It will be 20 years since I last had a drink on the 5th of January.
I drink on all of the other days.
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People call my obsession with the afterlife suicidal.
Truth be told, Iβm dying to find out if there is life after death.
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Where does the moon go to get its qualifications?
Moon-iversity!
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Why do people who have TikTok get sick?
Because of all the influenzas.
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Whereβs a donutβs favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert.
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What kind of nut doesnβt have a shell?
A donut.
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My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.
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It only takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
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What do you call a female crab who is also single?
Ms. Shell.
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A boy calls 911.
β911, what is your emergency?β
The boy replied, βMy parents are fighting, and Iβm scared..β
βWell, whoβs your father?β
βWell, thatβs what theyβre fighting about.β
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What do you call an otter whoβs obsessed with trains?
A trainsp-otter.
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Working from home. Day 1:
Thisβll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.
Day 8:
Engages in conversation with a lamp...
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βI eep.β
βI eep, who?β
βGross, you eat poo?!β
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Guess the difference between a hot dog and a corn dog?
Oneβs stuck up, while the other is laid back!
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A male driver is pulled over by a cop.
Man: βWhatβs the problem, officer?β
Cop: βYou were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.β
Man: βNo sir, I was going 65.β
Wife: βOh, Harry, you were going 80.β
Cop: βIβm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.β
Man: βBroken tail light? I didnβt know about a broken tail light!β
Wife: βOh, Harry, youβve known about that tail light for weeks.β
Cop: βIβm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.β
Man: βOh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.β
Wife: βOh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.β
Man: βShut your mouth, woman!β
Cop: βMaβam, does your husband always talk to you this way?β
Wife: βNo, only when heβs drunk.β
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I hope they never ban algebra.
Think of the aftermath!
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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying βThe End is Near! Turn yourself around now before itβs too late!β and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didnβt appreciate the sign and shouted at them, βLeave us alone, you religious nuts!β
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, βYou think maybe we should have just said βBridge Outβ instead?β
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Why did Helen Kellerβs husband often become upset with her?
Because she just didnβt listen.
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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approaches him and beats him up.
Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station.
Herman walks into the Sergeantβs office.
βWhat happened to you? the officer asks.
βA gang of snails beat me up,β Herman replied.
βCan you describe what they looked like?β
βI donβt know,β the sloth says. βIt all happened so fast.β
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A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions.
So itβs best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd.
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