What do you call a stick with autism?
Autistic.
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A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there, he’s instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, “What’s this supposed to do, cure me!”
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What do heroes like Spider-Man and Ant-Man have in common?
They bug the villains!
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I have a friend who has a PhD in interactions of matter and energy at all length and time scales in the physical universe.
The only job he could get was at a soda factory.
In a roundabout way, he did become a fizzicist.
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Three guys are in the woods: a really smart guy, an average and a really dumb guy.
They are bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting.
A little while later he comes back with a deer.
The average guy asks, “How did you do that?”
The really smart guy says, “I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer and I shoot deer.”
The average guy says, “I think I understand,” and leaves.
A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon.
He really dumb goes gasp, “How did you do that!?”
And the average looks at him funny and says, “Well I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon and I shoot raccoon.
The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, “Oooohh ok, I think I can do that…,” and leaves.
Hours pass and the guy finally returns hurt, bloody and horribly mingled. They run to help him.
Finally one of the guys asked him what happened.
This is what he said, “I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train and I shoot train, but train keeps coming.
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What do you say when someone dies between February 19th and March 20th?
Rest in Pisces.
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What did the leaf say to autumn?
I’m falling for you!
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Why was the Arsenal fan banned from the library?
Because he couldn’t stop shouting “Sshh!”.
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What do you call a detective electrician?
Sherlock Ohms.
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Yo mama’s so fat that she caused Kamino to flood when her water broke.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Disguise.”
“Disguise, who?”
“Disguise your boyfriend!”
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If you want to lie in your bed forever, then I might as well just buy you a coffin.
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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery?
He’s so happy that he’s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
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Spider-Man likes toy tops because they are always spinning.
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My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients.
I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
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Why can’t two ghosts make out?
They go right through each other.
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I asked Uranus about its love life.
And it replied, “It’s complicated, I’m in a gas-tly relationship.”
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Why did the flu go to the art exhibit?
It heard there was a lot of culture there.
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What kind of fish works in a hospital?
Nurse shark.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Mikey.”
“Mikey, who?”
“Mikey doesn’t work, can you let me in?”
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