Funny Short Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Short Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Short Jokes


A boy calls 911, โ€œHello? I need your help!โ€

The operator says, โ€œAlright. What is it?โ€

The boy says, โ€œTwo girls are fighting over me!โ€

The operator asks, โ€œSo, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€

The boy says, โ€œThe ugly one is winning.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two hunters were out hunting in the woods when one of them collapsed.

The other hunter whipped out his phone and dialed 911.

The hunter tells the operator that he thinks his friend is dead.

The operator calms down the hunter and tells him to make sure heโ€™s dead.

There was a brief pause and all of a sudden a gunshot could be heard.

โ€œOkay, heโ€™s definitely dead. What next?โ€ asks the hunter.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy calls 911 and says, โ€œI need an ambulance, my wife fell down and canโ€™t get up.โ€

The operator says, โ€œOk, sir. Iโ€™m afraid our GPS is down, so Iโ€™m going to need you to give me your street address.โ€

The guy replies, โ€œWe live at 355 Kosciuszko Street.โ€

The operator responds, โ€œCould you please spell that for me, sir?โ€

The guy pauses and says, โ€œYou know what, Iโ€™m just gonna drag her over to Elm Street.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man rushed to dial 911 one evening when his wife displayed early signs of a stroke.

โ€œDonโ€™t worry, sir,โ€ reassured the dispatcher. โ€œEmergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive.โ€

โ€œHow long will the ambulance be?โ€ the man asked.

โ€œAbout eighteen feet,โ€ replied the dispatcher.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An orchestra conductor calls 911, โ€œHelp! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?โ€

The 911 operator says, โ€œSimple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The phone rang at my work.

My boss asked, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you answer it?โ€

I said, โ€œIโ€™ll let it ring for a while. That way theyโ€™ll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.โ€

My boss shouted, โ€œANSWER IT NOW!โ€

I picked up the phone and said, โ€œ911, whatโ€™s the emergency?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two skeletons rise from a grave one night and get on a motorbike.

Suddenly the one on the driver seat gets off again, runs back and rips out its gravestone.

The other asks, โ€œWhat the hell do you need THAT for?โ€

And it answers,ย โ€œAre you stupid? I canโ€™t just drive without my ID!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home, he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice, he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs, he looked back and shouted, โ€œI thought youโ€™d be tougher than that, Batman!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, โ€œYouโ€™re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before itโ€™s too late!โ€

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later, a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says, โ€œSister, shall we just write โ€˜Attention, the bridge is demolishedโ€™?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy runs into a bar, and yells, โ€œQuick! How tall is a penguin?โ€

The bartender says, โ€œThree feet tall.โ€

The guy says, โ€œOh my God! I just ran over a nun!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads.

One said, โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song, and they pay him 50 bucks.โ€

โ€œOh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem, and they pay him 100 bucks.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s nothing,โ€ said the third kid. โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon, and it takes six people to collect all the money!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a sleep walking Nun?

A Roaminโ€™ Catholic.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.

Heโ€™s laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.

Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.

โ€œWho are you?โ€ the guy asks.

โ€œIโ€™m your hip replacement.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I once accidentally poured glue in my sonโ€™s corn flakes.

Heโ€™s never talked to me again.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple โ€œThank youโ€ is all I need.

Not all this โ€œHow did you get in my house??!!!โ€ business.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is the definition of breakfast?

What a driver does when a light suddenly changes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.

The landlady said to me, โ€œWe charge twenty pounds a nightโ€”bed and breakfastโ€”or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.โ€

โ€œOh, all right,โ€ I said, โ€œIโ€™ll make the bed.โ€

And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do elephants bathe?

With their trunks on.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Iโ€™ve seen a meteor shower...

But never seen a meteor take a bath.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?

She still hasnโ€™t gotten all the hair off her tongue.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.

โ€œShe obviously has COVID,โ€ my wife said.

โ€œWhy?โ€ I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, โ€œBecause she has no taste.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman is flirting with a man at a bar.

She says, โ€œHi, handsome, what do you do for a living?โ€

The man replies, โ€œI work for KGB.โ€

โ€œCool, tell me an interesting story!โ€

โ€œAbout me or about you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I met a girl last night and after so flirting asked her if she wanted to come home with me to play โ€œDoctorโ€.

So when we got to my place, I left her sitting on my couch with a bunch of outdated magazines on the end table for 2 1/2 hours before I came out of my bedroom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A doctor just flirted with me. She also said that I was really sweet.

Well, her exact words were โ€œseverely diabeticโ€, but I know what she meant. I got the hint.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.

I wish I could have read the signs.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Traffic policeman: โ€œDidnโ€™t you hear my whistle, madam?โ€

Woman driver: โ€œYes, but I donโ€™t like flirting while Iโ€™m driving.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the definition of Specimen?

An Italian astronaut.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the definition of a surprise?

A fart with a lump in it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference in definition of complete vs. finished?

When you marry the right woman, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.

When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Had an encounter with a dyslexic witch.

I am safe because she couldnโ€™t spell.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.

Unfortunately, they didnโ€™t catch on at that time, since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


While I was drunk last night, I was apparently accused of witchcraft.

The next day, I was hung over.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wife asks, โ€œWhy are you watching our wedding video backwards?โ€

Husband: โ€œI like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?

Phil Ming.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid she thought The Exorcist was a workout video.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I have inner beauty.

And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man came storming out of the courthouse, ranting and raving, obviously really angry.

He stomped across the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, โ€œAsshole attorneysโ€.

The man next to him recoiled in outrage, saying, โ€œI want you to know I highly resent that remarkโ€.

โ€œWhy, are you an attorney?โ€

โ€œNo, Iโ€™m an asshole.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, โ€œYou canโ€™t eat your own sandwiches in here!โ€

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

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Whatโ€™s the difference between North Korea and the USA?

In North Korea, power passes from grandfather to grandson.

In the USA, power passes from grandfather to grandfather.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

Every morning you will rise and shine!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatever you do, always give 100 %.

Unless you are donating blood.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Young actor: โ€œDad, guess what? Iโ€™ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man whoโ€™s been married for 30 years.โ€

Father: โ€œWell, keep at it, son. Maybe one day youโ€™ll get a speaking part.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath.

She wasnโ€™t content. Iโ€™m so upset, I even used color pencils for this.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband to friend: โ€œThe physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.โ€

Friend: โ€œAnd is she doing this?โ€

Husband: โ€œWell, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œHave you seen our toilet roll?โ€ asked my wife.

โ€œDonโ€™t be silly,โ€ I replied. โ€œA toilet is a stationary object.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I donโ€™t know, itโ€™s never happened.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.

But by then, it was too late.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Today I donated a watch, a phone and $500 to a poor guy.

You canโ€™t know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The 5 secrets to happiness for men:

1. Find a woman who can make you laugh.

2. Find a woman who can cook.

3. Find a woman who really listens to you.

4. Find a woman who is great in bed.

5. Make sure these 4 women donโ€™t find out about each other.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art dealer: โ€œI have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them.โ€

Painter: โ€œWow! Whatโ€™s the bad news?โ€

Art dealer: โ€œHe was your doctor.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?

Itโ€™s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two flies are playing soccer on a plate.

One says to the other, โ€œYouโ€™d better pick up your game, Louie, weโ€™re playing in the cup tomorrow.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So, itโ€™s about 1961, and I am ever so proudly part of a land survey crew working in a local neighborhood.

A young boy comes out from his house and states, โ€œMy mom wants to know what you are doing here!โ€

I state, โ€œWell, weโ€™re surveyors!โ€

And as the crew continues down the street, I hear his mom ask, โ€œWell, what are they doing, Tommy?โ€

To which Tommy responds, โ€œDonโ€™t worry, mom, they are survivors!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was stuck in traffic outside Washington, DC this morning. No-one was moving at all.

Then this guy knocked on my window.

I rolled it down and said, โ€œWhatโ€™s happening?โ€

He said, โ€œTerrorists have taken the entire US Congress hostage, and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if theyโ€™re not paid a $100 million dollar ransom. Weโ€™re going from car to car collecting donations.โ€

โ€œHow much is everyone giving?โ€ I asked.

He said, โ€œAbout a gallon.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes, โ€œI have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane,โ€ he explained, โ€œand although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort.โ€

Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane.

โ€œHow come you changed your theory?โ€ he asked.

โ€œOh, I didnโ€™t change my theory, itโ€™s just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop said, โ€œDo you know how fast you were going, Sir?โ€

The guy replied, โ€œI was just trying to keep up with the traffic.โ€

The cop said, โ€œThere is no traffic, Sir.โ€

The guy answered, โ€œThatโ€™s how far behind I am?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I got pulled over by a traffic cop.

He walked up to my window and said, โ€œPapers.โ€

I said, โ€œScissors, I winโ€ฆโ€ and I drove off.

He must be desperate for a re-match because heโ€™s been chasing me for ages.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A cop pulled me over and asked me, โ€œWhere were you between 5 and 6?โ€

I replied, โ€œKindergarten.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad. Her mother asks her whatโ€™s wrong.

She says, โ€œBill proposed to me an hour ago.โ€

Her mother asks, โ€œWhy are you so sad then?โ€

The girl replies, โ€œBecause he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesnโ€™t even believe thereโ€™s a hell.โ€

Her mother says, โ€œMarry him anyway. Between the two of us, weโ€™ll show him how wrong he is.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the evangelical atheist?

She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear an Arsenal support shirt for two weeks.

So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked and verbally abused.

It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three soccer playersโ€”one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenalโ€”are lost in the desert.

They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.

So the guy from Manchester says, โ€œWell, since Iโ€™m from ManCHESTer, Iโ€™ll get the chest.

The player from Liverpool goes, โ€œWell, in that case I'll eat the liver.

Then guy from ARSEnal says, โ€œIโ€™m not hungry...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said to her husband, โ€œLook at this, dear. Thereโ€™s an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldnโ€™t do a thing like that, would you?โ€

โ€œOf course I wouldnโ€™t!โ€ replied her husband. โ€œThe seasonโ€™s almost over!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between a doctor and an architect?

An architectโ€™s mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was driving down the road today when I say a sign for fresh Amish cheese that read, โ€œMade with real Amish milk.โ€

I didnโ€™t even know you could milk the Amish.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they donโ€™t speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase โ€œSecure the buildingโ€.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease with an option to buy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My brother just broke the record by downing 22 jets.

Heโ€™ll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Air Force.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œHow long has your unit been broken?โ€ says the specialist.

โ€œTwo weeks,โ€ says the customer.

โ€œWhy did you wait so long?โ€ says the specialist. This hot weather is no joke.โ€

โ€œMy in-laws were here,โ€ said the customer. โ€œThey wanted to stay for a month.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


AI will never take away my job.

Only an idiot would do my job.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female?

Because theyโ€™re never wrong.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?

Artificial intelligence.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A ranger was assigned the task of hunting buffalo. He hired an aboriginal scout to assist him. They set out on their expedition to find buffalo.

After a while, the scout dismounts, places his ear to the ground, and says, โ€œHumm, buffalo come.โ€

The ranger looks around with his binoculars but sees nothing.

โ€œI see nothing,โ€ he says to the scout, โ€œhow do you know buffalo are coming?โ€

โ€œEar sticky,โ€ says the scout.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An Australian aborigine owns a boomerang that will not return to him no matter how many times he throws it.

Frustrated, he seeks assistance from the witch doctor.

When the witch doctor asks where he obtained the boomerang, the aborigine says it was from a souvenir shop on Ayerโ€™s Rock.

The witch doctor says, โ€œYou bloody fool, didnโ€™t you see the sign by the cash register that says โ€˜NO RETURNSโ€™.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still donโ€™t know to whom that leg belonged.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The policeman told me he was chasing a man with one leg.

I told him to use both, he would get him faster.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I saw a one-legged man with no arms at the ATM today. He asked me to help him check his balance.

