A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approaches him and beats him up.
Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station.
Herman walks into the Sergeant’s office.
“What happened to you? the officer asks.
“A gang of snails beat me up,” Herman replied.
“Can you describe what they looked like?”
“I don’t know,” the sloth says. “It all happened so fast.”
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How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?
Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.
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How do you organize a party for the moon?
You just planet!
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What dinosaur would Harry Potter be?
The Dinosorcerer.
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Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
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Chuck Norris can speak braille.
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Spider-Man became a vigilante.
Meanwhile, Aunt May became a vigil auntie.
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What did the basketball player who loved donuts say after the match?
Let’s go to Dunkin’ Donuts for the hole food protein!
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You so dumb you tried to put a key in your computer’s keyboard.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Gopher.”
“Gopher, who?”
“Gopher the balloons, it’s party time!”
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A lion, a zebra, and a sloth walk into a gym.
The personal trainer approaches them and asks, “What are your fitness goals?”
The lion replies, “I want to improve my speed and agility for hunting.”
The zebra says, “I’d like to work on my endurance to outrun predators.”
The sloth sighs, “I just need to learn to hang in there.”
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I saw a lady in tears at the store.
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.
I gave her 100$ because I felt sorry for her.
Plus I had just found about $1,600 in the parking lot.
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The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads “Please use toilet brush after using the toilet”.
Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?
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What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
Your face is going to meet my shoe.
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Wanted to give being a comedian a try, but I fell and couldn’t stand up...
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Guess what you call someone who never falls down the stairs?
A stair-voyant.
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During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
He’s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
– Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.
– Doesn’t need heating.
But he still needs one more.
And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
– Has great packaging.
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An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber
Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge.
He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot, “Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!”
The bomber pilot replies, “Oh, yeah? Let’s see you do this!” and keeps flying straight and level.
The fighter jock asks, “Um... What did you do?”
The B-52 pilot says, “I just shut down two engines.”
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Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
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