I’ve just bought a new pair of spider silk trousers.
They look great, but the flies keep getting stuck.
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What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. It’s good for business.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Oink oink.”
“Oink oink, who?”
“Make up your mind… Are you a pig or an owl?”
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Your mama so hot when Electra and Haspiel saw her, they burned to death.
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Pros of working from home:
· No pants
· Loud music.
Cons of working from home:
· You have to make your own coffee
· You talk to yourself too much.
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Good morning, workmate!
Being around you has inspired me... to quit as well as locate a new work!
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A man walks into a bar...
His alcoholism is destroying his family.
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What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean.
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What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star”.
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Why did the friend who shaved lie about his beard?
He’s a bald-faced liar.
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Chuck Norris told his iPhone 2G it was a iPhone 4.
He can now multi task and use face time.
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Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
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Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah, it blue up.
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Why did the electrician marry his colleague?
He couldn’t resistor.
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Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline.
If you’d like to lose a half pound right now, press “1” 18 000 times.
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My exercise routine includes running away from my problems, running late, and running my mouth non-stop.
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Men in black.
After years of serving MIB, agent K, 69, found himself too old to deal with an alien drug lord.
He decided to seek help from his younger self.
Why did he travel to sixty years ago?
K, 9.
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Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?
They fast during Ramadan.
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What does the Elf on the Shelf use to write with on the blackboard?
Chalk-olate.
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What is a beaver’s favorite rap artist?
Timber-land.
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