I’m an annoying on the outside, but I’m like an onion.
You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying.
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Workout in the morning before your brain figures out what you’re doing.
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Your mama so stupid she cut holes in her umbrella to see if it was raining.
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What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
“OK Boomer.”
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Why do retirees smile all the time?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
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Why did the blue paint laugh at the brown paint?
Because he was blue-tiful.
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What did the internal auditor do to liven up the office party?
He didn’t show up.
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A young boy knocked on my door on Halloween night and said, “Trick or treat?”
I looked at him and asked, “What have you come as?”
He said, “A werewolf.”
I said, “But you’re not wearing a costume. You’ve just got your normal clothes on.”
He said, “Yeah well, it’s not a full moon yet, is it?”
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You’re so short that you had to use a toothpick to compete in the javelin.
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What’s an Amish person’s favorite dried fruit?
A barn raisin’.
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Your mama so short she gotta use an elevator to go up each step.
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What does the light bulb say when it’s being unscrewed?
“I’m feeling delighted...”
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Did you know, some fleas spend their lives jumping for the moon?
Lunar-tics.
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To all the Millennials who feel stressed out sometimes, try not to worry.
Just think about the future, where things will be much worse.
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When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren’t paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, “Don’t you understand the gravity of this situation!”
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My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he’s had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood.
Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?
Axeing for a friend.
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The boss comes into work carrying a thermos.
His blonde secretary had never seen one before.
“What’s that thing?” she asks.
“Oh, this?” he says. “It’s just my thermos. It keeps my hot things hot and my cold things cold. Damn convenient.”
“Oh wow, that does sound convenient!” she exclaims. “I might have to get myself one of those!”
Sure enough, the next morning, when the boss comes in, he notices a brand new thermos on his secretary’s desk.
“Ah, I see you got yourself a thermos!” he says.
“Oh yes, sir, I decided I could use something to keep my hot things hot and my cold things cold,” she says radiantly.
“Neat-o. So, whatcha got in there?” asks the boss.
“Two popsicles and a cup of coffee.” says the secretary.
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Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?
It helps with division.
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Yo mama so fat Darth Vader couldn’t even force choke her.
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You are so ugly if they laid you on the beach, not even the tide would take you.
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