A woman goes into labor and at the hospital the doctor says, “Through the miracles of science, we’ve invented a new machine that will transfer the pain of childbirth to your husband. Would you be the first couple to try it out?”
So the husband and wife talk about it and agree that it’s only fair that they share the pain together.
They get hooked up to the machine and as she gets further along the husband gets a little skittish and says, “OK, listen, I know this is going to be super painful, so let’s start it at about 3.”
The doctor turns on the machine and before long the husband says, “Wow, this is nothing! Go ahead and turn it to 5.”
A couple more minutes go by, and again he says, “Man, this is easy, let’s go up to 7.”
The husband still sits there calmly and as the baby gets closer he says, “Gee honey, I don’t get what all the fuss is about, this is nothing. You women have been complaining about how horrible this is, but it’s a breeze. Gimme everything.”
So the doctor turns it up all the way.
The woman has the best, most painless delivery ever, and the husband just sits there like a champ with barely a grimace on his face.
Afterward, the doctor interviews them and the man is still in disbelief over how effortless it was and says he’d gladly do it all again, “I barely felt anything, men are so much tougher than women.”
Then, after the woman recovers, they gather their things and take their newborn home with them.
... and find the delivery driver lying dead on the front porch.
😄 😄 😄
A man went to the pet shop to buy a budgie.
“I would like a blue budgie please” he said to the assistant.
“I haven’t got a blue one,” the assistant replied. “I’ll sell you a green one and a tin of paint. You can paint it yourself.”
“OK,” said the man, “that’ll do.”
The next day, the man comes back. The budgie is dead.
“Look at this,” said the man. “It died while I was painting it.”
“That’s odd,” said the assistant, “I’m sure that paint was safe.”
The man replies, “I never got round to painting it. It died when I was burning the old paint off…”
😄 😄 😄
Wishing a happy women’s day to Siri and Alexa...
The only two women who listen to men and do as they say!
😄 😄 😄
An old country gentleman sent his son off to engineering school.
Four years later, upon his son’s return, he asked him what he had learned at college.
The son replied, “Pi r square.”
The dad exclaimed, “You didn’t learn nothin’, boy! Pie are round, bread’s square.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.
😄 😄 😄
A few guys in Spider-Man costumes walked into a bar.
Apparently, they were web designers!
😄 😄 😄
I went out the other day and there was a butterfly wrapped up in a web.
A few days later it had turned into a spider.
Natures amazing.
😄 😄 😄
Why are fat penguins so popular at parties?
They know how to break the ice.
😄 😄 😄
The moon gets a little more chilly in September, time to put on its harvest!
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What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honey-earth!
😄 😄 😄
Guess what the only superhero I want to be?
YourMan.
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I named my pet goldfish Uranus.
It really keeps my aquarium afloat.
😄 😄 😄
What did the chef say to his staff on Labor Day?
“Let’s take a break and cook up some fun!”
😄 😄 😄
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren’t gonna work out.
😄 😄 😄
A good friend of mine—Frank—owns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business.
He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though and is determined to make every post a weiner.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lenny.”
“Lenny, who?”
“Lenny know when you’re done with these April Fools’ Day jokes.”
😄 😄 😄
I wanted to try my hand at designing my own game on Roblox.
But it was just too blocky for me.
😄 😄 😄
Which ankle did Spider-Man twist after tripping on the curb?
Ankle Ben.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Halibut.”
“Halibut, who?”
“Halibut lending me five dollars?”
😄 😄 😄
My favorite planet is Uranus because it’s just so well-rounded.
😄 😄 😄
