I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you’re not allowed to end a sentence with a preposition.
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What kind of key is edible?
A turkey on Thanksgiving.
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How does a man from Alabama hold up his pants?
With a bible belt.
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It’s hotter than asphalt on a California driveway.
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Gas prices are getting ridiculous.
I went online to check the value of my car, and it asked if the tank was empty or full.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week?
Ogretime.
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What is round, huge, and very gassy?
Uranus.
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Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
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After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?”
Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 pickles.”
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
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I wanted to make nachos, but my dad took the cheese.
He claimed it wasn’t mine.
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What is a deer’s favorite boba flavor?
C-antelope!
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What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?
By live stream.
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Why are Saudi Arabians clueless?
Because they live under Iraq.
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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery?
He’s so happy that he’s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
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What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blue-berry.
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I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.
1. My credit card number.
2. My social security number.
3. Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
😄 😄 😄
There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.
Morel of the storey.
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My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”
Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.
😄 😄 😄
