Best Jokes (4)



Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, β€œAnd what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, β€œIn the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, β€œWell, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, β€œWow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies, β€œYeah, but you started it.”

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My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.

I said, β€œPlease don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.”

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Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position.

But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?

There’s more geese on that side.

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Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?

It was an old family recipe.

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If a lion is the king of the jungle...

Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?

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Once I tried to paint the sky, but I blue it.

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A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.

I took in a breath and asked aloud, β€œWhat’s that smell?”

She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, β€œChanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away.

About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.

She turns to me and asks, β€œWhat’s that smell?”

I say, β€œBroccoli, $1.49 a pound.”

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Why didn’t the vampire bite Taylor Swift?

Because she had bad blood.

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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?

Gutted.

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Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?

Because it might crack up!

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A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, β€œMy god, whoever did this needs help!”

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My commute to work today was just awful!

Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.

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Dating me is basically just being asked the most outrageous hypothetical questions like 10 times a day.

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After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help.

She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus.

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The dad says, β€œA man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”

The kid replies, β€œI hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”

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At first, I really hated the large pimple on my nose.

But it’s grown on me.

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What is a Mormon missionary’s favorite type of car?

A convertible.

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I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...

I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.

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If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

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I went to an English camping party with some vegetables.

We stayed in a tea-pea.

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