Best Jokes (4)



What is the difference between a Chelsea fan and a Battery?

A battery has a positive side.

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What did the flower do when she was challenged?

Rose to the occasion.

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I told my mom I wanted to play Roblox for a living.

She said she didn’t want me to have such a block-and-white career.

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What do you call a grape that’s always getting into trouble?

A mis-grape.

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They said pooping is a call of nature.

So is farting a missed call?

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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.

She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.

But my kids keep egging me on.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œVenice.”

β€œVenice, who?”

β€œVenice Halloween candy coming out?!”

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The 5 secrets to happiness for men:

1. Find a woman who can make you laugh.

2. Find a woman who can cook.

3. Find a woman who really listens to you.

4. Find a woman who is great in bed.

5. Make sure these 4 women don’t find out about each other.

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My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder.

But that’s impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, β€œAnd what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, β€œIn the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, β€œWell, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, β€œWow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies, β€œYeah, but you started it.”

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A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland.

The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks.

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The first commandment was... when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

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The sunflower was feeling lonely.

He said he just wanted to get some-bud-y to love.

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Husband: β€œI got a package with bullets and Arabic note today.”

Wife: β€œIdiot! These are suppositories and the note from the doctor!”

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Why was the little strawberry crying?

Because his parents were in a jam.

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I’ve been listening to Harry Styles’ new music recently and I must say...

He has gotten a lot better ever since he went in the other direction.

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A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.

The farmer says, β€œYeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses.”

The policeman says, β€œHmmm. Did you just call me a horse’s ass?”

The farmer says, β€œOh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing.”

The policeman says, β€œWell, that’s a good thing, then.”

The farmer adds, β€œBut it’s hard to fool those circle flies.”

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What sign was hanging outside the room where all the donut lovers were having a meeting?

It was a sign that said β€œDonut disturb!”.

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What is the result of an art competition?

A draw.

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My wife said, β€œIf we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds.”

I figured why wait, so surprised her that night... with a shiny new bathroom scale.

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