Best Jokes (4)



I started working at a watermelon street market booth. My first customer was I guy really big. Seriously built, kind of like The Rock but taller.

He asks, β€œHow much for the watermelon?”

Me: β€œ8 dollars.”

Guy: β€œOkay, I want half. Here’s $4.”

Me: β€œSir, we only sell entire watermelons. For 8 bucks.”

Guy: β€œI am telling you that I want half.”

The guy was getting angry.

Me: β€œSir, let me repeat. We only sell entire watermelons for 8 each.”

Guy: β€œWell, then go ask your manager because I want to buy HALF OF A WATERMELON!”

Now the guy was pretty pissed.

So, I went to the back of the tent and was explaining to my boss, β€œThis ridiculous, stupid man wants to buy only half a watermelon for 4 dollars!”

And then I looked, and the giant was standing right behind me with a very bad face. Eyes blood-red in anger.

So I said very graciously, β€œAnd, this fine gentleman here would like to purchase the other half.”

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Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.

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What is Bob Marley called on a motorbike?

Bob Harley.

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I named my pet goldfish Uranus.

It really keeps my aquarium afloat.

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Noah’s Diary Day 39:

Unicorn pie is delicious!

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So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

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The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, β€œYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, β€œI’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”

But the Pope persists, β€œPlease?”

The driver finally lets up, β€œOh, alright, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: β€œChief, I have a problem.”

Chief: β€œWhat sort of problem?”

Cop: β€œWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it’s someone really important.”

Chief: β€œImportant like the mayor?”

Cop: β€œNo, no, much more important than that.”

Chief: β€œImportant like the governor?”

Cop: β€œWay more important than that.”

Chief: β€œLike the president?”

Cop: β€œMuch more important.”

Chief: β€œWho’s more important than the president?”

Cop: β€œI don’t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”

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Yo momma’s so fat she uses Kamonians as toothpicks.

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Boomer to a Millennial: β€œNothing in life is free.”

Also boomer to a Millennial: β€œThe job doesn’t pay money, but it pays you in experience.”

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Your nose was on time, but you must have been a few minutes late.

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My father asked me how my last hike went.

I told him, β€œIt had its ups and downs.”

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Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says, β€œI tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”

Murphy asks, β€œAve yer got vertigo?”

Paddy replies, β€œNo, I only live round the corner.”

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I bought a life-size 3D model of plankton from SpongeBob.

4 days later I got an empty box full of bubble wrap.

I still don’t know where plankton is.

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Why do people ignore filled donuts?

Because they are just full of themselves.

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What do they have for breakfast in earthquake zones?

Panquakes.

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What do a fine wine and Chelsea F.C. have in common?

They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.

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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Take away its chair.

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Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

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What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps.

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My kids are the sunshine of my life.

Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.

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