Did you hear about the Pinterest user who tried to cook a recipe they found on the site?
Let’s just say they added a new pin to their recipe board “Order Takeout!”.
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Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?
It helps with division.
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My apologies for waking you up too early.
I thought you were dead!
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Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He’s over the moon!
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What is the name of Dr. Strange’s cousin who can’t do magic?
Doctor Normal.
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Three pregnant women are chatting in a café.
Heather says, “I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I’m pregnant with triplets!”
“I got mine done yesterday too,” says Linda. “I’m pregnant with septuplets!”
“I think I’ll get my ultrasound done next week,” says Martha.
The three women chat some more.
Finally, Heather says, “I got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was ‘The Three Little Pigs’.”
“I got Disney+ last month too,” says Linda. “The first movie I watched on it was ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’.” When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.
“It’s okay if you don’t have Disney+,” says Heather.
“I do have it,” says Martha. “It’s just that the first movie I watched on it was ‘101 Dalmatians’.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“A loan.”
“A loan, who?”
“I can’t wait to get you a loan.”
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My girlfriend left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants.
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels.
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What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
Hogs and kisses.
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When Chuck Norris was a kid, he entered a pool bombing competition.
This place now widely known as the Niagara Falls.
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Good morning, workmate!
Being around you has inspired me... to quit as well as locate a new work!
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Why do blueberries get along with everyone?
They’re naturally blue-tiful.
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Knick-knack paddywhack, guess what that old man gave his dog?
A bone.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Toast.”
“Toast, who?”
“Toasting to a delicious breakfast!”
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What do you call an elevator filled with rational, intelligent people?
A lift.
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A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.
The farmer says, “Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses.”
The policeman says, “Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse’s ass?”
The farmer says, “Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing.”
The policeman says, “Well, that’s a good thing, then.”
The farmer adds, “But it’s hard to fool those circle flies.”
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Why did all the planets give the most attention to the sun?
Because the sun is the center of the universe.
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I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today.
The box said “WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken”.
I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box...
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Dating me is like IKEA furniture.
Not well put together, slightly unstable but just aesthetic enough to show your friends.
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You’re so short you can swing your legs when you sit on a stool.
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