I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so ugly she made One Direction go in another direction.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Noah.”
“Noah, who?”
“Noah better way to wish you a happy birthday!”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?
He was always afraid he was following someone.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Possum.”
“Possum, who?”
“Possum gravy on my potatoes.”
😄 😄 😄
Apparently NASA are extremely tired of all of the jokes that are made about Uranus so they decided to rename it to Urectum.
😄 😄 😄
What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
😄 😄 😄
A male driver is pulled over by a cop.
Man: “What’s the problem, officer?”
Cop: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you were going 80.”
Cop: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”
Cop: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”
Man: “Shut your mouth, woman!”
Cop: “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?”
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water?
Dolphout.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so stupid she yelled into an envelope because she wanted to send a voicemail.
😄 😄 😄
Son: “Mom! Mom! The mean kids keep saying I have big ears!”
Mom: “Oh really? I’ll talk to them. Where are they?”
Son: “In the next town over!”
😄 😄 😄
Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.
😄 😄 😄
Why do registered nurses bring a red crayon to work?
In case, they have to draw blood.
😄 😄 😄
I’ll just say “morning” because a good morning would be much later on a Saturday.
😄 😄 😄
How did the data scientist get his girlfriend to become an attractive model?
By training her.
😄 😄 😄
I wanted to ask Spider-Man to connect my TV, but I couldn’t find Maguire.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
Dude sold his soul to Santa.
😄 😄 😄
How do you repair a broken jack o’ lantern?
Use a pumpkin patch.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!”
😄 😄 😄
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water.
It’s an untapped market.
😄 😄 😄
