Vegan: “People who sell meat are gross!”
Non-vegetarian: “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
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Why are cop donut shop jokes always so funny?
They never get mold.
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July 1st is International Reggae Day.
This is the day I dread.
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Yo mama’s appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.
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I’m chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I’m outside in the beautiful sunshine.
I guess I must be solar-powered?
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A woman is flirting with a man at a bar.
She says, “Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?”
The man replies, “I work for KGB.”
“Cool, tell me an interesting story!”
“About me or about you?”
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What did the dragon say to the bad employee?
You’re fired.
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I’m sure you could donate blood to me because you’re just my type!
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Your mama so old her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!
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Ironforge, AP:
The worst accident in Warcraft aviation history occurred early this morning when a flying machine, piloted by an unidentified gnomish aviator, crashed into the graveyard near Thelsamar.
As of reporting time, over 300 bodies have been recovered from the crash site, and we are still digging.
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Yesterday I complimented my dad that he smells good.
He just replied, “That’s because I use both my nostrils.”
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I was making my daughter a sandwich and asked her what kind she wanted.
“We can do peanut butter with either peach preserves or honey,” I told her.
She: “Honey, please!”
“That’s fine,” I thought. “The peach preserves are my jam anyway.”
Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly...
There was a jam.
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What US state is round on the sides but tall in the center?
Ohio.
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I guess I must be a nine out of ten...
Cause you’re the one I need!
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What do you call a baby with a drum?
A baby boomer.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No ideer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no ideer.
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Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they’ll change it back.
It’s only a phase, after all.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone.
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What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
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So I was driving on the free way today when I got cut off by an ambulance. All of a sudden, one of the back doors swung open, and a cooler popped out and rolled out to the shoulder.
I stopped and picked it up. I opened it and found what looked to be a severed toe. I immediately called 911.
The operator said, “911, what’s your emergency?”
I said, “Yes, I was driving behind an ambulance and a cooler with a severed toe fell out! If you can please inform me what hospital it’s going to, I can deliver it right now!”
The operator replied, “I’m sorry sir, but you can’t transport that. You need a specially certified vehicle to do so.”
I asked, “What kind of vehicle would that be?”
The operator said, “A toe-truck!”
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