I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.
Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.
😄 😄 😄
Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect.
I saw him speak a while ago and he said, “I’m the second guy to walk on the moon...”
“Neil before me.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat her durasteel armor has stretch marks!
😄 😄 😄
I love being a grandparent in retirement.
I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.
😄 😄 😄
What do Darth Vader and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both escaped the dark side.
😄 😄 😄
Wife asks, “Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?”
Husband: “I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.”
😄 😄 😄
You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so black she makes Lando Calrissian look like Casper.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call someone who isn’t a redhead but colors their hair red later in life?
A trans-ginger
😄 😄 😄
A bear walks into an ice cream shop.
Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?
Bear: Hi, I’d like a scoop of chocolate...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...chip.
Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what’s with the pause?
Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!
😄 😄 😄
A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.
“Hello mate,” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven.”
“What?” Exclaims the man, astonished.
St. Peter: “You heard, no Man Utd fans.”
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man,” replies the Man Utd supporter.
“Oh really,” says St. Peter. “What have you done, then?”
“Well,” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.”
“Oh,” says St. Peter. “Anything else?”
“Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.”
“Hmmm. Anything else?”
“Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty quid back, now screw off.”
😄 😄 😄
A husband and wife had a fight.
Wife called her mom, “He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.”
Mom: “No, dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!”
😄 😄 😄
Good morning!
The boss is out sick so I’m taking it upon myself to declare today a sick day for us all. Go back to bed!
😄 😄 😄
What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?
She said, “God was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.”
😄 😄 😄
Two gnolls are sitting in the woods eating lunch.
One says, “Boy, do I hate my wife.”
And the other one says, “Then just eat the salad.”
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve swallowed my money!”
Doctor: “Take this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.”
😄 😄 😄
You might be a barrel racer if:
· Your lucky shirt is held together with safety pins and duct tape.
· You take your own temperature and think 102 is normal...
· You can eat a taco on the way to a race and stay in the lines without dropping anything.
· Your husband says he has a backache and you head to the barn to get the Banamine and Bigel Oil.
· Your friend goes to borrow your hairbrush and has to pull horse hair out of it first.
😄 😄 😄
My neighbor rang my door bell at 3 AM this morning. Can you believe it! 3 AM!!
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
😄 😄 😄
A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.
He presumes, because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, “We love to fly and it shows.”
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, “Winning the hearts of the world.”
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, “Going beyond expectations.”
The woman looks at him wearily and says, “What the heck do you WANT, moron?”
“Ah!” he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, “American Airlines!”
😄 😄 😄
I’m in a really boring geology class.
I dust can’t sand it.
😄 😄 😄
