Best Jokes (4)



You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe beside you, and you’re being chased by a lion. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel!

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Yo momma’s so hairy when she went to the movie theater to see Star Wars, everybody screamed and said β€œIT’S CHEWBACCA!”.

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My wife and I share a sense of humor.

We have to because she doesn’t have one.

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Two menβ€”one a brunette and the other a blondeβ€”were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.

The brunette guy says, β€œWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.”

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks – with no luck.

He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.

The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, β€œYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!”

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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

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A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.

He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, β€œWho is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The trembling monkey says, β€œYou are, mighty lion!”

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, β€œWho is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The terrified ox stammers, β€œOh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, β€œWho is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon.

The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, β€œJust because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”

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Your ears are so big your parents put you on the roof to see which way the wind is blowing.

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What do you say to a stressed snowman?

Chill out!

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My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses.

She just drinks straight out of the bottle.

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How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?

All of them, evidently.

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My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!

She told them to pipe down.

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Why shouldn’t you iron a 4 leaf clover?

You don’t want to press your luck!

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What is the 7th pin in bowling called?

Mother-In-Law!

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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.

I’m feeling canneloni right now.

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My commute to work today was just awful!

Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.

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It’s so hot that you can tell who has plastic surgery.

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Working from home is making me go to the kitchen more often than usual.

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Why was the jack-o’-lantern afraid to cross the road?

He had no guts.

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My crush told me, β€œCome over, no ones home.”

I went over... no one was home.

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I got the book β€œInternet Forums for Dummies” from a friend.

But I need to take it back, because I already Reddit.

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