What’s something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?
A family member giving you the bird.
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I smiled right after getting up.
I think I dislocated my face.
Good morning!
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How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?
All of them, evidently.
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Did you know that you only need two letters to spell panda?
You just need P and A.
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Why do Troy State students have such beautiful noses?
They’re hand picked.
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My pet turtle died.
I’m not upset—just shell-shocked.
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Which one of Santa’s helpers visits mermaids?
The Elf on the Shelfish.
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What do you have against some people?
Well… for example, knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenades…
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A brief rise in suicide is related to the Covid pandemic.
Murderers are working from home.
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I tell you, my wife is a lousy cook.
After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth, I count them!
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How did the data scientist get his girlfriend to become an attractive model?
By training her.
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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.
The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”
The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.
The officer says, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”
The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.
The officer says, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”
Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”
The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.
He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.
With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.
Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.
Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically, and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”
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How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
Nun.
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The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.
He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Anna.”
“Anna, who?”
“Anna partridge in a pear tree.”
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Yo momma so fat she prevents ships from going to hyperspace.
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It just seems that lately nobody really notices all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort I put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much I try to ‘get in the spotlight’ and display my art, people seem to just pass it by and go on like they haven’t even noticed it, not even giving it a glance or a moments thought.
I’m in a rut right now. Its hard to stay motivated and creative when all the hard work goes unnoticed, despite the pay being good.
For those wondering, I design camouflage.
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What does CHEVY stand for?
Can Hear Every Valve Yell.
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Memo from Director-General to Manager:
Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes.
As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park.
Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information.
Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes.
For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director-General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director-General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse.
This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.
This will be safe if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director-General will eclipse the sun for two minutes.
This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director-General disappear.
It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.
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Why did the unlucky bearded man shave?
Because fortune favors the shave!
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