You are like dandruff because I just can not get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.
π π π
Why was the jack-oβ-lantern afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts.
π π π
A driver goes into a car accessories store.
βIβd like a satnav, please.β
βOK,β said the assistant, βwe have every model possible, European routes, world routes, UK routes.β
βIβll just take the UK one, please,β said the driver.
βAre you sure, sir, easy to get lost round Europe,β replied the assistant.
βNo, the UK is fine,β said the driver, βitβs for the Liverpool team bus next season.β
π π π
Why was Aunt May worried about Peter Parker?
He was spending too much time on the world wide web.
π π π
Why is the sun such an egomaniac?
He believes that everything revolves around him.
π π π
Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?
Because one more, and itβd be too farty.
π π π
Getting dress for work is so stressful. Should I put on yoga pants or sweatpants?
π π π
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. Youβre a bad person.
π π π
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
They couldnβt get the moose in the oven!
π π π
Why did the bearded man sue the barber who sneakily shaved off his beard?
He barber-ed a grudge against him.
π π π
How did the chocolate frog sneak into Hogwarts?
It used the invisibility croak.
π π π
An alcoholic is driving home from the bar at 3 am, totally annihilated.
Heβs swerving between lanes and gets spotted by a patrol officer, who then pulls him over.
The cop asks the inebriated man where heβs headed at such a late hour.
The drunk replies, βIβm just going to a lecture, officer.β
In disbelief, the officer asks, βWho would be giving a lecture this late?β
The alcoholic replies, βMy wife.β
π π π
Whatβs a sheepβs favorite holy text?
The Baa-ble.
π π π
Yo daddy so drunk his breath gave you liver failure.
π π π
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, βWhat happened to your ears?β
He says, βYesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.β
The boss says, βWell, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?β
He says, βWell, geez, I had to call the doctor.β
π π π
Yo mama so fat every time she turns around itβs her birthday.
π π π
What is the proper way to use a stress ball at work?
To throw it at the last person that upset you. Instant de-stress.
π π π
I tell you, my wife is a lousy cook.
After dinner, I donβt brush my teeth, I count them!
π π π
Who is the only Looney Tunes character with a doctorate?
Elmer PhD.
π π π
What do you call a possessed bird?
A polter-goose.
π π π