I was going to buy an exotic spider from the pet shop.
Then I realised I could just get one on the web.
😄 😄 😄
I’m a bipolar Star Trek fan.
I just went to the hospital to have my dilithium level checked.
😄 😄 😄
I saw an interview with Sean Connery about how he used to scuba dive for seafood.
He said, “Every time I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically searching for a place to hide, so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself...
that’s shellfish.”
😄 😄 😄
I am sweating like a cactus in a greenhouse.
😄 😄 😄
You know you’re 50 when you and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.
😄 😄 😄
Which part of a computer is Spider-Man’s favorite?
The web cam.
😄 😄 😄
An Irishman walks into NASA and asks:
“Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon?”
😄 😄 😄
I dreamed last night that I was making pancakes whilst driving along a twisty road.
I tossed and turned all night.
😄 😄 😄
“What’s the difference between curtains and toilet paper?”
“I don’t know.”
“So it was you!”
😄 😄 😄
If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.
I guess that’s why they moo.
😄 😄 😄
My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel.
I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me.
😄 😄 😄
I got caught cheating on my physics exam.
Furious, my professor said to me, “I hope you understand the gravity of the situation!”
But if I had known that, I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.
😄 😄 😄
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
😄 😄 😄
How does a lobster answer the phone?
“Shello?”
😄 😄 😄
Mom: “Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.”
Son: “Why is that funny?”
Mom: “It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?”
Son: “Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.”
Mom: “I thought it meant Lots of Love... I have to call everyone back!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lettuce.”
“Lettuce, who?”
“Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”
😄 😄 😄
I like to show my girlfriend who’s the boss in our house.
I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.
😄 😄 😄
There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you.
Second place is just a constellation prize.
😄 😄 😄
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
😄 😄 😄
