Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
I said, “Please don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.”
😄 😄 😄
Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position.
But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
There’s more geese on that side.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?
It was an old family recipe.
😄 😄 😄
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
😄 😄 😄
Once I tried to paint the sky, but I blue it.
😄 😄 😄
A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.
I took in a breath and asked aloud, “What’s that smell?”
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, “Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.
She turns to me and asks, “What’s that smell?”
I say, “Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.”
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the vampire bite Taylor Swift?
Because she had bad blood.
😄 😄 😄
How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?
Gutted.
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!
😄 😄 😄
A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”
😄 😄 😄
My commute to work today was just awful!
Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.
😄 😄 😄
Dating me is basically just being asked the most outrageous hypothetical questions like 10 times a day.
😄 😄 😄
After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help.
She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus.
😄 😄 😄
The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”
The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
😄 😄 😄
At first, I really hated the large pimple on my nose.
But it’s grown on me.
😄 😄 😄
What is a Mormon missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
😄 😄 😄
I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...
I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.
😄 😄 😄
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
😄 😄 😄
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables.
We stayed in a tea-pea.
😄 😄 😄
