What’s the most common operation in a Lego hospital?
Plastic surgery.
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I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty.
They’re my last reshorts.
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Stephen Hawking’s death was purely accidental.
He clicked “shut down” instead of “sleep.”
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I love being a grandparent in retirement.
I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.
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I’m going to take you out for a morning walk.
Whether you’re sleeping or not!
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I am sweating like a crocodile in a handbag factory.
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So hot dog, we meat again.
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I just signed up for the new college course about the effects of drinking soda on the body.
Anatomy and Fizzyology.
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You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?
Diabetes.
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How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
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What is an alpaca that is mixed with a dog called?
A Wool-f.
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The only clan thing you find in a well cleaned big nose is fingerprints.
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Vegan: “People who sell meat are gross!”
Non-vegetarian: “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
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Why are cop donut shop jokes always so funny?
They never get mold.
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July 1st is International Reggae Day.
This is the day I dread.
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Yo mama’s appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.
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I’m chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I’m outside in the beautiful sunshine.
I guess I must be solar-powered?
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A woman is flirting with a man at a bar.
She says, “Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?”
The man replies, “I work for KGB.”
“Cool, tell me an interesting story!”
“About me or about you?”
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What did the dragon say to the bad employee?
You’re fired.
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I’m sure you could donate blood to me because you’re just my type!
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