How does the moon do his nails?
Eclipse them.
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What time would it be if Vecna came to school?
Time to run.
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What did the birthday cake say to the ice cream?
You’re cool!
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Did you hear that the FBI recently put data scientists on their watch list?
They are definitely plotting something.
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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
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Did you hear they found a pushpin on the largest moon of Saturn?
That’s right.
A tac on Titan.
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What does a volleyball player do at prom?
Spike the punch.
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I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.
They said, “No, just until the end of June.”
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A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, “These sleepovers are killing me.”
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I like to stuff dollar bills in my belt.
They tell me it’s a waist of money.
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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
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Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn... I think I’m going to pass out.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, where are you calling from?”
Caller: “I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?”
Caller: “No.”
Dispatcher: “What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?”
Caller: “Running from the police.”
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I went on a date with a dentist last night.
At the end of the date, she said she’d had a great time and she’d like to see me again in 6 month’s time.
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What do you get when you cross a Tyrannosaurus rex with explosives?
Dino-mite.
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Why was the chef embarrassed?
He saw the salad dressing.
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Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad.
So I walked over to him and said, “I think you’re supposed to open that first.”
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In the UK most people complain about the bad weather.
But Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.
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What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?
A barberqueue!
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It is hotter than a handbag of hot hen poop.
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What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?
Error in connecting to the server.
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