What is the best way to criticize your boss?
Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.
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Every summer I get bit by exactly one thousand twenty-four bugs.
My wife told me to get over it because it was just one byte.
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Yeah, god only lets things grow until they’re perfect.
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John F. Kennedy was feeling down one November afternoon.
He decided to go on a ride to clear his head.
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What do you call pandas on April 1st?
Bamboo-zler!
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What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
“I’M BREADY TO DIE!”
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What is messy coder’s blood group?
Type O.
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Yo mama so poor when she found a penny she thought she had hit the lottery.
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Why did the accountant do so well in AA?
He was already a friend of bills.
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You’re so short that you had to use a toothpick to compete in the javelin.
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I’m very familiar with paranormal activity.
I keep getting ghosted.
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What do the Backstreet Boys and algebra teachers have in common?
They both want you to tell them Y.
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Why did they arrest the volleyball player?
They suspected foul play.
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of
feminine product for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The salesgirl says confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some
feminine product for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.”
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Why can’t diabetics have vengeance?
Because vengeance is sweet.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?
Gas-tronomic swirl.
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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”
She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
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What’s a cow’s favorite TV drama?
Graze Anatomy.
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They wanted me for the lead role in Twelve Years a Slave, but id only been married for 10.
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What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie.. or not to brie...
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