Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?
None โ they gave up.
๐ ๐ ๐
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
๐ ๐ ๐
What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?
Rename Uranus to Ouranus.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call people who design icons in League of Legends?
Lolicons.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes.
๐ ๐ ๐
Your nose was on time, but you must have been a few minutes late.
๐ ๐ ๐
Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.
A salesclerk comes up to her and asks what sheโs looking for.
โIโm looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I donโt know what kind he uses.โ
โIs it the ball type?โ
โNo,โ she replied. โItโs for his armpits.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What is a pranksterโs favorite toy?
Silly String.
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs the difference between science and religion?
Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.
๐ ๐ ๐
I told my friend that Iโm exploring Uranus.
They asked if I was becoming an astronaut or a proctologist.
๐ ๐ ๐
Employee: โCan I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?โ
Boss: โCertainly not.โ
Employee: โThank you so much! I knew you would be understanding.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โHonda.โ
โHonda, who?โ
โHonda first day of Christmas my true love sent to meโฆโ
๐ ๐ ๐
The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.
๐ ๐ ๐
A man ordered for a voice-automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car, โCar, go and bring my children from school.โ
The car went and didnโt return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.
As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said, โThese are your children, sir.โ
In the car were their landladyโs two daughters, their choir mistressโs two sons, his wifeโs best friendโs daughter, their pastorโs son, and their neighborโs two sons.
The wife said angrily, โI demand to know if these are all your children?!โ
The man asked her calmly, โJust as soon as you tell me why our children arenโt in the car.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the man who couldnโt grow a beard tape a rabbit to his face?
Then he would get the facial hare he always wanted.
๐ ๐ ๐
โLOL stands for laugh out loud and BRB stands for be right back, but what does IDK stand for?โ
โI donโt know.โ
โAlright, fine Iโll ask somebody else.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What would you call Santa if you found him at the South Pole?
A lost clause.
๐ ๐ ๐
Little Johnnyโs teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees Little Johnny pulling faces at another child.
She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, โJohnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.โ
Little Johnny looks up to her and says, โWell miss, you canโt say that you werenโt warned.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Today I asked my daughter for a phone book.
She said, โYouโre such a boomer,โ and handed me her phone.
So, now, the spiders are dead, my daughterโs phone is broken and sheโs really mad at me.
๐ ๐ ๐
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that Iโm paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them Iโm a bus driver.
๐ ๐ ๐