What do you call doctors who graduated online?
Google Docs.
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Guy 1: “Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.”
Guy 2: “And since when is Mike your best friend?”
Guy 1: “Yesterday.”
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
Dude sold his soul to Santa.
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Edward Snowden was discovered trapped inside of one of his ski lodges this Saturday, November 19th.
“Edward Snowden Snowed in Snowden Snow Den”
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A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
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Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?
Because they’re easy to push around and never stand up for themselves.
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I entered a Roblox building competition.
But got disqualified because my design was a copy-pastemasterpiece.
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I auditioned for the role of Mickey Mouse, but I didn’t get the part.
The director said I was too Goofy.
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How does Uranus like its coffee?
Black, with a little bit of gas.
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Why are dyslexic people religious?
Because they think god is man’s best friend.
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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
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I wonder if the moon prefers coffee or gravi-tea?
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My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told them to pipe down.
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Why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg cracked a yolk!
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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being—an animal.”
Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past, “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, “RALPH, wake up! You crapped the bed!”
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It’s so hot that my popcorn seeds start popping.
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Even Steph Curry can’t hit threes from behind your hairline.
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A lot of people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
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What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
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What do you call an Irish reptile?
Croc O’Dile.
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