It’s hotter than a handful of hells out here!
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Guess what horses, donkeys, cows, goats, and sheep all have in common?
They’re all very stable animals.
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Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table. One more asked to join.
One of them said, “Sorry there is not mush-room.”
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What did the planets drink when they wanted to bulk up?
Milky Whey.
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What is a cactus’s favorite Minions movie?
Des-prick-able Me.
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You are so dumb you returned a puzzle because it was broken.
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What did the dad say to his son when he became afraid of the full moon?
“Don’t worry! It’s just a phase it’s going through!”
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Husband: “I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.”
Friend: “Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!”
Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”
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I was cycling to work when a snow plow suddenly overtook me at high speed, spreading salt which hit my face.
“BASTARD!” I shouted, through gritted teeth.
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What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. It’s good for business.
😄 😄 😄
Me: “Happy National Pi Day!”
Her: “Aren’t you a few days late lol?”
Me: “Sorry, I was being irrational.”
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Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There’s always yelling, crying, and plate-throwing.
Also, it’s hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
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What do you call a red-haired baker?
The ginger bread man.
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A cookie a day keeps the sadness away.
An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
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My pet turtle died.
I’m not upset—just shell-shocked.
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Yo momma is so dumb she makes Gungans look smart.
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Is your dad an alien because you’re out of this world?
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I was just on a Zoom call that ended automatically after 40 minutes because the organizer was on a free tier.
This is the single greatest advance to meeting productivity that I’ve ever seen.
Would pay extra for this feature!
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You’re so scary that even your hairline ran a way.
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