Why did the blood-sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic.
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I was arguing with a construction worker. We were getting bogged down in cementics.
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Why did Dracula become a vegetarian?
Because his doctor said steaks were bad for his heart.
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Yo mama so fat she needs a CDL to drive her wheelchair.
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Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning.
Because I can’t get out of bed.
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A salad was arrested for public indecency.
I guess it should’ve gotten dressed before leafing.
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What does an owl need after taking a bath?
A t-owl.
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Why is nostalgia like grammar?
We find the present tense and the past perfect.
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Why do people say donuts are made by God?
Because they are hole-y.
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In honor of the eve of April Fools’ Day, just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.
Just treat it like it’s any other day.
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Having your own child is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.
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Man tries to open a bank account.
Teller asks him, “Your name?”
“J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.”
“Oh, you stutter?”
“No, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!”
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iPhone users, don’t bother sending the Meteor emoji to your Android friends.
It won’t have the same impact.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl good things come to those who wait.”
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I didn’t wear my glasses to the party because I wanted to make a spectacle of myself.
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What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
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My wife complained about my obsession with golf.
I asked her if it was driving a wedge between us.
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Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.
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A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.
He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”
“That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man.
“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”
“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”
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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
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