Today is 3 weeks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol and vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout every day. Lost 14 lbs and gained muscle mass!
I have no idea whose tweet this is, but I’m proud of them, so I decided to copy and paste it!
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What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator.
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How do chickens wake up on time?
Alarm clucks!
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What does CPA stand for?
Can’t Pass Again.
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Getting dress for work is so stressful. Should I put on yoga pants or sweatpants?
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cash.”
“Cash, who?”
“Cash me if you can!”
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
I thought Voldemort was ugly, then I saw you.
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Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of it’s bark.
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Why did the employee get a camel in the office building?
Because the boss said, “Bring in the hump day.”
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Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.
He comes upon a question:
What separates the head from the body?
Ahmed answers:
The axe.
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My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder.
But that’s impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.
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What would you call Israel if it disappeared away?
Wasreal.
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Why is the number 237 magical?
Because it is Hex ED.
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Went to a hot dog convention hoping to meet some women.
But it turned out to be a sausage fest.
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A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study, so his old man buys him a sports car to drive around.
A few days pass, and the father calls the son, “How's it going, son? Are you having fun with your car?”
“No, father. I am ashamed; everyone here gets around by train.”
“Don’t embarrass me, son. Buy yourself a train too.”
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Yo mama so stupid she put her phone in airplane mode and thought she could fly.
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What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?
“Hey, pal, want to blue me away?”
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Why do cops that play basketball like donuts the most?
Because they love to dunk them.
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How did the data scientist get his girlfriend to become an attractive model?
By training her.
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How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don’t know, it’s never happened.
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