My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
“She obviously has COVID,” my wife said.
“Why?” I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, “Because she has no taste.”
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“Am I mentioned in the will?” the nephew asked anxiously.
“You certainly are,” replied the lawyer. “Right here in the third paragraph, your uncle says: To my niece Sarah, I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars, to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars, and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say ‘Hi, Charles’.”
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A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked him to death.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line!”
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
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My friend said he wanted to start feeling more blue.
So I gave him a bottle of blue-cation.
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Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes, and you have to smear them with avocado?
I really suck at guac-a-mole.
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A Karen boards the plane for her trip to Paris. She decides to take a seat in first class even though her ticket is in economy.
The first flight attendant politely asks her to transfer to her seat in coach.
The Karen smugly replies, “I am travelling to Paris, and I will sit wherever I please.”
The second flight attendant approaches her sternly and demands that she move to coach to take her proper seat.
The Karen responds by shouting loudly, “I am going to Paris, and I will sit wherever I damn well please!”
The most senior flight attendant then approaches the Karen, bends down and whispers something in her ear.
The Karen immediately jumps up and shouts, “Well, why didn’t you say so sooner?!” and storms off to her seat in coach.
Surprised, the first flight attendant asked what he whispered, to which the senior flight attendant replies, “We’ve just checked, and someone is sitting in your economy seat.”
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What do you call someone who likes Easter but doesn’t believe in the Easter Bunny?
Eggnostic.
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What did the first egg tell the second egg when it didn’t make it on time?
Omelette.
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Coffee is the reason I get up every morning.
But it’s the hope of annoying you that keeps me going.
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What do you call an otter who has yams in both of his ears?
It doesn’t matter, he can’t hear you.
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A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said:
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
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A North Korean soldier runs across the DMZ and yells to the US Army, “Kim Jong Un is an idiot!”
And gets thrown in a labor camp for 16 years by the government.
1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and the other 15 for revealing a state secret.
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You have a message, wake up, lazybones!
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Yo mama’s so fat she crashed the Fortnite servers.
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Last year on Mother’s Day we had a big family get-together.
Afterwards my Mom starting getting ready to do the dishes.
Of course I couldn’t let her do that on her special day.
I said, “Leave the dishes, Mom. You can always do them tomorrow.”
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What is the common thing between an entrepreneur and a suicide bomber?
Do the job well on the first try and they are set for life.
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I’m very familiar with paranormal activity.
I keep getting ghosted.
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President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.
Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
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How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?
Juans upon a time.
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