Shrek was furious when all the fairy tale creatures were forced onto his swamp.
It was Marsh Madness.
😄 😄 😄
After I spoke with the tax auditor, I slept like a baby.
I woke up every hour and cried.
😄 😄 😄
Six years ago, I DMed my facebook crush, telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times and blocked me.
😄 😄 😄
What are Michael Jackson’s pronouns?
He/Hee.
😄 😄 😄
I was stuck in traffic outside Washington, DC this morning. No one was moving at all.
Then this guy knocked on my window.
I rolled it down and said, “What’s happening?”
He said, “Terrorists have taken the entire US Congress hostage, and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if they’re not paid a 100 million dollar ransom. We’re going from car to car collecting donations.”
“How much is everyone giving?” I asked.
He said, “About a gallon.”
😄 😄 😄
A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.
A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, “Your cat got run over by a car and died.”
The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.
His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.
A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.
“What?” he asks.
His friend replies, “Your grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.”
😄 😄 😄
What state is always surprised to see you?
Ohio.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?
Phil.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mamma’s so ugly Rancors look at her and go “Damn, dude, she’s UGLY!”.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the computer science student read his textbook?
He couldn’t find page 404.
😄 😄 😄
I just saw a squirrel bury a nut in my back yard.
I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a chocolate bar.
That’ll blow his mind.
😄 😄 😄
Where do late sailors come from?
Missed-his-shippi.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Clover.”
“Clover, who?”
“Clover here and I’ll tell you.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
He wanted to get to the bottom.
😄 😄 😄
What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?
Aria 51.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call six witches in a Jacuzzi?
A self-cleaning coven.
😄 😄 😄
It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol is a solution.
😄 😄 😄
Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon.
But they wouldn’t let us land because the moon was full.
😄 😄 😄
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
😄 😄 😄
What is a pressing thought of every pig?
“Why do all bacon get cooked and cookies get baked?”
😄 😄 😄
