Why did the fungi leave the party?
There wasnโt mush-room for dancing.
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What motorbikes do ghosts prefer?
A boocati.
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My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.
Sheโs in charge of the hops.
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Zoom meetings is a stupid name, and itโs branded.
We should call it a bit more casual like โcoworker video chatโ or something shorter, like โco-vidโ.
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Want to get an idea how important you are during a government shutdown?
IRS REFUND department: Non-essential
IRS Audit department: Essential
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The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter.
โlolโ.
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Your mama so short she went under Trumpโs wall๏ปฟ.
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A man with a wooden eye is at a dance.
During a slow dance, he canโt find a partner to dance with him.
He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose.
Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking, โWould you dance with me?โ
Filled with excitement, she yells, โWould I!โ
Without missing a beat, the man retorts, โBIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!โ
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Weโre feeling so blue.
We used to be the Blue Man Group.
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A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of drummers.
They called ground control with a list of demands. Then they told the negotiator if their demands arenโt met they will release one drummer an hour.
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What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?
Eat donuts.
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Chuck Norris was in a knife fight.
The knife lost.
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You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe, who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say?
โPoetry!โ
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Teacher: โJohn, show us where North America is.โ
John: โHere it is.โ
Teacher: โGood! Now, class, who discovered North America?โ
Class: โJohn!โ
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My grandma is in her 90โs and she still doesnโt need glasses.
She just drinks straight out of the bottle.
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What does a doctor call a colonoscopy?
An ANALysis.
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One company owner asks another, โTell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?โ
Bill replies, โEasy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.โ
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A woman walks into the Social Workerโs office, trailed by 15 kids.
โWOW!โ the social worker exclaims, โAre they ALL yours?โ
โYeah, theyโre all mine,โ the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, โSit down Terry.โ All the children rush to find seats.
โWell,โ says the social worker, โthen you must be here to sign up. Iโll need all your childrenโs names.โ
โThis oneโs my oldest โ he is Terry.โ
โOK, and whoโs next?โ
โWell, this one he is Terry, also.โ
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
โAll right,โ says the caseworker, โIโm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?โ
Their Mother replied, โWell, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell โTerry!โ, and when itโs time for dinner, I just yell โTerry!โ, and they all come running.
And if I need to stop the kid whoโs running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. Itโs the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.โ
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, โBut what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?โ
โI call them by their surnames.โ
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I had a bison steak at a restaurant recently.
When I finished, I asked the waiter for the buffalo bill.
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Yo momma so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
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