Why did the Liverpool fan always help his wife with Chinese cooking?
So she’d never wok alone.
😄 😄 😄
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
😄 😄 😄
Which day is the worst to propose on?
April Fools’ Day.
😄 😄 😄
Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
😄 😄 😄
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk fall out of a plane.
The Buddhist monk says, “It will be okay, for we shall all be reincarnated.”
The priest says, “It will be okay, for we shall all meet in Heaven.”
The rabbi says, “Am I the only one who remembered we were going skydiving today?”
😄 😄 😄
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey—he’s always stuffed.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat Darth Vader couldn’t even force choke her.
😄 😄 😄
A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.
“Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,” the pharmacist says. “Don’t worry,” replies the patient. “It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.”
😄 😄 😄
People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs.
That’s nonsense—what about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?
😄 😄 😄
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the Pinterest user who tried to cook a recipe they found on the site?
Let’s just say they added a new pin to their recipe board “Order Takeout!”.
😄 😄 😄
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age.
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
😄 😄 😄
I’m all for three things:
Maintaining parallel structure, always using the Oxford comma and hypocrisy.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
😄 😄 😄
Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn... I think I’m going to pass out.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, where are you calling from?”
Caller: “I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?”
Caller: “No.”
Dispatcher: “What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?”
Caller: “Running from the police.”
😄 😄 😄
The doctor’s office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokémon.
I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a guy who’s laying down in front of a door?
Matt.
😄 😄 😄
Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.
He comes upon a question:
What separates the head from the body?
Ahmed answers:
The axe.
😄 😄 😄
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
😄 😄 😄
