Dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused severe pain to-ma-toes.
😄 😄 😄
The toast was having a sleepover. Guess what he was wearing?
His favorite pa-jam-as.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so dumb she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
😄 😄 😄
My friend thought he was better Super Mario player than me.
But he was wrong on so many levels.
😄 😄 😄
What motorbikes do ghosts prefer?
A boocati.
😄 😄 😄
A thief got caught stealing pizza. Guess what the police told him?
His marinara rights.
😄 😄 😄
Police have arrested a gang of corn flakes that they allege committed a spree of armed robberies throughout the metro area.
A Police spokesman described them as cereal offenders.
😄 😄 😄
The physics student asks to go to the bathroom. Professor asks, “Liquid, Solid or Gas?”
😄 😄 😄
A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.
“Sure,” the airline agent said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”
She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was perplexed.
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
😄 😄 😄
Why are short people better than tall people?
They are more down to earth.
😄 😄 😄
On Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy...
Getting up off the floor is another story.
😄 😄 😄
A blind man walks into a bar...
And a wall, and a tree, and a cactus.
😄 😄 😄
A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview.
The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.
The first one asks, “Who do you think the best soccer player in the world is?”
The smart guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.
The second interviewer asks, “When did the phone come out?”
The smart guy replies, “The first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Do you believe in UFOs?”
The smart guy replies, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers, and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.
Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasn’t that bright so the first one asked, “Who is your father?”
The dumb guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.”
The second interview asks, “When were you born?”
He replied, “I came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Are you dumb?”
The dumb guy says, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a triumphant procession held by the bowling pins?
A perfect strike.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a bird that’s afraid of heights?
A chicken.
😄 😄 😄
My wife said, “Did you know butterflies only live for one day?”
I said, “That’s a myth.”
She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do java coders wear glasses?
Because they don’t C#.
😄 😄 😄
A few weeks ago, I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.
They arrived today, safe and sound.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so old she trained Yada’s master in the force!
😄 😄 😄
Why did everybody think the cowboy was so funny?
Because he was always horsing around.
😄 😄 😄
