What do you call a boring person from Finland?
A dolphin.
😄 😄 😄
What do the New York Yankees and pancakes have in common?
They both need a good batter!
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A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel’s elevator.
On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, “Giorgio, $100 an ounce.”
On the next floor, an equally beautiful woman steps on and says, “Chanel, $150 an ounce.”
The old lady’s floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, “Broccoli, 49 cents a pound.”
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The artist was great.
He could always draw a crowd.
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I’m a clown... and everyone nose.
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There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, “What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?”
The other one replied, “No, people will think we’re trying to break in.”
The other one said, “Well, do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?”
The other one answered, “No, people will think we’re too stupid to use the coat hanger.”
The other one said, “Well, we better think of something quick because it’s starting to rain and the sunroof is open.”
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My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.
I’ve done that, but now what do I do with the letters?
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What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
“I be-leaf in you.”
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I stayed in a hotel recently where the towels were so thick...
I could hardly close my suitcase.
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Why couldn’t the astronaut book a room on the Harvest Moon?
Because it was full!
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Santa calls the Help Desk to complain to a computer problem.
Santa: “When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. What’s the problem?”
Help Desk: “Dear Santa, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person is standing behind, he can’t read your password.”
Santa: “Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me!”
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I told my boss I was feeling blue, so he painted my office the color of the ocean. Now I’m working in a sea of tranquility.
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Guess what kind of hike I went on today?
I hiked my pants.
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What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Start off with a big fortune!
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A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, “Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?”
The Harvard student replies, “At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.”
The kid said, “Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?”
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What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?
Grave-y!
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My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!
It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
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I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?
Ugly.
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Son: “Hey dad, can you guess what is worse than no moon?”
Dad: “No sun?”
Son: “You don’t even want to take a guess?”
Dad: “No sun!”
Son: “You’re so stubborn, the answer is no sun.”
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A bard walks up to a bored leprechaun. How many tunes should the bard play?
Fortunes.
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