Best Jokes (4)



I was going to buy an exotic spider from the pet shop.

Then I realised I could just get one on the web.

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I’m a bipolar Star Trek fan.

I just went to the hospital to have my dilithium level checked.

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I saw an interview with Sean Connery about how he used to scuba dive for seafood.

He said, β€œEvery time I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically searching for a place to hide, so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself...

that’s shellfish.”

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I am sweating like a cactus in a greenhouse.

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You know you’re 50 when you and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.

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Which part of a computer is Spider-Man’s favorite?

The web cam.

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An Irishman walks into NASA and asks:

β€œCan Ireland my spaceship on the moon?”

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I dreamed last night that I was making pancakes whilst driving along a twisty road.

I tossed and turned all night.

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β€œWhat’s the difference between curtains and toilet paper?”

β€œI don’t know.”

β€œSo it was you!”

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If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.

I guess that’s why they moo.

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My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel.

I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me.

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I got caught cheating on my physics exam.

Furious, my professor said to me, β€œI hope you understand the gravity of the situation!”

But if I had known that, I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.

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What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?

Viola.

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How does a lobster answer the phone?

β€œShello?”

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Mom: β€œYour great-aunt just passed away. LOL.”

Son: β€œWhy is that funny?”

Mom: β€œIt’s not funny, David! What do you mean?”

Son: β€œMom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.”

Mom: β€œI thought it meant Lots of Love... I have to call everyone back!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œLettuce.”

β€œLettuce, who?”

β€œLettuce in, it’s cold out here.”

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I like to show my girlfriend who’s the boss in our house.

I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.

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There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you.

Second place is just a constellation prize.

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What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?

It was too stuffed to say anything.

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What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?

Quatro sinko.

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