There are no jokes about Chuck Norris.
It’s all true.
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Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
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I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisl?”
I laughed right in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
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What did people say when the headless horseman started dating a zombie?
He’s lost his head!
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On the day my friends were hosting my birthday celebration, I had diarrhea.
I was a party pooper.
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Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves.
The IRS office is of the same opinion.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Mary.”
“Mary, who?”
“Mary Christmas!”
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Anna.”
“Anna, who?”
“Anna Happy New Year!”
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What do a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.
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An American and a German architect bet who can build a skyscraper in the least amount of time.
After a month, the American mails the German, “Only 10 days and I’ll be finished.”
The German writes back, “Hah, that’s nothing. Only 10 forms left and I am allowed to start.”
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My sinus infection is really getting into the Christmas Spirit.
It’s all coming out green and red.
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I might have gotten the flu in China.
Well, WHO cares?
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Yo momma is so fat when she jumped in the ocean the whales started singing “We are family ...”
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Congratulations, you’ve finally reached the wonder years!
Wonder where your car is parked? Wonder where you left your phone? Wonder where your glasses are? Wonder what day it is?
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How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs?
He logged in.
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What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?
“Easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.”
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Things I learned in organic chemistry:
How to draw hexagons.
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I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
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Adam meets a witch.
The witch tells him: “Tell me I am pretty, or you will be cursed!”
Adam: “Sorry, but I don’t find you attractive.”
Witch: “Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed!
Adam: “Nope. You’re hideous.”
The witch then transformed him into an ant.
Witch: “Look where your rudeness brought you!”
Adam: “Yeah, this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato.”
Witch: “Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!”
He is still adamant.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?
Gas-tronomic swirl.
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Hockey players are good at making new friends.
They break the ice really quickly.
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