Two gnolls are sitting in the woods eating lunch.
One says, “Boy, do I hate my wife.”
And the other one says, “Then just eat the salad.”
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve swallowed my money!”
Doctor: “Take this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.”
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You might be a barrel racer if:
· Your lucky shirt is held together with safety pins and duct tape.
· You take your own temperature and think 102 is normal...
· You can eat a taco on the way to a race and stay in the lines without dropping anything.
· Your husband says he has a backache and you head to the barn to get the Banamine and Bigel Oil.
· Your friend goes to borrow your hairbrush and has to pull horse hair out of it first.
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My neighbor rang my door bell at 3 AM this morning. Can you believe it! 3 AM!!
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
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A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.
He presumes, because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, “We love to fly and it shows.”
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, “Winning the hearts of the world.”
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, “Going beyond expectations.”
The woman looks at him wearily and says, “What the heck do you WANT, moron?”
“Ah!” he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, “American Airlines!”
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I’m in a really boring geology class.
I dust can’t sand it.
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What do you eat at the beach?
A sand-wich.
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A woman walks into the Social Worker’s office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW!” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they’re all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one he is Terry, also.”
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker, “I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell “Terry!”, and when it’s time for dinner, I just yell “Terry!”, and they all come running.
And if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.”
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”
“I call them by their surnames.”
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On your 40th birthday, you might feel old.
You might be right!
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Two drunkards are from their usual drinking spree on their way home when they spot a mango fruit up the tree.
They start tossing stones at the fruit to fell it, after what seems like a lifetime missing the target.
One says to the other, “Maybe it is not even ripe, let me scale up the tree and take a closer look.”
The other agrees.
He tediously scales up the tree and gently squeezes the fruit to feel if it is ripe.
He comes down joyfully to his friend and say, “Yeap, the fruit is damn ripe, let’s get it.”
And they continue tossing the stones to the fruit.
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It has been said about tax:
“For doing wrong, you are taxed a fine.
For doing well, you are fined a tax.”
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What is a wolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
Every time I flush the toilet, I think of you.
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants.
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What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
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What’s the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?
It is possible that UFOs exist.
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A few guys in Spider-Man costumes walked into a bar.
Apparently, they were web designers!
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Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.
Good morning!
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What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?
Space Opera.
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The good news is Elon Musk is turning Twitter headquarters into a homeless shelter.
The bad news is it can only house 280 characters or less.
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