Enjoy our team's carefully selected Husband-Wife Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
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A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.
The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.
When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing โHappy birthday!โ.
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A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.
Suddenly the husband appears behind the wifeโs back and says:
โCareful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! Youโre frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, theyโre sticking to the pan! Careful!
Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, donโt forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!โ
The wife stares at her husband:
โWhatโs wrong with you?! You think I canโt fry a few eggs?!โ
The husband answers calmly:
โI just wanted to show you what it feels like when Iโm driving.โ
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A man left for work one Friday morning.
Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, โHow would you like it if you didnโt see me for two or three days?โ
โThat would be fine with meโ, he replied.
Monday went by and he didnโt see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: โWhat are you doing dear?โ
Husband: โSwatting flies. I got three males and two femalesโ
Wife: โHow on Earth do you know which gender they were?โ
Husband: โEasy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.โ
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Wife: โI look fat. Can you give me a compliment?โ
Husband: โYou have perfect eyesight.โ
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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, โHoney thereโs a witch at the door. What shall I do?โ
She shouted back, โJust give her some candy and tell her to get lost.โ
My mother-in-law hasnโt spoken to me since.
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Itโs game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.
He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.
He responds, โNo, the seatโs empty.โ
The first man exclaims, โWhat?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?โ
The neighbor responds, โWell the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we havenโt been together.โ
The first man responds,โ Iโm sorry to hear that. Wasnโt there anyone else, a friend or relative, that couldโve taken that seat?โ
The neighbor responds, โNo, theyโre all at the funeral.โ
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
๐ ๐ ๐
Husband: โI had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.โ
Friend: โWow, thatโs really impressive! What did she say?!โ
Husband: โCome out from under that sofa, you coward!โ
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A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
โWho are you?โ he asked.
โIโm the Devil!โ she responded.
โWell, come on home with me,โ he said, โI married your sister.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Husband: โI am working remotely.โ
Wife: โYou are not even remotely working.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.
โWhatโs wrong?โ I asked her.
She replied, โThis jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.โ
I said, โOkay, how about in the fridge?โ
She said, โNo, silly, thereโs a little light inside.โ
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Wife: โI dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?โ
Husband: โOf course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.โ
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On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isnโt sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, sheโs been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, โI have a confession.โ
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, โDarling, so do I.โ
Recoiling, he says, โDonโt tell meโyouโve eaten my socks.โ
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At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, โThatโs the fourth time youโve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesnโt it embarrass you?โ
โWhy should it?โ answered her spouse. โI keep telling them itโs for you.โ
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A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the manโs face.
โWhat did you do that for?โ the man asks.
โWell, you donโt have the hiccups anymore, do you?โ
The man says, โNo, but my wife out in the car still does!โ
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This guy was sitting in his attorneyโs office.
His lawyer says, โDo you want the bad news first or the terrible news?โ
โGive me the bad news first,โ he says.
โYour wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,โ his lawyer informs him.
โThatโs the bad news?โ asks the man incredulously. โI canโt wait to hear the terrible news.โ
โThe terrible news is that itโs of you and your secretary.โ
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A manโs bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.
โLook, being a vice president isnโt that special,โ she said. โThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!โ
Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, โGet me the vice president of peas!โ
The clerk replied, โFresh, canned, or frozen?โ
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A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.
His wife said, โWell what about your friend Clyde?โ
The man replied, โWould you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you arenโt looking?โ
โNo, I guess not,โ replied his wife.
The man said, โNeither would Clyde.โ
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A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.
When they ran into a family of skunks.
They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.
They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.
The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.
They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, โThereโs no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?โ
The husband thinks for a second and says, โHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.โ
The wife replies, โWell what about the smell?โ
The husband says, โItโll be alright, just hold its nose.โ
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My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.
And theyโre off!
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โDad, did you ever fall in love?โ
โYes, son. I did once.โ
โAnd, what happened?โ
โIn the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.โ
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A man frantically calls the doctor and says, โMy wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!โ
โIs this her first child?โ the doctor responds.
The man replies, โNo! This is her husband!โ
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A child asked his father, โHow were people born?โ
So his father said, โAdam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.โ
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, โWe were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.โ
The child ran back to his father and said, โYou lied to me!โ
His father replied, โNo, your mom was talking about her side of the family.โ
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of
feminine product for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The salesgirl says confused, โSir, I thought you were looking for some
feminine product for your wife?โ
He answers, โYou see, itโs like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause itโs so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.โ
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Husband says to his wife.
