What kinds of beer makes you urinate vowels?
IPAs.
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Why did the hip surgery patient bring a suit to the hospital?
Because he wanted to be hip and dapper during recovery.
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You’re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
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Yo mamma’s so fat she can’t go to a spaceport because x-wings keep trying to land on her back.
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Why did the chemistry teacher who specializes in organic chemistry lead a troublesome life?
Because he often finds himself in alkynes of trouble.
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What’s the most intelligent mountain?
The Cleverest.
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What car does a German vegetarian drive?
A Volks-vegan.
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What do you call a guy leaning against a wall?
Art.
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My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.
“Do it,” I said. “But it might hurt you.”
“I know,” she replied. “But it’s only a needle.”
“No,” I said. “I mean being single.”
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Shouldn’t you be minding your business and looking out for low flying objects?
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There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
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How many ChatGPTs does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it’s already bright enough.
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I heard an uber from your eyebrows to your hairline is like 40$.
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It’s time to wake up and get that brain of yours working again.
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What did the mermaid wear to her math class?
An algae bra.
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A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.
Then one day his father dies.
When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.
But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.
The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesn’t know any of the people’s traditional teachings.
So to be on the safe side, he says, “Yes. Better start gathering firewood.”
So they do.
Later that week, he decides to call up the National Weather Service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.
They say, “Apparently, it’s going to be pretty cold this year.”
So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.
The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.
They say “Yes! Apparently, it’s going to be even colder than we previously thought.”
So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.
He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him it’s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.
The chief asks how they know that.
And the man tells him, “I have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!”
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Two hunters were out hunting in the woods when one of them collapsed.
The other hunter whipped out his phone and dialed 911.
The hunter tells the operator that he thinks his friend is dead.
The operator calms down the hunter and tells him to make sure he’s dead.
There was a brief pause and all of a sudden a gunshot could be heard.
“Okay, he’s definitely dead. What next?” asks the hunter.
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You’re so fat you can’t even see your own feet.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I smell like.”
“I smell like, who?”
“No, you smell fine.”
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Why did the llama win the rap battle?
Because he was good at spitting.
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