What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?
Spook-hetti!
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What is a cactus’s favorite Minions movie?
Des-prick-able Me.
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I don’t trust people who don’t like mushrooms.
Clearly, they are of low morel fiber.
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What’s the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?
One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“What do you mean if I can read this?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the dude.”
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Feeling blue? A blueberry muffin can be your rescue!
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It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.
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A man calls 911.
The operator says, “911 what’s your emergency?”
The man says, “My wife is going into labour and I don’t know what to do!”
The operator calmly replies, “Okay. Calm down. Is this her first child?”
The man answers, “No, this is her husband!”
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An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar and sit next to each other.
The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.
Before any punches could be thrown, the football player fell to the ground and called for medical help.
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A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.
The French exchange student raised his hand and said, “Excuse me, Madam, but I don’t know how to say fractions. How do you say those?”
“Easy,” said the teacher, “you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is two-thirds, 3/4 is three-fourths, and 2/5 is two-fifths.”
“Thanks, I understand,” said the exchange student.
“Good,” said the teacher, and then asked the French student, “so how do you say 4/8?”
“Should I reduce?” asked the boy.
“That would be best,” said the teacher.
“One-second,” said the boy.
“Take as long as you need,” said the teacher.
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What did the apple teacher say to her student?
“Help me orange the chairs please!”
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It’s hotter than six fat guys in a minivan with no air conditioning fighting over a fried bucket of chicken drumsticks.
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I think my grocery store is trying to turn me into a narcissist...
Every time I go there they make me check myself out.
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Why did the moon burp?
Because it was full!
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My grandpa told me, “You Millennials are too dependent on technology.”
So I plugged out his life support.
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A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
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Female monasteries are nun-profit.
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Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.
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What do you call a group of union workers on Labor Day?
A day of rest-olution.
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I don’t need a telescope to see Uranus.
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