Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Warren.”
“Warren, who?”
“Warren anything green for St. Patrick’s Day?”
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What do you get if you cross a pig and a witch with sand?
A ham sandwich.
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What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?
We’ve got a rocky road ahead of us...
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When we were children, we used to refer to our granddad as Spider-Man.
He didn’t have any special powers, he just couldn’t get out of the bath without any assistance.
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
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A lawyer tries a case out of town, accompanied by his corporate client.
After the case is given to the jury, the lawyer and his client wait for the verdict, which doesn’t come in for days. After the second day, the lawyer tells his client to go home, and he’ll let him know as soon as the verdict comes in.
The client goes home but pesters the lawyer every hour or so by text message for an update (of which there is none, of course).
Finally, the jury comes back with a verdict in the client’s favor.
Still sitting in the courtroom, the lawyer texts his client, “Justice has been served.”
The client shoots right back, “Appeal immediately!”
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I was at the paint store the other day and after the guy put my paint on the counter he asks, “Do you wanna box for that?”
I replied, “No but I’ll wrestle you for it.”
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A guy’s wife and kids all came down with the flu.
Upon returning home from the doctor’s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.
She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, “Three days?! The doctor can’t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!” Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, “If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl good things come to those who wait.”
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I’m not buying this sweater.
It’s made of ex-boyfriend material.
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Black Friday – the day when people spend money they don’t have on things they don’t need.
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It just seems that lately nobody really notices all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort I put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much I try to ‘get in the spotlight’ and display my art, people seem to just pass it by and go on like they haven’t even noticed it, not even giving it a glance or a moments thought.
I’m in a rut right now. Its hard to stay motivated and creative when all the hard work goes unnoticed, despite the pay being good.
For those wondering, I design camouflage.
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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
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My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel.
I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me.
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“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”
She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
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Yo sister so fat the only way she burns calories is when her food catches on fire.
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Once a boy was killing mosquitoes.
The girl asked him, “How many mosquitoes have you killed?”
He replied, “3 female and 2 male.”
She asked, “How did you know that they were male or female?”
He replied, “3 were sitting in front of the mirror and the 2 were sitting on the treadmill.”
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Yo mama so fat she wears two watches, one for each time zone she’s in.
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I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend’s mustache.
Now she’s not talking to me.
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