Good morning!
Coffee is my morning superhero.
It doesnβt wear a cape, but it sure knows how to rescue me from the grumpiness monster every day.
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What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claus-trophobia!
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How many koalas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Technically just one, as long as heβs koalafied.
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Why did the dyslexic refuse to wear a polo shirt?
Because he was Lacoste intolerant.
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After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: βSir, do you really understand anything about the subject?β
Professor: βSurely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!β
Student: βGreat, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an βAβ for the exam.β
Professor: βOkay, it is a deal. So what is the question?β
Student: βWhat is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?β
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an βAβ, as agreed.
Afterward, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: βSir, you are 63 years old and married to a 32-year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 21-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wifeβs lover an βAβ, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.β
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Why donβt you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
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What do you call a sausage whoβs been sunbathing all day?
Done!
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What kind of fish works in a hospital?
Nurse shark.
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Your fun-sized gleam of sarcastic sunshine has arrived to wake you up.
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What do elves make sandwiches with?
Shortbread.
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Yo mamaβs so fat that she caused Kamino to flood when her water broke.
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I havenβt spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
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What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
βYou donβt pepper-own me.β
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What did one flea say to the other?
βShall we walk or take the cat?β
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Why do cops that play basketball like donuts the most?
Because they love to dunk them.
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My crush told me I smelled nice.
Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her boyfriend some.
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I want to make a Facebook account, and the name will be Nobody, so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it.
And it will say βNobody likes thisβ.
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Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
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Whoever said laughter is the best medicine.
Clearly hasnβt tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
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There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.
Even if itβs cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka.
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