Best Jokes (4)



I’m going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour.

It will be called, Tailor Swift.

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The sun and moon walked into a coffee shop.

Sun: β€œOh man, I forgot my wallet!”

Moon: β€œDon’t worry, I’ll cover you.”

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My New Year’s resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!

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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?

Rob.

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A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.

After a while of, the doctor asks: β€œWhat do you do for a living?”

β€œI’m an archeologist,” she answers.

The doctor responds: β€œThen I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”

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My twin brothers dressed up as a bird this Halloween, guess what they said?

Trick or tweet.

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I told my dog to stop pinning pictures of bones on Pinterest.

He just can’t resist the temptation to paws and pin.

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A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes, β€œI have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane,” he explained, β€œand although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort.”

Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane.

β€œHow come you changed your theory?” he asked.

β€œOh, I didn’t change my theory, it’s just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb.”

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Paddy has just correctly answered the Β£500,000 question on β€œWho Wants To Be a Millionaire”.

He has only one question standing between him and the Β£1m jackpot.

Presenter: β€œWhich of these birds does not live in a nest?

A) Thrush

B) Kestrel

C) Blue Tit

D) Cuckoo”

Paddy has one lifeline left – phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub.

Murphy agrees and immediately shouts, β€œIt’s a cuckoo!”

Paddy goes with that answer and wins the jackpot.

That evening, Paddy was round at Murphy’s bar celebrating.

He turns to Murphy and says, β€œMurphy, how did you know that cuckoos don’t live in a nest?”

Murphy answers, β€œThat’s the easiest question you could have had! Everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!”

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The student asked the teacher, β€œCashew a question?”

And the teacher replied, β€œNut now”.

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When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing stand-up in a comedy club and no one’s laughing now.

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A parent gave her kid some sound advice before going to accounting school:

Study hard, so you can be audit you can be.

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β€œWhat’s the difference between curtains and toilet paper?”

β€œI don’t know.”

β€œSo it was you!”

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Why is the Elf on the Shelf’s favorite school subject?

Spilling.

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Who came after Augustus?

Septembrus.

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How do alcoholics spend their long weekend off work?

By giving their liver a workout.

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Dad: β€œMy first son has a PhD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and journalism and my youngest son is a burglar.”

Friend: β€œWow, a burglar? You should kick him out!”

Dad: β€œNah… he is the only one who makes money.”

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Your hairline goes back to when Adam and Eve were born.

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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

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When Chuck Norris tells a joke about Will Smith’s wife, Will Smith slaps himself.

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