Did you hear about the Spanish woman who is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“What do you mean if I can read this?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the dude.”
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Thanks to the coronavirus, we can now explain calling Gen Z “Zoomers”.
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What do you call a retired old cowboy?
De-ranged.
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I lost my pet dolphin.
Now my life has no porpoise.
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How does a lobster answer the phone?
“Shello?”
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Dating me is basically just being asked the most outrageous hypothetical questions like 10 times a day.
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An alien drops by the White House and exclaims, “Take me to your leader.”
The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.
“Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!” calls a Senator.
“You are right,” responds the alien.
“See you on Thursday!”
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent.
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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What did the comet say when it visited Uranus?
“This place is a gas!”
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My doctor informed me that they’ve found life on other planets.
He says there are worms living in Uranus.
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Looking for a boyfriend in engineering.
The odds are good, but the goods are odd.
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What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lilly.
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What did the sky say to the ocean?
Nothing, they just had a blue period together.
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What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Where’s my watch?”
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You are so dumb you thought a thesaurus was a kind of dinosaur.
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The moon has been talking for a long time now, I think it’s just moon-ologging at this point!
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Three Indian commandos were out in the Iraqi desert.
“I understand that you, Indians, have brought your own indigenous survival equipment,” ventured their captain.
“Sir, I have brought an entire barrel cactus,” said the Pima guy proudly. “When I get too hot, I just cut off the top and take a drink.”
The captain looked impressed.
Not to be outdone, the Pueblo guy said, “Sir, I have brought the sacred corn pollen. When I get too hot, I pray with it, and then it rains.”
The captain looked even more impressed.
Not to be outdone, the Pawnee guy said, “I brought a car door off a 1959 Chevy Impala.”
“Why would you do that?” the captain asked.
“Well,” said the Pawnee guy, “when I get too hot, I just roll down the window.”
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What is a Guitarist’s Favorite Snack?
String cheese.
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What do you call a Polish ape?
Chimpanski.
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