What did a brick say to a wall?
“I’ve got your back!”
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Yo momma’s so hairy when she went to the movie theater to see Star Wars, everybody screamed and said “IT’S CHEWBACCA!”.
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A magician gets himself a parrot for his act.
After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows, saying things like “it’s under his hat”, “it’s up his sleeve”, “his assistant has it”.
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks.
The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end.
The parrot and the magician spend two days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, “Alright, I give up. Where’s the boat?”
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I just saw a burglar kick in his own door.
It looks like he was working from home.
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What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?
The space bar.
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Your mama’s so short that when she sneezes she hits her head on the floor.
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Henning Brand discovered phosphorous by boiling urine.
That’s why they call it P.
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A guy goes to see a doctor.
Guy: “Doc, I have a kingdom of ants inside my butt, and these be killing me, what can we do?”
Doc: “Get a watermelon, sit on it, once the ant king gets a taste, he’ll call his friends to join him out.”
And sure enough our guy does as instructed, after hours of watermelon sitting, the ant king comes out for a little taste.
The ant king: “BOYS, BRING IT IN!”
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I’m the life and soul of my workplace.
I work in a morgue.
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Yo momma is so dumb she makes Gungans look smart.
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Chuck Norris does not have near-death experiences.
Death has near Chuck Norris experiences.
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Your mama’s so short that she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.
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Why can you trust your friends more after turning 50?
Because you can’t even remember each other’s names, let alone your deepest secrets!
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I really want to start a donut shop.
But I don’t have enough dough.
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Yo mama so fat Naruto couldn’t make enough shadow clones to surround her.
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A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.
Confused, the marriage counselor says, “This is quite odd, as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session, I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. I’ll be your wife.”
The man instantly stiffens up and looks very nervous.
Counselor: “Honey, are you not happy in our marriage?”
Man: “I can’t complain about that.”
Counselor: “Is it the relations?”
Man: “I can’t complain about that either.”
Counselor: “Well, is it the way I treat you?”
Man: “Nope. Definitely can’t complain about that.”
Getting frustrated about the lack of any insight, the counselor breaks character and says, “I don’t think this is really going anywhere without your wife present. Why don’t you bring her with you?”
Man: “No, that won’t work at all. It has to be just you and me. No role playing, either.”
Counselor: “Well, why is that?”
Man: “To you, I can complain!”
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On the moon they love a fancy breakfast, today they are having crescents!
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Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.
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What looks like half a flamingo?
The other half.
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Where do lobsters go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
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