I made a blue smoothie today.
It was berry good.
😄 😄 😄
My teacher told me I couldn’t make a joke about Uranus in class.
But hey, it’s my orbit!
😄 😄 😄
How many marketers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they’ve automated it.
😄 😄 😄
A small Irish man escaped from prison today.
He’s a leprechaun-vict.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a car’s favorite meal?
Brake-fast.
😄 😄 😄
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
😄 😄 😄
I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden.
I realized that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma’s so ugly they push her face in the dough to make Ugnaught cookies.
😄 😄 😄
An interviewer met a couple of Liverpool supporters at the pub the other night.
“Do you often go to Anfield?” the interviewer asked.
“Yeah, of course!” they said. “We’ve found the perfect way. Ten minutes after kick-off, we climb over a fence!”
“That sounds great,” the interviewer replied.
“Yeah, but last week we were caught and had to sit down and watch the rest of the game,” replied one of the fans.
😄 😄 😄
New Year’s Eve forecast:
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
😄 😄 😄
A young boy walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.
In disbelief, the cashier asked him to repeat his order.
“I want 12 scoops of ice cream sir.”
Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.
But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question, “Why did you want so many scoops of ice cream?”
“Well, if you had what I had you would order the exact same thing.”
The cashier hands him the cone but he’s a little confused and asked another question.
“And what is it that you have that I don’t?”
The boy looked him in the eyes with a smirk on his face and said, “Only two dollars in change.” And he ran out of parlor.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?
The pavement.
😄 😄 😄
Which planet is the richest of them all?
Saturn, because it has many rings.
😄 😄 😄
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
😄 😄 😄
Your ears are so big your parents put you on the roof to see which way the wind is blowing.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the American Indian who died from drinking too much tea?
He drowned in his own tepee.
😄 😄 😄
I wanted to ask Spider-Man to connect my TV, but I couldn’t find Maguire.
😄 😄 😄
The thing people overlook most of the time is their noses.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody nose.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma’s so old she changed Yoda’s first diaper.
😄 😄 😄
