What did the first person to get April fooled say?
“Jesus! I thought you were dead!”
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Thought I would be fine having another drink. Woke up later in an alley.
Then, the bowling ball hit me.
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A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman.
“What’s the secret to your longevity?”, he asked.
Old woman: “Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone.”
The reporter laughed, “That’s ridiculous. That can’t be the real reason.”
The old lady smiled and nodded, “You’re probably right.”
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Whoever said laughter is the best medicine.
Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
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What’s brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
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What did the guy with big ears say when his boss asked if he could have a word with him?
“I’m all ears.”
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What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?
U.V. Ray.
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Do or donut, there is no try.
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Yo mama so ugly Instagram tagged her selfies “explicit content’.
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Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”
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Guess why elephants always get the first word?
Because their opinion carries a lot of weight!
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Good morning!
May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.
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Yo mom’s so fat Luke couldn’t believe she wasn’t a moon!
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What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?
Why so Sirius?
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Yo mama’s so fat that even stormtroopers can’t miss her.
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A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”
The barman looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the brain.
“You’re already out of your head.”
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You know you’re 40 when you have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize.
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A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,” and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.
She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, “Look, lady, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already.”
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When the cow jumped over the moon...
Never have the steaks been so high.
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My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.
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