How do you tell poisonous mushrooms apart from edible ones?
You give them to someone else to eat first.
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Have you heard about the new game getting released?
It’s AI is 20 years ahead of it’s time, the graphics are truly real life, it has an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible.
It’s called “Go outside and ride your bike!”.
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I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I don’t think she likes them.
She said that’s gross.
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Yo mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
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Did you hear about the influencer who became a suicide bomber?
At first he had barely any followers, but then he blew up.
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Chuck Norris once lent his silly string to a teenager.
We now know him as Spider-Man.
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My boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and can’t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting.
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What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
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What’s the lazy baker’s favorite recipe?
Loaf bread.
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An Indian walks into a café with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Me in training for upper management: come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.”
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At the IRS audit.
IRS: “According to your tax return, you claim got money for nothing and checks for free.”
Taxpayer: “Am I in trouble for that?”
IRS: “We’d say you’re in dire straits.”
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A preschool teacher asked her students in class, “Who can count from one to ten?”
Little 3-year-old Timmy swiftly raised his hand, “I can!” and started counting, “One, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!”
The teacher is impressed, “Well done Timmy! Who taught you that?”
“My uncle Bobby!” Timmy said.
“Can you count past ten?” The teacher asked Timmy.
“That’s easy!” Timmy continued, “Jack, Queen, King…”
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A Polish man calls 911.
Operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Pole: “Help! My wife is trying to kill me!”
Operator: “How do you know?”
Pole: “I checked her medicine cabinet and found ‘Polish Remover’!”
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When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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What are Schrodinger’s cat’s pronouns?
Is/isn’t.
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Guess what coffee and motivational coaches have in common?
They encourage people to espresso themselves!
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My addiction to helium is out of control, but...
No one is taking my cries for help seriously.
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Thanks to the coronavirus, we can now explain calling Gen Z “Zoomers”.
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What happens if you combine a vampire and a snowman?
You get frostbite.
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What do you call a bug that hesitates before biting something?
A nervous tick.
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