You’re so fat you got stuck when you dove into the Grand Canyon.
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Shrek was furious when all the fairy tale creatures were forced onto his swamp.
It was Marsh Madness.
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How many tall people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to get a chair and the other one to call a short person for help.
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What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
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Somewhere, in the universe, there is a world with no war, no hate, no hunger and no poverty.
And also no oxygen.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Who.”
“Who, who?”
“I didn’t know that you are an owl!”
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May your morning be so bright that you need sunglasses just to pour your cereal.
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When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
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One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single-engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base.
The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards.
The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly ran out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw.
After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn’t a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.
Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the “You didn’t see anything” talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw.
The Air Force fuels up the man’s plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.
The next day, the man’s plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people on the plane.
When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again.
As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells, “Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night!”
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You so ugly your mama had morning sicknesses after you were born.
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A Korean martial artist was giving away chocolate bars.
I asked if I could have 2.
He said, “No, you can taek-won-do.”
😄 😄 😄
I once saw a hippo that had a sinus infection.
I named it “The heaposnotamus”.
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Why did the nun become an archaeologist?
She had a knack for digging up old habits.
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When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?
When it’s a snowman’s nose!
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A thief got caught stealing pizza. Guess what the police told him?
His marinara rights.
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Thanks to the coronavirus, we can now explain calling Gen Z “Zoomers”.
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Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
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Did you hear about the aspiring YouTube star that died from the flu?
He finally went viral.
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My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
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You know what they say “Big shoes, big nose, big hands”?
Probably a clown.
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