Bride, please put your left hand flat on the table.
Groom, please place your hand on top of hers.
Enjoy this moment, groom, because itโs the first and last time in your marriage that youโll have the upper hand.
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A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
They celebrate it in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.
The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, โIsnโt it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?โ
The wife replies saying, โYes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here without clothes,โ with a naughty voice.
Both donโt doubt for a moment and they take off their clothes. They sit back down at the table giggling.
The wife says, โYou know honey, even my mamillae are just as hot as 50 years ago.โ
โNo wonder,โ the man replies, โone of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!โ
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What do aliens call an American who couldnโt cross the road?
A flat earther.
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Why canโt tomatoes win races against lettuce?
Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.
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Why did the astronaut break up with her boyfriend?
Because she needed some space.
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Yo mamaโs so fat and full of bush, the Wookiees named their planet after her!
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I wasnโt staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.
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Math teacher: โJames, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?โ
James: โA Headache maโam.โ
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Guess what? I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent.
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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What room can no one enter?
A Mushroom.
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Your mama so stupid, she cut holes in her umbrella to see if it was raining.
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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, โItโs the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.โ
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, โNow, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that Iโd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.โ
โThen, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.โ
โWhen I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.โ
He continued, โThen I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
โWhen I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.โ
โMeanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.โ
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One Sunny afternoon, two blondes walk down the street.
One of them suddenly points at the sun and says: โLook! Thatโs the moon over there!โ
The other one says: โNo, thatโs the sun!โ
The first one: โNo, itโs the moon!โ
The other one, again: โNo, itโs the sun!โ
After arguing for a while, the โsmartโ one says: โLetโs go to that house over there and ask, whatโs right!โ
They go to the house and ring the doorbell. Another blonde opens the door.
The โsmartโ one asks: โExcuse us, can you tell us, whether itโs the sun or the moon in the sky?โ
The blonde looks and says: โI wouldnโt know! Iโve only been living here for two weeks!โ
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Apparently, itโs good to talk to your sunflowers.
I tried to teach my sunflowers mathematics, but they ended up with square roots.
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A small boy tells his mum that his dadโs taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesnโt believe him.
โYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,โ she says.
โWell he did,โ the boy replies, โand one of the animals paid us ยฃ50.โ
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The skeleton didnโt mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
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There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.
One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.
The colleague asked, โWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?โ
To which the statistics teacher responded, โWell, statistically speaking, youโre more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!โ
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Never insult a donut.
Some of them have fillings.
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Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She always ran away from the ball.
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