Best Jokes (4)



Why was the hip replacement patient alwaysΒ winningΒ atΒ poker?

Because they always had aΒ coupleΒ of joints up their sleeve.

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What’s a poodle’s favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.

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Patient: β€œDoctor, doctor! I’ve swallowed my money!”

Doctor: β€œTake this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.”

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I don’t plan to put up solar panels...

But, if you do, more power to you.

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Got an ice cream for my girlfriend.

Best trade I ever made.

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What did the fancy bearded goat order at the cafΓ©?

A goa-tea.

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Guess what made the sea monster such a successful comedian?

He was always kraken everyone up.

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What’s the hardest part of the roofing business?

The overhead.

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Why did the pineapple stop in the middle of the road?

Because he ran out of juice.

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A viola player goes into a music shop.

The shop assistant asks what he would like.

The viola player says, β€œWell, I’ve been playing the viola for years and I’m getting really tired of everyone pointing and laughing and acting like I don’t know the first thing about music, so I’m thinking about taking up another instrument.”

β€œDo you know what you’d like to play?” asks the assistant.

The viola player says, β€œI’m not sure yet. Is it all right if I have a look around for a while?”

Of course the assistant says that would be just fine.

So after ten minutes or so the viola player comes up to the desk and says, β€œI think I’ve made my decision. I’d like to buy the bagpipes you have by the door, and the big white accordion.”

The assistant says, β€œLet me just go and see the manager.” He goes and sees the manager.

He comes back and says, β€œThe manager says you can have the fire extinguisher for Β£49.99, but the radiator’s not for sale.”

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What did the client say when they saw the final ad concept?

β€œCan we make the logo bigger?”

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What do you do when you break your leg in two places?

Quit going to those two places!

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How does a Puerto Rican get ready for a marathon?

By putting on their running shoes and their party hat.

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Why doesn’t Spider-Man like rice?

It reminds him of Uncle Ben.

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My son identifies as a crescent moon.

I’m worried, but my wife says it’s just a phase.

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Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.

One falcon turns to the other and says, β€œMan, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.”

The second falcon turns back and says, β€œYou’d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.”

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One day, a mother sends her son to the market to get some groceries.

She tells him, β€œYou need you to go to the store and get a gallon of milk. If they have avocados, get 6.”

The autistic one comes back with 6 gallons of milk and tells her, β€œThey had avocados.”

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Do you come from a family of math nerds?

If you do, then you have square roots!

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You can look at the solar eclipse directly.

Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.

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Guess what horses, donkeys, cows, goats, and sheep all have in common?

They’re all very stable animals.

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