You know you’re 50 when you have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you can’t see over your belly.
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If today is really Pi Day, it would never end.
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Why was the mermaid couple so indecisive?
Because they both refused to wear the pants in the relationship.
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How do you make Uranus laugh?
Just give it some gas!
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What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?
Eat donuts.
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How is a colonoscopy like reading a book?
Once you reach the appendix, you’re done.
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Chuck Norris can fly, because gravity is too scared to make him obey her law.
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Why is North Korea so good at geometry?
Because they have a supreme ruler!
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What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?
Ancient Greece.
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People call my obsession with the afterlife suicidal.
Truth be told, I’m dying to find out if there is life after death.
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I keep trying to get into horse racing, but they’re too fast for me.
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A T-Rex told his girlfriend, “I love you this much,” as he stretched out his arms.
To which the girlfriend replied, “That’s not very much at all!”
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Politicians are like diapers.
They need to be changed often, and for the same reasons.
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
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Why does Messi never get locked out of his house?
Because he always has a key-pass.
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What do you get when you cross a pineapple and a pig?
A porky–pine.
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A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.
The police still can’t see the full picture.
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What did Mario say to Princess Peach?
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.”
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What kind of books does the moon like to read?
Comet-books!
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death—we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
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