What did Shrek use to propose to Fiona?
An onion ring.
😄 😄 😄
Your hairline looks like someone tried to erase it using Microsoft paint.
😄 😄 😄
My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress.
So I didn’t open his bills.
😄 😄 😄
Nurse: “Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies and still couldn’t find one.”
Doctor: “I was just checking if my pen works.”
😄 😄 😄
Me: “I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.”
Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
Me: “Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes.”
😄 😄 😄
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.
She asks him: “Little Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?”
He: “Like the moon.”
The teacher: “That’s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful”.
Little Johnny: “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”
😄 😄 😄
I hate it when my blue jeans fade.
They’re not feeling so blue anymore.
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the man behind the counter, after dropping off his prescription, “Excuse me, but what time do you close on Sunday?”
He replies, “Oh, we don’t close on Sunday.”
Pleasantly surprised, the man picks up some other items and leaves.
The next day—Sunday—the man goes to pick up his prescription, only to find a closed sign hanging on the door of the pharmacy. Peeved at the lying pharmacist, he trudges back home and waits Monday.
Monday morning, right as the pharmacist unlocks the door, the man is running up to him, shouting.
“Hey! You said that you never closed on Sundays, but when I came around yesterday, you were closed! What gives?”
The pharmacist looks at the man and says, “Well, we in fact did not close yesterday, because we never even opened!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a male buffalo?
A buffellow.
😄 😄 😄
You should get your flu vaccination.
It’s worth a shot.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the carpenter on a carrot farm who ran out of wood, so he had to start using carrots to make tables?
It turns out he wasn’t just good with wood, he was also good with vege tables.
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”
“Twelve dollars,” says the barber.
“And for a shave?”
“Ten dollars.”
“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”
😄 😄 😄
A husband and wife had a fight.
Wife called her mom, “He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.”
Mom: “No, dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!”
😄 😄 😄
How does a dyslexic person spell “baldy”?
Badly.
😄 😄 😄
What do bees use to build roads?
Nec-tar.
😄 😄 😄
So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favorite Star Wars character.
You should’ve seen the Luke on her face.
😄 😄 😄
“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
😄 😄 😄
How do beavers make a bouncy dam?
They use spring water.
😄 😄 😄
What happens after you have a beautiful girlfriend, a million-dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body?
You wake up.
😄 😄 😄
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
😄 😄 😄
