Bad Jokes That Are Funny
Enjoy our team's carefully selected Bad Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom!
😄 😄 😄
A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.
A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, “Your cat got run over by a car and died.”
The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.
His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.
A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.
“What?” he asks.
His friend replies, “Your grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.”
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What do you call tortilla chips with guns?
Loaded Nachos.
😄 😄 😄
Dear Justin Bieber haters, please respect him.
I owe my life to Justin.
Last August 16, 2014, I was in a coma for 4 months due to a terrible car accident. One day, my nurse turned the radio to Justin’s song.
So I got up... and turned off the radio.
😄 😄 😄
I hate those people who knock on your door and say “You need to get ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn’”.
Stupid firemen.
😄 😄 😄
I hate those people who knock on your door and say “You need to get ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn’”.
Stupid firemen.
😄 😄 😄
A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice, luxurious hotel.
The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.
“It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the clerk.
The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.
The manager showed up and explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.
“But I didn’t use them,” the old woman said.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” he replied.
The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
“We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” he said.
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
The manager replied, “Well, we have them, and you could have.”
Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, “But I didn’t use it!”
The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.
The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him.
“But madam, this check is for only $50.00,” he said.
“That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” the old lady replied.
“But I didn’t!” the manager shouted.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
😄 😄 😄
A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.
I took in a breath and asked aloud, “What’s that smell?”
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, “Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.
She turns to me and asks, “What’s that smell?”
I say, “Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.”
😄 😄 😄
Success is like a fart.
It only bothers people when it’s not their own.
😄 😄 😄
A man was riding on the bus and reading an article about life and death statistics.
Then, fascinated, he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says, “Did you know that every time I breathe, somebody dies?”
The fellow turns to him and says, “Have you tried mouthwash?”
😄 😄 😄
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
😄 😄 😄
Chhattisgarh Minister: “The voters will get electric shock if they don’t vote/press the button for Congress.
Villagers: “At least, electricity will come under this pretext.”
😄 😄 😄
I watched the Indian version of How I Met Your Mother.
There’s just one episode, and it was about the wedding.
😄 😄 😄
Alcohol is a perfect solvent.
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
😄 😄 😄
What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
😄 😄 😄
An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Year’s Eve.
He asks the first police officer he sees, “Why am I here?”
“For drinking,” replies the officer.
“Great,” says the man, “When do we start?”
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Alcoholics don’t run in my family.
But sometimes they fall down the stairs.
😄 😄 😄
“Hi, my name is Bob, and I’m an alcoholic.”
“Sir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.”
“I know, I’m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
😄 😄 😄
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife, “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
The husband climbed out of bed and counted, “One, two, three, four. You’re right, you know.”
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A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?” The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”
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A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
😄 😄 😄
A guy was in a bar drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman was leaving a Cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked him to death.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line!”
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A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.
One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil!” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister.”
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
😄 😄 😄
I stopped by grandmother’s house and I’m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.
She’s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess I’ll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.
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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
Because they just had their brains scooped out!
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It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
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It was so cold that the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!
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It’s so cold, I farted snowflakes.
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What a morning...
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snowwoman.
8:15 I made a snowwoman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snowwoman’s voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snowwoman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.
8:42 I am told the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter, “Yeah, if it’s up your...”
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I’m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 ISIS just claimed responsibility...
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Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?
A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.
😄 😄 😄
A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn’t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: “What are you waiting for?”
The husband replies, “Autumn.”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
😄 😄 😄
Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
😄 😄 😄
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”
“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.”
“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”
He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.
“When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”
“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”
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For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked because it’s the most accurate way of measuring my weight.
If that’s true, I still don’t get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.
😄 😄 😄
Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.
A sales clerk comes up to her and asks what she’s looking for.
“I’m looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I don’t know what kind he uses.”
“Is it the ball type?”
“No,” she replied. “It’s for his armpits.”
😄 😄 😄
One day an Irishman called Seamus went into a pharmacy in Clonmel. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle of Irish whiskey and a teaspoon.
Seamus proceeded to pour some of the amber liquid into the teaspoon and offered it to the chemist.
“Could you taste this for me, please?” asked Seamus.
The chemist took the teaspoon, put it into his mouth, swilled the liquid around and swallowed it.
“Does that taste sweet to you?” says Seamus.
“No, not at all,” says the pharmacist.
“Oh that’s a relief,” says Seamus. “Doctor Flannigan told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”
😄 😄 😄
An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of
feminine product for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some
feminine product for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.”
😄 😄 😄
“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
😄 😄 😄
Ever had to force your dog into taking its medication?
It’s the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know you’re up to something.
So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they don’t bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes.
But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.
😄 😄 😄
This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That’s scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
😄 😄 😄
I just got a job at a pharmacy. The pay isn’t great...
But the percs are amazing!
😄 😄 😄
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of
feminine product, and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”
😄 😄 😄
My pharmacist recently lost his arm.
Now I call him my “phacist”.
😄 😄 😄
What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?
She said, “God was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.”
😄 😄 😄
What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?
“You are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!”
