In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
When it graduates from medical school.
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What farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
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What ever happened to the Fried Shrimp emoji?
It was tempurary.
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Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position.
But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
There’s more geese on that side.
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I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.
I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.
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To her credit, the registered nurse that prepped my father for his vasectomy was very gentle and pretty sure she didn’t mean to be unkind.
But he didn’t think it was very nice of her to say, “Just a little prick, sir.”
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What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Ouch!
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I’m thinking of switching my major to geology.
I think I’d do well because I keep discovering a new rock bottom.
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What’s an alien’s favorite treat?
Martian-mallows!
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An interviewer met a couple of Liverpool supporters at the pub the other night.
“Do you often go to Anfield?” the interviewer asked.
“Yeah, of course!” they said. “We’ve found the perfect way. Ten minutes after kick-off, we climb over a fence!”
“That sounds great,” the interviewer replied.
“Yeah, but last week we were caught and had to sit down and watch the rest of the game,” replied one of the fans.
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Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics!
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What did the sign on the baker’s door read when she wanted to be alone?
Donut disturb.
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It is hotter than jalapenos and spice on rye.
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Did you know that Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift’s relationship is over after just three months because he wanted it to be more public?
Guess she wanted it to be more Loki.
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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?
Smurf poop.
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How did the cowboy save so much money?
His horse gave him a couple of bucks every day.
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What disorder will Spider-Man get as he ages?
Peter Parkinsons.
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Got a B in my computer programming class.
Call that a C++.
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I may be short, but short people can wear heels, ugly just can’t be fixed.
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Boyfriend: “I’d really like to have enough money to buy a white tiger!”
Girlfriend: “What on Earth would you do with a white tiger?!”
Boyfriend: “Who said I’d get a white tiger? I just want that much money!”
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