What was the skinny scientist so excited about?
He just won the no-belly prize.
😄 😄 😄
If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:
right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.
😄 😄 😄
We’re feeling so blue.
We used to be the Blue Man Group.
😄 😄 😄
How many non-vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer to stay in the dark.
😄 😄 😄
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a Buddhist monk on the other side.
There are no bridges. He has no boat.
He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank, “How do I get to the other side?”
The Buddhist monk shouts back, “You are on the other side!”
😄 😄 😄
Good morning!
May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.
😄 😄 😄
I burned 2000 calories today.
I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ketchup.”
“Ketchup, who?”
“No, you catch a poo!”
😄 😄 😄
The other day my yoga instructor turned up to the class drunk.
I was put in quite an awkward position.
😄 😄 😄
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
😄 😄 😄
What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Yammies.
😄 😄 😄
A woman goes into labor and at the hospital the doctor says, “Through the miracles of science, we’ve invented a new machine that will transfer the pain of childbirth to your husband. Would you be the first couple to try it out?”
So the husband and wife talk about it and agree that it’s only fair that they share the pain together.
They get hooked up to the machine and as she gets further along the husband gets a little skittish and says, “OK, listen, I know this is going to be super painful, so let’s start it at about 3.”
The doctor turns on the machine and before long the husband says, “Wow, this is nothing! Go ahead and turn it to 5.”
A couple more minutes go by, and again he says, “Man, this is easy, let’s go up to 7.”
The husband still sits there calmly and as the baby gets closer he says, “Gee honey, I don’t get what all the fuss is about, this is nothing. You women have been complaining about how horrible this is, but it’s a breeze. Gimme everything.”
So the doctor turns it up all the way.
The woman has the best, most painless delivery ever, and the husband just sits there like a champ with barely a grimace on his face.
Afterward, the doctor interviews them and the man is still in disbelief over how effortless it was and says he’d gladly do it all again, “I barely felt anything, men are so much tougher than women.”
Then, after the woman recovers, they gather their things and take their newborn home with them.
... and find the delivery driver lying dead on the front porch.
😄 😄 😄
A man went to the pet shop to buy a budgie.
“I would like a blue budgie please” he said to the assistant.
“I haven’t got a blue one,” the assistant replied. “I’ll sell you a green one and a tin of paint. You can paint it yourself.”
“OK,” said the man, “that’ll do.”
The next day, the man comes back. The budgie is dead.
“Look at this,” said the man. “It died while I was painting it.”
“That’s odd,” said the assistant, “I’m sure that paint was safe.”
The man replies, “I never got round to painting it. It died when I was burning the old paint off…”
😄 😄 😄
Wishing a happy women’s day to Siri and Alexa...
The only two women who listen to men and do as they say!
😄 😄 😄
An old country gentleman sent his son off to engineering school.
Four years later, upon his son’s return, he asked him what he had learned at college.
The son replied, “Pi r square.”
The dad exclaimed, “You didn’t learn nothin’, boy! Pie are round, bread’s square.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.
😄 😄 😄
A few guys in Spider-Man costumes walked into a bar.
Apparently, they were web designers!
😄 😄 😄
I went out the other day and there was a butterfly wrapped up in a web.
A few days later it had turned into a spider.
Natures amazing.
😄 😄 😄
Why are fat penguins so popular at parties?
They know how to break the ice.
😄 😄 😄
The moon gets a little more chilly in September, time to put on its harvest!
😄 😄 😄
