I get so nervous during earthquakes.
That I start shaking uncontrollably.
😄 😄 😄
A man shoots another man five times but insists to law enforcement that it was an accident.
“How can you shoot someone five times by accident?” the officer asked.
“Well, I was aiming for the man beside him, but I have a lazy eye,” the man said.
😄 😄 😄
I hate being a depressed atheist.
Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.
😄 😄 😄
Millennial milestone:
I finally moved out of my parents and moved in with my girlfriend. Her parents were supportive, too. They even let us bring food upstairs.
😄 😄 😄
What do vegetarians say when they meet someone new?
Nice to vegetable you.
😄 😄 😄
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
“April Fool! I’m not really dead!”
😄 😄 😄
One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night.
It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon.
Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted by the noises of the deceased chickens.
We had a poultrygeist.
😄 😄 😄
I read a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
😄 😄 😄
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
😄 😄 😄
Doctor: “I’ve got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live.”
Patient: “What could be worse news than that?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to contact you for the last 6 days.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an otter who has yams in both of his ears?
It doesn’t matter, he can’t hear you.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so stupid when I said “Drinks are on the house” she got a ladder.
😄 😄 😄
Who is the best cricket player?
Batman.
😄 😄 😄
You know you’re 50 when you have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you can’t see over your belly.
😄 😄 😄
If today is really Pi Day, it would never end.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the mermaid couple so indecisive?
Because they both refused to wear the pants in the relationship.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make Uranus laugh?
Just give it some gas!
😄 😄 😄
What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?
Eat donuts.
😄 😄 😄
How is a colonoscopy like reading a book?
Once you reach the appendix, you’re done.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can fly, because gravity is too scared to make him obey her law.
😄 😄 😄
