What do you call people who were born on Friday the 13th?
By their names.
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How do you get a million dollars?
Start off with 2 million and buy a bass guitar.
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Did you hear about the hairdresser?
She dyed.
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite exercise?
Spin class.
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Some wise guys show a civil engineer an 8 ounce glass with 4 ounces of water in it.
They ask him the age old question, “Is the glass half empty or half full?”
The civil engineer responds, “The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”
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I’m never afraid to make a Uranus pun.
They’re always out of this world.
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the pegleg?”
The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman.
“What about your hook?”
“Well,” replied the pirate, “we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman.
“How did you get the eye patch?”
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook...”
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A guy was in a bar drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”
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A child asks, “Mommy, does God use our bathroom?”
The mother replies, “No, darling. Why do you ask?”
The child says, “Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, “Oh God, are you still in there?!”
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I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Year’s resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.
My feet have never looked better.
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Where does a Viking clown go when they die?
To ValHaHa.
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What’s a cow’s favorite TV drama?
Graze Anatomy.
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You are so fat when you walk with your friends it looks like they are orbiting you.
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy bear.
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Why did the pig visit the physical therapist’s clinic?
It pulled a hamstring.
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It’s hotter than a Jamaican monkey’s butt.
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Mushrooms are the most virtuous of fungi...
they have the best morels.
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“Our face is kinda similar to a planet…”
“Oh yeah. Which one?”
“Uranus.”
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What is the difference between a piano, a tuna and a glue?
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
And you probably wondering what about the glue...
I knew you would get stuck on that.
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When the blueberry made a mistake, it had to blue-pologize.
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