Why did the atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldnβt believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
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Your mama is so short she doesnβt roll dice she pushes them.
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Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.
Because actions speak louder than words.
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What isΒ Harry Potterβs favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
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Why is March through May the best time of the month to buy a mattress?
Itβs when they are the most springy.
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So hot dog, we meat again.
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What do you call your co-workers in a boring and depressing workplace?
Melancolleague(s).
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What does a duck thatβs made of avocado say?
Guac.
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If you get kissed by an alpaca, itβs not the end of the world.
Itβs the alpaca-lips.
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Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
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Why was Uranus always mad?
Because it was the butt of everyoneβs jokes.
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Why was the burger sad?
Because he had the blue cheese.
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My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients.
I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
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A fly just fell into my butter.
Now itβs a butterfly.
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Paddy has just correctly answered the Β£500,000 question on βWho Wants To Be a Millionaireβ.
He has only one question standing between him and the Β£1m jackpot.
Presenter: βWhich of these birds does not live in a nest?
A) Thrush
B) Kestrel
C) Blue Tit
D) Cuckooβ
Paddy has one lifeline left β phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub.
Murphy agrees and immediately shouts, βItβs a cuckoo!β
Paddy goes with that answer and wins the jackpot.
That evening, Paddy was round at Murphyβs bar celebrating.
He turns to Murphy and says, βMurphy, how did you know that cuckoos donβt live in a nest?β
Murphy answers, βThatβs the easiest question you could have had! Everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!β
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A company manager is flying across the desert in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost.
He calls down to a man riding a camel below him and asks where he is.
The man replies, βYouβre 42 degrees and 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north, 122 degrees, 10 minutes west, 212 meters above sea level, heading due east by northeast.β
βThanks,β replies the balloonist. βBy the way, are you a data analyst?β
βYes,β replies the man, βhow did you know?β
βEverything you told me was totally accurate, you gave me way more information than I needed and I still have no idea what I need to do.β
βIβm sorry,β replied the camel-riding analyst. βBy the way, are you a company manager?β
βYes,β said the balloonist, βhow did you know?β
βWell,β replied the analyst, βYouβve got no idea where you are, no idea what direction youβre heading in, you got yourself into this fix by blowing a load of hot air, and now you expect me to get you out of it.β
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Kim Jong Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.
Oops! Spelled βnuclearβ wrong.
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What does a snail wear to go dancing?
Escargogo boots.
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As a child, a lot of kids would shove things up their noses.
Did you use a bowling ball that they never got out again?
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Son: βDad, have you seen βThe Matrixβ?β
Dad: βIs that the sequel to April Fools?β
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