What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
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What is the busiest day for a chiropractor?
Throwback Thursday.
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I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Year’s resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.
My feet have never looked better.
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I’ve decided to stop going to my doctor now I’ve found out he’s into astrology.
I went to get the results of a scan and all he had to say was “I’ve consulted your chart and I can see Cancer is rising in Uranus”.
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WWhat music does SpongeBob listen to while jellyfishing?
Something catchy.
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Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?
He was making up for lost thyme.
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
I’ve got five fingers, guess which one is for you?
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A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.
When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.”
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Where do you park a camel?
At the Camelot.
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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Disguise.”
“Disguise, who?”
“Disguise your boyfriend!”
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What do you call a dad who has fallen through the ice?
A Popsicle.
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The banker fell overboard from a friend’s sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”
“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”
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My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
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Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them.
To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one.
He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.
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My wife was talking about funeral plans.
My Wife: “I said we’ll give you a military send off like the sailors on a ship.”
Me: “I was in the Air Force.”
My Wife: “OK, we’ll toss you out of an airplane.”
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I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...
They’re too fast. I’d never win.
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Chuck Norris can blow up things, without a bomb.
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Why do eggs like April Fools’ Day?
They love practical yolks.
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I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee.
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