So I pushed the guy over.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On New Yearโ€™s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œIn the exam, you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question.โ€

Pupil: โ€œHow long for the answers, sir?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œI hope I didnโ€™t see you looking at Timโ€™s exam paper.โ€

Pupil: โ€œI hope you didnโ€™t see me either!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In your 20s: dress like youโ€™re on the catwalk!

In your 40s: dress like you walk cats.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


No woman should have kids after 40.

Really, 40 kids is more than enough!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The United States Marine Corps was started in Tun Tavern in Philadelphia in 1775. A poster was put up looking for men to volunteer.

The first man walked in, gave his name and took an oath. He was instructed to go wait out back until more recruits joined him.

He sat out back for a few minutes, and soon another young man came out and joined him.

The newcomer said to the first guy, โ€œWell, I guess weโ€™re in the Marine Corps now!โ€

The first guy said, โ€œSon, lemme tell you about the old Corps.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Akpos told his servant, โ€œGo and water the plants.โ€

Servant: โ€œItโ€™s already raining.โ€

Akpos: โ€œSo what, take an umbrella and go!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Akpos: โ€œWhy are all these people running?โ€

Man: โ€œThis is a race, the winner will get the cup.โ€

Akpos: โ€œIf only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A teacher lecturing on population said, โ€œIn the world, after every 10 seconds, a woman gives birth to a kid.โ€

Akpos stood up and said, โ€œWe must find and stop her!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œClass, choose between money and brain.โ€

Akpos: โ€œIโ€™d go for the money!โ€

Teacher: โ€œIโ€™d go for brain!โ€

Akpos: โ€œWell, everybody goes for what he doesnโ€™t have.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Akposโ€™s wife was busy singing in the bedroom.

Akpos: โ€œYou know, my dear, when you sing like that, I just wish you were on a radio.

Wife: โ€œWow, honey. Am I that good?โ€

Akpos: โ€œNo, at least on a radio I can change the station.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œIf your father has $10, and you

asked for $5, how much will your father

have?โ€

Akpos: โ€œ$10.โ€

Teacher: โ€œYou donโ€™t know maths.โ€

Akpos: โ€œYou donโ€™t know my father!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If you add the two numbers in your chronological age, you get your true age.

So youโ€™re 5 now, and you canโ€™t really argue the similarities. Five-year-olds have a tough time tying their shoes, can barely spell their own name, and need help reading!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œItโ€™s your birthday? How old are you?โ€ asks the manโ€™s friend.

โ€œIโ€™m seven and one-seventh,โ€ replies the man.

โ€œHowโ€™s that, you look about 50 to me?โ€ asks the friend.

โ€œEvery time I chat up a nice lady she calls me an old dog, so I figure I get to count age in dog years now!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when youโ€™re thankful when someone tells you that you have lipstick on your teeth because it means you still have teeth.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when your face has more wrinkles than an elephantโ€™s backside.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when you and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when you have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you canโ€™t see over your belly.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when you now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.

His mother says, โ€œMerci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?โ€

The boy says, โ€œNo mommy, itโ€™s nacho cheese.โ€

His mother says, โ€œAre you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.โ€

โ€œI know,โ€ says the boy, โ€œbut when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, โ€˜Hey, thatโ€™s nacho cheese!โ€™โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


This is ridiculous. Itโ€™s July 6th and people are still setting off fireworks.

One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An employeeโ€™s monthly salary was typically 2500$. However, one month, he received 2700$ and decided to remain silent about the discrepancy. The following month, his paycheck only amounted to 2300$, prompting him to march directly to the HR manager to voice his complaint.

The HR manager, somewhat puzzled, inquired why there hadnโ€™t been a complaint the previous month when an extra 200 had been received.

With a slight smirk, the individual responded, โ€œIโ€™m usually one to forgive the first mistake, but I simply canโ€™t tolerate it when a second one is made.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


HR: โ€œThis is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.โ€

Employee: โ€œDonโ€™t worry, Iโ€™m equally ashamed of it.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Employee: โ€œYour careers page says the company offers a competitive salary. What does that mean exactly?โ€

HR: โ€œThat means your salary will be competing with your bills.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driverโ€™s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

โ€œCan you read this?โ€ the optician asked.

โ€œWhat do you mean if I can read this?โ€ the Polish guy replied, โ€œI know the dude.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why couldnโ€™t the joker enter the shop?

Because there was a board outside stating โ€œNo funny businessโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œJohn, show us where North America is.โ€

John: โ€œHere it is.โ€

Teacher: โ€œGood! Now, class, who discovered North America?โ€

Class: โ€œJohn!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, โ€œYour cat got run over by a car and died.โ€

The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.

His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.

A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.

โ€œWhat?โ€ he asks.

His friend replies, โ€œYour grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A wife asks her husband, โ€œCould you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.โ€

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

โ€œWhy did you buy six cartons of milk?โ€ the wife asks.

He replies, โ€œThey had avocados.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I said to the gym teacher, โ€œCan you teach me to do the splits?โ€

He said, โ€œHow flexible are you?โ€

I said, โ€œI canโ€™t make Tuesdays.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I joined a gym and said to the trainer, โ€œI want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?โ€

He said, โ€œTry the ATM outside.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dear Justin Bieber haters, please respect him.

I owe my life to Justin.

Last August 16, 2014, I was in a coma for 4 months due to a terrible car accident. One day, my nurse turned the radio to Justinโ€™s song.

So I got up... and turned off the radio.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I hate those people who knock on your door and say โ€œYou need to get โ€˜savedโ€™ or youโ€™ll โ€˜burnโ€™โ€.

Stupid firemen.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A tip to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right and then to the left.

Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered something to eat.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side.

One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together, she asked me if she should change anything in her life.

I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better.

At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.

After the first day, I didnโ€™t see anything. To be expected, of course, these things take time.

Three days later, nothing.

A week later, nothing.

Two weeks later, and I finally started to see something.

Thank god for that, I thought she knocked the light out of my eyes for good.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I stayed in a hotel recently where the towels were so thick...

I could hardly close my suitcase.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.

I took in a breath and asked aloud, โ€œWhatโ€™s that smell?โ€

She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, โ€œChanel, 500 dollars an ounce.โ€ She turned away.

About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.

She turns to me and asks, โ€œWhatโ€™s that smell?โ€

I say, โ€œBroccoli, $1.49 a pound.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she wonโ€™t admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.

While sheโ€™s standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, โ€œWhatโ€™s for dinner, dear?โ€

When thereโ€™s no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.

Again thereโ€™s no response, so he moves right to his wifeโ€™s shoulder and asks, โ€œWhatโ€™s for dinner, dear?โ€

At this, his wife turns around angrily and says, โ€œFor the third time, sausages!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDoctor,โ€ a man told his psychiatrist, โ€œmy wife thinks Iโ€™m crazy because I like sausages.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s nonsense,โ€ said the psychiatrist. โ€œI like sausages myself.โ€

โ€œYou do!โ€ the man shrieked. โ€œYou should come and see my collection, Iโ€™ve got thousands!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I canโ€™t read anything.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, โ€œHey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. Iโ€™ll help you get the wagon up later.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s mighty nice of you,โ€ Willis answered, โ€œbut I donโ€™t think Pa would like me to.โ€

โ€œAw, come on, boy,โ€ the farmer insisted.

โ€œWell okay,โ€ the boy finally agreed, and added, โ€œbut Pa wonโ€™t like it.โ€

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host.

Willis: โ€œI feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t be foolish!โ€ the neighbor said with a smile. โ€œBy the way, where is he?โ€

Willis: โ€œUnder the wagon.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?

Because one more, and itโ€™d be too farty.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a true/false test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers.

The statistics professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coinโ€ฆ writing the answerโ€ฆ flipping the coinโ€ฆ writing the answer.

At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final, except for the one student.

The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying, โ€œListen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didnโ€™t even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?โ€

The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin), โ€œShhh! I am checking my answers!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was riding on the bus and reading an article about life and death statistics.

Then, fascinated, he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says, โ€œDid you know that every time I breathe, somebody dies?โ€

The fellow turns to him and says, โ€œHave you tried mouthwash?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend isnโ€™t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

Iโ€™m not sure how. I didnโ€™t even know it was her birthday.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Iโ€™ve opened three birthday cards, and Iโ€™m already $150 up.

I love being a postman!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chhattisgarh Minister: โ€œThe voters will get electric shock if they donโ€™t vote/press the button for Congress.

Villagers: โ€œAt least, electricity will come under this pretext.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I went out for a curry last week, I saw that the menu had about 20 different types of curry on it.

So I asked for a clean one.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Native American hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.

As they were driving along, the Native American noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents.

The city man replied, โ€œItโ€™s a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife.โ€

The Native American looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said, โ€œGood trade.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you know โ€œVegetarianโ€ is a Native American word?

It means โ€œLousy Hunterโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man and his family walk into a bar.

Inside the bar, the manโ€™s youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating โ€œWorldโ€™s longest memoryโ€.

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, โ€œWhat did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?โ€

The Native American states, โ€œEggs.โ€

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years later, when the child returns with his own family, he sees the same Native American at the bar.

Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical, โ€œHow!โ€

The Native American replies, โ€œScrambled.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Alcohol is a perfect solvent.

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Yearโ€™s Eve.

He asks the first police officer he sees, โ€œWhy am I here?โ€

โ€œFor drinking,โ€ replies the officer.

โ€œGreat,โ€ says the man, โ€œWhen do we start?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Alcoholics donโ€™t run in my family.

But sometimes they fall down the stairs.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œHi, my name is Bob, and Iโ€™m an alcoholic.โ€

โ€œSir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.โ€

โ€œI know, Iโ€™m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.

If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs donโ€™t turn into men when they drink.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husbandโ€™s key in the door.

โ€œStay where you are,โ€ she said. โ€œHeโ€™s so drunk he wonโ€™t even notice youโ€™re in bed with me.โ€

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife, โ€œHey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. Whatโ€™s going on?โ€

โ€œNonsense,โ€ said the wife. โ€œYouโ€™re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.โ€

The husband climbed out of bed and counted, โ€œOne, two, three, four. Youโ€™re right, you know.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, โ€œIโ€™ve got to take you in, sir. Youโ€™re obviously drunk.โ€

The wasted wino asked, โ€œOfficer, are ya absolutely sure Iโ€™m drunk?โ€

Yeah, buddy, Iโ€™m sure,โ€ said the copper. โ€œLetโ€™s go.โ€

Obviously relieved, the wino said, โ€œThatโ€™s a reliefโ€”I thought I was a cripple.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do retirees smile all the time?

Because they canโ€™t hear a word youโ€™re saying!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call someone whoโ€™s happy on Mondays?

Retired!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.

The boss felt sorry for him and didnโ€™t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.

He said to the worker, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?โ€

The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.

โ€œSir,โ€ he whispers, his throat feeling worse, โ€œPlease slow down, thereโ€™s a road crew up ahead.โ€

โ€œOkay,โ€ the driver whispers back, โ€œIโ€™ll try not to wake them.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.

The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartenderโ€™s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.

Finally, the man finds what heโ€™s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.

The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, โ€œIโ€™m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?โ€

To which the man replies surprised, โ€œOh no no everythingโ€™s fine! I just promised my wife Iโ€™d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. โ€œShe must be a poor old fool,โ€ he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.

After heโ€™s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, โ€œSo how many have you caught today?โ€ The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, โ€œYouโ€™re the eighth.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.

He says, โ€œYouโ€™ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?โ€ The bartender turns to the band and yells, โ€œFrank, Iโ€™ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy was in a bar drinking beer.

He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.

The guy says, โ€œAs soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as โ€œRockyโ€ in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.

โ€œArenโ€™t you the same โ€œRockyโ€ who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?โ€ I asked.

