Husband: “What’s your most hated part of the English language?”
Wife: “The singular second person personal pronoun.”
Husband: “What?”
Wife: “YOU.”
😄 😄 😄
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
“Let’s have another round, shall we?”
😄 😄 😄
Elon’s opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...
Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!
😄 😄 😄
I’m on the rotation diet.
Every time I turn around, I eat.
😄 😄 😄
I get so nervous during earthquakes.
That I start shaking uncontrollably.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if you eat onions on your beans?
Tear gas.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!
😄 😄 😄
I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work on a Minion Day.
😄 😄 😄
What do my ex-wife and the economy have in common?
Inflation over time.
😄 😄 😄
85% of all Fords made are still on the road today.
The other 15% made it home.
😄 😄 😄
I have decided to pursue my dreams... good night!
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hoo.”
“Hoo, who?”
“You talk like an owl!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the alien bring a gift to Uranus?
It wanted to show its appreciation for the atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year.
They chose a hot dog... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
😄 😄 😄
What did Shrek use to propose to Fiona?
An onion ring.
😄 😄 😄
Your hairline looks like someone tried to erase it using Microsoft paint.
😄 😄 😄
My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress.
So I didn’t open his bills.
😄 😄 😄
Nurse: “Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies and still couldn’t find one.”
Doctor: “I was just checking if my pen works.”
😄 😄 😄
Me: “I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.”
Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
Me: “Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes.”
😄 😄 😄
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.
She asks him: “Little Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?”
He: “Like the moon.”
The teacher: “That’s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful”.
Little Johnny: “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”
😄 😄 😄
