Why was Aunt May worried about Peter Parker?
He was spending too much time on the world wide web.
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Why was Uranus sad at the solar system party?
It felt left out of the loop.
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It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
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A little-known fact is that Sir Lancelot raised a lot of sheep in his later years to make a living.
But once he got to Egypt he opened his own camel lot.
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What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?
Sick and twisted.
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A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party.
He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.
He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”
The wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out, “And I can’t remember who she was!”
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I asked my friend if he’d bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day.
He’s a bit of a chauvinist pig, so he surprised me when he replied, “Yeah, I’ve got her a belt and a bag.”
I said, “That’s very thoughtful of you. I hope she appreciates it.”
He said, “So do I. And hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work much better now.”
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Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
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Good morning!
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’m aiming for the cheese today!
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I told my friend that I want to live on Uranus.
They said, “I guess you’re really into extreme living conditions!”
😄 😄 😄
There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America.
If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?
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An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken.
He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card.
So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke, “Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!”
The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back once again with the smoke, “OK, chief, but why so much?”
At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky.
The tribe signals, “OK, OK, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?”
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I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.
He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“July.”
“July, who?”
“July’d to me when you said you didn’t eat my ice cream!”
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Why did the mushroom have to leave her home?
It was growing toxic by the day.
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
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Why didn’t the barber ask the question about beards?
He was shaving it for later.
😄 😄 😄
The Twitter Files...
... are now the X-Files.
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Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
😄 😄 😄
Why is it impossible for a flat Earther to calculate the volume of the Earth?
Because there is always a rounding error.
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