Teacher and Student Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Teacher-Student Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Teacher-Student Jokes


Chuck Norris assigns his teachers homework.

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A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.

The following week, she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, โ€œHe was born in a manger.โ€ Bobby said, โ€œHe threw the money changers out of the temple.โ€

Little Johnny said, โ€œHe has a red pickup truck but he doesnโ€™t know how to drive it.โ€

Curious, the teacher asked, โ€œAnd where did you learn that, Johnny?โ€

โ€œFrom my daddy,โ€ said Johnny. โ€œYesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and daddy yelled at him, โ€˜Jesus Christ! Why donโ€™t you learn how to drive?!โ€™โ€

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In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test and said, โ€œJohnny, I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.โ€

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.

โ€œWell,โ€ said Mr. Johnson, โ€œI was looking over your test and the question was, โ€˜Who was our first president?โ€™, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put โ€˜George Washingtonโ€™, and so did you.โ€

โ€œSo, everyone knows that he was the first president,โ€ said Little Johnny with his eyes wide open.

โ€œJust wait a minute,โ€ said Mr. Johnson. โ€œThe next question was, โ€˜Who freed the slaves?โ€™. Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.โ€

โ€œWell, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,โ€ said Johnny.

โ€œWait, wait,โ€ said Mr. Johnson. โ€œThe next question was, โ€˜Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?โ€™. Mary put โ€˜I donโ€™t knowโ€™, and you put, โ€˜Me neitherโ€™.โ€

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It was a regular day in first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living.

Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didnโ€™t really understand their parentsโ€™ jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all.

When they got to Little Johnny, he stood up and said, โ€œMy dad cuts people in half.โ€

โ€œOh, really?โ€ asked the teacher with a smile, โ€œYou mean heโ€™s a magician?โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t know,โ€ said Johnny.

โ€œA surgeon, maybe?โ€ asked the teacher.

โ€œI donโ€™t know,โ€ repeated Johnny.

โ€œThen why do you think he cuts people in half?โ€ asked the confused teacher.

โ€œBecause I have two half brothers and three half sisters.โ€

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Teacher: โ€œWhat are the seasons?โ€

Student: โ€œSalt, pepper, ginger...โ€

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Little Johnnyโ€™s chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

โ€œNow, class. Observe what happens to the two worms,โ€ said the professor, putting the first worm in the glass of water.

The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It writhed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.

โ€œNow kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?โ€ he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, โ€œDrink whiskey and you wonโ€™t get worms!โ€

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A Sunday school teacher decided to quiz her students about what they learned that year.

Sunday school teacher: โ€œOkay class... who can tell me what are some different names used when talking about God?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œHallowed!โ€

Sunday school teacher: โ€œHallowed? How did you get that as an answer?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œItโ€™s in the Lordโ€™s Prayer: Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name...โ€

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A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 14-year-olds.

On her first day, she comes to watch the kids playing soccer. She watches as they all get together and start playing.

However, she quickly notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

โ€œAre you OK?โ€ she says kindly.

โ€œYes,โ€ he says.

โ€œYou can go and play with the other kids, you know,โ€ she says encouragingly.

โ€œItโ€™s best I stay here,โ€ he says.

โ€œWhyโ€™s that, sweetie?โ€ asks the compassionate teacher.

The boy gives her a weird look and says, โ€œBecause Iโ€™m the goalie.โ€

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The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.

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What did the apple teacher say to her student?

โ€œHelp me orange the chairs please!โ€

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The student asked the teacher, โ€œCashew a question?โ€

And the teacher replied, โ€œNut nowโ€.

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Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?

They have greater potential.

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The physics student asks to go to the bathroom. Professor asks, โ€œLiquid, Solid or Gas?โ€

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A physics student asks his teacher, โ€œCan you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?โ€

The teacher answers, โ€œLet me see if I can pull some strings for you.โ€

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A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes, โ€œA wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?โ€

After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.

With complete sincerity in his voice, he answered, โ€œA lawyer!โ€

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The crosseyed history teacher could not control her pupils.

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The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad.

It was tearable.

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In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it.

A student handed in his work with โ€œThe Magna Carta was signed in 1215โ€ written 150 times.

