Enjoy our team's carefully selected Friend Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
My friend said he was going to start a feeling-blue club, but I declined.
I’m more of an upbeat kind of person.
😄 😄 😄
My friend thinks he’s intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
😄 😄 😄
An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.
She unloads on the doctor, “Doctor, my friends are all being awful people! They’re all telling me I fart all the time, and it’s just plain rude of them!
“Oh really?” The doctor says.
“YEAH! They’re ALL silent so I have no idea why they’d point them out. On top of all that, for them to tell me my gas is enough to gag a maggot. How could your friends say that!!”
“I see,” the doctor says.
“YEAH!! I’ve even felt a few fly out in the office and you’ve not had a SINGLE problem in this visit.”
“Here, take these pills, they should help you out.” The doctor says.
It’s been a day now, and the doctor’s pensively reviewing some charts, when all of a sudden the old lady busts into practice, shouting at the receptionist for the doctor to see her RIGHT AWAY.
She says, “Doctor, what the hell have you done with these pills?! I’m farting ALL THE TIME now and it smells like a landfill!”
After a deep breath, the doctor says, “Now that your nose is fixed, let’s work on your gas and ears.”
😄 😄 😄
Friend 1: “I think my mom’s getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all.”
Friend 2: “How do you know?”
Friend 1: “She’s learning to drive a bulldozer.”
😄 😄 😄
The other day my friend messaged by saying, “Bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.”
I told him to combine them.
He replied, “Your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”
😄 😄 😄
I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend’s mustache.
Now she’s not talking to me.
😄 😄 😄
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
😄 😄 😄
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”
“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
😄 😄 😄
A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.
His wife said, “Well what about your friend Clyde?”
The man replied, “Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren’t looking?”
“No, I guess not,” replied his wife.
The man said, “Neither would Clyde.”
😄 😄 😄
Two friends talking:
“Hey, can I borrow some money? I’m broke.”
“Get money from your job.”
“I got fired.”
“Why?”
“My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.”
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.”
Friend: “Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!”
Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”
😄 😄 😄
If you were a food what would you be?
Friend 1: “Pizza because I’m so cheesy.”
Friend 2: “Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends.”
Me: “Donut because I’m so empty inside.”
😄 😄 😄
Friend 1: “Does she have a boyfriend?”
Friend 2: “Yes, a cute, strong and clever one.”
Friend 1: “What’s the name?”
Friend 2: “John, Michael and Bill.”
😄 😄 😄
A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.
“What’s your favorite flavor?” asks the friend.
“Charm,” replies the physicist.
His friend looks at him.
“Why is it that whenever I ask you a question,” begins the friend, “your answer is always strange?”
“Well, it’s strange ‘now’,” the physicist protests, “shouldn’t have waited a picosecond.”
😄 😄 😄
A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.
“What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.
“Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised.
“Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “you’ll win!”
😄 😄 😄
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
😄 😄 😄
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
😄 😄 😄
Bula decides it’s time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.
Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.
After a year, at the New Year’s Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.
Johnny: “Well, how’s the business going?”
Bula: “Bad brother, sorry about everything!”
Johnny: “Why?”
Bula: “I don’t have any chickens anymore!”
Johnny: “Good god, why?”
Bula: “If I know, I think I’m doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or don’t water them enough, but one doesn’t raise the hen.”
😄 😄 😄
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to, buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable”.
Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”
The redhead replies, “She's a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull’.”
😄 😄 😄
Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.
They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”
The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.”
The first responds, “Watch me.”
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.
The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”
“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, feigning offense.
The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.
Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies.
“Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.”
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”
😄 😄 😄
My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.”
Me: “Hey babe, what do you wanna eat?”
Her: “Nothing.”
Me: Flies to Africa.
😄 😄 😄
My friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
😄 😄 😄
Two men—one a brunette and the other a blonde—were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.
The brunette guy says, “What works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.”
The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks – with no luck.
He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.
The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, “You dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!”
😄 😄 😄
A young idiot is told that it looks like his beard is coming in, so he goes down to the gate to wait for it to arrive.
While he’s waiting a friend sees him and asks what he’s doing.
“I’m waiting for my beard, I was told it was coming in,” Says the idiot.
“No wonder people call you an idiot,” says the friend. “How do you know it’s not coming in from the other gate?”
😄 😄 😄
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says “Convert to Christianity and we’ll give you $100.”
The one says to the other, “Should we do it?”
The other says “No! Are you crazy?”
The first guy replies “Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I’m gonna do it.”
So he walks into the church, and a little while later, he walks back out.
The friend says “Well, did you get the money?”
