A preschooler is asked to write the first sentence every member of his family said.
When he got home, he saw his mom on the phone. He asked her to say a sentence, but she yelled, “Shut up, I’m on the phone!” So, he wrote that down.
He then came into the living room and saw his dad watching a soccer game. The team he was rooting for had just scored the winning goal, so he shouted, “Yes, yes, yes!” The kid wrote that down.
He came upstairs and was going to enter his sister’s room, but he heard her planning a sleepover. He heard her say, “I’m going to stay the night and leave in the morning.” The kid wrote that down.
Next, he watched his brother play with an action figure, and when he picked up Batman, he said, “Dun nu nu nu nu Batman!” That was also written down.
Finally, he saw his little brother reading a book out loud. The first sentence he heard was, “The king’s throne.”
The next day, the teacher said, “Please tell me the first sentence that you wrote down.”
The kid shouted, “Shut up, I’m on the phone!”
The teacher was shocked.
She replied angrily, “Do you want to see the principal?!”
The kid didn’t hear her, so he said, “Yes, yes, yes!”
When the kid got sent to the principal’s office, he still had the paper in his hand.
The principal saw it and asked what was written down on it.
The kid answered, “Shut up, I’m on the phone!”
The principal said, “Excuse me? Who do you think you are?”
The kid continued reading, “Dun nu nu nu nu Batman!”
The principal was very angry and asked with anger, “How long do you want to be here, punk?”
The kid still continued to read, “I’m going to stay the night and leave in the morning.”
Now the principal was fuming, “Is there anywhere special you want to go?!”
The kid replied, “The king’s throne.”
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What did the skydiver say in autumn?
I love the fall.
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Akpos’s wife was busy singing in the bedroom.
Akpos: “You know, my dear, when you sing like that, I just wish you were on a radio.
Wife: “Wow, honey. Am I that good?”
Akpos: “No, at least on a radio I can change the station.”
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I just walked past a man in shorts carrying a really long stick and I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said, “No, I’m German, how did you know my name was Walter?”
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What’s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
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Why did the atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
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Your mama is so short she doesn’t roll dice she pushes them.
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Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.
Because actions speak louder than words.
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Why is March through May the best time of the month to buy a mattress?
It’s when they are the most springy.
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What do you call your co-workers in a boring and depressing workplace?
Melancolleague(s).
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What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
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If you get kissed by an alpaca, it’s not the end of the world.
It’s the alpaca-lips.
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Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
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Why was Uranus always mad?
Because it was the butt of everyone’s jokes.
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Why was the burger sad?
Because he had the blue cheese.
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A fly just fell into my butter.
Now it’s a butterfly.
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Paddy has just correctly answered the £500,000 question on “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire”.
He has only one question standing between him and the £1m jackpot.
Presenter: “Which of these birds does not live in a nest?
A) Thrush
B) Kestrel
C) Blue Tit
D) Cuckoo”
Paddy has one lifeline left – phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub.
Murphy agrees and immediately shouts, “It’s a cuckoo!”
Paddy goes with that answer and wins the jackpot.
That evening, Paddy was round at Murphy’s bar celebrating.
He turns to Murphy and says, “Murphy, how did you know that cuckoos don’t live in a nest?”
Murphy answers, “That’s the easiest question you could have had! Everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!”
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A company manager is flying across the desert in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost.
He calls down to a man riding a camel below him and asks where he is.
The man replies, “You’re 42 degrees and 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north, 122 degrees, 10 minutes west, 212 meters above sea level, heading due east by northeast.”
“Thanks,” replies the balloonist. “By the way, are you a data analyst?”
“Yes,” replies the man, “how did you know?”
“Everything you told me was totally accurate, you gave me way more information than I needed and I still have no idea what I need to do.”
“I’m sorry,” replied the camel-riding analyst. “By the way, are you a company manager?”
“Yes,” said the balloonist, “how did you know?”
“Well,” replied the analyst, “You’ve got no idea where you are, no idea what direction you’re heading in, you got yourself into this fix by blowing a load of hot air, and now you expect me to get you out of it.”
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Kim Jong Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.
Oops! Spelled ‘nuclear’ wrong.
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What does a snail wear to go dancing?
Escargogo boots.
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