I saw a 50% off sign on a sushi restaurant today.
Sounds fishy to me.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend told me I care more about my programming job than about her.
I told her she is the #1 thing I care about.
😄 😄 😄
911 operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: “Hi, I need to report a kidnapping. My son is taking a nap in my room right now.”
😄 😄 😄
Are you Wi-Fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
😄 😄 😄
I’m going to take you out for a morning walk.
Whether you’re sleeping or not!
😄 😄 😄
It’s so cold, your false teeth chatter, and they are still in the glass.
😄 😄 😄
I can’t stop my mushroom from leaning.
I think I need some morel support.
😄 😄 😄
An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum.
“Spare some loose change?” asks the bum.
“And why should I do that?” asks the accountant.
“Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.
“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”
😄 😄 😄
Where do late sailors come from?
Missed-his-shippi.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Oakham.”
“Oakham, who?”
“Oakham all ye faithful…”
😄 😄 😄
I bought a gold-scented candle and burned it.
It had a very rich aroma.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so cold, I chipped my tooth on my soup.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris was a kid, he entered a pool bombing competition.
This place now widely known as the Niagara Falls.
😄 😄 😄
How many Mcdonald’s workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they can’t climb the ladder.
😄 😄 😄
The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice, a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old her birth certificate says “Expired”.
😄 😄 😄
A blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the blue alien that landed on Earth?
He had an out of this world.
😄 😄 😄
What sort of racehorses come out after dark?
Night-mares.
😄 😄 😄
