Corny Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Corny Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Why was the jack-o’-lantern afraid to cross the road?

He had no guts.

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Why do cemeteries contain the best stories?

Because they have so many plots.

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What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?

He got repossessed.

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What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?

A pumpkin Patch.

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What is the witch’s favorite crime show?

America’s Most Haunted.

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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?

Because they just had their brains scooped out!

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What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow?

The “inedible snowman”.

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Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?

A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.

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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?

Gutted.

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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?

Because they have no stomach for fighting.

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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?

Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.

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My pharmacist recently lost his arm.

Now I call him my “phacist”.

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What do you get when you put a chicken, a cow, and a pig together?

A hot dog.

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What does a man consider a seven-course meal?

A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

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What did the constipated hot dog say?

Muuussttuurrrdd!!

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Marriage is an institution of three rings:

engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

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What to give a man who’s got everything?

A woman. She’ll tell him how everything works.

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Why did Spider-Man flush the toilet?

Because it was his duty!

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Why do football players struggle at bowling?

Because they had a hard time kicking the ball!

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Why is everyone on Mars considered a communist?

Because they live on the red planet.

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Why is it most dangerous to go near Mercury?

Because one might die of mercury poisoning.

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Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?

He was caught taking asteroids.

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What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?

A blood moon!

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What haircut does a Rastafarian ask for when he is questioning life?

Existential dreads!

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What’s the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?

It is possible that UFOs exist.

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What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

There have been sightings of UFOs.

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What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?

E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.

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Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.

I hate Bounty Hunters.

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What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?

A Kitty Kat bar.

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You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?

Diabetes.

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What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?

A Tinder surprise.

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What do neckbeards put on their pancakes?

M’lasses.

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Why did the man intentionally get kicked in the face by a horse?

He wanted a horseshoe mustache.

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Where are bearded prisoners sent?

The Gilette-ine.

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I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

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Mooning is very ASStrological.

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Why is the moon a wanted criminal?

It’s constantly mooning people.

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I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...

I’ve been banned for life from that shop.

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What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

Donuts.

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I’ve heard Dunkin’ Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of no nut November.

Their name will be Dunkin’ Nonuts for a month.

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What do you call a kilogram of donuts?

Property of obesity.

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What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?

Jail-y Donuts.

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My kids are the sunshine of my life.

Over-exposition invariably leads to a burn out.

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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus.

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Elon’s opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...

Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!

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NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...

They found it to be a poophole.

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Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system.

Uranus is between them.

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Why do lemons use sun tan lotion?

Because if they don’t they’ll peel!

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Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:

“Let’s have another round, shall we?”

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The moon asked the sun, “Buddy, when you are so hot, why are you single yet?”

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What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?

Done!

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What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?

Basqueing.

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What is another fancy name for a sun fart?

A solar flare.

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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

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Bread is like the Sun:

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

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Are you from Paris?

Because Eiffel for you.

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What do love and fatty foods have in common?

They both go straight for your heart!

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What did the serial killer give his lover for Valentine’s day?

His heart! (Well, not his.)

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What did the butcher say to his girlfriend on their first date?

“Nice to meat you.”

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My boyfriend just broke up with me over video games...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

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Feel my shirt.

It’s boyfriend material.

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Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?

It’s cool.

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How do you wish an ice cream a happy birthday?

“Hope your birthday is gelato fun!”

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Why couldn’t the color blind man sell ice cream?

His cones don’t work.

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You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick you’re friends noses.

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I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?

Ugly.

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One eye told the other, “Between you and me, something smells.”

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Why are elephant’s noses so big?

So they can scratch their bums!

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How do you tell poisonous mushrooms apart from the edible ones?

You give them to someone else to eat first.

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My stomach doesn’t tolerate mushrooms.

They really give me a shii-take.

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance.

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Where do mushrooms hang out on Saturday night?

The salad bar.

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Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?

He was sick of all its shii-take.

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Why is Donald Trump so good at the racetrack?

He’s a stable genius.

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You know why barrel racers need to be cremated?

Because if you bury them they’ll bitch about the dirt.

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What sort of racehorses come out after dark?

Night-mares.

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Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?

“Mensch on a bench”.

