What do aliens like to read?
Comet books!
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Broccoli: “Hey, I look like a tree.”
Mushroom: “Wow, I look just like an umbrella.”
Walnut: “I look exactly like a brain.”
Banana: “Man, can we change the topic please?”
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If a Bengal tiger is attacking your mother-in-law and spouse, who will you save?
The Bengal tiger of course! They’re getting extinct in the world.
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What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
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What do you call the child of a civil engineer?
A truss fund baby.
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What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lilly.
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I got fired from the bomb squad today.
It’s too bad really…
I had a blast working there.
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The deeper the pit you’re falling into...
The more chance you have to learn how to fly.
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Yo momma’s so ugly they push her face in the dough to make Ugnaught cookies.
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I’m very familiar with paranormal activity.
I keep getting ghosted.
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It was hot today and when I went outside I saw a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers.
I thought to myself, “Such a lovely day to have a barber queue.”
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A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said, “Why, my son, it is a “chechia”. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father, “It is very simple. This is a “djbellah”. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My “djbellah” protects the entire body.”
The son then asked, “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
“These are “babouches” my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These “babouches” keep us from burning our feet.”
“So tell me then,” added the boy.
“Yes, my son...”
“Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?
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What did the dragon say to the bad employee?
You’re fired.
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Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of it’s bark.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lettuce.”
“Lettuce, who?”
“Lettuce eat cake, it’s your birthday!”
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I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today.
The box said “WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken”.
I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box...
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Yo mama so fat NASA thought she was a planet.
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What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere!
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