I hear that Uranus just floats around in space. Can you explain that?
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“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
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Sunday school teacher: “Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”
Johnny: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”
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A man went to the doctor and said, “I think I am upside down.”
When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, “Because my feet smell and my nose runs.”
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How do camels hide from predators?
Camel-flage.
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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh!” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man, hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well, no, but... it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
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What did a brick say to a wall?
“I’ve got your back!”
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Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
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There’s a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery.
The head of the group walks in and says, “I’m seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I’m pretty disappointed.”
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Do songbirds get mad at hummingbirds...
Because they don’t know the words.
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I sued the airport the other day because they didn’t want to give me my luggage.
Guess what, I lost the case.
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Chuck Norris once saw Spider-Man on a wall and then folded his newspaper.
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What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A woolly jumper.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cash.”
“Cash, who?”
“I didn’t realize you were some kind of nut!”
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Why do cemeteries contain the best stories?
Because they have so many plots.
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What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?
A barberqueue!
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Mortal: “What is a million years like to you?”
God: “Like one second.”
Mortal: “What is a million pounds like to you?”
God: “Like one penny.”
Mortal: “Can I have a penny?”
God: “Just a second...”
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What time did Goofy have a dentist appointment?
Tooth Hurty.
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All the physicists meet up in heaven and decide to play a game of hide and seek.
They decide that Fermi will be the seeker, so he closes his eyes and begins counting to 100.
All the physicists scatter, except for Newton, who calmly reaches into his pocket, takes out some chalk, and draws a square one meter on a side.
Fermi finishes counting and turns around, seeing Newton standing in his chalk square he yells, “I found Newton. Newton is out!”
Newton protests, “No, I’m Newton in a meter square—I’m Pascal. Pascal is out!”
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I quickly learned that the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk.
Is one of them attends meetings.
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