Corny Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Corny Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Corny Jokes


Did you hear about the guy that washed his shorts with change in it?

He was arrested for money laundrying.

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If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?

Depends.

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Why do so many people like to do word puzzles in the bathroom?

Because it’s the best place for a vowel movement.

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Recently, I’ve started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.

It’s a tough job, but I enjoy it.

It really has its prose and cons.

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What do you call a drunk medieval poet?

Shakesbeer.

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What is a prize old people can win for aging?

Atrophy.

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Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer.

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You know why vampires can raise ghouls?

Because they are neck romancers.

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Vegan: β€œPeople who sell meat are gross!”

Non-vegetarian: β€œPeople who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”

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When my mother died, all my father said was β€œcough, fatigue,Β fever”.

He’s a man of flu words.

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As an MD, I gave my mother’s sister a flu shot.

Does that make me an auntie-vaxxer?

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A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.

The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.

When he gets there, he’s instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.

He chuckles to himself and thinks, β€œWhat’s this supposed to do, cure me!”

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While I was drunk last night, I was apparently accused of witchcraft.

The next day, I was hung over.

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What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?

Phil Ming.

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What do zombie actors do before they perform?

They re-hearse.

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I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor.Β He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining.

He just couldn’t find a role he could sink his teeth into.

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Why can’t you trust acupuncture specialists?

They’ll always stab you in the back.

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Why do violists stand for long periods outside people’s houses?

They can’t find the key, and they don’t know when to come in.

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Why was the toilet paper in detention?

It was unraveling all the time!

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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

He wanted to get to the bottom.

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I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.

And now I’m paying for it.

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What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?

Cool jazz.

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A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.

The police still can’t see the full picture.

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What killed the painter?

He had too many strokes.

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What if a buffalo and baboon mated?

Their child would be a real buffoon.

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Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...

But they needed to sea mine.

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Terrorists in Baghdad recently blew up a drainage system.

Police there are calling it a sewer-side bombing.

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What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?

Cowboom!

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What’s a terrorist’s favorite day in November?

Bomb fire night.

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What’s the difference between a doctor and an architect?

An architect’s mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.

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Why do Troy State students have such beautiful noses?

They’re hand picked.

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Why do ducks fly over Alabama upside down?

There’s nothing worth craping on.

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What do you call an aboriginal hanging in a tree?

Abocado.

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What do you say to an aborigine bloke from Australia who worked in I.T.?

β€œDo you come from a LAN down under?”

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What do you call an aboriginal in a lamp?

An abori-genie.

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What do you call an aboriginal rolling down a hill?

Abolanche.

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What does a one-legged man call karate?

Partial Arts.

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Why do one-legged people like beer?

Because it’s made with hops.

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What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?

Tai Wan Shu.

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My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.

She’s in charge of the hops.

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What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve?

Social Security.

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What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve?

The ice falls out of your drinks!

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An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year’s Eve.

One was charged and the other was let off.

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I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, β€œWindow or aisl?”

I laughed right in her face and replied, β€œWindow or you’ll what?”

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How are peanut butter and jelly related?

They’re inbred.

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After the 4th of July fireworks caused finger injuries, what did the friends say?

Nothing, they couldn’t count on me.

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What’s the most common disease in HR departments?

Staff infections.

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What do you call a cow with three legs?

Tri-tip.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom!

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I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...

Other than jumping to conclusions.

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How does a demon workout?

He exorcises.

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What is the proper way to use a stress ball at work?

To throw it at the last person that upset you. Instant de-stress.

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Why is teamwork important?

It helps to put the blame on someone else!

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Why doesn’t Superman need a boss?

He already has supervision.

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What is the best way to criticize your boss?

Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.

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What do you get if you eat onions on your beans?

Tear gas.

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What do you call a retired old cowboy?

De-ranged.

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How did the cowboy save so much money?

His horse gave him a couple of bucks every day.

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Why did everybody think the cowboy was so funny?

Because he was always horsing around.

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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

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What’s the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

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Why do retirees smile all the time?

Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!

