Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?
Because he was a German shepherd.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“The Headless Horseman.”
“The Headless Horseman, who?”
“The Headless Horseman who’s coming for your head!”
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Why couldn’t the joker enter the shop?
Because there was a board outside stating “No funny business”.
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“Do you know who is coming to our party later on?”
“Yeah, Dee is.”
“Dee, who?”
“DEEZ NUTS!“
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When a white person delivers an Asian baby.
White person: “Congratulations, he looks like your husband... mom... cousin... uncle... neighbor...”
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What do clams do on a summer vacation?
They shell-ebrate.
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Yo mama so vegan and fat she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.
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Who is the most non-acidic baseball player ever?
Al-Kaline.
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Why did the man help his friends trim their facial hair?
Shearing is caring.
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On what day of the week, do monsters eat people?
Chewsday.
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
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Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
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Chuck Norris is the reason terrorists hide in caves.
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I asked my German friend how many planets are in our Solar System.
Surprisingly he said, “Nine.”
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The center of a donut is 100% fat-free.
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I went on a date with a dentist last night.
At the end of the date, she said she’d had a great time and she’d like to see me again in 6 month’s time.
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What kind of pets does a band have?
Trum-pets.
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Let me tell you how I became a millionaire.
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.
Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.
With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1 dollar each and again sold them for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on.
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
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Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert.
I thought they’d be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...
That in-prison mint isn’t as bad as I expected!
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To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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