Jokes on Christmas
Enjoy our team's carefully selected Christmas Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a snowman!”
Doctor: “Keep cool.”
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One snowman said to another, “I’d heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...”
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What a morning...
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snowwoman.
8:15 I made a snowwoman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snowwoman’s voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snowwoman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 I am told the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter, “Yeah, if it’s up your...”
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 ISIS just claimed responsibility...
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What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
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Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
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One snowman asks another, “How do you stay in such good shape?”
He answers, “All I do is set the hairdryer on high heat and pounds just melt away.”
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What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow?
The “inedible snowman”.
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Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?
A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.
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What happens when you drop a snowball in water?
It gets wet.
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What do you say to a stressed snowman?
Chill out!
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What do you call a snowman in summer?
A puddle.
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What do snowmen do in summer?
Chillout.
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Why isn’t Santa allowed to shave his beard?
It’s in his Clause.
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Guess what Santa calls his elves?
Subordinate Clauses!
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Santa Clause’s elves went to school, guess what they learned?
The elfabets.
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Yo mama so old, her first Christmas was The First Christmas.
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Yo mama so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
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Did you hear about the snowman who got angry when the sun came out?
He had a total meltdown.
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My sinus infection is really getting into the Christmas Spirit.
It’s all coming out green and red.
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When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?
When it’s a snowman’s nose!
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Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high... he just couldn’t stop as fast.
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Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.
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Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?
“Mensch on a bench”.
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What is green, white, and red all over?
An elf with a sunburn.
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Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log.
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What do you call it when an elf takes a photo of himself?
Nothing! Elves don’t exist!
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An honest lawyer, a happy Santa and a merry elf find 100 $. How do they split it?
50 dollars to Santa, 50 dollars to the elf, because there is no such thing as an honest lawyer!
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One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, “I’m supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time.”
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Kringle,” said the elf in charge of the workshop. “One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I’m afraid we only have four elites tonight.”
“So be it,” said Santa.
It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done, Santa was one hour overdue.
Finally, the sack was full. Santa dragged the heavy sack out of the workshop and to his sleigh. But the sleigh, of course, was very old, and some of the wood was rotting. So when Santa put the sack into the sleigh, it went right through the wood.
He hoisted the sack out of the hole, rushed to the barn, and came back with a hammer, nails, a ruler, a saw, and several planks of fresh wood.
It took two hours for Santa to fix the sleigh. By the time he was done, he was three hours overdue.
Finally, the hole in the sleigh had been patched. Santa went back to the barn to put away the hammer, the ruler, and the saw, and also to fetch his eight tiny reindeer. But when he got there, he found that he had left the door open.
“Oh no!” he said. “Some of the reindeer may have escaped!”
Indeed, when Santa entered the barn, he found that Dasher, Dancer, and Donner had run away. To make matters worse, Comet and Cupid were giving birth to fawns. Only three of the regular reindeer could pull the sleigh that year.
Santa immediately ordered some of his elves to look for the missing reindeer, and others to help Comet and Cupid give birth. Then he hitched Prancer, Vixen, and Blitzen to the sleigh without any problems. Now he needed to find five replacement reindeer. He eventually settled on Basher, Flasher, Smasher, Rudolph (this was before his nose started glowing), and Fred.
But those reindeer had never pulled a sleigh before, and it took two hours for Santa to hitch them. By the time he was done, he was five hours overdue.
Finally, a very stressed Santa Claus sat in his sleigh, ready to begin his flight. Just then, an angel walked by with a Christmas tree she had cut down.
“Good evening, Santa,” said the angel. “Where do you want me to put this?”
And so began the tradition of putting the angel at the top of the tree.
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What do a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.
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Santa saw your Facebook pictures...
You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
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Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a slim body.
Please do not mix it up like last year.
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Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.
The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.
All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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Your mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who's there?”
“Ho, ho.”
“Ho ho, who?”
“You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.”
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Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
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Your mama so short, she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
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Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, “Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?”
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Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
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Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey—he’s always stuffed.
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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn't you get my E-mail?”
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Why does the programmer think the Grinch’s attitude isn’t bad?
He says it’s in beta.
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Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress.
So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, “May I try on that dress in the window, please?”
“Certainly not, madam”, responded the salesgirl, “You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.”
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What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?
Santa walking backwards!
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