Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted, “YOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY!”
I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley.
😄 😄 😄
Employee: “Your careers page says the company offers a competitive salary. What does that mean exactly?”
HR: “That means your salary will be competing with your bills.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
The Anti-crust.
😄 😄 😄
What does CHEVY stand for?
Cheapest Heap Ever Viewed Yet.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the fungi leave the party?
There wasn’t mush-room for dancing.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris counted to infinity.
Twice.
😄 😄 😄
What are the sun’s favorite chocolate bars?
A Milky Way.
😄 😄 😄
A gnome walks into a bar and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other.
After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night.
The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home.
He turns to the bartender and says, “Sorry, I’m a little short.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue crayon say to the green crayon?
“You’re green-crayon me!”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
😄 😄 😄
“There’s something wrong with this dictionary.”
“What is it?”
“They spelled ‘love’ wrong. It should be L-U-V, because I know I can’t spell love without U!”
😄 😄 😄
Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.
The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”
Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.
“FATHER!” he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”
😄 😄 😄
My wife said, “If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds.”
I figured why wait, so surprised her that night... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
😄 😄 😄
My crush told me that I’m pretty.
Well, the whole sentence was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I focus only on the positive things.
😄 😄 😄
Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?
They make it their business to create a lot of issues.
😄 😄 😄
Blue jeans are immortal.
They never die, they just fade away.
😄 😄 😄
How many Mcdonald’s workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they can’t climb the ladder.
😄 😄 😄
How many nuns are there in a temple?
Nun.
😄 😄 😄
Mooning is very ASStrological.
😄 😄 😄
What did the fungi say when he was offered seconds at dinner?
“No thanks. I don’t have mush-room left in my stomach.”
😄 😄 😄
