After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.
Murphy objected, “If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!”
“What do you think we are, stupid?” Declan replied, “We’ll send our
man at night!”
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John thought he could never catch an illness.
When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly”.
A few months later, it finally happened.
The swine flu.
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Can a dog jump higher than a house?
Well, duh. Houses can’t jump.
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The physics student asks to go to the bathroom. Professor asks, “Liquid, Solid or Gas?”
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A blonde buys two horses and she can’t tell them apart.
So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off.
So she does. But then the other horse’s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.
So she can’t tell them apart again.
She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses’ ears.
So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused.
She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.
She comes back and says, “The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!”
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I’ve tried calling Stephen Hawking many times.
I keep getting his answering machine.
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Spider-Man likes toy tops because they are always spinning.
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How many bass guitarists do you need to change a lightbulb?
One. But the guitarist has to show him how to do it first.
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I’m not saying I’m a bad cook.
But how long does pasta stay in the toaster?
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My wife rang me at work on Valentine’s Day.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received bunches of flowers. They’re absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve been sent flowers then.”
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Your mama so dumb she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.
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Spider-Man became a vigilante.
Meanwhile, Aunt May became a vigil auntie.
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Why do people ignore filled donuts?
Because they are just full of themselves.
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What is the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Their seasoning.
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Why did Dracula become a vegetarian?
Because his doctor said steaks were bad for his heart.
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My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it’s literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
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Light can be measured, and so can sound.
Smell can also be measured, by scentimeters.
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Did you hear about the sky that fell?
It turned the whole world blue.
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What’s the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
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Yo mamma’s so fat she can’t go to a spaceport because x-wings keep trying to land on her back.
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