Racing Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Racing Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Racing Jokes

Short Racing Jokes

Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?

He was caught taking asteroids.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.

One falcon turns to the other and says, β€œMan, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.”

The second falcon turns back and says, β€œYou’d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.

The colleague asked, β€œWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?”

To which the statistics teacher responded, β€œWell, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

β€œMum, I just won this phone in a race!”

β€œWho was in the race?”

β€œThe owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Why is the internet like a motor racing crash?

There are spoilers everywhere.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?

Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...

They’re too fast. I’d never win.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, β€œWhat do you do?”

I replied, β€œI race motorcycles.”

She asked further, β€œDo you usually win many races?”

I said, β€œNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.”‬

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, β€œWhat are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”

β€œI don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. β€œI just need to outrun you.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Race Track Puns

Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday?

One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Why did the DJ get disqualified from the 400m sprint?

He kept changing tracks.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Why is Donald Trump so good at the racetrack?

He’s a stable genius.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

What’s the difference between praying in church and at the track?

At the track you really mean it!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

You so dumb you have to stop during track workouts to ask for directions.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Jokes About Horse Racing

Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.

The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.

The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.

β€œIs this horse unsound?” they asked.

β€œNot a bit,” said the owner.

β€œIn that case,” asked the stewards, β€œwhy have you never raced him before?” β€œMister,” said the man from Idaho, β€œwe couldn’t even catch the critter until he was five years old.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

The trainer was giving last-minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse’s mouth just as a steward walked by.

β€œWhat was that?” inquired the steward.

β€œOh nothing,” said the trainer, β€œjust a polo”.

He offered one to the steward and had one himself.

After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions, β€œJust keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

A small boy tells his mum that his dad’s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesn’t believe him.

β€œYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,” she says.

β€œWell he did,” the boy replies, β€œand one of the animals paid us Β£50.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

β€œWill I be able to race this horse again?” he asks.

The vet replies: β€œOf course you will, and you’ll probably win!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Jockey Jokes

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, β€œAll you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, β€œALLLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.

The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle.

The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers β€œAleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear.

The same thing happens: the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, β€œIt’s no good, I’ll have to do it.” And yells, β€œALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.

This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, β€œNothing is wrong with me. It’s this bloody horse. What is heβ€”deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, β€œDeaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deafβ€”he’s blind!!!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.

β€œYou got to ride him to win,” the trainer says, β€œbecause I’ve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.”

β€œWill there be any room for me?” the jockey asks.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.

β€œWhat are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.

β€œRace it,” replies the jockey, surprised.

β€œWell, by the look of it,” the man says, β€œyou’ll win!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Horse Racing Puns

Why could the pony proceed at a great speed?

Because the pony had a powerful horsepower engine.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

What’s the best way to make a million dollars in horse racing?

Start with 2 million.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

When do vampires like horse racing?

When it’s neck and neck.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?


πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

Start with a large fortune.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Race Horse Jokes

A wealthy racehorse owner gets very attached to his champion horse.

It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties.

Sadly one day the champion dies and the owner decides to give it a proper burial.

He approaches the local Anglican minister who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls.

He then approaches the Catholic priest who tells him the same thing.

As a last resort, he asks a Rabbi who gives him the same sermon. As he is about to leave he says that he was going to donate $100,000 to the Synagogue.

β€œHold on”, says the Rabbi, β€œyou never told me it was a Jewish horse.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Which side of a racehorse has more hair?

The outside.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

What sort of racehorses come out after dark?


πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?


πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Why did the owner name his racehorse β€œBad News”?

Because bad news travels fast.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Horse Racing Jokes One-Liners

My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they’re off!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

I bet on a great horse yesterday!

It took seven horses to beat him.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

It would have been a photo finish, but by the time my horse finished, it was too dark to take a picture.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding.

After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did!

Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

My racehorse’s name is Mayo. Sometimes, Mayo neighs.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

I keep trying to get into horse racing, but they’re too fast for me.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Barrel Racing Jokes

You might be a barrel racer if:

Β· Your lucky shirt is held together with safety pins and duct tape.

Β· You take your own temperature and think 102 is normal...

Β· You can eat a taco on the way to a race and stay in the lines without dropping anything.

Β· Your husband says he has a backache and you head to the barn to get the Banamine and Bigel Oil.

Β· Your friend goes to borrow your hairbrush and has to pull horse hair out of it first.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, β€œRose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s barrel racing there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, β€œBarb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, β€œBarb, Barb.”

β€œWho is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. β€œWho is it?”

β€œBarb, it’s me, Rose.”

β€œYou’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

β€œI’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

β€œRose! Where are you?”

β€œIn Heaven,” replied Rose. β€œI have some really good news and a little bad news.”

β€œTell me the good news first,” said Barb.

β€œThe good news,” Rose said, β€œis that there’s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.”

β€œThat’s fantastic,” said Barb. β€œIt’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

β€œYou’re up here in the slack on Friday.”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

You know why barrel racers need to be cremated?

Because if you bury them they’ll bitch about the dirt.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Long and Funny Racing Jokes

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, β€œWho owns the property?”

The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer says, β€œI’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”

The old gentleman says, β€œWell, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.

The officer says, β€œMister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”

Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, β€œYou see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”

The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.

He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.

With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.

Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.

Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically, and screamed at the very top of his voice, β€œYour badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Two men went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, β€œYou skin this one while I go and get another one!”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

More Racing Jokes

Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?

They fast during Ramadan.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

Akpos: β€œWhy are all these people running?”

Man: β€œThis is a race, the winner will get the cup.”

Akpos: β€œIf only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

I have a racing goose for sale.

Let me know if you wanna take a quick gander.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„

© 2022-2024