Best Jokes (2)



How are rioters like school in July?

No class.

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Which planet is the richest of them all?

Saturn, because it has many rings.

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β€œYou know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.

So I gather.

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Why don’t violists play hide and seek?

Because no one will look for them.

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My boss said to me, β€œYou must be crazy! How can you issue a life insurance policy to a 108-year-old man?”

I said, β€œAs you told me, I applied all the proper, stringent statistical tests. Not a single 108-year-old man has died in the last five years.”

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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently, you’re not allowed to end a sentence with a preposition.

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What did the doctor ask the composer right before his colonoscopy?

β€œHow many movements?”

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When I first heard the proposal to rename Oklahoma City after Ohio, I was confused as to why anyone would want that.

But after hearing someone explain the logic behind it, I thought to myself:

β€œOH, OK.”

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Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1. Crimes

2. Accidents

3. Marriages

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Yo mama is so tall the Kaminoans had to look up to see her face.

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Why is Uranus always invited to parties?

It knows how to break the ice.

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What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?

β€œYou are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!”

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What do you call it when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week?

Ogretime.

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My New Year’s resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!

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What do you callΒ a skeleton who just had hip surgery?

Hip-ster!

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What is an alpaca that is mixed with a dog called?

A Wool-f.

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Chuck Norris was in a knife fight.

The knife lost.

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How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb?

FORE!

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A cop stops a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He directs the man to blow into a breathalyzer.

Man:Β  β€œI’m afraid I can’t do that, officer.”

Cop: β€œWhat’s the harm?”

Man:Β  β€œBecause I have asthma. If I blow into that tube, I might have an asthma attack.”

Cop: β€œAll right, we’ll just get a urine sample at the station.”

Man:Β  β€œI can’t do that, officer.”

Cop: β€œWhat’s the harm?”

Man:Β  β€œBecause I have diabetes. If I pee in a cup, I might get low blood sugar.”

Cop: β€œAll right, we’ll take a blood sample.”

Man:Β  β€œI can’t do that, officer.”

Cop: β€œWhat’s the harm?”

Man:Β  β€œBecause I have hemophilia. I could die if I give blood.”

Cop: β€œAll right, just walk this white line.”

Man:Β  β€œI can’t do that, officer.”

Cop: β€œWhat’s the harm?”

Man:Β  β€œBecause I’m drunk.”

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A mummy calls a restaurant.

β€œHello, I’d like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.”

β€œCould you spell it out, please?” said the voice from the restaurant.

β€œOf course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”

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