Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
😄 😄 😄
What do Darth Vader and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both escaped the dark side.
😄 😄 😄
What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?
“911 is an inside job.”
😄 😄 😄
Started working from home recently building boats in my attic...
Sails are through the roof.
😄 😄 😄
What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?
OLAY.
😄 😄 😄
“Do you know who is coming to our party later on?”
“Yeah, Dee is.”
“Dee, who?”
“DEEZ NUTS!“
😄 😄 😄
What state has the most math teachers?
Math-achusetts.
😄 😄 😄
An employee asked his boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it’s so close to Christmas?”
The boss said, “It’s May.”
“Sorry,” the employee replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it’s so close to Christmas?”
😄 😄 😄
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week?
Ogretime.
😄 😄 😄
Good morning to someone who is the best sleeper in the world!
Seriously. It’s been hours. Wake up!
😄 😄 😄
As I was driving to work this morning, this truck driver swerved right through the traffic, cutting up the other road users before smashing into the back of a car.
On the back of his truck was a sign saying, “How am I driving?”.
I thought to myself, “I’ve got no idea either.”
😄 😄 😄
How does a robot eat its guacamole?
With micro-chips.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the dyslexic refuse to wear a polo shirt?
Because he was Lacoste intolerant.
😄 😄 😄
One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God. “Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun. “They’re so hard to peel.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the hipster tell his chef friend with a beard?
“You ought to shavour every bite!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
😄 😄 😄
Yo sister so fat she has two watches, one for each time zone she’s in.
😄 😄 😄
My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
😄 😄 😄