He replies “Oh that’s all you people think about, isn’t it?”
😄 😄 😄
Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
😄 😄 😄
Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.
Then he’d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.
He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.
“Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.
We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”
His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.
This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.
Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.
Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.
“It’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”
“Oh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”
😄 😄 😄
Three guys are in the woods: a really smart guy, an average and a really dumb guy.
They are bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting.
A little while later he comes back with a deer.
The average guy asks, “How did you do that?”
The really smart guy says, “I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer and I shoot deer.”
The average guy says, “I think I understand,” and leaves.
A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon.
He really dumb goes gasp, “How did you do that!?”
And the average looks at him funny and says, “Well I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon and I shoot raccoon.
The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, “Oooohh ok, I think I can do that…,” and leaves.
Hours pass and the guy finally returns hurt, bloody and horribly mingled. They run to help him.
Finally one of the guys asked him what happened.
This is what he said, “I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train and I shoot train, but train keeps coming.
😄 😄 😄
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were all lost in the desert.
After walking along for a while they eventually found a lamp and rubbed it.
A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home.
Poof! She was transported back home.
The brunette wished to be back at home with her family.
Poof! She was magically transported back home.
The blonde then says, “Aww, I wish my friends were here.”
😄 😄 😄
I asked my German friend how many planets are in our Solar System.
Surprisingly he said, “Nine.”
😄 😄 😄
My small friend always argues that vanilla, chocolate and strawberry are the three best ice cream flavors.
I think he has a Neapolitan complex.
😄 😄 😄
I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.
He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.
😄 😄 😄
What type of mushrooms are the worst to have as friends?
Shii-talkin!
😄 😄 😄
My friend had mushrooms during the party.
Now he’s a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
Who should be your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t mummies have friends?
Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly Freddy and his friends hide from her.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly Forever Alone Guy denied her friend request.
😄 😄 😄
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friends’ noses.
😄 😄 😄
My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year.
He said he’ll be wearing the same kilt as the groom.
I love the idea, but I’m really not sure how they’re both going to fit into it.
😄 😄 😄
My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldn’t fix.
I suggested, “Break its legs.”
😄 😄 😄
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so scary you thought the monsters in your closet were friends.
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I see double!”
Doctor: “Sit on the chair please.”
Patient: “Which one?”
😄 😄 😄
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.”
And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms.”
And he says, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
😄 😄 😄
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.
He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
😄 😄 😄
Pizza Man: “Do you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?”
Customer: “You better make it six. I don’t think I can eat eight.”
😄 😄 😄
A guy is standing in the street shouting out, “I am God! I am God!”
The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.
Walking up to the guy he asks, “What is your name?”
“I am God,” the guy replies getting agitated.
The social worker says, “Calm down. Why don’t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.”
As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, “Oh God, not you again!?”
😄 😄 😄
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
😄 😄 😄
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”
😄 😄 😄
Boss: “Do you believe in life after death?”
Employee: “No, because there is no proof of it.”
Boss: “Well there is now!”
Employee: “How?”
Boss: “When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle’s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.”
😄 😄 😄
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
😄 😄 😄
To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
“Hello.”
😄 😄 😄
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They’re normally around 90 degrees.
😄 😄 😄
It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.
😄 😄 😄
Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.
😄 😄 😄
My neighbors listen to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
😄 😄 😄
Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!
😄 😄 😄
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
😄 😄 😄
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.
Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
😄 😄 😄
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
😄 😄 😄
There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, I think that I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”
Doctor: “Drink this glass of water.”
Patient: “Will it make me better?”
Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”
😄 😄 😄
A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.
“Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,” the pharmacist says. “Don’t worry,” replies the patient. “It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.”
😄 😄 😄
You know you’re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.
😄 😄 😄
On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store.
“Give me a couple of steaks,” he says.
“We’re out of steaks, but we have hot dogs and chicken,” says the butcher.
“Hot dogs and chicken?!” yells the hunter. “How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hot dogs and chickens?!”
😄 😄 😄
Three kids one day found a magical slide.
There was a sign next to it saying “whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down”.
One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.
The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”
😄 😄 😄
Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god?
Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.
😄 😄 😄
A couple is on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing.
He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.
The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.
When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing “Happy birthday!”.
😄 😄 😄
All mushrooms are edible.
But some mushrooms are only edible once.
😄 😄 😄
A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.
“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”
“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.
“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”
😄 😄 😄
Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”
“Yes, my master, I have.”
“And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”
“Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”
And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”
“Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”
“That is the problem. You keep watching all this poop instead of training!”
