I was making my daughter a sandwich and asked her what kind she wanted.
“We can do peanut butter with either peach preserves or honey,” I told her.
She: “Honey, please!”
“That’s fine,” I thought. “The peach preserves are my jam anyway.”
Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly...
There was a jam.
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Did you hear about the hot dog stand on the moon?
The hot dogs were out of this world, but there was absolutely no atmosphere.
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What ever happened to the Fried Shrimp emoji?
It was tempurary.
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What’s the difference between E.T. and an illegal alien?
E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.
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What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
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Yo momma so fat she can’t reach her back pocket.
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What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!
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How did the flu become so popular?
They promoted it using an influenza.
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What is the difference between a Chelsea fan and a Battery?
A battery has a positive side.
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What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
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I told my mom I wanted to play Roblox for a living.
She said she didn’t want me to have such a block-and-white career.
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What do you call a grape that’s always getting into trouble?
A mis-grape.
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They said pooping is a call of nature.
So is farting a missed call?
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My wife has banned me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I make anymore, I’m toast.
But my kids keep egging me on.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Venice.”
“Venice, who?”
“Venice Halloween candy coming out?!”
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The 5 secrets to happiness for men:
1. Find a woman who can make you laugh.
2. Find a woman who can cook.
3. Find a woman who really listens to you.
4. Find a woman who is great in bed.
5. Make sure these 4 women don’t find out about each other.
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My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder.
But that’s impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
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A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland.
The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks.
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The first commandment was... when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
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