Where do late sailors come from?
Missed-his-shippi.
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
He wanted to get to the bottom.
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What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?
Aria 51.
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What do you call six witches in a Jacuzzi?
A self-cleaning coven.
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It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol is a solution.
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Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon.
But they wouldn’t let us land because the moon was full.
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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
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What is a pressing thought of every pig?
“Why do all bacon get cooked and cookies get baked?”
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Your mama’s so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
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Chuck Norris can blow up things, without a bomb.
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How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
If it’s a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
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My mother-in-law just asked for bath stuff for her birthday.
She seemed unimpressed with the toaster I bought her.
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Husband whispers to wife as they’re going to sleep, “Good night, mother of six.”
“Good night, father of one,” she replies.
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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People have become very naughty on WhatsApp.
Even married women have put their status as AVAILABLE.
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What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day?
Lazy bones.
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Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
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Guess what monkeys eat in space?
Space bananas!
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What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
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A man went to the pet shop to buy a budgie.
“I would like a blue budgie please” he said to the assistant.
“I haven’t got a blue one,” the assistant replied. “I’ll sell you a green one and a tin of paint. You can paint it yourself.”
“OK,” said the man, “that’ll do.”
The next day, the man comes back. The budgie is dead.
“Look at this,” said the man. “It died while I was painting it.”
“That’s odd,” said the assistant, “I’m sure that paint was safe.”
The man replies, “I never got round to painting it. It died when I was burning the old paint off…”
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