All the physicists meet up in heaven and decide to play a game of hide and seek.
They decide that Fermi will be the seeker, so he closes his eyes and begins counting to 100.
All the physicists scatter, except for Newton, who calmly reaches into his pocket, takes out some chalk, and draws a square one meter on a side.
Fermi finishes counting and turns around, seeing Newton standing in his chalk square he yells, “I found Newton. Newton is out!”
Newton protests, “No, I’m Newton in a meter square—I’m Pascal. Pascal is out!”
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Why is the sun not very heavy to carry?
Because it is really very light.
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Your momma’s so short she can bungee-jump off a curb!
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Why are cooks funny?
They can crack yolks.
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How is a dyslexic cow like a Buddhist monk?
Both say “ommmmmmmmm.”
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How do dogs make sandwiches?
With purebred.
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Did you hear about the American Indian who died from drinking too much tea?
He drowned in his own tepee.
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What did the nervous spider say to the audience?
“Forgive me, guys, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.”
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A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia.
The librarian says, “They’re right behind you!”
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“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
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What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
“Dear me, it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantity to impair my speech.”
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Why did the owl ’owl?
Because the woodpecker would peck ’er.
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What do you call someone who’s really into stationary biking?
A cyclepath.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Avery.”
“Avery, who?”
“Avery Merry Christmas to you!”
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What’s a hipster’s favorite type of surgery?
A hip replacement.
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A woman asks a waiter, “What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!”
The waiter says, “Shivering, madam.”
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
You look like a donkey, and smell like one too.
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I don’t put ketchup and mustard on my hot dog, I relish it.
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You can’t lose weight by talking about it.
You need to keep your mouth shut.
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I don’t hate leg day.
It’s the two days after I can’t stand.
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