Why couldnβt the Forsaken get across the road?
Because he didnβt have any guts.
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My husband started working from home this week and is set up at the kitchen table so he sees me and the cats repeatedly coming in for snacks, and finally says, βSo you guys just eat all day, huh?β
He does NOT understand our office culture and I donβt think heβs fitting in at all.
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What do you call alien eggs?
Eggstra-terrestrials!
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Black people are really fast...
Itβs a race thing.
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You are so fat when you walk with your friends it looks like they are orbiting you.
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Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.
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I love my motorcycle, itβs great for getting to the front of queues quicker.
It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.
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What do you call an alien that lives in a bog?
A marsh-in!
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If vegetarians eat vegetables... what do humanitarians eat?
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You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?
Diabetes.
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If an elf canβt do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
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Boy: βIβm a superhero. Guess my name?β
Girl: βIron Man? Spider-Man?β
Boy: βYourman!β
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My kid has a stuffed alpaca toy.
I call it her Dolly Llama.
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What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
Toot-and-come-in.
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Why didnβt the man want a spring mattress?
Because it was still winter.
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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. βShe must be a poor old fool,β he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After heβs paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, βSo how many have you caught today?β The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, βYouβre the eighth.β
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What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
βApril Fool! Iβm not really dead!β
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My barber wanted me to sign a long-term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused.
I couldnβt accept all those perms and conditions.
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βOwls.β
βOwls, who?β
βYouβre right; tawny owls do hoot.β
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Your mamaβs so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
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