A man went to the doctor and said, “I think I am upside down.”
When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, “Because my feet smell and my nose runs.”
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A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too high.”
He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”
She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”
So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Karen watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karen’s ear.
She said, “Mrs. Grim, Ol’ Spot just died.”
Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’Spot never even stopped.”
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Why did the roofing company fire the roofer who went to the bathroom too often?
His waste factor was too high.
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It’s true women do make less money than men. But it’s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.
Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.
Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
Donuts.
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Teacher: “Which is the best hand to use when writing something, the left hand or the right hand?”
Pupil: “None of them. It’s better to use a pen or pencil.”
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Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.”
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, “B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact. How did he do it?”
God smiled all-knowingly, “Jesus saves.”
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What is another fancy name for a sun fart?
A solar flare.
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It’s hotter than a fat kid at a Weenie Roast.
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What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?
I come in pieces.
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Yo daddy is so dumb he sold his car for gas money.
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You are like dandruff because I just can not get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.
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Why was the jack-o’-lantern afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts.
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A driver goes into a car accessories store.
“I’d like a satnav, please.”
“OK,” said the assistant, “we have every model possible, European routes, world routes, UK routes.”
“I’ll just take the UK one, please,” said the driver.
“Are you sure, sir, easy to get lost round Europe,” replied the assistant.
“No, the UK is fine,” said the driver, “it’s for the Liverpool team bus next season.”
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Why was Aunt May worried about Peter Parker?
He was spending too much time on the world wide web.
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Why is the sun such an egomaniac?
He believes that everything revolves around him.
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Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?
Because one more, and it’d be too farty.
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Getting dress for work is so stressful. Should I put on yoga pants or sweatpants?
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To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
They couldn’t get the moose in the oven!
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