How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?
Rename Uranus to Ouranus.
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What does CHEVROLET stand for?
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.
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My great uncle Chuck started the Elf on a Shelf tradition.
Well, actually he was a drunk on a bunk, but we toned it down for the kids.
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I’m trying to learn how to find a ripe avocado.
It’s not that hard.
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Why is the woman afraid of the vampire?
Because he is all bite and no bark.
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What is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?
Imagination.
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What do an insurance policy and a woman have in common?
They are both expensive, difficult to understand, and what you get is not guaranteed.
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Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David.
Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.
Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said. “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!”
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross, and said. “Moishe, would you look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?”
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.
One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.
The colleague asked, “Why do you always drive so fast through intersections?”
To which the statistics teacher responded, “Well, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!”
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My kids are buying me gifts for Father’s Day.
I hope I can afford it.
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My local store sells clothes made of bricks.
It’s a hardware store.
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Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short.
Looks like they ran out of characters.
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My pet parrot—Nickel—just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
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The bird developed an illness.
I think it started when the bird flu.
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What’s the best thing to play a bass guitar with?
A razor blade.
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Yo mamma so fat when she went on a diet she ended world hunger.
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What do you call a zombie that writes the music?
Decomposer.
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What do you call a Catholic priest who became a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
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