Best Jokes (98)



What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?

Turn into bacon.

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Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel.

Many years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!

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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.

Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

β€œWait a minute,” she said. β€œI had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

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The center of a donut is 100% fat-free.

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My New Year’s resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!

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Aliens: β€œWe’ve come to destroy the Earth.”

Greta: β€œIt’s a bit late, right?”

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A mushroom walks up to a tomato and asks him out on a date.

As the evening wears on, the tomato is just sitting there, not saying much and looking miserable.

β€œWhat’s wrong?” the mushroom says. β€œAren’t you enjoying yourself?”

β€œI guess I’m just not a fun-gi,” says the tomato.

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What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard’s neckbeard?

M’stache.

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What car does a German vegetarian drive?

A Volks-vegan.

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My crush told me that I’m pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was β€œYou’re pretty annoying”, but I focus only on the positive things.

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Can February march?

No, but April may.

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What do you call a computer covered in fruit chunks?

A pineApple Mac.

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Earth is the third planet from the sun.

By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.

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Chuck Norris can make a robot bleed.

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If I ever go missing, I would like my photo, but on wine bottles instead of milk cartons.

This way my friends will know where to look for me.

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Why did the astronaut break up with her boyfriend?

Because she needed some space.

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I asked my boss if things were looking up with our company.

And he said the future was blue-skied and full of possibility.

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How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs?

He logged in.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œHoward.”

β€œHoward, who?”

β€œHoward you like to be fooled on April Fools’ Day?”

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My interviewer leaned back in his chair and said, β€œForget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”

β€œBut I never went to college,” I replied.

β€œWell then, I’m sorry. You are underqualified to work here,” he said, as he showed me the door.

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