The teacher asked the boy, โ€œWhy did you write this?โ€

The boy replied, โ€œBecause you always say that history repeats itself!โ€

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When the history teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said:

โ€œNeed Tudoring?โ€

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When the teacher got frustrated because the students werenโ€™t paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, โ€œDonโ€™t you understand the gravity of this situation!โ€

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When the student asked the history teacher what questions would be there for the history exam, she answered โ€œThe pastโ€.

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The teacher asks Little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

โ€œYes,โ€ he says, โ€œmy daddy taught me.โ€

โ€œCan you tell me what comes after three?โ€

โ€œFour,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

โ€œWhat comes after six?โ€

โ€œSeven,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

โ€œVery good,โ€ says the teacher. โ€œYour father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?โ€

โ€œA jack,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

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Two college students accidentally miss the math final exam.

The next day, they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam.

When they both showed up, he told one of them to wait outside while he tested the other. So one enters and the other puts his ear to the door to listen.

The professor begins asking the question, โ€œYou are riding in a train car and you get too hot. What do you do?โ€

The student replies, โ€œI open the window.โ€

โ€œOK. Now that window is 2 feet wide and 3 feet high. The train is traveling 50 mph going north and the wind is blowing at 15 mph due east. How long will it take for new air to replace the old air in the car?โ€

The student is clearly confused by this difficult question and just answers, โ€œI donโ€™t know.โ€

So the professor gives him an F, dismisses him, and calls in his friend.

He begins asking his friend, โ€œYou are riding in a train car and it gets too hot. What do you do?โ€

He says, โ€œI will take my jacket off.โ€ โ€œOK. But itโ€™s still too hot. What do you do?โ€

โ€œI take my shirt off.โ€

โ€œI understand but itโ€™s very, very hot.โ€

โ€œI will just get naked.โ€

โ€œOK. But there are people in the car who will see you get naked.โ€

โ€œWith all respect, professor,โ€ said the student, โ€œI donโ€™t care if my grandmother and my priest are there, thereโ€™s no way Iโ€™m opening that darn window!โ€

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โ€œThe word of the day is โ€˜contagiousโ€™,โ€ said the teacher. โ€œWho can use it in a sentence?โ€

Little Jenny stood up and said, โ€œMy dad has a cold and said itโ€™s contagious.โ€

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said, โ€œMiss, my mum has the flu, and I think itโ€™s contagious.โ€

Happy with Billyโ€™s response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.

Little Johnny stood up, โ€œMiss, my next door neighbor is painting his house with a 1-inch brush and my dad said itโ€™s going to take the contagious.โ€

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My teacher told me I couldnโ€™t make a joke about Uranus in class.

But hey, itโ€™s my orbit!

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Teacher: โ€œWhy didnโ€™t you come to school on the first day?โ€

Dave: โ€œMy father is still in the hospital.โ€

One week later.

Teacher: โ€œIs your father still in the hospital, Dave?โ€

Dave: โ€œHe is, indeed, a doctor.โ€

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On the occasion of Teachersโ€™ Day, the teacher was having a casual chat with his students.

Teacher: โ€œNeil, what do you want to be when you grow up?โ€

Neil: โ€œSir, I want to be just like you.โ€

Teacher, impressed: โ€œAnd why is that?โ€

Neil: โ€œBecause even I love doing nothing.โ€

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Teacher: โ€œClass! We will have only half a day of school this morning due to Teachersโ€™ Day.โ€

Class: โ€œHooorraaaayyy!โ€

Teacher: โ€œWe will have the other half, this afternoon.โ€

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I got caught cheating on my physics exam.

Furious, my professor said to me, โ€œI hope you understand the gravity of the situation!โ€

But if I had known that, I wouldnโ€™t be in this situation in the first place.

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I burst into tears right before my physics exam.

The professor asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s the matter?โ€

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Teacher: โ€œIn the exam, you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question.โ€

Pupil: โ€œHow long for the answers, sir?โ€

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Teacher: โ€œI hope I didnโ€™t see you looking at Timโ€™s exam paper.โ€

Pupil: โ€œI hope you didnโ€™t see me either!โ€

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A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasnโ€™t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

There was dead silence... The rest of the year went quite smoothly.

