Best Jokes (98)



A preschooler is asked to write the first sentence every member of his family said.

When he got home, he saw his mom on the phone. He asked her to say a sentence, but she yelled, โ€œShut up, Iโ€™m on the phone!โ€ So, he wrote that down.

He then came into the living room and saw his dad watching a soccer game. The team he was rooting for had just scored the winning goal, so he shouted, โ€œYes, yes, yes!โ€ The kid wrote that down.

He came upstairs and was going to enter his sisterโ€™s room, but he heard her planning a sleepover. He heard her say, โ€œIโ€™m going to stay the night and leave in the morning.โ€ The kid wrote that down.

Next, he watched his brother play with an action figure, and when he picked up Batman, he said, โ€œDun nu nu nu nu Batman!โ€ That was also written down.

Finally, he saw his little brother reading a book out loud. The first sentence he heard was, โ€œThe kingโ€™s throne.โ€

The next day, the teacher said, โ€œPlease tell me the first sentence that you wrote down.โ€

The kid shouted, โ€œShut up, Iโ€™m on the phone!โ€

The teacher was shocked.

She replied angrily, โ€œDo you want to see the principal?!โ€

The kid didnโ€™t hear her, so he said, โ€œYes, yes, yes!โ€

When the kid got sent to the principalโ€™s office, he still had the paper in his hand.

The principal saw it and asked what was written down on it.

The kid answered, โ€œShut up, Iโ€™m on the phone!โ€

The principal said, โ€œExcuse me? Who do you think you are?โ€

The kid continued reading, โ€œDun nu nu nu nu Batman!โ€

The principal was very angry and asked with anger, โ€œHow long do you want to be here, punk?โ€

The kid still continued to read, โ€œIโ€™m going to stay the night and leave in the morning.โ€

Now the principal was fuming, โ€œIs there anywhere special you want to go?!โ€

The kid replied, โ€œThe kingโ€™s throne.โ€

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What did the skydiver say in autumn?

I love the fall.

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Akposโ€™s wife was busy singing in the bedroom.

Akpos: โ€œYou know, my dear, when you sing like that, I just wish you were on a radio.

Wife: โ€œWow, honey. Am I that good?โ€

Akpos: โ€œNo, at least on a radio I can change the station.โ€

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I just walked past a man in shorts carrying a really long stick and I asked him, โ€œAre you a pole vaulter?โ€

He said, โ€œNo, Iโ€™m German, how did you know my name was Walter?โ€

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Whatโ€™s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.

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Why did the atheist cross the road?

He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldnโ€™t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

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Your mama is so short she doesnโ€™t roll dice she pushes them.

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Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.

Because actions speak louder than words.

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Why is March through May the best time of the month to buy a mattress?

Itโ€™s when they are the most springy.

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What do you call your co-workers in a boring and depressing workplace?

Melancolleague(s).

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What does a duck thatโ€™s made of avocado say?

Guac.

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If you get kissed by an alpaca, itโ€™s not the end of the world.

Itโ€™s the alpaca-lips.

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Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

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Why was Uranus always mad?

Because it was the butt of everyoneโ€™s jokes.

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Why was the burger sad?

Because he had the blue cheese.

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A fly just fell into my butter.

Now itโ€™s a butterfly.

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Paddy has just correctly answered the ยฃ500,000 question on โ€œWho Wants To Be a Millionaireโ€.

He has only one question standing between him and the ยฃ1m jackpot.

Presenter: โ€œWhich of these birds does not live in a nest?

A) Thrush

B) Kestrel

C) Blue Tit

D) Cuckooโ€

Paddy has one lifeline left โ€“ phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub.

Murphy agrees and immediately shouts, โ€œItโ€™s a cuckoo!โ€

Paddy goes with that answer and wins the jackpot.

That evening, Paddy was round at Murphyโ€™s bar celebrating.

He turns to Murphy and says, โ€œMurphy, how did you know that cuckoos donโ€™t live in a nest?โ€

Murphy answers, โ€œThatโ€™s the easiest question you could have had! Everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!โ€

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A company manager is flying across the desert in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost.

He calls down to a man riding a camel below him and asks where he is.

The man replies, โ€œYouโ€™re 42 degrees and 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north, 122 degrees, 10 minutes west, 212 meters above sea level, heading due east by northeast.โ€

โ€œThanks,โ€ replies the balloonist. โ€œBy the way, are you a data analyst?โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ replies the man, โ€œhow did you know?โ€

โ€œEverything you told me was totally accurate, you gave me way more information than I needed and I still have no idea what I need to do.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m sorry,โ€ replied the camel-riding analyst. โ€œBy the way, are you a company manager?โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ said the balloonist, โ€œhow did you know?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the analyst, โ€œYouโ€™ve got no idea where you are, no idea what direction youโ€™re heading in, you got yourself into this fix by blowing a load of hot air, and now you expect me to get you out of it.โ€

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Kim Jong Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.

Oops! Spelled โ€˜nuclearโ€™ wrong.

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What does a snail wear to go dancing?

Escargogo boots.

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