What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a folk guitarist?
A rock guitarist can play all night without tuning, and folk guitarist can tune all night without playing.
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It’s so hot that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog.
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I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...
Other than jumping to conclusions.
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Yo momma’s nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!
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Yo mama so dumb she thought Call of Duty was a game about pooping.
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What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer.
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What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
Fangs-giving.
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I met a comedian who specializes in Uranus jokes.
Suffice to say, their humor was out of this world.
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When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you are eating a watermelon.
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It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, “Order!”
So I replied, “Fried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.”
Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.
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Wife says to her husband: “Choose, either me or the soccer game!”
He responds: “Give me 90 minutes to think.”
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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”
She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
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What did the underpaid data scientist say?
“I need arrays.”
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What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they’re already stuffed.
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A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.
The hot dog says, “I’ve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.”
The hamburger replies, “Please, beef frank.”
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Why do Polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can’t spell toboggan.
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Harry Potter needs 8 movies to seek and destroy Voldemort.
Chuck Norris needs 4 seconds.
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A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.
The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub “The George and Dragon” which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.
Entering the barroom, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather-padded booths, and a mahogany bar with brass rails, polished to a shine, they went up to the bar and asked for a room.
“Rooms cost £20 per night, we don’t accept euros, and you must be out by 7am tomorrow, or else you pay for both days.”
“Alright then, could I get something to eat, ma?”
“The kitchen closed at 6, and I am not going back there until 11am tomorrow, no matter what you say. Anything else?”
“Yes, could I please talk to George?”
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You’re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
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What did the drummer call his twin sons?
Tom.
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