How does a robot eat its guacamole?
With micro-chips.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the dyslexic refuse to wear a polo shirt?
Because he was Lacoste intolerant.
😄 😄 😄
One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God. “Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun. “They’re so hard to peel.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the hipster tell his chef friend with a beard?
“You ought to shavour every bite!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
😄 😄 😄
Yo sister so fat she has two watches, one for each time zone she’s in.
😄 😄 😄
My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
😄 😄 😄
Me: “Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and Facebook?
My Dad: “We used to keep useless information to ourselves.”
😄 😄 😄
Where does a Viking clown go when they die?
To ValHaHa.
😄 😄 😄
I auditioned for the role of Mickey Mouse, but I didn’t get the part.
The director said I was too Goofy.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a folk guitarist?
A rock guitarist can play all night without tuning, and folk guitarist can tune all night without playing.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog.
😄 😄 😄
I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...
Other than jumping to conclusions.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma’s nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so dumb she thought Call of Duty was a game about pooping.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer.
😄 😄 😄
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
Fangs-giving.
😄 😄 😄
I met a comedian who specializes in Uranus jokes.
Suffice to say, their humor was out of this world.
😄 😄 😄
When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you are eating a watermelon.
😄 😄 😄