Husband: โIโm going down to the pub, get your coat on.
Wife: โOoh, am I coming?โ
Husband: โNo, Iโm turning the heating off.โ
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There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. Itโs the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.
With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.
His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, โNo, they are for the funeral.โ
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I asked my wife, โWhere do you want to go for our anniversary?โ
She said, โSomewhere I have never been!โ
I told her, โHow about the kitchen?โ
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A couple goes to the cinema.
โTwo tickets, please,โ says the man.
โHobbit?โ asks the cashier lady.
โNo, thatโs my wife.โ
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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husbandโs key in the door.
โStay where you are,โ she said. โHeโs so drunk he wonโt even notice youโre in bed with me.โ
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife, โHey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. Whatโs going on?โ
โNonsense,โ said the wife. โYouโre so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.โ
The husband climbed out of bed and counted, โOne, two, three, four. Youโre right, you know.โ
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A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesnโt like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: โWhat are you waiting for?โ
The husband replies, โAutumn.โ
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Husband whispers to wife as theyโre going to sleep, โGood night, mother of six.โ
โGood night, father of one,โ she replies.
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โWhere did you get this mushroom recipe?โ The husband asks his wife.
โIn a detective novel,โ she answers.
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A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
โHow wonderful! I hope you donโt mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?โ
โHe ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ
โOh, how tragic! What about your second husband?โ
โHe also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ
โOh, how terrible! Iโm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.โ
โHe died of a broken neck.โ
โA broken neck?โ
โHe wouldnโt eat the mushrooms.โ
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A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.
Without any preliminaries, she said she wanted a divorce.
โOn what grounds?โ asked the lawyer.
โI donโt think he is faithful to me,โ she replied.
โAnd what makes you think he isnโt faithful?โ asked the lawyer.
โWell,โ replied the young lady, โI donโt think he is the father of my child.โ
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A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that theyโll play a game with the kids. Theyโll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.
At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.
โWell,โ he says, โitโs what mommy calls me sometimesโ.
The little girl screams, โDonโt eat it! Itโs an asshole!โ
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Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.
Woman: โI need to buy some arsenic.โ
Pharmacist: โWhy do you need arsenic?โ
Woman: โI need arsenic because I want to give it to my husband.โ
Pharmacist: โWHAT?โ
Woman: โYou heard me! I want to give it to my husband!โ
Pharmacist: โWhy on earth would you want to do that?โ
Woman: โBecause heโs having an affair with YOUR wife!!!โ
Pharmacist: โWell why didnโt you tell me you had a prescription?โ
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Before Marriage.
Boy: โAh at last. I can hardly wait.โ
Girl: โDo you want me to leave?โ
Boy: โNo, don't even think about it.โ
Girl: โDo you love me?โ
Boy: โOf Course. Always have and always will.โ
Girl: โHave you ever cheated on me?โ
Boy: โNever. Why are you even asking?โ
Girl: โWill you kiss me?โ
Boy: โHell no. Are you crazy?โ
Girl: โCan I trust you?โ
Boy: โYes.โ
Girl: โDarling!โ
After Marriageโฆ (Read from bottom to top)
๐ ๐ ๐
On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.
โGive me a couple of steaks,โ he says.
โWeโre out of steaks, but we have hot dogs and chicken,โ says the butcher.
โHot dogs and chicken?!โ yells the hunter. โHow can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hot dogs and chickens?!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I was on a Zoom meeting just now and my husband needed to go behind me, so he thoughtfully crawled to stay out of the camera, which means instead of seeing him walk by in his pajamas, my coworkers saw him crawl by in his pajamas.
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My wife has a Zoom call for work, which means the dog and I have to stay in the bedroom since we donโt know how to behave on Zoom calls.
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Whatโs the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday!
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My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I havenโt fit in my pants since March.
๐ ๐ ๐
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors.
But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesnโt smell good.
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Whatโs the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
๐ ๐ ๐
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
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Itโs been raining for 3 days without stopping.
My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.
If the rain doesnโt stop tomorrow, Iโll have to let her in.
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What to give a man whoโs got everything?