โ€œYes,โ€ he replied, โ€œbut now Iโ€™m the sequel. Iโ€™ll be back three more times tonight too.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two monsters went to a party.

Suddenly one said to the other, โ€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?โ€

โ€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.

One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

โ€œWho are you?โ€ he asked.

โ€œIโ€™m the Devil!โ€ she responded.

โ€œWell, come on home with me,โ€ he said, โ€œI married your sister.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Patient: โ€œDoctor, I think that Iโ€™ve been bitten by a vampire.โ€

Doctor: โ€œDrink this glass of water.โ€

Patient: โ€œWill it make me better?โ€

Doctor: โ€œNo, but Iโ€™ll be able to see if your neck leaks.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Doctor: โ€œWhoโ€™s my next patient?โ€

Nurse: โ€œMr. Ghost.โ€

Doctor: โ€œTell him I canโ€™t see right now.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I stopped by grandmotherโ€™s house and Iโ€™m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.

Sheโ€™s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess Iโ€™ll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasnโ€™t home.

Forget the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde crashed a helicopter.

The police officer asked her what happened.

She says, โ€œIt got cold, so I turned off the fan.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It was so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so cold, I farted snowflakes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so cold, you have to open the fridge to heat the house.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so cold, the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Patient: โ€œDoctor, doctor, I keep thinking Iโ€™m a snowman!โ€

Doctor: โ€œKeep cool.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One snowman said to another, โ€œIโ€™d heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One snowman asks another, โ€œHow do you stay in such good shape?โ€

He answers, โ€œAll I do is set the hairdryer on high heat and pounds just melt away.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?

A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A couple goes to an art gallery.

They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesnโ€™t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks: โ€œWhat are you waiting for?โ€

The husband replies, โ€œAutumn.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.

One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.

After supper she went out and put up a sign: โ€œBeware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!โ€

A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.

Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: โ€œNOW THERE ARE TWO!!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer. ย 

Alexโ€”a little boy of nineโ€”was playing ball in his yard.

He saw the farmer and asked, โ€œWhatโ€™ve you got in your trailer?โ€

โ€œManure,โ€ farmer Smith replied.

โ€œWhat are you going to do with it?โ€ asked Alex.

โ€œPut it on my pumpkins,โ€ answered the farmer.

Alex replied, โ€œYou ought to come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t pumpkins get into arguments?

Because they have no stomach for fighting.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?

Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A pharmacist looks out the front of the store and sees a woman holding a bottle jumping up and down in the parking lot.

The pharmacist walks out to the parking lot and asks the woman whatโ€™s the matter.

She replies, โ€œI saw it said โ€œShake Wellโ€ after I took it.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked because itโ€™s the most accurate way of measuring my weight.

If thatโ€™s true, I still donโ€™t get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The guy goes into a pub.

He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.

The barman says, โ€œWhy are you not drinking the other three pints?โ€

He says, โ€œDoctors orders.โ€

โ€œWhat do you mean by that?โ€ asks the barman.โ€

โ€œI am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.

The good news: For the next 3 months Iโ€™m protected against heartworms and fleas.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œAlcohol may intensify the effects of this medicationโ€

I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Ever had to force your dog into taking its medication?

Itโ€™s the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know youโ€™re up to something.

So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they donโ€™t bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes.

But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

Thatโ€™s scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I just got a job at a pharmacy. The pay isnโ€™t great...

But the percs are amazing!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of feminine product, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, โ€œSon, how old are you?โ€

โ€œEight,โ€ the boy replied.

The man continued, โ€œDo you know what these are used for?โ€

The boy replied, โ€œNot exactly, but they arenโ€™t for me. Theyโ€™re for him. Heโ€™s my brother. Heโ€™s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he canโ€™t do either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Lady says to pharmacist, โ€œWhy does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?โ€

Pharmacist replies, โ€œCause thatโ€™s all weโ€™ve documented so far.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A newborn pony walks into a pharmacy.

He asks the pharmacist, โ€œDo you have any Cepacol lozenges? Iโ€™m a little hoarse.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.

โ€œBe sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,โ€ the pharmacist says. โ€œDonโ€™t worry,โ€ replies the patient. โ€œIt takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The customer gets a topical cream.

Direction: Apply locally two times a day.

The customer says to the pharmacist, โ€œI canโ€™t apply locally, Iโ€™m going overseas.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into a pharmacy: โ€œI have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like Iโ€™m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?โ€

Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, โ€œDo you have any acetylsalicylic acid?โ€

โ€œYou mean aspirin?โ€ asked the pharmacist.

โ€œThatโ€™s it! I can never remember that word.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?

She said, โ€œGod was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?

He said, โ€œHey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you make a hot dog stand?

Take away its chair.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Customer: โ€œGive me a hot dog.โ€

Waiter: โ€œWith pleasure.โ€

Customer: โ€œNo, with sauerkraut!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.

โ€œGive me a couple of steaks,โ€ he says.

โ€œWeโ€™re out of steaks, but we have hot dogs and chicken,โ€ says the butcher.

โ€œHot dogs and chicken?!โ€ yells the hunter. โ€œHow can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hot dogs and chickens?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Son: โ€œDad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?โ€

Dad: โ€œBecause your mother loves Roses.โ€

Son: โ€œOh... OK. Thanks, Dad!โ€

Dad: โ€œNo problem, Costco Hot Dog.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I go to the store and buy ten hot dogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas.

If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self-control.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.

The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray โ€œTake only one, God is watchingโ€.

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child whispered to another, โ€œTake all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I havenโ€™t spoken a word to my wife in years.

She hates to be interrupted.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.

The wife and the mother-in-law.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Girlfriend: โ€œDarling, can I go out in this dress?โ€

Boyfriend: โ€œYes dear, itโ€™s already dark out.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why America failed to save the world from Coronavirus?

Thor is in Asgard.

Iron Man died.

Captain is now old.

Hulk doesnโ€™t have much power.

The rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona.

And China ate Spider-Man and Batman.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When we were children, we used to refer to our granddad as Spider-Man.

He didnโ€™t have any special powers, he just couldnโ€™t get out of the bath without any assistance.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Spider-Man 1: โ€œHomecomingโ€

Spider-Man 2: โ€œFar from Homeโ€

Spider-Man 3: โ€œHomelessโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Golfer: โ€œDo you think my game is improving?โ€

Caddy: โ€œYes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the childrenโ€™s activity center.

Itโ€™s like theyโ€™d never seen a naked man before.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking.

One blonde says to the other, โ€œWhich do you think is farther away Florida or the moon?โ€

The other blonde turns and says, โ€œHellooooooo, can you see Florida?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband says to his wife.

Husband: โ€œIโ€™m going down to the pub, get your coat on.

Wife: โ€œOoh, am I coming?โ€

Husband: โ€œNo, Iโ€™m turning the heating off.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It is so hot by the time I got home from buying eggs, I had twelve chicks in the bag.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot that you can tell who has plastic surgery.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with pot holders.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I got a haircut today, but Iโ€™m never going back to that barber.

I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a barbershop and asks, โ€œHow much for a haircut?โ€

โ€œTwelve dollars,โ€ says the barber.

โ€œAnd for a shave?โ€

โ€œTen dollars.โ€

โ€œAll right,โ€ says the man, settling into the barber chair. โ€œShave my head.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Hairdresser: โ€œWould you like a haircut?โ€

Boy: โ€œNo, Iโ€™d like them all cut.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Since quarantine Iโ€™ve not had a haircut. Hell, Iโ€™ve not even stepped on the scales.

So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.

Itโ€™s my wifeโ€™s birthday and I thought, โ€œWhat the hell! Iโ€™ll treat her.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?

A barberqueue!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut youโ€™ve ever seen.

โ€œGive me two shots of Jack Daniels,โ€ he says to the bartender. โ€œOne for me, and one for you.โ€

โ€œYou know, I donโ€™t drink on the job,โ€ the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, โ€œAnd thatโ€™s why I like you better than my barber!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.

One day, a spaceship with โ€œUFOโ€ written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.

The blondeโ€™s boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

โ€œDo you know what โ€œUFOโ€ stands for?โ€ He asks.

โ€œOf course.โ€ She replies, โ€œUnleaded Fuel Only.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

There have been sightings of UFOs.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Aliens: โ€œWeโ€™ve come to destroy the Earth.โ€

Greta: โ€œItโ€™s a bit late, right?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so fat when she farts scientists on Tatooine think the star around Coruscant just went supernova.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat she pooped out the Death Star!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mommaโ€™s so fat she uses Kamonians as toothpicks.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mammaโ€™s so fat I saw her using a Star Destroyer as an ironing board.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat she played basketball with the Death Star.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mommaโ€™s so fat the Millenium Falcon can hide in her belly button.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that you had to use a toothpick to compete in the javelin.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that I canโ€™t see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that when you get angry at people for making fun of you, all you can do is bite their ankles.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You are so short that you can do push-ups underneath a closed door.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You are so short you fell from curb and nearly dies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that you can save on rent by living in a dollโ€™s house.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short you could use a pillow as your bed and still have some wiggle room.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short she sat on a coin and her feet didnโ€™t touch the ground.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama is so short she doesnโ€™t roll dice she pushes them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she gotta use an elevator to go up each step.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mommaโ€™s hair is so short she curls the hair with a grain of rice.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short that she does pull-ups on a staple.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short that she can play handball on the curb.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short that when she sneezes she hits her head on the floor.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she committed suicide by jumping off the curb.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three kids one day found a magical slide.

There was a sign next to it saying โ€œwhatever you wish for comes true once you slide downโ€.

One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.

The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.

The third kid went down and said, โ€œWeeeeeeee!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If you were a food what would you be?

Friend 1: โ€œPizza because Iโ€™m so cheesy.โ€

Friend 2: โ€œChocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends.โ€

Me: โ€œDonut because Iโ€™m so empty inside.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a petrol station and says, โ€œCan I please have a KitKat Chunky?โ€

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

โ€œNo,โ€ says the man, โ€œI wanted a normal KitKat, fatty.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled โ€œThe Milky Bars are on me!โ€, people just cheered.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&Mโ€™s are protesting?

They start painting the m letters upside-down.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&Mโ€™s are protesting really hard?

They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Public Service Announcement:

โ€œIf you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggsโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

โ€œSon,โ€ said the man, โ€œeating too much candy isnโ€™t good for you.โ€

โ€œMy grandfather lived to be 100,โ€ Johnny replies.

โ€œDid he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œNo,โ€ said Johnny, โ€œHe minded his own damn business!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A bearded man walks into a bar, โ€œEverybodyโ€™s drinks are on me tonight!โ€

He then drank his beer, went to the restroom and shaved his beard.

later he went to the bartender and asked, โ€œHow much should I pay?โ€

โ€œNo, sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight.โ€

โ€œOk,โ€ and he left.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Then I said, โ€œYour beard makes you look thinner.โ€

...But that didnโ€™t seem to cheer her up.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I was a young boy, my father taught me how to be a bearded man.

He took me into the bathroom, picked up a razor, and ate it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.

โ€œFather, father look,โ€ the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. โ€œThe Americans have gone to the moon.โ€

The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, โ€œAll of them?โ€

โ€œNo, just 3,โ€ replies the kid.

โ€œDamn it!โ€ The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I am half Spider-Man, half batman and half moon knight...

Poor.

With no powers.

With mental disorders.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Son: โ€œHey dad, can you guess what is worse than no moon?โ€

Dad: โ€œNo sun?โ€

Son: โ€œYou donโ€™t even want to take a guess?โ€

Dad: โ€œNo sun!โ€

Son: โ€œYouโ€™re so stubborn, the answer is no sun.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.

So when he got home from school, I said to him, โ€œSteve, do you mind sitting down, Iโ€™ve got something to tell you.โ€

โ€œDad, guess what?!โ€ he shouted excitedly.

