Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.
The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
βSee here, old fellow,β said Jesus kindly, βthis is heaven. The sun is shining, youβve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to playβyouβre supposed to be blissfully happy! Whatβs wrong?β
βWell,β said the old man, βyou see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.β
Tears sprang from Jesusβ eyes.
βFATHER!β he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, βPINOCCHIO!β
π π π
My wife said, βIf we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds.β
I figured why wait, so surprised her that night... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
π π π
My crush told me that Iβm pretty.
Well, the whole sentence was βYouβre pretty annoyingβ, but I focus only on the positive things.
π π π
Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?
They make it their business to create a lot of issues.
π π π
Blue jeans are immortal.
They never die, they just fade away.
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How many Mcdonaldβs workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they canβt climb the ladder.
π π π
How many nuns are there in a temple?
Nun.
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Mooning is very ASStrological.
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What did the fungi say when he was offered seconds at dinner?
βNo thanks. I donβt have mush-room left in my stomach.β
π π π
Shouldnβt you be minding your business and looking out for low flying objects?
π π π
Santa was drawing money from an ATM.
A person, who was just behind him in the line, said, βHa, ha, haaa! Iβve seen your password. Itβs 4 asterisks.β
Santa replies, βHa, ha, ha! You are wrong. Itβs 1258.β
π π π
Whatβs Uranusβ favorite subject?
Gas-tronomy.
π π π
Slice me, baby. I am all yours tonight.
π π π
Yo mommaβs so fat she could put Coruscant out of orbit.
π π π
What do you call a person who overuses emojis?
Β―\_(γ)_/Β―
π π π
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
π π π
What to give a man whoβs got everything?
A woman. Sheβll tell him how everything works.
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Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, βWhere is God?β
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, βWhere is God?β
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually, his brother found him and asked, βWhatβs wrong?β
The crying boy replied, βWeβre in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!β
π π π
My husband is as handsome as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein.
His name is Frankenstein.
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Your mama is so short she has to cuff her underwear.
π π π
