Enjoy our team's carefully selected Corny Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Did you hear about the guy that washed his shorts with change in it?
He was arrested for money laundrying.
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If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?
Depends.
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Why do so many people like to do word puzzles in the bathroom?
Because itβs the best place for a vowel movement.
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Recently, Iβve started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.
Itβs a tough job, but I enjoy it.
It really has its prose and cons.
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What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer.
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What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
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Why did the wizardβs wife have hickeys on her neck?
Because he was a neck-romancer.
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You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers.
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Vegan: βPeople who sell meat are gross!β
Non-vegetarian: βPeople who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.β
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When my mother died, all my father said was βcough, fatigue,Β feverβ.
Heβs a man of flu words.
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As an MD, I gave my motherβs sister a flu shot.
Does that make me an auntie-vaxxer?
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A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there, heβs instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, βWhatβs this supposed to do, cure me!β
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While I was drunk last night, I was apparently accused of witchcraft.
The next day, I was hung over.
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What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?
Phil Ming.
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What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
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I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor.Β He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining.
He just couldnβt find a role he could sink his teeth into.
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Why canβt you trust acupuncture specialists?
Theyβll always stab you in the back.
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Why do violists stand for long periods outside peopleβs houses?
They canβt find the key, and they donβt know when to come in.
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Why was the toilet paper in detention?
It was unraveling all the time!
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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
He wanted to get to the bottom.
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I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now Iβm paying for it.
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What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
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A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.
The police still canβt see the full picture.
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What killed the painter?
He had too many strokes.
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What if a buffalo and baboon mated?
Their child would be a real buffoon.
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Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
But they needed to sea mine.
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Terrorists in Baghdad recently blew up a drainage system.
Police there are calling it a sewer-side bombing.
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What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom!
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Whatβs a terroristβs favorite day in November?
Bomb fire night.
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Whatβs the difference between a doctor and an architect?
An architectβs mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.
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Why do Troy State students have such beautiful noses?
Theyβre hand picked.
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Why do ducks fly over Alabama upside down?
Thereβs nothing worth craping on.
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What do you call an aboriginal hanging in a tree?
Abocado.
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What do you say to an aborigine bloke from Australia who worked in I.T.?
βDo you come from a LAN down under?β
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What do you call an aboriginal in a lamp?
An abori-genie.
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What do you call an aboriginal rolling down a hill?
Abolanche.
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What does a one-legged man call karate?
Partial Arts.
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Why do one-legged people like beer?
Because itβs made with hops.
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What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Tai Wan Shu.
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My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.
Sheβs in charge of the hops.
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What do you call always wanting a date for New Yearβs Eve?
Social Security.
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Whatβs the problem with jogging on New Yearβs Eve?
The ice falls out of your drinks!
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An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Yearβs Eve.
One was charged and the other was let off.
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I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, βWindow or aisl?β
I laughed right in her face and replied, βWindow or youβll what?β
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How are peanut butter and jelly related?
Theyβre inbred.
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After the 4th of July fireworks caused finger injuries, what did the friends say?
Nothing, they couldnβt count on me.
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Whatβs the most common disease in HR departments?
Staff infections.
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What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom!
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I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...
Other than jumping to conclusions.
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How does a demon workout?
He exorcises.
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What is the proper way to use a stress ball at work?
To throw it at the last person that upset you. Instant de-stress.
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Why is teamwork important?
It helps to put the blame on someone else!
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Why doesnβt Superman need a boss?
He already has supervision.
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What is the best way to criticize your boss?
Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.
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What do you get if you eat onions on your beans?
Tear gas.
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What do you call a retired old cowboy?
De-ranged.
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How did the cowboy save so much money?
His horse gave him a couple of bucks every day.
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Why did everybody think the cowboy was so funny?
Because he was always horsing around.
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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
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Whatβs the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs donβt turn into men when they drink.
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Why do retirees smile all the time?
Because they canβt hear a word youβre saying!
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Why was the jack-oβ-lantern afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts.
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Why do cemeteries contain the best stories?
Because they have so many plots.
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What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
He got repossessed.
