What does the gym instructor say after having loads of desserts?
“I donut care anymore.”
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How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
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What sort of racehorses come out after dark?
Night-mares.
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Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.
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I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.
It’s just really hard to find thirty-two of them willing to do it.
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Where does a majority of a hockey player’s salary come from?
The tooth fairy.
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What do nuclear plants serve their workers for the Labor Day party?
Fission Chips.
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Why does Spider-Man hate driving with his evil twin?
Because he’s a bad parallel Parker.
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What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
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Where do fish sleep in the summer?
On the seabed.
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What did the grape say when the peanut butter tried to stick to it?
“Stop jammin me!”
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The peach couple is in love.
They seem to be born for peach other.
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Chuck Norris filmed the invention of a camera.
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A few guys in Spider-Man costumes walked into a bar.
Apparently, they were web designers!
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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What is a sailor’s least favorite vegetable?
Leeks.
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An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
The aliens are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub.
He sees a nearby alien and asks, “Where’s the pub?”
The alien gurgles back, but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, “Just around the corner.”
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it.
It’s labeled “The Keyboard” and he asks the bouncer, “Why is it called the Keyboard?”
The bouncer replies, “The boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he’s the bartender.”
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
“Excuse me, do you own this pub?” the astronaut says.
“I do,” the bartender gurgles back.
“Why is it called the Keyboard?” the man asks.
“Well,” the alien gurgles in reply, “since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name...”
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat.
“...The reason it’s called the Keyboard is because it’s a space bar.”
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What did the grouchy moon say?
Just get outer my space!
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The moon seems to be going through another phase, should we get outer its space?
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Otters have a seafood diet: clams, crabs, mussels, you name it.
Basically, they see food, they eat it.
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