Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?
It was an old family recipe.
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I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
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Why was it difficult for planets to play golf?
They spotted many black holes.
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Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
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Why did the mushroom have to leave her home?
It was growing toxic by the day.
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Why do aliens not eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
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Why did the cool roofer stop hanging out with his friends?
He realized they were squares.
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What do you call a rapper wearing a wig?
2pée.
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You are so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering.
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The peach couple is in love.
They seem to be born for peach other.
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An aircraft was traveling from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, “We have lost one engine, but don’t worry, there are still three left. However, we will need seven hours to get to New York instead of five.”
A little later, the pilot announced, “Another engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York.”
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, “A third engine was broken. Never fear because the plane’s still able to fly on one engine. However, it’ll take another 18 hours to get from here to New York.”
At this point, one passenger said, “Gee, I hope we don’t lose that last engine, or we’ll be up here forever!”
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Perfume is a very logical business.
It always makes scents.
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What is a recently divorced woman’s favorite fruit?
Mango.
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Yo mama so fat not even Superman can lift her.
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Why did the husband say after grabbing his wife’s love handles while looking at all her skin?
“You are so skinny.”
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Why could Spider-man not drive a car decently even once?
Because he always confused drifting with spinning and end of in accidents.
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I love you un-cone-ditionally.
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Trying to wake you up is such a thrill.
It’s like waking up a mad beast from its ponderous slumber.
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The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Chicken.”
“Chicken, who?”
“Just chicken this is the right house!”
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