I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...
I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.
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If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
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I went to an English camping party with some vegetables.
We stayed in a tea-pea.
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My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space.
I mean, what a thing to say to a friend. It totally ruined our bath!
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Three pregnant women are chatting in a café.
Heather says, “I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I’m pregnant with triplets!”
“I got mine done yesterday too,” says Linda. “I’m pregnant with septuplets!”
“I think I’ll get my ultrasound done next week,” says Martha.
The three women chat some more.
Finally, Heather says, “I got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was ‘The Three Little Pigs’.”
“I got Disney+ last month too,” says Linda. “The first movie I watched on it was ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’.” When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.
“It’s okay if you don’t have Disney+,” says Heather.
“I do have it,” says Martha. “It’s just that the first movie I watched on it was ‘101 Dalmatians’.”
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Why does August always get upset at the calendar?
Because it knows that summer is about to “fall” apart!
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Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them, “It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four.”
“Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.”
“You cannot pull that one on me,” replies Paddy. “Quattro means four. You have five people in your car, and you are therefore breaking the law.”
The Scotsmen reply angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!”
“Sorry,” responds Paddy, “Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Me.”
“Me, who?”
“Oh no, the forgetfulness has started already!”
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To her credit, the registered nurse that prepped my father for his vasectomy was very gentle and pretty sure she didn’t mean to be unkind.
But he didn’t think it was very nice of her to say, “Just a little prick, sir.”
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My Sister works at a pharmacy.
As a pharmasister.
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Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
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What do leprechauns barbecue on St. Patrick’s Day?
Short ribs.
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I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
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A web developer walks into a restaurant.
He immediately leaves in disgust as the restaurant was laid out in tables.
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At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
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What do you call a pharmacist working at a veterinary drug company?
A FARM-ASSIST.
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A jobless man applied for the position of Office Boy at a very big company.
The employer interviewed him, then a test “Clean the Floor”.
“You are hired,” the employer said. “Give me your email address, and I’ll send you the application to fill out, as well as when you will start.”
The man replied, “I don’t have a computer or an email.”
“I’m sorry,” said the employer, “if you don’t have an email that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.”
The man left with no hope. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 USD in his pocket.
He then decided to go to the supermarket, bought a 10 kg tomato crate, then sold the tomatoes door to door. In less than two hours, he succeeded and doubled his capital.
He repeated the operation 3 times and returned home with $60 USD. The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go every day earlier, and returned late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his fleet of delivery vehicles.
Five years later, the man’s company was one of the biggest food retailers. He started to plan his family’s future and decided to have life insurance.
He called an insurance broker and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email.
The man replied, “I don’t have an email.”
The broker replied curiously, “You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?”
The man paused for a while and replied, “An office boy!”
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Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme.
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In a place without geometry...
Life is pointless.
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Ohayo means “good morning” in Japanese.
And that is the most interesting thing about Ohio.
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