What kind of car did the famous sushi chef drive?
A rolls rice.
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When Chuck Norris looks into the mirror it breaks because nobody gets between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
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What vegetable can tie your shoes?
String beans.
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I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding.
He said, βSuit yourself.β
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Two RoofersβBob and Danβwere putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.
Bob and Dan decided that, since it was early, they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.
It was nearing 5 PM, and they hadnβt seen hide nor hair of anyone.
So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.
Bob says, βItβs the only way down. I will go first.β
Bob jumped.
Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, βHey Bob! How deep did you go?β
Bob yells back, βI went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!β
Dan jumps... and sinks clear up to his neck in manure!
βI thought when you jumped, you went up to your ankles?β he shouts at his friend.
βI did...β explained Bob, βbut I landed head first!β
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Whatβs the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
A tire.
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Johnny tried to buy a toy car with Monopoly money at the store.
The cashier said, βThereβs no way I can take this. Itβs fake.β
Johnny said, βWell, the carβs not real either.β
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What type of brief packs a punch?
A boxer brief.
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Apparently, Jude Law has a vegetarian son.
Coles Law.
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Whatβs yellow and always points north?
A magnetic minion.
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Otters have a seafood diet: clams, crabs, mussels, you name it.
Basically, they see food, they eat it.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βIvana.β
βIvana, who?β
βIvana piece of your birthday cake.β
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Why did the fungi leave the party?
There wasnβt mush-room for dancing.
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity.
Twice.
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I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.
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My Mom said sheβd been looking forward to Motherβs Day for ages.
I said, βWhy? Your Mumβs dead.β
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What is the official animal of National Pi Day?
The pi-thon.
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Then I said, βYour beard makes you look thinner.β
...But that didnβt seem to cheer her up.
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What do you call a zombie that writes the music?
Decomposer.
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