Why did the Smiley moji :-) drop the nose :)?
It was too negative.
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Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
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Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.
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What does a popsicle become when it melts?
Sticky.
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The president wants to know which of the enforcement agencies is the best at convicting criminals, so he sets a test for the CIA, FBI, and LAPD. He releases a rabbit into the forest and asks them to apprehend it.
The CIA goes in first, using drones to scan the trees, paying the other animals for information, and conducting experiments. After a few months, they find nothing, so they report back that there is no such thing as a rabbit.
The FBI goes in next, but after a few weeks the search is unsuccessful, so they raid the forest, burning it to the ground, including all the other animals and the rabbit. They report back, making no apologies, saying the rabbit deserved it.
The LAPD enters last, and after only a few hours a bruised and battered deer stumbles out of the forest shouting, “Alright, alright, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”
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Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.
She clearly isn’t a fan of protection.
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What do you call the combination of Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company?
3 Musketeers.
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August 20, 2020:
Scientists have discovered a “mystery object” in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.
March 1, 2021 (Update):
Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.
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Your mama’s so short that when she sat on the curb her feet didn’t touch the ground.
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Why is North Korea so good at geometry?
Because they have a supreme ruler!
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Why don’t mummies ever take a summer vacation?
They’re afraid to unwind.
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What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
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What do you get if you cross a pig and a witch with sand?
A ham sandwich.
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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being—an animal.”
Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past, “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, “RALPH, wake up! You crapped the bed!”
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How do people know Taylor Swift had a breakup?
Because she releases a whole album about it.
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My dad always said there are two ways you know that you’re getting old.
The first is that you start to forget things. I can never remember the second one.
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People who cannot distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.
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Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.
Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
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What disorder will Spider-Man get as he ages?
Peter Parkinsons.
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Our bands bassist was always coming in late. He just couldn’t get the timing right, so we kicked him out of the band.
He got so depressed, he threw himself behind a bus.
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