Best Jokes (4)



An orchestra conductor calls 911, β€œHelp! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”

The 911 operator says, β€œSimple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”

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I saw a lady in tears at the store.

She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.

I gave her 100$ because I felt sorry for her.

Plus I had just found about $1,600 in the parking lot.

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The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads β€œPlease use toilet brush after using the toilet”.

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

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What do you call a red panda dentist?

A molar bear.

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Roses are red, violets are blue.

Your face is going to meet my shoe.

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I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.

1. My credit card number.

2. My social security number.

3. Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate.

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, β€œAnd what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, β€œIn the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, β€œWell, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, β€œWow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replies, β€œYeah, but you started it.”

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Wanted to give being a comedian a try, but I fell and couldn’t stand up...

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Guess what you call someone who never falls down the stairs?

A stair-voyant.

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During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He’s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

– Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.

– Doesn’t need heating.

But he still needs one more.

And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

– Has great packaging.

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An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge.

He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot, β€œHa! Anything you can do, I can do better!”

The bomber pilot replies, β€œOh, yeah? Let’s see you do this!” and keeps flying straight and level.

The fighter jock asks, β€œUm... What did you do?”

The B-52 pilot says, β€œI just shut down two engines.”

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Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?

It became a fright train.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œUranus.”

β€œUranus, who?”

β€œUranus is a gas giant.”

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So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him, β€œWhat do you want your last meal to be?”

β€œStrawberries,” he responds.

β€œBut it’s winter. We can’t get strawberries until spring.”

β€œEh... I’ll wait.”

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Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.

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Daisy: β€œWhy do you have two different colored socks on? One’s blue, but the other is green.”

Little Johnny: β€œI’m not sure. It’s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œCaterpillar.”

β€œCaterpillar, who?”

β€œCaterpillar a few mice for you!”

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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

β€œDo you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, β€œNo health insurance.”

The nun asked, β€œDo you have money in the bank?”

He replied, β€œNo money in the bank.”

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.

He said, β€œI only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, β€œNuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, β€œPerfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

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After hours of waiting for the bowling alley to open...

We finally got the ball rolling.

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What is an alpaca that is mixed with a dog called?

A Wool-f.

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