How did Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
π π π
Why canβt people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?
They canβt handle stares.
π π π
My Millennial son called me for the first time in a year and a half.
I changed the Netflix password.
π π π
Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
Thatβs when I realized my entire life is a joke...
π π π
What kind of shoes do artists wear?
Sketchers.
π π π
I knew a drummer who became a policeman years ago.
Heβs still pounding the beat.
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Girlfriend: βDarling, can I go out in this dress?β
Boyfriend: βYes dear, itβs already dark out.β
π π π
What do you call a Polish fisherman?
A fishing pole.
π π π
Chuck Norris graduated college in one hour.
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What do you call a Polish ape?
Chimpanski.
π π π
Iβm not here to play mind games.
Except brain freeze.
π π π
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a Buddhist monk on the other side.
There are no bridges. He has no boat.
He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank, βHow do I get to the other side?β
The Buddhist monk shouts back, βYou are on the other side!β
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Rise and shine!
Today is a great day to be amazing.
Or at least pretend to be until youβve had your coffee.
π π π
Whatβs the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
π π π
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
Itβs a sad story, but the real victims are their children. Theyβre in for a grueling custardy battle.
π π π
A man calls home to his wife and says, βHoney, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. Weβll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion Iβve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. Weβre leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.β
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, βYes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didnβt you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?β
βI did, theyβre in your tackle box.β
π π π
Did you know George III never even bothered to leave his couch during the American Revolution?
He was sofa king comfortable.
π π π
I saw a subliminal advertising executive...
But only for a second.
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Where do you go on vacation on April 1st?
Niagara Fools.
π π π
I wanted to catch a squirrel, but I didnβt know how.
So, I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
π π π