Enjoy our team's carefully selected Short Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.
And they’re off!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
The ambulance.
😄 😄 😄
All mushrooms are edible.
But some mushrooms are only edible once.
😄 😄 😄
A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.
After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.
The morel of the story.. killed him.
😄 😄 😄
You might be a barrel racer if:
· Your lucky shirt is held together with safety pins and duct tape.
· You take your own temperature and think 102 is normal...
· You can eat a taco on the way to a race and stay in the lines without dropping anything.
· Your husband says he has a backache and you head to the barn to get the Banamine and Bigel Oil.
· Your friend goes to borrow your hairbrush and has to pull horse hair out of it first.
😄 😄 😄
A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.
“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”
“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.
“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”
😄 😄 😄
Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.
The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.
The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.
“Is this horse unsound?” they asked.
“Not a bit,” said the owner.
“In that case,” asked the stewards, “why have you never raced him before?” “Mister,” said the man from Idaho, “we couldn’t even catch the critter until he was five years old.”
😄 😄 😄
The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse’s mouth just as a steward walked by.
“What was that?” inquired the steward.
“Oh nothing,” said the trainer, “just a polo”.
He offered one to the steward and had one himself.
After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions, “Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me.”
😄 😄 😄
A small boy tells his mum that his dad’s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesn’t believe him.
“Your dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,” she says.
“Well he did,” the boy replies, “and one of the animals paid us £50.”
😄 😄 😄
A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.
“You got to ride him to win,” the trainer says, “because I’ve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.”
“Will there be any room for me?” the jockey asks.
😄 😄 😄
My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.
😄 😄 😄
A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.
“What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.
“Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised.
“Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “You’ll win!”
😄 😄 😄
Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.
One falcon turns to the other and says, “Man, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.”
The second falcon turns back and says, “You’d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.”
😄 😄 😄
Friend 1: “I think my mom’s getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all.”
Friend 2: “How do you know?”
Friend 1: “She’s learning to drive a bulldozer.”
😄 😄 😄
Sunday school teacher: “Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”
Johnny: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut.
I said, “Why are you crying? I’m the one that has to find a new girlfriend.”
😄 😄 😄
I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
😄 😄 😄
The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but
yesterday, this conversation happened.
Boss: “Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?”
Abdul: “Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.”
Today is Abdul’s farewell party.
😄 😄 😄
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”
After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
She replied, “Yeah... but I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”
😄 😄 😄
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with ear piece).
😄 😄 😄
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, “Johnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!”
😄 😄 😄
In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.
On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...
😄 😄 😄
What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?
He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.
😄 😄 😄
On Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy...
Getting up off the floor is another story.
😄 😄 😄
Some people wake up finding messages like “Good morning baby”.
I wake up with “Battery full, Remove charger”.
😄 😄 😄
I always wanted a life like a Disney princess.
I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day.
😄 😄 😄
Disney is updating a children’s classic with a pandemic theme.
It’s called “The Never Ending Story”.
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.
I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.
😄 😄 😄
Blonde enters the pharmacy.
“Do you have pregnancy test?”
“Yes, we do.”
“Are questions hard?”
😄 😄 😄
A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”
The pharmacist, surprised, responds, “No, this is a pharmacy.”
The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.
This time, the man responds, “As I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.”
Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.
Annoyed, the pharmacist says, “Look, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.”
On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”
Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard its teeth get completely shattered.
The rabbit leaves, and comes back the next day.
“Do ya seh cahot juys?”
😄 😄 😄
Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.
She clearly isn’t a fan of protection.
😄 😄 😄
“Doctor, doctor! I see double!”
“Sit on the chair please.”
“Which one?”
😄 😄 😄
A man goes into the doctors and says, “Doctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.”
And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms.”
And he says, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”
😄 😄 😄
“Doctor, doctor! I’ve swallowed my money!”
Take this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.
😄 😄 😄
“Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”
Well, stop going to those places then.
😄 😄 😄
All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, “I don’t do that sort of thing on my first date!”
“Well,” Bill replied with sarcasm, “how about on your last date?”
😄 😄 😄
Husband whispers to wife as they’re going to sleep, “Good night, mother of six.”
“Good night, father of one,” she replies.
😄 😄 😄
Me: “Good night, kids!”
Kids: “Good night, dad!”
Me: “Good night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!”
Wife (through radio under the bed): “Good night!”
😄 😄 😄
I saw a lady in tears at the store.
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.
I gave her 100$ because I felt sorry for her.
Plus I had just found about $1,600 in the parking lot.
😄 😄 😄
I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile.
Turns out they prefer money.
😄 😄 😄
Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.
After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley’s head.
“How you like it?” asked the barber.
“Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”
😄 😄 😄
The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
😄 😄 😄
One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road.
He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.
“What are those big bulges in your running shorts?” she asked.
“Tennis balls,” answered the man, smiling back.
“Wow,” said the blonde, looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable.”
😄 😄 😄
My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn’t buy it and he certainly didn’t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewelers.
😄 😄 😄
Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.
They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.
😄 😄 😄
After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?”
Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 pickles.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s black and white and green in the middle?
Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.
😄 😄 😄
I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickle.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her.
She replied, “This jar of pickle says to store it in a cool, dark location.”
