Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park.
It reminded me of my teenage days.
When I used to see other teenagers make out in the park.
😄 😄 😄
How does Uranus apologize for being late?
It blames it on its orbit.
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Why did the feminist fail algebra?
She couldn’t solve inequalities.
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Did you know that China has a policy where a certain amount of pandas must live in the country?
To be fair, it’s the bear minimum.
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I signed up for yoga, and our new instructor is awesome.
She really bends over backwards for us.
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Was drinking a milkshake.
Me: “Dammit, I think there’s a hole in the side of my straw.”
Dad: “You think that’s bad?! Mine’s got one at the top and one at the bottom.”
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What do you call a slow learner born at the beginning of August?
A leotard.
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Ole and Lena went fishing one day on a rented boat and were catching fish like crazy.
Lena said, “We better mark this spot so we can come back tomorrow and catch more fish.”
Ole then proceeded to mark the bottom of the boat with a large “X”.
Lena asked him what he was doing, and Ole told her he was marking the spot so they could come back to catch more fish.
Lena said, “You big dummy, how do you know we are going to get the same boat tomorrow?”
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My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel.
I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me.
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A teenage boy asks a girl out to prom and she says yes.
So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there’s a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo.
Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there’s a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo.
On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes go by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building!
So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, “Hey can you get us some punch?”
So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what?
There’s no punch-line.
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An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
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Why do fat people cause earthquakes?
Because they’re always moving plates.
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King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him.
But the witch demanded a young, handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her.
On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa.
Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that.
The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body.
She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him.
The moral of the story is, no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.
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I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
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What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G.
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Bad news: The lovely architect down my street has passed away.
Good news: His coffin looks super cool.
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Stephen Hawking’s death was purely accidental.
He clicked “shut down” instead of “sleep.”
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What do gymnasts use to season their food in June, July, and August?
Somersault.
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I bought a boat, and named it “The Unpaid Intern”.
So now I tell people I have an unpaid intern-ship.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Nicholas.”
“Nicholas, who?”
“Nicholas half as much as a dime.”
😄 😄 😄
