I had to break up with my girlfriend, she doesn’t like Star Trek.
I told her I need some space.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy.
There were no survivors.
😄 😄 😄
The last twenty-five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.
For instance, I've lived through more Spider-Man re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.
😄 😄 😄
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the fan who just bought Taylor Swift’s hair comb in an online auction?
It’s his closest brush with fame.
😄 😄 😄
After several attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian-American friend Appappa decided to spell it out.
“A for apple,” he began, “P for pineapple, p for pineapple, a for apple, p for pineapple, p for...”
The flustered agent interrupted, “I have a better idea,” she said, “just tell me how many apples and how many pineapples.”
😄 😄 😄
Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday.
Rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday’s code.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the moth so unpopular?
He kept picking holes in everything.
😄 😄 😄
What can a whole pizza do that a half pizza cannot do?
A whole one can look round.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Boo.”
“Boo, who?”
“Don’t cry, it’s only Tuesday!”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris does not have near-death experiences.
Death has near Chuck Norris experiences.
😄 😄 😄
Which country has the worst air force?
Turkey. None of them can fly.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a Pinterest user’s favorite type of weather?
Rainy, so they have an excuse to stay in and pin all day.
😄 😄 😄
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
😄 😄 😄
I went to see my doctor today with a lettuce stuck in my butt.
He just applied a dressing and sent me home.
😄 😄 😄
Madonna is 54 and her boyfriend’s 25.
Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend’s 26.
So if you’re single it’s ok, maybe he’s just not born yet.
😄 😄 😄
How did the Catholic priest finish the marathon?
He was second to nun.
😄 😄 😄
Why do anteaters never get colds?
Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!
😄 😄 😄
What does Spider-Man do when he gets angry?
He goes up the wall.
😄 😄 😄
If you’re looking for Spider-Man, you can always find him on the web.
😄 😄 😄
