Friend A: “What did Helen Keller’s kitchen look like?”
Friend B: “I don’t know.”
Friend A: “She did not know either.”
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An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
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I just saw this guy going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit’s feet.
I thought he’s pushing his luck!
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Three men are working on a building site.
Everyday, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.
The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.
“By god,” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and everyday, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself.”
The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.
“Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Everyday, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself.”
The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.
“I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself.”
The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.
The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.
At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.
“If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches,” says the first man’s wife, “I always thought he was being ironic!”
“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches,” says the second man’s wife, “I always thought he was being sarcastic!”
“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches,” says the third man’s wife, “but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!”
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Who is Peppa Pig’s favorite painter?
Pigcasso.
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So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him, “What do you want your last meal to be?”
“Strawberries,” he responds.
“But it’s winter. We can’t get strawberries until spring.”
“Eh... I’ll wait.”
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On the occasion of Teachers’ Day, the teacher was having a casual chat with his students.
Teacher: “Neil, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Neil: “Sir, I want to be just like you.”
Teacher, impressed: “And why is that?”
Neil: “Because even I love doing nothing.”
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What’s a guitarist’s favor type of cheese?
Shredded cheese.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Figs.”
“Figs, who?”
“Figs the doorbell, it’s not working lazy bones!
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A group of ducks flew overhead in a V formation.
Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other?
It has more ducks.
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It sits in a corner and still travels around the world, guess who?
A stamp.
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Why do some people not like a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys?
Because of fowl language.
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Why are solar panels so trustworthy?
They don’t work in the shadows.
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I am sweating like a chef in a hot sauce factory.
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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
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Why was the Arsenal fan banned from the library?
Because he couldn’t stop shouting “Sshh!”.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a line of people gathered to roast Justin Bieber?
Bieberqueue.
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Unpaid interns are like slaves.
No pay, they just get experience in the field.
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A lot of airport workers treat workplace sanitation very seriously.
Otherwise, people could catch terminal illnesses.
😄 😄 😄
Doctor: “How’s the flu medicine going for you? I know it’s a little bitter.”
Patient: “No, the medicine’s fine, can’t even taste anything when I take it.”
😄 😄 😄
