What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?
I come in pieces.
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Yo mama so dumb when she got locked in a grocery store she starved to death.
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What kind of monkey doesn’t eat bananas?
An orangutan.
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What’s the most common operation in a Lego hospital?
Plastic surgery.
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Are you from Paris?
Because Eiffel for you.
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What did Santa get the day after Christmas?
Diabetes.
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Unpaid interns are like slaves.
No pay, they just get experience in the field.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Mikey.”
“Mikey, who?”
“Mikey doesn’t work, can you let me in?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lenny.”
“Lenny, who?”
“Lenny know when you’re done with these April Fools’ Day jokes.”
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“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
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How can you tell a boy dragon from a girl dragon?
Fireballs.
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Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.
I hate Bounty Hunters.
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In honor of St. Patrick’s day, I’m here to tell you everything I know about leprechauns.
Very little.
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Why did the Mallard fail as a comic?
His humor was too fowl.
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Marriage is love.
Love is blind.
Marriage is an institution.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
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I’m out of bed and I made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?
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What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
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Why did the carpenter take time off on Labor Day?
He needed to hammer out his vacation plans.
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A man called 911 regarding a fly problem.
They sent a SWAT team.
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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
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