Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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People have become very naughty on WhatsApp.
Even married women have put their status as AVAILABLE.
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What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day?
Lazy bones.
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Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
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Guess what monkeys eat in space?
Space bananas!
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Whatβs a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
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A man went to the pet shop to buy a budgie.
βI would like a blue budgie pleaseβ he said to the assistant.
βI havenβt got a blue one,β the assistant replied. βIβll sell you a green one and a tin of paint. You can paint it yourself.β
βOK,β said the man, βthatβll do.β
The next day, the man comes back. The budgie is dead.
βLook at this,β said the man. βIt died while I was painting it.β
βThatβs odd,β said the assistant, βIβm sure that paint was safe.β
The man replies, βI never got round to painting it. It died when I was burning the old paint offβ¦β
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The reason the girl hated mushrooms is because they were too mushy.
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Where do you keep your badge at a Star Trek convention?
On a Lanyard Nimoy.
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What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
βDear me, it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantity to impair my speech.β
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I love all these new Forsaken quests.
Theyβre really jaw-dropping.
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I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
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A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.
Itβs quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.
He hears a soft voice: βNice tie.β
He looks around, but he doesnβt see anyone.
The voice speaks again: βGreat haircut.β A few moments later: βCongratulations on your promotion.β
He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.
The bartender says, βThatβs the pretzels, theyβre complimentary.β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βDonut.β
βDonut, who?β
βDonut ask, itβs a secret!β
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What do you call it when you canβt stop looking at Pinterest on your phone?
Pin-diction.
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Did you hear that Spider-Man is in trouble with the law?
They caught him on the web looking for Mary-Jane.
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Me: βI have a Zoom meeting later.β
My cat: βOh, me too.β
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him, βIβm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!β
The driver agrees, βYouβre right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I donβt know anything about science, I could giveΒ the conference in your place.β
βThatβs a great idea!β says Einstein. βLetβs switch places then!β
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wonβt be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.
The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says, βSir, your question is so easy to answer that Iβm going to let my driver reply to it for me.β
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iPhone users, donβt bother sending the Meteor emoji to your Android friends.
It wonβt have the same impact.
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Yo mama so tall she uses the Empire State Building as a toothpick.
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