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Why did the fungi leave the party?

There wasnโ€™t mush-room for dancing.

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What motorbikes do ghosts prefer?

A boocati.

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My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.

Sheโ€™s in charge of the hops.

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Zoom meetings is a stupid name, and itโ€™s branded.

We should call it a bit more casual like โ€œcoworker video chatโ€ or something shorter, like โ€œco-vidโ€.

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Want to get an idea how important you are during a government shutdown?

IRS REFUND department: Non-essential

IRS Audit department: Essential

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The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter.

โ€œlolโ€.

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Your mama so short she went under Trumpโ€™s wall๏ปฟ.

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A man with a wooden eye is at a dance.

During a slow dance, he canโ€™t find a partner to dance with him.

He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose.

Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.

He approaches her and is frank with her, asking, โ€œWould you dance with me?โ€

Filled with excitement, she yells, โ€œWould I!โ€

Without missing a beat, the man retorts, โ€œBIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!โ€

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Weโ€™re feeling so blue.

We used to be the Blue Man Group.

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A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of drummers.

They called ground control with a list of demands. Then they told the negotiator if their demands arenโ€™t met they will release one drummer an hour.

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What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?

Eat donuts.

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Chuck Norris was in a knife fight.

The knife lost.

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You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe, who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say?

โ€œPoetry!โ€

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Teacher: โ€œJohn, show us where North America is.โ€

John: โ€œHere it is.โ€

Teacher: โ€œGood! Now, class, who discovered North America?โ€

Class: โ€œJohn!โ€

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My grandma is in her 90โ€™s and she still doesnโ€™t need glasses.

She just drinks straight out of the bottle.

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What does a doctor call a colonoscopy?

An ANALysis.

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One company owner asks another, โ€œTell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?โ€

Bill replies, โ€œEasy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.โ€

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A woman walks into the Social Workerโ€™s office, trailed by 15 kids.

โ€œWOW!โ€ the social worker exclaims, โ€œAre they ALL yours?โ€

โ€œYeah, theyโ€™re all mine,โ€ the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, โ€œSit down Terry.โ€ All the children rush to find seats.

โ€œWell,โ€ says the social worker, โ€œthen you must be here to sign up. Iโ€™ll need all your childrenโ€™s names.โ€

โ€œThis oneโ€™s my oldest โ€“ he is Terry.โ€

โ€œOK, and whoโ€™s next?โ€

โ€œWell, this one he is Terry, also.โ€

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

โ€œAll right,โ€ says the caseworker, โ€œIโ€™m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?โ€

Their Mother replied, โ€œWell, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell โ€œTerry!โ€, and when itโ€™s time for dinner, I just yell โ€œTerry!โ€, and they all come running.

And if I need to stop the kid whoโ€™s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. Itโ€™s the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.โ€

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, โ€œBut what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?โ€

โ€œI call them by their surnames.โ€

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I had a bison steak at a restaurant recently.

When I finished, I asked the waiter for the buffalo bill.

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Yo momma so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

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