Chuck Norris is the only one that can turn lemonade into lemons.
😄 😄 😄
Why do wolves howl at the moon?
Cause they don’t know how to use cell phones.
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Yo mamma’s so ugly they cut her Cantina scenes in Star Wars.
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I once accidentally poured glue in my son’s corn flakes.
He’s never talked to me again.
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TIL that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden.
Who the hell is going to let me know when it’s raining in Sweden?!
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the corn flakes back in the box.’
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The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
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Love is a lot like peeing your pants.
Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.
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It’s so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
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What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
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What do you get when you cross an alien and something white and fluffy?
A martian-mallow!
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One fine day Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car.
As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
“Oh no,” Ole protested, “I was only doing tirty, officer.”
“No, you were doing fifty,” replied the cop.
“Really, officer, I was only doing tirty”, Ole replied stubbornly.
“Well,” bellowed the cop, “I clocked you doing FIFTY!”
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up, “Officer, you really shouldn’t argue with Ole ben he’s been drinking.”
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Your mama’s so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
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What do you call 10 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call 100 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call 1000 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
Still a problem.
What do you call all of the Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
PROBLEM SOLVED!
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You’re so fly, all I want to do right now is wrap you up and take you to my web.
😄 😄 😄
I wanted to start a hide-and-seek league.
But good players are hard to find.
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When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my dad said, “Well, have you tried euthanasia?”
In the background, I could hear my mom yell, “For the last time, Henry, it’s pronounced ‘Echinacea!’, ‘Echinacea!!!’.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s breath is so bad that when she talks her nose hairs fall out.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make a skeleton laugh?
Tickle their funny bones.
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What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?
Claude.
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