What do you get when you put an Undead in a bath?
Soup.
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My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation.
“If they could live here all those years, so can we!” my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.
After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.
“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”
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I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her.
She replied, “This jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.”
I said, “Okay, how about in the fridge?”
She said, “No, silly, there’s a little light inside.”
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My mother-in-law just asked for bath stuff for her birthday.
She seemed unimpressed with the toaster I bought her.
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I made a mistake at a philosophy conference.
They asked me for a lecture on Daoism, but I misunderstood. I talked about filial piety and deference to superiors instead.
I apologized for the Confucian.
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It was hot today and when I went outside I saw a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers.
I thought to myself, “Such a lovely day to have a barber queue.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Irish.”
“Irish, who?”
“Irish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner!”
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Did you hear that I won the Thanksgiving turkey cookoff?
You butterball-ieve it.
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My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.
However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it’s an auto-biography.
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It’s so hot that firecrackers light themselves.
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What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?
They’re both pointless.
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I just found out that the UK doesn’t have a kidney bank.
But at least it has a Liverpool.
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Yo daddy so fat when he goes camping, the bears hide THEIR food.
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You’re so sweet you must be made out of chocolate.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl good things come to those who wait.”
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What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
“It’s Christmas, Eve!”
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
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Why didn’t the vampire bite Taylor Swift?
Because she had bad blood.
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Why was the math book sad on National Pi Day?
Because it had too many problems.
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What do you call a hammer bought on April 1st?
April tool.
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