Why can’t Christmas trees knit?
Because they lose their needles.
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When my mother died, all my father said was “cough, fatigue, fever”.
He’s a man of flu words.
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What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?
An ambulance!
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
Your face is going to meet my shoe.
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How many autistics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. But it will take about two hours while they give you an excruciatingly detailed info dump about the history and technical details of various forms of electric lighting.
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Yo mom so stupid she starved an illithid.
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Why did the police officers arrest the blue crayon?
Because it was in the blue.
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Can February march?
No, but April may.
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Lava is the hipster of the geology community.
It knew how to rock before it was cool.
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Why can’t polar bears eat penguins?
They can’t get the wrappers off them.
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What does the light bulb say when it’s being unscrewed?
“I’m feeling delighted...”
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My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.
I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.
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Unpaid interns are like slaves.
No pay, they just get experience in the field.
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I hear that Uranus just floats around in space. Can you explain that?
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“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
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Sunday school teacher: “Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”
Johnny: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”
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A man went to the doctor and said, “I think I am upside down.”
When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, “Because my feet smell and my nose runs.”
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How do camels hide from predators?
Camel-flage.
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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh!” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man, hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well, no, but... it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
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What did a brick say to a wall?
“I’ve got your back!”
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