Enjoy our team's carefully selected Kid Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Children are like farts.
Your own are just about bearable, but everyone elseโs are horrendous.
๐ ๐ ๐
To what would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?
Gatherer.
๐ ๐ ๐
Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load
of fertilizer.
Alex โ a little boy of nine โ was playing ball in his yard.
He saw the farmer and asked, โWhatโve you got in your trailer?โ
โManure,โ farmer Smith replied.
โWhat are you going to do with it?โ asked Alex.
โPut it on my pumpkins,โ answered the farmer.
Alex replied, โYou ought to
come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Son: โDad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?โ
Dad: โBecause your mother loves Roses.โ
Son: โOh... OK. Thanks, Dad!โ
Dad: โNo problem, Costco Hot Dog.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.
The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray โTake only one, God is watchingโ.
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, โTake all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Three kids one day found a magical slide.
There was a sign next to it saying โwhatever you wish for comes true once you slide downโ.
One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.
The third kid went down and said, โWeeeeeeee!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What kind of bar is kid-friendly?
A chocolate bar.
๐ ๐ ๐
On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.
So when he got home from school, I said to him, โSteve, do you mind sitting down, Iโve got something to tell you.โ
โDad, guess what?!โ he shouted excitedly.
โSteve, this is important.โ I urged.
โNo way, Dad. Listen!โ
โSteve. Please. Donโt make this hard for me. Itโs about your mum and me.โ
โDad! Shut up! Iโve just won ยฃ250,000 on a scratch card!โ
โThatโs amazing son! Your old Dadโs really made up for you!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole.
The first moleโdaddy moleโwakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out, and says, โMmmmm... I smell bacon!โ
Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out, and says, โMmmmm... I smell pancakes!โ
Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up but gets stuck behind his mom and dad.
He takes a big whiff and says, โAll I can smell is molasses!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A small boy tells his mum that his dadโs taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesnโt believe him.
โYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,โ she says.
โWell he did,โ the boy replies, โand one of the animals paid us ยฃ50.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Me: โGood night, kids!โ
Kids: โGood night, dad!โ
Me: โGood night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!โ
Wife (through radio under the bed): โGood night!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didnโt buy it and he certainly didnโt buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and went to the jewelers.
๐ ๐ ๐
Little Johnnyโs kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
โYes,โ said the policeman.
โThe detectives want very badly to capture him.โ
Little Johnny asked, โWhy didnโt you keep him when you took his picture?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The computer programmer to his son: โHere, I brought you a new basketball.โ
Son: โThank you, daddy, but where is the userโs guide?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
โWait a minute,โ she said. โI had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
It was the first day of school.
Harryโs mother went into his bedroom and said, โCome on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.โ
โBut I donโt want to go to school,โ replied Harry, โI want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?โ
โBecause,โ answered his mother, โyouโre a teacher!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
โMum, I just won this phone in a race!โ
โWho was in the race?โ
โThe owner of the phone and the police. I think theyโre at the door to congratulate me.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
โDad, I donโt want to go to school today,โ said the boy.
โWhy not, son?โ
โWell, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.โ
โBut why donโt you want to go today?โ
โBecause our English teacher died yesterday!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Daisy: โWhy do you have two different colored socks on? Oneโs blue, but the other is green.โ
Little Johnny: โIโm not sure. Itโs weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
โMama, look what I found,โ the boy called out.
โWhat have you got there, dear?โ
With astonishment in the young boyโs voice, he answered, โI think itโs Adamโs underwear!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, โWhere is God?โ
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, โWhere is God?โ
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually, his brother found him and asked, โWhatโs wrong?โ
The crying boy replied, โWeโre in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.
When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, โPapa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Sunday school teacher: โTell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?โ
Johnny: โNo, maโam, I donโt have to. My momโs a good cook.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
โBehave, my bubaleh,โ she says.
โTake good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh!โ
โAnd come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.โ
โYour mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!โ
At the end of the school day, the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
โSo what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?โ
The boy answers, โI learned my name is David.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, โDo you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?โ
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
โDo you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?โ
The little boy nodded yes.
โSo,โ the coach continued, โIโm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldnโt argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?โ
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, โAnd when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, itโs not good sportsmanship to call your coach โa worthless idiotโ is it?โ Again the little boy nodded.
โGood,โ said the coach. โNow go over there and explain all that to your parents.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A little boy asked his father, โDaddy, how much does it cost to get married?โ
And the father replied, โI donโt know, son, Iโm still paying for it.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The dad says, โA man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.โ
The kid replies, โI hope one day I can be a man just like mom!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumnโy ache.
๐ ๐ ๐
My kids are the sunshine of my life.
Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.
๐ ๐ ๐
When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.
Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.
And theyโre off!
๐ ๐ ๐
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is:
โAm I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
๐ ๐ ๐
Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.
Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.
๐ ๐ ๐
My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.
๐ ๐ ๐
Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, โHey kids, do you want to buy some toys?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.
One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.
After supper she went out and put up a sign: โBeware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!โ
A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.
Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: โNOW THERE ARE TWO!!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of
feminine product, and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, โSon, how old are you?โ
โEight,โ the boy replied.
The man continued, โDo you know what these are used for?โ
The boy replied, โNot exactly, but they arenโt for me. Theyโre for him. Heโs my brother. Heโs four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he canโt do either.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.
A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.
โSon,โ said the man, โeating too much candy isnโt good for you.โ
โMy grandfather lived to be 100,โ Johnny replies.
โDid he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?โ the man asks.
โNo,โ said Johnny, โHe minded his own damn business!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.
โGood night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.โ
Her dad asked her, โWhy goodbye?โ
โOh, I dunno, I just felt like it.โ
The very next day, her grandpa died.
That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
โGood night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.
Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.
The very next day, Sallyโs grandma died.
That night, when Sally said โGood night Mom, goodbye Dadโ, Sallyโs dad began to panic. He knew this couldnโt just be a coincidence.
So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.
Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.
He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.
โOh, it was just awful!โ she replied. โThe Milkman died!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.
He comes upon a question:
What separates the head from the body?
Ahmed answers:
The axe.
๐ ๐ ๐
My kids wonโt eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
๐ ๐ ๐
If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?
Diabetes.
๐ ๐ ๐
A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, โExcuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?โ
The Harvard student replies, โAt Harvard, you donโt end a sentence with a preposition.โ
The kid said, โSorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Teacher: โNow class, if you are dumb, please stand up.โ
No one stands up.
Teacher: โOh cโmon. I know someone over here is dumb.โ Waves her finger around the left side of the room.
Little Johnny stands up.
Teacher: โOh, Johnny, you think youโre dumb?โ
Little Johnny: โNo, I just feel bad youโre standing alone.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that theyโll play a game with the kids. Theyโll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.
At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.
โWell,โ he says, โitโs what mommy calls me sometimesโ.
The little girl screams, โDonโt eat it! Itโs a donkey!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
At school, Little Johnnyโs classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so itโs very easy to blackmail them by saying โI know the whole truthโ.
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnnyโs mother greets him at home, and he tells her, โI know the whole truth.โ
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, โJust donโt tell your father.โ
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, โI know the whole truth.โ
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, โPlease donโt say a word to your mother.โ
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, โI know the whole truth.โ
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, โThen come give your Daddy a great big hug!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A child asked his father, โHow were people born?โ
So his father said, โAdam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.โ
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, โWe were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.โ
The child ran back to his father and said, โYou lied to me!โ
His father replied, โNo, your mom was talking about her side of the family.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.
She asks him: โLittle Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?โ
He: โLike the moon.โ
The teacher: โThatโs such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peacefulโ.
Little Johnny: โNo, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why didnโt the zombie go to school?
He felt rotten!
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
๐ ๐ ๐
Chocolate is like guns.
If you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend.
๐ ๐ ๐
Guess who I saw at school today?
Everyone I looked at.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a cute donut?
Adoughrable.
๐ ๐ ๐
Never insult a donut.
Some of them have fillings.
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs a donutโs favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the donut go to the dentist?
To get a filling.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
๐ ๐ ๐
Which kind of donuts can fly?
The plane ones.
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs a veganโs favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?
En-salad-us.
๐ ๐ ๐
I asked my German friend how many planets are in our Solar System.
Surprisingly he said, โNine.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I think Saturnโs name is the best in our solar system.
It has a nice ring to it.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why havenโt aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews... only 1 star.
๐ ๐ ๐
What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?
U.V. Ray.
๐ ๐ ๐
How can Minecraft players avoid sunburn?
Sunblock.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the sun not go to college?
Because it already has a million degrees!
๐ ๐ ๐
I told my dad I couldnโt believe Iโd failed my biology exam.
He said, โIโm your mum!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
Heโs unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
โ Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.
โ Doesnโt need heating.
But he still needs one more.
And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
โ Has great packaging.
๐ ๐ ๐
I am pretty sure that my algebra teacher is secretly a pirate.
He constantly is trying to find X.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?
Because school is only 6 hours a day!
๐ ๐ ๐
Teacher: โTake a seatโ.
Student: โWhere do you want me to take it to?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?
Keep trying until you get a reaction.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
๐ ๐ ๐
My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.
