They say laughter is the best medicine.
I guess your face can cure the world.
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2 peanuts were walking down the street.
One was assaulted, the other got aroasted.
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You know you’re 50 when you and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.
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Work is really interfering with my enjoyment of working from home.
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An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip.
Now and then, the rabbi’s grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable.
After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, “I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What’s your secret?”
The rabbi replied, “Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of God. So they look up to me.
But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?”
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How do crabs get around on land?
They use the sidewalk.
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Your mama’s so short that when she sat on the curb her feet didn’t touch the ground.
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Ancient Egyptian architect: “Do you know how to build a pyramid?”
Ancient Egyptian builder: “Well, err yeah, up to a point.”
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A man enters a pet shop and wants to buy a polar bear.
The shop assistant takes the man to the bear’s cage and says, “The polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, don’t touch his nose.”
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK.
Until the man can’t no longer withstand, “I have to try what happens when I touch his nose!”
So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally, the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him.
With his paw, the bear taps the man’s shoulder and says, “You are it!”
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A man walks into a bar...
His alcoholism is destroying his family.
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A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks her, “First offender?”
She says, “No, first a Gibson then a Fender.”
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A guy walks into a pharmacy: “I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I’m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?”
Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!
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Why was Aunt May worried about Peter Parker?
He was spending too much time on the world wide web.
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Every year on April 15...
The IRS pays its taxes to Chuck Norris.
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Why don’t sharks like to eat blue whales?
Because they’re all blubber and no beef.
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I randomly encountered a video on YouTube that’s says “How to stop procrasinating”.
I thought it was beneficial to me since I am constantly procrastinating, so I saved it to watch later.
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Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually, his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”
The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”
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In the spirit of Easter, I’ve hidden eggs around the apartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I’m not telling my roommates.
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A guy was in a bar drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”
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A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES.
The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read MAIN ENTRANCE.
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