I hear that Uranus just floats around in space. Can you explain that?
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βAlcohol may intensify the effects of this medicationβ
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
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Sunday school teacher: βTell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?β
Johnny: βNo, maβam, I donβt have to. My momβs a good cook.β
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A man went to the doctor and said, βI think I am upside down.β
When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, βBecause my feet smell and my nose runs.β
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How do camels hide from predators?
Camel-flage.
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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
βThis is your doctor. Weβve had the results back from your tests, and weβve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!β
βOh my gosh!β cries the man. Heβs in a panic now. βWhat are you going to do, doctor?β
βWell, weβre going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.β
βWill that cure me?β asked the man, hopefully.
The doctor replied, βWell, no, but... itβs the only food we can get under the door.β
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What did a brick say to a wall?
βIβve got your back!β
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Why is it called βafter darkβ when it really is βafter lightβ?
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Thereβs a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery.
The head of the group walks in and says, βIβm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say Iβm pretty disappointed.β
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Do songbirds get mad at hummingbirds...
Because they donβt know the words.
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I sued the airport the other day because they didnβt want to give me my luggage.
Guess what, I lost the case.
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Chuck Norris once saw Spider-Man on a wall and then folded his newspaper.
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What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A woolly jumper.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βCash.β
βCash, who?β
βI didnβt realize you were some kind of nut!β
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Why do cemeteries contain the best stories?
Because they have so many plots.
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What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?
A barberqueue!
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Mortal: βWhat is a million years like to you?β
God: βLike one second.β
Mortal: βWhat is a million pounds like to you?β
God: βLike one penny.β
Mortal: βCan I have a penny?β
God: βJust a second...β
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What time did Goofy have a dentist appointment?
Tooth Hurty.
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All the physicists meet up in heaven and decide to play a game of hide and seek.
They decide that Fermi will be the seeker, so he closes his eyes and begins counting to 100.
All the physicists scatter, except for Newton, who calmly reaches into his pocket, takes out some chalk, and draws a square one meter on a side.
Fermi finishes counting and turns around, seeing Newton standing in his chalk square he yells, βI found Newton. Newton is out!β
Newton protests, βNo, Iβm Newton in a meter squareβIβm Pascal. Pascal is out!β
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I quickly learned that the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk.
Is one of them attends meetings.
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