Why do fat people cause earthquakes?
Because they’re always moving plates.
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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, “You’re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before it’s too late!”
The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later, a loud crash is heard.
One of the nuns thoughtfully says, “Sister, shall we just write ‘Attention, the bridge is demolished’?”
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Akpos told his servant, “Go and water the plants.”
Servant: “It’s already raining.”
Akpos: “So what, take an umbrella and go!”
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I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.
I guess there is life on Mars after all.
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Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn’y ache.
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My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.
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Why did the registered nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?
Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.
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What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?
Flanagan.
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What do you call Spider-Man joining the Marvel Universe?
A Spin-Off.
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A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.
So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.
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What does a doctor call a colonoscopy?
An ANALysis.
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What do you call a dog with a fever?
Hot dog.
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What is totally untrue about mummies?
That they are all evil. They get a bad wrap.
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I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone’s bathroom.
But after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.
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Which part of a computer is Spider-Man’s favorite?
The web cam.
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What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?
A Ford Siesta.
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I said to my wife, “Did you hear my last pun?”
She replied, “I hope so!”
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I’m on a seafood diet.
I see food and I eat it.
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I saw a blue horse the other day.
I guess you could say it was a rare-colored mare.
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Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake.
After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died.
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