What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?
She said, “God was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.”
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?!” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.
“We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like Heck, they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.
“They’re coming for Easter and paying their own way.”
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I went to the doctor today for a checkup, and he showed me on a chart that I’m 20 pounds overweight.
But I pointed out that using his very same data, I’m not overweight, I just need to be 3 inches taller.
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Why did the Minion give Gru two banana skins for his birthday?
Because he asked for a pair of slippers.
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Guess what my doctor told me?
Laughter is the best medicine. I guess you bring the smile to my face.
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People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theaters.
Let’s just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...
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Why did the minion cross the road?
To get to his banana.
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Chuck Norris filmed the invention of a camera.
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What’s an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.
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What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A woolly jumper.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“How’s the New Year’s resolution coming?” the bartender asks.
“Great, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds,” the guy replies. “Seriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights.”
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Yo mama’s so stupid she thought Fortnite was fork night.
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It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.
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How did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
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Black people are really fast...
It’s a race thing.
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Do you know that the plural of penny is pence?
But we just say pennies because it makes more cents.
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In North Korea, you cannot throw fruits in the snow.
As they don’t have the right to freeze peach.
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King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him.
But the witch demanded a young, handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her.
On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa.
Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that.
The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body.
She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him.
The moral of the story is, no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.
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The party was a blue-ribbon event.
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Why did the moon burp?
Because it was full!
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