Best Jokes (98)



A wife was going to the UK.

Wife: โ€œShould I bring you something from there?โ€

Husband: โ€œYeah. Iโ€™d like an English girl.โ€

The wife leaves for the UK.

After she returns.

Husband: โ€œDid you bring me what I asked for?โ€

Wife: โ€œYes. Youโ€™ll get your English girl in 9 months.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot that all the bread in the store is toast.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a Volleyball player who hurt her knee diving for the ball?

Courtney.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If I remember correctly, the last time that I was someoneโ€™s type was when I was donating blood in the blood drive.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call two depressed bears?

Bipolar.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, โ€œDo you mind if I put some music on?โ€

I said, โ€œNot at all.โ€

He said, โ€œโ€˜Kiss?โ€™โ€

I said, โ€œLetโ€™s listen to the music first and see how we feelโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so ugly when she watches TV the channels change themselves.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, โ€œWhat are your parentsโ€™ names?โ€

The student replied, โ€œMy fatherโ€™s name is Laughing and my motherโ€™s name is Smiling.โ€

The teacher said, โ€œAre you kidding?โ€

The student said, โ€œNo, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My racehorseโ€™s name is Mayo. Sometimes, Mayo neighs.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But Iโ€™m not sure if Iโ€™ll keep them.

The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.

I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.

I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.

What luck! An ad for โ€œGorilla removalโ€.

I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.

5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.

At this point, I asked the guy, โ€œHey whatโ€™s the plan?โ€

He said, โ€œWell, Iโ€™m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and youโ€™ll never see that Gorilla again.โ€

To which I asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s the shotgun for?โ€

โ€œWell, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you say to a stressed snowman?

Chill out!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your sister is so ugly when she was born your mom said, โ€œWhat a treasure!โ€

And your dad said, โ€œYes, letโ€™s bury it.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A wife sends her husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread.

On his way out she says, โ€œAnd if they have eggs, get a dozen.โ€

The husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

โ€œExcuse me for disturbing you, maโ€™am,โ€ he said politely, โ€œbut I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and Iโ€™ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s right.โ€

โ€œEvery day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.โ€

โ€œWell, today is his birthday.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My mind is like an internet browser:

19 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen, ads popping up everywhere, I have no idea where the music is coming from.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?

Jail-y Donuts.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the polar bears on Noahโ€™s Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

Every morning you will rise and shine!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


















© 2022-2024 jokes.best