A bearded man walks into a bar, “Everybody’s drinks are on me tonight!”
He then drank his beer, went to the restroom, and shaved his beard.
later he went to the bartender and asked, “How much should I pay?”
“No, sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight.”
“Ok,” and he left.
😄 😄 😄
Your father must have been the greatest thief in history.
He stole all the stars in the sky and put them in your eyes.
And heh, I guess it runs in the family. ’Cause you stole my heart.
😄 😄 😄
I want to trap you in my web and never let go.
😄 😄 😄
There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. What do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
😄 😄 😄
Harry Styles’ birthday is coming up.
And I’m so Styles-ed for it.
😄 😄 😄
A French couple, an Italian couple and a Polish couple go out to dinner.
The French husband says to his wife, “Pass the honey, honey.”
The Italian man says to his wife, “Pass the sugar, sweety.”
The polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife, “Pass the bacon, you fat pig.”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the mermaid couple so indecisive?
Because they both refused to wear the pants in the relationship.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a frozen frankfurter?
A chili dog.
😄 😄 😄
“Where did you get this mushroom recipe?” The husband asks his wife.
“In a detective novel,” she answers.
😄 😄 😄
A database professional walks into a bar...
And joins two tables.
😄 😄 😄
My small friend always argues that vanilla, chocolate and strawberry are the three best ice cream flavors.
I think he has a Neapolitan complex.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
😄 😄 😄
Where do you store peach juice?
Inside of a peach-er.
😄 😄 😄
Memo from Director-General to Manager:
Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes.
As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park.
Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information.
Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes.
For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director-General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director-General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse.
This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.
This will be safe if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director-General will eclipse the sun for two minutes.
This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director-General disappear.
It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so ugly that they didn’t give her a costume when she auditioned for Star Wars.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a group of union workers on Labor Day?
A day of rest-olution.
😄 😄 😄
You know you’re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the man with the big nose sad?
He could really smell his feet!
😄 😄 😄
How many general-relativity theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.
😄 😄 😄
The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.
The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.
Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it.
His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.
😄 😄 😄
