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Wife Husband Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Husband Wife Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they’re off!

😄 😄 😄


A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.

After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story.. killed him.

😄 😄 😄


I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”

After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”

She replied, “Yeah... but I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”

😄 😄 😄


A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife’s back and says:

“Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You’re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!

Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they’re sticking to the pan! Careful!

Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don’t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!”

The wife stares at her husband:

“What’s wrong with you?! You think I can’t fry a few eggs?!”

The husband answers calmly:

“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

😄 😄 😄


My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.

I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.

😄 😄 😄


One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”

Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”

“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.

“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.

Her dad was very suspicious, but said nothing.

The very next day, Sally’s grandma died.

That night, when Sally said “Good night Mom, goodbye Dad”, Sally’s dad began to panic. He knew this couldn’t just be a coincidence.

So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.

Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.

He managed to arrive home safely, and asked his wife how her day had been.

“Oh, it was just awful!” she replied. “The Milkman died!”

😄 😄 😄


Husband whispers to wife as they’re going to sleep, “Good night, mother of six.”

“Good night, father of one,” she replies.

😄 😄 😄


I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickle.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her.

She replied, “This jar of pickle says to store it in a cool, dark location.”

I said, “Okay, how about in the fridge?”

She said “No, silly, there’s a little light inside.”

😄 😄 😄


A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

“That would be fine with me”, he replied.

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between love and marriage?

Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

😄 😄 😄


One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.”

After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.”

“Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news, “Diane is your half sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.”

“Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

😄 😄 😄


“Dad, did you ever fall in love?”

“Yes, son. I did once.”

“And, what happened?”

“In the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.”

😄 😄 😄


My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

😄 😄 😄


A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

Wife: “What are you doing dear?”

Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”

Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”

Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”

😄 😄 😄


A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.

“What did you do that for?” the man asks.

“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”

The man says, “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”

😄 😄 😄


My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.

I told her no. I ate it on the couch.

😄 😄 😄


“Where did you get this mushroom recipe?” Husband asks his wife.

“In a detective novel,” she answers.

😄 😄 😄


A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

“How wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”

“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”

“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”

“He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”

“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”

“He died of a broken neck.”

“A broken neck?”

“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

😄 😄 😄


A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.

Without any preliminaries she said she wanted a divorce.

“On what grounds?” asked the lawyer.

“I don’t think he is faithful to me,” she replied.

“And what makes you think he isn’t faithful?” asked the lawyer.

“Well,” replied the young lady, “I don’t think he is the father of my child.”

😄 😄 😄


This guy was sitting in his attorney’s office.

His lawyer says, “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?”

“Give me the bad news first,” he says.

“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,” his lawyer informs him.

“That’s the bad news?” asks the man incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”

😄 😄 😄


Wife: “I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?”

Husband: “Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.”

😄 😄 😄


A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday!

😄 😄 😄


I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”

I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

😄 😄 😄


On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

😄 😄 😄


After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

😄 😄 😄


A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

They celebrate it in the same hotel as where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.

The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, “Isn’t it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?”

The wife replies saying, “Yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here naked,” with a naughty voice.

Both don’t doubt for a moment an they take off their clothes. They sit back down on the table giggling.

The wife says, “You know honey, even my nipples are just as hot as 50 years ago.”

“No wonder,” the man replies, “one of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!”

😄 😄 😄


Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.

It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.

😄 😄 😄


My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.

😄 😄 😄


Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex!

😄 😄 😄


My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.

So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?

She couldn’t do either.

😄 😄 😄


A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

😄 😄 😄


Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”

😄 😄 😄


A couple goes to the cinema.

“Two tickets, please,” says the man.

“Hobbit?” asks the cashier lady.

“No, that’s my wife.”

😄 😄 😄


Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.

I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”

She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”

My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.

😄 😄 😄


I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.

😄 😄 😄


A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”

She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.

He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”

😄 😄 😄


The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

😄 😄 😄


During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.

The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.

His reply was priceless, “Mom, I have a pain in my side—I think I’m getting a wife.”

😄 😄 😄


A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.

While in the church, the girl asked her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

The mother replied to the girl, “Because white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”

After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, “But, then why is the groom wearing black?”

😄 😄 😄


Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

😄 😄 😄


It’s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.

He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.

He responds, “No, the seat’s empty.”

The first man exclaims, “What?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?”

The neighbor responds, “Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven’t been together.”

The first man responds,” I’m sorry to hear that. Wasn’t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could’ve taken that seat?”

The neighbor responds, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

😄 😄 😄


A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.”

The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it! It's an asshole!”

😄 😄 😄


A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

“Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!”

The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”

😄 😄 😄


At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

😄 😄 😄


A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.

His wife said, “Well what about your friend Clyde?”

The man replied, “Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren’t looking?”

“No, I guess not,” replied his wife.

The man said, “Neither would Clyde.”

😄 😄 😄


A man frantically calls the doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor responds.

The man replies, “No! This is her husband!”

😄 😄 😄


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

😄 😄 😄


Husband: “I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.”

Friend: “Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!”

Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”

😄 😄 😄


Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.

Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.”

Pharmacist: “Why do you need arsenic?”

Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband.”

Pharmacist: “WHAT?”

Woman: “You heard me! I want to kill my husband!”

Pharmacist: “Why on earth would you want to do that?”

Woman: “Because he’s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!”

Pharmacist: “Well why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”

😄 😄 😄


My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.

😄 😄 😄


A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

😄 😄 😄


Before Marriage.

Boy: “Ah at last. I can hardly wait.”

Girl: “Do you want me to leave?”

Boy: “No, don't even think about it.”

Girl: “Do you love me?”

Boy: “Of Course. Always have and always will.”

Girl: “Have you ever cheated on me?”

Boy: “Never. Why are you even asking?”

Girl: “Will you kiss me?”

Boy: “Hell no. Are you crazy?”

Girl: “Can I trust you?”

Boy: “Yes.”

Girl: “Darling!”

After Marriage… (Read from bottom to top)

😄 😄 😄





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