I tried to organize my life like Pinterest.
But it ended up looking more like a messy DIY project.
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Your forehead is so big that the teachers use it as a whiteboard.
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Pessimists are like German vegetarians.
They fear the wurst.
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The attorney kept trying to sue the car dealership over their faulty vehicles.
It was a case of lemon-law.
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What’s the hardest part of the roofing business?
The overhead.
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Johnny tried to buy a toy car with Monopoly money at the store.
The cashier said, “There’s no way I can take this. It’s fake.”
Johnny said, “Well, the car’s not real either.”
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Yo momma’s so fat Yoda couldn’t use the Force to move her.
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How are pandas made?
You punch a polar bear in the eyes.
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Guess what I found in the creepy old professors’ closet?
Narnia business
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Why was the man who grew his beard for an entire year afraid of the barber?
The barber was a hairbinger of doom for him!
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What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
An ambulance, he’s clearly injured.
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It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa.
The university responsed, “Why do we need another phone company?”
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High five! Oops... I guess you’re now stuck with me.
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In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
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My dog has no sense of humor.
Every time I say “knock knock” he just starts barking.
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My teacher told me I couldn’t make a joke about Uranus in class.
But hey, it’s my orbit!
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Why did the alien throw beef on the asteroid?
He wanted it a little meteor!
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Why did Messi bring string to the game?
Because he wanted to tie the score.
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Why was the jack-o’-lantern afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts.
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Where does a beard stylist buy their grooming products?
At a Shaven Eleven.
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