Where do you keep your badge at a Star Trek convention?
On a Lanyard Nimoy.
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Have you ever tried looking at a penny under a microscope?
...magnificent.
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What key won’t open any door?
A donkey.
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Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god?
Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.
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A Wolfswagon Rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
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From the depths of your slumber, I summon thee.
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How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
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Where does Spider-Man poop?
Web-ever he wants.
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What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut.
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Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.”
“Oh, yeah?” her grandson replied, “So, why is their dad carrying that rifle?”
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I was reading a story about dragons the other day It just seemed to drag-on and on.
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Why is the woman afraid of the vampire?
Because he is all bite and no bark.
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What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
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Spider-Man and Black Widow first met on the web.
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When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.
He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.
In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.
Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.
As he lay dying, he cried out, “God, how could you do this to me?”
And a voice from the heavens responded, “To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn’t recognize you.”
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Hershey bars have dominated chocolate for over a century.
Is anyone else not offended we still don’t have a Himhe bar?
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What would you name Will if he was one of the Wheelers?
Third Wheeler.
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What do you call a polar bear on the South Pole and another Polar Bear On The North Pole?
Polar Opposites.
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Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
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It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
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