Best Jokes (98)



How do you make a skeleton laugh?

Tickle their funny bones.

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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Every oven in the greasy hot dog restaurant was broken.

So the diners got a raw deal.

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Did you know bees become indecisive after April?

They become maybees.

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I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day.

We just... I don’t know. We just clicked.

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A brief rise in suicide is related to the Covid pandemic.

Murderers are working from home.

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My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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How many Puerto Ricans does it take to change a lightbulb.

Just Juan.

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What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects?

A con artist.

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A crab walks into a bar.

The barman says, β€œI can’t serve you mate, you’re already walking sideways.”

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Two otters are going on a journey in a van. Who is driving?

Animal control.

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Patient: β€œDoctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”

Doctor: β€œWell, stop going to those places then.”

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What does a grape do with his grandchildren?

He is raisin them.

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My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace.

After a few hours I finally found the exit.

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What did Chuck Norris get when he visited the feminist rally for women’s rights?

He got his shirt ironed.

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While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, β€œHow old are they?”

The guard replies, β€œThey are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”

β€œThat’s a rather exact number,” says the tourist. β€œHow do you know their age so precisely?”

β€œWell,” answers the guard, β€œThe dinosaur bones were seventy-three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

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Why do doctors hate popular Instagram accounts that only post in the spring?

Because they’re seasonal influencers.

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Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them, β€œIt is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four.”

β€œQuattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. β€œLook at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.”

β€œYou cannot pull that one on me,” replies Paddy. β€œQuattro means four. You have five people in your car, and you are therefore breaking the law.”

The Scotsmen reply angrily, β€œYou idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”

β€œSorry,” responds Paddy, β€œMurphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”

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What is a sloth’s favorite form of exercise?

Running late.

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A student holds a gun to his English teacher, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!”

English teacher: β€œYou mean history.”

Student: β€œDon’t change the subject!”

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