When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.
Well, I got a job doing stand-up in a comedy club and no one’s laughing now.
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What is the most common illness in China?
Kung Flu.
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A famous Australian fashion designer created a special collection of denim trousers for the indigenous population.
He calls them “aborijeans”.
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Coronavirus is all Gen Z’s fault.
They wanted everything to go viral, now look what’s happened.
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”
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The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.
He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
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Which ankle did Spider-Man twist after tripping on the curb?
Ankle Ben.
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Covid-19 is just like the flu, don’t believe in all social media that are fearmongering.
Spread the word and be positive.
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Why did the donut go to the dentist?
To get a filling.
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You so dumb you once tried to exchange a bib number because you thought the whole thing was printed upside down.
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Yo mama so fat she wears two watches, one for each time zone she’s in.
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Working from home becomes more difficult when your bed and YouTube constantly beg for your attention.
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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, “The curlers are on me.”
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A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port in France and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places.
“Oui, monsieur. What is the destination port for this load?”
“I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil.”
“Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal?”
“Why is that, sir?”
“If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese, of course!”
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What to give a man who’s got everything?
A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.
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Why did the Roblox player go to the gym?
To work on their block-abs.
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I’ve invented a solar-powered still!
It turns sunshine into moonshine.
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What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
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Some local engineers took a train for a service.
But the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
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What do you call a streetcar that plays pranks on people?
A troll-ey.
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