Why could Spider-man not drive a car decently even once?
Because he always confused drifting with spinning and end of in accidents.
😄 😄 😄
An orchestra conductor calls 911, “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”
The 911 operator says, “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”
😄 😄 😄
You’re so fly, all I want to do right now is wrap you up and take you to my web.
😄 😄 😄
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy.
So it’s italicized!
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How does a hip replacement like to relax?
By taking a joint vacation.
😄 😄 😄
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.
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Why are mothers the best at Pictionary?
Because mummies know hieroglyphics.
😄 😄 😄
It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed.
Nobody wants a loyal snake.
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Why do vegans lose their eyesight earlier than meat-eaters?
From reading all those tiny ingredient labels.
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What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the scientist who recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike your city soon?
The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.
😄 😄 😄
I got a PhD in rap and washing clothes.
They call me Dr. LaunDré.
😄 😄 😄
My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality.
I don’t know what that means, but must be pretty good if I’ve got it.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ostrich.”
“Ostrich, who?”
“Ostrich as far as I can, but I still can’t reach the doorbell.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did Tony Romo cross the road?
To get to the hospital on the other side.
😄 😄 😄
I promised my new girlfriend the sun, the moon and the stars...
So, I took her to the planetarium.
😄 😄 😄
A Mormon mother was preparing pancakes for her sons—Owen, 5, and Bill, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.”
Owen turned to his younger brother and said, “Bill, you be Jesus.”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the pizza ringing?
It had some bell peppers on it.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?
He deserted his post.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a lizard that hates Fortnite YouTubers?
An Ali-hater.
😄 😄 😄
