I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, “Don’t do that again.”
“Sorry,” I said, “It must be the nerves.”
“Fair enough,” he replied, “But there was no need to hold the microphone to your ass.”
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My twin brothers dressed up as a bird this Halloween, guess what they said?
Trick or tweet.
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What do you call a cute donut?
Adoughrable.
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Which ankle did Spider-Man twist after tripping on the curb?
Ankle Ben.
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My neighbor rang my door bell at 3 AM this morning. Can you believe it! 3 AM!!
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
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Why do aliens always spill their tea?
Because they have flying saucers!
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What do you call it when Shrek falls off a boat?
Ogreboard.
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Why are synagogues round?
So the Jews can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.
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Which bakery should you go to on the Fourth of July?
The one that sells pastries with stars and stripes. The rest are just un-pastry-otic.
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Wife said, “Looks like it’s going to be chilly again tonight.”
I said, “No, that’s nachos.”
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How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
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You’re a wiener!
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Leaf.”
“Leaf, who?”
“Leaf of mistletoe over our heads. Kiss me!”
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Why did the bearded man decline the invitation to a charity event?
It was a fund razor.
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What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
A nun rolling down a hill.
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I knew a pro gamer who started testing politics simulator games.
He was a pro-tester.
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A lion, a zebra, and a sloth walk into a gym.
The personal trainer approaches them and asks, “What are your fitness goals?”
The lion replies, “I want to improve my speed and agility for hunting.”
The zebra says, “I’d like to work on my endurance to outrun predators.”
The sloth sighs, “I just need to learn to hang in there.”
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An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken.
He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card.
So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke, “Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!”
The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back once again with the smoke, “OK, chief, but why so much?”
At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky.
The tribe signals, “OK, OK, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?”
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Why do birds fly south for the fall?
Because it’s quicker than walking.
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As long, you don’t have kids, your 30s are like your 20s, but with money.
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