Racing Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Racing Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Why could the pony proceed at a great speed?

Because the pony had a powerful horsepower engine.

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What’s the best way to make a million dollars in horse racing?.

Start with 2 million.

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When do vampires like horse racing?

When it’s neck and neck.

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My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they’re off!

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What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?

Thoroughbred.

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Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday?

One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.

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Why did the DJ get disqualified from the 400m sprint?

He kept changing tracks.

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Why is Donald Trump so good at the racetrack?

He’s a stable genius.

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You might be a barrel racer if:

· Your lucky shirt is held together with safety pins and duct tape.

· You take your own temperature and think 102 is normal...

· You can eat a taco on the way to a race and stay in the lines without dropping anything.

· Your husband says he has a backache and you head to the barn to get the Banamine and Bigel Oil.

· Your friend goes to borrow your hairbrush and has to pull horse hair out of it first.

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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s barrel racing there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”

“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”

“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.

“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re up here in the slack on Friday.”

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You know why barrel racers need to be cremated?

Because if you bury them they’ll bitch about the dirt.

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Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.

The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.

The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.

“Is this horse unsound?” they asked.

“Not a bit,” said the owner.

“In that case,” asked the stewards, “why have you never raced him before?” “Mister,” said the man from Idaho, “we couldn’t even catch the critter until he was five years old.”

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What’s the difference between praying in church and at the track?

At the track you really mean it!

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A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, “ALLLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.

The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle.

The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear.

The same thing happens: the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it.” And yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.

This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me. It’s this bloody horse. What is he — deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf — he’ blind!!!”

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A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third.

The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines “Preacher’s Ass shows”.

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won!

The papers said “Preacher’s Ass out in Front”. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The newspaper printed this headline “Bishop Scratches Preacher’s Ass”. This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal.

The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The headlines the next day read “Nun has the Best Ass in Town”. The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.

The paper states “Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks”. They buried the Bishop the next day.

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I bet on a great horse yesterday!

It took seven horses to beat him.

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The trainer was giving last minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse’s mouth just as a steward walked by.

“What was that?” inquired the steward.

“Oh nothing,” said the trainer, “just a polo”.

He offered one to the steward and had one himself.

After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions, “Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me.”

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A wealthy racehorse owner gets very attached to his champion horse.

It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties.

Sadly one day the champion dies and the owner decides to give it a proper burial.

He approaches the local Anglican minister who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls.

He then approaches the Catholic priest who tells him the same thing.

As a last resort he asks a Rabbi who gives him the same sermon. As he is about to leave he says that he was going to donate $100,000 to the Synagogue.

“Hold on”, says the Rabbi, “you never told me it was a Jewish horse.”

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A small boy tells his mum that his dad’s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesn’t believe him.

“Your dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,” she says.

“Well he did,” the boy replies, “and one of the animals paid us £50.”

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A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.

“You got to ride him to win,” the trainer says, “because I’ve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.”

“Will there be any room for me?” the jockey asks.

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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

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My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.

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It would have been a photo finish, but by the time my horse finished, it was too dark to take a picture.

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Which side of a racehorse has more hair?

The outside.

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What sort of racehorses come out after dark?

Night-mares.

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Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?

Masc-a-pony.

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A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.

“What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.

“Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised.

“Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “You’ll win!”

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I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding.

After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.

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I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did!

Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.

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My racehorse’s name is Mayo. Sometimes, Mayo neighs.

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I keep trying to get into horse racing, but they’re too fast for me.

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Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.

One falcon turns to the other and says, “Man, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.”

The second falcon turns back and says, “You’d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.”

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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”

The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”

The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.

The officer, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”

Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”

The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.

He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.

Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.

Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”

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Two men went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”

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There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable at his driving.

The colleague asked, “Why do you always drive so fast through intersections?”

To which the statistics teacher responded, “Well, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!”

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How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

Start with a large fortune.

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A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

“Will I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks.

The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”

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Why did the owner name his racehorse “Bad News”?

Because bad news travels fast.

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“Mum, I just won this phone in a race!”

“Who was in the race?”

“The owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”

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Why is the internet like a motor racing crash?

There are spoilers everywhere.

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Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?

Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.

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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

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I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...

They’re too fast. I’d never win.

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I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, “What do you do?”

I replied, “I race motorcycles.”

She asked further, “Do you usually win many races?”

I said, “No, the bikes are much faster than I am.”‬

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I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.

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You so dumb, you have to stop during track workouts to ask for directions.

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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”

“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

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