Did you hear that I won the Thanksgiving turkey cookoff?
You butterball-ieve it.
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Why is it that people who use the metric system of measurement are experts in computers and computer science?
Because they are all very good pro-gram-mers!
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Boyfriend: “I love you.”
Girlfriend: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Boyfriend: “It’s me talking to the wine.”
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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, “The curlers are on me.”
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It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa.
The university responsed, “Why do we need another phone company?”
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Why did America fail to save the world from coronavirus?
Thor is in Asgard.
Iron Man died.
Captain is now old.
Hulk doesn’t have much power.
The rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona.
And China ate Spider-Man and Batman.
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Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
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A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes, “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice, he answered, “A lawyer!”
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How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
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My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
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Why do British ice cream cones carry an umbrella?
There’s always a chance of sprinkles.
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9 a.m.
Time to change my night pajamas into day pajamas.
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A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.
I took in a breath and asked aloud, “What’s that smell?”
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, “Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.
She turns to me and asks, “What’s that smell?”
I say, “Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.”
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Chuck Norris counted every irrational number. Once!
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A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist take a vacation to the ocean.
The physicist was fascinated by the waves, so he walked into the ocean to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves. Obviously, he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist wanted to research the amazing flora and fauna of the ocean, so he walked into the water as well. He, too, never returned.
The chemist thought for a while, then noted in his lab notebook:
The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.
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Why are orange jokes so dumb?
Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
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What’s a cow’s favorite TV drama?
Graze Anatomy.
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What do you call a Puerto Rican dish that’s not spicy?
A mistake.
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Why couldn’t the moon eat anymore?
It was a full moon.
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Chuck Norris does not have near-death experiences.
Death has near Chuck Norris experiences.
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