Best Jokes (4)



After a month of dieting, I lost 30 days.

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How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?

An itsy bitsy book.

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What did one Egyptian say to the other when they farted at the same time?

Looks like we’ve got a Tutankhamen.

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A stormtrooper and a redshirt are in a room.

The stormtrooper shoots the redshirt, but misses every shot.

The redshirt dies anyway.

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My bed and I love each other but the alarm clock is not clear!

Good morning!

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I saw a butterfly with no wings today.

I poured some Red Bull on it and BAM... it drowned.

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What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?

Done!

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Sherlock Holmes got audited by the IRS.

He had too many deductions.

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A preschool teacher asked her students in class, β€œWho can count from one to ten?”

Little 3-year-old Timmy swiftly raised his hand, β€œI can!” and started counting, β€œOne, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!”

The teacher is impressed, β€œWell done Timmy! Who taught you that?”

β€œMy uncle Bobby!” Timmy said.

β€œCan you count past ten?” The teacher asked Timmy.

β€œThat’s easy!” Timmy continued, β€œJack, Queen, King…”

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What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

Every morning you will rise and shine!

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Black Friday came earlier this year for me...

My TV was stolen.

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What do you call a leprechaun’s prank?

A St. Pat-trick!

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You’re so short that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œMikey.”

β€œMikey, who?”

β€œMikey doesn’t work, can you let me in?”

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Why did the barber keep agreeing to shave the lion’s fur even though it was dangerous?

It was his mane source of income.

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Yo mama so fat NASA thought she was a planet.

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3 men talk about their wives.

The first one says, β€œMy wife is like a butterflyβ€”so delicate and pretty.”

The second one, β€œMine is like a baby deerβ€”beautiful and gracious.”

After a moment of silence the third one goes, β€œNow that I think about it mine doesn’t look much human either.”

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What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

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I decided to make a witty perfume.

My colleague said the most important component should be the scents of humor.

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What do you call a slow learner born at the beginning of August?

A leotard.

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