An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.
βHuman creature,β the alien bellows, βwe last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.β
The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, βWell, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. Weβd take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and weβd eat it right off the stick.β
βThat is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?β
βOh, nowadays we use two sticks.β
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What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?
Existential dreads!
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Youβre so short you could use a pillow as your bed and still have some wiggle room.
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A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachersβ Day evening and says, βCan I have a beer.β
The barman says, βI donβt know, can you?β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βWater.β
βWater, who?β
βWater you doing tonight?β
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I asked my friend what spiders eat.
He didnβt know.
He said I should go and check on the web.
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The woman asks her husband, βDo you prefer a beautiful woman or an intelligent woman?β
The husband replies, βNone of them, you know I only like you!β
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If vegetarians eat vegetables... what do humanitarians eat?
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My boyfriend said he wanted more space.
So I locked him outside.
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An honest lawyer, a happy Santa and a merry elf find 100 $. How do they split it?
50 dollars to Santa, 50 dollars to the elf, because there is no such thing as an honest lawyer!
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There was a candy party, guess who was late as usual?
Choco-late.
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Being an electrician really wasnβt the career I wanted, but I still go to work every day with a conduit attitude.
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From my viewpoint, it looks like it sucks to be up there.
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Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?
To be fair, itβs really hard for geese to kill sharks.
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How would the moon get their baby moon to sleep?
They rocket!
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One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his backyard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
βHello Johnny, what are you up to?β he asked.
βMy goldfish died and Iβm gonna bury him,β Johnny replied.
βThatβs a really big hole for a goldfish, isnβt it?β asked the neighbor.
βThatβs because heβs inside your cat!β
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Why canβt you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?
You canβt take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!
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When I was born I was so surprised I didnβt talk for a year and a half.
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A gun company has been criticised after bringing out a pistol covered in Lego.
The manufacturer says itβs perfectly safe, unless you step on it in bare feet.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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