Best Jokes (98)



Boebert asked her coworker, โ€œDo you have any kids?โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ she replied, โ€œI have one child thatโ€™s just under two.โ€

Then Boebert said, โ€œI might be stupid, but I know how many one is.โ€

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Yo mama so fat when she jumped people got an earthquake alert on their phones.

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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driverโ€”a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieโ€”poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, โ€œHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?โ€

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, โ€œSure.โ€

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, โ€œYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.โ€

โ€œImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,โ€ said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, โ€œIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?โ€

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, โ€œYouโ€™re on.โ€

โ€œYou are an auditor,โ€ said the shepherd without hesitation.

โ€œThatโ€™s correct,โ€ said the young man, impressed. โ€œHowever did you guess?โ€

โ€œIt wasnโ€™t a guess,โ€ replied the shepherd. โ€œYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenโ€™t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!โ€

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When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?

Because there are no pupils to see!

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Iโ€™ve given up cycling at the local velodrome.

Itโ€™s getting me nowhere.

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I do have to say though, groom, just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a wife who is warm, loving and caring.

And, bride, how lucky you are as well. You leave here today having gained a lovely dress and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.

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Why did the Liverpool fan always help his wife with Chinese cooking?

So sheโ€™d never wok alone.

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Iโ€™m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

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Which day is the worst to propose on?

April Foolsโ€™ Day.

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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?

Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.

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A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk fall out of a plane.

The Buddhist monk says, โ€œIt will be okay, for we shall all be reincarnated.โ€

The priest says, โ€œIt will be okay, for we shall all meet in Heaven.โ€

The rabbi says, โ€œAm I the only one who remembered we were going skydiving today?โ€

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Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkeyโ€”heโ€™s always stuffed.

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People complain about a lack of women in tech jobs.

Thatโ€™s nonsenseโ€”what about Siri, Alexa and Cortana?

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What do we call two birds that are in love?

Tweet-hearts.

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Did you hear about the Pinterest user who tried to cook a recipe they found on the site?

Letโ€™s just say they added a new pin to their recipe board โ€œOrder Takeout!โ€.

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If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

Their age.

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Iโ€™m all for three things:

Maintaining parallel structure, always using the Oxford comma and hypocrisy.

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What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?

Michael Gourdan.

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Dispatcher: โ€œ911, what is your emergency?โ€

Caller: โ€œYeah, Iโ€™m having trouble breathing. Iโ€™m all out of breath. Darn... I think Iโ€™m going to pass out.โ€

Dispatcher: โ€œSir, where are you calling from?โ€

Caller: โ€œIโ€™m at a pay phone. North and Foster.โ€

Dispatcher: โ€œSir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?โ€

Caller: โ€œNo.โ€

Dispatcher: โ€œWhat were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?โ€

Caller: โ€œRunning from the police.โ€

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The doctorโ€™s office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokรฉmon.

I donโ€™t know what the hell theyโ€™re talking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.

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