Best Jokes (4)



How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day?

92,955,807 miles (to the sun).

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Teacher: β€œWhich book has helped you the most in your life?”

Student: β€œMy father’s checkbook.”

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I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet.

After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff.

But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.

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The reason that no one has returned to the moon for so long is that every time someone tries to book a hotel there, it’s full...

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Why can’t astronauts eat popsicles?

In space, no one can hear the ice cream truck.

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Which vegetable betrayed Jesus?

Judas Is-carrot.

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What’s the best thing about having a big nose?

You’re the first to know when dinner’s ready!

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Did you hear about the Pinterest user who tried to cook a recipe they found on the site?

Let’s just say they added a new pin to their recipe board β€œOrder Takeout!”.

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Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?

It helps with division.

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My apologies for waking you up too early.

I thought you were dead!

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Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.

He’s over the moon!

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What is the name of Dr. Strange’s cousin who can’t do magic?

Doctor Normal.

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Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafΓ©.

Heather says, β€œI got my ultrasound done yesterday. I’m pregnant with triplets!”

β€œI got mine done yesterday too,” says Linda. β€œI’m pregnant with septuplets!”

β€œI think I’ll get my ultrasound done next week,” says Martha.

The three women chat some more.

Finally, Heather says, β€œI got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was β€˜The Three Little Pigs’.”

β€œI got Disney+ last month too,” says Linda. β€œThe first movie I watched on it was β€˜Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’.” When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.

β€œIt’s okay if you don’t have Disney+,” says Heather.

β€œI do have it,” says Martha. β€œIt’s just that the first movie I watched on it was β€˜101 Dalmatians’.”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œA loan.”

β€œA loan, who?”

β€œI can’t wait to get you a loan.”

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My girlfriend left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants.

Turns out she was only with me for my mussels.

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What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?

Hogs and kisses.

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When Chuck Norris was a kid, he entered a pool bombing competition.

This place now widely known as the Niagara Falls.

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Good morning, workmate!

Being around you has inspired me... to quit as well as locate a new work!

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Why do blueberries get along with everyone?

They’re naturally blue-tiful.

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Knick-knack paddywhack, guess what that old man gave his dog?

A bone.

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