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What is green, white, and red all over?

An elf with a sunburn.

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What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?

Stop touching my buns!

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How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?

He ate him on Sunday night!

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An honest lawyer, a happy santa and a merry elf find 100 $ how do they split it!

50 dollars to santa, 50 dollars to the elf, because there is no such thing as an honest lawyer!

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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

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My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

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My friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead.”

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The worst part about being a giraffe...

Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

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What’s green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot.

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What’s brown and very bad for your dental health?

A baseball bat.

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Why don’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

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What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?

Become an umpire.

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If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?

Diabetes.

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Why did the pirate cross the road?

To get to the second-hand shop.

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Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?

Right where ye left him!

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What do a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?

Smurf poop.

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Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

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Why don’t blondes eat bananas?

They can’t find the zipper.

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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, “GIVE US YER LOOT”?

They were both blonds.

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I burned 2000 calories today. I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.

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What do your boss and a slinky have in common?

They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

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Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?

Because school is only 6 hours a day!

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Why did the student eat his homework?

Because he didn’t have a dog.

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What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?

Start off with a big fortune!

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I got a job at a paperless office.

Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.

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How do we know the IRS likes poor people?

Because they appear to create so many of them.

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Ever wonder why it’s called a Form 1040?

For every $50 you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.

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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?

Depreciation.

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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?

Lazy.

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Why do brides cry at the wedding?

Because they never marry the best man.

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Why do women like men with beards?

Because they immediately see something that they can change!

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Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?

Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.

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I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.

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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.

Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.

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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.

She used to say “You shall not pass!”

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How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

Start with a large fortune.

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Why did the owner name his racehorse “Bad News”?

Because bad news travels fast.

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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

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What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?

No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!

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What do you call a guy who falls overboard and can’t swim?

Bob.

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What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?

Lilly.

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What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?

Frank.

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What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?

Claude.

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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?

Phil.

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What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?

Eve.

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What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?

Lou.

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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?

Neal.

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What do you call a guy who keeps vomiting?

Chuck.

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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?

Rob.

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Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?

Between you and I, something smells.

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I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?

Getting a scare-cut!

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Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?

None – they gave up.

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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

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Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?

Because it might crack up!

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Why was the man with the big nose sad?

He could really smell his feet!

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What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?

Birds are always perching on it!

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What’s worse than having a big nose?

Having a big nose and tiny hands!

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Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?

Make them stub their toe.

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What did one flea say to the other?

“Shall we walk or take the cat?”

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If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?

Fleas.

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Why do aliens not eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

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What is a Jews biggest dilemma?

Free Pork.

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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

Somebody dropped a shekel!

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Why are synagogues round?

So the Jew’s can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes round.

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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?

Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

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How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?

The players don’t yell “Fore!” they yell “$3.99!”.

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What’s a Jews favorite band?

Nickelback.

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In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?

When it graduates from medical school.

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Why do Jews have big noses?

Because the air is free.

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How does every racist joke start?

By looking over your shoulder!

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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

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A skunk fell in the river and stank to the bottom.

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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Gummybear.

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Why are hockey players like goldfish?

You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.

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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

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Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?

If he raises them both, he’d fall down.

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What do you have against some people?

Well… for example: knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenades…

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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?

To get another rib.

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What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?

Mario Sunburnt!

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“I wanna be the sun of your life!”

“Then stay at 1 000 000 km of me!”

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Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

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Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?

He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

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What insect comes from the moon?

A Luna Tick!

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Yo mama’s so fat, when she fell I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

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Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?

He didn’t have the stomach for it!

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Why don’t mummies have friends?

Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.

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Where should a 500 pound alien go?

On a diet.

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I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.

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Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkey—he’s always stuffed.

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Why does the programmer think the Grinch’s attitude isn’t bad?

He says it’s in beta.

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Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?

He only had two worms.

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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, “Who’s first?”

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Why did the cat like eating lemons?

Because he was a sourpuss.

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Why are cats better than babies?

Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.

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Why don’t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they can’t find the number eleven on their phone.

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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

You tell her a joke on Wednesday.

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Forget about the past, you can’t change it.

Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.

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Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?

They always forget to take off the candles.

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What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

Oops!

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There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake!

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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

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