A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canโt find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:
โPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!โ
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
โNever mind. Found one!โ
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What do you call a sad berry?
A blue-fruit.
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, โSir, I couldnโt help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ
The man gets really annoyed and says, โOfficer, I couldnโt help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ
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A guy barges into a psychiatristโs office and screams, โDoctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!โ
The doctor calmly answers, โPay me in advance.โ
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Whatโs a flowerโs favorite band?
Guns nโ Roses.
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Why arenโt people inย recoveryย good dancers?
They lose interest afterย twelve steps.
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What a morning...
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didnโt make a snowwoman.
8:15 I made a snowwoman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snowwomanโs voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snowwoman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see whatโs going on.
8:42 I am told the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter, โYeah, if itโs up your...โ
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 Iโm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 ISIS just claimed responsibility...
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When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?
When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
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Yo mama so dumb she tried to eat pi.
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Whatโs a veganโs favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?
En-salad-us.
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I ate a cactus today...
It had a sharp taste.
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Chuck Norris never won an Oscar because he is NOT acting.
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Yo mamma is so ugly that not even Ewoks will let her into their clan.
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What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?
Spook-hetti!
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What is a cactusโs favorite Minions movie?
Des-prick-able Me.
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I donโt trust people who donโt like mushrooms.
Clearly, they are of low morel fiber.
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Whatโs the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?
One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driverโs license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
โCan you read this?โ the optician asked.
โWhat do you mean if I can read this?โ the Polish guy replied, โI know the dude.โ
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Feeling blue? A blueberry muffin can be your rescue!
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It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.
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