Why canβt Christmas trees knit?
Because they lose their needles.
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When my mother died, all my father said was βcough, fatigue,Β feverβ.
Heβs a man of flu words.
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What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?
An ambulance!
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
Your face is going to meet my shoe.
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How many autistics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. But it will take about two hours while they give you an excruciatingly detailed info dump about the history and technical details of various forms of electric lighting.
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Yo mom so stupid she starved an illithid.
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Why did the police officers arrest the blue crayon?
Because it was in the blue.
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Can February march?
No, but April may.
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Lava is the hipster of the geology community.
It knew how to rock before it was cool.
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Why canβt polar bears eat penguins?
They canβt get the wrappers off them.
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What does the light bulb say when itβs being unscrewed?
βIβm feeling delighted...β
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My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disneyβs Up for Halloween.
Iβll dress up as an old guy and sheβll dress up as a tombstone.
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Unpaid interns are like slaves.
No pay, they just get experience in the field.
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I hear that Uranus just floats around in space. Can you explain that?
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βAlcohol may intensify the effects of this medicationβ
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
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Sunday school teacher: βTell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?β
Johnny: βNo, maβam, I donβt have to. My momβs a good cook.β
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A man went to the doctor and said, βI think I am upside down.β
When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, βBecause my feet smell and my nose runs.β
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How do camels hide from predators?
Camel-flage.
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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
βThis is your doctor. Weβve had the results back from your tests, and weβve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!β
βOh my gosh!β cries the man. Heβs in a panic now. βWhat are you going to do, doctor?β
βWell, weβre going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.β
βWill that cure me?β asked the man, hopefully.
The doctor replied, βWell, no, but... itβs the only food we can get under the door.β
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What did a brick say to a wall?
βIβve got your back!β
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