I am sweating like a cactus in a greenhouse.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Your friend.”
“My friend, who?”
“Your friend who needs a key so I can drag you out of bed in the morning, sleepy head!”
😄 😄 😄
Where should you visit after Sesame Street?
Thyme Square!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat she pooped out the Death Star!
😄 😄 😄
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
😄 😄 😄
What room can no one enter?
A mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat every time she took a step it caused an earthquake.
😄 😄 😄
A male driver is pulled over by a cop.
Man: “What’s the problem, officer?”
Cop: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you were going 80.”
Cop: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”
Cop: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”
Man: “Shut your mouth, woman!”
Cop: “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?”
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”
😄 😄 😄
Why are the most attractive males in the anthill also very learned?
Because they’re stud-ants.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat that Wedge Antilles said “Look at the size of that thing!”.
😄 😄 😄
I just signed up for the new college course about the effects of drinking soda on the body.
Anatomy and Fizzyology.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat a picture of her would fall off the wall!
😄 😄 😄
After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
She’s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”. EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.
October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”.
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here”. One of the clerks passed out.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the hip replacement patient always winning at poker?
Because they always had a couple of joints up their sleeve.
😄 😄 😄
Your forehead is a 20-mile taxi ride from your eyebrows to your hairline.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut bring a ladder to Uranus?
To reach for the stars.
😄 😄 😄
Boy: “Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend.”
Girl: “I have a boyfriend.”
Boy: “I have a math test tomorrow.”
Girl: “What does that have to do with anything?”
Boy: “I thought we were listing things we could cheat on.”
😄 😄 😄
Where do all planets go for their higher education?
To the universe-ity.
😄 😄 😄
What is a boxer’s favorite drink?
Punch.
😄 😄 😄
Last year on Mother’s Day we had a big family get-together.
Afterwards my Mom starting getting ready to do the dishes.
Of course I couldn’t let her do that on her special day.
I said, “Leave the dishes, Mom. You can always do them tomorrow.”
😄 😄 😄
