What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?
They’re both pointless.
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Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
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How do you pick a motivated astronaut dog?
It’s the one that’s always sniffing Uranus.
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What do you call a row of trucks hauling nachos?
A cheesy pickup line.
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Flight allows flamingos to avoid predators.
Natural selection is why flamingstays are extinct.
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I have an archaeology exam tomorrow.
And it doesn’t matter if I pass or fail because either way my future’s in ruins.
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President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.
Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
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One eye told the other, “Between you and me, something smells.”
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My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.
I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.
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Why was the programmer always running into walls?
He couldn’t C#.
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What do you call a line of people gathered to roast Justin Bieber?
Bieberqueue.
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Why do people say donuts are made by God?
Because they are hole-y.
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I was reading a story about dragons the other day It just seemed to drag-on and on.
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All the physicists meet up in heaven and decide to play a game of hide and seek.
They decide that Fermi will be the seeker, so he closes his eyes and begins counting to 100.
All the physicists scatter, except for Newton, who calmly reaches into his pocket, takes out some chalk, and draws a square one meter on a side.
Fermi finishes counting and turns around, seeing Newton standing in his chalk square he yells, “I found Newton. Newton is out!”
Newton protests, “No, I’m Newton in a meter square—I’m Pascal. Pascal is out!”
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Why is the sun not very heavy to carry?
Because it is really very light.
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Your momma’s so short she can bungee-jump off a curb!
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Why are cooks funny?
They can crack yolks.
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How is a dyslexic cow like a Buddhist monk?
Both say “ommmmmmmmm.”
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How do dogs make sandwiches?
With purebred.
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Did you hear about the American Indian who died from drinking too much tea?
He drowned in his own tepee.
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