Since quarantine I’ve not had a haircut. Hell, I’ve not even stepped on the scales.
So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.
Who knew hair weighed so much?!
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The doctor took an x-ray of my heart and almost fainted.
Frightened, he asked me what happened.
I told him, “Don’t worry; I gave my heart to you. That’s why it’s missing.”
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My boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and can’t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting.
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What do you call a Chinese lobster?
A crust-asian.
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My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... she’s imaginary.
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How many people can you fit in one Honda?
Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.
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Two kids were discussing their back to school sets.
Kid 1: “I have a pen that can write underwater.”
Kid 2: “Wow really?!”
Kid 1: “Yep. It can write other words, too.”
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How does Shrek like his eggs?
Ogre easy.
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Why is the moon constantly moody?
She’s just going through a phase.
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What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody nose.
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Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday?
One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.
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Did you hear about that dyslexic Japanese samurai?
He was so dishonored, that he committed Sudoku.
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A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.
His father replied, “Ten dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, I’d be happy to give you a dollar, here’s a quarter.”
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Chuck Norris once soaked his beard in carbonated water.
The result is now sold as Red Bull.
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Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.
In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes of silence.
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What language do Brazilian geese speak?
Portu-geese.
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Girlfriend: “What’s the day today?”
Boyfriend: “Monday.”
Girlfriend: “The...?”
Boyfriend: “Day before Tuesday.”
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Europ vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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What do you get when you cross Rosie the Riveter and Super Mario?
A princess who can save herself.
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Good morning!
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’m aiming for the cheese today!
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