A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”
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It is said regarding motivation that “the first step is always the hardest”.
As someone with plantar fasciitis, I could not agree more.
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What do you call a chilly dog sitting on bunny?
A Cold dog on a bun.
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Why did the blonde throw her doll on the grill?
She heard it was a Barbie-que.
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Why did the sun not go to college?
Because it already has a million degrees!
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People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it.
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What do you call Harry Styles without any hair?
Niall-fied.
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Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
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What does the Elf on the Shelf use to write with on the blackboard?
Chalk-olate.
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What do the New York Yankees and pancakes have in common?
They both need a good batter!
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Yo mama’s so stupid she thought Fortnite was fork night.
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Did you know that porcupines are one of the smartest animals on Earth?
Yeah, that’s right, science has proven them to be pretty sharp.
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Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.
The loser had to go live in the North Pole.
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What did the underpaid data scientist say?
“I need arrays.”
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Who should be your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
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An employee’s monthly salary was typically 2500$. However, one month, he received 2700$ and decided to remain silent about the discrepancy. The following month, his paycheck only amounted to 2300$, prompting him to march directly to the HR manager to voice his complaint.
The HR manager, somewhat puzzled, inquired why there hadn’t been a complaint the previous month when an extra 200 had been received.
With a slight smirk, the individual responded, “I’m usually one to forgive the first mistake, but I simply can’t tolerate it when a second one is made.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owls.”
“Owls, who?”
“Yes, the last time I checked, they do.”
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Facebook is like a fridge.
Even when you know there’s nothing new going on, you still go on and check it every 10 minutes.
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Mooning is very ASStrological.
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I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”
I said, “Not at all.”
He said, “‘Kiss?’”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel”
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