Yo mama so fat she pooped out the Death Star!
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Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
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April 5th. National Read a Map Day.
Got an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can read maps backwards.
I thought to myself, “That’s just spam.”
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How does an attorney sleep?
First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes, “I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane,” he explained, “and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort.”
Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane.
“How come you changed your theory?” he asked.
“Oh, I didn’t change my theory, it’s just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb.”
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Two corns in a field were telling each other corny jokes.
They were the laughing stalk of the field.
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A famous tortoise lives next door. Guess what it’s called?
A shell-ebrity.
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I bought a life-size 3D model of plankton from SpongeBob.
4 days later I got an empty box full of bubble wrap.
I still don’t know where plankton is.
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I’m sure you could donate blood to me because you’re just my type!
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An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.
The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!”
She said, “I can teach it good manners.”
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?”
It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.
She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said “Brr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"
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I auditioned for the role of Mickey Mouse, but I didn’t get the part.
The director said I was too Goofy.
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Two computer nerds start arguing about if they have to pronounce it gif or jif.
The argument gets extremely heated and it goes on for hours.
In the end they just decide to have the sandwich with just the jelly.
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There are no jokes about Chuck Norris.
It’s all true.
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Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
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I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisl?”
I laughed right in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
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What did people say when the headless horseman started dating a zombie?
He’s lost his head!
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On the day my friends were hosting my birthday celebration, I had diarrhea.
I was a party pooper.
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Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves.
The IRS office is of the same opinion.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Mary.”
“Mary, who?”
“Mary Christmas!”
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Anna.”
“Anna, who?”
“Anna Happy New Year!”
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What do a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.
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