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A teacher lecturing on population said, โ€œIn the world, after every 10 seconds, a woman gives birth to a kid.โ€

Akpos stood up and said, โ€œWe must find and stop her!โ€

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Teacher: โ€œClass, choose between money and brain.โ€

Akpos: โ€œIโ€™d go for the money!โ€

Teacher: โ€œIโ€™d go for brain!โ€

Akpos: โ€œWell, everybody goes for what he doesnโ€™t have.โ€

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Teacher: โ€œIf your father has $10, and you

asked for $5, how much will your father

have?โ€

Akpos: โ€œ$10.โ€

Teacher: โ€œYou donโ€™t know maths.โ€

Akpos: โ€œYou donโ€™t know my father!โ€

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Teacher: โ€œPepito, what can you tell me about the death of Christopher Columbus?โ€

Pepito: โ€œThat I am awfully sorry, sir!โ€

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A schoolteacher in Havana asked her class, โ€œIf the sea between Cuba and Miami were to dry up, how long would it take to walk across?โ€

When she got no response, she asked Pepito to give an answer.

After a moment of thought, he said, โ€œForty days.โ€

The teacher was naturally surprised.

โ€œPepito,โ€ she said, โ€œthe distance from Havana to Miami is only about ninety miles. Maybe I didnโ€™t make the question clear. Pretend that itโ€™s all smooth and level ground. Now, how long would it take?โ€

Pepito insisted however on his answer of forty days.

โ€œBut why?โ€ asked the teacher.

โ€œWell, because you would constantly have to say โ€˜Excuse meโ€™, โ€˜Pardon me pleaseโ€™, โ€˜Excuse me, sirโ€™, โ€˜Pardon me, Missโ€™, โ€˜Excuse meโ€™...โ€

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Pepito asks his teacher, โ€œTeacher, would you punish me for something I didnโ€™t do?โ€

The teacher tells him, โ€œNo, Pepito, of course not.โ€

Pepito responds, โ€œThatโ€™s good because I didnโ€™t do my homework.โ€

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Student: โ€œCan I go to the bathroom?โ€

Teacher: โ€œItโ€™s may.โ€

Student: โ€œNo, itโ€™s January.โ€

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Teaching an English lesson, the teacher wrote on the board, fully aware of the grammar errors: I ainโ€™t had no fun in months.

โ€œNow, how should I correct this sentence?โ€ asks the teacher.

โ€œGet a new boyfriend,โ€ said Little Johnny.

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I donโ€™t mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts...

Thatโ€™s where I draw the line.

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Teacher: โ€œLittle Johnny, give me a sentence using the word โ€˜geometryโ€™.โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œA little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, โ€˜Gee, Iโ€™m a tree!โ€™.โ€

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โ€œItโ€™s clear,โ€ said the teacher, โ€œthat you havenโ€™t studied your geography. Whatโ€™s your excuse?โ€

โ€œWell, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down.โ€

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Student: โ€œTeacher, is it true that if you get married on Friday the 13th, you will be unhappy?โ€œ

Teacher: โ€œOf course. Why should that day be an exception?โ€

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Fatherโ€™s Day at school, and all the students are supposed to make cards by drawing a picture of their father at work.

Teacher asks, โ€œLogan, what does your father do?โ€

โ€œMy dad is a cop. Iโ€™m gonna draw him catching a bad guy.โ€

Then the teacher asks, โ€œBriei, what does your father do?โ€

Briei says, โ€œMy dad is a writer. Iโ€™m going to draw him with his new book.โ€

Teacher gets to Jake, โ€œAnd what does your father do, Jake?โ€

Jake says, โ€œMy dad is dead.โ€

โ€œOh my,โ€ teacher says. โ€œWhat did your father do before he died?โ€

Jake: โ€œHe turned blue and pooped on the floor.โ€

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The English teacher in India.

Teacher: โ€œTell me a sentence that starts with an โ€˜Iโ€™.โ€

Student: โ€œI is the...โ€

Teacher: โ€œStop! Never put โ€˜isโ€™ after an โ€˜Iโ€™. Always put โ€˜amโ€™ after an โ€˜Iโ€™.โ€

Student: โ€œOK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.โ€

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My English teacher asked if I could explain brevity better.

โ€œShort answer โ€“ no. Long answer โ€“ yes.โ€

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A student holds a gun to his English teacher, "Give me all your money or youโ€™re geography!โ€

English teacher: โ€œYou mean history.โ€

Student: โ€œDonโ€™t change the subject!โ€

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English teacher: โ€œGive me the opposite of this sentence: Children in the dark make mistakes.โ€

Student: โ€œMistakes in the dark make children.โ€

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A teacher told her first grade class, โ€œA single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!โ€

A little girl gasped, โ€œHow about the married ones?โ€

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A little boy had a crush on his teacher, but she was dating a doctor.

