Kid Jokes to Tell



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Kid Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Kid Jokes


To what would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?

Gatherer.

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Short Funny Jokes on Kids



Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load

of fertilizer.

Alex โ€” a little boy of nine โ€” was playing ball in his yard.

He saw the farmer and asked, โ€œWhatโ€™ve you got in your trailer?โ€

โ€œManure,โ€ farmer Smith replied.

โ€œWhat are you going to do with it?โ€ asked Alex.

โ€œPut it on my pumpkins,โ€ answered the farmer.

Alex replied, โ€œYou ought to

come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.โ€

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Son: โ€œDad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?โ€

Dad: โ€œBecause your mother loves Roses.โ€

Son: โ€œOh... OK. Thanks, Dad!โ€

Dad: โ€œNo problem, Costco Hot Dog.โ€

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.

The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray โ€œTake only one, God is watchingโ€.

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child whispered to another, โ€œTake all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.โ€

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Three kids one day found a magical slide.

There was a sign next to it saying โ€œwhatever you wish for comes true once you slide downโ€.

One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.

The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.

The third kid went down and said, โ€œWeeeeeeee!โ€

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What kind of bar is kid-friendly?

A chocolate bar.

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On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.

So when he got home from school, I said to him, โ€œSteve, do you mind sitting down, Iโ€™ve got something to tell you.โ€

โ€œDad, guess what?!โ€ he shouted excitedly.

โ€œSteve, this is important.โ€ I urged.

โ€œNo way, Dad. Listen!โ€

โ€œSteve. Please. Donโ€™t make this hard for me. Itโ€™s about your mum and me.โ€

โ€œDad! Shut up! Iโ€™ve just won ยฃ250,000 on a scratch card!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s amazing son! Your old Dadโ€™s really made up for you!โ€

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There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole.

The first moleโ€”daddy moleโ€”wakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out, and says, โ€œMmmmm... I smell bacon!โ€

Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out, and says, โ€œMmmmm... I smell pancakes!โ€

Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up but gets stuck behind his mom and dad.

He takes a big whiff and says, โ€œAll I can smell is molasses!โ€

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A small boy tells his mum that his dadโ€™s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesnโ€™t believe him.

โ€œYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,โ€ she says.

โ€œWell he did,โ€ the boy replies, โ€œand one of the animals paid us ยฃ50.โ€

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Me: โ€œGood night, kids!โ€

Kids: โ€œGood night, dad!โ€

Me: โ€œGood night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!โ€

Wife (through radio under the bed): โ€œGood night!โ€

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My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.

Now, I didnโ€™t buy it and he certainly didnโ€™t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and went to the jewelers.

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Little Johnnyโ€™s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

โ€œYes,โ€ said the policeman.

โ€œThe detectives want very badly to capture him.โ€

Little Johnny asked, โ€œWhy didnโ€™t you keep him when you took his picture?โ€

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The computer programmer to his son: โ€œHere, I brought you a new basketball.โ€

Son: โ€œThank you, daddy, but where is the userโ€™s guide?โ€

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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.

Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

โ€œWait a minute,โ€ she said. โ€œI had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.โ€

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It was the first day of school.

Harryโ€™s mother went into his bedroom and said, โ€œCome on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.โ€

โ€œBut I donโ€™t want to go to school,โ€ replied Harry, โ€œI want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?โ€

โ€œBecause,โ€ answered his mother, โ€œyouโ€™re a teacher!โ€

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โ€œMum, I just won this phone in a race!โ€

โ€œWho was in the race?โ€

โ€œThe owner of the phone and the police. I think theyโ€™re at the door to congratulate me.โ€

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โ€œDad, I donโ€™t want to go to school today,โ€ said the boy.

โ€œWhy not, son?โ€

โ€œWell, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.โ€

โ€œBut why donโ€™t you want to go today?โ€

โ€œBecause our English teacher died yesterday!โ€

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Daisy: โ€œWhy do you have two different colored socks on? Oneโ€™s blue, but the other is green.โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œIโ€™m not sure. Itโ€™s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.โ€

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A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

โ€œMama, look what I found,โ€ the boy called out.