She used to say โYou shall not pass!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, โNow Iโll show you this frog in my pocket.โ
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, โThatโs funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she wonโt let me sleep in class.
๐ ๐ ๐
I said to my teacher, โI donโt think I deserved a zero for this exam.โ
She said, โI agree, but I couldnโt give you any less.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Math teacher: โJames, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?โ
James: โA Headache maโam.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.
He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.
๐ ๐ ๐
Never fight a math teacher. Youโll always be outnumbered.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why donโt Romans find algebra interesting?
X is always 10.
๐ ๐ ๐
Dear math,
Please grow up and solve your own problems, Iโm tired of solving them for you.
Thanks!
๐ ๐ ๐
Dear Math,
I am sick and tired of finding your โxโ. Just accept the fact that sheโs gone. Move on dude.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do wolves howl at the moon?
Cause they donโt know how to use cell phones.
๐ ๐ ๐
How much is the moon worth?
One dollar, because it has four quarters.
๐ ๐ ๐
Which is older, the moon or the sun?
The moon, because it can stay out all night.
๐ ๐ ๐
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummybear.
๐ ๐ ๐
Whatโs the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
๐ ๐ ๐
Why are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them!
๐ ๐ ๐
What does a cat have that no other animal has?
Kittens.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do cats always win video games?
Because they have nine lives!
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
๐ ๐ ๐
Where do kids get ice cream cakes on their birthdays?
At sundae school.
๐ ๐ ๐
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each childโs artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, โIโm drawing God.โ
The teacher paused and said, โBut no one knows what God looks like.โ
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, โThey will in a minute.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
How did the teacher find out that Shohag copied Danikaโs exam paper?
Because when Danika said โI donโt knowโ, Shohag said โMe neitherโ.
๐ ๐ ๐
Who should be your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
๐ ๐ ๐
The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
โCome on, ketch-up!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, โWhat are your parentsโ names?โ
The student replied, โMy fatherโs name is Laughing and my motherโs name is Smiling.โ
The teacher said, โAre you kidding?โ
The student said, โNo, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Little Johnnyโs teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child.
She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, โJohnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.โ
Little Johnny looks up to her and says, โWell miss, you canโt say that you werenโt warned.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Teacher: โHow far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?โ
Little Johnny: โAbout 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate?
Coco pebbles.
๐ ๐ ๐
What board game do they love to play in space?
Moon-opoly!
๐ ๐ ๐
My mom is coming home after a work trip tonight, guess what I am getting?
I am getting yelled at.
๐ ๐ ๐
What are the sunโs favorite chocolate bars?
A Milky Way.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
Itโs cool.
๐ ๐ ๐
What is a monsterโs favorite part of a birthday celebration?
I scream.
๐ ๐ ๐
What did the snowman say to the birthday girl?
Have an ice day!
๐ ๐ ๐
What did the birthday cake say to the ice cream?
Youโre cool!
๐ ๐ ๐
Which ice cream flavor is always celebrating?
Birthday cake!
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
Ice Cream.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to see how long he slept!
๐ ๐ ๐
Friend 1: โMy dog rolled around in the mud all day. How does he smell?โ
Friend 2: โLike dirt?โ
Friend 1: โNope, with his nose.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard because itโs the best thing for a hot dog.
๐ ๐ ๐
Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?
A โBโ.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call London without electricity?
Londoff.
๐ ๐ ๐
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
๐ ๐ ๐
How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
Theyโre all girls! If they were boys, theyโd be uncles.
๐ ๐ ๐
What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?
Turn into bacon.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a witchโs garage?
A broom closet.
๐ ๐ ๐
Can a dog jump higher than a house?
Well, duh. Houses canโt jump.
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โDoughnut.โ
โDoughnut, who?โ
โDoughnut forget to do your homework or you will have to go to summer school!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โIce cream.โ
โIce cream, who?โ
โIce cream every time I see a ghost!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โIce cream.โ
โIce cream, who?โ
โI scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โIce cream.โ
โIce cream, who?โ
โIce cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โFelix.โ
โFelix, who?โ
โFelix my ice cream, Iโll lick his!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โIce cream.โ
โIce cream, who?โ
โIce cream if you donโt let me in!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โWater.โ
โWater, who?โ
โWater you waiting for... Letโs get out the ice cream!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!ย
โWhoโs there?โ ย
โAmish.โย
โAmish, who?โ ย
โReally? You donโt look like a shoe!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โCash.โ
โCash, who?โ
โNo thanks, but Iโd love some peanuts.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โInterrupting cow.โ
โInterrup...โ
โMoooooooo!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โTank.โ
โTank, who?โ
โYouโre welcome!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why do bananas use sunscreen?
