Best Jokes - Page 5

Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”


β€œCumin, who?”

β€œDon’t break my heart, I’m only cumin.”

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Why did the skeleton run away?

Because a dog was after his bones.

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Yo mama so stupid, she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.

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Your mama so old, when she was young, rainbows were black and white!

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How do you wish an ice cream a happy birthday?

β€œHope your birthday is gelato fun!”

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What’s closer, France or the Moon?

The Moon, obviously! You can’t see France from here!

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What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?

A Tinder surprise.

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Average speed of a wife in a shopping mall.

$200 per hour.

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Guess what I have right now?

Your attention.

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Does anybody go to the donut party?

I heard it was jam packed.

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Why do wolves howl at the moon?

Cause they don’t know how to use cell phones.

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Your mama’s so short, that she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.

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Why did the astronaut grow a beard in space?

He wanted spacial hair.

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All the physicists meet up in heaven and decide to play a game of hide and seek.

They decide that Fermi will be the seeker, so he closes his eyes and begins counting to 100.

All the physicists scatter, except for Newton, who calmly reaches into his pocket, takes out some chalk, and draws a square one meter on a side.

Fermi finishes counting and turns around, seeing Newton standing in his chalk square he yells, β€œI found Newton. Newton is out!”

Newton protests, β€œNo, I’m Newton in a meter square β€” I’m Pascal. Pascal is out!”

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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

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Feel my shirt.

It’s boyfriend material.

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I have never seen a UFO before.

Because I’m always able to correctly identify the flying object.

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Why did the cat like eating lemons?

Because he was a sourpuss.

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Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won’t be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

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