
I told my wife Iβd never leave her unless aliens came to take me.
It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.
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An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder.
The barman asks, βWhere did you get that?β
The seagull replies, βDown the tip, there are heaps of them there.β
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Iβve got a new job at the chess factory.
Iβm on knights next week.
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Whatβs something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?
A family member giving you the bird.
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I missed a question on my biology exam today.
The question was: What are commonly found in cells?
I guess βprisonersβ wasnβt the right answer.
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Yo momma is so fat she makes Jabba look like Calista Flockhart.
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How do you describe Neapolitan ice cream to someone?
Your two favorite flavors plus strawberry.
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I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.
1. My credit card number.
2. My social security number.
3. Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate.
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What did the Rams fan do when his team won the Super Bowl?
He turned off his XBox.
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I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love.
It never got published.
It was all in vein.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βInterrupting cow.β
βInterrup...β
βMoooooooo!β
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My wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.
I replied that I didnβt know he played cricket.
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What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects?
A con artist.
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Itβs hotter than a redheadβs getting a parking ticket.
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I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app on my phone.
It sent an ambulance to my house.
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I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but itβs just not as big.
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Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.
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Whatβs the first sign that you have caught bird flu?
Fowl symptoms.
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Your mama so dumb she watches βThe Three Stoogesβ and takes notes.
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April Foolsβ Day.
The day, every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
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