On my tombstone, please write “Not appreciating my puns was a grave mistake.”
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My husband started working from home this week and is set up at the kitchen table so he sees me and the cats repeatedly coming in for snacks, and finally says, “So you guys just eat all day, huh?”
He does NOT understand our office culture and I don’t think he’s fitting in at all.
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What do a lion and a computer have in common?
They both have mega bites.
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What does an avocado say to its pit?
Without you, I’m empty inside.
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How did the 30-year-old gardener celebrate their birthday?
By receiving a thirtree as a gift!
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A man taunted Chuck Norris by holding a bag of potato chips in front of him and saying, “Betcha can’t just one!”
Chuck Norris subsequently ate the chips, the bag, and the man whole.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“How’s the New Year’s resolution coming?” the bartender asks.
“Great, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds,” the guy replies. “Seriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights.”
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When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
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Why did the alien go off in his ship?
He needed some space
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What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?
A chirotractor.
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What’s the farthest planet humans can see with their naked eye?
Uranus.
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Why is ChatGPT always ready for a pop quiz?
Because it’s always in a “state of learning”.
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I told my dog to stop pinning pictures of bones on Pinterest.
He just can’t resist the temptation to paws and pin.
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Today I donated a watch, a phone and $500 to a poor guy.
You can’t know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.
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Why is Patrick Star Arabic?
Because he lives under Iraq.
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How do retired sailors greet each other?
Long time no sea.
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What do you call a Thursday that feels a bit off?
Thirst-day, because it’s always craving the weekend.
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Why was the surfer such a bad cook?
All he could handle was the microwave.
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His true blue loyalty was betrayed by his green envy.
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If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
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