How do you make a skeleton laugh?
Tickle their funny bones.
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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Every oven in the greasy hot dog restaurant was broken.
So the diners got a raw deal.
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Did you know bees become indecisive after April?
They become maybees.
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I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day.
We just... I don’t know. We just clicked.
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A brief rise in suicide is related to the Covid pandemic.
Murderers are working from home.
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My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers.
He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
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How many Puerto Ricans does it take to change a lightbulb.
Just Juan.
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What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects?
A con artist.
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A crab walks into a bar.
The barman says, “I can’t serve you mate, you’re already walking sideways.”
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Two otters are going on a journey in a van. Who is driving?
Animal control.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”
Doctor: “Well, stop going to those places then.”
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What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
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My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace.
After a few hours I finally found the exit.
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What did Chuck Norris get when he visited the feminist rally for women’s rights?
He got his shirt ironed.
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While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, “How old are they?”
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s a rather exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
“Well,” answers the guard, “The dinosaur bones were seventy-three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
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Why do doctors hate popular Instagram accounts that only post in the spring?
Because they’re seasonal influencers.
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Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them, “It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four.”
“Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.”
“You cannot pull that one on me,” replies Paddy. “Quattro means four. You have five people in your car, and you are therefore breaking the law.”
The Scotsmen reply angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”
“Sorry,” responds Paddy, “Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”
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What is a sloth’s favorite form of exercise?
Running late.
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A student holds a gun to his English teacher, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
English teacher: “You mean history.”
Student: “Don’t change the subject!”
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