In Jamaica, how do you know if a mango is ripe?
Pokémon GO!
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What do you have left over after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
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You must be frozen yogurt, because I want to spoon you.
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Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
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What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?
Claude.
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Quarantine has been hard. I’ve run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves.
It’s only going to get worse, though... this is just the tip of the iceberg.
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Once, there was a man who came from Spain to America.
He couldn’t speak English, so he went to a choir and learned how to say, “Me me me me me me.”
Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say, “He stole my dolly.”
On his way home, he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say, “Big butcher knife, big butcher knife.”
Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say, “Plug it in, plug it in.”
Later, he went to the store, and there was a murder.
The police said, “Who killed this man?”
The foreigner said, “Me me me me me me.”
The police said, “Why did you kill him?”
The man said, “He stole my dolly.”
The policeman said, “What did you kill him with?”
The man said, “Big butcher knife, big butcher knife.”
Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death.
The policeman said, “Any last words?”
The foreigner said, “Plug it in, plug it in.”
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Whenever my wife asks me to clean the kitchen, I show her funny videos until she forgets she asked.
But now she says she’s had enough of my delaying TikToks.
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A new study shows that dolphins are second in intelligence to man.
I guess that puts women in third.
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It’s hotter than a dog looking at a fire hydrant.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“August.”
“August, who?”
“A gust of wind knocked me over!”
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I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator.
Right then I realized everyone was raised differently.
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We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth.
That’s right. I’ve been asked to give him the drinks bill.
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Two Hippies are walking along a railroad track, stoned.
One Hippie says, “This is a really long staircase, man!”
The other Hippie says, “I don’t mind the stairs, man. It’s this low handrail thats killing me.”
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You know you’re getting old when a lady wants you to pay for her implants.
She means dental implants.
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A colonoscopy doctor walks into the bank.
He says to the banker, “I’d like to deposit a check.”
The banker says, “Sure but I’m going to need you to sign here.”
The doctor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer.
He then says, “Dammit, some asshole took my pen!”
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What do you call a man who falls overboard and can’t swim?
Bob.
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Why does Batman hate April Fools’ Day?
Because the Joker might be out!
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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
To find Pluto.
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What drink does the Joker hate?
Societea.
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