What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?
A Volt-demort.
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How do bad guys in Marios Bros. surf the internet?
With web Bowsers.
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The reason that no one has returned to the moon for so long is that every time someone tries to book a hotel there, itβs full...
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Some wise guys show a civil engineer an 8 ounce glass with 4 ounces of water in it.
They ask him the age old question, βIs the glass half empty or half full?β
The civil engineer responds, βThe glass is twice as big as it needs to be.β
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If Shrek had been an average movie, it wouldβve been...
Mediogre.
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A guy walks into a pharmacy: βI have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like Iβm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?β
Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!
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I get so nervous during earthquakes.
That I start shaking uncontrollably.
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What squirms and howls at the Harvest Moon?
Wereworms.
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Your mama so hot her hugs give third-degree burns.
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Where do you smart hot dogs go?
On the honor role.
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You know youβre going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.
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What do you call a Muslim crocodile?
An Allahgator.
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What is going through a mothβs mind when it flies into a car windshield?
Its abdomen.
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An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed in the opposite direction.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, βMan, I am really lucky to be alive!β
Likewise, the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, βI canβt believe I survived this wreck!β
The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, βHey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.β
The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, βYou know, youβre absolutely right! We should be friends. Now Iβm gonna see what else survived this wreck.β
So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.
He says to the Marine, βI think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.β
The Marine replies, βYouβre damn right!β and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap, and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, βYour turn!β
The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine, and says, βNahh, I think Iβll wait for the cops to show up.β
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2 hockey players were fighting on the rink.
Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right-handed to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice.
A player on the bench says, βAt least he got ice on it right away.β
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What is the definition of a farmer?
Someone is good in their field.
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Itβs easy to spot a sad flamingo.
They get really blue.
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New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.
The manager told him, βLook, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:
If they say how much are the mangoes, you say β$5 a kiloβ.
If they ask if theyβre ripe, you say βSome are, some arenβtβ.
If they say they donβt want to buy, you shrug and say βIf you donβt, someone else willβ.β
After many attempts using hand gestures, he is satisfied that Con gets it. So he leaves Con alone to see how he goes on his first day.
The first customer comes in and asks how much the mangoes are.
He says, βFive-a dolla per-a kilo.β
The guy asks if they are ripe.
He says, βSumma dey are, Summa dey arenβt.β
He says maybe next time.
So Con shrugs and tells him, as instructed, βIf you-a donβt, summabody else will.β
The guy shakes his head and leaves.
Later, another customer comes in.
He asks Con for the time.
Con replies, βFive-a dolla per-a kilo.β
The guy looks very confused, stares at Con for a few seconds, and then asks him, βIs your whole family crazy like you are?β
Con shakes his head and replies, βSumma dey are, Summa dey arenβt.β
The guy is getting pretty angry by now, thinking Con is playing with him.
The guy says, βSo, do you want me to punch you in the face right now?!β
Con shrugs again and says, βIf you-a donβt, summabody else will.β
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Did you know George III never even bothered to leave his couch during the American Revolution?
He was sofa king comfortable.
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What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
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