Where do vegetarian vampires live?
Plantsylvania.
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Teacher: “Why didn’t you come to school on the first day?”
Dave: “My father is still in the hospital.”
One week later.
Teacher: “Is your father still in the hospital, Dave?”
Dave: “He is, indeed, a doctor.”
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Did you hear about the worst faith healer ever?
He was so bad, a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
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Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?
Because they’re easy to push around and never stand up for themselves.
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My grandpa told me, “You Millennials are too dependent on technology.”
So I plugged out his life support.
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Generating all of our power from solar energy...
... it’s not going to happen overnight!
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Why didn’t the man want a spring mattress?
Because it was still winter.
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What do you call a guy that works out a lot?
Jim.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How did Thanksgiving go at your place?” the bartender asks.
“Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking,” the guy says. “So I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors.”
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A guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks, “Hey, do you know Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, Kung Fu or anything like that?”
Offended, the Asian man replies, “What you think that just because I’m Asian, I know martial arts?”
The man replies, “Nah, it’s because you’re drinking my damn bourbon!”
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They brought the hot dog in for questioning.
He gave the... wurst... answers.
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You’re so fat when you walk, everyone yells “EARTHQUAKE!!”.
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If you stare at the American flag long enough you’ll see a 3D image of Chuck Norris.
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How do you know all suicide bombers self identify as being old?
They are all boomers in the end.
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What do you call a mermaid on a roof?
Aerial.
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Yo mama so ugly the government decided to move Halloween to her birthday.
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Guess what Santa calls his elves?
Subordinate Clauses!
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I’m thinking of taking up acting.
Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?
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A newcomer observes the inmates telling political jokes.
All the jokes are by now so deeply familiar that they simply refer to them by number.
“Forty-three,” says one. General hilarity.
“Two hundred and three”, says a second. Appreciative chuckles.
“Three hundred and twenty-nine,” says a third.
The newcomer decides to try his hand.
“Ninety-one”, he ventures. Total silence.
He tries again, “Three hundred and one.” Not a titter.
“Forty-two.” A deadly hush.
Puzzled, he asks his neighbor what he did wrong.
“Nothing,” he says. “It’s just the way you tell them.”
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Why don’t dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
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