I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
😄 😄 😄
Friend 1: “You’re working from home because of the coronavirus?”
Friend 2: “I’m working from home because I don’t have a real job. We are not the same.”
😄 😄 😄
Some cyclists are like clowns:
They dress funny.
They don’t follow any rules.
If anything bad happens to them, everyone laughs at them.
😄 😄 😄
First Pole: “Knock-Knock!”
Second Pole: “Come in!”
😄 😄 😄
You must love staying outdoors.
I hear plants make oxygen just for you.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t you trust acupuncture specialists?
They’ll always stab you in the back.
😄 😄 😄
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet but then my browser froze.
😄 😄 😄
Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”
Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!
😄 😄 😄
I got a PhD in rap and washing clothes.
They call me Dr. LaunDré.
😄 😄 😄
Math, the only world where you can buy 140 watermelons without your motives being questioned.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the moon finish its dinner?
It was a full moon!
😄 😄 😄
An ant approaches an elephant and asks, “Would you like to play?”
“Sure,” replies the elephant.
“So, what’s your favorite game?” the ant inquires.
“Squash,” says the elephant.
😄 😄 😄
I got a call from NASA. They’ve reached your hairline.
😄 😄 😄
Santa had a leakage in the roof over his dining room.
Plumber asked: “Sir, when did u notice it ?”
Santa: “Last night when it took me 3 hours to finish my soup.”
😄 😄 😄
What was the full name of Eddie Murphy’s character in Shrek?
Donkey Ho-tay!
😄 😄 😄
Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.
He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
The Reverend Morgan then sat down.
Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.”
😄 😄 😄
I am sweating like a dog at a Chinese restaurant.
😄 😄 😄
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the glasses so expensive?
Because they were designer spectacles.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?
Hamsterdam.
😄 😄 😄
