100-meter race.
Referee: “1,2,3, GO!”
Everybody started running except Santa.
Referee: “Why are you not running?”
Santa: “My number is 4.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
😄 😄 😄
I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes.
Because I am lack-toes-intolerant.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Uranus start a comedy club?
Because it wanted to be the butt of all jokes.
😄 😄 😄
Which holiday is every policeman’s favorite?
National Donut Day.
😄 😄 😄
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a boring nerd...
I’d have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
😄 😄 😄
Does anyone know where I can find the Surrender emoji?
Nevermind the French flag works fine.
😄 😄 😄
A famous Australian fashion designer created a special collection of denim trousers for the indigenous population.
He calls them “aborijeans”.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat she uses the highway as a slip and slide.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a lazy man in space?
A procrastronaut.
😄 😄 😄
How many pharmacists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, every six hours for the next ten days.
😄 😄 😄
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
😄 😄 😄
Who were the first people in Australia to have a six-pack?
The Ab-originals.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut grow a beard in space?
He wanted spacial hair.
😄 😄 😄
The new Joker went to see a doctor for his mental health, but didn’t make an appointment.
It was a Joaquin.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an animal found under the avocado tree?
A guaca-mole.
😄 😄 😄
Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”
“Yes, my master, I have.”
“And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”
“Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”
And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”
“Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”
“That is the problem. You keep watching all this poop instead of training!”
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”
“Twelve dollars,” says the barber.
“And for a shave?”
“Ten dollars.”
“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”
😄 😄 😄
I told my wife, “You are so skinny!”
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, “Just look at all this skin.”
😄 😄 😄
A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said, “Why, my son, it is a “chechia”. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father, “It is very simple. This is a “djbellah”. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My “djbellah” protects the entire body.”
The son then asked, “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
“These are “babouches” my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These “babouches” keep us from burning our feet.”
“So tell me then,” added the boy.
“Yes, my son...”
“Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?
😄 😄 😄
