I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.
And this is why we need the Oxford comma.
😄 😄 😄
Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?
Because he was a German shepherd.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the elephant decide not to move?
Because he couldn’t lift his trunk.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale.
😄 😄 😄
A shark just ate my girlfriend during our fishing trip.
Will you be my new one?
😄 😄 😄
I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.
I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.
😄 😄 😄
Some people say rolling dice for stats in D&D is old-fashioned and outdated.
But I think it builds character.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue-colored fruit hide?
It was feeling blue.
😄 😄 😄
How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to change it, five to moan about it, and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out.
😄 😄 😄
During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background.
So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.
Turns out he was asking what’s behind me on our Zoom call.
😄 😄 😄
Our love is a fruit salad!
We are a great pear and I cherryish you.
😄 😄 😄
What dog can’t bark?
A hot dog.
😄 😄 😄
I don’t work well under pressure...
...or any other circumstance.
😄 😄 😄
What’s worse than having a big nose?
Having a big nose and tiny hands!
😄 😄 😄
A mathematician, and physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.
The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so he measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.
The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.
The engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber balls and finds its specifications.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between an architect and an engineer?
If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own.
If engineers built all the buildings, they’d be so ugly, we’d tear them all down.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a mathematician’s favorite part of Thanksgiving?
Pumpkin pi.
😄 😄 😄
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
😄 😄 😄
