Dad Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Dad Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Dad Jokes


Why won’t my motorbike run?

Because it’s two tired.

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Why did the nun become an archaeologist?

She had a knack for digging up old habits.

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Why do nuns always wear black and white?

No particular reason, it’s just a habit they have.

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Why does it take so long for a nun to get her clothes?

It takes 21 days to make a habit.

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What do you call a nun with a drinking problem?

A bad habit.

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What do you call oyster nuns?

Cloisters.

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I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.

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I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.

She had a nasty habit.

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Why was the burger sad?

Because he had the blue cheese.

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When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.

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Why was red in awe of orange?

Because orange blue green.

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Did you hear about the color bomb?

Yeah, it blue up.

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My sister was diagnosed as color-blind.

The revelation really came out of the blue.

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I read a joke about colors once.

It blue my mind.

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Blue jeans are immortal.

They never die, they just fade away.

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I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light.

Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.

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I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy.

Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.

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I was under the blues.

So I had to blue my nose occasionally.

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The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.

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What do you call cheese that is sad?

Blue cheese.

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Once I tried to paint the sky, but I blue it.

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It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo.

They get really blue.

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What’s the coldest fish in the sea?

A blue whale.

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Why is the ocean always blue?

Because the shore never waves back.

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Red ship hits blue ship...

Sailors marooned.

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What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?

β€œCheer up!”

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What is red, white, and blue?

A sad candy cane.

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What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?

A scrub jay.

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I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.

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We’re feeling so blue.

We used to be the Blue Man Group.

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I went to a party in blue shoes.

But everyone said it was a blue-sy idea.

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The blue cheese thought he was the king.

But he was just a cheesy guy.

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The ocean was feeling blue.

So I told her to sea the brighter side.

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She’s feeling so blue.

She might as well be called the ocean.

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Why do blue flowers grow so well?

They have a natural love for Azure.

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Did you hear about the blue plane that crashed?

They said it was a skyblunder.

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What do you get when you cross a blue jay with a parrot?

A bird with no identity.

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Did you hear about the sky that fell?

It turned the whole world blue.

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Why do blue people make bad singers?

They’re always feeling blue.

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Why did the blue paint cross the road?

To get to the other hue.

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Did you hear about the blue pencil who broke up with his girlfriend?

He decided to draw the line.

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I’m feeling blue today, so I decided to paint my room blue.

I guess you could say it’s a shade of blue situation.

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The baby blue eyes were coldly warm.

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The sky was a cheerful shade of melancholy blue.

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His true blue loyalty was betrayed by his green envy.

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His blue humor was laughably depressing.

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I heard about a blue whale who was feeling down.

It was a huge ordeal.

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I asked my friend what he was doing to stay happy in his job.

And he said he was always searching for blue skies.

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I was feeling blue once, so I went outside to walk it off.

Instead, I got struck by blue lightning.

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My boss told me that work might be a little blue today.

But I didn’t know that meant the copiers were taking the day off.

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I heard about a blue tick hound who was feeling down.

His bark was way worse than his bite.

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People always ask why I’m feeling blue.

I just tell them I’m still waiting for my prince charming to come riding in on a blue motorbike.

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My coworker said that being blue is in his blood.

I asked him if he had been bitten by a smurf.

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My friend said he was going to start a feeling-blue club, but I declined.

I’m more of an upbeat kind of person.

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I told my boss I was feeling blue, so he painted my office the color of the ocean. Now I’m working in a sea of tranquility.

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The party was a blue-ribbon event.

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Why do blueberries make bad employees?

They always end up getting the blues.

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Why did the blue-faced man get lost?

He was feeling blue and couldn’t find his way.

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What did the sky say to the ocean?

Nothing, they just had a blue period together.

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What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?

β€œHey, pal, want to blue me away?”

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Why did the Smurfs kick Papa Smurf out of their village?

He was giving them all the blues.

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I hate it when my blue jeans fade.

They’re not feeling so blue anymore.

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Did you hear about the sad blueberry?

It was feeling blue.

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Did you hear about the blue alien that landed on Earth?

He had an out of this world.

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What did the blue paint say to the red paint when they met?

