A Native American Indian is talking to his psychiatrist.
He tells him, “Doc, I don’t know what is wrong with me. One moment I think I’m a teepee, the next I think I’m a wigwam.”
The doctor says, “Ah, I think I see your problem. You’re too tense.”
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In my contacts, I should rename my crush to potassium.
Because she is always responding with “K”.
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Pessimists are like German vegetarians.
They fear the wurst.
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death—we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
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I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take.
Don’t get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I known it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.
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You know what happened to humanity’s most intelligent ancestor?
He decided having kids wasn’t worth it.
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What does Spider-Man put in his beverages?
Just ice.
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I am sweating like a melting glacier in a heatwave.
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When Chuck Norris was born, he spanked the doctor.
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Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But I’m not sure if I’ll keep them.
The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.
I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.
I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.
What luck! An ad for “Gorilla removal”.
I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.
5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.
At this point, I asked the guy, “Hey what’s the plan?”
He said, “Well, I’m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and you’ll never see that Gorilla again.”
To which I asked, “What’s the shotgun for?”
“Well, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
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Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
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What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
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What do you get when you take a green cheese on the moon and divide its circumference by its diameter?
Moon pi.
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Did you know, some fleas spend their lives jumping for the moon?
Lunar-tics.
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Today I asked my daughter for a phone book.
She said, “You’re such a boomer,” and handed me her phone.
So, now, the spiders are dead, my daughter’s phone is broken and she’s really mad at me.
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Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?
They make it their business to create a lot of issues.
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It’s been raining for 3 days without stopping.
My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.
If the rain doesn’t stop tomorrow, I’ll have to let her in.
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A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.
“Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”
Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!”
The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”
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Facebook is like a fridge.
Even when you know there’s nothing new going on, you still go on and check it every 10 minutes.
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What type of music do Amish people like?
Tech no.
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