Yo mama’s so fat that Gardulla the Hutt had a boost in self-esteem after seeing her.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris was born, he spanked the doctor.
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What do you call a line of people gathered to roast Justin Bieber?
Bieberqueue.
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What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
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A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words, and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling”.
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
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I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it’s just not as big.
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Vegan: “People who sell meat are gross!”
Non-vegetarian: “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
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Me: “You know that foundation called ‘Autism Speaks’?”
My friend: “No, it screeches.”
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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
😄 😄 😄
A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.
After a while of, the doctor asks: “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an archeologist,” she answers.
The doctor responds: “Then I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”
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Your sister is so ugly when she goes to the bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.
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Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss… and it looked away.
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An American Indian meets a cowboy. Since neither of them knows each other’s language, they start a sign conversation.
Indian approaches first, pointing his finger to cowboy’s chest.
Cowboy responds with pointing his two fingers to Indian’s face.
Then Indian makes a rooftop gesture with his hands.
To which cowboy reacts with a waving motion of his right hand.
Cowboy returns home and tells his wife about what happened to him, “I met one crazy Indian in the desert. Right after seeing me, he told that he’s going to shoot me in the chest, and I responded that I’ll screw up his eyes before that. He then promised to bury me, and I told him that he’ll sleep with the fishes if he plans to harm me.”
Indian returns home and speaks to his wife, “I met one crazy cowboy in the desert. When I asked him who he was, he told me he’s a goat. I inquired “mountain goat?”, and he responded “no, waterfowl”.”
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Chuck Norris doesn’t wear shoes to protect his feet from the ground.
He wears them to protect the ground from his feet.
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An artist, a lawyer and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy.
The programmer says, “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Banana.”
“Banana, who?”
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Banana.”
“Banana, who?”
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Orange.”
“Orange, who?”
“Orange you glad I didn’t say banana!”
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Why do zombies speak Latin?
Because it’s a dead language.
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What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?
By the time she got home, it was toast!
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Your breath stinks!
Get up and brush your teeth!
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You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?
Diabetes.
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