The pope dies and arrives in Heaven. St. Peter awaits him and asks who he is.
The pope: “I am the pope.”
St. Peter: “Who? There’s no such name in my book.”
The pope: “I’m the representative of God on Earth.”
St. Peter: “Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me.”
The pope: “But I am the leader of the Catholic church.”
St. Peter: “The Catholic church... Never heard of it. Wait, I’ll check with the boss.”
St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: “There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.”
God: “I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of. Wait, I’ll ask Jesus.”
God yells for Jesus.
Jesus: “Yes father, what’s up?”
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: “Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.”
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.
Jesus: “Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a 60-year-old who hasn’t reached puberty?
A late boomer.
😄 😄 😄
So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.
He’s laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.
Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.
“Who are you?” the guy asks.
“I’m your hip replacement.”
😄 😄 😄
Six years ago, I DMed my facebook crush, telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times and blocked me.
😄 😄 😄
Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
😄 😄 😄
Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.
As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.
He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.
Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, “I’m God, looks like you were wrong about me.”
Nietzsche replies, “Not at all. If you’re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!”
😄 😄 😄
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of feminine product, and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”
😄 😄 😄
How do alcoholics spend their long weekend off work?
By giving their liver a workout.
😄 😄 😄
What happened when the red boat crashed into the blue boat?
The crews were marooned.
😄 😄 😄
My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away.
He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.
😄 😄 😄
Yo moma so lazy she sticks her nose out the door and let the air blow it.
😄 😄 😄
Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.
The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.
The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.
“Is this horse unsound?” they asked.
“Not a bit,” said the owner.
“In that case,” asked the stewards, “why have you never raced him before?” “Mister,” said the man from Idaho, “we couldn’t even catch the critter until he was five years old.”
😄 😄 😄
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
😄 😄 😄
What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?
Bond. Gold Bond.
😄 😄 😄
Two corns in a field were telling each other corny jokes.
They were the laughing stalk of the field.
😄 😄 😄
I used to own a raven. It could speak English.
But the only word it could speak was “car”.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, “Why have you got a fried egg on your head?”
The man replies, “Because boiled eggs fall off.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a fat pineapple?
A pineapple chunk.
😄 😄 😄
I played an April Fools’ joke on my parkour team this morning.
They all fell for it.
😄 😄 😄
