How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day?
92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
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Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”
Student: “My father’s checkbook.”
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I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet.
After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff.
But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
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The reason that no one has returned to the moon for so long is that every time someone tries to book a hotel there, it’s full...
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Why can’t astronauts eat popsicles?
In space, no one can hear the ice cream truck.
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Which vegetable betrayed Jesus?
Judas Is-carrot.
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What’s the best thing about having a big nose?
You’re the first to know when dinner’s ready!
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Did you hear about the Pinterest user who tried to cook a recipe they found on the site?
Let’s just say they added a new pin to their recipe board “Order Takeout!”.
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Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?
It helps with division.
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My apologies for waking you up too early.
I thought you were dead!
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Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He’s over the moon!
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What is the name of Dr. Strange’s cousin who can’t do magic?
Doctor Normal.
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Three pregnant women are chatting in a café.
Heather says, “I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I’m pregnant with triplets!”
“I got mine done yesterday too,” says Linda. “I’m pregnant with septuplets!”
“I think I’ll get my ultrasound done next week,” says Martha.
The three women chat some more.
Finally, Heather says, “I got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was ‘The Three Little Pigs’.”
“I got Disney+ last month too,” says Linda. “The first movie I watched on it was ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’.” When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.
“It’s okay if you don’t have Disney+,” says Heather.
“I do have it,” says Martha. “It’s just that the first movie I watched on it was ‘101 Dalmatians’.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“A loan.”
“A loan, who?”
“I can’t wait to get you a loan.”
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My girlfriend left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants.
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels.
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What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
Hogs and kisses.
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When Chuck Norris was a kid, he entered a pool bombing competition.
This place now widely known as the Niagara Falls.
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Good morning, workmate!
Being around you has inspired me... to quit as well as locate a new work!
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Why do blueberries get along with everyone?
They’re naturally blue-tiful.
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Knick-knack paddywhack, guess what that old man gave his dog?
A bone.
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