How did Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?
They can’t handle stares.
😄 😄 😄
My Millennial son called me for the first time in a year and a half.
I changed the Netflix password.
😄 😄 😄
Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realized my entire life is a joke...
😄 😄 😄
What kind of shoes do artists wear?
Sketchers.
😄 😄 😄
I knew a drummer who became a policeman years ago.
He’s still pounding the beat.
😄 😄 😄
Girlfriend: “Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
Boyfriend: “Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Polish fisherman?
A fishing pole.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris graduated college in one hour.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Polish ape?
Chimpanski.
😄 😄 😄
I’m not here to play mind games.
Except brain freeze.
😄 😄 😄
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a Buddhist monk on the other side.
There are no bridges. He has no boat.
He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank, “How do I get to the other side?”
The Buddhist monk shouts back, “You are on the other side!”
😄 😄 😄
Rise and shine!
Today is a great day to be amazing.
Or at least pretend to be until you’ve had your coffee.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
😄 😄 😄
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
😄 😄 😄
A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
“I did, they’re in your tackle box.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you know George III never even bothered to leave his couch during the American Revolution?
He was sofa king comfortable.
😄 😄 😄
I saw a subliminal advertising executive...
But only for a second.
😄 😄 😄
Where do you go on vacation on April 1st?
Niagara Fools.
😄 😄 😄
I wanted to catch a squirrel, but I didn’t know how.
So, I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
😄 😄 😄
