Why did the circus lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
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One day at football practice, the nose was sad.
It was probably because he didn’t get picked.
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How do you know when an octopus has diarrhea?
It leaves squid-marks.
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The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
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I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop, but I turned it down.
I don’t like working on sundaes.
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Your sister is so fat her Apple Watch is an iPad Pro on a rope.
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One day I’m going to open a furniture store named Sofa King.
That way I can make late night tv commercials and shout “Our prices are sofa king low!”.
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Why shouldn’t you go to a party on Mars?
There’s no atmosphere!
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Yo mama’s so flatulent that she forced the sand people out of a single file.
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When should you wear flip-flop sandals?
On a Toesday.
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The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads “Please use toilet brush after using the toilet”.
Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?
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Husband to friend: “The physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.”
Friend: “And is she doing this?”
Husband: “Well, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.”
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A farmer named Rick had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Rick. “Didn’t you say, at the moment of the accident, ‘I’m fine’,” asked the lawyer?
Rick responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...”
“I did not ask you for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”
Rick said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road.”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Rick’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”
Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said ‘how are you feeling?’. Now, what the heck would YOU say?”
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Friend 1: “You’re working from home because of the coronavirus?”
Friend 2: “I’m working from home because I don’t have a real job. We are not the same.”
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AI will never take away my job.
Only an idiot would do my job.
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Why did the polar bears on Noah’s Ark hang out near the insects?
They were looking for the ark tick.
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What is a cucumber and a dolphin doing in the same room?
Sushi.
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One day the queen wanted a haircut.
No barber in England would do it. Why?
God shave the Queen.
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Two hunters were out hunting in the woods when one of them collapsed.
The other hunter whipped out his phone and dialed 911.
The hunter tells the operator that he thinks his friend is dead.
The operator calms down the hunter and tells him to make sure he’s dead.
There was a brief pause and all of a sudden a gunshot could be heard.
“Okay, he’s definitely dead. What next?” asks the hunter.
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What does an avocado call its children?
Avo-kiddos.
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