β€œYou’re looking rosy!”

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What’s a blue shoe?

A shoe with the blues.

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What did one blue eye say to the other?

Between us, something smells.

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What do you call a sneaky blue bean?

A navy bean.

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What did the blue paint brush say to the red paint brush?

β€œI blue you away.”

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Why did the blue-colored fruit hide?

It was feeling blue.

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What’s a sad shade of blue?

Bereaved.

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What do you call a sad little blue planet?

A gloom.

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Why did the blue bird get kicked out of the forest?

Because it was a bird of pray.

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Did you hear about the blue man who walked into a bar?

He was feeling quite cyan.

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Why was the blue mold fired from the cheese factory?

Because it was too blue.

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What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

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Why did the police officers arrest the blue crayon?

Because it was in the blue.

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What did the blue tie say to the little red dress?

β€œYou go ahead, I’ll just hang around.”

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What do you call a group of blue whales?

A pod of blues.

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Why don’t sharks like to eat blue whales?

Because they’re all blubber and no beef.

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She nailed the surgery.

But she’s still having a few screws loose.

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Why was the hip bone so calm during surgery?

Because it knew everything would be alright.

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When the rapper needed surgery, he got a hip-hop replacement.

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What’s a hipster’s favorite type of surgery?

A hip replacement.

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What’s a hip replacement’s favorite type ofΒ music?

Hip-hop.

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How does a hip replacement like to relax?

By taking a jointΒ vacation.

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Why did the hip surgery patient bring a suit to the hospital?

Because he wanted to be hip and dapper during recovery.

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What did one hip replacement say to the other?

β€œYou crack me up!”

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Why was the hip replacement patient alwaysΒ winningΒ atΒ poker?

Because they always had aΒ coupleΒ of joints up their sleeve.

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A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me.

Critics are saying it’s the new hip place to be.

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My grandma got a hip replacement.

My new grandma is a 24-year-old barista and an aspiring artist.

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How does Uranus stay clean?

It takes meteor showers.

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Why was Uranus sad at the solar system party?

It felt left out of the loop.

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What’s Uranus’s favorite game?

Twister, it’s always spinning!

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Ever heard of the planet party?

Uranus was the star, always the center of attraction.

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I met a comedian who specializes in Uranus jokes.

Suffice to say, their humor was out of this world.

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I asked Uranus if it knows any good planet jokes.

It replied, β€œSorry, they’re just not my atmosphere.”

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Why did the planet Uranus join a band?

It wanted to planet self in rhythm.

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Uranus’ puns are my favorite kind of humor.

They’re truly universal.

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I’m never afraid to make a Uranus pun.

They’re always out of this world.

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I’m not afraid to crack a joke about Uranus.

It’s a gas!

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What did Uranus say to its moon?

β€œYou have the right to remain in orbit, anything you say will be taken out of context!”

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What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?

Space Opera.

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What did the other planets say to Uranus when it was feeling sad?

β€œCheer up, life’s just a gas!”

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Why did Uranus become a rock star?

Because it’s always surrounded by gas.

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Why is Uranus so good at baseball?

Because it has a great orbit!

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What did Uranus say to Earth?

β€œYou’re always following me around. Give me some space!”

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Why did Uranus go on a diet?

Because it wanted to be a little lighter and have that celestial glow!

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Uranus has a real flair for fashion.

It always rocks the planet look!

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I named my pet goldfish Uranus.

It really keeps my aquarium afloat.

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You’ll never hear Uranus complain.

Because it’s got a good atmosphere about it.

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My teacher told me I couldn’t make a joke about Uranus in class.

But hey, it’s my orbit!

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When Uranus threw a party, everyone was over the moon!

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I tried to tell a joke about Uranus.

But I couldn’t planet right.

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Did you hear about the comedy show on Uranus?

It was a real gas, but not everyone understood the humor.

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If Uranus was a comedian, it would always crack jokes with a little bit of gas.

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Did you hear about the astronomy professor who was always talking about Uranus?

He was kind of a space case.

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Why did the astronaut bring a joke book to Uranus?

To break the space ice.

