An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
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Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless.
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In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place?
Extra terrestrials.
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YouTube disabled the dislike counter.
I would say that everyone disliked that, but I honestly can’t tell.
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What is a math teacher’s favorite tree?
Geometry.
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Yo mama’s so fat that she caused Kamino to flood when her water broke.
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A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.
So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.
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Every year, after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits.
I can do it because I have lots of cold turkey.
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TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.
I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
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What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
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Whats the difference between a diamond player and a master player in League of Legends?
About 1400 dollars.
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Teacher: “Which is the best hand to use when writing something, the left hand or the right hand?”
Pupil: “None of them. It’s better to use a pen or pencil.”
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Yo mama’s so hairy that when she was born she looked like Chewbacca!
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What’s faster: lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
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Chuck Norris can one hit kill a creeper in Minecraft... with a stick.
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You know you’re 50 when your face has more wrinkles than an elephant’s backside.
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
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Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons.
Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.
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What’s Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?
“Stairway to Heaven.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Banana.”
“Banana, who?”
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Banana.”
“Banana, who?”
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Orange.”
“Orange, who?”
“Orange you glad I didn’t say banana!”
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