How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
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Your ears are so big your parents put you on the roof to see which way the wind is blowing.
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Did you hear about the American Indian who died from drinking too much tea?
He drowned in his own tepee.
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I wanted to ask Spider-Man to connect my TV, but I couldn’t find Maguire.
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The thing people overlook most of the time is their noses.
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What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody nose.
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Yo momma’s so old she changed Yoda’s first diaper.
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Why did the lawyer keep bringing popcorn to the courtroom?
They wanted to be a salty attorney.
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Yo mama so small she has to wear a torn napkin as a dress.
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What did the mom say when her kid dropped their hot dog?
It could always be wurst!
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Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.
The landlady said to me, “We charge twenty pounds a night—bed and breakfast—or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.”
“Oh, all right,” I said, “I’ll make the bed.”
And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.
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The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father’s firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father’s office and said, “Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you’ve been working on for so long!”
His father yelled, “You idiot! We’ve been living on the funding of that case for ten years!”
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When Chuck Norris looks into the mirror it breaks because nobody gets between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
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Why did the eyeglasses walk into the classroom quietly?
They didn’t want to make a spectacle.
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There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
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Bula decides it’s time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.
Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.
After a year, at the New Year’s Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.
Johnny: “Well, how’s the business going?”
Bula: “Bad brother, sorry about everything!”
Johnny: “Why?”
Bula: “I don’t have any chickens anymore!”
Johnny: “Good god, why?”
Bula: “If I know, I think I’m doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or don’t water them enough, but one doesn’t raise the hen.”
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What’s the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?
It is possible that UFOs exist.
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What did the client say when they saw the final ad concept?
“Can we make the logo bigger?”
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What did Bruce Banner say to Spider-Man?
Don’t bug me!
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How does Uranus apologize for being late?
It blames it on its orbit.
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