What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion?
Ryan.
π π π
Whatβs the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
π π π
What kind of food says mean things about you behind your back?
Shiitake mushrooms.
π π π
A patient goes to the dentist for a tooth extraction.
The dentist gives him some anesthesia and then quickly pulls out the tooth.
He says to the patient, βThatβll be $500, please.β
The patient says, βWhat! $500 for 5 minutes of extraction work? Thatβs a complete rip-off!β
The dentist replies, βWell, I can make it longer if youβd like.β
π π π
Guy 1: βYesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.β
Guy 2: βAnd since when is Mike your best friend?β
Guy 1: βYesterday.β
π π π
Itβs hotter than Luciferβs armpit in a sun-storm.
π π π
Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?
They always forget to take off the candles.
π π π
What does CHEVY stand for?
Can Hear Every Valve Yell.
π π π
I got in trouble for calling Uranus a gasbag.
But letβs be honest, itβs full of hot air!
π π π
Itβs so hot in the Apple store because they have no Windows.
π π π
Two kids were discussing their back to school sets.
Kid 1: βI have a pen that can write underwater.β
Kid 2: βWow really?!β
Kid 1: βYep. It can write other words, too.β
π π π
What was the skinny scientist so excited about?
He just won the no-belly prize.
π π π
If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:
right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.
π π π
Weβre feeling so blue.
We used to be the Blue Man Group.
π π π
How many non-vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer to stay in the dark.
π π π
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a Buddhist monk on the other side.
There are no bridges. He has no boat.
He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank, βHow do I get to the other side?β
The Buddhist monk shouts back, βYou are on the other side!β
π π π
Good morning!
May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.
π π π
I burned 2000 calories today.
I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βKetchup.β
βKetchup, who?β
βNo, you catch a poo!β
π π π
The other day my yoga instructor turned up to the class drunk.
I was put in quite an awkward position.
π π π