Youβre riding a horse full speed, thereβs a giraffe beside you, and youβre being chased by a lion. What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel!
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Yo mommaβs so hairy when she went to the movie theater to see Star Wars, everybody screamed and said βITβS CHEWBACCA!β.
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My wife and I share a sense of humor.
We have to because she doesnβt have one.
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Two menβone a brunette and the other a blondeβwere comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.
The brunette guy says, βWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.β
The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks β with no luck.
He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.
The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, βYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!β
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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
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A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, βWho is mightiest of all jungle animals?β
The trembling monkey says, βYou are, mighty lion!β
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, βWho is the mightiest of all jungle animals?β
The terrified ox stammers, βOh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!β
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, βWho is mightiest of all jungle animals?β
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like itβd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, βJust because you donβt know the answer, you donβt have to get so upset about it!β
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Your ears are so big your parents put you on the roof to see which way the wind is blowing.
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What do you say to a stressed snowman?
Chill out!
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My grandma is in her 90βs and she still doesnβt need glasses.
She just drinks straight out of the bottle.
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How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?
All of them, evidently.
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My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told them to pipe down.
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Why shouldnβt you iron a 4 leaf clover?
You donβt want to press your luck!
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What is the 7th pin in bowling called?
Mother-In-Law!
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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
Iβm feeling canneloni right now.
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My commute to work today was just awful!
Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.
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Itβs so hot that you can tell who has plastic surgery.
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Working from home is making me go to the kitchen more often than usual.
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Why was the jack-oβ-lantern afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts.
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My crush told me, βCome over, no ones home.β
I went over... no one was home.
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I got the book βInternet Forums for Dummiesβ from a friend.
But I need to take it back, because I already Reddit.
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