Why did the toilet paper trip on the door mat?
It ran out.
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Yo mama so fat Cupid’s arrows couldn’t pierce her.
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How many Twitter users does it take to change a lightbulb?
30. One to change the bulb, and 29 to cancel it for being brighter than they are.
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What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
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I’ve been programming too much.
I can barely cout of my eyes.
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite brand of rice?
Uncle Ben’s.
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Yo sister so fat she’s the reason London Bridge is falling down.
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It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
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A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.
His wife said, “Well what about your friend Clyde?”
The man replied, “Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren’t looking?”
“No, I guess not,” replied his wife.
The man said, “Neither would Clyde.”
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I put all my Harry Styles CDs in chronological order.
I’ve got a one-track mind.
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Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.
Then he’d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.
He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.
“Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.
We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”
His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.
This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.
Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.
Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.
“It’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”
“Oh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”
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Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a 31-day march.
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It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
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A farmer goes to the bank for a loan. He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully, he can get a good crop.
The banker apologizes and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the bank is simply unwilling to loan to anyone planning to plant peanuts. However, the banker says, the bank is willing to loan on other crops. The banker recommends sunflowers.
The farmer is devastated, but eventually agrees to give sunflowers a try. Anything to get the loan and get some seed in the ground, he says.
At harvest time, another farmer asks how the sunflowers worked out.
The farmer admits that they’ve done very well—so well that he expects to be able to pay back the bank, put money away for the winter and even, possibly, have money left over for next year’s peanuts!
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How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
Don’t feed it.
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Yo daddy so wimpy he got a hangover from smelling Listerine.
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Have you tried the gluten-free Wookiee treats?
I heard they’re a little Chewy.
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What’s long and green and only shows up once a year?
The St. Patrick’s Day parade.
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Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?
He was caught taking asteroids.
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What is small, square and green?
A small green square.
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