Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.
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Why do registered nurses bring a red crayon to work?
In case, they have to draw blood.
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I’ll just say “morning” because a good morning would be much later on a Saturday.
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How did the data scientist get his girlfriend to become an attractive model?
By training her.
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I wanted to ask Spider-Man to connect my TV, but I couldn’t find Maguire.
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
Dude sold his soul to Santa.
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How do you repair a broken jack o’ lantern?
Use a pumpkin patch.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!”
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I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water.
It’s an untapped market.
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What do you say when someone dies between February 19th and March 20th?
Rest in Pisces.
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Last year on Mother’s Day we had a big family get-together.
Afterwards my Mom starting getting ready to do the dishes.
Of course I couldn’t let her do that on her special day.
I said, “Leave the dishes, Mom. You can always do them tomorrow.”
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What does a bass guitar and a baseball have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
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“Dad, did you ever fall in love?”
“Yes, son. I did once.”
“And, what happened?”
“In the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.”
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If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
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Why did the astronaut bring a ladder to Uranus?
To reach for the stars.
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Why did Chuck Norris destroy the periodic table?
Because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
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What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?
24 Karat cakes.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Who who.”
“Who who, who?”
“Santa is that you?”
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Why did the llama win the rap battle?
Because he was good at spitting.
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What are bombing instructors in Jihad camps getting tired of hearing?
“OK Boomer!”
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