Your mama so hot when Electra and Haspiel saw her, they burned to death.
π π π
I went to a church menβs campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.
Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.
A few minutes go by, then someone asks, βHey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good.β
βTo which Joe replies, βChocolate sausage.β
This gets everyoneβs attention.
When the sausage finished cooking, Joe offers a piece to anyone who wanted to try it.
A few of the guys take a cut and eat it, then get confused looks on their faces.
The same guy asks Joe again, βThis doesnβt taste any different than normal sausage. Chocolate?..β
Still waking up, Joe clears his throat and says, βThe horse was named Chocolate.β
π π π
What do marathoners and computer scientists have in common?
They want the fastest running time.
π π π
Itβs so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
π π π
One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single-engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base.
The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards.
The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly ran out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw.
After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isnβt a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.
Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the βYou didnβt see anythingβ talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw.
The Air Force fuels up the manβs plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.
The next day, the manβs plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people on the plane.
When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again.
As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells, βDo whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night!β
π π π
If youβre looking for Spider-Man, you can always find him on the web.
π π π
How much room does a fungi need to grow?
As mush-room as possible.
π π π
What do Vikings call English villages?
Chopping centers.
π π π
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
π π π
A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.
When they ran into a family of skunks.
They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.
They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.
The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.
They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, βThereβs no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?β
The husband thinks for a second and says, βHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.β
The wife replies, βWell what about the smell?β
The husband says, βItβll be alright, just hold its nose.β
π π π
Why do the Avengers keep calling Spider-Man over to fix their computer?
Because they heard heβs a web developer.
π π π
Once there was a bartender who claimed he was the strongest man on earth, he could squeeze every drop of juice out of a lemon and he bet $10,000 that no one could squeeze anymore out of a lemon he has squeezed.
People came in from all over the country: bodybuilders, weightlifters, wrestlers, or anyone who wanted to try. But no one could squeeze anymore juice out of the lemons.
Then one day a little nerdy looking guy walks in and everyone laughs at him when they hear he is there to try to squeeze a lemon.
So the bartender squeezes a lemon into a cup and hands him what is left over.
Then the guy squeezes out 6 more drops of juice, and everyone is amazed!
βWhat do you do for a living?β they would ask, βAre you a weight lifter, a bodybuilder?β
βNo,β he replied, βI work for the IRS.β
π π π
Yo mama so fat that the Sarlaac Pit couldnβt eat her!
π π π
Brought nachos to salsa class.
Huge misunderstanding.
π π π
Yo mamaβs so dumb she wasnβt looking for the droids in the first place!
π π π
Whatβs the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?
It is possible that UFOs exist.
π π π
A mother sends her son to the well to fetch water.
When the boy comes back without water, he explains that there was an alligator in the well.
βDonβt worry,β says the mother. βThe alligator is just as scared of you as you are of him!β
βMom,β says the boy, βif the alligator is as scared of me as I am of him, we shouldnβt be drinking that water.β
π π π
Youβre so old your first car was a covered wagon.
π π π
Man tries to open a bank account.
Teller asks him, βYour name?β
βJ-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.β
βOh, you stutter?β
βNo, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!β
π π π
Look up βribβ in the dictionary and it says βTo vex, irritate or annoyβ.
Look up βribβ in the Bible and it says βWomanβ.
Coincidence?
π π π