You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe, who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say?
βPoetry!β
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The phone rang in the principalβs office.
Principal: βHello?β
Caller: βUmm, yes, hi, my son wonβt be coming to school today because heβs got the flu.β
Principal: βOK, and who may I ask is speaking?β
Caller: βUmm, my dad.β
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For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked because itβs the most accurate way of measuring my weight.
If thatβs true, I still donβt get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.
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Why do bananas use sunscreen?
So they donβt peel.
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What do you call a 50-year-old soldier guarding a building?
Half a sentry.
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
If I had a brick, Iβd throw it at you.
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If Uranus is disgusting, why on earth do NASA take so many photos of it?
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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, Iβm toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
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Why did the registeredΒ nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?
Because she didnβt want to wake up the sleeping pills.
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What is the definition of a farmer?
Someone is good in their field.
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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?
Because it was making him Moody.
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Guess what I am wearing tonight?
I guess nothing if you come over.
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Professionals who think they can work uninterruptedly 9 hours a day end up watching Netflix and drinking a full bottle of coke.
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The biggest kept secret is that Uranus is not a planet, you are actually sitting on it!
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What fish tastes best with peanut butter?
Jellyfish.
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Why was Uranus always mad?
Because it was the butt of everyoneβs jokes.
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One scoop of me, plus one scoop of you, equals a big bowl of cute.
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Whatβs a donutβs favorite lullaby?
βSprinkle, Sprinkle Little Starβ.
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A Manβs Logic
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.
The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.
She says, βWell I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and a part of me.β
The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.
The man replies, βOK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine?β
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Yo mama so stupid she put her phone in airplane mode and thought she could fly.
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