What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?
It runs in your genes.
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Why did the man help his friends trim their facial hair?
Shearing is caring.
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What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?
A spores car!
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite exercise?
Spin class.
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My favorite geology professor died today.
My sediments are with his family.
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Two flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other, “You’d better pick up your game, Louie, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.”
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Would evil alternate-universe Spider-Man be a bad parallel parker?
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A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.
A little boy playing in front of his house saw him and called, “What’ve you got in your truck?”
“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.
“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.
“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours!”
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What color are military submarines?
Deep navy.
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I like to wrap myself in a blanket when I work from home.
You could say I now work undercover.
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Helen Keller published 12 books. Her autobiography is particularly inspiring and gives you a new perspective about this world.
The audiobook is absolutely unintelligible though.
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My girlfriend left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants.
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels.
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Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better.
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I tried to start an online bakery.
But I accidentally deleted all of my cookies.
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What did Mario say when he saw the Alpaca?
Don’t-a worry it’s a false-a llama!
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Good morning, workmate!
Being around you has inspired me... to quit as well as locate a new work!
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How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?
Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.
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I went to watch Spider-Man playing baseball.
He was great at catching flies.
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Yo mamma’s so fat I saw her using a Star Destroyer as an ironing board.
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Where does a kangaroo go that can’t hop?
Hopspital.
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