What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry?
Shrekspeare.
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On what day of the week, do monsters eat people?
Chewsday.
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What do you call a tired kangaroo?
Out of bounds.
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Good morning!
The boss is out sick so I’m taking it upon myself to declare today a sick day for us all. Go back to bed!
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Diet day 1:
I removed all the fattening food from my house.
It was delicious.
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What did the butter say to the bread?
“I’m on a roll!”
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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!
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Broccoli looks into the trunk of his car.
He sees an extra tire and exclaims, “Oh! I have a-spar-a-gus!”
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I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.
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I tell you, my wife is a lousy cook.
After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth, I count them!
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Not to be Mushy but since it is your birthday I just want to say: I think you are the most Fungiing awesome mom, you are cute as a Button, you put in the fun in Fungus, you have always been there for Morel support, and you are like a Truffle—hard to find and incredibly valuable.
You are the Champion of Moms! I mean I turned out alright, not to toot my own Trumpet.
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Why don’t they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
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Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.
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Yo mamma is so ugly that not even Ewoks will let her into their clan.
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A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.
A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, “Your cat got run over by a car and died.”
The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.
His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.
A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.
“What?” he asks.
His friend replies, “Your grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.”
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What do ghosts use to do their makeup?
Vanishing cream.
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I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
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The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.
The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.
The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.
Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping her temples.
The Scarecrow says, “What’s the matter with you guys?”
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A group of engineers and computer scientists from the same university are attending a conference in the next town. They decide to take the train.
The engineers buy one ticket each. The computer scientists scratch their heads, pool their cash, and buy a single ticket.
The engineers think this is strange but watching computer scientists get in trouble should be fun.
The conductor comes around to get the tickets, and all the computer scientists disappear into the bathroom.
The conductor knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket please.”
They slide the ticket under the door, pool their savings, have a few drinks and arrive at the conference in good form.
On the way home, the engineers buy a single ticket. The computer scientists pool their money and buy all the tickets except one. The engineers scratch their heads, but decide not to worry about it and head to the bar.
The conductor comes around, and the engineers pile into the bathroom.
The computer scientist without a ticket promptly walks over to the bathroom, knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”
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What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
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