Best Jokes (4)



The donut shop got robbed.

The burglars said they chose it because the shop was rolling in the dough.

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Looking for some fun?

Come and explore Uranus!

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Who knew I would be an organ donor so early in life?

I already gave my heart to you.

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What were Stephen Hawking’s last words?

β€œError 404. File not found.”

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If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it?

Raisin hell!

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What do ghosts use to do their makeup?

Vanishing cream.

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How are rioters like school in July?

No class.

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I went to see a beet poet the other day.

There were lots of hip peas there.

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What do you call a psychic gnome that just committed a hit and run?

A small medium at large.

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The father was telling his son a bedtime story.

Father: β€œOnce upon a time there was a white bunny...”

Son: β€œJeez, dad it’s boring, what about science fiction?”

β€œOk, Ok,” said the father. β€œOnce upon a time there was a bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...”

Son: β€œDad, a little more grown up!”

β€œDo you promise me not to tell your mom?” asked the father.

Son: β€œI swear!”

Father: β€œOk. Once upon a time there was a naked bunny...”

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Life is better in a sweater.

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What do you call rain on Turkey Day?

Fowl weather.

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I went to a bar for a New Year’s celebration and took a cab home.

Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us to pass.

After a while, I made it home safely, which is surprising because I’ve never driven a cab.

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I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

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Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted, β€œYOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY!”

I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley.

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Employee: β€œYour careers page says the company offers a competitive salary. What does that mean exactly?”

HR: β€œThat means your salary will be competing with your bills.”

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What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?

The Anti-crust.

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What does CHEVY stand for?

Cheapest Heap Ever Viewed Yet.

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Why did the fungi leave the party?

There wasn’t mush-room for dancing.

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Chuck Norris counted to infinity.

Twice.

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