Best Jokes (4)



The father was telling his son a bedtime story.

Father: β€œOnce upon a time there was a white bunny...”

Son: β€œJeez, dad it’s boring, what about science fiction?”

β€œOk, Ok,” said the father. β€œOnce upon a time there was a bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...”

Son: β€œDad, a little more grown up!”

β€œDo you promise me not to tell your mom?” asked the father.

Son: β€œI swear!”

Father: β€œOk. Once upon a time there was a naked bunny...”

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Life is better in a sweater.

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What do you call rain on Turkey Day?

Fowl weather.

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I went to a bar for a New Year’s celebration and took a cab home.

Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us to pass.

After a while, I made it home safely, which is surprising because I’ve never driven a cab.

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I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

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Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted, β€œYOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY!”

I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley.

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Employee: β€œYour careers page says the company offers a competitive salary. What does that mean exactly?”

HR: β€œThat means your salary will be competing with your bills.”

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What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?

The Anti-crust.

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What does CHEVY stand for?

Cheapest Heap Ever Viewed Yet.

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Why did the fungi leave the party?

There wasn’t mush-room for dancing.

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Chuck Norris counted to infinity.

Twice.

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What are the sun’s favorite chocolate bars?

A Milky Way.

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A gnome walks into a bar and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other.

After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night.

The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home.

He turns to the bartender and says, β€œSorry, I’m a little short.”

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What did the blue crayon say to the green crayon?

β€œYou’re green-crayon me!”

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Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

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β€œThere’s something wrong with this dictionary.”

β€œWhat is it?”

β€œThey spelled β€˜love’ wrong. It should be L-U-V, because I know I can’t spell love without U!”

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Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.

The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

β€œSee here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, β€œthis is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to playβ€”you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”

β€œWell,” said the old man, β€œyou see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”

Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.

β€œFATHER!” he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, β€œPINOCCHIO!”

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My wife said, β€œIf we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds.”

I figured why wait, so surprised her that night... with a shiny new bathroom scale.

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My crush told me that I’m pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was β€œYou’re pretty annoying”, but I focus only on the positive things.

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Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?

They make it their business to create a lot of issues.

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