What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?
An Apocaclipse.
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Which bakery should you go to on the Fourth of July?
The one that sells pastries with stars and stripes. The rest are just un-pastry-otic.
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Why do people hate to shave off their beards?
They’re naturally attached to it.
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The bird flu is pretty nasty.
Luckily, it’s tweetable.
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My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.
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Harry Potter needs 8 movies to seek and destroy Voldemort.
Chuck Norris needs 4 seconds.
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A dragon would never explode.
But a dino might.
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I can’t decide if I want to watch the original Star Trek of The Next Generation.
I guess you could say I’m stuck between a Spock and a Picard place.
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I knew I shouldn’t have eaten the seafood.
I’m feeling a little eel.
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy bear.
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What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
Hogs and kisses.
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What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
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December 26th is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand and Australia.
Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the US?
Black Friday.
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What do you call it when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week?
Ogretime.
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Why did the dolphin go to the dentist?
He had an appointment.
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“Sir, I’m going to let you off with a warning.”
“Thank you so much, office.”
“April Fool… sign here.”
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My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I’m a bus driver.
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It’s hotter than a fox on a treadmill in a forest fire.
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I met a comedian who specializes in Uranus jokes.
Suffice to say, their humor was out of this world.
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What does Spider-man wear when it gets cold out?
A Peter Parka.
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