What’s Uranus’ favorite type of humor?
Dark matter jokes.
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What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you will rise and shine!
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A Redskins fan, an Eagles fan, a Cowboys fan, and a Giants fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.
The Redskins fan insists he is the most loyal.
“This is for the Redskins!” he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.
Not to be outdone, the Eagles fan shouts, “This is for the Eagles!” and throws himself off the mountain.
The Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team.
He yells, “This is for everyone!” and pushes the Cowboys fan off the mountain.
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Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?
His father was hard-boiled.
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I’ve just seen a dentist having a big row with a manicurist.
They fought tooth and nail.
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I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
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What’s a vegetable’s favorite martial art?
Carrotee!
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Why did the peanut butter and jelly break up?
Because they were always spread too thin.
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Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking.
One blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde turns and says, “Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?”
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Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.
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Why is the sun not very heavy to carry?
Because it is really very light.
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My libertarian neighbor posted a newspaper ad selling his collection of Star Trek ships.
And here I thought he believed in free Enterprise.
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What’s the difference between popcorn and pea soup?
Anyone can pop corn, but you can’t pee soup.
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Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset.
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An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy.
The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following, “Mr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of £1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to £1,100.”
The student said, “I see. The ethics question is ‘Do I tell the client?’”
“Wrong answer! The question is ‘Do I tell my partner?’”
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.
A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.
“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”
“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.
“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.
“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own damn business!”
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Guy 1: “Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.”
Guy 2: “And since when is Mike your best friend?”
Guy 1: “Yesterday.”
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Why do blue whales need computers?
To go on their whale-net.
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My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party.
I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.
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Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
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