My family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.
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Pharmacists find their work to be very encapsulating.
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Did you know that according to 911 choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a “bear attack”.
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What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?
Space Opera.
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The mathematician served something special for dessert. Guess what?
It was a pi.
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What kind of bar is kid-friendly?
A chocolate bar.
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A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a Buddhist monk on the other side.
There are no bridges. He has no boat.
He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank, “How do I get to the other side?”
The Buddhist monk shouts back, “You are on the other side!”
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What does the moon like to have on its toast?
Space Jam!
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“Ice cream every time I see a ghost!”
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What do you call a guy who’s laying down in front of a door?
Matt.
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On Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy...
Getting up off the floor is another story.
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What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?
“Easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.”
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Get up, your coffee needs you.
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What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?
Both demand you respect them, but don’t want to follow the same rules as you.
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One day you can be a morning person, but today is not that day.
It’s the afternoon.
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They say Uranus is a real gas giant…
And I have to agree!
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Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun look like Antarctica.
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Yo sister so fat she has two watches, one for each time zone she’s in.
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Why do elves laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
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Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
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