Why is a German stone intelligent?
Because it’s not just a stone, it’s ein Stein.
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What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
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An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.
The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said, “I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up, so I can look death straight in the eyes!”
The executioner accepted this request, placed the man in the guillotine and pulled the lever... but nothing happened! The blade did not drop! It was declared an act of God and proof of his innocence, and he was released.
The chef is brought to the guillotine and requests to be beheaded face up as well. And again, when the executioner pulled the lever, the blade remained motionless! The chef was released and joined his master.
Finally, the engineer is brought to the executioner. He, too, requests to lie supine.
As the executioner is about to pull the lever, the engineer exclaims, “OH! I see your problem!”
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Your mama so hot her hugs give third-degree burns.
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Why did the computer go to a cyber café?
Because it needed a byte to eat.
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I’m on medication for my Pokémon Go addiction.
Gotacachemol.
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A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.
After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later, the rooster walks in.
He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
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Yo sister so ugly her pillow cries at night.
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Why do people with vertigo hate autumn?
In case they have a bad fall.
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Why did Stephen Hawking stop playing hide and seek with his wife?
Because she kept using a metal detector.
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I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”
I said, “Not at all.”
He said, “‘Kiss?’”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Donut.”
“Donut, who?”
“Donut worry, be happy!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Uranus.”
“Uranus, who?”
“Uranus is a gas giant.”
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What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
“I’M BREADY TO DIE!”
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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
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Bill and Melinda were happy for 27 years
And then Bill started working from home.
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A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.
“Father, father look,” the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. “The Americans have gone to the moon.”
The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, “All of them?”
“No, just 3,” replies the kid.
“Damn it!” The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
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An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.
The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, “Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene, we must cut it off.”
The English prisoner said, “Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.”
The German replied, “Yeah, that will not be a problem.”
A few weeks later, the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.
The Englishman says, “Well, could drop it over England like you did last time.”
“Yeah, that will be done,” says the German.
The next day, the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.
Once again, the Brit says, “Well, could you do the same as before?”
The German replies, “Yeah.”
The next day, the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.
“Well,” begins the Brit, “could you just...”
The German snapped, “No! We think you are trying to escape!”
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I’m going to take you out for a morning walk.
Whether you’re sleeping or not!
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