What’s the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night?
Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
Horror night is...
When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.
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Where does a lizard go when it loses its tail?
A tailor.
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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
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I signed up for yoga, and our new instructor is awesome.
She really bends over backwards for us.
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My wife has a Zoom call for work, which means the dog and I have to stay in the bedroom since we don’t know how to behave on Zoom calls.
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My Mom said she’d been looking forward to Mother’s Day for ages.
I said, “Why? Your Mum’s dead.”
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Two elderly farmers were reminiscing about the good old days.
“When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day, and still be on my property,” says the Texas farmer.
The old farmer from Kentucky said, “Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... You should have got a Ford, hell. They’ll get ya all the way ta town and back!”
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It was so cold that the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
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Why are beards so polite?
Because they’re well-groomed.
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If your wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it’s a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
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I can row a boat.
Canoe?
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Last time I went fishing, I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don’t quite remember the rest of the day.
All I really know is that I pulled a mussel.
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What do you find out after reading a biography of Michael Jackson?
That he had a colored past.
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Went to a pancake restaurant, and asked if my dinner would be long.
The waiter replied, “No, sir, round.”
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Officer: “Do you know why I stopped you?”
Blonde: “Because I didn’t pull out of the donut shop too fast?”
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What do you call a dog in August?
A hot dog.
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Perfume is a very logical business.
It always makes scents.
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When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
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Why did the cool roofer stop hanging out with his friends?
He realized they were squares.
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