My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients.
I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
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What do you call it when Shrek falls off a boat?
Ogreboard.
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The bed-and-breakfast I stayed at had a great view.
It was truly sight-resting.
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What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
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What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
Fangs-giving.
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Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
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What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
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What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist.
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Why did the peanut butter and jelly get into a fight?
Because they couldn’t agree on which bread to use.
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What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?
He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.
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Yo mama so fat every time she took a step it caused an earthquake.
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I had this long fungi joke, but I don’t have enough shroom to type it.
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In Jamaica, how do you know if a mango is ripe?
Pokémon GO!
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The sunflower was feeling lonely.
He said he just wanted to get some-bud-y to love.
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How much is the moon worth?
One dollar, because it has four quarters.
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What do waitresses and chemists have in common?
They both need to check the table periodically.
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I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.
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What did the guy with big ears say when his boss asked if he could have a word with him?
“I’m all ears.”
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Two leprechauns are in the forest and one starts eating mushrooms, so the other one says to him, “Are you having fun, Gus?”
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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
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