What’s the best way to talk to The Mind Flayer?
From a distance.
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Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, “If your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”
Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.
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The EU was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner.
But they refused to have turkey.
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Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?
She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
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What do you eat at the beach?
A sand-wich.
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Who are the biggest fans at the theater?
The backstage crew—they’re always giving props to the actors.
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A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo at night.
Knowing that he could hop really high, the zoo officials decided to put up a ten-foot fence.
However, they were amazed to find the kangaroo was out again the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
So they put up a twenty-foot fence instead.
Again the next morning, they were amazed to find the kangaroo had still go out.
So they started to put up a forty foot high fence.
As the animals in the zoo watch this, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo replied, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night.”
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Look up “rib” in the dictionary and it says “To vex, irritate or annoy”.
Look up “rib” in the Bible and it says “Woman”.
Coincidence?
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An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
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To all the Millennials who feel stressed out sometimes, try not to worry.
Just think about the future, where things will be much worse.
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I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.
1. My credit card number.
2. My social security number.
3. Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate.
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Someone threw some butter, milk and cheese at me recently.
I thought “how dairy”.
Then, they threw some more mild cheese.
I thought “that’s not very mature”.
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Looking for some fun?
Come and explore Uranus!
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Did you hear about the investment banker who became a horse breeder?
He was always looking for the most stable returns.
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Mornings are all about pancakes and bacon.
Now, will you please wake up and make breakfast for me?
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What happens to elves when they are naughty?
Santa gives them the sack!
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What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
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Ole and Lena went fishing one day on a rented boat and were catching fish like crazy.
Lena said, “We better mark this spot so we can come back tomorrow and catch more fish.”
Ole then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large “X”.
Lena asked him what he was doing, and Ole told her he was marking the spot so they could come back to catch more fish.
Lena said, “You big dummy, how do you know we are going to get the same boat tomorrow?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Sue.”
“Sue, who?”
“Sue-prise! It’s April Fool!”
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
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