The bird developed an illness.
I think it started when the bird flu.
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What’s the best thing to play a bass guitar with?
A razor blade.
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Yo mamma so fat when she went on a diet she ended world hunger.
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What do you call a zombie that writes the music?
Decomposer.
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What do you call a Catholic priest who became a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
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What does CPA stand for?
Can’t Pass Again.
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I am sweating like a penguin in a tropical rainforest.
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Did you hear about the blue man who walked into a bar?
He was feeling quite cyan.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Abbie and Mannie.”
“Abbie and Mannie, who?”
“Abbie birthday and Mannie happy returns of the day!”
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Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
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What kind of money did the Elf on the Shelf use?
Jingle bills.
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“Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic.”
“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.”
“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”
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What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claus-trophobia!
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Chuck Norris’s ATM PIN number is the last four digits of Pi.
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What kind of pets does a band have?
Trum-pets.
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Chuck Norris once saw Spider-Man on a wall and then folded his newspaper.
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If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.
I guess that’s why they moo.
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Did you hear about the physical therapist who asked his date to meet him at the gym?
She didn’t show up, and that’s when he knew they weren’t gonna work out.
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What do you call a restaurant that predominantly uses garlic as an ingredient that caters to literary nerds?
Allicin Wonderland.
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What did Jupiter say to Neptune?
“Hey! I can see Uranus from here!”
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