Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.
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Why is the sun not very heavy to carry?
Because it is really very light.
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My libertarian neighbor posted a newspaper ad selling his collection of Star Trek ships.
And here I thought he believed in free Enterprise.
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What’s the difference between popcorn and pea soup?
Anyone can pop corn, but you can’t pee soup.
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Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset.
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An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy.
The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following, “Mr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of £1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to £1,100.”
The student said, “I see. The ethics question is ‘Do I tell the client?’”
“Wrong answer! The question is ‘Do I tell my partner?’”
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.
A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.
“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”
“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.
“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.
“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own damn business!”
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Guy 1: “Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.”
Guy 2: “And since when is Mike your best friend?”
Guy 1: “Yesterday.”
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Why do blue whales need computers?
To go on their whale-net.
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My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party.
I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.
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Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
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Why did the jelly go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling jammed up.
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My dad called. He said he’s coming back home after all these years.
The Boomer rang.
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They tell me to not tell anyone about my dreams.
So I guess I can’t tell anyone about you then.
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I suspect the moon wasn’t hungry last night.
It looked full.
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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a gorgeous blond in a bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits, and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blond in an even more outrageous bikini, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father. Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said, “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”
“Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”
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Nobody wants to be alone.
A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance. Beer belly, completely bald...
I don’t like her chances.
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Where do sailors go when they feel sick?
The dock-tor.
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Pepito asks his teacher, “Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
The teacher tells him, “No, Pepito, of course not.”
Pepito responds, “That’s good because I didn’t do my homework.”
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Easter this year is April Fools’ Day.
Just remember that so you don’t fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
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