Best Jokes (4)



The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, β€œYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, β€œI’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”

But the Pope persists, β€œPlease?”

The driver finally lets up, β€œOh, alright, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: β€œChief, I have a problem.”

Chief: β€œWhat sort of problem?”

Cop: β€œWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it’s someone really important.”

Chief: β€œImportant like the mayor?”

Cop: β€œNo, no, much more important than that.”

Chief: β€œImportant like the governor?”

Cop: β€œWay more important than that.”

Chief: β€œLike the president?”

Cop: β€œMuch more important.”

Chief: β€œWho’s more important than the president?”

Cop: β€œI don’t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”

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Yo momma’s so fat she uses Kamonians as toothpicks.

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Boomer to a Millennial: β€œNothing in life is free.”

Also boomer to a Millennial: β€œThe job doesn’t pay money, but it pays you in experience.”

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Your nose was on time, but you must have been a few minutes late.

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My father asked me how my last hike went.

I told him, β€œIt had its ups and downs.”

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Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says, β€œI tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”

Murphy asks, β€œAve yer got vertigo?”

Paddy replies, β€œNo, I only live round the corner.”

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I bought a life-size 3D model of plankton from SpongeBob.

4 days later I got an empty box full of bubble wrap.

I still don’t know where plankton is.

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Why do people ignore filled donuts?

Because they are just full of themselves.

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What do they have for breakfast in earthquake zones?

Panquakes.

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What do a fine wine and Chelsea F.C. have in common?

They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.

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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Take away its chair.

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Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

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What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps.

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My kids are the sunshine of my life.

Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.

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I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday.

I couldn’t see any.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œNot as old as.”

β€œNot as old as, who?”

β€œStill not as old as you!”

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Flight attendant: β€œDo we have a doctor on board?”

Me: β€œI have a PhD in mathematics.”

Flight attendant: β€œOne passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack.”

Me (nodding): β€œThat makes two.”

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No need to Apollo-gize, I know you didn’t moon what you said!

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If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, even Google won’t be able to find you.

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What is Tiger Woods’ spirit animal?

I don’t know, but his wife said he was a cheetah.

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