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What did the comet say when it visited Uranus?

β€œThis place is a gas!”

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Why did the meteor break up with Uranus?

It felt like it was crashing and burning.

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Why did the astronaut challenge Uranus to a staring contest?

It wanted to see who had the most gravity.

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Why did the alien bring a gift to Uranus?

It wanted to show its appreciation for the atmosphere.

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Why did the asteroid start a podcast with Uranus?

They wanted to rock the airwaves.

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How does Uranus apologize for being late?

It blames it on its orbit.

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Why did the moon break up with Uranus?

It wanted someone with a brighter personality.

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Why did the astronaut bring a ladder to Uranus?

To reach for the stars.

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What did the comet say to Uranus?

β€œYou’re out of this world!”

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Why did the astronaut go to therapy with Uranus?

It had too many emotional craters.

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Why is Uranus always invited to parties?

It knows how to break the ice.

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What’s Uranus’ favorite accessory?

A gas mask.

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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of humor?

Dark matter jokes.

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How does Uranus apologize?

It says β€œI’m sorry, I need some space”.

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What’s Uranus’ favorite party trick?

Its gas giant dance moves.

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What happens when a waffle gets mad?

It flips.

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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.

She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.

But my kids keep egging me on.

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What is the definition of breakfast?

What a driver does when a light suddenly changes.

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Dad:Β β€œWhy did the bacon laugh?”

Son:Β β€œI’m stumped.”

Dad:Β β€œBecause the egg cracked a yolk!”

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Dad:Β β€œWhat do authors eat for breakfast?”

Son:Β β€œTell me.”

Dad:Β β€œSynonym buns.”

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Dad:Β β€œWhat do snowmenΒ eat for breakfast?”

Son:Β β€œWhat?”

Dad:Β β€œFrosted Flakes!”

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Dad:Β β€œWhat two things can you neverΒ eat for breakfast?”

Son:Β β€œI haven’t the foggiest.”

Dad:Β β€œLunch and dinner!”

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Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?

Because all they draw is blood.

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Artists know how to draw the line, so you can’t really peer pressure them.

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What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects?

A con artist.

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The artist was great.

He could always draw a crowd.

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A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

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My family is all worried about my addiction to dot puzzles.

It’s OK though... I know where to draw the line.

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Why did the bat walk in her pajamas to take a bath?

Because she did not have a bat robe.

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How do elephants bathe?

With their trunks on.

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I’ve seen a meteor shower...

But never seen a meteor take a bath.

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Why should you take a pencil to bed?

To draw the curtains.

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What happened when the pig pen broke?

They had to use the pig pencil.

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Why do pencils shave?

To look sharp.

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This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.

I wish I could have read the signs.

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What is the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.

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What’s the definition of Specimen?

An Italian astronaut.

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What is the definition ofΒ laziness?

The art of taking rest before getting tired. Because prevention is better than cure.

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What’s the definition of a surprise?

A fart with a lump in it.

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I’d like to thank everyone who taught me the definition of β€˜many’.

It really means a lot.

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Had an encounter with a dyslexic witch.

I am safe because she couldn’t spell.

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Why did the registeredΒ nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?

Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

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β€œHave you seen our toilet roll?” asked my wife.

β€œDon’t be silly,” I replied. β€œA toilet is a stationary object.”

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Did you hear about the flat Earther who got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove all wrong?

He’ll come around eventually.

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What did a brick say to a wall?

β€œI’ve got your back!”

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Concrete and steel had a debate.

It was a hard conversation.

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A cop pulled me over and asked me, β€œWhere were you between 5 and 6?”

I replied, β€œKindergarten.”

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Why can’t you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?

You can’t take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!

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Why can you trust your friends more after turning 50?

Because you can’t even remember each other’s names, let alone your deepest secrets!

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How do you know the Fourth of July is an American holiday?

Because everybody says β€œStay Safe”.

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What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?

The wrong firework.

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What does Dr. Frankenstein call the cemetery?

Human Resources.

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Why do Polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can’t spell toboggan.

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Wife said, β€œLooks like it’s going to be chilly again tonight.”

