What do you call a boring person from Finland?
A dolphin.
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When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.
So I rang her and said, “Guess what, I won the jackpot.”
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Yo mama’s so fat that even the Death Star couldn’t blow her up!
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My pet bird was frantically tweeting, so I gave him some food.
How he signed up for that Twitter account I’ll never know.
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I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.
Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
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The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk.”
The wasted wino asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Obviously relieved, the wino said, “That’s a relief—I thought I was a cripple.”
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Why couldn’t the joker enter the shop?
Because there was a board outside stating “No funny business”.
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Didn’t Snoop Dogg change his name?
Or was Snoop Lyin’?!
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Did you know the seagull was gods third attempt at creating the bird.
The A-gull and B-gull weren’t quite right.
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Yo mama’s so weak-minded that I got her to lead me to Jabba without using a Jedi mind trick!
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Your hairline so far back, I learned about it in history class.
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How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code.
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What do you call a fisherman who owns a slave?
A Master Baiter.
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Why does the fungus always win the argument?
Because they don’t leave mush-rooms for debate.
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Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion.
Yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel.
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A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he needs a haircut and doesn’t have much extra time.
He remembers there’s a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he’s back on his way.
A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.
“Hello again, Sir,” the barber says. “What can I do for you?”
“Oh, I’d like another haircut, but I’m awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?”
“Of course,” says the barber. “Anything you want. Take a seat.”
The businessman sits down.
“So what would you like?” asks the barber.
“Well, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.
For my mustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitler’s.
Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.
I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.
Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.
When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.
Blend the sides in, but don’t blend in the back.
And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.”
The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.
“I can’t do all that!” he says.
“Why not?” the businessman asks. “That’s what you did last time.”
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I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms.
But it was a shii-take!
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Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?
He kept listing the cause of death as birth.
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What do you call a crab that throws things?
A lobster.
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A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.
“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”
“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.
“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”
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