What’s the problem with twin witches?
You never know which witch is which.
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I was at the paint store the other day and after the guy put my paint on the counter he asks, “Do you wanna box for that?”
I replied, “No but I’ll wrestle you for it.”
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Today I made a big pot of pasta,
but when I went to dump the pot into the sink, I think I strained something.
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Yo mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
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A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.
Five minutes later, he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”
The person says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a “Do not disturb” sign on it.”
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God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
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Chuck Norris assigns his teachers homework.
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Officer: “Do you know why I stopped you?”
Blonde: “Because I didn’t pull out of the donut shop too fast?”
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My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.
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Every Spider-Man needs a Mary Jane...
Can you be my Mary Jane?
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“Guess what?”
“What?”
“Good guess.”
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What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
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I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
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Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.
I like to play Muffin Roulette.
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What did the chef say to his staff on Labor Day?
“Let’s take a break and cook up some fun!”
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When it gets to January, I’m going to overthrow the Government!
It’ll be my New Year’s Revolution.
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Why did the circus lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
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What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?
“You are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!”
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I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.
I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.
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What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
“Wing, wing.”
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