Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Juliet.”
“Juliet, who?”
“Juliet pancakes for breakfast.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic.
😄 😄 😄
“The word of the day is ‘contagious’,” said the teacher. “Who can use it in a sentence?”
Little Jenny stood up and said, “My dad has a cold and said it’s contagious.”
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said, “Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think it’s contagious.”
Happy with Billy’s response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up, “Miss, my next door neighbor is painting his house with a 1-inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.”
😄 😄 😄
Why are orange jokes so dumb?
Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry.
😄 😄 😄
After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
She’s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”. EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.
October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”.
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here”. One of the clerks passed out.
😄 😄 😄
How do dogs make sandwiches?
With purebred.
😄 😄 😄
Friend 1: “You’re working from home because of the coronavirus?”
Friend 2: “I’m working from home because I don’t have a real job. We are not the same.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the waitress say when Rick Astley asked to fast track his order of apple pie and vanilla ice cream?
I’m never gonna run around and dessert you.
😄 😄 😄
What did the moon say to the sun?
“Hello, Sun.”
What did the sun say to the moon?
“Dad?”
😄 😄 😄
Henning Brand discovered phosphorous by boiling urine.
That’s why they call it P.
😄 😄 😄
I had to give up my job as a plumber.
It was just too draining.
😄 😄 😄
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep.
😄 😄 😄
Not sure if there’s been a break-in...
...or I just need to clean up.
😄 😄 😄
Where are bearded prisoners sent?
The Gilette-ine.
😄 😄 😄
The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter.
“lol”.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a snail holding a baseball bat?
A slugger.
😄 😄 😄
Your ears are so big your parents put you on the roof to see which way the wind is blowing.
😄 😄 😄
Can you guess where that famous painter’s ear went?
Not sure, but I saw it get in a Van and Gogh!
😄 😄 😄
I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.
It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper...
😄 😄 😄
