Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
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What do Darth Vader and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both escaped the dark side.
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What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?
β911 is an inside job.β
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Started working from home recently building boats in my attic...
Sails are through the roof.
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What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?
OLAY.
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ββDo you know who is coming to our party later on?β
βYeah, Dee is.β
βDee, who?β
βDEEZ NUTS!β
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What state has the most math teachers?
Math-achusetts.
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An employee asked his boss, βCan I have a few days off seeing as itβs so close to Christmas?β
The boss said, βItβs May.β
βSorry,β the employee replied, βMay I have a few days off seeing as itβs so close to Christmas?β
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Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
Itβs constantly mooning people.
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What do you call it when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week?
Ogretime.
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Good morning to someone who is the best sleeper in the world!
Seriously. Itβs been hours. Wake up!
π π π
As I was driving to work this morning, this truck driver swerved right through the traffic, cutting up the other road users before smashing into the back of a car.
On the back of his truck was a sign saying, βHow am I driving?β.
I thought to myself, βIβve got no idea either.β
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How does a robot eat its guacamole?
With micro-chips.
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Why did the dyslexic refuse to wear a polo shirt?
Because he was Lacoste intolerant.
π π π
One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
βMy daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,β said God.
βDear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,β said the nun.
βThere must be something you would have of me,β said God.
βWell, there is one thing,β she said.
βJust name it,β said God.
βItβs those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.β
βConsider it done,β said God. βBlonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.β
βThere is one thing. But itβs really small, and not worth your time,β said the nun.
βName it. Please,β said God.
βItβs the M&Mβs,β said the nun. βTheyβre so hard to peel.β
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What did the hipster tell his chef friend with a beard?
βYou ought to shavour every bite!β
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What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
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Why donβt they have Motherβs Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
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Yo sister so fat she has two watches, one for each time zone sheβs in.
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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, Iβm toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
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