Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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People have become very naughty on WhatsApp.
Even married women have put their status as AVAILABLE.
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What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day?
Lazy bones.
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Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
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Guess what monkeys eat in space?
Space bananas!
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What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
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A man went to the pet shop to buy a budgie.
“I would like a blue budgie please” he said to the assistant.
“I haven’t got a blue one,” the assistant replied. “I’ll sell you a green one and a tin of paint. You can paint it yourself.”
“OK,” said the man, “that’ll do.”
The next day, the man comes back. The budgie is dead.
“Look at this,” said the man. “It died while I was painting it.”
“That’s odd,” said the assistant, “I’m sure that paint was safe.”
The man replies, “I never got round to painting it. It died when I was burning the old paint off…”
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The reason the girl hated mushrooms is because they were too mushy.
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Where do you keep your badge at a Star Trek convention?
On a Lanyard Nimoy.
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What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
“Dear me, it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantity to impair my speech.”
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I love all these new Forsaken quests.
They’re really jaw-dropping.
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I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
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A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.
It’s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.
He hears a soft voice: “Nice tie.”
He looks around, but he doesn’t see anyone.
The voice speaks again: “Great haircut.” A few moments later: “Congratulations on your promotion.”
He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.
The bartender says, “That’s the pretzels, they’re complimentary.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Donut.”
“Donut, who?”
“Donut ask, it’s a secret!”
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What do you call it when you can’t stop looking at Pinterest on your phone?
Pin-diction.
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Did you hear that Spider-Man is in trouble with the law?
They caught him on the web looking for Mary-Jane.
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Me: “I have a Zoom meeting later.”
My cat: “Oh, me too.”
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him, “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees, “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.
The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says, “Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”
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iPhone users, don’t bother sending the Meteor emoji to your Android friends.
It won’t have the same impact.
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Yo mama so tall she uses the Empire State Building as a toothpick.
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