Why shouldn’t you write a book on penguins?
Because writing on paper is much easier.
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Where can you get 100% off on everything on Black Friday?
At home by not going out.
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Hiroshima Nagasaki was nothing more than the result of Chuck Norris’ skydiving in Japan.
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It’s nearing the end of the semester at a prestigious university of philosophy.
The 100+ students wait eagerly for the professor to enter the auditorium and begin their final exam. They all have their notebooks out, as the final is open book.
The professor enters and, without saying a word, puts his chair on top of his podium.
He announces to the class, “Using everything that you know about philosophy, I want you to write an essay proving to me that this chair does not exist”.
The students begin furiously writing, all except one guy sitting in the far back. He writes something down, turns it in, and is gone in less than a minute.
A week passes and the students gather outside to view their grades, looking upon the posting in utter horror. Every one of them had failed the course... all except the one guy.
The students then gathered around him and asked him anxiously how he proved that the chair did not exist.
His reply:
“What chair?”
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I caught my wife using Tinder last night.
Needless to say, I swiped left on that cheating cow.
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Your hairline goes so far back, even Dora the Explorer couldn’t find it.
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Two Mormon missionaries knocked on my door.
One of the missionaries said, “Good afternoon, sir. I am Elder Mike and this is Elder James and we were wondering if you had a few moments to talk about the good news of Jesus Christ.”
I replied, “Wow! I had no idea Elder was such a common name!”
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I got fired from the bomb squad today.
It’s too bad really…
I had a blast working there.
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Yo momma so dumb she picked Jar Jar as her ambassador.
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What is the longest word in the English language?
“Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
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Yo mamma’s so fat that the Sarlacc rejected her as dinner.
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You are my Soil-mate!
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Your nose was on time, but you must have been a few minutes late.
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“Why are you using our daughter as a guitar?” my wife asked.
“You told me to rock her to sleep,” I replied.
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My exercise routine includes running away from my problems, running late, and running my mouth non-stop.
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What’s my blood type?
Pumpkin spice!
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What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave?
Then her name would be mozarella.
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What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?
U.V. Ray.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Yoda.”
“Yoda, who?”
“Yoda one getting older today!”
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What do you call a dog in August?
A hot dog.
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