Best Jokes (4)



I told my wife I was going to do stand-up comedy.

She said, โ€œYouโ€™re joking.โ€

I said, โ€œI told you I was good.โ€

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Last year on Motherโ€™s Day we had a big family get-together.

Afterwards my Mom starting getting ready to do the dishes.

Of course I couldnโ€™t let her do that on her special day.

I said, โ€œLeave the dishes, Mom. You can always do them tomorrow.โ€

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Itโ€™s hotter than a Jamaican monkeyโ€™s butt.

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Itโ€™s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.

He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.

He responds, โ€œNo, the seatโ€™s empty.โ€

The first man exclaims, โ€œWhat?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?โ€

The neighbor responds, โ€œWell the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we havenโ€™t been together.โ€

The first man responds,โ€ Iโ€™m sorry to hear that. Wasnโ€™t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that couldโ€™ve taken that seat?โ€

The neighbor responds, โ€œNo, theyโ€™re all at the funeral.โ€

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Iโ€™ve decided that from January 1st, Iโ€™m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

Itโ€™s my New Yearโ€™s resolution.

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I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I donโ€™t think she likes them.

She said thatโ€™s gross.

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A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims, โ€œI canโ€™t believe itโ€™s not Buddha!โ€

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Why do Pokรฉmons like to eat sunflower seeds?

Because they like to pick and chew.

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What do you get when you put an Undead in a bath?

Soup.

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Watching the first presidential debate was like watching two people who shouldnโ€™t play with legos argue.

One acted like he was under 4 years old and the other acted like he was over 99.

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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, โ€œWhoโ€™s first?โ€

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A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock.

About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her heโ€™s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.

โ€œWhat?! I dunno buddy, call the damn Coast Guard!โ€ and he slams the phone down.

He goes to the living room and resumes reading the newspaper.

His wife looks over at him nervously and asks what the call was about, and the husband replies โ€œPfft, some moron calling to ask if the coast is clear.โ€

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Why did the accountant do so well in AA?

He was already aย friend of bills.

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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

โ€œDoctor, I just canโ€™t get to sleep at night,โ€ he says.

โ€œHave you tried counting sheep?โ€ inquires the doctor.

โ€œThatโ€™s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.โ€

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Why do Troy State students have such beautiful noses?

Theyโ€™re hand picked.

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What do you call a Puerto Rican dish thatโ€™s not spicy?

A mistake.

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Iโ€™m an annoying on the outside, but Iโ€™m like an onion.

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying.

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The only clan thing you find in a well cleaned big nose is fingerprints.

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What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?

A six-foot toothbrush.

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Good morning!

Today is a good day to have a good day, especially if you've had your coffee.

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