โ€œSteve, this is important.โ€ I urged.

โ€œNo way, Dad. Listen!โ€

โ€œSteve. Please. Donโ€™t make this hard for me. Itโ€™s about your mum and me.โ€

โ€œDad! Shut up! Iโ€™ve just won ยฃ250,000 on a scratch card!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s amazing son! Your old Dadโ€™s really made up for you!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.

So I rang her and said, โ€œGuess what, I won the jackpot.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios?

โ€œWow! Donut seeds!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.

He said, โ€œEnjoy the HOLE donut!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I went to Dunkinโ€™ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...

Iโ€™ve been banned for life from that shop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT!

IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER.

THE POLICE

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was on a Zoom meeting just now and my husband needed to go behind me, so he thoughtfully crawled to stay out of the camera, which means instead of seeing him walk by in his pajamas, my coworkers saw him crawl by in his pajamas.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My commute to work today was just awful!

Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The hardest part about working from home is the distractions, my girlfriend never stops talking to me while Iโ€™m on my PlayStation.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background.

So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.

Turns out he was asking whatโ€™s behind me on our Zoom call.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A brief rise in suicide is related to the Covid pandemic.

Murderers are working from home.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Coworker: โ€œDo you ever think about work at home?โ€

Me: โ€œI donโ€™t even think about work at work!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I canโ€™t work with idiots.

Thatโ€™s why I work from home and got rid of all the mirrors.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I donโ€™t work well under pressure...

...or any other circumstance.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.

Iโ€™m still employed. I just canโ€™t remember where.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take.

Donโ€™t get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I known it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system.

Uranus is between them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god?

Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When we go to the beach with the kids, we use a really strong sunblock.

Itโ€™s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a sausage whoโ€™s been sunbathing all day?

Done!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is another fancy name for a sun fart?

A solar flare.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruitโ€™s face and said, โ€œIโ€™ll bet youโ€™re wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, arenโ€™t you?โ€

And the recruit says, โ€œNo, sir! When I get out of the army Iโ€™m never gonna stand in another line again!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Son: โ€œDad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?โ€

Dad: โ€œNo sun.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Bread is like the Sun:

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A boyfriend asks his girlfriend, โ€œWhat gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentineโ€™s Day?โ€

โ€œWell, I donโ€™t knowโ€ she answers shyly.

โ€œOK, that I give you another year to think about it...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Boy: โ€œHey Beautiful, Can I have your number?โ€

Girl: โ€œNo, I have a boyfriend.โ€

Boy: โ€œBut Iโ€™m gay, can I have the number now?โ€

Girl: โ€œOh, okay! Hereโ€™s the number.โ€

Boy: โ€œThanks, Iโ€™m not really gay. Ha!โ€

Girl: โ€œThatโ€™s my boyfriendโ€™s number.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Boyfriend: โ€œDo you think my salary is sufficient for you?โ€

Girlfriend: โ€œItโ€™s sufficient for me but how will you survive?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Girl: โ€œWhat if a boy hugs me?โ€

Mom: โ€œSay โ€˜donโ€™tโ€™.โ€

Girl: โ€œWhat if he kisses me?โ€

Mom: โ€œSay โ€˜stopโ€™.โ€

The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DONโ€™T STOP!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Madonna is 54 and her boyfriendโ€™s 25.

Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriendโ€™s 26.

So if youโ€™re single itโ€™s ok, maybe heโ€™s just not born yet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Perfect Boyfriend:

ยท Does not drink.

ยท Does not smoke.

ยท Does not cheat.

ยท Does not exist.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Friend 1: โ€œDoes she have a boyfriend?โ€

Friend 2: โ€œYes, a cute, strong and clever one.โ€

Friend 1: โ€œWhatโ€™s the name?โ€

Friend 2: โ€œJohn, Michael and Bill.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.

His mother had Puritan principles.

The mother, as long as the girl was there, didnโ€™t even try to hide her dislike feelings for his sonโ€™s choice.

โ€œMom, can I escort Helen?โ€

The girl, waiting to hear a cold-hearted โ€œnoโ€, she surprised hear.

โ€œSure... You can! Escort her... to the corner with your eyes!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My boyfriend and I broke up.

He wanted to get married... I didnโ€™t want him to.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Boy: โ€œHey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend.โ€

Girl: โ€œI have a boyfriend.โ€

Boy: โ€œI have a math test tomorrow.โ€

Girl: โ€œWhat does that have to do with anything?โ€

Boy: โ€œI thought we were listing things we could cheat on.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was perusing the shelves at a toy store when a customer asked an employee where the video game section was.

After pointing it out, the employee asked, โ€œIs there anything specific youโ€™re looking for?โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ said the customer. โ€œMy boyfriend.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Girlfriend: โ€œOur new neighbor always kisses his girlfriend when he leaves for work. Why donโ€™t you do that?โ€

Boyfriend: โ€œHow can I? I donโ€™t even know her.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend just broke up with me over video games...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Boyfriend: โ€œI love you.โ€

Girlfriend: โ€œIs that you or the wine talking?โ€

Boyfriend: โ€œItโ€™s me talking to the wine.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I like to show my girlfriend whoโ€™s the boss in our house.

I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My boyfriend said he wanted more space.

So I locked him outside.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.

He replies, โ€œI forgot my wallet.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A T-Rex told his girlfriend, โ€œI love you this much,โ€ as he stretched out his arms.

To which the girlfriend replied, โ€œThatโ€™s not very much at all!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, โ€œIโ€™m going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?โ€

His wife answers, โ€œYes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.โ€

The man starts to leave, when his wife says, โ€œHoney, are you sure you donโ€™t want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.โ€

โ€œNo, no, Iโ€™m sure Iโ€™ll remember what you asked for.โ€

A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.

His wife says, โ€œWell, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.

โ€œWhatโ€™s your favorite flavor?โ€ asks the friend.

โ€œCharm,โ€ replies the physicist.

His friend looks at him.

โ€œWhy is it that whenever I ask you a question,โ€ begins the friend, โ€œyour answer is always strange?โ€

โ€œWell, itโ€™s strange โ€˜nowโ€™,โ€ the physicist protests, โ€œshouldnโ€™t have waited a picosecond.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.

Cashier: โ€œYou must be single, right?โ€

Me: โ€œYes! How did you know?โ€

Cashier: โ€œBecause youโ€™re ugly.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A bear walks into an ice cream shop.

Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?

Bear: Hi, Iโ€™d like a scoop of chocolate...

Ice cream man: ...

Bear: ...

Ice cream man: ...

Bear: ...chip.

Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, whatโ€™s with the pause?

Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Have you ever seen something so attractive and so hot that it makes you melt like ice cream when you see try to get close to it?

I havenโ€™t. I think Iโ€™m seeing stars.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The ice cream parlor asks for my order.

Parlor: โ€œHello Sir, can I take your order?โ€

Me: โ€œYes, Iโ€™d like a male hot fudge sundae please.โ€

Parlor: โ€œIโ€™m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?โ€

Me: โ€œYes, with nuts.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A beaver is eating an ice cream. He has a sour look on his face.

โ€œI wish Iโ€™d reached the stick already,โ€ he mumbles to himself.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor and asks, โ€œWhat flavors do you have?โ€

The attendant says, โ€œOver there on the signs on the wall, youโ€™ll see them all.โ€

Client goes, โ€œEhm, well Iโ€™ll have a cone with two scoops of โ€˜Mondays Closedโ€™.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.

The owner asks, โ€œWhich type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?โ€

The man replies, โ€œThe one in the freezer, Iโ€™m pretty sure itโ€™s warmer in there.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, โ€œThatโ€™s the fourth time youโ€™ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesnโ€™t it embarrass you?โ€

โ€œWhy should it?โ€ answered her spouse. โ€œI keep telling them itโ€™s for you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.

The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, โ€œOuch!โ€ and gripping his temples.

The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, โ€œOuch!โ€ and gripping his temples.

Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, โ€œOuch!โ€ and gripping her temples.

The Scarecrow says, โ€œWhatโ€™s the matter with you guys?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My sister said Iโ€™m being immature.

I guess she isnโ€™t getting her nose back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.

When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.

The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.

When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing โ€œHappy birthday!โ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œMan, my sinuses are on fire!โ€

โ€œAn allergy?โ€

โ€œNo, a metaphor.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors.

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesnโ€™t smell good.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.

He just replied, โ€œThatโ€™s because I use both my nostrils.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man went to the doctor and said, โ€œI think I am upside down.โ€

When the doctor asked why he felt like that, the man said, โ€œBecause my feet smell and my nose runs.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mommaโ€™s nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo moma so lazy she sticks her nose out the door and let the air blow it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s so stupid she combs the hair in her nose and not on her head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s nose is so big she can smell a fart coming.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s nose hairs are so long that they make Bobobo jealous!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s breath is so bad that when she talks her nose hairs fall out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When itโ€™s a snowmanโ€™s nose!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high... he just couldnโ€™t stop as fast.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party.

Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

โ€œNo one does that to a woman, not on my watch!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My poor dog doesnโ€™t have a big nose.

That makes him smell terrible.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An anteater walks into a bar.

โ€œHaving a nice day?โ€ asks the barman.

โ€œNoooooooo, noooooo, noooooo!โ€ says the anteater.

โ€œWhy the long nos?โ€ asks the barman.

โ€œItโ€™s always been like this,โ€ says the anteater.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man with a wooden eye is at a dance.

During a slow dance, he canโ€™t find a partner to dance with him.

He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose.

Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.

He approaches her and is frank with her, asking, โ€œWould you dance with me?โ€

Filled with excitement, she yells, โ€œWould I!โ€

Without missing a beat, the man retorts, โ€œBIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

And theyโ€™re off!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


All mushrooms are edible.

But some mushrooms are only edible once.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.

After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story... killed him.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You might be a barrel racer if:

ยท Your lucky shirt is held together with safety pins and duct tape.

ยท You take your own temperature and think 102 is normal...

ยท You can eat a taco on the way to a race and stay in the lines without dropping anything.

ยท Your husband says he has a backache and you head to the barn to get the Banamine and Bigel Oil.

ยท Your friend goes to borrow your hairbrush and has to pull horse hair out of it first.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.

The Doc looked him over and could see heโ€™d suffered some rough life.

โ€œHave you been in any accidents lately?โ€ he asked.

The cowboy thought about it for a moment, โ€œNo, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.โ€

โ€œYou donโ€™t call those accidents?โ€ said the doctor with incredulity.

โ€œNah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.

The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.

The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.

โ€œIs this horse unsound?โ€ they asked.

โ€œNot a bit,โ€ said the owner.

โ€œIn that case,โ€ asked the stewards, โ€œwhy have you never raced him before?โ€ โ€œMister,โ€ said the man from Idaho, โ€œwe couldnโ€™t even catch the critter until he was five years old.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The trainer was giving last-minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horseโ€™s mouth just as a steward walked by.

โ€œWhat was that?โ€ inquired the steward.

โ€œOh nothing,โ€ said the trainer, โ€œjust a poloโ€.

He offered one to the steward and had one himself.

After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions, โ€œJust keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A small boy tells his mum that his dadโ€™s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesnโ€™t believe him.

โ€œYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,โ€ she says.

โ€œWell he did,โ€ the boy replies, โ€œand one of the animals paid us ยฃ50.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.

โ€œYou got to ride him to win,โ€ the trainer says, โ€œbecause Iโ€™ve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.โ€

โ€œWill there be any room for me?โ€ the jockey asks.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.

โ€œWhat are you planning to do with that nag?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œRace it,โ€ replies the jockey, surprised.

โ€œWell, by the look of it,โ€ the man says, โ€œyouโ€™ll win!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.

