What do you call a boring person from Finland?
A dolphin.
π π π
When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.
So I rang her and said, βGuess what, I won the jackpot.β
π π π
Yo mamaβs so fat that even the Death Star couldnβt blow her up!
π π π
My pet bird was frantically tweeting, so I gave him some food.
How he signed up for that Twitter account Iβll never know.
π π π
I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.
Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
π π π
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, βIβve got to take you in, sir. Youβre obviously drunk.β
The wasted wino asked, βOfficer, are ya absolutely sure Iβm drunk?β
Yeah, buddy, Iβm sure,β said the copper. βLetβs go.β
Obviously relieved, the wino said, βThatβs a reliefβI thought I was a cripple.β
π π π
Why couldnβt the joker enter the shop?
Because there was a board outside stating βNo funny businessβ.
π π π
Didnβt Snoop Dogg change his name?
Or was Snoop Lyinβ?!
π π π
Did you know the seagull was gods third attempt at creating the bird.
The A-gull and B-gull werenβt quite right.
π π π
Yo mamaβs so weak-minded that I got her to lead me to Jabba without using a Jedi mind trick!
π π π
Your hairline so far back, I learned about it in history class.
π π π
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code.
π π π
What do you call a fisherman who owns a slave?
A Master Baiter.
π π π
Why does the fungus always win the argument?
Because they donβt leave mush-rooms for debate.
π π π
Mosquito bites nowadays can cause concussion.
Yesterday, one of them bit my friend in his head, but fortunately I was able to kill it with a shovel.
π π π
A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he needs a haircut and doesnβt have much extra time.
He remembers thereβs a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later heβs back on his way.
A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.
βHello again, Sir,β the barber says. βWhat can I do for you?β
βOh, Iβd like another haircut, but Iβm awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?β
βOf course,β says the barber. βAnything you want. Take a seat.β
The businessman sits down.
βSo what would you like?β asks the barber.
βWell, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.
For my mustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitlerβs.
Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.
I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.
Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.
When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.
Blend the sides in, but donβt blend in the back.
And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.β
The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.
βI canβt do all that!β he says.
βWhy not?β the businessman asks. βThatβs what you did last time.β
π π π
I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms.
But it was a shii-take!
π π π
Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?
He kept listing the cause of death as birth.
π π π
What do you call a crab that throws things?
A lobster.
π π π
A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see heβd suffered some rough life.
βHave you been in any accidents lately?β he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, βNo, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.β
βYou donβt call those accidents?β said the doctor with incredulity.
βNah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.β
π π π