Best Jokes (4)



An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder.

The barman asks, โ€œWhere did you get that?โ€

The seagull replies, โ€œDown the tip, there are heaps of them there.โ€

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Whatโ€™s closer, France or the Moon?

The Moon, obviously! You canโ€™t see France from here!

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โ€œMum, I just won this phone in a race!โ€

โ€œWho was in the race?โ€

โ€œThe owner of the phone and the police. I think theyโ€™re at the door to congratulate me.โ€

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Paddy has just correctly answered the ยฃ500,000 question on โ€œWho Wants To Be a Millionaireโ€.

He has only one question standing between him and the ยฃ1m jackpot.

Presenter: โ€œWhich of these birds does not live in a nest?

A) Thrush

B) Kestrel

C) Blue Tit

D) Cuckooโ€

Paddy has one lifeline left โ€“ phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub.

Murphy agrees and immediately shouts, โ€œItโ€™s a cuckoo!โ€

Paddy goes with that answer and wins the jackpot.

That evening, Paddy was round at Murphyโ€™s bar celebrating.

He turns to Murphy and says, โ€œMurphy, how did you know that cuckoos donโ€™t live in a nest?โ€

Murphy answers, โ€œThatโ€™s the easiest question you could have had! Everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!โ€

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I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with earpiece).

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What type of mushrooms are the worst to have as friends?

Shii-talkin!

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Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?

Attila the Hen.

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Why do llamas have such long necks?

To make sure their heads stay on.

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An Alien visited the Solar system and ate Jupiter.

When asked how it was the Alien replied simply:

โ€œGastronomical.โ€

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Your so ugly when you were born your mom said, โ€œOh, what a treasure!โ€

And your dad said, โ€œYeah, leโ€™ts bury it.โ€

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I met this dude once who was really into mushrooms.

He was a real fun-gi.

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A driver goes into a car accessories store.

โ€œIโ€™d like a satnav, please.โ€

โ€œOK,โ€ said the assistant, โ€œwe have every model possible, European routes, world routes, UK routes.โ€

โ€œIโ€™ll just take the UK one, please,โ€ said the driver.

โ€œAre you sure, sir, easy to get lost round Europe,โ€ replied the assistant.

โ€œNo, the UK is fine,โ€ said the driver, โ€œitโ€™s for the Liverpool team bus next season.โ€

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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driverโ€”a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieโ€”poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, โ€œHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?โ€

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, โ€œSure.โ€

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, โ€œYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.โ€

โ€œImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,โ€ said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, โ€œIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?โ€

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, โ€œYouโ€™re on.โ€

โ€œYou are an auditor,โ€ said the shepherd without hesitation.

โ€œThatโ€™s correct,โ€ said the young man, impressed. โ€œHowever did you guess?โ€

โ€œIt wasnโ€™t a guess,โ€ replied the shepherd. โ€œYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenโ€™t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!โ€

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Did you hear about the blue plane that crashed?

They said it was a skyblunder.

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I went to watch Spider-Man playing baseball.

He was great at catching flies.

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Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.

The landlady said to me, โ€œWe charge twenty pounds a nightโ€”bed and breakfastโ€”or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.โ€

โ€œOh, all right,โ€ I said, โ€œIโ€™ll make the bed.โ€

And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.

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An little old woman arrives home from bingo and her husband comes running up to her saying, โ€œThank goodness youโ€™re home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!โ€

She replied, โ€œA lunatic? There were hundreds of them!โ€

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Did you know the first French Fries werenโ€™t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

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What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?

A polar bear.

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Girlfriend: โ€œDo you have a date for Valentineโ€™s Day?โ€

Boyfriend: โ€œYes, February 14th.โ€

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