Best Jokes (4)



What’s the one thing in this human life that you can count on?

A calculator.

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Why is Twisted Fate an illegal immigrant?

Because he doesn’t have a green card.

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What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds.

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Why did Spider-Man flush the toilet?

Because it was his duty!

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You are so short that you can do push-ups underneath a closed door.

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Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?

They make it their business to create a lot of issues.

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What did the snowman say to the birthday girl?

Have an ice day!

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Why do brides cry at the wedding?

Because they never marry the best man.

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One day an Irishman called Seamus went into a pharmacy in Clonmel. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle of Irish whiskey and a teaspoon.

Seamus proceeded to pour some of the amber liquid into the teaspoon and offered it to the chemist.

β€œCould you taste this for me, please?” asked Seamus.

The chemist took the teaspoon, put it into his mouth, swilled the liquid around, and swallowed it.

β€œDoes that taste sweet to you?” says Seamus.

β€œNo, not at all,” says the pharmacist.

β€œOh that’s a relief,” says Seamus. β€œDoctor Flannigan told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”

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John thought he could never catch an illness.

When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say β€œThe day I become ill will be the day pigs fly”.

A few months later, it finally happened.

The swine flu.

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After the 4th of July fireworks caused finger injuries, what did the friends say?

Nothing, they couldn’t count on me.

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You are so dumb you returned a puzzle because it was broken.

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I’m proud to announce that our slaves are finally free.

And that’s a great price!

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What’s the definition of a surprise?

A fart with a lump in it.

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What holds the moon up?

Moon beams!

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Why did the bearded thief shave before robbing a bank?

They wanted to be a smooth criminal.

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How many autistic people does it take to change a lightbulb?

β€œOne, but what do you want me to change it into?”

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Who was the fastest runner in the race?

Adam, because he was first in the human race.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œNicholas.”

β€œNicholas, who?”

β€œNicholas half as much as a dime.”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œPat.”

β€œPat, who?”

β€œPat on your coatβ€”we’re going to the St. Patty’s Day parade.”

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