My girlfriend left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants.
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels.
😄 😄 😄
Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better.
😄 😄 😄
I tried to start an online bakery.
But I accidentally deleted all of my cookies.
😄 😄 😄
What did Mario say when he saw the Alpaca?
Don’t-a worry it’s a false-a llama!
😄 😄 😄
Good morning, workmate!
Being around you has inspired me... to quit as well as locate a new work!
😄 😄 😄
How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?
Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.
😄 😄 😄
I went to watch Spider-Man playing baseball.
He was great at catching flies.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mamma’s so fat I saw her using a Star Destroyer as an ironing board.
😄 😄 😄
Where does a kangaroo go that can’t hop?
Hopspital.
😄 😄 😄
My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”
Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.
😄 😄 😄
I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.
And this is why we need the Oxford comma.
😄 😄 😄
Three American Indians get lost in the forest.
Indian No.1: “What do we do?”
Indian No.2: “I don’t know, we’re Indian, we’re not supposed to get lost in the forest!”
Indian No.3: “We could do like the white man and fire three shots into the air.”
Indian No.2: “How does that help?”
Indian No.3: “Well, when the white man gets lost in the forest, he fires three shots into the air and then somebody comes and saves him.”
Indian No.2: “That sounds like a great idea!” points to Indian No.1 and says, “Go ahead and fire three shots in the air.”
Indian No.1 fires three shots into the air and they wait.
After an hour, nothing happens.
Indian No.1: “So, how long are we supposed to wait?”
Indian No.2: “I don’t know. I guess it depends on how close they are. Maybe we should try again?”
Indian No.3 (to Indian No.1): “Yeah, try firing three more shots in the air.”
Indian No.1: “I would, but I only have two arrows left.”
😄 😄 😄
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can make a robot bleed.
😄 😄 😄
Your ears are so big if I blew a hairdryer in your face you’d take off.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dog with 2 legs?
Snoop Dogg.
😄 😄 😄
If you are wondering about a peach’s favorite game.
It’s peach ball.
😄 😄 😄
The economy’s so bad the other day I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
😄 😄 😄
I made a blue smoothie today.
It was berry good.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man have shaky hands?
He has Peter Parkinsons.
😄 😄 😄
