What kind of car did the famous sushi chef drive?
A rolls rice.
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When Chuck Norris looks into the mirror it breaks because nobody gets between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
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What vegetable can tie your shoes?
String beans.
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I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding.
He said, “Suit yourself.”
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Two Roofers—Bob and Dan—were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.
Bob and Dan decided that, since it was early, they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.
It was nearing 5 PM, and they hadn’t seen hide nor hair of anyone.
So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.
Bob says, “It’s the only way down. I will go first.”
Bob jumped.
Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, “Hey Bob! How deep did you go?”
Bob yells back, “I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!”
Dan jumps... and sinks clear up to his neck in manure!
“I thought when you jumped, you went up to your ankles?” he shouts at his friend.
“I did...” explained Bob, “but I landed head first!”
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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
A tire.
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Johnny tried to buy a toy car with Monopoly money at the store.
The cashier said, “There’s no way I can take this. It’s fake.”
Johnny said, “Well, the car’s not real either.”
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What type of brief packs a punch?
A boxer brief.
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Apparently, Jude Law has a vegetarian son.
Coles Law.
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What’s yellow and always points north?
A magnetic minion.
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Otters have a seafood diet: clams, crabs, mussels, you name it.
Basically, they see food, they eat it.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ivana.”
“Ivana, who?”
“Ivana piece of your birthday cake.”
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Why did the fungi leave the party?
There wasn’t mush-room for dancing.
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity.
Twice.
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I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.
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My Mom said she’d been looking forward to Mother’s Day for ages.
I said, “Why? Your Mum’s dead.”
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What is the official animal of National Pi Day?
The pi-thon.
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Then I said, “Your beard makes you look thinner.”
...But that didn’t seem to cheer her up.
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What do you call a zombie that writes the music?
Decomposer.
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