A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, “ALLLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear.
The same thing happens: the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it.” And yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me. It’s this bloody horse. What is he—deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf—he’s blind!!!”
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Why is Yoda such a good gardener?
Because he has green fingers.
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Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat whatever is bugging them.
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A telephone rang.
“Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”
“Yes, it is,” came the reply.
“Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.
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What do you call a group of union workers on Labor Day?
A day of rest-olution.
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What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
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What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
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Why was the glasses so expensive?
Because they were designer spectacles.
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Who sells the best sofas?
Sofa King.
Because they are sofa king good!
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Wow, you must have extremely strong shoulders...
To hold that absolute mega-size head up.
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My sinus infection is really getting into the Christmas Spirit.
It’s all coming out green and red.
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The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.
He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
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I wrote a novel about religious women.
The library put it in the nun fiction section.
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A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
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What’s the difference between Terrell Owens and a puppy?
The puppy eventually grows up and stops whining.
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Where is the flu most common?
In cities with high levels of congestion.
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Why does Spider-Man spin webs?
Because he doesn’t know how to knit.
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Why isn’t Santa allowed to shave his beard?
It’s in his Clause.
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TIL the inventor of Nachos was a notorious cheese thief.
His friends often remarked, “Hey, that’s not yo cheese.”
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