This morning, my son said his ear hurt and I asked, “On the inside or outside?”
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says, “Both.”
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What do you call a Chinese lobster?
A crust-asian.
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I have a massive crush on a world leader, my wife thinks I’m joking.
But it’s Trudeau.
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Guess what I have right now?
Your attention.
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The reason that no one has returned to the moon for so long is that every time someone tries to book a hotel there, it’s full...
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Do you know that Albert Einstein’s birthday was on Pi Day i.e., March 14, 1879?
Perhaps he served pie for his birthday instead of cake.
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What do aliens like to eat?
Unidentified frying objects!
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Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”
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My crush told me I smelled nice.
Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her boyfriend some.
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You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
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Student: “Teacher, is it true that if you get married on Friday the 13th, you will be unhappy?“
Teacher: “Of course. Why should that day be an exception?”
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Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?
A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large tray of apples. The nun posted a sign on the apples tray: Take only one. God is watching.
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
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Why are synagogues round?
So the Jews can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.
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Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.
Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
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Yo mama so stupid she tried to smell her own nose.
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The first commandment was... when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
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What do plumbers, garbage men, and economists all have in common?
They all deal with gross domestic product.
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Two guys are walking through a national park and they come across a bear that has not eaten for days.
The bear sees the two men and starts chasing them. They run as fast as they can.
One guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, “Please turn this bear into a Christian, Lord.”
He looks to see if the bear is still chasing, and he sees the bear on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the bear.
As he comes closer to the bear, he hears it saying a prayer, “Thank you, Lord, for the food I am about to receive.”
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