Haven’t you heard? All good things come in small packages.
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What do my ex-wife and the economy have in common?
Inflation over time.
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Why do women talk less in February?
Cause there are only 28 days.
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Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor?
Everybody.
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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, geez, I had to call the doctor.”
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Why do blueberries get along with everyone?
They’re naturally blue-tiful.
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Yo moma is so fat Luke Skywalker that yo moma was the Death Star.
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What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
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What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
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Why did the red panda bring a ladder?
It wanted to reach new heights-bear.
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I’m a clown... and everyone nose.
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A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
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Why did the orthopedic surgeon bring a radio into surgery?
Because he wanted to tune into the hip-est station.
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What is great in the US but awful in the UK?
Losing pounds.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Orange.”
“Orange, who?”
“Orange you going to open your birthday presents?”
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Dating me is like owning a parrot that only says “I’m tired”.
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Make sure to always be careful when eating mushrooms.
If you eat the wrong one you could be in truffle.
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My dad always said there are two ways you know that you’re getting old.
The first is that you start to forget things. I can never remember the second one.
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When Uranus threw a party, everyone was over the moon!
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lettuce.”
“Lettuce, who?”
“Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”
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