I went out to a seafood restaurant the other day.
My friend ate all the prawns. Rather shellfish of him.
😄 😄 😄
Remember Dexter, who was going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson?
Not sure which race yet.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a lizard that hates Fortnite YouTubers?
An Ali-hater.
😄 😄 😄
I went on a date with a dentist last night.
At the end of the date, she said she’d had a great time and she’d like to see me again in 6 month’s time.
😄 😄 😄
Why do violists stand for long periods outside people’s houses?
They can’t find the key, and they don’t know when to come in.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of monkey doesn’t eat bananas?
An orangutan.
😄 😄 😄
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year.
They chose a hot dog... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
😄 😄 😄
Some cyclists are like clowns:
They dress funny.
They don’t follow any rules.
If anything bad happens to them, everyone laughs at them.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an Italian mosquito?
Malario.
😄 😄 😄
Hiroshima Nagasaki was nothing more than the result of Chuck Norris’ skydiving in Japan.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call the science dedicated to studying Uranus?
Asstronomy.
😄 😄 😄
What did the squirrel say on Labor Day weekend?
“Time to get nutty!”
😄 😄 😄
Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”
“Yes, my master, I have.”
“And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”
“Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”
And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”
“Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”
“That is the problem. You keep watching all this poop instead of training!”
😄 😄 😄
Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.
😄 😄 😄
What code does a depressed programmer write?
“Goodbye, world!”
😄 😄 😄
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
😄 😄 😄
Why are flamingo’s legs so long?
Because if they weren’t then they couldn’t reach the ground.
😄 😄 😄
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
😄 😄 😄
My brother is in the ER right now because of a bee sting that swelled his head.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with a shovel.
😄 😄 😄
