Yo mama so fat Rick and Morty thought her belly button was a portal to another dimension.
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My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldn’t fix.
I suggested, “Break its legs.”
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Once a boy was killing mosquitoes.
The girl asked him, “How many mosquitoes have you killed?”
He replied, “3 female and 2 male.”
She asked, “How did you know that they were male or female?”
He replied, “3 were sitting in front of the mirror and the 2 were sitting on the treadmill.”
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Why are the most attractive males in the anthill also very learned?
Because they’re stud-ants.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t buy life insurance, life buys Chuck insurance.
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Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”
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Yo mama so fat the horse on her polo shirt is real.
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As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.
But let me give it a shot.
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Did you hear that a man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him?
The official cause of death was “Exposure to the elements”.
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Did you hear about the sky that fell?
It turned the whole world blue.
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What anime do you get when you mix a melon and a collie?
The Melon-collie of Haruhi Suzumiya.
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Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
“Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan.”
So, one of them asked the other: “When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?”
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Don’t fight with me over chocolate because I am not someone to be truffled with!
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An Australian guy was playing Mama Mia on his didgeridoo.
I thought, that’s aboriginal.
😄 😄 😄
How did the hip bone feel after surgery?
Absolutely joint-ful!
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What do you call people with big ears?
Nothing, they might hear you.
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The real estate agent led me through the impressive property.
“Do you think I could convert this bedroom into a second bathroom?” I asked.
“Of course!” he grinned. “I don’t see why not.”
“Excellent,” I replied, pulling down my trousers, “You might want to look the other way.”
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What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water?
Dolphout.
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Chuck Norris invented the Giraffe when he roundhouse kicked a spotted Horse in the chin.
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I’ve been listening to Harry Styles’ new music recently and I must say...
He has gotten a lot better ever since he went in the other direction.
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