โ€œWhat have you got there, dear?โ€

With astonishment in the young boyโ€™s voice, he answered, โ€œI think itโ€™s Adamโ€™s underwear!โ€

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Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, โ€œWhere is God?โ€

The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, โ€œWhere is God?โ€

The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.

Eventually, his brother found him and asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€

The crying boy replied, โ€œWeโ€™re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!โ€

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A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, โ€œPapa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.โ€

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Top 5 Best Jokes Ever for Parents



Sunday school teacher: โ€œTell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?โ€

Johnny: โ€œNo, maโ€™am, I donโ€™t have to. My momโ€™s a good cook.โ€

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A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

โ€œBehave, my bubaleh,โ€ she says.

โ€œTake good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh!โ€

โ€œAnd come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.โ€

โ€œYour mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!โ€

At the end of the school day, the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.

โ€œSo what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?โ€

The boy answers, โ€œI learned my name is David.โ€

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, โ€œDo you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?โ€

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

โ€œDo you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?โ€

The little boy nodded yes.

โ€œSo,โ€ the coach continued, โ€œIโ€™m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldnโ€™t argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?โ€

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, โ€œAnd when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, itโ€™s not good sportsmanship to call your coach โ€œa worthless idiotโ€ is it?โ€ Again the little boy nodded.

โ€œGood,โ€ said the coach. โ€œNow go over there and explain all that to your parents.โ€

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A little boy asked his father, โ€œDaddy, how much does it cost to get married?โ€

And the father replied, โ€œI donโ€™t know, son, Iโ€™m still paying for it.โ€

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The dad says, โ€œA man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.โ€

The kid replies, โ€œI hope one day I can be a man just like mom!โ€

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Really Funny Jokes One-Liners About Children



Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.

Or they might get autumnโ€™y ache.

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My kids are the sunshine of my life.

Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.

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When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

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My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

And theyโ€™re off!

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Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is:

โ€œAm I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?โ€

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Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

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Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.

Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.

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My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.

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Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?

He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, โ€œHey kids, do you want to buy some toys?โ€

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Funny Jokes for Adults About Kids



Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.

One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.

After supper she went out and put up a sign: โ€œBeware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!โ€

A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.

Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: โ€œNOW THERE ARE TWO!!โ€

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of

feminine product, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, โ€œSon, how old are you?โ€

โ€œEight,โ€ the boy replied.

The man continued, โ€œDo you know what these are used for?โ€

The boy replied, โ€œNot exactly, but they arenโ€™t for me. Theyโ€™re for him. Heโ€™s my brother. Heโ€™s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he canโ€™t do either.โ€

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

โ€œSon,โ€ said the man, โ€œeating too much candy isnโ€™t good for you.โ€

โ€œMy grandfather lived to be 100,โ€ Johnny replies.

โ€œDid he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œNo,โ€ said Johnny, โ€œHe minded his own damn business!โ€

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One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

โ€œGood night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.โ€

Her dad asked her, โ€œWhy goodbye?โ€

โ€œOh, I dunno, I just felt like it.โ€

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.

โ€œGood night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.

Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.

The very next day, Sallyโ€™s grandma died.

That night, when Sally said โ€œGood night Mom, goodbye Dadโ€, Sallyโ€™s dad began to panic. He knew this couldnโ€™t just be a coincidence.

So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.

Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.

He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.

โ€œOh, it was just awful!โ€ she replied. โ€œThe Milkman died!โ€

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Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.

He comes upon a question:

What separates the head from the body?

Ahmed answers:

The axe.

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My kids wonโ€™t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

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If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?

Diabetes.

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A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, โ€œExcuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?โ€

The Harvard student replies, โ€œAt Harvard, you donโ€™t end a sentence with a preposition.โ€

The kid said, โ€œSorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?โ€

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Teacher: โ€œNow class, if you are dumb, please stand up.โ€

No one stands up.

Teacher: โ€œOh cโ€™mon. I know someone over here is dumb.โ€ Waves her finger around the left side of the room.

Little Johnny stands up.

Teacher: โ€œOh, Johnny, you think youโ€™re dumb?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œNo, I just feel bad youโ€™re standing alone.โ€

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A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that theyโ€™ll play a game with the kids. Theyโ€™ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.

At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.

โ€œWell,โ€ he says, โ€œitโ€™s what mommy calls me sometimesโ€.

