Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βOwl.β
βOwl, who?β
βOwl good things come to those who wait.β
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Iβm not buying this sweater.
Itβs made of ex-boyfriend material.
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Black Friday β the day when people spend money they donβt have on things they donβt need.
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It just seems that lately nobody really notices all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort I put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much I try to βget in the spotlightβ and display my art, people seem to just pass it by and go on like they havenβt even noticed it, not even giving it a glance or a moments thought.
Iβm in a rut right now. Its hard to stay motivated and creative when all the hard work goes unnoticed, despite the pay being good.
For those wondering, I design camouflage.
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Why donβt pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
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My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel.
I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me.
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βMr. Jones, Iβve reviewed this case very carefully,β said the divorce court judge, βand Iβve decided to give your wife $300 a week.β
βThatβs very fair, your honor,β said the husband. βIβll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.β
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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, βHoney thereβs a witch at the door. What shall I do?β
She shouted back, βJust give her some candy and tell her to get lost.β
My mother-in-law hasnβt spoken to me since.
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Yo sister so fat the only way she burns calories is when her food catches on fire.
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Once a boy was killing mosquitoes.
The girl asked him, βHow many mosquitoes have you killed?β
He replied, β3 female and 2 male.β
She asked, βHow did you know that they were male or female?β
He replied, β3 were sitting in front of the mirror and the 2 were sitting on the treadmill.β
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Yo mama so fat she wears two watches, one for each time zone sheβs in.
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I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friendβs mustache.
Now sheβs not talking to me.
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I went to a haunted bed-and-breakfast in France.
That place was giving me the crΓͺpes.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βTurnip.β
βTurnip, who?β
βTurnip the radio, please!β
π π π
Itβs so hot fire ants are really on fire.
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Happy 30th, the age where society expects us to have our life together, but weβre still figuring out how to fold a fitted sheet.
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Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
π π π
This Halloween, Gucci sold out all of their $500 scented candles.
Some people seem to have so many dollars but not enough scents.
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My doctor warned me that constantly singing Frank Sinatra songs was bad for my health, but I just wouldnβt listen.
And now, the end is near.
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Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
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