If you don’t wake up soon, I will eat your breakfast.
😄 😄 😄
My New Year’s resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!
I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!
😄 😄 😄
A Mormon mother was preparing pancakes for her sons—Owen, 5, and Bill, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.”
Owen turned to his younger brother and said, “Bill, you be Jesus.”
😄 😄 😄
My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality.
I don’t know what that means, but must be pretty good if I’ve got it.
😄 😄 😄
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Kanga.”
“Kanga, who?”
“Actually, it’s kangaroo!”
😄 😄 😄
An Irishman walks into NASA and asks:
“Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon?”
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so hot I gotta wear oven mitts to touch her.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dragon with no wings?
Draggin.
😄 😄 😄
I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.
My homework ate my dog.
😄 😄 😄
Working from home. Day 1:
This’ll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.
Day 8:
Engages in conversation with a lamp...
😄 😄 😄
Why are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them!
😄 😄 😄
I asked Uranus about its love life.
And it replied, “It’s complicated, I’m in a gas-tly relationship.”
😄 😄 😄
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I’m paying for it.
😄 😄 😄
If bats could talk, what would they say about the coronavirus?
Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down!
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
😄 😄 😄
If a spider can bite you and make you a Spider-Man, can you bite me so I can be your man?
😄 😄 😄
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses?
Tulips.
😄 😄 😄
How does the Easter Bunny feel after Easter?
Eggs-hausted.
😄 😄 😄
What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
“Wing, wing.”
😄 😄 😄