I said, “Okay, how about in the fridge?”
She said “No, silly, there’s a little light inside.”
😄 😄 😄
A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.
A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked, “Would you mind if I throw him a bit?”
“Not at all,” the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.
😄 😄 😄
Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.
He comes upon a question:
What separates the head from the body?
Ahmed answers:
The axe.
😄 😄 😄
I told my dad I couldn’t believe I’d failed my biology exam.
He said , “I’m your mum!”
😄 😄 😄
During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
He’s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
– Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.
– Doesn’t need heating.
But he still needs one more.
And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
– Has great packaging.
😄 😄 😄
Where can you get 100% off on everything on Black Friday?
At home by not going out.
😄 😄 😄
True love is like a pillow: you can hug it when you’re in trouble, you can cry on it when you’re in pain, you can embrace it when you’re happy.
So when you need true love, Buy a pillow!
😄 😄 😄
Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, it’s going to end in a mess.
😄 😄 😄
Love is a lot like peeing your pants.
Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.
😄 😄 😄
“Dad, did you ever fall in love?”
“Yes, son. I did once.”
“And, what happened?”
“In the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.”
😄 😄 😄
Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...
WRONG... What every woman really wish for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.
😄 😄 😄
The other day my friend messaged by saying, “Bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.”
I told him to combine them.
He replied with, “Your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”
😄 😄 😄
One time I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message.
30 seconds later I heard my uncle crying in the next room...
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
😄 😄 😄
Never laugh at your girlfriend’s choices. You’re one of them.
😄 😄 😄
My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.”
Me: “Hey babe, what do you wanna eat?”
Her: “Nothing.”
Me: Flies to Africa.
😄 😄 😄
Yeah, I like NFTs...
Nachos,
Fajitas &
Tacos.
😄 😄 😄
Last night I made fish tacos.
They looked at them and just swam away.
😄 😄 😄
My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
😄 😄 😄
Priest: Don’t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.”
Alcoholic: “Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor?”
Priest: “He will also go to Hell.” Alcoholic: “Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and put’s out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?” Priest: “She too will go to Hell.” Alcoholic: “In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.”
😄 😄 😄
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
Im feeling canneloni right now.
😄 😄 😄
I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend’s mustache.
Now she’s not talking to me.
😄 😄 😄
Little Johnny yells upstairs: “Dad, there’s a salesman here with a moustache.”
“Tell him I’ve got one.”
😄 😄 😄
The worst part about being a giraffe...
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
😄 😄 😄
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A six-foot toothbrush.
😄 😄 😄
You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe beside you, and you’re being chase by a lion. What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel!
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris invented the Giraffe when he roundhouse kicked a spotted Horse in the chin.
😄 😄 😄
A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
“Behave, my bubaleh,” she says.
“Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh!”
“And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.”
“Your mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!”
At the end of the school day the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
“So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?”
The boy answers, “I learned my name is David.”
😄 😄 😄
A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl.
“It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”
“Then I’d be a football fan.”
😄 😄 😄
The computer programmer to his son:
“Here, I brought you a new basketball.”
Son:
“Thank you, daddy, but where is the user’s guide?”
😄 😄 😄
What’s brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
😄 😄 😄
How did the blonde die at the baseball game?
She drowned during the wave.
😄 😄 😄
What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?
Become an umpire.
😄 😄 😄
When my boss asked me why I showed up late for our Zoom meeting, I told him that he wouldn’t believe the network traffic.
😄 😄 😄
Day 1:
This’ll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.
Day 8:
Engages in conversation with a lamp...
😄 😄 😄
Working from home. Day 6.
Client: “No! This is unacceptable. I want to speak to one of your superiors.”
Me: “Moooom!”
😄 😄 😄
There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after... and working from home.
😄 😄 😄
The house cleaner told me that she was going to start working from home, so she sent me a list of chores.
😄 😄 😄
I like to wrap myself in a blanket when I work from home. You could say I now work undercover.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Superman stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants.
Why is Batman more stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.
Why is Robin even more stupid?
Because he followed what batman did.
Why is Wonder Woman stupid?
Because she wears a belt on her head.
Why is Spiderman the most stupid superhero of them all?
Because he wears his underwear over his head.
😄 😄 😄
My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”
Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spiderman.
😄 😄 😄
Co-worker asked me, “If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?”
Your Parents when you move out.
😄 😄 😄
Batman goes to a party. To his surprise, he sees that the Joker is there too.
“He must be up to something,” he thinks. And so he sneaks up behind him, knocks him out, and puts him in a back room.
When walks out, he sees the Joker again.
“How did he recover so quickly?” Once again he knocks him out and puts him in the back room.
Coming out a third time, he sees the Joker yet again.
“How can this be?!” Now furious, Batman confronts him, grabs him by his vest, and shouts, “What are you doing here, Joker?!”
And he replies, “I’m enjoying this Halloween party, dude!”
😄 😄 😄
I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.
They said, “No, just until the end of June.”
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend said I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.
What a Joker.
😄 😄 😄
Albert’s retirement party presentation.
“Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company.
Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.
So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?
The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
😄 😄 😄
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
😄 😄 😄
A pharmacist returns to his shop from lunch to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” He asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” explains the assistant. “But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.”
