Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech.
In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
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What do the New York Yankees and pancakes have in common?
They both need a good batter!
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My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.
However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it’s an auto-biography.
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Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?
Like, I was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me “Hey! Watch It!”.
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Why was Darth Vader bad at sports?
He always choked.
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Why did the man reach the bowling alley before his friends?
To get the ball rolling.
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A call comes in to 911: “Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!”
Operator: “Where?”
Caller: “No, a regular one!”
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Have you ever seen how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning the game?
I found out that this is frowned upon in bowling.
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What can you find on avocado feet?
Avoca-toes.
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What do English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit grammar.
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After several attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian-American friend Appappa decided to spell it out.
“A for apple,” he began, “P for pineapple, p for pineapple, a for apple, p for pineapple, p for...”
The flustered agent interrupted, “I have a better idea,” she said, “just tell me how many apples and how many pineapples.”
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Babe, guess what would look good on you?
Me.
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Why was the mermaid couple so indecisive?
Because they both refused to wear the pants in the relationship.
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A young boy walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.
In disbelief, the cashier asked him to repeat his order.
“I want 12 scoops of ice cream sir.”
Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.
But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question, “Why did you want so many scoops of ice cream?”
“Well, if you had what I had you would order the exact same thing.”
The cashier hands him the cone but he’s a little confused and asked another question.
“And what is it that you have that I don’t?”
The boy looked him in the eyes with a smirk on his face and said, “Only two dollars in change.” And he ran out of parlor.
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What do you call a dog in August?
A hot dog.
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A local pizza chain just folded.
The new restaurants serve only calzones now.
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Why are hamburgers so happy at barbeques?
They get to meet all their old flames.
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I couldn’t decide how much lettuce to buy until someone helped me think it through.
Turns out, two heads are better than one.
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Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing.
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Why is there no salt in the ocean?
Because all of it is on the League of Legends servers.
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