I hope you like veggies cause I love you from my head tomatoes.
😄 😄 😄
What did the angry witch do while riding her broom?
She flew off the handle.
😄 😄 😄
Why do people hate to shave off their beards?
They’re naturally attached to it.
😄 😄 😄
You make me hap-pea.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
😄 😄 😄
How many registered nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they’ll delegate it to the nursing assistants, but they’ll check the vital signs just in case.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!
😄 😄 😄
Next time someone complains about Millennials, remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hard-wood floors.
😄 😄 😄
What does a bass guitar and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
😄 😄 😄
How are pandas made?
You punch a polar bear in the eyes.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog.
😄 😄 😄
How do you stop a warrior from charging?
Take away his credit card.
😄 😄 😄
Dating me is a lot like going to a yard sale.
At first, it looks interesting and enticing, until you get closer, take a look around and realize it’s just a bunch of shit you don’t need.
😄 😄 😄
I wish love is like a baby shampoo it has “No more tears formula”.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
😄 😄 😄
How can you tell when April is happy?
It has a spring in its step.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a café and orders a coffee to go.
The coffee gets up and leaves.
😄 😄 😄
I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Year’s resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.
My feet have never looked better.
😄 😄 😄
Why are donuts good at playing golf?
They always have a hole in one!
😄 😄 😄
