After a month of dieting, I lost 30 days.
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How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
An itsy bitsy book.
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What did one Egyptian say to the other when they farted at the same time?
Looks like we’ve got a Tutankhamen.
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A stormtrooper and a redshirt are in a room.
The stormtrooper shoots the redshirt, but misses every shot.
The redshirt dies anyway.
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My bed and I love each other but the alarm clock is not clear!
Good morning!
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I saw a butterfly with no wings today.
I poured some Red Bull on it and BAM... it drowned.
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What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?
Done!
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Sherlock Holmes got audited by the IRS.
He had too many deductions.
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A preschool teacher asked her students in class, “Who can count from one to ten?”
Little 3-year-old Timmy swiftly raised his hand, “I can!” and started counting, “One, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!”
The teacher is impressed, “Well done Timmy! Who taught you that?”
“My uncle Bobby!” Timmy said.
“Can you count past ten?” The teacher asked Timmy.
“That’s easy!” Timmy continued, “Jack, Queen, King…”
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What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you will rise and shine!
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Black Friday came earlier this year for me...
My TV was stolen.
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What do you call a leprechaun’s prank?
A St. Pat-trick!
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You’re so short that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Mikey.”
“Mikey, who?”
“Mikey doesn’t work, can you let me in?”
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Why did the barber keep agreeing to shave the lion’s fur even though it was dangerous?
It was his mane source of income.
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Yo mama so fat NASA thought she was a planet.
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3 men talk about their wives.
The first one says, “My wife is like a butterfly—so delicate and pretty.”
The second one, “Mine is like a baby deer—beautiful and gracious.”
After a moment of silence the third one goes, “Now that I think about it mine doesn’t look much human either.”
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What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
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I decided to make a witty perfume.
My colleague said the most important component should be the scents of humor.
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What do you call a slow learner born at the beginning of August?
A leotard.
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