Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1. Crimes
2. Accidents
3. Marriages
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How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
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Why did the man named Penny keep shaving his beard?
A Penny shaved is a Penny earned.
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What did officials say after budget cuts forced them to cancel the last few moon missions?
We APOLLO-gize!
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What do you call Harry when he’s in a rush?
Hurry Styles.
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Why couldn’t the joker enter the shop?
Because there was a board outside stating “No funny business”.
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Nothing changes when you cross thirty, except that you have to replace your moisturizer with anti-aging cream.
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What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone.
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Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
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A crab walks into a bar.
The barman says, “I can’t serve you mate, you’re already walking sideways.”
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My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive.
I kinda got it.
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My wife told me she doesn’t want much this Valentine’s Day.
She said “just some chocolates and a few little surprises will be fine”.
Kinder Eggs it is then.
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The politician gave a blue-sky speech full of promises.
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What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
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I went bowling once. I threw the ball down the lane and got a strike.
The result was that I am now banned from the swimming pool.
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Yo mom so stupid she starved an illithid.
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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Yo mama so stupid she put her phone in airplane mode and thought she could fly.
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It’s hotter than asphalt on a California driveway.
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Yo mama’s so flatulent that she forced the sand people out of a single file.
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