What do you call a chili with a PhD?
Dr. Pepper.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man gets a job in the CIA.
What does the officer tell him?
Spy-there-man!
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The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”
The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
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A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”
“Twelve dollars,” says the barber.
“And for a shave?”
“Ten dollars.”
“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”
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An emergency call center worker has been fired in Toronto, much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes, I can finally meet Allah.”
To which the call center employee replied, “Remain calm and stay on the line.”
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Flight allows flamingos to avoid predators.
Natural selection is why flamingstays are extinct.
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Why does it take 100 mink to make a fur coat?
Because they are lazy and have small hands.
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I guess I don’t need any sunshine anymore.
Because your smile is going to brighten up my day!
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Bob’s first day in heaven.
God: “You’re about to get your wings!”
Bob: “Lemon pepper or BBQ?”
God: “Get out.”
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One friend took the elevator while the other took the staircase. Guess what?
Both were raised differently.
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I dreamed last night that I was making pancakes whilst driving along a twisty road.
I tossed and turned all night.
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A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn’t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: “What are you waiting for?”
The husband replies, “Autumn.”
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You are so dumb you thought a thesaurus was a kind of dinosaur.
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What do you have to put on your hot dogs?
Must-ard!
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Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.
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My calculator stopped working mid-way through my exam.
I can’t count on it anymore.
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Man tries to open a bank account.
Teller asks him, “Your name?”
“J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.”
“Oh, you stutter?”
“No, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!”
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A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.
As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that!”
The engineer replied, “You wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”
So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, “Do you wanna see magic?”
The shop boy replied, “Yes!!!”
The engineer said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.
Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.
Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.
The shop boy asked, “But where’s the magic?”
The engineer replied, “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them!”
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My tailor really likes fixing my clothes.
Or sew it seams.
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What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
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