Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress.
So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, “May I try on that dress in the window, please?”
“Certainly not, madam”, responded the salesgirl, “You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.”
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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.
One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.
Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.
“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”
The manager looks sheepish, “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”
The priest looks ashamed of himself, “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”
The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”
The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
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What did the first person to get April fooled say?
“Jesus! I thought you were dead!”
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Thought I would be fine having another drink. Woke up later in an alley.
Then, the bowling ball hit me.
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A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman.
“What’s the secret to your longevity?”, he asked.
Old woman: “Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone.”
The reporter laughed, “That’s ridiculous. That can’t be the real reason.”
The old lady smiled and nodded, “You’re probably right.”
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Whoever said laughter is the best medicine.
Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
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What’s brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
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What did the guy with big ears say when his boss asked if he could have a word with him?
“I’m all ears.”
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What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?
U.V. Ray.
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Do or donut, there is no try.
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Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”
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Good morning!
May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.
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Yo mom’s so fat Luke couldn’t believe she wasn’t a moon!
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What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?
Why so Sirius?
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You know you’re 40 when you have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize.
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A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,” and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.
She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, “Look, lady, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already.”
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Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor?
Everybody.
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What did you tell the shopkeeper at the grocery store?
Donut mind me, I am here for the hole food.
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What did the alien think of the anti-gravity book?
He couldn’t put it down!
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What do you call a 60-year-old who hasn’t reached puberty?
A late boomer.
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