It’s hotter than a redhead’s getting a parking ticket.
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I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app on my phone.
It sent an ambulance to my house.
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I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it’s just not as big.
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Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.
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What’s the first sign that you have caught bird flu?
Fowl symptoms.
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Your mama so dumb she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
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April Fools’ Day.
The day, every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
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What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
“Dear me, it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantity to impair my speech.”
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How do you make a skeleton laugh?
Tickle their funny bones.
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You are so dumb you asked what the capital of Paris was.
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What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
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What monster plays the most April Fools’ jokes?
Prankenstein!
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What’s a bowling ball’s favorite sweet?
Skittles!
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
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which is the most feminine candy?
it’s Hershey!
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What kinds of beer makes you urinate vowels?
IPAs.
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Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends’ food looked like.
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It’s as cold as a brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska.
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Daisy: “Why do you have two different colored socks on? One’s blue, but the other is green.”
Little Johnny: “I’m not sure. It’s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.”
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What US state is round on the sides but tall in the center?
Ohio.
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