I recently heard about a study that said that all the so-called “brain foods” don’t actually help your brain at all. It’s all just pseudoscience.
Food for thought.
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Feel my shirt.
It’s boyfriend material.
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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.
He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”
The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”
The captain gets a little annoyed.
He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”
The light signals back, “I’m a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is mad.
He signals, “I’m an aircraft carrier. I’m not changing my course.”
The light signals back a final message, “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
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Your head is so big that when it rains, your body never gets wet.
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The best gift I ever got was a broken drum.
You can’t beat it.
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What do you call a blue owl?
A hoo-dini.
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It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
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Did you hear about the bingo caller who had a tumor?
Luckily, the tumor was B-9.
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It’s so hot that my popcorn seeds start popping.
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What’s a tall person’s worst fear?
Ceiling fans.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who's there?”
“Ho, ho.”
“Ho ho, who?”
“You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
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Yesterday I was talking to an alien from space. Turns out they eat radioactive materials.
I ask it what its favorite meal was.
It told me:
“Fission chips.”
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Didn’t Snoop Dogg change his name?
Or was Snoop Lyin’?!
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What’s the nickname for someone who put their right hand in the mouth of a T-Rex?
Lefty.
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It’s ironic how my aunt died given that her zodiac sign is cancer.
She was killed by a giant crab.
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This special peach school is for those peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
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I shouted to my Mom on Mother’s Day, “How does breakfast in bed sound?”
She said, “Ooh that sounds lovely!”
I said, “Great, I’ll have bacon, fries and two eggs.”
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Good morning!
Sorry you can’t wake up to my wonderful face, but hopefully this text will suffice.
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An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into, “They’ve stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it... even the steering wheel!”
The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.
Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch, “Disregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake.”
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