A male driver is pulled over by a cop.
Man: “What’s the problem, officer?”
Cop: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you were going 80.”
Cop: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”
Cop: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”
Man: “Shut your mouth, woman!”
Cop: “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?”
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”
😄 😄 😄
I hope they never ban algebra.
Think of the aftermath!
😄 😄 😄
A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, “You think maybe we should have just said “Bridge Out” instead?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did Helen Keller’s husband often become upset with her?
Because she just didn’t listen.
😄 😄 😄
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approaches him and beats him up.
Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station.
Herman walks into the Sergeant’s office.
“What happened to you? the officer asks.
“A gang of snails beat me up,” Herman replied.
“Can you describe what they looked like?”
“I don’t know,” the sloth says. “It all happened so fast.”
😄 😄 😄
A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions.
So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd.
😄 😄 😄
Guy 1: “Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.”
Guy 2: “And since when is Mike your best friend?”
Guy 1: “Yesterday.”
😄 😄 😄
How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?
Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.
😄 😄 😄
A Korean martial artist was giving away chocolate bars.
I asked if I could have 2.
He said, “No, you can taek-won-do.”
😄 😄 😄
A dragon would never explode.
But a dino might.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Chewbacca get sent back down to play minor league baseball?
He was making too many Wookiee mistakes.
😄 😄 😄
How do you organize a party for the moon?
You just planet!
😄 😄 😄
Guess what kind of hike I went on today?
I hiked my pants.
😄 😄 😄
What dinosaur would Harry Potter be?
The Dinosorcerer.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man became a vigilante.
Meanwhile, Aunt May became a vigil auntie.
😄 😄 😄
What did the basketball player who loved donuts say after the match?
Let’s go to Dunkin’ Donuts for the hole food protein!
😄 😄 😄
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
😄 😄 😄
You so dumb you tried to put a key in your computer’s keyboard.
😄 😄 😄
