Best Jokes (4)



When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

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Losing a wife can be very tough.

Some may even say impossible.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œAnita.”

β€œAnita, who?”

β€œAnita piece of that birthday cake!”

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My lucky day! I didn’t have enough money for the Honda, but the dealership took pity on me and gave me an old Fiesta.

I couldn’t afford an Accord, but I was accorded a Ford.

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A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

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I suspect the moon wasn’t hungry last night.

It looked full.

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I went to watch Spider-Man playing baseball.

He was great at catching flies.

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What’s a toilet on a Portuguese jetty called?

A porto potty.

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What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?

I don’t know, lettuce sea.

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How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?

He was very thinkful.

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What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

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A boxer was throwing nothing but right hooks at a punching bag.

His trainer walked up and asked, β€œWhat gives?”

The boxer replied, β€œI’m exercising my rights.”

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My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek.

It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.

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Babe, guess what would look good on you?

Me.

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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.

I guess there is life on Mars after all.

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A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence.

He pulls him out and says, β€œSorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”

The Mexican man pleads with them, β€œNo, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, β€œI’m going to make it hard for him.”

He says, β€œOk, I’ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence. The three words are β€˜green’, β€˜pink’, and β€˜yellow’.”

The Mexican man thinks, then says, β€œHmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez β€œyellow?”.”

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A senator is visiting a primary school.

In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers, β€œIf my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.”

β€œNo,” the senator says, β€œthat would be an ACCIDENT.”

A girl raises her hand, β€œIf a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside… that would be a tragedy.”

β€œI’m afraid not,” explains the senator. β€œThat is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”

The room is silentβ€”none of the other children dare volunteer.

β€œWhat?” asks the Senator, β€œIsn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, Little Johnny in the back raises his hand.

In a timid voice, he says, β€œIf an airplane carrying a senator was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy.”

β€œMarvelous!” the senator beams. β€œAnd can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”

β€œWell,” says Johnny, β€œbecause it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be any great loss.”

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People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.

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Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?

First he’ll bellowulf at you, then he’ll shakespeare.

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Why do we call the aliens creating the pyramids a conspiracy theory?

It’s obviously a pyramid scheme.

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