What’s long and green and only shows up once a year?
The St. Patrick’s Day parade.
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Why did Goofy feel sad for his calendar?
He heard its days were numbered.
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Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the roadrunner.
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What do American Elves on the Shelf drink?
Minniesodas.
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Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?
Because they’re easy to push around and never stand up for themselves.
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What do you call playing Fortnite during the day?
Daycare.
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A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.
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Yo momma’s nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!
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What’s a koala’s favorite end-of-the-world food?
Apocalyptus.
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After I broke up with my short girlfriend, she started a YouTube channel dedicated to trashing me.
I said, “Well, that’s a little ex stream.”
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What do you call a leprechaun drinking a Guinness?
Short and Stout.
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What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion?
Ryan.
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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
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What kind of food says mean things about you behind your back?
Shiitake mushrooms.
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A patient goes to the dentist for a tooth extraction.
The dentist gives him some anesthesia and then quickly pulls out the tooth.
He says to the patient, “That’ll be $500, please.”
The patient says, “What! $500 for 5 minutes of extraction work? That’s a complete rip-off!”
The dentist replies, “Well, I can make it longer if you’d like.”
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Guy 1: “Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.”
Guy 2: “And since when is Mike your best friend?”
Guy 1: “Yesterday.”
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It’s hotter than Lucifer’s armpit in a sun-storm.
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Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?
They always forget to take off the candles.
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What does CHEVY stand for?
Can Hear Every Valve Yell.
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I got in trouble for calling Uranus a gasbag.
But let’s be honest, it’s full of hot air!
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