What is in 2020s calendar?
January, February, Lockdown, December.
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I don’t believe in hitting my children as punishment.
So I teach them Fortnite dances and send them to school so that other kids can beat them instead.
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I was dreaming of an orange ocean tonight. Guess what?
It was a Fanta sea.
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I told my wife I’d never leave her unless aliens came to take me.
It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.
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What is a soldier’s most active day of the year?
March forth!
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If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?
Depends.
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What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?
Automobile.
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What do dragons like with their soup?
Firecrackers.
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At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying “I know the whole truth”.
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
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The boss comes into work carrying a thermos.
His blonde secretary had never seen one before.
“What’s that thing?” she asks.
“Oh, this?” he says. “It’s just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient.”
“Oh wow, that does sound convenient!” she exclaims. “I might have to get myself one of those!”
Sure enough, the next morning, when the boss comes in, he notices a brand new thermos on his secretary’s desk.
“Ah, I see you got yourself a thermos!” he says.
“Oh yes, sir, I decided I could use something to keep my hot things hot and my cold things cold,” she says radiantly.
“Neat-o. So, whatcha got in there?” asks the boss.
“Two popsicles and a cup of coffee.” says the secretary.
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What do you get when you cross a turtle and an alpaca?
A turtleneck sweater.
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What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?
This is a fine mesh we’ve gotten ourselves into.
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I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
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What is God’s favorite guitar chord?
G-Sus.
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My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.
Cleanup was a breeze.
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What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?
Fun-gi to be around!
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What do you call it when someone says it’s June in July?
Ju-lie.
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Never insult a donut.
Some of them have fillings.
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The moon is so cheeky, it’s always playing lunar-tricks.
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December is the worst time of the year for someone who is...
Claus-trophobic!
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