All the coffee beans in Colombia won’t make me a morning person.
Good morning!
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You know, you’re being a little moon-dy, I hope it’s just a phase!
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I just couldn’t decide which Asian takeout food I like the best, Japanese or Chinese.
I ended up calling it a Thai.
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The biker’s idea was revolutionary.
It was a real handlebar moment.
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Yesterday I got stuck behind a young girl riding a horse. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t get past her. I was tooting my horn, and hanging out the window yelling at her. She still wouldn’t let me past.
There was a guy on a motorcycle behind me and he was waving too.
I was getting so wound up and frustrated. “It’s people like you that cause accidents!” I shouted.
Eventually, I just couldn’t take any more so I looked around to make sure the coast was clear... and then I jumped off the carousel.
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A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him he thinks he can see the future.
The doctor asks, “When did this start?”
The patient replies, “Next Tuesday.”
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What do you call a dragon with no wings?
Draggin.
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Yo mama so dumb she tried to eat pi.
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What’s my blood type?
Pumpkin spice!
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How does a man from Alabama hold up his pants?
With a bible belt.
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May your day be as spectacular as me.
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The gym instructor broke up with his girlfriend, guess what happened?
It didn’t work out.
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This morning, my son said his ear hurt and I asked, “On the inside or outside?”
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says, “Both.”
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How Chuck Norris plays golf?
He stares at the ball and the ball goes into the hole to hide.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Coal.”
“Coal, who?”
“Coal me when Santa’s on his way.”
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Having your own child is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.
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Why does Spider-Man only have 11 months on his calendar?
Because he lost May.
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Why did Pluto have to go to the dentist?
Because he spotted some black holes.
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Why are short people better than tall people?
They are more down to earth.
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Yo mama so fat Cupid’s arrows couldn’t pierce her.
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