A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree.
He is watched by a sparrow who can’t help laughing and eventually says, “Don’t you know there aren’t any apples on the tree yet?”
“Yes,” said the snail, “but there will be by the time I get up there.”
😄 😄 😄
I saw a falcon eating avocado toast.
Guess it’s a millennial falcon.
😄 😄 😄
If you’re working on a desktop or laptop, make sure to put on a mask.
You wouldn’t want to catch one of those computer viruses.
😄 😄 😄
My father was stupid.
He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
😄 😄 😄
Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two hunters objected strongly, stating, “Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.
Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, “Any idea where we are?”
He replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
😄 😄 😄
What do a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday?
One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.
😄 😄 😄
Even though SpongeBob is the main character...
Patrick is the star.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Bean.”
“Bean, who?”
“Bean awhile since I’ve seen you!”
😄 😄 😄
A new study shows that dolphins are second in intelligence to man.
I guess that puts women in third.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an alien that lives in a bog?
A marsh-in!
😄 😄 😄
Let’s go to Dunkin!
We need more hole foods!
😄 😄 😄
I found a pebble that looked like a guitar pick.
Must be for rock music.
😄 😄 😄
I asked a window cleaner if he liked his job.
He said he could see himself doing windows every day.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you put an Undead in a bath?
Soup.
😄 😄 😄
My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.
“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”
😄 😄 😄
I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her.
She replied, “This jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.”
I said, “Okay, how about in the fridge?”
She said, “No, silly, there’s a little light inside.”
😄 😄 😄
My mother-in-law just asked for bath stuff for her birthday.
She seemed unimpressed with the toaster I bought her.
😄 😄 😄
I made a mistake at a philosophy conference.
They asked me for a lecture on Daoism, but I misunderstood. I talked about filial piety and deference to superiors instead.
I apologized for the Confucian.
😄 😄 😄
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers.
I thought to myself, “Such a lovely day to have a barber queue.”
😄 😄 😄
