Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning.
Because I can’t get out of bed.
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My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
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The shady workers behind the Mexican restaurant...
That’s nacho business.
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How many nuns are there in a temple?
Nun.
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I hated my haircut at first...
But now it’s starting to grow on me.
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What if the Indians would have given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey?
We’d all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.
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Why did the apple stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.
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If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
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Hey, I know you’re in love, but it’s time to break up with your bed and get out of there.
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Your mama’s so short that when she sat on the curb her feet didn’t touch the ground.
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You got the whole world in your nose. How lucky are you.
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What’s an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.
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I got the book “Internet Forums for Dummies” from a friend.
But I need to take it back, because I already Reddit.
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Where do bowlers go when they need a new team shirt?
New Jersey.
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Yo daddy so hairy the Addams Family thought he was Cousin Itt.
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Do mummies enjoy being mummies?
Of corpse!
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What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
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A gun company has been criticised after bringing out a pistol covered in Lego.
The manufacturer says it’s perfectly safe, unless you step on it in bare feet.
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An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.
The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, “Where were you on the night of October to April?”
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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
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