Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
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The other night, I overheard three very hefty women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked, βHello, are you three lassies from Scotland?β
One of them angrily screeched, βItβs Wales, Wales, you bloody idiot!β
So I apologized and replied, βI am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?β
And thatβs the last thing I remember.
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A yam and a hot dog are having a heart-to-heart.
Yam: βCan I be candied with you?β
Hot dog: βIn that case, let me be frank.β
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Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?
If he raises them both, heβd fall down.
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Yo mama so stupid she made an appointment with Dr Pepper.
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A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.
The owner asks, βWhich type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?β
The man replies, βThe one in the freezer, Iβm pretty sure itβs warmer in there.β
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They said pooping is a call of nature.
So is farting a missed call?
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Yo mamma so hairy that Han Solo mistaken her for Chewbackaο»Ώ.
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What happens to corny jokesters who get jailed on April Foolsβ Day?
They go to the pun-itentiary.
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Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.
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Youβre so ugly...
You are the reason Star Wars takes place in a galaxy far far away!
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How many Twitter users does it take to change a lightbulb?
30. One to change the bulb, and 29 to cancel it for being brighter than they are.
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Cop Cuisine Point to Ponder:
Do cops like doughnuts better when theyβre spelled Do-Nuts?
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Whatβs the definition of an optimist?
A bassist player with a mortgage.
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What goes βOh, Oh, Ohβ?
Santa walking backwards!
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Why did Uranus become a rock star?
Because itβs always surrounded by gas.
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What do you say when someone dies between February 19th and March 20th?
Rest in Pisces.
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What is a carnivoreβs favorite bumper sticker for their car?
βI love animals. They taste great.β
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A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.
One day, a spaceship with βUFOβ written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.
The blondeβs boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
βDo you know what βUFOβ stands for?β He asks.
βOf course.β She replies, βUnleaded Fuel Only.β
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I am sweating like an ice cream cone under a heat lamp.
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