Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest character of all time.
No one could hold a candle to him.
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I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great-uncle fought for the west!
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Apparently, it’s good to talk to your sunflowers.
I tried to teach my sunflowers mathematics, but they ended up with square roots.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Europe.”
“Europe, who?”
“No, YOU’RE a poo!”
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I’m going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour.
It will be called, Tailor Swift.
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Can I guess what your name is?
If I guess wrong can I just call you mine?
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Have you ever tried to buy tickets to the Taylor concert?
It isn’t so Swift.
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The sun and moon walked into a coffee shop.
Sun: “Oh man, I forgot my wallet!”
Moon: “Don’t worry, I’ll cover you.”
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My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.”
Me: “Hey babe, what do you wanna eat?”
Her: “Nothing.”
Me: Flies to Africa.
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Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends’ food looked like.
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Three gulag inmates are telling each other what they’re in for.
The first one says, “I was five minutes late for work, and they charged me with sabotage.”
The second says, “For me, it was just the opposite: I was five minutes early for work, and they charged me with espionage.”
The third one says, “I got to work right on time, and they charged me with harming the Soviet economy by acquiring a watch in a capitalist country.”
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I found a pebble that looked like a guitar pick.
Must be for rock music.
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I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.
I just really feel the words a lot more.
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Why should you always knock on the fridge door before opening it?
In case there’s a salad dressing.
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What similarities do air conditioners have with humans?
Just one, both get turned on when it’s hot.
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It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed.
She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.
“What’s the matter, honey?” she asks. “Why the heck are you down here at this hour?”
Her husband looks up at her, “Do you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?”
“Sure,” she answers, puzzled.
Her husband groaned in sadness, “And do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?”
Wife: “Yes, of course.”
“And do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said ‘You either marry her or I’ll put you in jail for 20 years!’?”
“Yea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!” she demanded to know.
The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said,“It’s just... I would have been out today.”
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I recently went to a restaurant, they poisoned my tiramisu. Guess what?
I tiramisued them.
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I’m changing my name to Benefits on Facebook.
Next time someone adds me, It will say “You are now friends with Benefits”.
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Which element is treated as the god element in organic chemistry?
Carbon. It is omnipresent in all organic compounds.
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How did the Catholic priest finish the marathon?
He was second to nun.
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