A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”, he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
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When should you wear flip-flop sandals?
On a Toesday.
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Your forehead is so big your entire face is on your chin.
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How does a robot eat its guacamole?
With micro-chips.
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I almost called 911 when an armed man came into my restaurant.
But he assured me he didn’t want any beef.
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You’re so ugly when you sit in the sand, the cats try to bury you.
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My red panda went on a shopping spree and ended up with a paw-ful of amazing deals.
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Having regained consciousness after a car accident, the doctor is trying to convince me that I am actually a Swedish guy and I have lost my memory.
Does he think I was Bjorn yesterday?
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Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
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What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom!
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The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidentally been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot.
They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered...
Neil before Zod.
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A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.
“What are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!” The policeman says.
The next week he stops the same car to see that the man still has the lynx, “I thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.” He says.
“I did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was surprised to see his happy demeanor.
Doctor: “What is the secret of your good health?”
Old man: “I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling. And then come back and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health.”
Doctor: “Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died?”
Old man: “My father died! Who told you that he died?!”
Doctor (surprised): “You mean that you are 80 years old, and your father is still alive? So how old is he now?”
Old man: “He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine.”
Doctor: “This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family’s genes. So, how old was your grandfather when he died?”
Old man: “My grandfather died! Who told you that he died?!”
Doctor (puzzled): “You mean that you are 80 years old, and your grandfather is still alive very much! What is his age?”
Old man: “Yes, he is 123 years old.”
Doctor: “I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too?”
Old man: “No, Grandpa could not go this morning, because he is getting married today.”
Doctor (on the verge of going mad): “Why would he want to get married at the age of 123?”
Old man: “Who said he wanted to get married? He had to be forced.”
Doctor (shouted): “But why?!”
Old man: “The Girl is pregnant, that’s why.”
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since. The clinic is closed.
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Can February march?
No, but April may.
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Spider-Man 1: “Homecoming”
Spider-Man 2: “Far from Home”
Spider-Man 3: “Homeless”
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My father asked me how my last hike went.
I told him, “It had its ups and downs.”
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Let me be frank, I love the summer.
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What do you call a camel with no hump on a Wednesday?
Humph-rey.
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Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning.
Because I can’t get out of bed.
😄 😄 😄