“What!” The pharmacist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”
😄 😄 😄
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
“What did you do that for?” the man asks.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”
The man says, “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”
😄 😄 😄
A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.
Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just can’t read his notes.
So, he says to the audience, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”
😄 😄 😄
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
😄 😄 😄
A woman asks a waiter, “What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!”
The waiter says, “Shivering, madam.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
😄 😄 😄
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
😄 😄 😄
You are like dandruff because I just cannot get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.
😄 😄 😄
I am pretty sure that my algebra teacher is secretly a pirate.
He constantly is trying to find X.
😄 😄 😄
A pirate was on his ship and his watchman comes to him and says, “1 enemy ship on the horizon.”
The captain says, “Bring me my red shirt, no men get injured or die.”
So the watchman comes to him and asks, “Why did you want your red shirt?”
The captain says, “Because if I get injured they won’t see and keep on fighting.”
So the watchman comes to him again and says, “20 enemy ships on the horizon.”
The captain says, “Bring me my brown pants.”
😄 😄 😄
What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?
8 pirates.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?
A rookie.
😄 😄 😄
Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him!
😄 😄 😄
What does a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.
😄 😄 😄
“Where did you get this mushroom recipe?” Husband asks his wife.
“In a detective novel,” she answers.
😄 😄 😄
What is blue and lies under a mushroom?
Smurf poop.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into the doctor’s office.
A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.
The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
😄 😄 😄
Two men — one a brunette and the other a blonde — were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.
The brunette guy says, “What works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato and put it in your swim trunk.”
The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks – with no luck.
He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.
The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, “You stupid! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!”
😄 😄 😄
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
They can’t find the zipper.
😄 😄 😄
Broccoli: “Hey, I look like a tree.”
Mushroom: “Wow, I look just like an umbrella.”
Walnut: “I look exactly like a brain.”
Banana: “Man, can we change the topic please?”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.
😄 😄 😄
Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, “GIVE US YER LOOT!”
They were both blonds.
😄 😄 😄
Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
😄 😄 😄
Coach: “Your roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!”
Football Player: “Coach, It is just not true!”
Coach: “What is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!”
Football player: “Coach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!”
😄 😄 😄
When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, “Oh, nothing. It’s just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.”
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, “Gee, I never knew you played football.”
I said, “Well, I don’t. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...”
😄 😄 😄
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
😄 😄 😄
When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?
When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
😄 😄 😄
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
😄 😄 😄
Look up “rib” in the dictionary and it says “To vex, irritate or annoy”.
Look up “rib” in the Bible and it says “Woman”.
Coincidence?
😄 😄 😄
A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: “Yoooo, I ordered a pizza and came with no toppings on it or anything, it’s just bread!”
Domino’s: “We’re sorry to hear about this.”
Customer (minutes later): “Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down...”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy.
There were no survivors.
😄 😄 😄
Pizza Man: “Do you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?” Customer: “You better make it six. I don’t think I can eat eight.”
😄 😄 😄
I burned 2000 calories today. I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
😄 😄 😄
Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.
😄 😄 😄
A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.
Without any preliminaries she said she wanted a divorce.
“On what grounds?” asked the lawyer.
“I don’t think he is faithful to me,” she replied.
“And what makes you think he isn’t faithful?” asked the lawyer.
“Well,” replied the young lady, “I don’t think he is the father of my child.”
😄 😄 😄
My interviewer leaned back in his chair and said, “Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
“But I never went to college,” I replied.
“Well then, I’m sorry. You are underqualified to work here,” he said, as he showed me the door.
😄 😄 😄
This guy was sitting in his attorney’s office.
His lawyer says, “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?”
“Give me the bad news first,” he says.
“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,” his lawyer informs him.
“That’s the bad news?” asks the man incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”
😄 😄 😄
How did the teacher find out that Shohag copied Danika’s exam paper?
Because when Danika said “I don’t know”, Shohag said “Me neither”.
😄 😄 😄
Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?
Because school is only 6 hours a day!
😄 😄 😄
A guy is standing in the street shouting out, “I am God! I am God!”
The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.
Walking up to the guy he asks, “What is your name?”
“I am God,” the guy replies getting agitated.
The social worker says, “Calm down. Why don’t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.”
As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, “Oh God, not you again!?”
😄 😄 😄
Wife: “I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?”
Husband: “Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.”
😄 😄 😄
I love summer in Canada!
It’s my favorite day of the year!
😄 😄 😄
Retail job interview (2012).
“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”
“You mean after the global pandemic or before the war?”
😄 😄 😄
It’s true women do make less money than men. But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs.
Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.
Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
😄 😄 😄
If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:
right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.
😄 😄 😄
Why do SEO’s love the farmers market?
Lots of organic content!
😄 😄 😄
I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
😄 😄 😄
An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy.
The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following, “Mr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of £1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to £1,100.”
The student said, “I see. The ethics question is ‘Do I tell the client?’”
“Wrong answer! The question is ‘Do I tell my partner?’”
😄 😄 😄
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
😄 😄 😄
What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand.
😄 😄 😄
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
😄 😄 😄
Man tries to open a bank account.
Teller asks him, “Your name?”
“J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.”
“Oh, you stutter?”
“No, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!”
