Rise, shine, and try not to spill your coffee. Life’s too short for bad coffee.
Cheers to a spill-tacular day!
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What does an owl need after taking a bath?
A t-owl.
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How do you make a pool table laugh?
Tickle its balls.
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How do you spot a narcissist in a grocery store?
He’ll be doing the self-checkout.
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What does CPA stand for?
Can’t Pass Again.
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How you can tell that Santa is real?
You can always sense his presents!
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Where do fish sleep in the summer?
On the seabed.
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Yo moma is so fat Luke Skywalker that yo moma was the Death Star.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“CIA.”
“CIA, who?”
“CI ate your last doughnut!”
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What did the first person to get April fooled say?
“Jesus! I thought you were dead!”
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Your ears are so big you don’t need an alarm clock.
You can hear the sun come up in the morning.
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What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?
The Deli Llama.
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I can’t believe my parents support my choice of profession.
I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian and they laughed at me!
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What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?
She said, “God was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.”
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?!” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.
“We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like Heck, they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.
“They’re coming for Easter and paying their own way.”
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I went to the doctor today for a checkup, and he showed me on a chart that I’m 20 pounds overweight.
But I pointed out that using his very same data, I’m not overweight, I just need to be 3 inches taller.
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Why did the Minion give Gru two banana skins for his birthday?
Because he asked for a pair of slippers.
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Guess what my doctor told me?
Laughter is the best medicine. I guess you bring the smile to my face.
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People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theaters.
Let’s just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...
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Why did the minion cross the road?
To get to his banana.
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