I never knew what happiness was until I got married.
And then it was too late.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Turnip.”
“Turnip, who?”
“Turnip the radio, please!”
😄 😄 😄
You are so short that you can do push-ups underneath a closed door.
😄 😄 😄
Are you an electrician?
Because you’re definitely lighting up my night!
😄 😄 😄
Make sure to always be careful when eating mushrooms.
If you eat the wrong one you could be in truffle.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
😄 😄 😄
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the green bean ashamed?
It saw the cranberry dressing.
😄 😄 😄
The universe expands because everything is trying to get as far away from Chuck Norris as possible.
😄 😄 😄
A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked him to death.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line!”
😄 😄 😄
A man shoots another man five times but insists to law enforcement that it was an accident.
“How can you shoot someone five times by accident?” the officer asked.
“Well, I was aiming for the man beside him, but I have a lazy eye,” the man said.
😄 😄 😄
High five! Oops... I guess you’re now stuck with me.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t circus lions eat the clowns?
Because they taste funny.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hard Drive.”
“Hard Drive, who?”
“I had a hard drive, let me in so I can relax.”
😄 😄 😄
I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the freeway. Twice.
Should I report the vehicle as stolen?
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Bacon.”
“Bacon, who?”
“Bacon me crazy waiting for breakfast!”
😄 😄 😄
Hotel receptionists always seem to be such massive perverts.
They spend all day checking people out.
😄 😄 😄
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink?
Sets on the Beach.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Taylor Swift bring a broken leg to her concert?
Because it wanted to experience firsthand the “break-up” songs she’s famous for.
😄 😄 😄