😄 😄 😄
At the bank, I told the cashier, “I would like to open a joint account.”
He asked, “With whom?”
I answered, “With whomsoever has lots of money.”
😄 😄 😄
Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.
Well luckily for me my future self won’t be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.
😄 😄 😄
An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum.
“Spare some loose change?” asks the bum.
“And why should I do that?” asks the accountant.
“Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.
“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”
😄 😄 😄
Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”
Well I did it! Bank balance: 911!
😄 😄 😄
I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.
Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend has an OnlyFans account and it’s doing really well.
I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.
😄 😄 😄
Why do brides cry at the wedding?
Because they never marry the best man.
😄 😄 😄
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday!
😄 😄 😄
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
😄 😄 😄
The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.
That way you can keep your hands warm when you’re pushing it home in the winter!
😄 😄 😄
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, “My door is always open!”
😄 😄 😄
What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?
By the time she got home it was toast!
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.
The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible.
All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
😄 😄 😄
A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.
While he’s waiting a friend sees him and asks what he’s doing.
“I’m waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in,” Says the idiot.
“No wonder people call you an idiot,” says the friend. “How do you know it’s not coming in from the other gate?”
😄 😄 😄
Why do women like men with beards?
Because they immediately see something that they can change!
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.
😄 😄 😄
Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.
The loser had to go live in the north pole.
😄 😄 😄
Usually when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.
Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.
😄 😄 😄
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”
😄 😄 😄
An onion just told me a joke.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
😄 😄 😄
Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.
It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.
😄 😄 😄
Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
That’s when I realized my entire life is a joke...
😄 😄 😄
I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.
😄 😄 😄
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.
Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
😄 😄 😄
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer please. I just ate.”
😄 😄 😄
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asked him, “Why the long face?”
😄 😄 😄
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, “Your money or your life!”
The student keeps walking, and says, “Sorry mate, I’m a Computer Science student. I don’t have either.”
😄 😄 😄
A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, “Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?”
The Harvard student replies, “At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.”
The kid said, “Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?”
😄 😄 😄
It was the first day of school.
Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”
“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”
“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”
😄 😄 😄
When you walk in to class and your teacher says “Take a seat”.
Response: “Where do you want me to take it to?”
😄 😄 😄
What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
😄 😄 😄
Who should be your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
😄 😄 😄
Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to see how long he slept!
😄 😄 😄
Dear Students,
I know when you are texting in class. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.
😄 😄 😄
What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?
Keep trying until you get a reaction.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
😄 😄 😄
Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
😄 😄 😄
My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.
She used to say “You shall not pass!”
😄 😄 😄
There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.
One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable at his driving.
The colleague asked, “Why do you always drive so fast through intersections?”
To which the statistics teacher responded, “Well, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!”
😄 😄 😄
In high school, teachers had to raise up their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.
😄 😄 😄
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”
😄 😄 😄
The judge rose from the bench and said, “Madam, I’ve waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”
Then he smiled as he said, “Now, sit down at that table and write 500 times ‘I will not pass through a red light.’”
😄 😄 😄
My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.
😄 😄 😄
I said to my teacher, “I don’t think I deserved zero for this exam.”
She said, “I agree, but I couldn’t give you any less.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says “Spit your gum out!” and the train says “Chew, chew!”
😄 😄 😄
Boss: “Do you believe in life after death?”
Employee: “No, because there is no proof of it.”
Boss: “Well there is now!”
Employee: “How?”
Boss: “When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle’s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.”
😄 😄 😄
My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.
😄 😄 😄
One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
“Hello Johnny, what are you up to?” he asked.
“My goldfish died and I’m gonna bury him,” Johnny replied.
“That’s a really big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbor.
“That’s because he’s inside your cat!”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t fish like playing basketball?
They are terrified of nets.
😄 😄 😄
Math Teacher: “James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?”
James: “A Headache ma’am.”
😄 😄 😄
I complained to my Maths teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.
He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.
😄 😄 😄
Never fight a math teacher. You’ll always be outnumbered.
😄 😄 😄
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”, he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
😄 😄 😄
85% of people in America don’t know basic math.
Thanks God I’m from the other 25%.
😄 😄 😄
Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
Student: “A drinking problem.”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t Romans find algebra interesting?
X is always 10.
😄 😄 😄
Dear math,
Please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
Thanks!
😄 😄 😄
I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.
😄 😄 😄
Dear Math,
I am sick and tired of finding your “x”. Just accept the fact that she’s gone. Move on dude.
😄 😄 😄
My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... she’s imaginary.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make a small fortune out of horses?
Start with a large fortune.
😄 😄 😄
A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.
“Will I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks.
The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Horsp.”
“Horsp, who?”
Did you just say “horse poo?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the owner name his racehorse “Bad News”?
Because bad news travels fast.
😄 😄 😄
“Mum, I just won this phone in a race!”
“Who was in the race?”
“The owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”
😄 😄 😄
Why is the internet like a motor racing crash?
There are spoilers everywhere.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?
Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes!
😄 😄 😄
I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...
They’re too fast. I’d never win.
😄 😄 😄
I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, “What do you do?”
I replied, “I race motorcycles.”
She asked further, “Do you usually win many races?”
