The party was a blue-ribbon event.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve got a meeting with the guy who invented the progress bar during the era of dial-up internet.
He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he’s stuck in traffic and he’s going to be here in 6 hours and 54 minutes.
Edit 2: He’s making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.
Edit 3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days.
😄 😄 😄
My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
I said, “Please don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.”
😄 😄 😄
Traffic policeman: “Didn’t you hear my whistle, madam?”
Woman driver: “Yes, but I don’t like flirting while I’m driving.”
😄 😄 😄
Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy, I break out in hives.
I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.
😄 😄 😄
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
😄 😄 😄
Hiroshima Nagasaki was nothing more than the result of Chuck Norris’ skydiving in Japan.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what the ship had to go to therapy for?
He was a nervous wreck!
😄 😄 😄
What was the almond tree up to all summer?
Nuttin’.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
😄 😄 😄
Where do vegetarian vampires live?
Plantsylvania.
😄 😄 😄
Pros of working from home:
· No pants
· Loud music.
Cons of working from home:
· You have to make your own coffee
· You talk to yourself too much.
😄 😄 😄
What prize do you get for putting your phone on vibrate?
The no bell prize.
😄 😄 😄
My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.
She used to say “You shall not pass!”
😄 😄 😄
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning.
She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”
😄 😄 😄
Public Service Announcement:
“If you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs”
😄 😄 😄
What room has no doors, walls, or floor?
A mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:
1. Heart disease
2. Chuck Norris
3. Cancer
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
😄 😄 😄
