What did the comet say when it visited Uranus?
“This place is a gas!”
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My doctor informed me that they’ve found life on other planets.
He says there are worms living in Uranus.
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Looking for a boyfriend in engineering.
The odds are good, but the goods are odd.
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What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lilly.
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What did the sky say to the ocean?
Nothing, they just had a blue period together.
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What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Where’s my watch?”
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You are so dumb you thought a thesaurus was a kind of dinosaur.
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The moon has been talking for a long time now, I think it’s just moon-ologging at this point!
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Three Indian commandos were out in the Iraqi desert.
“I understand that you, Indians, have brought your own indigenous survival equipment,” ventured their captain.
“Sir, I have brought an entire barrel cactus,” said the Pima guy proudly. “When I get too hot, I just cut off the top and take a drink.”
The captain looked impressed.
Not to be outdone, the Pueblo guy said, “Sir, I have brought the sacred corn pollen. When I get too hot, I pray with it, and then it rains.”
The captain looked even more impressed.
Not to be outdone, the Pawnee guy said, “I brought a car door off a 1959 Chevy Impala.”
“Why would you do that?” the captain asked.
“Well,” said the Pawnee guy, “when I get too hot, I just roll down the window.”
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What is a Guitarist’s Favorite Snack?
String cheese.
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What do you call a Polish ape?
Chimpanski.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Frank.”
“Frank, who?”
“Frankenstein!”
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What do you call a parrot when he can’t fly?
A walkie talkie.
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A leprechaun walks into a bar...
I guess it wasn’t set very high.
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Why do blueberries make bad employees?
They always end up getting the blues.
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The child was a typical four-year-old girl—cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
“Now do you understand?” he asked.
“I think so,” she said. “That was when Mommy came to work for us?”
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What do bees use to build roads?
Nec-tar.
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Why didn’t the shark want to fight the octopus?
Because he knew the octopus was well armed.
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A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.
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What’s the stupidest element on the periodic table?
Silicon.
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