A woman. Sheโll tell him how everything works.
๐ ๐ ๐
I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.
Itโs my wifeโs birthday and I thought, โWhat the hell! Iโll treat her.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Boyfriend: โI love you.โ
Girlfriend: โIs that you or the wine talking?โ
Boyfriend: โItโs me talking to the wine.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess whoโs not allowed in my tree house anymore.
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It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.
The wife and the mother-in-law.
๐ ๐ ๐
Marriage is an institution of three rings:
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
๐ ๐ ๐
Bill and Melinda were happy for 27 years
And then Bill started working from home.
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad Iโm a vampire.
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
๐ ๐ ๐
Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?
My ex!
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.
So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?
She couldnโt do either.
๐ ๐ ๐
Alcohol is a perfect solvent.
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
๐ ๐ ๐
What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?
She said, โGod was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
The relationship between a man and a woman is a psychological one.
The woman is psycho, the man is logical.
๐ ๐ ๐
Itโs so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
๐ ๐ ๐
Youโre so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
๐ ๐ ๐
A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.
After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.
The morel of the story... killed him.
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disneyโs Up for Halloween.
Iโll dress up as an old guy and sheโll dress up as a tombstone.
๐ ๐ ๐
Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.
It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.
๐ ๐ ๐
I havenโt spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
๐ ๐ ๐
A golden rule of the wife:
There isnโt a problem in the world that couldnโt be created.
๐ ๐ ๐
Iโm not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
๐ ๐ ๐
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โDoughnut.โ
โDoughnut, who?โ
โDoughnut forget to close the door!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โDonut.โ
โDonut, who?โ
โDonut ask, itโs a secret!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โMikey.โ
โMikey, who?โ
โMikey doesnโt work, can you let me in?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โYa.โ
โYa, who?โ
โAww, I love it when youโre this excited to see me!
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โSpell.โ
โSpell, who?โ
โOkay, okay: W. H. O.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWho's there?โ
โHo, ho.โ
โHo ho, who?โ
โYou know, your Santa impression could use a little work.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โCash.โ
โCash, who?โ
โNo thanks, but Iโd love some peanuts.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Knock! Knock!
โWhoโs there?โ
โTank.โ
โTank, who?โ
โYouโre welcome!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the houseโs lack of insulation.
โIf they could live here all those years, so can we!โ my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
โFor the past 30 years,โ he muttered, โtheyโve gone to Florida for the winter.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, โAre you the owner?โ
The Pharmacist answers, โYes.โ
Jacob: โWeโre about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?โ
Pharmacist: โOf course we do.โ
Jacob: โMedicine for rheumatism?โ
Pharmacist: โDefinitely.โ
Jacob: โMedicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimerโs?โ
Pharmacist: โYes, a large variety. The works.โ
Jacob: โWhat about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsonโs disease?โ
Pharmacist: โAbsolutely.โ
Jacob: โEverything for heartburn and indigestion?โ
Pharmacist: โWe sure do.โ
Jacob: โYou sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?โ
Pharmacist: โAll speeds and sizes.โ
Jacob: โIn that case, weโd like to use this store for our wedding presents list.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, โIโm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?โ
His wife answers, โYes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.โ
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, โHoney, are you sure you donโt want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.โ
โNo, no, Iโm sure Iโll remember what you asked for.โ
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, โWell, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I was on the phone with my wife and said, โIโm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.โ
After a twenty-second pause, I asked, โYou still there sweetheart?โ
She replied, โYeah... but I donโt think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man asked his wife, โWhat would you most like for your birthday?โ
She said, โIโd love to be ten again.โ
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.
At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, โWell, dear, what was it like being ten again?โ One eye opened and she groaned, โActually, honey, I meant dress size!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattleโs was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacherโs wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. The appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. Youโre going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
๐ ๐ ๐
During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.
The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adamโs ribs.
Later in the week, the boyโs mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.
His reply was priceless, โMom, I have a pain in my sideโI think Iโm getting a wife.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.
