Good morning to someone who starts each day by asking the important questions of life: Can I eat leftover pizza for breakfast?
Have a great day!
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A farmer named Rick had a car accident.
In court, the trucking companyโs lawyer was questioning Rick. โDidnโt you say, at the moment of the accident, โIโm fineโ,โ asked the lawyer?
Rick responded, โWell, Iโll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...โ
โI did not ask you for any details,โ the lawyer interrupted. โJust answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, โIโm fineโ?โ
Rick said, โWell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road.โ
The lawyer interrupted again and said, โJudge, Iโm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.โ
By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Rickโs answer and said to the lawyer, โIโd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.โ
Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. โWell, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didnโt want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said โhow are you feeling?โ. Now, what the heck would YOU say?โ
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What happens when developers ask a silly question?
They get a silly ANSI.
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Why did the hip bone go to theย coffeeย shop?
Because it needed a little perk-me-up after surgery.
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What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you donโt understand.
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A friend of mine accidentally deleted my game data and told me to calm down.
So, after a nice cup of tea, I hid his body.
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Did you know that according to 911 choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a โbear attackโ.
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Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St Johnโs Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.
He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, โIf I had all the beer in the world, Iโd take it and throw it into the river.โ ย
With even greater emphasis he added, โAnd if I had all the wine in the world, Iโd take it and throw it into the river.โ
Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, โAnd if I had all the whiskey in the world, Iโd take it and throw it into the river.โ
The Reverend Morgan then sat down.
Jerry, St Johnโs leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, โFor our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.โ
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What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?
Iceberg lettuce.
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Iโm going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water.
Itโs an untapped market.
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Why does Spider-Man get so frustrated with the World Wide Web?
Because Google thinks his name is Spiderman, not Spider-Man!
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What kind of books does the moon like to read?
Comet-books!
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What do you call a pencil with two erasers?
Pointless.
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I had to put my motorbike in the shop.
It needed a wheelignment.
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Success is like a fart.
It only bothers people when itโs not their own.
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Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โBeak.โ
โBeak, who?โ
โBeak careful that you donโt get pranked on April Foolsโ Day.โ
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Teacher: โClass, choose between money and brain.โ
Akpos: โIโd go for the money!โ
Teacher: โIโd go for brain!โ
Akpos: โWell, everybody goes for what he doesnโt have.โ
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Guess what happened to the man who was addicted to doing the โHokey Pokeyโ?
He turned himself around.
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Why do cats hate laptops?
They donโt have a mouse.
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Two drunk guys walk into a hotel.
Skippering one word after another, they finally manage to make themselves understood by the girl at the reception.
โSo you want the cheapest double room we have, right? The only free one is on the 100th floor, but the elevator is broken.โ
The two guys, in order not to spend the night sleeping on a bench, load their luggage and leave for the staircase.
Since one hundred floors, drunk and with heavy bags is a really tough challenge, they decide to tell a joke every five floors.
When they reach the fiftieth floor, one of them starts laughing.
โWhat happened? Have you remembered a very good joke?โ asks the first.
โThis joke is just so hilarious! Actually, itโs so good that Iโll save it for later!โ answers the second guy.
When they reach the 75th floor, the same guy bursts laughing even harder.
โAre you okay? Are you still thinking about that joke from earlier?โ asks worried the first.
โYeah, but this one is soooooo good, Iโll save it for when we finish,โ answers the other guy.
Finally, exhausted and tired, they reach the 100th floor.
Panting, the first boy asks, โSo, what is this joke that has tormented you so much?โ
Still breathless, the other replies, โHey, do you remember the girl who was at the reception? Here, we left before she gave us the keys.โ
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