Best Jokes (98)



What do you say to a stressed snowman?

Chill out!

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Your sister is so ugly when she was born your mom said, β€œWhat a treasure!”

And your dad said, β€œYes, let’s bury it.”

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Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

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A wife sends her husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread.

On his way out she says, β€œAnd if they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread...

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The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

β€œExcuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,” he said politely, β€œbut I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.”

β€œThat’s right.”

β€œEvery day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.”

β€œWell, today is his birthday.”

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My mind is like an internet browser:

19 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen, ads popping up everywhere, I have no idea where the music is coming from.

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What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?

Jail-y Donuts.

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Why did the polar bears on Noah’s Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

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What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

Every morning you will rise and shine!

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Yo momma so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

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What did one German man say to the other German man?

I have no idea, I can’t speak German.

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WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT!

IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER.

THE POLICE

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œSanta.”

β€œSanta, who?”

β€œSanta Christmas card to you. Did you get it?”

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Guess what’s β€˜tiiiimmeeeee ABDE’?

...yes, it is long time no see.

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A mummy calls a restaurant.

β€œHello, I’d like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.”

β€œCould you spell it out, please?” said the voice from the restaurant.

β€œOf course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”

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Adam meets a witch.

The witch tells him: β€œTell me I am pretty, or you will be cursed!”

Adam: β€œSorry, but I don’t find you attractive.”

Witch: β€œTake that back, or you most surely will be cursed!

Adam: β€œNope. You’re hideous.”

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: β€œLook where your rudeness brought you!”

Adam: β€œYeah, this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato.”

Witch: β€œVery well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!”

He is still adamant.

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I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I don’t think she likes them.

She said that’s gross.

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Sorry, I would’ve texted sooner but my phone just overheated.

I guess you’re just too hot for Tinder.

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What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?

A pi-thon.

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Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?

Inflation.

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