A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.
As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that!”
The engineer replied, “You wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”
So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, “Do you wanna see magic?”
The shop boy replied, “Yes!!!”
The engineer said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.
Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.
Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.
The shop boy asked, “But where’s the magic?”
The engineer replied, “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them!”
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Dating me is like dating your therapist who is also your mom and is also very disappointed in you.
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What do you get when you cross a blue jay with a parrot?
A bird with no identity.
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What is the opposite of mango?
Womanstay.
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Here in Portugal we call bad jokes ‘dry jokes’. Do you want to see an example?
The desert.
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What do you call someone who doesn’t believe it is June yet?
A May-sayer.
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What’s a planet’s favorite keyboard key?
The space bar!
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What did Jupiter say to Neptune?
“Hey! I can see Uranus from here!”
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Rise and shine!
Today is a great day to be amazing.
Or at least pretend to be until you’ve had your coffee.
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It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
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Why is Twisted Fate an illegal immigrant?
Because he doesn’t have a green card.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Aye Dunnup.”
“Aye Dunnup, who?”
“Eugh, you dunna poo!”
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got tired of the HOLE business.
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What do you call a parrot when he can’t fly?
A walkie talkie.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Warren.”
“Warren, who?”
“Warren anything green for St. Patrick’s Day?”
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What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water?
Dolphout.
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I might have gotten the flu in China.
Well, WHO cares?
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One Sunny afternoon, two blondes walk down the street.
One of them suddenly points at the sun and says: “Look! That’s the moon over there!”
The other one says: “No, that’s the sun!”
The first one: “No, it’s the moon!”
The other one, again: “No, it’s the sun!”
After arguing for a while, the “smart” one says: “Let’s go to that house over there and ask, what’s right!”
They go to the house and ring the doorbell. Another blonde opens the door.
The “smart” one asks: “Excuse us, can you tell us, whether it’s the sun or the moon in the sky?”
The blonde looks and says: “I wouldn’t know! I’ve only been living here for two weeks!”
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A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before leaving on vacation and requests a $5,000 loan.
“Okay, miss, is there anything you’d like to use as collateral?” the banker inquires.
The lady says, “Of course, yes. I’ll drive in my Rolls Royce.”
Stunned, the banker inquires, “A Rolls Royce for $250,000? Really?”
The woman is completely positive. As the bankers and loan officers laugh at her, she hands over the keys. They check her credentials to ensure she is the rightful owner of the title. Everything is in order. They keep it for two weeks in their underground garage.
When she returns, she repays the $5,000 loan plus the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we appreciate your business, but I have one question. We looked you up and discovered you are a multi-millionaire. What makes you think you need $5,000?”
“Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?” the woman responds.
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It’s so hot that my popcorn seeds start popping.
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