Boebert asked her coworker, “Do you have any kids?”
“Yes,” she replied, “I have one child that’s just under two.”
Then Boebert said, “I might be stupid, but I know how many one is.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat when she jumped people got an earthquake alert on their phones.
😄 😄 😄
A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driver—a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tie—poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, “Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, “Sure.”
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“Impressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, “You’re on.”
“You are an auditor,” said the shepherd without hesitation.
“That’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. “However did you guess?”
“It wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. “You show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!”
😄 😄 😄
When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!
😄 😄 😄
I’ve given up cycling at the local velodrome.
It’s getting me nowhere.
😄 😄 😄
I do have to say though, groom, just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a wife who is warm, loving and caring.
And, bride, how lucky you are as well. You leave here today having gained a lovely dress and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Liverpool fan always help his wife with Chinese cooking?
So she’d never wok alone.
😄 😄 😄
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
😄 😄 😄
Which day is the worst to propose on?
April Fools’ Day.
😄 😄 😄
Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
😄 😄 😄
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk fall out of a plane.
The Buddhist monk says, “It will be okay, for we shall all be reincarnated.”
The priest says, “It will be okay, for we shall all meet in Heaven.”
The rabbi says, “Am I the only one who remembered we were going skydiving today?”
😄 😄 😄
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey—he’s always stuffed.
😄 😄 😄
People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs.
That’s nonsense—what about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?
😄 😄 😄
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the Pinterest user who tried to cook a recipe they found on the site?
Let’s just say they added a new pin to their recipe board “Order Takeout!”.
😄 😄 😄
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age.
😄 😄 😄
I’m all for three things:
Maintaining parallel structure, always using the Oxford comma and hypocrisy.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
😄 😄 😄
Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn... I think I’m going to pass out.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, where are you calling from?”
Caller: “I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?”
Caller: “No.”
Dispatcher: “What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?”
Caller: “Running from the police.”
😄 😄 😄
The doctor’s office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokémon.
I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.
😄 😄 😄
