What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
“To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”
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Easter this year is April Fools’ Day.
Just remember that so you don’t fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
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What can a whole pizza do that a half pizza cannot do?
A whole one can look round.
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What is a NASA office worker’s favorite part of the workday?
Launchtime.
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My favorite planet is Uranus because it’s just so well-rounded.
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Two Hippies are walking along a railroad track, stoned.
One Hippie says, “This is a really long staircase, man!”
The other Hippie says, “I don’t mind the stairs, man. It’s this low handrail thats killing me.”
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What do you call an older woman who was born around late November and early December?
Saggytarius.
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Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
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I just found out that the UK doesn’t have a kidney bank.
But at least it has a Liverpool.
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Why does Spider-Man get so frustrated with the World Wide Web?
Because Google thinks his name is Spiderman, not Spider-Man!
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Friend: “Where were you?”
Me: “I got sick and had to rush to the doctor.”
Friend: “Flu?”
Me: “Nah, just drove really fast.”
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Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park.
It reminded me of my teenage days.
When I used to see other teenagers make out in the park.
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“Doctor,” a man told his psychiatrist, “my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”
“That’s nonsense,” said the psychiatrist. “I like sausages myself.”
“You do!” the man shrieked. “You should come and see my collection, I’ve got thousands!”
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A teenage boy asks a girl out to prom and she says yes.
So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there’s a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo.
Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there’s a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo.
On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes go by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building!
So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, “Hey can you get us some punch?”
So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what?
There’s no punch-line.
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At the marketplace, a seller advertises “1 lettuce for $3, 3 lettuces for $10”.
A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller.
Customer: “That’s not right!”
Seller: “What do you mean?”
Customer: “Well, that’s not an offer—3 lettuces cost $9.”
Seller: “No, sir, it says here that 3 lettuces cost $10.”
Customer: “I know, but if I buy 1 lettuce, how much do I pay?”
Seller: “$3.”
Customer: “And if I buy 2?”
Seller: “$6.”
Customer: “Yes, because 3+3=6, now what about 3+3+3?”
Seller: “That makes 9.”
Customer: “So, 3 lettuces cost $9.”
Seller: “No sir, they cost $10, it’s written just over there, on that board.”
The client can’t fathom such a stubbornness in another human being and proceeds to prove his point to the seller.
Customer: “Here, let me buy a lettuce.”
Seller: “That will be $3, sir.”
Customer: “Now, I’d like one more lettuce.”
Seller: “That will be $3 again, sir.”
Customer: “Finally, let me buy one last lettuce.”
Seller: “That will also be $3, sir.”
Customer: “How much did I pay you those 3 lettuces?”
Seller: “$3+$3+$3, your paid $9.”
Customer: “See? 3 lettuces are worth $9, not $10, you won’t sell many lettuces if you do it this way.”
Seller: “Yes sir, I almost sold all my stock to people like you wanting to prove they’re smarter than me by buying 3 lettuces they don’t need, just to make sure they are superior. My technique works! Besides, I can overprice those lettuces to $3 and no one bats an eye!”
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Why is a German stone intelligent?
Because it’s not just a stone, it’s ein Stein.
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What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
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An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.
The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said, “I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up, so I can look death straight in the eyes!”
The executioner accepted this request, placed the man in the guillotine and pulled the lever... but nothing happened! The blade did not drop! It was declared an act of God and proof of his innocence, and he was released.
The chef is brought to the guillotine and requests to be beheaded face up as well. And again, when the executioner pulled the lever, the blade remained motionless! The chef was released and joined his master.
Finally, the engineer is brought to the executioner. He, too, requests to lie supine.
As the executioner is about to pull the lever, the engineer exclaims, “OH! I see your problem!”
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Your mama so hot her hugs give third-degree burns.
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Why did the computer go to a cyber café?
Because it needed a byte to eat.
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