What do you say to a stressed snowman?
Chill out!
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Your sister is so ugly when she was born your mom said, “What a treasure!”
And your dad said, “Yes, let’s bury it.”
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Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
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A wife sends her husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread.
On his way out she says, “And if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread...
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The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
“Excuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,” he said politely, “but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.”
“That’s right.”
“Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.”
“Well, today is his birthday.”
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My mind is like an internet browser:
19 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen, ads popping up everywhere, I have no idea where the music is coming from.
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What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?
Jail-y Donuts.
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Why did the polar bears on Noah’s Ark hang out near the insects?
They were looking for the ark tick.
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What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you will rise and shine!
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Yo momma so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
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What did one German man say to the other German man?
I have no idea, I can’t speak German.
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WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT!
IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER.
THE POLICE
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa, who?”
“Santa Christmas card to you. Did you get it?”
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Guess what’s ‘tiiiimmeeeee ABDE’?
...yes, it is long time no see.
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A mummy calls a restaurant.
“Hello, I’d like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.”
“Could you spell it out, please?” said the voice from the restaurant.
“Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”
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Adam meets a witch.
The witch tells him: “Tell me I am pretty, or you will be cursed!”
Adam: “Sorry, but I don’t find you attractive.”
Witch: “Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed!
Adam: “Nope. You’re hideous.”
The witch then transformed him into an ant.
Witch: “Look where your rudeness brought you!”
Adam: “Yeah, this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato.”
Witch: “Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!”
He is still adamant.
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I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I don’t think she likes them.
She said that’s gross.
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Sorry, I would’ve texted sooner but my phone just overheated.
I guess you’re just too hot for Tinder.
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What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
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Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?
Inflation.
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