Why do people say donuts are made by God?
Because they are hole-y.
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In honor of the eve of April Fools’ Day, just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.
Just treat it like it’s any other day.
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Man tries to open a bank account.
Teller asks him, “Your name?”
“J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.”
“Oh, you stutter?”
“No, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!”
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iPhone users, don’t bother sending the Meteor emoji to your Android friends.
It won’t have the same impact.
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I didn’t wear my glasses to the party because I wanted to make a spectacle of myself.
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My wife complained about my obsession with golf.
I asked her if it was driving a wedge between us.
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Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.
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A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.
He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”
“That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man.
“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”
“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”
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Did you hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
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Did you hear about the guy who checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving?
He couldn’t quit cold turkey.
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What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
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What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?
The wrong firework.
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”
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Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually, his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”
The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”
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A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.
The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock.
About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.
“What?! I dunno buddy, call the damn Coast Guard!” and he slams the phone down.
He goes to the living room and resumes reading the newspaper.
His wife looks over at him nervously and asks what the call was about, and the husband replies “Pfft, some moron calling to ask if the coast is clear.”
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You’re so ugly...
You are the reason Star Wars takes place in a galaxy far far away!
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Yo mama’s so stupid Kylo Ren couldn’t force read her mind!
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What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot dog bun?
Frank.
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Why are two medians in a single data set funny?
Because it’s a co-median.
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“The neighbors hate us.”
“Why?”
“Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?”
“Yeah, that was really fun.”
“And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband’s arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?”
“Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we’d done...”
“We were still holding our marshmallow sticks...”
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