Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
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A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk fall out of a plane.
The Buddhist monk says, “It will be okay, for we shall all be reincarnated.”
The priest says, “It will be okay, for we shall all meet in Heaven.”
The rabbi says, “Am I the only one who remembered we were going skydiving today?”
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Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey—he’s always stuffed.
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People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs.
That’s nonsense—what about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?
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What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts.
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Did you hear about the Pinterest user who tried to cook a recipe they found on the site?
Let’s just say they added a new pin to their recipe board “Order Takeout!”.
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If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age.
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I’m all for three things:
Maintaining parallel structure, always using the Oxford comma and hypocrisy.
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What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
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Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn... I think I’m going to pass out.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, where are you calling from?”
Caller: “I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?”
Caller: “No.”
Dispatcher: “What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?”
Caller: “Running from the police.”
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The doctor’s office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokémon.
I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.
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What do you call a guy who’s laying down in front of a door?
Matt.
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What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
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Yo mama so fat she uses the highway as a slip and slide.
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I wanted to go bowling, but the pins were on strike.
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It only takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
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How does a physical chemist wash their glassware?
They get an organic chemist to do it.
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Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high... he just couldn’t stop as fast.
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Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
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What does a sick ninja practice?
Kung flu.
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