An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder.
The barman asks, “Where did you get that?”
The seagull replies, “Down the tip, there are heaps of them there.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s closer, France or the Moon?
The Moon, obviously! You can’t see France from here!
😄 😄 😄
“Mum, I just won this phone in a race!”
“Who was in the race?”
“The owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”
😄 😄 😄
Paddy has just correctly answered the £500,000 question on “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire”.
He has only one question standing between him and the £1m jackpot.
Presenter: “Which of these birds does not live in a nest?
A) Thrush
B) Kestrel
C) Blue Tit
D) Cuckoo”
Paddy has one lifeline left – phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub.
Murphy agrees and immediately shouts, “It’s a cuckoo!”
Paddy goes with that answer and wins the jackpot.
That evening, Paddy was round at Murphy’s bar celebrating.
He turns to Murphy and says, “Murphy, how did you know that cuckoos don’t live in a nest?”
Murphy answers, “That’s the easiest question you could have had! Everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!”
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I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with earpiece).
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What type of mushrooms are the worst to have as friends?
Shii-talkin!
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Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
😄 😄 😄
Why do llamas have such long necks?
To make sure their heads stay on.
😄 😄 😄
An Alien visited the Solar system and ate Jupiter.
When asked how it was the Alien replied simply:
“Gastronomical.”
😄 😄 😄
Your so ugly when you were born your mom said, “Oh, what a treasure!”
And your dad said, “Yeah, le’ts bury it.”
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I met this dude once who was really into mushrooms.
He was a real fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
A driver goes into a car accessories store.
“I’d like a satnav, please.”
“OK,” said the assistant, “we have every model possible, European routes, world routes, UK routes.”
“I’ll just take the UK one, please,” said the driver.
“Are you sure, sir, easy to get lost round Europe,” replied the assistant.
“No, the UK is fine,” said the driver, “it’s for the Liverpool team bus next season.”
😄 😄 😄
A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driver—a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tie—poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, “Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, “Sure.”
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“Impressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, “You’re on.”
“You are an auditor,” said the shepherd without hesitation.
“That’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. “However did you guess?”
“It wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. “You show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the blue plane that crashed?
They said it was a skyblunder.
😄 😄 😄
I went to watch Spider-Man playing baseball.
He was great at catching flies.
😄 😄 😄
Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.
The landlady said to me, “We charge twenty pounds a night—bed and breakfast—or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.”
“Oh, all right,” I said, “I’ll make the bed.”
And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.
😄 😄 😄
An little old woman arrives home from bingo and her husband comes running up to her saying, “Thank goodness you’re home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!”
She replied, “A lunatic? There were hundreds of them!”
😄 😄 😄
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?
A polar bear.
😄 😄 😄
Girlfriend: “Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?”
Boyfriend: “Yes, February 14th.”
😄 😄 😄
