I am sweating like a snowman in the desert.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the half of a mermaid that washed up on shore?
It’s only a tale.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s ears are so big she can hear what I’m thinking.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what kind of hike I went on today?
I hiked my pants.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side.
One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together, she asked me if she should change anything in her life.
I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better.
At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.
After the first day, I didn’t see anything. To be expected, of course, these things take time.
Three days later, nothing.
A week later, nothing.
Two weeks later, and I finally started to see something.
Thank god for that, I thought she knocked the light out of my eyes for good.
😄 😄 😄
Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
😄 😄 😄
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
😄 😄 😄
How many non-vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer to stay in the dark.
😄 😄 😄
Where does Spider-Man poop?
Web-ever he wants.
😄 😄 😄
A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there, he’s instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, “What’s this supposed to do, cure me!”
😄 😄 😄
What treat is never on time?
Choco-Late.
😄 😄 😄
What did the doctor say about the tall person who was in a rush to see him?
“I just wish he was a little patient.”
😄 😄 😄
I took a class on Narcissism.
I’m pretty sure I blew everyone away.
😄 😄 😄
I saw a butterfly with no wings today.
I poured some Red Bull on it and BAM... it drowned.
😄 😄 😄
What sign was hanging outside the room where all the donut lovers were having a meeting?
It was a sign that said “Donut disturb!”.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat she wears two watches, one for each time zone she’s in.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot and humid outside, the air ironed the wrinkles out of my shirt.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn on the light.
He turns off the dark.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid Jar Jar questioned her existence!
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl be sure to use the bell next time!”
😄 😄 😄
