A guy walks into a cafΓ© and orders a coffee to go.
The coffee gets up and leaves.
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Iβm proud to announce I have stuck to my New Yearβs resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.
My feet have never looked better.
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Why are donuts good at playing golf?
They always have a hole in one!
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Why did the Gen Zβer bring a ladder to the library?
To reach the highest shelf for the perfect Instagram shot.
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A boxer was throwing nothing but right hooks at a punching bag.
His trainer walked up and asked, βWhat gives?β
The boxer replied, βIβm exercising my rights.β
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Whyβs it called a Caesar salad?
Because Caesar ruled the romaines.
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Your mama is so small she hangs glides on a Doritos!
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I had to give up my glasses after they started causing more drama than a pair of celebrity spectacles.
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Whatβs the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?
The Man U bus has more pricks.
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85% of people in America donβt know basic math.
Thanks God Iβm from the other 25%.
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Apparently, itβs good to talk to your sunflowers.
I tried to teach my sunflowers mathematics, but they ended up with square roots.
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Why does Spider-Man never get caught cheating on his wife?
Heβs an expert at spinning a web of lies.
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When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
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Did you hear about the woman who tried to bribe the police with pennies?
She was taken in by the coppers.
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What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
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My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess whoβs not allowed in my tree house anymore.
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What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyathinkysaurus.
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Wake up, you lazy!
I pray your day be profoundly fruitful.
I know it is very hard in your case, but at least try.
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How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?
He ate him on Sunday night!
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Did you hear about the flat Earth conspiracy?
Itβs spreading around the globe.
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