Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.
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What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?
A spores car!
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A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.
He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”
“That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man.
“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”
“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”
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As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
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No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce.
They keep telling me it’s a lost cos.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Don.”
“Don, who?”
“Don be putting down the Irish now!”
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Guess what you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
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What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay.
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Why don’t mermaids play badminton?
They might get caught in the net.
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Yo momma so fat when she farts scientists on Tatooine think the star around Coruscant just went supernova.
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What do you call doctors who graduated online?
Google Docs.
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Guy 1: “Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.”
Guy 2: “And since when is Mike your best friend?”
Guy 1: “Yesterday.”
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Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
Dude sold his soul to Santa.
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Edward Snowden was discovered trapped inside of one of his ski lodges this Saturday, November 19th.
“Edward Snowden Snowed in Snowden Snow Den”
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A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
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Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?
Because they’re easy to push around and never stand up for themselves.
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I entered a Roblox building competition.
But got disqualified because my design was a copy-pastemasterpiece.
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I auditioned for the role of Mickey Mouse, but I didn’t get the part.
The director said I was too Goofy.
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How does Uranus like its coffee?
Black, with a little bit of gas.
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Why are dyslexic people religious?
Because they think god is man’s best friend.
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