The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
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What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-a.
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Why did Dracula become a vegetarian?
Because his doctor said steaks were bad for his heart.
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If God really made everything…
He’s Chinese, right?
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I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.
It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper...
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Sorry I didn’t respond to your email in a timely fashion.
I literally cannot tell days apart anymore and thought today was two weeks ago.
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How did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
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A trucker stops for a red light one day and notices a blonde in the car behind.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and the blonde says to him, “Hi, my name’s Julie, and I thought you should know you’re losing some of your load.”
The trucker just ignores her, raises the window, and proceeds down the street as the light changes.
A short while later he has to stop for another red light. The blonde in the car is still behind him.
Again, she jumps out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they’ve never spoken before, the blonde says brightly, “Hi, my name’s Julie, and I thought you should know you’re losing some of your load!”
The trucker shakes his head but apart from this, he ignores her again. He raises the window and drives on as the red light changes.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
At the fourth red light, the trucker jumps out of his truck and runs back to the blonde’s car. He knocks on the window and she lowers it.
The trucker says, “Hi, my name’s Steve, it’s winter in Canada, and I’m driving the salt truck!”
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A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!”
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, “Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”
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What do ghosts use to do their makeup?
Vanishing cream.
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What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
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What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever!
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cash.”
“Cash, who?”
“Cash me if you can!”
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What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?
Existential dreads!
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Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.
Unfortunately, they didn’t catch on at that time, since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.
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Chuck Norris won the Tour de France on a stationary bike.
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What did Uranus say to Earth?
“You’re always following me around. Give me some space!”
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A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient.
“When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?” asked the lawyer.
“I didn’t,” said the doctor.
“And did you listen for a heartbeat?” said the lawyer.
“No, I did not,” the doctor said.
“So, in other words,” the lawyer said, “when you signed the death certificate, you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead.”
“Well, let me put it this way,” said the doctor, “at that point, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, I guess he could’ve been out practicing law somewhere!”
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What did the barber say to the man after shaving his beard?
“All good things must comb to an end.”
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