2 hockey players were fighting on the rink.
Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right-handed to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice.
A player on the bench says, “At least he got ice on it right away.”
😄 😄 😄
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fools.
They were literally born yesterday.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl this must be driving others crazy!”
😄 😄 😄
It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol is a solution.
😄 😄 😄
A ginger man finds a magic lamp and when he rubs it the genie pops out.
The genie says, “What do you want?”
The ginger says, “I want a huge mansion with a hundred rooms and 20 floors all made of pure gold.”
The genie looks and says,” Don’t be an idiot! Do you have any idea how much gold that would take? That’s impossible, pick something else.”
So the ginger finally decides and says, “I want everyone to stop making fun of my hair color.”
The genie says, “So, this mansion, you want suite bathrooms?”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Orange.”
“Orange, who?”
“Orange you going to open your birthday presents?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the jelly break up with the peanut butter?
Because it was too clingy.
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “Why didn’t you come to school on the first day?”
Dave: “My father is still in the hospital.”
One week later.
Teacher: “Is your father still in the hospital, Dave?”
Dave: “He is, indeed, a doctor.”
😄 😄 😄
Science is amazing. Some European scientists made a breakthrough and invented an Anti-Thieves Machine. It detects and catches thieves in the streets of various cities around the world with an accuracy of 99.9%!
Naturally, various countries were interested. Germany got 2 machines, France got 3, Greece got 4, Italy got 5, and Portugal, true to its showoff image, got 10.
After one hour, in Germany, 100 thieves were caught. In France, more than 250 thieves were caught. In Greece, more than 350 thieves were caught. In Italy, more than 500 thieves were caught. In Portugal, after 30 minutes, all the machines were stolen.
😄 😄 😄
A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit.
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.
The wolf turns to the moose and says, “Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It’s been a couple days without food. You understand, right?”
The moose says, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I’ve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?”
The wolf says, “Of course.”
So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.
The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says, “I don’t even know why the hell I looked. I can’t even read.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bluebird get kicked out of the forest?
Because it was a bird of pray.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so fat The Whole Death Star can use her as a protection shield.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.
😄 😄 😄
On what day of the week, do monsters eat people?
Chewsday.
😄 😄 😄
After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet.
It was then I shared my dark secret, “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”
😄 😄 😄
Are you an electrician?
Because you’re definitely lighting up my night!
😄 😄 😄
What was Newton’s most favorite dessert?
An apple pi.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a person from Portugal?
Portuguese.
What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?
Portugeezer.
😄 😄 😄
What is a wolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the hot dog stand on the moon?
The hot dogs were out of this world, but there was absolutely no atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
