What’s the only type of melon that changes colors at will?
A chamelon.
😄 😄 😄
What happened to the bearded clown after he was kicked out of the circus?
He lost his stubble mode of income.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Titan who can’t swim?
Titanic.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat when she ate an Avocado it was Nickado.
😄 😄 😄
Santa was drawing money from an ATM.
A person, who was just behind him in the line, said, “Ha, ha, haaa! I’ve seen your password. It’s 4 asterisks.”
Santa replies, “Ha, ha, ha! You are wrong. It’s 1258.”
😄 😄 😄
I threw away my can opener.
It was more of a can’t opener.
😄 😄 😄
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
😄 😄 😄
Why are German hot dogs the most controversial?
It’s because they make the best and the wurst ones.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about that dyslexic Japanese samurai?
He was so dishonored, that he committed Sudoku.
😄 😄 😄
Once a programmer drowned in the sea.
Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1 F1” and nobody understood it.
😄 😄 😄
Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter says, “We’re pretty full, so we’re making people pass additional tests.
I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and he’s only letting in people who have a connection to Jets.”
All three sets of eyes light up.
Sondheim steps up and says, “I wrote the definitive American musical, and it was all about a gang called the Jets.”
St. Peter waves him through.
John Madden says, “I coached in a classic NFL game, where my Raiders beat the Jets on a last-second touchdown.”
Also gets waived through.
St. Peter says, “OK, Betty, what about you?”
She smiles and says, “If he’s really omniscient, he knows what I do in hot tubs...”
😄 😄 😄
Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
“Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan.”
So, one of them asked the other: “When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a half-baked joke?
A pun in the oven.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?
A Volt-demort.
😄 😄 😄
How do bad guys in Marios Bros. surf the internet?
With web Bowsers.
😄 😄 😄
The reason that no one has returned to the moon for so long is that every time someone tries to book a hotel there, it’s full...
😄 😄 😄
Some wise guys show a civil engineer an 8 ounce glass with 4 ounces of water in it.
They ask him the age old question, “Is the glass half empty or half full?”
The civil engineer responds, “The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”
😄 😄 😄
If Shrek had been an average movie, it would’ve been...
Mediogre.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a pharmacy: “I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I’m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?”
Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!
😄 😄 😄
I get so nervous during earthquakes.
That I start shaking uncontrollably.
😄 😄 😄
