I recently played in a Star Wars themed cricket match.
Every time the ball was delivered the umpire struck back.
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Your mama so short people thought she was a Funko Pop.
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of
feminine product for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The salesgirl says confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some
feminine product for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.”
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Yo mama so old her first Christmas was The First Christmas.
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I heard Pinterest is making a new feature for gardeners.
It’s called “Pin-terest”.
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How do aliens pay for coffee?
They use star bucks!
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All the coffee beans in Colombia won’t make me a morning person.
Good morning!
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They say that two things in life are unavoidable: death and taxes.
At least death only happens once!
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Why is the number 237 magical?
Because it is Hex ED.
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Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the roadrunner.
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Akpos: “Why are all these people running?”
Man: “This is a race, the winner will get the cup.”
Akpos: “If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?”
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What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
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How many data scientists does it take to screw in the light bulb?
Three. One for training sample, one for validation and one for test sample.
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What’s the best way to talk to The Mind Flayer?
From a distance.
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Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.
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In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she.
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What three things would you bring if you were stranded on a deserted island?
Irony, the Oxford comma and a missed opportunity.
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Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset.
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What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?
The dentist.
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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s barrel racing there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”
“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re up here in the slack on Friday.”
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