From my viewpoint, it looks like it sucks to be up there.
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How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because the keyboard player can do it with his left hand.
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Success is like a fart.
It only bothers people when it’s not their own.
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What’s the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?
Mensch on a Bench
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Why are warriors such bad salesmen?
They charge too much.
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Me: “I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.”
Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
Me: “Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes.”
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Today, I found out there are places that sell fake scallops made out of white fish.
There are a lot of cod artists out there.
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Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But I’m not sure if I’ll keep them.
The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.
I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.
I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.
What luck! An ad for “Gorilla removal”.
I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.
5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.
At this point, I asked the guy, “Hey what’s the plan?”
He said, “Well, I’m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and you’ll never see that Gorilla again.”
To which I asked, “What’s the shotgun for?”
“Well, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Warren.”
“Warren, who?”
“Warren anything green for St. Patrick’s Day?”
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What do you get if you cross a pig and a witch with sand?
A ham sandwich.
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What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?
We’ve got a rocky road ahead of us...
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When we were children, we used to refer to our granddad as Spider-Man.
He didn’t have any special powers, he just couldn’t get out of the bath without any assistance.
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
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A lawyer tries a case out of town, accompanied by his corporate client.
After the case is given to the jury, the lawyer and his client wait for the verdict, which doesn’t come in for days. After the second day, the lawyer tells his client to go home, and he’ll let him know as soon as the verdict comes in.
The client goes home but pesters the lawyer every hour or so by text message for an update (of which there is none, of course).
Finally, the jury comes back with a verdict in the client’s favor.
Still sitting in the courtroom, the lawyer texts his client, “Justice has been served.”
The client shoots right back, “Appeal immediately!”
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I was at the paint store the other day and after the guy put my paint on the counter he asks, “Do you wanna box for that?”
I replied, “No but I’ll wrestle you for it.”
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A guy’s wife and kids all came down with the flu.
Upon returning home from the doctor’s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.
She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, “Three days?! The doctor can’t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!” Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, “If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl good things come to those who wait.”
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I’m not buying this sweater.
It’s made of ex-boyfriend material.
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Black Friday – the day when people spend money they don’t have on things they don’t need.
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