I got the book “Internet Forums for Dummies” from a friend.
But I need to take it back, because I already Reddit.
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What’s yellow and always points north?
A magnetic minion.
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Yo mama’s so fat that the Kaminoans couldn’t use her as a host for clones since they couldn’t pierce her skin deep enough to draw blood.
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I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.
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How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day?
92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
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Man: “Dude, my wife just crashed my Mustang!”
Friend: “OMG, is she okay?”
Man: “Well, she may need some buffering and a new coat of paint, but she should be alright.”
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What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson.
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Why did the bearded thief shave before robbing a bank?
They wanted to be a smooth criminal.
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I stopped drinking water while studying chemistry.
My notes say adding water decreases concentration.
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Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
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Average speed of a wife in a shopping mall.
$200 per hour.
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Wishing you a warm and bright 40th birthday!
It couldn’t be any other way with that many candles on your cake.
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What did the vampire say to his hungry friend?
Don’t B-negative. Look for more positive.
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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”
“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.”
“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
“When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”
“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”
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Why did the gastroenterologist choose this specialty?
There was an opening.
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A cookie a day keeps the sadness away.
An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
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Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is:
“Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
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Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year.
Hers is in February and mine in July.
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What has four legs but can’t walk?
Half an octopus.
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What does Santa spend his wages on?
Jingle Bills.
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