When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
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I mustache Mario a question, but I’ll shave it for later.
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Did you hear about Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother?
His name was Brocco Lee.
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Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn... I think I’m going to pass out.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, where are you calling from?”
Caller: “I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?”
Caller: “No.”
Dispatcher: “What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?”
Caller: “Running from the police.”
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Why did the candy bar cross the road?
Because he was choco-LATE for the bus!
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Two otters are going on a journey in a van. Who is driving?
Animal control.
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Why was ChatGPT bad at chess?
Because every time it said “check”, the system thought it was an error.
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What do you call a man who falls overboard and can’t swim?
Bob.
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What is the proper way to use a stress ball at work?
To throw it at the last person that upset you. Instant de-stress.
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Why did the boy want a chocolate milk mustache?
To look like Super Mario.
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Chuck Norris once taught a French Bulldog to be English.
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What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend?
A PayDay.
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Why shouldn’t you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he’ll try to spike all the drinks.
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A man left for work one Friday morning.
Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
“That would be fine with me”, he replied.
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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What do you call a 60-year-old who hasn’t reached puberty?
A late boomer.
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Someone keeps sending me sunflowers with the heads cut off.
Think I have a stalker.
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I asked the waiter, “Do you serve crabs here?”
He said, “Take a seat. We serve everybody.”
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Why was the man with the big nose sad?
He could really smell his feet!
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I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning.
She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”
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Did you hear about the ketchup thief?
He was caught red-handed.
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