My girlfriend left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants.
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels.
😄 😄 😄
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
Hogs and kisses.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris was a kid, he entered a pool bombing competition.
This place now widely known as the Niagara Falls.
😄 😄 😄
Good morning, workmate!
Being around you has inspired me... to quit as well as locate a new work!
😄 😄 😄
Why do blueberries get along with everyone?
They’re naturally blue-tiful.
😄 😄 😄
Knick-knack paddywhack, guess what that old man gave his dog?
A bone.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Toast.”
“Toast, who?”
“Toasting to a delicious breakfast!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an elevator filled with rational, intelligent people?
A lift.
😄 😄 😄
A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.
The farmer says, “Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses.”
The policeman says, “Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse’s ass?”
The farmer says, “Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing.”
The policeman says, “Well, that’s a good thing, then.”
The farmer adds, “But it’s hard to fool those circle flies.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did all the planets give the most attention to the sun?
Because the sun is the center of the universe.
😄 😄 😄
I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today.
The box said “WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken”.
I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box...
😄 😄 😄
Dating me is like IKEA furniture.
Not well put together, slightly unstable but just aesthetic enough to show your friends.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short you can swing your legs when you sit on a stool.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve just started to read a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
😄 😄 😄
Why did America fail to save the world from coronavirus?
Thor is in Asgard.
Iron Man died.
Captain is now old.
Hulk doesn’t have much power.
The rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona.
And China ate Spider-Man and Batman.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Goofy feel sad for his calendar?
He heard its days were numbered.
😄 😄 😄
I stopped drinking water while studying chemistry.
My notes say adding water decreases concentration.
😄 😄 😄
I told my coworker I was going to wear a blue shirt to work.
And he said he was going to wear his blue-suit-of-armor.
😄 😄 😄
What happens to corny jokesters who get jailed on April Fools’ Day?
They go to the pun-itentiary.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a Software Engineer with an English teacher?
A programmar.
😄 😄 😄
