I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today.
The box said “WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken”.
I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box...
😄 😄 😄
Dating me is like IKEA furniture.
Not well put together, slightly unstable but just aesthetic enough to show your friends.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short you can swing your legs when you sit on a stool.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve just started to read a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
😄 😄 😄
Why did America fail to save the world from coronavirus?
Thor is in Asgard.
Iron Man died.
Captain is now old.
Hulk doesn’t have much power.
The rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona.
And China ate Spider-Man and Batman.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Goofy feel sad for his calendar?
He heard its days were numbered.
😄 😄 😄
I stopped drinking water while studying chemistry.
My notes say adding water decreases concentration.
😄 😄 😄
I told my coworker I was going to wear a blue shirt to work.
And he said he was going to wear his blue-suit-of-armor.
😄 😄 😄
What happens to corny jokesters who get jailed on April Fools’ Day?
They go to the pun-itentiary.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a Software Engineer with an English teacher?
A programmar.
😄 😄 😄
What is the TAB called by aborigines?
The Koori Bank.
😄 😄 😄
What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?
I come in pieces.
😄 😄 😄
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a Buddhist monk on the other side.
There are no bridges. He has no boat.
He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank, “How do I get to the other side?”
The Buddhist monk shouts back, “You are on the other side!”
😄 😄 😄
I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
😄 😄 😄
People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it.
😄 😄 😄
As a comedian, I see no point in going on stage.
They’re just going to laugh at me.
😄 😄 😄
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
😄 😄 😄
An ant approaches an elephant and asks, “Would you like to play?”
“Sure,” replies the elephant.
“So, what’s your favorite game?” the ant inquires.
“Squash,” says the elephant.
😄 😄 😄
Why is a panda the most dangerous animal in the animal kingdom?
Because the panda eats shoots and leaves.
😄 😄 😄
