Why do doctors hate popular Instagram accounts that only post in the spring?
Because they’re seasonal influencers.
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Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them, “It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four.”
“Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.”
“You cannot pull that one on me,” replies Paddy. “Quattro means four. You have five people in your car, and you are therefore breaking the law.”
The Scotsmen reply angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”
“Sorry,” responds Paddy, “Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”
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What is a sloth’s favorite form of exercise?
Running late.
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A student holds a gun to his English teacher, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
English teacher: “You mean history.”
Student: “Don’t change the subject!”
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There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. It’s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.
With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.
His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, “No, they are for the funeral.”
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I used to be one of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot.
But then I discovered oven mitts.
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What did the slave owners use to purchase their slaves?
A MasterCard.
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The human brain is amazing.
It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.
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The most annoying thing about working from home is awkward Skype calls with clients.
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Why do women talk less in February?
Cause there are only 28 days.
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Where do electricians get their supplies?
The Ohm Depot.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Dee.”
“Dee, who?”
“Deer are cool, but reindeer are cooler!”
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Why didn’t the octopus fight the shark?
Because he was spineless.
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What do you call a gangster who wears eyeliner?
An emoji.
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I went to see a beet poet the other day.
There were lots of hip peas there.
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What room can no one enter?
A mushroom.
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Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There’s always yelling, crying, and plate-throwing.
Also, it’s hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.
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I love being a grandparent in retirement.
I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.
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What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve?
The ice falls out of your drinks!
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What do aliens spread on their toast?
Space jam.
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