The worst thing about Friday the 13th is Monday the 16th.
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What is the longest word in the English language?
“Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
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Yo momma is so stupid when I said “Drinks are on the house” she got a ladder.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Wanda.”
“Wanda, who?”
“Wanda know what you’re getting for Christmas?”
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What does the sun drink out of?
Sun-glasses.
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What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?
By live stream.
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What do you call a skeleton who just had hip surgery?
Hip-ster!
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My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year, and he still can’t say the word “please”.
Which I think is poor for four.
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Old electricians never die, they just get discharged.
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A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
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An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips.
Which of them buys the crackers?
The elephant. Because the ape always buys the dip.
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It is so hot that potatoes cook underground.
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What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
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I recently played in a Star Wars themed cricket match.
Every time the ball was delivered the umpire struck back.
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Your mama so short people thought she was a Funko Pop.
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Are you an electrician?
Because you’re definitely lighting up my night!
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of
feminine product for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The salesgirl says confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some
feminine product for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.”
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Yo mama so old her first Christmas was The First Christmas.
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Did you hear about that dyslexic Japanese samurai?
He was so dishonored, that he committed Sudoku.
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I heard Pinterest is making a new feature for gardeners.
It’s called “Pin-terest”.
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