Cat Puns and Hilarious Cat Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Cat Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Cat Jokes


In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls.

But the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

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How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?

An itsy bitsy book.

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A guy’s wife and kids all came down with the flu.

Upon returning home from the doctor’s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.

After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.

The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.

She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.

He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, β€œThree days?! The doctor can’t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!” Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, β€œIf so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?”

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Husband: β€œHello, 911? Yes, there’s this Hindu fellow who’s been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it’s starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees, and he’s... praying, or something.”

911 operator: β€œSir, calm down, there’s no issue hereβ€”Hindus are well known to worship cows.”

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The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

β€œMother”, the nuns pleaded, β€œPlease give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, β€œDon’t sell that cow.”

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What do you call a blue cat that likes to race?

A fast purrr-ple.

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Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?

She still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.

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Your sister is so ugly when she sits on the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

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What do you call a male buffalo?

A buffellow.

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What if a buffalo and baboon mated?

Their child would be a real buffoon.

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What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?

It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.

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What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?

Cowboom!

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A man sees a boy with a box of kittens. He goes over and says, β€œOh, what cute kittens!”

The boy replies, β€œYes, they are Christian kittens.”

About a week later, the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens.

Once again he walks over and says, β€œMy, those are just adorable!”

The boy replies, β€œYes, they are atheist kittens.”

The man asks, β€œWait, weren’t they Christian before?”

The boy looks at the man and says, β€œYeah, but they have their eyes open now.”

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Why can’t you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?

You can’t take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!

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The human brain is amazing.

It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.

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Teacher: β€œIn the exam, you will be allowed 30 minutes for each question.”

Pupil: β€œHow long for the answers, sir?”

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In your 20s: dress like you’re on the catwalk!

In your 40s: dress like you walk cats.

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A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

There was dead silence... The rest of the year went quite smoothly.

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How many university graduates does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but it may take up to seven years!

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A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

β€œWhat are you?” asks the cat.

β€œI’m a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature are you?”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, β€œI guess I’m a gnome.”

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Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

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The English teacher in India.

Teacher: β€œTell me a sentence that starts with an β€˜I’.”

Student: β€œI is the...”

Teacher: β€œStop! Never put β€˜is’ after an β€˜I’. Always put β€˜am’ after an β€˜I’.”

Student: β€œOK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

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Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt.

People write on walls, use emojis, and worship cats.

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Three college graduatesβ€”one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economicsβ€”sit for a job interview.

The question they’re all asked is, β€œWhat’s 2+2?”

The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, β€œA solution exists.”

The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, β€œ3. But we’ll make it 5 just to be safe.”

The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, β€œHow much do you want it to be?”

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Crush: β€œWhy should I trust you? All the guys I’ve been dating have been dogs.”

Me: β€œ...”

Crush: β€œWell? Aren’t you going to say anything?”

Me: β€œ... meow?”

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Bison Theory

A herd of bison can only move as fast as the slowest bison, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

The slowest bison are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the bison, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

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How do bison stay fit?

They do buffalo bells at the gym.

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One day, I watched my father grilling burgers.

When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.

He then left, and never came back.

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Indian warrior decided to change his name and went to the Registry of BDM (birth, death, marriages).

He approaches the counter and talks to the lady at the counter.

Indian: β€œHello miss. I would like to change my name if it is possible.”

Lady: β€œOf course, sir, but why would you do that?”

Indian: β€œWell you see my name is Sharp Arrow Flying Across the Field at Great Speed Hitting the Bison and Bison Falls Down Dead. As you see it is too long and I’m tired of pronouncing it, I would like to change it to something shorter.”

Lady: β€œAlright, sir, so what is the name that you would like to change to?”

Indian (makes sound with mouth): β€œPew.”

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What do you call a bison that is good at telling lies?

Bluffalo.

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What do you call a 200-year-old Buffalo?

A bison-tennial.

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I had a bison steak at a restaurant recently.

When I finished, I asked the waiter for the buffalo bill.

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What did the buffalo say to his son just before he passed away?

Bison.

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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, β€œWhat’s this?”

The kid says, β€œA picture of a cow eating grass.”

The teacher asks, β€œWhere’s the grass?”

The kid says, β€œThe cow ate it all.”

β€œOk, then where’s the cow?”

β€œIt left because there was no more grass.”

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What’s a cow’s favorite TV drama?

Graze Anatomy.

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Student: β€œI’ve been writing my exam for 2 hours but haven’t answered a single question!!!”

Politics Teacher: β€œWell done, that’s an A.”

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What do you call a cow with three legs?

Tri-tip.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom!

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A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, β€œYour cat got run over by a car and died.”

The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.

His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.

A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.

β€œWhat?” he asks.

His friend replies, β€œYour grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.”

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A guy is sitting outside on a bench eating a burger when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.

