I met a girl last night and after so flirting asked her if she wanted to come home with me to play “Doctor”.
So when we got to my place, I left her sitting on my couch with a bunch of outdated magazines on the end table for 2 1/2 hours before I came out of my bedroom.
😄 😄 😄
There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. What do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Witches.”
“Witches, who?”
“Witches the best way out of this neighborhood?”
😄 😄 😄
What would you call a cute and sassy donut?
Glazing adoughrable.
😄 😄 😄
You might be a civil engineer if you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they did not get enough sleep.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so hairy when she auditioned for Planet of the Apes they made her pack leader.
😄 😄 😄
Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, it’s going to end in a mess.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris once saw Spider-Man on a wall and then folded his newspaper.
😄 😄 😄
Harry Styles’ birthday is coming up.
And I’m so Styles-ed for it.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t two ghosts make out?
They go right through each other.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
😄 😄 😄
How did the barber win the bike race?
He took a short cut.
😄 😄 😄
On 4 July, what do you get when you put a photo of America in a locket?
Then it becomes in-da-pendant.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?
The Deli Llama.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t we inhabit Uranus?
That place is a Gas Hole.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
😄 😄 😄
This is ridiculous. It’s July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.
One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.
😄 😄 😄
Guess why football stadiums are so cool?
Most seats have a fan on them!
😄 😄 😄
You look awfully familiar.
Don’t I know you from yesterday?
😄 😄 😄
You’re so fat the only thing to compare you to is an elephant.
😄 😄 😄
