My old school was sponsored by IKEA.
Assembly took ages.
😄 😄 😄
What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?
Automobile.
😄 😄 😄
My Mom said she’d been looking forward to Mother’s Day for ages.
I said, “Why? Your Mum’s dead.”
😄 😄 😄
Where does a ghost go on vacation?
Mali-boo.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the carpenter take time off on Labor Day?
He needed to hammer out his vacation plans.
😄 😄 😄
Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”
Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”
Bartender: “Three dollars.”
Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”
😄 😄 😄
Marri-Age and Old-Age
Relative: “You are getting old. You should get married now.”
Me: “Will that stop aging?”
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, “Who’s the strongest in here?!”
The toughest guy looks at him and says, “I am the strongest around here!”
The other guy politely asks, “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the knee specialist turn into a priest?
He wanted to have a mea-knee-ingful life.
😄 😄 😄
“The neighbors hate us.”
“Why?”
“Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?”
“Yeah, that was really fun.”
“And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband’s arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?”
“Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we’d done...”
“We were still holding our marshmallow sticks...”
😄 😄 😄
Here’s to being 30! Where a night of drinking requires more recovery time than minor surgery.
😄 😄 😄
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
Hope it’s Halloween...
😄 😄 😄
I told my boss I was feeling blue, so he painted my office the color of the ocean. Now I’m working in a sea of tranquility.
😄 😄 😄
I was going to buy an exotic spider from the pet shop.
Then I realised I could just get one on the web.
😄 😄 😄
A few weeks ago, I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.
They arrived today, safe and sound.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an Italian mosquito?
Malario.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the moon burp?
Because it was full!
😄 😄 😄
My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.
😄 😄 😄
It was a baby mosquito’s first day to fly out from home.
When the mosquito came back home later that day, his father asked, “How was your journey?”
The baby mosquito replied, “It went great, everyone was clapping for me!”
😄 😄 😄
Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
“Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan.”
So, one of them asked the other: “When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?”
😄 😄 😄
