What a morning...
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snowwoman.
8:15 I made a snowwoman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snowwoman’s voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snowwoman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 I am told the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter, “Yeah, if it’s up your...”
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 ISIS just claimed responsibility...
😄 😄 😄
I told Uranus it was the butt of all jokes.
But it just laughed it off.
😄 😄 😄
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator.
I was wrong on so many levels.
😄 😄 😄
How do you accurately guess what you’re having for dinner?
You cook it yourself!
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When I said, I wanted to work from home, I didn’t mean I work on Saturday.
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A blonde and a brunette are in a car. Brunette: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
Blonde: “I hope it’s not the 13th.”
😄 😄 😄
I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.
They said, “No, just until the end of June.”
😄 😄 😄
I used to be the drummer in a progressive 80s rock band called Prevention.
We were better than The Cure.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?
Apparently he got it from a cardinal.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call Spider-Man when he quits The Daily Bugle and starts working as a valet?
Peter PARKER.
😄 😄 😄
What three things would you bring if you were stranded on a deserted island?
Irony, the Oxford comma and a missed opportunity.
😄 😄 😄
At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”
“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”
😄 😄 😄
A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “What do you mean?”
“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
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What do you call an aboriginal in a lamp?
An abori-genie.
😄 😄 😄
What does a panda ghost eat?
Bam-BOO!
😄 😄 😄
Why are mushroom children so good?
They don’t want to get in truffle.
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What do you call a single kernel of corn?
A uni-corn.
😄 😄 😄
I played an April Fools’ joke on my parkour team this morning.
They all fell for it.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad”
😄 😄 😄
How does Uranus apologize for being late?
It blames it on its orbit.
😄 😄 😄
