Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you will start off the new year on the right foot.
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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
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What did the beach say on Labor Day weekend?
Long time no sea!
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What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad”
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death—we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
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What was the name of the first satellite to orbit the Earth?
The moon.
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What do you call someone who’s really into stationary biking?
A cyclepath.
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To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
“Hello.”
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What is a Mexican’s favorite anime?
Juan Piece.
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Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.
While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.
Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.
The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, “Mira el mosca.”
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, “No, senor, “la mosca”, es feminina.”
Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.”
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What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?
Santa walking backwards!
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Disney is updating a children’s classic with a pandemic theme.
It’s called “The Never Ending Story”.
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What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
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You could never be ice cream, because you are too hot!
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What did the guy with big ears say when his boss asked if he could have a word with him?
“I’m all ears.”
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Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.
The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?”
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Why didn’t the butter take the part in the new movie?
Because it didn’t like the roll it was being offered.
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Why are tall people always so well rested?
Because they sleep longer in bed.
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Why can’t Tony Romo use the phone anymore?
Because he can’t find the receiver.
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It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol is a solution.
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