I didn’t always like mushrooms, but they’ve finally started to grow on me.
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Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor and asks, “What flavors do you have?”
The attendant says, “Over there on the signs on the wall, you’ll see them all.”
Client goes, “Ehm, well I’ll have a cone with two scoops of ‘Mondays Closed’.”
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Our local woods are full of mushrooms right now.
I’m always tripping on them.
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What do you call it when you can’t stop looking at Pinterest on your phone?
Pin-diction.
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Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah, it blue up.
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What do you call it when Mark Zuckerberg raps?
A Meta Verse.
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A balding man was getting a haircut.
The man’s barber said, “Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the front?”
Man: “No.”
Barber: “They say you’re a thinker.”
Man: “Oh?!”
Barber: “Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the back?”
Man: “No.”
Barber: “They say you’re a lover.”
The man perked up.
Man: “What do they say if you’re bald in the front and the back?”
Barber: “That you only think you’re a lover.”
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Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
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Yo mama so tall when she did a backflip she digs God in the face.
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Did you hear about the happy asteroid?
It was over the moon!
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I think my anime jigsaw puzzle was too simple. It was...
One Piece.
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What did dad say when he got a universal remote for Father’s Day?
This changes everything!
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Why do Troy State students have such beautiful noses?
They’re hand picked.
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What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
“I be-leaf in you.”
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What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?
Jail-y Donuts.
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My least favorite Thanksgiving leftovers are the relatives who don’t leave until Monday.
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Did you know that during childbirth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment
she almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu.
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Who’s a hairdresser’s favorite musical artist?
Harry Styles.
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Yesterday was May The Fourth be with you. Today is Cinco de Mayo.
Combine the two and tomorrow is Revenge of the Sixth.
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Why did Jesus deactivate his Instagram account?
Because he only had 12 followers.
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