An old country gentleman sent his son off to engineering school.
Four years later, upon his son’s return, he asked him what he had learned at college.
The son replied, “Pi r square.”
The dad exclaimed, “You didn’t learn nothin’, boy! Pie are round, bread’s square.”
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Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side.
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My girlfriend has an OnlyFans account and it’s doing really well.
I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.
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Why is Auburn always in the dark?
Because they’re afraid of Alabama Power.
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Your ears are so big you don’t need an alarm clock.
You can hear the sun come up in the morning.
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Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress.
So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, “May I try on that dress in the window, please?”
“Certainly not, madam”, responded the salesgirl, “You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.”
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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.
One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.
Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.
“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”
The manager looks sheepish, “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”
The priest looks ashamed of himself, “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”
The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”
The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
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What did the first person to get April fooled say?
“Jesus! I thought you were dead!”
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Thought I would be fine having another drink. Woke up later in an alley.
Then, the bowling ball hit me.
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A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman.
“What’s the secret to your longevity?”, he asked.
Old woman: “Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone.”
The reporter laughed, “That’s ridiculous. That can’t be the real reason.”
The old lady smiled and nodded, “You’re probably right.”
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Whoever said laughter is the best medicine.
Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
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What’s brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
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What did the guy with big ears say when his boss asked if he could have a word with him?
“I’m all ears.”
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What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?
U.V. Ray.
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Do or donut, there is no try.
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Yo mama so ugly Instagram tagged her selfies “explicit content’.
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Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”
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Guess why elephants always get the first word?
Because their opinion carries a lot of weight!
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Good morning!
May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.
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Yo mom’s so fat Luke couldn’t believe she wasn’t a moon!
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