Dad Jokes
Enjoy our team's carefully selected Dad Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
I hate those people who knock on your door and say “You need to get ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn’”.
Stupid firemen.
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What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
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How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.
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How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
If it’s a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
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Why hasn’t anyone ever seen ghost poop?
Because it’s invisible.
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What is a vampire’s worst fear?
Tooth decay.
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Why is the woman afraid of the vampire?
Because he is all bite and no bark.
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What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
They gave him the cold shoulder.
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Why do ghosts make the best cheerleaders?
Because they have spirit.
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Why did the werewolf go to the dressing room when he saw the full moon?
He needed to change.
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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
Because they just had their brains scooped out!
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Why didn’t the zombie go to school?
He felt rotten!
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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The skeleton didn’t mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
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What did one ghost say to the other?
Get a life!
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What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day?
Lazy bones.
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Why don’t people like Dracula?
He’s a pain in the neck.
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Why did the skeleton run away?
Because a dog was after his bones.
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What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. It’s good for business.
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What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
Do you believe in people?
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Why don’t werewolves ever know the time?
Because they’re not whenwolves.
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What happens when you drop a snowball in water?
It gets wet.
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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?
Gutted.
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What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?
“Are you feeling ill?”
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What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?
A blood moon!
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Which is faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.
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Why do bananas use sunscreen?
So they don’t peel.
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What do you call a snowman in summer?
A puddle.
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What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?
By live stream.
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Why did the robot go on vacation?
He needed to recharge his batteries.
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What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?
A watermelon.
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What do snowmen do in summer?
Chillout.
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What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?
Reapply.
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Is it proper to eat donuts with your fingers?
No, fingers should be eaten separately!
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What does nitrogen become when the sun comes up?
Daytrogen.
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Son: “Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: “No sun.”
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Friend 1: “My dog rolled around in the mud all day. How does he smell?”
Friend 2: “Like dirt?”
Friend 1: “Nope, with his nose.”
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If my nose runs, should I catch it?
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What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose.
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The thing people overlook most of the time is their noses.
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I was sick and told my mom I had a runny nose.
She told me, “You should tell it to walk instead.”
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The nose was very tired because it kept running.
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My mom got the flu.
She said that it was like her nose went on strike.
I suggested, “You should picket.”
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Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.
He just replied, “That’s because I use both my nostrils.”
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What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”
Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”
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Little Johnny yells upstairs: “Dad, there’s a salesman here with a mustache.”
“Tell him I’ve got one.”
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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
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“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
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What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away!
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Teacher: “Take a seat”.
Student: “Where do you want me to take it to?”
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What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
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Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?
A “B”.
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A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.
She must be exhausted.
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What do you call London without electricity?
Londoff.
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Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!
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My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldn’t fix.
I suggested, “Break its legs.”
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The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.
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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.
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What do you do when you break your leg in two places?
Quit going to those two places!
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Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning in the ocean?
He was just too far out, man.
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s very time-consuming.
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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
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Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?
Because it has got less calories.
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How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They’re all girls! If they were boys, they’d be uncles.
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“Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny?”
“Then why aren’t you laughing?!”
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What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?
Turn into bacon.
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Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it!
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What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When you’re a mouse.
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What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?
Santa walking backwards!
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Can a dog jump higher than a house?
Well, duh. Houses can’t jump.
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