Why do anteaters never get colds?
Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!
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Yes, money can’t buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.
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After I spoke with the tax auditor, I slept like a baby.
I woke up every hour and cried.
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What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews.
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What do you say to the otter with a bad tooth?
“You otter see the dentist.”
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It’s so cold, the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
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A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to an old lady’s door.
She answers and he says, “I’m so sorry, I ran over your cat. I’d like to replace it.”
The old woman says, “Okay, how good are you at catching mice?”
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Me: “Hello, 911? I want to report a hit-and-run.”
Dispatcher: “What was the make and model of the vehicle?”
Me: “It was a Lamborghini Silhouette.”
Dispatcher: “How do you spell that?”
Me: “Huh!? Sorry, I mean it was a BMW Z4.”
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My girlfriend told me I care more about my programming job than about her.
I told her she is the #1 thing I care about.
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Why did Pluto have to go to the dentist?
Because he spotted some black holes.
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Your forehead is so big, you’ll never have enough hair for bangs.
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“There is no God” – Stephen Hawking, 2011.
“There is no Stephen Hawking” – God, 2018.
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What do you get when you cross a Software Engineer with an English teacher?
A programmar.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Uranus.”
“Uranus, who?”
“My anus doesn’t have a last name, does yours?”
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Chuck Norris killed 2 stones with 1 bird.
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When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
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An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber
Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge.
He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot, “Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!”
The bomber pilot replies, “Oh, yeah? Let’s see you do this!” and keeps flying straight and level.
The fighter jock asks, “Um... What did you do?”
The B-52 pilot says, “I just shut down two engines.”
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Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?
Because school is only 6 hours a day!
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What do you call a guy in a plaid suit?
Check mate.
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Some people say rolling dice for stats in D&D is old-fashioned and outdated.
But I think it builds character.
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