Best Jokes (4)



Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œGoat.”

β€œGoat, who?”

β€œGoat on a limb and open the door.”

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What did Shrek use to propose to Fiona?

An onion ring.

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What do the San Francisco 49ers playoff run and the Civil War have in common?

Both of them were ended by a man named Sherman.

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Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.

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What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?

β€œTo be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”

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Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.

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The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.

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Guess what you call someone who never falls down the stairs?

A stair-voyant.

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I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.

It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper...

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Wife asks, β€œWhy are you watching our wedding video backwards?”

Husband: β€œI like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.”

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I was reading a story about dragons the other day It just seemed to drag-on and on.

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Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor and asks, β€œWhat flavors do you have?”

The attendant says, β€œOver there on the signs on the wall, you’ll see them all.”

Client goes, β€œEhm, well I’ll have a cone with two scoops of β€˜Mondays Closed’.”

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I watched the cricket for four hours today and I finally understand it...

It uses its legs to make a noise.

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Did you know they found water on the moon?

But only when it’s waning.

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I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, β€œI bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”

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It only takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

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I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasn’t home.

Forget the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!

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For Father’s Day, my wife and kid made me breakfast in bed.

I’d have preferred they made it in the kitchen, but it’s the thought that counts.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œUranus.”

β€œUranus, who?”

β€œUranus is a gas giant.”

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I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet.

After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff.

But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.

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