What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?
“Hey, pal, want to blue me away?”
😄 😄 😄
Good morning!
Sorry you can’t wake up to my wonderful face, but hopefully this text will suffice.
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Your forehead is so big that if Michelangelo ever started painting frescoes on your forehead, it would take him four years to complete it.
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My addiction to helium is out of control, but...
No one is taking my cries for help seriously.
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You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe beside you, and you’re being chased by a lion. What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel!
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Why don’t sniper attacks work on volleyball players?
Because they always run for cover.
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Why did the werewolf go to the dressing room when he saw the full moon?
He needed to change.
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Me: “Siri, why am I still single?”
Siri activates the front camera.
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What do you call the people born in April who aren’t particularly intelligent?
April fools.
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What do you call a seagull that knows martial arts?
Steven Seagull.
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Ganymede left Jupiter and flew out of the solar system last week.
I saw it today in the orbituaries.
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Why can’t the UK and the USA play chess anymore?
Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers.
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Programming is 10% writing code.
And 90% understanding why it’s not working.
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Two Hippies are walking along a railroad track, stoned.
One Hippie says, “This is a really long staircase, man!”
The other Hippie says, “I don’t mind the stairs, man. It’s this low handrail thats killing me.”
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Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
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What did the planets drink when they wanted to bulk up?
Milky Whey.
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What do you call a mermaid on a roof?
Aerial.
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A man calls 911.
The operator says, “911 what’s your emergency?”
The man says, “My wife is going into labour and I don’t know what to do!”
The operator calmly replies, “Okay. Calm down. Is this her first child?”
The man answers, “No, this is her husband!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Candice.”
“Candice, who?”
“Candice be the birthday cake? I’m starving!”
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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