Best Jokes - Page 99

Yo mama’s so fat, not even a ninja could carry her in a Fortnite battle.

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I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...

Other than jumping to conclusions.

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Teacher: β€œTake a seat”.

Student: β€œWhere do you want me to take it to?”

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I got a wooden bike with wooden handles and wheels. Guess what?

It woo-den start.

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I’m not buying this sweater.

It’s made of ex-boyfriend material.

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Yo momma so black, she makes Lando Calrissian look like Casper.

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I may be short, but short people can wear heels, ugly just can’t be fixed.

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A newcomer observes the inmates telling political jokes.

All the jokes are by now so deeply familiar that they simply refer to them by number.

β€œForty-three,” says one. General hilarity.

β€œTwo hundred and three”, says a second. Appreciative chuckles.

β€œThree hundred and twenty-nine,” says a third.

The newcomer decides to try his hand.

β€œNinety-one”, he ventures. Total silence.

He tries again, β€œThree hundred and one.” Not a titter.

β€œForty-two.” A deadly hush.

Puzzled, he asks his neighbor what he did wrong.

β€œNothing,” he says. β€œIt’s just the way you tell them.”

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You can’t lose weight by talking about it.

You need to keep your mouth shut.

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What do you call cheese that’s not yours?

Nacho Cheese.

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Guess what move pigs learn in martial arts class?

The pork chop.

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Do not be racist, be like Mario.

He’s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

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Did you know they found water on the moon?

But only when it’s waning

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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains, β€œExcuse me, Father, I don’t mean to trouble you, but I’m very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers.”

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he’s speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

β€œThat is truly a noble calling,” he says. β€œMost frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to the priesthood.”

β€œThat sounds like a very involved process,” the donut confesses. β€œI’m not sure I have the time.”

β€œIf you don’t mind me asking...” replies the priest. β€œWhat made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you’re not willing to commit to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?”

β€œWell...” the donut answers. β€œSee, it’s because I’m holey.”

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Are aliens from invasion movies actually British?

Because all they do is colonize.

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I sold a thousand CDs but only made enough money to buy one ice cream.

Probably because each CD was Milli Vanilli.

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What vegetable can tie your shoes?

String beans.

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Why did the guy eat a poisonous mushroom?

He thought that any morel would do.

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Your mama so hot, when Electra and Haspiel saw her, they burned to death.

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What sign was hanging outside the room where all the donut lovers were having a meeting?

It was a sign that said β€œDonut disturb!”.

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