How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs?
He logged in.
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What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?
“Easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.”
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Things I learned in organic chemistry:
How to draw hexagons.
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I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
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Adam meets a witch.
The witch tells him: “Tell me I am pretty, or you will be cursed!”
Adam: “Sorry, but I don’t find you attractive.”
Witch: “Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed!
Adam: “Nope. You’re hideous.”
The witch then transformed him into an ant.
Witch: “Look where your rudeness brought you!”
Adam: “Yeah, this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato.”
Witch: “Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!”
He is still adamant.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?
Gas-tronomic swirl.
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Hockey players are good at making new friends.
They break the ice really quickly.
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Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
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What is an astronaut’s favorite chocolate?
A Mars bar.
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What are the sun’s favorite chocolate bars?
A Milky Way.
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I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
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What does a bass guitar and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
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Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
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What does Muslim Sonic say when Ramadan begins?
“Gotta go fast!”
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Your sister is so ugly when she was born your mom said, “What a treasure!”
And your dad said, “Yes, let’s bury it.”
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What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard’s neckbeard?
M’stache.
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What do you call an exploration mission to Uranus?
Colonoscopy.
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A gun company has been criticised after bringing out a pistol covered in Lego.
The manufacturer says it’s perfectly safe, unless you step on it in bare feet.
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When do vampires like horse racing?
When it’s neck and neck.
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Every night, I go to bed determined to be productive the following day.
Here’s to a good morning... tomorrow.
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