You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe beside you, and you’re being chased by a lion. What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel!
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Yo momma’s so hairy when she went to the movie theater to see Star Wars, everybody screamed and said “IT’S CHEWBACCA!”.
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My wife and I share a sense of humor.
We have to because she doesn’t have one.
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Two men—one a brunette and the other a blonde—were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.
The brunette guy says, “What works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.”
The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks – with no luck.
He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.
The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, “You dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!”
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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
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A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!”
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, “Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”
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Your ears are so big your parents put you on the roof to see which way the wind is blowing.
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What do you say to a stressed snowman?
Chill out!
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My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She just drinks straight out of the bottle.
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How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?
All of them, evidently.
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My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told them to pipe down.
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Why shouldn’t you iron a 4 leaf clover?
You don’t want to press your luck!
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What is the 7th pin in bowling called?
Mother-In-Law!
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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
I’m feeling canneloni right now.
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My commute to work today was just awful!
Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.
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It’s so hot that you can tell who has plastic surgery.
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Working from home is making me go to the kitchen more often than usual.
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Why was the jack-o’-lantern afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts.
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My crush told me, “Come over, no ones home.”
I went over... no one was home.
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I got the book “Internet Forums for Dummies” from a friend.
But I need to take it back, because I already Reddit.
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