While in the church, the girl asked her mother, โWhy is the bride dressed in white?โ
The mother replied to the girl, โBecause white is the color of happiness and itโs the happiest day of her life today.โ
After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, โBut, then why is the groom wearing black?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, โItโs the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.โ
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, โNow, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that Iโd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.โ
โThen, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.โ
โWhen I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.โ
He continued, โThen I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
โWhen I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.โ
โMeanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
Sheโs like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the womenโs restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: โCode 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.โ
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We donโt have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a โCAUTION โ WET FLOORโ sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers heโd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed โWhy canโt you people just leave me alone?โ. EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the โMission Impossibleโ theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his โMadonna Lookโ using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled โPICK ME! PICK ME!โ.
October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed โOH NO! ITโS THOSE VOICES AGAIN!โ.
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly โHey! Thereโs no toilet paper in hereโ. One of the clerks passed out.
๐ ๐ ๐
A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldnโt stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, โI am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but Iโve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?โ
The woman replied, โWell, that first hearse is for my husband.โ
โWhat happened to him?โ
The woman replied, โMy dog attacked him to death.โ
She inquired further, โWell, who is in the second hearse?โ
The woman answered, โMy mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.โ
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
โCan I borrow the dog?โ
โGet in line!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.
โGood night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.โ
Her dad asked her, โWhy goodbye?โ
โOh, I dunno, I just felt like it.โ
The very next day, her grandpa died.
That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
โGood night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.
Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.
The very next day, Sallyโs grandma died.
That night, when Sally said โGood night Mom, goodbye Dadโ, Sallyโs dad began to panic. He knew this couldnโt just be a coincidence.
So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.
Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.
He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.
โOh, it was just awful!โ she replied. โThe Milkman died!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
They celebrate it in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.
The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, โIsnโt it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?โ
The wife replies saying, โYes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here without clothes,โ with a naughty voice.
Both donโt doubt for a moment and they take off their clothes. They sit back down at the table giggling.
The wife says, โYou know honey, even my mamillae are just as hot as 50 years ago.โ
โNo wonder,โ the man replies, โone of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
At school, Little Johnnyโs classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so itโs very easy to blackmail them by saying โI know the whole truthโ.
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnnyโs mother greets him at home, and he tells her, โI know the whole truth.โ
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, โJust donโt tell your father.โ
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, โI know the whole truth.โ
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, โPlease donโt say a word to your mother.โ
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, โI know the whole truth.โ
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, โThen come give your Daddy a great big hug!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I donโt think she likes them.
She said thatโs gross.
๐ ๐ ๐
A Muslim man told his wife that she needed to start embracing her mistakes.
So she gave him a hug.
๐ ๐ ๐
Husband: โI got a package with bullets and Arabic note today.โ
Wife: โIdiot! These are suppositories and the note from the doctor!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. Thatโs a lot of heritage to inherit.
They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.
A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish.
After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi OโLee.
๐ ๐ ๐
At St. Peterโs Catholic Church, they have weekly husbandsโ marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, โWella, Iโva tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!โ
The priest responded, โGiuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?โ
Giuseppe proudly replied, โI gonna go picka her up.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
When Chuck Norris tells a joke about Will Smithโs wife, Will Smith slaps himself.
๐ ๐ ๐
If your wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, itโs a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
๐ ๐ ๐
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. โHow did Thanksgiving go at your place?โ the bartender asks.
โOh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking,โ the guy says. โSo I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Why one should be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner?
A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.
๐ ๐ ๐
The wife tried to scare her husband by leaving him a breakup letter after he returned home late.
She left a note, saying:
Iโve had enough and have left you. Donโt bother coming after me.
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, her husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
โSheโs finally gone... Yeah, I know... Iโm coming to see you... Put on that nightgown I like... Love you... Canโt wait to see you...โ
He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
โI can see your feet. Weโre out of bread. Be back in five minutes.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Wife: โDo men wipe after they pee?โ
Aging husband: โYes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wallโฆโ
๐ ๐ ๐
My husband is as handsome as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein.
His name is Frankenstein.
๐ ๐ ๐
After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet.
It was then I shared my dark secret, โI put our teenage sonโs shorts in his underwear drawer.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man visits a friend recovering from the flu that had him bedridden for weeks.
Surprisingly, the friend says itโs been a happy and wonderful experience.
โHow so?โ asks the man.
Friend: โWell, Iโve found out how much my wife loves me and how pleased she is to have me home.โ
Man: โHow do you know?โ
Friend: โWell, every time the postman, the milkman or the dustman comes by, she runs out shouting โMy husband is home! My husband is home!โ.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
How did a wife challenge her husband during his heart attack?
