Girlfriend: “Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
Boyfriend: “Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”
😄 😄 😄
Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.
They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”
The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.”
The first responds, “Watch me.”
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.
The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”
“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, feigning offense.
The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.
Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies.
“Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.”
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”
😄 😄 😄
I brought you a small spoon, in case you wanted to sample my flavor.
😄 😄 😄
I bought a life-size 3D model of plankton from SpongeBob.
4 days later I got an empty box full of bubble wrap.
I still don’t know where plankton is.
😄 😄 😄
Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because every Juan that can jump, run, and swim is already in the U.S.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short she has to hold a sign up that says “Don’t spit, I can’t swim”.
😄 😄 😄
Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.
I like to play Muffin Roulette.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
😄 😄 😄
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were all lost in the desert.
After walking along for a while they eventually found a lamp and rubbed it.
A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home.
Poof! She was transported back home.
The brunette wished to be back at home with her family.
Poof! She was magically transported back home.
The blonde then says, “Aww, I wish my friends were here.”
😄 😄 😄
What is green, white, and red all over?
An elf with a sunburn.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
😄 😄 😄
John came to school with a scar on his forehead.
Tom asked him what do you have on your face?
John answered that it was a scar and it was his father's fault.
John explained that he hit a nail with his fist, and his father told him that he really should use his head sometimes.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Juliet.”
“Juliet, who?”
“Juliet pancakes for breakfast.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
😄 😄 😄
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
😄 😄 😄
How many university graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it may take up to seven years!
😄 😄 😄
What says “Pieces of nine, Pieces of nine”?
A Parroty Error.
😄 😄 😄
Doctor: “I’ve got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live.”
Patient: “What could be worse news than that?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to contact you for the last 6 days.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Bean.”
“Bean, who?”
“Bean awhile since I’ve seen you!”
😄 😄 😄
What did Yoda say to Anakin on his wedding day?
May divorce be with you.
😄 😄 😄
