I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.
It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.
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What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
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My PhD was about torque.
I guess that makes me a spin doctor.
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Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed.
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes
Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work
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To what would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?
Gatherer.
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What does a philosophy student feel when they fail a module on empiricism?
Hume-iliation.
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I’m not buying this sweater.
It’s made of ex-boyfriend material.
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An engineering student designed a robot that would take his exams for him.
The other designed a robot that could cheat off the first robot.
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English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
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Ever wonder why it’s called a Form 1040?
For every $50 you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.
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What did one broken ankle say to the other?
“Let’s stay positive and get back on our feet!”
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You can’t lose weight by talking about it.
You need to keep your mouth shut.
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“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
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It’s hotter than a door knob in a barn blaze out here.
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The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads “Please use toilet brush after using the toilet”.
Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?
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Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.
One falcon turns to the other and says, “Man, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.”
The second falcon turns back and says, “You’d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.”
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I’ve been listening to Harry Styles’ new music recently and I must say...
He has gotten a lot better ever since he went in the other direction.
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What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
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A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.
He went to a shop and found a nice-looking VR set.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, “What happens if this doesn’t work?”
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, ‘GUARANTEE NO SPOILED’.
Feeling assured, he paid for the VR set and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the VR set after returning to the hotel, but it wouldn’t even switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.
When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, “Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.”
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What do you call a flu that became a musician?
Achoo-bacca.
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