What do you call your co-workers in a boring and depressing workplace?
Melancolleague(s).
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99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people.
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Why did the boy only wear one snow boot?
There was only a 50% chance of snow.
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Who is a penguin’s favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica.
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Yo mama is so ugly that most Snapchat filters make her better looking.
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Remember the guy who used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers?
He had to quit cold turkey.
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If Uranus was a comedian, it would always crack jokes with a little bit of gas.
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Who do you sell second hand bikes to?
A re-cyclist.
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Yo mama so fat when she walked out in August in her yellow sun dress and the kids said, “Mommy, it’s time for school!”
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If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need.
Not all this “How did you get in my house??!!!” business.
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What does a volleyball player do at prom?
Spike the punch.
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Why can’t two ghosts make out?
They go right through each other.
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Why isn’t Santa allowed to shave his beard?
It’s in his Clause.
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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, “GIVE US YER LOOT”?
They were both blonds.
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Avril Lavigne could have just called her song Skater boy instead of Sk8er Boi.
Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated?
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My life is like an overproduced comic book series.
It’s just one issue after another, and the plot doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
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What’s the definition of Specimen?
An Italian astronaut.
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How do you spot a narcissist in a grocery store?
He’ll be doing the self-checkout.
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My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library.
I said it’s for shelf-defense.
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I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...
The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.
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