How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep.
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Not sure if there’s been a break-in...
...or I just need to clean up.
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Where are bearded prisoners sent?
The Gilette-ine.
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The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter.
“lol”.
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What do you call a snail holding a baseball bat?
A slugger.
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Your ears are so big your parents put you on the roof to see which way the wind is blowing.
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Can you guess where that famous painter’s ear went?
Not sure, but I saw it get in a Van and Gogh!
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I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.
It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper...
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I’m not Superman, I’m not Batman, I’m not Spider-Man...
But I’m your Man.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Olive.”
“Olive, who?”
“Olive the other reindeer.”
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Yo mama’s so dumb she wasn’t looking for the droids in the first place!
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I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren’t gonna work out.
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Why don’t we have a Reality Show where flat Earthers walk to the end of the Earth?
Because that would be edgy.
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Getting dress for work is so stressful. Should I put on yoga pants or sweatpants?
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Coding Rules:
• If it’s working, don’t touch it.
• Bad code can’t be debugged. Neither can good code.
• If you don’t know something, Google it.
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The English teacher in India.
Teacher: “Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: “I is the...”
Teacher: “Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an ‘I’. Always put ‘am’ after an ‘I’.”
Student: “OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
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An ant approaches an elephant and asks, “Would you like to play?”
“Sure,” replies the elephant.
“So, what’s your favorite game?” the ant inquires.
“Squash,” says the elephant.
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It will be 20 years since I last had a drink on the 5th of January.
I drink on all of the other days.
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People call my obsession with the afterlife suicidal.
Truth be told, I’m dying to find out if there is life after death.
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Where does the moon go to get its qualifications?
Moon-iversity!
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