I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?
Getting a scare-cut!
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What was the full name of Eddie Murphyβs character in Shrek?
Donkey Ho-tay!
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Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
They couldnβt get the moose in the oven!
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Taylor Swiftβs latest song sounds almost exactly like one of Madonnaβs hits from the 80s.
Itβs Borderline plagiarism.
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Why did the bearded man decline the invitation to a charity event?
It was a fund razor.
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Why does the Easter Bunny drink beer?
He loves the hops.
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Itβs your birthday; letβs donuts!
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There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.
Morel of the storey.
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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, βHoney thereβs a witch at the door. What shall I do?β
She shouted back, βJust give her some candy and tell her to get lost.β
My mother-in-law hasnβt spoken to me since.
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A child asked his father, βHow were people born?β
So his father said, βAdam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.β
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, βWe were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.β
The child ran back to his father and said, βYou lied to me!β
His father replied, βNo, your mom was talking about her side of the family.β
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Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
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How are pandas made?
You punch a polar bear in the eyes.
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An astronaut and an alien walk into a bar...
S p a c e b a r.
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What happened to the man who drove to Vegas in a $25,000 Chevy?
He came home in a $250,000 vehicleβa greyhound bus.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βCandice.β
βCandice, who?β
βCandice be the birthday cake? Iβm starving!β
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I went out the other day and there was a butterfly wrapped up in a web.
A few days later it had turned into a spider.
Natures amazing.
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Whatβs a Christianβs favorite flower?
Jesus Rose.
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What do you call a Polish ape?
Chimpanski.
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
βHoly cow, Mister,β one of them said after catching his breath, βYou scared us half to deathβwe thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?β
βThose fools!β the old man grumbled. βThey misspelled my name!β
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Johnny was a preschool student who did not know grammar or math very well.
While in class, his teacher asked, βWhatβs 2+2?β
Johnny answered, βI four-get.β
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