Why are German hot dogs the most controversial?
It’s because they make the best and the wurst ones.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about that dyslexic Japanese samurai?
He was so dishonored, that he committed Sudoku.
😄 😄 😄
Once a programmer drowned in the sea.
Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting “F1 F1” and nobody understood it.
😄 😄 😄
Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter says, “We’re pretty full, so we’re making people pass additional tests.
I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and he’s only letting in people who have a connection to Jets.”
All three sets of eyes light up.
Sondheim steps up and says, “I wrote the definitive American musical, and it was all about a gang called the Jets.”
St. Peter waves him through.
John Madden says, “I coached in a classic NFL game, where my Raiders beat the Jets on a last-second touchdown.”
Also gets waived through.
St. Peter says, “OK, Betty, what about you?”
She smiles and says, “If he’s really omniscient, he knows what I do in hot tubs...”
😄 😄 😄
Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
“Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan.”
So, one of them asked the other: “When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a half-baked joke?
A pun in the oven.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?
A Volt-demort.
😄 😄 😄
How do bad guys in Marios Bros. surf the internet?
With web Bowsers.
😄 😄 😄
The reason that no one has returned to the moon for so long is that every time someone tries to book a hotel there, it’s full...
😄 😄 😄
Some wise guys show a civil engineer an 8 ounce glass with 4 ounces of water in it.
They ask him the age old question, “Is the glass half empty or half full?”
The civil engineer responds, “The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”
😄 😄 😄
If Shrek had been an average movie, it would’ve been...
Mediogre.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a pharmacy: “I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I’m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?”
Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!
😄 😄 😄
I get so nervous during earthquakes.
That I start shaking uncontrollably.
😄 😄 😄
What squirms and howls at the Harvest Moon?
Wereworms.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot her hugs give third-degree burns.
😄 😄 😄
Where do you smart hot dogs go?
On the honor role.
😄 😄 😄
You know you’re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Muslim crocodile?
An Allahgator.
😄 😄 😄
What is going through a moth’s mind when it flies into a car windshield?
Its abdomen.
😄 😄 😄
An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed in the opposite direction.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”
Likewise, the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”
The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.”
The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”
So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.
He says to the Marine, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”
The Marine replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap, and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, “Your turn!”
The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine, and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
😄 😄 😄
