I finally was chosen to pick toppings for the hot dogs!
I relished the opportunity!
😄 😄 😄
An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
😄 😄 😄
An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed in the opposite direction.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”
Likewise, the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”
The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.”
The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”
So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.
He says to the Marine, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”
The Marine replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap, and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, “Your turn!”
The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine, and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
😄 😄 😄
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock... boom!
Good morning!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat that they covered her and used her as a death star.
😄 😄 😄
What does Dr. Frankenstein call the cemetery?
Human Resources.
😄 😄 😄
Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?
A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.
😄 😄 😄
Black Friday came earlier this year for me...
My TV was stolen.
😄 😄 😄
I’m not here to play mind games.
Except brain freeze.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s ears are so big she can hear what I’m thinking.
😄 😄 😄
A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit’s face and said, “I’ll bet you’re wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren’t you?”
And the recruit says, “No, sir! When I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in another line again!”
😄 😄 😄
What do Chelsea keepers and singer Michael Jackson both have in common?
Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Yah.”
“Yah, who?”
“Wow, you’re really excited about Christmas!”
😄 😄 😄
A farmer goes to the bank for a loan. He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully, he can get a good crop.
The banker apologizes and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the bank is simply unwilling to loan to anyone planning to plant peanuts. However, the banker says, the bank is willing to loan on other crops. The banker recommends sunflowers.
The farmer is devastated, but eventually agrees to give sunflowers a try. Anything to get the loan and get some seed in the ground, he says.
At harvest time, another farmer asks how the sunflowers worked out.
The farmer admits that they’ve done very well—so well that he expects to be able to pay back the bank, put money away for the winter and even, possibly, have money left over for next year’s peanuts!
😄 😄 😄
Alcoholics don’t run in my family.
But sometimes they fall down the stairs.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Oink oink.”
“Oink oink, who?”
“Make up your mind… Are you a pig or an owl?”
😄 😄 😄
Two Hippies are walking along a railroad track, stoned.
One Hippie says, “This is a really long staircase, man!”
The other Hippie says, “I don’t mind the stairs, man. It’s this low handrail thats killing me.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
Pineapple.
😄 😄 😄
What do you say when someone dies between February 19th and March 20th?
Rest in Pisces.
😄 😄 😄
It’s Black Friday, and people are lining up around the block at the local Best Buy.
The people in the line beat up a well-dressed man who comes to the front of the line. He attempts it again and is knocked down.
He then mutters, “If people will be like that, I’m not opening the store.”
😄 😄 😄
