Halloween Jokes: Funny and Hilarious!
Enjoy our team's carefully selected Halloween Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Top 10 Halloween Jokes
Two monsters went to a party.
Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
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Patient: “Doctor, I think that I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”
Doctor: “Drink this glass of water.”
Patient: “Will it make me better?”
Doctor: “No, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”
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Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So he organized a little competition. The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.
The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood. Dracula was impressed.
He asked, “Nice, how did you do it?”
The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went inside and drank the blood of all the family.”
Dracula said, “Very good.”
The second bat went and came back after 5 minutes. He too had blood on all his face.
Dracula was shocked, “How did you do that?”
The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a hotel. I went inside and drank the blood of all the guests.”
Dracula said, “Fantastic.”
Now the third bat went and came back just after 1 minute. There was blood on all his body.
Dracula couldn’t believe his eyes, “How did you do that?”
The bat said, “Do you see that tower?”
Dracula said, “Yes.”
And the bat said, “I didn’t see it.”
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Why didn’t the skeleton go see the scary movie?
He didn’t have the guts.
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I stopped by grandmother’s house and I’m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.
She’s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess I’ll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.
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I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasn’t home.
Forget the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!
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My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.
I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.
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Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”
She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
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Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
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Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
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Halloween Jokes for Adults
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as “Rocky” in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
“Aren’t you the same “Rocky” who left my doorstep a few minutes ago?” I asked.
“Yes,” he replied, “but now I’m the sequel. I’ll be back three more times tonight too.”
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A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil!” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister.”
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Doctor: “Who’s my next patient?”
Nurse: “Mr. Ghost.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see right now.”
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What did the vampire say to his hungry friend?
Don’t B-negative. Look for more positive.
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I visited a real graveyard yesterday...
I logged back into Myspace.
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What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?
A pumpkin Patch.
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What is a vampire’s worst fear?
Tooth decay.
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. It’s good for business.
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I met a ghost at the supermarket, guess what she was buying?
A scare spray.
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Yo mama so ugly the government decided to move Halloween to her birthday.
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When do vampires like horse racing?
When it’s neck and neck.
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I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
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Bad Dad Jokes for Halloween
Why hasn’t anyone ever seen ghost poop?
Because it’s invisible.
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Why is the woman afraid of the vampire?
Because he is all bite and no bark.
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What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
They gave him the cold shoulder.
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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
Because they just had their brains scooped out!
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Why didn’t the zombie go to school?
He felt rotten!
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Why don’t people like Dracula?
He’s a pain in the neck.
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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?
Gutted.
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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
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What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?
A blood moon!
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When you’re a mouse.
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Halloween Puns One-Liners
Do you want to invest in my startup company to destroy all vampires?
I’m the main stakeholder.
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The skeleton didn’t mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
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I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest as a hot dog.
I’m on a roll.
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I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year.
They chose a hot dog... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
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This Halloween, Gucci sold out all of their $500 scented candles.
Some people seem to have so many dollars but not enough scents.
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Punny Halloween Jokes and Answers
Why don’t ghosts like rain on Halloween?
It dampens their spirits!
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
Hope it’s Halloween...
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How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?
If it’s a good one you will be able to talk about it later!
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What do you call a desert-dwelling witch?
A sand-witch.
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What do ghosts use to do their makeup?
Vanishing cream.
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What did people say when the headless horseman started dating a zombie?
He’s lost his head!
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Why was the jack-o’-lantern afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts.
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What do you call a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.
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Why are spirits so lonely?
They have no body to love.
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Why do cemeteries contain the best stories?
Because they have so many plots.
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How do you get inside a locked cemetery at night?
Simple, use a skeleton key to unlock the gates.
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What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
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How do you make a skeleton laugh?
Tickle their funny bones.
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What’s the problem with twin witches?
You never know which witch is which.
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When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims?
On Fry Day.
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Why can’t two ghosts make out?
They go right through each other.
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What do you call six witches in a Jacuzzi?
A self-cleaning coven.
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What’s the name of the Democratic skeleton from Brooklyn, New York who’s running for president?
Bony Sanders.
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What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
He got repossessed.
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What happens if you combine a vampire and a snowman?
You get frostbite.
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What is the witch’s favorite crime show?
America’s Most Haunted.
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Where does a ghost go on vacation?
Mali-boo.
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Why do ghosts make the best cheerleaders?
Because they have spirit.
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What did one ghost say to the other?
Get a life!
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What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day?
Lazy bones.
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Why did the skeleton run away?
Because a dog was after his bones.
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What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
Do you believe in people?
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How do pumpkins get up to the roof?
They use a jack-o-ladder.
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What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?
“Are you feeling ill?”
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Why did the hot dog dress up?
It felt a little halloweenie.
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What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it?
A hollow-weenie!
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Why don’t mummies ever take a summer vacation?
They’re afraid to unwind.
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Guess who Dracula brings with him to movie premieres?
His ghoul-friend!
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My twin brothers dressed up as a bird this Halloween, guess what they said?
Trick or tweet.
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I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?
Getting a scare-cut!
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What do you call a witch’s garage?
A broom closet.
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Why are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them!
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Why don’t mummies have friends?
Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
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Halloween Jokes for Kids
What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?
Spook-hetti!
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
Mummies.
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What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
I-Scream!
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What does a panda ghost eat?
Bam-BOO!
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What is in a ghost’s nose?
Boo-gers.
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Why did the werewolf go to the dressing room when he saw the full moon?
He needed to change.
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Why don’t werewolves ever know the time?
Because they’re not whenwolves.
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How do you repair a broken jack o’ lantern?
Use a pumpkin patch.
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What is a monster’s favorite part of a birthday celebration?
I scream.
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Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it!
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Long Funny Jokes for Halloween
A woman was leaving a Cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked him to death.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line!”
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
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Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.
One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.
After supper she went out and put up a sign: “Beware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”
A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.
Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!!”
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Batman goes to a party. To his surprise, he sees that the Joker is there too.
“He must be up to something,” he thinks. And so he sneaks up behind him, knocks him out, and puts him in a back room.
When walks out, he sees the Joker again.
“How did he recover so quickly?” Once again he knocks him out and puts him in the back room.
Coming out a third time, he sees the Joker yet again.
“How can this be?!” Now furious, Batman confronts him, grabs him by his vest, and shouts, “What are you doing here, Joker?!”
And he replies, “I’m enjoying this Halloween party, dude!”
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