Best Jokes (4)



If Mario lived in the United States, what state would he live in?

Luigiana.

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A shark just ate my girlfriend during our fishing trip.

Will you be my new one?

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The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, โ€œYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?โ€

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but I donโ€™t think Iโ€™m supposed to do that.โ€

But the Pope persists, โ€œPlease?โ€

The driver finally lets up, โ€œOh, alright, I canโ€™t really say no to the Pope.โ€

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: โ€œChief, I have a problem.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhat sort of problem?โ€

Cop: โ€œWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but itโ€™s someone really important.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the mayor?โ€

Cop: โ€œNo, no, much more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the governor?โ€

Cop: โ€œWay more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œLike the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œMuch more important.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhoโ€™s more important than the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œI donโ€™t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!โ€

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Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œI eat mop.โ€

โ€œI eat mop, who?โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s revolting!โ€

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What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?

He said, โ€œHey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.โ€

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From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

โ€œWho is it?โ€ a passenger asks the captain.

โ€œI have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.โ€

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I made a blue smoothie today.

It was berry good.

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What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?

โ€œHey, pal, want to blue me away?โ€

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Itโ€™s so cold, you have to open the fridge to heat the house.

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Love is a very complex matter of chemistry. And that is why my partner treats me like toxic waste!

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A woman goes into labor and at the hospital the doctor says, โ€œThrough the miracles of science, weโ€™ve invented a new machine that will transfer the pain of childbirth to your husband. Would you be the first couple to try it out?โ€

So the husband and wife talk about it and agree that itโ€™s only fair that they share the pain together.

They get hooked up to the machine and as she gets further along the husband gets a little skittish and says, โ€œOK, listen, I know this is going to be super painful, so letโ€™s start it at about 3.โ€

The doctor turns on the machine and before long the husband says, โ€œWow, this is nothing! Go ahead and turn it to 5.โ€

A couple more minutes go by, and again he says, โ€œMan, this is easy, letโ€™s go up to 7.โ€

The husband still sits there calmly and as the baby gets closer he says, โ€œGee honey, I donโ€™t get what all the fuss is about, this is nothing. You women have been complaining about how horrible this is, but itโ€™s a breeze. Gimme everything.โ€

So the doctor turns it up all the way.

The woman has the best, most painless delivery ever, and the husband just sits there like a champ with barely a grimace on his face.

Afterward, the doctor interviews them and the man is still in disbelief over how effortless it was and says heโ€™d gladly do it all again, โ€œI barely felt anything, men are so much tougher than women.โ€

Then, after the woman recovers, they gather their things and take their newborn home with them.

... and find the delivery driver lying dead on the front porch.

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What did the mom say when her kid dropped their hot dog?

It could always be wurst!

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Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.

Damn lunatics!

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What do plumbers, garbage men, and economists all have in common?

They all deal with gross domestic product.

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Three Indian commandos were out in the Iraqi desert.

โ€œI understand that you, Indians, have brought your own indigenous survival equipment,โ€ ventured their captain.

โ€œSir, I have brought an entire barrel cactus,โ€ said the Pima guy proudly. โ€œWhen I get too hot, I just cut off the top and take a drink.โ€

The captain looked impressed.

Not to be outdone, the Pueblo guy said, โ€œSir, I have brought the sacred corn pollen. When I get too hot, I pray with it, and then it rains.โ€

The captain looked even more impressed.

Not to be outdone, the Pawnee guy said, โ€œI brought a car door off a 1959 Chevy Impala.โ€

โ€œWhy would you do that?โ€ the captain asked.

โ€œWell,โ€ said the Pawnee guy, โ€œwhen I get too hot, I just roll down the window.โ€

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A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horseโ€™s trainer meets him before the race and says, โ€œAll you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, โ€œALLLLEEE OOOP!โ€ really loudly in the horseโ€™s ear. Providing you do that, youโ€™ll be fine.โ€

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.

The jockey ignores the trainerโ€™s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle.

The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers โ€œAleeee ooopโ€ in the horseโ€™s ear.

The same thing happens: the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, โ€œItโ€™s no good, Iโ€™ll have to do it.โ€ And yells, โ€œALLLEEE OOOP!โ€ really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.

This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, โ€œNothing is wrong with me. Itโ€™s this bloody horse. What is heโ€”deaf or something?โ€

The trainer replies, โ€œDeaf?? DEAF?? Heโ€™s not deafโ€”heโ€™s blind!!!โ€

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The moon is so cheeky, itโ€™s always playing lunar-tricks.

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Did you know that porcupines are one of the smartest animals on Earth?

Yeah, thatโ€™s right, science has proven them to be pretty sharp.

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What do a man whoโ€™s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

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What do you call a person who is really fast at altering clothes?

Tailor Swift.

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