A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.
“Father, father look,” the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. “The Americans have gone to the moon.”
The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, “All of them?”
“No, just 3,” replies the kid.
“Damn it!” The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
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Yo Mama so stupid she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.
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Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas.
As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them, noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help.
When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or a can.
Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan.
He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck, and waved goodbye.
While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by.
He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, “Sisters, somehow I don’t think that’s going to work, but I sure do admire your faith.”
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What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-a.
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I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with earpiece).
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Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?
He was making up for lost thyme.
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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
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Your mama so stupid she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.
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Albert’s retirement party presentation.
“Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company.
Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.
So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.”
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What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don’t know, lettuce sea.
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How would Ariana Grande break up with her boyfriend on Thanksgiving?
“Thank you, next.”
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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult to work since the ground was hard.
His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Paul,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love
Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love
Paul.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
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What does a panda ghost eat?
Bam-BOO!
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What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
Great big holes all over Australia.
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Where do fish sleep in the summer?
On the seabed.
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What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors?
“911 is an inside job.”
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My fridge stopped working...
It’s not cool.
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I was invited to go play Dungeons and Dragons. I was told I needed to pick a race and a class for my character. So I picked white and middle.
Apparently that’s not how it’s played, but I just think they know I’d win.
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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes!
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Chuck Norris graduated college in one hour.
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