Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
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I wonder if the moon prefers coffee or gravi-tea?
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My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told them to pipe down.
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Why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg cracked a yolk!
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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being—an animal.”
Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past, “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, “RALPH, wake up! You crapped the bed!”
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It’s so hot that my popcorn seeds start popping.
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Even Steph Curry can’t hit threes from behind your hairline.
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A lot of people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
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What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
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What do you call an Irish reptile?
Croc O’Dile.
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What kinds of beer makes you urinate vowels?
IPAs.
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Why did the hip surgery patient bring a suit to the hospital?
Because he wanted to be hip and dapper during recovery.
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You’re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
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Yo mamma’s so fat she can’t go to a spaceport because x-wings keep trying to land on her back.
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Why did the chemistry teacher who specializes in organic chemistry lead a troublesome life?
Because he often finds himself in alkynes of trouble.
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What’s the most intelligent mountain?
The Cleverest.
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What car does a German vegetarian drive?
A Volks-vegan.
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What do you call a guy leaning against a wall?
Art.
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My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.
“Do it,” I said. “But it might hurt you.”
“I know,” she replied. “But it’s only a needle.”
“No,” I said. “I mean being single.”
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Shouldn’t you be minding your business and looking out for low flying objects?
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