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Why did the cool roofer stop hanging out with his friends?

He realized they were squares.

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I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Year’s resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.

My feet have never looked better.

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What did the squirrel say on Labor Day weekend?

β€œTime to get nutty!”

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Kung Fu student asks his teacher, β€œMaster, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, β€œMy dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”

β€œYes, my master, I have.”

β€œAnd a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”

β€œYes, my master, I have witnessed it.”

And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”

β€œYes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”

β€œThat is the problem. You keep watching all this poop instead of training!”

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Why are hockey players like goldfish?

You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.

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What code does a depressed programmer write?

β€œGoodbye, world!”

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How does a quarter moon always feel?

Crestfallen.

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Why are flamingo’s legs so long?

Because if they weren’t then they couldn’t reach the ground.

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

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My brother is in the ER right now because of a bee sting that swelled his head.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with a shovel.

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Good morning! Open your mouth wide!

I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!

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Yo mama so dumb she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

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What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?

The letter G.

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My tight-fisted neighbor doesn’t want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he’s going to try and do it himself.

β€œHow hard can it be?” he said.

I think he’s in for a shock.

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Seize the day. Or sneeze the day.

Regardless, bless you!

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Bird flu.

Bird landed.

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You’re so short that when you get angry at people for making fun of you, all you can do is bite their ankles.

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When asked to write an essay on what he was thankful for on Thanksgiving, Little Johnny wrote:

I am thankful I am not a turkey.

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I went on a date with Spider-Man, but he was super clingy.

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What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?Β 

Automobile.

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