Why did the astronaut bring a joke book to Uranus?
To break the space ice.
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Guess what the doctor just told me?
I need some sunshine so that’s why I got you to brighten my day.
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Why can’t astronauts eat popsicles?
In space, no one can hear the ice cream truck.
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What do you call an elevator filled with rational, intelligent people?
A lift.
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When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hot dogs and my favorite candy.
You can’t do that these days...
Too many damned security cameras.
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Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
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Retail job interview (2012).
“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”
“You mean after the global pandemic or before the war?”
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When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
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I own a furniture store.
My job is sofa king cool.
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I go to the gym religiously.
About twice a year, around holidays.
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My wife has been mad at me lately because she says I need to get my priorities straight.
I told her we can talk about it after this episode of SpongeBob.
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Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor.
The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor.
This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, “There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit.”
After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor’s son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.
Perplexed, he asked, “Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?”
“It’s very simple,” replied the tailor, “The other tailor has two sons.”
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I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
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Warning!
Birthday donuts will make your clothes shrink!
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Why did the feminist fail algebra?
She couldn’t solve inequalities.
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A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That’s a lot of heritage to inherit.
They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.
A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish.
After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi O’Lee.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Noah.”
“Noah, who?”
“Know a place I can hide from ghosts?!”
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I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take.
Don’t get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I known it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.
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What did the lettuce say to the ship?
ICEBERG!
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Chuck Norris speaks English, French, Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese.
At the same time in every sentence.
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