How are rioters like school in July?
No class.
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Which planet is the richest of them all?
Saturn, because it has many rings.
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βYou know, I think itβs your turn to pick wild mushrooms.β My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
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Why donβt violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
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My boss said to me, βYou must be crazy! How can you issue a life insurance policy to a 108-year-old man?β
I said, βAs you told me, I applied all the proper, stringent statistical tests. Not a single 108-year-old man has died in the last five years.β
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, youβre not allowed to end a sentence with a preposition.
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What did the doctor ask the composer right before his colonoscopy?
βHow many movements?β
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When I first heard the proposal to rename Oklahoma City after Ohio, I was confused as to why anyone would want that.
But after hearing someone explain the logic behind it, I thought to myself:
βOH, OK.β
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Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1. Crimes
2. Accidents
3. Marriages
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Yo mama is so tall the Kaminoans had to look up to see her face.
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Why is Uranus always invited to parties?
It knows how to break the ice.
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What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?
βYou are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!β
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What do you call it when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week?
Ogretime.
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My New Yearβs resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. Iβve been doing so great!
Iβve surpassed my goal every day so far!
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What do you callΒ a skeleton who just had hip surgery?
Hip-ster!
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What is an alpaca that is mixed with a dog called?
A Wool-f.
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Chuck Norris was in a knife fight.
The knife lost.
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How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?
FORE!
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A cop stops a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He directs the man to blow into a breathalyzer.
Man:Β βIβm afraid I canβt do that, officer.β
Cop: βWhatβs the harm?β
Man:Β βBecause I have asthma. If I blow into that tube, I might have an asthma attack.β
Cop: βAll right, weβll just get a urine sample at the station.β
Man:Β βI canβt do that, officer.β
Cop: βWhatβs the harm?β
Man:Β βBecause I have diabetes. If I pee in a cup, I might get low blood sugar.β
Cop: βAll right, weβll take a blood sample.β
Man:Β βI canβt do that, officer.β
Cop: βWhatβs the harm?β
Man:Β βBecause I have hemophilia. I could die if I give blood.β
Cop: βAll right, just walk this white line.β
Man:Β βI canβt do that, officer.β
Cop: βWhatβs the harm?β
Man:Β βBecause Iβm drunk.β
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A mummy calls a restaurant.
βHello, Iβd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.β
βCould you spell it out, please?β said the voice from the restaurant.
βOf course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackalβs head, and a scarab.β
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