What do you call a guy who’s laying down in front of a door?
Matt.
😄 😄 😄
On Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy...
Getting up off the floor is another story.
😄 😄 😄
What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?
“Easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.”
😄 😄 😄
Get up, your coffee needs you.
😄 😄 😄
What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?
Both demand you respect them, but don’t want to follow the same rules as you.
😄 😄 😄
One day you can be a morning person, but today is not that day.
It’s the afternoon.
😄 😄 😄
They say Uranus is a real gas giant…
And I have to agree!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun look like Antarctica.
😄 😄 😄
Yo sister so fat she has two watches, one for each time zone she’s in.
😄 😄 😄
Why do elves laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
😄 😄 😄
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
😄 😄 😄
40 is when you finally get your head together...
And your body has other ideas.
😄 😄 😄
A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview.
The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.
The first one asks, “Who do you think the best soccer player in the world is?”
The smart guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.
The second interviewer asks, “When did the phone come out?”
The smart guy replies, “The first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Do you believe in UFOs?”
The smart guy replies, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers, and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.
Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasn’t that bright so the first one asked, “Who is your father?”
The dumb guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.”
The second interview asks, “When were you born?”
He replied, “I came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Are you dumb?”
The dumb guy says, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sleep walking Nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic.
😄 😄 😄
Paddy and Murphy are in a dark cave.
Paddy says, “It’s too dark. Do you have a match?”
Murphy hands Paddy a match, which Paddy strikes against the wall, but nothing happens. He strikes the match again, but again nothing.
Paddy says to Murphy, “This match doesn’t work.”
“That’s strange,” says Murphy. “It worked earlier.”
😄 😄 😄
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day?
92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”
Student: “My father’s checkbook.”
😄 😄 😄
I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet.
After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff.
But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
😄 😄 😄
The reason that no one has returned to the moon for so long is that every time someone tries to book a hotel there, it’s full...
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t astronauts eat popsicles?
In space, no one can hear the ice cream truck.
😄 😄 😄
