Did you hear about the mermaid who decided to join human society?
Despite her efforts, others still viewed her as a fish out of water.
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Iโm balding and that makes me sad. But thanks to the miracle of science...
I take antidepressants and now Iโm never sad!
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I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said, โWow, thatโs cool!โ
And he replied, โSorry, maโam, it can only warm.โ
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A golden rule of the wife:
There isnโt a problem in the world that couldnโt be created.
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My wife mentioned that she couldnโt remember if she took her anti-anxiety medication.
I asked if she was worried about it.
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A man calls home to his wife and says, โHoney, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. Weโll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion Iโve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. Weโre leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.โ
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, โYes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didnโt you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?โ
โI did, theyโre in your tackle box.โ
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When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you are eating a watermelon.
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Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.
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The economy is so bad, if the bank returns your check marked โinsufficient fundsโ, you call and ask if they meant you or them.
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A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit.
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.
The wolf turns to the moose and says, โLook, the bear and I are both carnivores. Itโs been a couple days without food. You understand, right?โ
The moose says, โYeah, I guess youโre right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but Iโve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?โ
The wolf says, โOf course.โ
So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.
The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says, โI donโt even know why the hell I looked. I canโt even read.โ
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It is said regarding motivation that โthe first step is always the hardestโ.
As someone with plantar fasciitis, I could not agree more.
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A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad. Her mother asks her whatโs wrong.
She says, โBill proposed to me an hour ago.โ
Her mother asks, โWhy are you so sad then?โ
The girl replies, โBecause he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesnโt even believe thereโs a hell.โ
Her mother says, โMarry him anyway. Between the two of us, weโll show him how wrong he is.โ
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I get plenty of exercise:
jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
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Morals:
1. Money is not everything. Thereโs also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So donโt touch them.
6. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...
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I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
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Since quarantine Iโve not had a haircut. Hell, Iโve not even stepped on the scales.
So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.
Who knew hair weighed so much?!
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The doctor took an x-ray of my heart and almost fainted.
Frightened, he asked me what happened.
I told him, โDonโt worry; I gave my heart to you. Thatโs why itโs missing.โ
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My boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and canโt figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting.
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What do you call a Chinese lobster?
A crust-asian.
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My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... sheโs imaginary.
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