One falcon turns to the other and says, โ€œMan, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.โ€

The second falcon turns back and says, โ€œYouโ€™d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Friend 1: โ€œI think my momโ€™s getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all.โ€

Friend 2: โ€œHow do you know?โ€

Friend 1: โ€œSheโ€™s learning to drive a bulldozer.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Sunday school teacher: โ€œTell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?โ€

Johnny: โ€œNo, maโ€™am, I donโ€™t have to. My momโ€™s a good cook.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut.

I said, โ€œWhy are you crying? Iโ€™m the one that has to find a new girlfriend.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I canโ€™t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oโ€™clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: โ€œAbdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?โ€

Abdul: โ€œSir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.โ€

Today is Abdulโ€™s farewell party.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was on the phone with my wife and said, โ€œIโ€™m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.โ€

After a twenty-second pause, I asked, โ€œYou still there sweetheart?โ€

She replied, โ€œYeah... but I donโ€™t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with earpiece).

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasnโ€™t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, โ€œJohnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?โ€

Little Johnny quickly replied, โ€œNBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.

On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?

He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy...

Getting up off the floor is another story.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Some people wake up finding messages like โ€œGood morning babyโ€.

I wake up with โ€œBattery full, Remove chargerโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I always wanted a life like a Disney princess.

I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Disney is updating a childrenโ€™s classic with a pandemic theme.

Itโ€™s called โ€œThe Never Ending Storyโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disneyโ€™s Up for Halloween.

Iโ€™ll dress up as an old guy and sheโ€™ll dress up as a tombstone.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Blonde enters the pharmacy.

โ€œDo you have a pregnancy test?โ€

โ€œYes, we do.โ€

โ€œAre questions hard?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, โ€œDo you sell carrots?โ€

The pharmacist, surprised, responds, โ€œNo, this is a pharmacy.โ€

The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.

This time, the man responds, โ€œAs I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.โ€

Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.

Annoyed, the pharmacist says, โ€œLook, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.โ€

On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, โ€œDo you sell carrots?โ€

Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard that its teeth get completely shattered.

The rabbit leaves... and comes back the next day,

โ€œDo ya seh cahot juys?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isnโ€™t a fan of protection.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Patient: โ€œDoctor, doctor! I see double!โ€

Doctor: โ€œSit on the chair please.โ€

Patient: โ€œWhich one?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man goes to the doctor and says, โ€œDoctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.โ€

And the doctor says, โ€œCan you describe the symptoms.โ€

And he says, โ€œYes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Patient: โ€œDoctor, doctor! Iโ€™ve swallowed my money!โ€

Doctor: โ€œTake this, and weโ€™ll see if thereโ€™s any change in the morning.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Patient: โ€œDoctor, doctor! Iโ€™ve broken my arm in three places!โ€

Doctor: โ€œWell, stop going to those places then.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, โ€œI donโ€™t do that sort of thing on my first date!โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ Bill replied with sarcasm, โ€œhow about on your last date?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband whispers to wife as theyโ€™re going to sleep, โ€œGood night, mother of six.โ€

โ€œGood night, father of one,โ€ she replies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Me: โ€œGood night, kids!โ€

Kids: โ€œGood night, dad!โ€

Me: โ€œGood night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!โ€

Wife (through radio under the bed): โ€œGood night!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I saw a lady in tears at the store.

She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.

I gave her 100$ because I felt sorry for her.

Plus I had just found about $1,600 in the parking lot.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile.

Turns out they prefer money.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.

After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marleyโ€™s head.

โ€œHow you like it?โ€ asked the barber.

โ€œReal fine,โ€ said the redneck. โ€œBut how about making it a little longer in the back?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.

Now, I didnโ€™t buy it and he certainly didnโ€™t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and went to the jewelers.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.

They believe itโ€™s Pharaoh Roche.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a workerโ€™s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.

Angrily she asked, โ€œIf you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?โ€

Quickly he replied, โ€œIf it was you who asked, Iโ€™d still have 4 pickles.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s black and white and green in the middle?

Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€ I asked her.

She replied, โ€œThis jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.โ€

I said, โ€œOkay, how about in the fridge?โ€

She said, โ€œNo, silly, thereโ€™s a little light inside.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit on another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked, โ€œWould you mind if I throw him a bit?โ€

โ€œNot at all,โ€ the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.

He comes upon a question:

What separates the head from the body?

Ahmed answers:

The axe.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I told my dad I couldnโ€™t believe Iโ€™d failed my biology exam.

He said, โ€œIโ€™m your mum!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

Heโ€™s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

โ€“ Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.

โ€“ Doesnโ€™t need heating.

But he still needs one more.

And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

โ€“ Has great packaging.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Where can you get 100% off on everything on Black Friday?

At home by not going out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


True love is like a pillow: you can hug it when youโ€™re in trouble, you can cry on it when youโ€™re in pain, you can embrace it when youโ€™re happy.

So when you need true love, Buy a pillow!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Love is like farting.

If you have to force it, itโ€™s going to end in a mess.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Love is a lot like peeing your pants.

Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDad, did you ever fall in love?โ€

โ€œYes, son. I did once.โ€

โ€œAnd, what happened?โ€

โ€œIn the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...

WRONG... What every woman really wishes for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The other day my friend messaged by saying, โ€œBro I have two pieces of bad news for you.โ€

I told him to combine them.

He replied, โ€œYour girlfriend is cheating on both of us.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One time I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message.

30 seconds later I heard my uncle crying in the next room...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Never laugh at your girlfriendโ€™s choices.

Youโ€™re one of them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend: โ€œMy girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.โ€

Me: โ€œHey babe, what do you wanna eat?โ€

Her: โ€œNothing.โ€

Me: Flies to Africa.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yeah, I like NFTs...

Nachos,

Fajitas &

Tacos.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Last night I made fish tacos.

They looked at them and just swam away.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My kids wonโ€™t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Priest: โ€œDonโ€™t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.โ€

Alcoholic: โ€œReally? What about the guy who sells the liquor?โ€

Priest: โ€œHe will also go to Hell.โ€

Alcoholic: โ€œOk, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?โ€

Priest: โ€œShe too will go to Hell.โ€

Alcoholic: โ€œIn that case, I have no problem going to Hell.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend keeps saying, โ€œEvery time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.โ€

I said, โ€œTry ordering Tacos instead.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.

Iโ€™m feeling canneloni right now.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friendโ€™s mustache.

Now sheโ€™s not talking to me.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Johnny yells upstairs: โ€œDad, thereโ€™s a salesman here with a mustache.โ€

โ€œTell him Iโ€™ve got one.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The worst part about being a giraffe...

Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when youโ€™re sinking into quicksand.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?

A six-foot toothbrush.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re riding a horse full speed, thereโ€™s a giraffe beside you, and youโ€™re being chased by a lion. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris invented the Giraffe when he roundhouse kicked a spotted Horse in the chin.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

โ€œBehave, my bubaleh,โ€ she says.

โ€œTake good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh!โ€

โ€œAnd come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.โ€

โ€œYour mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!โ€

At the end of the school day, the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.

โ€œSo what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?โ€

The boy answers, โ€œI learned my name is David.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A first-grade teacher canโ€™t believe her student isnโ€™t hepped up about the Super Bowl.

โ€œItโ€™s a huge event. Why arenโ€™t you excited?โ€

โ€œBecause Iโ€™m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,โ€ says the student.

โ€œWell, thatโ€™s a lousy reason,โ€ says the teacher. โ€œWhat if your parents were morons? What would you be then?โ€

โ€œThen Iโ€™d be a football fan.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The computer programmer to his son: โ€œHere, I brought you a new basketball.โ€

Son: โ€œThank you, daddy, but where is the userโ€™s guide?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s brown and very bad for your dental health?

A baseball bat.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?

Become an umpire.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When my boss asked me why I showed up late for our Zoom meeting, I told him that he wouldnโ€™t believe the network traffic.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Working from home. Day 1:

Thisโ€™ll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.

Day 8:

Engages in conversation with a lamp...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Working from home. Day 6.

Client: โ€œNo! This is unacceptable. I want to speak to one of your superiors.โ€

Me: โ€œMoooom!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after... and working from home.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The house cleaner told me that she was going to start working from home, so she sent me a list of chores.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I like to wrap myself in a blanket when I work from home.

You could say I now work undercover.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is Superman stupid?

Because he wears his underwear over his pants.

Why is Batman more stupid?

Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.

Why is Robin even more stupid?

Because he followed what batman did.

Why is Wonder Woman stupid?

Because she wears a belt on her head.

Why is Spider-Man the most stupid superhero of them all?

Because he wears his underwear over his head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My boss told me, โ€œDress for the job you want, not the job you have.โ€

Now Iโ€™m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Co-worker asked me, โ€œIf Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has superpowers, who would be the winners?โ€

Your Parents when you move out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Batman goes to a party. To his surprise, he sees that the Joker is there too.

โ€œHe must be up to something,โ€ he thinks. And so he sneaks up behind him, knocks him out, and puts him in a back room.

When walks out, he sees the Joker again.

โ€œHow did he recover so quickly?โ€ Once again he knocks him out and puts him in the back room.

Coming out a third time, he sees the Joker yet again.

โ€œHow can this be?!โ€ Now furious, Batman confronts him, grabs him by his vest, and shouts, โ€œWhat are you doing here, Joker?!โ€

And he replies, โ€œIโ€™m enjoying this Halloween party, dude!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.

They said, โ€œNo, just until the end of June.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend said Iโ€™m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.

What a Joker.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Albertโ€™s retirement party presentation.

โ€œToday we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company.

Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.

So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t retirees mind being called seniors?

The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.

Wife: โ€œWhat are you doing dear?โ€

Husband: โ€œSwatting flies. I got three males and two femalesโ€

Wife: โ€œHow on Earth do you know which gender they were?โ€

Husband: โ€œEasy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A pharmacist returns to his shop from lunch to find a man leaning against the wall.

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with him?โ€ He asks his assistant.

โ€œHe came in for some cough syrup,โ€ explains the assistant. โ€œBut I couldnโ€™t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.โ€

โ€œWhat!โ€ The pharmacist says, horrified. โ€œYou canโ€™t treat a cough with laxatives!โ€

โ€œOf course you can,โ€ the assistant declares. โ€œLook at him โ€“ heโ€™s far too scared to cough.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the manโ€™s face.

โ€œWhat did you do that for?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œWell, you donโ€™t have the hiccups anymore, do you?โ€

The man says, โ€œNo, but my wife out in the car still does!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.

Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just canโ€™t read his notes.

So, he says to the audience, โ€œIs there a pharmacist in the house?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, โ€œSir, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ€

The man gets really annoyed and says, โ€œOfficer, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman asks a waiter, โ€œWhat is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!โ€

The waiter says, โ€œShivering, madam.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.

I told her no. I ate it on the couch.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You are like dandruff because I just can not get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I am pretty sure that my algebra teacher is secretly a pirate.

He constantly is trying to find X.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?

8 pirates.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?

A rookie.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?

Right where ye left him!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do a man whoโ€™s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œWhere did you get this mushroom recipe?โ€ The husband asks his wife.

โ€œIn a detective novel,โ€ she answers.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is blue and lies under a mushroom?

Smurf poop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into the doctorโ€™s office.

A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.

The man says, โ€œDoc, this is terrible. Whatโ€™s wrong with me?โ€

The doctor says, โ€œWell, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

โ€œHow wonderful! I hope you donโ€™t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?โ€

โ€œHe ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ€

โ€œOh, how tragic! What about your second husband?โ€

โ€œHe also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ€

โ€œOh, how terrible! Iโ€™m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.โ€

โ€œHe died of a broken neck.โ€

โ€œA broken neck?โ€

โ€œHe wouldnโ€™t eat the mushrooms.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two menโ€”one a brunette and the other a blondeโ€”were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.

The brunette guy says, โ€œWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.โ€

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks โ€“ with no luck.

He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.

The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, โ€œYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that theyโ€™d never seen before.

Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, โ€œI wouldnโ€™t eat that if I were you.โ€

โ€œWhy not?โ€

โ€œI took one bite and went blind for half a minute.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t blondes eat bananas?

They canโ€™t find the zipper.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Broccoli: โ€œHey, I look like a tree.โ€

Mushroom: โ€œWow, I look just like an umbrella.โ€

Walnut: โ€œI look exactly like a brain.โ€

Banana: โ€œMan, can we change the topic please?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, โ€œGIVE US YER LOOTโ€?

They were both blonds.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Coach: โ€œYour roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!โ€

Football Player: โ€œCoach, It is just not true!โ€

Coach: โ€œWhat is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!โ€

Football player: โ€œCoach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.

I told him, โ€œOh, nothing. Itโ€™s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.โ€

My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, โ€œGee, I never knew you played football.โ€

I said, โ€œWell, I donโ€™t. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.

Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?

When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Look up โ€œribโ€ in the dictionary and it says โ€œTo vex, irritate or annoyโ€.

Look up โ€œribโ€ in the Bible and it says โ€œWomanโ€.

Coincidence?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Dominoโ€™s Pizza:

Customer: โ€œYoooo, I ordered a pizza and came with no toppings on it or anything, itโ€™s just bread!โ€

Dominoโ€™s: โ€œWeโ€™re sorry to hear about this.โ€

Customer (minutes later): โ€œNever mind, I opened the pizza upside down...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norrisโ€™ first job was as a paperboy.

There were no survivors.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Pizza Man: โ€œDo you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?โ€

Customer: โ€œYou better make it six. I donโ€™t think I can eat eight.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I burned 2000 calories today. I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.

Without any preliminaries, she said she wanted a divorce.

โ€œOn what grounds?โ€ asked the lawyer.

โ€œI donโ€™t think he is faithful to me,โ€ she replied.

โ€œAnd what makes you think he isnโ€™t faithful?โ€ asked the lawyer.

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the young lady, โ€œI donโ€™t think he is the father of my child.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


This guy was sitting in his attorneyโ€™s office.

His lawyer says, โ€œDo you want the bad news first or the terrible news?โ€

โ€œGive me the bad news first,โ€ he says.

โ€œYour wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,โ€ his lawyer informs him.

โ€œThatโ€™s the bad news?โ€ asks the man incredulously. โ€œI canโ€™t wait to hear the terrible news.โ€

โ€œThe terrible news is that itโ€™s of you and your secretary.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How did the teacher find out that Shohag copied Danikaโ€™s exam paper?

Because when Danika said โ€œI donโ€™t knowโ€, Shohag said โ€œMe neitherโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?

Because school is only 6 hours a day!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy is standing in the street shouting out, โ€œI am God! I am God!โ€

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.

Walking up to the guy he asks, โ€œWhat is your name?โ€

โ€œI am God,โ€ the guy replies getting agitated.

The social worker says, โ€œCalm down. Why donโ€™t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.โ€

As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, โ€œOh God, not you again!?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wife: โ€œI dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?โ€

Husband: โ€œOf course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I love summer in Canada!

Itโ€™s my favorite day of the year!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Retail job interview (2012).

โ€œWhere do you see yourself in 10 years?โ€

โ€œYou mean after the global pandemic or before the war?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s true women do make less money than men. But itโ€™s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.

Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.

Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:

right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do SEOs love the farmers market?

Lots of organic content!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I got a job at a paperless office.

Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy.

The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following, โ€œMr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of ยฃ1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to ยฃ1,100.โ€

The student said, โ€œI see. The ethics question is โ€˜Do I tell the client?โ€™โ€

โ€œWrong answer! The question is โ€˜Do I tell my partner?โ€™โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.

His friend asks, โ€œDidnโ€™t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?โ€

The businessman replies, โ€œThatโ€™s the accountant weโ€™re looking for.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?

Lazy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you donโ€™t understand.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

โ€œDoctor, I just canโ€™t get to sleep at night,โ€ he says.

โ€œHave you tried counting sheep?โ€ inquires the doctor.

โ€œThatโ€™s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Man tries to open a bank account.

Teller asks him, โ€œYour name?โ€

โ€œJ-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.โ€

โ€œOh, you stutter?โ€

โ€œNo, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At the bank, I told the cashier, โ€œI would like to open a joint account.โ€

He asked, โ€œWith whom?โ€

I answered, โ€œWith whomsoever has lots of money.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self wonโ€™t be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum.

โ€œSpare some loose change?โ€ asks the bum.

โ€œAnd why should I do that?โ€ asks the accountant.

โ€œBecause Iโ€™m broke. Havenโ€™t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,โ€ says the bum.

โ€œI see,โ€ says the accountant. โ€œAnd how does this compare to the same quarter last year?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Mama always said โ€œWork until your bank account looks like a phone number.โ€

Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.

Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend has an OnlyFans account and itโ€™s doing really well.

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do brides cry at the wedding?

Because they never marry the best man.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A little boy asked his father, โ€œDaddy, how much does it cost to get married?โ€

And the father replied, โ€œI donโ€™t know, son, Iโ€™m still paying for it.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I asked my wife, โ€œWhere do you want to go for our anniversary?โ€

She said, โ€œSomewhere I have never been!โ€

I told her, โ€œHow about the kitchen?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.

That way you can keep your hands warm when youโ€™re pushing it home in the winter!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, โ€œMy door is always open!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?

By the time she got home, it was toast!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.

The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuckโ€™s gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.

All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.

While heโ€™s waiting a friend sees him and asks what heโ€™s doing.

โ€œIโ€™m waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in,โ€ Says the idiot.

โ€œNo wonder people call you an idiot,โ€ says the friend. โ€œHow do you know itโ€™s not coming in from the other gate?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do women like men with beards?

Because they immediately see something that they can change!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t men with beards need a vacuum?

Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.

The loser had to go live in the North Pole.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.

Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

โ€œWho is it?โ€ a passenger asks the captain.

โ€œI have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An onion just told me a joke.

I donโ€™t know whether to laugh or cry.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.

It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.

Thatโ€™s when I realized my entire life is a joke...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.

Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, โ€œHey.โ€

The horse said, โ€œNah, just beer, please. I just ate.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asked him, โ€œWhy the long face?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, โ€œYour money or your life!โ€

The student keeps walking and says, โ€œSorry mate, Iโ€™m a computer science student. I donโ€™t have either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, โ€œExcuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?โ€

The Harvard student replies, โ€œAt Harvard, you donโ€™t end a sentence with a preposition.โ€

The kid said, โ€œSorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It was the first day of school.

Harryโ€™s mother went into his bedroom and said, โ€œCome on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.โ€

โ€œBut I donโ€™t want to go to school,โ€ replied Harry, โ€œI want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?โ€

โ€œBecause,โ€ answered his mother, โ€œyouโ€™re a teacher!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œTake a seatโ€.

Student: โ€œWhere do you want me to take it to?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What would happen if you took the school bus home?

The police would make you bring it back!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Who should be your best friend at school?

Your princi-pal!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?

Because he wanted to see how long he slept!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dear Students,

I know when you are texting in class. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?

Keep trying until you get a reaction.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teachers deserve a lot of credit.

Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldnโ€™t need it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.

She used to say โ€œYou shall not pass!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.

The colleague asked, โ€œWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?โ€

To which the statistics teacher responded, โ€œWell, statistically speaking, youโ€™re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In high school, teachers had to raise their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, โ€œNow Iโ€™ll show you this frog in my pocket.โ€

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.

He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, โ€œThatโ€™s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The judge rose from the bench and said, โ€œMadam, Iโ€™ve waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.โ€

Then he smiled as he said, โ€œNow, sit down at that table and write 500 times โ€˜I will not pass through a red light.โ€™โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she wonโ€™t let me sleep in class.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I said to my teacher, โ€œI donโ€™t think I deserved a zero for this exam.โ€

She said, โ€œI agree, but I couldnโ€™t give you any less.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher says โ€œSpit your gum out!โ€ and the train says โ€œChew, chew!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Boss: โ€œDo you believe in life after death?โ€

Employee: โ€œNo, because there is no proof of it.โ€

Boss: โ€œWell there is now!โ€

Employee: โ€œHow?โ€

Boss: โ€œWhen you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncleโ€™s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Weโ€™ll see about that.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his backyard.

The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.

โ€œHello Johnny, what are you up to?โ€ he asked.

โ€œMy goldfish died and Iโ€™m gonna bury him,โ€ Johnny replied.

โ€œThatโ€™s a really big hole for a goldfish, isnโ€™t it?โ€ asked the neighbor.

โ€œThatโ€™s because heโ€™s inside your cat!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t fish like playing basketball?

They are terrified of nets.

โ€‹

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Math teacher: โ€œJames, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?โ€

James: โ€œA Headache maโ€™am.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.

He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Never fight a math teacher. Youโ€™ll always be outnumbered.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

โ€œIf I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?โ€, he asked her.

The secretary replied, โ€œEverything but my earrings.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


85% of people in America donโ€™t know basic math.

Thanks God Iโ€™m from the other 25%.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Math teacher: โ€œIf I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?โ€

Student: โ€œA drinking problem.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t Romans find algebra interesting?

X is always 10.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems, Iโ€™m tired of solving them for you.

Thanks!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was going to buy a pocket calculator.

But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dear Math,

I am sick and tired of finding your โ€œxโ€. Just accept the fact that sheโ€™s gone. Move on dude.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... sheโ€™s imaginary.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

Start with a large fortune.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

โ€œWill I be able to race this horse again?โ€ he asks.

The vet replies: โ€œOf course you will, and youโ€™ll probably win!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œHorsp.โ€

โ€œHorsp, who?โ€

Did you just say โ€œhorse poo?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the owner name his racehorse โ€œBad Newsโ€?

Because bad news travels fast.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œMum, I just won this phone in a race!โ€

โ€œWho was in the race?โ€

โ€œThe owner of the phone and the police. I think theyโ€™re at the door to congratulate me.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is the internet like a motor racing crash?

There are spoilers everywhere.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why canโ€™t tomatoes win races against lettuce?

Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...

Theyโ€™re too fast. Iโ€™d never win.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, โ€œWhat do you do?โ€

I replied, โ€œI race motorcycles.โ€

She asked further, โ€œDo you usually win many races?โ€

I said, โ€œNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.โ€โ€ฌ

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I first realized I was going bald when it started taking longer and longer for me to wash my face.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so ugly her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?

No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde enters a library.

She goes to the counter and says, โ€œIโ€™ll like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.โ€

The librarian says, โ€œMaโ€™am this is a library.โ€

So the blonde leans in and whispers, โ€œIโ€™d like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I hate when Iโ€™m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Age is important only if youโ€™re cheese and wine.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, โ€œOrder!โ€

So I replied, โ€œFried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.โ€

Now Iโ€™m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.

โ€œSure,โ€ the airline agent said, โ€œas long as you provide your own kennel.โ€

She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was perplexed.

โ€œIโ€™ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?

Because he was a German shepherd.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?

A friend you can count on.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who falls overboard and canโ€™t swim?

Bob.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?

Lilly.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?

Frank.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?

Claude.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?

Phil.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?

Eve.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?

Lou.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?

Neal.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?

Chuck.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?

Rob.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?

Between you and I, something smells.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?

Getting a scare-cut!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess why football stadiums are so cool?

Most seats have a fan on them!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?

A โ€œBโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess whoโ€™s not allowed in my tree house anymore.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?

โ€œCome on, ketch-up!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was trying to solve a few equations about circles. Guess what?

It was pointless.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.

So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?

She couldnโ€™t do either.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?

None โ€“ they gave up.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Diet day 1:

I removed all the fattening food from my house.

It was delicious.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wife: โ€œI look fat. Can you give me a compliment?โ€

Husband: โ€œYou have perfect eyesight.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDad, I donโ€™t want to go to school today,โ€ said the boy.

