What did one broken ankle say to the other?
“Let’s stay positive and get back on our feet!”
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You can’t lose weight by talking about it.
You need to keep your mouth shut.
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“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
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It’s hotter than a door knob in a barn blaze out here.
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The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads “Please use toilet brush after using the toilet”.
Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?
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Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.
One falcon turns to the other and says, “Man, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.”
The second falcon turns back and says, “You’d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.”
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I’ve been listening to Harry Styles’ new music recently and I must say...
He has gotten a lot better ever since he went in the other direction.
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What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
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A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.
He went to a shop and found a nice-looking VR set.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, “What happens if this doesn’t work?”
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, ‘GUARANTEE NO SPOILED’.
Feeling assured, he paid for the VR set and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the VR set after returning to the hotel, but it wouldn’t even switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.
When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, “Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.”
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What do you call a flu that became a musician?
Achoo-bacca.
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How many non-vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer to stay in the dark.
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What do you call a rapper wearing a wig?
2pée.
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Yo mama’s so flatulent that she forced the Mustafarians to wear masks!
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To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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Many were curious about how methane ended up on Mars.
I’m pretty sure it was because of Uranus.
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A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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I’m such a perfectionist that I can’t even fail an autism test.
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If you’re looking for Spider-Man, you can always find him on the web.
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Why are Chevys equipped with magnetized bumpers?
To pick up the parts that fall off other Chevys.
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Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon.
But they wouldn’t let us land because the moon was full.
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