What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.
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What do you call two ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese?
A paradux.
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A man with a wooden eye is at a dance.
During a slow dance, he can’t find a partner to dance with him.
He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose.
Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking, “Would you dance with me?”
Filled with excitement, she yells, “Would I!”
Without missing a beat, the man retorts, “BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!”
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What did Uranus say to its moon?
“You have the right to remain in orbit, anything you say will be taken out of context!”
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How do you serve a camel a cup of tea?
Ask them if they want one hump or two.
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Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache and glasses, I think
“There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.”
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a Novocain injection during root canal treatment?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?
Diabetes.
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Where did the Pilgrims stand after landing on Plymouth Rock?
On their feet.
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Why couldn’t the man with the thick beard figure out the cause of his itchy beard?
He couldn’t get to the root of it.
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What did Chuck Norris get when he visited the feminist rally for women’s rights?
He got his shirt ironed.
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One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night.
It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon.
Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted by the noises of the deceased chickens.
We had a poultrygeist.
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A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.
He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”
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The universe expands because everything is trying to get as far away from Chuck Norris as possible.
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Why shouldn’t you write a book on penguins?
Because writing on paper is much easier.
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Where can you get 100% off on everything on Black Friday?
At home by not going out.
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Hiroshima Nagasaki was nothing more than the result of Chuck Norris’ skydiving in Japan.
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It’s nearing the end of the semester at a prestigious university of philosophy.
The 100+ students wait eagerly for the professor to enter the auditorium and begin their final exam. They all have their notebooks out, as the final is open book.
The professor enters and, without saying a word, puts his chair on top of his podium.
He announces to the class, “Using everything that you know about philosophy, I want you to write an essay proving to me that this chair does not exist”.
The students begin furiously writing, all except one guy sitting in the far back. He writes something down, turns it in, and is gone in less than a minute.
A week passes and the students gather outside to view their grades, looking upon the posting in utter horror. Every one of them had failed the course... all except the one guy.
The students then gathered around him and asked him anxiously how he proved that the chair did not exist.
His reply:
“What chair?”
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I caught my wife using Tinder last night.
Needless to say, I swiped left on that cheating cow.
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Your hairline goes so far back, even Dora the Explorer couldn’t find it.
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