What can a whole pizza do that a half pizza cannot do?
A whole one can look round.
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Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves.
The IRS office is of the same opinion.
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An Australian aborigine owns a boomerang that will not return to him no matter how many times he throws it.
Frustrated, he seeks assistance from the witch doctor.
When the witch doctor asks where he obtained the boomerang, the aborigine says it was from a souvenir shop on Ayer’s Rock.
The witch doctor says, “You bloody fool, didn’t you see the sign by the cash register that says ‘NO RETURNS’.”
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I asked my German friend how many planets are in our Solar System.
Surprisingly he said, “Nine.”
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What kind of sandwiches do whales eat?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
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My wife makes my pancakes too thin.
Tomorrow morning, I am telling her I am sick of her crêpe.
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What do you call a Portuguese person all by themself?
A Portugoose.
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Your mama so dumb she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
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A boxer was throwing nothing but right hooks at a punching bag.
His trainer walked up and asked, “What gives?”
The boxer replied, “I’m exercising my rights.”
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What do you get if you cross an ex-Popstar with an extra-terrestrial?
Kym Martian.
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What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?
The dentist.
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People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris.
Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
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People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
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What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
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She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
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Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD and now it’s fine.
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What would donuts’ favorite drink be?
The hole-y water.
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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.
It’s now called Red Bull.
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Your mama so short she has to slam dunk her bus fare.
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I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.
And this is why we need the Oxford comma.
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