Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”
Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”
😄 😄 😄
The peach couple is in love.
They seem to be born for peach other.
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama's appetite is so huge she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.
😄 😄 😄
Three soccer players—one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenal—are lost in the desert.
They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.
So the guy from Manchester says, “Well, since I’m from ManCHESTer, I’ll get the chest.
The player from Liverpool goes, “Well, in that case I'll eat the liver.
Then guy from ARSEnal says, “I’m not hungry...”
😄 😄 😄
What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A har-vest.
😄 😄 😄
What did Tiger Woods get for Christmas?
Half of everything.
😄 😄 😄
A lumber camp is looking for a lumberjack.
The next day, a skinny person arrives at the camp with an axe. The head lumberjack looks at the little small guy and instructs him to go away.
“Give me a chance to show you what I’m capable of,” the skinny guy pleads.
“See that massive redwood over there?” asks the head lumberjack. “Cut it down with your axe.”
The man runs towards the tree, and in five minutes he’s at the lumberjack’s door.
“I cut the tree down,” the man says.
“Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?” asks the lumberjack, who can’t believe his eyes.
“In the Sahara Forest,” the small man adds.
“You are referring to the Sahara Desert,” says the lumberjack after interrupting him.
“Sure! That’s what they’re calling it these days!”
😄 😄 😄
What is in 2020s calendar?
January, February, Lockdown, December.
😄 😄 😄
I don’t believe in hitting my children as punishment.
So I teach them Fortnite dances and send them to school so that other kids can beat them instead.
😄 😄 😄
I was dreaming of an orange ocean tonight. Guess what?
It was a Fanta sea.
😄 😄 😄
I told my wife I’d never leave her unless aliens came to take me.
It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.
😄 😄 😄
What is a soldier’s most active day of the year?
March forth!
😄 😄 😄
If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?
Depends.
😄 😄 😄
What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?
Automobile.
😄 😄 😄
What do dragons like with their soup?
Firecrackers.
😄 😄 😄
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying “I know the whole truth”.
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
😄 😄 😄
The boss comes into work carrying a thermos.
His blonde secretary had never seen one before.
“What’s that thing?” she asks.
“Oh, this?” he says. “It’s just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient.”
“Oh wow, that does sound convenient!” she exclaims. “I might have to get myself one of those!”
Sure enough, the next morning, when the boss comes in, he notices a brand new thermos on his secretary’s desk.
“Ah, I see you got yourself a thermos!” he says.
“Oh yes, sir, I decided I could use something to keep my hot things hot and my cold things cold,” she says radiantly.
“Neat-o. So, whatcha got in there?” asks the boss.
“Two popsicles and a cup of coffee.” says the secretary.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a turtle and an alpaca?
A turtleneck sweater.
😄 😄 😄
What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?
This is a fine mesh we’ve gotten ourselves into.
😄 😄 😄
I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
😄 😄 😄
