You so ugly your mum ran up the stairs of the hospital when you were born and jumped off the roof.
😄 😄 😄
Employee: “Your careers page says the company offers a competitive salary. What does that mean exactly?”
HR: “That means your salary will be competing with your bills.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
Dude sold his soul to Santa.
😄 😄 😄
I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
😄 😄 😄
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
😄 😄 😄
My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.
It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
😄 😄 😄
Which actor is now being quarantined for swine flu?
Kevin Bacon.
😄 😄 😄
What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?
Keep trying until you get a reaction.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a computer covered in fruit chunks?
A pineApple Mac.
😄 😄 😄
Britain’s most common owl?
The teatowel.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a watermelon with broccoli?
A melon-coli snack.
😄 😄 😄
Didn’t Snoop Dogg change his name?
Or was Snoop Lyin’?!
😄 😄 😄
A gun company has been criticised after bringing out a pistol covered in Lego.
The manufacturer says it’s perfectly safe, unless you step on it in bare feet.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid she made an appointment with Dr Pepper.
😄 😄 😄
I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I’m working.
😄 😄 😄
A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don’t swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it.
Because seeing is believing.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t Romans find algebra interesting?
X is always 10.
😄 😄 😄
My wife just now: “Do men’s ears actually work, or are they just for decoration?”
Me: “What?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of all the jokes.
😄 😄 😄
