So, it’s about 1961, and I am ever so proudly part of a land survey crew working in a local neighborhood.
A young boy comes out from his house and states, “My mom wants to know what you are doing here!”
I state, “Well, we’re surveyors!”
And as the crew continues down the street, I hear his mom ask, “Well, what are they doing, Tommy?”
To which Tommy responds, “Don’t worry, mom, they are survivors!”
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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?
Rob.
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I just saw a burglar kick in his own door.
It looks like he was working from home.
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Where is the flu most common?
In cities with high levels of congestion.
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Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings.
One by one...
As each relative goes home.
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A Muslim man told his wife that she needed to start embracing her mistakes.
So she gave him a hug.
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Good morning!
Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.
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Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”
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A guy goes to see a doctor.
Guy: “Doc, I have a kingdom of ants inside my butt, and these be killing me, what can we do?”
Doc: “Get a watermelon, sit on it, once the ant king gets a taste, he’ll call his friends to join him out.”
And sure enough our guy does as instructed, after hours of watermelon sitting, the ant king comes out for a little taste.
The ant king: “BOYS, BRING IT IN!”
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On 4 July, what do you get when you put a photo of America in a locket?
Then it becomes in-da-pendant.
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What does a hungry math teacher like to eat?
A square meal.
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Math, the only world where you can buy 140 watermelons without your motives being questioned.
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The best way to find a Puerto Rican?
Turn off the music and listen for the complaints.
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A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
They celebrate it in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.
The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, “Isn’t it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?”
The wife replies saying, “Yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here without clothes,” with a naughty voice.
Both don’t doubt for a moment and they take off their clothes. They sit back down at the table giggling.
The wife says, “You know honey, even my mamillae are just as hot as 50 years ago.”
“No wonder,” the man replies, “one of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!”
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I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, “Don’t do that again.”
“Sorry,” I said, “It must be the nerves.”
“Fair enough,” he replied, “But there was no need to hold the microphone to your ass.”
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What did the blue crayon say to the green crayon?
“You’re green-crayon me!”
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In your 20s: dress like you’re on the catwalk!
In your 40s: dress like you walk cats.
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I learn a lot in meetings.
For instance, did you know that by bending a paper clip once, you can make a pretty cool ‘S’?
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