So the boy brought his teacher an apple everyday.

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Student: โ€œIโ€™ve been writing my exam for 2 hours but havenโ€™t answered a single question!!!โ€

Politics Teacher: โ€œWell done, thatโ€™s an A.โ€

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Kung Fu student asks his teacher, โ€œMaster, why does my ability not improve? Iโ€™m always defeated.โ€

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, โ€œMy dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?โ€

โ€œYes, my master, I have.โ€

โ€œAnd a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?โ€

โ€œYes, my master, I have witnessed it.โ€

And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?โ€

โ€œYes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon.โ€

โ€œThat is the problem. You keep watching all this poop instead of training!โ€

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Sunday school teacher: โ€œTell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?โ€

Johnny: โ€œNo, maโ€™am, I donโ€™t have to. My momโ€™s a good cook.โ€

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The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasnโ€™t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, โ€œJohnny, what are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?โ€

Little Johnny quickly replied, โ€œNBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!โ€

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A first-grade teacher canโ€™t believe her student isnโ€™t hepped up about the Super Bowl.

โ€œItโ€™s a huge event. Why arenโ€™t you excited?โ€

โ€œBecause Iโ€™m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,โ€ says the student.

โ€œWell, thatโ€™s a lousy reason,โ€ says the teacher. โ€œWhat if your parents were morons? What would you be then?โ€

โ€œThen Iโ€™d be a football fan.โ€

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I am pretty sure that my algebra teacher is secretly a pirate.

He constantly is trying to find X.

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When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?

Because there are no pupils to see!

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I said to my teacher, โ€œI donโ€™t think I deserved a zero for this exam.โ€

She said, โ€œI agree, but I couldnโ€™t give you any less.โ€

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Math teacher: โ€œJames, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?โ€

James: โ€œA Headache maโ€™am.โ€

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I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.

He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.

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Math teacher: โ€œIf I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?โ€

Student: โ€œA drinking problem.โ€

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On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, โ€œWhat are your parentsโ€™ names?โ€

The student replied, โ€œMy fatherโ€™s name is Laughing and my motherโ€™s name is Smiling.โ€

The teacher said, โ€œAre you kidding?โ€

The student said, โ€œNo, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.โ€

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Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, โ€œAnd why is it necessary to be quiet in church?โ€

Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, โ€œBecause people are sleeping!โ€

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Teacher: โ€œNow class, if you are dumb, please stand up.โ€

No one stands up.

Teacher: โ€œOh cโ€™mon. I know someone over here is dumb.โ€ Waves her finger around the left side of the room.

Little Johnny stands up.

Teacher: โ€œOh, Johnny, you think youโ€™re dumb?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œNo, I just feel bad youโ€™re standing alone.โ€

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Little Johnnyโ€™s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees Little Johnny pulling faces at another child.

She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, โ€œJohnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.โ€

Little Johnny looks up to her and says, โ€œWell miss, you canโ€™t say that you werenโ€™t warned.โ€

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Teacher: โ€œHow far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œAbout 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.โ€

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A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.

Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

โ€œWellโ€, said the teacher, โ€œthe first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.โ€

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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.

She asks him: โ€œLittle Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?โ€

He: โ€œLike the moon.โ€

The teacher: โ€œThatโ€™s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peacefulโ€.

Little Johnny: โ€œNo, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.โ€

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Teacher: โ€œWhich book has helped you the most in your life?โ€

Student: โ€œMy fatherโ€™s checkbook.โ€

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Student: โ€œ503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?โ€

Teacher: โ€œ502.โ€

Student: โ€œHow do you put an elephant in a fridge?โ€

Teacher: โ€œNo you canโ€™t fit an elephant in a fridge!โ€

Student: โ€œJust open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œHow do you put a giraffe in the fridge?โ€

Teacher: โ€œOpen the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œNo! Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œThe Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?โ€

Teacher: โ€œThe lion?โ€

Student: โ€œNo! The giraffe because heโ€™s in a fridge.โ€

Student: โ€œSally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?โ€

Teacher: โ€œSally stepped on the alligator's mouth?โ€

Student: โ€œThe gators are at the party.โ€

Student: โ€œBut Sally dies anyway. Why?โ€

Teacher: โ€œShe drowned?!โ€

Student: โ€œNo! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.โ€

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