No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce.
They keep telling me it’s a lost cos.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid the zombies walked past her because they didn’t smell any brains.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Shrek fan girl?
An O-girl!
😄 😄 😄
Husband to friend: “The physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.”
Friend: “And is she doing this?”
Husband: “Well, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.”
😄 😄 😄
Boy: “Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend.”
Girl: “I have a boyfriend.”
Boy: “I have a math test tomorrow.”
Girl: “What does that have to do with anything?”
Boy: “I thought we were listing things we could cheat on.”
😄 😄 😄
A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree.
He is watched by a sparrow who can’t help laughing and eventually says, “Don’t you know there aren’t any apples on the tree yet?”
“Yes,” said the snail, “but there will be by the time I get up there.”
😄 😄 😄
I saw a falcon eating avocado toast.
Guess it’s a millennial falcon.
😄 😄 😄
Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two hunters objected strongly, stating, “Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.
Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, “Any idea where we are?”
He replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday?
One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.
😄 😄 😄
Even though SpongeBob is the main character...
Patrick is the star.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Bean.”
“Bean, who?”
“Bean awhile since I’ve seen you!”
😄 😄 😄
A new study shows that dolphins are second in intelligence to man.
I guess that puts women in third.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an alien that lives in a bog?
A marsh-in!
😄 😄 😄
I found a pebble that looked like a guitar pick.
Must be for rock music.
😄 😄 😄
I asked a window cleaner if he liked his job.
He said he could see himself doing windows every day.
😄 😄 😄
My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.
“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”
😄 😄 😄
I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her.
She replied, “This jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.”
I said, “Okay, how about in the fridge?”
She said, “No, silly, there’s a little light inside.”
😄 😄 😄
I made a mistake at a philosophy conference.
They asked me for a lecture on Daoism, but I misunderstood. I talked about filial piety and deference to superiors instead.
I apologized for the Confucian.
😄 😄 😄
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers.
I thought to myself, “Such a lovely day to have a barber queue.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Irish.”
“Irish, who?”
“Irish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner!”
😄 😄 😄
