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Today is 3 weeks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol andΒ vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout every day. Lost 14 lbs and gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is, but I’m proud of them, so I decided to copy and paste it!

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What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator.

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How do chickens wake up on time?

Alarm clucks!

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What does CPA stand for?

Can’t Pass Again.

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Getting dress for work is so stressful. Should I put on yoga pants or sweatpants?

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œCash.”

β€œCash, who?”

β€œCash me if you can!”

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Roses are red, violets are blue.

I thought Voldemort was ugly, then I saw you.

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Why was the cat afraid of the tree?

Because of it’s bark.

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Why did the employee get a camel in the office building?

Because the boss said, β€œBring in the hump day.”

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Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.

He comes upon a question:

What separates the head from the body?

Ahmed answers:

The axe.

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My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder.

But that’s impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

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What would you callΒ Israel if it disappeared away?

Wasreal.

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Why is the number 237 magical?

Because it is Hex ED.

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Went to a hot dog convention hoping to meet some women.

But it turned out to be a sausage fest.

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A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study, so his old man buys him a sports car to drive around.

A few days pass, and the father calls the son, β€œHow's it going, son? Are you having fun with your car?”

β€œNo, father. I am ashamed; everyone here gets around by train.”

β€œDon’t embarrass me, son. Buy yourself a train too.”

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Yo mama so stupid she put her phone in airplane mode and thought she could fly.

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What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?

β€œHey, pal, want to blue me away?”

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Why do cops that play basketball like donuts the most?

Because they love to dunk them.

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How did the data scientist get his girlfriend to become an attractive model?

By training her.

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How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I don’t know, it’s never happened.

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