Guess what horses, donkeys, cows, goats, and sheep all have in common?
They’re all very stable animals.
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Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table. One more asked to join.
One of them said, “Sorry there is not mush-room.”
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What did the planets drink when they wanted to bulk up?
Milky Whey.
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What is a cactus’s favorite Minions movie?
Des-prick-able Me.
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You are so dumb you returned a puzzle because it was broken.
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What did the dad say to his son when he became afraid of the full moon?
“Don’t worry! It’s just a phase it’s going through!”
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Husband: “I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.”
Friend: “Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!”
Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”
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I was cycling to work when a snow plow suddenly overtook me at high speed, spreading salt which hit my face.
“BASTARD!” I shouted, through gritted teeth.
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What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. It’s good for business.
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Me: “Happy National Pi Day!”
Her: “Aren’t you a few days late lol?”
Me: “Sorry, I was being irrational.”
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Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There’s always yelling, crying, and plate-throwing.
Also, it’s hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.
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What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
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What do you call a red-haired baker?
The ginger bread man.
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A cookie a day keeps the sadness away.
An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
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My pet turtle died.
I’m not upset—just shell-shocked.
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Yo momma is so dumb she makes Gungans look smart.
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Is your dad an alien because you’re out of this world?
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I was just on a Zoom call that ended automatically after 40 minutes because the organizer was on a free tier.
This is the single greatest advance to meeting productivity that I’ve ever seen.
Would pay extra for this feature!
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You’re so scary that even your hairline ran a way.
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A Redskins fan, an Eagles fan, a Cowboys fan, and a Giants fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Redskins fan insists he is the most loyal.
“This is for the Redskins!” he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, “This is for the Eagles!” and throws himself off the mountain.
The Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team.
He yells, “This is for everyone!” and pushes the Cowboys fan off the mountain.
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