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You know you’re 40 when you have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize.

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A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, β€œHere’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,” and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.

She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says, β€œLook, lady, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already.”

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When the cow jumped over the moon...

Never have the steaks been so high.

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My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.

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What do you call 10 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?

A problem.

What do you call 100 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?

A problem.

What do you call 1000 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?

Still a problem.

What do you call all of the Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?

PROBLEM SOLVED!

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Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor?

Everybody.

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What did you tell the shopkeeper at the grocery store?

Donut mind me, I am here for the hole food.

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What did the alien think of the anti-gravity book?

He couldn’t put it down!

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What do you call a 60-year-old who hasn’t reached puberty?

A late boomer.

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What do you call an exploration mission to Uranus?

Colonoscopy.

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Why did the peanut butter and jelly get into a fight?

Because they couldn’t agree on which bread to use.

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Can you guess what the calendar worker got fired for?

He took a day off without telling anyone!

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The tree hated losing its foliage in September.

When it grew back in March, he was so re-lieved.

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What are the official sea creatures of National Pi Day?

Octopi.

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When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

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Losing a wife can be very tough.

Some may even say impossible.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œAnita.”

β€œAnita, who?”

β€œAnita piece of that birthday cake!”

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My lucky day! I didn’t have enough money for the Honda, but the dealership took pity on me and gave me an old Fiesta.

I couldn’t afford an Accord, but I was accorded a Ford.

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A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

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I suspect the moon wasn’t hungry last night.

It looked full.

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