Why was Aunt May worried about Peter Parker?
He was spending too much time on the world wide web.
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Why is the sun such an egomaniac?
He believes that everything revolves around him.
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Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?
Because one more, and it’d be too farty.
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Getting dress for work is so stressful. Should I put on yoga pants or sweatpants?
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To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
They couldn’t get the moose in the oven!
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Why did the bearded man sue the barber who sneakily shaved off his beard?
He barber-ed a grudge against him.
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How did the chocolate frog sneak into Hogwarts?
It used the invisibility croak.
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An alcoholic is driving home from the bar at 3 am, totally annihilated.
He’s swerving between lanes and gets spotted by a patrol officer, who then pulls him over.
The cop asks the inebriated man where he’s headed at such a late hour.
The drunk replies, “I’m just going to a lecture, officer.”
In disbelief, the officer asks, “Who would be giving a lecture this late?”
The alcoholic replies, “My wife.”
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What’s a sheep’s favorite holy text?
The Baa-ble.
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Yo daddy so drunk his breath gave you liver failure.
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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, geez, I had to call the doctor.”
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Yo mama so fat every time she turns around it’s her birthday.
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What is the proper way to use a stress ball at work?
To throw it at the last person that upset you. Instant de-stress.
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I tell you, my wife is a lousy cook.
After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth, I count them!
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Who is the only Looney Tunes character with a doctorate?
Elmer PhD.
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What do you call a possessed bird?
A polter-goose.
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Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?
Inflation.
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A burglar broke into our house last night.
I didn’t shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.
Our three cats did the rest.
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The physics student asks to go to the bathroom. Professor asks, “Liquid, Solid or Gas?”
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