What dinosaur would Harry Potter be?
The Dinosorcerer.
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What do you call a female horse that refuses to work while the sun is up?
A Nightmare!
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What’s an Amish person’s favorite dried fruit?
A barn raisin’.
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A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: “Yoooo, I ordered a pizza, and it came with no toppings on it or anything, it’s just bread!”
Domino’s: “We’re sorry to hear about this.”
Customer (minutes later): “Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down...”
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At St. Peter’s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go picka her up.”
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What is the result of an art competition?
A draw.
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How does a man from Alabama hold up his pants?
With a bible belt.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cumin.”
“Cumin, who?”
“Can I cumin? It’s cold out here!”
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Yo mama is so ugly that most Snapchat filters make her better looking.
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What did the little boy take his bicycle to bed with him?
Because he didn’t want to walk in his sleep.
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I met a witch at the restaurant the other day, guess what she ordered?
Spook-eti.
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Yo mama so fat when I saw her on Tinder, swiped left and she was still on the screen.
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A blind man walks into a bar...
And a wall, and a tree, and a cactus.
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Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise.
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Yo mama so tall when she did a backflip she digs God in the face.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Sue.”
“Sue, who?”
“Sue-prise! It’s April Fool!”
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What did the people call the bad hot dog stand?
The WURST!
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It’s so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
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Good morning!
Today is a good day to have a good day, especially if you've had your coffee.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Who.”
“Who, who?”
“I didn’t know that you are an owl!”
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