What’s the difference between a physician and a preschool teacher?
One has a job with patients, the other has the patience of job.
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A man walks into a bar...
His alcoholism is destroying his family.
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Why did Pluto have to go to the dentist?
Because he spotted some black holes.
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What is a bad bowler’s favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving because they finally get a turkey.
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Why did the unlucky bearded man shave?
Because fortune favors the shave!
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Europe.”
“Europe, who?”
“No, YOU’RE a poo!”
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life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
It’s more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.
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An Australian guy was playing Mama Mia on his didgeridoo.
I thought, that’s aboriginal.
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Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.
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What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?
A spores car!
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A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.
He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”
“That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man.
“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”
“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”
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As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
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No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce.
They keep telling me it’s a lost cos.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Don.”
“Don, who?”
“Don be putting down the Irish now!”
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Guess what you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
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What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay.
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Why don’t mermaids play badminton?
They might get caught in the net.
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Yo momma so fat when she farts scientists on Tatooine think the star around Coruscant just went supernova.
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What do you call doctors who graduated online?
Google Docs.
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Guy 1: “Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.”
Guy 2: “And since when is Mike your best friend?”
Guy 1: “Yesterday.”
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