Mortal: “What is a million years like to you?”
God: “Like one second.”
Mortal: “What is a million pounds like to you?”
God: “Like one penny.”
Mortal: “Can I have a penny?”
God: “Just a second...”
😄 😄 😄
What time did Goofy have a dentist appointment?
Tooth Hurty.
😄 😄 😄
All the physicists meet up in heaven and decide to play a game of hide and seek.
They decide that Fermi will be the seeker, so he closes his eyes and begins counting to 100.
All the physicists scatter, except for Newton, who calmly reaches into his pocket, takes out some chalk, and draws a square one meter on a side.
Fermi finishes counting and turns around, seeing Newton standing in his chalk square he yells, “I found Newton. Newton is out!”
Newton protests, “No, I’m Newton in a meter square—I’m Pascal. Pascal is out!”
😄 😄 😄
I quickly learned that the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk.
Is one of them attends meetings.
😄 😄 😄
If you add the two numbers in your chronological age, you get your true age.
So you’re 5 now, and you can’t really argue the similarities. Five-year-olds have a tough time tying their shoes, can barely spell their own name, and need help reading!
😄 😄 😄
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.
Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
😄 😄 😄
An Australian guy was playing Mama Mia on his didgeridoo.
I thought, that’s aboriginal.
😄 😄 😄
A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
😄 😄 😄
What would you call Israel if it disappeared away?
Wasreal.
😄 😄 😄
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy.
After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him.
After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they throw him a party and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”
“My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”
To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”
“How come you’ve never spoken before?” asks his father.
“Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
😄 😄 😄
Please, donut break my heart.
😄 😄 😄
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite subject?
Gas-tronomy.
😄 😄 😄
It’s always difficult texting someone to tell them a loved one has passed away.
Especially when your name is Lol.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a Tyrannosaurus rex with explosives?
Dino-mite.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve studied Basic Human Anatomy so much.
I know it like the back of my hand.
😄 😄 😄
I’m not Superman, I’m not Batman, I’m not Spider-Man...
But I’m your Man.
😄 😄 😄
What do Arsenal and a shampoo bottle have in common?
Both struggle with “no more tears”.
😄 😄 😄
What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?
A big mac.
😄 😄 😄
Why does it take 100 mink to make a fur coat?
Because they are lazy and have small hands.
😄 😄 😄
