What did people say when the headless horseman started dating a zombie?
He’s lost his head!
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Husband: “What’s your most hated part of the English language?”
Wife: “The singular second person personal pronoun.”
Husband: “What?”
Wife: “YOU.”
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Yo momma’s so fat Yoda couldn’t use the Force to move her.
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Why did the Java developer quit his job?
Because he didn’t get arrays.
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A person at the store asked me if doughnuts are healthy.
I don’t know, but I never met a sick one in my entire life.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Clover.”
“Clover, who?”
“Clover here and I’ll tell you.”
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What is CHEVROLET an acronym for?
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques.
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Good morning, sweetie!
When I get up, my initial idea is of just how you feel, after that, I obtain you a cup of coffee, placed it down, as well as back away, gradually...
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Which store you shouldn’t enter on Friday the 13th?
The ghost-ery store.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hosanna.”
“Hosanna, who?”
“Hosanna gonna fit down the chimney on Christmas Eve?”
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A woman walks into the Social Worker’s office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW!” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they’re all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one he is Terry, also.”
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker, “I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell “Terry!”, and when it’s time for dinner, I just yell “Terry!”, and they all come running.
And if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.”
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”
“I call them by their surnames.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Aida.”
“Aida, who?”
“Aida big breakfast and now I'm stuffed.”
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Yo mama so poor when I stepped on a cigarette to put it out she said “Hey, who turned off the heat?”
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What was the full name of Eddie Murphy’s character in Shrek?
Donkey Ho-tay!
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What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend?
A PayDay.
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What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson.
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A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions.
So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd.
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A man ordered for a voice-automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car, “Car, go and bring my children from school.”
The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.
As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said, “These are your children, sir.”
In the car were their landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress’s two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son, and their neighbor’s two sons.
The wife said angrily, “I demand to know if these are all your children?!”
The man asked her calmly, “Just as soon as you tell me why our children aren’t in the car.”
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The United States Marine Corps was started in Tun Tavern in Philadelphia in 1775. A poster was put up looking for men to volunteer.
The first man walked in, gave his name, and took an oath. He was instructed to go wait out back until more recruits joined him.
He sat out back for a few minutes, and soon another young man came out and joined him.
The newcomer said to the first guy, “Well, I guess we’re in the Marine Corps now!”
The first guy said, “Son, lemme tell you about the old Corps.”
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Did you hear about the hot dog stand on the moon?
The hot dogs were out of this world, but there was absolutely no atmosphere.
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