What is a moth’s favorite type of glasses?
Lampshades.
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“Knock! Knock!”
“Who’s there?”
“Dee.”
“Dee, who?”
“DEEZ NUTS!”
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My favorite geology professor died today.
My sediments are with his family.
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What’s the name of the Democratic skeleton from Brooklyn, New York who’s running for president?
Bony Sanders.
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What do aliens like to eat?
Unidentified frying objects!
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How does a man from Alabama hold up his pants?
With a bible belt.
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Scientists have discovered that, on occasion, an octopus will “punch” a fish for no reason other than spite.
That’s called Toxic Molluskulinity.
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It is hotter than jalapenos and spice on rye.
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My uncle always refused to obey his controlling wife.
He was defy-aunt.
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Why did the manaless Syndra run from the team fight?
She didn’t have the balls.
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Your 5 minutes are up!
And nope, no more extensions.
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A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port in France and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places.
“Oui, monsieur. What is the destination port for this load?”
“I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil.”
“Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal?”
“Why is that, sir?”
“If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese, of course!”
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Retail job interview (2012).
“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”
“You mean after the global pandemic or before the war?”
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It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.
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Flight attendant: “Do we have a doctor on board?”
Me: “I have a PhD in mathematics.”
Flight attendant: “One passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack.”
Me (nodding): “That makes two.”
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I see double!”
Doctor: “Sit on the chair please.”
Patient: “Which one?”
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My neighbors listen to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
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What did the butter say to the bread?
“I’m on a roll!”
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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?
Phil.
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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Son, go get your mother.”
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