I told my friend that I want to live on Uranus.
They said, “I guess you’re really into extreme living conditions!”
😄 😄 😄
There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America.
If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?
😄 😄 😄
An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken.
He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card.
So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke, “Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!”
The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back once again with the smoke, “OK, chief, but why so much?”
At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky.
The tribe signals, “OK, OK, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?”
😄 😄 😄
I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.
He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“July.”
“July, who?”
“July’d to me when you said you didn’t eat my ice cream!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the mushroom have to leave her home?
It was growing toxic by the day.
😄 😄 😄
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the barber ask the question about beards?
He was shaving it for later.
😄 😄 😄
The Twitter Files...
... are now the X-Files.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
😄 😄 😄
Why is it impossible for a flat Earther to calculate the volume of the Earth?
Because there is always a rounding error.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free range.
😄 😄 😄
A parent gave her kid some sound advice before going to accounting school:
Study hard, so you can be audit you can be.
😄 😄 😄
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness—a grandmotherly, elderly woman—to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair!”
😄 😄 😄
If you shrunk the entire solar system down so that the sun was at the top of your head and the orbit of Pluto was at your feet, Uranus would be exactly where you would expect it to be.
😄 😄 😄
What does the Elf on the Shelf use to write with on the blackboard?
Chalk-olate.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the registered nurse bring a ladder to work?
To take care of high blood pressure.
😄 😄 😄
Here in Portugal we call bad jokes ‘dry jokes’. Do you want to see an example?
The desert.
😄 😄 😄
Akpos’s wife was busy singing in the bedroom.
Akpos: “You know, my dear, when you sing like that, I just wish you were on a radio.
Wife: “Wow, honey. Am I that good?”
Akpos: “No, at least on a radio I can change the station.”
😄 😄 😄
So I’m in IKEA and I ask the salesperson, “Is this a finished desk?”
And she says, “No, it’s Swedish.”
😄 😄 😄
