What do you give an alien?
Some space!
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I’m a bipolar Star Trek fan.
I just went to the hospital to have my dilithium level checked.
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On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
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My friends keep calling me a joker.
But no matter how many decks of cards I search through, I still can’t find my face on a single one.
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Made gluten-free spaghetti for dinner.
When I asked my boyfriend why he wasn’t eating it, he said, “It’s not real spaghetti. It’s an impasta.”
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What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?
Fun-gi to be around!
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A Man’s Logic
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.
The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.
She says, “Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and a part of me.”
The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.
The man replies, ’OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine?”
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When everything’s coming your way...
You’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
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Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech.
In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
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Why do turkeys love Thanksgiving?
Because they don’t have to worry about buying Christmas presents.
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Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
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Start your day with a smile and a cup of coffee,
And remember, I’m here to annoy you!
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After Jesus’s trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
“I don’t know. I’ll keep you posted.”
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What do you call a hammer bought on April 1st?
April tool.
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Friend 1: “Hey, I once went out on a super hot date!”
Friend 2: “Oh, really?”
Friend 1: “Absolutely! It was the month of August and a whopping 100 degrees outside.”
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A mother sends her son to the well to fetch water.
When the boy comes back without water, he explains that there was an alligator in the well.
“Don’t worry,” says the mother. “The alligator is just as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Mom,” says the boy, “if the alligator is as scared of me as I am of him, we shouldn’t be drinking that water.”
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The universe expands because everything is trying to get as far away from Chuck Norris as possible.
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The taller you are, the harder you’ll fall.
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Guess what the name of my new computer processor is?
Chip.
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Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
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