What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion?
Ryan.
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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
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What kind of food says mean things about you behind your back?
Shiitake mushrooms.
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A patient goes to the dentist for a tooth extraction.
The dentist gives him some anesthesia and then quickly pulls out the tooth.
He says to the patient, “That’ll be $500, please.”
The patient says, “What! $500 for 5 minutes of extraction work? That’s a complete rip-off!”
The dentist replies, “Well, I can make it longer if you’d like.”
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Guy 1: “Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.”
Guy 2: “And since when is Mike your best friend?”
Guy 1: “Yesterday.”
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It’s hotter than Lucifer’s armpit in a sun-storm.
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Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?
They always forget to take off the candles.
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What does CHEVY stand for?
Can Hear Every Valve Yell.
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I got in trouble for calling Uranus a gasbag.
But let’s be honest, it’s full of hot air!
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It’s so hot in the Apple store because they have no Windows.
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Two kids were discussing their back to school sets.
Kid 1: “I have a pen that can write underwater.”
Kid 2: “Wow really?!”
Kid 1: “Yep. It can write other words, too.”
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What was the skinny scientist so excited about?
He just won the no-belly prize.
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If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:
right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.
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We’re feeling so blue.
We used to be the Blue Man Group.
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How many non-vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer to stay in the dark.
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A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a Buddhist monk on the other side.
There are no bridges. He has no boat.
He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank, “How do I get to the other side?”
The Buddhist monk shouts back, “You are on the other side!”
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Good morning!
May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.
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I burned 2000 calories today.
I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ketchup.”
“Ketchup, who?”
“No, you catch a poo!”
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The other day my yoga instructor turned up to the class drunk.
I was put in quite an awkward position.
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