What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
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What do you get when you cross an alien and something white and fluffy?
A martian-mallow!
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One fine day Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car.
As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
“Oh no,” Ole protested, “I was only doing tirty, officer.”
“No, you were doing fifty,” replied the cop.
“Really, officer, I was only doing tirty”, Ole replied stubbornly.
“Well,” bellowed the cop, “I clocked you doing FIFTY!”
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up, “Officer, you really shouldn’t argue with Ole ben he’s been drinking.”
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Your mama’s so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
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What do you call 10 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call 100 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call 1000 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
Still a problem.
What do you call all of the Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
PROBLEM SOLVED!
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You’re so fly, all I want to do right now is wrap you up and take you to my web.
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I wanted to start a hide-and-seek league.
But good players are hard to find.
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When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my dad said, “Well, have you tried euthanasia?”
In the background, I could hear my mom yell, “For the last time, Henry, it’s pronounced ‘Echinacea!’, ‘Echinacea!!!’.”
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Yo mama’s breath is so bad that when she talks her nose hairs fall out.
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How do you make a skeleton laugh?
Tickle their funny bones.
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What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?
Claude.
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What is the best way to avoid Asian flu?
Have a Phu shot.
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What is software?
It’s the part of a computer you can’t hit.
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Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
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I almost cut off my beard today.
That was a close shave.
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What did one blue eye say to the other?
Between us, something smells.
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What did the barbecue say on Labor Day weekend?
Time to get fired up!
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What do you call two depressed bears?
Bipolar.
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Where does Goku keep his ice cream?
In the Freiza.
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December is the worst time of the year for someone who is...
Claus-trophobic!
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