It’s so hot Siri asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water.
😄 😄 😄
Got an email asking me to invest in Egyptian architecture.
Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so dumb when y’all were driving to Disneyland she saw a sign that said “Disneyland left” so she went home.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that firecrackers light themselves.
😄 😄 😄
“Hey there buddy, I have a bunch of old albums, would you like 2 CD’s...?
“Sure thanks!”
“...to see DEEZ NUTZ!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Viking who can’t catch fish?
A cod-less heathen.
😄 😄 😄
My sister said to me, “Mom wants you to help us fix Thanksgiving Day dinner.”
I said, “Why? Is it broken?”
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
😄 😄 😄
Doctor: “I’m sorry to say you’ve got lung cancer.”
Patient (tearing up): “Oh god, no!”
Doctor: “Sorry to say it because it’s not true, lol April Fool!”
Patient (angry): “What the hell?!”
Doctor: “Yeah, pranked you, the cancer’s in your pancreas.”
😄 😄 😄
Why is it okay to tell Helen Keller jokes?
Because she can’t hear them anyway!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a potato that has turned to the Dark side?
Vader Tots.
😄 😄 😄
I asked Uranus if it wanted to go for a walk.
And it replied, “Sure, just don’t stand behind me.”
😄 😄 😄
Have you ever seen something so attractive and so hot that it makes you melt like ice cream when you see try to get close to it?
I haven’t. I think I’m seeing stars.
😄 😄 😄
I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning”.
If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
😄 😄 😄
A patient goes to the dentist for a tooth extraction.
The dentist gives him some anesthesia and then quickly pulls out the tooth.
He says to the patient, “That’ll be $500, please.”
The patient says, “What! $500 for 5 minutes of extraction work? That’s a complete rip-off!”
The dentist replies, “Well, I can make it longer if you’d like.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day.
On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
😄 😄 😄
What did one German man say to the other German man?
I have no idea, I can’t speak German.
😄 😄 😄
What US state is round on the sides but tall in the center?
Ohio.
😄 😄 😄
Ever heard of the planet party?
Uranus was the star, always the center of attraction.
😄 😄 😄
Yo moma so lazy she sticks her nose out the door and let the air blow it.
😄 😄 😄