I said, β€œNo, that’s nachos.”

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I hate those people who knock on your door and say β€œYou need to get β€˜saved’ or you’ll β€˜burn’”.

Stupid firemen.

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What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel!

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How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.

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How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?

If it’s a good one you will be able to talk about it later!

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Why hasn’t anyone ever seen ghost poop?

Because it’s invisible.

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What is a vampire’s worst fear?

Tooth decay.

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Why is the woman afraid of the vampire?

Because he is all bite and no bark.

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What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?

They gave him the cold shoulder.

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Why do ghosts make the best cheerleaders?

Because they have spirit.

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Why did the werewolf go to the dressing room when he saw the full moon?

He needed to change.

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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?

Because they just had their brains scooped out!

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Why didn’t the zombie go to school?

He felt rotten!

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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

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The skeleton didn’t mind that everyone called him a bonehead.

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What did one ghost say to the other?

Get a life!

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What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day?

Lazy bones.

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Why don’t people like Dracula?

He’s a pain in the neck.

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Why did the skeleton run away?

Because a dog was after his bones.

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What do dentists hand out at Halloween?

Candy. It’s good for business.

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What did one ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in people?

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Why don’t werewolves ever know the time?

Because they’re not whenwolves.

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What happens when you drop a snowball in water?

It gets wet.

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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?

Gutted.

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What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?

β€œAre you feeling ill?”

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What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?

A blood moon!

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Which is faster, heat or cold?

Heat, because you can catch a cold.

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Why do bananas use sunscreen?

So they don’t peel.

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What do you call a snowman in summer?

A puddle.

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What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?

By live stream.

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Why did the robot go on vacation?

He needed to recharge his batteries.

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What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?

A watermelon.

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What do snowmen do in summer?

Chillout.

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What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?

Reapply.

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Is it proper to eat donuts with your fingers?

No, fingers should be eaten separately!

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What does nitrogen become when the sun comes up?

Daytrogen.

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Son: β€œDad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

Dad: β€œNo sun.”

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Friend 1: β€œMy dog rolled around in the mud all day. How does he smell?”

Friend 2: β€œLike dirt?”

Friend 1: β€œNope, with his nose.”

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If my nose runs, should I catch it?

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What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?

Your nose.

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The thing people overlook most of the time is their noses.

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I was sick and told my mom I had a runny nose.

She told me, β€œYou should tell it to walk instead.”

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The nose was very tired because it kept running.

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My mom got the flu.

She said that it was like her nose went on strike.

I suggested, β€œYou should picket.”

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Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.

He just replied, β€œThat’s because I use both my nostrils.”

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What do you give a dog with a fever?

Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.

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Patient: β€œDoctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”

Doctor: β€œWell, stop going to those places then.”

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Little Johnny yells upstairs: β€œDad, there’s a salesman here with a mustache.”

β€œTell him I’ve got one.”

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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.

I told her no. I ate it on the couch.

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β€œWaiter, will my pizza be long?”

β€œNo sir, it will be round!”

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What do you call a gigantic polar bear?

Nothing, you just run away!

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Teacher: β€œTake a seat”.

Student: β€œWhere do you want me to take it to?”

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What would happen if you took the school bus home?

The police would make you bring it back!

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Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?

A β€œB”.

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A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted.

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What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff.

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Why do we paint Easter eggs?

Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!

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My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldn’t fix.

I suggested, β€œBreak its legs.”

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The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.

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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.

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What do you do when you break your leg in two places?

Quit going to those two places!

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Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning in the ocean?

He was just too far out, man.

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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s very time-consuming.

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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately.

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Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?

Because it has got less calories.

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How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?

They’re all girls! If they were boys, they’d be uncles.

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Customer: β€œWaiter, this food tastes kind of funny.”

Waiter: β€œThen why aren’t you laughing?”

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What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?

Turn into bacon.

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Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?

He didn’t have the stomach for it!

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What do you call a witch’s garage?

A broom closet.

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you’re a mouse.

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What goes β€œOh, Oh, Oh”?

Santa walking backwards!

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Can a dog jump higher than a house?

Well, duh. Houses can’t jump.

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