What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
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What did the space alien tell Franz Schubert?
“Take me to your Lieder!”
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Batman goes to a party. To his surprise, he sees that the Joker is there too.
“He must be up to something,” he thinks. And so he sneaks up behind him, knocks him out, and puts him in a back room.
When walks out, he sees the Joker again.
“How did he recover so quickly?” Once again he knocks him out and puts him in the back room.
Coming out a third time, he sees the Joker yet again.
“How can this be?!” Now furious, Batman confronts him, grabs him by his vest, and shouts, “What are you doing here, Joker?!”
And he replies, “I’m enjoying this Halloween party, dude!”
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My poor dog doesn’t have a big nose.
That makes him smell terrible.
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Children are like farts.
Your own are just about bearable, but everyone else’s are horrendous.
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What’s the difference between science and religion?
Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.
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A colonoscopy doctor walks into the bank.
He says to the banker, “I’d like to deposit a check.”
The banker says, “Sure but I’m going to need you to sign here.”
The doctor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer.
He then says, “Dammit, some asshole took my pen!”
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the pegleg?”
The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman.
“What about your hook?”
“Well,” replied the pirate, “we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman.
“How did you get the eye patch?”
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook...”
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Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
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The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”
And the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
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I’ve been cycling to work for a whole month now...
You would have thought I would be there by now.
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What do you call it when you tell a joke on top of a mountain?
Peak comedy.
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What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?
A rookie.
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Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
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Why is Apple offering a free case for all iPhone 6 buyers?
It doesn’t help with reception, but protects the iPhone when you throw it against the wall after dropping another call.
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What do you get if a frog eats a mushroom?
A toadstool.
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When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?
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Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?
Inflation.
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Why did the blue paint cross the road?
To get to the other hue.
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Teenager (noun) – someone who is well-prepared for a zombie apocalypse, but not ready for tomorrow’s math test.
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