When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.
Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.
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Losing a wife can be very tough.
Some may even say impossible.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Anita.”
“Anita, who?”
“Anita piece of that birthday cake!”
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My lucky day! I didn’t have enough money for the Honda, but the dealership took pity on me and gave me an old Fiesta.
I couldn’t afford an Accord, but I was accorded a Ford.
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A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.
So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.
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I suspect the moon wasn’t hungry last night.
It looked full.
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I went to watch Spider-Man playing baseball.
He was great at catching flies.
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What’s a toilet on a Portuguese jetty called?
A porto potty.
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What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don’t know, lettuce sea.
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How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
He was very thinkful.
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What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Plenty of room.
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A boxer was throwing nothing but right hooks at a punching bag.
His trainer walked up and asked, “What gives?”
The boxer replied, “I’m exercising my rights.”
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My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek.
It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.
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Babe, guess what would look good on you?
Me.
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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.
I guess there is life on Mars after all.
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A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence.
He pulls him out and says, “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”
The Mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, “I’m going to make it hard for him.”
He says, “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence. The three words are ‘green’, ‘pink’, and ‘yellow’.”
The Mexican man thinks, then says, “Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez “yellow?”.”
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A senator is visiting a primary school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” the senator says, “that would be an ACCIDENT.”
A girl raises her hand, “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside… that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains the senator. “That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room is silent—none of the other children dare volunteer.
“What?” asks the Senator, “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, Little Johnny in the back raises his hand.
In a timid voice, he says, “If an airplane carrying a senator was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy.”
“Marvelous!” the senator beams. “And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says Johnny, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be any great loss.”
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People treat me like a god.
They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.
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Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he’ll bellowulf at you, then he’ll shakespeare.
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Why do we call the aliens creating the pyramids a conspiracy theory?
It’s obviously a pyramid scheme.
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