A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
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Female monasteries are nun-profit.
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Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.
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What do you call a group of union workers on Labor Day?
A day of rest-olution.
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I donโt need a telescope to see Uranus.
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Nothing changes when you cross thirty, except that you have to replace your moisturizer with anti-aging cream.
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This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
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In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.
One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.
The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, โI hear you are 102!โ
โThatโs correct,โ said the old man with a smile.
โWow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!โ
โThank you,โ said the old man humbly.
โDo you mind if I ask...โ
โHow am I this healthy at my age?โ finished the old man. โHelp me carry this wood back home, and Iโll tell you.โ
The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.
โYou see,โ said the old man, โIโve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, Iโve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! Thatโs why Iโm in the great shape I am.โ
โBut if thatโs the case,โ said the puzzled visitor, โhow come your wife is in such great shape too?โ
โWell,โ smiled the old man, โshe usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.โ
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Whoever it was that invented single ply toilet paper...
Iโd like to shake his hand.
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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, โRose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if thereโs barrel racing there.โ
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, โBarb, youโve been my best friend for many years. If itโs at all possible, Iโll do this favor for you.โ
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, โBarb, Barb.โ
โWho is it?โ asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. โWho is it?โ
โBarb, itโs me, Rose.โ
โYouโre not Rose. Rose just died.โ
โIโm telling you, itโs me, Rose,โ insisted the voice.
โRose! Where are you?โ
โIn Heaven,โ replied Rose. โI have some really good news and a little bad news.โ
โTell me the good news first,โ said Barb.
โThe good news,โ Rose said, โis that thereโs barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, weโre all young again. Better still, itโs always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.โ
โThatโs fantastic,โ said Barb. โItโs beyond my wildest dreams! So whatโs the bad news?โ
โYouโre up here in the slack on Friday.โ
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I just got fired from my new job at the pharmacy.
Apparently โdrug free workplaceโ and โfree drug workplaceโ are not the same thing at all.
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Yo mamaโs so fat her durasteel armor has stretch marks!
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Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โAye Dunnup.โ
โAye Dunnup, who?โ
โEugh, you dunna poo!โ
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What do you call people who were born on Friday the 13th?
By their names.
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Why did the blue marker shy away from the red marker?
It was a little shy-nero.
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldnโt find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, โDo these turkeys get any bigger?โ
Stock boy: โNo, maโam. Theyโre dead.โ
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Did you know Uranus is so big, it canโt even fit into lightweight jeans?
It needs quasar sizes!
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Why do cab drivers make good content marketers?
They can really drive in traffic.
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Patient: โDoctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?โ
Doctor: โYes, of course.โ
Patient: โGreat! I never could before!โ
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How do you make a Pinterest user laugh?
Show them a pin-teresting joke.
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