Is your dad an alien because you’re out of this world?
😄 😄 😄
When the blueberry made a mistake, it had to blue-pologize.
😄 😄 😄
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
😄 😄 😄
Can you guess what the calendar worker got fired for?
He took a day off without telling anyone!
😄 😄 😄
On what day of the week, do monsters eat people?
Chewsday.
😄 😄 😄
What do aliens like to read?
Comet books!
😄 😄 😄
Dating is kind of like the opposite of coding.
You start with Java before getting comfortable with Python.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the marketing couple get married?
They weren’t on the same landing page.
😄 😄 😄
August 20, 2020:
Scientists have discovered a “mystery object” in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.
March 1, 2021 (Update):
Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.
😄 😄 😄
No one turns on their camera in Zoom.
They have been infected by Novid-19.
😄 😄 😄
One evening, as she was sitting by the window of her room in the convent, Sister Ruth opened the letter from home that her parents had sent to her.
Inside the letter, was a $100 bill, a generous gift from her parents.
Sister Ruth smiled at the gesture, pondering what to do with the money, since living in the convent she didn’t really need any.
As she read the letter, sitting by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote “Don’t despair. Sister Ruth”, on a piece of paper.
She then wrapped the $100 bill in it, managed to catch the man’s attention, and tossed the paper out of the window to him.
The stranger picked it up, then with a puzzled expression on his face and a tip of his hat, off he went down the street.
The next day, Sister Ruth was told that a man was at the door of the convent, and he insisted on seeing her.
She went downstairs, where she found the stranger waiting for her.
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
“What’s this?” she asked, puzzled and confused.
“That’s the $8,000 you have coming, Sister”, the man replied. “Don’t Despair won the race at 80:1 odds!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the hardest thing about skydiving?
The ground.
😄 😄 😄
It’s hotter than two ticks on a rabid dog.
😄 😄 😄
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence... The rest of the year went quite smoothly.
😄 😄 😄
Where should you visit after Sesame Street?
Thyme Square!
😄 😄 😄
What to do If you can’t afford healthcare in the US?
Go to the airport. They give free X-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they’ll throw in a free colonoscopy too!
😄 😄 😄
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“Tobias some nice cold ice cream, you need some money.”
😄 😄 😄
911 operator: “What’s your emergency?”
Kangaroo: “I can’t find my children.”
Kangaroo 911: “Did you check your pockets?”
Kangaroo: “Oh, never mind.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do blue whales need computers?
To go on their whale-net.
😄 😄 😄
