How does a lobster answer the phone?
“Shello?”
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Mom: “Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.”
Son: “Why is that funny?”
Mom: “It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?”
Son: “Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.”
Mom: “I thought it meant Lots of Love... I have to call everyone back!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lettuce.”
“Lettuce, who?”
“Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”
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I like to show my girlfriend who’s the boss in our house.
I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.
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There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you.
Second place is just a constellation prize.
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What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
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What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
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What’s a clockmaker’s favorite social media site?
TikTok.
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Guess what the chop said to the steak on their first date?
It’s so nice to finally meat you!
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Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange.
You’d think he was from mad-at-gas-car.
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I guess I don’t need any sunshine anymore.
Because your smile is going to brighten up my day!
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Hey Baby, My Name Is Saul Goodman.
I guess you better call me.
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What would’ve been a better name for the lion instead of King of the Jungle?
Emperoar.
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I went to a party once where everyone was dressed in blue.
It was like a sea of navy-tees.
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What ever happened to the Fried Shrimp emoji?
It was tempurary.
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Once a boy was killing mosquitoes.
The girl asked him, “How many mosquitoes have you killed?”
He replied, “3 female and 2 male.”
She asked, “How did you know that they were male or female?”
He replied, “3 were sitting in front of the mirror and the 2 were sitting on the treadmill.”
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What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the North Pole and his winters at the South?
A bi-polar bear.
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What do spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
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What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Stolen.
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I asked my German friend how many planets are in our Solar System.
Surprisingly he said, “Nine.”
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