When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.
He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.
In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.
Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.
As he lay dying, he cried out, “God, how could you do this to me?”
And a voice from the heavens responded, “To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn’t recognize you.”
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Hershey bars have dominated chocolate for over a century.
Is anyone else not offended we still don’t have a Himhe bar?
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What would you name Will if he was one of the Wheelers?
Third Wheeler.
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What do you call a polar bear on the South Pole and another Polar Bear On The North Pole?
Polar Opposites.
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Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
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It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
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The president wants to know which of the enforcement agencies is the best at convicting criminals, so he sets a test for the CIA, FBI, and LAPD. He releases a rabbit into the forest and asks them to apprehend it.
The CIA goes in first, using drones to scan the trees, paying the other animals for information, and conducting experiments. After a few months, they find nothing, so they report back that there is no such thing as a rabbit.
The FBI goes in next, but after a few weeks the search is unsuccessful, so they raid the forest, burning it to the ground, including all the other animals and the rabbit. They report back, making no apologies, saying the rabbit deserved it.
The LAPD enters last, and after only a few hours a bruised and battered deer stumbles out of the forest shouting, “Alright, alright, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”
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Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted, “YOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY!”
I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley.
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How can you tell a boy dragon from a girl dragon?
Fireballs.
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There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. It’s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.
With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.
His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, “No, they are for the funeral.”
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t Christmas trees knit?
Because they lose their needles.
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When my mother died, all my father said was “cough, fatigue, fever”.
He’s a man of flu words.
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What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?
An ambulance!
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
Your face is going to meet my shoe.
😄 😄 😄
How many autistics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. But it will take about two hours while they give you an excruciatingly detailed info dump about the history and technical details of various forms of electric lighting.
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Yo mom so stupid she starved an illithid.
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Why did the police officers arrest the blue crayon?
Because it was in the blue.
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Can February march?
No, but April may.
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Lava is the hipster of the geology community.
It knew how to rock before it was cool.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t polar bears eat penguins?
They can’t get the wrappers off them.
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