A man calls 911.
The operator says, “911 what’s your emergency?”
The man says, “My wife is going into labour and I don’t know what to do!”
The operator calmly replies, “Okay. Calm down. Is this her first child?”
The man answers, “No, this is her husband!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Candice.”
“Candice, who?”
“Candice be the birthday cake? I’m starving!”
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.
However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it’s an auto-biography.
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Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
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A schoolteacher in Havana asked her class, “If the sea between Cuba and Miami were to dry up, how long would it take to walk across?”
When she got no response, she asked Pepito to give an answer.
After a moment of thought, he said, “Forty days.”
The teacher was naturally surprised.
“Pepito,” she said, “the distance from Havana to Miami is only about ninety miles. Maybe I didn’t make the question clear. Pretend that it’s all smooth and level ground. Now, how long would it take?”
Pepito insisted however on his answer of forty days.
“But why?” asked the teacher.
“Well, because you would constantly have to say ‘Excuse me’, ‘Pardon me please’, ‘Excuse me, sir’, ‘Pardon me, Miss’, ‘Excuse me’...”
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I asked the hairdresser if she ever gave a henna rinse.
She said, “No, but I once gave a duck a bath.”
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Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.
One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.
After supper she went out and put up a sign: “Beware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”
A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.
Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!!”
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I met my wife while we were working at the same museum.
Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.
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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.
She used to say “You shall not pass!”
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What do you wear to the September full moon?
A har-VEST.
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What’s the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
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Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
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How do crabs get around on land?
They use the sidewalk.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Hammond.”
“Hammond, who?”
“Hammond eggs for breakfast please!”
😄 😄 😄
I’m not a morning person or a night owl.
I’m a permanently exhausted pigeon just trying to get through the day.
Good morning!
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What’s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
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An Australian aboriginal is doing a bit of fishing when he notices a massive mud crab out of season.
As quick as can be, he grabs the mud crab and throws it in the trunk of his car.
At that moment, a Department of Fisheries ranger observes Paddy—the aboriginal—putting the mud crab into the trunk of his car.
“Oi, you can’t do that! I saw what you have there. You’ve got a mud crab in the trunk. It isn’t mud crab season. I’ll find you!” Paddy says, “No way, mate. It isn’t what it looks like. This mud crab is my pet. His name is Marty. Every day, I take him down here for a swim. I’ll show you.” So he took the mud crab and put it in the water. The mud crab scuttled away and disappeared. “Well, where is he?” asked the ranger. Paddy: “Where’s what?”
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My local store sells clothes made of bricks.
It’s a hardware store.
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Did you hear about the mermaid who decided to join human society?
Despite her efforts, others still viewed her as a fish out of water.
😄 😄 😄
