When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn on the light.
He turns off the dark.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid Jar Jar questioned her existence!
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl be sure to use the bell next time!”
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend told me I care more about my programming job than about her.
I told her she is the #1 thing I care about.
😄 😄 😄
The president wants to know which of the enforcement agencies is the best at convicting criminals, so he sets a test for the CIA, FBI, and LAPD. He releases a rabbit into the forest and asks them to apprehend it.
The CIA goes in first, using drones to scan the trees, paying the other animals for information, and conducting experiments. After a few months, they find nothing, so they report back that there is no such thing as a rabbit.
The FBI goes in next, but after a few weeks the search is unsuccessful, so they raid the forest, burning it to the ground, including all the other animals and the rabbit. They report back, making no apologies, saying the rabbit deserved it.
The LAPD enters last, and after only a few hours a bruised and battered deer stumbles out of the forest shouting, “Alright, alright, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”
😄 😄 😄
I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.
They said, “No, just until the end of June.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?
Claude.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
😄 😄 😄
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it’s just not as big.
😄 😄 😄
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great-uncle fought for the west!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat that the Sarlaac Pit couldn’t eat her!
😄 😄 😄
In 1973, my dad left to get ice cream and never came back.
Mom says he’s probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so ugly her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.
😄 😄 😄
Diet day 1:
I removed all the fattening food from my house.
It was delicious.
😄 😄 😄
Three kids one day found a magical slide.
There was a sign next to it saying “whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down”.
One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.
The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”
😄 😄 😄
Why do people hate to shave off their beards?
They’re naturally attached to it.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a 200-year-old Buffalo?
A bison-tennial.
😄 😄 😄
What dessert do they serve in Super Mario?
Princess Peach Pie.
😄 😄 😄
What did Dr Martin Brenner take to freshen his breath?
Experi-mints!
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl aboard.”
😄 😄 😄
