Yo mama so poor when I stepped on a cigarette to put it out she said “Hey, who turned off the heat?”
😄 😄 😄
What was the full name of Eddie Murphy’s character in Shrek?
Donkey Ho-tay!
😄 😄 😄
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend?
A PayDay.
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What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson.
😄 😄 😄
A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions.
So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd.
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A man ordered for a voice-automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car, “Car, go and bring my children from school.”
The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.
As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said, “These are your children, sir.”
In the car were their landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress’s two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son, and their neighbor’s two sons.
The wife said angrily, “I demand to know if these are all your children?!”
The man asked her calmly, “Just as soon as you tell me why our children aren’t in the car.”
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The United States Marine Corps was started in Tun Tavern in Philadelphia in 1775. A poster was put up looking for men to volunteer.
The first man walked in, gave his name, and took an oath. He was instructed to go wait out back until more recruits joined him.
He sat out back for a few minutes, and soon another young man came out and joined him.
The newcomer said to the first guy, “Well, I guess we’re in the Marine Corps now!”
The first guy said, “Son, lemme tell you about the old Corps.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the hot dog stand on the moon?
The hot dogs were out of this world, but there was absolutely no atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
How do you know all suicide bombers self identify as being old?
They are all boomers in the end.
😄 😄 😄
What did the salad say to the chef?
Lett-uce go!
😄 😄 😄
Uranus’ puns are my favorite kind of humor.
They’re truly universal.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of bread?
Gas-tly sourdough.
😄 😄 😄
Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a Nest-cafe.
😄 😄 😄
Some people say rolling dice for stats in D&D is old-fashioned and outdated.
But I think it builds character.
😄 😄 😄
Not sure if there’s been a break-in...
...or I just need to clean up.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the banana go to the hairdresser?
Because it had split ends.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says “to be continued”.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who is there?”
“Justin.”
“Justin, who?”
“Just in time to eat all the birthday donuts.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat she fed an entire zombie apocalypse.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the guy eat a poisonous mushroom?
He thought that any morel would do.
😄 😄 😄
