When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, “Oh, nothing. It’s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.”
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, “Gee, I never knew you played football.”
I said, “Well, I don’t. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Uranus.”
“Uranus, who?”
“Uranus is a gas giant.”
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What kind of bar is kid-friendly?
A chocolate bar.
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What does a colonoscopy look for?
Fartifacts.
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How can you tell Minecraft characters watch too much TV?
They all have square eyes.
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What do heroes like Spider-Man and Ant-Man have in common?
They bug the villains!
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How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?
FORE!
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What kind of key is edible?
A turkey on Thanksgiving.
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My geometry teacher is really upset that her pet parrot died yesterday.
Polly gone.
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What looks like half a flamingo?
The other half.
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An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.
He panicked and shouted, “God, help me!” and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.
A voice from the heavens boomed “You say you don’t believe in me, but now you’re asking for my help?”
The atheist looked up and said, “Well, ten seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.”
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Where does a Viking clown go when they die?
To ValHaHa.
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You’re so fat when you walk, everyone yells “EARTHQUAKE!!”.
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An Indian walks into a café with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Me in training for upper management: come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.”
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Which nut has the most calories for the human body?
The Donut.
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There is a beaver in our local zoo who is quite the celebrity. His name is Clint.
Clint EatsWood.
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I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.
Everyone looks surprised.
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I didn’t wear my glasses to the party because I wanted to make a spectacle of myself.
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A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES.
The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read MAIN ENTRANCE.
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I confused Thanksgiving with Tanksgiving.
Now I’m in trouble with the U.S. Army.
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