The inventor of the Oxford comma has died.
Tributes have been led by J. K. Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the sun not go to college?
Because it already has a million degrees!
๐ ๐ ๐
I just got a job at a pharmacy. The pay isnโt great...
But the percs are amazing!
๐ ๐ ๐
A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.
โHello mate,โ says St. Peter, โIโm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven.โ
โWhat?โ Exclaims the man, astonished.
St. Peter: โYou heard, no Man Utd fans.โ
โBut, but, but, Iโve been a good man,โ replies the Man Utd supporter.
โOh really,โ says St. Peter. โWhat have you done, then?โ
โWell,โ said the guy, โThree weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.โ
โOh,โ says St. Peter. โAnything else?โ
โWell, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.โ
โHmmm. Anything else?โ
โYeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.โ
โOkay,โ said St. Peter, โYou wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.โ
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, โIโve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Hereโs your thirty quid back, now screw off.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Do you know that Albert Einsteinโs birthday was on Pi Day i.e., March 14, 1879?
Perhaps he served pie for his birthday instead of cake.
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs a planetโs favorite keyboard key?
The space bar!
๐ ๐ ๐
A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.
Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him, โWhy the long face?โ
The salesman replied, โI failed in Saudi Arabia. The campaign was a total failure.โ
โWhy is that?โ asked the friend. โI thought you had a good campaign running.โ
โWell, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the Saudis. But I had a problemโI didnโt speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhaustion; he has fainted.
Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.
I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldnโt go anywhere without seeing them.โ
โTerrific! That should have worked!โ said the friend.
โIt should have,โ sighed the salesman. โOnly no one told me they read from right to leftโฆโ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do the Ohio State Buckeyes eat cereal straight from the box?
They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did Uranus get kicked out of the library?
It was talking too much gas-babble.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the blueberry muffin crumble?
It fell to pieces under pressure!
๐ ๐ ๐
I asked my aging father why he doesnโt have life insurance.
โBecause, son, I want you to be truly sad when I die.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call Harry Styles without any hair?
Niall-fied.
๐ ๐ ๐
What did the avocado do at the wedding?
Make a toast.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a rapper that smells nice?
Post Cologne.
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs the most common operation in a Lego hospital?
Plastic surgery.
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife complains that I donโt buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didnโt know she sold flowers.
๐ ๐ ๐
The bed-and-breakfast was owned by a little old lady who would cook the most amazing biscuits for breakfast every morning.
The guy loved these biscuits so much that he would eat five or six every morning, and he even extended his stay at the bed-and-breakfast just so he could eat more of these amazing biscuits.
Finally, after a few weeks he decided to ask her, โMaโam, these are the most amazing biscuits I have ever eaten in my life. How do you make them taste so good?โ
The little old lady smiled and said, โItโs nothing really. All I do is mix about 2 cups of flour with one teaspoon of sugar, one tablespoon of baking powder, and three mouthfuls of buttermilk.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man has been drinking alone in a pub all day and checks his watch.
โ1:30 a.m.! I need to get home now or my wife will rip my balls off,โ he tells himself. But as he tries to stand, he stumbles to the floor.
โIโm just way too drunk right now, and I need to sober up.โ
So he asks the bartender for a coffee, drinks it, and 30 minutes later tries to stand up, but falls to the floor again, this time harder.
At this time, he understands he has no choice but to return home, so he begins crawling toward his house.
He arrives after 40 minutes, lays down next to his (asleep) wife, and passes out.
The next morning, his wife wakes him up and asks, โSo... how was last night, huh?โ Was it fun to drink all day?โ
The man is certain his wife was asleep when he arrived home, so he plays it cool, โNot really, just hanging out with some coworkers.We didnโt drink much, just a couple of beers.โ
The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, โThe bar owner called this morning, your wheelchairโs there, you idiot.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Your mamaโs so short you can make a life-size sculpture of her using one can of Play-Doh.
๐ ๐ ๐