How did the flu become so popular?
They promoted it using an influenza.
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I love your sweater.
I think it’s made out of spouse material.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ya.”
“Ya, who?”
“Aww, I love it when you’re this excited to see me!
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What do you call a guy who’s 19 years old forever?
Constantine.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
Mummies.
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Deep sleep prevents aging.
Especially when you are driving.
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Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin?
It had melonoma.
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Two married unicorns are lying in bed.
The husband unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says, “Big storm’s a brewin.”
The wife unicorn then replies, “Well, then I’m glad we didn’t go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah.”
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A grumpy man spent an evening with his friends at a comedy club and asked his doctor for a course on antibiotics. Guess what for?
He thought laughter was infectious.
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What’s the best way to organize a space party?
Planet early!
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What vegetable can tie your shoes?
String beans.
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It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
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My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
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What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A woolly jumper.
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Who’s beaver’s favorite pop singer?
Justin Beaver.
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What does Alexa like to eat for breakfast?
Siri-al.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Goat.”
“Goat, who?”
“Goat on a limb and open the door.”
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Why was the hip replacement patient always winning at poker?
Because they always had a couple of joints up their sleeve.
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What’s a poodle’s favorite kind of pizza?
Pupperoni.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve swallowed my money!”
Doctor: “Take this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.”
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