A wife was going to the UK.
Wife: “Should I bring you something from there?”
Husband: “Yeah. I’d like an English girl.”
The wife leaves for the UK.
After she returns.
Husband: “Did you bring me what I asked for?”
Wife: “Yes. You’ll get your English girl in 9 months.”
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that all the bread in the store is toast.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Volleyball player who hurt her knee diving for the ball?
Courtney.
😄 😄 😄
If I remember correctly, the last time that I was someone’s type was when I was donating blood in the blood drive.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call two depressed bears?
Bipolar.
😄 😄 😄
I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”
I said, “Not at all.”
He said, “‘Kiss?’”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly when she watches TV the channels change themselves.
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On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, “What are your parents’ names?”
The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing and my mother’s name is Smiling.”
The teacher said, “Are you kidding?”
The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?
E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.
😄 😄 😄
My racehorse’s name is Mayo. Sometimes, Mayo neighs.
😄 😄 😄
Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But I’m not sure if I’ll keep them.
The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.
I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.
I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.
What luck! An ad for “Gorilla removal”.
I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.
5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.
At this point, I asked the guy, “Hey what’s the plan?”
He said, “Well, I’m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and you’ll never see that Gorilla again.”
To which I asked, “What’s the shotgun for?”
“Well, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you say to a stressed snowman?
Chill out!
😄 😄 😄
Your sister is so ugly when she was born your mom said, “What a treasure!”
And your dad said, “Yes, let’s bury it.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
😄 😄 😄
A wife sends her husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread.
On his way out she says, “And if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread...
😄 😄 😄
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
“Excuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,” he said politely, “but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.”
“That’s right.”
“Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.”
“Well, today is his birthday.”
😄 😄 😄
My mind is like an internet browser:
19 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen, ads popping up everywhere, I have no idea where the music is coming from.
😄 😄 😄
What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?
Jail-y Donuts.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the polar bears on Noah’s Ark hang out near the insects?
They were looking for the ark tick.
😄 😄 😄
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you will rise and shine!
😄 😄 😄
