Why did the flu virus go to the theater?
It heard the play was infectious.
😄 😄 😄
A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.
Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow, “What the heck are you doing down there?”
And the fellow shouts back, “Yoga!”
😄 😄 😄
Where do you smart hot dogs go?
On the honor role.
😄 😄 😄
If you don’t wake up soon, I will eat your breakfast.
😄 😄 😄
My New Year’s resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!
I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!
😄 😄 😄
A Mormon mother was preparing pancakes for her sons—Owen, 5, and Bill, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.”
Owen turned to his younger brother and said, “Bill, you be Jesus.”
😄 😄 😄
My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality.
I don’t know what that means, but must be pretty good if I’ve got it.
😄 😄 😄
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Kanga.”
“Kanga, who?”
“Actually, it’s kangaroo!”
😄 😄 😄
An Irishman walks into NASA and asks:
“Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon?”
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so hot I gotta wear oven mitts to touch her.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dragon with no wings?
Draggin.
😄 😄 😄
I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.
My homework ate my dog.
😄 😄 😄
Working from home. Day 1:
This’ll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.
Day 8:
Engages in conversation with a lamp...
😄 😄 😄
Why are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them!
😄 😄 😄
I asked Uranus about its love life.
And it replied, “It’s complicated, I’m in a gas-tly relationship.”
😄 😄 😄
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I’m paying for it.
😄 😄 😄
If bats could talk, what would they say about the coronavirus?
Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down!
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
😄 😄 😄
If a spider can bite you and make you a Spider-Man, can you bite me so I can be your man?
😄 😄 😄
