Your mama’s so short that she makes Gary Coleman look like Shaquille O’Neal.
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My friend told me that onions were the only things that could make him cry.
So I threw a bowling ball at him to prove him wrong.
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Son: “Dad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?”
Dad: “Because your mother loves Roses.”
Son: “Oh... OK. Thanks, Dad!”
Dad: “No problem, Costco Hot Dog.”
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What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?
A big mac.
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Yo mama so fat when she sat on a dollar bill she squeezed a booger out of George Washington’s nose.
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You are so dumb you thought a thesaurus was a kind of dinosaur.
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What do you call two guys from Mexico playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
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Two Roofers—Bob and Dan—were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.
Bob and Dan decided that, since it was early, they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.
It was nearing 5 PM, and they hadn’t seen hide nor hair of anyone.
So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.
Bob says, “It’s the only way down. I will go first.”
Bob jumped.
Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, “Hey Bob! How deep did you go?”
Bob yells back, “I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!”
Dan jumps... and sinks clear up to his neck in manure!
“I thought when you jumped, you went up to your ankles?” he shouts at his friend.
“I did...” explained Bob, “but I landed head first!”
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With great power comes a great electricity bill.
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I bought some blue shoes to wear to the office.
But they made me feel downright feet-talistic.
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What’s a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
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How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
😄 😄 😄
I’m going to get married on February 29th.
So I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.
😄 😄 😄
Earth is the third planet from the sun.
By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.
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Everyone always says that hot dogs suck.
I think German sausages are the wurst!
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A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.
“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”
“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.
“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”
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What do you call a lazy man in space?
A procrastronaut.
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What would you call a small scoop of ice cream?
A uni-cone.
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It’s so hot out that I baked lasagna in my mailbox.
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The reason that no one has returned to the moon for so long is that every time someone tries to book a hotel there, it’s full...
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