What do you call a rapper that smells nice?
Post Cologne.
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What’s the most common operation in a Lego hospital?
Plastic surgery.
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My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
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The bed-and-breakfast was owned by a little old lady who would cook the most amazing biscuits for breakfast every morning.
The guy loved these biscuits so much that he would eat five or six every morning, and he even extended his stay at the bed-and-breakfast just so he could eat more of these amazing biscuits.
Finally, after a few weeks he decided to ask her, “Ma’am, these are the most amazing biscuits I have ever eaten in my life. How do you make them taste so good?”
The little old lady smiled and said, “It’s nothing really. All I do is mix about 2 cups of flour with one teaspoon of sugar, one tablespoon of baking powder, and three mouthfuls of buttermilk.”
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A man has been drinking alone in a pub all day and checks his watch.
“1:30 a.m.! I need to get home now or my wife will rip my balls off,” he tells himself. But as he tries to stand, he stumbles to the floor.
“I’m just way too drunk right now, and I need to sober up.”
So he asks the bartender for a coffee, drinks it, and 30 minutes later tries to stand up, but falls to the floor again, this time harder.
At this time, he understands he has no choice but to return home, so he begins crawling toward his house.
He arrives after 40 minutes, lays down next to his (asleep) wife, and passes out.
The next morning, his wife wakes him up and asks, “So... how was last night, huh?” Was it fun to drink all day?”
The man is certain his wife was asleep when he arrived home, so he plays it cool, “Not really, just hanging out with some coworkers.We didn’t drink much, just a couple of beers.”
The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, “The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, you idiot.”
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Your mama’s so short you can make a life-size sculpture of her using one can of Play-Doh.
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I looked at the bottom of a tuna tin and it said “Best Before Date”.
I thought, “No, it isn’t.”
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Did you hear about the flat Earth conspiracy?
It’s spreading around the globe.
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Why does Australia have so many customer service representatives?
Because they offer koalaity service.
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What excuse did the bowler give when he was accused of stealing?
“I was framed!”
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What’s a terrorist’s favorite day in November?
Bomb fire night.
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the corn flakes back in the box.’
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If you were to clean a vacuum, would you be a vacuum cleaner?
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Yo mama so vegan and fat she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.
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What is a pirate’s least favorite workout?
Planks. His favorite is chest day.
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A man rushed to dial 911 one evening when his wife displayed early signs of a stroke.
“Don’t worry, sir,” reassured the dispatcher. “Emergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive.”
“How long will the ambulance be?” the man asked.
“About eighteen feet,” replied the dispatcher.
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Yo daddy is so dumb he got hit by a parked car.
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Why are people from New York always depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.
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I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up...
If they pulled up both legs, they would fall over.
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How do you make Uranus laugh?
Just give it some gas!
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