Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy and says, “I tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”
Murphy asks, “Ave yer got vertigo?”
Paddy replies, “No, I only live round the corner.”
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I bought a life-size 3D model of plankton from SpongeBob.
4 days later I got an empty box full of bubble wrap.
I still don’t know where plankton is.
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Why do people ignore filled donuts?
Because they are just full of themselves.
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What do they have for breakfast in earthquake zones?
Panquakes.
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What do a fine wine and Chelsea F.C. have in common?
They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.
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How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take away its chair.
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Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
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What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
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My kids are the sunshine of my life.
Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.
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I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday.
I couldn’t see any.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Not as old as.”
“Not as old as, who?”
“Still not as old as you!”
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Flight attendant: “Do we have a doctor on board?”
Me: “I have a PhD in mathematics.”
Flight attendant: “One passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack.”
Me (nodding): “That makes two.”
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No need to Apollo-gize, I know you didn’t moon what you said!
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If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, even Google won’t be able to find you.
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What is Tiger Woods’ spirit animal?
I don’t know, but his wife said he was a cheetah.
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Teacher: “John, show us where North America is.”
John: “Here it is.”
Teacher: “Good! Now, class, who discovered North America?”
Class: “John!”
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Happy 30th, the age where society expects us to have our life together, but we’re still figuring out how to fold a fitted sheet.
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Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1. Crimes
2. Accidents
3. Marriages
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A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.
Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.
Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.
“Well”, said the teacher, “the first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”
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Yep, that’s one of the reasons why I’m so popular.
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