Why does the fungus always win the argument?
Because they don’t leave mush-rooms for debate.
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I told my dad I couldn’t believe I’d failed my biology exam.
He said, “I’m your mum!”
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A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before leaving on vacation and requests a $5,000 loan.
“Okay, miss, is there anything you’d like to use as collateral?” the banker inquires.
The lady says, “Of course, yes. I’ll drive in my Rolls Royce.”
Stunned, the banker inquires, “A Rolls Royce for $250,000? Really?”
The woman is completely positive. As the bankers and loan officers laugh at her, she hands over the keys. They check her credentials to ensure she is the rightful owner of the title. Everything is in order. They keep it for two weeks in their underground garage.
When she returns, she repays the $5,000 loan plus the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we appreciate your business, but I have one question. We looked you up and discovered you are a multi-millionaire. What makes you think you need $5,000?”
“Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?” the woman responds.
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I wonder if the moon prefers coffee or gravi-tea?
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Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
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Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?
Because one more, and it’d be too farty.
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Yo mama so tall she tripped in America and landed in Australia.
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Yesterday I went to the doctor with a sinus infection.
But he told me it was all in my head.
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Where do you keep your badge at a Star Trek convention?
On a Lanyard Nimoy.
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What key won’t open any door?
A donkey.
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Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god?
Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.
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A Wolfswagon Rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
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From the depths of your slumber, I summon thee.
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How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
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Where does Spider-Man poop?
Web-ever he wants.
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What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut.
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Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”
“Oh, yeah?” her grandson replied, “So, why is their dad carrying that rifle?”
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I was reading a story about dragons the other day It just seemed to drag-on and on.
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Why is the woman afraid of the vampire?
Because he is all bite and no bark.
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What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
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