Why did the atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
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Your mama is so short she doesn’t roll dice she pushes them.
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Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.
Because actions speak louder than words.
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What is Harry Potter’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
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Why is March through May the best time of the month to buy a mattress?
It’s when they are the most springy.
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So hot dog, we meat again.
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What do you call your co-workers in a boring and depressing workplace?
Melancolleague(s).
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What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
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If you get kissed by an alpaca, it’s not the end of the world.
It’s the alpaca-lips.
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Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
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Why was Uranus always mad?
Because it was the butt of everyone’s jokes.
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Why was the burger sad?
Because he had the blue cheese.
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My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients.
I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
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A fly just fell into my butter.
Now it’s a butterfly.
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Paddy has just correctly answered the £500,000 question on “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire”.
He has only one question standing between him and the £1m jackpot.
Presenter: “Which of these birds does not live in a nest?
A) Thrush
B) Kestrel
C) Blue Tit
D) Cuckoo”
Paddy has one lifeline left – phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub.
Murphy agrees and immediately shouts, “It’s a cuckoo!”
Paddy goes with that answer and wins the jackpot.
That evening, Paddy was round at Murphy’s bar celebrating.
He turns to Murphy and says, “Murphy, how did you know that cuckoos don’t live in a nest?”
Murphy answers, “That’s the easiest question you could have had! Everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!”
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A company manager is flying across the desert in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost.
He calls down to a man riding a camel below him and asks where he is.
The man replies, “You’re 42 degrees and 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north, 122 degrees, 10 minutes west, 212 meters above sea level, heading due east by northeast.”
“Thanks,” replies the balloonist. “By the way, are you a data analyst?”
“Yes,” replies the man, “how did you know?”
“Everything you told me was totally accurate, you gave me way more information than I needed and I still have no idea what I need to do.”
“I’m sorry,” replied the camel-riding analyst. “By the way, are you a company manager?”
“Yes,” said the balloonist, “how did you know?”
“Well,” replied the analyst, “You’ve got no idea where you are, no idea what direction you’re heading in, you got yourself into this fix by blowing a load of hot air, and now you expect me to get you out of it.”
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Kim Jong Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.
Oops! Spelled ‘nuclear’ wrong.
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What does a snail wear to go dancing?
Escargogo boots.
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As a child, a lot of kids would shove things up their noses.
Did you use a bowling ball that they never got out again?
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Son: “Dad, have you seen “The Matrix”?”
Dad: “Is that the sequel to April Fools?”
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