My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
😄 😄 😄
It’s hotter than a redhead’s getting a parking ticket.
😄 😄 😄
Yo sister so fat the only way she burns calories is when her food catches on fire.
😄 😄 😄
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
😄 😄 😄
Is your dad an alien because you’re out of this world?
😄 😄 😄
I’m a clown... and everyone nose.
😄 😄 😄
What a pun’s dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist.
😄 😄 😄
Why do poets go to the zoo to use the restroom?
So they can poo in the loo at the zoo.
😄 😄 😄
One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home, he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice, he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs, he looked back and shouted, “I thought you’d be tougher than that, Batman!”
😄 😄 😄
Feel my shirt.
It’s boyfriend material.
😄 😄 😄
I named my pet goldfish Uranus.
It really keeps my aquarium afloat.
😄 😄 😄
If I wanted to be taller, I’d just wear higher shoes. This is the height I want to be at.
😄 😄 😄
How does a lobster answer the phone?
“Shello?”
😄 😄 😄
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can blow up things, without a bomb.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a Jews favorite band?
Nickelback.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly Instagram tagged her selfies “explicit content’.
😄 😄 😄
A man went to the doctor and said, “I think I am upside down.”
When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, “Because my feet smell and my nose runs.”
😄 😄 😄
A cricketer walks into a hospital with blood pouring out of his eyes.
The doctor says, “Ebola?”
And the cricketer replies, “Nah, I’m a batsman.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the ketchup thief?
He was caught red-handed.
😄 😄 😄
