My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Alpaca.”
“Alpaca, who?”
“Alpaca your bags, we’re going on vacation!”
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You know what happened to humanity’s most intelligent ancestor?
He decided having kids wasn’t worth it.
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There’s a new battle royale game launching on September 1st.
It’s called “Back to School!”.
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Where do all planets go for their higher education?
To the universe-ity.
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My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
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Spider-Man gets a job in the CIA.
What does the officer tell him?
Spy-there-man!
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Boy: “I’m a superhero. Guess my name?”
Girl: “Iron Man? Spider-Man?”
Boy: “Yourman!”
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What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
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What’s a hairdresser’s favorite Christmas song?
“Oh, comb all ye faithful...”
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A man went to the doctor and said, “I think I am upside down.”
When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, “Because my feet smell and my nose runs.”
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What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter?
Ketch-up!
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A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.
Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.
He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.
As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, “Do you know, fancy that, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”
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Why didn’t the roast chicken cross the road?
It didn’t have the guts anymore.
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How do you know it’s time to retire?
It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!
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Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.
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“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
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What is a math teacher’s favorite tree?
Geometry.
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.
A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.
“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”
“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.
“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.
“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own damn business!”
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Female monasteries are nun-profit.
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