How many Twitter users does it take to change a lightbulb?
30. One to change the bulb, and 29 to cancel it for being brighter than they are.
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What’s the definition of an optimist?
A bassist player with a mortgage.
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What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?
Santa walking backwards!
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Why did Uranus become a rock star?
Because it’s always surrounded by gas.
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What is a carnivore’s favorite bumper sticker for their car?
“I love animals. They taste great.”
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A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.
One day, a spaceship with “UFO” written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.
The blonde’s boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
“Do you know what “UFO” stands for?” He asks.
“Of course.” She replies, “Unleaded Fuel Only.”
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I am sweating like an ice cream cone under a heat lamp.
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Husband: “What’s your most hated part of the English language?”
Wife: “The singular second person personal pronoun.”
Husband: “What?”
Wife: “YOU.”
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Why did the Java developer quit his job?
Because he didn’t get arrays.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Clover.”
“Clover, who?”
“Clover here and I’ll tell you.”
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Which store you shouldn’t enter on Friday the 13th?
The ghost-ery store.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hosanna.”
“Hosanna, who?”
“Hosanna gonna fit down the chimney on Christmas Eve?”
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A woman walks into the Social Worker’s office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW!” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they’re all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one he is Terry, also.”
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker, “I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell “Terry!”, and when it’s time for dinner, I just yell “Terry!”, and they all come running.
And if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.”
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”
“I call them by their surnames.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Aida.”
“Aida, who?”
“Aida big breakfast and now I'm stuffed.”
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Yo mama so poor when I stepped on a cigarette to put it out she said “Hey, who turned off the heat?”
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What was the full name of Eddie Murphy’s character in Shrek?
Donkey Ho-tay!
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What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend?
A PayDay.
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A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions.
So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd.
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The United States Marine Corps was started in Tun Tavern in Philadelphia in 1775. A poster was put up looking for men to volunteer.
The first man walked in, gave his name, and took an oath. He was instructed to go wait out back until more recruits joined him.
He sat out back for a few minutes, and soon another young man came out and joined him.
The newcomer said to the first guy, “Well, I guess we’re in the Marine Corps now!”
The first guy said, “Son, lemme tell you about the old Corps.”
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How do you know all suicide bombers self identify as being old?
They are all boomers in the end.
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