By asking for his phoneโs passcode before calling 911.
๐ ๐ ๐
911 operator: โ911.โ
โHello, my wife was cooking dinner, and she fell,โ says the husband.
โWhatโs the emergency?โ
The husband replies, โHow do I know when the rice is ready?โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A Polish man calls 911.
Operator: โ911, whatโs your emergency?โ
Pole: โHelp! My wife is trying to kill me!โ
Operator: โHow do you know?โ
Pole: โI checked her medicine cabinet and found โPolish Removerโ!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Husband: โHello, 911? Yes, thereโs this Hindu fellow whoโs been following my wife around for the past few hours, and itโs starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees, and heโs... praying, or something.โ
911 operator: โSir, calm down, thereโs no issue hereโHindus are well known to worship cows.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, Iโm toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
โShe obviously has COVID,โ my wife said.
โWhy?โ I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, โBecause she has no taste.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him.
But the witch demanded a young, handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her.
On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa.
Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that.
The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body.
She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him.
The moral of the story is, no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.
๐ ๐ ๐
Wife asks, โWhy are you watching our wedding video backwards?โ
Husband: โI like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.
Confused, the marriage counselor says, โThis is quite odd, as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session, I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. Iโll be your wife.โ
The man instantly stiffens up and looks very nervous.
Counselor: โHoney, are you not happy in our marriage?โ
Man: โI canโt complain about that.โ
Counselor: โIs it the relations?โ
Man: โI canโt complain about that either.โ
Counselor: โWell, is it the way I treat you?โ
Man: โNope. Definitely canโt complain about that.โ
Getting frustrated about the lack of any insight, the counselor breaks character and says, โI donโt think this is really going anywhere without your wife present. Why donโt you bring her with you?โ
Man: โNo, that wonโt work at all. It has to be just you and me. No role playing, either.โ
Counselor: โWell, why is that?โ
Man: โTo you, I can complain!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, โIf you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.โ
Her husband didnโt believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking, just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husbandโs underwear as he slept.
A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.
After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. โWhat happened?โ asked the wife.
โYou were right! My intestines did come out, but donโt worry, honey, after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed.
She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.
โWhatโs the matter, honey?โ she asks. โWhy the heck are you down here at this hour?โ
Her husband looks up at her, โDo you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?โ
โSure,โ she answers, puzzled.
Her husband groaned in sadness, โAnd do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?โ
Wife: โYes, of course.โ
โAnd do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said โYou either marry her or Iโll put you in jail for 20 years!โ?โ
โYea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!โ she demanded to know.
The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said,โItโs just... I would have been out today.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Young actor: โDad, guess what? Iโve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man whoโs been married for 30 years.โ
Father: โWell, keep at it, son. Maybe one day youโll get a speaking part.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Husband to friend: โThe physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.โ
Friend: โAnd is she doing this?โ
Husband: โWell, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
๐ ๐ ๐
A male driver is pulled over by a cop.
Man: โWhatโs the problem, officer?โ
Cop: โYou were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.โ
Man: โNo sir, I was going 65.โ
Wife: โOh, Harry, you were going 80.โ
Cop: โIโm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.โ
Man: โBroken tail light? I didnโt know about a broken tail light!โ
Wife: โOh, Harry, youโve known about that tail light for weeks.โ
Cop: โIโm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.โ
Man: โOh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.โ
Wife: โOh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.โ
Man: โShut your mouth, woman!โ
Cop: โMaโam, does your husband always talk to you this way?โ
Wife: โNo, only when heโs drunk.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said to her husband, โLook at this, dear. Thereโs an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldnโt do a thing like that, would you?โ
โOf course I wouldnโt!โ replied her husband. โThe seasonโs almost over!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, โWhat is this, Father?โ
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, โSon, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I donโt know what it is.โ
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, โSon, go get your mother.โ
๐ ๐ ๐
My wife said she would divorce me if I kept quoting Star Trek.
So I said, โNumber Two, make it so!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Akposโs wife was busy singing in the bedroom.
Akpos: โYou know, my dear, when you sing like that, I just wish you were on a radio.
Wife: โWow, honey. Am I that good?โ
Akpos: โNo, at least on a radio I can change the station.โ
๐ ๐ ๐