Good morning!
I hope your day is as bright and beautiful as your bedhead.
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Did you hear about the baseball player who can spot a fast-food restaurant from miles away?
He leads the league in Arby eyes.
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Did you see the movie about the hot dog?
It was an Oscar Wiener.
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A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.
Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.
Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.
His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
“Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window.”
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Pessimists are like German vegetarians.
They fear the wurst.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite comedy movie?
Guardians of the Gas-laxy.
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My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors.
But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn’t smell good.
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A physics student asks his teacher, “Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?”
The teacher answers, “Let me see if I can pull some strings for you.”
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Good morning, workmate!
Being around you has inspired me... to quit as well as locate a new work!
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My uncle was crushed by a piano.
His funeral was very low key.
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There was a young pregnant woman. Her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.
She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.
So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly, “Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank you.”
She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!
The woman continued to wait for her newborn and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months, and years passed, the baby never came!
Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.
They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:
“You go first!”
“No, you go first!”
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Husband says to his wife.
Husband: “I’m going down to the pub, get your coat on.
Wife: “Ooh, am I coming?”
Husband: “No, I’m turning the heating off.”
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Santa: “I’m going to watch Mission Impossible tonight.”
Banta: “On cable or at theater?”
Santa: “Not the film, my wife bought slim fit jeans, and she is going to try it.”
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Why don’t crocodiles like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it.
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The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
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I stopped drinking water while studying chemistry.
My notes say adding water decreases concentration.
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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife, “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
The husband climbed out of bed and counted, “One, two, three, four. You’re right, you know.”
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I’m out of bed and I made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?
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If you encounter a polar bear in the wild, lie down and pretend that you’re dead.
It’s good practice for when you’ll be really dead, five minutes later.
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Why do eggs like April Fools’ Day?
They love practical yolks.
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