Yo Mama so fat when she was approaching the McDonald’s they closed due to an earthquake.
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People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it.
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What do you call a noun that is very good at its job?
A pronoun.
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What search engine does Super Mario use?
Yahoo!
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite brand of rice?
Uncle Ben’s.
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Guess why football stadiums are so cool?
Most seats have a fan on them!
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A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
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Why did the minion cross the road?
To get to his banana.
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Airline pilot to passengers, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re lost. The good news is that we are making good progress.”
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What do you call a hot dog race?
Wiener takes all.
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I told my friends I was a blood-sucking insect from the moon.
They said I was a luna tick.
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A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink.
Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city’s problems.
Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, “Listen, sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs, and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed...”
“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even tried alcohol?”
“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”
“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”
“Well, I really don’t know ...”
“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me, and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that evil is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”
“Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”
“Well, let’s go inside and settle this.”
“No, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this? Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this scotch you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”
“You’re on!” said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup.
He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please.”
The bartender sighed and said, “Is that darn “nun” out there again?!”
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You are like dandruff because I just can not get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.
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Why do computer scientists get confused between Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
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The moon is so cheeky, it’s always playing lunar-tricks.
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CNN made a joke article for April Fools.
Just another day in the office.
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What did the blue crayon say to the yellow crayon?
“This isn’t cray-on you.”
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I just found out Canada isn’t real.
Turns out it was all maple leaf.
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What’s a teacher’s favorite way to celebrate National Teacher Day on May 2nd?
By giving students a pop quiz to see if they’ve been may-taining their knowledge.
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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?
Phil.
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