Best Jokes (4)



When my fiancee told me that the dip on the table was nacho cheese, I asked her where my cheese was.

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Why do moths fly to lights?

It beats walking.

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What do you use to hold things on the moon?

Crate-rs.

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What if the Indians would have given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey?

Weโ€™d all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.

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What do snowmen do in summer?

Chillout.

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I told my wife Iโ€™d never leave her unless aliens came to take me.

It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.

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Youโ€™re so short you could sweep under your bed while standing.

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What did the raccoon say to the other raccoon?

Does my breath smell like garbage?

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What is a famous circular museum in New York devoted to Internet search engines?

The Googlenheim.

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What do you call a picture of a mushroom with no arms, legs or head?

A stalk photo.

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How does every racist joke start?

By looking over your shoulder!

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A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army. Neither of the 3 are very happy about it, and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam.

As they are waiting in line at the doctorโ€™s office, their desperation builds up untill right before itโ€™s the rabbits turn.

The rabbit turns to the fox, โ€œFox, I might have a plan. Bite off my ear, trust me on this one!โ€

The fox does so, and the rabbit enters the office.

A few moments later, he gets out yelling, โ€œI was rejected, guys!โ€

โ€œBecause of your ear?โ€ they ask.

โ€œYes, because without it, I canโ€™t detect the enemy as well,โ€ says rabbit.

โ€œGood thinking,โ€ they say.

And with that in mind the fox turns to the bear, โ€œRip my tail off!โ€

The bear doesnโ€™t even hesitate and does so.

Then, the fox takes his turn in the office.

After a while he comes back yelling, โ€œI am rejected too! Without my tail, I canโ€™t be as sneaky and agile as I need to be.โ€

Now it was the bearโ€™s turn to ask, โ€œQuickly, guys, knock out all of my teeth, because a bear without teeth isnโ€™t scary at all!โ€

The rabbit and the fox start beating the muzzle of the bear, completly breaking his face untill there is no tooth is left in his mouth.

He then proceeds to go inside the doctorโ€™s office.

Not long after he gets out, he shouts, โ€œRejecwew!โ€

โ€œNice,โ€ they say. โ€œBecause of your teeth, right?โ€

โ€œNwo,โ€œ says the bear. โ€œToo fat.โ€

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Why was the burger sad?

Because he had the blue cheese.

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Iโ€™m great at multitasking:

I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

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Itโ€™s so hot you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

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What did Earth say to the other planets?

Get a life!

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When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesnโ€™t hire stupid people.

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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

โ€œWhy of courseโ€, comes the reply.

The first man then asks, โ€œWhere are you from?โ€

โ€œIโ€™m from Scotlandโ€, replies the second man.

The first man responds, โ€œYou donโ€™t say, Iโ€™m from Scotland too! Letโ€™s have another round to Scotland.โ€

โ€œOf Courseโ€, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, โ€œWhere in Scotland are you from?โ€

โ€œAberdeenโ€, comes the reply.

โ€œI canโ€™t believe itโ€, says the first man. โ€œIโ€™m from Aberdeen too! Letโ€™s have another drink to Aberdeen.โ€

โ€œOf courseโ€, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, โ€œWhat school did you go to?โ€

โ€œSaint Andrewsโ€, replies the second man. โ€œI graduated in โ€™62.โ€

โ€œThis is unbelievable!โ€, the first man says. โ€œI went to Saint Andrewโ€™s and graduated in โ€™62, too!โ€

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

โ€œWhatโ€™s been going on?โ€, he asks the bartender.

โ€œNothing much,โ€ replies the bartender. โ€œThe MacClyde twins are drunk again.โ€

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A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.

He says, โ€œYouโ€™ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?โ€ The bartender turns to the band and yells, โ€œFrank, Iโ€™ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!โ€

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A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Dominoโ€™s Pizza:

Customer: โ€œYoooo, I ordered a pizza, and it came with no toppings on it or anything, itโ€™s just bread!โ€

Dominoโ€™s: โ€œWeโ€™re sorry to hear about this.โ€

Customer (minutes later): โ€œNever mind, I opened the pizza upside down...โ€

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