Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn... I think I’m going to pass out.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, where are you calling from?”
Caller: “I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?”
Caller: “No.”
Dispatcher: “What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?”
Caller: “Running from the police.”
😄 😄 😄
The doctor’s office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokémon.
I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a guy who’s laying down in front of a door?
Matt.
😄 😄 😄
Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.
He comes upon a question:
What separates the head from the body?
Ahmed answers:
The axe.
😄 😄 😄
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat she uses the highway as a slip and slide.
😄 😄 😄
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
😄 😄 😄
I wanted to go bowling, but the pins were on strike.
😄 😄 😄
It only takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
😄 😄 😄
How does a physical chemist wash their glassware?
They get an organic chemist to do it.
😄 😄 😄
Guitar tuner: “Hi, I’m here to tune your bass guitar.”
Guy: “I didn’t call a guitar tuner.”
Guitar tuner: “Yeah, I know, but the neighbors called.”
😄 😄 😄
Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high... he just couldn’t stop as fast.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
😄 😄 😄
What does a sick ninja practice?
Kung flu.
😄 😄 😄
I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine.
I’m under a lot of pressure.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat NASA thought she was a planet.
😄 😄 😄
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the chef join Pinterest?
Because they wanted to find the perfect recipe for pin-teresting meals!
😄 😄 😄
“Hey there buddy, I have a bunch of old albums, would you like 2 CD’s...?
“Sure thanks!”
“...to see DEEZ NUTZ!”
😄 😄 😄
“Our face is kinda similar to a planet…”
“Oh yeah. Which one?”
“Uranus.”
😄 😄 😄
