A guy goes to see a doctor.
Guy: “Doc, I have a kingdom of ants inside my butt, and these be killing me, what can we do?”
Doc: “Get a watermelon, sit on it, once the ant king gets a taste, he’ll call his friends to join him out.”
And sure enough our guy does as instructed, after hours of watermelon sitting, the ant king comes out for a little taste.
The ant king: “BOYS, BRING IT IN!”
😄 😄 😄
On 4 July, what do you get when you put a photo of America in a locket?
Then it becomes in-da-pendant.
😄 😄 😄
What does a hungry math teacher like to eat?
A square meal.
😄 😄 😄
Math, the only world where you can buy 140 watermelons without your motives being questioned.
😄 😄 😄
The best way to find a Puerto Rican?
Turn off the music and listen for the complaints.
😄 😄 😄
A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
They celebrate it in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.
The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, “Isn’t it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?”
The wife replies saying, “Yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here without clothes,” with a naughty voice.
Both don’t doubt for a moment and they take off their clothes. They sit back down at the table giggling.
The wife says, “You know honey, even my mamillae are just as hot as 50 years ago.”
“No wonder,” the man replies, “one of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!”
😄 😄 😄
I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
😄 😄 😄
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
😄 😄 😄
I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, “Don’t do that again.”
“Sorry,” I said, “It must be the nerves.”
“Fair enough,” he replied, “But there was no need to hold the microphone to your ass.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue crayon say to the green crayon?
“You’re green-crayon me!”
😄 😄 😄
In your 20s: dress like you’re on the catwalk!
In your 40s: dress like you walk cats.
😄 😄 😄
I learn a lot in meetings.
For instance, did you know that by bending a paper clip once, you can make a pretty cool ‘S’?
😄 😄 😄
What did one ghost say to the other?
Get a life!
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma’s so ugly she makes a Gammorrean seem like an attractive date.
😄 😄 😄
I went to the gym to work out, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.
Technically, they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.
😄 😄 😄
Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?
Like, I was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me “Hey! Watch It!”.
😄 😄 😄
Programming is 10% writing code.
And 90% understanding why it’s not working.
😄 😄 😄
From now on, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.
It’s a solid plan.
😄 😄 😄
I’m writing a book about reverse psychology.
Please don’t buy it.
😄 😄 😄
The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.
The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.
The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.
Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping her temples.
The Scarecrow says, “What’s the matter with you guys?”
😄 😄 😄
