Crush: “Why should I trust you? All the guys I’ve been dating have been dogs.”
Me: “...”
Crush: “Well? Aren’t you going to say anything?”
Me: “... meow?”
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot and humid outside, the air ironed the wrinkles out of my shirt.
😄 😄 😄
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
😄 😄 😄
Why was Aunt May worried about Peter Parker?
He was spending too much time on the world wide web.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning in the ocean?
He was just too far out, man.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?
Swine flu.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Somebody too short to ring the doorbell!”
😄 😄 😄
I made a chicken salad this morning.
This stupid thing is he won’t eat it.
😄 😄 😄
Daisy: “Why do you have two different colored socks on? One’s blue, but the other is green.”
Little Johnny: “I’m not sure. It’s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.”
😄 😄 😄
A car salesman asked me, “What are you looking for in a car?”
I said, “It has to be affordable.”
He said, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve never heard of a Ford Ibble.”
😄 😄 😄
Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”
Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!
😄 😄 😄
I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”
He said, “Try the ATM outside.”
😄 😄 😄
Why are the cranberries red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
😄 😄 😄
Last, I declare you the weiner of the food contest.
😄 😄 😄
A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.
His mother says, “Merci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?”
The boy says, “No mommy, it’s nacho cheese.”
His mother says, “Are you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.”
“I know,” says the boy, “but when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, ‘Hey, that’s nacho cheese!’”
😄 😄 😄
What did the doctor ask the composer right before his colonoscopy?
“How many movements?”
😄 😄 😄
How do dolphins compute?
They use a Central Porpoising Unit.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the astronaut book a room on the Harvest Moon?
Because it was full!
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.
She’s in charge of the hops.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a male buffalo?
A buffellow.
😄 😄 😄
