Why did the owner name his racehorse “Bad News”?
Because bad news travels fast.
😄 😄 😄
What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
“Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.”
😄 😄 😄
“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
😄 😄 😄
Last night I made fish tacos.
They looked at them and just swam away.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t cowboys ever get the right answer in math class?
Because they’re always rounding things up.
😄 😄 😄
There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.
Morel of the storey.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blueberry always tired?
Because it was feeling a little blue-combed.
😄 😄 😄
It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed.
Nobody wants a loyal snake.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a bar for a New Year’s celebration and took a cab home.
Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us to pass.
After a while, I made it home safely, which is surprising because I’ve never driven a cab.
😄 😄 😄
Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?
He was caught taking asteroids.
😄 😄 😄
Math teacher: “James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?”
James: “A Headache ma’am.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the cow jump over the Harvest Moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands!
😄 😄 😄
People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs.
That’s nonsense—what about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?
😄 😄 😄
Don’t let them scan your forehead temperature at the grocery, it’s mind control!
I came in to get eggs and bread, left with a bottle of whisky.
😄 😄 😄
Your forehead is so big, you’ll never have enough hair for bangs.
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a snowman!”
Doctor: “Keep cool.”
😄 😄 😄
What kind of car did the famous sushi chef drive?
A rolls rice.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
A cab.
😄 😄 😄
What do you do when you get locked outside your house in the cold weather?
You talk to the lock because communication is key.
😄 😄 😄
Doctor: “Yes, what is it I can do for you?”
Blond: “Doctor, yesterday, when I was doing my yoga, one of my friends told me that if I did this particular exercise, all my body’s blood would go into my head. But, when I stand, why doesn’t anyone say that all the blood would go into the legs?”
Doctor: “The fact’s your legs are not that hollow as your head is.”
😄 😄 😄
