I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?
Getting a scare-cut!
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What was the full name of Eddie Murphy’s character in Shrek?
Donkey Ho-tay!
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Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
They couldn’t get the moose in the oven!
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Taylor Swift’s latest song sounds almost exactly like one of Madonna’s hits from the 80s.
It’s Borderline plagiarism.
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Why did the bearded man decline the invitation to a charity event?
It was a fund razor.
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Why does the Easter Bunny drink beer?
He loves the hops.
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It’s your birthday; let’s donuts!
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There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.
Morel of the storey.
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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”
She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
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A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
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Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
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How are pandas made?
You punch a polar bear in the eyes.
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An astronaut and an alien walk into a bar...
S p a c e b a r.
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What happened to the man who drove to Vegas in a $25,000 Chevy?
He came home in a $250,000 vehicle—a greyhound bus.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Candice.”
“Candice, who?”
“Candice be the birthday cake? I’m starving!”
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I went out the other day and there was a butterfly wrapped up in a web.
A few days later it had turned into a spider.
Natures amazing.
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What’s a Christian’s favorite flower?
Jesus Rose.
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What do you call a Polish ape?
Chimpanski.
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death—we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
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Johnny was a preschool student who did not know grammar or math very well.
While in class, his teacher asked, “What’s 2+2?”
Johnny answered, “I four-get.”
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