An aircraft was traveling from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, โWe have lost one engine, but donโt worry, there are still three left. However, we will need seven hours to get to New York instead of five.โ
A little later, the pilot announced, โAnother engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York.โ
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, โA third engine was broken. Never fear because the planeโs still able to fly on one engine. However, itโll take another 18 hours to get from here to New York.โ
At this point, one passenger said, โGee, I hope we donโt lose that last engine, or weโll be up here forever!โ
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Perfume is a very logical business.
It always makes scents.
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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driverโa young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieโpoked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, โHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?โ
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, โSure.โ
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, โYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.โ
โImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,โ said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, โIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?โ
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, โYouโre on.โ
โYou are an auditor,โ said the shepherd without hesitation.
โThatโs correct,โ said the young man, impressed. โHowever did you guess?โ
โIt wasnโt a guess,โ replied the shepherd. โYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenโt asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!โ
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What is a recently divorced womanโs favorite fruit?
Mango.
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Yo mama so fat not even Superman can lift her.
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Why did the husband say after grabbing his wifeโs love handles while looking at all her skin?
โYou are so skinny.โ
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Why could Spider-man not drive a car decently even once?
Because he always confused drifting with spinning and end of in accidents.
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I love you un-cone-ditionally.
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Trying to wake you up is such a thrill.
Itโs like waking up a mad beast from its ponderous slumber.
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The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
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Donut underestimate the power of baked goods.
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I wanted to start a hide-and-seek league.
But good players are hard to find.
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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, โDonโt do that again.โ
โSorry,โ I said, โIt must be the nerves.โ
โFair enough,โ he replied, โBut there was no need to hold the microphone to your ass.โ
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Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โChicken.โ
โChicken, who?โ
โJust chicken this is the right house!โ
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Three astronauts are sitting at a table: one from the US, one from Russia and one from Poland.
The US astronaut says, โWeโre going to Mars.โ
The Russian says, โWe made it to the moon.โ
The Pole says, โWeโre going to the sun.โ
The other two astronauts say, โYou canโt land on the sun, youโll burn. Thereโs nothing to land on.โ
The polish guy says, โDonโt tell anyone, but weโre going at night!โ
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What is the difference between a cookie and a cracker.
Cookies donโt care if you pull down a civil war statue.
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad Iโm a vampire.
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Do you come from a family of math nerds?
If you do, then you have square roots!
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Why was the toilet paper in detention?
It was unraveling all the time!
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How do people know Taylor Swift had a breakup?
Because she releases a whole album about it.
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