As your torturer, I’m making it my mission to wake you up really early every day.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?
You can’t take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!
😄 😄 😄
Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.
Cashier: “You must be single, right?”
Me: “Yes! How did you know?”
Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “Take a seat”.
Student: “Where do you want me to take it to?”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owls.”
“Owls, who?”
“Yes, the last time I checked, they do.”
😄 😄 😄
Two Roofers—Bob and Dan—were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.
Bob and Dan decided that, since it was early, they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.
It was nearing 5 PM, and they hadn’t seen hide nor hair of anyone.
So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.
Bob says, “It’s the only way down. I will go first.”
Bob jumped.
Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, “Hey Bob! How deep did you go?”
Bob yells back, “I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!”
Dan jumps... and sinks clear up to his neck in manure!
“I thought when you jumped, you went up to your ankles?” he shouts at his friend.
“I did...” explained Bob, “but I landed head first!”
😄 😄 😄
A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.”
A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.”
A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.
The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.”
The other guy says, “Things are great, the bartender helped me.”
Psychiatrist, “The bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?”
The other guy says, “He told me to saw the legs off my bed.”
😄 😄 😄
I have been working from home since March of last year.
I am an Uber driver.
😄 😄 😄
What does a cat have that no other animal has?
Kittens.
😄 😄 😄
My commute to work today was just awful!
Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.
😄 😄 😄
What do my ex-wife and the economy have in common?
Inflation over time.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the dolphin go to the dentist?
He had an appointment.
😄 😄 😄
Why were there bones on the moon?
Because the cow didn’t make it.
😄 😄 😄
What does Enya season her roast potatoes with?
Only Thyme.
😄 😄 😄
What is the name of a man who always knows where his wife is?
A widower.
😄 😄 😄
I tried tap dancing.
But I had to give it up as I kept falling into the sink.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut.
😄 😄 😄
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”
😄 😄 😄
Where does a beard styling enthusiast go for vacations?
Shave-illa.
😄 😄 😄
Being a vegetarian in Germany is so difficult.
It’s the wurst.
😄 😄 😄
