A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before leaving on vacation and requests a $5,000 loan.
“Okay, miss, is there anything you’d like to use as collateral?” the banker inquires.
The lady says, “Of course, yes. I’ll drive in my Rolls Royce.”
Stunned, the banker inquires, “A Rolls Royce for $250,000? Really?”
The woman is completely positive. As the bankers and loan officers laugh at her, she hands over the keys. They check her credentials to ensure she is the rightful owner of the title. Everything is in order. They keep it for two weeks in their underground garage.
When she returns, she repays the $5,000 loan plus the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we appreciate your business, but I have one question. We looked you up and discovered you are a multi-millionaire. What makes you think you need $5,000?”
“Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?” the woman responds.
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It’s so hot that my popcorn seeds start popping.
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What’s the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night?
Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
Horror night is...
When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.
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A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”
She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.
At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
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How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?
Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
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I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...
I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.
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What do you call pandas on April 1st?
Bamboo-zler!
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Why is a German stone intelligent?
Because it’s not just a stone, it’s ein Stein.
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What is Tiger Woods’ spirit animal?
I don’t know, but his wife said he was a cheetah.
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The insects that smell the best are deodor-ants.
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Why don’t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?
Because they can’t find the number eleven on their phone.
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It was so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
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I tried to organize my life like Pinterest.
But it ended up looking more like a messy DIY project.
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Your forehead is so big that the teachers use it as a whiteboard.
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Pessimists are like German vegetarians.
They fear the wurst.
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The attorney kept trying to sue the car dealership over their faulty vehicles.
It was a case of lemon-law.
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What’s the hardest part of the roofing business?
The overhead.
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Johnny tried to buy a toy car with Monopoly money at the store.
The cashier said, “There’s no way I can take this. It’s fake.”
Johnny said, “Well, the car’s not real either.”
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Yo momma’s so fat Yoda couldn’t use the Force to move her.
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How are pandas made?
You punch a polar bear in the eyes.
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