On Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy...
Getting up off the floor is another story.
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A blind man walks into a bar...
And a wall, and a tree, and a cactus.
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A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview.
The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.
The first one asks, “Who do you think the best soccer player in the world is?”
The smart guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.
The second interviewer asks, “When did the phone come out?”
The smart guy replies, “The first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Do you believe in UFOs?”
The smart guy replies, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers, and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.
Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasn’t that bright so the first one asked, “Who is your father?”
The dumb guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.”
The second interview asks, “When were you born?”
He replied, “I came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Are you dumb?”
The dumb guy says, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
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What do you call a triumphant procession held by the bowling pins?
A perfect strike.
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What do you call a bird that’s afraid of heights?
A chicken.
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My wife said, “Did you know butterflies only live for one day?”
I said, “That’s a myth.”
She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”
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Why do java coders wear glasses?
Because they don’t C#.
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A few weeks ago, I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.
They arrived today, safe and sound.
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Yo mama is so old she trained Yada’s master in the force!
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Why did everybody think the cowboy was so funny?
Because he was always horsing around.
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What do you call a pencil with two erasers?
Pointless.
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I hope you like veggies cause I love you from my head tomatoes.
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What did the angry witch do while riding her broom?
She flew off the handle.
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Why do people hate to shave off their beards?
They’re naturally attached to it.
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You make me hap-pea.
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What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
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How many registered nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they’ll delegate it to the nursing assistants, but they’ll check the vital signs just in case.
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Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
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Yo mama so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!
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Next time someone complains about Millennials, remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hard-wood floors.
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