Best Jokes (4)



Patient: โ€œDoctor, doctor! Iโ€™ve broken my arm in three places!โ€

Doctor: โ€œWell, stop going to those places then.โ€

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The peach couple is in love.

They seem to be born for peach other.

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Yo Mama's appetite is so huge she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.

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Three soccer playersโ€”one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenalโ€”are lost in the desert.

They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.

So the guy from Manchester says, โ€œWell, since Iโ€™m from ManCHESTer, Iโ€™ll get the chest.

The player from Liverpool goes, โ€œWell, in that case I'll eat the liver.

Then guy from ARSEnal says, โ€œIโ€™m not hungry...โ€

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What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?

A har-vest.

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What did Tiger Woods get for Christmas?

Half of everything.

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A lumber camp is looking for a lumberjack.

The next day, a skinny person arrives at the camp with an axe. The head lumberjack looks at the little small guy and instructs him to go away.

โ€œGive me a chance to show you what Iโ€™m capable of,โ€ the skinny guy pleads.

โ€œSee that massive redwood over there?โ€ asks the head lumberjack. โ€œCut it down with your axe.โ€

The man runs towards the tree, and in five minutes heโ€™s at the lumberjackโ€™s door.

โ€œI cut the tree down,โ€ the man says.

โ€œWhere did you learn to chop down trees like that?โ€ asks the lumberjack, who canโ€™t believe his eyes.

โ€œIn the Sahara Forest,โ€ the small man adds.

โ€œYou are referring to the Sahara Desert,โ€ says the lumberjack after interrupting him.

โ€œSure! Thatโ€™s what theyโ€™re calling it these days!โ€

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What is in 2020s calendar?

January, February, Lockdown, December.

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I donโ€™t believe in hitting my children as punishment.

So I teach them Fortnite dances and send them to school so that other kids can beat them instead.

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I was dreaming of an orange ocean tonight. Guess what?

It was a Fanta sea.

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I told my wife Iโ€™d never leave her unless aliens came to take me.

It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.

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What is a soldierโ€™s most active day of the year?

March forth!

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If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?

Depends.

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What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?ย 

Automobile.

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What do dragons like with their soup?

Firecrackers.

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At school, Little Johnnyโ€™s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so itโ€™s very easy to blackmail them by saying โ€œI know the whole truthโ€.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnnyโ€™s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, โ€œJust donโ€™t tell your father.โ€

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, โ€œPlease donโ€™t say a word to your mother.โ€

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, โ€œThen come give your Daddy a great big hug!โ€

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The boss comes into work carrying a thermos.

His blonde secretary had never seen one before.

โ€œWhatโ€™s that thing?โ€ she asks.

โ€œOh, this?โ€ he says. โ€œItโ€™s just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient.โ€

โ€œOh wow, that does sound convenient!โ€ she exclaims. โ€œI might have to get myself one of those!โ€

Sure enough, the next morning, when the boss comes in, he notices a brand new thermos on his secretaryโ€™s desk.

โ€œAh, I see you got yourself a thermos!โ€ he says.

โ€œOh yes, sir, I decided I could use something to keep my hot things hot and my cold things cold,โ€ she says radiantly.

โ€œNeat-o. So, whatcha got in there?โ€ asks the boss.

โ€œTwo popsicles and a cup of coffee.โ€ says the secretary.

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What do you get when you cross a turtle and an alpaca?

A turtleneck sweater.

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What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?

This is a fine mesh weโ€™ve gotten ourselves into.

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I got really badย sunburnย after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.

I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.

I guess they put it on the back burner.

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