Yo mamma’s so fat I thought she’d have Princess Leia on a leash beside her.
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Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
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Son: “Dad, have you seen “The Matrix”?”
Dad: “Is that the sequel to April Fools?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting owl.”
“Interrup...?”
“Twit twoo!”
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What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
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My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality.
I don’t know what that means, but must be pretty good if I’ve got it.
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Shrek was furious when all the fairy tale creatures were forced onto his swamp.
It was Marsh Madness.
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My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace.
After a few hours I finally found the exit.
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My therapist says I’m narcissistic.
How can someone who’s perfect be narcissistic?
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Guess what the only superhero I want to be?
YourMan.
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Why did the peanut butter and jelly get into a fight?
Because they couldn’t agree on which bread to use.
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What is red, white, and blue?
A sad candy cane.
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A guy is sitting outside on a bench eating a burger when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.
She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him, “You know, a cow died somewhere, so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?”
As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies, “It’s a shame for sure, but maybe if you weren’t eating its food, that cow might have lived.”
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Why was the bacon tree so angry when the axemen came?
Because he thought it was a ham-bush.
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Yo moma is so fat Luke Skywalker that yo moma was the Death Star.
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What was the taxidermist doing at the hot dog stand?
Stuffing his face!
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How do you wish an ice cream a happy birthday?
“Hope your birthday is gelato fun!”
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Teacher: “Pepito, what can you tell me about the death of Christopher Columbus?”
Pepito: “That I am awfully sorry, sir!”
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Where do mushrooms hang out on Saturday night?
The salad bar.
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Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.
Unfortunately, they didn’t catch on at that time, since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.
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