Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.
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Yo mamma is so ugly that not even Ewoks will let her into their clan.
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A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.
A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, “Your cat got run over by a car and died.”
The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.
His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.
A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.
“What?” he asks.
His friend replies, “Your grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.”
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What do ghosts use to do their makeup?
Vanishing cream.
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I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
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The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.
The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.
The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.
Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping her temples.
The Scarecrow says, “What’s the matter with you guys?”
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A group of engineers and computer scientists from the same university are attending a conference in the next town. They decide to take the train.
The engineers buy one ticket each. The computer scientists scratch their heads, pool their cash, and buy a single ticket.
The engineers think this is strange but watching computer scientists get in trouble should be fun.
The conductor comes around to get the tickets, and all the computer scientists disappear into the bathroom.
The conductor knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket please.”
They slide the ticket under the door, pool their savings, have a few drinks and arrive at the conference in good form.
On the way home, the engineers buy a single ticket. The computer scientists pool their money and buy all the tickets except one. The engineers scratch their heads, but decide not to worry about it and head to the bar.
The conductor comes around, and the engineers pile into the bathroom.
The computer scientist without a ticket promptly walks over to the bathroom, knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”
😄 😄 😄
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
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Good morning!
Hope your morning is less Monday and more Friday!
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Why do people call organic chemistry the meanest science?
Because it’s always pushing electrons around.
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What does a bass guitar and a baseball have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
😄 😄 😄
I accidentally sprayed some deodorant in my mouth today.
Now whenever I’m talking, this weird axe-scent is coming out.
😄 😄 😄
My sister said to me, “Mom wants you to help us fix Thanksgiving Day dinner.”
I said, “Why? Is it broken?”
😄 😄 😄
How do you make the ice cream more expensive?
Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.
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Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip it looks like Ewoks having a party when she talks.
😄 😄 😄
The EU was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner.
But they refused to have turkey.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
😄 😄 😄
What is the busiest day for a chiropractor?
Throwback Thursday.
😄 😄 😄
I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Year’s resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.
My feet have never looked better.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve decided to stop going to my doctor now I’ve found out he’s into astrology.
I went to get the results of a scan and all he had to say was “I’ve consulted your chart and I can see Cancer is rising in Uranus”.
😄 😄 😄
