Where do all planets go for their higher education?
To the universe-ity.
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What is a boxer’s favorite drink?
Punch.
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Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, “Because people are sleeping!”
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I’m reading a romance book in Braille. I don’t think I’ll finish.
It’s too touchy-feely for me.
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Have you heard about the pregnant bed bug?
She gave birth in the spring.
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Why do boomers make horrible cashiers?
Because they’re afraid of change.
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I can’t imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ireland.”
“Ireland, who?”
“Ire land you in time-out, so be nice.”
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Why did the orthopedic surgeon bring a radio into surgery?
Because he wanted to tune into the hip-est station.
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Arthas and Ulther walk into a room.
Arthas notices a switch on the wall and asks Uther what it’s for.
Uther looks at him and replies, “FOR THE LIGHT!”
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The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”
And the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
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What was the Elf on the Shelf’s favorite Olympic event?
North Pole-vault.
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Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
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A famous Australian fashion designer created a special collection of denim trousers for the indigenous population.
He calls them “aborijeans”.
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Why do Stormtroopers only have iPhones?
Because they couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.
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Guess what?
It’s morning!
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What time did Goofy have a dentist appointment?
Tooth Hurty.
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Yo mama so fat her preferred pronoun is they.
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.
She asks him: “Little Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?”
He: “Like the moon.”
The teacher: “That’s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful”.
Little Johnny: “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”
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If two avocado are “avocados”.
Then shouldn’t three avocado be “avocatres”, and four be “avoquatro”, and five be “avocinco”?
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