Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China.
I hope they’ve put it straight into iceolation.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Amish.”
“Amish, who?”
“Really? You don’t look like a shoe!”
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Remember that one time when you had to get out of bed and actually commute to your office?
Yeah, me neither.
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Why was the Arsenal fan banned from the library?
Because he couldn’t stop shouting “Sshh!”.
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If Shrek had been an average movie, it would’ve been...
Mediogre.
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I just saw a burglar kick in his own door.
It looks like he was working from home.
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Was drinking a milkshake.
Me: “Dammit, I think there’s a hole in the side of my straw.”
Dad: “You think that’s bad?! Mine’s got one at the top and one at the bottom.”
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Can you guess why learning sign language is such a good idea?
Because it is quite handy!
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A spider just crawled onto my keyboard.
Don’t worry it’s under ctrl.
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I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging out with her friends.
She said, “Yes!”
I said, “Good, because I’m breaking up with you.”
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Santa saw your Facebook pictures...
You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
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A guy is standing in the street shouting out, “I am God! I am God!”
The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.
Walking up to the guy he asks, “What is your name?”
“I am God,” the guy replies getting agitated.
The social worker says, “Calm down. Why don’t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.”
As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, “Oh God, not you again!?”
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What is the only thing that can cure a sick donut?
An antidought!
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A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the man behind the counter, after dropping off his prescription, “Excuse me, but what time do you close on Sunday?”
He replies, “Oh, we don’t close on Sunday.”
Pleasantly surprised, the man picks up some other items and leaves.
The next day—Sunday—the man goes to pick up his prescription, only to find a closed sign hanging on the door of the pharmacy. Peeved at the lying pharmacist, he trudges back home and waits Monday.
Monday morning, right as the pharmacist unlocks the door, the man is running up to him, shouting.
“Hey! You said that you never closed on Sundays, but when I came around yesterday, you were closed! What gives?”
The pharmacist looks at the man and says, “Well, we in fact did not close yesterday, because we never even opened!”
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What type of tomato smells best?
A Roma.
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Guy 1: “What do you call a deer with no eyes?”
Guy 2: “... what?”
Guy 1: “No ideer.”
Guy 1: “What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?”
Guy 2: “... what?”
Guy 1: “Still no ideer.”
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Quick way to stop feeling lonely:
Watch a horror movie in the dark.
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Millennials deal with their problems like a dog who’s new bed was stolen by the cat.
We avoid them and just sleep on the floor until they leave.
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The sunflower didn’t look very well.
I asked if he was feeling bouquet.
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I’m studying Human Anatomy.
It’s a polite way of saying “I’m watching people”.
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