What do bees use to build roads?
Nec-tar.
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Why didn’t the shark want to fight the octopus?
Because he knew the octopus was well armed.
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A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.
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What’s the stupidest element on the periodic table?
Silicon.
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What did the blue paint brush say to the red paint brush?
“I blue you away.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Howard.”
“Howard, who?”
“Howard you like to sing Christmas carols with me?”
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My wife was talking about funeral plans.
My Wife: “I said we’ll give you a military send off like the sailors on a ship.”
Me: “I was in the Air Force.”
My Wife: “OK, we’ll toss you out of an airplane.”
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It has been said about tax:
“For doing wrong, you are taxed a fine.
For doing well, you are fined a tax.”
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You so ugly on Halloween someone said, “Scary costume!”
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The baby blue eyes were coldly warm.
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Why can’t violins finish a crossword puzzle?
Because violins never solved anything.
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What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business?
Amazon Web Services.
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A Muslim man told his wife that she needed to start embracing her mistakes.
So she gave him a hug.
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You’re so fat you got stuck when you dove into the Grand Canyon.
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He’s a blue-chip investment for any company.
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I hate early mornings, but I love waking you up.
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How does a demon workout?
He exorcises.
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I tried to dye my dog’s hair blue.
But I guess he was blue-ish.
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When the history teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said:
“Need Tudoring?”
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What were Stephen Hawking’s last words?
“Error 404. File not found.”
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