What do you call the science dedicated to studying Uranus?
Asstronomy.
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What did the squirrel say on Labor Day weekend?
“Time to get nutty!”
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Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, “My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?”
“Yes, my master, I have.”
“And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?”
“Yes, my master, I have witnessed it.”
And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?”
“Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.”
“That is the problem. You keep watching all this poop instead of training!”
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Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.
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What code does a depressed programmer write?
“Goodbye, world!”
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How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
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Why are flamingo’s legs so long?
Because if they weren’t then they couldn’t reach the ground.
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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
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My brother is in the ER right now because of a bee sting that swelled his head.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with a shovel.
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Good morning! Open your mouth wide!
I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!
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Yo mama so dumb she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
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What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G.
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My tight-fisted neighbor doesn’t want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so he’s going to try and do it himself.
“How hard can it be?” he said.
I think he’s in for a shock.
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Seize the day. Or sneeze the day.
Regardless, bless you!
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You’re so short that when you get angry at people for making fun of you, all you can do is bite their ankles.
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I went on a date with Spider-Man, but he was super clingy.
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My twin brothers dressed up as a bird this Halloween, guess what they said?
Trick or tweet.
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Last time I went fishing, I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don’t quite remember the rest of the day.
All I really know is that I pulled a mussel.
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One snowman asks another, “How do you stay in such good shape?”
He answers, “All I do is set the hairdryer on high heat and pounds just melt away.”
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Where does a kangaroo go that can’t hop?
Hopspital.
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