Two students are building a model of the solar system.
Student 1: “Did you remember to bring Uranus like I asked you?”
Student 2: “I never leave home without it!”
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Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
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What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
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My friend said that my haircut makes me look like a rooster.
I said it’s a cock-a-doodle do.
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I never drink beer with an orange slice in it.
Except once in a Blue Moon.
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Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born.
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What’s a poodle’s favorite kind of pizza?
Pupperoni.
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A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, “HIJACK!”
All the passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “HI JOHN!”
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To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
“Hello.”
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What’s a feminist’s least favorite food?
Gender rolls.
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What do you call a Puerto Rican without a car?
Carlos.
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What do you call guys who love math?
Algebros.
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A Man was watching TV one day, when all of a sudden he began screaming in terror.
“Don’t go in the Church!” he cried. “It’s a trap!”
“Mom, is Dad watching a horror movie?” his son asked.
“No, dear, he’s watching our wedding video,” the mom replied.
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Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?
The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
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Two Hippies are walking along a railroad track, stoned.
One Hippie says, “This is a really long staircase, man!”
The other Hippie says, “I don’t mind the stairs, man. It’s this low handrail thats killing me.”
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What did the blue paint say to the red paint when they met?
“You’re looking rosy!”
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An alien drops by the White House and exclaims, “Take me to your leader.”
The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.
“Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!” calls a Senator.
“You are right,” responds the alien.
“See you on Thursday!”
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Guess who Dracula brings with him to movie premieres?
His ghoul-friend!
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Good morning!
I hope you woke up on the right side of the bed...
Because I moved all the furniture to the left side.
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Did you hear about the investment banker who became a horse breeder?
He was always looking for the most stable returns.
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