Dad Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Dad Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?

If it’s a good one you will be able to talk about it later!

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Why hasn’t anyone ever seen ghost poop?

Because it’s invisible.

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What is a vampire’s worst fear?

Tooth decay.

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Why is the woman afraid of the vampire?

Because he is all bite and no bark.

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What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?

They gave him the cold shoulder.

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Why do ghosts make the best cheerleaders?

Because they have spirit.

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Why did the werewolf go to the dressing room when he saw the full moon?

He needed to change.

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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?

Because they just had their brains scooped out!

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Why didn’t the zombie go to school?

He felt rotten!

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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

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The skeleton didn’t mind that everyone called him a bonehead.

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What did one ghost say to the other?

Get a life!

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What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day?

Lazy bones.

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Why don’t people like Dracula?

He’s a pain in the neck.

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Why did the skeleton run away?

Because a dog was after his bones.

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What do dentists hand out at Halloween?

Candy. It’s good for business.

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What did one ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in people?

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Why don’t werewolves ever know the time?

Because they’re not whenwolves.

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What happens when you drop a snowball in water?

It gets wet.

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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?

Gutted.

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What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?

“Are you feeling ill?”

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What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?

A blood moon!

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Which is faster, heat or cold?

Heat, because you can catch a cold.

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Why do bananas use sunscreen?

So they don’t peel.

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What do you call a snowman in summer?

A puddle.

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What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?

By live stream.

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Why did the robot go on vacation?

He needed to recharge his batteries.

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What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?

A watermelon.

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What do snowmen do in summer?

Chillout.

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What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?

Reapply.

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Is it proper to eat donuts with your fingers?

No, fingers should be eaten separately!

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What does nitrogen become when the sun comes up?

Daytrogen.

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Son: “Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”

Dad: “No sun.”

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Friend 1: “My dog rolled around in the mud all day. How does he smell?”

Friend 2: “Like dirt?”

Friend 1: “Nope, with his nose.”

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If my nose runs, should I catch it?

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What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?

Your nose.

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The thing people overlook most of the time is their noses.

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I was sick and told my mom I had a runny nose.

She told me, “You should tell it to walk instead.”

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The nose was very tired because it kept running.

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My mom got the flu.

She said that it was like her nose went on strike.

I suggested, “You should picket.”

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Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.

He just replied, “That’s because I use both my nostrils.”

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What do you give a dog with a fever?

Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”

Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”

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Little Johnny yells upstairs: “Dad, there’s a salesman here with a mustache.”

“Tell him I’ve got one.”

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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.

I told her no. I ate it on the couch.

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“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”

“No sir, it will be round!”

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What do you call a gigantic polar bear?

Nothing, you just run away!

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Teacher: “Take a seat”.

Student: “Where do you want me to take it to?”

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What would happen if you took the school bus home?

The police would make you bring it back!

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Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?

A “B”.

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A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted.

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What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff.

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Why do we paint Easter eggs?

Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!

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My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldn’t fix.

I suggested, “Break its legs.”

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The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.

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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.

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What do you do when you break your leg in two places?

Quit going to those two places!

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Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning in the ocean?

He was just too far out, man.

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Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.

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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately.

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Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?

Because it has got less calories.

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How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?

They’re all girls! If they were boys, they’d be uncles.

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“Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny?”

“Then why aren’t you laughing?!”

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What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?

Turn into bacon.

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Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?

He didn’t have the stomach for it!

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What do you call a witch’s garage?

A broom closet.

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you’re a mouse.

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What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?

Santa walking backwards!

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Can a dog jump higher than a house?

Well, duh. Houses can’t jump.

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