It is hotter than jalapenos and spice on rye.
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Why did the hip surgery patient bring a suit to the hospital?
Because he wanted to be hip and dapper during recovery.
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Where do most ants live?
In Antlantic City.
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Yo mama so ugly Freddy and his friends hide from her.
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It was the first day of school.
Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”
“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”
“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”
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Guess what happened to the man who played board games all his life?
He got bored with playing games!
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Not sure if there’s been a break-in...
...or I just need to clean up.
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What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
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My son played soccer in the mud all day.
He was a little Messi.
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I never knew what happiness was until I got married.
And then it was too late.
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What do you call a spaceship with a faulty air conditioning unit?
A frying saucer!
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What would you call a small scoop of ice cream?
A uni-cone.
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A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: “Yoooo, I ordered a pizza, and it came with no toppings on it or anything, it’s just bread!”
Domino’s: “We’re sorry to hear about this.”
Customer (minutes later): “Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down...”
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I can’t decide if I want to watch the original Star Trek of The Next Generation.
I guess you could say I’m stuck between a Spock and a Picard place.
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At first, I really hated the large pimple on my nose.
But it’s grown on me.
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I asked Alexa what women want.
This thing has been talking for six hours.
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I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway.
Just in case there’s a traffic jam.
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I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.
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I don’t know why people expect to find aliens in Area 51.
Trump would have deported them by now!
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What is a cactus’s favorite Minions movie?
Des-prick-able Me.
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