An aircraft was traveling from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, “We have lost one engine, but don’t worry, there are still three left. However, we will need seven hours to get to New York instead of five.”
A little later, the pilot announced, “Another engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York.”
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, “A third engine was broken. Never fear because the plane’s still able to fly on one engine. However, it’ll take another 18 hours to get from here to New York.”
At this point, one passenger said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”
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Perfume is a very logical business.
It always makes scents.
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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driver—a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tie—poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, “Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, “Sure.”
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“Impressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, “You’re on.”
“You are an auditor,” said the shepherd without hesitation.
“That’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. “However did you guess?”
“It wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. “You show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!”
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What is a recently divorced woman’s favorite fruit?
Mango.
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Yo mama so fat not even Superman can lift her.
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Why did the husband say after grabbing his wife’s love handles while looking at all her skin?
“You are so skinny.”
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Why could Spider-man not drive a car decently even once?
Because he always confused drifting with spinning and end of in accidents.
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I love you un-cone-ditionally.
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Trying to wake you up is such a thrill.
It’s like waking up a mad beast from its ponderous slumber.
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The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
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Donut underestimate the power of baked goods.
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I wanted to start a hide-and-seek league.
But good players are hard to find.
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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, “Don’t do that again.”
“Sorry,” I said, “It must be the nerves.”
“Fair enough,” he replied, “But there was no need to hold the microphone to your ass.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Chicken.”
“Chicken, who?”
“Just chicken this is the right house!”
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Three astronauts are sitting at a table: one from the US, one from Russia and one from Poland.
The US astronaut says, “We’re going to Mars.”
The Russian says, “We made it to the moon.”
The Pole says, “We’re going to the sun.”
The other two astronauts say, “You can’t land on the sun, you’ll burn. There’s nothing to land on.”
The polish guy says, “Don’t tell anyone, but we’re going at night!”
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What is the difference between a cookie and a cracker.
Cookies don’t care if you pull down a civil war statue.
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
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Do you come from a family of math nerds?
If you do, then you have square roots!
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Why was the toilet paper in detention?
It was unraveling all the time!
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How do people know Taylor Swift had a breakup?
Because she releases a whole album about it.
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