How do you tell poisonous mushrooms apart from edible ones?
You give them to someone else to eat first.
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Have you heard about the new game getting released?
Itโs AI is 20 years ahead of itโs time, the graphics are truly real life, it has an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible.
Itโs called โGo outside and ride your bike!โ.
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I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I donโt think she likes them.
She said thatโs gross.
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Yo mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
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Did you hear about the influencer who became a suicide bomber?
At first he had barely any followers, but then he blew up.
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Chuck Norrisย once lent his silly string to aย teenager.
We now know him as Spider-Man.
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My boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and canโt figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting.
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Whatโs the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
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Whatโs the lazy bakerโs favorite recipe?
Loaf bread.
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An Indian walks into a cafรฉ with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, โMe want coffee.โ
The waiter says, โSure chief, coming right up.โ
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, โMe want coffee.โ
The waiter says, โWhoa, Tonto. Weโre still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?โ
The Indian smiles and proudly says, โMe in training for upper management: come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.โ
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At the IRS audit.
IRS: โAccording to your tax return, you claim got money for nothing and checks for free.โ
Taxpayer: โAm I in trouble for that?โ
IRS: โWeโd say youโre in dire straits.โ
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A preschool teacher asked her students in class, โWho can count from one to ten?โ
Little 3-year-old Timmy swiftly raised his hand, โI can!โ and started counting, โOne, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!โ
The teacher is impressed, โWell done Timmy! Who taught you that?โ
โMy uncle Bobby!โ Timmy said.
โCan you count past ten?โ The teacher asked Timmy.
โThatโs easy!โ Timmy continued, โJack, Queen, Kingโฆโ
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A Polish man calls 911.
Operator: โ911, whatโs your emergency?โ
Pole: โHelp! My wife is trying to kill me!โ
Operator: โHow do you know?โ
Pole: โI checked her medicine cabinet and found โPolish Removerโ!โ
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When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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What are Schrodingerโs catโs pronouns?
Is/isnโt.
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Guess what coffee and motivational coaches have in common?
They encourage people to espresso themselves!
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My addiction to helium is out of control, but...
No one is taking my cries for help seriously.
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Thanks to the coronavirus, we can now explain calling Gen Z โZoomersโ.
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What happens if you combine a vampire and a snowman?
You get frostbite.
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What do you call a bug that hesitates before biting something?
A nervous tick.
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