What do you call an extraterrestrial that speaks Portuguese?
A Brazalien.
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Why do hardcore raiders smell?
Because they never wipe.
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Why are flamingo’s legs so long?
Because if they weren’t then they couldn’t reach the ground.
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An insurance agent visited his local museum and accidentally knocked over a statue.
The museum curator said to him, “That’s a six hundred year old statue that you’ve broken!”
The insurance agent replied, “Thank God for that! I thought it was a new one.”
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Why are musical comedians never allowed to cook dinner during Thanksgiving?
Because they always burnham.
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A king had ten wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.
A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.
The minister said, “I served you loyally ten years, and you do this?”
The king was unrelenting.
Minister pleaded, “Please give me ten days before you throw me to the dogs.”
The king agreed.
In those ten days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next ten days. The guard was baffled, but he agreed.
So when the ten days were up, the king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.
When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister and licking his feet.
The king was baffled at what he saw.
“What happened to the dogs?!” He growled.
The minister then said, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service. Yet I served you for ten years, and you forgot all at the first mistake.”
The king realised his mistake and...
Replaced the dogs with crocodiles.
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How is a dyslexic cow like a Buddhist monk?
Both say “ommmmmmmmm.”
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My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
I said, “Please don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.”
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What do you call the people born in April who aren’t particularly intelligent?
April fools.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”
Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”
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The peach couple is in love.
They seem to be born for peach other.
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Yo Mama's appetite is so huge she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.
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Three soccer players—one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenal—are lost in the desert.
They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.
So the guy from Manchester says, “Well, since I’m from ManCHESTer, I’ll get the chest.
The player from Liverpool goes, “Well, in that case I'll eat the liver.
Then guy from ARSEnal says, “I’m not hungry...”
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What did Tiger Woods get for Christmas?
Half of everything.
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A lumber camp is looking for a lumberjack.
The next day, a skinny person arrives at the camp with an axe. The head lumberjack looks at the little small guy and instructs him to go away.
“Give me a chance to show you what I’m capable of,” the skinny guy pleads.
“See that massive redwood over there?” asks the head lumberjack. “Cut it down with your axe.”
The man runs towards the tree, and in five minutes he’s at the lumberjack’s door.
“I cut the tree down,” the man says.
“Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?” asks the lumberjack, who can’t believe his eyes.
“In the Sahara Forest,” the small man adds.
“You are referring to the Sahara Desert,” says the lumberjack after interrupting him.
“Sure! That’s what they’re calling it these days!”
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What is in 2020s calendar?
January, February, Lockdown, December.
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I don’t believe in hitting my children as punishment.
So I teach them Fortnite dances and send them to school so that other kids can beat them instead.
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I was dreaming of an orange ocean tonight. Guess what?
It was a Fanta sea.
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I told my wife I’d never leave her unless aliens came to take me.
It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.
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What is a soldier’s most active day of the year?
March forth!
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