What’s Thanksgiving?
Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Twisted Fate an illegal immigrant?
Because he doesn’t have a green card.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into the doctor’s office.
A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.
The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
😄 😄 😄
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so dumb she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
😄 😄 😄
My kids are buying me gifts for Father’s Day.
I hope I can afford it.
😄 😄 😄
I don’t put ketchup and mustard on my hot dog, I relish it.
😄 😄 😄
The tree hated losing its foliage in September.
When it grew back in March, he was so re-lieved.
😄 😄 😄
What do single people call Valentine’s Day?
Happy Independence Day.
😄 😄 😄
I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
😄 😄 😄
I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.
I guess there is life on Mars after all.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man came all the way down here to tell me I dropped his phone number.
😄 😄 😄
What does a coder do when he’s tired of life?
He writes byebyeworld.c.
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.”
No one stands up.
Teacher: “Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb.” Waves her finger around the left side of the room.
Little Johnny stands up.
Teacher: “Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?”
Little Johnny: “No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the alien go off in his ship?
He needed some space
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
😄 😄 😄
A magician gets himself a parrot for his act.
After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows, saying things like “it’s under his hat”, “it’s up his sleeve”, “his assistant has it”.
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks.
The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end.
The parrot and the magician spend two days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, “Alright, I give up. Where’s the boat?”
😄 😄 😄
The boss said I should go home because I really don’t look good.
I don’t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Mallard fail as a comic?
His humor was too fowl.
😄 😄 😄
