Yo mama so tall when she did a backflip she digs God in the face.
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What do you call two ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese?
A paradux.
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What do you call six witches in a Jacuzzi?
A self-cleaning coven.
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What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away!
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I once tried to kill a giant mouse with a baseball bat.
Now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyworld.
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If you were ice cream, you would be my favorite flavor.
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Iβm making a comic book about a superhero toilet.
βBillionaire Bidet, Crime Fighter by Nightβ
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Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning.
Because I canβt get out of bed.
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My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
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The shady workers behind the Mexican restaurant...
Thatβs nacho business.
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How many nuns are there in a temple?
Nun.
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I hated my haircut at first...
But now itβs starting to grow on me.
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What if the Indians would have given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey?
Weβd all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.
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Why did the apple stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.
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If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
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Hey, I know youβre in love, but itβs time to break up with your bed and get out of there.
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Your mamaβs so short that when she sat on the curb her feet didnβt touch the ground.
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You got the whole world in your nose. How lucky are you.
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Whatβs an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.
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I got the book βInternet Forums for Dummiesβ from a friend.
But I need to take it back, because I already Reddit.
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