You are like dandruff because I just can not get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the jack-o’-lantern afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts.
😄 😄 😄
A driver goes into a car accessories store.
“I’d like a satnav, please.”
“OK,” said the assistant, “we have every model possible, European routes, world routes, UK routes.”
“I’ll just take the UK one, please,” said the driver.
“Are you sure, sir, easy to get lost round Europe,” replied the assistant.
“No, the UK is fine,” said the driver, “it’s for the Liverpool team bus next season.”
😄 😄 😄
Why was Aunt May worried about Peter Parker?
He was spending too much time on the world wide web.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the sun such an egomaniac?
He believes that everything revolves around him.
😄 😄 😄
Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?
Because one more, and it’d be too farty.
😄 😄 😄
Getting dress for work is so stressful. Should I put on yoga pants or sweatpants?
😄 😄 😄
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
They couldn’t get the moose in the oven!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bearded man sue the barber who sneakily shaved off his beard?
He barber-ed a grudge against him.
😄 😄 😄
How did the chocolate frog sneak into Hogwarts?
It used the invisibility croak.
😄 😄 😄
An alcoholic is driving home from the bar at 3 am, totally annihilated.
He’s swerving between lanes and gets spotted by a patrol officer, who then pulls him over.
The cop asks the inebriated man where he’s headed at such a late hour.
The drunk replies, “I’m just going to a lecture, officer.”
In disbelief, the officer asks, “Who would be giving a lecture this late?”
The alcoholic replies, “My wife.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s a sheep’s favorite holy text?
The Baa-ble.
😄 😄 😄
Yo daddy so drunk his breath gave you liver failure.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, geez, I had to call the doctor.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat every time she turns around it’s her birthday.
😄 😄 😄
What is the proper way to use a stress ball at work?
To throw it at the last person that upset you. Instant de-stress.
😄 😄 😄
I tell you, my wife is a lousy cook.
After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth, I count them!
😄 😄 😄
Who is the only Looney Tunes character with a doctorate?
Elmer PhD.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a possessed bird?
A polter-goose.
😄 😄 😄
