What do you call a Scottish girl with a fake tan in an Indian restaurant?
A mango lassie.
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Did you hear about the bingo caller who had a tumor?
Luckily, the tumor was B-9.
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Did you hear about the Tauren and the Gnome that escaped from the Stormwind stockades?
The guards are searching for them high and low.
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What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
The Anti-crust.
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My interviewer leaned back in his chair and said, “Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
“But I never went to college,” I replied.
“Well then, I’m sorry. You are underqualified to work here,” he said, as he showed me the door.
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Chuck Norris is the only one that can turn lemonade into lemons.
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I really needed Spider-Man to come and save the day, but he said he couldn’t get out of the bath.
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The pope dies and arrives in Heaven. St. Peter awaits him and asks who he is.
The pope: “I am the pope.”
St. Peter: “Who? There’s no such name in my book.”
The pope: “I’m the representative of God on Earth.”
St. Peter: “Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me.”
The pope: “But I am the leader of the Catholic church.”
St. Peter: “The Catholic church... Never heard of it. Wait, I’ll check with the boss.”
St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: “There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.”
God: “I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of. Wait, I’ll ask Jesus.”
God yells for Jesus.
Jesus: “Yes father, what’s up?”
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: “Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.”
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.
Jesus: “Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!”
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A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?”
I replied, “Kindergarten.”
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My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party.
I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.
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A spider just crawled onto my keyboard.
Don’t worry it’s under ctrl.
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I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”
He said, “Try the ATM outside.”
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It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
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Want to get an idea how important you are during a government shutdown?
IRS REFUND department: Non-essential
IRS Audit department: Essential
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Millennial superstitions:
If your phone drops in the toilet bowl, you will have seven years of frustrating eyebrows.
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A king had ten wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.
A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.
The minister said, “I served you loyally ten years, and you do this?”
The king was unrelenting.
Minister pleaded, “Please give me ten days before you throw me to the dogs.”
The king agreed.
In those ten days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next ten days. The guard was baffled, but he agreed.
So when the ten days were up, the king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.
When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister and licking his feet.
The king was baffled at what he saw.
“What happened to the dogs?!” He growled.
The minister then said, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service. Yet I served you for ten years, and you forgot all at the first mistake.”
The king realised his mistake and...
Replaced the dogs with crocodiles.
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Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip it looks like Ewoks having a party when she talks.
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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
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The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.
He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
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Why did the foot smile?
He was toe happy.
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