My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he’s much older than me, he has healthier teeth.
I said it must be because he has a better dentist.
😄 😄 😄
Two eggs went for a comedy gig, guess what one egg said to the another?
Let’s get cracking.
😄 😄 😄
Sunday school teacher: “Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”
Johnny: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”
😄 😄 😄
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.
One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.
Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.
“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”
The manager looks sheepish, “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”
The priest looks ashamed of himself, “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”
The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”
The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
😄 😄 😄
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
😄 😄 😄
I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator.
Right then I realized everyone was raised differently.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the joker enter the shop?
Because there was a board outside stating “No funny business”.
😄 😄 😄
WFH diary, day 1:
Power went out during recording, construction workers are extra loud today, daughter walked in on a meeting singing “I like banaaaaanas” at the top of her lungs.
😄 😄 😄
Star Trek characters make the worst sports fans.
They always root for the away team.
😄 😄 😄
How many Puerto Ricans does it take to change a lightbulb.
Just Juan.
😄 😄 😄
Did you know R2D2 loves to curse?
They have to bleep out all his words.
😄 😄 😄
A hunter shoots a flying goose one day.
Proud of his hit he walks to fetch it only to see a farmer waiting for him, holding the goose.
“Sorry sir, this goose is mine. I shot it,” explains the hunter.
The farmer replies with a smirk, “But it landed on my property, so it’s mine.”
“Excuse me? You can’t just take what’s mine! Hand it over, right now!” The hunter is clearly angry.
The farmer’s grin gets bigger.
“Alright alright,” the farmer says calmingly. “Let’s settle this with a simple game we use around here to resolve an argument. The winner will keep the goose. The rules are simple. I’ll kick you in the nuts and see how much time it takes you to recover. Then you’ll do the same to me. Whoever recovers faster is the winner.”
The hunter, provoked and angry, agrees immediately.
The two get ready, the farmer kicks first. He takes a full swing and hits the hunter right between the legs.
The hunter nearly blacks out. A moment passes before he screams in agonizing pain, holding his crotch. His knees give in and he falls face-first onto the ground.
Time passes and the hunter does his best to endure the pain and get back up.
Eventually, still in pain, the hunter gets back onto his feet.
With teary eyes and a sore throat he says, “Now it’s my turn!”
The farmer looks at him smiling, shakes his head and goes, “Nah, man, It’s fine, you can have it. Here’s the goose, I didn’t want it anyway,” and walks off, laughing out loud.
😄 😄 😄
What does the gym instructor say after having loads of desserts?
“I donut care anymore.”
😄 😄 😄
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
😄 😄 😄
What sort of racehorses come out after dark?
Night-mares.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.
😄 😄 😄
I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.
It’s just really hard to find thirty-two of them willing to do it.
😄 😄 😄
Where does a majority of a hockey player’s salary come from?
The tooth fairy.
😄 😄 😄
What do nuclear plants serve their workers for the Labor Day party?
Fission Chips.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man hate driving with his evil twin?
Because he’s a bad parallel Parker.
😄 😄 😄
