What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyathinkysaurus.
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Chuck Norris can pick up a missed call.
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a Novocain injection during root canal treatment?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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Yo mama so fat she uses the highway as a slip and slide.
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How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to change it, five to moan about it, and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out.
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You know you’re 40 when you have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize.
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If Chewie is short for Chewbacca, and Ben Kenobi is short for Obi-Wan Kenobi. What is Luke short for?
A stormtrooper.
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Good morning!
Today is a good day to have a good day, especially if you've had your coffee.
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What do a bass guitar solo and peeing your pants have in common?
It’s quiet and embarrassing.
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I don’t trust freshmen algebra students.
They’re always plotting something.
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I don’t like people who do not cover their mouths and noses when they sneeze.
These people make me sick.
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My brother wanted a dinosaur as a gift for his birthday.
Then I told him, “They’re all extinct.”
Hearing that, he said, “No, I don’t want a stinky dinosaur.”
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What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A har-vest.
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So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favorite Star Wars character.
You should’ve seen the Luke on her face.
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What is a wolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
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I got a pet owl named Robin.
Robin Hoo-d.
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The banker fell overboard from a friend’s sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”
“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”
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I recently heard about a study that said that all the so-called “brain foods” don’t actually help your brain at all. It’s all just pseudoscience.
Food for thought.
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Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.
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Why did the cactus join the orchestra?
Because it could play the prickle-o.
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