What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?
Flanagan.
😄 😄 😄
Now that I’m teaching remotely, I can’t reward my students for their good work.
So I tell them to visit my website for cookies instead.
😄 😄 😄
The pope dies and arrives in Heaven. St. Peter awaits him and asks who he is.
The pope: “I am the pope.”
St. Peter: “Who? There’s no such name in my book.”
The pope: “I’m the representative of God on Earth.”
St. Peter: “Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me.”
The pope: “But I am the leader of the Catholic church.”
St. Peter: “The Catholic church... Never heard of it. Wait, I’ll check with the boss.”
St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: “There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.”
God: “I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of. Wait, I’ll ask Jesus.”
God yells for Jesus.
Jesus: “Yes father, what’s up?”
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: “Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.”
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.
Jesus: “Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!”
😄 😄 😄
An English teacher was getting late for school on Teachers’ Day.
Suddenly, a cop pulled him over and asked for papers.
He gladly gave him all of his students’ essays to grade and drove off.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
😄 😄 😄
My physicist girlfriend told me that she loves me to the moon and back.
I’m worried she means displacement, not distance.
😄 😄 😄
Went to a pancake restaurant, and asked if my dinner would be long.
The waiter replied, “No, sir, round.”
😄 😄 😄
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a penny that thinks for itself?
A centient.
😄 😄 😄
Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China.
I hope they’ve put it straight into iceolation.
😄 😄 😄
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she.
😄 😄 😄
The attorney kept trying to sue the car dealership over their faulty vehicles.
It was a case of lemon-law.
😄 😄 😄
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist sees the glass completely full—half with liquid and half with air.
😄 😄 😄
What does CHEVROLET stand for?
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.
😄 😄 😄
How did Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
😄 😄 😄
What did the plumber call his restroom?
A home office.
😄 😄 😄
I just joined a gym for religious minorities.
Jehovah’s Fitness.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
😄 😄 😄
A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.
The owner asks, “Which type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?”
The man replies, “The one in the freezer, I’m pretty sure it’s warmer in there.”
😄 😄 😄
