What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?
Both demand you respect them, but don’t want to follow the same rules as you.
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“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
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A little girl ran up to her father, shouting, “Daddy, Daddy! Can you guess how old I’ll be in October?”
The father laughed, “Oh, I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?”
She gave him a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.
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What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?
The Carroty Kid.
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A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.
He went to a shop and found a nice-looking VR set.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, “What happens if this doesn’t work?”
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, ‘GUARANTEE NO SPOILED’.
Feeling assured, he paid for the VR set and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the VR set after returning to the hotel, but it wouldn’t even switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.
When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, “Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.”
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Two students are building a model of the solar system.
Student 1: “Did you remember to bring Uranus like I asked you?”
Student 2: “I never leave home without it!”
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The US government has been there for us through hard times from the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu, and tragedies like the loss of American lives.
I’m starting to think they’re bad luck.
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I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes.
Because I am lack-toes-intolerant.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a snowman!”
Doctor: “Keep cool.”
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Singular: one mango
Plural: Two menwent
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Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s no mush-room.
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What do you call a landing page with a high bounce rate?
A takeoff page.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Bertha.”
“Bertha, who?”
“Happy Bertha Day to you.”
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What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?
Aria 51.
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I wanted to try my hand at designing my own game on Roblox.
But it was just too blocky for me.
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The donut shop got robbed.
The burglars said they chose it because the shop was rolling in the dough.
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Looking for some fun?
Come and explore Uranus!
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Who knew I would be an organ donor so early in life?
I already gave my heart to you.
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What were Stephen Hawking’s last words?
“Error 404. File not found.”
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If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it?
Raisin hell!
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