What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?
We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.
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I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work on a Minion Day.
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Why did the boy stop eating donuts?
Because he got bored with the hole thing.
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite online music app?
Spot-a-fly.
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What is Loki’s least favorite day of the week?
Thor’s Day.
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I just found out that the UK doesn’t have a kidney bank.
But at least it has a Liverpool.
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How do you make a pool table laugh?
Tickle its balls.
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Why do lemons use sun tan lotion?
Because if they don’t they’ll peel!
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The ice cream parlor asks for my order.
Parlor: “Hello Sir, can I take your order?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a male hot fudge sundae please.”
Parlor: “I’m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?”
Me: “Yes, with nuts.”
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When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In a dictionary.
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When the red panda got tired, it decided to take a koala-ty nap.
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How do you call a cow in Ramadan?
A Mooslim.
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Your sister is so fat her Apple Watch is an iPad Pro on a rope.
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Why didn’t the vampire bite Taylor Swift?
Because she had bad blood.
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What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
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A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, “HIJACK!”
All the passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “HI JOHN!”
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Did you hear about the baseball player who can spot a fast-food restaurant from miles away?
He leads the league in Arby eyes.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
After a very long pause.
“Java.”
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Where do pumpkins hold meetings?
In the gourdroom.
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