Good morning, sweetie!
When I get up, my initial idea is of just how you feel, after that, I obtain you a cup of coffee, placed it down, as well as back away, gradually...
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Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?
“Mensch on a bench”.
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Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
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They brought the hot dog in for questioning.
He gave the... wurst... answers.
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Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?
They always forget to take off the candles.
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Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for crying scenes.
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Why can’t people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?
They can’t handle stares.
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Why did the orthopedic surgeon bring a radio into surgery?
Because he wanted to tune into the hip-est station.
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Why did the pirate cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Don.”
“Don, who?”
“Don be putting down the Irish now!”
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Oh my gourd, it’s already fall.
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My friend that only dates Asian girls just started dating his ex-girlfriend again.
And I don’t know if I should tell him.
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How did the roofing company become so successful?
They nailed it.
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Me and my friend were riding on my motorcycle on a particularly windy day when we saw a cyclist in front of us, pedaling in the middle of the road, with a car honking furiously behind him.
So we drove over and asked the guy, “Why don’t you move to the side and let the car overtake you?”
The guy replied, “I am trying!”
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Yo mama so stupid she made an appointment with Dr Pepper.
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The first commandment was... when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
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What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?
Keep trying until you get a reaction.
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Why did the sun feel so dizzy?
Because he felt light-headed.
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What’s the farthest planet humans can see with their naked eye?
Uranus.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“CIA.”
“CIA, who?”
“CI ate your last doughnut!”
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