Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.
The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.
All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
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I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.
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Did you hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he’s a whywolf.
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How did the 30-year-old gardener celebrate their birthday?
By receiving a thirtree as a gift!
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Baby Yoda’s first word...
Probably came after his second word.
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Your head is so big that when it rains, your body never gets wet.
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She: “I cheated on you.”
He: “Me too.”
She: “April, 1.”
He: “March, 20.”
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A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.
I don’t know if they will be well received...
Remains to be seen.
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On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.
A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing New York Rangers’ jerseys aboard.
One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side, while the other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Canadiens fan out of the water. Then, using baseball bats, the three heroes in blue beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat as well.
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
“I give you my blessing for your brave actions,” he told them. “I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Rangers and Canadiens fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth.”
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, “Who was that?”
“It was the Pope,” one replied. “He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom.”
“Well,” the harpooner said, “he may have access to God’s wisdom, but he knows nothing about shark fishing... How’s the bait holding up?”
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy bear.
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What do you call a row of trucks hauling nachos?
A cheesy pickup line.
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Three Indian commandos were out in the Iraqi desert.
“I understand that you, Indians, have brought your own indigenous survival equipment,” ventured their captain.
“Sir, I have brought an entire barrel cactus,” said the Pima guy proudly. “When I get too hot, I just cut off the top and take a drink.”
The captain looked impressed.
Not to be outdone, the Pueblo guy said, “Sir, I have brought the sacred corn pollen. When I get too hot, I pray with it, and then it rains.”
The captain looked even more impressed.
Not to be outdone, the Pawnee guy said, “I brought a car door off a 1959 Chevy Impala.”
“Why would you do that?” the captain asked.
“Well,” said the Pawnee guy, “when I get too hot, I just roll down the window.”
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I said to my doctor, “I wake up thinking I’m a penguin, and by the end of the day I believe I’m an arctic fox.”
He told me I was bipolar.
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Yo mama so stupid she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
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What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?
Sick and twisted.
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Good morning!
Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Anita.”
“Anita, who?”
“Anita piece of that birthday cake!”
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Marriage is a workshop, where man works and woman shops.
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I said to my kid, “Someone just told me that you’re acting like an owl.”
My son: “Who?”
Me: “Exactly.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Uriah.”
“Uriah, who?”
“Keep Uriah on the birthday cake, it’s about to be lit!”
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