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What should you give a pumpkin who canβt quit smoking?
A pumpkin patch.
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What is the witchβs favorite crime show?
Americaβs Most Haunted.
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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
Because they just had their brains scooped out!
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What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow?
The βinedible snowmanβ.
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Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?
A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.
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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?
Gutted.
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Why donβt pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
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My pharmacist recently lost his arm.
Now I call him my βphacistβ.
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What do you get when you put a chicken, a cow, and a pig together?
A hot dog.
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What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
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What did the constipated hot dog say?
Muuussttuurrrdd!!
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Marriage is an institution of three rings:
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
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What to give a man whoβs got everything?
A woman. Sheβll tell him how everything works.
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Why did Spider-Man flush the toilet?
Because it was his duty!
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Why do football players struggle at bowling?
Because they had a hard time kicking the ball!
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Why is everyone on Mars considered a communist?
Because they live on the red planet.
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Why is it most dangerous to go near Mercury?
Because one might die of mercury poisoning.
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Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?
He was caught taking asteroids.
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What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?
A blood moon!
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What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?
Existential dreads!
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Whatβs the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?
It is possible that UFOs exist.
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What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.
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Whatβs the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?
E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.
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Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.
I hate Bounty Hunters.
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What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
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You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?
Diabetes.
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What do neckbeards put on their pancakes?
Mβlasses.
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Why did the man intentionally get kicked in the face by a horse?
He wanted a horseshoe mustache.
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Where are bearded prisoners sent?
The Gilette-ine.
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I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...
The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.
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Mooning is very ASStrological.
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Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
Itβs constantly mooning people.
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I went to Dunkinβ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...
Iβve been banned for life from that shop.
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
Donuts.
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What do you call a kilogram of donuts?
Property of obesity.
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What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?
Jail-y Donuts.
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My kids are the sunshine of my life.
Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.
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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?
Rename Uranus to Ouranus.
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Elonβs opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...
Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!
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NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...
They found it to be a poophole.
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Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system.
Uranus is between them.
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Why do lemons use sun tan lotion?
Because if they donβt theyβll peel!
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Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
βLetβs have another round, shall we?β
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The moon asked the sun, βBuddy, when you are so hot, why are you single yet?β
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What do you call a sausage whoβs been sunbathing all day?
Done!
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What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?
Basqueing.
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What is another fancy name for a sun fart?
A solar flare.
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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?
An Apocaclipse.
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Bread is like the Sun:
It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
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Are you from Paris?
Because Eiffel for you.
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What do love and fatty foods have in common?
They both go straight for your heart!
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What did the serial killer give his lover for Valentineβs day?
His heart! (Well, not his.)
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What did the butcher say to his girlfriend on their first date?
βNice to meat you.β
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My girlfriend just broke up with me over video games...
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
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Feel my shirt.
Itβs boyfriend material.
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Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
Itβs cool.
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How do you wish an ice cream a happy birthday?
βHope your birthday is gelato fun!β
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Why couldnβt the color blind man sell ice cream?
His cones donβt work.
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You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you canβt pick your friendsβ noses.
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I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?
Ugly.
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One eye told the other, βBetween you and me, something smells.β
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Why are elephantβs noses so big?
So they can scratch their bums!
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How do you tell poisonous mushrooms apart from edible ones?
You give them to someone else to eat first.
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My stomach doesnβt tolerate mushrooms.
They really give me a shii-take.
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What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
The ambulance.
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Where do mushrooms hang out on Saturday night?
The salad bar.
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Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?
He was sick of all its shii-take.
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Why is Donald Trump so good at the racetrack?
Heβs a stable genius.
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You know why barrel racers need to be cremated?
Because if you bury them theyβll bitch about the dirt.
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What sort of racehorses come out after dark?
Night-mares.
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Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?
βMensch on a benchβ.
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What is green, white, and red all over?
An elf with a sunburn.
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What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?
Stop touching my buns!
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How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?
He ate him on Sunday night!
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An honest lawyer, a happy Santa and a merry elf find 100 $. How do they split it?
