Every year on my birthday, I remember...
That I’m one year closer to being back in diapers.
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“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
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Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter?
When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends’ houses to show them the picture of your dinner?
No?
Me neither.
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If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:
right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.
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What did the nervous spider say to the audience?
“Forgive me, guys, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.”
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Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn’t use proper pun-ctuation.
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What is great in the US but awful in the UK?
Losing pounds.
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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.
The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”
The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.
The officer says, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”
The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.
The officer says, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”
Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”
The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.
He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.
With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.
Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.
Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically, and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”
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What are the official sea creatures of National Pi Day?
Octopi.
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An English teacher was getting late for school on Teachers’ Day.
Suddenly, a cop pulled him over and asked for papers.
He gladly gave him all of his students’ essays to grade and drove off.
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Did you hear about the plane prank?
The twin towers fell for it.
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What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?
A barberqueue!
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One day Little Johnny was digging a hole in his backyard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
“Hello Johnny, what are you up to?” he asked.
“My goldfish died and I’m gonna bury him,” Johnny replied.
“That’s a really big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbor.
“That’s because he’s inside your cat!”
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Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
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My wife has been mad at me lately because she says I need to get my priorities straight.
I told her we can talk about it after this episode of SpongeBob.
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Yo mama so fat when she died she broke the stairway to heaven.
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People treat me like a god.
They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.
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What do you call two depressed bears?
Bipolar.
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What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
The ambulance.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Toast.”
“Toast, who?”
“Toasting to a delicious breakfast!”
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