Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert.
I thought they’d be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...
That in-prison mint isn’t as bad as I expected!
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Sherlock Holmes got audited by the IRS.
He had too many deductions.
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Yo momma so fat she can’t reach her back pocket.
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The house is on fire!
Wake up!
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A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code.
He refused to comment.
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She’s feeling so blue.
She might as well be called the ocean.
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Your mama so short she has to hold a sign up that says “Don’t spit, I can’t swim”.
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My friends keep telling me I’m on the autism spectrum.
I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
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Why did the mushroom break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was toxic!
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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s very time-consuming.
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Did you know that you only need two letters to spell panda?
You just need P and A.
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:
“Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”
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My wife says she’s leaving me due to my obsession with cricket.
I’ll be honest, it’s knocked me for six.
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What kind of food says mean things about you behind your back?
Shiitake mushrooms.
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Why did Minnie hang up the phone on Mickey?
She was feeling Goofy at the time.
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The hardest part about working from home is the distractions, my girlfriend never stops talking to me while I’m on my PlayStation.
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Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, “Because people are sleeping!”
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Yo head is so big if it were a bowling ball, score a strike every time.
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My friend told me that onions were the only things that could make him cry.
So I threw a bowling ball at him to prove him wrong.
😄 😄 😄
How does a robot eat its guacamole?
With micro-chips.
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