A viola player goes into a music shop.
The shop assistant asks what he would like.
The viola player says, “Well, I’ve been playing the viola for years and I’m getting really tired of everyone pointing and laughing and acting like I don’t know the first thing about music, so I’m thinking about taking up another instrument.”
“Do you know what you’d like to play?” asks the assistant.
The viola player says, “I’m not sure yet. Is it all right if I have a look around for a while?”
Of course the assistant says that would be just fine.
So after ten minutes or so the viola player comes up to the desk and says, “I think I’ve made my decision. I’d like to buy the bagpipes you have by the door, and the big white accordion.”
The assistant says, “Let me just go and see the manager.” He goes and sees the manager.
He comes back and says, “The manager says you can have the fire extinguisher for £49.99, but the radiator’s not for sale.”
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Why is Uranus always invited to parties?
It knows how to break the ice.
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Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
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What do you get when you drink root beer in a square glass?
Beer!
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Did you hear that Jeff Bezos changed his name to Richard and started a living room furniture empire?
I guess you can do anything if you’re sofa king rich.
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The bird flu is pretty nasty.
Luckily, it’s tweetable.
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An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum.
“Spare some loose change?” asks the bum.
“And why should I do that?” asks the accountant.
“Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.
“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”
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What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
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I’m never afraid to make a Uranus pun.
They’re always out of this world.
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Which element of the periodic table is the poorest?
Antimony.
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The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
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Did you hear about the hairdresser?
She dyed.
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I couldn’t figure out why my data wasn’t coming out like my classmate’s, until I realized I dropped a square root in the formula.
I put it back in and re-plotted the data. I saw a radical change.
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It’s hotter than a redhead’s getting a parking ticket.
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Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game.
The Queen doesn’t wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to the opponent’s territory.
Most importantly, there’s only one Queen.
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What’s the first month of the year in Transylvania?
Janu-eerie.
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A few guys in Spider-Man costumes walked into a bar.
Apparently, they were web designers!
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Why does the Easter Bunny drink beer?
He loves the hops.
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What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews.
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What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
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