Chuck Norris does not have near-death experiences.
Death has near Chuck Norris experiences.
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Your mama’s so short that she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.
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Why can you trust your friends more after turning 50?
Because you can’t even remember each other’s names, let alone your deepest secrets!
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I really want to start a donut shop.
But I don’t have enough dough.
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Yo mama so fat Naruto couldn’t make enough shadow clones to surround her.
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A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.
Confused, the marriage counselor says, “This is quite odd, as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session, I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. I’ll be your wife.”
The man instantly stiffens up and looks very nervous.
Counselor: “Honey, are you not happy in our marriage?”
Man: “I can’t complain about that.”
Counselor: “Is it the relations?”
Man: “I can’t complain about that either.”
Counselor: “Well, is it the way I treat you?”
Man: “Nope. Definitely can’t complain about that.”
Getting frustrated about the lack of any insight, the counselor breaks character and says, “I don’t think this is really going anywhere without your wife present. Why don’t you bring her with you?”
Man: “No, that won’t work at all. It has to be just you and me. No role playing, either.”
Counselor: “Well, why is that?”
Man: “To you, I can complain!”
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On the moon they love a fancy breakfast, today they are having crescents!
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Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.
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What looks like half a flamingo?
The other half.
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Where do lobsters go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
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What do you call a guy in a plaid suit?
Check mate.
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What’s the definition of Specimen?
An Italian astronaut.
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A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 60th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice, luxurious hotel.
The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.
“It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the clerk.
The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.
The manager showed up and explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.
“But I didn’t use them,” the old woman said.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” he replied.
The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
“We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” he said.
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
The manager replied, “Well, we have them, and you could have.”
Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, “But I didn’t use it!”
The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.
The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him.
“But madam, this check is for only $50.00,” he said.
“That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” the old lady replied.
“But I didn’t!” the manager shouted.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
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What do you call a sleep walking Nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic.
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What would you call a walking mosquito?
An itch-hiker.
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A day without ice cream is practically un-cone-stitutional.
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God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
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The glasses on the table were feeling neglected, so I gave them a spectacle of attention.
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Why do people believe in the flat Earth theory?
They hit their heads at the edge.
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What is the funniest candy of all?
A LOL-lipop.
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