What do you do when you break your leg in two places?
Quit going to those two places!
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Why do otters sleep on their backs?
Because it’s otterly blissful.
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Yo mama so stupid she made an appointment with Dr Pepper.
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Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, “If your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”
Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.
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Doctor: “Yes, what is it I can do for you?”
Blond: “Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body’s blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn’t anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?”
Doctor: “The fact’s your legs are not that hollow as your head is.”
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Good morning!
I hope you woke up on the right side of the bed...
Because I moved all the furniture to the left side.
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I didn’t always like mushrooms, but they’ve finally started to grow on me.
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I have a lot of experience catching women who’ve been thrown off their feet, feel free to fall.
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Why is it that Uranus smells distinctly like farts?
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Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.
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I didn’t wear my glasses to the party because I wanted to make a spectacle of myself.
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Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
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Why do we call the aliens creating the pyramids a conspiracy theory?
It’s obviously a pyramid scheme.
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Your mama’s so short that she has to look up to look down.
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How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.
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What’s the only drink size they allow in North Korea?
A supreme liter.
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What is the best time of day to play Super Mario?
The Wii hours of the morning.
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July 1st is International Reggae Day.
This is the day I dread.
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What do you call a Puerto Rican dish that’s not spicy?
A mistake.
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How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?
He ate him on Sunday night!
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