What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Leia.”
“Leia, who?”
“Lei-a hand on me and you’re toast!”
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Why did the meteor break up with Uranus?
It felt like it was crashing and burning.
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Judge: “On what grounds do you want a divorce?”
Husband: “My wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every day!”
Judge: “You mean to say she’s severely alcoholic and cheats on you every day?”
Husband: “No, she’s out looking for me!”
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What’s black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A guitarist who’s told too many drummer jokes.
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Guess what my doctor told me?
Laughter is the best medicine. I guess you bring the smile to my face.
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An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her Dad on a “Take Your Kid to Workday”.
As they were walking around the office, the young girl was getting crankier and crankier, crying and sobbing.
Her father asked what was wrong with her.
As the concerned office staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!”
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As your torturer, I’m making it my mission to wake you up really early every day.
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What’s suicide bombers’ biggest fear?
Dying alone.
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What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow?
Reality.
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What did the first person to get April fooled say?
“Jesus! I thought you were dead!”
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Why did the jelly go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling jammed up.
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What did the blue crayon say to the yellow crayon?
“This isn’t cray-on you.”
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Stephen Hawking’s death was purely accidental.
He clicked “shut down” instead of “sleep.”
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! You told me to drink my medicine after my bath but I couldn’t manage it.”
Doctor: “Why not?”
Patient: “Well after I drank my bath I didn’t have room for the medicine!”
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My mom said if I was awake playing Roblox, still she said she was going to bang my head against the keyboardhxhdhduhxbsfj...
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What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
“You are to little to smoke!”
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Why do computer scientists make bad arborists?
Because they always plant their trees upside down.
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Yo mama is so short when she plays Fortnite she can hide under the freaking store.
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I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla.
Ice creamed!
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