After hundreds of years of speculation, aliens have finally contacted Earth.
They prepare a simultaneous broadcast to all humans to give us their message:
“Hello, people of Earth! We have been trying to reach you about your planet’s extended warranty.”
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What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
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A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
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When Superman gets ready for bed, he puts on his Chuck Norris pajamas.
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Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun look like Antarctica.
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Why is Uranus so good at baseball?
Because it has a great orbit!
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I was walking down the road along with my dog, looking cool in my black sunglasses when a YouTuber pulled me aside.
He said, “If you can walk round the park and back to me, I’ll give you 10 bucks. The catch is that you will have to do it blindfolded.”
I accepted his challenge and completed it in under 5 minutes. He was surprised and asked me how I did it so quickly.
I replied, “It was just a walk in the park for me. As a blind person, I can’t even see the problem with your challenge.”
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.
She asks him: “Little Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?”
He: “Like the moon.”
The teacher: “That’s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful”.
Little Johnny: “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”
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What is a pressing thought of every pig?
“Why do all bacon get cooked and cookies get baked?”
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Yo momma’s so stupid that she thinks Jar Jar is filled with Peanut Butter Peanut Butter!
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What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blue-berry.
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I got fired from the bomb squad today.
It’s too bad really…
I had a blast working there.
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What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?
Air conditioner.
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Did you hear about the astronomy professor who was always talking about Uranus?
He was kind of a space case.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“CIA.”
“CIA, who?”
“CI ate your last doughnut!”
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Dad: “My first son has a PhD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and journalism and my youngest son is a burglar.”
Friend: “Wow, a burglar? You should kick him out!”
Dad: “Nah… he is the only one who makes money.”
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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
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King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him.
But the witch demanded a young, handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her.
On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa.
Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that.
The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body.
She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him.
The moral of the story is, no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.
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