😄 😄 😄
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
😄 😄 😄
Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor and asks, “What flavors do you have?”
The attendant says, “Over there on the signs on the wall, you’ll see them all.”
Client goes, “Ehm, well I’ll have a cone with two scoops of ‘Mondays Closed’.”
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”
Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman asks a waiter, “What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!”
The waiter says, “Shivering, madam.”
😄 😄 😄
“Mum, I just won this phone in a race!”
“Who was in the race?”
“The owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you pick a green alien for your baseball team?
They’re not ripe yet.
😄 😄 😄
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the worst thing that can happen on a Friday?
When you realize it’s Thursday.
😄 😄 😄
Where can you get 100% off on everything on Black Friday?
At home by not going out.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?
The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the pirate cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?
A rookie.
😄 😄 😄
Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him!
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away!
😄 😄 😄
Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled “The Milky Bars are on me!”, people just cheered.
😄 😄 😄
Public Service Announcement:
“If you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs”
😄 😄 😄
WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT!
IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER.
THE POLICE
😄 😄 😄
Today’s working from home tip:
Blowing on the wine in the mug will help convince your Zoom meeting that your tea is hot.
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “I am working remotely.”
Wife: “You are not even remotely working.”
😄 😄 😄
Friend 1: “Does she have a boyfriend?”
Friend 2: “Yes, a cute, strong and clever one.”
Friend 1: “What’s the name?”
Friend 2: “John, Michael and Bill.”
😄 😄 😄
There are three moles at the bottom of their mole hole.
The first mole—daddy mole—wakes up, climbs to the top, sticks his nose out, and says, “Mmmmm... I smell bacon!”
Mommy mole wakes up. She climbs to the top, sticks her nose out, and says, “Mmmmm... I smell pancakes!”
Baby mole wakes up. He climbs up but gets stuck behind his mom and dad.
He takes a big whiff and says, “All I can smell is molasses!”
😄 😄 😄
A small boy tells his mum that his dad’s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesn’t believe him.
“Your dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,” she says.
“Well he did,” the boy replies, “and one of the animals paid us £50.”
😄 😄 😄
Sunday school teacher: “Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”
Johnny: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”
😄 😄 😄
On Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy...
Getting up off the floor is another story.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the jack-o’-lantern afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts.
😄 😄 😄
Why do cemeteries contain the best stories?
Because they have so many plots.
😄 😄 😄
What did the constipated hot dog say?
Muuussttuurrrdd!!
😄 😄 😄
Why do football players struggle at bowling?
Because they had a hard time kicking the ball!
😄 😄 😄
Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?
He was caught taking asteroids.
😄 😄 😄
You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?
Diabetes.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the man intentionally get kicked in the face by a horse?
He wanted a horseshoe mustache.
😄 😄 😄
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
“Let’s have another round, shall we?”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?
Done!
😄 😄 😄
I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?
Ugly.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow?
The “inedible snowman”.
😄 😄 😄
A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn’t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: “What are you waiting for?”
The husband replies, “Autumn.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man was found dead this morning.
Police believe he committed insecticide.
😄 😄 😄
life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
It’s more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.
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What do you have against some people?
Well… for example, knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenades…
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Doctor: “I’ve got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live.”
Patient: “What could be worse news than that?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to contact you for the last 6 days.”
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Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey—he’s always stuffed.
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Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
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Why are cats better than babies?
Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
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Yo mama so old her first cruise was on Noah’s Ark.
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Yo mama so ugly the government decided to move Halloween to her birthday.
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Yo mama so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
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Yo Mama so stupid she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.
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Yo Mama is so old she’s got a Bible autographed by Jesus.
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Yo mama so old she rode dinosaurs to school.
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Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
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Your mama so fat a picture of her would fall off the wall!
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Your momma so short she takes a shower in a raindrop.
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Yo momma so fat she can’t reach her back pocket.
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It was so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
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Did you know, you can make any dish an autumn dish by adding one simple step?
Try dropping it on the floor.
It really gives it that fall flavor.
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My wife mentioned that she couldn’t remember if she took her anti-anxiety medication.
I asked if she was worried about it.
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A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.
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It’s cleaning day today.
I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
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A golden rule of the wife:
There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.
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Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
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Have you ever seen how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning the game?
I found out that this is frowned upon in bowling.
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How Chuck Norris plays golf?
He stares at the ball and the ball goes into the hole to hide.
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One eye told the other, “Between you and me, something smells.”
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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s barrel racing there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”
“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re up here in the slack on Friday.”
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Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.
“Incredible!,” says his friend.
“Medical science is amazing!”
