There are two ways of waking up in the morning.
One is to say, “Good morning, God,”
And the other is to say, “Good God, morning!”
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.
A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.
“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”
“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.
“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.
“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own damn business!”
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I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.
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What do you call tortilla chips with guns?
Loaded Nachos.
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Ole and Lena went fishing one day on a rented boat and were catching fish like crazy.
Lena said, “We better mark this spot so we can come back tomorrow and catch more fish.”
Ole then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large “X”.
Lena asked him what he was doing, and Ole told her he was marking the spot so they could come back to catch more fish.
Lena said, “You big dummy, how do you know we are going to get the same boat tomorrow?”
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You’re so short you could use a pillow as your bed and still have some wiggle room.
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What do you call a desert-dwelling witch?
A sand-witch.
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What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
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The reason that no one has returned to the moon for so long is that every time someone tries to book a hotel there, it’s full...
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I don’t know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police.
All I asked was “How much for one night stand?”.
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If you were ice cream, you would be my favorite flavor.
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The best way to find a Puerto Rican?
Turn off the music and listen for the complaints.
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What did the chef say to his staff on Labor Day?
“Let’s take a break and cook up some fun!”
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Why did the donut start going to therapy?
It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing—it never felt hole!
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Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net.
Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.
As he embraced me, he sighed, “OK, let’s go over the rules of volleyball one last time.”
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Apparently NASA are extremely tired of all of the jokes that are made about Uranus so they decided to rename it to Urectum.
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Yo mama so fat she wears two watches, one for each time zone she’s in.
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What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they’re already stuffed.
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Santa: “I’m going to watch Mission Impossible tonight.”
Banta: “On cable or at theater?”
Santa: “Not the film, my wife bought slim fit jeans, and she is going to try it.”
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A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on.
Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
“And for your other two wishes?”
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”
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