If I had a dollar for every time I’ve used algebra in my life.
I’d have n dollars.
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What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?
“…This is the way.”
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Why did the pineapple stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.
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Baby Yoda’s first word...
Probably came after his second word.
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In Pokémon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.
But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.
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Alcoholics don’t run in my family.
But sometimes they fall down the stairs.
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An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was surprised to see his happy demeanor.
Doctor: “What is the secret of your good health?”
Old man: “I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling. And then come back and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health.”
Doctor: “Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died?”
Old man: “My father died! Who told you that he died?!”
Doctor (surprised): “You mean that you are 80 years old, and your father is still alive? So how old is he now?”
Old man: “He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine.”
Doctor: “This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family’s genes. So, how old was your grandfather when he died?”
Old man: “My grandfather died! Who told you that he died?!”
Doctor (puzzled): “You mean that you are 80 years old, and your grandfather is still alive very much! What is his age?”
Old man: “Yes, he is 123 years old.”
Doctor: “I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too?”
Old man: “No, Grandpa could not go this morning, because he is getting married today.”
Doctor (on the verge of going mad): “Why would he want to get married at the age of 123?”
Old man: “Who said he wanted to get married? He had to be forced.”
Doctor (shouted): “But why?!”
Old man: “The Girl is pregnant, that’s why.”
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since. The clinic is closed.
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It’s always good to find out you’re going to be working from home.
Unless you’re a firefighter.
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Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Tim’s exam paper.”
Pupil: “I hope you didn’t see me either!”
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Your mama is so short she doesn’t roll dice she pushes them.
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What is the definition of overcast?
When Harry Potter messes up a spell.
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My boss told me that work might be a little blue today.
But I didn’t know that meant the copiers were taking the day off.
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Police have arrested a gang of corn flakes that they allege committed a spree of armed robberies throughout the metro area.
A Police spokesman described them as cereal offenders.
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One fine day Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car.
As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
“Oh no,” Ole protested, “I was only doing tirty, officer.”
“No, you were doing fifty,” replied the cop.
“Really, officer, I was only doing tirty”, Ole replied stubbornly.
“Well,” bellowed the cop, “I clocked you doing FIFTY!”
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up, “Officer, you really shouldn’t argue with Ole ben he’s been drinking.”
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A man walks into the doctor’s office.
A penne stuck in one of his ears, a spaghetti in the other ear, and a tortellini stuck in one nostril.
Man: “Doctor, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
Doctor: “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
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Why did Harry Styles become a detective?
He’s just trying to solve the mystery of his own Styles.
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A lorry carrying LEGO bricks overturned on the motorway.
The police say they don’t know what to make of it.
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Your mama's got a leather wig with suede sideburns.
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What do you say to an angry baked sweet potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
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What do you call a chili with a PhD?
Dr. Pepper.
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