My addiction to helium is out of control, but...
No one is taking my cries for help seriously.
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Thanks to the coronavirus, we can now explain calling Gen Z “Zoomers”.
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What happens if you combine a vampire and a snowman?
You get frostbite.
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What do you call a bug that hesitates before biting something?
A nervous tick.
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What do you say at a robot funeral?
Rust in peace.
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Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly disappointing.
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One eye told the other, “Between you and me, something smells.”
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It’s hotter than a dog looking at a fire hydrant.
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What does a sick ninja practice?
Kung flu.
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A soapbox orator addresses a crowd on the glories of communism, “Come the revolution, everyone will eat strawberries and cream!”
A man at the front whimpers, “But I don’t like strawberries and cream...”
The speaker thunders, “Come the revolution, you will like strawberries and cream!”
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How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
10. 1 to change the lightbulb and the other 9 to say “I could do that”.
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I love my motorcycle, it’s great for getting to the front of queues quicker.
It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.
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What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
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What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
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Can you guess where that famous painter’s ear went?
Not sure, but I saw it get in a Van and Gogh!
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Yo momma so fat she prevents ships from going to hyperspace.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Toad.”
“Toad, who?”
“Toadally awesome, it’s your birthday!”
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How do you know there’s no hair on the moon?
The moon waxes 14 times a month!
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My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder.
But that’s impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.
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Did you hear about the worst faith healer ever?
He was so bad, a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
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