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Why was the jack-o’-lantern afraid to cross the road?

He had no guts.

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Why do cemeteries contain the best stories?

Because they have so many plots.

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What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?

He got repossessed.

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What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?

A pumpkin patch.

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What is the witch’s favorite crime show?

America’s Most Haunted.

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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?

Because they just had their brains scooped out!

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What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow?

The β€œinedible snowman”.

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Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?

A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.

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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?

Gutted.

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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?

Because they have no stomach for fighting.

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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?

Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.

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My pharmacist recently lost his arm.

Now I call him my β€œphacist”.

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What do you get when you put a chicken, a cow, and a pig together?

A hot dog.

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What does a man consider a seven-course meal?

A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

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What did the constipated hot dog say?

Muuussttuurrrdd!!

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Marriage is an institution of three rings:

engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

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What to give a man who’s got everything?

A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.

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Why did Spider-Man flush the toilet?

Because it was his duty!

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Why do football players struggle at bowling?

Because they had a hard time kicking the ball!

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Why is everyone on Mars considered a communist?

Because they live on the red planet.

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Why is it most dangerous to go near Mercury?

Because one might die of mercury poisoning.

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Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?

He was caught taking asteroids.

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What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?

A blood moon!

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What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?

Existential dreads!

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What’s the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?

It is possible that UFOs exist.

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What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

There have been sightings of UFOs.

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What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.

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Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.

I hate Bounty Hunters.

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What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?

A Kitty Kat bar.

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You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?

Diabetes.

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What do neckbeards put on their pancakes?

M’lasses.

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Why did the man intentionally get kicked in the face by a horse?

He wanted a horseshoe mustache.

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Where are bearded prisoners sent?

The Gilette-ine.

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I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

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Mooning is very ASStrological.

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Why is the moon a wanted criminal?

It’s constantly mooning people.

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I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...

I’ve been banned for life from that shop.

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What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

Donuts.

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What do you call a kilogram of donuts?

Property of obesity.

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What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?

Jail-y Donuts.

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My kids are the sunshine of my life.

Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.

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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus.

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Elon’s opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...

Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!

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NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...

They found it to be a poophole.

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Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system.

Uranus is between them.

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Why do lemons use sun tan lotion?

Because if they don’t they’ll peel!

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Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:

β€œLet’s have another round, shall we?”

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The moon asked the sun, β€œBuddy, when you are so hot, why are you single yet?”

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What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?

Done!

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What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?

Basqueing.

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What is another fancy name for a sun fart?

A solar flare.

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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

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Bread is like the Sun:

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

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Are you from Paris?

Because Eiffel for you.

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What do love and fatty foods have in common?

They both go straight for your heart!

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What did the serial killer give his lover for Valentine’s day?

His heart! (Well, not his.)

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What did the butcher say to his girlfriend on their first date?

β€œNice to meat you.”

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My girlfriend just broke up with me over video games...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

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Feel my shirt.

It’s boyfriend material.

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Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?

It’s cool.

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How do you wish an ice cream a happy birthday?

β€œHope your birthday is gelato fun!”

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Why couldn’t the color blind man sell ice cream?

His cones don’t work.

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You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friends’ noses.

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I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?

Ugly.

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One eye told the other, β€œBetween you and me, something smells.”

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Why are elephant’s noses so big?

So they can scratch their bums!

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How do you tell poisonous mushrooms apart from edible ones?

You give them to someone else to eat first.

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My stomach doesn’t tolerate mushrooms.

They really give me a shii-take.

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance.

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Where do mushrooms hang out on Saturday night?

The salad bar.

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Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?

He was sick of all its shii-take.

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Why is Donald Trump so good at the racetrack?

He’s a stable genius.

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You know why barrel racers need to be cremated?

Because if you bury them they’ll bitch about the dirt.

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What sort of racehorses come out after dark?

Night-mares.

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Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?

β€œMensch on a bench”.

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What is green, white, and red all over?

An elf with a sunburn.

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What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?

Stop touching my buns!

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How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?

He ate him on Sunday night!

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An honest lawyer, a happy Santa and a merry elf find 100 $. How do they split it?

