What did the salad say to the chef?
Lett-uce go!
😄 😄 😄
My grandma got a hip replacement.
My new grandma is a 24-year-old barista and an aspiring artist.
😄 😄 😄
A mother tells her little boy, “Johnny, you mustn’t eat too many lollies or I’ll hide the lolly jar.”
Johnny asks, “Why?”
His mother says, “Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!”
The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman.
He points to her belly smiling and says, “I know what you’ve been doing.”
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Why do otters sleep on their backs?
Because it’s otterly blissful.
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I am sweating like a cactus in a greenhouse.
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Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic.
But it was a false salaam.
😄 😄 😄
We’re not socks.
But I think we’d make a great pair.
😄 😄 😄
What is the core of Uranus called?
Urectum.
😄 😄 😄
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”
😄 😄 😄
I bought a gold-scented candle and burned it.
It had a very rich aroma.
😄 😄 😄
If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?
Fleas.
😄 😄 😄
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
😄 😄 😄
What is a camel’s favorite day of the week?
Hump day!
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris left for college, he told his father:
“You’re the man of the house now.”
😄 😄 😄
I asked my wife whether I should get another tattoo, and she said that if I do, I should get it in a place that doesn’t matter.
So I’m planning to get one in Oklahoma.
😄 😄 😄
I was cycling to work when a snow plow suddenly overtook me at high speed, spreading salt which hit my face.
“BASTARD!” I shouted, through gritted teeth.
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A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.
One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind.
A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain his curiosity, we stopped by the next day on his way home and knocked on the farmer’s door.
An old man answered, and he asked him about the pig with the wooden legs. The old man thought for a few minutes before answering.
“Well, son, let me tell you about this here pig.
One day I was out plowing in the back forty, and my tractor hit a rut. It tipped over and trapped me under it. I was pinned down and slowly pushed into the mud, where I knew I was going to be smothered and die.
This pig saw what happened, ran back to the farm, and made a huge ruckus. Then, when people came out to see what was going on, he led them to me.
Yep, that pig saved my life that day.”
The man agreed that was an amazing story, but he still didn’t understand about the wooden legs.
The old farmer thought some more, then told him another story.
“Well, a couple of nights ago, my wife and I were sleeping in the house when the barn caught fire. The wind was kicking up, and it was spreading to the main house.
If it weren’t for that there pig banging on the windows and squealing and raising Cain, we would have died in that fire.
Pig saved our lives, no doubt about it.”
The man was flabbergasted, “Sir, I will grant you that is a marvelous animal, but I still don’t understand why it has two wooden legs?”
The old farmer looked out into the yard and nodded to the pig, “Son, you must be a city boy, because everybody knows a pig that good, you don’t eat all at once.”
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Paddy goes to the police station.
He was looking to talk to the burglar, who broke into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court tomorrow,” said the desk sergeant.
“But it’ll only take a minute, sarge. I just want to ask how he got into our house without waking my missus, as I’ve been trying to do it for years,” says Paddy.
😄 😄 😄
Johnny was a preschool student who did not know grammar or math very well.
While in class, his teacher asked, “What’s 2+2?”
Johnny answered, “I four-get.”
😄 😄 😄
The crosseyed history teacher could not control her pupils.
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