A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Quick, jump out the window,” she says to him.
“What???” the guy says. “We’re on the 13th floor!”
She says, “Just jump, this is no time to be superstitious!”
😄 😄 😄
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed.
He said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
😄 😄 😄
A spider just crawled onto my keyboard.
Don’t worry it’s under ctrl.
😄 😄 😄
I had some really terrible Arabic food today.
I tell ya, it was fal-awful!
😄 😄 😄
The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris once played with Lego.
The result was The Great Pyramids.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Viking who can’t catch fish?
A cod-less heathen.
😄 😄 😄
What did the mushroom say as he fell off a cliff?
“Help! I’m in truffle!”
😄 😄 😄
Someone threw some butter, milk and cheese at me recently.
I thought “how dairy”.
Then, they threw some more mild cheese.
I thought “that’s not very mature”.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the world crossword puzzle champion who died?
He was buried six feet down and three feet across.
😄 😄 😄
Who should be your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
😄 😄 😄
Why do shoppers feel like cranberry sauce on Black Friday?
They get bruised, battered and squished into pulp trying to get to the bargain bin.
😄 😄 😄
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?
He deserted his post.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blueberries get along with everyone?
They’re naturally blue-tiful.
😄 😄 😄
What is dog’s favorite breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
😄 😄 😄
A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.
“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”
“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.
“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man spin webs?
Because he doesn’t know how to knit.
😄 😄 😄
When the moon is being super grumpy, its parents turn to each other and say, “Gibbous strength!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Waffle.”
“Waffle, who?”
“Waffle lot of pancakes for breakfast?”
😄 😄 😄
