In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn’t chasing the jeep.
Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus and the Jeep.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Beak.”
“Beak, who?”
“Beak careful that you don’t get pranked on April Fools’ Day.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Esther.”
“Esther, who?”
“Esther any more cranberry sauce?”
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Why did the broken leg go to school?
It wanted to learn how to breakdance.
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It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
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What do you call an otter with acne?
A spotty otter.
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I used to be a plumber.
But then all of my confidence went down the drain.
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A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, “HIJACK!”
All the passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “HI JOHN!”
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A database professional walks into a bar...
And joins two tables.
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Forgot it’s April Fools’!
What’s the simplest way to really quickly get some friends, so I can prank them?
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Why does Spider-Man have such good comebacks?
Because with great power comes with great response-ability.
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Would evil alternate-universe Spider-Man be a bad parallel parker?
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I asked my friend what spiders eat.
He didn’t know.
He said I should go and check on the web.
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What does vikings call English villages?
Chopping centers.
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Why does Mario want to be a celebrity?
Because being a star makes you invincible.
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What did the butter say to the bread?
“I’m on a roll!”
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I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet.
After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff.
But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
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A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words, and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling”.
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
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Why did the otter cross the road?
To show the possums that the impossible could be done.
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Why are mothers the best at Pictionary?
Because mummies know hieroglyphics.
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