Dispatcher: β911, what is your emergency?β
Caller: βYeah, Iβm having trouble breathing. Iβm all out of breath. Darn... I think Iβm going to pass out.β
Dispatcher: βSir, where are you calling from?β
Caller: βIβm at a pay phone. North and Foster.β
Dispatcher: βSir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?β
Caller: βNo.β
Dispatcher: βWhat were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?β
Caller: βRunning from the police.β
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The doctorβs office blocked my number after I kept calling about PokΓ©mon.
I donβt know what the hell theyβre talking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.
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What do you call a guy whoβs laying down in front of a door?
Matt.
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What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
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Yo mama so fat she uses the highway as a slip and slide.
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I wanted to go bowling, but the pins were on strike.
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It only takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
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How does a physical chemist wash their glassware?
They get an organic chemist to do it.
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Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high... he just couldnβt stop as fast.
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Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
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What does a sick ninja practice?
Kung flu.
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Iβm gonna quit my job on a submarine.
Iβm under a lot of pressure.
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Yo mama so fat NASA thought she was a planet.
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Why did the chef join Pinterest?
Because they wanted to find the perfect recipe for pin-teresting meals!
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βOur face is kinda similar to a planetβ¦β
βOh yeah. Which one?β
βUranus.β
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Your mamaβs so short that she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.
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I love all these new Forsaken quests.
Theyβre really jaw-dropping.
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Why was the pizza ringing?
It had some bell peppers on it.
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Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:
Step 1. Get a pumpkin.
Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.
Step 3. Give it a little push.
Step 4. Enjoy.
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What wouldβve been a better name for the lion instead of King of the Jungle?
Emperoar.
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