I learn a lot in meetings.
For instance, did you know that by bending a paper clip once, you can make a pretty cool ‘S’?
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An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed in the opposite direction.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”
Likewise, the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”
The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.”
The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”
So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.
He says to the Marine, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”
The Marine replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap, and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, “Your turn!”
The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine, and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
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The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
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I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said, “Wow, that’s cool!”
And he replied, “Sorry, ma’am, it can only warm.”
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I hate it when my blue jeans fade.
They’re not feeling so blue anymore.
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The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
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My wife suggested I start growing a beard, to which I was against initially against...
But now, I must say, it’s growing on me.
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Why were there only 18 letters in the alphabet?
Because E.T. flew off in a UFO, and the CIA chased after him!
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What were Stephen Hawking’s last words?
“Error 404. File not found.”
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I roasted a chicken for dinner tonight.
I told it that it was so ugly it could be a turkey and that it laid horrible eggs.
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A gamer dies and goes to hell.
After a week, the devil goes to God, “God! What crazy person have you sent me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, is running like crazy everywhere and yelling ‘Where is the exit to LEVEL 2?!’.”
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A group of ducks flew overhead in a V formation.
Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other?
It has more ducks.
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What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
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What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?
No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve used algebra in my life.
I’d have n dollars.
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The banker fell overboard from a friend’s sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”
“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”
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What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?
“…This is the way.”
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Why did the pineapple stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.
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Baby Yoda’s first word...
Probably came after his second word.
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In Pokémon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.
But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.
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