Talking to my crush is like talking to God.
They never respond.
😄 😄 😄
Look up “rib” in the dictionary and it says “To vex, irritate or annoy”.
Look up “rib” in the Bible and it says “Woman”.
Coincidence?
😄 😄 😄
A newcomer observes the inmates telling political jokes.
All the jokes are by now so deeply familiar that they simply refer to them by number.
“Forty-three,” says one. General hilarity.
“Two hundred and three”, says a second. Appreciative chuckles.
“Three hundred and twenty-nine,” says a third.
The newcomer decides to try his hand.
“Ninety-one”, he ventures. Total silence.
He tries again, “Three hundred and one.” Not a titter.
“Forty-two.” A deadly hush.
Puzzled, he asks his neighbor what he did wrong.
“Nothing,” he says. “It’s just the way you tell them.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s Christ’s favorite cheesy cracker?
Jeez-Its.
😄 😄 😄
A guy goes to see a doctor.
Guy: “Doc, I have a kingdom of ants inside my butt, and these be killing me, what can we do?”
Doc: “Get a watermelon, sit on it, once the ant king gets a taste, he’ll call his friends to join him out.”
And sure enough our guy does as instructed, after hours of watermelon sitting, the ant king comes out for a little taste.
The ant king: “BOYS, BRING IT IN!”
😄 😄 😄
During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background.
So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.
Turns out he was asking what’s behind me on our Zoom call.
😄 😄 😄
I made a chicken salad this morning.
This stupid thing is he won’t eat it.
😄 😄 😄
A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
“What did you do that for?” the man asks.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore, do you?”
The man says, “No, but my wife out in the car still does!”
😄 😄 😄
Why are Saturday and Sunday stronger than Wednesday?
Because Wednesday is a weak day.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the worst part about trying to contact a bingo player?
You have to send them a letter with your number B4 they’ll respond.
😄 😄 😄
Feel free to use me as a bad example.
That way, I won’t be totally useless.
😄 😄 😄
Haven’t you heard? All good things come in small packages.
😄 😄 😄
A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.
When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.”
😄 😄 😄
I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
😄 😄 😄
How many pharmacists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, every six hours for the next ten days.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
😄 😄 😄
Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him!
😄 😄 😄
Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to see how long he slept!
😄 😄 😄
I went to the gym to work out, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.
Technically, they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Fizz fall off his pole?
Because he’s so unbalanced.
😄 😄 😄