I told my boss I was feeling blue, so he painted my office the color of the ocean. Now I’m working in a sea of tranquility.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what kind of hike I went on today?
I hiked my pants.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Start off with a big fortune!
😄 😄 😄
A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, “Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?”
The Harvard student replies, “At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.”
The kid said, “Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?”
😄 😄 😄
What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?
Grave-y!
😄 😄 😄
My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!
It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
😄 😄 😄
I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?
Ugly.
😄 😄 😄
Son: “Hey dad, can you guess what is worse than no moon?”
Dad: “No sun?”
Son: “You don’t even want to take a guess?”
Dad: “No sun!”
Son: “You’re so stubborn, the answer is no sun.”
😄 😄 😄
A bard walks up to a bored leprechaun. How many tunes should the bard play?
Fortunes.
😄 😄 😄
A marvelous morning to you, my friend.
You are someone who never quits, mainly because you never start.
😄 😄 😄
There are two ways of waking up in the morning.
One is to say, “Good morning, God,”
And the other is to say, “Good God, morning!”
😄 😄 😄
It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
😄 😄 😄
Why should you always knock on the fridge door before opening it?
In case there’s a salad dressing.
😄 😄 😄
I told my wife I was going to do stand-up comedy.
She said, “You’re joking.”
I said, “I told you I was good.”
😄 😄 😄
Last year on Mother’s Day we had a big family get-together.
Afterwards my Mom starting getting ready to do the dishes.
Of course I couldn’t let her do that on her special day.
I said, “Leave the dishes, Mom. You can always do them tomorrow.”
😄 😄 😄
It’s hotter than a Jamaican monkey’s butt.
😄 😄 😄
It’s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.
He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.
He responds, “No, the seat’s empty.”
The first man exclaims, “What?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?”
The neighbor responds, “Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven’t been together.”
The first man responds,” I’m sorry to hear that. Wasn’t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could’ve taken that seat?”
The neighbor responds, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
😄 😄 😄
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It’s my New Year’s resolution.
😄 😄 😄
I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I don’t think she likes them.
She said that’s gross.
😄 😄 😄
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”
😄 😄 😄
