I wasn’t staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.
😄 😄 😄
I got caught smuggling insects I was anxious.
My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.
😄 😄 😄
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
😄 😄 😄
When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hot dogs and my favorite candy.
You can’t do that these days...
Too many damned security cameras.
😄 😄 😄
“Do you know the difference between a fly and an elephant?”
“No.”
“Wow! You’d better see somebody then.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s one thing that you’ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
You’ll both be filled with stuffing.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the polite coder get hired?
The job required SASS.
😄 😄 😄
A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.
“Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,” the pharmacist says. “Don’t worry,” replies the patient. “It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.”
😄 😄 😄
Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one.
And the other two escaped with minor injuries.
😄 😄 😄
Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, it’s going to end in a mess.
😄 😄 😄
I didn’t always like mushrooms, but they’ve finally started to grow on me.
😄 😄 😄
A monocle walks into a bar.
After a few drinks, he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him.
“Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don’t allow smoking in here. You’ll have to step outside to smoke.”
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile, a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled.
They try to get free, but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head.
“Hey, you two!” he shouts. “Stop making spectacles of yourselves!”
😄 😄 😄
Good morning, sweetie!
When I get up, my initial idea is of just how you feel, after that, I obtain you a cup of coffee, placed it down, as well as back away, gradually...
😄 😄 😄
It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle.
He just didn’t have the balls to do it.
😄 😄 😄
Before he goes to sleep, the boogey man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
😄 😄 😄
A boy was riding his bicycle, and he sees his mom on the porch.
He releases the handle and yells to his mom, “Look mom, no hands!”
His mom replies, “Be careful, honey.”
Then he releases his legs from the pedals and says, “Look mom, no legs!”
His mom replies more sternly, “Be careful, honey.”
The little boy then abruptly falls, to the dismay of his mom.
The boy slowly gets back up and says, “Look mom, no teeth!”
😄 😄 😄
Can you guess who you should never lie to?
An x-ray operator—they can see right through you!
😄 😄 😄
What do bees use to build roads?
Nec-tar.
😄 😄 😄
Memo from Director-General to Manager:
Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes.
As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park.
Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information.
Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes.
For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director-General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director-General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse.
This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.
This will be safe if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director-General will eclipse the sun for two minutes.
This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director-General disappear.
It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the nickname for someone who put their right hand in the mouth of a T-Rex?
Lefty.
😄 😄 😄
