I’m studying Human Anatomy.
It’s a polite way of saying “I’m watching people”.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Eat more chicken.”
“Eat more chicken, who?”
“YOU!”
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Why do moths fly to lights?
It beats walking.
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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approaches him and beats him up.
Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station.
Herman walks into the Sergeant’s office.
“What happened to you? the officer asks.
“A gang of snails beat me up,” Herman replied.
“Can you describe what they looked like?”
“I don’t know,” the sloth says. “It all happened so fast.”
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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. The appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
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Well, well, well, how are you still alive?
The assassins I’ve hired must have failed. Count this day of yours a lucky one!
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Yo mama so fat her preferred pronoun is they.
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I decided to donate my body to science.
For the time being, I’m following a routine to preserve it with ethanol until they need it.
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Why do programmers and coders hate nature?
It has too many bugs.
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Why are PC gamers always sad?
Because they can’t console each other.
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What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.
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An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
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Why does August always get upset at the calendar?
Because it knows that summer is about to “fall” apart!
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What do you call a leprechaun’s prank?
A St. Pat-trick!
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What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?
Flanagan.
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Now that I’m teaching remotely, I can’t reward my students for their good work.
So I tell them to visit my website for cookies instead.
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The pope dies and arrives in Heaven. St. Peter awaits him and asks who he is.
The pope: “I am the pope.”
St. Peter: “Who? There’s no such name in my book.”
The pope: “I’m the representative of God on Earth.”
St. Peter: “Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me.”
The pope: “But I am the leader of the Catholic church.”
St. Peter: “The Catholic church... Never heard of it. Wait, I’ll check with the boss.”
St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: “There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.”
God: “I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of. Wait, I’ll ask Jesus.”
God yells for Jesus.
Jesus: “Yes father, what’s up?”
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: “Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.”
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.
Jesus: “Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!”
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An English teacher was getting late for school on Teachers’ Day.
Suddenly, a cop pulled him over and asked for papers.
He gladly gave him all of his students’ essays to grade and drove off.
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What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
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My physicist girlfriend told me that she loves me to the moon and back.
I’m worried she means displacement, not distance.
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