I bought a gold-scented candle and burned it.
It had a very rich aroma.
😄 😄 😄
If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?
Fleas.
😄 😄 😄
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
😄 😄 😄
What is a camel’s favorite day of the week?
Hump day!
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris left for college, he told his father:
“You’re the man of the house now.”
😄 😄 😄
I asked my wife whether I should get another tattoo, and she said that if I do, I should get it in a place that doesn’t matter.
So I’m planning to get one in Oklahoma.
😄 😄 😄
I was cycling to work when a snow plow suddenly overtook me at high speed, spreading salt which hit my face.
“BASTARD!” I shouted, through gritted teeth.
😄 😄 😄
A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.
One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind.
A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain his curiosity, we stopped by the next day on his way home and knocked on the farmer’s door.
An old man answered, and he asked him about the pig with the wooden legs. The old man thought for a few minutes before answering.
“Well, son, let me tell you about this here pig.
One day I was out plowing in the back forty, and my tractor hit a rut. It tipped over and trapped me under it. I was pinned down and slowly pushed into the mud, where I knew I was going to be smothered and die.
This pig saw what happened, ran back to the farm, and made a huge ruckus. Then, when people came out to see what was going on, he led them to me.
Yep, that pig saved my life that day.”
The man agreed that was an amazing story, but he still didn’t understand about the wooden legs.
The old farmer thought some more, then told him another story.
“Well, a couple of nights ago, my wife and I were sleeping in the house when the barn caught fire. The wind was kicking up, and it was spreading to the main house.
If it weren’t for that there pig banging on the windows and squealing and raising Cain, we would have died in that fire.
Pig saved our lives, no doubt about it.”
The man was flabbergasted, “Sir, I will grant you that is a marvelous animal, but I still don’t understand why it has two wooden legs?”
The old farmer looked out into the yard and nodded to the pig, “Son, you must be a city boy, because everybody knows a pig that good, you don’t eat all at once.”
😄 😄 😄
Paddy goes to the police station.
He was looking to talk to the burglar, who broke into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court tomorrow,” said the desk sergeant.
“But it’ll only take a minute, sarge. I just want to ask how he got into our house without waking my missus, as I’ve been trying to do it for years,” says Paddy.
😄 😄 😄
Johnny was a preschool student who did not know grammar or math very well.
While in class, his teacher asked, “What’s 2+2?”
Johnny answered, “I four-get.”
😄 😄 😄
The crosseyed history teacher could not control her pupils.
😄 😄 😄
How do dolphins compute?
They use a Central Porpoising Unit.
😄 😄 😄
Two blondes are walking in the woods and come across a set of tracks.
One looks at them and says, “Wow, wolf tracks!”
The other looks down and scoffs, “Those are coyote tracks, not wolf tracks. Look at the size!”
“No, they are not!” says the first. “I’ve spent most of my life walking in these woods, and I know wolf tracks when I see them!”
They stand there arguing over the tracks for some time, and are eventually hit by a train.
😄 😄 😄
A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”
😄 😄 😄
There is rumor of a new “Amish Flu” out of Pennsylvania.
The symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little horse and buggy.
😄 😄 😄
What did 49er Linebacker always have stuck in his teeth?
Quarterbacks.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
😄 😄 😄
Mortal: “What is a million years like to you?”
God: “Like one second.”
Mortal: “What is a million pounds like to you?”
God: “Like one penny.”
Mortal: “Can I have a penny?”
God: “Just a second...”
😄 😄 😄
When my mother died, all my father said was “cough, fatigue, fever”.
He’s a man of flu words.
😄 😄 😄
My friend had mushrooms during the party.
Now he’s a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
