With great power comes a great electricity bill.
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What do you get when you cross Spider-Man with a flatbread?
Pita Parker.
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Why does Spider-Man only have 11 months on his calendar?
Because he lost May.
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Intaxifcation: The wonderful feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.
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Did you hear about the flat Earther who got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove all wrong?
He’ll come around eventually.
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Why shouldn’t you worry about gaining a few extra pounds?
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
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The moon landing is obviously fake.
Like come on, the moon is still up there. It never landed.
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Somewhere, in the universe, there is a world with no war, no hate, no hunger and no poverty.
And also no oxygen.
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What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?
The casse-role.
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When you’re a camel, every day is hump day!
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I roasted a chicken for dinner tonight.
I told it that it was so ugly it could be a turkey and that it laid horrible eggs.
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How did Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
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What is Bob Marley called on a motorbike?
Bob Harley.
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There’s a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery.
The head of the group walks in and says, “I’m seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I’m pretty disappointed.”
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Did you know that Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift’s relationship is over after just three months because he wanted it to be more public?
Guess she wanted it to be more Loki.
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Blue jeans are immortal.
They never die, they just fade away.
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An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her Dad on a “Take Your Kid to Workday”.
As they were walking around the office, the young girl was getting crankier and crankier, crying and sobbing.
Her father asked what was wrong with her.
As the concerned office staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!”
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
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What do you call a washing machine with a September?
An autumn-atic washer.
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On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
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