Best Jokes (5)



I wish love is like a baby shampoo it has β€œNo more tears formula”.

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At the request of my wife, I have placed an order for a box of ants to be shipped from Italy.

She said we need more Rome ants in our relationship.

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My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair.

Nice way to go.

The dentist got a shock, though.

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Before you say β€œTesla” backwards, make sure everyone’s ready.

All set?

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I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.

Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.

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Why was the killer relentlessly killing fat people on Friday the 13th?

He wanted to be a mass murderer.

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Why did the bat walk in her pajamas to take a bath?

Because she did not have a bat robe.

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What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?

U.V. Ray.

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

β€œWatson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, β€œI see millions of stars.”

β€œWhat does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

β€œAstronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:

β€œWatson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”

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Did you hear about the mermaid who decided to join human society?

Despite her efforts, others still viewed her as a fish out of water.

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A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell.

At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left, and he isn’t looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning.

He comes up with a labor-saving solution: Next to the bin where his melons are carefully arranged, he places a large sign saying β€œONE OF THESE IS POISONED”.

Reassured, he goes home to sleep.

In the morning, he comes back to find that someone has written on his sign β€œNow there are two”.

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What do you put in a female balloon?

Shelium.

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I tried to dye my dog’s hair blue.

But I guess he was blue-ish.

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Yo momma is so fat The Whole Death Star can use her as a protection shield.

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What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career?

His driving game.

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Manchester United have apparently set up a call centre for fans who are troubled by their current form.

The number is 0800 10 10 10.

Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.

Once again the number is:

0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.

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Two goats are eating garbage.

The first one finds a roll of film and eats it.

When he’s done, the second one asks, β€œHow did you like the movie?”

The first one responds, β€œIt was OK, but I liked the book better.”

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You know you’re 60 when your back is hairier than your head.

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How do astronauts eat their ice creams?

In floats.

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Why was the cyclists right arm shorter than his left?

Because once he left his right turn signal on.

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