I said, “No, the bikes are much faster than I am.”
😄 😄 😄
I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.
😄 😄 😄
I first realized I was going bald when it started taking longer and longer for me to wash my face.
😄 😄 😄
Yo’ mama is so ugly, her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.
😄 😄 😄
What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?
No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!
😄 😄 😄
A blonde enters a library.
She goes to the counter and says, “I’ll like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.”
The librarian says, “Ma’am this is library.”
So the blonde leans in and whispers, “I’d like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.”
😄 😄 😄
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
😄 😄 😄
Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.
😄 😄 😄
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
😄 😄 😄
It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, “Order!”
So I replied, “Fried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.”
Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.
😄 😄 😄
A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.
“Sure,” the airline agent said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”
She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was perplexed.
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?
Because he was a German shepherd.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a guy who falls overboard and can’t swim?
Bob.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lilly.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?
Frank.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?
Claude.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?
Phil.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?
Eve.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?
Lou.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a guy who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?
Rob.
😄 😄 😄
Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?
Between you and I, something smells.
😄 😄 😄
I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?
Getting a scare-cut!
😄 😄 😄
Guess why football stadiums are so cool?
Most seats have a fan on them!
😄 😄 😄
Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?
A “B”.
😄 😄 😄
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
😄 😄 😄
Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?
My ex!
😄 😄 😄
I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?
Pneumonia!
😄 😄 😄
The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
😄 😄 😄
I was trying to solve a few equations about circles. Guess what?
It was pointless.
😄 😄 😄
My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.
So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?
She couldn’t do either.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?
None – they gave up.
😄 😄 😄
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
😄 😄 😄
Diet Day 1:
I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
😄 😄 😄
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
😄 😄 😄
“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.
“Why not, son?”
“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”
“But why don’t you want to go today?”
“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”
😄 😄 😄
To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
“Hello.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.
She must be exhausted.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call London without electricity?
Londoff.
😄 😄 😄
What is the longest word in the English language?
“Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
😄 😄 😄
Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
😄 😄 😄
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They’re normally around 90 degrees.
😄 😄 😄
On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, “What are your parents’ names?”
The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing and my mother’s name is Smiling.”
The teacher said, “Are you kidding?”
The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.”
😄 😄 😄
It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.
😄 😄 😄
A couple goes to the cinema.
“Two tickets, please,” says the man.
“Hobbit?” asks the cashier lady.
“No, that’s my wife.”
😄 😄 😄
A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, “Do you have frog legs?”
The waiter looks offended, “No, I’ve always walked like that!”
😄 😄 😄
A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.
After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”
The neighbor looks at him slowly, “Wait, inside?!”
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!
😄 😄 😄
A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.
After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later, the rooster walks in.
He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
😄 😄 😄
My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldn’t fix.
I suggested, “Break its legs.”
😄 😄 😄
My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.
😄 😄 😄
The only clan thing you find in a well cleaned big nose is fingerprints.
😄 😄 😄
If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses. I guess that’s why they moo.
😄 😄 😄
The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the man with the big nose sad?
He could really smell his feet!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?
Birds are always perching on it!
😄 😄 😄
Your nose is so big that when you lie on your back in the pool, people think it’s a shark!
😄 😄 😄
Why do anteater’s never get colds?
Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!
😄 😄 😄
What’s worse than having a big nose?
Having a big nose and tiny hands!
😄 😄 😄
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.
😄 😄 😄
What do you do when you break your leg in two places?
Quit going to those two places!
😄 😄 😄
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning in the ocean?
He was just too far out, man.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid, when she threw a grenade at me, I pulled the pin and threw it back.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so stupid, she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so stupid, she cut holes in her umbrella to see if it was raining.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so stupid, she yelled into an envelope because she wanted to send a voice mail.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so small, she has to wear a torn napkin as a dress.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so small, she committed suicide by jumping off the curb.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, she has to hold a sign up that says, “Don’t spit, I can’t swim”.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old, she rode dinosaurs to school.
😄 😄 😄
Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.
😄 😄 😄
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
😄 😄 😄
Do you have a name, or can I call you mine?
😄 😄 😄
I’m not an organ donor, but I’d be happy to give you my heart.
😄 😄 😄
Are you an electrician? Because you’re definitely lighting up my night!
😄 😄 😄
Do you like Mexican food? Because I want to wrap you in my arms and make you my BAE-rito.
😄 😄 😄
I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”
I said, “Not at all.”
He said, “‘Kiss?’”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel”
😄 😄 😄
My neighbors listen to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
😄 😄 😄
How much is the moon worth?
One dollar, because it has four quarters.
😄 😄 😄
What dance do all astronauts know?
The moonwalk.
😄 😄 😄
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon? Make them stub their toe.
😄 😄 😄
Why does nobody trust the man on the moon?
He has a dark side.
😄 😄 😄
Which is older, the moon or the sun?
The moon, because it can stay out all night.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Spell.”
“Spell, who?”
“Okay, okay: W. H. O.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I eat mop.”
“I eat mop, who?”
“That’s revolting!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who's there?”
“Ho, ho.”
“Ho ho, who?”
“You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who's there?”
“FBI.”
“FB...”
“We're asking the questions here.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Somebody too short to ring the doorbell!”
