What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
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If you get kissed by an alpaca, it’s not the end of the world.
It’s the alpaca-lips.
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Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.
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Why was Uranus always mad?
Because it was the butt of everyone’s jokes.
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Why was the burger sad?
Because he had the blue cheese.
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My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients.
I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
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A fly just fell into my butter.
Now it’s a butterfly.
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Paddy has just correctly answered the £500,000 question on “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire”.
He has only one question standing between him and the £1m jackpot.
Presenter: “Which of these birds does not live in a nest?
A) Thrush
B) Kestrel
C) Blue Tit
D) Cuckoo”
Paddy has one lifeline left – phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub.
Murphy agrees and immediately shouts, “It’s a cuckoo!”
Paddy goes with that answer and wins the jackpot.
That evening, Paddy was round at Murphy’s bar celebrating.
He turns to Murphy and says, “Murphy, how did you know that cuckoos don’t live in a nest?”
Murphy answers, “That’s the easiest question you could have had! Everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!”
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A company manager is flying across the desert in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost.
He calls down to a man riding a camel below him and asks where he is.
The man replies, “You’re 42 degrees and 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north, 122 degrees, 10 minutes west, 212 meters above sea level, heading due east by northeast.”
“Thanks,” replies the balloonist. “By the way, are you a data analyst?”
“Yes,” replies the man, “how did you know?”
“Everything you told me was totally accurate, you gave me way more information than I needed and I still have no idea what I need to do.”
“I’m sorry,” replied the camel-riding analyst. “By the way, are you a company manager?”
“Yes,” said the balloonist, “how did you know?”
“Well,” replied the analyst, “You’ve got no idea where you are, no idea what direction you’re heading in, you got yourself into this fix by blowing a load of hot air, and now you expect me to get you out of it.”
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Kim Jong Un has promised a new clear future for North Korea.
Oops! Spelled ‘nuclear’ wrong.
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What does a snail wear to go dancing?
Escargogo boots.
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As a child, a lot of kids would shove things up their noses.
Did you use a bowling ball that they never got out again?
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Son: “Dad, have you seen “The Matrix”?”
Dad: “Is that the sequel to April Fools?”
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A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell.
At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left, and he isn’t looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning.
He comes up with a labor-saving solution: Next to the bin where his melons are carefully arranged, he places a large sign saying “ONE OF THESE IS POISONED”.
Reassured, he goes home to sleep.
In the morning, he comes back to find that someone has written on his sign “Now there are two”.
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An orchestra conductor calls 911, “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”
The 911 operator says, “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”
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Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
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My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
“She obviously has COVID,” my wife said.
“Why?” I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, “Because she has no taste.”
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“Am I mentioned in the will?” the nephew asked anxiously.
“You certainly are,” replied the lawyer. “Right here in the third paragraph, your uncle says: To my niece Sarah, I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars, to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars, and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say ‘Hi, Charles’.”
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A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked him to death.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line!”
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
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