Thereโs actually no reason for me to be up this early, but I donโt want to go through it alone.
Itโs pretty much torture, so wake up and suffer with me!
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Three men are working on a building site.
Everyday, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.
The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.
โBy god,โ the man exclaims, โI hate ham sandwiches. Iโve been working in construction for twenty years, and everyday, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself.โ
The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.
โHoly crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Everyday, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. Iโm with you buddyโif I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, Iโm killing myself.โ
The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.
โI donโt believe itโanother tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time Iโve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldnโt have to work on this sordid site no more! Iโm sick of itโcount me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, Iโm killing myself.โ
The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man โ a ham sandwich, the second โ a cheese sandwich, the third โ a tuna sandwich.
The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.
At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.
โIf only Iโd known how much he didnโt like ham sandwiches,โ says the first manโs wife, โI always thought he was being ironic!โ
โAnd if only Iโd known how much he didnโt like cheese sandwiches,โ says the second manโs wife, โI always thought he was being sarcastic!โ
โAnd if only Iโd known how much he didnโt like tuna sandwiches,โ says the third manโs wife, โbut I donโt know what good it would have doneโthe fool made his own lunch!โ
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You never really appreciate what youโve got until itโs gone.
Toilet paper is a good example.
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Why is Yoda such a good gardener?
Because he has green fingers.
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I donโt work well under pressure...
...or any other circumstance.
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If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
๐ ๐ ๐
I had a terrible Labor Day weekend. My wife was in a horrible car crash and lost her left leg and left arm.
Sheโs all right now.
๐ ๐ ๐
When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.
He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.
In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.
Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.
As he lay dying, he cried out, โGod, how could you do this to me?โ
And a voice from the heavens responded, โTo tell you the truth, Thompson, I didnโt recognize you.โ
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What do you call a pig stuck in a cactus?
A porcupine.
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Do you like Mexican food? Because I want to wrap you in my arms and make you my BAE-rito.
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I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed.
He said, โIโm not sure; itโs hard to keep track.โ
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A spider just crawled onto my keyboard.
Donโt worry itโs under ctrl.
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I had some really terrible Arabic food today.
I tell ya, it was fal-awful!
๐ ๐ ๐
The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
โCome on, ketch-up!โ
๐ ๐ ๐
Chuck Norris once played with Lego.
The result was The Great Pyramids.
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What do you call a Viking who canโt catch fish?
A cod-less heathen.
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What did the mushroom say as he fell off a cliff?
โHelp! Iโm in truffle!โ
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Someone threw some butter, milk and cheese at me recently.
I thought โhow dairyโ.
Then, they threw some more mild cheese.
I thought โthatโs not very matureโ.
๐ ๐ ๐
Did you hear about the world crossword puzzle champion who died?
He was buried six feet down and three feet across.
๐ ๐ ๐
Who should be your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
๐ ๐ ๐