What is the best time of day to play Super Mario?
The Wii hours of the morning.
😄 😄 😄
Me and my childhood crush are getting married next week.
Me on Wednesday and she on Saturday.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call pandas on April 1st?
Bamboo-zler!
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?
He wanted an off-ice job.
😄 😄 😄
A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.
“Sure,” the airline agent said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”
She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was perplexed.
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
😄 😄 😄
Why doesn’t summer have any friends?
Because it’s not cool enough.
😄 😄 😄
A Native American hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.
As they were driving along, the Native American noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents.
The city man replied, “It’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife.”
The Native American looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said, “Good trade.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ivana.”
“Ivana, who?”
“Ivana piece of your birthday cake.”
😄 😄 😄
I thought I saw a squirrel on the roof.
But it was just a roofing nut.
😄 😄 😄
Me and my buddy were going to go pro, but we couldn’t play because we had sinus problems... No one would sign us up.
😄 😄 😄
Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.
They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.
😄 😄 😄
Just because someone found out how to connect a keyboard and a portable radio together doesn’t make them a nerd
That would be stereotyping.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the planet Uranus stop being a musician?
It couldn’t handle the pressure of always being the butt of the band’s jokes.
😄 😄 😄
Why is math said to be a codependent?
It relies on others to solve its problems.
😄 😄 😄
You enter the laboratory and see an experiment.
How will you know which class is it?
If it’s green and wiggles, it’s biology.
If it stinks, it’s chemistry.
If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.
😄 😄 😄
What did the beard say after growing back on the man’s face?
“I’ve been hair before!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
😄 😄 😄
I asked my friend what spiders eat.
He didn’t know.
He said I should go and check on the web.
😄 😄 😄
When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you are eating a watermelon.
😄 😄 😄
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.
After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate, and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.
Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice answered, “NO, IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE HOCKEY RINK!”
😄 😄 😄
