What do you call the people born in April who aren’t particularly intelligent?
April fools.
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What do you call a seagull that knows martial arts?
Steven Seagull.
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Ganymede left Jupiter and flew out of the solar system last week.
I saw it today in the orbituaries.
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Why can’t the UK and the USA play chess anymore?
Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers.
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Programming is 10% writing code.
And 90% understanding why it’s not working.
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Two Hippies are walking along a railroad track, stoned.
One Hippie says, “This is a really long staircase, man!”
The other Hippie says, “I don’t mind the stairs, man. It’s this low handrail thats killing me.”
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Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
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What did the planets drink when they wanted to bulk up?
Milky Whey.
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What do you call a mermaid on a roof?
Aerial.
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A man calls 911.
The operator says, “911 what’s your emergency?”
The man says, “My wife is going into labour and I don’t know what to do!”
The operator calmly replies, “Okay. Calm down. Is this her first child?”
The man answers, “No, this is her husband!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Candice.”
“Candice, who?”
“Candice be the birthday cake? I’m starving!”
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.
However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it’s an auto-biography.
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Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
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A schoolteacher in Havana asked her class, “If the sea between Cuba and Miami were to dry up, how long would it take to walk across?”
When she got no response, she asked Pepito to give an answer.
After a moment of thought, he said, “Forty days.”
The teacher was naturally surprised.
“Pepito,” she said, “the distance from Havana to Miami is only about ninety miles. Maybe I didn’t make the question clear. Pretend that it’s all smooth and level ground. Now, how long would it take?”
Pepito insisted however on his answer of forty days.
“But why?” asked the teacher.
“Well, because you would constantly have to say ‘Excuse me’, ‘Pardon me please’, ‘Excuse me, sir’, ‘Pardon me, Miss’, ‘Excuse me’...”
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I asked the hairdresser if she ever gave a henna rinse.
She said, “No, but I once gave a duck a bath.”
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Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.
One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.
After supper she went out and put up a sign: “Beware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”
A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.
Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!!”
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I met my wife while we were working at the same museum.
Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.
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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.
She used to say “You shall not pass!”
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What do you wear to the September full moon?
A har-VEST.
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