Warning!
Birthday donuts will make your clothes shrink!
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Why did the feminist fail algebra?
She couldn’t solve inequalities.
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A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That’s a lot of heritage to inherit.
They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.
A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish.
After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi O’Lee.
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I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take.
Don’t get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I known it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.
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What did the lettuce say to the ship?
ICEBERG!
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Yo mama is so dumb and hungry the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.
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Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.
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Father’s Day was near when I brought my son to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.
When I looked back, my son was picking up one card after another, opening them up, and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way.
“Son, what are you doing?” I asked. “Haven’t you found a nice card for daddy yet?”
“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”
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Sure, working from home can have its disadvantages.
I miss the office politics, the lack of freedom and having to wear shoes.
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Did you hear about the bird flu?
I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.
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Boomers: When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.
Generation X: When life hands you lemons, create a business to market lemon juice as a healthy, low carb, low sugar variation to lemonade. Make millions.
Millennials: Lol, as if anyone would just “hand me” some lemons.
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It’s ironic how my aunt died given that her zodiac sign is cancer.
She was killed by a giant crab.
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A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.
“Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,” the pharmacist says. “Don’t worry,” replies the patient. “It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.”
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What did the barbecue say on Labor Day weekend?
Time to get fired up!
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What do you call a bad electrician?
A shock absorber.
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People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theaters.
Let’s just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...
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Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning when they came across a mosque.
They hadn’t had food or water for days and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.
“Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You’ll be Hassan, and I’ll be Muhammed,” said Roger.
“No way, man. I’m not going to say that, even if they won’t give us anything to drink,” replied Joe.
They go up and knock on the door.
A Muslim man with a smile on his face answers the door, “Yes, how may I help you?”
“Hello, I’m Muhammed and this is Joe. We were wondering if we could have something to eat and drink,” asked Roger.
“Why, of course! Joe, we will bring you some food, and for you, Muhammed, it is Ramadan and we won’t be breaking our fast until sundown.”
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Why was everyone keeping their food on my friend’s head?
He had got a bowl cut!
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What’s a dragon’s favorite snack?
Fire-crackers.
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Yo mama’s so stupid she combs the hair in her nose and not on her head.
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