What is the difference between a Chelsea fan and a Battery?
A battery has a positive side.
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What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
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I told my mom I wanted to play Roblox for a living.
She said she didn’t want me to have such a block-and-white career.
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What do you call a grape that’s always getting into trouble?
A mis-grape.
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They said pooping is a call of nature.
So is farting a missed call?
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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Venice.”
“Venice, who?”
“Venice Halloween candy coming out?!”
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The 5 secrets to happiness for men:
1. Find a woman who can make you laugh.
2. Find a woman who can cook.
3. Find a woman who really listens to you.
4. Find a woman who is great in bed.
5. Make sure these 4 women don’t find out about each other.
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My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder.
But that’s impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
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A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland.
The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks.
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The first commandment was... when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
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The sunflower was feeling lonely.
He said he just wanted to get some-bud-y to love.
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Husband: “I got a package with bullets and Arabic note today.”
Wife: “Idiot! These are suppositories and the note from the doctor!”
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Why was the little strawberry crying?
Because his parents were in a jam.
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I’ve been listening to Harry Styles’ new music recently and I must say...
He has gotten a lot better ever since he went in the other direction.
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A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.
The farmer says, “Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses.”
The policeman says, “Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse’s ass?”
The farmer says, “Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing.”
The policeman says, “Well, that’s a good thing, then.”
The farmer adds, “But it’s hard to fool those circle flies.”
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What sign was hanging outside the room where all the donut lovers were having a meeting?
It was a sign that said “Donut disturb!”.
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What is the result of an art competition?
A draw.
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My wife said, “If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds.”
I figured why wait, so surprised her that night... with a shiny new bathroom scale.
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