I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving.
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
😄 😄 😄
Two college students accidentally miss the math final exam.
The next day, they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam.
When they both showed up, he told one of them to wait outside while he tested the other. So one enters and the other puts his ear to the door to listen.
The professor begins asking the question, “You are riding in a train car and you get too hot. What do you do?”
The student replies, “I open the window.”
“OK. Now that window is 2 feet wide and 3 feet high. The train is traveling 50 mph going north and the wind is blowing at 15 mph due east. How long will it take for new air to replace the old air in the car?”
The student is clearly confused by this difficult question and just answers, “I don’t know.”
So the professor gives him an F, dismisses him, and calls in his friend.
He begins asking his friend, “You are riding in a train car and it gets too hot. What do you do?”
He says, “I will take my jacket off.” “OK. But it’s still too hot. What do you do?”
“I take my shirt off.”
“I understand but it’s very, very hot.”
“I will just get naked.”
“OK. But there are people in the car who will see you get naked.”
“With all respect, professor,” said the student, “I don’t care if my grandmother and my priest are there, there’s no way I’m opening that darn window!”
😄 😄 😄
Why won’t my motorbike run?
Because it’s two tired.
😄 😄 😄
Five word horror story:
Unexpected item in bagging area.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
😄 😄 😄
Blessed be your morning, o holy one!
😄 😄 😄
I was just on a Zoom call that ended automatically after 40 minutes because the organizer was on a free tier.
This is the single greatest advance to meeting productivity that I’ve ever seen.
Would pay extra for this feature!
😄 😄 😄
My boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and can’t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting.
😄 😄 😄
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
The trainee shouts back, “And do you know who you are talking to, you fool?!”
“No,” replied the CEO indignantly.
“Good!” replied the trainee, and slams down the phone.
😄 😄 😄
Why are cop donut shop jokes always so funny?
They never get mold.
😄 😄 😄
Your forehead is so big that the teachers use it as a whiteboard.
😄 😄 😄
I got a call from NASA. They’ve reached your hairline.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue paint brush say to the red paint brush?
“I blue you away.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Donut.”
“Donut, who?”
“Donut ask, it’s a secret!”
😄 😄 😄
I told my wife I’d never leave her unless aliens came to take me.
It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.
😄 😄 😄
An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder.
The barman asks, “Where did you get that?”
The seagull replies, “Down the tip, there are heaps of them there.”
😄 😄 😄
I’ve got a new job at the chess factory.
I’m on knights next week.
😄 😄 😄
What’s something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?
A family member giving you the bird.
😄 😄 😄
I missed a question on my biology exam today.
The question was: What are commonly found in cells?
I guess “prisoners” wasn’t the right answer.
😄 😄 😄
