What do aliens like to eat?
Unidentified frying objects!
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A famous tortoise lives next door. Guess what itβs called?
A shell-ebrity.
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A couple goes to the cinema.
βTwo tickets, please,β says the man.
βHobbit?β asks the cashier lady.
βNo, thatβs my wife.β
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How do gingers like their gossip?
Spicy.
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Student: βCan I go to the bathroom?β
Teacher: βItβs may.β
Student: βNo, itβs January.β
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Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled βThe Milky Bars are on me!β, people just cheered.
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Me: βIβm not able to stop making jokes.β
Doctor: βYou canβt be serious.β
Me: βThatβs right.β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βOtto.β
βOtto, who?β
βYou otto know April Foolsβ is on April 1.β
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I started growing fungi in my garden, but failed miserably.
I guess there is mush-room for improvement.
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The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
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What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-a.
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Why did Dracula become a vegetarian?
Because his doctor said steaks were bad for his heart.
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If God really made everythingβ¦
Heβs Chinese, right?
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Iβve just finished writing a book on snakes.
It would have been much easier if Iβd just written in on paper...
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Sorry I didnβt respond to your email in a timely fashion.
I literally cannot tell days apart anymore and thought today was two weeks ago.
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How did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
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A trucker stops for a red light one day and notices a blonde in the car behind.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and the blonde says to him, βHi, my nameβs Julie, and I thought you should know youβre losing some of your load.β
The trucker just ignores her, raises the window, and proceeds down the street as the light changes.
A short while later he has to stop for another red light. The blonde in the car is still behind him.
Again, she jumps out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if theyβve never spoken before, the blonde says brightly, βHi, my nameβs Julie, and I thought you should know youβre losing some of your load!β
The trucker shakes his head but apart from this, he ignores her again. He raises the window and drives on as the red light changes.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
At the fourth red light, the trucker jumps out of his truck and runs back to the blondeβs car. He knocks on the window and she lowers it.
The trucker says, βHi, my nameβs Steve, itβs winter in Canada, and Iβm driving the salt truck!β
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A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, βWho is mightiest of all jungle animals?β
The trembling monkey says, βYou are, mighty lion!β
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, βWho is the mightiest of all jungle animals?β
The terrified ox stammers, βOh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!β
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, βWho is mightiest of all jungle animals?β
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like itβd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, βJust because you donβt know the answer, you donβt have to get so upset about it!β
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What do ghosts use to do their makeup?
Vanishing cream.
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What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
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