Hello morning!
If my bedhead had a resume, it would list ‘master of morning chaos.’
May your day be as well-organized as my hair isn’t!
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Why don’t marketers make good chefs?
Because they’re too obsessed with serving ads rather than actual cooking.
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Why did the elephant hide behind the strawberry bush?
The elephant and the ant were playing hide and seek.
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What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?
Phil Ming.
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What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?
Stop touching my buns!
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Would evil alternate-universe Spider-Man be a bad parallel parker?
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Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?
Because they’re easy to push around and never stand up for themselves.
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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
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The bed-and-breakfast I stayed at had a great view.
It was truly sight-resting.
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What do you call someone who’s really into stationary biking?
A cyclepath.
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Yo daddy so short he can do a back flip underneath the bed.
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Little Johnny’s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees Little Johnny pulling faces at another child.
She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, “Johnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”
Little Johnny looks up to her and says, “Well miss, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.”
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Why is chess just like real life?
The king can only take a step at a time and the queen can do as she pleases.
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On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.
“Give me a couple of steaks,” he says.
“We’re out of steaks, but we have hot dogs and chicken,” says the butcher.
“Hot dogs and chicken?!” yells the hunter. “How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hot dogs and chickens?!”
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Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?
His father was hard-boiled.
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Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a 31-day march.
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A driver goes into a car accessories store.
“I’d like a satnav, please.”
“OK,” said the assistant, “we have every model possible, European routes, world routes, UK routes.”
“I’ll just take the UK one, please,” said the driver.
“Are you sure, sir, easy to get lost round Europe,” replied the assistant.
“No, the UK is fine,” said the driver, “it’s for the Liverpool team bus next season.”
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What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave?
Then her name would be mozarella.
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How do you ask a dinosaur if he wants a warm beverage?
“Tea, Rex?”
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What do you call people who were born on Friday the 13th?
By their names.
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