Good morning!
Coffee is my morning superhero.
It doesn’t wear a cape, but it sure knows how to rescue me from the grumpiness monster every day.
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What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claus-trophobia!
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How many koalas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Technically just one, as long as he’s koalafied.
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Why did the dyslexic refuse to wear a polo shirt?
Because he was Lacoste intolerant.
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After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”
Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the exam.”
Professor: “Okay, it is a deal. So what is the question?”
Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.
Afterward, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 32-year-old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 21-year-old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”
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Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
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What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?
Done!
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What kind of fish works in a hospital?
Nurse shark.
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Your fun-sized gleam of sarcastic sunshine has arrived to wake you up.
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What do elves make sandwiches with?
Shortbread.
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Yo mama’s so fat that she caused Kamino to flood when her water broke.
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I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
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What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
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What did one flea say to the other?
“Shall we walk or take the cat?”
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Why do cops that play basketball like donuts the most?
Because they love to dunk them.
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My crush told me I smelled nice.
Then she asked me where I bought my cologne so she could buy her boyfriend some.
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I want to make a Facebook account, and the name will be Nobody, so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it.
And it will say “Nobody likes this”.
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Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
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Whoever said laughter is the best medicine.
Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
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There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.
Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka.
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