My wallet is like an onion.
Whenever I open it my eyes tear up.
😄 😄 😄
Why won’t my motorbike run?
Because it’s two tired.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?
We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work on a Minion Day.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the boy stop eating donuts?
Because he got bored with the hole thing.
😄 😄 😄
What is Spider-Man’s favorite online music app?
Spot-a-fly.
😄 😄 😄
What is Loki’s least favorite day of the week?
Thor’s Day.
😄 😄 😄
I just found out that the UK doesn’t have a kidney bank.
But at least it has a Liverpool.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make a pool table laugh?
Tickle its balls.
😄 😄 😄
Why do lemons use sun tan lotion?
Because if they don’t they’ll peel!
😄 😄 😄
The sun and moon walked into a coffee shop.
Sun: “Oh man, I forgot my wallet!”
Moon: “Don’t worry, I’ll cover you.”
😄 😄 😄
The ice cream parlor asks for my order.
Parlor: “Hello Sir, can I take your order?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a male hot fudge sundae please.”
Parlor: “I’m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?”
Me: “Yes, with nuts.”
😄 😄 😄
When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In a dictionary.
😄 😄 😄
When the red panda got tired, it decided to take a koala-ty nap.
😄 😄 😄
How do you call a cow in Ramadan?
A Mooslim.
😄 😄 😄
Your sister is so fat her Apple Watch is an iPad Pro on a rope.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the vampire bite Taylor Swift?
Because she had bad blood.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
😄 😄 😄
A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, “HIJACK!”
All the passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “HI JOHN!”
😄 😄 😄
