What do clams do on a summer vacation?
They shell-ebrate.
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A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.
One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind.
A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain his curiosity, we stopped by the next day on his way home and knocked on the farmer’s door.
An old man answered, and he asked him about the pig with the wooden legs. The old man thought for a few minutes before answering.
“Well, son, let me tell you about this here pig.
One day I was out plowing in the back forty, and my tractor hit a rut. It tipped over and trapped me under it. I was pinned down and slowly pushed into the mud, where I knew I was going to be smothered and die.
This pig saw what happened, ran back to the farm, and made a huge ruckus. Then, when people came out to see what was going on, he led them to me.
Yep, that pig saved my life that day.”
The man agreed that was an amazing story, but he still didn’t understand about the wooden legs.
The old farmer thought some more, then told him another story.
“Well, a couple of nights ago, my wife and I were sleeping in the house when the barn caught fire. The wind was kicking up, and it was spreading to the main house.
If it weren’t for that there pig banging on the windows and squealing and raising Cain, we would have died in that fire.
Pig saved our lives, no doubt about it.”
The man was flabbergasted, “Sir, I will grant you that is a marvelous animal, but I still don’t understand why it has two wooden legs?”
The old farmer looked out into the yard and nodded to the pig, “Son, you must be a city boy, because everybody knows a pig that good, you don’t eat all at once.”
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What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry?
Shrekspeare.
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The Earth was flat until Chuck Norris looked in its direction.
Then it rolled up into a ball.
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Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!
It’s a brand new day full of possibilities and bacon.
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Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
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Why did the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
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A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code.
He refused to comment.
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What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
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I asked the bank for a loan to open a pizza delivery by drone business.
They refused. Said my business case was just pie in the sky.
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I got my Mom a scratchcard for Mother’s Day, but I couldn’t resist scratching it off myself. And would you believe it, it was a $10,000 winner!
I’m sure she’ll like the flowers.
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What was the trickiest question on a diabetes website?
It asked if I would accept cookies.
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Why don’t Mexicans use ChatGPT?
Cos they’ll never cheat on an essay.
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Why did the daughter start eating donuts?
Because her mother said, “You better eat hole foods.”
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A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.”
And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms.”
And he says, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”
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Why do toadstools grow so close together?
They don’t need mush-room.
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If bats could talk, what would they say about the coronavirus?
Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down!
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When you’re a mouse.
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Yo mama’s so hairy that she gets mistaken for Chewbacca’s cousin.
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I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway.
Just in case there’s a traffic jam.
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