How many registered nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they’ll delegate it to the nursing assistants, but they’ll check the vital signs just in case.
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Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
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If you ever feel lonely, just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies.
After a while, you won’t feel like you are alone anymore.
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What do you call someone who doesn’t believe it is June yet?
A May-sayer.
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Why are all mini golf players depressed?
They have no drive.
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Yo mama so stupid when she saw the McDonald’s drive-through sign she drove through the building.
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What do you call a leprechaun drinking a Guinness?
Short and Stout.
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A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.
“What are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!” The policeman says.
The next week he stops the same car to see that the man still has the lynx, “I thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.” He says.
“I did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”
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Why did the moon get a parking ticket?
They forgot to pay the parking meteor!
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Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
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I hate it when someone tries to butter me up.
I like jam more.
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Things I learned in organic chemistry:
How to draw hexagons.
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My boss said to me, “You must be crazy! How can you issue a life insurance policy to a 108-year-old man?”
I said, “As you told me, I applied all the proper, stringent statistical tests. Not a single 108-year-old man has died in the last five years.”
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What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?
“I’m sorry, I’m too mature for you.”
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Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon.
But they wouldn’t let us land because the moon was full.
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What can you expect on September 15th which is National Camouflage Day?
Hope to not see anyone celebrating.
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A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
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I guess your parents are bakers.
Because they made such a cutie pie!
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Dad: “My first son has a PhD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and journalism and my youngest son is a burglar.”
Friend: “Wow, a burglar? You should kick him out!”
Dad: “Nah… he is the only one who makes money.”
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What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
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