She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him, β€œYou know, a cow died somewhere, so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?”

As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies, β€œIt’s a shame for sure, but maybe if you weren’t eating its food, that cow might have lived.”

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A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says, β€œHere’s a pill for English literature.”

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

β€œWhat else do you have?” asks the student.

β€œWell, I have pills for art history, biology and world history,” replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, β€œDo you have a pill for math?”

The pharmacist says, β€œWait just a moment,” and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

β€œI have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, β€œWell, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow.”

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What do you get when you put a chicken, a cow, and a pig together?

A hot dog.

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Where do all planets go for their higher education?

To the universe-ity.

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Why did the cow jump over the Harvest Moon?

Because the farmer had cold hands!

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It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

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Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?

To get chocolate milk.

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When the cow jumped over the moon...

Never have the steaks been so high.

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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!

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What do you call a rampaging cow under the full moon?

Udder lunacy.

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Why were there bones on the moon?

Because the cow didn’t make it.

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Which way did the cow jump over the moon?

The Milky Way!

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Guess what horses, donkeys, cows, goats, and sheep all have in common?

They’re all very stable animals.

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Now that I’m teaching remotely, I can’t reward my students for their good work.

So I tell them to visit my website for cookies instead.

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What do you get from an Alaskan cow?

Ice Cream.

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How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?

He ate him on Sunday night!

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Three women escape from prisonβ€”a blonde and two brunettesβ€”and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farmhouse.

Inside the house, there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.

One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, β€œThere are just three burlap sacks in here!”

To which his partner replies, β€œThen kick them just to be sure it’s not them hiding”.

The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, β€œMEEEYYOWW!”

The officer says, β€œOh, it’s just a stupid cat in there.”

So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, β€œRUUFFF RUFFF!”

The officer says, β€œOh, it’s just a stupid dog!”

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, β€œPOTATOES!”

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Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?

Because school is only 6 hours a day!

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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.

Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

β€œWait a minute,” she said. β€œI had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, β€œWho owns the property?”

The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer says, β€œI’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”

The old gentleman says, β€œWell, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.

The officer says, β€œMister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”

Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, β€œYou see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”

The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.

He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.

With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.

Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.

Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically and screamed at the very top of his voice, β€œYour badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”

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An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy.

The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following, β€œMr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of Β£1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to Β£1,100.”

The student said, β€œI see. The ethics question is β€˜Do I tell the client?’”

β€œWrong answer! The question is β€˜Do I tell my partner?’”

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A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, β€œYour money or your life!”

The student keeps walking and says, β€œSorry mate, I’m a computer science student. I don’t have either.”

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A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, β€œExcuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?”

The Harvard student replies, β€œAt Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.”

The kid said, β€œSorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?”

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Dear Students,

I know when you are texting in class. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.

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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.

Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.

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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.

She used to say β€œYou shall not pass!”

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In high school, teachers had to raise their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.

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One day Little Johnny was digging a hole in his backyard.

The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.

β€œHello Johnny, what are you up to?” he asked.

β€œMy goldfish died and I’m gonna bury him,” Johnny replied.

β€œThat’s a really big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbor.

β€œThat’s because he’s inside your cat!”

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Math teacher: β€œJames, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?”

James: β€œA Headache ma’am.”

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Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, β€œAnd why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, β€œBecause people are sleeping!”

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If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.

I guess that’s why they moo.

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A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.

β€œWhat are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!” The policeman says.

The next week he stops the same car to see that the man still has the lynx, β€œI thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.” He says.

β€œI did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”

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A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to an old lady’s door.

She answers and he says, β€œI’m so sorry, I ran over your cat. I’d like to replace it.”

The old woman says, β€œOkay, how good are you at catching mice?”

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What did one flea say to the other?

β€œShall we walk or take the cat?”

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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

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During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.

The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.

His reply was priceless, β€œMom, I have a pain in my sideβ€”I think I’m getting a wife.”

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Little Johnny’s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees Little Johnny pulling faces at another child.

She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, β€œJohnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”

Little Johnny looks up to her and says, β€œWell miss, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.”

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A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.

Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

β€œWell”, said the teacher, β€œthe first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”

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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œInterrupting cow.”

β€œInterrup...”

β€œMoooooooo!”

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you’re a mouse.

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Teacher: β€œWhich book has helped you the most in your life?”

Student: β€œMy father’s checkbook.”

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Why did the cat like eating lemons?

Because he was a sourpuss.

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Why are cats better than babies?

Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.

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What does a cat have that no other animal has?

Kittens.

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Why do cats always win video games?

Because they have nine lives!

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Why do cats hate laptops?

They don’t have a mouse.

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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to, buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, β€œI will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word β€œcomfortable”.

Skeptical, the operator asks, β€œHow will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”

The redhead replies, β€œShe's a blonde so she reads slow: β€˜Come for ta bull’.”

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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake!

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