Enjoy our team's carefully selected Racing Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?
He was caught taking asteroids.
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Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.
One falcon turns to the other and says, โMan, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.โ
The second falcon turns back and says, โYouโd also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.โ
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There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.
One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.
The colleague asked, โWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?โ
To which the statistics teacher responded, โWell, statistically speaking, youโre more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!โ
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โMum, I just won this phone in a race!โ
โWho was in the race?โ
โThe owner of the phone and the police. I think theyโre at the door to congratulate me.โ
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Why is the internet like a motor racing crash?
There are spoilers everywhere.
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Why canโt tomatoes win races against lettuce?
Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.
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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes!
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I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...
Theyโre too fast. Iโd never win.
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I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, โWhat do you do?โ
I replied, โI race motorcycles.โ
She asked further, โDo you usually win many races?โ
I said, โNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.โโฌ
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I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.
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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, โWhat are you doing? Sneakers wonโt help you outrun that bear.โ
โI donโt need to outrun the bear,โ the first guy says. โI just need to outrun you.โ
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Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday?
One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.
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Why did the DJ get disqualified from the 400m sprint?
He kept changing tracks.
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Why is Donald Trump so good at the racetrack?
Heโs a stable genius.
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Whatโs the difference between praying in church and at the track?
At the track you really mean it!
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You so dumb you have to stop during track workouts to ask for directions.
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Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.
The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.
The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.
โIs this horse unsound?โ they asked.
โNot a bit,โ said the owner.
โIn that case,โ asked the stewards, โwhy have you never raced him before?โ โMister,โ said the man from Idaho, โwe couldnโt even catch the critter until he was five years old.โ
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A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in racehorses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines โPreacherโs Ass showsโ.
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won!
The papers said โPreacherโs Ass out in Frontโ. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The newspaper printed this headline โBishop Scratches Preacherโs Assโ. This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal.
The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The headlines the next day read โNun has the Best Ass in Townโ. The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.
The paper states โNun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucksโ. They buried the Bishop the next day.
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The trainer was giving last-minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horseโs mouth just as a steward walked by.
โWhat was that?โ inquired the steward.
โOh nothing,โ said the trainer, โjust a poloโ.
He offered one to the steward and had one himself.
After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions, โJust keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me.โ
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A small boy tells his mum that his dadโs taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesnโt believe him.
โYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,โ she says.
โWell he did,โ the boy replies, โand one of the animals paid us ยฃ50.โ
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A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.
โWill I be able to race this horse again?โ he asks.
The vet replies: โOf course you will, and youโll probably win!โ
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A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.
The horseโs trainer meets him before the race and says, โAll you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, โALLLLEEE OOOP!โ really loudly in the horseโs ear. Providing you do that, youโll be fine.โ
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainerโs ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers โAleeee ooopโ in the horseโs ear.
The same thing happens: the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, โItโs no good, Iโll have to do it.โ And yells, โALLLEEE OOOP!โ really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, โNothing is wrong with me. Itโs this bloody horse. What is heโdeaf or something?โ
The trainer replies, โDeaf?? DEAF?? Heโs not deafโheโs blind!!!โ
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A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.
โYou got to ride him to win,โ the trainer says, โbecause Iโve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.โ
โWill there be any room for me?โ the jockey asks.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.
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A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.
โWhat are you planning to do with that nag?โ the man asks.
โRace it,โ replies the jockey, surprised.
โWell, by the look of it,โ the man says, โyouโll win!โ
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Why could the pony proceed at a great speed?
Because the pony had a powerful horsepower engine.
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Whatโs the best way to make a million dollars in horse racing?.
Start with 2 million.
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When do vampires like horse racing?
When itโs neck and neck.
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What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
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How do you make a small fortune out of horses?
Start with a large fortune.
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A wealthy racehorse owner gets very attached to his champion horse.
It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties.
Sadly one day the champion dies and the owner decides to give it a proper burial.
He approaches the local Anglican minister who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls.
He then approaches the Catholic priest who tells him the same thing.
As a last resort, he asks a Rabbi who gives him the same sermon. As he is about to leave he says that he was going to donate $100,000 to the Synagogue.
โHold onโ, says the Rabbi, โyou never told me it was a Jewish horse.โ
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Which side of a racehorse has more hair?
The outside.
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What sort of racehorses come out after dark?
Night-mares.
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Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?
Masc-a-pony.
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Why did the owner name his racehorse โBad Newsโ?
Because bad news travels fast.
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My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.
And theyโre off!
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I bet on a great horse yesterday!
It took seven horses to beat him.
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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
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It would have been a photo finish, but by the time my horse finished, it was too dark to take a picture.
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I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding.
After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.
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I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did!
Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.
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My racehorseโs name is Mayo. Sometimes, Mayo neighs.
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I keep trying to get into horse racing, but theyโre too fast for me.
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You might be a barrel racer if:
ยท Your lucky shirt is held together with safety pins and duct tape.
ยท You take your own temperature and think 102 is normal...
ยท You can eat a taco on the way to a race and stay in the lines without dropping anything.
ยท Your husband says he has a backache and you head to the barn to get the Banamine and Bigel Oil.
ยท Your friend goes to borrow your hairbrush and has to pull horse hair out of it first.
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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, โRose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if thereโs barrel racing there.โ
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, โBarb, youโve been my best friend for many years. If itโs at all possible, Iโll do this favor for you.โ
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, โBarb, Barb.โ
โWho is it?โ asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. โWho is it?โ
โBarb, itโs me, Rose.โ
โYouโre not Rose. Rose just died.โ
โIโm telling you, itโs me, Rose,โ insisted the voice.
โRose! Where are you?โ
โIn Heaven,โ replied Rose. โI have some really good news and a little bad news.โ
โTell me the good news first,โ said Barb.
โThe good news,โ Rose said, โis that thereโs barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, weโre all young again. Better still, itโs always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.โ
โThatโs fantastic,โ said Barb. โItโs beyond my wildest dreams! So whatโs the bad news?โ
โYouโre up here in the slack on Friday.โ
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You know why barrel racers need to be cremated?
Because if you bury them theyโll bitch about the dirt.
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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.
The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, โWho owns the property?โ
The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.
The officer says, โIโm here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.โ
The old gentleman says, โWell, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, donโt go into that field over yonder,โ pointing out a fenced parcel of land.
The officer says, โMister, Iโm a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.โ
Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boyโs face, โYou see my badge, buddy? This badge means that Iโm allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.โ
The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where heโd told the officer not to go.
He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.
With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bullโs horns before he could reach safety.
Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the fieldโs fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.
Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically and screamed at the very top of his voice, โYour badge, officer, show him your BADGE!โ
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Two men went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, โYou skin this one while I go and get another one!โ
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