Wanted to give being a comedian a try, but I fell and couldn’t stand up...
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Millennial superstitions:
If your phone drops in the toilet bowl, you will have seven years of frustrating eyebrows.
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What’s a vegan’s favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?
En-salad-us.
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What do you call a sea of hot dogs?
Frank Ocean.
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A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched.”
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story, “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”
“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
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Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”
“Don’t get up,” said the Army Ranger, “I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.”
As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Ranger’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, “That looks good, I’d really like one, too.”
Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Ranger’s other shoe and spat in it.
When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“Why does it have to be this way?” he asked. “How long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?”
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What do you call a Malphite getting a double kill against Azir and Anivia?
Killing two birds with one stone.
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Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.”
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, “B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact. How did he do it?”
God smiled all-knowingly, “Jesus saves.”
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An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery.
The Englishman steals three buns, puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and said, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times.
And after eating them again the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
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A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.
The boss felt sorry for him and didn’t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.
He said to the worker, “Why don’t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?”
The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.
“Sir,” he whispers, his throat feeling worse, “Please slow down, there’s a road crew up ahead.”
“Okay,” the driver whispers back, “I’ll try not to wake them.”
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One day, I watched my father grilling burgers.
When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.
He then left, and never came back.
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I’m going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour.
It will be called, Tailor Swift.
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The sun and moon walked into a coffee shop.
Sun: “Oh man, I forgot my wallet!”
Moon: “Don’t worry, I’ll cover you.”
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My New Year’s resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!
I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!
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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?
Rob.
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A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.
After a while of, the doctor asks: “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an archeologist,” she answers.
The doctor responds: “Then I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”
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My twin brothers dressed up as a bird this Halloween, guess what they said?
Trick or tweet.
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I told my dog to stop pinning pictures of bones on Pinterest.
He just can’t resist the temptation to paws and pin.
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A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes, “I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane,” he explained, “and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort.”
Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane.
“How come you changed your theory?” he asked.
“Oh, I didn’t change my theory, it’s just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb.”
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Paddy has just correctly answered the £500,000 question on “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire”.
He has only one question standing between him and the £1m jackpot.
Presenter: “Which of these birds does not live in a nest?
A) Thrush
B) Kestrel
C) Blue Tit
D) Cuckoo”
Paddy has one lifeline left – phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub.
Murphy agrees and immediately shouts, “It’s a cuckoo!”
Paddy goes with that answer and wins the jackpot.
That evening, Paddy was round at Murphy’s bar celebrating.
He turns to Murphy and says, “Murphy, how did you know that cuckoos don’t live in a nest?”
Murphy answers, “That’s the easiest question you could have had! Everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!”
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