How do you know it’s time to retire?
It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!
😄 😄 😄
The teacher told all students to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing, except Santa.
He wrote: Due To Rain, No Match.
😄 😄 😄
What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?
A blood moon!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the student eat his homework?
Because he didn’t have a dog.
😄 😄 😄
Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.
“See that over there? What is that?” says the first crow.
The second crows takes a long look, “That’s a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn’t it.”
“How can you tell it’s a scarecrow and not a person?” replies the first crow.
“Look at it’s hand. No cellphone,” says the second crow.
😄 😄 😄
What are the official sea creatures of National Pi Day?
Octopi.
😄 😄 😄
My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.
😄 😄 😄
I had an interview for a party supplies store where I had to inflate a balloon as a test.
I blew it.
😄 😄 😄
Husband says to his wife.
Husband: “I’m going down to the pub, get your coat on.
Wife: “Ooh, am I coming?”
Husband: “No, I’m turning the heating off.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays?
Retired!
😄 😄 😄
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
😄 😄 😄
I can’t stop my mushroom from leaning.
I think I need some morel support.
😄 😄 😄
I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...
I’ve been banned for life from that shop.
😄 😄 😄
I won a wet T-shirt competition. Guess what I got?
Pneumonia!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the spaceship bring a snack to Uranus?
It wanted to have a gas-tro picnic.
😄 😄 😄
Why are cooks funny?
They can crack yolks.
😄 😄 😄
Everyone keeps wishing a happy Father’s Day to “The best dad in the world”.
I’m flattered. But I hope everyone wishes their own dad a happy Father’s Day as well.
😄 😄 😄
Student: “Teacher, is it true that if you get married on Friday the 13th, you will be unhappy?“
Teacher: “Of course. Why should that day be an exception?”
😄 😄 😄
Once there was a bartender who claimed he was the strongest man on earth, he could squeeze every drop of juice out of a lemon and he bet $10,000 that no one could squeeze anymore out of a lemon he has squeezed.
People came in from all over the country: bodybuilders, weightlifters, wrestlers, or anyone who wanted to try. But no one could squeeze anymore juice out of the lemons.
Then one day a little nerdy looking guy walks in and everyone laughs at him when they hear he is there to try to squeeze a lemon.
So the bartender squeezes a lemon into a cup and hands him what is left over.
Then the guy squeezes out 6 more drops of juice, and everyone is amazed!
“What do you do for a living?” they would ask, “Are you a weight lifter, a bodybuilder?”
“No,” he replied, “I work for the IRS.”
😄 😄 😄
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm.
I decided to cyclone.
😄 😄 😄
