What do you call a bug that hesitates before biting something?
A nervous tick.
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Why don’t people like Dracula?
He’s a pain in the neck.
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I think my anime jigsaw puzzle was too simple. It was...
One Piece.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
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Why do shoppers feel like cranberry sauce on Black Friday?
They get bruised, battered and squished into pulp trying to get to the bargain bin.
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It’s so hot Siri asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water.
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The phone rang in the principal’s office.
Principal: “Hello?”
Caller: “Umm, yes, hi, my son won’t be coming to school today because he’s got the flu.”
Principal: “OK, and who may I ask is speaking?”
Caller: “Umm, my dad.”
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For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked because it’s the most accurate way of measuring my weight.
If that’s true, I still don’t get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.
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Why do bananas use sunscreen?
So they don’t peel.
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What do you call a 50-year-old soldier guarding a building?
Half a sentry.
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
If I had a brick, I’d throw it at you.
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If Uranus is disgusting, why on earth do NASA take so many photos of it?
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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
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Why did the registered nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?
Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.
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What is the definition of a farmer?
Someone is good in their field.
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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?
Because it was making him Moody.
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Guess what I am wearing tonight?
I guess nothing if you come over.
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The biggest kept secret is that Uranus is not a planet, you are actually sitting on it!
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What fish tastes best with peanut butter?
Jellyfish.
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One scoop of me, plus one scoop of you, equals a big bowl of cute.
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