In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
When it graduates from medical school.
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What does a bookworm do during a baseball game?
Worm the bench.
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Bird flu.
Bird landed.
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My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I’m worried, but my wife says it’s just a phase.
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If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age.
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Did you know that Uranus is the coldest place in the solar system?
So it’s safe to say the sun doesn’t shine there.
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Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.
He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
The Reverend Morgan then sat down.
Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.”
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A dragon would never explode.
But a dino might.
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What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?
“I’m sorry, I’m too mature for you.”
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I don’t like people who do not cover their mouths and noses when they sneeze.
These people make me sick.
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Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a Nest-cafe.
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Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon.
But they wouldn’t let us land because the moon was full.
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How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep.
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A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.
The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock.
About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.
“What?! I dunno buddy, call the damn Coast Guard!” and he slams the phone down.
He goes to the living room and resumes reading the newspaper.
His wife looks over at him nervously and asks what the call was about, and the husband replies “Pfft, some moron calling to ask if the coast is clear.”
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Yo mama so fat Cupid’s arrows couldn’t pierce her.
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An electrician is a bright spark who knows what’s watt.
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I don’t want to be Spider-Man, I just want to be your man.
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No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce.
They keep telling me it’s a lost cos.
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What is a DnD cleric’s favorite car manufacturer?
Ford, because I’ve never seen a cleric without their focus.
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What do you get when a giant steps on a house?
Mush-rooms.
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