Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn’y ache.
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What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?
A Tinder surprise.
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A bard walks up to a bored leprechaun. How many tunes should the bard play?
Fortunes.
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So a housewife is preparing Thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, “Are you hungry, dear?”
And the turkey answers, “No, I’m stuffed.”
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Yeah, and what’s the weather like up there?
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I did up.”
“I did up, who?”
“Eww, you did a poo?”
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You’re so short that Michelangelo could make a life-size sculpture of you with 1 can of Play-Doh.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of weather?
Gas-tly winds.
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A North Korean soldier runs across the DMZ and yells to the US Army, “Kim Jong Un is an idiot!”
And gets thrown in a labor camp for 16 years by the government.
1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and the other 15 for revealing a state secret.
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I am sweating like a chocolate bar in a pocket on a summer day.
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I think my anime jigsaw puzzle was too simple. It was...
One Piece.
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Old electricians never die, they just get discharged.
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Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
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How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
Don’t feed it.
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What’s the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
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I took a roofing class in college.
But all the content went right over my head.
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Is your dad an alien because you’re out of this world?
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When the blueberry made a mistake, it had to blue-pologize.
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You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
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Can you guess what the calendar worker got fired for?
He took a day off without telling anyone!
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