I told my wife I was going to do stand-up comedy.
She said, “You’re joking.”
I said, “I told you I was good.”
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Last year on Mother’s Day we had a big family get-together.
Afterwards my Mom starting getting ready to do the dishes.
Of course I couldn’t let her do that on her special day.
I said, “Leave the dishes, Mom. You can always do them tomorrow.”
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It’s hotter than a Jamaican monkey’s butt.
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It’s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.
He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.
He responds, “No, the seat’s empty.”
The first man exclaims, “What?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?”
The neighbor responds, “Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven’t been together.”
The first man responds,” I’m sorry to hear that. Wasn’t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could’ve taken that seat?”
The neighbor responds, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
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I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It’s my New Year’s resolution.
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I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I don’t think she likes them.
She said that’s gross.
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A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”
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Why do Pokémons like to eat sunflower seeds?
Because they like to pick and chew.
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What do you get when you put an Undead in a bath?
Soup.
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Watching the first presidential debate was like watching two people who shouldn’t play with legos argue.
One acted like he was under 4 years old and the other acted like he was over 99.
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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Who’s first?”
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A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.
The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock.
About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.
“What?! I dunno buddy, call the damn Coast Guard!” and he slams the phone down.
He goes to the living room and resumes reading the newspaper.
His wife looks over at him nervously and asks what the call was about, and the husband replies “Pfft, some moron calling to ask if the coast is clear.”
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Why did the accountant do so well in AA?
He was already a friend of bills.
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
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Why do Troy State students have such beautiful noses?
They’re hand picked.
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What do you call a Puerto Rican dish that’s not spicy?
A mistake.
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I’m an annoying on the outside, but I’m like an onion.
You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying.
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The only clan thing you find in a well cleaned big nose is fingerprints.
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What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A six-foot toothbrush.
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Good morning!
Today is a good day to have a good day, especially if you've had your coffee.
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