You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
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Why did the Roblox character become a musician?
Because they wanted to compose block-sonatas.
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Why do so many people like to do word puzzles in the bathroom?
Because it’s the best place for a vowel movement.
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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “He eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The monkey found a cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”
“No, what?” asked the man.
“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
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Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend’s glass.
Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.
“Only one calorie per can,” she read aloud.
“Hmm,” murmured the other blonde. “I wonder which glass has the calorie?”
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The crusty navy chief noticed a new face and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”
“John,” the new seaman replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of foolishness they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name!” the chief scowled.
“It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever.
And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?!”
“Aye, Aye, Chief!”
“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The seaman sighed, “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”
“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …”
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You should know that no one understood it was an April Fools’ joke.
No one expected you to have a sense of humor.
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So hot dog, we meat again.
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Chuck Norris can win a football game by spiking a tennis ball over a volleyball net.
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What search engine does Super Mario use?
Yahoo!
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What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
Your face is going to meet my shoe.
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Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
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My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side.
One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together, she asked me if she should change anything in her life.
I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better.
At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.
After the first day, I didn’t see anything. To be expected, of course, these things take time.
Three days later, nothing.
A week later, nothing.
Two weeks later, and I finally started to see something.
Thank god for that, I thought she knocked the light out of my eyes for good.
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What did the dragon say to the bad employee?
You’re fired.
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What do you get if you take off the red dot on the Japanese flag?
The French flag!
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So, what’s the speed of dark?
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Good morning!
Coffee is my morning superhero.
It doesn’t wear a cape, but it sure knows how to rescue me from the grumpiness monster every day.
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What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claus-trophobia!
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How many koalas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Technically just one, as long as he’s koalafied.
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