Yo mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
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What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?
Sick and twisted.
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Good morning!
Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Anita.”
“Anita, who?”
“Anita piece of that birthday cake!”
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Marriage is a workshop, where man works and woman shops.
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I said to my kid, “Someone just told me that you’re acting like an owl.”
My son: “Who?”
Me: “Exactly.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Uriah.”
“Uriah, who?”
“Keep Uriah on the birthday cake, it’s about to be lit!”
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The last twenty-five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.
For instance, I've lived through more Spider-Man re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.
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Three soccer players—one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenal—are lost in the desert.
They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.
So the guy from Manchester says, “Well, since I’m from ManCHESTer, I’ll get the chest.
The player from Liverpool goes, “Well, in that case I'll eat the liver.
Then guy from ARSEnal says, “I’m not hungry...”
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Why did Spider-Man quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
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Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But I’m not sure if I’ll keep them.
The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.
I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.
I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.
What luck! An ad for “Gorilla removal”.
I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.
5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.
At this point, I asked the guy, “Hey what’s the plan?”
He said, “Well, I’m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and you’ll never see that Gorilla again.”
To which I asked, “What’s the shotgun for?”
“Well, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
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Isn’t funny making a flat Earth believer angry?
But if you push them over the edge then you’re only proving them right.
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What do you call an Indian doctor who likes telling dad jokes and give flu shots?
Pun-Jabby.
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Two students are building a model of the solar system.
Student 1: “Did you remember to bring Uranus like I asked you?”
Student 2: “I never leave home without it!”
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Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
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What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
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My friend said that my haircut makes me look like a rooster.
I said it’s a cock-a-doodle do.
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I never drink beer with an orange slice in it.
Except once in a Blue Moon.
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Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born.
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What’s a poodle’s favorite kind of pizza?
Pupperoni.
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