I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts.
It’s called “Hole Foods”.
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My wife and I have an open relationship.
Found out last night.
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Why do scientists suck at pulling pranks on April 1st?
They lack the element of surprise.
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When asked to write an essay on what he was thankful for on Thanksgiving, Little Johnny wrote:
I am thankful I am not a turkey.
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I told my boss I was feeling blue, so he painted my office the color of the ocean. Now I’m working in a sea of tranquility.
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Why do MMA fighters wear skin tight shorts?
Because otherwise, they’d be boxers.
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How can nursing be a dream job?
If there were no patients and doctors.
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My granddad always said you should fight fire with fire.
Maybe that’s why he got fired from the fire service.
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Yo mamma so fat when she went on a diet she ended world hunger.
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What do you call a letter from a feminist?
Hate male.
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What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?
A Mute-ation.
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Can you guess why learning sign language is such a good idea?
Because it is quite handy!
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The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in room 222.
Close to 17:00, he calls room service from the landline and says the following.“Tu ti, tu tututu.”
The attendant has a hard time understanding the request and, considering that it is the president, not just some regular customer, concludes that he must have overheard an encoded message meant for a Brazilian operative currently undercover. He calls the CIA and describes the situation. Shortly after, two agents are dispatched to the location.
After some hours of work and observation, they are unable to decipher any meaning from the encoded message.
The president eventually calls again and says, “Hello. Tu ti, tu tututu.”
The two agents recorded the enigmatic message and, after some more frustration, decided to call in a specialist in the Portuguese language.
The specialist, after learning of the situation, decides that the best course of action is to go undercover as room service to the president’s room.
When the specialist returned, he explained. “All the president wanted was some tea delivered to his room, Two tea, to two two two.”
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Good morning to someone who starts each day by asking the important questions of life: Can I eat leftover pizza for breakfast?
Have a great day!
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A farmer named Rick had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Rick. “Didn’t you say, at the moment of the accident, ‘I’m fine’,” asked the lawyer?
Rick responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...”
“I did not ask you for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”
Rick said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road.”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Rick’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”
Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said ‘how are you feeling?’. Now, what the heck would YOU say?”
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What happens when developers ask a silly question?
They get a silly ANSI.
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Why did the hip bone go to the coffee shop?
Because it needed a little perk-me-up after surgery.
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What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand.
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A friend of mine accidentally deleted my game data and told me to calm down.
So, after a nice cup of tea, I hid his body.
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Did you know that according to 911 choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a “bear attack”.
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