Best Jokes (4)



Two retired British Army officers are speaking.

1st officer: β€œSay, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”

2nd officer: β€œI dare say I’ve not heard that one.”

1st officer: β€œI decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village, and armed with my rifle we set out.

Several hours into the hunt and deep in a mangrove swamp, we stumbled upon fresh tracks.

It was not more than a few minutes of tracking the great beast when we heard itβ€”a low, guttural sound from behind.

I quickly turned and as I readied my rifle, the tiger leaped from the shadows, teeth, and claws bared. Rrrraaaaaarrrrrr! I shat my pants.”

2nd officer: β€œOf course, you shat your pants, old chap. You were attacked by a Bengal Tiger!”

1st officer: β€œNo, right now when I went β€˜Rrrraaaaaarrrrr!’.”

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Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight?

They beat the stuffing outta each other.

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Two eggs went for a comedy gig, guess what one egg said to the another?

Let’s get cracking.

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Did you know that during childbirth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment

she almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu.

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I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.

Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.

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This young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting non-stop.

The girl can’t stand the smell and says, β€œStop that! It’s disgusting!”

The guy says, β€œDon’t blame me, it’s the dog.”

β€œDon’t blame him,” says the girl. β€œHe was cooked perfectly.”

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Yo mama’s breath is so bad that when she talks her nose hairs fall out.

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How many HR people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, the other to investigate the lightbulb’s complaint it was touched inappropriately.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it was free range.

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How many general-relativity theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.

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How was your ear operation?

Thursday.

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No need to Apollo-gize, I know you didn’t moon what you said!

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Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer?

Because he had the drumsticks!

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When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.

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What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and a NASCAR driver?

Tiger Woods plays golf for a living, but enjoys smashing up his car on his days off.

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What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?

Great big holes all over Australia.

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A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.

He says, β€œYou’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, β€œFrank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”

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Where do kids get ice cream cakes on their birthdays?

At sundae school.

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Why did the blue marker shy away from the red marker?

It was a little shy-nero.

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Love is a lot like peeing your pants.

Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.

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