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How do you know it’s time to retire?

It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!

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The teacher told all students to write an essay on a cricket match.

All were busy writing, except Santa.

He wrote:Β Due To Rain, No Match.

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What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?

A blood moon!

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Why did the student eat his homework?

Because he didn’t have a dog.

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Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.

β€œSee that over there? What is that?” says the first crow.

The second crows takes a long look, β€œThat’s a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn’t it.”

β€œHow can you tell it’s a scarecrow and not a person?” replies the first crow.

β€œLook at it’s hand. No cellphone,” says the second crow.

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What are the official sea creatures of National Pi Day?

Octopi.

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My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.

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I had an interview for a party supplies store where I had to inflate a balloon as a test.

I blew it.

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Husband says to his wife.

Husband: β€œI’m going down to the pub, get your coat on.

Wife: β€œOoh, am I coming?”

Husband: β€œNo, I’m turning the heating off.”

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What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays?

Retired!

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What do snowmenΒ eat for breakfast?

Frosted Flakes.

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I can’t stop my mushroom from leaning.

I think I need some morel support.

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I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...

I’ve been banned for life from that shop.

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I won a wet T-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia!

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Why did the spaceship bring a snack to Uranus?

It wanted to have a gas-tro picnic.

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Why are cooks funny?

They can crack yolks.

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Everyone keeps wishing a happy Father’s Day to β€œThe best dad in the world”.

I’m flattered. But I hope everyone wishes their own dad a happy Father’s Day as well.

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Student: β€œTeacher, is it true that if you get married on Friday the 13th, you will be unhappy?β€œ

Teacher: β€œOf course. Why should that day be an exception?”

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Once there was a bartender who claimed he was the strongest man on earth, he could squeeze every drop of juice out of a lemon and he bet $10,000 that no one could squeeze anymore out of a lemon he has squeezed.

People came in from all over the country: bodybuilders, weightlifters, wrestlers, or anyone who wanted to try. But no one could squeeze anymore juice out of the lemons.

Then one day a little nerdy looking guy walks in and everyone laughs at him when they hear he is there to try to squeeze a lemon.

So the bartender squeezes a lemon into a cup and hands him what is left over.

Then the guy squeezes out 6 more drops of juice, and everyone is amazed!

β€œWhat do you do for a living?” they would ask, β€œAre you a weight lifter, a bodybuilder?”

β€œNo,” he replied, β€œI work for the IRS.”

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While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm.

I decided to cyclone.

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