What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Plenty of room.
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Arthas and Ulther walk into a room.
Arthas notices a switch on the wall and asks Uther what it’s for.
Uther looks at him and replies, “FOR THE LIGHT!”
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Why do violists stand for long periods outside people’s houses?
They can’t find the key, and they don’t know when to come in.
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What kind of monkey doesn’t eat bananas?
An orangutan.
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A preschool teacher asked her students in class, “Who can count from one to ten?”
Little 3-year-old Timmy swiftly raised his hand, “I can!” and started counting, “One, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!”
The teacher is impressed, “Well done Timmy! Who taught you that?”
“My uncle Bobby!” Timmy said.
“Can you count past ten?” The teacher asked Timmy.
“That’s easy!” Timmy continued, “Jack, Queen, King…”
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I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year.
They chose a hot dog... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
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It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
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Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
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How was your ear operation?
Thursday.
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What do you say when someone dies between February 19th and March 20th?
Rest in Pisces.
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Some cyclists are like clowns:
They dress funny.
They don’t follow any rules.
If anything bad happens to them, everyone laughs at them.
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What do you call an Italian mosquito?
Malario.
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Hiroshima Nagasaki was nothing more than the result of Chuck Norris’ skydiving in Japan.
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What do you call the science dedicated to studying Uranus?
Asstronomy.
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Why did the cool roofer stop hanging out with his friends?
He realized they were squares.
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I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Year’s resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.
My feet have never looked better.
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What did the squirrel say on Labor Day weekend?
“Time to get nutty!”
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Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”
“Yes, my master, I have.”
“And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”
“Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”
And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”
“Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”
“That is the problem. You keep watching all this poop instead of training!”
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Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.
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What code does a depressed programmer write?
“Goodbye, world!”
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