I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
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A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.
It’s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.
He hears a soft voice: “Nice tie.”
He looks around, but he doesn’t see anyone.
The voice speaks again: “Great haircut.” A few moments later: “Congratulations on your promotion.”
He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.
The bartender says, “That’s the pretzels, they’re complimentary.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Donut.”
“Donut, who?”
“Donut ask, it’s a secret!”
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What do you call it when you can’t stop looking at Pinterest on your phone?
Pin-diction.
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Did you hear that Spider-Man is in trouble with the law?
They caught him on the web looking for Mary-Jane.
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Me: “I have a Zoom meeting later.”
My cat: “Oh, me too.”
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him, “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees, “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.
The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says, “Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”
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iPhone users, don’t bother sending the Meteor emoji to your Android friends.
It won’t have the same impact.
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Yo mama so tall she uses the Empire State Building as a toothpick.
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Why did the owl ’owl?
Because the woodpecker would peck ’er.
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Did you hear about the new strategy where companies collaborate with ill celebrities?
It’s called influenza marketing.
It’s really going viral.
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Which Marvel supervillain loves being under the sun?
Tan-os.
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What’s a tall person’s worst fear?
Ceiling fans.
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When the cow jumped over the moon...
Never have the steaks been so high.
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You are so dumb you returned a puzzle because it was broken.
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Where do dead bowling pins go?
To the pit of doom!
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What’s consistent in every season of Stranger Things?
Steve Harrington losing more brain cells and gaining more children.
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When we were children, we used to refer to our granddad as Spider-Man.
He didn’t have any special powers, he just couldn’t get out of the bath without any assistance.
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My wife is like a delicious strawberry popsicle.
Cold on the inside and 90% artificial.
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I went out the other day and there was a butterfly wrapped up in a web.
A few days later it had turned into a spider.
Natures amazing.
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