I watched a baseball game once, where the umpire kept wandering about and was eventually knocked out by a ball.
It was the fall of the roamin’ umpire.
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What do you call a hot dog race?
Wiener takes all.
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Lawyer: “Everybody hates lawyers until they need one.”
Architect: “Everybody loves architects until they need one.”
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My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.
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How was your ear operation?
Thursday.
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I recently heard about a study that said that all the so-called “brain foods” don’t actually help your brain at all. It’s all just pseudoscience.
Food for thought.
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I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted.
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How do flat Earthers travel the Earth?
On a plane.
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What do you call a baby with a drum?
A baby boomer.
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Yo Mama so stupid she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.
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I told my wife I was going to do stand-up comedy.
She said, “You’re joking.”
I said, “I told you I was good.”
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What a strange morning.
First, I find a hat full of money in the street.
And then I get chased by an angry guy with a guitar!
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Yo mama’s so stupid she thought Fortnite was fork night.
😄 😄 😄
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
😄 😄 😄
NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...
They found it to be a poophole.
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Yo mama so old her breast milk is powder.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Noah.”
“Noah, who?”
“Know a place I can hide from ghosts?!”
😄 😄 😄
I’ve finally saved up enough for solar panels.
What’s holding me back is that I can’t afford a house.
😄 😄 😄
There was a bad smell coming from a dumpster.
So, my mother made my sister burn some spices to cover it.
She used pap-reek-her.
😄 😄 😄
What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?
Iceberg lettuce.
😄 😄 😄
