Do you come from a family of math nerds?
If you do, then you have square roots!
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You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
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Guess what horses, donkeys, cows, goats, and sheep all have in common?
They’re all very stable animals.
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A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.
The owner asks, “Which type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?”
The man replies, “The one in the freezer, I’m pretty sure it’s warmer in there.”
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What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator.
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I took a class on Narcissism.
I’m pretty sure I blew everyone away.
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What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?
Band aides.
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I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.
It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper...
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CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!
I love the stuff. My only complaint is that it had a real e-lawn musk smell to it.
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Yo momma’s so fat she uses Kamonians as toothpicks.
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I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest as a hot dog.
I’m on a roll.
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Chuck Norris can play volleyball with a bowlingball.
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The only clan thing you find in a well cleaned big nose is fingerprints.
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What side of an Ewok has the most hair?
The outside.
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After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.
I think, “If I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”
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If two avocado are “avocados”.
Then shouldn’t three avocado be “avocatres”, and four be “avoquatro”, and five be “avocinco”?
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Why is the moon so grumpy?
It’s just going through one of its phases.
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On 4 July, what do you get when you put a photo of America in a locket?
Then it becomes in-da-pendant.
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What did the blue crayon say to the yellow crayon?
“This isn’t cray-on you.”
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Yo hairline is so bad when you look in the mirror yo hairline looks like an endangered specie.
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