It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.
The wife and the mother-in-law.
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What happens when you propose to someone blind on Friday the 13th?
They tell you that they are seeing someone else.
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So one day, grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to grandma’s kitchen.
“Well now, where’s my bucket, and where’s my water?” grandma asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that waterhole, grandma,” exclaimed Johnny. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt anyone. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, grandma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”
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Did you hear about the comedian who calls himself The Sofa King?
He’s sofa king funny.
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Two snakes are slithering down the road and chatting.
Snake 1: “Oh, boy. I hope I’m not venomous...”
Snake 2: “Wait, what? Why?”
Snake 1: “Because I just bit my tongue.”
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The other day my yoga instructor turned up to the class drunk.
I was put in quite an awkward position.
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How many Chelsea managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. The light bulb lasts longer than any manager.
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What disease did the YouTuber contract?
Influenza.
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Yo mama so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.
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A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
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What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?
Basqueing.
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Can you guess who you should never lie to?
An x-ray operator—they can see right through you!
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Your head is so big that when it rains, your body never gets wet.
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What are a prisoner’s favorite building materials?
Steal and cement.
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What do you call a lawyer who’s also a pirate?
A barracuda-talking sea attorney.
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What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose.
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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.
The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”
The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.
The officer says, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”
The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.
The officer says, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”
Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”
The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.
He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.
With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.
Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.
Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically, and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”
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Vegan: “People who sell meat are gross!”
Non-vegetarian: “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
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What would you call an unidentified object which landed in Australia?
Australien.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Coal.”
“Coal, who?”
“Coal me when Santa’s on his way.”
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