You have a message, wake up, lazybones!
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Yo mama’s so fat she crashed the Fortnite servers.
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Last year on Mother’s Day we had a big family get-together.
Afterwards my Mom starting getting ready to do the dishes.
Of course I couldn’t let her do that on her special day.
I said, “Leave the dishes, Mom. You can always do them tomorrow.”
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What is the common thing between an entrepreneur and a suicide bomber?
Do the job well on the first try and they are set for life.
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I’m very familiar with paranormal activity.
I keep getting ghosted.
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President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.
Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
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How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?
Juans upon a time.
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What is the name of a skinny Pakistani cow?
A moo-slim.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t use OFF!
Mosquitos instinctively know not to bite him.
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When the moon is being super grumpy, its parents turn to each other and say, “Gibbous strength!”
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How do you wish a mushroom a happy birthday?
Happy birthday to a real fungi!
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How can you tell a police horse from a normal horse?
The police horse goes “Neigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-naw”.
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What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
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A young child told his mother, “When I grow up I’m going to play the bass guitar.”
His mother responded, “Well, honey, you know you can’t do both.”
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As an MD, I gave my mother’s sister a flu shot.
Does that make me an auntie-vaxxer?
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I know everything there is to know about sushi.
You could say I’m an a-fish-onado.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
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What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
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Why was the blue mold fired from the cheese factory?
Because it was too blue.
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What is the only thing that can cure a sick donut?
An antidought!
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