I’m out of bed and I made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?
😄 😄 😄
If you encounter a polar bear in the wild, lie down and pretend that you’re dead.
It’s good practice for when you’ll be really dead, five minutes later.
😄 😄 😄
Why do eggs like April Fools’ Day?
They love practical yolks.
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“Our face is kinda similar to a planet…”
“Oh yeah. Which one?”
“Uranus.”
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My life is like an overproduced comic book series.
It’s just one issue after another, and the plot doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
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What’s the nickname for someone who put their right hand in the mouth of a T-Rex?
Lefty.
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I put all my Harry Styles CDs in chronological order.
I’ve got a one-track mind.
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, “Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?”
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
“No,” says the man, “I wanted a normal KitKat, fatty.”
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I didn’t get accepted to Oxford.
I got all of my commas from the University of Phoenix.
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What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews.
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I threw away my can opener.
It was more of a can’t opener.
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How does Tom Brady have a bad haircut before every game?
He always asks for the Super “Bowl Cut”.
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You’re so observant, would you like me to pat you on your back?
😄 😄 😄
Which city in Ohio has the best bakery?
Toledough.
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Our cardboard spaceship will be great! Just use your i-moon-gination!
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Yo mama’s so fat that even the Death Star couldn’t blow her up!
😄 😄 😄
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
“What are you?” asks the cat.
“I’m a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature are you?”
The cat thinks for a moment and says, “I guess I’m a gnome.”
😄 😄 😄
My calculator stopped working mid-way through my exam.
I can’t count on it anymore.
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I didn’t wear my glasses to the party because I wanted to make a spectacle of myself.
😄 😄 😄
What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?
A pumpkin patch.
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