What does a volleyball player do at prom?
Spike the punch.
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Why can’t two ghosts make out?
They go right through each other.
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Why isn’t Santa allowed to shave his beard?
It’s in his Clause.
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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, “GIVE US YER LOOT”?
They were both blonds.
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Avril Lavigne could have just called her song Skater boy instead of Sk8er Boi.
Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated?
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My life is like an overproduced comic book series.
It’s just one issue after another, and the plot doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
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What’s the definition of Specimen?
An Italian astronaut.
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How do you spot a narcissist in a grocery store?
He’ll be doing the self-checkout.
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My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library.
I said it’s for shelf-defense.
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I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...
The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.
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I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Year’s resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.
My feet have never looked better.
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Yeah, god only lets things grow until they’re perfect.
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My two pets fell into my swimming pool.
One of them couldn’t swim at all, but the otter could.
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A child asks, “Mommy, does God use our bathroom?”
The mother replies, “No, darling. Why do you ask?”
The child says, “Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, “Oh God, are you still in there?!”
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Light can be measured, and so can sound.
Smell can also be measured, by scentimeters.
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What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth?
You jam it.
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It is so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
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I am sad to leave the alpaca alone again.
Spending time with him was fun wool it lasted.
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What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
“It’s Christmas, Eve!”
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A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl.
“It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”
“Then I’d be a football fan.”
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