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
“Incredible!,” says his friend.
“Medical science is amazing!”
Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
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Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs”.
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.
Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
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A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too high.”
He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”
She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”
So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Karen watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karen’s ear.
She said, “Mrs. Grim, Ol’ Spot just died.”
Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’Spot never even stopped.”
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Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:
“Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”
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So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said, “Si.”
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A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling.
It’s a gnocchia.
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When Mark Zuckerberg made Facebook, he already had a friend request from Chuck Norris.
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Two college students accidentally miss the math final exam.
The next day, they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam.
When they both showed up, he told one of them to wait outside while he tested the other. So one enters and the other puts his ear to the door to listen.
The professor begins asking the question, “You are riding in a train car and you get too hot. What do you do?”
The student replies, “I open the window.”
“OK. Now that window is 2 feet wide and 3 feet high. The train is traveling 50 mph going north and the wind is blowing at 15 mph due east. How long will it take for new air to replace the old air in the car?”
The student is clearly confused by this difficult question and just answers, “I don’t know.”
So the professor gives him an F, dismisses him, and calls in his friend.
He begins asking his friend, “You are riding in a train car and it gets too hot. What do you do?”
He says, “I will take my jacket off.” “OK. But it’s still too hot. What do you do?”
“I take my shirt off.”
“I understand but it’s very, very hot.”
“I will just get naked.”
“OK. But there are people in the car who will see you get naked.”
“With all respect, professor,” said the student, “I don’t care if my grandmother and my priest are there, there’s no way I’m opening that darn window!”
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Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.
He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson’s Nails.
“Give me a week,” says the friend, “and I’ll be back with an ad.”
A week goes by, and the marketing executive comes to see Benson. He opens his laptop and presses play:
A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, “Use Benson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”
Benson goes mad, shouting, “What is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!”
Another week goes by, and the marketing man comes back to see Benson with another ad.
He turns his laptop around and hits play. This time, the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, “Benson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”
Benson is beside himself, “You don’t understand: I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.”
A week passes, and Benson waits impatiently.
The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them stops, turns to the camera, and says, “If only we had used Benson’s Nails!”
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Nobody wants to be alone.
A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance. Beer belly, completely bald...
I don’t like her chances.
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My non-vegetarian friend told me to eat chicken, it’s very healthy.
I said no, it WAS healthy, but you ate it.
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A man visits a friend recovering from the flu that had him bedridden for weeks.
Surprisingly, the friend says it’s been a happy and wonderful experience.
“How so?” asks the man.
Friend: “Well, I’ve found out how much my wife loves me and how pleased she is to have me home.”
Man: “How do you know?”
Friend: “Well, every time the postman, the milkman or the dustman comes by, she runs out shouting ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’.”
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The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend.
Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend.
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My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he’s had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood.
Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?
Axeing for a friend.
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Two hunters were out hunting in the woods when one of them collapsed.
The other hunter whipped out his phone and dialed 911.
The hunter tells the operator that he thinks his friend is dead.
The operator calms down the hunter and tells him to make sure he’s dead.
There was a brief pause and all of a sudden a gunshot could be heard.
“Okay, he’s definitely dead. What next?” asks the hunter.
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My friend said he wanted to start feeling more blue.
So I gave him a bottle of blue-cation.
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My friend said he was in a blue funk.
But I told him not to worry because I’m an expert at funk-squashing.
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I asked my friend what he was doing to stay happy in his job.
And he said he was always searching for blue skies.
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Why are dyslexic people religious?
Because they think god is man’s best friend.
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My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space.
I mean, what a thing to say to a friend. It totally ruined our bath!
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Wife asks, “Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?”
Husband: “I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.”
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My friend went bankrupt after inventing a sandal for people with only one leg.
It was a flop.
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An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed in the opposite direction.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”
Likewise, the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”
The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.”
The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”
So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.
He says to the Marine, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”
The Marine replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap, and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, “Your turn!”
The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine, and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
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“It’s your birthday? How old are you?” asks the man’s friend.
“I’m seven and one-seventh,” replies the man.
“How’s that, you look about 50 to me?” asks the friend.
“Every time I chat up a nice lady she calls me an old dog, so I figure I get to count age in dog years now!”
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Why can you trust your friends more after turning 50?
Because you can’t even remember each other’s names, let alone your deepest secrets!
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TIL the inventor of Nachos was a notorious cheese thief.
His friends often remarked, “Hey, that’s not yo cheese.”
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After the 4th of July fireworks caused finger injuries, what did the friends say?
Nothing, they couldn’t count on me.
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