Why was the jack-o’-lantern afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts.
😄 😄 😄
Where does a beard stylist buy their grooming products?
At a Shaven Eleven.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man borrowed his mom’s car to take it out for a spin.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a crab that throws things?
A lobster.
😄 😄 😄
Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline.
If you’d like to lose a half pound right now, press “1” 18 000 times.
😄 😄 😄
Yo daddy so drunk his breath gave you liver failure.
😄 😄 😄
Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.
He just replied, “That’s because I use both my nostrils.”
😄 😄 😄
Do or donut, there is no try.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
To get chocolate milk.
😄 😄 😄
A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.
The boss felt sorry for him and didn’t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.
He said to the worker, “Why don’t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?”
The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.
“Sir,” he whispers, his throat feeling worse, “Please slow down, there’s a road crew up ahead.”
“Okay,” the driver whispers back, “I’ll try not to wake them.”
😄 😄 😄
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
😄 😄 😄
The mathematician served something special for dessert. Guess what?
It was a pi.
😄 😄 😄
I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
😄 😄 😄
How do you know when an octopus has diarrhea?
It leaves squid-marks.
😄 😄 😄
Why was Aunt May worried about Peter Parker?
He was spending too much time on the world wide web.
😄 😄 😄
Why was Uranus sad at the solar system party?
It felt left out of the loop.
😄 😄 😄
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
😄 😄 😄
A little-known fact is that Sir Lancelot raised a lot of sheep in his later years to make a living.
But once he got to Egypt he opened his own camel lot.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?
Sick and twisted.
😄 😄 😄
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party.
He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.
He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”
The wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out, “And I can’t remember who she was!”
😄 😄 😄
