What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?
A big mac.
😄 😄 😄
The judge rose from the bench and said, “Madam, I’ve waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”
Then he smiled as he said, “Now, sit down at that table and write 500 times ‘I will not pass through a red light.’”
😄 😄 😄
My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in my backseat.
So I had to pop the trunk.
😄 😄 😄
“It’s your birthday? How old are you?” asks the man’s friend.
“I’m seven and one-seventh,” replies the man.
“How’s that, you look about 50 to me?” asks the friend.
“Every time I chat up a nice lady she calls me an old dog, so I figure I get to count age in dog years now!”
😄 😄 😄
A skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, “We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.”
“How do I know which to choose?” she asked.
“That’s easy,” said St. Peter. “You have to spend a day in each place before making a decision.”
With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell.
The elevator doors opened, and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her.
She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times.
That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant.
She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy.
Before she knew it, her day in hell was over, and she returned to heaven.
The day in heaven was OK. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp.
At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision.
“Well, heaven was great and all,” the nurse said, “but I had a better time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell.”
With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.
When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.
When the devil walked over, she said to him, “I don’t understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking.”
The devil smiled and said, “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.”
😄 😄 😄
If I remember correctly, the last time that I was someone’s type was when I was donating blood in the blood drive.
😄 😄 😄
I wonder what the moon’s favorite bagel is?
Probably cinna-moon raisin.
😄 😄 😄
Why are there gingerbread men but not gingerbread women?
It’s a pastryarchy.
😄 😄 😄
What is an astronaut’s favorite chocolate?
A Mars bar.
😄 😄 😄
How does Uranus like its coffee?
Black, with a little bit of gas.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue square say to the red triangle?
“Hi-angle!”
😄 😄 😄
Taylor Swift’s latest song sounds almost exactly like one of Madonna’s hits from the 80s.
It’s Borderline plagiarism.
😄 😄 😄
Now the UK is out of the EU we can ban pre-shredded cheese.
Make Britain grate again.
😄 😄 😄
Why do you think a donut would ever become a priest?
Because it is very hole-y.
😄 😄 😄
Your ears are so big you don’t need a parachute when you go base jumping.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve lost all my Pokémon cards in a house fire.
I’ve only got Ash now.
😄 😄 😄
Good morning!
Monday through Friday, nine to 5, I reach function along with someone who reaches the workplace, with determination, increasing the spirits of every one of his office mates... after that there’s you! You are additionally at the workplace!
😄 😄 😄
Average speed of a wife in a shopping mall.
$200 per hour.
😄 😄 😄
I wanted to try my hand at designing my own game on Roblox.
But it was just too blocky for me.
😄 😄 😄
Yesterday, I painted half of my face like a clown and went for a drive.
I don’t think anyone saw the funny side.
😄 😄 😄
