My son’s asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It’s really cheap though so I don’t mind.
I’m not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
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What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
I-Scream!
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You so dumb you once tried to exchange a bib number because you thought the whole thing was printed upside down.
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Why did the electrician marry his colleague?
He couldn’t resistor.
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John F. Kennedy was feeling down one November afternoon.
He decided to go on a ride to clear his head.
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I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
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A woman walks into the Social Worker’s office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW!” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they’re all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one he is Terry, also.”
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker, “I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell “Terry!”, and when it’s time for dinner, I just yell “Terry!”, and they all come running.
And if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.”
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”
“I call them by their surnames.”
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What did the blue tie say to the little red dress?
“You go ahead, I’ll just hang around.”
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What do you call a guitar that’s made of sodium hydroxide?
Base guitar.
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Who invented King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
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Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings.
One by one...
As each relative goes home.
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The astronauts were pretty upset there was no Wi-Fi on the moon, they wanted to update their spacebook status!
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Where does a camel go after he’s eaten his main course?
To the desert trolley.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite comedy movie?
Guardians of the Gas-laxy.
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Why did Jesus deactivate his Instagram account?
Because he only had 12 followers.
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Why do people believe in the flat Earth theory?
They hit their heads at the edge.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl aboard.”
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Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
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Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy.
There were no survivors.
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Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”
“Oh, yeah?” her grandson replied, “So, why is their dad carrying that rifle?”
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