What is a cactus’s favorite Minions movie?
Des-prick-able Me.
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In the UK most people complain about the bad weather.
But Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.
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What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?
Phil Ming.
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The sun and moon walked into a coffee shop.
Sun: “Oh man, I forgot my wallet!”
Moon: “Don’t worry, I’ll cover you.”
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There’s a hair in my wine.
The grapes must have been fur-mented.
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Why did the disgruntled hot dog vendor quit his job?
He just didn’t relish it.
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Why was the flu feeling down?
It didn’t feel like it was being taken snot-seriously.
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Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
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Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere!
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What did the blue tie say to the little red dress?
“You go ahead, I’ll just hang around.”
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Why do people think vampire always have the flu?
Because they be coffin all day.
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The electrician’s favorite ice cream flavor is shock-a-lot.
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?!” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.
“We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like Heck, they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.
“They’re coming for Easter and paying their own way.”
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Two hunters are walking along in the deep of autumn, stalking a buck, when they come across a clean-cut, 10-ft diameter hole, that goes too deep to see the bottom.
“A sinkhole?” one hunter asks, “How deep does this go?”
The other shrugs.
The first hunter looks around and finds a stick, drops it down the ten-foot hole, and leans over trying to hear it hit the bottom of the hole.
They pause for a moment in silence, but hear nothing.
“Something heavier,” they agree.
The second hunter finds a rock about the size of a softball and drops it down as well, leaning over trying to hear it.
They pause for a moment in silence, but hear nothing.
Just as the second hunter turns around, the first finds a cinder block. They nod, thinking surely this will be heavy enough to make a noise as it hits the bottom.
They both heave the cinder block down the clean-cut, ten-foot, seemingly bottomless pit. They lean over, just as before, cupping their hands around their ears.
Suddenly, a loud racket comes up from behind them. They both dodge out of the way as a brown goat sprints past them, nearly knocking them in, and dives headfirst down the hole, into the darkness below.
Shocked at this occurrence, both hunters agree to speak to the owner of the land they’d been on. They find the farmer’s house and knock on her door.
When she answers, both of them attempt to explain what had happened.
“We found this ten-foot hole about a quarter mile that way,” one said. “It’s clean-cut and we couldn’t tell how deep it was. We dropped a stick and didn’t hear anything, we tried a rock too and didn’t hear anything either. Then this goat came barreling past us, nearly knocked us in, and dove straight down.”
The farmer looked puzzled.
“Was it a brown goat?” she asked.
The two hunters nodded, and the farmer shook her head.
“That’s impossible, I had him tied to a cinder block.”
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A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”
The pharmacist, surprised, responds, “No, this is a pharmacy.”
The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.
This time, the man responds, “As I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.”
Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.
Annoyed, the pharmacist says, “Look, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.”
On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”
Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard that its teeth get completely shattered.
The rabbit leaves... and comes back the next day,
“Do ya seh cahot juys?”
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Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He’s over the moon!
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What do you call a travel agency landing page?
A destination URL.
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What do you get when you cross a red racing car, nuts, and chocolate?
A Ferrari Rocher!
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Chuck Norris filmed the invention of a camera.
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One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”
Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”
“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”
The very next day, her grandpa died.
That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.
Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.
The very next day, Sally’s grandma died.
That night, when Sally said “Good night Mom, goodbye Dad”, Sally’s dad began to panic. He knew this couldn’t just be a coincidence.
So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.
Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.
He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.
“Oh, it was just awful!” she replied. “The Milkman died!”
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