Dog Puns and Hilarious Dog Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Dog Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Dog Jokes


Best Dog Joke Ever



A woman goes to her boyfriendโ€™s parentsโ€™ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasnโ€™t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriendโ€™s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the womenโ€™s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, โ€œGinger!โ€

The woman thought, โ€œThis is great!โ€ and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didnโ€™t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, โ€œDammit, Ginger!โ€

Once again the woman smiled and thought, โ€œYes!โ€

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didnโ€™t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, โ€œDammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One-Liners Jokes About Dogs



It is so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog.

After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasnโ€™t good for dogs.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, โ€œSee? This is why I chew the furniture!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My poor dog doesnโ€™t have a big nose.

That makes him smell terrible.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...

Theyโ€™re too fast. Iโ€™d never win.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I canโ€™t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess thatโ€™s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s a good thing snakes and dogs donโ€™t interbreed.

Nobody wants a loyal snake.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dog Puns Funny



Spider bite created Spider-Man. What would a dogโ€™s bite create?

Doberman.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knick-knack paddywhack, guess what that old man gave his dog?

A bone.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What giant dog is made of strawberry, vanilla and chocolate ice cream?

A Neapolitan Mastiff.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the student eat his homework?

Because he didnโ€™t have a dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?

Because he was a German shepherd.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Short Funny Dog Jokes for Adults



Ever had to force your dog into taking its medication?

Itโ€™s the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know youโ€™re up to something.

So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they donโ€™t bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes.

But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Friend 1: โ€œMy dog rolled around in the mud all day. How does he smell?โ€

Friend 2: โ€œLike dirt?โ€

Friend 1: โ€œNope, with his nose.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three women escape from prisonโ€”a blonde and two brunettesโ€”and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farmhouse.

Inside the house, there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.

One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, โ€œThere are just three burlap sacks in here!โ€

To which his partner replies, โ€œThen kick them just to be sure itโ€™s not them hidingโ€.

The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, โ€œMEEEYYOWW!โ€

The officer says, โ€œOh, itโ€™s just a stupid cat in there.โ€

So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, โ€œRUUFFF RUFFF!โ€

The officer says, โ€œOh, itโ€™s just a stupid dog!โ€

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, โ€œPOTATOES!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, โ€œWhatโ€™s the word on the street?โ€

โ€œOnce my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Funny Jokes About Dog Owners



Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.

They pass a bar and the lab owner says, โ€œLetโ€™s get a beer.โ€

The chihuahua walker complains, โ€œThat would be great, but we canโ€™t take our dogs in there.โ€

The first responds, โ€œWatch me.โ€

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.

The bartender tells her, โ€œSorry, you canโ€™t bring your dog in here.โ€

โ€œHeโ€™s my seeing-eye dog,โ€ the woman replies, feigning offense.

The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.

The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.

Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.

โ€œHeโ€™s my seeing-eye dog,โ€ the woman replies.

โ€œYeah, right,โ€ the bartender says, โ€œA chihuahua? Give me a break.โ€

Without missing a beat, the woman replies, โ€œThey gave me a chihuahua?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.

โ€œSure,โ€ the airline agent said, โ€œas long as you provide your own kennel.โ€

She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was perplexed.

โ€œIโ€™ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dog Jokes for Kids



Why did the skeleton run away?

Because a dog was after his bones.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?

A friend you can count on.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Can a dog jump higher than a house?

Well, duh. Houses canโ€™t jump.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t dogs make good dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Funny Jokes About Hot Dogs



What dog canโ€™t bark?

A hot dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog.

Heโ€™s the only one who feeds the hand that bites him.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you give a dog with a fever?

Mustard because itโ€™s the best thing for a hot dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, โ€œI hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.โ€

โ€œOdd,โ€ her companion replies, โ€œbut if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.โ€

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.

โ€œTwo dogs, please,โ€ she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their โ€œdogsโ€.

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.

Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, โ€œWhat part did you get?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Funny Jokes About Pets



A man enters a pet shop and wants to buy a polar bear.

The shop assistant takes the man to the bearโ€™s cage and says, โ€œThe polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, donโ€™t touch his nose.โ€

The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK.

Until the man canโ€™t no longer withstand, โ€œI have to try what happens when I touch his nose!โ€

So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.

