Why did the Mallard fail as a comic?
His humor was too fowl.
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Marriage is love.
Love is blind.
Marriage is an institution.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
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I’m out of bed and I made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?
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What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
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Why did the carpenter take time off on Labor Day?
He needed to hammer out his vacation plans.
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A man called 911 regarding a fly problem.
They sent a SWAT team.
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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
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What do you call a single kernel of corn?
A uni-corn.
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What’s the difference in definition of complete vs. finished?
When you marry the right woman, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.
When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.
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Yo mama so poor when I stepped on a cigarette to put it out she said “Hey, who turned off the heat?”
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Why do T-Rexes have such bad anger issues?
Because their fathers never hugged them.
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The policeman told me he was chasing a man with one leg.
I told him to use both, he would get him faster.
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How does a tiger move a boat?
He uses roars.
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Why did the Smurfs kick Papa Smurf out of their village?
He was giving them all the blues.
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Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.
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What do you call alien eggs?
Eggstra-terrestrials!
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What does a mushroom sit on?
A toadstool.
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Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Canoe.”
“Canoe, who?”
“Canoe you buy me a donut?”
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A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”
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