Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
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How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to change it, five to moan about it, and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out.
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What does a polite mushroom say?
“Thank you very mush!”
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Working for a marketing agency is a real ad venture.
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What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?
Space Opera.
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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.
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Why do shoppers feel like cranberry sauce on Black Friday?
They get bruised, battered and squished into pulp trying to get to the bargain bin.
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She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to do it, and four to say “I can do that”.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Boo.”
“Boo, who?”
“Don’t cry, it’s your birthday!”
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What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
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My friend said he was in a blue funk.
But I told him not to worry because I’m an expert at funk-squashing.
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What does Spider-man wear when it gets cold out?
A Peter Parka.
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What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
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My husband started working from home this week and is set up at the kitchen table so he sees me and the cats repeatedly coming in for snacks, and finally says, “So you guys just eat all day, huh?”
He does NOT understand our office culture and I don’t think he’s fitting in at all.
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What do you call alien eggs?
Eggstra-terrestrials!
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Black people are really fast...
It’s a race thing.
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You are so fat when you walk with your friends it looks like they are orbiting you.
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Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables... what do humanitarians eat?
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