Chuck Norris gets 4-wheel drive out of his bicycle.
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What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
They gave him the cold shoulder.
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Me: “Good night, kids!”
Kids: “Good night, dad!”
Me: “Good night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!”
Wife (through radio under the bed): “Good night!”
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Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.
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Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
Because the chicken had his eggs.
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Bowlers do not make good employees.
This is because 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
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Did you hear about the Spanish woman who is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
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Yo mama so poor when I stepped on a cigarette to put it out she said “Hey, who turned off the heat?”
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“What do you mean if I can read this?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the dude.”
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Thanks to the coronavirus, we can now explain calling Gen Z “Zoomers”.
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What time is it when you see a crocodile?
Time to run.
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What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they’re already stuffed.
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What do you call a retired old cowboy?
De-ranged.
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I lost my pet dolphin.
Now my life has no porpoise.
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How does a lobster answer the phone?
“Shello?”
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Dating me is basically just being asked the most outrageous hypothetical questions like 10 times a day.
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Good morning!
Today is a good day to have a good day, especially if you've had your coffee.
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An alien drops by the White House and exclaims, “Take me to your leader.”
The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.
“Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!” calls a Senator.
“You are right,” responds the alien.
“See you on Thursday!”
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What did the doctor ask the composer right before his colonoscopy?
“How many movements?”
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Little Johnny’s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees Little Johnny pulling faces at another child.
She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, “Johnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”
Little Johnny looks up to her and says, “Well miss, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.”
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