What do you call a rampaging cow under the full moon?
Udder lunacy.
😄 😄 😄
A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she won’t admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.
While she’s standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, dear?”
When there’s no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.
Again there’s no response, so he moves right to his wife’s shoulder and asks, “What’s for dinner, dear?”
At this, his wife turns around angrily and says, “For the third time, sausages!”
😄 😄 😄
So the T-Rex cashier says, “Sorry for the wait. We’re a little short-handed.”
😄 😄 😄
What kind of exercise do sloths do?
Waitlifting.
😄 😄 😄
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the teen get a grooming kit for his birthday?
It was his shaventeenth birthday.
😄 😄 😄
Who was the most successful Transgender and Transrace person in history?
Michael Jackson. He grew up a poor, black boy, and died a rich, white woman.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the owl ’owl?
Because the woodpecker would peck ’er.
😄 😄 😄
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.
😄 😄 😄
A ranger was assigned the task of hunting buffalo. He hired an aboriginal scout to assist him. They set out on their expedition to find buffalo.
After a while, the scout dismounts, places his ear to the ground, and says, “Humm, buffalo come.”
The ranger looks around with his binoculars but sees nothing.
“I see nothing,” he says to the scout, “how do you know buffalo are coming?”
“Ear sticky,” says the scout.
😄 😄 😄
An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.
She unloads on the doctor, “Doctor, my friends are all being awful people! They’re all telling me I fart all the time, and it’s just plain rude of them!
“Oh really?” The doctor says.
“YEAH! They’re ALL silent so I have no idea why they’d point them out. On top of all that, for them to tell me my gas is enough to gag a maggot. How could your friends say that!!”
“I see,” the doctor says.
“YEAH!! I’ve even felt a few fly out in the office and you’ve not had a SINGLE problem in this visit.”
“Here, take these pills, they should help you out.” The doctor says.
It’s been a day now, and the doctor’s pensively reviewing some charts, when all of a sudden the old lady busts into practice, shouting at the receptionist for the doctor to see her RIGHT AWAY.
She says, “Doctor, what the hell have you done with these pills?! I’m farting ALL THE TIME now and it smells like a landfill!”
After a deep breath, the doctor says, “Now that your nose is fixed, let’s work on your gas and ears.”
😄 😄 😄
A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.
His mother says, “Merci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?”
The boy says, “No mommy, it’s nacho cheese.”
His mother says, “Are you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.”
“I know,” says the boy, “but when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, ‘Hey, that’s nacho cheese!’”
😄 😄 😄
NASA has finally announced what would have happened to the earth if the moon wasn’t present.
50% less poems and love songs.
😄 😄 😄
Bob’s first day in heaven.
God: “You’re about to get your wings!”
Bob: “Lemon pepper or BBQ?”
God: “Get out.”
😄 😄 😄
What is round, huge, and very gassy?
Uranus.
😄 😄 😄
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat her durasteel armor has stretch marks!
😄 😄 😄
Why did Uranus start a comedy club?
Because it wanted to be the butt of all jokes.
😄 😄 😄
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot.
“I don’t know how you sleep at night.”
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t polar bears eat penguins?
They can’t get the wrappers off them.
😄 😄 😄
