I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet.
After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff.
But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
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You know you’re 50 when you now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.
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What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A six-foot toothbrush.
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Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?
He was making up for lost thyme.
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Did you know most Egyptian people are related to the same Pharaoh?
They have Tut-in-common.
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Why don’t we have a Reality Show where flat Earthers walk to the end of the Earth?
Because that would be edgy.
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What do you call a male buffalo?
A buffellow.
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A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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I have a joke about the flu...
But I hope you don’t get it.
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What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow?
Reality.
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What is Harry Potter’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
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Which clients do short auditors like best?
Small businessmen.
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I put an electric fence around my garden.
My neighbor is dead against it.
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Father’s Day was near when I brought my son to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.
When I looked back, my son was picking up one card after another, opening them up, and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way.
“Son, what are you doing?” I asked. “Haven’t you found a nice card for daddy yet?”
“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”
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Why did the cool roofer stop hanging out with his friends?
He realized they were squares.
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I entered a Roblox building competition.
But got disqualified because my design was a copy-pastemasterpiece.
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Let’s be frank... you’re OLD!
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Water.”
“Water, who?”
“Water you doing tonight?”
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What is a Guitarist’s Favorite Snack?
String cheese.
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What do you call a rampaging cow under the full moon?
Udder lunacy.
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