Why did Chuck Norris destroy the periodic table?
Because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
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What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?
24 Karat cakes.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Who who.”
“Who who, who?”
“Santa is that you?”
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Why did the llama win the rap battle?
Because he was good at spitting.
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What are bombing instructors in Jihad camps getting tired of hearing?
“OK Boomer!”
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Around 80% of all Asians who move to America get cataracts.
The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.
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Remember when you ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s?
His parents were pissed.
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How do bulls write?
With a bullpen.
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Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?
Between you and I, something smells.
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What do you call a Volleyball player who hurt her knee diving for the ball?
Courtney.
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How do you keep a violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
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Why couldn’t the computer science student read his textbook?
He couldn’t find page 404.
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In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
When it graduates from medical school.
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What does a bookworm do during a baseball game?
Worm the bench.
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Bird flu.
Bird landed.
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My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I’m worried, but my wife says it’s just a phase.
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If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age.
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Did you know that Uranus is the coldest place in the solar system?
So it’s safe to say the sun doesn’t shine there.
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Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.
He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
The Reverend Morgan then sat down.
Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.”
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A dragon would never explode.
But a dino might.
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