Why is it that Uranus smells distinctly like farts?
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I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I’m paying for it.
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My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
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Two goats are eating garbage.
The first one finds a roll of film and eats it.
When he’s done, the second one asks, “How did you like the movie?”
The first one responds, “It was OK, but I liked the book better.”
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Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their boats?
So when they come back to port they can...
Scandinavian.
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My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year.
He said he’ll be wearing the same kilt as the groom.
I love the idea, but I’m really not sure how they’re both going to fit into it.
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As cold as a witch’s tit in a brass bra.
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Dating me is like being in a mental asylum.
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How do Death Eaters freshen their breath?
With Dementos.
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You can’t fit inside a tuna can.
But a tuna can.
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Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
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What did the dragon say to the bad employee?
You’re fired.
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A king had ten wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.
A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.
The minister said, “I served you loyally ten years, and you do this?”
The king was unrelenting.
Minister pleaded, “Please give me ten days before you throw me to the dogs.”
The king agreed.
In those ten days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next ten days. The guard was baffled, but he agreed.
So when the ten days were up, the king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.
When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister and licking his feet.
The king was baffled at what he saw.
“What happened to the dogs?!” He growled.
The minister then said, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service. Yet I served you for ten years, and you forgot all at the first mistake.”
The king realised his mistake and...
Replaced the dogs with crocodiles.
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What do you call a bug that hesitates before biting something?
A nervous tick.
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I’m an annoying on the outside, but I’m like an onion.
You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying.
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It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
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What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?
Existential dreads!
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The real space question that not even NASA can answer is why do we classify Uranus as a planet and not as a black hole?
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What is Loki’s least favorite day of the week?
Thor’s Day.
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What does Bob Marley say to his friends when they come around for donuts and coffee?
“I hope you like jam in too.”
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