What do you call a Puerto Rican dish that’s not spicy?
A mistake.
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I’m an annoying on the outside, but I’m like an onion.
You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying.
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The only clan thing you find in a well cleaned big nose is fingerprints.
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What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A six-foot toothbrush.
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Good morning!
Today is a good day to have a good day, especially if you've had your coffee.
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Yo mama so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
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I had to break up with my girlfriend, she doesn’t like Star Trek.
I told her I need some space.
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Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy.
There were no survivors.
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The last twenty-five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.
For instance, I've lived through more Spider-Man re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.
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What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
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Did you hear about the fan who just bought Taylor Swift’s hair comb in an online auction?
It’s his closest brush with fame.
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After several attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian-American friend Appappa decided to spell it out.
“A for apple,” he began, “P for pineapple, p for pineapple, a for apple, p for pineapple, p for...”
The flustered agent interrupted, “I have a better idea,” she said, “just tell me how many apples and how many pineapples.”
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Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday.
Rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday’s code.
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Why was the moth so unpopular?
He kept picking holes in everything.
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What can a whole pizza do that a half pizza cannot do?
A whole one can look round.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Boo.”
“Boo, who?”
“Don’t cry, it’s only Tuesday!”
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Chuck Norris does not have near-death experiences.
Death has near Chuck Norris experiences.
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Which country has the worst air force?
Turkey. None of them can fly.
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What’s a Pinterest user’s favorite type of weather?
Rainy, so they have an excuse to stay in and pin all day.
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The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
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