I watched the cricket for four hours today and I finally understand it...
It uses its legs to make a noise.
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Did you know they found water on the moon?
But only when it’s waning.
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I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
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It only takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
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I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasn’t home.
Forget the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!
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For Father’s Day, my wife and kid made me breakfast in bed.
I’d have preferred they made it in the kitchen, but it’s the thought that counts.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Uranus.”
“Uranus, who?”
“Uranus is a gas giant.”
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I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet.
After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff.
But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
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I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”
I said, “Not at all.”
He said, “‘Kiss?’”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel”
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What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?
“I’m sorry, I’m too mature for you.”
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I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the freeway. Twice.
Should I report the vehicle as stolen?
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My libertarian neighbor posted a newspaper ad selling his collection of Star Trek ships.
And here I thought he believed in free Enterprise.
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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?
Phil.
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Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech.
In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
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How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?
He ate him on Sunday night!
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A group of computer scientists walk into a restaurant and ask for a table for 4.
The waitress replies, “But sir, there are 5 of you.”
The computer scientist says, “No, look, there are 4 of us, see! 0...1...2...3...4...”
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Why did the disgruntled hot dog vendor quit his job?
He just didn’t relish it.
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Yo mama so fat, she sweats butter and syrup, and has a full time job at Denny’s wiping pancakes across her forehead.
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Good morning!
I hope you step on a Lego today, just to remind you that pain is temporary.
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Ancient Egyptian architect: “Do you know how to build a pyramid?”
Ancient Egyptian builder: “Well, err yeah, up to a point.”
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