Dating me is basically just being asked the most outrageous hypothetical questions like 10 times a day.
😄 😄 😄
After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help.
She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus.
😄 😄 😄
The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”
The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
😄 😄 😄
At first, I really hated the large pimple on my nose.
But it’s grown on me.
😄 😄 😄
What is a Mormon missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
😄 😄 😄
I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...
I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.
😄 😄 😄
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
😄 😄 😄
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables.
We stayed in a tea-pea.
😄 😄 😄
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space.
I mean, what a thing to say to a friend. It totally ruined our bath!
😄 😄 😄
Three pregnant women are chatting in a café.
Heather says, “I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I’m pregnant with triplets!”
“I got mine done yesterday too,” says Linda. “I’m pregnant with septuplets!”
“I think I’ll get my ultrasound done next week,” says Martha.
The three women chat some more.
Finally, Heather says, “I got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was ‘The Three Little Pigs’.”
“I got Disney+ last month too,” says Linda. “The first movie I watched on it was ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’.” When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.
“It’s okay if you don’t have Disney+,” says Heather.
“I do have it,” says Martha. “It’s just that the first movie I watched on it was ‘101 Dalmatians’.”
😄 😄 😄
Why does August always get upset at the calendar?
Because it knows that summer is about to “fall” apart!
😄 😄 😄
Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them, “It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four.”
“Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.”
“You cannot pull that one on me,” replies Paddy. “Quattro means four. You have five people in your car, and you are therefore breaking the law.”
The Scotsmen reply angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”
“Sorry,” responds Paddy, “Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Me.”
“Me, who?”
“Oh no, the forgetfulness has started already!”
😄 😄 😄
To her credit, the registered nurse that prepped my father for his vasectomy was very gentle and pretty sure she didn’t mean to be unkind.
But he didn’t think it was very nice of her to say, “Just a little prick, sir.”
😄 😄 😄
My Sister works at a pharmacy.
As a pharmasister.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
😄 😄 😄
What do leprechauns barbecue on St. Patrick’s Day?
Short ribs.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
😄 😄 😄
A web developer walks into a restaurant.
He immediately leaves in disgust as the restaurant was laid out in tables.
😄 😄 😄
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
😄 😄 😄
