Can you guess what the calendar worker got fired for?
He took a day off without telling anyone!
π π π
The tree hated losing its foliage in September.
When it grew back in March, he was so re-lieved.
π π π
What are the official sea creatures of National Pi Day?
Octopi.
π π π
When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.
Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.
π π π
Losing a wife can be very tough.
Some may even say impossible.
π π π
Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βAnita.β
βAnita, who?β
βAnita piece of that birthday cake!β
π π π
I went to watch Spider-Man playing baseball.
He was great at catching flies.
π π π
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I donβt know, lettuce sea.
π π π
What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Plenty of room.
π π π
A boxer was throwing nothing but right hooks at a punching bag.
His trainer walked up and asked, βWhat gives?β
The boxer replied, βIβm exercising my rights.β
π π π
My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek.
It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.
π π π
A senator is visiting a primary school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers, βIf my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.β
βNo,β the senator says, βthat would be an ACCIDENT.β
A girl raises her hand, βIf a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone insideβ¦ that would be a tragedy.β
βIβm afraid not,β explains the senator. βThat is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.β
The room is silentβnone of the other children dare volunteer.
βWhat?β asks the Senator, βIsnβt there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?β
Finally, Little Johnny in the back raises his hand.
In a timid voice, he says, βIf an airplane carrying a senator was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy.β
βMarvelous!β the senator beams. βAnd can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?β
βWell,β says Johnny, βbecause it wouldnβt be an accident, and it certainly wouldnβt be any great loss.β
π π π
People treat me like a god.
They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.
π π π
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First heβll bellowulf at you, then heβll shakespeare.
π π π
Why do we call the aliens creating the pyramids a conspiracy theory?
Itβs obviously a pyramid scheme.
π π π
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take away its chair.
π π π
Iβm proud to announce I have stuck to my New Yearβs resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.
My feet have never looked better.
π π π
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
π π π
An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
π π π
What did the taco say to the depressed donut?
Taco: βWant to taco bout it?β
Donut: βI donut know what to say.β
π π π