People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
😄 😄 😄
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.
Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
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Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.
Then he’d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.
He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.
“Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.
We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”
His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.
This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.
Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.
Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.
“It’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”
“Oh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”
😄 😄 😄
My favorite character in the wizard of oz is the scarecrow.
I mean, come on, it’s a no-brainer!
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Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
😄 😄 😄
My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.
😄 😄 😄
Roses are red, cacti are thorny.
When I’m around you, you make me very...HAPPY!
I guess what I’m trying to say is aloe you very much.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Olive.”
“Olive, who?”
“Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it.”
😄 😄 😄
Where did the fisherman and mermaid meet?
On line.
😄 😄 😄
Why do otters sleep on their backs?
Because it’s otterly blissful.
😄 😄 😄
What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?
Both demand you respect them, but don’t want to follow the same rules as you.
😄 😄 😄
“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
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A little girl ran up to her father, shouting, “Daddy, Daddy! Can you guess how old I’ll be in October?”
The father laughed, “Oh, I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?”
She gave him a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?
The Carroty Kid.
😄 😄 😄
A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.
He went to a shop and found a nice-looking VR set.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, “What happens if this doesn’t work?”
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, ‘GUARANTEE NO SPOILED’.
Feeling assured, he paid for the VR set and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the VR set after returning to the hotel, but it wouldn’t even switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.
When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, “Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.”
😄 😄 😄
Two students are building a model of the solar system.
Student 1: “Did you remember to bring Uranus like I asked you?”
Student 2: “I never leave home without it!”
😄 😄 😄
The US government has been there for us through hard times from the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu, and tragedies like the loss of American lives.
I’m starting to think they’re bad luck.
😄 😄 😄
I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes.
Because I am lack-toes-intolerant.
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a snowman!”
Doctor: “Keep cool.”
😄 😄 😄
