Best Jokes (4)



I’m out of bed and I made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?

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If you encounter a polar bear in the wild, lie down and pretend that you’re dead.

It’s good practice for when you’ll be really dead, five minutes later.

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Why do eggs like April Fools’ Day?

They love practical yolks.

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β€œOur face is kinda similar to a planet…”

β€œOh yeah. Which one?”

β€œUranus.”

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My life is like an overproduced comic book series.

It’s just one issue after another, and the plot doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

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What’s the nickname for someone who put their right hand in the mouth of a T-Rex?

Lefty.

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I put all my Harry Styles CDs in chronological order.

I’ve got a one-track mind.

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A man walks into a petrol station and says, β€œCan I please have a KitKat Chunky?”

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

β€œNo,” says the man, β€œI wanted a normal KitKat, fatty.”

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I didn’t get accepted to Oxford.

I got all of my commas from the University of Phoenix.

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What does a squirrel wear on its feet?

Cashews.

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I threw away my can opener.

It was more of a can’t opener.

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How does Tom Brady have a bad haircut before every game?

He always asks for the Super β€œBowl Cut”.

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You’re so observant, would you like me to pat you on your back?

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Which city in Ohio has the best bakery?

Toledough.

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Our cardboard spaceship will be great! Just use your i-moon-gination!

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Yo mama’s so fat that even the Death Star couldn’t blow her up!

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A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

β€œWhat are you?” asks the cat.

β€œI’m a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature are you?”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, β€œI guess I’m a gnome.”

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My calculator stopped working mid-way through my exam.

I can’t count on it anymore.

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I didn’t wear my glasses to the party because I wanted to make a spectacle of myself.

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What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?

A pumpkin patch.

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