Uranus can really bring the gas.
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Can you guess why learning sign language is such a good idea?
Because it is quite handy!
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Why did the Arsenal fan bring an umbrella to the stadium?
In case the tears started pouring.
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Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted, “YOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY!”
I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley.
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Did you know there’s a street in England named Harry Styles Boulevard?
It only goes in one direction, though.
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Why can’t you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?
You can’t take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!
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What does a predator call a hummingbird?
Fast food!
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Did you hear about the man who solved a puzzle in 10 minutes?
Even though the box said 2-4 years.
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I’ve been superglued mushrooms all over my body.
My wife says it’s not right, but I’m sticking to my morels.
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You are so short that you can do push-ups underneath a closed door.
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite sport?
Fly fishing.
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What is the definition of overcast?
When Harry Potter messes up a spell.
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Yo momma so black she makes Lando Calrissian look like Casper.
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Why did the boy stop eating donuts?
Because he got bored with the hole thing.
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What do vegans get instead of bird flu?
Toflu.
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Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.”
Dispatcher: “Do you have an address?”
Caller: “No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?”
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Psychiatrist: “What brought you here?”
Patient: “My wife sent me here because I like pancakes.”
Psychiatrist: “There’s nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too.”
Patient: “Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!”
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What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh!” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man, hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well, no, but... it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
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I don’t plan to put up solar panels...
But, if you do, more power to you.
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