911 Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected 911 Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



911 Jokes


Chuck Norris called 911 and asked if they needed help.

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A boy calls 911, โ€œHello? I need your help!โ€

The operator says, โ€œAlright. What is it?โ€

The boy says, โ€œTwo girls are fighting over me!โ€

The operator asks, โ€œSo, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€

The boy says, โ€œThe ugly one is winning.โ€

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I almost called 911 when an armed man came into my restaurant.

But he assured me he didnโ€™t want any beef.

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Two hunters were out hunting in the woods when one of them collapsed.

The other hunter whipped out his phone and dialed 911.

The hunter tells the operator that he thinks his friend is dead.

The operator calms down the hunter and tells him to make sure heโ€™s dead.

There was a brief pause and all of a sudden a gunshot could be heard.

โ€œOkay, heโ€™s definitely dead. What next?โ€ asks the hunter.

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When he was ten years old Warren Buffett called 911 to report a car had been in an accident near his local grocery store.

It was his first experience with a market crash.

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A guy calls 911 and says, โ€œI need an ambulance, my wife fell down and canโ€™t get up.โ€

The operator says, โ€œOk, sir. Iโ€™m afraid our GPS is down, so Iโ€™m going to need you to give me your street address.โ€

The guy replies, โ€œWe live at 355 Kosciuszko Street.โ€

The operator responds, โ€œCould you please spell that for me, sir?โ€

The guy pauses and says, โ€œYou know what, Iโ€™m just gonna drag her over to Elm Street.โ€

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Why did the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him?

It was an emergent sea.

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So I was driving on the free way today when I got cut off by an ambulance.ย All of a sudden, one of the back doors swung open, and a cooler popped out and rolled out to the shoulder.

I stopped and picked it up. I opened it and found what looked to be a severed toe. I immediately called 911.

The operator said, โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€

I said, โ€œYes, I was driving behind an ambulance and a cooler with a severed toe fell out! If you can please inform me what hospital itโ€™s going to, I can deliver it right now!โ€

The operator replied, โ€œIโ€™m sorry sir, but you canโ€™t transport that. You need a specially certified vehicle to do so.โ€

I asked, โ€œWhat kind of vehicle would that be?โ€

The operator said, โ€œA toe-truck!โ€

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A man rushed to dial 911 one evening when his wife displayed early signs of a stroke.

โ€œDonโ€™t worry, sir,โ€ reassured the dispatcher. โ€œEmergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive.โ€

โ€œHow long will the ambulance be?โ€ the man asked.

โ€œAbout eighteen feet,โ€ replied the dispatcher.

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An orchestra conductor calls 911, โ€œHelp! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?โ€

The 911 operator says, โ€œSimple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.โ€

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The phone rang at my work.

My boss asked, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you answer it?โ€

I said, โ€œIโ€™ll let it ring for a while. That way theyโ€™ll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.โ€

My boss shouted, โ€œANSWER IT NOW!โ€

I picked up the phone and said, โ€œ911, whatโ€™s the emergency?โ€

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A man called 911 regarding a fly problem.

They sent a SWAT team.

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What number do you call in a Taco emergency?

Nine Juan Juan.

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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

โ€œDo you have health insurance?โ€ she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, โ€œNo health insurance.โ€

The nun asked, โ€œDo you have money in the bank?โ€

He replied, โ€œNo money in the bank.โ€

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?โ€ asked the irritated nun.

He said, โ€œI only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.โ€

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, โ€œNuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.โ€

The patient replied, โ€œPerfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.โ€

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A telephone rang.

โ€œHello! Is your phone number 444-4444?โ€

โ€œYes, it is,โ€ came the reply.

โ€œThank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.โ€

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An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet. As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 911.

โ€œI need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!โ€

โ€œOkay sir, we have dispatched officers, they should be there in about an hour.โ€

โ€œAn hour?! But theyโ€™ll be long gone by then!โ€

โ€œIโ€™m sorry, sir, but there are no officers in your area.โ€

The farmer hangs up angrily, waits 10 minutes and then calls 911 again.

โ€œHi, itโ€™s me again. Donโ€™t worry about sending those cops, Iโ€™ve just shot the robbers,โ€ and he hangs up.

Less then 10 minutes later, three cop cars and a helicopter arrive and the robbers are arrested.

The sergeant goes up to the house and bangs on the door. The farmer opens it in his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea.

โ€œWhatโ€™s going on here!? You said you shot the robbers!โ€

โ€œYou said there were no officers in my area.โ€

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A man calls 911.

The operator says, โ€œ911 whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€

The man says, โ€œMy wife is going into labour and I donโ€™t know what to do!โ€

The operator calmly replies, โ€œOkay. Calm down. Is this her first child?โ€

The man answers, โ€œNo, this is her husband!โ€

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A call comes in to 911: โ€œCome quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!โ€

Operator: โ€œWhere?โ€

Caller: โ€œNo, a regular one!โ€

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Mama always said โ€œWork until your bank account looks like a phone number.โ€

Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!

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Why donโ€™t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they canโ€™t find the number eleven on their phone.

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