What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and a NASCAR driver?
Tiger Woods plays golf for a living, but enjoys smashing up his car on his days off.
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What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
Great big holes all over Australia.
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A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
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Where do kids get ice cream cakes on their birthdays?
At sundae school.
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Why did the blue marker shy away from the red marker?
It was a little shy-nero.
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Love is a lot like peeing your pants.
Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl aboard.”
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What did one flea say to the other?
“Shall we walk or take the cat?”
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He’s a blue-chip investment for any company.
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I entered a Roblox building competition.
But got disqualified because my design was a copy-pastemasterpiece.
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What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
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What kind of key is edible?
A turkey on Thanksgiving.
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A thief got caught stealing pizza. Guess what the police told him?
His marinara rights.
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Why did the dyslexic couple learn karate?
They tried to get some marital counselling but ended up with martial training.
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What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
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What did you tell the shopkeeper at the grocery store?
Donut mind me, I am here for the hole food.
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A car salesman asked me, “What are you looking for in a car?”
I said, “It has to be affordable.”
He said, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve never heard of a Ford Ibble.”
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Why did the smiley face have hair over its face?
It’s an emo-ji.
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A magician gets himself a parrot for his act.
After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows, saying things like “it’s under his hat”, “it’s up his sleeve”, “his assistant has it”.
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks.
The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end.
The parrot and the magician spend two days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, “Alright, I give up. Where’s the boat?”
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What dog can’t bark?
A hot dog.
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