Best Jokes (98)



Yo mama so poor when I stepped on a cigarette to put it out she said β€œHey, who turned off the heat?”

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Why do T-Rexes have such bad anger issues?

Because their fathers never hugged them.

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How does a tiger move a boat?

He uses roars.

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Why did the Smurfs kick Papa Smurf out of their village?

He was giving them all the blues.

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What does a mushroom sit on?

A toadstool.

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A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, β€œDoctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”

The doctor calmly answers, β€œPay me in advance.”

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Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

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My son and I both have knee problems.

It is a joint issue.

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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

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You know, you’re being a little moon-dy, I hope it’s just a phase!

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How does the sun say hi to the moon?

With a heat wave!

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A car salesman asked me, β€œWhat are you looking for in a car?”

I said, β€œIt has to be affordable.”

He said, β€œI’m sorry, sir, I’ve never heard of a Ford Ibble.”

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Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?

β€œYep, she got the house.”

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New Year’s Eve forecast:

Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.

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You can look at the solar eclipse directly.

Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.

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A colonoscopy doctor walks into the bank.

He says to the banker, β€œI’d like to deposit a check.”

The banker says, β€œSure but I’m going to need you to sign here.”

The doctor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

He then says, β€œDammit, some asshole took my pen!”

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Why don’t mermaids play badminton?

They might get caught in the net.

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What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?

β€œHey, pal, want to blue me away?”

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Good morning!

Sorry you can’t wake up to my wonderful face, but hopefully this text will suffice.

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Your forehead is so big that if Michelangelo ever started painting frescoes on your forehead, it would take him four years to complete it.

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