Why did the Mallard fail as a comic?
His humor was too fowl.
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What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
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I what is a crackers weight measured in?
In grahams.
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My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
“Are we expecting guests?” I asked.
“No,” she replied.
“Then why did you buy so much bread?”
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April Fools’ Day is a great day to pull pranks.
Except on me, if you’re smart.
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What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut.
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Two retired British Army officers are speaking.
1st officer: “Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”
2nd officer: “I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”
1st officer: “I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village, and armed with my rifle we set out.
Several hours into the hunt and deep in a mangrove swamp, we stumbled upon fresh tracks.
It was not more than a few minutes of tracking the great beast when we heard it—a low, guttural sound from behind.
I quickly turned and as I readied my rifle, the tiger leaped from the shadows, teeth, and claws bared. Rrrraaaaaarrrrrr! I shat my pants.”
2nd officer: “Of course, you shat your pants, old chap. You were attacked by a Bengal Tiger!”
1st officer: “No, right now when I went ‘Rrrraaaaaarrrrr!’.”
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Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight?
They beat the stuffing outta each other.
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Two eggs went for a comedy gig, guess what one egg said to the another?
Let’s get cracking.
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Did you know that during childbirth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment
she almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu.
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I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.
Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.
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This young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting non-stop.
The girl can’t stand the smell and says, “Stop that! It’s disgusting!”
The guy says, “Don’t blame me, it’s the dog.”
“Don’t blame him,” says the girl. “He was cooked perfectly.”
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Yo mama’s breath is so bad that when she talks her nose hairs fall out.
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How many HR people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in, the other to investigate the lightbulb’s complaint it was touched inappropriately.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free range.
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How many general-relativity theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.
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How was your ear operation?
Thursday.
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No need to Apollo-gize, I know you didn’t moon what you said!
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Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer?
Because he had the drumsticks!
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When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
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