An Irishman walks into NASA and asks:
“Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon?”
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Your mama is so hot I gotta wear oven mitts to touch her.
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What do you call a dragon with no wings?
Draggin.
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I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.
My homework ate my dog.
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Working from home. Day 1:
This’ll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.
Day 8:
Engages in conversation with a lamp...
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Why are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them!
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I asked Uranus about its love life.
And it replied, “It’s complicated, I’m in a gas-tly relationship.”
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I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I’m paying for it.
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If bats could talk, what would they say about the coronavirus?
Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down!
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A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
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If a spider can bite you and make you a Spider-Man, can you bite me so I can be your man?
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What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses?
Tulips.
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How does the Easter Bunny feel after Easter?
Eggs-hausted.
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What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
“Wing, wing.”
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Here in Portugal we call bad jokes ‘dry jokes’. Do you want to see an example?
The desert.
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One eye told the other, “Between you and me, something smells.”
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You make me hap-pea.
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Why did the spaceship bring a snack to Uranus?
It wanted to have a gas-tro picnic.
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Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
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I said to my doctor, “I wake up thinking I’m a penguin, and by the end of the day I believe I’m an arctic fox.”
He told me I was bipolar.
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