The crosseyed history teacher could not control her pupils.
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How do dolphins compute?
They use a Central Porpoising Unit.
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Two blondes are walking in the woods and come across a set of tracks.
One looks at them and says, “Wow, wolf tracks!”
The other looks down and scoffs, “Those are coyote tracks, not wolf tracks. Look at the size!”
“No, they are not!” says the first. “I’ve spent most of my life walking in these woods, and I know wolf tracks when I see them!”
They stand there arguing over the tracks for some time, and are eventually hit by a train.
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A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”
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There is rumor of a new “Amish Flu” out of Pennsylvania.
The symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little horse and buggy.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of vehicle?
Gas-guzzler.
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What did 49er Linebacker always have stuck in his teeth?
Quarterbacks.
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Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
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Mortal: “What is a million years like to you?”
God: “Like one second.”
Mortal: “What is a million pounds like to you?”
God: “Like one penny.”
Mortal: “Can I have a penny?”
God: “Just a second...”
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How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. She calls the emergency number and demands that a police officer come and do something about the intimidating blackness.
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What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
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When my mother died, all my father said was “cough, fatigue, fever”.
He’s a man of flu words.
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My friend had mushrooms during the party.
Now he’s a fun-gi.
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Why shouldn’t you iron a 4 leaf clover?
You don’t want to press your luck!
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Why do Stormtroopers only have iPhones?
Because they couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.
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What did the Rams fan do when his team won the Super Bowl?
He turned off his XBox.
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Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net.
Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.
As he embraced me, he sighed, “OK, let’s go over the rules of volleyball one last time.”
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You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers.
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What does the youngest flower child say?
“Last bud not least!”
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Yo daddy is so dumb the computer said “press any key to continue”, and he was looking for the any key BUTTON.
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