What do you get when you cross Spider-Man with a flatbread?
Pita Parker.
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What’s a Pinterest user’s favorite type of weather?
Rainy, so they have an excuse to stay in and pin all day.
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What do you call it when one chickpea murders another?
Hummus-cide.
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My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who's there?”
“Ho, ho.”
“Ho ho, who?”
“You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.”
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My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it’s literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Elf.”
“Elf, who?”
“Elf me wrap this present!”
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Spider-Man borrowed his mom’s car to take it out for a spin.
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Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born.
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The sunflower was feeling lonely.
He said he just wanted to get some-bud-y to love.
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Yeah, god only lets things grow until they’re perfect.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was trying to escape the gravitational pull of your mother.
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A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
Bartender: “Sure.”
Man: “Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile.”
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After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help.
She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch.
He decides what time it is.
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What did Mars say to Earth?
Get out of my space!
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I have decided to pursue my dreams... good night!
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Yo momma is so smelly even Banthas want to run away from her as fast as possible.
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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!”
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Yo mama so hairy people wonder why she wears a fur coat to a nude beach.
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