Don’t forget you are what you eat.
I need to eat a skinny person.
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What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?
A spores car!
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A group of friends put together a basketball team to play in the local town league and called the team “Bye”.
So far they have accumulated 4 wins from opponents’ no-shows.
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The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.
The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.
The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.
Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping her temples.
The Scarecrow says, “What’s the matter with you guys?”
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Where does a kangaroo go that can’t hop?
Hopspital.
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Why did the man reach the bowling alley before his friends?
To get the ball rolling.
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Hey, I know you’re in love, but it’s time to break up with your bed and get out of there.
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No need to Apollo-gize, I know you didn’t moon what you said!
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I what is a crackers weight measured in?
In grahams.
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Why is Uranus so good at baseball?
Because it has a great orbit!
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A hunter shoots a flying goose one day.
Proud of his hit he walks to fetch it only to see a farmer waiting for him, holding the goose.
“Sorry sir, this goose is mine. I shot it,” explains the hunter.
The farmer replies with a smirk, “But it landed on my property, so it’s mine.”
“Excuse me? You can’t just take what’s mine! Hand it over, right now!” The hunter is clearly angry.
The farmer’s grin gets bigger.
“Alright alright,” the farmer says calmingly. “Let’s settle this with a simple game we use around here to resolve an argument. The winner will keep the goose. The rules are simple. I’ll kick you in the nuts and see how much time it takes you to recover. Then you’ll do the same to me. Whoever recovers faster is the winner.”
The hunter, provoked and angry, agrees immediately.
The two get ready, the farmer kicks first. He takes a full swing and hits the hunter right between the legs.
The hunter nearly blacks out. A moment passes before he screams in agonizing pain, holding his crotch. His knees give in and he falls face-first onto the ground.
Time passes and the hunter does his best to endure the pain and get back up.
Eventually, still in pain, the hunter gets back onto his feet.
With teary eyes and a sore throat he says, “Now it’s my turn!”
The farmer looks at him smiling, shakes his head and goes, “Nah, man, It’s fine, you can have it. Here’s the goose, I didn’t want it anyway,” and walks off, laughing out loud.
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Yo mama so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
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They say to have a successful day working from home, you should wake up early, go for a walk, take a shower, and treat it as if it’s a normal workday...
...So is it considered unsuccessful if I wake up 5 minutes before my first call?
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What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
The Anti-crust.
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What do you call a bison that is good at telling lies?
Bluffalo.
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Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
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When you have a question, you check with Google.
When Google has a question, they check with Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris has a question, everybody better run!
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I just heard that the Dunkin’ Donuts in my area will initiate with a surcharge for coming in without wearing a mask.
They’re going to call it a cough fee.
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When asked to write an essay on what he was thankful for on Thanksgiving, Little Johnny wrote:
I am thankful I am not a turkey.
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What do you call the mother who gave birth to Super Mario?
Mario Maker.
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