Hairdresser: βWould you like a haircut?β
Boy: βNo, Iβd like them all cut.β
π π π
Good morning!
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Iβm aiming for the cheese today!
π π π
I did that ancestry DNA thing, and it came back that I was 20% American Indian.
It makes sense because after I went to prom it rained for 2 weeks.
π π π
Why are writers really good at coding?
Because they are really into Pro grammar.
π π π
What do you call a dog with a fever?
Hot dog.
π π π
When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.
But when we grew up, the electricity bill is what made us afraid of the light.
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Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position.
But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
Thereβs more geese on that side.
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Iβm not a morning person or a night owl.
Iβm a permanently exhausted pigeon just trying to get through the day.
Good morning!
π π π
Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.
The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.
The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.
βIs this horse unsound?β they asked.
βNot a bit,β said the owner.
βIn that case,β asked the stewards, βwhy have you never raced him before?β βMister,β said the man from Idaho, βwe couldnβt even catch the critter until he was five years old.β
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You know youβre 50 when that come hither look you used to have in your eyes just doesnβt look as enticing through your bifocals.
π π π
How did the flu become so popular?
They promoted it using an influenza.
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I love your sweater.
I think itβs made out of spouse material.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βYa.β
βYa, who?β
βAww, I love it when youβre this excited to see me!
π π π
What do you call a guy whoβs 19 years old forever?
Constantine.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
Mummies.
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Deep sleep prevents aging.
Especially when you are driving.
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Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin?
It had melonoma.
π π π
Two married unicorns are lying in bed.
The husband unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says, βBig stormβs a brewin.β
The wife unicorn then replies, βWell, then Iβm glad we didnβt go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah.β
π π π
A grumpy man spent an evening with his friends at a comedy club and asked his doctor for a course on antibiotics. Guess what for?
He thought laughter was infectious.
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Whatβs the best way to organize a space party?
Planet early!
π π π