I bought a guitar made out of diamond.
Now I can play some hard rock.
😄 😄 😄
It’s cleaning day today.
I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat when she went to In-N-Out she couldn’t get in nor out.
😄 😄 😄
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
😄 😄 😄
My wife just called me lazy and said I’d better have something planned for Valentine’s Day.
I said, “Yes, I was thinking of taking the Christmas decorations down.”
😄 😄 😄
“It’s clear,” said the teacher, “that you haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?”
“Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down.”
😄 😄 😄
Most of my group wanted to go mushroom hunting.
I call them the morel majority.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Tai Wan Shu.
😄 😄 😄
You’ll never hear Uranus complain.
Because it’s got a good atmosphere about it.
😄 😄 😄
A blonde buys two horses and she can’t tell them apart.
So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off.
So she does. But then the other horse’s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.
So she can’t tell them apart again.
She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses’ ears.
So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused.
She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.
She comes back and says, “The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!”
😄 😄 😄
How do construction workers party?
They raise the roof.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a bass player who broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
😄 😄 😄
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
😄 😄 😄
Yeah, I like NFTs...
Nachos,
Fajitas &
Tacos.
😄 😄 😄
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
😄 😄 😄
What did the constipated hot dog say?
Muuussttuurrrdd!!
😄 😄 😄
What would you call Israel if it disappeared away?
Wasreal.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
😄 😄 😄
Thought I saw my first super hero today. He was sprinting down the street wearing a cape.
Turns out, he hadn’t paid for his haircut.
😄 😄 😄
Why are jokes about suicide bombers are not funny.
Well for starters, their delivery is just everywhere.
😄 😄 😄
