I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did!
Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.
😄 😄 😄
What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem?
“Let’s try a different angle.”
😄 😄 😄
How can you tell a police horse from a normal horse?
The police horse goes “Neigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-naw”.
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How did the strawberry donut feel after dinner?
Jam-packed!
😄 😄 😄
I’m a paranoid narcissist.
I’m afraid no one’s out to get me!
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a bar...
His alcoholism is destroying his family.
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Santa saw your Facebook pictures...
You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so short she has to cuff her underwear.
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Your mama so hot when Electra and Haspiel saw her, they burned to death.
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A man was getting a haircut before a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of tourists. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking American Airlines,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“American Airlines?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump? That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced.
So whatcha’ doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.
The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful!” explained the man, “Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines’ brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel—it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job, and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the barber. “What’d he say?”
“He said ‘Where’d you get the crappy haircut?’”
😄 😄 😄
Noticed the ladies’ restroom door was missing the ‘W’.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen.
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Boy, it looks like you’ve been caught in my web... of love.
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Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David.
Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.
Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said. “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!”
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross, and said. “Moishe, would you look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?”
😄 😄 😄
A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, “These sleepovers are killing me.”
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short people thought she was a Funko Pop.
😄 😄 😄
Why are cats better than babies?
Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Leia.”
“Leia, who?”
“Lei-a hand on me and you’re toast!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the meteor break up with Uranus?
It felt like it was crashing and burning.
😄 😄 😄
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.
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