A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
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At the bank, I told the cashier, “I would like to open a joint account.”
He asked, “With whom?”
I answered, “With whomsoever has lots of money.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ox.”
“Ox, who?”
“Ox me nice and I will take you out for ice cream.”
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What should you never put in an ice cream sundae?
A Spoon.
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My Sister works at a pharmacy.
As a pharmasister.
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How does Tom Brady have a bad haircut before every game?
He always asks for the Super “Bowl Cut”.
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Yo mama’s so stupid she thought Fortnite was fork night.
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An Australian guy was playing Mama Mia on his didgeridoo.
I thought, that’s aboriginal.
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What’s the secret to Jesus’ summer beach body?
Cross fit.
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I had to fire the fruit delivery guy today.
I really had to let the mango he was driving me bananas.
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Doctor: “Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.”
Me: “Thanks for reminding me.”
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What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
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Hershey bars have dominated chocolate for over a century.
Is anyone else not offended we still don’t have a Himhe bar?
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I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving.
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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Two college students accidentally miss the math final exam.
The next day, they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam.
When they both showed up, he told one of them to wait outside while he tested the other. So one enters and the other puts his ear to the door to listen.
The professor begins asking the question, “You are riding in a train car and you get too hot. What do you do?”
The student replies, “I open the window.”
“OK. Now that window is 2 feet wide and 3 feet high. The train is traveling 50 mph going north and the wind is blowing at 15 mph due east. How long will it take for new air to replace the old air in the car?”
The student is clearly confused by this difficult question and just answers, “I don’t know.”
So the professor gives him an F, dismisses him, and calls in his friend.
He begins asking his friend, “You are riding in a train car and it gets too hot. What do you do?”
He says, “I will take my jacket off.” “OK. But it’s still too hot. What do you do?”
“I take my shirt off.”
“I understand but it’s very, very hot.”
“I will just get naked.”
“OK. But there are people in the car who will see you get naked.”
“With all respect, professor,” said the student, “I don’t care if my grandmother and my priest are there, there’s no way I’m opening that darn window!”
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Why won’t my motorbike run?
Because it’s two tired.
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Five word horror story:
Unexpected item in bagging area.
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When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
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Blessed be your morning, o holy one!
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