What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?
Hamsterdam.
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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, geez, I had to call the doctor.”
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Guess what? I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
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What happened to the guy who stole a pun?
He needed to be pun-ished.
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Dad: “My first son has a PhD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and journalism and my youngest son is a burglar.”
Friend: “Wow, a burglar? You should kick him out!”
Dad: “Nah… he is the only one who makes money.”
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You know, you’re being a little moon-dy, I hope it’s just a phase!
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I wanted to go bowling, but the pins were on strike.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Possum.”
“Possum, who?”
“Possum gravy on my potatoes.”
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When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat, he doesn’t get wet.
The water gets Chuck Norrised.
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Everyone always says that hot dogs suck.
I think German sausages are the wurst!
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Why are all these YouTubers asking me to like Cher?
Is it her birthday or something?
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A man went to the pet shop to buy a budgie.
“I would like a blue budgie please” he said to the assistant.
“I haven’t got a blue one,” the assistant replied. “I’ll sell you a green one and a tin of paint. You can paint it yourself.”
“OK,” said the man, “that’ll do.”
The next day, the man comes back. The budgie is dead.
“Look at this,” said the man. “It died while I was painting it.”
“That’s odd,” said the assistant, “I’m sure that paint was safe.”
The man replies, “I never got round to painting it. It died when I was burning the old paint off…”
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It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
Every time I flush the toilet, I think of you.
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”
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What do Vikings call English villages?
Chopping centers.
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Why do computer scientists get confused between Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
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What color are military submarines?
Deep navy.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone.
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Every year on my birthday, I remember...
That I’m one year closer to being back in diapers.
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