An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.
“Human creature,” the alien bellows, “we last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”
The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, “Well, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”
“That is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”
“Oh, nowadays we use two sticks.”
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What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?
Existential dreads!
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You’re so short you could use a pillow as your bed and still have some wiggle room.
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A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachers’ Day evening and says, “Can I have a beer.”
The barman says, “I don’t know, can you?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Water.”
“Water, who?”
“Water you doing tonight?”
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I asked my friend what spiders eat.
He didn’t know.
He said I should go and check on the web.
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The woman asks her husband, “Do you prefer a beautiful woman or an intelligent woman?”
The husband replies, “None of them, you know I only like you!”
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If vegetarians eat vegetables... what do humanitarians eat?
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My boyfriend said he wanted more space.
So I locked him outside.
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An honest lawyer, a happy Santa and a merry elf find 100 $. How do they split it?
50 dollars to Santa, 50 dollars to the elf, because there is no such thing as an honest lawyer!
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There was a candy party, guess who was late as usual?
Choco-late.
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Being an electrician really wasn’t the career I wanted, but I still go to work every day with a conduit attitude.
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From my viewpoint, it looks like it sucks to be up there.
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Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?
To be fair, it’s really hard for geese to kill sharks.
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How would the moon get their baby moon to sleep?
They rocket!
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One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his backyard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
“Hello Johnny, what are you up to?” he asked.
“My goldfish died and I’m gonna bury him,” Johnny replied.
“That’s a really big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbor.
“That’s because he’s inside your cat!”
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Why can’t you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?
You can’t take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!
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When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
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A gun company has been criticised after bringing out a pistol covered in Lego.
The manufacturer says it’s perfectly safe, unless you step on it in bare feet.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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