Chocolate is like guns.
If you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend.
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I took a roofing class in college.
But all the content went right over my head.
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When my mother died, all my father said was “cough, fatigue, fever”.
He’s a man of flu words.
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What is a carnivore’s favorite bumper sticker for their car?
“I love animals. They taste great.”
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How do you make an apple turnover?
Push it down hill.
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
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Welcome to organic chemistry.
Where questions like “where do you keep your chloroform?” are no longer suspicious.
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It’s so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.
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Yo mama’s so hairy that she gets mistaken for Chewbacca’s cousin.
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I tried to dye my hair blue, but it didn’t work out.
I guess you could say it was a dye-lemma.
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Yes, money can’t buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.
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A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they’ll play a game with the kids. They’ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.
At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.
“Well,” he says, “it’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.
The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s an asshole!”
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My friend told me that mentioning Uranus in science class is embarrassing.
I replied, “Don’t worry, it’s just a gas!”
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What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?
Reapply.
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When Chuck Norris was a baby, he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.
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It’s so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
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What is it called when two redheads have a kid?
Ginger bred.
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Yo mama’s so fat that even stormtroopers can’t miss her.
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My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
“Are we expecting guests?” I asked.
“No,” she replied.
“Then why did you buy so much bread?”
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