A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
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Female monasteries are nun-profit.
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Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.
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What do you call a group of union workers on Labor Day?
A day of rest-olution.
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I don’t need a telescope to see Uranus.
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Nothing changes when you cross thirty, except that you have to replace your moisturizer with anti-aging cream.
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This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
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In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.
One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.
The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, “I hear you are 102!”
“That’s correct,” said the old man with a smile.
“Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!”
“Thank you,” said the old man humbly.
“Do you mind if I ask...”
“How am I this healthy at my age?” finished the old man. “Help me carry this wood back home, and I’ll tell you.”
The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.
“You see,” said the old man, “I’ve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I’ve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! That’s why I’m in the great shape I am.”
“But if that’s the case,” said the puzzled visitor, “how come your wife is in such great shape too?”
“Well,” smiled the old man, “she usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.”
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Whoever it was that invented single ply toilet paper...
I’d like to shake his hand.
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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s barrel racing there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”
“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re up here in the slack on Friday.”
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I just got fired from my new job at the pharmacy.
Apparently “drug free workplace” and “free drug workplace” are not the same thing at all.
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Yo mama’s so fat her durasteel armor has stretch marks!
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Aye Dunnup.”
“Aye Dunnup, who?”
“Eugh, you dunna poo!”
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What do you call people who were born on Friday the 13th?
By their names.
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Why did the blue marker shy away from the red marker?
It was a little shy-nero.
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
Stock boy: “No, ma’am. They’re dead.”
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Did you know Uranus is so big, it can’t even fit into lightweight jeans?
It needs quasar sizes!
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Why do cab drivers make good content marketers?
They can really drive in traffic.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
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How do you make a Pinterest user laugh?
Show them a pin-teresting joke.
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