The little girl screams, โ€œDonโ€™t eat it! Itโ€™s a donkey!โ€

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At school, Little Johnnyโ€™s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so itโ€™s very easy to blackmail them by saying โ€œI know the whole truthโ€.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnnyโ€™s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, โ€œJust donโ€™t tell your father.โ€

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, โ€œPlease donโ€™t say a word to your mother.โ€

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, โ€œThen come give your Daddy a great big hug!โ€

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A child asked his father, โ€œHow were people born?โ€

So his father said, โ€œAdam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.โ€

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, โ€œWe were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.โ€

The child ran back to his father and said, โ€œYou lied to me!โ€

His father replied, โ€œNo, your mom was talking about her side of the family.โ€

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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.

She asks him: โ€œLittle Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?โ€

He: โ€œLike the moon.โ€

The teacher: โ€œThatโ€™s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peacefulโ€.

Little Johnny: โ€œNo, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.โ€

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Funny Jokes for Teens



Why didnโ€™t the zombie go to school?

He felt rotten!

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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?

Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.

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Chocolate is like guns.

If you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend.

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Guess who I saw at school today?

Everyone I looked at.

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What do you call a pastry that is a priest?

A Holy Donut.

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What do you call a cute donut?

Adoughrable.

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Never insult a donut.

Some of them have fillings.

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Whatโ€™s a donutโ€™s favorite day of the week?

Fry-day.

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Why did the donut go to the dentist?

To get a filling.

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Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?

They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

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Which kind of donuts can fly?

The plane ones.

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Whatโ€™s a veganโ€™s favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?

En-salad-us.

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I asked my German friend how many planets are in our Solar System.

Surprisingly he said, โ€œNine.โ€

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I think Saturnโ€™s name is the best in our solar system.

It has a nice ring to it.

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Why havenโ€™t aliens visited our Solar System yet?

They looked at the reviews... only 1 star.

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What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?

U.V. Ray.

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How can Minecraft players avoid sunburn?

Sunblock.

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Why did the sun not go to college?

Because it already has a million degrees!

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I told my dad I couldnโ€™t believe Iโ€™d failed my biology exam.

He said, โ€œIโ€™m your mum!โ€

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During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

Heโ€™s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

โ€“ Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.

โ€“ Doesnโ€™t need heating.

But he still needs one more.

And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

โ€“ Has great packaging.

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I am pretty sure that my algebra teacher is secretly a pirate.

He constantly is trying to find X.

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Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?

Because school is only 6 hours a day!

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Teacher: โ€œTake a seatโ€.

Student: โ€œWhere do you want me to take it to?โ€

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What would happen if you took the school bus home?

The police would make you bring it back!

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What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?

Keep trying until you get a reaction.

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Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.

She used to say โ€œYou shall not pass!โ€

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The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, โ€œNow Iโ€™ll show you this frog in my pocket.โ€

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.

He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, โ€œThatโ€™s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.โ€

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My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she wonโ€™t let me sleep in class.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I said to my teacher, โ€œI donโ€™t think I deserved a zero for this exam.โ€

She said, โ€œI agree, but I couldnโ€™t give you any less.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Math teacher: โ€œJames, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?โ€

James: โ€œA Headache maโ€™am.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.

He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Never fight a math teacher. Youโ€™ll always be outnumbered.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t Romans find algebra interesting?

X is always 10.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems, Iโ€™m tired of solving them for you.

Thanks!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dear Math,

I am sick and tired of finding your โ€œxโ€. Just accept the fact that sheโ€™s gone. Move on dude.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Funny Jokes for Kids



Why do wolves howl at the moon?

Cause they donโ€™t know how to use cell phones.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How much is the moon worth?

One dollar, because it has four quarters.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which is older, the moon or the sun?

The moon, because it can stay out all night.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Gummybear.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the best thing to put into a pie?

Your teeth!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are ghosts terrible liars?

You can see right through them!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does a cat have that no other animal has?

Kittens.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do cats always win video games?

Because they have nine lives!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Funny Kid Jokes About School



Where do kids get ice cream cakes on their birthdays?

At sundae school.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each childโ€™s artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, โ€œIโ€™m drawing God.โ€

The teacher paused and said, โ€œBut no one knows what God looks like.โ€

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, โ€œThey will in a minute.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How did the teacher find out that Shohag copied Danikaโ€™s exam paper?

