After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet.
It was then I shared my dark secret, “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”
😄 😄 😄
Are you an electrician?
Because you’re definitely lighting up my night!
😄 😄 😄
What was Newton’s most favorite dessert?
An apple pi.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a person from Portugal?
Portuguese.
What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?
Portugeezer.
😄 😄 😄
What is a wolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the hot dog stand on the moon?
The hot dogs were out of this world, but there was absolutely no atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve been listening to Harry Styles’ new music recently and I must say...
He has gotten a lot better ever since he went in the other direction.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man became a vigilante.
Meanwhile, Aunt May became a vigil auntie.
😄 😄 😄
What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?
St. O’Claus.
😄 😄 😄
The real space question that not even NASA can answer is why do we classify Uranus as a planet and not as a black hole?
😄 😄 😄
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were all lost in the desert.
After walking along for a while they eventually found a lamp and rubbed it.
A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home.
Poof! She was transported back home.
The brunette wished to be back at home with her family.
Poof! She was magically transported back home.
The blonde then says, “Aww, I wish my friends were here.”
😄 😄 😄
iPhone users, don’t bother sending the Meteor emoji to your Android friends.
It won’t have the same impact.
😄 😄 😄
The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, “That’s probably why!”
😄 😄 😄
A man approaches a priest.
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”
“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.”
“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”
“No, but it’ll wipe that smile off your face.”
😄 😄 😄
A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell.
At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left, and he isn’t looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning.
He comes up with a labor-saving solution: Next to the bin where his melons are carefully arranged, he places a large sign saying “ONE OF THESE IS POISONED”.
Reassured, he goes home to sleep.
In the morning, he comes back to find that someone has written on his sign “Now there are two”.
😄 😄 😄
I’ll just say “morning” because a good morning would be much later on a Saturday.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Orange.”
“Orange, who?”
“Orange you glad I’m here?”
😄 😄 😄
We went to a wedding and my drunk wife asked me what I thought of her dancing.
I said, “You are just staggering.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a mermaid on a roof?
Aerial.
😄 😄 😄
