What do you call it when someone says it’s June in July?
Ju-lie.
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A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”
She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.
At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
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I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?
Banned from the supermarket.
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As a Canadian, I never realized how slow my internet was until today.
I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!
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What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.
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Wanted to give being a comedian a try, but I fell and couldn’t stand up...
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Millennial superstitions:
If your phone drops in the toilet bowl, you will have seven years of frustrating eyebrows.
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What’s a vegan’s favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?
En-salad-us.
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What do you call a sea of hot dogs?
Frank Ocean.
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A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched.”
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story, “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”
“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
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Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”
“Don’t get up,” said the Army Ranger, “I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.”
As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Ranger’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, “That looks good, I’d really like one, too.”
Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Ranger’s other shoe and spat in it.
When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“Why does it have to be this way?” he asked. “How long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?”
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What do you call a Malphite getting a double kill against Azir and Anivia?
Killing two birds with one stone.
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Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.”
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, “B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact. How did he do it?”
God smiled all-knowingly, “Jesus saves.”
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An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery.
The Englishman steals three buns, puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and said, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times.
And after eating them again the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
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A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.
The boss felt sorry for him and didn’t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.
He said to the worker, “Why don’t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?”
The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.
“Sir,” he whispers, his throat feeling worse, “Please slow down, there’s a road crew up ahead.”
“Okay,” the driver whispers back, “I’ll try not to wake them.”
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One day, I watched my father grilling burgers.
When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.
He then left, and never came back.
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I’m going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour.
It will be called, Tailor Swift.
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The sun and moon walked into a coffee shop.
Sun: “Oh man, I forgot my wallet!”
Moon: “Don’t worry, I’ll cover you.”
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My New Year’s resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!
I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!
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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?
Rob.
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