A man shoots another man five times but insists to law enforcement that it was an accident.
“How can you shoot someone five times by accident?” the officer asked.
“Well, I was aiming for the man beside him, but I have a lazy eye,” the man said.
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Why don’t circus lions eat the clowns?
Because they taste funny.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hard Drive.”
“Hard Drive, who?”
“I had a hard drive, let me in so I can relax.”
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I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the freeway. Twice.
Should I report the vehicle as stolen?
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Hotel receptionists always seem to be such massive perverts.
They spend all day checking people out.
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What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink?
Sets on the Beach.
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Did you know that they don’t serve Thanksgiving leftovers at rehab?
People there are trying to quit cold turkey.
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Why did Stephen Hawking stop playing hide and seek with his wife?
Because she kept using a metal detector.
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Your mama so short she sleeps in a mini house.
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My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
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What do vampires play bingo with?
Stake money.
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What do you call a bird that’s afraid of heights?
A chicken.
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Where is happiness made?
At the satisfactory.
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A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections.
He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.
“Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems,” says one of the leaders.
The politician pounds his table, “Ok, tell me what they are,” he impatiently replies, all the while looking around to confirm if the excessive display got a favorable response.
“OK, our first problem is a flu outbreak, but we lack doctors and hospitals, and the second one is...”
The politician cuts him off, “Stop right there, I’ll make some calls,” as the politician animatedly grabs his phone, punches the numbers, and makes his calls.
“Yes! Yes! That would be great, tomorrow then,” he loudly replies before punching another number for another call. “Yes, a hospital, I will pay for it personally.”
He hangs up and turns to everyone, “Good news, everyone! I have arranged for a group of doctors to come here tomorrow and check on those afflicted,” he loudly proclaims. “I have also called for the immediate construction of a hospital, which would begin as soon as we are able to find a suitable area today. Now, what was your other problem?”
“Yes, our second problem is that we don’t have cellphone coverage here.”
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Chuck Norris can make fire by rubbing together two pieces of ice.
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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?
Smurf poop.
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What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
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I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.
Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.
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My friends keep calling me a joker.
But no matter how many decks of cards I search through, I still can’t find my face on a single one.
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Yo mama’s nose hairs are so long that they make Bobobo jealous!
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