What do you call an aboriginal in a lamp?
An abori-genie.
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What does a panda ghost eat?
Bam-BOO!
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Why are mushroom children so good?
They don’t want to get in truffle.
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What do you call a single kernel of corn?
A uni-corn.
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What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
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I played an April Fools’ joke on my parkour team this morning.
They all fell for it.
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What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad”
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How does Uranus apologize for being late?
It blames it on its orbit.
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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
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Your mama is so ugly she made One Direction go in another direction.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Noah.”
“Noah, who?”
“Noah better way to wish you a happy birthday!”
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Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?
He was always afraid he was following someone.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Possum.”
“Possum, who?”
“Possum gravy on my potatoes.”
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Apparently NASA are extremely tired of all of the jokes that are made about Uranus so they decided to rename it to Urectum.
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What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
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A male driver is pulled over by a cop.
Man: “What’s the problem, officer?”
Cop: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you were going 80.”
Cop: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”
Cop: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”
Man: “Shut your mouth, woman!”
Cop: “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?”
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”
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What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water?
Dolphout.
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Your mama so stupid she yelled into an envelope because she wanted to send a voicemail.
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Son: “Mom! Mom! The mean kids keep saying I have big ears!”
Mom: “Oh really? I’ll talk to them. Where are they?”
Son: “In the next town over!”
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Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.
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