When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
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Did you hear about the woman who tried to bribe the police with pennies?
She was taken in by the coppers.
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What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
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My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
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What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyathinkysaurus.
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Wake up, you lazy!
I pray your day be profoundly fruitful.
I know it is very hard in your case, but at least try.
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How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?
He ate him on Sunday night!
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Did you hear about the flat Earth conspiracy?
It’s spreading around the globe.
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Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in class?
Because the class was so bright!
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Yo momma is so dumb she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
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What’s a poodle’s favorite kind of pizza?
Pupperoni.
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Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?
Because it has got less calories.
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Millions of people celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday.
The indigenous people, however, have reservations.
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I promised my new girlfriend the sun, the moon and the stars...
So, I took her to the planetarium.
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Boomers: When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.
Generation X: When life hands you lemons, create a business to market lemon juice as a healthy, low carb, low sugar variation to lemonade. Make millions.
Millennials: Lol, as if anyone would just “hand me” some lemons.
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Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their boats?
So when they come back to port they can...
Scandinavian.
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What number do you call in a Taco emergency?
Nine Juan Juan.
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When I went to the doctor, I said, “Doctor, every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy.”
He replied, “How long have you been getting these Disney spells?”
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The Planets:
71% water + 29% land = Earth
100% land + 0% Chocolate = Mars
100% land + 0% Fertility = Venus
100% land and lava + 0% Freddy = Mercury
100% land + 0% Dog = Pluto
100% gas = Uranus
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Need a couch? Have you tried Sofa Kings?
Their prices are sofa king cheap!
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