😄 😄 😄
Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”
She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
😄 😄 😄
I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
😄 😄 😄
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
😄 😄 😄
Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris once ate a Rubik’s Cube and pooped it out solved.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
😄 😄 😄
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
😄 😄 😄
A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.
“What are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!” The policeman says.
The next week he stops the same car to see the man still has the lynx, “I thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.” He says.
“I did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”
😄 😄 😄
A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to a lady’s door.
She answers and he says, “I’m so sorry, I ran over your cat. I’d like to replace it.”
The woman says, “Okay, how good are you at catching mice?”
😄 😄 😄
What did one flea say to the other?
“Shall we walk or take the cat?”
😄 😄 😄
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
“Excuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,” he said politely, “but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.”
“That’s right.”
“Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.”
“Well, today is his birthday.”
😄 😄 😄
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
😄 😄 😄
Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you pick a green alien for your baseball team?
They’re not ripe yet.
😄 😄 😄
I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.
😄 😄 😄
Is your dad an alien because your out of this world.
😄 😄 😄
What is an aliens favorite place on a computer?
The space bar.
😄 😄 😄
If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?
Fleas.
😄 😄 😄
Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?
Because it has got less calories.
😄 😄 😄
One alien says to another, “The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”
The second alien replies, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do aliens not eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
😄 😄 😄
Why do aliens not like visiting earth very often?
Because it is rated only one star.
😄 😄 😄
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, people thought she was a Funko Pop.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so hot, she makes the sun sweat.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so hot, when she got into the Arctic ocean, it turned into a hot tub.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, when she visits Antarctica, locals call it summertime.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, rangers banned her from National Parks for starting forest fires.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, her hugs give third-degree burns.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, scientists deemed her the leading cause of global warming.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she bought a solar-powered flashlight.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old, she farts dust!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old, when she was young, rainbows were black and white!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old, her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the cameras.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat, she left the house in high heels and when she came back, she had on flip flops.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat, she sat on a dollar and when she got up there was 4 quarters.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat, when she gets on the scale it says, “to be continued.”
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat, she gets group insurance!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat, a picture of her would fall off the wall!
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama's appetite is so huge, she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama's so disgusting, she keeps maggots as pets.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma's arm-pits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama's got a leather wig with suede sideburns.
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.”
No one stands up.
Teacher: “Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb.” Waves her finger around the left side of the room.
Little Johnny stands up.
Teacher: “Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?”
Little Johnny: “No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.”
😄 😄 😄
You so dumb, you have to stop during track workouts to ask for directions.
😄 😄 😄
You so dumb, you once tried to exchange a bib number because you thought the whole thing was printed upside down.
😄 😄 😄
Man: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God: “So you would love her?”
Man: “But God, why did you make her so dumb?”
God: “So she would love you?”
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris’s parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.
😄 😄 😄
When the Tooth fairy comes to your house, she takes your tooth and gives you money.
When Chuck Norris comes to your house, he breaks your tooth and takes your money.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
😄 😄 😄
Yo daddy is so stupid that he got locked in a grocery store and starved!
😄 😄 😄
When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
😄 😄 😄
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
😄 😄 😄
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
😄 😄 😄
A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.
The brunette says, “I brought some water so we don’t get dehydrated.”
The redhead says, “I brought some suntan lotion so we don’t get sunburned.”
Then the blonde says, “I brought a car door.”
The other girls ask, “Why did you bring that?”
The blonde says, “So I can roll down the window if it gets hot.”
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, “Who’s the strongest in here?!”
The toughest guy looks at him and says, “I am the strongest around here!”
The other guy politely asks, “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?
A Ford Siesta.
😄 😄 😄
I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.
Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.
😄 😄 😄
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
😄 😄 😄
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap.
When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move, he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’s lap?”, I asked.
“No!”, he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”
😄 😄 😄
At the family reunion.
Boy: “I’m here to talk about our family, but Mom always taught me that if I don’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. Good Day.”
😄 😄 😄
The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”
The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
😄 😄 😄
Good moms let you lick the beaters.
Great moms turn them off first.
😄 😄 😄
What is a Jews biggest dilemma?
Free Pork.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a shekel!
😄 😄 😄
Why are synagogues round?
So the Jew’s can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes round.
😄 😄 😄
Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!
😄 😄 😄
How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
The players don’t yell “Fore!” they yell “$3.99!”.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a Jews favorite band?
Nickelback.
😄 😄 😄
In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
When it graduates from medical school.
😄 😄 😄
A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.
His father replied, “Ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I’d be happy to give you a dollar, here’s a quarter.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do Jews have big noses?
Because the air is free.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, “Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?”
😄 😄 😄
How does every racist joke start?
By looking over your shoulder!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
😄 😄 😄
I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.
😄 😄 😄
“Somebody just gave me a shower radio.”
“Do you really want music in the shower?”
“I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
😄 😄 😄
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
😄 😄 😄
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
😄 😄 😄
During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.
The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.
His reply was priceless, “Mom, I have a pain in my side—I think I’m getting a wife.”
😄 😄 😄
A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.
While in the church, the girl asked her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied to the girl, “Because white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”
After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, “But, then why is the groom wearing black?”
😄 😄 😄
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”
“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
😄 😄 😄
I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.
