How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, “GIVE US YER LOOT”?
They were both blonds.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Jesus Christ, I’ve come here to save you.”
“Save me from what?”
“From whatever I’m gonna to do you if you don’t let me in.”
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You so dumb every time you do a fartlek, you say “excuse me”.
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Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?
It was an old family recipe.
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Why did the Roblox character get arrested?
He was caught brick-handed.
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I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
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Why was it difficult for planets to play golf?
They spotted many black holes.
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Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
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Why did the mushroom have to leave her home?
It was growing toxic by the day.
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Why do aliens not eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
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Why did the cool roofer stop hanging out with his friends?
He realized they were squares.
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What do you call a rapper wearing a wig?
2pée.
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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
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You are so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering.
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The peach couple is in love.
They seem to be born for peach other.
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Chuck Norris told his iPhone 2G it was a iPhone 4.
He can now multi task and use face time.
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An aircraft was traveling from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, “We have lost one engine, but don’t worry, there are still three left. However, we will need seven hours to get to New York instead of five.”
A little later, the pilot announced, “Another engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York.”
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, “A third engine was broken. Never fear because the plane’s still able to fly on one engine. However, it’ll take another 18 hours to get from here to New York.”
At this point, one passenger said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”
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Perfume is a very logical business.
It always makes scents.
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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driver—a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tie—poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, “Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, “Sure.”
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“Impressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, “You’re on.”
“You are an auditor,” said the shepherd without hesitation.
“That’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. “However did you guess?”
“It wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. “You show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!”
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