The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
😄 😄 😄
New Year’s Eve forecast:
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
😄 😄 😄
What makes nuts healthy?
They have many nut-rients.
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I banged my bike against the wall today.
It was wheelie unfortunate.
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I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
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The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.
The good news: For the next 3 months I’m protected against heartworms and fleas.
😄 😄 😄
Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
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Yo sister so ugly her pillow cries at night.
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What did the Java code say to the C code?
You’ve got no class.
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A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.
Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife’s back and says:
“Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You’re frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they’re sticking to the pan! Careful!
Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, don’t forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!”
The wife stares at her husband:
“What’s wrong with you?! You think I can’t fry a few eggs?!”
The husband answers calmly:
“I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
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Boebert asked her coworker, “Do you have any kids?”
“Yes,” she replied, “I have one child that’s just under two.”
Then Boebert said, “I might be stupid, but I know how many one is.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat when she jumped people got an earthquake alert on their phones.
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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driver—a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tie—poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, “Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, “Sure.”
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“Impressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, “You’re on.”
“You are an auditor,” said the shepherd without hesitation.
“That’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. “However did you guess?”
“It wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. “You show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!”
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When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!
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I’ve given up cycling at the local velodrome.
It’s getting me nowhere.
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I do have to say though, groom, just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a wife who is warm, loving and caring.
And, bride, how lucky you are as well. You leave here today having gained a lovely dress and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Liverpool fan always help his wife with Chinese cooking?
So she’d never wok alone.
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I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
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Which day is the worst to propose on?
April Fools’ Day.
😄 😄 😄
Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
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