Chuck Norris graduated college in one hour.
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You’re so short that I can’t see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.
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It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
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Intaxifcation: The wonderful feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.
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Chuck Norris speaks English, French, Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese.
At the same time in every sentence.
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If you stare at the American flag long enough you’ll see a 3D image of Chuck Norris.
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There’s a new battle royale game launching on September 1st.
It’s called “Back to School!”.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Centipede.”
“Centipede, who?”
“Centipede on the Christmas tree.”
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What do heroes like Spider-Man and Ant-Man have in common?
They bug the villains!
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I knew I shouldn’t have eaten the seafood.
I’m feeling a little eel.
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How does a demon workout?
He exorcises.
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Yo momma is so fat when she jumped in the ocean the whales started singing “We are family ...”
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What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Mary.”
“Mary, who?”
“Mary Christmas!”
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Anna.”
“Anna, who?”
“Anna Happy New Year!”
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An old country gentleman sent his son off to engineering school.
Four years later, upon his son’s return, he asked him what he had learned at college.
The son replied, “Pi r square.”
The dad exclaimed, “You didn’t learn nothin’, boy! Pie are round, bread’s square.”
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Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log.
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Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
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What is Brian May’s son called?
Brian June.
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What is the busiest day for a chiropractor?
Throwback Thursday.
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Why did the disgruntled hot dog vendor quit his job?
He just didn’t relish it.
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