Enjoy our team's carefully selected Birthday Jokes . Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
If you add the two numbers in your chronological age, you get your true age.
So youβre 5 now, and you canβt really argue the similarities. Five-year-olds have a tough time tying their shoes, can barely spell their own name, and need help reading!
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βItβs your birthday? How old are you?β asks the manβs friend.
βIβm seven and one-seventh,β replies the man.
βHowβs that, you look about 50 to me?β asks the friend.
βEvery time I chat up a nice lady she calls me an old dog, so I figure I get to count age in dog years now!β
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Why can you trust your friends more after turning 50?
Because you canβt even remember each otherβs names, let alone your deepest secrets!
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You know youβre 50 when that come hither look you used to have in your eyes just doesnβt look as enticing through your bifocals.
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You know youβre 50 when youβre thankful when someone tells you that you have lipstick on your teeth because it means you still have teeth.
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You know youβre 50 when your face has more wrinkles than an elephantβs backside.
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You know youβre 50 when you and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.
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You know youβre 50 when you have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you canβt see over your belly.
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You know youβre 50 when you now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.
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Why did the Minion give Gru two banana skins for his birthday?
Because he asked for a pair of slippers.
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Her: βWhenβs your birthday?β
Me: βJanuary first.β
Her: βWhat year?β
Me: βEvery year.β
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Iβd hate to be a dragon.
Iβd get so angry trying to blow out my birthday candles.
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On the day my friends were hosting my birthday celebration, I had diarrhea.
I was a party pooper.
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Every year on my birthday, I remember...
That Iβm one year closer to being back in diapers.
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How do you know youβre old?
Itβs your birthday, and there are more candles than cake.
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Getting old certainly has its benefits.
Every birthday party is a surprise birthday party when you reach 80 years of age.
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Youβre gourdgeous!
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Hot dog, itβs your birthday!
Letβs be Frank, youβre probably planning to party your buns off, so go ahead β donβt be a weenie!
Relish every moment of your celebration!
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What to give a man whoβs got everything?
A woman. Sheβll tell him how everything works.
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Why did the teen get a grooming kit for his birthday?
It was his shaventeenth birthday.
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On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.
So when he got home from school, I said to him, βSteve, do you mind sitting down, Iβve got something to tell you.β
βDad, guess what?!β he shouted excitedly.
βSteve, this is important.β I urged.
βNo way, Dad. Listen!β
βSteve. Please. Donβt make this hard for me. Itβs about your mum and me.β
βDad! Shut up! Iβve just won Β£250,000 on a scratch card!β
βThatβs amazing son! Your old Dadβs really made up for you!β
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Itβs your birthday; letβs donuts!
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Yo mama so old her birth certificate says βExpiredβ.
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Yo mama so ugly the government decided to move Halloween to her birthday.
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Yo mama so fat every time she turns around itβs her birthday.
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What is a monsterβs favorite part of a birthday celebration?
I scream.
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What did the ice cream say to the grumpy birthday cake?
Whatβs eating you?
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Hey shorty, itβs sherbet day!
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How do you wish an ice cream a happy birthday?
βHope your birthday is gelato fun!β
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How do you wish a mushroom a happy birthday?
Happy birthday to a real fungi!
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Why does the mushroom always get invited to birthday parties?
Heβs a fun-gi.
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Not to be Mushy but since it is your birthday I just want to say: I think you are the most Fungiing awesome mom, you are cute as a Button, you put in the fun in Fungus, you have always been there for Morel support, and you are like a Truffleβhard to find and incredibly valuable.
You are the Champion of Moms! I mean I turned out alright, not to toot my own Trumpet.
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Man tries to open a bank account.
Teller asks him, βYour name?β
βJ-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.β
βOh, you stutter?β
βNo, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!β
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Whatβs the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday!
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The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
βExcuse me for disturbing you, maβam,β he said politely, βbut I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and Iβve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.β
βThatβs right.β
βEvery day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.β
βWell, today is his birthday.β
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A man asked his wife, βWhat would you most like for your birthday?β
She said, βIβd love to be ten again.β
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.
At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, βWell, dear, what was it like being ten again?β One eye opened and she groaned, βActually, honey, I meant dress size!β
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The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!
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When I was born I was so surprised I didnβt talk for a year and a half.
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Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?
Because there is a hole in one.
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I used to be a boy trapped in a womanβs body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
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Forget about the past, you canβt change it.
Forget about the future, you canβt predict it.
Forget about the present, I didnβt get you one.
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Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?
They always forget to take off the candles.
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