Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?
His father was hard-boiled.
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Iβve just seen a dentist having a big row with a manicurist.
They fought tooth and nail.
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I got really badΒ sunburnΒ after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
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Whatβs a vegetableβs favorite martial art?
Carrotee!
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Why did the peanut butter and jelly break up?
Because they were always spread too thin.
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Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking.
One blonde says to the other, βWhich do you think is farther away Florida or the moon?β
The other blonde turns and says, βHellooooooo, can you see Florida?β
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Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
Itβs hard to lose a bowling ball.
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Why is the sun not very heavy to carry?
Because it is really very light.
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My libertarian neighbor posted a newspaper ad selling his collection of Star Trek ships.
And here I thought he believed in free Enterprise.
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Whatβs the difference between popcorn and pea soup?
Anyone can pop corn, but you canβt pee soup.
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Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset.
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An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy.
The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following, βMr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of Β£1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to Β£1,100.β
The student said, βI see. The ethics question is βDo I tell the client?ββ
βWrong answer! The question is βDo I tell my partner?ββ
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A gun company has been criticised after bringing out a pistol covered in Lego.
The manufacturer says itβs perfectly safe, unless you step on it in bare feet.
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.
A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.
βSon,β said the man, βeating too much candy isnβt good for you.β
βMy grandfather lived to be 100,β Johnny replies.
βDid he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?β the man asks.
βNo,β said Johnny, βHe minded his own damn business!β
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Guy 1: βYesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.β
Guy 2: βAnd since when is Mike your best friend?β
Guy 1: βYesterday.β
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Why do blue whales need computers?
To go on their whale-net.
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My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party.
I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.
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Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
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Why did the jelly go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling jammed up.
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My dad called. He said heβs coming back home after all these years.
The Boomer rang.
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