A guy was in a bar drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”
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A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES.
The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read MAIN ENTRANCE.
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A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.
“Will I be able to race this horse again?” he asks.
The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”
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Latest space news:
Uranus has a huge split in it and is leaking methane.
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I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop, but I turned it down.
I don’t like working on sundaes.
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“Got any crackers?” asked the duck of the bartender.
The bartender replies, “No, get out of here!”
The duck returns after a few minutes and asks, “Got any crackers?”
The bartender yells, “No! If you ask me again, I’m gonna nail your beak shut!”
The duck returns in a half hour, “Got any nails?”
Bartender: “NO! Get out of here!”
Duck: “Got any crackers?”
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, “You’re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before it’s too late!”
The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later, a loud crash is heard.
One of the nuns thoughtfully says, “Sister, shall we just write ‘Attention, the bridge is demolished’?”
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Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.
It was the guy in the booth behind her.
“Not so loud!” he said.
“What?” she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.
“I said not so loud!” was his muffled reply.
Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.
“How was your day?” questioned the man from behind once again.
“Pretty good,” responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.
“Did you pass the exam?” came the next question from behind.
“I don’t know, I didn’t get my grade yet,” replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty.
“I’ll have to call you back when I’m out of here”, came the voice from behind once again, “some nut job is answering every question I ask you!”
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Blessed be your morning, o holy one!
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Why did the Roblox character become a musician?
Because they wanted to compose block-sonatas.
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Working from home becomes more difficult when your bed and YouTube constantly beg for your attention.
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I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
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Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money?
He’s a little short.
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Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech.
In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
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What do the New York Yankees and pancakes have in common?
They both need a good batter!
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My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.
However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it’s an auto-biography.
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Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?
Like, I was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me “Hey! Watch It!”.
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Why was Darth Vader bad at sports?
He always choked.
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Why did the man reach the bowling alley before his friends?
To get the ball rolling.
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