Because when Danika said โ€œI donโ€™t knowโ€, Shohag said โ€œMe neitherโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Who should be your best friend at school?

Your princi-pal!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?

โ€œCome on, ketch-up!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, โ€œWhat are your parentsโ€™ names?โ€

The student replied, โ€œMy fatherโ€™s name is Laughing and my motherโ€™s name is Smiling.โ€

The teacher said, โ€œAre you kidding?โ€

The student said, โ€œNo, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Johnnyโ€™s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child.

She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, โ€œJohnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.โ€

Little Johnny looks up to her and says, โ€œWell miss, you canโ€™t say that you werenโ€™t warned.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œHow far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œAbout 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Puns for Kids



What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate?

Coco pebbles.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What board game do they love to play in space?

Moon-opoly!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My mom is coming home after a work trip tonight, guess what I am getting?

I am getting yelled at.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What are the sunโ€™s favorite chocolate bars?

A Milky Way.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?

Itโ€™s cool.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is a monsterโ€™s favorite part of a birthday celebration?

I scream.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the snowman say to the birthday girl?

Have an ice day!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the birthday cake say to the ice cream?

Youโ€™re cool!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which ice cream flavor is always celebrating?

Birthday cake!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get from an Alaskan cow?

Ice Cream.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?

Because he wanted to see how long he slept!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dad Jokes for Kids



Friend 1: โ€œMy dog rolled around in the mud all day. How does he smell?โ€

Friend 2: โ€œLike dirt?โ€

Friend 1: โ€œNope, with his nose.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?

Your nose.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you give a dog with a fever?

Mustard because itโ€™s the best thing for a hot dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?

A โ€œBโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?

Theyโ€™re all girls! If they were boys, theyโ€™d be uncles.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?

Turn into bacon.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a witchโ€™s garage?

A broom closet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Can a dog jump higher than a house?

Well, duh. Houses canโ€™t jump.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock Knock Jokes for Kids



Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œDoughnut.โ€

โ€œDoughnut, who?โ€

โ€œDoughnut forget to do your homework or you will have to go to summer school!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œIce cream.โ€

โ€œIce cream, who?โ€

โ€œIce cream every time I see a ghost!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œIce cream.โ€

โ€œIce cream, who?โ€

โ€œI scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œIce cream.โ€

โ€œIce cream, who?โ€

โ€œIce cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œFelix.โ€

โ€œFelix, who?โ€

โ€œFelix my ice cream, Iโ€™ll lick his!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œIce cream.โ€

โ€œIce cream, who?โ€

โ€œIce cream if you donโ€™t let me in!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œWater.โ€

โ€œWater, who?โ€

โ€œWater you waiting for... Letโ€™s get out the ice cream!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!ย 

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€ ย 

โ€œAmish.โ€ย 

โ€œAmish, who?โ€ ย 

โ€œReally? You donโ€™t look like a shoe!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œCash.โ€

โ€œCash, who?โ€

โ€œNo thanks, but Iโ€™d love some peanuts.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œInterrupting cow.โ€

โ€œInterrup...โ€

โ€œMoooooooo!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œTank.โ€

โ€œTank, who?โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re welcome!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Good Jokes for Kids About Summer



Why do bananas use sunscreen?

So they donโ€™t peel.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why doesnโ€™t summer have any friends?

Because itโ€™s not cool enough.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?

A watermelon.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do snowmen do in summer?

Chillout.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are mountains the funniest places to go for summer vacation?

Because they are hill-arious!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you describe Neapolitan ice cream to someone?

Your two favorite flavors plus strawberry.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you make the ice cream more expensive?

Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Where does Goku keep his ice cream?

In the Freiza.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in class?

Because the class was so bright!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does the sun drink out of?

Sun-glasses.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Kidsโ€™ Christmas Jokes



Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happens when you drop a snowball in water?

It gets wet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Santa Clauseโ€™s elves went to school, guess what they learned?

The elfabets.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWho's there?โ€

โ€œHo, ho.โ€

โ€œHo ho, who?โ€

โ€œYou know, your Santa impression could use a little work.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What goes โ€œOh, Oh, Ohโ€?

