I’m going to get married on February 29th.
So I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.
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Earth is the third planet from the sun.
By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.
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Everyone always says that hot dogs suck.
I think German sausages are the wurst!
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A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.
“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”
“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.
“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”
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What do you call a lazy man in space?
A procrastronaut.
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What would you call a small scoop of ice cream?
A uni-cone.
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It’s so hot out that I baked lasagna in my mailbox.
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The reason that no one has returned to the moon for so long is that every time someone tries to book a hotel there, it’s full...
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Good morning!
May your day be as positive as your WiFi signal.
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I finally was chosen to pick toppings for the hot dogs!
I relished the opportunity!
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An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed in the opposite direction.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”
Likewise, the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”
The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.”
The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”
So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.
He says to the Marine, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”
The Marine replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap, and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, “Your turn!”
The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine, and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
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Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock... boom!
Good morning!
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Yo mama so fat that they covered her and used her as a death star.
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What does Dr. Frankenstein call the cemetery?
Human Resources.
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Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?
A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.
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Black Friday came earlier this year for me...
My TV was stolen.
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I’m not here to play mind games.
Except brain freeze.
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Yo mama’s ears are so big she can hear what I’m thinking.
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A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit’s face and said, “I’ll bet you’re wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren’t you?”
And the recruit says, “No, sir! When I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in another line again!”
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What do Chelsea keepers and singer Michael Jackson both have in common?
Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
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