What do you call alien eggs?
Eggstra-terrestrials!
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Black people are really fast...
It’s a race thing.
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You are so fat when you walk with your friends it looks like they are orbiting you.
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Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables... what do humanitarians eat?
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If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
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Boy: “I’m a superhero. Guess my name?”
Girl: “Iron Man? Spider-Man?”
Boy: “Yourman!”
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My kid has a stuffed alpaca toy.
I call it her Dolly Llama.
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What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
Toot-and-come-in.
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Why didn’t the man want a spring mattress?
Because it was still winter.
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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
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What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
“April Fool! I’m not really dead!”
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My barber wanted me to sign a long-term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused.
I couldn’t accept all those perms and conditions.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owls.”
“Owls, who?”
“You’re right; tawny owls do hoot.”
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When you work from home, a Tuesday looks pretty much like a Saturday.
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What day do eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
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Why did the apple stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.
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A guy is sitting outside on a bench eating a burger when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.
She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him, “You know, a cow died somewhere, so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?”
As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies, “It’s a shame for sure, but maybe if you weren’t eating its food, that cow might have lived.”
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Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
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What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
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