I saw a subliminal advertising executive...
But only for a second.
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What does a person obsessed with IKEA suffer from?
Stock-home Syndrome.
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I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining.
He just couldn’t find a role he could sink his teeth into.
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My girlfriend asked me if hot dogs were good for her diet.
I replied, “They’re not the wurst.”
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New to the country, and not knowing a word of English, Con the Greek got a job at a fruit stand.
The manager told him, “Look, there are only 3 phrases you need to know:
If they say how much are the mangoes, you say “$5 a kilo”.
If they ask if they’re ripe, you say “Some are, some aren’t”.
If they say they don’t want to buy, you shrug and say “If you don’t, someone else will”.”
After many attempts using hand gestures, he is satisfied that Con gets it. So he leaves Con alone to see how he goes on his first day.
The first customer comes in and asks how much the mangoes are.
He says, “Five-a dolla per-a kilo.”
The guy asks if they are ripe.
He says, “Summa dey are, Summa dey aren’t.”
He says maybe next time.
So Con shrugs and tells him, as instructed, “If you-a don’t, summabody else will.”
The guy shakes his head and leaves.
Later, another customer comes in.
He asks Con for the time.
Con replies, “Five-a dolla per-a kilo.”
The guy looks very confused, stares at Con for a few seconds, and then asks him, “Is your whole family crazy like you are?”
Con shakes his head and replies, “Summa dey are, Summa dey aren’t.”
The guy is getting pretty angry by now, thinking Con is playing with him.
The guy says, “So, do you want me to punch you in the face right now?!”
Con shrugs again and says, “If you-a don’t, summabody else will.”
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Where did the Pilgrims stand after landing on Plymouth Rock?
On their feet.
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When does a farmer dance?
When he drops the beet.
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What is the difference between a Chelsea fan and a Battery?
A battery has a positive side.
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If you’re working on a desktop or laptop, make sure to put on a mask.
You wouldn’t want to catch one of those computer viruses.
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What did the fungi say when he was offered seconds at dinner?
“No thanks. I don’t have mush-room left in my stomach.”
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Why did Pluto have to go to the dentist?
Because he spotted some black holes.
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Why do T-Rexes have such bad anger issues?
Because their fathers never hugged them.
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How many paladins does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to hold the ladder and the other to uphold the light.
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It’s so hot that Satan went back to hell to cool down.
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The rose had to inform his mom about a mishap.
He said, “I hate to be the bearer of bud news.”
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Rise and conquer, adventurer!
Today’s mission: navigate through the day without putting your shirt on inside-out.
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How many Puerto Ricans does it take to change a lightbulb.
Just Juan.
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I started a dating site for older people.
OK Boomer.
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What’s a blue shoe?
A shoe with the blues.
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Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, “Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?”
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