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Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?

Because mothers are priceless.

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Where do vegetarian vampires live?

Plantsylvania.

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Pros of working from home:

Β· No pants

Β· Loud music.

Cons of working from home:

Β· You have to make your own coffee

Β· You talk to yourself too much.

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What prize do you get for putting your phone on vibrate?

The no bell prize.

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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.

She used to say β€œYou shall not pass!”

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I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning.

She said, β€œHow do you know he was on his way to work?”

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Public Service Announcement:

β€œIf you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs”

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What room has no doors, walls, or floor?

A mushroom.

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A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:

1. Heart disease

2. Chuck Norris

3. Cancer

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It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

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β€œWhy are you using our daughter as a guitar?” my wife asked.

β€œYou told me to rock her to sleep,” I replied.

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What do you call someone dressed as a clown who falls down the stairs?

An ambulance.

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A dragon would never explode.

But a dino might.

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How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

Start with a large fortune.

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Dating me is like dating your therapist who is also your mom and is also very disappointed in you.

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Yo mama so fat, she sweats butter and syrup, and has a full time job at Denny’s wiping pancakes across her forehead.

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I just couldn’t decide which Asian takeout food I like the best, Japanese or Chinese.

I ended up calling it a Thai.

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Facebook is like a fridge.

Even when you know there’s nothing new going on, you still go on and check it every 10 minutes.

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The banker fell overboard from a friend’s sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, β€œCan you float alone?”

β€œObviously,” the banker replied, β€œbut this is a heck of a time to talk business.”

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