A lumber camp is looking for a lumberjack.
The next day, a skinny person arrives at the camp with an axe. The head lumberjack looks at the little small guy and instructs him to go away.
“Give me a chance to show you what I’m capable of,” the skinny guy pleads.
“See that massive redwood over there?” asks the head lumberjack. “Cut it down with your axe.”
The man runs towards the tree, and in five minutes he’s at the lumberjack’s door.
“I cut the tree down,” the man says.
“Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?” asks the lumberjack, who can’t believe his eyes.
“In the Sahara Forest,” the small man adds.
“You are referring to the Sahara Desert,” says the lumberjack after interrupting him.
“Sure! That’s what they’re calling it these days!”
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Your mama so hot when Electra and Haspiel saw her, they burned to death.
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The other night, I overheard three very hefty women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked, “Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?”
One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, Wales, you bloody idiot!”
So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?”
And that’s the last thing I remember.
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My therapist says I’m narcissistic.
How can someone who’s perfect be narcissistic?
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What is the propeller used for on an airplane?
Many people do not know this, but is actually for air conditioning.
If you ever get to see it when the propeller stops, the pilot suddenly starts sweating.
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What city is the feminist capital of the world?
Manhatin’.
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Your boyfriend doesn’t get your fruit puns?
You got to let that mango.
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What do you call a Catholic priest who became a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
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I had an interview for a party supplies store where I had to inflate a balloon as a test.
I blew it.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive...
But only for a second.
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What does a person obsessed with IKEA suffer from?
Stock-home Syndrome.
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I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining.
He just couldn’t find a role he could sink his teeth into.
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My girlfriend asked me if hot dogs were good for her diet.
I replied, “They’re not the wurst.”
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New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.
The manager told him, “Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:
If they say how much are the mangoes, you say “$5 a kilo”.
If they ask if they’re ripe, you say “Some are, some aren’t”.
If they say they don’t want to buy, you shrug and say “If you don’t, someone else will”.”
After many attempts using hand gestures, he is satisfied that Con gets it. So he leaves Con alone to see how he goes on his first day.
The first customer comes in and asks how much the mangoes are.
He says, “Five-a dolla per-a kilo.”
The guy asks if they are ripe.
He says, “Summa dey are, Summa dey aren’t.”
He says maybe next time.
So Con shrugs and tells him, as instructed, “If you-a don’t, summabody else will.”
The guy shakes his head and leaves.
Later, another customer comes in.
He asks Con for the time.
Con replies, “Five-a dolla per-a kilo.”
The guy looks very confused, stares at Con for a few seconds, and then asks him, “Is your whole family crazy like you are?”
Con shakes his head and replies, “Summa dey are, Summa dey aren’t.”
The guy is getting pretty angry by now, thinking Con is playing with him.
The guy says, “So, do you want me to punch you in the face right now?!”
Con shrugs again and says, “If you-a don’t, summabody else will.”
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Where did the Pilgrims stand after landing on Plymouth Rock?
On their feet.
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When does a farmer dance?
When he drops the beet.
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What is the difference between a Chelsea fan and a Battery?
A battery has a positive side.
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If you’re working on a desktop or laptop, make sure to put on a mask.
You wouldn’t want to catch one of those computer viruses.
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What did the fungi say when he was offered seconds at dinner?
“No thanks. I don’t have mush-room left in my stomach.”
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