What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?
I come in pieces.
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The teacher asks her students, “What is the closest planet to Earth?”
The class all respond by yelling out, “The sun!”
Little Johnny then puts his hand up as says, “Uranus.”
The teacher looks confused and asks, “Why do you think that, Johnny?”
Little Johnny replies to her, “Because it is right behind you, Miss.”
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What kind of flu do Chinese people have?
Kung flu.
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I hosted an amazing party. We had tons of cheese, but ran out of crackers.
It was cracka-lackin
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Have you heard of the band 999 Megabytes?
They’ve never had any gigs.
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Picked up a set of 20 Disney shorts on vinyl for only $30.
To be honest, though, I think they’d chafe less in cotton.
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It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
Stock boy: “No, ma’am. They’re dead.”
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Where does a person with a beard put their beard clippings?
Their shavings account.
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I used to own a raven. It could speak English.
But the only word it could speak was “car”.
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Chuck Norris is the only one that can turn lemonade into lemons.
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Why do wolves howl at the moon?
Cause they don’t know how to use cell phones.
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Yo mamma’s so ugly they cut her Cantina scenes in Star Wars.
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I once accidentally poured glue in my son’s corn flakes.
He’s never talked to me again.
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TIL that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden.
Who the hell is going to let me know when it’s raining in Sweden?!
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the corn flakes back in the box.’
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The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
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Love is a lot like peeing your pants.
Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.
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It’s so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
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What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
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