2 hockey players were fighting on the rink.
Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right-handed to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice.
A player on the bench says, “At least he got ice on it right away.”
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What is the definition of a farmer?
Someone is good in their field.
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It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo.
They get really blue.
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New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.
The manager told him, “Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:
If they say how much are the mangoes, you say “$5 a kilo”.
If they ask if they’re ripe, you say “Some are, some aren’t”.
If they say they don’t want to buy, you shrug and say “If you don’t, someone else will”.”
After many attempts using hand gestures, he is satisfied that Con gets it. So he leaves Con alone to see how he goes on his first day.
The first customer comes in and asks how much the mangoes are.
He says, “Five-a dolla per-a kilo.”
The guy asks if they are ripe.
He says, “Summa dey are, Summa dey aren’t.”
He says maybe next time.
So Con shrugs and tells him, as instructed, “If you-a don’t, summabody else will.”
The guy shakes his head and leaves.
Later, another customer comes in.
He asks Con for the time.
Con replies, “Five-a dolla per-a kilo.”
The guy looks very confused, stares at Con for a few seconds, and then asks him, “Is your whole family crazy like you are?”
Con shakes his head and replies, “Summa dey are, Summa dey aren’t.”
The guy is getting pretty angry by now, thinking Con is playing with him.
The guy says, “So, do you want me to punch you in the face right now?!”
Con shrugs again and says, “If you-a don’t, summabody else will.”
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Did you know George III never even bothered to leave his couch during the American Revolution?
He was sofa king comfortable.
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What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
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The father was telling his son a bedtime story.
Father: “Once upon a time there was a white bunny...”
Son: “Jeez, dad it’s boring, what about science fiction?”
“Ok, Ok,” said the father. “Once upon a time there was a bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...”
Son: “Dad, a little more grown up!”
“Do you promise me not to tell your mom?” asked the father.
Son: “I swear!”
Father: “Ok. Once upon a time there was a naked bunny...”
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What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
“I love you with all my art!”
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Yo mama’s so fat that Gardulla the Hutt had a boost in self-esteem after seeing her.
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A hunter shoots a flying goose one day.
Proud of his hit he walks to fetch it only to see a farmer waiting for him, holding the goose.
“Sorry sir, this goose is mine. I shot it,” explains the hunter.
The farmer replies with a smirk, “But it landed on my property, so it’s mine.”
“Excuse me? You can’t just take what’s mine! Hand it over, right now!” The hunter is clearly angry.
The farmer’s grin gets bigger.
“Alright alright,” the farmer says calmingly. “Let’s settle this with a simple game we use around here to resolve an argument. The winner will keep the goose. The rules are simple. I’ll kick you in the nuts and see how much time it takes you to recover. Then you’ll do the same to me. Whoever recovers faster is the winner.”
The hunter, provoked and angry, agrees immediately.
The two get ready, the farmer kicks first. He takes a full swing and hits the hunter right between the legs.
The hunter nearly blacks out. A moment passes before he screams in agonizing pain, holding his crotch. His knees give in and he falls face-first onto the ground.
Time passes and the hunter does his best to endure the pain and get back up.
Eventually, still in pain, the hunter gets back onto his feet.
With teary eyes and a sore throat he says, “Now it’s my turn!”
The farmer looks at him smiling, shakes his head and goes, “Nah, man, It’s fine, you can have it. Here’s the goose, I didn’t want it anyway,” and walks off, laughing out loud.
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Have you heard about the new game getting released?
It’s AI is 20 years ahead of it’s time, the graphics are truly real life, it has an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible.
It’s called “Go outside and ride your bike!”.
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This culture of inclusiveness is getting out of hand.
I mean, even Jurassic Park engineered a Trannysaurus Rex.
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What is the moon’s favorite type of cheese?
Moon-zerella cheese!
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My Papa was a World War 2 Navy veteran, and he used to boast about how he saved 300+ sailors from dying from an excruciating death.
He shot the cook.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Turnip.”
“Turnip, who?”
“Turnip the radio, please!”
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Rise, shine, and try not to spill your coffee. Life’s too short for bad coffee.
Cheers to a spill-tacular day!
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I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.
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I decided to make a witty perfume.
My colleague said the most important component should be the scents of humor.
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You’re gourdgeous!
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There is a beaver in our local zoo who is quite the celebrity. His name is Clint.
Clint EatsWood.
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