Did you hear about the blue pencil who broke up with his girlfriend?
He decided to draw the line.
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Haven’t you heard? All good things come in small packages.
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What does a coder do when he’s tired of life?
He writes byebyeworld.c.
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Chuck Norris visited the sun and stayed for 2 nights.
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Little Johnny’s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees Little Johnny pulling faces at another child.
She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, “Johnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”
Little Johnny looks up to her and says, “Well miss, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.”
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I missed a question on my biology exam today.
The question was: What are commonly found in cells?
I guess “prisoners” wasn’t the right answer.
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My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married... I didn’t want him to.
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Why did the Spanish Inquisition yank out people’s molars?
Because they wanted the tooth, the whole truth, so help them God.
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Chuck Norris made the llama extinct.
Never spit in his face.
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My Mom said she’d been looking forward to Mother’s Day for ages.
I said, “Why? Your Mum’s dead.”
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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
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How do you make a Pinterest user laugh?
Show them a pin-teresting joke.
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What did the mom say when her kid dropped their hot dog?
It could always be wurst!
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What do you say to an angry baked sweet potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
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What’s an alien’s favorite chocolate bar?
A mars bar!
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What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
An ambulance, he’s clearly injured.
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A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him.
He stopped one of the runners and asked, “What’s happening?”
The runner replied breathlessly, “A lion has escaped from the zoo.”
“Oh my, which way is it heading?”
“Well, you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?”
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Why did the ant hidebehind the tree?
To trip the elephant.
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What do you call a fish who raps?
Swim Shady.
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I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?
Getting a scare-cut!
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