Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?
Swine flu.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Somebody too short to ring the doorbell!”
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I made a chicken salad this morning.
This stupid thing is he won’t eat it.
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Daisy: “Why do you have two different colored socks on? One’s blue, but the other is green.”
Little Johnny: “I’m not sure. It’s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.”
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A car salesman asked me, “What are you looking for in a car?”
I said, “It has to be affordable.”
He said, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve never heard of a Ford Ibble.”
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Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”
Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!
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I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”
He said, “Try the ATM outside.”
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Why are the cranberries red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
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Last, I declare you the weiner of the food contest.
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A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.
His mother says, “Merci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?”
The boy says, “No mommy, it’s nacho cheese.”
His mother says, “Are you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.”
“I know,” says the boy, “but when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, ‘Hey, that’s nacho cheese!’”
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What did the doctor ask the composer right before his colonoscopy?
“How many movements?”
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How do dolphins compute?
They use a Central Porpoising Unit.
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Why couldn’t the astronaut book a room on the Harvest Moon?
Because it was full!
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My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.
She’s in charge of the hops.
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What do you call a male buffalo?
A buffellow.
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Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.
One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.
After supper she went out and put up a sign: “Beware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”
A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.
Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!!”
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What do you call a group of union workers on Labor Day?
A day of rest-olution.
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Yo mama so dumb she thought Call of Duty was a game about pooping.
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Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
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In honor of St. Patrick’s day, I’m here to tell you everything I know about leprechauns.
Very little.
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