People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theaters.
Let’s just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...
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Why did the minion cross the road?
To get to his banana.
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Chuck Norris filmed the invention of a camera.
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What’s an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.
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What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A woolly jumper.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“How’s the New Year’s resolution coming?” the bartender asks.
“Great, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds,” the guy replies. “Seriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights.”
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Yo mama’s so stupid she thought Fortnite was fork night.
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It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.
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How did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
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Black people are really fast...
It’s a race thing.
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Do you know that the plural of penny is pence?
But we just say pennies because it makes more cents.
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In North Korea, you cannot throw fruits in the snow.
As they don’t have the right to freeze peach.
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King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him.
But the witch demanded a young, handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her.
On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa.
Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that.
The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body.
She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him.
The moral of the story is, no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.
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The party was a blue-ribbon event.
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Why did the moon burp?
Because it was full!
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What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
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What made the pig go to the kitchen?
Because he felt like bacon.
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For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked because it’s the most accurate way of measuring my weight.
If that’s true, I still don’t get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.
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Why do llamas have such long necks?
To make sure their heads stay on.
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What do you call a parrot when he can’t fly?
A walkie talkie.
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