50 dollars to Santa, 50 dollars to the elf, because there is no such thing as an honest lawyer!
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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
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My kids wonβt eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
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My friend keeps saying, βEvery time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.β
I said, βTry ordering Tacos instead.β
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The worst part about being a giraffe...
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when youβre sinking into quicksand.
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Whatβs green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
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Whatβs brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
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Why donβt orphans play baseball?
They donβt know where home is.
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What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?
Become an umpire.
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If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?
Diabetes.
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Why did the pirate cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
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Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him!
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What do a man whoβs had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.
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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?
Smurf poop.
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Why shouldnβt you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
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Why donβt blondes eat bananas?
They canβt find the zipper.
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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, βGIVE US YER LOOTβ?
They were both blonds.
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I burned 2000 calories today. I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
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What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
Theyβre both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
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Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?
Because school is only 6 hours a day!
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Why did the student eat his homework?
Because he didnβt have a dog.
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Whatβs the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Start off with a big fortune!
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I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
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How do we know the IRS likes poor people?
Because they appear to create so many of them.
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Ever wonder why itβs called a Form 1040?
For every $50 you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.
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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people donβt?
Depreciation.
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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
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Why do brides cry at the wedding?
Because they never marry the best man.
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Why do women like men with beards?
Because they immediately see something that they can change!
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Why donβt men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
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I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.
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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldnβt need it.
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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.
She used to say βYou shall not pass!β
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How do you make a small fortune out of horses?
Start with a large fortune.
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Why did the owner name his racehorse βBad Newsβ?
Because bad news travels fast.
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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes!
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What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?
No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!
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What do you call a man who falls overboard and canβt swim?
Bob.
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What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lilly.
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What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?
Frank.
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What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?
Claude.
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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?
Phil.
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What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?
Eve.
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What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?
Lou.
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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
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What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?
Rob.
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Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?
Between you and I, something smells.
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I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?
Getting a scare-cut!
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Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?
None β they gave up.
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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Why shouldnβt you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!
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Why was the man with the big nose sad?
He could really smell his feet!
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Whatβs the worst thing about having a big nose?
Birds are always perching on it!
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Whatβs worse than having a big nose?
Having a big nose and tiny hands!
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Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
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What did one flea say to the other?
βShall we walk or take the cat?β
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If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?
Fleas.
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Why do aliens not eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
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What is a Jewsβ biggest dilemma?
Free Pork.
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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a shekel!
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Why are synagogues round?
So the Jews canβt hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.
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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!
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How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
The players donβt yell βFore!β they yell β$3.99!β.
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Whatβs a Jews favorite band?
Nickelback.
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In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
When it graduates from medical school.
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Why do Jews have big noses?
Because the air is free.
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How does every racist joke start?
By looking over your shoulder!
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Whatβs the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
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A skunk fell into the river and stank to the bottom.
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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
Thereβs no menuβyou get what you deserve.
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummybear.
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Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and youβd get their attention.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?
If he raises them both, heβd fall down.
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What do you have against some people?
Wellβ¦ for example, knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenadesβ¦
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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
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What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?
Mario Sunburnt!
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βI wanna be the sun of your life!β
βThen stay at 1 000 000 km of me!β
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Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
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Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
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What insect comes from the moon?
A Luna Tick!
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Yo mamaβs so fat when she fell I didnβt laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
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Why donβt mummies have friends?
Because theyβre too wrapped up in themselves.
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Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
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I canβt take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess thatβs what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.
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Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkeyβheβs always stuffed.
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Why does the programmer think the Grinchβs attitude isnβt bad?
He says itβs in beta.
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Why didnβt Noah ever go fishing?
He only had two worms.
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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, βWhoβs first?β
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Why did the cat like eating lemons?
Because he was a sourpuss.
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Why are cats better than babies?
Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
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Why donβt blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?
Because they canβt find the number eleven on their phone.
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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
You tell her a joke on Wednesday.
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Forget about the past, you canβt change it.
Forget about the future, you canβt predict it.
Forget about the present, I didnβt get you one.
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Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?
They always forget to take off the candles.
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Whatβs the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!
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There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who canβt.
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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
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