I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.
When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, “Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.”
😄 😄 😄
After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.
When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.
😄 😄 😄
I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...
I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.
😄 😄 😄
The boss said I should go home because I really don’t look good.
I don’t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.
😄 😄 😄
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!
😄 😄 😄
How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They’re all girls! If they were boys, they’d be uncles.
😄 😄 😄
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
“Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.”
😄 😄 😄
Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ll have an H2O please.”
😄 😄 😄
Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”
Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”
Bartender: “Three dollars.”
Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”
😄 😄 😄
Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
😄 😄 😄
So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, this is a singles bar.”
😄 😄 😄
A skunk fell in the river and stank to the bottom.
😄 😄 😄
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummybear.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
A tire.
😄 😄 😄
Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
😄 😄 😄
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
😄 😄 😄
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
😄 😄 😄
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
😄 😄 😄
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
😄 😄 😄
Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
😄 😄 😄
An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.
“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.”
“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?”
“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.
“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”
😄 😄 😄
Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?
If he raises them both, he’d fall down.
😄 😄 😄
What do you have against some people?
Well… for example: knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenades…
😄 😄 😄
Do not be racist, be like Mario.
He’s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
😄 😄 😄
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it! It's an asshole!”
😄 😄 😄
Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny?
Then why aren’t you laughing!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
😄 😄 😄
A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.
“Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”
Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!”
The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
😄 😄 😄
Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.
The cashier said, “There’s no way I can take this. It’s fake.”
Johnny said, “Well, the car’s not real either.”
😄 😄 😄
Daisy: “Why do you have two different colored socks on? One’s blue, but the other is green.”
Little Johnny: “I’m not sure. It’s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.”
😄 😄 😄
Little Johnny’s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child.
She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, “Johnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”
Little Johnny looks up to her and says, “Well miss, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.”
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “How far have you gone with your homework Johnny?”
Little Johnny: “About 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.”
😄 😄 😄
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
😄 😄 😄
People treat me like a god.
They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.
😄 😄 😄
If God really made everything…
He’s Chinese, right?
😄 😄 😄
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”
The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”
😄 😄 😄
A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:
“Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
“Never mind. Found one!”
😄 😄 😄
A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.
His wife said, “Well what about your friend Clyde?”
The man replied, “Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren’t looking?”
“No, I guess not,” replied his wife.
The man said, “Neither would Clyde.”
😄 😄 😄
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
😄 😄 😄
Two friends talking:
“Hey, can I borrow some money? I’m broke.”
“Get money from your job.”
“I got fired.”
“Why?”
“My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.”
😄 😄 😄
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
😄 😄 😄
“Doctor, doctor! You told me to drink my medicine after my bath but I couldn’t manage it.”
“Why not?”
“Well after I drank my bath I didn’t have room for the medicine!”
😄 😄 😄
A man frantically calls the doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor responds.
The man replies, “No! This is her husband!”
😄 😄 😄
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Great! I never could before!”
😄 😄 😄
Doctor: “I’ve got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live.”
Patient: “What could be worse news than that?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to contact you for the last 6 days.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.”
Friend: “Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!”
Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”
😄 😄 😄
Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.
Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.”
Pharmacist: “Why do you need arsenic?”
Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband.”
Pharmacist: “WHAT?”
Woman: “You heard me! I want to kill my husband!”
Pharmacist: “Why on earth would you want to do that?”
Woman: “Because he’s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!”
Pharmacist: “Well why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”
😄 😄 😄
My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.
😄 😄 😄
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
😄 😄 😄
Before Marriage.
Boy: “Ah at last. I can hardly wait.”
Girl: “Do you want me to leave?”
Boy: “No, don't even think about it.”
Girl: “Do you love me?”
Boy: “Of Course. Always have and always will.”
Girl: “Have you ever cheated on me?”
Boy: “Never. Why are you even asking?”
Girl: “Will you kiss me?”
Boy: “Hell no. Are you crazy?”
Girl: “Can I trust you?”
Boy: “Yes.”
Girl: “Darling!”
After Marriage… (Read from bottom to top)
😄 😄 😄
Earth is the third planet from the sun.
By this logic, all countries are third world countries.
😄 😄 😄
What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?
Mario Sunburnt!
😄 😄 😄
I wanna be the sun of your life!
Then stay at 1 000 000 km of me!
😄 😄 😄
What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?
Turn into bacon.
😄 😄 😄
After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.
Murphy objected, “If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!”
“What do you think we are, stupid?” Declan replied, “We’ll send our
man at night!”
😄 😄 😄
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so sweet you must be made out of chocolate.
😄 😄 😄
Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?
😄 😄 😄
Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
😄 😄 😄
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
😄 😄 😄
Why do the seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
😄 😄 😄
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
😄 😄 😄
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Amish.”
“Amish, who?”
“Really? You don’t look like a shoe!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Europe.”
“Europe, who?”
“No, YOU’RE a poo!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cash.”
“Cash, who?”
“No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting cow.”
“Interrup...”
“Moooooooo!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Tank.”
“Tank, who?”
“You’re welcome!”
😄 😄 😄
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
😄 😄 😄
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
😄 😄 😄
Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
😄 😄 😄
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?
Inflation.
