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Friends Jokes: Funny and Hilarious!



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Friend Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Friend Jokes


What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?

He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”

😄 😄 😄


I told my friends I was a blood-sucking insect from the moon.

They said I was a luna tick.

😄 😄 😄


When asked the temperature I enjoy giving it in Kelvin.

I’m losing my friends by degrees.

😄 😄 😄


Why doesn’t summer have any friends?

Because it’s not cool enough.

😄 😄 😄


My friend said that my haircut makes me look like a rooster.

I said it’s a cock-a-doodle do.

😄 😄 😄


If you were a food what would you be?

Friend 1: “Pizza because I’m so cheesy.”

Friend 2: “Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends.”

Me: “Donut because I’m so empty inside.”

😄 😄 😄


A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.

As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that!”

The engineer replied, “You wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”

So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, “Do you wanna see magic?”

The shop boy replied, “Yes!!!”

The engineer said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.

Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.

Finally he asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shop boy asked, “But where’s the magic?”

The engineer replied, “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them!”

😄 😄 😄


Chocolate is like guns.

If you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend.

😄 😄 😄


My friend and I are in a beard-growing contest...

It’s neck and neck right now.

😄 😄 😄


Yo mama so ugly, Forever Alone Guy denied her friend request.

😄 😄 😄


A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.

“What’s your favorite flavor?” asks the friend.

“Charm,” replies the physicist.

His friend looks at him.

“Why is it that whenever I ask you a question,” begins the friend, “your answer is always strange?”

“Well, it’s strange ‘now’,” the physicist protests, “shouldn’t have waited a picosecond.”

😄 😄 😄


An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.

She unloads on the doctor, “Doctor, my friends are all being awful people! They’re all telling me I fart all the time, and it’s just plain rude of them!

“Oh really?” The doctor says.

“YEAH! They’re ALL silent so I have no idea why they’d point them out. On top of all that, for them to tell me my gas is enough to gag a maggot. How could your friends say that!!”

“I see,” the doctor says.

“YEAH!! I’ve even felt a few fly out in the office and you’ve not had a SINGLE problem in this visit.”

“Here, take these pills, they should help you out.” The doctor says.

It’s been a day now, and the doctor’s pensively reviewing some charts, when all of a sudden the old lady busts in the practice, shouting at the receptionist for the doctor to see her RIGHT AWAY.

She says, “Doctor, what the hell have you done with these pills! I’m farting ALL THE TIME now and it smells like a landfill!”

After a deep breath, the doctor says, “Now that your nose is fixed, let’s work on your gas and ears.”

😄 😄 😄


Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s barrel racing there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”

“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”

“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.

“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re up here in the slack on Friday.”

😄 😄 😄


A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.

“What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.

“Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised.

“Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “You’ll win!”

😄 😄 😄


Friend 1: “I think my mom’s getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all.”

Friend 2: “How do you know?”

Friend 1: “She’s learning to drive a bulldozer.”

😄 😄 😄


Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.

His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.

“Incredible!,” says his friend.

“Medical science is amazing!”

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

“Incredible!,” says his friend.

“Medical science is amazing!”

Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.

Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him.

He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”

😄 😄 😄


Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.

“Two dogs, please,” she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs”.

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.

Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”

😄 😄 😄


The other day my friend messaged by saying, “Bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.”

I told him to combine them.

He replied with, “Your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

😄 😄 😄


My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.”

Me: “Hey babe, what do you wanna eat?”

Her: “Nothing.”

Me: Flies to Africa.

😄 😄 😄


My friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead.”

😄 😄 😄


I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend’s mustache.

Now she’s not talking to me.

😄 😄 😄


I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said, “Yes!”

I said, “Good, because I’m breaking up with you.”

😄 😄 😄


A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

“How wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”

“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”

“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”

“He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”

“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”

“He died of a broken neck.”

“A broken neck?”

“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

😄 😄 😄


A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too high.”

He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”

She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”

He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”

So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Karen watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karen’s ear.

She said, “Mrs. Grim, Ol’ Spot just died.”

Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’Spot never even stopped.”

😄 😄 😄


A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.

While he’s waiting a friend sees him and asks what he’s doing.

“I’m waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in,” Says the idiot.

“No wonder people call you an idiot,” says the friend. “How do you know it’s not coming in from the other gate?”

😄 😄 😄


Two men went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”

😄 😄 😄


Who should be your best friend at school?

Your princi-pal!

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?

A friend you can count on.

😄 😄 😄


Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then he’d sit at a table, drinks each one by himself and leaves.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks, until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

“Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offer condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences?

“It’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”

“Oh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”

😄 😄 😄


My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldn’t fix.

I suggested, “Break its legs.”

😄 😄 😄


Three guy are in the woods: a really smart guy, an average and a really dumb guy.

They are bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting.

A little while later he comes back with a deer.

The average guy asks, “How did you do that?”

The really smart guy says, “I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer and I shoot deer.”

The average guy says, “I think I understand,” and leaves.

A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon.

He really dumb goes gasp, “How did you do that!?”

And the average looks at him funny and says, “Well I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon and I shoot raccoon.

The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, “Oooohh ok, I think I can do that…,” and leaves.

Hours pass and the guy finally returns hurt, bloody and horribly mingled. They run to help him.

Finally one of the guys asked him what happened.

This is what he said, “I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train and I shoot train, but train keep coming.

😄 😄 😄


Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says “Convert to Christianity and we’ll give you $100.”

The one says to the other, “Should we do it?”

The other says “No! Are you crazy?”

The first guy replies “Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I’m gonna do it.”

So he walks into the church, and a little while later, he walks back out.

The friend says “Well, did you get the money?”

He replies “Oh that’s all you people think about, isn’t it?”

😄 😄 😄


Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”

“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

😄 😄 😄


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:

“Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”

😄 😄 😄


A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.

His wife said, “Well what about your friend Clyde?”

The man replied, “Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren’t looking?”

“No, I guess not,” replied his wife.

The man said, “Neither would Clyde.”

😄 😄 😄


Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

😄 😄 😄


Two friends talking:

“Hey, can I borrow some money? I’m broke.”

“Get money from your job.”

“I got fired.”

“Why?”

“My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.”

😄 😄 😄


My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

😄 😄 😄


Husband: “I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.”

Friend: “Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!”

Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”

😄 😄 😄


Why don’t mummies have friends?

Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.

😄 😄 😄


“How did you manage to do that?”

“I once found a three-legged chick, kept it and get it to have eggs and I ended up with a lot of four legged chickens.”

“But why?”

“Well, I like chicken legs, my wife too and my two kids also. So I thought with a four-legged chicken, we’d only have to kill one every day to feed the family.”

“And how do those four-legged chickens taste like?”

“No idea, never been able to catch one.”

😄 😄 😄


Bula decides it’s time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.

Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.

After a year, at the New Year’s Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.

Johnny: “Well, how’s the business going?”

Bula: “Bad brother, sorry about everything!”

Johnny: “Why?”

Bula: “I don’t have any chickens anymore!”

Johnny: “Good god, why?”

Bula: “If I know, I think I’m doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or don’t water them enough, but one doesn’t raise the hen.”

😄 😄 😄


A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to, buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable”.

Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”

The redhead replies, “She's a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull’.”

😄 😄 😄


A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

After walking along for a while they eventually found a lamp and rubbed it.

A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home.

Poof! She was transported back home.

The brunette wished to be back at home with her family.

Poof! She was magically transported back home.

The blonde then says, “Aww, I wish my friends were here.”

😄 😄 😄





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