So they donโt peel.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why doesnโt summer have any friends?
Because itโs not cool enough.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?
A watermelon.
๐ ๐ ๐
What do snowmen do in summer?
Chillout.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why are mountains the funniest places to go for summer vacation?
Because they are hill-arious!
๐ ๐ ๐
How do you describe Neapolitan ice cream to someone?
Your two favorite flavors plus strawberry.
๐ ๐ ๐
How do you make the ice cream more expensive?
Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.
๐ ๐ ๐
Where does Goku keep his ice cream?
In the Freiza.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in class?
Because the class was so bright!
๐ ๐ ๐
What does the sun drink out of?
Sun-glasses.
๐ ๐ ๐
Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
๐ ๐ ๐
What happens when you drop a snowball in water?
It gets wet.
๐ ๐ ๐
Santa Clauseโs elves went to school, guess what they learned?
The elfabets.
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWho's there?โ
โHo, ho.โ
โHo ho, who?โ
โYou know, your Santa impression could use a little work.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
What goes โOh, Oh, Ohโ?
Santa walking backwards!
๐ ๐ ๐
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy.
After two years, the child doesnโt speak and his parents start to worry about him.
After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they throw him a party and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, โMother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.โ
โMy God,โ says his mother. โYou can speak?โ
To which the German boy replies, โOf course.โ
โHow come youโve never spoken before?โ asks his father.
โWell,โ says the boy, โup until now, everything has been satisfactory.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A young Arab boy asks his father, โWhat is that strange hat you are wearing?โ
The father said, โWhy, my son, it is a โchechiaโ. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.โ
โAnd what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?โ asked the boy.
โOh, my son!โ exclaimed the father, โIt is very simple. This is a โdjbellahโ. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My โdjbellahโ protects the entire body.โ
The son then asked, โBut Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?โ
โThese are โbabouchesโ my son,โ the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These โbabouchesโ keep us from burning our feet.โ
โSo tell me then,โ added the boy.
โYes, my son...โ
โWhy are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this poop?
๐ ๐ ๐
A young boy walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.
In disbelief, the cashier asked him to repeat his order.
โI want 12 scoops of ice cream sir.โ
Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.
But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question, โWhy did you want so many scoops of ice cream?โ
โWell, if you had what I had you would order the exact same thing.โ
The cashier hands him the cone but heโs a little confused and asked another question.
โAnd what is it that you have that I donโt?โ
The boy looked him in the eyes with a smirk on his face and said, โOnly two dollars in change.โ And he ran out of parlor.
๐ ๐ ๐
One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter, โDo you have onion-flavored ice cream?โ
The guy says, โNo, we donโt have onion-flavored ice cream.โ
So the kid says, โOk,โ and leaves.
The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question.
The guy again informs him that they donโt carry onion-flavored ice cream.
This goes on for a week, and the guy running the ice cream shop figures the kid is probably autistic.
So, one night, he goes home and starts to work on a recipe for onion-flavored ice cream. He stays up all night working and perfecting onion-flavored ice cream, just for this kid.
Then, the next morning, when the kid comes in at his usual time and asks if they have onion-flavored ice cream, the guy answers him.
โYes! Yes, we have onion-flavored ice cream!โ
The kid replies, โYou must be stupid. Who is gonna buy onion-flavored ice cream?!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his fatherโwho was a ministerโif they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, โIโll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, โSon, Iโm really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโt get hair cut!โ
The young man waited a moment and replied, โYou know Dad, Iโve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ
His father replied, โYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A woman walks into the Social Workerโs office, trailed by 15 kids.
โWOW!โ the social worker exclaims, โAre they ALL yours?โ
โYeah, theyโre all mine,โ the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, โSit down Terry.โ All the children rush to find seats.
โWell,โ says the social worker, โthen you must be here to sign up. Iโll need all your childrenโs names.โ
โThis oneโs my oldest โ he is Terry.โ
โOK, and whoโs next?โ
โWell, this one he is Terry, also.โ
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
โAll right,โ says the caseworker, โIโm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?โ
Their Mother replied, โWell, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell โTerry!โ, and when itโs time for dinner, I just yell โTerry!โ, and they all come running.
And if I need to stop the kid whoโs running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. Itโs the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.โ
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, โBut what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?โ
โI call them by their surnames.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, โThis is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.โ
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, โWhich do you want, son?โ
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
โWhat did I tell you?โ, said the barber. โThat kid never learns!โ
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
โHey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?โ
The boy licked his cone and replied, โBecause the day I take the dollar, the game is over!โ
๐ ๐ ๐