The donut shop got robbed.
The burglars said they chose it because the shop was rolling in the dough.
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Looking for some fun?
Come and explore Uranus!
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Who knew I would be an organ donor so early in life?
I already gave my heart to you.
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What were Stephen Hawking’s last words?
“Error 404. File not found.”
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If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it?
Raisin hell!
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What do ghosts use to do their makeup?
Vanishing cream.
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How are rioters like school in July?
No class.
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I went to see a beet poet the other day.
There were lots of hip peas there.
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What do you call a psychic gnome that just committed a hit and run?
A small medium at large.
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The father was telling his son a bedtime story.
Father: “Once upon a time there was a white bunny...”
Son: “Jeez, dad it’s boring, what about science fiction?”
“Ok, Ok,” said the father. “Once upon a time there was a bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...”
Son: “Dad, a little more grown up!”
“Do you promise me not to tell your mom?” asked the father.
Son: “I swear!”
Father: “Ok. Once upon a time there was a naked bunny...”
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Life is better in a sweater.
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What do you call rain on Turkey Day?
Fowl weather.
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I went to a bar for a New Year’s celebration and took a cab home.
Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us to pass.
After a while, I made it home safely, which is surprising because I’ve never driven a cab.
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I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?
Banned from the supermarket.
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Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted, “YOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY!”
I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley.
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Employee: “Your careers page says the company offers a competitive salary. What does that mean exactly?”
HR: “That means your salary will be competing with your bills.”
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What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
The Anti-crust.
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What does CHEVY stand for?
Cheapest Heap Ever Viewed Yet.
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Why did the fungi leave the party?
There wasn’t mush-room for dancing.
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity.
Twice.
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