You so ugly on Halloween someone said, “Scary costume!”
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The baby blue eyes were coldly warm.
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Why can’t violins finish a crossword puzzle?
Because violins never solved anything.
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My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
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What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business?
Amazon Web Services.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Coal.”
“Coal, who?”
“Coal me when Santa’s on his way.”
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A Muslim man told his wife that she needed to start embracing her mistakes.
So she gave him a hug.
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You’re so fat you got stuck when you dove into the Grand Canyon.
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He’s a blue-chip investment for any company.
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I hate early mornings, but I love waking you up.
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How does a demon workout?
He exorcises.
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Your mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest they said "Sorry, no professionals".
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I tried to dye my dog’s hair blue.
But I guess he was blue-ish.
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When the history teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said:
“Need Tudoring?”
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What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?
Tai Wan Shu.
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What were Stephen Hawking’s last words?
“Error 404. File not found.”
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How is a colonoscopy like reading a book?
Once you reach the appendix, you’re done.
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Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
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Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.”
Dispatcher: “Do you have an address?”
Caller: “No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?”
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Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
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