Which celebrity had the best kind of smell?
Kevin Bacon.
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A blonde was driving across several states to go visit her family. She was five hours late and her family was getting worried.
When she finally got there she explained that she had seen 10 signs that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD...”
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Whenever I see Instagram models working out, I am inspired to do my own workout.
Unfortunately, it’s only for my left arm.
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I’d move to the moon, but the cost of living is astronomical.
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Two monkeys are sharing an Amazon account, guess what are they called?
Prime mates.
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The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in room 222.
Close to 17:00, he calls room service from the landline and says the following.“Tu ti, tu tututu.”
The attendant has a hard time understanding the request and, considering that it is the president, not just some regular customer, concludes that he must have overheard an encoded message meant for a Brazilian operative currently undercover. He calls the CIA and describes the situation. Shortly after, two agents are dispatched to the location.
After some hours of work and observation, they are unable to decipher any meaning from the encoded message.
The president eventually calls again and says, “Hello. Tu ti, tu tututu.”
The two agents recorded the enigmatic message and, after some more frustration, decided to call in a specialist in the Portuguese language.
The specialist, after learning of the situation, decides that the best course of action is to go undercover as room service to the president’s room.
When the specialist returned, he explained. “All the president wanted was some tea delivered to his room, Two tea, to two two two.”
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What do you call a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.
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Yo mama so fat, she sweats butter and syrup, and has a full time job at Denny’s wiping pancakes across her forehead.
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A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
Bartender: “Sure.”
Man: “Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile.”
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A man enters a golfing tournament, but he is terrible at golf.
However, an evil leprechaun lives at the golf course.
He says to the man, “I see you are terrible at golf, but I can help you win the tournament, if you agree to never marry.”
The man agrees.
After he wins the tournament, the leprechaun asks for his name.
The man says, “Father Smith,” as he adjusts his priest’s collar.
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What car does a German vegetarian drive?
A Volks-vegan.
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Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question:
“Guess who I ran into?”
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How many people can you fit in one Honda?
Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.
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A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.
A woman with a small dog walked up to sit on another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked, “Would you mind if I throw him a bit?”
“Not at all,” the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.
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When I went to my favorite Irish café after years...
I felt deja brew all over again.
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Three men are working on a building site.
Everyday, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.
The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.
“By god,” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and everyday, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself.”
The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.
“Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Everyday, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself.”
The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.
“I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself.”
The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.
The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.
At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.
“If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches,” says the first man’s wife, “I always thought he was being ironic!”
“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches,” says the second man’s wife, “I always thought he was being sarcastic!”
“And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches,” says the third man’s wife, “but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!”
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A humpback and a peg leg are having drinks in a bar.
When they are quite drunk and the bar closes, they go their ways home. The humpback decides to take the short route through the graveyard.
Suddenly, a little gnome jumps him and cackling, “What is that on your back?!”
The man replies, “Oh, that’s my hump.”
“Give it to me!” the gnome snarls, and he magically grabs the man’s hump.
The next day, the man returns to the bar to tell his peg leg friend how he got magically cured of his hump.
“No more pain, I can walk straight! That gnome gave me my life back!” he yelled.
That night, when the bar closes, the peg leg decides to try his luck too, and takes the route through the graveyard.
Suddenly, a little gnome jumps him and cackling, “What is that on your back?!”
The man blinks and stutters, “Eh... I have nothing in my back, but...”
And the gnome snarls, “Here, I’ve got a spare hump for you!”
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I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway.
Just in case there’s a traffic jam.
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Why did the vegetarian hot dog cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
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What’s a vegan’s favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?
En-salad-us.
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