Yo mama so fat Obi-Wan Kenobi said “That’s no moon—that’s Yo mama!”.
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I asked Alexa if she was considering running for President, but she said she was better suited for Speaker of the House.
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What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?
Heaven ice day!
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Dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused severe pain to-ma-toes.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No ideer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no ideer.
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What’s the best thing to play a bass guitar with?
A razor blade.
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Student: “503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?”
Teacher: “502.”
Student: “How do you put an elephant in a fridge?”
Teacher: “No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!”
Student: “Just open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.”
Student: “How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?”
Teacher: “Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.”
Student: “No! Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.”
Student: “The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?”
Teacher: “The lion?”
Student: “No! The giraffe because he’s in a fridge.”
Student: “Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?”
Teacher: “Sally stepped on the alligator's mouth?”
Student: “The gators are at the party.”
Student: “But Sally dies anyway. Why?”
Teacher: “She drowned?!”
Student: “No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.”
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Yo mama so stupid she tried to smell her own nose.
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Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
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Why did the Smurfs kick Papa Smurf out of their village?
He was giving them all the blues.
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a Novocain injection during root canal treatment?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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Father’s Day at school, and all the students are supposed to make cards by drawing a picture of their father at work.
Teacher asks, “Logan, what does your father do?”
“My dad is a cop. I’m gonna draw him catching a bad guy.”
Then the teacher asks, “Briei, what does your father do?”
Briei says, “My dad is a writer. I’m going to draw him with his new book.”
Teacher gets to Jake, “And what does your father do, Jake?”
Jake says, “My dad is dead.”
“Oh my,” teacher says. “What did your father do before he died?”
Jake: “He turned blue and pooped on the floor.”
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What do cops call it when they’re called out to the local donut bakery?
Bread Alert!
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How many viola players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They can’t reach that high.
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My favorite character in the wizard of oz is the scarecrow.
I mean, come on, it’s a no-brainer!
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What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard’s neckbeard?
M’stache.
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From now on, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.
It’s a solid plan.
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Man: “Dude, my wife just crashed my Mustang!”
Friend: “OMG, is she okay?”
Man: “Well, she may need some buffering and a new coat of paint, but she should be alright.”
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What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
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I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...
I’ve been banned for life from that shop.
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