It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.
😄 😄 😄
My wife said, “Did you know butterflies only live for one day?”
I said, “That’s a myth.”
She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”
😄 😄 😄
Where should you visit after Sesame Street?
Thyme Square!
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the guy who’s surrounded by positive people at his workplace?
Yeah, he really hates his work at the infection clinic.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of bar is kid-friendly?
A chocolate bar.
😄 😄 😄
I have been working from home since March of last year.
I am an Uber driver.
😄 😄 😄
Just kissed my husband intimately on the back of the neck, as I walked past him while working from home.
He started this job on Monday. I thought he was watching a video. He was on a meeting with the CEO.
😄 😄 😄
Why do computer scientists get confused between Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
😄 😄 😄
“There’s something wrong with this dictionary.”
“What is it?”
“They spelled ‘love’ wrong. It should be L-U-V, because I know I can’t spell love without U!”
😄 😄 😄
My friend had mushrooms during the party.
Now he’s a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
How does a broken ankle apologize?
“I’m sorry for being such a stumbling block.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s Thanksgiving?
Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Twisted Fate an illegal immigrant?
Because he doesn’t have a green card.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into the doctor’s office.
A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.
The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
😄 😄 😄
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so dumb she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
😄 😄 😄
My kids are buying me gifts for Father’s Day.
I hope I can afford it.
😄 😄 😄
I don’t put ketchup and mustard on my hot dog, I relish it.
😄 😄 😄
The tree hated losing its foliage in September.
When it grew back in March, he was so re-lieved.
😄 😄 😄
