Dating me is like owning a parrot that only says “I’m tired”.
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Make sure to always be careful when eating mushrooms.
If you eat the wrong one you could be in truffle.
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My dad always said there are two ways you know that you’re getting old.
The first is that you start to forget things. I can never remember the second one.
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When Uranus threw a party, everyone was over the moon!
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lettuce.”
“Lettuce, who?”
“Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.”
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Why did Harry Styles become a detective?
He’s just trying to solve the mystery of his own Styles.
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Yo momma is so fat you have to make two lightspeed jumps just to get on her good side.
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I was trying to solve a few equations about circles. Guess what?
It was pointless.
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A wealthy racehorse owner gets very attached to his champion horse.
It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties.
Sadly one day the champion dies and the owner decides to give it a proper burial.
He approaches the local Anglican minister who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls.
He then approaches the Catholic priest who tells him the same thing.
As a last resort, he asks a Rabbi who gives him the same sermon. As he is about to leave he says that he was going to donate $100,000 to the Synagogue.
“Hold on”, says the Rabbi, “you never told me it was a Jewish horse.”
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Want to hear a car joke?
BMW 2 Series.
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Why did the cat like eating lemons?
Because he was a sourpuss.
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A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.
The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock.
About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.
“What?! I dunno buddy, call the damn Coast Guard!” and he slams the phone down.
He goes to the living room and resumes reading the newspaper.
His wife looks over at him nervously and asks what the call was about, and the husband replies “Pfft, some moron calling to ask if the coast is clear.”
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Hello morning!
If my bedhead had a resume, it would list ‘master of morning chaos.’
May your day be as well-organized as my hair isn’t!
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Why don’t marketers make good chefs?
Because they’re too obsessed with serving ads rather than actual cooking.
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Why did the elephant hide behind the strawberry bush?
The elephant and the ant were playing hide and seek.
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What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?
Phil Ming.
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What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?
Stop touching my buns!
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Would evil alternate-universe Spider-Man be a bad parallel parker?
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Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?
Because they’re easy to push around and never stand up for themselves.
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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
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