A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.
The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock.
About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.
“What?! I dunno buddy, call the damn Coast Guard!” and he slams the phone down.
He goes to the living room and resumes reading the newspaper.
His wife looks over at him nervously and asks what the call was about, and the husband replies “Pfft, some moron calling to ask if the coast is clear.”
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Yo mama so fat Cupid’s arrows couldn’t pierce her.
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An electrician is a bright spark who knows what’s watt.
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I don’t want to be Spider-Man, I just want to be your man.
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No one seems to want to help me look for my missing Greek lettuce.
They keep telling me it’s a lost cos.
😄 😄 😄
What is a DnD cleric’s favorite car manufacturer?
Ford, because I’ve never seen a cleric without their focus.
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What do you get when a giant steps on a house?
Mush-rooms.
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Yo momma so fat she can’t reach her back pocket.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch.
He decides what time it is.
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What happened to the Elf on the Shelf who met a skunk?
He became elfully stinky!
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It’s so hot Siri asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water.
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It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, “Order!”
So I replied, “Fried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.”
Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.
😄 😄 😄
I am half Spider-Man, half Batman, and half Moon Knight...
Poor.
With no powers.
With mental disorders.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man spin webs?
Because he doesn’t know how to knit.
😄 😄 😄
They say it’s good luck for a seagull to poo on you.
It is, for the seagull, obviously, not for you.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend?
A PayDay.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the grape go to school?
To become a little wine-y!
😄 😄 😄
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
😄 😄 😄
My racehorse’s name is Mayo. Sometimes, Mayo neighs.
😄 😄 😄
How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama?
One Mississippi.
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