Best Jokes (98)

I don’t know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police.

All I asked was β€œHow much for one night stand?”.

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Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor.

The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.

Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor.

This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, β€œThere is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit.”

After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor’s son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.

Perplexed, he asked, β€œJust how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?”

β€œIt’s very simple,” replied the tailor, β€œThe other tailor has two sons.”

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It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed.

She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.

β€œWhat’s the matter, honey?” she asks. β€œWhy the heck are you down here at this hour?”

Her husband looks up at her, β€œDo you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?”

β€œSure,” she answers, puzzled.

Her husband groaned in sadness, β€œAnd do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?”

Wife: β€œYes, of course.”

β€œAnd do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said β€˜You either marry her or I’ll put you in jail for 20 years!’?”

β€œYea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!” she demanded to know.

The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said,β€œIt’s just... I would have been out today.”

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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?


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Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

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Every night, I go to bed determined to be productive the following day.

Here’s to a good morning... tomorrow.

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Chuck Norris’s motorcycle has 4WD.

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Your sister is so ugly when she sits on the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

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There was a bad smell coming from a dumpster.

So, my mother made my sister burn some spices to cover it.

She used pap-reek-her.

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What’s the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

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Why do aliens not eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

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What do you call a lady who enjoys mushrooms?

A fun-gal.

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Yo mama so fat she wears two watches, one for each time zone she’s in.

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Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?

To be fair, it’s really hard for geese to kill sharks.

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Apparently, Jude Law has a vegetarian son.

Coles Law.

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A humpback and a peg leg are having drinks in a bar.

When they are quite drunk and the bar closes, they go their ways home. The humpback decides to take the short route through the graveyard.

Suddenly, a little gnome jumps him and cackling, β€œWhat is that on your back?!”

The man replies, β€œOh, that’s my hump.”

β€œGive it to me!” the gnome snarls, and he magically grabs the man’s hump.

The next day, the man returns to the bar to tell his peg leg friend how he got magically cured of his hump.

β€œNo more pain, I can walk straight! That gnome gave me my life back!” he yelled.

That night, when the bar closes, the peg leg decides to try his luck too, and takes the route through the graveyard.

Suddenly, a little gnome jumps him and cackling, β€œWhat is that on your back?!”

The man blinks and stutters, β€œEh... I have nothing in my back, but...”

And the gnome snarls, β€œHere, I’ve got a spare hump for you!”

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How does the Easter Bunny feel after Easter?


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What do you call it when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week?


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Why are baby flamingos so badly behaved?

Because the parents never put their foot down.

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The worst thing about Friday the 13th is Monday the 16th.

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