I learn a lot in meetings.
For instance, did you know that by bending a paper clip once, you can make a pretty cool ‘S’?
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Rise and conquer, adventurer!
Today’s mission: navigate through the day without putting your shirt on inside-out.
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I’m going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour.
It will be called, Tailor Swift.
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I may be short, but short people can wear heels, ugly just can’t be fixed.
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What do trees do during September?
Turn over to a new leaf.
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Which is the clumsiest candy bar?
A Butterfinger!
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I’ve decided to stop going to my doctor now I’ve found out he’s into astrology.
I went to get the results of a scan and all he had to say was “I’ve consulted your chart and I can see Cancer is rising in Uranus”.
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A teacher told her first grade class, “A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!”
A little girl gasped, “How about the married ones?”
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Your mama so short she committed suicide by jumping off the curb.
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How is the solution to the toilet paper shortage the same as the solution to a crossword puzzle?
One square at a time.
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Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors.
It’s always the first to rose and shine.
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
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Why did all the tissue roll in the wall mart not enough for Spider-man?
Because Spider-man was more into flypaper kind of tissue roll.
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There’s a hair in my wine.
The grapes must have been fur-mented.
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How do you keep your jewelry from being stolen?
Leave it in a bass guitar case.
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My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend.
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
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I loved the sound a bird made this morning.
So I re-tweeted it.
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Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?
Like, I was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me “Hey! Watch It!”.
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Young actor: “Dad, guess what? I’ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who’s been married for 30 years.”
Father: “Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you’ll get a speaking part.”
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Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to see how long he slept!
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