What is the name of a man who always knows where his wife is?
A widower.
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I tried tap dancing.
But I had to give it up as I kept falling into the sink.
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What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut.
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”
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Where does a beard styling enthusiast go for vacations?
Shave-illa.
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Being a vegetarian in Germany is so difficult.
It’s the wurst.
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It’s hotter than a handful of hells out here!
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What do you call someone who flies a spaceship to Uranus?
An asstronaut.
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I’d hate to be a dragon.
I’d get so angry trying to blow out my birthday candles.
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A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree.
He is watched by a sparrow who can’t help laughing and eventually says, “Don’t you know there aren’t any apples on the tree yet?”
“Yes,” said the snail, “but there will be by the time I get up there.”
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Rise and shine!
Today is a great day to be amazing.
Or at least pretend to be until you’ve had your coffee.
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Why did the Python data scientist get arrested at customs?
She was caught trying to import pandas.
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It was so cold that the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
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Yo mama so stupid she tried to smell her own nose.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ken.”
“Ken, who?”
“Ken you please loan me some money?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Wanda.”
“Wanda, who?”
“Wanda know what you’re getting for Christmas?”
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The taller you are, the harder you’ll fall.
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Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
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A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked him to death.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line!”
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People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
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