I ordered a book called “How to scam people online” two months ago.
It still hasn’t arrived yet.
😄 😄 😄
You can’t fit inside a tuna can.
But a tuna can.
😄 😄 😄
Johnny is struggling with recovery and, as luck would have it, he is pulled over by a policeman the one time he slips up.
“Sir, I smell alcohol on your breath. Have you been drinking today?”
“Well, officer, you’d be drinking too if you’d just killed your wife.”
“WHAT!? Are you confessing to murder?”
“The handgun is hidden under the seat. Her body, bless her soul, is wrapped in a sheet in the trunk of the car.”
The officer, stunned, handcuffs Johnny and calls for his sergeant.
The sergeant arrives, takes the car keys and opens the trunk.
“There’s no body in here,” he says to the patrolman. “I thought you said there was a homicide?”
He then searches under the seat, “And no gun either.”
The sergeant turns to Johnny for an explanation.
“Gee, I bet he said I was drinking too.”
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home from the hospital.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Catholic priest who became a lawyer?
A father-in-law.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so ugly when you sit in the sand, the cats try to bury you.
😄 😄 😄
A T-Rex and a dude walk into a bar.
Dude says, “Hey, T-Rex, ya got the first round?”
T-Rex says, “Sorry dude, I’m short handed.”
😄 😄 😄
Lava is the hipster of the geology community.
It knew how to rock before it was cool.
😄 😄 😄
What does Dr. Frankenstein call the cemetery?
Human Resources.
😄 😄 😄
April 4th. National School Librarian Day.
I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books.
She said, “That sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”
😄 😄 😄
How many non-vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer to stay in the dark.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Uriah.”
“Uriah, who?”
“Keep Uriah on the birthday cake, it’s about to be lit!”
😄 😄 😄
Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.
A salesclerk comes up to her and asks what she’s looking for.
“I’m looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I don’t know what kind he uses.”
“Is it the ball type?”
“No,” she replied. “It’s for his armpits.”
😄 😄 😄
Good morning to someone who is the best sleeper in the world!
Seriously. It’s been hours. Wake up!
😄 😄 😄
A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.
A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, “Your cat got run over by a car and died.”
The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.
His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.
A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.
“What?” he asks.
His friend replies, “Your grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.”
😄 😄 😄
Why are PC gamers always sad?
Because they can’t console each other.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?
Gas-tronomic swirl.
😄 😄 😄
What is more exciting than baseball?
Acidball.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear that I won the Thanksgiving turkey cookoff?
You butterball-ieve it.
😄 😄 😄
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
😄 😄 😄
