A man went to the pet shop to buy a budgie.
“I would like a blue budgie please” he said to the assistant.
“I haven’t got a blue one,” the assistant replied. “I’ll sell you a green one and a tin of paint. You can paint it yourself.”
“OK,” said the man, “that’ll do.”
The next day, the man comes back. The budgie is dead.
“Look at this,” said the man. “It died while I was painting it.”
“That’s odd,” said the assistant, “I’m sure that paint was safe.”
The man replies, “I never got round to painting it. It died when I was burning the old paint off…”
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Wishing a happy women’s day to Siri and Alexa...
The only two women who listen to men and do as they say!
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An old country gentleman sent his son off to engineering school.
Four years later, upon his son’s return, he asked him what he had learned at college.
The son replied, “Pi r square.”
The dad exclaimed, “You didn’t learn nothin’, boy! Pie are round, bread’s square.”
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What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.
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A few guys in Spider-Man costumes walked into a bar.
Apparently, they were web designers!
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I went out the other day and there was a butterfly wrapped up in a web.
A few days later it had turned into a spider.
Natures amazing.
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Why are fat penguins so popular at parties?
They know how to break the ice.
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The moon gets a little more chilly in September, time to put on its harvest!
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What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honey-earth!
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Guess what the only superhero I want to be?
YourMan.
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I named my pet goldfish Uranus.
It really keeps my aquarium afloat.
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What did the chef say to his staff on Labor Day?
“Let’s take a break and cook up some fun!”
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I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren’t gonna work out.
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A good friend of mine—Frank—owns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business.
He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though and is determined to make every post a weiner.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lenny.”
“Lenny, who?”
“Lenny know when you’re done with these April Fools’ Day jokes.”
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I wanted to try my hand at designing my own game on Roblox.
But it was just too blocky for me.
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Which ankle did Spider-Man twist after tripping on the curb?
Ankle Ben.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Halibut.”
“Halibut, who?”
“Halibut lending me five dollars?”
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My favorite planet is Uranus because it’s just so well-rounded.
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Yo Mama is so old she’s got a Bible autographed by Jesus.
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