One day, a blonde woman entered an auto body shop claiming that she’d suffered extensive damage to her new auto.
The mechanic thought he’d have some fun with her, so he told her that she didn’t need him to fixed all the dents. He said she could fix them herself by blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could, and they’d all pop out.
The woman went home and proceeded to get down on her hands and knees in the driveway. She was blowing into the pipe as hard as she could and her face was turning purple when another blonde woman walked by and asked what she was doing.
After hearing the whole story, the second blonde pauses for a moment then responds, “Hello! The windows are down.”
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The lobster is one shell of an animal.
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What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?
The dentist.
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I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great-uncle fought for the west!
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Many were curious about how methane ended up on Mars.
I’m pretty sure it was because of Uranus.
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Why did Tiger Woods return the donuts?
Because there was a hole-in-one.
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A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.
He presumes, because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, “We love to fly and it shows.”
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, “Winning the hearts of the world.”
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, “Going beyond expectations.”
The woman looks at him wearily and says, “What the heck do you WANT, moron?”
“Ah!” he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, “American Airlines!”
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A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.
Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him, “Why the long face?”
The salesman replied, “I failed in Saudi Arabia. The campaign was a total failure.”
“Why is that?” asked the friend. “I thought you had a good campaign running.”
“Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the Saudis. But I had a problem—I didn’t speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhaustion; he has fainted.
Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.
I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldn’t go anywhere without seeing them.”
“Terrific! That should have worked!” said the friend.
“It should have,” sighed the salesman. “Only no one told me they read from right to left…”
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Do not be racist, be like Mario.
He’s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
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People that don’t eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don’t eat vegetables?
Constipated.
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There’s a reason that giraffes aren’t the king of the jungle.
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Did you know they found water on the moon?
But only when it’s waning.
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What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?
A Ford Siesta.
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Where do electricians get their supplies?
The Ohm Depot.
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When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he pushes the earth down.
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Haven’t you heard? All good things come in small packages.
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Why do women talk less in February?
Cause there are only 28 days.
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Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor?
Everybody.
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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, geez, I had to call the doctor.”
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What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
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