I told my boss I was feeling blue, so he painted my office the color of the ocean. Now Iβm working in a sea of tranquility.
π π π
Guess what kind of hike I went on today?
I hiked my pants.
π π π
Whatβs the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Start off with a big fortune!
π π π
A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, βExcuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?β
The Harvard student replies, βAt Harvard, you donβt end a sentence with a preposition.β
The kid said, βSorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?β
π π π
What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?
Grave-y!
π π π
My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!
Itβs enough to make a mango crazy.
π π π
I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?
Ugly.
π π π
Son: βHey dad, can you guess what is worse than no moon?β
Dad: βNo sun?β
Son: βYou donβt even want to take a guess?β
Dad: βNo sun!β
Son: βYouβre so stubborn, the answer is no sun.β
π π π
A bard walks up to a bored leprechaun. How many tunes should the bard play?
Fortunes.
π π π
A marvelous morning to you, my friend.
You are someone who never quits, mainly because you never start.
π π π
There are two ways of waking up in the morning.
One is to say, βGood morning, God,β
And the other is to say, βGood God, morning!β
π π π
It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
π π π
Why should you always knock on the fridge door before opening it?
In case thereβs a salad dressing.
π π π
I told my wife I was going to do stand-up comedy.
She said, βYouβre joking.β
I said, βI told you I was good.β
π π π
Last year on Motherβs Day we had a big family get-together.
Afterwards my Mom starting getting ready to do the dishes.
Of course I couldnβt let her do that on her special day.
I said, βLeave the dishes, Mom. You can always do them tomorrow.β
π π π
Itβs hotter than a Jamaican monkeyβs butt.
π π π
Itβs game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.
He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.
He responds, βNo, the seatβs empty.β
The first man exclaims, βWhat?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?β
The neighbor responds, βWell the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we havenβt been together.β
The first man responds,β Iβm sorry to hear that. Wasnβt there anyone else, a friend or relative, that couldβve taken that seat?β
The neighbor responds, βNo, theyβre all at the funeral.β
π π π
Iβve decided that from January 1st, Iβm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
Itβs my New Yearβs resolution.
π π π
I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I donβt think she likes them.
She said thatβs gross.
π π π
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims, βI canβt believe itβs not Buddha!β
π π π