Why do camels make the best comedians on Wednesdays?
Because they know how to get everyone laughing over the hump.
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I was depressed in my job as a guillotine operator.
I just couldn’t see myself getting ahead in life with that job.
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What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist.
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Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had nobody to go with.
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What did the farmer say to his workers on Labor Day?
“I don’t carrot all, take the day off and lettuce celebrate!”
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We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
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Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.
The landlady said to me, “We charge twenty pounds a night—bed and breakfast—or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.”
“Oh, all right,” I said, “I’ll make the bed.”
And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.
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Ever had to force your dog into taking its medication?
It’s the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know you’re up to something.
So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they don’t bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes.
But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.
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Why are cop donut shop jokes always so funny?
They never get mold.
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What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
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What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?
Reapply.
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How do you remove the inherent bureaucracy that’s plaguing the donut industry?
Cut out the middle, man.
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There’s a new battle royale game launching on September 1st.
It’s called “Back to School!”.
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When I was a pre-teen, I watched a lot of anime, and really really wanted a katana.
So when I finally got one for my birthday, I was so happy, but I only played with it once.
And then all I wanted was grandma back.
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I don’t always look at the heavens.
But when I do, it’s because I’m looking at Uranus.
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How do Tusken Raiders cheat on their taxes?
They always single file, to hide their numbers.
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What did Chuck Norris get when he visited the feminist rally for women’s rights?
He got his shirt ironed.
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course”, comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man.
The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.”
“Of Course”, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Scotland are you from?”
“Aberdeen”, comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.”
“Of course”, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrew’s and graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”
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Your 5 minutes are up!
And nope, no more extensions.
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When Chuck Norris left for college, he told his father:
“You’re the man of the house now.”
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