What did Mario say to Princess Peach?
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.”
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What kind of books does the moon like to read?
Comet-books!
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death—we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
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What is the propeller used for on an airplane?
Many people do not know this, but is actually for air conditioning.
If you ever get to see it when the propeller stops, the pilot suddenly starts sweating.
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Donald MacDonald, from the Scottish Highlands, went to study Law at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his old mother came to visit him.
“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.
“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people... The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”
“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful, noisy English neighbors?” she asked her son.
Donald replied enthusiastically, “Mother, I do nothing. I simply ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
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Where do books sleep?
Under their covers.
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A man and his family walk into a bar.
Inside the bar, the man’s youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating “World’s longest memory”.
The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.
The child asks, “What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?”
The Native American states, “Eggs.”
The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.
Years later, when the child returns with his own family, he sees the same Native American at the bar.
Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical, “How!”
The Native American replies, “Scrambled.”
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Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18?
Because otherwise you’d have to call him Batman.
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Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.
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What did the florist say to the customer who was trying to bargain over the price of the rose bouquet?
“Take it or leaf it bud!”
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What did the coder say to his coder girlfriend?
You had me at “hello world”.
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Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy?
It was the wicked witch of rest.
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Why doesn’t Voldemort have glasses?
Nobody nose.
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A guy ate only metal bars for Thanksgiving.
He was gratefull.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Sue.”
“Sue, who?”
“Sue-prize! Happy Halloween!”
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How many university graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it may take up to seven years!
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An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
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Friend A: “What did Helen Keller’s kitchen look like?”
Friend B: “I don’t know.”
Friend A: “She did not know either.”
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Yo mama’s appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.
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Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
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