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Kid Jokes to Tell



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Kid Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Kid Jokes


Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.

One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.

After supper she went out and put up a

sign:

“Beware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”

A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.

Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!!”

😄 😄 😄


Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load

of fertilizer.

Alex — a little boy of nine — was playing ball in his yard.

He saw the farmer and asked, “What’ve you got in your trailer?”

“Manure,” farmer Smith replied.

“What are you going to do with it?” asked Alex.

“Put it on my pumpkins,” answered the farmer.

Alex replied, “You ought to

come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.”

😄 😄 😄


Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.

Or they might get autumn’y ache.

😄 😄 😄


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” the boy replied.

The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”

😄 😄 😄


Son: “Dad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?”

Dad: “Because your mother loves Roses.”

Son: “Oh... OK. Thanks Dad!”

Dad: “No problem, Costco Hot Dog.”

😄 😄 😄


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.

The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray “Take only one, God is watching”.

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.”

😄 😄 😄


A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.

After the man received the full treatment — shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. — he placed the boy in the chair.

“I’m going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”

“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. ”He just walked up, took me by the hand, and said ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”

😄 😄 😄


Three kids one day found a magical slide.

There was a sign next to it saying “whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down”.

One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.

The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.

The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”

😄 😄 😄


An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy.

After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him.

After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they throw him a party and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”

“My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”

To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”

“How come you’ve never spoken before?” asks his father.

“Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

😄 😄 😄


Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own damn business!”

😄 😄 😄


On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.

So when he got home from school, I said to him, “Steve, do you mind sitting down, I’ve got something to tell you.”

“Dad, guess what?!” he shouted excitedly.

“Steve, this is important.” I urged.

“No way, Dad. Listen!”

“Steve. Please. Don’t make this hard for me. It’s about your mum and me.”

“Dad! Shut up! I’ve just won £250,000 on a scratch card!”

“That’s amazing son! Your old Dad’s really made up for you!”

😄 😄 😄


My mom is coming home after a work trip tonight, guess what I am getting?

I am getting yelled at.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the boy stop eating donuts?

Because he got bored with the hole thing.

😄 😄 😄


My kids are the sunshine of my life.

Over-exposition invariably leads to a burn out.

😄 😄 😄


A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said, “Why, my son, it is a “chechia”. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father, “It is very simple. This is a “djbellah”. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My “djbellah” protects the entire body.”

The son then asked, “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

“These are “babouches” my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These “babouches” keep us from burning our feet.”

“So tell me then,” added the boy.

“Yes, my son...”

“Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this poop?

😄 😄 😄


A young boy walks into an ice-cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.

In disbelief the cashier asked him to repeat his order.

“I want 12 scoops of ice cream sir.”

Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.

But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question, “Why did you want so many scoops of ice cream?”

“Well, if you had what I had you would order the exact same thing.”

The cashier hands him the cone but he’s a little confused and asked a another question.

“And what is it that you have that I don’t?”

The boy looked him in the eyes with a smirk on his face and said, “Only two dollars in change.” And he ran out of parlor.

😄 😄 😄


One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter, “Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?”

The guy says, “No, we don’t have onion-flavored ice cream.”

So the kid says, “Ok,” and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question.

The guy again informs him that they don’t carry onion-flavored ice cream.

This goes on for a week, and the guy running the ice cream shop figures the kid is probably autistic.

So, one night, he goes home and starts to work on a recipe for onion-flavored ice cream. He stays up all night working and perfecting onion-flavored ice cream, just for this kid.

Then, the next morning, when the kid comes in at his usual time, and asks if they have onion-flavored ice cream, the guy answers him.

“Yes! Yes, we have onion-flavored ice cream!”

The kid replies, “You must be stupid. Who is gonna buy onion-flavored ice cream?!”

😄 😄 😄


When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an Ice cream.

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

😄 😄 😄


There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole.

The first mole – daddy mole — wakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out and says, “Mmmmm... I smell bacon!”

Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out and says, “Mmmmm... I smell pancakes!”

Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up, but gets stuck behind his mom and dad.

He takes a big whiff and says, “All I can smell is molasses!”

😄 😄 😄


A small boy tells his mum that his dad’s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesn’t believe him.

“Your dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,” she says.

“Well he did,” the boy replies, “and one of the animals paid us £50.”

