I’m going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour.
It will be called, Tailor Swift.
😄 😄 😄
The sun and moon walked into a coffee shop.
Sun: “Oh man, I forgot my wallet!”
Moon: “Don’t worry, I’ll cover you.”
😄 😄 😄
My New Year’s resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!
I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?
Rob.
😄 😄 😄
A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.
After a while of, the doctor asks: “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an archeologist,” she answers.
The doctor responds: “Then I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”
😄 😄 😄
My twin brothers dressed up as a bird this Halloween, guess what they said?
Trick or tweet.
😄 😄 😄
I told my dog to stop pinning pictures of bones on Pinterest.
He just can’t resist the temptation to paws and pin.
😄 😄 😄
A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes, “I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane,” he explained, “and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort.”
Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane.
“How come you changed your theory?” he asked.
“Oh, I didn’t change my theory, it’s just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb.”
😄 😄 😄
Paddy has just correctly answered the £500,000 question on “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire”.
He has only one question standing between him and the £1m jackpot.
Presenter: “Which of these birds does not live in a nest?
A) Thrush
B) Kestrel
C) Blue Tit
D) Cuckoo”
Paddy has one lifeline left – phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub.
Murphy agrees and immediately shouts, “It’s a cuckoo!”
Paddy goes with that answer and wins the jackpot.
That evening, Paddy was round at Murphy’s bar celebrating.
He turns to Murphy and says, “Murphy, how did you know that cuckoos don’t live in a nest?”
Murphy answers, “That’s the easiest question you could have had! Everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!”
😄 😄 😄
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”
And the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
😄 😄 😄
When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.
Well, I got a job doing stand-up in a comedy club and no one’s laughing now.
😄 😄 😄
A parent gave her kid some sound advice before going to accounting school:
Study hard, so you can be audit you can be.
😄 😄 😄
“What’s the difference between curtains and toilet paper?”
“I don’t know.”
“So it was you!”
😄 😄 😄
Why is the Elf on the Shelf’s favorite school subject?
Spilling.
😄 😄 😄
Who came after Augustus?
Septembrus.
😄 😄 😄
How do alcoholics spend their long weekend off work?
By giving their liver a workout.
😄 😄 😄
Dad: “My first son has a PhD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and journalism and my youngest son is a burglar.”
Friend: “Wow, a burglar? You should kick him out!”
Dad: “Nah… he is the only one who makes money.”
😄 😄 😄
Your hairline goes back to when Adam and Eve were born.
😄 😄 😄
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris tells a joke about Will Smith’s wife, Will Smith slaps himself.
😄 😄 😄
