The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
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New Yearβs Eve forecast:
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
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What makes nuts healthy?
They have many nut-rients.
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I banged my bike against the wall today.
It was wheelie unfortunate.
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I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
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The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.
The good news: For the next 3 months Iβm protected against heartworms and fleas.
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Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
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Yo sister so ugly her pillow cries at night.
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What did the Java code say to the C code?
Youβve got no class.
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A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning.
Suddenly the husband appears behind the wifeβs back and says:
βCareful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! Youβre frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, theyβre sticking to the pan! Careful!
Careful now! You never listen to me when I cook! NEVER! Flip them over already. HURRY! ARE YOU CRAZY? Take it easy! EASY! Nooo, donβt forget the salt. Put salt on them, SALT!β
The wife stares at her husband:
βWhatβs wrong with you?! You think I canβt fry a few eggs?!β
The husband answers calmly:
βI just wanted to show you what it feels like when Iβm driving.β
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Boebert asked her coworker, βDo you have any kids?β
βYes,β she replied, βI have one child thatβs just under two.β
Then Boebert said, βI might be stupid, but I know how many one is.β
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Yo mama so fat when she jumped people got an earthquake alert on their phones.
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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driverβa young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieβpoked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, βHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?β
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, βSure.β
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, βYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.β
βImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,β said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, βIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?β
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, βYouβre on.β
βYou are an auditor,β said the shepherd without hesitation.
βThatβs correct,β said the young man, impressed. βHowever did you guess?β
βIt wasnβt a guess,β replied the shepherd. βYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenβt asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!β
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When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!
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Iβve given up cycling at the local velodrome.
Itβs getting me nowhere.
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I do have to say though, groom, just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a wife who is warm, loving and caring.
And, bride, how lucky you are as well. You leave here today having gained a lovely dress and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.
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Why did the Liverpool fan always help his wife with Chinese cooking?
So sheβd never wok alone.
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Iβm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
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Which day is the worst to propose on?
April Foolsβ Day.
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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
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