Yo mama so poor when I stepped on a cigarette to put it out she said “Hey, who turned off the heat?”
😄 😄 😄
Why do T-Rexes have such bad anger issues?
Because their fathers never hugged them.
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How does a tiger move a boat?
He uses roars.
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Why did the Smurfs kick Papa Smurf out of their village?
He was giving them all the blues.
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What does a mushroom sit on?
A toadstool.
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A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”
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Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
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My son and I both have knee problems.
It is a joint issue.
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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?
An Apocaclipse.
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You know, you’re being a little moon-dy, I hope it’s just a phase!
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How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
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A car salesman asked me, “What are you looking for in a car?”
I said, “It has to be affordable.”
He said, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve never heard of a Ford Ibble.”
😄 😄 😄
Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
“Yep, she got the house.”
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New Year’s Eve forecast:
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
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You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
😄 😄 😄
A colonoscopy doctor walks into the bank.
He says to the banker, “I’d like to deposit a check.”
The banker says, “Sure but I’m going to need you to sign here.”
The doctor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer.
He then says, “Dammit, some asshole took my pen!”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t mermaids play badminton?
They might get caught in the net.
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What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?
“Hey, pal, want to blue me away?”
😄 😄 😄
Good morning!
Sorry you can’t wake up to my wonderful face, but hopefully this text will suffice.
😄 😄 😄
Your forehead is so big that if Michelangelo ever started painting frescoes on your forehead, it would take him four years to complete it.
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