I started working at a watermelon street market booth. My first customer was I guy really big. Seriously built, kind of like The Rock but taller.
He asks, “How much for the watermelon?”
Me: “8 dollars.”
Guy: “Okay, I want half. Here’s $4.”
Me: “Sir, we only sell entire watermelons. For 8 bucks.”
Guy: “I am telling you that I want half.”
The guy was getting angry.
Me: “Sir, let me repeat. We only sell entire watermelons for 8 each.”
Guy: “Well, then go ask your manager because I want to buy HALF OF A WATERMELON!”
Now the guy was pretty pissed.
So, I went to the back of the tent and was explaining to my boss, “This ridiculous, stupid man wants to buy only half a watermelon for 4 dollars!”
And then I looked, and the giant was standing right behind me with a very bad face. Eyes blood-red in anger.
So I said very graciously, “And, this fine gentleman here would like to purchase the other half.”
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Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.
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What is Bob Marley called on a motorbike?
Bob Harley.
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I named my pet goldfish Uranus.
It really keeps my aquarium afloat.
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Noah’s Diary Day 39:
Unicorn pie is delicious!
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So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck.
Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
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The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”
But the Pope persists, “Please?”
The driver finally lets up, “Oh, alright, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.
A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.
Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: “Chief, I have a problem.”
Chief: “What sort of problem?”
Cop: “Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it’s someone really important.”
Chief: “Important like the mayor?”
Cop: “No, no, much more important than that.”
Chief: “Important like the governor?”
Cop: “Way more important than that.”
Chief: “Like the president?”
Cop: “Much more important.”
Chief: “Who’s more important than the president?”
Cop: “I don’t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”
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Yo momma’s so fat she uses Kamonians as toothpicks.
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Boomer to a Millennial: “Nothing in life is free.”
Also boomer to a Millennial: “The job doesn’t pay money, but it pays you in experience.”
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Your nose was on time, but you must have been a few minutes late.
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My father asked me how my last hike went.
I told him, “It had its ups and downs.”
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Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy and says, “I tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”
Murphy asks, “Ave yer got vertigo?”
Paddy replies, “No, I only live round the corner.”
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I bought a life-size 3D model of plankton from SpongeBob.
4 days later I got an empty box full of bubble wrap.
I still don’t know where plankton is.
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Why do people ignore filled donuts?
Because they are just full of themselves.
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What do they have for breakfast in earthquake zones?
Panquakes.
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What do a fine wine and Chelsea F.C. have in common?
They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.
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How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take away its chair.
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Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
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What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
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My kids are the sunshine of my life.
Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.
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