I told my wife I’d never leave her unless aliens came to take me.
It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.
😄 😄 😄
An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder.
The barman asks, “Where did you get that?”
The seagull replies, “Down the tip, there are heaps of them there.”
😄 😄 😄
I’ve got a new job at the chess factory.
I’m on knights next week.
😄 😄 😄
What’s something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?
A family member giving you the bird.
😄 😄 😄
I missed a question on my biology exam today.
The question was: What are commonly found in cells?
I guess “prisoners” wasn’t the right answer.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so fat she makes Jabba look like Calista Flockhart.
😄 😄 😄
How do you describe Neapolitan ice cream to someone?
Your two favorite flavors plus strawberry.
😄 😄 😄
I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.
1. My credit card number.
2. My social security number.
3. Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate.
😄 😄 😄
What did the Rams fan do when his team won the Super Bowl?
He turned off his XBox.
😄 😄 😄
I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love.
It never got published.
It was all in vein.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting cow.”
“Interrup...”
“Moooooooo!”
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.
I replied that I didn’t know he played cricket.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects?
A con artist.
😄 😄 😄
It’s hotter than a redhead’s getting a parking ticket.
😄 😄 😄
I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app on my phone.
It sent an ambulance to my house.
😄 😄 😄
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it’s just not as big.
😄 😄 😄
Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the first sign that you have caught bird flu?
Fowl symptoms.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
😄 😄 😄
April Fools’ Day.
The day, every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
😄 😄 😄
