What kind of monkey doesn’t eat bananas?
An orangutan.
😄 😄 😄
I promised my new girlfriend the sun, the moon and the stars...
So, I took her to the planetarium.
😄 😄 😄
Coding Rules:
• If it’s working, don’t touch it.
• Bad code can’t be debugged. Neither can good code.
• If you don’t know something, Google it.
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What do Saiyans wear to the beach?
Trunks.
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What sort of room can you eat?
A mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a blues concert dressed in all black.
I guess I wasn’t feeling very blues-sympathetic.
😄 😄 😄
A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.
He presumes, because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, “We love to fly and it shows.”
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, “Winning the hearts of the world.”
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, “Going beyond expectations.”
The woman looks at him wearily and says, “What the heck do you WANT, moron?”
“Ah!” he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, “American Airlines!”
😄 😄 😄
Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realized my entire life is a joke...
😄 😄 😄
Why are two medians in a single data set funny?
Because it’s a co-median.
😄 😄 😄
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”, he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma’s so black when she turned to the dark side the Sith became Jedis.
😄 😄 😄
When my mother died, all my father said was “cough, fatigue, fever”.
He’s a man of flu words.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a physician and a preschool teacher?
One has a job with patients, the other has the patience of job.
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a bar...
His alcoholism is destroying his family.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Pluto have to go to the dentist?
Because he spotted some black holes.
😄 😄 😄
What is a bad bowler’s favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving because they finally get a turkey.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the unlucky bearded man shave?
Because fortune favors the shave!
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Europe.”
“Europe, who?”
“No, YOU’RE a poo!”
😄 😄 😄
life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
It’s more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.
😄 😄 😄
