Why was the hip replacement patient always winning at poker?
Because they always had a couple of joints up their sleeve.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a poodle’s favorite kind of pizza?
Pupperoni.
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve swallowed my money!”
Doctor: “Take this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.”
😄 😄 😄
I don’t plan to put up solar panels...
But, if you do, more power to you.
😄 😄 😄
Got an ice cream for my girlfriend.
Best trade I ever made.
😄 😄 😄
What did the fancy bearded goat order at the café?
A goa-tea.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what made the sea monster such a successful comedian?
He was always kraken everyone up.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the hardest part of the roofing business?
The overhead.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the pineapple stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.
😄 😄 😄
A viola player goes into a music shop.
The shop assistant asks what he would like.
The viola player says, “Well, I’ve been playing the viola for years and I’m getting really tired of everyone pointing and laughing and acting like I don’t know the first thing about music, so I’m thinking about taking up another instrument.”
“Do you know what you’d like to play?” asks the assistant.
The viola player says, “I’m not sure yet. Is it all right if I have a look around for a while?”
Of course the assistant says that would be just fine.
So after ten minutes or so the viola player comes up to the desk and says, “I think I’ve made my decision. I’d like to buy the bagpipes you have by the door, and the big white accordion.”
The assistant says, “Let me just go and see the manager.” He goes and sees the manager.
He comes back and says, “The manager says you can have the fire extinguisher for £49.99, but the radiator’s not for sale.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the client say when they saw the final ad concept?
“Can we make the logo bigger?”
😄 😄 😄
What do you do when you break your leg in two places?
Quit going to those two places!
😄 😄 😄
How does a Puerto Rican get ready for a marathon?
By putting on their running shoes and their party hat.
😄 😄 😄
Why doesn’t Spider-Man like rice?
It reminds him of Uncle Ben.
😄 😄 😄
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I’m worried, but my wife says it’s just a phase.
😄 😄 😄
Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.
One falcon turns to the other and says, “Man, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.”
The second falcon turns back and says, “You’d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.”
😄 😄 😄
One day, a mother sends her son to the market to get some groceries.
She tells him, “You need you to go to the store and get a gallon of milk. If they have avocados, get 6.”
The autistic one comes back with 6 gallons of milk and tells her, “They had avocados.”
😄 😄 😄
Do you come from a family of math nerds?
If you do, then you have square roots!
😄 😄 😄
You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what horses, donkeys, cows, goats, and sheep all have in common?
They’re all very stable animals.
😄 😄 😄
