What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
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I’m halfway through becoming a stand-up comedian. I can stand up, now all I need is comedy.
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What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?
The space bar.
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How did the strawberry donut feel after dinner?
Jam-packed!
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A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes, “I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane,” he explained, “and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort.”
Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane.
“How come you changed your theory?” he asked.
“Oh, I didn’t change my theory, it’s just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb.”
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I don’t need a telescope to see Uranus.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite type of bread?
Gas-tly sourdough.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Figs.”
“Figs, who?”
“Figs the doorbell, it’s not working lazy bones!
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Why did the knee specialist turn into a priest?
He wanted to have a mea-knee-ingful life.
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I had a nightmare last night that my TikTok account was deleted.
It was scary because I thought I had a TikTok account for a second.
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What did Alex say to his college roommate to get him to stop working on his college essay and come out for hot dogs?
Relish today...
And Ketchup tomorrow.
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What does CHEVY stand for?
Cheapest Heap Ever Viewed Yet.
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Yo mom’s so fat Luke couldn’t believe she wasn’t a moon!
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What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.
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When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof...
I was shocked.
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Murphy’s Laws of Computing:
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human… to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
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Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?
To be fair, it’s really hard for geese to kill sharks.
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Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18?
Because otherwise you’d have to call him Batman.
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After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath.
She wasn’t content. I’m so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
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What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The bogeyman.
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