I’ve just started to read a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
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The inventor of the Oxford comma has died.
Tributes have been led by J. K. Rowling, his wife and the Queen of England.
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Why did the sun not go to college?
Because it already has a million degrees!
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I just got a job at a pharmacy. The pay isn’t great...
But the percs are amazing!
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A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.
“Hello mate,” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven.”
“What?” Exclaims the man, astonished.
St. Peter: “You heard, no Man Utd fans.”
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man,” replies the Man Utd supporter.
“Oh really,” says St. Peter. “What have you done, then?”
“Well,” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.”
“Oh,” says St. Peter. “Anything else?”
“Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.”
“Hmmm. Anything else?”
“Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty quid back, now screw off.”
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Do you know that Albert Einstein’s birthday was on Pi Day i.e., March 14, 1879?
Perhaps he served pie for his birthday instead of cake.
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What’s a planet’s favorite keyboard key?
The space bar!
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A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.
Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him, “Why the long face?”
The salesman replied, “I failed in Saudi Arabia. The campaign was a total failure.”
“Why is that?” asked the friend. “I thought you had a good campaign running.”
“Well, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the Saudis. But I had a problem—I didn’t speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhaustion; he has fainted.
Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.
I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldn’t go anywhere without seeing them.”
“Terrific! That should have worked!” said the friend.
“It should have,” sighed the salesman. “Only no one told me they read from right to left…”
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Why do the Ohio State Buckeyes eat cereal straight from the box?
They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
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Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
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Why did Uranus get kicked out of the library?
It was talking too much gas-babble.
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Why did the blueberry muffin crumble?
It fell to pieces under pressure!
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I asked my aging father why he doesn’t have life insurance.
“Because, son, I want you to be truly sad when I die.”
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If trees produced Wi-Fi, we would be planting them everywhere.
Too bad they only produce oxygen.
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What do you call Harry Styles without any hair?
Niall-fied.
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What did the avocado do at the wedding?
Make a toast.
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What do you call a rapper that smells nice?
Post Cologne.
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What’s the most common operation in a Lego hospital?
Plastic surgery.
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My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
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The bed-and-breakfast was owned by a little old lady who would cook the most amazing biscuits for breakfast every morning.
The guy loved these biscuits so much that he would eat five or six every morning, and he even extended his stay at the bed-and-breakfast just so he could eat more of these amazing biscuits.
Finally, after a few weeks he decided to ask her, “Ma’am, these are the most amazing biscuits I have ever eaten in my life. How do you make them taste so good?”
The little old lady smiled and said, “It’s nothing really. All I do is mix about 2 cups of flour with one teaspoon of sugar, one tablespoon of baking powder, and three mouthfuls of buttermilk.”
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