If a spider can bite you and make you a Spider-Man, can you bite me so I can be your man?
😄 😄 😄
Dear math,
Please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
Thanks!
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Why is the sun such a famous celeb?
Because he is literally a shining star, as everyone knows.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Nicholas.”
“Nicholas, who?”
“Nicholas half as much as a dime.”
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I went to lunch with a champion chess player.
It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt.
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A ranger was assigned the task of hunting buffalo. He hired an aboriginal scout to assist him. They set out on their expedition to find buffalo.
After a while, the scout dismounts, places his ear to the ground, and says, “Humm, buffalo come.”
The ranger looks around with his binoculars but sees nothing.
“I see nothing,” he says to the scout, “how do you know buffalo are coming?”
“Ear sticky,” says the scout.
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My wife said she wanted to name our child Eevee because she thought it would be cool to name it after a Pokémon.
I said, “Ditto.”
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I heard about a blue whale who was feeling down.
It was a huge ordeal.
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Why did the man who couldn’t grow a beard tape a rabbit to his face?
Then he would get the facial hare he always wanted.
😄 😄 😄
Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings.
One by one...
As each relative goes home.
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An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.
The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said, “I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up, so I can look death straight in the eyes!”
The executioner accepted this request, placed the man in the guillotine and pulled the lever... but nothing happened! The blade did not drop! It was declared an act of God and proof of his innocence, and he was released.
The chef is brought to the guillotine and requests to be beheaded face up as well. And again, when the executioner pulled the lever, the blade remained motionless! The chef was released and joined his master.
Finally, the engineer is brought to the executioner. He, too, requests to lie supine.
As the executioner is about to pull the lever, the engineer exclaims, “OH! I see your problem!”
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August 20, 2020:
Scientists have discovered a “mystery object” in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.
March 1, 2021 (Update):
Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.
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Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.
After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head.
“How you like it?” asked the barber.
“Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”
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In my contacts, I should rename my crush to potassium.
Because she is always responding with “K”.
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I went on a date with Spider-Man, but he was super clingy.
😄 😄 😄
I mustache Mario a question, but I’ll shave it for later.
😄 😄 😄
Are you made of ice cream?
Because I can’t wait to eat you up!
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How do you describe Neapolitan ice cream to someone?
Your two favorite flavors plus strawberry.
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Why do poets go to the zoo to use the restroom?
So they can poo in the loo at the zoo.
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What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?
Birds are always perching on it!
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