A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:
“Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
“Never mind. Found one!”
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What do you call a sad berry?
A blue-fruit.
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
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A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”
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What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
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Why aren’t people in recovery good dancers?
They lose interest after twelve steps.
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What a morning...
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snowwoman.
8:15 I made a snowwoman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snowwoman’s voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snowwoman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 I am told the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter, “Yeah, if it’s up your...”
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 ISIS just claimed responsibility...
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When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?
When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
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Yo mama so dumb she tried to eat pi.
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What’s a vegan’s favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?
En-salad-us.
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I ate a cactus today...
It had a sharp taste.
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Chuck Norris never won an Oscar because he is NOT acting.
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Yo mamma is so ugly that not even Ewoks will let her into their clan.
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What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?
Spook-hetti!
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What is a cactus’s favorite Minions movie?
Des-prick-able Me.
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I don’t trust people who don’t like mushrooms.
Clearly, they are of low morel fiber.
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What’s the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?
One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“What do you mean if I can read this?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the dude.”
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Feeling blue? A blueberry muffin can be your rescue!
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It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.
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