How does a robot eat its guacamole?
With micro-chips.
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Why did the dyslexic refuse to wear a polo shirt?
Because he was Lacoste intolerant.
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One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
βMy daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,β said God.
βDear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,β said the nun.
βThere must be something you would have of me,β said God.
βWell, there is one thing,β she said.
βJust name it,β said God.
βItβs those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.β
βConsider it done,β said God. βBlonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.β
βThere is one thing. But itβs really small, and not worth your time,β said the nun.
βName it. Please,β said God.
βItβs the M&Mβs,β said the nun. βTheyβre so hard to peel.β
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What did the hipster tell his chef friend with a beard?
βYou ought to shavour every bite!β
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What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
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Why donβt they have Motherβs Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
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Yo sister so fat she has two watches, one for each time zone sheβs in.
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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, Iβm toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
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Me: βDad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and Facebook?
My Dad: βWe used to keep useless information to ourselves.β
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Where does a Viking clown go when they die?
To ValHaHa.
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I auditioned for the role of Mickey Mouse, but I didnβt get the part.
The director said I was too Goofy.
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Whatβs the difference between a rock guitarist and a folk guitarist?
A rock guitarist can play all night without tuning, and folk guitarist can tune all night without playing.
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Itβs so hot that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog.
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I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...
Other than jumping to conclusions.
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Yo mommaβs nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!
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Yo mama so dumb she thought Call of Duty was a game about pooping.
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What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer.
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What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
Fangs-giving.
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I met a comedian who specializes in Uranus jokes.
Suffice to say, their humor was out of this world.
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When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you are eating a watermelon.
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