My life is like an overproduced comic book series.
It’s just one issue after another, and the plot doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
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What’s the nickname for someone who put their right hand in the mouth of a T-Rex?
Lefty.
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I put all my Harry Styles CDs in chronological order.
I’ve got a one-track mind.
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, “Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?”
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
“No,” says the man, “I wanted a normal KitKat, fatty.”
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I didn’t get accepted to Oxford.
I got all of my commas from the University of Phoenix.
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What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews.
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I threw away my can opener.
It was more of a can’t opener.
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How does Tom Brady have a bad haircut before every game?
He always asks for the Super “Bowl Cut”.
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You’re so observant, would you like me to pat you on your back?
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Which city in Ohio has the best bakery?
Toledough.
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Our cardboard spaceship will be great! Just use your i-moon-gination!
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Yo mama’s so fat that even the Death Star couldn’t blow her up!
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A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
“What are you?” asks the cat.
“I’m a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature are you?”
The cat thinks for a moment and says, “I guess I’m a gnome.”
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My calculator stopped working mid-way through my exam.
I can’t count on it anymore.
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I didn’t wear my glasses to the party because I wanted to make a spectacle of myself.
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What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?
A pumpkin patch.
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What car does a German vegetarian drive?
A Volks-vegan.
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A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.
The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.
When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing “Happy birthday!”.
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Who is the only Looney Tunes character with a doctorate?
Elmer PhD.
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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
I’m feeling canneloni right now.
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