A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections.
He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.
“Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems,” says one of the leaders.
The politician pounds his table, “Ok, tell me what they are,” he impatiently replies, all the while looking around to confirm if the excessive display got a favorable response.
“OK, our first problem is a flu outbreak, but we lack doctors and hospitals, and the second one is...”
The politician cuts him off, “Stop right there, I’ll make some calls,” as the politician animatedly grabs his phone, punches the numbers, and makes his calls.
“Yes! Yes! That would be great, tomorrow then,” he loudly replies before punching another number for another call. “Yes, a hospital, I will pay for it personally.”
He hangs up and turns to everyone, “Good news, everyone! I have arranged for a group of doctors to come here tomorrow and check on those afflicted,” he loudly proclaims. “I have also called for the immediate construction of a hospital, which would begin as soon as we are able to find a suitable area today. Now, what was your other problem?”
“Yes, our second problem is that we don’t have cellphone coverage here.”
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Dave from my work retired today, at his retirement party he stepped out for a cigarette and I noticed every body called him Scarecrow.
I asked, “Why?”
Turns out he was outstanding in the field.
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Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Café?
Chocolate Moose.
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Elon’s opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...
Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!
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You look like a zombie!
Did you get enough sleep last night?
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Johnny paid his way through college by waiting in a restaurant.
“What’s the usual tip?” asked a customer.
“Well,” said Johnny, “This is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I’d be doing great.”
“Is that so?” growled the customer. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.”
“Thanks. I’ll put it in my college fund,” Johnny said.
“By the way, what are you studying?” asked the customer.
“Applied psychology.”
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What do you do when you see a severely injured pig that requires immediate medical attention?
You call the hambulance.
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The good news is Elon Musk is turning Twitter headquarters into a homeless shelter.
The bad news is it can only house 280 characters or less.
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Why is corn so popular on Thanksgiving?
Because it’s a-maize-ing.
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Which holiday is every policeman’s favorite?
National Donut Day.
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How do crabs get around on land?
They use the sidewalk.
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What did the first egg tell the second egg when it didn’t make it on time?
Omelette.
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I get so nervous during earthquakes.
That I start shaking uncontrollably.
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A man shoots another man five times but insists to law enforcement that it was an accident.
“How can you shoot someone five times by accident?” the officer asked.
“Well, I was aiming for the man beside him, but I have a lazy eye,” the man said.
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I hate being a depressed atheist.
Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.
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Millennial milestone:
I finally moved out of my parents and moved in with my girlfriend. Her parents were supportive, too. They even let us bring food upstairs.
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What do vegetarians say when they meet someone new?
Nice to vegetable you.
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What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
“April Fool! I’m not really dead!”
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One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night.
It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon.
Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted by the noises of the deceased chickens.
We had a poultrygeist.
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I read a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
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