I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.
I guess there is life on Mars after all.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man came all the way down here to tell me I dropped his phone number.
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What does a coder do when he’s tired of life?
He writes byebyeworld.c.
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Teacher: “Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.”
No one stands up.
Teacher: “Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb.” Waves her finger around the left side of the room.
Little Johnny stands up.
Teacher: “Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?”
Little Johnny: “No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.”
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Why did the alien go off in his ship?
He needed some space
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What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
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A magician gets himself a parrot for his act.
After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows, saying things like “it’s under his hat”, “it’s up his sleeve”, “his assistant has it”.
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks.
The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end.
The parrot and the magician spend two days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, “Alright, I give up. Where’s the boat?”
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The boss said I should go home because I really don’t look good.
I don’t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Mallard fail as a comic?
His humor was too fowl.
😄 😄 😄
What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
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I what is a crackers weight measured in?
In grahams.
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My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
“Are we expecting guests?” I asked.
“No,” she replied.
“Then why did you buy so much bread?”
😄 😄 😄
April Fools’ Day is a great day to pull pranks.
Except on me, if you’re smart.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut.
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Two retired British Army officers are speaking.
1st officer: “Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”
2nd officer: “I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”
1st officer: “I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village, and armed with my rifle we set out.
Several hours into the hunt and deep in a mangrove swamp, we stumbled upon fresh tracks.
It was not more than a few minutes of tracking the great beast when we heard it—a low, guttural sound from behind.
I quickly turned and as I readied my rifle, the tiger leaped from the shadows, teeth, and claws bared. Rrrraaaaaarrrrrr! I shat my pants.”
2nd officer: “Of course, you shat your pants, old chap. You were attacked by a Bengal Tiger!”
1st officer: “No, right now when I went ‘Rrrraaaaaarrrrr!’.”
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Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight?
They beat the stuffing outta each other.
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Two eggs went for a comedy gig, guess what one egg said to the another?
Let’s get cracking.
😄 😄 😄
Did you know that during childbirth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment
she almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu.
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I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.
Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.
😄 😄 😄
This young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting non-stop.
The girl can’t stand the smell and says, “Stop that! It’s disgusting!”
The guy says, “Don’t blame me, it’s the dog.”
“Don’t blame him,” says the girl. “He was cooked perfectly.”
😄 😄 😄
