Me: “I have a Zoom meeting later.”
My cat: “Oh, me too.”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the T-Rex Cafe always hiring?
No matter what, they always seemed a bit short handed.
😄 😄 😄
An astronaut stepped in gum on the moon.
He’s stuck in orbit.
😄 😄 😄
What disorder will Spider-Man get as he ages?
Peter Parkinsons.
😄 😄 😄
Mickey Mouse was arrested for identity theft.
He was charged with being Goofy.
😄 😄 😄
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
😄 😄 😄
I am sweating like a snowman in the desert.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the half of a mermaid that washed up on shore?
It’s only a tale.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s ears are so big she can hear what I’m thinking.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what kind of hike I went on today?
I hiked my pants.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side.
One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together, she asked me if she should change anything in her life.
I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better.
At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.
After the first day, I didn’t see anything. To be expected, of course, these things take time.
Three days later, nothing.
A week later, nothing.
Two weeks later, and I finally started to see something.
Thank god for that, I thought she knocked the light out of my eyes for good.
😄 😄 😄
Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
😄 😄 😄
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
😄 😄 😄
How many non-vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer to stay in the dark.
😄 😄 😄
Where does Spider-Man poop?
Web-ever he wants.
😄 😄 😄
A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there, he’s instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, “What’s this supposed to do, cure me!”
😄 😄 😄
What treat is never on time?
Choco-Late.
😄 😄 😄
What did the doctor say about the tall person who was in a rush to see him?
“I just wish he was a little patient.”
😄 😄 😄
I took a class on Narcissism.
I’m pretty sure I blew everyone away.
😄 😄 😄
I saw a butterfly with no wings today.
I poured some Red Bull on it and BAM... it drowned.
😄 😄 😄