Finally, the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him.

With his paw, the bear taps the manโ€™s shoulder and says, โ€œYou are it!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his backyard.

The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.

โ€œHello Johnny, what are you up to?โ€ he asked.

โ€œMy goldfish died and Iโ€™m gonna bury him,โ€ Johnny replied.

โ€œThatโ€™s a really big hole for a goldfish, isnโ€™t it?โ€ asked the neighbor.

โ€œThatโ€™s because heโ€™s inside your cat!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to an old ladyโ€™s door.

She answers and he says, โ€œIโ€™m so sorry, I ran over your cat. Iโ€™d like to replace it.โ€

The old woman says, โ€œOkay, how good are you at catching mice?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.

The owner said, โ€œHeck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!โ€

She said, โ€œI can teach it good manners.โ€

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, โ€œDid you learn your lesson?โ€

It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.

She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.

The parrot said โ€œBrr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Funny Pet Jokes One-Liners



Public Service Announcement:

โ€œIf you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggsโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Me: โ€œI have a Zoom meeting later.โ€

My cat: โ€œOh, me too.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old her first pet was from Jurassic Park.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?

He ate him on Sunday night!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo Mama's so disgusting she keeps maggots as pets.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When youโ€™re a mouse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do cats always win video games?

Because they have nine lives!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do cats hate laptops?

They donโ€™t have a mouse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Long Dog Jokes Funny



A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driverโ€”a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieโ€”poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, โ€œHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?โ€

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, โ€œSure.โ€

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, โ€œYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.โ€

โ€œImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,โ€ said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, โ€œIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?โ€

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, โ€œYouโ€™re on.โ€

โ€œYou are an auditor,โ€ said the shepherd without hesitation.

โ€œThatโ€™s correct,โ€ said the young man, impressed. โ€œHowever did you guess?โ€

โ€œIt wasnโ€™t a guess,โ€ replied the shepherd. โ€œYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenโ€™t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, โ€œNo mushrooms. They are too high.โ€

He said, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.โ€

She said, โ€œNo, some wild mushrooms are poison.โ€

He said, โ€œWell, I see varmints eating them and theyโ€™re OK.โ€

So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Olโ€™ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Olโ€™ Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Karen watched Olโ€™ Spot and the wild mushrooms didnโ€™t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karenโ€™s ear.

She said, โ€œMrs. Grim, Olโ€™ Spot just died.โ€

Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, โ€œThatโ€™s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. Weโ€™ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyoneโ€™s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.โ€

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, โ€œI think everything will be fine now,โ€ and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, โ€œYou know, that fellow that ran over Olโ€™Spot never even stopped.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Long and Bad Dog Jokes for Adults



A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldnโ€™t stand the curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, โ€œI am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but Iโ€™ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?โ€

The woman replied, โ€œWell, that first hearse is for my husband.โ€

โ€œWhat happened to him?โ€

The woman replied, โ€œMy dog attacked him to death.โ€

She inquired further, โ€œWell, who is in the second hearse?โ€

The woman answered, โ€œMy mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.โ€

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

โ€œCan I borrow the dog?โ€

โ€œGet in line!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But Iโ€™m not sure if Iโ€™ll keep them.

The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.

I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.

I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.

What luck! An ad for โ€œGorilla removalโ€.

I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.

5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.

At this point, I asked the guy, โ€œHey whatโ€™s the plan?โ€

He said, โ€œWell, Iโ€™m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and youโ€™ll never see that Gorilla again.โ€

To which I asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s the shotgun for?โ€

โ€œWell, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


More Dog Jokes



Chuck Norris once taught a French Bulldog to be English.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What farm animal keeps the best time?

A watch dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What type of construction are dogs good at?

Roofing.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is dogโ€™s favoriteย breakfast?

Pooched eggs.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are dyslexic people religious?

Because they think god is manโ€™s best friend.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?

Lucky.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œItโ€™s your birthday? How old are you?โ€ asks the manโ€™s friend.

โ€œIโ€™m seven and one-seventh,โ€ replies the man.

โ€œHowโ€™s that, you look about 50 to me?โ€ asks the friend.

โ€œEvery time I chat up a nice lady she calls me an old dog, so I figure I get to count age in dog years now!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


















© 2022-2023 jokes.best