Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter says, “We’re pretty full, so we’re making people pass additional tests.
I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and he’s only letting in people who have a connection to Jets.”
All three sets of eyes light up.
Sondheim steps up and says, “I wrote the definitive American musical, and it was all about a gang called the Jets.”
St. Peter waves him through.
John Madden says, “I coached in a classic NFL game, where my Raiders beat the Jets on a last-second touchdown.”
Also gets waived through.
St. Peter says, “OK, Betty, what about you?”
She smiles and says, “If he’s really omniscient, he knows what I do in hot tubs...”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an Indian doctor who likes telling dad jokes and give flu shots?
Pun-Jabby.
😄 😄 😄
Two students are building a model of the solar system.
Student 1: “Did you remember to bring Uranus like I asked you?”
Student 2: “I never leave home without it!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
😄 😄 😄
My friend said that my haircut makes me look like a rooster.
I said it’s a cock-a-doodle do.
😄 😄 😄
I never drink beer with an orange slice in it.
Except once in a Blue Moon.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a poodle’s favorite kind of pizza?
Pupperoni.
😄 😄 😄
A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, “HIJACK!”
All the passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “HI JOHN!”
😄 😄 😄
To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
“Hello.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s a feminist’s least favorite food?
Gender rolls.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Puerto Rican without a car?
Carlos.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call guys who love math?
Algebros.
😄 😄 😄
A Man was watching TV one day, when all of a sudden he began screaming in terror.
“Don’t go in the Church!” he cried. “It’s a trap!”
“Mom, is Dad watching a horror movie?” his son asked.
“No, dear, he’s watching our wedding video,” the mom replied.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?
The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
😄 😄 😄
Two Hippies are walking along a railroad track, stoned.
One Hippie says, “This is a really long staircase, man!”
The other Hippie says, “I don’t mind the stairs, man. It’s this low handrail thats killing me.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue paint say to the red paint when they met?
“You’re looking rosy!”
😄 😄 😄
An alien drops by the White House and exclaims, “Take me to your leader.”
The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.
“Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!” calls a Senator.
“You are right,” responds the alien.
“See you on Thursday!”
😄 😄 😄
Guess who Dracula brings with him to movie premieres?
His ghoul-friend!
😄 😄 😄
