Best Jokes (98)



The party was a blue-ribbon event.

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My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.

I said, β€œPlease don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.”

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Traffic policeman: β€œDidn’t you hear my whistle, madam?”

Woman driver: β€œYes, but I don’t like flirting while I’m driving.”

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Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy, I break out in hives.

I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.

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Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

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Guess what the ship had to go to therapy for?

He was a nervous wreck!

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What was the almond tree up to all summer?

Nuttin’.

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Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?

Because mothers are priceless.

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Pros of working from home:

Β· No pants

Β· Loud music.

Cons of working from home:

Β· You have to make your own coffee

Β· You talk to yourself too much.

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What prize do you get for putting your phone on vibrate?

The no bell prize.

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I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning.

She said, β€œHow do you know he was on his way to work?”

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Public Service Announcement:

β€œIf you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs”

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What room has no doors, walls, or floor?

A mushroom.

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It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

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β€œWhy are you using our daughter as a guitar?” my wife asked.

β€œYou told me to rock her to sleep,” I replied.

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Dating me is like dating your therapist who is also your mom and is also very disappointed in you.

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Yo mama so fat, she sweats butter and syrup, and has a full time job at Denny’s wiping pancakes across her forehead.

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I just couldn’t decide which Asian takeout food I like the best, Japanese or Chinese.

I ended up calling it a Thai.

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Facebook is like a fridge.

Even when you know there’s nothing new going on, you still go on and check it every 10 minutes.

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