What do you call a hammer bought on April 1st?
April tool.
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Friend 1: “Hey, I once went out on a super hot date!”
Friend 2: “Oh, really?”
Friend 1: “Absolutely! It was the month of August and a whopping 100 degrees outside.”
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A mother sends her son to the well to fetch water.
When the boy comes back without water, he explains that there was an alligator in the well.
“Don’t worry,” says the mother. “The alligator is just as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Mom,” says the boy, “if the alligator is as scared of me as I am of him, we shouldn’t be drinking that water.”
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The universe expands because everything is trying to get as far away from Chuck Norris as possible.
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The taller you are, the harder you’ll fall.
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Guess what the name of my new computer processor is?
Chip.
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Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
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I wasn’t staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.
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I got caught smuggling insects I was anxious.
My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.
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To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hot dogs and my favorite candy.
You can’t do that these days...
Too many damned security cameras.
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“Do you know the difference between a fly and an elephant?”
“No.”
“Wow! You’d better see somebody then.”
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What’s one thing that you’ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
You’ll both be filled with stuffing.
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Why didn’t the polite coder get hired?
The job required SASS.
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A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.
“Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,” the pharmacist says. “Don’t worry,” replies the patient. “It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.”
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Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one.
And the other two escaped with minor injuries.
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Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, it’s going to end in a mess.
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I didn’t always like mushrooms, but they’ve finally started to grow on me.
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A monocle walks into a bar.
After a few drinks, he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him.
“Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don’t allow smoking in here. You’ll have to step outside to smoke.”
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile, a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled.
They try to get free, but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head.
“Hey, you two!” he shouts. “Stop making spectacles of yourselves!”
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Good morning, sweetie!
When I get up, my initial idea is of just how you feel, after that, I obtain you a cup of coffee, placed it down, as well as back away, gradually...
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