The human brain is amazing.
It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.
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Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?
He was sick of all its shii-take.
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The most annoying thing about working from home is awkward Skype calls with clients.
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Why did the mushroom break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was toxic!
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Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert.
I thought they’d be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...
That in-prison mint isn’t as bad as I expected!
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My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
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Why do women talk less in February?
Cause there are only 28 days.
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Where do electricians get their supplies?
The Ohm Depot.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Dee.”
“Dee, who?”
“Deer are cool, but reindeer are cooler!”
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Arthas and Ulther walk into a room.
Arthas notices a switch on the wall and asks Uther what it’s for.
Uther looks at him and replies, “FOR THE LIGHT!”
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Why didn’t the octopus fight the shark?
Because he was spineless.
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What do you call a gangster who wears eyeliner?
An emoji.
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I went to see a beet poet the other day.
There were lots of hip peas there.
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What room can no one enter?
A mushroom.
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Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There’s always yelling, crying, and plate-throwing.
Also, it’s hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.
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I love being a grandparent in retirement.
I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.
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I asked Uranus about its love life.
And it replied, “It’s complicated, I’m in a gas-tly relationship.”
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What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve?
The ice falls out of your drinks!
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What do aliens spread on their toast?
Space jam.
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85% of people in America don’t know basic math.
Thanks God I’m from the other 25%.
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