What’s the best road sign in Auburn?
Tuscaloosa 120 miles.
😄 😄 😄
What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?
“You are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!”
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
😄 😄 😄
Madonna is 54 and her boyfriend’s 25.
Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend’s 26.
So if you’re single it’s ok, maybe he’s just not born yet.
😄 😄 😄
Do you want to get a sundae?
No, thanks, it’s only Thursday.
😄 😄 😄
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
😄 😄 😄
How come “you’re a peach” is a compliment, but “you’re bananas” is an insult?
Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
😄 😄 😄
My two pets fell into my swimming pool.
One of them couldn’t swim at all, but the otter could.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris got into a staring contest with the sun today.
The sun blinked.
😄 😄 😄
If Spider-Man suddenly runs out of web when he’s chasing bad guys, what is he called?
Peter Parkour.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a grizzly with no shoes?
Bear foot.
😄 😄 😄
Mothers of teens understand why some animals eat their young.
😄 😄 😄
I tried to post a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys.
But it was removed because of fowl language.
😄 😄 😄
Why do computer scientists get confused between Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
😄 😄 😄
When my ex-wife and I divorced, I handed her a letter saying, “Good job. Well done.”
I wanted things to end on a positive note.
😄 😄 😄
What is a boxer’s favorite drink?
Punch.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad”
😄 😄 😄
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
😄 😄 😄
Yo sister so fat she’s the reason London Bridge is falling down.
😄 😄 😄
A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.
Confused, the marriage counselor says, “This is quite odd, as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session, I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. I’ll be your wife.”
The man instantly stiffens up and looks very nervous.
Counselor: “Honey, are you not happy in our marriage?”
Man: “I can’t complain about that.”
Counselor: “Is it the relations?”
Man: “I can’t complain about that either.”
Counselor: “Well, is it the way I treat you?”
Man: “Nope. Definitely can’t complain about that.”
Getting frustrated about the lack of any insight, the counselor breaks character and says, “I don’t think this is really going anywhere without your wife present. Why don’t you bring her with you?”
Man: “No, that won’t work at all. It has to be just you and me. No role playing, either.”
Counselor: “Well, why is that?”
Man: “To you, I can complain!”
😄 😄 😄
