Three kids one day found a magical slide.
There was a sign next to it saying “whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down”.
One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.
The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”
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What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
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Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to see how long he slept!
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It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.
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Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.
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When the blueberry made a mistake, it had to blue-pologize.
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My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.
It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
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How do you make a pool table laugh?
Tickle its balls.
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What does space smell like?
Uranus!
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Why do cab drivers make good paid search advertisers?
They can really drive in traffic.
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Watching the first presidential debate was like watching two people who shouldn’t play with legos argue.
One acted like he was under 4 years old and the other acted like he was over 99.
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Yo mama so stupid Jar Jar questioned her existence!
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What happened when the man went to the acupuncturist?
When he got home, his voodoo doll was dead.
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Zoom meetings is a stupid name, and it’s branded.
We should call it a bit more casual like “coworker video chat” or something shorter, like “co-vid”.
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Apparently, describing the beautiful city of Hiroshima as “The bomb” is not okay.
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Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.
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There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, “What’s your secret?” The guy whispers, “All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants.”
In a flourish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants.
But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror.
Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and desperately asks, “Why are all the girls running away from me?”
The first guy looks up and replies, “The pickle’s on the wrong side.”
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Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
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What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Paddy O’furniture.
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What does the light bulb say when it’s being unscrewed?
“I’m feeling delighted...”
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