😄 😄 😄
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
😄 😄 😄
Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon?
Because it doesn’t need cleaning!
😄 😄 😄
We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons. If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.
😄 😄 😄
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently.
When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said:
“No. That’s why we want to go to the moon.”
😄 😄 😄
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.
She asks him: “Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?”
He: “Like the moon.”
The teacher: “That’s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful”.
Little johnny: “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the moon constantly moody?
She’s just going through a phase.
😄 😄 😄
What insect comes from the moon?
A Luna Tick!
😄 😄 😄
Your momma so short, she takes a shower in a raindrop.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so short, she can’t say a thing without a microphone!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so short, when she plays fortnite, she can hide under the freaking store.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, she has to slam dunk her bus fare.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so short, she poses for trophies!
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so hot, doctors say her blood type is lava.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, when Electra and Haspiel saw her, they burned to death.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so hot, I gotta wear oven mitts to touch her.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so hot, she makes jalapeños cry.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so hot, she makes the sun look like Antarctica.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so dumb and hungry, the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so dumb, when dad said it’s chilly outside she brought a spoon and a bowl.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so dumb, when y’all were driving to Disneyland, she saw a sign that said “Disneyland left”, so she went home.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so dumb, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old, she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so old, I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama is so old, Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old, she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so ugly, that most Snapchat filters make her better looking.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so ugly, she made One Direction go another direction.
😄 😄 😄
Your momma so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks!
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so ugly, she made an onion cry.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so stupid, when I said, “Drinks are on the house,” she got a ladder.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so stupid, she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said “concentrate”.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so stupid, when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn’t find the “CALL” button.
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama’s so stupid, she thinks Los Angeles is where God lives with all his angels.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid, I said, “Kool-Aid,” and she jumped through the wall.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat, when she fell I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so fat, that the National Weather Service names each of her farts.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight not your phone number.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so fat, she can’t reach her back pocket.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat, when she died, she broke the stairway to heaven.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so scary, you thought the monsters in your closet were friends.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s appetite is so huge, even after eating an elephant for breakfast, she demanded for a whale as dessert.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to save a fish from drowning.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.
😄 😄 😄
When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When you’re a mouse.
😄 😄 😄
Why are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them!
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t mummies have friends?
Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
😄 😄 😄
Where should a 500 pound alien go?
On a diet.
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”
Student: “My father’s checkbook.”
😄 😄 😄
A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.
When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles.”
😄 😄 😄
I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey—he’s always stuffed.
😄 😄 😄
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn't you get my E-mail?”
😄 😄 😄
Why does the programmer think the Grinch’s attitude isn’t bad?
He says it’s in beta.
😄 😄 😄
Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress.
So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, “May I try on that dress in the window, please?”
“Certainly not, madam”, responded the salesgirl, “You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.”
😄 😄 😄
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?
Santa walking backwards!
😄 😄 😄
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
“Is there anything breakable in here?”, asked the postal clerk.
“Only the Ten Commandments”, answered the lady.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?
He only had two worms.
😄 😄 😄
A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.
He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”
“That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man.
“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”
“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”
😄 😄 😄
Which king liked to do things on his own?
Solo-mon.
😄 😄 😄
“How did you manage to do that?”
“I once found a three-legged chick, kept it and get it to have eggs and I ended up with a lot of four legged chickens.”
“But why?”
“Well, I like chicken legs, my wife too and my two kids also. So I thought with a four-legged chicken, we’d only have to kill one every day to feed the family.”
“And how do those four-legged chickens taste like?”
“No idea, never been able to catch one.”
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
😄 😄 😄
A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Who’s first?”
😄 😄 😄
Psychiatrist: “What seems to be the problem?”
Patient: “I think I'm a chicken.”
Psychiatrist: “How long has this been going on?”
Patient: “Ever since I came out of my shell.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the cat like eating lemons?
Because he was a sourpuss.
😄 😄 😄
Why are cats better than babies?
Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
😄 😄 😄
What does a cat have that no other animal has?
Kittens.
😄 😄 😄
Why do cats always win video games?
Because they have nine lives!
😄 😄 😄
Why do cats hate laptops?
They don’t have a mouse.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?
Because they can’t find number eleven on their phone.
😄 😄 😄
How do you drown a blonde?
Remind her that life is inane, repetitive, and intrinsically meaningless.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
You tell her a joke on Wednesday.
😄 😄 😄
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were all lost in the desert.
After walking along for a while they eventually found a lamp and rubbed it.
A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home.
Poof! She was transported back home.
The brunette wished to be back at home with her family.
Poof! She was magically transported back home.
The blonde then says, “Aww, I wish my friends were here.”
😄 😄 😄
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
😄 😄 😄
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
😄 😄 😄
Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?
Because there is a hole in one.
😄 😄 😄
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
😄 😄 😄
Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
😄 😄 😄
Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?
They always forget to take off the candles.
😄 😄 😄
How does the German baker greet his customers?
Gluten Morgen!
😄 😄 😄
Can a dog jump higher than a house?
Well, duh. Houses can’t jump.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!
😄 😄 😄
There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
😄 😄 😄
Why are colds bad criminals?
Because they’re easy to catch.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
😄 😄 😄
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
😄 😄 😄