What’s the one thing in this human life that you can count on?
A calculator.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Twisted Fate an illegal immigrant?
Because he doesn’t have a green card.
😄 😄 😄
What is great in the US but awful in the UK?
Losing pounds.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Spider-Man flush the toilet?
Because it was his duty!
😄 😄 😄
You are so short that you can do push-ups underneath a closed door.
😄 😄 😄
Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?
They make it their business to create a lot of issues.
😄 😄 😄
What did the snowman say to the birthday girl?
Have an ice day!
😄 😄 😄
Why do brides cry at the wedding?
Because they never marry the best man.
😄 😄 😄
One day an Irishman called Seamus went into a pharmacy in Clonmel. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle of Irish whiskey and a teaspoon.
Seamus proceeded to pour some of the amber liquid into the teaspoon and offered it to the chemist.
“Could you taste this for me, please?” asked Seamus.
The chemist took the teaspoon, put it into his mouth, swilled the liquid around, and swallowed it.
“Does that taste sweet to you?” says Seamus.
“No, not at all,” says the pharmacist.
“Oh that’s a relief,” says Seamus. “Doctor Flannigan told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”
😄 😄 😄
John thought he could never catch an illness.
When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly”.
A few months later, it finally happened.
The swine flu.
😄 😄 😄
After the 4th of July fireworks caused finger injuries, what did the friends say?
Nothing, they couldn’t count on me.
😄 😄 😄
You are so dumb you returned a puzzle because it was broken.
😄 😄 😄
I’m proud to announce that our slaves are finally free.
And that’s a great price!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
😄 😄 😄
What holds the moon up?
Moon beams!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bearded thief shave before robbing a bank?
They wanted to be a smooth criminal.
😄 😄 😄
How many autistic people does it take to change a lightbulb?
“One, but what do you want me to change it into?”
😄 😄 😄
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Nicholas.”
“Nicholas, who?”
“Nicholas half as much as a dime.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Pat.”
“Pat, who?”
“Pat on your coat—we’re going to the St. Patty’s Day parade.”
😄 😄 😄
