What is green, white, and red all over?
An elf with a sunburn.
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Yo mama so tall she uses the Empire State Building as a toothpick.
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How do crabs get around on land?
They use the sidewalk.
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Akpos’s wife was busy singing in the bedroom.
Akpos: “You know, my dear, when you sing like that, I just wish you were on a radio.
Wife: “Wow, honey. Am I that good?”
Akpos: “No, at least on a radio I can change the station.”
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I guess I must be a nine out of ten...
Cause you’re the one I need!
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I visited a real graveyard yesterday...
I logged back into Myspace.
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My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She’s at the ER now. Her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Elf.”
“Elf, who?”
“Elf me wrap this present!”
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A biker is riding a new motorbike on the highway.
While passing a car, he knocks on the window.
The driver of the car opens the window, “Yes?”
“Ever driven a Honda motorbike?”
“No, I haven’t.”
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window.
The driver of the car opens the window, “Yes?”
“Ever driven a Honda motorbike?”
“No, I haven’t.”
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch.
A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.
Covered in blood, the biker asks, “Ever driven a Honda motorbike?”
“Yes, I have. I had a Honda for 20 years.”
The biker says, “Tell me, where are the brakes?”
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Why is Auburn always in the dark?
Because they’re afraid of Alabama Power.
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What’s the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?
The Man U bus has more pricks.
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What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?
“Are you feeling ill?”
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I like working from home.
It’s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
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My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, “My door is always open!”
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My tight-fisted neighbor doesn’t want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he’s going to try and do it himself.
“How hard can it be?” he said.
I think he’s in for a shock.
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What do you call a dumb carnivore?
A meathead.
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You must secretly be a nuclear technician because you’re both radiant and glowing!
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What happened to the fungi who moved into a New York apartment?
He didn’t have mush-room.
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Why is chess just like real life?
The king can only take a step at a time and the queen can do as she pleases.
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Why are two blonde girls fighting on a motorcycle?
They are fighting because they both want to sit next to the window.
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