These days, shoes are called snickers.
π π π
Why did the knee specialist turn into a priest?
He wanted to have a mea-knee-ingful life.
π π π
Why do people think vampire always have the flu?
Because they be coffin all day.
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βAtch.β
βAtch, who?β
βBless you! Now letβs celebrate your birthday!β
π π π
What did the salad dressing say to the tomato?
Donβt look, Iβm dressing!
π π π
What did the alien say when he was out of the room?
Iβm all spaced out!
π π π
I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
π π π
What did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?
βWhich craft?β
π π π
What do you call a camel with no hump on a Wednesday?
Humph-rey.
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βBeak.β
βBeak, who?β
βBeak careful that you donβt get pranked on April Foolsβ Day.β
π π π
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first and the redhead second.
The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and a drink she said, βI donβt want to complain, but Iβm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.β
π π π
Where are bearded prisoners sent?
The Gilette-ine.
π π π
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, βAnd what starting salary are you looking for?β
The engineer replies, βIn the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.β
The interviewer inquires, βWell, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?β
The engineer sits up straight and says, βWow! Are you kidding?β
The interviewer replies, βYeah, but you started it.β
π π π
My wife says sheβs leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
I said, βPlease donβt go, honey. Youβre the Obi-Wan for me.β
π π π
Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position.
But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
Thereβs more geese on that side.
π π π
Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?
It was an old family recipe.
π π π
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldnβt they call it a reignforest?
π π π
Once I tried to paint the sky, but I blue it.
π π π
A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.
I took in a breath and asked aloud, βWhatβs that smell?β
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, βChanel, 500 dollars an ounce.β She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.
She turns to me and asks, βWhatβs that smell?β
I say, βBroccoli, $1.49 a pound.β
π π π
Why didnβt the vampire bite Taylor Swift?
Because she had bad blood.
π π π