Best Jokes (99)



What’s yellow and always points north?

A magnetic minion.

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Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female?

Because they’re never wrong.

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What made the pig go to the kitchen?

Because he felt like bacon.

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Yo mama so ugly Forever Alone Guy denied her friend request.

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An aircraft was traveling from LA to New York.

About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, β€œWe have lost one engine, but don’t worry, there are still three left. However, we will need seven hours to get to New York instead of five.”

A little later, the pilot announced, β€œAnother engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York.”

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, β€œA third engine was broken. Never fear because the plane’s still able to fly on one engine. However, it’ll take another 18 hours to get from here to New York.”

At this point, one passenger said, β€œGee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”

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Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled β€œThe Milky Bars are on me!”, people just cheered.

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An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets.

The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.

He replies, β€œWell, my pet chicken, of course!”

β€œI’m sorry,” The girl tells him. β€œWe can’t allow animals in the cinema.”

The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers.

He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in.

Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it’s head out and watch the film.

Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified.

She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, β€œAgnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!”

Agnes whispers back, β€œOh, don’t worry about it... you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

Madge says, β€œI KNOW... but this one’s eating my POPCORN!”

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My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

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Why don’t mummies ever take a summer vacation?

They’re afraid to unwind.

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I went to a blues concert dressed in all black.

I guess I wasn’t feeling very blues-sympathetic.

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This is ridiculous. It’s July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.

One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

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I wanted to try my hand at designing my own game on Roblox.

But it was just too blocky for me.

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Guess what coat hangers do on the weekend?

They hang out, of course!

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I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.

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A detective walks into a party and asks the party goers, β€œDo you guys have any nacho cheese?”

The party goers respond, β€œNo dip, Sherlock.”

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How many Sith Lords does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because they prefer it a little on the dark side.

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Teacher: β€œIf your father has $10, and you

asked for $5, how much will your father

have?”

Akpos: β€œ$10.”

Teacher: β€œYou don’t know maths.”

Akpos: β€œYou don’t know my father!”

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A telephone rang.

β€œHello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”

β€œYes, it is,” came the reply.

β€œThank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”

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Yo momma’s so fat she dribbled the Death Star.

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What’s an Amish person’s favorite dried fruit?

A barn raisin’.

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