A new study shows that dolphins are second in intelligence to man.
I guess that puts women in third.
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What was the mermaid doing at the bottom of the sea?
She dropped out of school.
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Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.
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Wife says to her husband: “Choose, either me or the soccer game!”
He responds: “Give me 90 minutes to think.”
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Your momma’s so short she can bungee-jump off a curb!
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Why did the red panda become an actor?
It had a panda-mic personality.
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A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”
The barman looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the brain.
“You’re already out of your head.”
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Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Tank.”
“Tank, who?”
“Tank you for inviting me to your birthday party!”
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I didn’t know that Covid-19 was a thing until I saw your eyebrows and your hairline social distancing.
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Boebert asked her coworker, “Do you have any kids?”
“Yes,” she replied, “I have one child that’s just under two.”
Then Boebert said, “I might be stupid, but I know how many one is.”
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How do you call a suicide bomber with Tourette’s?
A ticking time bomb.
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Did you know, you can make any dish an autumn dish by adding one simple step?
Try dropping it on the floor.
It really gives it that fall flavor.
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The hot dog asked his friend, “Have you been to the German nightclub yet?”
His friend hadn’t, it was too krauted.
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What has four legs but can’t walk?
Half an octopus.
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Employee: “Can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: “Certainly not.”
Employee: “Thank you so much! I knew you would be understanding.”
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A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.
Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.
He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.
As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, “Do you know, fancy that, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”
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A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
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The worst part about being a giraffe...
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
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How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama?
One Mississippi.
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