What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?
“Sure, Bert.”
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What is God’s favorite guitar chord?
G-Sus.
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You are so dumb you tripped over a wireless connection.
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What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?
Peak Aboo.
And which one gives them a flu?
Peak Achoo.
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I smiled right after getting up.
I think I dislocated my face.
Good morning!
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What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they’re already stuffed.
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I’d tell you a rumor about some butter on a piece of toast, but you might spread it.
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Why was the blueberry muffin so sad?
It was feeling a little crumby.
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Why doesn’t the Rams football team have a website?
They can’t string three W’s together.
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Why did they arrest the volleyball player?
They suspected foul play.
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The biggest kept secret is that Uranus is not a planet, you are actually sitting on it!
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You know the economy is bad when you pull into the McDonald’s drive thru and the person at the speaker asks:
“Can you afford fries with that?”
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Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.
Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn’t have a Flash player installed.
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Why did the Gen Z’er bring a ladder to the library?
To reach the highest shelf for the perfect Instagram shot.
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My girlfriend said I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.
What a Joker.
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Client on group chat: “This is jeans week so feel free to wear jeans tomorrow.”
Me: “Dang, does that mean I have to wear pants?”
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So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady.
She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”
“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.
I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
“Because we’ve got no teeth,” she replied.
“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.
“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”
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My dad and I were having donuts for lunch.
He said, “Enjoy the HOLE donut!”
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Why don’t dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
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Why did all the planets give the most attention to the sun?
Because the sun is the center of the universe.
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