My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
😄 😄 😄
Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them.
To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one.
He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.
😄 😄 😄
My wife was talking about funeral plans.
My Wife: “I said we’ll give you a military send off like the sailors on a ship.”
Me: “I was in the Air Force.”
My Wife: “OK, we’ll toss you out of an airplane.”
😄 😄 😄
I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...
They’re too fast. I’d never win.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can blow up things, without a bomb.
😄 😄 😄
Why do eggs like April Fools’ Day?
They love practical yolks.
😄 😄 😄
I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee.
😄 😄 😄
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm.
I decided to cyclone.
😄 😄 😄
My wife said she wanted to name our child Eevee because she thought it would be cool to name it after a Pokémon.
I said, “Ditto.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat that Wedge Antilles said “Look at the size of that thing!”.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call someone dressed as a clown who falls down the stairs?
An ambulance.
😄 😄 😄
Do songbirds get mad at hummingbirds...
Because they don’t know the words.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so dumb she thought a lightsaber has fewer calories!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue-faced man get lost?
He was feeling blue and couldn’t find his way.
😄 😄 😄
The other day my yoga instructor turned up to the class drunk.
I was put in quite an awkward position.
😄 😄 😄
When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my dad said, “Well, have you tried euthanasia?”
In the background, I could hear my mom yell, “For the last time, Henry, it’s pronounced ‘Echinacea!’, ‘Echinacea!!!’.”
😄 😄 😄
I don’t always look at the heavens.
But when I do, it’s because I’m looking at Uranus.
😄 😄 😄
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk?
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
😄 😄 😄
My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
We still don’t know to whom that leg belonged.
😄 😄 😄
