In an interview, the Prime Minister is asked if he acknowledges Australia’s aboriginal past.
Squeezing his brain, he tries to remember what he learned at school. But there is only darkness prior to Cook.
“Yes,” he says finally, “I can confirm that Australia has a black history.”
😄 😄 😄
While I was drunk last night, I was apparently accused of witchcraft.
The next day, I was hung over.
😄 😄 😄
What did the serial killer give his lover for Valentine’s day?
His heart! (Well, not his.)
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How many Sith Lords does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they prefer it a little on the dark side.
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I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
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“Dee was asking after you the other day.”
“Who is Dee?”
“DEEZ NUTS!”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the designer fired from the ad agency?
Because they kept kerning away from their work.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris counted to infinity.
Twice.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Eat more chicken.”
“Eat more chicken, who?”
“YOU!”
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An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed in the opposite direction.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”
Likewise, the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”
The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.”
The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”
So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.
He says to the Marine, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”
The Marine replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap, and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, “Your turn!”
The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine, and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
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Next time someone complains about Millennials, remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hard-wood floors.
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What do you call a stick with autism?
Autistic.
😄 😄 😄
The blue cheese thought he was the king.
But he was just a cheesy guy.
😄 😄 😄
Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
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You are so short you fell from curb and nearly dies.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Anita.”
“Anita, who?”
“Anita piece of that birthday cake!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the definition of Specimen?
An Italian astronaut.
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Yo mama’s so fat that she looks like Jabba the Hut before picture.
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Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born.
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Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together:
Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on.
In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
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