Did you know, some fleas spend their lives jumping for the moon?
Lunar-tics.
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Once a boy was killing mosquitoes.
The girl asked him, “How many mosquitoes have you killed?”
He replied, “3 female and 2 male.”
She asked, “How did you know that they were male or female?”
He replied, “3 were sitting in front of the mirror and the 2 were sitting on the treadmill.”
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Chuck Norris has a polar bear rug on his floor.
It’s actually a live bear but it’s too scared to move.
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Having your own child is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.
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Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech.
In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
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From the death notice of a local newspaper:
After a very hard and painful life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace.
The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.
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I named my pet goldfish Uranus.
It really keeps my aquarium afloat.
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Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.
The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”
Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.
“FATHER!” he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”
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What kind of exercise do sloths do?
Waitlifting.
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My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.
“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”
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What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
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What’s worse than getting a job at McDonald’s?
Not getting the job at McDonald’s.
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Why did the planet Uranus join a band?
It wanted to planet self in rhythm.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ginger.”
“Ginger, who?”
“The Ginger Bread Man!”
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What legend haunts the land of Sushi?
The ghost of Sushima.
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What do you put in a female balloon?
Shelium.
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What did Earth say to the other planets?
Get a life!
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A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.
After a while of, the doctor asks: “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an archeologist,” she answers.
The doctor responds: “Then I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”
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What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
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I am sweating like a cactus in a greenhouse.
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