Why was Darth Vader bad at sports?
He always choked.
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Wife asks, “Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?”
Husband: “I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.”
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I think I am going to need knee surgery.
Every day I am with you, I fall for you all over again.
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite brand of rice?
Uncle Ben’s.
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The internet connection at my farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Tamara.”
“Tamara, who?”
“Tamara we’ll have turkey leftovers!”
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My pet parrot—Nickel—just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
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This special peach school is for those peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
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A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”
“Twelve dollars,” says the barber.
“And for a shave?”
“Ten dollars.”
“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”
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Girls say I’m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala.
I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.
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How many Apple engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
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Bison Theory
A herd of bison can only move as fast as the slowest bison, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
The slowest bison are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the bison, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
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What do you call an otter with a brand-new pair of glasses?
A see otter.
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Why is it that people who use the metric system of measurement are experts in computers and computer science?
Because they are all very good pro-gram-mers!
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water to do his business, and then returns to the boat.
A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business, and returns across the water to the boat.
Finally, the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around.
The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, “Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were.”
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The sunflower didn’t look very well.
I asked if he was feeling bouquet.
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Pros of working from home:
· No pants
· Loud music.
Cons of working from home:
· You have to make your own coffee
· You talk to yourself too much.
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Why did the disgruntled hot dog vendor quit his job?
He just didn’t relish it.
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When Uranus threw a party, everyone was over the moon!
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What do you call a leprechaun drinking a Guinness?
Short and Stout.
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