The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
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Yo mama so fat when she ate an Avocado it was Nickado.
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As I was driving to work this morning, this truck driver swerved right through the traffic, cutting up the other road users before smashing into the back of a car.
On the back of his truck was a sign saying, “How am I driving?”.
I thought to myself, “I’ve got no idea either.”
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How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
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I just saw that Harry Potter film. I think it’s a bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? How?
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An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.
The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said, “I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up, so I can look death straight in the eyes!”
The executioner accepted this request, placed the man in the guillotine and pulled the lever... but nothing happened! The blade did not drop! It was declared an act of God and proof of his innocence, and he was released.
The chef is brought to the guillotine and requests to be beheaded face up as well. And again, when the executioner pulled the lever, the blade remained motionless! The chef was released and joined his master.
Finally, the engineer is brought to the executioner. He, too, requests to lie supine.
As the executioner is about to pull the lever, the engineer exclaims, “OH! I see your problem!”
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Your mama’s so short that when she sneezes she hits her head on the floor.
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Why do marketers hate trampoline parks?
Because the bounce rate is so high!
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I asked what I should bring to the party. The hosts said, “Nothing, just bring a happy face.”
I had to cancel.
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
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How you can tell that Santa is real?
You can always sense his presents!
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How does the German baker greet his customers?
Gluten Morgen!
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I’m bald and I’m going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits.
So from a distance it looks like hares.
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I have a massive crush on a world leader, my wife thinks I’m joking.
But it’s Trudeau.
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Brought nachos to salsa class.
Huge misunderstanding.
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Doctor: “Yes, what is it I can do for you?”
Blond: “Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body’s blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn’t anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?”
Doctor: “The fact’s your legs are not that hollow as your head is.”
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What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
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Some cyclists are like clowns:
They dress funny.
They don’t follow any rules.
If anything bad happens to them, everyone laughs at them.
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An aristocrat Bostonian lady hired a new chauffeur.
As they started out on their first drive, she inquired, “What is your name?”
“Thomas, ma’am,” he answered.
“What is your last name,” she said. “I never call chauffeurs by their first names.”
“Darling, Thomas Darling, ma’am,” he replied.
“Drive on, Thomas,” she said.
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Good morning!
May your day be as fabulous as you pretending to work hard.
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