I decided to make a witty perfume.
My colleague said the most important component should be the scents of humor.
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What do you call a slow learner born at the beginning of August?
A leotard.
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I asked Alexa if she was considering running for President, but she said she was better suited for Speaker of the House.
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It’s always coming but never comes, can you guess what it is?
Tomorrow.
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It’s the cold and flu time of year.
Or, as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.
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Why did the Pinterest user bring a ladder to the computer?
They wanted to reach the highest pinspiration.
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Where are bearded prisoners sent?
The Gilette-ine.
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I guess your parents are bakers.
Because they made such a cutie pie!
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My son’s has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he’s eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He’s full of surprises.
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Why didn’t the barber ask the question about beards?
He was shaving it for later.
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An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed in the opposite direction.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”
Likewise, the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”
The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.”
The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”
So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.
He says to the Marine, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”
The Marine replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap, and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, “Your turn!”
The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine, and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
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I’m on medication for my Pokémon Go addiction.
Gotacachemol.
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NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts.
“Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon.”
“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”
“Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red.”
“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”
“Houston, we have a problem. Half of the moon is painted red and they continue.”
“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”
“Houston, we have a problem. Whole moon is now red.”
“Now is our time! Open compartment 3B/C, it contains white paint. And start painting: Coca-Cola.”
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Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet.
But most have just four.
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I’ve decided to stop going to my doctor now I’ve found out he’s into astrology.
I went to get the results of a scan and all he had to say was “I’ve consulted your chart and I can see Cancer is rising in Uranus”.
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You know you’re getting old when a lady wants you to pay for her implants.
She means dental implants.
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How does Shrek like his eggs?
Ogre easy.
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Why do moths like the light?
Because if they liked the dark they’d be goths.
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Girlfriend: “I’m sorry, babe, but I’ve cheated on you.”
Boyfriend: “I’m sorry as well, I have also cheated on you.”
Girlfriend: “April Fools’ Day!”
Boyfriend: “Mine was on 24th March.”
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Yo mama so fat she wears two watches, one for each time zone she’s in.
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