What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
Toot-and-come-in.
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Why didn’t the man want a spring mattress?
Because it was still winter.
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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
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What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
“April Fool! I’m not really dead!”
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My barber wanted me to sign a long-term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused.
I couldn’t accept all those perms and conditions.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owls.”
“Owls, who?”
“You’re right; tawny owls do hoot.”
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Your mama’s so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
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When you work from home, a Tuesday looks pretty much like a Saturday.
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What day do eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
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I used to own a raven. It could speak English.
But the only word it could speak was “car”.
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Why aren’t people in recovery good dancers?
They lose interest after twelve steps.
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Why did the apple stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.
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A guy is sitting outside on a bench eating a burger when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.
She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him, “You know, a cow died somewhere, so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?”
As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies, “It’s a shame for sure, but maybe if you weren’t eating its food, that cow might have lived.”
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Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
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What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
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Why did Spider-Man flush the toilet?
Because it was his duty!
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The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidentally been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot.
They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered...
Neil before Zod.
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Yo mama so ugly when she watches TV the channels change themselves.
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So, what’s the speed of dark?
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When Mario collects coins with his cap in Super Mario Odissey...
You for sure know he is very cappytalistic.
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