Don’t forget you are what you eat.
I need to eat a skinny person.
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Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.
The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?”
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The good news is Elon Musk is turning Twitter headquarters into a homeless shelter.
The bad news is it can only house 280 characters or less.
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When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
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How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop it a line.
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“Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner?”
“I yam what I yam.”
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What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing.
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I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
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Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money?
He’s a little short.
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You’re gourdgeous!
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Why did the vegetarian cross the road?
Because she was protesting for the chicken.
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As an archeologist, I organized a party with my friend to help me excavate the lower leg of a T-Rex fossil.
It’s going to be quite a shin dig.
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When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren’t paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, “Don’t you understand the gravity of this situation!”
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What does space smell like?
Uranus!
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To her credit, the registered nurse that prepped my father for his vasectomy was very gentle and pretty sure she didn’t mean to be unkind.
But he didn’t think it was very nice of her to say, “Just a little prick, sir.”
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You could never be ice cream, because you are too hot!
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I’ve lost all my Pokémon cards in a house fire.
I’ve only got Ash now.
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What does a mushroom sit on?
A toadstool.
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Chuck Norris can’t be racist, because to him there are no people, just light and dark targets.
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It’s so cold, you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
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