911 Jokes

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911 Jokes

What number do you call in a Taco emergency?

Nine Juan Juan.

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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

β€œDo you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, β€œNo health insurance.”

The nun asked, β€œDo you have money in the bank?”

He replied, β€œNo money in the bank.”

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.

He said, β€œI only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, β€œNuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, β€œPerfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

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A telephone rang.

β€œHello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”

β€œYes, it is,” came the reply.

β€œThank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”

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An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet. As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 911.

β€œI need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!”

β€œOkay sir, we have dispatched officers, they should be there in about an hour.”

β€œAn hour?! But they’ll be long gone by then!”

β€œI’m sorry, sir, but there are no officers in your area.”

The farmer hangs up angrily, waits 10 minutes and then calls 911 again.

β€œHi, it’s me again. Don’t worry about sending those cops, I’ve just shot the robbers,” and he hangs up.

Less then 10 minutes later, three cop cars and a helicopter arrive and the robbers are arrested.

The sergeant goes up to the house and bangs on the door. The farmer opens it in his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea.

β€œWhat’s going on here!? You said you shot the robbers!”

β€œYou said there were no officers in my area.”

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A man calls 911.

The operator says, β€œ911 what’s your emergency?”

The man says, β€œMy wife is going into labour and I don’t know what to do!”

The operator calmly replies, β€œOkay. Calm down. Is this her first child?”

The man answers, β€œNo, this is her husband!”

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A call comes in to 911: β€œCome quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!”

Operator: β€œWhere?”

Caller: β€œNo, a regular one!”

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Mama always said β€œWork until your bank account looks like a phone number.”

Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!

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Why don’t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they can’t find the number eleven on their phone.

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