Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
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I said to my doctor, “I wake up thinking I’m a penguin, and by the end of the day I believe I’m an arctic fox.”
He told me I was bipolar.
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Dev was a coder and wanted to marry a girl, but his parents opposed.
DEVELOPED.
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“I wanna be the sun of your life!”
“Then stay at 1 000 000 km of me!”
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Husband: “It says here, that over 5,000 camels are used to make paintbrushes each year.”
Wife: “Isn’t it amazing what they can teach camels to do nowadays?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ken.”
“Ken, who?”
“Ken you please loan me some money?”
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Teacher: “Why didn’t you come to school on the first day?”
Dave: “My father is still in the hospital.”
One week later.
Teacher: “Is your father still in the hospital, Dave?”
Dave: “He is, indeed, a doctor.”
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I may be short, but short people can wear heels, ugly just can’t be fixed.
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What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?
“You are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!”
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My small friend always argues that vanilla, chocolate and strawberry are the three best ice cream flavors.
I think he has a Neapolitan complex.
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Why did the donut visit the dentist?
He needed a chocolate filling.
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How did a wife challenge her husband during his heart attack?
By asking for his phone’s passcode before calling 911.
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My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library.
I said it’s for shelf-defense.
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What is a cactus’s favorite Minions movie?
Des-prick-able Me.
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I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.
I just really feel the words a lot more.
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How do you know someone is a good guitar player?
He’ll tell you.
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I don’t plan to put up solar panels...
But, if you do, more power to you.
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My life is like an overproduced comic book series.
It’s just one issue after another, and the plot doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
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What did the mayo say after being pranked on April Fools’ Day?
“What the hellmann!”
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How many Mcdonald’s workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they can’t climb the ladder.
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