I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
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Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.
I like to play Muffin Roulette.
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What did the chef say to his staff on Labor Day?
“Let’s take a break and cook up some fun!”
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When it gets to January, I’m going to overthrow the Government!
It’ll be my New Year’s Revolution.
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Why did the circus lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
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What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?
“You are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!”
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I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.
I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.
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What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
“Wing, wing.”
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Is it proper to eat donuts with your fingers?
No, fingers should be eaten separately!
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Why did the bodybuilder read the dictionary?
He was trying to learn how to define muscle.
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After a month of dieting, I lost 30 days.
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“Hey, are you familiar with Landon?”
“Landon who?”
“Slip, fall then landon DEEZ NUTS!”
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In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
When it graduates from medical school.
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Your momma’s so short she can bungee-jump off a curb!
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A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”
The barman looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the brain.
“You’re already out of your head.”
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Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Tank.”
“Tank, who?”
“Tank you for inviting me to your birthday party!”
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I didn’t know that Covid-19 was a thing until I saw your eyebrows and your hairline social distancing.
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How do you call a suicide bomber with Tourette’s?
A ticking time bomb.
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Did you know, you can make any dish an autumn dish by adding one simple step?
Try dropping it on the floor.
It really gives it that fall flavor.
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