Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme.
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A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn’t very good, they got along very well.
One day, he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions.
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Polish man: “Yes, an acre and half and a nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean, what is the foundation of this case?”
Polish man: “It’s made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”
Polish man: “No, we have a carport, and not need one.”
Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
Polish man: “All my relations are still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Polish man: “We have a hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Polish man: “No, I always get up before her.”
Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?”
Polish man: “She’s going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?” Polish man: “I’ve got proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Polish man: “She’s going to poison me. She bought a bottle at the drugstore and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read English pretty well, and it says: POLISH REMOVER.”
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People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it.
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My brother just broke the record by downing 22 jets.
He’ll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Air Force.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
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Good morning!
Hope your morning is less Monday and more Friday!
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What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?
Plump kin.
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Two guys in an insane asylum are up for parole.
The first guy goes to see the committee, and they ask him some questions.
Committee: “Who discovered America?”
Guy 1: “Christopher Columbus.”
Committee: “How long ago was that?”
Guy 1: “Around three hundred years.”
Committee: “Do aliens exist?”
Guy 1: “It’s possible, but there’s no proof.”
He goes back outside and says to the other insane guy, “It’s easy, you just answer “Christopher Columbus”, “Around three hundred years”, and “It’s possible, but there’s no proof”.
So the other guy goes in, and the questions begin.
Committee: “What’s your name?”
Guy 2: “Christopher Columbus.”
Committee (incredulously): “How old are you?”
Guy 2 (with conviction): “Around three hundred years.”
Committee: “Are you insane?”
Guy 2: “It’s possible, but there’s no proof.”
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An employee asked his boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it’s so close to Christmas?”
The boss said, “It’s May.”
“Sorry,” the employee replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it’s so close to Christmas?”
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I’m going to host a boat race. The winner will get pasta.
It will be called the Penne Regatta.
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A mother noticed her little daughter praying.
“Please, God,” the little girl kept saying, “Bless my father and my mother and make Melaka the capital city of Malaysia.”
“Why did you make such as strange request?” the mother asked.
“Because that’s what I wrote in my Geography test this morning!”
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What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?
Mario Sunburnt!
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I had to give up my job as a plumber.
It was just too draining.
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What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.
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Why did the cowboy take hay to bed?
To feed his nightmares.
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What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
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What happens when developers ask a silly question?
They get a silly ANSI.
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What time is it when you see a crocodile?
Time to run.
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Why don’t we inhabit Uranus?
That place is a Gas Hole.
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A nervous man with a wooden eye is alone at a dance. He’s to poor to afford a proper eye, so he’s really insecure about it and has trouble talking to women.
At the dance he sees this pretty looking lady also standing alone across the room. He notices she has these kind of big ears, so he thinks maybe he has a shot with her.
He walks over and asks her if she’d like to dance.
She says excitedly, “Would I? Would I?”
He says, “Aw, get lost then, you big-eared cow!”
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