Yo mamma so hairy that Han Solo mistaken her for Chewbackaο»Ώ.
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What do you call a sad little blue planet?
A gloom.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βUranus.β
βUranus, who?β
βUranus is a gas giant.β
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What do you call a unicornβs dad?
Popcorn.
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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldnβt need it.
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Why is North Korea so good at geometry?
Because they have a supreme ruler!
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Did you hear about the evangelical atheist?
She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.
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His true blue loyalty was betrayed by his green envy.
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Why does Spider-Man hate driving with his evil twin?
Because heβs a bad parallel Parker.
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What did Darth Vader say to the Emperor at the Star Wars auction?
βWhat is thy bidding, my master?β
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The teacher asks her students, βWhat is the closest planet to Earth?β
The class all respond by yelling out, βThe sun!β
Little Johnny then puts his hand up as says, βUranus.β
The teacher looks confused and asks, βWhy do you think that, Johnny?β
Little Johnny replies to her, βBecause it is right behind you, Miss.β
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A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canβt find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:
βPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!β
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
βNever mind. Found one!β
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How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists wonβt claim that god did it.
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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?
Rename Uranus to Ouranus.
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What does CHEVROLET stand for?
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.
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My great uncle Chuck started the Elf on a Shelf tradition.
Well, actually he was a drunk on a bunk, but we toned it down for the kids.
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Iβm trying to learn how to find a ripe avocado.
Itβs not that hard.
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Why is the woman afraid of the vampire?
Because he is all bite and no bark.
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What is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?
Imagination.
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What do an insurance policy and a woman have in common?
They are both expensive, difficult to understand, and what you get is not guaranteed.
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