50 dollars to Santa, 50 dollars to the elf, because there is no such thing as an honest lawyer!

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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

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My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

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My friend keeps saying, β€œEvery time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, β€œTry ordering Tacos instead.”

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The worst part about being a giraffe...

Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

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What’s green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot.

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What’s brown and very bad for your dental health?

A baseball bat.

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Why don’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

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What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?

Become an umpire.

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If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?

Diabetes.

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Why did the pirate cross the road?

To get to the second-hand shop.

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Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?

Right where ye left him!

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What do a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?

Smurf poop.

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Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

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Why don’t blondes eat bananas?

They can’t find the zipper.

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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, β€œGIVE US YER LOOT”?

They were both blonds.

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I burned 2000 calories today. I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.

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What do your boss and a slinky have in common?

They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

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Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?

Because school is only 6 hours a day!

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Why did the student eat his homework?

Because he didn’t have a dog.

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What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?

Start off with a big fortune!

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I got a job at a paperless office.

Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.

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How do we know the IRS likes poor people?

Because they appear to create so many of them.

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Ever wonder why it’s called a Form 1040?

For every $50 you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.

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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?

Depreciation.

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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?

Lazy.

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Why do brides cry at the wedding?

Because they never marry the best man.

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Why do women like men with beards?

Because they immediately see something that they can change!

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Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?

Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.

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I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.

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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.

Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.

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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.

She used to say β€œYou shall not pass!”

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How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

Start with a large fortune.

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Why did the owner name his racehorse β€œBad News”?

Because bad news travels fast.

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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

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What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?

No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!

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What do you call a man who falls overboard and can’t swim?

Bob.

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What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?

Lilly.

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What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?

Frank.

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What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?

Claude.

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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?

Phil.

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What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?

Eve.

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What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?

Lou.

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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?

Neal.

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What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?

Chuck.

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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?

Rob.

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Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?

Between you and I, something smells.

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I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?

Getting a scare-cut!

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Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?

None – they gave up.

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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

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Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?

Because it might crack up!

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Why was the man with the big nose sad?

He could really smell his feet!

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What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?

Birds are always perching on it!

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What’s worse than having a big nose?

Having a big nose and tiny hands!

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Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?

Make them stub their toe.

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What did one flea say to the other?

β€œShall we walk or take the cat?”

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If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?

Fleas.

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Why do aliens not eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

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What is a Jews’ biggest dilemma?

Free Pork.

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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

Somebody dropped a shekel!

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Why are synagogues round?

So the Jews can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.

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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?

Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

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How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?

The players don’t yell β€œFore!” they yell β€œ$3.99!”.

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What’s a Jews favorite band?

Nickelback.

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In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?

When it graduates from medical school.

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Why do Jews have big noses?

Because the air is free.

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How does every racist joke start?

By looking over your shoulder!

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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

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A skunk fell into the river and stank to the bottom.

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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menuβ€”you get what you deserve.

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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Gummybear.

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Why are hockey players like goldfish?

You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.

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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

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Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?

If he raises them both, he’d fall down.

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What do you have against some people?

Well… for example, knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenades…

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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?

To get another rib.

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What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?

Mario Sunburnt!

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β€œI wanna be the sun of your life!”

β€œThen stay at 1 000 000 km of me!”

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Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

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Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?

He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

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What insect comes from the moon?

A Luna Tick!

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Yo mama’s so fat when she fell I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

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Why don’t mummies have friends?

Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.

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Where should a 500-pound alien go?

On a diet.

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I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.

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Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkeyβ€”he’s always stuffed.

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Why does the programmer think the Grinch’s attitude isn’t bad?

He says it’s in beta.

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Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?

He only had two worms.

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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, β€œWho’s first?”

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Why did the cat like eating lemons?

Because he was a sourpuss.

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Why are cats better than babies?

Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.

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Why don’t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they can’t find the number eleven on their phone.

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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

You tell her a joke on Wednesday.

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Forget about the past, you can’t change it.

Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.

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Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?

They always forget to take off the candles.

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What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

Oops!

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There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake!

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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

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