A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a Buddhist monk on the other side.
There are no bridges. He has no boat.
He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank, “How do I get to the other side?”
The Buddhist monk shouts back, “You are on the other side!”
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A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he needs a haircut and doesn’t have much extra time.
He remembers there’s a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he’s back on his way.
A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.
“Hello again, Sir,” the barber says. “What can I do for you?”
“Oh, I’d like another haircut, but I’m awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?”
“Of course,” says the barber. “Anything you want. Take a seat.”
The businessman sits down.
“So what would you like?” asks the barber.
“Well, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.
For my mustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitler’s.
Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.
I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.
Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.
When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.
Blend the sides in, but don’t blend in the back.
And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.”
The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.
“I can’t do all that!” he says.
“Why not?” the businessman asks. “That’s what you did last time.”
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Let’s go to Dunkin!
We need more hole foods!
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Two kids were discussing their back to school sets.
Kid 1: “I have a pen that can write underwater.”
Kid 2: “Wow really?!”
Kid 1: “Yep. It can write other words, too.”
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What happened to the man that stole an advent calendar?
He got 25 days.
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When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
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Akpos: “Why are all these people running?”
Man: “This is a race, the winner will get the cup.”
Akpos: “If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?”
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I am sweating like an igloo in an oven.
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Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
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Why is the moon so grumpy?
It’s just going through one of its phases.
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A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.
The bartender immediately tells them, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food here.”
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One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”
Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”
“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”
The very next day, her grandpa died.
That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.
Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.
The very next day, Sally’s grandma died.
That night, when Sally said “Good night Mom, goodbye Dad”, Sally’s dad began to panic. He knew this couldn’t just be a coincidence.
So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.
Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.
He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.
“Oh, it was just awful!” she replied. “The Milkman died!”
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Why did the circus lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
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What is the definition of overcast?
When Harry Potter messes up a spell.
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Yo mama so fat Obi-Wan Kenobi said “That’s no moon—that’s Yo mama!”.
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I asked Alexa if she was considering running for President, but she said she was better suited for Speaker of the House.
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What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?
Heaven ice day!
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Dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused severe pain to-ma-toes.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No ideer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no ideer.
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What’s the best thing to play a bass guitar with?
A razor blade.
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