Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a Nest-cafe.
😄 😄 😄
Some people say rolling dice for stats in D&D is old-fashioned and outdated.
But I think it builds character.
😄 😄 😄
Not sure if there’s been a break-in...
...or I just need to clean up.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the banana go to the hairdresser?
Because it had split ends.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says “to be continued”.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who is there?”
“Justin.”
“Justin, who?”
“Just in time to eat all the birthday donuts.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat she fed an entire zombie apocalypse.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the guy eat a poisonous mushroom?
He thought that any morel would do.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
The ambulance.
😄 😄 😄
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
😄 😄 😄
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?
Because if they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.
😄 😄 😄
What is the best way to sleep the night before an exam?
I sleep next to my notes, sincerely hoping they transfer into my brain by osmosis.
😄 😄 😄
Marriage is love.
Love is blind.
Marriage is an institution.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
😄 😄 😄
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don’t know, it’s never happened.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a millionaire?
A bunny with money.
😄 😄 😄
Shrek was furious when all the fairy tale creatures were forced onto his swamp.
It was Marsh Madness.
😄 😄 😄
After I spoke with the tax auditor, I slept like a baby.
I woke up every hour and cried.
😄 😄 😄
Six years ago, I DMed my facebook crush, telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times and blocked me.
😄 😄 😄
What are Michael Jackson’s pronouns?
He/Hee.
😄 😄 😄
I was stuck in traffic outside Washington, DC this morning. No one was moving at all.
Then this guy knocked on my window.
I rolled it down and said, “What’s happening?”
He said, “Terrorists have taken the entire US Congress hostage, and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if they’re not paid a 100 million dollar ransom. We’re going from car to car collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving?” I asked.
He said, “About a gallon.”
😄 😄 😄
