Guess what kind of hike I went on today?
I hiked my pants.
😄 😄 😄
What dinosaur would Harry Potter be?
The Dinosorcerer.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man became a vigilante.
Meanwhile, Aunt May became a vigil auntie.
😄 😄 😄
What did the basketball player who loved donuts say after the match?
Let’s go to Dunkin’ Donuts for the hole food protein!
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Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
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You so dumb you tried to put a key in your computer’s keyboard.
😄 😄 😄
How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
If it’s a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Gopher.”
“Gopher, who?”
“Gopher the balloons, it’s party time!”
😄 😄 😄
A lion, a zebra, and a sloth walk into a gym.
The personal trainer approaches them and asks, “What are your fitness goals?”
The lion replies, “I want to improve my speed and agility for hunting.”
The zebra says, “I’d like to work on my endurance to outrun predators.”
The sloth sighs, “I just need to learn to hang in there.”
😄 😄 😄
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird.
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
😄 😄 😄
One fine day Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car.
As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
“Oh no,” Ole protested, “I was only doing tirty, officer.”
“No, you were doing fifty,” replied the cop.
“Really, officer, I was only doing tirty”, Ole replied stubbornly.
“Well,” bellowed the cop, “I clocked you doing FIFTY!”
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up, “Officer, you really shouldn’t argue with Ole ben he’s been drinking.”
😄 😄 😄
An orchestra conductor calls 911, “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”
The 911 operator says, “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”
😄 😄 😄
I saw a lady in tears at the store.
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.
I gave her 100$ because I felt sorry for her.
Plus I had just found about $1,600 in the parking lot.
😄 😄 😄
The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads “Please use toilet brush after using the toilet”.
Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
😄 😄 😄
Roses are red, violets are blue.
Your face is going to meet my shoe.
😄 😄 😄
I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.
1. My credit card number.
2. My social security number.
3. Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate.
😄 😄 😄
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
😄 😄 😄
