Best Jokes (2)



What does a duck thatโ€™s made of avocado say?

Guac.

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If you get kissed by an alpaca, itโ€™s not the end of the world.

Itโ€™s the alpaca-lips.

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Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

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Why was Uranus always mad?

Because it was the butt of everyoneโ€™s jokes.

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Why was the burger sad?

Because he had the blue cheese.

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My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients.

I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.

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A fly just fell into my butter.

Now itโ€™s a butterfly.

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Paddy has just correctly answered the ยฃ500,000 question on โ€œWho Wants To Be a Millionaireโ€.

He has only one question standing between him and the ยฃ1m jackpot.

Presenter: โ€œWhich of these birds does not live in a nest?

A) Thrush

B) Kestrel

C) Blue Tit

D) Cuckooโ€

Paddy has one lifeline left โ€“ phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub.

Murphy agrees and immediately shouts, โ€œItโ€™s a cuckoo!โ€

Paddy goes with that answer and wins the jackpot.

That evening, Paddy was round at Murphyโ€™s bar celebrating.

He turns to Murphy and says, โ€œMurphy, how did you know that cuckoos donโ€™t live in a nest?โ€

Murphy answers, โ€œThatโ€™s the easiest question you could have had! Everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!โ€

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A company manager is flying across the desert in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost.

He calls down to a man riding a camel below him and asks where he is.

The man replies, โ€œYouโ€™re 42 degrees and 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north, 122 degrees, 10 minutes west, 212 meters above sea level, heading due east by northeast.โ€

โ€œThanks,โ€ replies the balloonist. โ€œBy the way, are you a data analyst?โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ replies the man, โ€œhow did you know?โ€

โ€œEverything you told me was totally accurate, you gave me way more information than I needed and I still have no idea what I need to do.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m sorry,โ€ replied the camel-riding analyst. โ€œBy the way, are you a company manager?โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ said the balloonist, โ€œhow did you know?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the analyst, โ€œYouโ€™ve got no idea where you are, no idea what direction youโ€™re heading in, you got yourself into this fix by blowing a load of hot air, and now you expect me to get you out of it.โ€

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Kim Jong Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.

Oops! Spelled โ€˜nuclearโ€™ wrong.

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What does a snail wear to go dancing?

Escargogo boots.

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As a child, a lot of kids would shove things up their noses.

Did you use a bowling ball that they never got out again?

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Son: โ€œDad, have you seen โ€œThe Matrixโ€?โ€

Dad: โ€œIs that the sequel to April Fools?โ€

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A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell.

At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left, and he isnโ€™t looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning.

He comes up with a labor-saving solution: Next to the bin where his melons are carefully arranged, he places a large sign saying โ€œONE OF THESE IS POISONEDโ€.

Reassured, he goes home to sleep.

In the morning, he comes back to find that someone has written on his sign โ€œNow there are twoโ€.

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An orchestra conductor calls 911, โ€œHelp! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?โ€

The 911 operator says, โ€œSimple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.โ€

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Why is the moon a wanted criminal?

Itโ€™s constantly mooning people.

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My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.

โ€œShe obviously has COVID,โ€ my wife said.

โ€œWhy?โ€ I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, โ€œBecause she has no taste.โ€

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โ€œAm I mentioned in the will?โ€ the nephew asked anxiously.

โ€œYou certainly are,โ€ replied the lawyer. โ€œRight here in the third paragraph, your uncle says: To my niece Sarah, I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars, to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars, and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say โ€˜Hi, Charlesโ€™.โ€

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A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldnโ€™t stand the curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, โ€œI am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but Iโ€™ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?โ€

The woman replied, โ€œWell, that first hearse is for my husband.โ€

โ€œWhat happened to him?โ€

The woman replied, โ€œMy dog attacked him to death.โ€

She inquired further, โ€œWell, who is in the second hearse?โ€

The woman answered, โ€œMy mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.โ€

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

โ€œCan I borrow the dog?โ€

โ€œGet in line!โ€

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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

โ€œDoctor, I just canโ€™t get to sleep at night,โ€ he says.

โ€œHave you tried counting sheep?โ€ inquires the doctor.

โ€œThatโ€™s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.โ€

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