Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl good things come to those who wait.”
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I’m not buying this sweater.
It’s made of ex-boyfriend material.
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Black Friday – the day when people spend money they don’t have on things they don’t need.
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It just seems that lately nobody really notices all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort I put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much I try to ‘get in the spotlight’ and display my art, people seem to just pass it by and go on like they haven’t even noticed it, not even giving it a glance or a moments thought.
I’m in a rut right now. Its hard to stay motivated and creative when all the hard work goes unnoticed, despite the pay being good.
For those wondering, I design camouflage.
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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
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My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel.
I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me.
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“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”
She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
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Yo sister so fat the only way she burns calories is when her food catches on fire.
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Once a boy was killing mosquitoes.
The girl asked him, “How many mosquitoes have you killed?”
He replied, “3 female and 2 male.”
She asked, “How did you know that they were male or female?”
He replied, “3 were sitting in front of the mirror and the 2 were sitting on the treadmill.”
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Yo mama so fat she wears two watches, one for each time zone she’s in.
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I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend’s mustache.
Now she’s not talking to me.
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I went to a haunted bed-and-breakfast in France.
That place was giving me the crêpes.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Turnip.”
“Turnip, who?”
“Turnip the radio, please!”
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It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
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Happy 30th, the age where society expects us to have our life together, but we’re still figuring out how to fold a fitted sheet.
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Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
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This Halloween, Gucci sold out all of their $500 scented candles.
Some people seem to have so many dollars but not enough scents.
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My doctor warned me that constantly singing Frank Sinatra songs was bad for my health, but I just wouldn’t listen.
And now, the end is near.
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Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
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