What monster plays the most April Fools’ jokes?
Prankenstein!
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What’s a bowling ball’s favorite sweet?
Skittles!
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
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which is the most feminine candy?
it’s Hershey!
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Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends’ food looked like.
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It’s as cold as a brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska.
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What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios?
“Wow! Donut seeds!”
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I used to confuse Star Wars with Star Trek.
It was a Wookie mistake.
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Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
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Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
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Yo daddy so ugly yo momma first saw him at the zoo.
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What music does the Easter Bunny listen to while hiding eggs?
Hip hop.
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You got the whole world in your nose. How lucky are you.
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Did you know, some fleas spend their lives jumping for the moon?
Lunar-tics.
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Once a boy was killing mosquitoes.
The girl asked him, “How many mosquitoes have you killed?”
He replied, “3 female and 2 male.”
She asked, “How did you know that they were male or female?”
He replied, “3 were sitting in front of the mirror and the 2 were sitting on the treadmill.”
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Chuck Norris has a polar bear rug on his floor.
It’s actually a live bear but it’s too scared to move.
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Having your own child is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.
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From the death notice of a local newspaper:
After a very hard and painful life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace.
The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.
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Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.
The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”
Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.
“FATHER!” he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”
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What kind of exercise do sloths do?
Waitlifting.
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