โ€œWhy not, son?โ€

โ€œWell, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.โ€

โ€œBut why donโ€™t you want to go today?โ€

โ€œBecause our English teacher died yesterday!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeareโ€™s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

โ€œHello.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is the longest word in the English language?

โ€œSmilesโ€. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.

Theyโ€™re normally around 90 degrees.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, โ€œWhat are your parentsโ€™ names?โ€

The student replied, โ€œMy fatherโ€™s name is Laughing and my motherโ€™s name is Smiling.โ€

The teacher said, โ€œAre you kidding?โ€

The student said, โ€œNo, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.

Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A couple goes to the cinema.

โ€œTwo tickets, please,โ€ says the man.

โ€œHobbit?โ€ asks the cashier lady.

โ€œNo, thatโ€™s my wife.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, โ€œDo you have frog legs?โ€

The waiter looks offended, โ€œNo, Iโ€™ve always walked like that!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, โ€œI think weโ€™ll have to call it a day. Thereโ€™s no way weโ€™re getting it inside.โ€

The neighbor looks at him slowly, โ€œWait, inside?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why shouldnโ€™t you tell an egg a joke?

Because it might crack up!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?

His father was hard-boiled.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.

After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in.

He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldnโ€™t fix.

I suggested, โ€œBreak its legs.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The only clan thing you find in a well cleaned big nose is fingerprints.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.

I guess thatโ€™s why they moo.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was the man with the big nose sad?

He could really smell his feet!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the worst thing about having a big nose?

Birds are always perching on it!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your nose is so big that when you lie on your back in the pool, people think itโ€™s a shark!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do anteaters never get colds?

Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s worse than having a big nose?

Having a big nose and tiny hands!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you do when you break your leg in two places?

Quit going to those two places!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning in the ocean?

He was just too far out, man.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid when she threw a grenade at me, I pulled the pin and threw it back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so stupid she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so stupid she cut holes in her umbrella to see if it was raining.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so stupid she yelled into an envelope because she wanted to send a voicemail.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so stupid I told her Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so small she has to wear a torn napkin as a dress.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she has to hold a sign up that says โ€œDonโ€™t spit, I canโ€™t swimโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old she rode dinosaurs to school.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

Itโ€™s very time-consuming.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, โ€œDo you mind if I put some music on?โ€

I said, โ€œNot at all.โ€

He said, โ€œโ€˜Kiss?โ€™โ€

I said, โ€œLetโ€™s listen to the music first and see how we feelโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My neighbors listen to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How much is the moon worth?

One dollar, because it has four quarters.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What dance do all astronauts know?

The moonwalk.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?

Make them stub their toe.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does nobody trust the man on the moon?

He has a dark side.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which is older, the moon or the sun?

The moon, because it can stay out all night.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œSpell.โ€

โ€œSpell, who?โ€

โ€œOkay, okay: W. H. O.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œI eat mop.โ€

โ€œI eat mop, who?โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s revolting!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWho's there?โ€

โ€œHo, ho.โ€

โ€œHo ho, who?โ€

โ€œYou know, your Santa impression could use a little work.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWho's there?โ€

โ€œFBI.โ€

โ€œFB...โ€

โ€œWe're asking the questions here.โ€

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Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œSomebody too short to ring the doorbell!โ€

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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.

I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, โ€œHoney thereโ€™s a witch at the door. What shall I do?โ€

She shouted back, โ€œJust give her some candy and tell her to get lost.โ€

My mother-in-law hasnโ€™t spoken to me since.

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Iโ€™m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.

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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately.

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Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

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Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

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Chuck Norris once ate a Rubikโ€™s Cube and pooped it out solved.

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When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.

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There is no chin behind Chuck Norrisโ€™ beard. There is only another fist.

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A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.

โ€œWhat are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!โ€ The policeman says.

The next week he stops the same car to see that the man still has the lynx, โ€œI thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.โ€ He says.

โ€œI did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!โ€

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A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to an old ladyโ€™s door.

She answers and he says, โ€œIโ€™m so sorry, I ran over your cat. Iโ€™d like to replace it.โ€

The old woman says, โ€œOkay, how good are you at catching mice?โ€

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What did one flea say to the other?

โ€œShall we walk or take the cat?โ€

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The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

โ€œExcuse me for disturbing you, maโ€™am,โ€ he said politely, โ€œbut I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and Iโ€™ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s right.โ€

โ€œEvery day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.โ€

โ€œWell, today is his birthday.โ€

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The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

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Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!

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Why shouldnโ€™t you pick a green alien for your baseball team?

Theyโ€™re not ripe yet.

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I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.

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What is an alienโ€™s favorite place on a computer?

The space bar.

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If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?

Fleas.

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Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?

Because it has got less calories.

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One alien says to another, โ€œThe dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.โ€

The second alien replies, โ€œAre they an emerging intelligence?โ€

The first alien says, โ€œI donโ€™t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.โ€

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Why do aliens not eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

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Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, youโ€™ll be a mile away and youโ€™ll have their shoes.

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Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.

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Your mama so short people thought she was a Funko Pop.

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Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun sweat.

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Yo mama so hot when she got into the Arctic Ocean it turned into a hot tub.

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Your mama so hot when she visits Antarctica locals call it summertime.

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Your mama so hot rangers banned her from National Parks for starting forest fires.

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Your mama so hot her hugs give third-degree burns.

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Your mama so hot scientists deemed her the leading cause of global warming.

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Your mama so dumb she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.

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Your mama so dumb she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

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Your mama so dumb she sits on the TV and watches the couch!

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Your mama so dumb she watches โ€œThe Three Stoogesโ€ and takes notes.

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Your mama so dumb she bought a solar-powered flashlight.

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Your mama so old she farts dust!

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Your mama so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick!

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Your mama so old when she was young, rainbows were black and white!

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Your mama so old her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!

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Yo mama so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!

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Your mama so ugly when she walks into a bank they turn off the cameras.

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Your mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest they said "Sorry, no professionals".

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Your mama so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.

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Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

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Your mama so fat she sat on a dollar and when she got up there were 4 quarters.

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Your mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says โ€œto be continuedโ€.

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Your mama so fat she gets group insurance!

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Your mama so fat a picture of her would fall off the wall!

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Yo Mama's appetite is so huge she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.

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Yo Mama's so disgusting she keeps maggots as pets.

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Yo momma's arm-pits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.

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Your mama's got a leather wig with suede sideburns.

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Teacher: โ€œNow class, if you are dumb, please stand up.โ€

No one stands up.

Teacher: โ€œOh cโ€™mon. I know someone over here is dumb.โ€ Waves her finger around the left side of the room.

Little Johnny stands up.

Teacher: โ€œOh, Johnny, you think youโ€™re dumb?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œNo, I just feel bad youโ€™re standing alone.โ€

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You so dumb you have to stop during track workouts to ask for directions.

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You so dumb you once tried to exchange a bib number because you thought the whole thing was printed upside down.

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Man: โ€œGod, why did you make woman so beautiful?โ€

God: โ€œSo you would love her?โ€

Man: โ€œBut God, why did you make her so dumb?โ€

God: โ€œSo she would love you?โ€

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When Chuck Norris was a baby, he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.

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When Chuck Norrisโ€™s parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.

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When the Tooth fairy comes to your house, she takes your tooth and gives you money.

When Chuck Norris comes to your house, he breaks your tooth and takes your money.

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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.

Itโ€™s now called Red Bull.

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Chuck Norris doesnโ€™t read books.

He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

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Yo daddy is so stupid that he got locked in a grocery store and starved!

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When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesnโ€™t hire stupid people.

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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.

I picked a guyโ€™s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

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My father was stupid.

He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

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A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, โ€œI brought some water so we donโ€™t get dehydrated.โ€

The redhead says, โ€œI brought some suntan lotion so we donโ€™t get sunburned.โ€

Then the blonde says, โ€œI brought a car door.โ€

The other girls ask, โ€œWhy did you bring that?โ€

The blonde says, โ€œSo I can roll down the window if it gets hot.โ€

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A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, โ€œWhoโ€™s the strongest in here?!โ€

The toughest guy looks at him and says, โ€œI am the strongest around here!โ€

The other guy politely asks, โ€œCan you help me push my car to the gas station?โ€

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What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?

A Ford Siesta.

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I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.

Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.

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I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

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At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunnyโ€™s lap.

When it was his turn, Jake didnโ€™t move, he just stared.

โ€œDonโ€™t you want to sit on the bunnyโ€™s lap?โ€, I asked.

โ€œNo!โ€, he shouted. โ€œThereโ€™s a man in his mouth!โ€

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At the family reunion.

Boy: โ€œIโ€™m here to talk about our family, but Mom always taught me that if I donโ€™t have anything nice to say, I shouldnโ€™t say anything at all. Good Day.โ€

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The dad says, โ€œA man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.โ€

The kid replies, โ€œI hope one day I can be a man just like mom!โ€

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Good moms let you lick the beaters.

Great moms turn them off first.

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What is a Jewsโ€™ biggest dilemma?

Free Pork.

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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

Somebody dropped a shekel!

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Why are synagogues round?

So the Jews canโ€™t hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.

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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says โ€œConvert to Christianity and weโ€™ll give you $100.โ€

The one says to the other, โ€œShould we do it?โ€

The other says โ€œNo! Are you crazy?โ€

The first guy replies โ€œHey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... Iโ€™m gonna do it.โ€

So he walks into the church, and a little while later, he walks back out.

The friend says โ€œWell, did you get the money?โ€

He replies โ€œOh thatโ€™s all you people think about, isnโ€™t it?โ€

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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?

Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

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How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?

The players donโ€™t yell โ€œFore!โ€ they yell โ€œ$3.99!โ€.

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Whatโ€™s a Jews favorite band?

Nickelback.

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In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?

When it graduates from medical school.

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A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.

His father replied, โ€œTen dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, Iโ€™d be happy to give you a dollar, hereโ€™s a quarter.โ€

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Why do Jews have big noses?

Because the air is free.

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Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?

He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, โ€œHey kids, do you want to buy some toys?โ€

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How does every racist joke start?

By looking over your shoulder!

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Whatโ€™s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

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I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.

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โ€œSomebody just gave me a shower radio.โ€

โ€œDo you really want music in the shower?โ€

โ€œI guess thereโ€™s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.โ€

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Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?

To reach the high notes.

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Why is a piano so hard to open?

Because the keys are on the inside.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.

The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adamโ€™s ribs.

Later in the week, the boyโ€™s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.

His reply was priceless, โ€œMom, I have a pain in my sideโ€”I think Iโ€™m getting a wife.โ€

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A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.

While in the church, the girl asked her mother, โ€œWhy is the bride dressed in white?โ€

The mother replied to the girl, โ€œBecause white is the color of happiness and itโ€™s the happiest day of her life today.โ€

After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, โ€œBut, then why is the groom wearing black?โ€

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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, โ€œWhat are you doing? Sneakers wonโ€™t help you outrun that bear.โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t need to outrun the bear,โ€ the first guy says. โ€œI just need to outrun you.โ€

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I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.

I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.

When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, โ€œSon, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.โ€

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After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.

When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.

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I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...

I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. Itโ€™s been 4 days, Iโ€™m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.

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The boss said I should go home because I really donโ€™t look good.

I donโ€™t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.

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What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt!

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How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?

Theyโ€™re all girls! If they were boys, theyโ€™d be uncles.

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Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, โ€œWhatโ€™s the word on the street?โ€

โ€œOnce my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.โ€

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

One says, โ€œIโ€™ll have an H2O please.โ€

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Me: โ€œWhatโ€™s the Wi-Fi password?โ€

Bartender: โ€œYou need to buy a drink first.โ€

Me: โ€œOK, Iโ€™ll have a Coke.โ€

Bartender: โ€œThree dollars.โ€

Me: โ€œThere you go. So whatโ€™s the Wiโ€‘Fi password?โ€

Bartender: โ€œYou need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.โ€

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Two dragons walk into a bar.

