The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, “That’s probably why!”
😄 😄 😄
A man approaches a priest.
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he says. “I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”
“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink the juice.”
“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”
“No, but it’ll wipe that smile off your face.”
😄 😄 😄
A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell.
At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left, and he isn’t looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning.
He comes up with a labor-saving solution: Next to the bin where his melons are carefully arranged, he places a large sign saying “ONE OF THESE IS POISONED”.
Reassured, he goes home to sleep.
In the morning, he comes back to find that someone has written on his sign “Now there are two”.
😄 😄 😄
I’ll just say “morning” because a good morning would be much later on a Saturday.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Orange.”
“Orange, who?”
“Orange you glad I’m here?”
😄 😄 😄
We went to a wedding and my drunk wife asked me what I thought of her dancing.
I said, “You are just staggering.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a mermaid on a roof?
Aerial.
😄 😄 😄
What did the therapist say to the moon?
Don’t worry, you’re just going through a phase.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Mark.”
“Mark, who?”
“Mark your calendar, because my birthday’s coming!”
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma’s so hairy she looks like she has two Ewoks in a headlock.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson.
😄 😄 😄
December is the worst time of the year for someone who is...
Claus-trophobic!
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite accessory?
A gas mask.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call two ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese?
A paradux.
😄 😄 😄
A man with a wooden eye is at a dance.
During a slow dance, he can’t find a partner to dance with him.
He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose.
Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking, “Would you dance with me?”
Filled with excitement, she yells, “Would I!”
Without missing a beat, the man retorts, “BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!”
😄 😄 😄
What did Uranus say to its moon?
“You have the right to remain in orbit, anything you say will be taken out of context!”
😄 😄 😄
How do you serve a camel a cup of tea?
Ask them if they want one hump or two.
😄 😄 😄
Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache and glasses, I think
“There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.”
😄 😄 😄
