A guy is sitting outside on a bench eating a burger when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.
She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him, “You know, a cow died somewhere, so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?”
As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies, “It’s a shame for sure, but maybe if you weren’t eating its food, that cow might have lived.”
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Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
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What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
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Why did Spider-Man flush the toilet?
Because it was his duty!
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The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidentally been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot.
They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered...
Neil before Zod.
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Yo mama so ugly when she watches TV the channels change themselves.
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So, what’s the speed of dark?
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When Mario collects coins with his cap in Super Mario Odissey...
You for sure know he is very cappytalistic.
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Babe, guess what would look good on you?
Me.
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first and the redhead second.
The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and a drink she said, “I don’t want to complain, but I’m pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.”
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What’s Uranus’ favorite accessory?
A gas mask.
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What’s worse than having a big nose?
Having a big nose and tiny hands!
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The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
“Ma’am,” said the employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.”
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, “So that’s why no one was in church today...”
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I bought a chessboard cake from the baker’s today.
I took one bite and said, “It’s stale, mate.”
He seemed surprised and said, “No, mate.”
I handed it to him and said, “Check mate.”
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When it gets to January, I’m going to overthrow the Government!
It’ll be my New Year’s Revolution.
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How do people know Taylor Swift had a breakup?
Because she releases a whole album about it.
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What do they call a group of werewolves?
We’rewolves.
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You are my Soil-mate!
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The guy goes into a pub.
He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.
The barman says, “Why are you not drinking the other three pints?”
He says, “Doctors orders.”
“What do you mean by that?” asks the barman.”
“I am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.”
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Alert, alert!
The most wonderful human on earth is about to wake up!
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