Two elderly farmers were reminiscing about the good old days.
“When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day, and still be on my property,” says the Texas farmer.
The old farmer from Kentucky said, “Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... You should have got a Ford, hell. They’ll get ya all the way ta town and back!”
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It was so cold that the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
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Why are beards so polite?
Because they’re well-groomed.
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If your wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it’s a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
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I can row a boat.
Canoe?
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Last time I went fishing, I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don’t quite remember the rest of the day.
All I really know is that I pulled a mussel.
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What do you find out after reading a biography of Michael Jackson?
That he had a colored past.
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Went to a pancake restaurant, and asked if my dinner would be long.
The waiter replied, “No, sir, round.”
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Officer: “Do you know why I stopped you?”
Blonde: “Because I didn’t pull out of the donut shop too fast?”
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What do you call a dog in August?
A hot dog.
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Perfume is a very logical business.
It always makes scents.
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When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
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Why did the cool roofer stop hanging out with his friends?
He realized they were squares.
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A young cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.
At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said, “I’m anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That’s my wife’s mother over there.”
“Don’t be silly,” said the wicketkeeper. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
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My daughter was so angry with me when I told her I got her piano lessons.
That’s when I found out she was prone to violins.
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I just saw that Harry Potter film. I think it’s a bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? How?
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Why did the astronaut go to therapy with Uranus?
It had too many emotional craters.
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Where does the moon go to get its qualifications?
Moon-iversity!
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What did dad say when he got a universal remote for Father’s Day?
This changes everything!
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