How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take away its chair.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
😄 😄 😄
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
😄 😄 😄
My kids are the sunshine of my life.
Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.
😄 😄 😄
I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday.
I couldn’t see any.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Not as old as.”
“Not as old as, who?”
“Still not as old as you!”
😄 😄 😄
Flight attendant: “Do we have a doctor on board?”
Me: “I have a PhD in mathematics.”
Flight attendant: “One passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack.”
Me (nodding): “That makes two.”
😄 😄 😄
No need to Apollo-gize, I know you didn’t moon what you said!
😄 😄 😄
If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, even Google won’t be able to find you.
😄 😄 😄
What is Tiger Woods’ spirit animal?
I don’t know, but his wife said he was a cheetah.
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “John, show us where North America is.”
John: “Here it is.”
Teacher: “Good! Now, class, who discovered North America?”
Class: “John!”
😄 😄 😄
Happy 30th, the age where society expects us to have our life together, but we’re still figuring out how to fold a fitted sheet.
😄 😄 😄
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1. Crimes
2. Accidents
3. Marriages
😄 😄 😄
A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.
Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.
Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.
“Well”, said the teacher, “the first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”
😄 😄 😄
Yep, that’s one of the reasons why I’m so popular.
😄 😄 😄
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears.
Looking back, it was obvious. He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
😄 😄 😄
My friend said that my haircut makes me look like a rooster.
I said it’s a cock-a-doodle do.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?
Done!
😄 😄 😄
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
😄 😄 😄
Harry Potter needs 8 movies to seek and destroy Voldemort.
Chuck Norris needs 4 seconds.
😄 😄 😄
