A man went to the pet shop to buy a budgie.
“I would like a blue budgie please” he said to the assistant.
“I haven’t got a blue one,” the assistant replied. “I’ll sell you a green one and a tin of paint. You can paint it yourself.”
“OK,” said the man, “that’ll do.”
The next day, the man comes back. The budgie is dead.
“Look at this,” said the man. “It died while I was painting it.”
“That’s odd,” said the assistant, “I’m sure that paint was safe.”
The man replies, “I never got round to painting it. It died when I was burning the old paint off…”
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The reason the girl hated mushrooms is because they were too mushy.
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What does Yoda say when he is drunk?
“Dear me, it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantity to impair my speech.”
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I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
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A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.
It’s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.
He hears a soft voice: “Nice tie.”
He looks around, but he doesn’t see anyone.
The voice speaks again: “Great haircut.” A few moments later: “Congratulations on your promotion.”
He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.
The bartender says, “That’s the pretzels, they’re complimentary.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Donut.”
“Donut, who?”
“Donut ask, it’s a secret!”
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Did you hear that Spider-Man is in trouble with the law?
They caught him on the web looking for Mary-Jane.
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Yo mama so tall she uses the Empire State Building as a toothpick.
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Why did the owl ’owl?
Because the woodpecker would peck ’er.
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Did you hear about the new strategy where companies collaborate with ill celebrities?
It’s called influenza marketing.
It’s really going viral.
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Which Marvel supervillain loves being under the sun?
Tan-os.
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When the cow jumped over the moon...
Never have the steaks been so high.
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You are so dumb you returned a puzzle because it was broken.
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Where do dead bowling pins go?
To the pit of doom!
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What’s consistent in every season of Stranger Things?
Steve Harrington losing more brain cells and gaining more children.
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When we were children, we used to refer to our granddad as Spider-Man.
He didn’t have any special powers, he just couldn’t get out of the bath without any assistance.
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I went out the other day and there was a butterfly wrapped up in a web.
A few days later it had turned into a spider.
Natures amazing.
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Why do people take their time walking in February?
Because it’s not March.
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What type of music do Amish people like?
Tech no.
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Important Announcement:
In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.
They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung:
1. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
2. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
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