You could never be ice cream, because you are too hot!
😄 😄 😄
I’ve lost all my Pokémon cards in a house fire.
I’ve only got Ash now.
😄 😄 😄
What does a mushroom sit on?
A toadstool.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can’t be racist, because to him there are no people, just light and dark targets.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so cold, you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
😄 😄 😄
Little Red Riding Hood walks through the forest and sees a wolf hunched under a tree with its ears erect and its mouth stretched in a big grimace.
She says to the wolf, “My, what big ears you have!”
The wolf keeps grimacing.
She says, “My, what big eyes you have!"
The wolf grimaces even wider, baring his teeth.
She says, "My, what big teeth you have!”
The wolf finally snaps and says, “Go to hell! I’m trying to take a dump!”
😄 😄 😄
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it.
I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore, which is understandable.
The bike was already retired.
😄 😄 😄
Why are Saudi Arabians clueless?
Because they live under Iraq.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into the doctor’s office.
A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.
The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short that I can’t see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.
😄 😄 😄
A preschooler is asked to write the first sentence every member of his family said.
When he got home, he saw his mom on the phone. He asked her to say a sentence, but she yelled, “Shut up, I’m on the phone!” So, he wrote that down.
He then came into the living room and saw his dad watching a soccer game. The team he was rooting for had just scored the winning goal, so he shouted, “Yes, yes, yes!” The kid wrote that down.
He came upstairs and was going to enter his sister’s room, but he heard her planning a sleepover. He heard her say, “I’m going to stay the night and leave in the morning.” The kid wrote that down.
Next, he watched his brother play with an action figure, and when he picked up Batman, he said, “Dun nu nu nu nu Batman!” That was also written down.
Finally, he saw his little brother reading a book out loud. The first sentence he heard was, “The king’s throne.”
The next day, the teacher said, “Please tell me the first sentence that you wrote down.”
The kid shouted, “Shut up, I’m on the phone!”
The teacher was shocked.
She replied angrily, “Do you want to see the principal?!”
The kid didn’t hear her, so he said, “Yes, yes, yes!”
When the kid got sent to the principal’s office, he still had the paper in his hand.
The principal saw it and asked what was written down on it.
The kid answered, “Shut up, I’m on the phone!”
The principal said, “Excuse me? Who do you think you are?”
The kid continued reading, “Dun nu nu nu nu Batman!”
The principal was very angry and asked with anger, “How long do you want to be here, punk?”
The kid still continued to read, “I’m going to stay the night and leave in the morning.”
Now the principal was fuming, “Is there anywhere special you want to go?!”
The kid replied, “The king’s throne.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the skydiver say in autumn?
I love the fall.
😄 😄 😄
Akpos’s wife was busy singing in the bedroom.
Akpos: “You know, my dear, when you sing like that, I just wish you were on a radio.
Wife: “Wow, honey. Am I that good?”
Akpos: “No, at least on a radio I can change the station.”
😄 😄 😄
I just walked past a man in shorts carrying a really long stick and I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said, “No, I’m German, how did you know my name was Walter?”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so short she doesn’t roll dice she pushes them.
😄 😄 😄
Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.
Because actions speak louder than words.
😄 😄 😄
Why is March through May the best time of the month to buy a mattress?
It’s when they are the most springy.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call your co-workers in a boring and depressing workplace?
Melancolleague(s).
😄 😄 😄
