How does a carpenter order 5 beers?
With 2 hands.
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The house is on fire!
Wake up!
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Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
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An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.
The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said, “I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up, so I can look death straight in the eyes!”
The executioner accepted this request, placed the man in the guillotine and pulled the lever... but nothing happened! The blade did not drop! It was declared an act of God and proof of his innocence, and he was released.
The chef is brought to the guillotine and requests to be beheaded face up as well. And again, when the executioner pulled the lever, the blade remained motionless! The chef was released and joined his master.
Finally, the engineer is brought to the executioner. He, too, requests to lie supine.
As the executioner is about to pull the lever, the engineer exclaims, “OH! I see your problem!”
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What month is Jake Paul’s favorite?
Feb-BRO-ary.
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The Twitter Files...
... are now the X-Files.
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Why did the bodybuilder read the dictionary?
He was trying to learn how to define muscle.
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A man walks into the doctor’s office.
A penne stuck in one of his ears, a spaghetti in the other ear, and a tortellini stuck in one nostril.
Man: “Doctor, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
Doctor: “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
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As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.
But let me give it a shot.
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Did you know that during childbirth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment
she almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Egg.”
“Egg, who?”
“Egg-cited for breakfast?”
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How do camels hide from predators?
Camel-flage.
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A man pays a visit to an old father and meets his three daughters.
He’s staying the night, and each of the girls approaches him to offer their hospitality in turn.
The first informs him her name is June because she was born in the month of June. She is an expert at fortune-telling and provides him with predictions for the future.
The second informs him that her given name is August because she was born in August. She is a doctor and performs a full physical on him.
The third informs him that her name is Maple because she was born in a nearby town. She informs him of a massive treasure hidden beneath the family stables.
After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house, covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple’s deception.
The wise man replies, “Oh, you must have met April. April fools.”
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If Trump was notified of an alien invasion.
“There’s an alien spacecraft but it’s not on course to earth.”
“Our specialists, they’re very special people, have concluded that this is just an alien spaceship making a simple flyby our solar system.”
“The alien ship is getting close to our American soil but there is nothing to worry about.”
“The aliens have landed off the coast of Florida but there is nothing to worry about, they’re just tourists.”
“Too many aliens are crossing our borders, we need to build a wall and make them pay for it and we WILL make them pay for it.”
“The aliens are eating our Americans, but don’t worry, they’ll eventually be stopped by our American armed forces in no time. You guys know a lot about aliens, right?”
“There are aliens outside of the white house but they’ll go away soon. We have riot police keeping everything under control.”
“The aliens have entered the white house, but don’t worry, we will negotiate something, and then everything will be back to normal.”
...
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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that, get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard later meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
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What did Uranus say to Earth?
“You’re always following me around. Give me some space!”
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
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Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.
“A lemon tree, my dear Wat-son.”
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And you resemble a pole.
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What do you call a leprechaun drinking a Guinness?
Short and Stout.
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