I heard an uber from your eyebrows to your hairline is like 40$.
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It’s time to wake up and get that brain of yours working again.
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What did the mermaid wear to her math class?
An algae bra.
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A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.
Then one day his father dies.
When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.
But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.
The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesn’t know any of the people’s traditional teachings.
So to be on the safe side, he says, “Yes. Better start gathering firewood.”
So they do.
Later that week, he decides to call up the National Weather Service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.
They say, “Apparently, it’s going to be pretty cold this year.”
So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.
The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.
They say “Yes! Apparently, it’s going to be even colder than we previously thought.”
So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.
He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him it’s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.
The chief asks how they know that.
And the man tells him, “I have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!”
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Two hunters were out hunting in the woods when one of them collapsed.
The other hunter whipped out his phone and dialed 911.
The hunter tells the operator that he thinks his friend is dead.
The operator calms down the hunter and tells him to make sure he’s dead.
There was a brief pause and all of a sudden a gunshot could be heard.
“Okay, he’s definitely dead. What next?” asks the hunter.
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You’re so fat you can’t even see your own feet.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I smell like.”
“I smell like, who?”
“No, you smell fine.”
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Why did the llama win the rap battle?
Because he was good at spitting.
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Where do Chicago worms play baseball?
Wiggly Field.
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Why was Portugal the best colonial power?
Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.
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Yo mama’s so dumb she thought that Jar Jar comes with pickles pickles.
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As an April Fools’ joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant.
Sadly, she didn’t fall for it.
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What is the difference between a piano, a tuna and a glue?
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
And you probably wondering what about the glue...
I knew you would get stuck on that.
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After a month of dieting, I lost 30 days.
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How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
An itsy bitsy book.
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What did one Egyptian say to the other when they farted at the same time?
Looks like we’ve got a Tutankhamen.
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A stormtrooper and a redshirt are in a room.
The stormtrooper shoots the redshirt, but misses every shot.
The redshirt dies anyway.
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My bed and I love each other but the alarm clock is not clear!
Good morning!
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I saw a butterfly with no wings today.
I poured some Red Bull on it and BAM... it drowned.
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What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?
Done!
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