I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.
It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper...
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The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
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What did the egg say to the frying pan?
You crack me up.
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New Year’s Eve forecast:
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
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I tried to organize my life like Pinterest.
But it ended up looking more like a messy DIY project.
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What do you call a washing machine with a September?
An autumn-atic washer.
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What makes nuts healthy?
They have many nut-rients.
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I banged my bike against the wall today.
It was wheelie unfortunate.
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Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service.
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I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
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I decided to donate my body to science.
For the time being, I’m following a routine to preserve it with ethanol until they need it.
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The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.
The good news: For the next 3 months I’m protected against heartworms and fleas.
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What number do you call in a Taco emergency?
Nine Juan Juan.
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Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
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Johnny paid his way through college by waiting in a restaurant.
“What’s the usual tip?” asked a customer.
“Well,” said Johnny, “This is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I’d be doing great.”
“Is that so?” growled the customer. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.”
“Thanks. I’ll put it in my college fund,” Johnny said.
“By the way, what are you studying?” asked the customer.
“Applied psychology.”
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Yo sister so ugly her pillow cries at night.
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What did the Java code say to the C code?
You’ve got no class.
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Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves.
The IRS office is of the same opinion.
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A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.
Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife’s back and says:
“Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You’re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they’re sticking to the pan! Careful!
Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don’t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!”
The wife stares at her husband:
“What’s wrong with you?! You think I can’t fry a few eggs?!”
The husband answers calmly:
“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
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Boebert asked her coworker, “Do you have any kids?”
“Yes,” she replied, “I have one child that’s just under two.”
Then Boebert said, “I might be stupid, but I know how many one is.”
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