What did the man, eating pickles, say to two of his friends who were complaining about Wednesday?
“You two have got to dill with this hump today!”
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Watching the first presidential debate was like watching two people who shouldn’t play with legos argue.
One acted like he was under 4 years old and the other acted like he was over 99.
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How do you make the ice cream more expensive?
Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.
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What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
Pineapple.
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Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?
She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
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It was the first day of school.
Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”
“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”
“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”
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Pessimists are like German vegetarians.
They fear the wurst.
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Why did the blue-faced man get lost?
He was feeling blue and couldn’t find his way.
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I never drink beer with an orange slice in it.
Except once in a Blue Moon.
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I messaged my ex on the day before my exam.
I asked if he had any good cheating tips.
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This culture of inclusiveness is getting out of hand.
I mean, even Jurassic Park engineered a Trannysaurus Rex.
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I will not allow anyone to minimize Helen’s accomplishments.
If you say she only became famous due to blind luck, your claim shall fall on deaf ears.
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I don’t trust people who don’t like mushrooms.
Clearly, they are of low morel fiber.
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What’s my blood type?
Pumpkin spice!
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Why is Spider-Man so good at climbing walls?
Because he is Peter Parkour.
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I asked my organic chemistry teacher what kinds of jokes he likes.
He said, “Alkynes”.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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Chuck Norris was bitten by a werewolf.
When full moon came, the werewolf turned into Chuck Norris.
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It’s so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Noah.”
“Noah, who?”
“Know a place I can hide from ghosts?!”
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