Why do lemons use sun tan lotion?
Because if they don’t they’ll peel!
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What do you call bread baked by a poet?
Poet-rye.
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What giant dog is made of strawberry, vanilla and chocolate ice cream?
A Neapolitan Mastiff.
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What do plumbers, garbage men, and economists all have in common?
They all deal with gross domestic product.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl I can say is “Knock, knock”!”
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What is the funniest time of day?
7:07 because when you flip it upside down, it says LOL!
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My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend.
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
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Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup?
Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
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Your mama’s so short that her homies are the Keebler Elves.
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Dating me is like being in a mental asylum.
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My boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and can’t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting.
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How do you know when an octopus has diarrhea?
It leaves squid-marks.
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There’s this black kid that goes to school and realizes teachers treat him differently than the white kids.
So, he goes home, paints himself white and shows his dad.
His dad beats the crud out of him.
He shows his mother, “Hey Ma, look! I’m white!”
He gets beat by his mom too.
Lastly, he shows his grandmother, “Grandma, look! I’m white!”
She beats him badly with her cane and sends him to his room.
Later, his dad comes into his room and asks, “Son, did you learn anything out of this?”
And the boy replies, “Duh! I’ve only been white for an hour, and I already hate three niggers!”
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What do the ministry of magic and Chelsea F.C. fans have in common?
They both find Potter undesirable.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Avery.”
“Avery, who?”
“Avery Merry Christmas to you!”
😄 😄 😄
I thought breakfast in bed would be a nice Mother’s Day treat for my Mom.
So I’ve put a camp bed next to the stove for her.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Olive.”
“Olive, who?”
“Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it.”
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Me and my childhood crush are getting married next week.
Me on Wednesday and she on Saturday.
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Guess who Dracula brings with him to movie premieres?
His ghoul-friend!
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Blue jeans are immortal.
They never die, they just fade away.
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