Funny Status One-Liners
Enjoy our team's carefully selected Status Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Success is like a fart.
It only bothers people when it’s not their own.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent.
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.
If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
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It's the season to be fall-y.
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I haven’t tripped, but here I am in the fall.
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What’s my blood type?
Pumpkin spice!
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A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.
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It’s cleaning day today.
I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
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I love vegan food!
It makes an excellent side dish to any meat.
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Haircuts are great because I did none of the work, but get all the credit.
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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
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Don’t fight with me over chocolate because I am not someone to be truffled with!
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The center of a donut is 100% fat-free.
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Warning!
Birthday donuts will make your clothes shrink!
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I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
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You need to understand the difference between want and need.
Like I want abs, but I need donuts.
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The optimist sees the donut whole.
The pessimist sees the donut hole.
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A person at the store asked me if doughnuts are healthy.
I don’t know, but I never met a sick one in my entire life.
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I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...
I’ve been banned for life from that shop.
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I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I’m working.
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You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
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I’ve finally saved up enough for solar panels.
What’s holding me back is that I can’t afford a house.
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Madonna is 54 and her boyfriend’s 25.
Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend’s 26.
So if you’re single it’s ok, maybe he’s just not born yet.
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My boyfriend said he wanted more space.
So I locked him outside.
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I want to be the reason who makes you look down at your phone and smile...
And then walk into a pole...
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I love Valentine’s Day: the bottle of wine, the heart-shaped ice cream cake...
Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching YouTube videos.
Good times.
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Got an ice cream for my girlfriend.
Best trade I ever made.
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My sister said I’m being immature.
I guess she isn’t getting her nose back.
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My sinus infection is really getting into the Christmas Spirit.
It’s all coming out green and red.
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I don’t like people who do not cover their mouths and noses when they sneeze.
These people make me sick.
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My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.
And they’re off!
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“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
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I love being a grandparent in retirement.
I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.
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Good morning!
The boss is out sick so I’m taking it upon myself to declare today a sick day for us all. Go back to bed!
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Good Morning, workmate!
Being around you has inspired me... to quit as well as locate a new work!
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I always wanted a life like a Disney princess.
I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day.
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I wish love is like a baby shampoo it has “No more tears formula”.
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True love is like a pillow: you can hug it when you’re in trouble, you can cry on it when you’re in pain, you can embrace it when you’re happy.
So when you need true love, Buy a pillow!
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Love is a very complex matter of chemistry. And that is why my partner treats me like toxic waste!
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Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, it’s going to end in a mess.
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Love is a lot like peeing your pants.
Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.
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Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...
WRONG... What every woman really wishes for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.
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Never laugh at your girlfriend’s choices. You’re one of them.
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Yeah, I like NFTs...
Nachos,
Fajitas &
Tacos.
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My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
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Today I made a big pot of pasta,
but when I went to dump the pot into the sink, I think I strained something.
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I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend’s mustache.
Now she’s not talking to me.
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The worst part about being a giraffe...
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
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I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.
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When my boss asked me why I showed up late for our Zoom meeting, I told him that he wouldn’t believe the network traffic.
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There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after... and working from home.
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I like to wrap myself in a blanket when I work from home.
You could say I now work undercover.
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Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
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The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
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Santa saw your Facebook pictures...
You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
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I burned 2000 calories today. I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
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The only love triangle I want is a slice of pizza.
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Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.
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If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:
right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.
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It has been said about tax:
“For doing wrong, you are taxed a fine.
For doing well, you are fined a tax.”
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They say that two things in life are unavoidable: death and taxes.
At least death only happens once!
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Some say that nobody should keep too much to themselves.
The IRS office is of the same opinion.
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Intaxifcation: The wonderful feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.
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Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.
Well luckily for me my future self won’t be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.
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Can anyone recommend a good bank account?
Mine’s run out of money...
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Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache and glasses, I think
“There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him.”
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Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realized my entire life is a joke...
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I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.
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Dear Students,
I know when you are texting in class. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.
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My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.
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My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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Never fight a math teacher. You’ll always be outnumbered.
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Dear math,
Please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
Thanks!
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Dear Math,
I am sick and tired of finding your “x”. Just accept the fact that she’s gone. Move on dude.
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Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.
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I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?
Pneumonia!
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My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.
So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?
She couldn’t do either.
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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Diet day 1:
I removed all the fattening food from my house.
It was delicious.
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To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
“Hello.”
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If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They’re normally around 90 degrees.
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It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.
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Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.
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My neighbors listen to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
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Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!
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When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
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I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.
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You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
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If God really made everything…
He’s Chinese, right?
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Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
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We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons.
If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.
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I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
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There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
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