Why do blue whales need computers?
To go on their whale-net.
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My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party.
I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.
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Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
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Why did the jelly go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling jammed up.
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My dad called. He said he’s coming back home after all these years.
The Boomer rang.
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Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech.
In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
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They tell me to not tell anyone about my dreams.
So I guess I can’t tell anyone about you then.
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I went to see my doctor today with a lettuce stuck in my butt.
He just applied a dressing and sent me home.
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I suspect the moon wasn’t hungry last night.
It looked full.
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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a gorgeous blond in a bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits, and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blond in an even more outrageous bikini, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father. Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said, “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”
“Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”
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Nobody wants to be alone.
A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance. Beer belly, completely bald...
I don’t like her chances.
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Where do sailors go when they feel sick?
The dock-tor.
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Pepito asks his teacher, “Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
The teacher tells him, “No, Pepito, of course not.”
Pepito responds, “That’s good because I didn’t do my homework.”
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What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
“To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”
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Easter this year is April Fools’ Day.
Just remember that so you don’t fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
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What can a whole pizza do that a half pizza cannot do?
A whole one can look round.
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What is a NASA office worker’s favorite part of the workday?
Launchtime.
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My favorite planet is Uranus because it’s just so well-rounded.
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Two Hippies are walking along a railroad track, stoned.
One Hippie says, “This is a really long staircase, man!”
The other Hippie says, “I don’t mind the stairs, man. It’s this low handrail thats killing me.”
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What do you call an older woman who was born around late November and early December?
Saggytarius.
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