So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favorite Star Wars character.
You should’ve seen the Luke on her face.
😄 😄 😄
“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
😄 😄 😄
How do beavers make a bouncy dam?
They use spring water.
😄 😄 😄
What happens after you have a beautiful girlfriend, a million-dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body?
You wake up.
😄 😄 😄
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien!
😄 😄 😄
I broke up with my video game console, now it’s my ex-box.
Nothing personal, it was just time for a switch.
😄 😄 😄
A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, “If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?”
The barkeeper says, “Depends on how good of a trick it is.”
The drunk reaches into his pocket, pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano.
The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard.
He pours the drunk his drink.
The drunk, after killing his drink, says, “If I show you another trick, can I have another free one?”
The barkeeper says, “If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night.”
The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano and the rat starts scatting along with the frog.”
Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink them.
After several hours, a big-time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and frantically asks the barkeeper who it belongs to.
The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.
The agent wakes him up and says, “I will give you 1 million dollars for that act.”
The drunks says, “Not for sale.”
The agent says, “Ok, 100 grand for just the skating rat.”
The drunk says, “Deal.”
The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.
The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, “Are you nuts? You had a million-dollar act that you just broke up for a wimpy 100 g’s?”
The Drunk says, “Relax, the frog is a ventriloquist.”
😄 😄 😄
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it’s gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.
“What time do you think it is?” One of them asks the other.
“Just make a ton of noise,” says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways.
After a few seconds of screaming a light turns on in another yard and a neighbour yells, “YOU CRAZY KIDS, IT’S 2 IN THE MORNING!!”
😄 😄 😄
Someday, when I’m a pun-sioner, I’d love to live in a pun-thouse on a pun-insula.
😄 😄 😄
I’m halfway through becoming a stand-up comedian. I can stand up, now all I need is comedy.
😄 😄 😄
When I was a young boy, my father taught me how to be a bearded man.
He took me into the bathroom, picked up a razor, and ate it.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
They say the business is toast.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris was born, he spanked the doctor.
😄 😄 😄
We really need to keep planet earth nice and tidy.
It is not Uranus, you know.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the barber keep agreeing to shave the lion’s fur even though it was dangerous?
It was his mane source of income.
😄 😄 😄
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
Fangs-giving.
😄 😄 😄
Why are writers really good at coding?
Because they are really into Pro grammar.
😄 😄 😄
I hired a sushi chef.
After a couple of weeks, I asked him what his favorite roll was.
He replied, “My payroll!”
😄 😄 😄
