What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?
Space Opera.
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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.
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Why do shoppers feel like cranberry sauce on Black Friday?
They get bruised, battered and squished into pulp trying to get to the bargain bin.
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She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
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A townie was looking for the May Day Fair, he stopped and asked Jethro, ”Will this road take me to the May Day Fair?”
“Oh no,” said Jethro. “You’ll have to go by yourself!”
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Where do you keep your badge at a Star Trek convention?
On a Lanyard Nimoy.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to do it, and four to say “I can do that”.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Boo.”
“Boo, who?”
“Don’t cry, it’s your birthday!”
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What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
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Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
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I think I am going to need knee surgery.
Every day I am with you, I fall for you all over again.
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What happens if a tree falls into mud?
It leafs an impression.
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My friend said he was in a blue funk.
But I told him not to worry because I’m an expert at funk-squashing.
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What does Spider-man wear when it gets cold out?
A Peter Parka.
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What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
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Why couldn’t the Forsaken get across the road?
Because he didn’t have any guts.
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My husband started working from home this week and is set up at the kitchen table so he sees me and the cats repeatedly coming in for snacks, and finally says, “So you guys just eat all day, huh?”
He does NOT understand our office culture and I don’t think he’s fitting in at all.
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What do you call alien eggs?
Eggstra-terrestrials!
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Black people are really fast...
It’s a race thing.
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You are so fat when you walk with your friends it looks like they are orbiting you.
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