Did you hear about the world crossword puzzle champion who died?
He was buried six feet down and three feet across.
😄 😄 😄
Who should be your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
😄 😄 😄
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?
He deserted his post.
😄 😄 😄
What is dog’s favorite breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man spin webs?
Because he doesn’t know how to knit.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Waffle.”
“Waffle, who?”
“Waffle lot of pancakes for breakfast?”
😄 😄 😄
I’ve got a meeting with the guy who invented the progress bar during the era of dial-up internet.
He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he’s stuck in traffic and he’s going to be here in 6 hours and 54 minutes.
Edit 2: He’s making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.
Edit 3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days.
😄 😄 😄
The Earth and the Moon were talking.
Earth: “Moon, how are you?”
Moon: ...
Earth: “Moon! Are you okay??”
Moon: “What? Sorry I was miles away.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a shekel!
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the bingo caller who had a tumor?
Luckily, the tumor was B-9.
😄 😄 😄
Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short.
Looks like they ran out of characters.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t lobsters like to share?
Because they’re shellfish.
😄 😄 😄
I burst into tears right before my physics exam.
The professor asked, “What’s the matter?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the alien bring a gift to Uranus?
It wanted to show its appreciation for the atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot.
“I don’t know how you sleep at night.”
😄 😄 😄
“Dad, do you like baked apples?”
“Yes son, why?”
“The orchard’s on fire.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife said, “Did you know butterflies only live for one day?”
I said, “That’s a myth.”
She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”
😄 😄 😄
What did one ear of corn say to the other traveling down the highway?
Looks like we had a tire pop out.
😄 😄 😄