Santa walking backwards!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Long Good Jokes About Kids



An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy.

After two years, the child doesnโ€™t speak and his parents start to worry about him.

After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they throw him a party and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, โ€œMother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.โ€

โ€œMy God,โ€ says his mother. โ€œYou can speak?โ€

To which the German boy replies, โ€œOf course.โ€

โ€œHow come youโ€™ve never spoken before?โ€ asks his father.

โ€œWell,โ€ says the boy, โ€œup until now, everything has been satisfactory.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young Arab boy asks his father, โ€œWhat is that strange hat you are wearing?โ€

The father said, โ€œWhy, my son, it is a โ€œchechiaโ€. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.โ€

โ€œAnd what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?โ€ asked the boy.

โ€œOh, my son!โ€ exclaimed the father, โ€œIt is very simple. This is a โ€œdjbellahโ€. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My โ€œdjbellahโ€ protects the entire body.โ€

The son then asked, โ€œBut Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?โ€

โ€œThese are โ€œbabouchesโ€ my son,โ€ the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These โ€œbabouchesโ€ keep us from burning our feet.โ€

โ€œSo tell me then,โ€ added the boy.

โ€œYes, my son...โ€

โ€œWhy are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this poop?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young boy walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.

In disbelief, the cashier asked him to repeat his order.

โ€œI want 12 scoops of ice cream sir.โ€

Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.

But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question, โ€œWhy did you want so many scoops of ice cream?โ€

โ€œWell, if you had what I had you would order the exact same thing.โ€

The cashier hands him the cone but heโ€™s a little confused and asked another question.

โ€œAnd what is it that you have that I donโ€™t?โ€

The boy looked him in the eyes with a smirk on his face and said, โ€œOnly two dollars in change.โ€ And he ran out of parlor.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter, โ€œDo you have onion-flavored ice cream?โ€

The guy says, โ€œNo, we donโ€™t have onion-flavored ice cream.โ€

So the kid says, โ€œOk,โ€ and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question.

The guy again informs him that they donโ€™t carry onion-flavored ice cream.

This goes on for a week, and the guy running the ice cream shop figures the kid is probably autistic.

So, one night, he goes home and starts to work on a recipe for onion-flavored ice cream. He stays up all night working and perfecting onion-flavored ice cream, just for this kid.

Then, the next morning, when the kid comes in at his usual time and asks if they have onion-flavored ice cream, the guy answers him.

โ€œYes! Yes, we have onion-flavored ice cream!โ€

The kid replies, โ€œYou must be stupid. Who is gonna buy onion-flavored ice cream?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his fatherโ€”who was a ministerโ€”if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, โ€œIโ€™ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ€

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, โ€œSon, Iโ€™m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโ€™ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโ€™t get hair cut!โ€

The young man waited a moment and replied, โ€œYou know Dad, Iโ€™ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ€

His father replied, โ€œYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman walks into the Social Workerโ€™s office, trailed by 15 kids.

โ€œWOW!โ€ the social worker exclaims, โ€œAre they ALL yours?โ€

โ€œYeah, theyโ€™re all mine,โ€ the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, โ€œSit down Terry.โ€ All the children rush to find seats.

โ€œWell,โ€ says the social worker, โ€œthen you must be here to sign up. Iโ€™ll need all your childrenโ€™s names.โ€

โ€œThis oneโ€™s my oldest โ€“ he is Terry.โ€

โ€œOK, and whoโ€™s next?โ€

โ€œWell, this one he is Terry, also.โ€

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

โ€œAll right,โ€ says the caseworker, โ€œIโ€™m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?โ€

Their Mother replied, โ€œWell, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell โ€œTerry!โ€, and when itโ€™s time for dinner, I just yell โ€œTerry!โ€, and they all come running.

And if I need to stop the kid whoโ€™s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. Itโ€™s the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.โ€

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, โ€œBut what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?โ€

โ€œI call them by their surnames.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, โ€œThis is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.โ€

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, โ€œWhich do you want, son?โ€

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

โ€œWhat did I tell you?โ€, said the barber. โ€œThat kid never learns!โ€

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

โ€œHey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?โ€

The boy licked his cone and replied, โ€œBecause the day I take the dollar, the game is over!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„




















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