Why did they arrest the volleyball player?
They suspected foul play.
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of
feminine product for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The salesgirl says confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some
feminine product for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.”
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Why can’t diabetics have vengeance?
Because vengeance is sweet.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?
Gas-tronomic swirl.
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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”
She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
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What’s a cow’s favorite TV drama?
Graze Anatomy.
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They wanted me for the lead role in Twelve Years a Slave, but id only been married for 10.
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What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie.. or not to brie...
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What’s a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
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Guess what monkeys eat in space?
Space bananas!
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What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
An ambulance, he’s clearly injured.
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What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry?
Shrekspeare.
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On what day of the week, do monsters eat people?
Chewsday.
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What do you call a tired kangaroo?
Out of bounds.
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Good morning!
The boss is out sick so I’m taking it upon myself to declare today a sick day for us all. Go back to bed!
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Diet day 1:
I removed all the fattening food from my house.
It was delicious.
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What did the butter say to the bread?
“I’m on a roll!”
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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!
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Broccoli looks into the trunk of his car.
He sees an extra tire and exclaims, “Oh! I have a-spar-a-gus!”
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I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.
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