I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.
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I hated my haircut at first...
But now it’s starting to grow on me.
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I’ll just say “morning” because a good morning would be much later on a Saturday.
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What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
“Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.”
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When a peanut butter hears a sweet song it exclaims:
“That’s my jam!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Gladys.”
“Gladys, who?”
“Gladys Christmas. You too?”
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“The word of the day is ‘contagious’,” said the teacher. “Who can use it in a sentence?”
Little Jenny stood up and said, “My dad has a cold and said it’s contagious.”
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said, “Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think it’s contagious.”
Happy with Billy’s response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up, “Miss, my next door neighbor is painting his house with a 1-inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.”
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Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.
The landlady said to me, “We charge twenty pounds a night—bed and breakfast—or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.”
“Oh, all right,” I said, “I’ll make the bed.”
And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.
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Yo mama’s so fat that even stormtroopers can’t miss her.
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What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?
Automobile.
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I saw a blue crab today.
It was quite a claw-some sight.
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Yo mama so ugly when she was born, the nurse said, “I think it is a child...”
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The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
“Ma’am,” said the employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.”
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, “So that’s why no one was in church today...”
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What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Yammies.
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I always seem to say the wrong thing. For example yesterday I complimented my best friend’s mustache.
Now she’s not talking to me.
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A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.
He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”
“That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man.
“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”
“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Wire.”
“Wire, who?”
“Wire you still not in my phone’s contacts list?”
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What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
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Why did the computer go to a cyber café?
Because it needed a byte to eat.
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What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
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