What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
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What do you call a red-haired baker?
The ginger bread man.
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A cookie a day keeps the sadness away.
An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
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My pet turtle died.
I’m not upset—just shell-shocked.
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Yo momma is so dumb she makes Gungans look smart.
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Is your dad an alien because you’re out of this world?
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I was just on a Zoom call that ended automatically after 40 minutes because the organizer was on a free tier.
This is the single greatest advance to meeting productivity that I’ve ever seen.
Would pay extra for this feature!
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You’re so scary that even your hairline ran a way.
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A Redskins fan, an Eagles fan, a Cowboys fan, and a Giants fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Redskins fan insists he is the most loyal.
“This is for the Redskins!” he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, “This is for the Eagles!” and throws himself off the mountain.
The Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team.
He yells, “This is for everyone!” and pushes the Cowboys fan off the mountain.
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My wife said she would divorce me if I kept quoting Star Trek.
So I said, “Number Two, make it so!”
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Three men are working on a building site.
Everyday, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.
The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.
“By god,” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and everyday, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself.”
The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.
“Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Everyday, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself.”
The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.
“I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself.”
The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.
The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.
At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.
“If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches,” says the first man’s wife, “I always thought he was being ironic!”
“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches,” says the second man’s wife, “I always thought he was being sarcastic!”
“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches,” says the third man’s wife, “but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!”
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How do you make a Pinterest user laugh?
Show them a pin-teresting joke.
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What is the best time of day to play Super Mario?
The Wii hours of the morning.
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Me and my childhood crush are getting married next week.
Me on Wednesday and she on Saturday.
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What do you call pandas on April 1st?
Bamboo-zler!
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Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?
He wanted an off-ice job.
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A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.
“Sure,” the airline agent said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”
She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was perplexed.
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
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Why doesn’t summer have any friends?
Because it’s not cool enough.
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A Native American hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.
As they were driving along, the Native American noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents.
The city man replied, “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife.”
The Native American looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said, “Good trade.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ivana.”
“Ivana, who?”
“Ivana piece of your birthday cake.”
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