A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.
The hot dog says, “I’ve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.”
The hamburger replies, “Please, beef frank.”
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Why do Polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can’t spell toboggan.
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Harry Potter needs 8 movies to seek and destroy Voldemort.
Chuck Norris needs 4 seconds.
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A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.
The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub “The George and Dragon” which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.
Entering the barroom, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather-padded booths, and a mahogany bar with brass rails, polished to a shine, they went up to the bar and asked for a room.
“Rooms cost £20 per night, we don’t accept euros, and you must be out by 7am tomorrow, or else you pay for both days.”
“Alright then, could I get something to eat, ma?”
“The kitchen closed at 6, and I am not going back there until 11am tomorrow, no matter what you say. Anything else?”
“Yes, could I please talk to George?”
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You’re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
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What did the drummer call his twin sons?
Tom.
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A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.
“What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.
“Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised.
“Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “you’ll win!”
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What’s the largest species of ants?
Gi-ants.
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What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?
Lucky.
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Ohayo means “good morning” in Japanese.
And that is the most interesting thing about Ohio.
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When asked the temperature I enjoy giving it in Kelvin.
I’m losing my friends by degrees.
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A colonoscopy doctor walks into the bank.
He says to the banker, “I’d like to deposit a check.”
The banker says, “Sure but I’m going to need you to sign here.”
The doctor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer.
He then says, “Dammit, some asshole took my pen!”
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911 operator: “911.”
“Hello, my wife was cooking dinner, and she fell,” says the husband.
“What’s the emergency?”
The husband replies, “How do I know when the rice is ready?”
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Do not be racist, be like Mario.
He’s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
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What is a myth?
A female moth.
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What is the difference between Pokémon Go and Tinder?
On Pokémon Go you swipe up to try and capture fake characters in a virtual world.
On Tinder, you swipe right.
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Guess what the name of my new computer processor is?
Chip.
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There’s a reason our nose is in the middle of our face.
It’s because that’s the scenter.
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Where does a beard stylist buy their grooming products?
At a Shaven Eleven.
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got tired of the HOLE business.
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