The party was a blue-ribbon event.
😄 😄 😄
My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
I said, “Please don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.”
😄 😄 😄
Traffic policeman: “Didn’t you hear my whistle, madam?”
Woman driver: “Yes, but I don’t like flirting while I’m driving.”
😄 😄 😄
Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy, I break out in hives.
I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.
😄 😄 😄
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what the ship had to go to therapy for?
He was a nervous wreck!
😄 😄 😄
What was the almond tree up to all summer?
Nuttin’.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
😄 😄 😄
Pros of working from home:
· No pants
· Loud music.
Cons of working from home:
· You have to make your own coffee
· You talk to yourself too much.
😄 😄 😄
What prize do you get for putting your phone on vibrate?
The no bell prize.
😄 😄 😄
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning.
She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”
😄 😄 😄
Public Service Announcement:
“If you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs”
😄 😄 😄
What room has no doors, walls, or floor?
A mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
😄 😄 😄
“Why are you using our daughter as a guitar?” my wife asked.
“You told me to rock her to sleep,” I replied.
😄 😄 😄
Dating me is like dating your therapist who is also your mom and is also very disappointed in you.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat, she sweats butter and syrup, and has a full time job at Denny’s wiping pancakes across her forehead.
😄 😄 😄
I just couldn’t decide which Asian takeout food I like the best, Japanese or Chinese.
I ended up calling it a Thai.
😄 😄 😄
Facebook is like a fridge.
Even when you know there’s nothing new going on, you still go on and check it every 10 minutes.
😄 😄 😄
