What do you call a letter from a feminist?
Hate male.
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What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?
A Mute-ation.
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Can you guess why learning sign language is such a good idea?
Because it is quite handy!
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The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in room 222.
Close to 17:00, he calls room service from the landline and says the following.“Tu ti, tu tututu.”
The attendant has a hard time understanding the request and, considering that it is the president, not just some regular customer, concludes that he must have overheard an encoded message meant for a Brazilian operative currently undercover. He calls the CIA and describes the situation. Shortly after, two agents are dispatched to the location.
After some hours of work and observation, they are unable to decipher any meaning from the encoded message.
The president eventually calls again and says, “Hello. Tu ti, tu tututu.”
The two agents recorded the enigmatic message and, after some more frustration, decided to call in a specialist in the Portuguese language.
The specialist, after learning of the situation, decides that the best course of action is to go undercover as room service to the president’s room.
When the specialist returned, he explained. “All the president wanted was some tea delivered to his room, Two tea, to two two two.”
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A farmer named Rick had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Rick. “Didn’t you say, at the moment of the accident, ‘I’m fine’,” asked the lawyer?
Rick responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...”
“I did not ask you for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”
Rick said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road.”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Rick’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”
Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said ‘how are you feeling?’. Now, what the heck would YOU say?”
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What happens when developers ask a silly question?
They get a silly ANSI.
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Why did the hip bone go to the coffee shop?
Because it needed a little perk-me-up after surgery.
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What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand.
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Did you know that according to 911 choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a “bear attack”.
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Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.
He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
The Reverend Morgan then sat down.
Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.”
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What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?
Iceberg lettuce.
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I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water.
It’s an untapped market.
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I had to put my motorbike in the shop.
It needed a wheelignment.
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Success is like a fart.
It only bothers people when it’s not their own.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Beak.”
“Beak, who?”
“Beak careful that you don’t get pranked on April Fools’ Day.”
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Teacher: “Class, choose between money and brain.”
Akpos: “I’d go for the money!”
Teacher: “I’d go for brain!”
Akpos: “Well, everybody goes for what he doesn’t have.”
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Guess what happened to the man who was addicted to doing the “Hokey Pokey”?
He turned himself around.
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Why do cats hate laptops?
They don’t have a mouse.
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Two drunk guys walk into a hotel.
Skippering one word after another, they finally manage to make themselves understood by the girl at the reception.
“So you want the cheapest double room we have, right? The only free one is on the 100th floor, but the elevator is broken.”
The two guys, in order not to spend the night sleeping on a bench, load their luggage and leave for the staircase.
Since one hundred floors, drunk and with heavy bags is a really tough challenge, they decide to tell a joke every five floors.
When they reach the fiftieth floor, one of them starts laughing.
“What happened? Have you remembered a very good joke?” asks the first.
“This joke is just so hilarious! Actually, it’s so good that I’ll save it for later!” answers the second guy.
When they reach the 75th floor, the same guy bursts laughing even harder.
“Are you okay? Are you still thinking about that joke from earlier?” asks worried the first.
“Yeah, but this one is soooooo good, I’ll save it for when we finish,” answers the other guy.
Finally, exhausted and tired, they reach the 100th floor.
Panting, the first boy asks, “So, what is this joke that has tormented you so much?”
Still breathless, the other replies, “Hey, do you remember the girl who was at the reception? Here, we left before she gave us the keys.”
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A couple had been married for 30 years and was celebrating the husband’s 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, “We’ve been so poor all these years, and I’ve never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF!
She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then said, “Well, I’d like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
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