I’m great at multitasking:
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
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It’s so hot you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
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What did Earth say to the other planets?
Get a life!
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When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course”, comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man.
The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.”
“Of Course”, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Scotland are you from?”
“Aberdeen”, comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.”
“Of course”, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrew’s and graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”
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A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
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A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: “Yoooo, I ordered a pizza, and it came with no toppings on it or anything, it’s just bread!”
Domino’s: “We’re sorry to hear about this.”
Customer (minutes later): “Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down...”
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In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.
On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...
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What’s a Pinterest addict’s favorite exercise?
Re-pinning.
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Why did the dyslexic mathematician go to rehab?
He was struggling with addition.
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Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because it got run over half-way.
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Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Water.”
“Water, who?”
“Water you waiting for... Let’s get out the ice cream!”
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“Hey, are you familiar with Landon?”
“Landon who?”
“Slip, fall then landon DEEZ NUTS!”
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I looked at the bottom of a tuna tin and it said “Best Before Date”.
I thought, “No, it isn’t.”
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Ole and Lena went fishing one day on a rented boat and were catching fish like crazy.
Lena said, “We better mark this spot so we can come back tomorrow and catch more fish.”
Ole then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large “X”.
Lena asked him what he was doing, and Ole told her he was marking the spot so they could come back to catch more fish.
Lena said, “You big dummy, how do you know we are going to get the same boat tomorrow?”
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Why did the Roblox character become a musician?
Because they wanted to compose block-sonatas.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t use OFF!
Mosquitos instinctively know not to bite him.
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Spider-Man came all the way down here to tell me I dropped his phone number.
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How can Minecraft players avoid sunburn?
Sunblock.
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