Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?
None – they gave up.
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What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?
Rename Uranus to Ouranus.
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What do you call people who design icons in League of Legends?
Lolicons.
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What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes.
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Your nose was on time, but you must have been a few minutes late.
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Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.
A salesclerk comes up to her and asks what she’s looking for.
“I’m looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I don’t know what kind he uses.”
“Is it the ball type?”
“No,” she replied. “It’s for his armpits.”
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What is a prankster’s favorite toy?
Silly String.
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What’s the difference between science and religion?
Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.
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I told my friend that I’m exploring Uranus.
They asked if I was becoming an astronaut or a proctologist.
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Employee: “Can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: “Certainly not.”
Employee: “Thank you so much! I knew you would be understanding.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Honda.”
“Honda, who?”
“Honda first day of Christmas my true love sent to me…”
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The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.
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A man ordered for a voice-automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car, “Car, go and bring my children from school.”
The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.
As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said, “These are your children, sir.”
In the car were their landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress’s two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son, and their neighbor’s two sons.
The wife said angrily, “I demand to know if these are all your children?!”
The man asked her calmly, “Just as soon as you tell me why our children aren’t in the car.”
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Why did the man who couldn’t grow a beard tape a rabbit to his face?
Then he would get the facial hare he always wanted.
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“LOL stands for laugh out loud and BRB stands for be right back, but what does IDK stand for?”
“I don’t know.”
“Alright, fine I’ll ask somebody else.”
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What would you call Santa if you found him at the South Pole?
A lost clause.
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Little Johnny’s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees Little Johnny pulling faces at another child.
She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, “Johnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”
Little Johnny looks up to her and says, “Well miss, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.”
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Today I asked my daughter for a phone book.
She said, “You’re such a boomer,” and handed me her phone.
So, now, the spiders are dead, my daughter’s phone is broken and she’s really mad at me.
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My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I’m a bus driver.
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