Why is the sun not very heavy to carry?
Because it is really very light.
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Your momma’s so short she can bungee-jump off a curb!
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Why are cooks funny?
They can crack yolks.
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How is a dyslexic cow like a Buddhist monk?
Both say “ommmmmmmmm.”
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How do dogs make sandwiches?
With purebred.
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Did you hear about the American Indian who died from drinking too much tea?
He drowned in his own tepee.
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What did the nervous spider say to the audience?
“Forgive me, guys, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.”
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A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia.
The librarian says, “They’re right behind you!”
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“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
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What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
“Dear me, it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantity to impair my speech.”
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Why did the owl ’owl?
Because the woodpecker would peck ’er.
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What do you call someone who’s really into stationary biking?
A cyclepath.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Avery.”
“Avery, who?”
“Avery Merry Christmas to you!”
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What’s a hipster’s favorite type of surgery?
A hip replacement.
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A woman asks a waiter, “What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!”
The waiter says, “Shivering, madam.”
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
You look like a donkey, and smell like one too.
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I don’t put ketchup and mustard on my hot dog, I relish it.
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You can’t lose weight by talking about it.
You need to keep your mouth shut.
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I don’t hate leg day.
It’s the two days after I can’t stand.
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Why is it that Uranus smells distinctly like farts?
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