Did you hear about the blue alien that landed on Earth?
He had an out of this world.
😄 😄 😄
It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol is a solution.
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One company owner asks another, “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies, “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
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Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn’t use proper pun-ctuation.
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I failed my python breeding class because of a late assignment.
My homework ate my dog.
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They tell me to not tell anyone about my dreams.
So I guess I can’t tell anyone about you then.
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Why did the mushroom never have a lot of money?
Because he was just too spore.
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My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
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What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing.
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Why do ducks fly over Alabama upside down?
There’s nothing worth craping on.
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I asked my aging father why he doesn’t have life insurance.
“Because, son, I want you to be truly sad when I die.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Abbie and Mannie.”
“Abbie and Mannie, who?”
“Abbie birthday and Mannie happy returns of the day!”
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On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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Did you hear about the joke that Joe Montana told his receivers?
It went over their heads.
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The worst part about being a giraffe...
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
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What’s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
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What do you call a league with only two superheroes in it?
The Just Us League.
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Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?
Because he was a German shepherd.
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When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my dad said, “Well, have you tried euthanasia?”
In the background, I could hear my mom yell, “For the last time, Henry, it’s pronounced ‘Echinacea!’, ‘Echinacea!!!’.”
😄 😄 😄
The bird flu is pretty nasty.
Luckily, it’s tweetable.
😄 😄 😄
