Why did the dyslexic couple learn karate?
They tried to get some marital counselling but ended up with martial training.
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What do you call a retired old cowboy?
De-ranged.
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I just signed up for the new college course about the effects of drinking soda on the body.
Anatomy and Fizzyology.
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Yo mama so fat she uses the highway as a slip and slide.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting Santa.”
“Inter...”
“Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!”
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Chuck Norris can clap with one hand!
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A farm boy accidentally overturned his tractor one day.
The farmer, who lived on the next farm, heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Joe, don’t worry about it. Come in and have something to eat with us. I’ll help you get the tractor up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Joe replied, “But I don’t think Pa would like me to.”
“Aw, come on, boy,” the farmer insisted.
“Well, okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Joe thanked the neighbor for his hospitality and said, “I feel much better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be silly!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”
Joe said, “Under the tractor.”
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This bloke just came in my workplace shouting, “Vodka, tequila, sambuca!”
I said, “Oi! I call the shots round here!”
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What is in 2020s calendar?
January, February, Lockdown, December.
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite brand of rice?
Uncle Ben’s.
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Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
Because he was out-standing in his field.
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What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
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Yo momma is so smelly even Banthas want to run away from her as fast as possible.
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I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did!
Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.
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What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem?
“Let’s try a different angle.”
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How can you tell a police horse from a normal horse?
The police horse goes “Neigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-naw”.
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How did the strawberry donut feel after dinner?
Jam-packed!
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I’m a paranoid narcissist.
I’m afraid no one’s out to get me!
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A man walks into a bar...
His alcoholism is destroying his family.
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Santa saw your Facebook pictures...
You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
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