What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?
Turn into bacon.
😄 😄 😄
Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel.
Many years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!
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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
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The center of a donut is 100% fat-free.
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My New Year’s resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!
I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!
😄 😄 😄
Aliens: “We’ve come to destroy the Earth.”
Greta: “It’s a bit late, right?”
😄 😄 😄
A mushroom walks up to a tomato and asks him out on a date.
As the evening wears on, the tomato is just sitting there, not saying much and looking miserable.
“What’s wrong?” the mushroom says. “Aren’t you enjoying yourself?”
“I guess I’m just not a fun-gi,” says the tomato.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard’s neckbeard?
M’stache.
😄 😄 😄
What car does a German vegetarian drive?
A Volks-vegan.
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My crush told me that I’m pretty.
Well, the whole sentence was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I focus only on the positive things.
😄 😄 😄
Can February march?
No, but April may.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a computer covered in fruit chunks?
A pineApple Mac.
😄 😄 😄
Earth is the third planet from the sun.
By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.
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Chuck Norris can make a robot bleed.
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If I ever go missing, I would like my photo, but on wine bottles instead of milk cartons.
This way my friends will know where to look for me.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut break up with her boyfriend?
Because she needed some space.
😄 😄 😄
I asked my boss if things were looking up with our company.
And he said the future was blue-skied and full of possibility.
😄 😄 😄
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs?
He logged in.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Howard.”
“Howard, who?”
“Howard you like to be fooled on April Fools’ Day?”
😄 😄 😄
My interviewer leaned back in his chair and said, “Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
“But I never went to college,” I replied.
“Well then, I’m sorry. You are underqualified to work here,” he said, as he showed me the door.
😄 😄 😄
