What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-a.
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Why did the blueberry muffin get a ticket?
It was berry speeding!
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I’m bald and I’m going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits.
So from a distance it looks like hares.
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How do you describe Neapolitan ice cream to someone?
Your two favorite flavors plus strawberry.
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They said pooping is a call of nature.
So is farting a missed call?
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Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It’s the depth charges.
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What do you call a computer covered in fruit chunks?
A pineApple Mac.
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The moon seems to be going through another phase, should we get outer its space?
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What do you call an otter who’s obsessed with trains?
A trainsp-otter.
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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
A tire.
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A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence... The rest of the year went quite smoothly.
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Two monsters went to a party.
Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”
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What do you call it when someone says it’s June in July?
Ju-lie.
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A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”
She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.
At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
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I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?
Banned from the supermarket.
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As a Canadian, I never realized how slow my internet was until today.
I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!
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What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost.
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Wanted to give being a comedian a try, but I fell and couldn’t stand up...
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Millennial superstitions:
If your phone drops in the toilet bowl, you will have seven years of frustrating eyebrows.
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