The first one says, โ€œIt sure is hot in here.โ€

His friend snaps back, โ€œShut your mouth!โ€

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So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, โ€œHey, this is a singles bar.โ€

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A skunk fell into the river and stank to the bottom.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

Thereโ€™s no menuโ€”you get what you deserve.

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What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Gummybear.

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Whatโ€™s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?

A tire.

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Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!

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You canโ€™t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.

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Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youโ€™re signing someoneโ€™s cast.

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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

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Why are hockey players like goldfish?

You could tap on the glass and youโ€™d get their attention.

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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

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An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.

โ€œJust jump out the window,โ€ a man yells. โ€œIโ€™m a baseball player. I can catch you.โ€

โ€œWait,โ€ she says. โ€œWhat team do you play for?โ€

โ€œThe Cincinnati Reds,โ€ shouts the man.

โ€œEhhhh,โ€ shrugs the woman. โ€œIโ€™ll take my chances with the fire.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?

If he raises them both, heโ€™d fall down.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you have against some people?

Wellโ€ฆ for example, knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenadesโ€ฆ

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do not be racist, be like Mario.

Heโ€™s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that theyโ€™ll play a game with the kids. Theyโ€™ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.

At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.

โ€œWell,โ€ he says, โ€œitโ€™s what mommy calls me sometimesโ€.

The little girl screams, โ€œDonโ€™t eat it! Itโ€™s an asshole!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Customer: โ€œWaiter, this food tastes kind of funny.โ€

Waiter: โ€œThen why arenโ€™t you laughing?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the best thing to put into a pie?

Your teeth!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A manโ€™s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

โ€œLook, being a vice president isnโ€™t that special,โ€ she said. โ€œThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!โ€

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, โ€œGet me the vice president of peas!โ€

The clerk replied, โ€œFresh, canned, or frozen?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?

To get another rib.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.

The cashier said, โ€œThereโ€™s no way I can take this. Itโ€™s fake.โ€

Johnny said, โ€œWell, the carโ€™s not real either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Daisy: โ€œWhy do you have two different colored socks on? Oneโ€™s blue, but the other is green.โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œIโ€™m not sure. Itโ€™s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Johnnyโ€™s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child.

She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, โ€œJohnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.โ€

Little Johnny looks up to her and says, โ€œWell miss, you canโ€™t say that you werenโ€™t warned.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œHow far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œAbout 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

โ€œMama, look what I found,โ€ the boy called out.

โ€œWhat have you got there, dear?โ€

With astonishment in the young boyโ€™s voice, he answered, โ€œI think itโ€™s Adamโ€™s underwear!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If God really made everythingโ€ฆ

Heโ€™s Chinese, right?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, โ€œWhere is God?โ€

The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, โ€œWhere is God?โ€

The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.

Eventually, his brother found him and asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€

The crying boy replied, โ€œWeโ€™re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canโ€™t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

โ€œPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!โ€

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

โ€œNever mind. Found one!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.

His wife said, โ€œWell what about your friend Clyde?โ€

The man replied, โ€œWould you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you arenโ€™t looking?โ€

โ€œNo, I guess not,โ€ replied his wife.

The man said, โ€œNeither would Clyde.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two friends talking:

โ€œHey, can I borrow some money? Iโ€™m broke.โ€

โ€œGet money from your job.โ€

โ€œI got fired.โ€

โ€œWhy?โ€

โ€œMy boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Patient: โ€œDoctor, doctor! You told me to drink my medicine after my bath but I couldnโ€™t manage it.โ€

Doctor: โ€œWhy not?โ€

Patient: โ€œWell after I drank my bath I didnโ€™t have room for the medicine!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man frantically calls the doctor and says, โ€œMy wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!โ€

โ€œIs this her first child?โ€ the doctor responds.

The man replies, โ€œNo! This is her husband!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Patient: โ€œDoctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?โ€

Doctor: โ€œYes, of course.โ€

Patient: โ€œGreat! I never could before!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Doctor: โ€œIโ€™ve got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live.โ€

Patient: โ€œWhat could be worse news than that?โ€

Doctor: โ€œIโ€™ve been trying to contact you for the last 6 days.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband: โ€œI had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.โ€

Friend: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s really impressive! What did she say?!โ€

Husband: โ€œCome out from under that sofa, you coward!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.

Woman: โ€œI need to buy some arsenic.โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWhy do you need arsenic?โ€

Woman: โ€œI need arsenic because I want to give it to my husband.โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWHAT?โ€

Woman: โ€œYou heard me! I want to give it to my husband!โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWhy on earth would you want to do that?โ€

Woman: โ€œBecause heโ€™s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWell why didnโ€™t you tell me you had a prescription?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth 0 times and I havenโ€™t fit in my pants since March.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A child asked his father, โ€œHow were people born?โ€

So his father said, โ€œAdam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.โ€

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, โ€œWe were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.โ€

The child ran back to his father and said, โ€œYou lied to me!โ€

His father replied, โ€œNo, your mom was talking about her side of the family.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before Marriage.

Boy: โ€œAh at last. I can hardly wait.โ€

Girl: โ€œDo you want me to leave?โ€

Boy: โ€œNo, don't even think about it.โ€

Girl: โ€œDo you love me?โ€

Boy: โ€œOf Course. Always have and always will.โ€

Girl: โ€œHave you ever cheated on me?โ€

Boy: โ€œNever. Why are you even asking?โ€

Girl: โ€œWill you kiss me?โ€

Boy: โ€œHell no. Are you crazy?โ€

Girl: โ€œCan I trust you?โ€

Boy: โ€œYes.โ€

Girl: โ€œDarling!โ€

After Marriageโ€ฆ (Read from bottom to top)

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Earth is the third planet from the sun.

By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?

Mario Sunburnt!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œI wanna be the sun of your life!โ€

โ€œThen stay at 1 000 000 km of me!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?

Turn into bacon.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.

Murphy objected, โ€œIf you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!โ€

โ€œWhat do you think we are, stupid?โ€ Declan replied, โ€œWeโ€™ll send our

man at night!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then itโ€™s a soap opera.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!ย 

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€ ย 

โ€œAmish.โ€ย 

โ€œAmish, who?โ€ ย 

โ€œReally? You donโ€™t look like a shoe!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œEurope.โ€

โ€œEurope, who?โ€

โ€œNo, YOUโ€™RE a poo!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œCash.โ€

โ€œCash, who?โ€

โ€œNo thanks, but Iโ€™d love some peanuts.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œInterrupting cow.โ€

โ€œInterrup...โ€

โ€œMoooooooo!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œTank.โ€

โ€œTank, who?โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re welcome!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.

Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are spiders so smart?

They can find everything on the web.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?

Inflation.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?

The Exterminator.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons.

If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.

She asks him: โ€œLittle Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?โ€

He: โ€œLike the moon.โ€

The teacher: โ€œThatโ€™s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peacefulโ€.

Little Johnny: โ€œNo, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?

He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is the moon constantly moody?

Sheโ€™s just going through a phase.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What insect comes from the moon?

A Luna Tick!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your momma so short she takes a shower in a raindrop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so short she canโ€™t say a thing without a microphone!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so short when she plays Fortnite she can hide under the freaking store.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she has to slam dunk her bus fare.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so hot doctors say her blood type is lava.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so hot when Electra and Haspiel saw her, they burned to death.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama is so hot I gotta wear oven mitts to touch her.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so hot she makes jalapeรฑos cry.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun look like Antarctica.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so dumb she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so dumb and hungry the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama is so dumb when dad said itโ€™s chilly outside she brought a spoon and a bowl.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so dumb when yโ€™all were driving to Disneyland she saw a sign that said โ€œDisneyland leftโ€ so she went home.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma is so dumb she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma is so old I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo Mama is so old Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so ugly that most Snapchat filters make her better looking.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so ugly she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama is so ugly she made One Direction go in another direction.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your momma so ugly when she looks in the mirror the reflection ducks!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma is so stupid when I said โ€œDrinks are on the houseโ€ she got a ladder.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s so stupid she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said โ€œconcentrateโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldnโ€™t find the โ€œCALLโ€ button.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo Mamaโ€™s so stupid she thinks Los Angeles is where God lives with all his angels.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid I said โ€œKool-Aidโ€ and she jumped through the wall.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s so fat when she fell I didnโ€™t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so fat that the National Weather Service names each of her farts.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, โ€œI need your weight, not your phone number.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so fat she canโ€™t reach her back pocket.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat when she died she broke the stairway to heaven.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so scary you thought the monsters in your closet were friends.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s so fat I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid she tried to save a fish from drowning.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why didnโ€™t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?

He didnโ€™t have the stomach for it!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a witchโ€™s garage?

A broom closet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When youโ€™re a mouse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are ghosts terrible liars?

You can see right through them!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t mummies have friends?

Because theyโ€™re too wrapped up in themselves.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Where should a 500-pound alien go?

On a diet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œWhich book has helped you the most in your life?โ€

Student: โ€œMy fatherโ€™s checkbook.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, โ€œPapa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I canโ€™t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess thatโ€™s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkeyโ€”heโ€™s always stuffed.

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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, โ€œAnd what would you like for Christmas?โ€

The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, โ€œDidn't you get my E-mail?โ€

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Why does the programmer think the Grinchโ€™s attitude isnโ€™t bad?

He says itโ€™s in beta.

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Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress.

So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, โ€œMay I try on that dress in the window, please?โ€

โ€œCertainly not, madamโ€, responded the salesgirl, โ€œYouโ€™ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.โ€

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What goes โ€œOh, Oh, Ohโ€?

Santa walking backwards!

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

โ€œIs there anything breakable in here?โ€, asked the postal clerk.

โ€œOnly the Ten Commandmentsโ€, answered the lady.

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Why didnโ€™t Noah ever go fishing?

He only had two worms.

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A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, โ€œI canโ€™t get the mower to start!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s because you have to curse to get it started,โ€ says the man.

โ€œIโ€™m a man of the cloth. I donโ€™t even remember how to curse.โ€

โ€œYou keep pulling on that rope, and itโ€™ll come back to you.โ€

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Which king liked to do things on his own?

Solo-mon.

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Why didnโ€™t the chicken cross the road?

Because there was a KFC on the other side.

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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, โ€œWhoโ€™s first?โ€

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Psychiatrist: โ€œWhat seems to be the problem?โ€

Patient: โ€œI think I'm a chicken.โ€

Psychiatrist: โ€œHow long has this been going on?โ€

Patient: โ€œEver since I came out of my shell.โ€

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Why did the cat like eating lemons?

Because he was a sourpuss.

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Why are cats better than babies?

Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.

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What does a cat have that no other animal has?

Kittens.

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Why do cats always win video games?

Because they have nine lives!

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Why do cats hate laptops?

They donโ€™t have a mouse.

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Why donโ€™t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they canโ€™t find the number eleven on their phone.

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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

You tell her a joke on Wednesday.

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A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

After walking along for a while they eventually found a lamp and rubbed it.

A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home.

Poof! She was transported back home.

The brunette wished to be back at home with her family.

Poof! She was magically transported back home.

The blonde then says, โ€œAww, I wish my friends were here.โ€

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Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

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When I was born I was so surprised I didnโ€™t talk for a year and a half.

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Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?

Because there is a hole in one.

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I used to be a boy trapped in a womanโ€™s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

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Forget about the past, you canโ€™t change it.

Forget about the future, you canโ€™t predict it.

Forget about the present, I didnโ€™t get you one.

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Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?

They always forget to take off the candles.

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How does the German baker greet his customers?

Gluten Morgen!

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Can a dog jump higher than a house?

Well, duh. Houses canโ€™t jump.

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Whatโ€™s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

Oops!

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There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who canโ€™t.

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Why are colds bad criminals?

Because theyโ€™re easy to catch.

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Why donโ€™t dogs make good dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

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