Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas.
As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them, noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help.
When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or a can.
Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan.
He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck, and waved goodbye.
While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by.
He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, “Sisters, somehow I don’t think that’s going to work, but I sure do admire your faith.”
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What do you call it when you can’t stop looking at Pinterest on your phone?
Pin-diction.
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Before he goes to sleep, the boogey man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
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Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, it’s going to end in a mess.
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The artist was great.
He could always draw a crowd.
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What did a brick say to a wall?
“I’ve got your back!”
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Yo momma’s so hairy when she went to the movie theater to see Star Wars, everybody screamed and said “IT’S CHEWBACCA!”.
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A magician gets himself a parrot for his act.
After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows, saying things like “it’s under his hat”, “it’s up his sleeve”, “his assistant has it”.
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks.
The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end.
The parrot and the magician spend two days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, “Alright, I give up. Where’s the boat?”
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I just saw a burglar kick in his own door.
It looks like he was working from home.
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What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?
The space bar.
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Your mama’s so short that when she sneezes she hits her head on the floor.
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Henning Brand discovered phosphorous by boiling urine.
That’s why they call it P.
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A guy goes to see a doctor.
Guy: “Doc, I have a kingdom of ants inside my butt, and these be killing me, what can we do?”
Doc: “Get a watermelon, sit on it, once the ant king gets a taste, he’ll call his friends to join him out.”
And sure enough our guy does as instructed, after hours of watermelon sitting, the ant king comes out for a little taste.
The ant king: “BOYS, BRING IT IN!”
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I’m the life and soul of my workplace.
I work in a morgue.
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Yo momma is so dumb she makes Gungans look smart.
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Chuck Norris does not have near-death experiences.
Death has near Chuck Norris experiences.
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Your mama’s so short that she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.
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Why can you trust your friends more after turning 50?
Because you can’t even remember each other’s names, let alone your deepest secrets!
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I really want to start a donut shop.
But I don’t have enough dough.
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Yo mama so fat Naruto couldn’t make enough shadow clones to surround her.
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