Best Jokes (4)



A ranger was assigned the task of hunting buffalo. He hired an aboriginal scout to assist him. They set out on their expedition to find buffalo.

After a while, the scout dismounts, places his ear to the ground, and says, β€œHumm, buffalo come.”

The ranger looks around with his binoculars but sees nothing.

β€œI see nothing,” he says to the scout, β€œhow do you know buffalo are coming?”

β€œEar sticky,” says the scout.

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An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.

She unloads on the doctor, β€œDoctor, my friends are all being awful people! They’re all telling me I fart all the time, and it’s just plain rude of them!

β€œOh really?” The doctor says.

β€œYEAH! They’re ALL silent so I have no idea why they’d point them out. On top of all that, for them to tell me my gas is enough to gag a maggot. How could your friends say that!!”

β€œI see,” the doctor says.

β€œYEAH!! I’ve even felt a few fly out in the office and you’ve not had a SINGLE problem in this visit.”

β€œHere, take these pills, they should help you out.” The doctor says.

It’s been a day now, and the doctor’s pensively reviewing some charts, when all of a sudden the old lady busts into practice, shouting at the receptionist for the doctor to see her RIGHT AWAY.

She says, β€œDoctor, what the hell have you done with these pills?! I’m farting ALL THE TIME now and it smells like a landfill!”

After a deep breath, the doctor says, β€œNow that your nose is fixed, let’s work on your gas and ears.”

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A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.

His mother says, β€œMerci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?”

The boy says, β€œNo mommy, it’s nacho cheese.”

His mother says, β€œAre you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.”

β€œI know,” says the boy, β€œbut when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, β€˜Hey, that’s nacho cheese!’”

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NASA has finally announced what would have happened to the earth if the moon wasn’t present.

50% less poems and love songs.

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Bob’s first day in heaven.

God: β€œYou’re about to get your wings!”

Bob: β€œLemon pepper or BBQ?”

God: β€œGet out.”

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What is round, huge, and very gassy?

Uranus.

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I can row a boat.

Canoe?

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Yo mama’s so fat her durasteel armor has stretch marks!

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Why did Uranus start a comedy club?

Because it wanted to be the butt of all jokes.

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To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot.

β€œI don’t know how you sleep at night.”

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Why can’t polar bears eat penguins?

They can’t get the wrappers off them.

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What fish tastes best with peanut butter?

Jellyfish.

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What did a llama mum say about the twin siblings?

They looked like the spitting image of each other.

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β€œ911, what’s your emergency?”

β€œHey, I know it’s been a week since Halloween is over, but I’m seriously starting to doubt the body hanging from my neighbor’s tree is not a decoration.”

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I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .

That’s when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.

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What is green, white, and red all over?

An elf with a sunburn.

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My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.

He said, β€œEnjoy the HOLE donut!”

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After Jesus’s trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.

β€œI don’t know. I’ll keep you posted.”

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Yo mama so poor when I stepped on a cigarette to put it out she said β€œHey, who turned off the heat?”

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Why did the astronaut grow a beard in space?

He wanted spacial hair.

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