Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
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I almost cut off my beard today.
That was a close shave.
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What did one blue eye say to the other?
Between us, something smells.
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What did the barbecue say on Labor Day weekend?
Time to get fired up!
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What do you call two depressed bears?
Bipolar.
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Where does Goku keep his ice cream?
In the Freiza.
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December is the worst time of the year for someone who is...
Claus-trophobic!
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If trees produced Wi-Fi, we would be planting them everywhere.
Too bad they only produce oxygen.
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Yo mama’s so fat that Gardulla the Hutt had a boost in self-esteem after seeing her.
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When Chuck Norris was born, he spanked the doctor.
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What do you call a line of people gathered to roast Justin Bieber?
Bieberqueue.
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What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
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A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words, and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling”.
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
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I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it’s just not as big.
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Vegan: “People who sell meat are gross!”
Non-vegetarian: “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
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Me: “You know that foundation called ‘Autism Speaks’?”
My friend: “No, it screeches.”
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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
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A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.
After a while of, the doctor asks: “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m an archeologist,” she answers.
The doctor responds: “Then I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”
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Your sister is so ugly when she goes to the bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.
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Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss… and it looked away.
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