Why shouldn’t you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he’ll try to spike all the drinks.
😄 😄 😄
A man left for work one Friday morning.
Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
“That would be fine with me”, he replied.
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a 60-year-old who hasn’t reached puberty?
A late boomer.
😄 😄 😄
Someone keeps sending me sunflowers with the heads cut off.
Think I have a stalker.
😄 😄 😄
I asked the waiter, “Do you serve crabs here?”
He said, “Take a seat. We serve everybody.”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the man with the big nose sad?
He could really smell his feet!
😄 😄 😄
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning.
She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the ketchup thief?
He was caught red-handed.
😄 😄 😄
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears.
Looking back, it was obvious. He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
😄 😄 😄
Every year on April 15...
The IRS pays its taxes to Chuck Norris.
😄 😄 😄
What did Mario say to Princess Peach?
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.”
😄 😄 😄
I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...
Other than jumping to conclusions.
😄 😄 😄
Dating me is a lot like going to a yard sale.
At first, it looks interesting and enticing, until you get closer, take a look around and realize it’s just a bunch of shit you don’t need.
😄 😄 😄
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.
I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat Donald Trump used her as the border wall.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ray.”
“Ray, who?”
“Reindeer are getting ready for Christmas!”
😄 😄 😄
How do robots exercise?
They do circuit training.
😄 😄 😄
A lot of people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so stupid Kylo Ren couldn’t force read her mind!
😄 😄 😄
