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You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe, who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say?

β€œPoetry!”

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The phone rang in the principal’s office.

Principal: β€œHello?”

Caller: β€œUmm, yes, hi, my son won’t be coming to school today because he’s got the flu.”

Principal: β€œOK, and who may I ask is speaking?”

Caller: β€œUmm, my dad.”

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For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked because it’s the most accurate way of measuring my weight.

If that’s true, I still don’t get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.

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Why do bananas use sunscreen?

So they don’t peel.

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What do you call a 50-year-old soldier guarding a building?

Half a sentry.

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Roses are red, violets are blue.

If I had a brick, I’d throw it at you.

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If Uranus is disgusting, why on earth do NASA take so many photos of it?

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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.

She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.

But my kids keep egging me on.

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Why did the registeredΒ nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?

Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

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What is the definition of a farmer?

Someone is good in their field.

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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?

Because it was making him Moody.

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Guess what I am wearing tonight?

I guess nothing if you come over.

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Professionals who think they can work uninterruptedly 9 hours a day end up watching Netflix and drinking a full bottle of coke.

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The biggest kept secret is that Uranus is not a planet, you are actually sitting on it!

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What fish tastes best with peanut butter?

Jellyfish.

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Why was Uranus always mad?

Because it was the butt of everyone’s jokes.

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One scoop of me, plus one scoop of you, equals a big bowl of cute.

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What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?

β€œSprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star”.

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A Man’s Logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.

She says, β€œWell I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and a part of me.”

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

The man replies, ’OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine?”

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Yo mama so stupid she put her phone in airplane mode and thought she could fly.

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