It’s so hot out that I walked through a car wash to remember what rain felt like.
😄 😄 😄
Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?
A “B”.
😄 😄 😄
There is a beaver in our local zoo who is quite the celebrity. His name is Clint.
Clint EatsWood.
😄 😄 😄
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they’re already stuffed.
😄 😄 😄
Which one of Santa’s helpers visits mermaids?
The Elf on the Shelfish.
😄 😄 😄
How do you keep a violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
😄 😄 😄
A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she won’t admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.
While she’s standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, dear?”
When there’s no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.
Again there’s no response, so he moves right to his wife’s shoulder and asks, “What’s for dinner, dear?”
At this, his wife turns around angrily and says, “For the third time, sausages!”
😄 😄 😄
Once there was a bartender who claimed he was the strongest man on earth, he could squeeze every drop of juice out of a lemon and he bet $10,000 that no one could squeeze anymore out of a lemon he has squeezed.
People came in from all over the country: bodybuilders, weightlifters, wrestlers, or anyone who wanted to try. But no one could squeeze anymore juice out of the lemons.
Then one day a little nerdy looking guy walks in and everyone laughs at him when they hear he is there to try to squeeze a lemon.
So the bartender squeezes a lemon into a cup and hands him what is left over.
Then the guy squeezes out 6 more drops of juice, and everyone is amazed!
“What do you do for a living?” they would ask, “Are you a weight lifter, a bodybuilder?”
“No,” he replied, “I work for the IRS.”
😄 😄 😄
A soapbox orator addresses a crowd on the glories of communism, “Come the revolution, everyone will eat strawberries and cream!”
A man at the front whimpers, “But I don’t like strawberries and cream...”
The speaker thunders, “Come the revolution, you will like strawberries and cream!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever!
😄 😄 😄
Are you trying to moon-ipulate me?
😄 😄 😄
Why did the volleyball player bring an extra pair of shoelaces?
Because she wanted to tie the score.
😄 😄 😄
Did you know that Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift’s relationship is over after just three months because he wanted it to be more public?
Guess she wanted it to be more Loki.
😄 😄 😄
How did Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?
They can’t handle stares.
😄 😄 😄
My Millennial son called me for the first time in a year and a half.
I changed the Netflix password.
😄 😄 😄
Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realized my entire life is a joke...
😄 😄 😄
What kind of shoes do artists wear?
Sketchers.
😄 😄 😄
I knew a drummer who became a policeman years ago.
He’s still pounding the beat.
😄 😄 😄
Girlfriend: “Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
Boyfriend: “Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”
😄 😄 😄
