While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
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What did the constipated hot dog say?
Muuussttuurrrdd!!
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What would you call Israel if it disappeared away?
Wasreal.
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What’s the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
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Thought I saw my first super hero today. He was sprinting down the street wearing a cape.
Turns out, he hadn’t paid for his haircut.
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Why are jokes about suicide bombers are not funny.
Well for starters, their delivery is just everywhere.
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Your ears are so big if I blew a hairdryer in your face you’d take off.
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What do you call a female crab who is also single?
Ms. Shell.
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It’s always coming but never comes, can you guess what it is?
Tomorrow.
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Chuck Norris can blow up things, without a bomb.
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Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
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Why do people ignore filled donuts?
Because they are just full of themselves.
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What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a musician?
A tattoo.
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Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
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Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he’ll bellowulf at you, then he’ll shakespeare.
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Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
To find Pluto.
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I was depressed in my job as a guillotine operator.
I just couldn’t see myself getting ahead in life with that job.
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Yo mama’s so fat that carbonite was encased in her.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!”
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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. The appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
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