😄 😄 😄


One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”

Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”

“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.

“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.

Her dad was very suspicious, but said nothing.

The very next day, Sally’s grandma died.

That night, when Sally said “Good night Mom, goodbye Dad”, Sally’s dad began to panic. He knew this couldn’t just be a coincidence.

So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.

Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.

He managed to arrive home safely, and asked his wife how her day had been.

“Oh, it was just awful!” she replied. “The Milkman died!”

😄 😄 😄


My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.

Now, I didn’t buy it and he certainly didn’t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and went to the jewelers.

😄 😄 😄


Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.

He comes upon a question:

What separates the head from the body?

Ahmed answers:

The axe.

😄 😄 😄


A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

“Behave, my bubaleh,” she says.

“Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh!”

“And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.”

“Your mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!”

At the end of the school day, the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.

“So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?”

The boy answers, “I learned my name is David.”

😄 😄 😄


Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes,” said the policeman.

“The detectives want very badly to capture him.”

Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

😄 😄 😄


A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

😄 😄 😄


The computer programmer to his son: “Here, I brought you a new basketball.”

Son: “Thank you, daddy, but where is the user’s guide?”

😄 😄 😄


If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?

Diabetes.

😄 😄 😄


Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

😄 😄 😄


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?”

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach “a worthless idiot” is it?” Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your parents.”

😄 😄 😄


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his father — who was a minister — if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, “Son, I’m realy proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

😄 😄 😄


A woman walks into the Social Worker’s office, trailed by 15 kids.

“WOW!” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”

“Yeah, they’re all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.

“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”

“This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”

“OK, and who’s next?”

“Well, this one he is Terry, also.”

The social worker raises an eyebrow, but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

“All right,” says the caseworker, “I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?”

Their Mother replied, “Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell “Terry!”, an’ when it’s time for dinner, I just yell “Terry!”, an’ they all come a runnin.

An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.”

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”

“I call them by their surnames.”

😄 😄 😄


A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

😄 😄 😄


Usually when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.

Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.

😄 😄 😄


A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, “Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?”

The Harvard student replies, “At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.”

The kid said, “Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?”

😄 😄 😄


It was the first day of school.

Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”

“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”

“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”

😄 😄 😄


Teacher: “Take a seat”.

Student: “Where do you want me to take it to?”

😄 😄 😄


Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?

Because he wanted to see how long he slept!

😄 😄 😄


Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

😄 😄 😄


“Mum, I just won this phone in a race!”

“Who was in the race?”

“The owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”

😄 😄 😄


The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?

“Come on, ketch-up!”

😄 😄 😄


“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.

“Why not, son?”

“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”

“But why don’t you want to go today?”

“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”

😄 😄 😄


On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, “What are your parents’ names?”

The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing and my mother’s name is Smiling.”

The teacher said, “Are you kidding?”

The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.”

😄 😄 😄


Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, “Because people are sleeping!”

😄 😄 😄


My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.

😄 😄 😄


Teacher: “Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.”

No one stands up.

Teacher: “Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb.” Waves her finger around the left side of the room.

Little Johnny stands up.

Teacher: “Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?”

Little Johnny: “No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.”

😄 😄 😄


The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”

The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”

😄 😄 😄


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?”, said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

😄 😄 😄


A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they’ll play a game with the kids. They’ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.

At meal time, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.

“Well,” he says, “it’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.

The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s an asshole!”

😄 😄 😄


At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

😄 😄 😄


Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.

The cashier said, “There’s no way I can take this. It’s fake.”

Johnny said, “Well, the car’s not real either.”

😄 😄 😄


Daisy: “Why do you have two different colored socks on? One’s blue, but the other is green.”

Little Johnny: “I’m not sure. It’s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.”

😄 😄 😄


Little Johnny’s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child.

She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, “Johnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”

Little Johnny looks up to her and says, “Well miss, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.”

😄 😄 😄


Teacher: “How far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?”

Little Johnny: “About 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.”

😄 😄 😄


A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?”

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

😄 😄 😄


Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”

The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”

The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.

Eventually, his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”

The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”

😄 😄 😄


A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

😄 😄 😄


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.

She asks him: “Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?”

He: “Like the moon.”

The teacher: “That’s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful”.

Little Johnny: “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”

😄 😄 😄


A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles.”

😄 😄 😄





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