Why did the Liverpool fan always help his wife with Chinese cooking?
So sheβd never wok alone.
π π π
Iβm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
π π π
Which day is the worst to propose on?
April Foolsβ Day.
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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
π π π
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk fall out of a plane.
The Buddhist monk says, βIt will be okay, for we shall all be reincarnated.β
The priest says, βIt will be okay, for we shall all meet in Heaven.β
The rabbi says, βAm I the only one who remembered we were going skydiving today?β
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Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkeyβheβs always stuffed.
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Yo mama so fat Darth Vader couldnβt even force choke her.
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A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.
βBe sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,β the pharmacist says. βDonβt worry,β replies the patient. βIt takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.β
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People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs.
Thatβs nonsenseβwhat about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?
π π π
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts.
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Did you hear about the Pinterest user who tried to cook a recipe they found on the site?
Letβs just say they added a new pin to their recipe board βOrder Takeout!β.
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If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age.
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I canβt read anything.
π π π
Iβm all for three things:
Maintaining parallel structure, always using the Oxford comma and hypocrisy.
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What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
π π π
Dispatcher: β911, what is your emergency?β
Caller: βYeah, Iβm having trouble breathing. Iβm all out of breath. Darn... I think Iβm going to pass out.β
Dispatcher: βSir, where are you calling from?β
Caller: βIβm at a pay phone. North and Foster.β
Dispatcher: βSir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?β
Caller: βNo.β
Dispatcher: βWhat were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?β
Caller: βRunning from the police.β
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The doctorβs office blocked my number after I kept calling about PokΓ©mon.
I donβt know what the hell theyβre talking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.
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What do you call a guy whoβs laying down in front of a door?
Matt.
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Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.
He comes upon a question:
What separates the head from the body?
Ahmed answers:
The axe.
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What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
π π π