😄 😄 😄
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
😄 😄 😄
I heard an uber from your eyebrows to your hairline is like 40$.
😄 😄 😄
When I saw your hairline I thought you worked at McDonald’s.
😄 😄 😄
Yo hairline is so bad when you look in the mirror yo hairline looks like an endangered specie.
😄 😄 😄
You know you’re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.
😄 😄 😄
The lice in your head are starting to concern over deforestation.
😄 😄 😄
Your forehead is a 20-mile taxi ride from your eyebrows to your hairline.
😄 😄 😄
It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.
The wife and the mother-in-law.
😄 😄 😄
Girlfriend: “Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
Boyfriend: “Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”
😄 😄 😄
Marriage is an institution of three rings:
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
😄 😄 😄
A golden rule of the wife:
There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.
😄 😄 😄
The relationship between a man and a woman is a psychological one.
The woman is psycho, the man is logical.
😄 😄 😄
An Iranian on taking revenge on America:
“America has no hero that we can target. It’s a huge country, but no real heroes. Who are we going to assassinate there? Spider-Man? SpongeBob?”
😄 😄 😄
Why America failed to save the world from Coronavirus?
Thor is in Asgard.
Iron Man died.
Captain is now old.
Hulk doesn’t have much power.
The rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona.
And China ate Spider-Man and Batman.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man was found dead this morning.
Police believe he committed insecticide.
😄 😄 😄
All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children’s activity center.
It’s like they’d never seen a naked man before.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “He eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The monkey found a cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”
“No, what?” asked the man.
“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
😄 😄 😄
Husband says to his wife.
Husband: “I’m going down to the pub, get your coat on.
Wife: “Ooh, am I coming?”
Husband: “No, I’m turning the heating off.”
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that you can tell who has plastic surgery.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
😄 😄 😄
When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.
He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.
In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.
Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.
As he lay dying, he cried out, “God, how could you do this to me?”
And a voice from the heavens responded, “To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn’t recognize you.”
😄 😄 😄
I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.
It’s my wife’s birthday and I thought, “What the hell! I’ll treat her.”
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you’ve ever seen.
“Give me two shots of Jack Daniels,” he says to the bartender. “One for me, and one for you.”
“You know, I don’t drink on the job,” the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, “And that’s why I like you better than my barber!”
😄 😄 😄
Aliens: “We’ve come to destroy the Earth.”
Greta: “It’s a bit late, right?”
😄 😄 😄
An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.
“Human creature,” the alien bellows, “we last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”
The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, “Well, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”
“That is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”
“Oh, nowadays we use two sticks.”
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Yo momma so fat, when she farts, scientists on Tatooine think the star around Coruscant just went supernova.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat, she pooped out the Death Star!
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma’s so fat, she uses Kamonians as toothpicks.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mamma’s so fat, I saw her using a Star Destroyer as an ironing board.
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Yo mama so fat, she played basketball with the Death Star.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma’s so fat, the Millenium Falcon can hide in her belly button.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short, that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short, that you had to use a toothpick to compete in the javelin.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short, that I can’t see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.
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You’re so short, that when you get angry at people for making fun of you, all you can do is bite their ankles.
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You are so short, that you can do push-ups underneath a closed door.
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You are so short, you fell from curb and nearly dies.
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You’re so short, that you can save on rent by living in a doll’s house.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short, you could use a pillow as your bed and still have some wiggle room.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short, you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short, she sat on a coin and her feet didn’t touch the ground.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so short, she doesn’t roll dice she pushes them.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, she gotta use an elevator to go up each step.
😄 😄 😄
Your momma’s hair is so short, she curls the hair with a grain of rice.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short, that she does pull-ups on a staple.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short, that she can play handball on the curb.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short, that when she sneezes, she hits her head on the floor.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short, that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, she committed suicide by jumping off the curb.
😄 😄 😄
There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. It’s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.
With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.
His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, “No, they are for the funeral.”
😄 😄 😄
Three kids one day found a magical slide.
There was a sign next to it saying “whatever you wish for comes true once you slide down”.
One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.
The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.
The third kid went down and said, “Weeeeeeee!”
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a petrol station and says, “Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?”
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
“No,” says the man, “I wanted a normal KitKat, fatty.”
😄 😄 😄
Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled “The Milky Bars are on me!”, people just cheered.
😄 😄 😄
Public Service Announcement:
“If you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs”
😄 😄 😄
What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?
A Tinder surprise.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a church men’s campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.
Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.
A few minutes go by, then someone asks, “Hey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good.”
“To which Joe replies, “Chocolate sausage.”
This gets everyone’s attention.
When the sausage finished cooking, Joe offers a piece to anyone who wanted to try it.
A few of the guys take a cut and eat it, then get confused looks on their faces.
The same guy asks Joe again, “This doesn’t taste any different than normal sausage. Chocolate?..”
Still waking up, Joe clears his throat and says, “The horse was named Chocolate.”
😄 😄 😄
life is NOT like a box of chocolates.
It’s more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.
😄 😄 😄
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.
A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.
“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”
“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.
“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.
“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own damn business!”
😄 😄 😄
Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.
As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.
He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.
Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, “I’m God, looks like you were wrong about me.”
Nietzsche replies, “Not at all. If you’re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!”
😄 😄 😄
There was a young pregnant woman. Her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.
She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.
So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly, “Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank you.”
She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!
The woman continued to wait for her newborn and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months, and years passed, the baby never came!
Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.
They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:
“You go first!”
“No, you go first!”
😄 😄 😄
After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain. So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion.
Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him, “You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back... erm... a pair of crocodile shoes!”
Roderick salutes and leaves.
Two years later, a search and rescue team is sent to India, to recover his remains.
After weeks of hacking through the jungle, they finally find him.
With a huge, thick beard and wearing rags, Rod sits on the riverbank holding a huge cudgel in his hands. Behind him is a gigantic pile of dead crocodiles.
A crocodile swims by; Rod whacks it on the head with the cudgel, drags it out of the water, examines its feet, and throws him on the pile with a curse, “Damn, another one without shoes!!”
😄 😄 😄
Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.
She and some regular guy are the only two survivors.
They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.
They build a little hut on the beach and—both of them having certain “needs”—eventually start hooking up.
This keeps going as months turn into years and they fall in love.
One day she notices he looks depressed.
Scarlett says to him, “Listen, that plane crash was the best thing that ever happened to me because it means that the two of us are together. If there is anything at all I can do to cheer you up, please let me know.”
He tells her, “Actually, there is something. Put on a set of my clothes and tuck your hair up under one of my hats. Rub mud on your face so it looks like a beard and start walking down the beach.”
Scarlett thinks this is weird but, wanting to make him happy, goes along with it.
Once she gets about 200 yards down she turns around and sees her boyfriend running up to her shouting, “BRO! BRO! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!”
😄 😄 😄
A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.
Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.
😄 😄 😄
Then I said, “Your beard makes you look thinner.”
...But that didn’t seem to cheer her up.
😄 😄 😄
When I was a young boy, my father taught me how to be a bearded man.
He took me into the bathroom, picked up a razor, and ate it.
😄 😄 😄
NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts.
“Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon.”
“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”
“Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red.”
“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”
“Houston, we have a problem. Half of the moon is painted red and they continue.”
“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”
“Houston, we have a problem. Whole moon is now red.”
“Now is our time! Open compartment 3B/C, it contains white paint. And start painting: Coca-Cola.”
😄 😄 😄
A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.
“Father, father look,” the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. “The Americans have gone to the moon.”
The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, “All of them?”
“No, just 3,” replies the kid.
“Damn it!” The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
😄 😄 😄
I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...
The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.
😄 😄 😄
I am half Spider-Man, half batman and half moon knight...
Poor.
With no powers.
With mental disorders.
😄 😄 😄
On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.
So when he got home from school, I said to him, “Steve, do you mind sitting down, I’ve got something to tell you.”
“Dad, guess what?!” he shouted excitedly.
“Steve, this is important.” I urged.
“No way, Dad. Listen!”
“Steve. Please. Don’t make this hard for me. It’s about your mum and me.”
“Dad! Shut up! I’ve just won £250,000 on a scratch card!”
“That’s amazing son! Your old Dad’s really made up for you!”
😄 😄 😄
When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.
So I rang her and said, “Guess what, I won the jackpot.”
😄 😄 😄
“Dude, guess what?”
“What?”
“I can’t believe they’re still together after all that crap they’ve been through?”
“Who?”
“My butt cheeks.”
😄 😄 😄
I went to Dunkin’ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...
I’ve been banned for life from that shop.
😄 😄 😄
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
Donuts.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve heard Dunkin’ Donuts is going to be the official sponsor of No Nut November.
Their name will be Dunkin’ Nonuts for a month.
😄 😄 😄
A brief rise in suicide is related to the Covid pandemic.
Murderers are working from home.
😄 😄 😄
I can’t work with idiots.
That’s why I work from home and got rid of all the mirrors.
😄 😄 😄
Before “working from home” became a thing, I had no idea how great it would feel to walk around naked and fart all day whilst working!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so poor, she chases after the garbage truck with a shopping list.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so hairy, people wonder why she wears a fur coat to a nude beach.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so dumb, she thought Call of Duty was a game about pooping.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so dumb, when she got locked in a grocery store, she starved to death.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old, her breast milk is powder.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid, the zombies walked past her because they didn’t smell any brains.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat, NASA thought she was a planet.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat, Darth Vader couldn’t even force choke her.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat, she fed an entire zombie apocalypse.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat, when she wears her yellow raincoat, people yell out “taxi”!
😄 😄 😄
I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take.
Don’t get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I known it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.
😄 😄 😄
Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system.
Uranus is between them.
😄 😄 😄
Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god?
Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.
😄 😄 😄
Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But I’m not sure if I’ll keep them.
The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.
I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.
I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.
What luck! An ad for “Gorilla removal”.
I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.
5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.
At this point, I asked the guy, “Hey what’s the plan?”
He said, “Well, I’m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and you’ll never see that Gorilla again.”
To which I asked, “What’s the shotgun for?”
“Well, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
😄 😄 😄
What is another fancy name for a sun fart?
A solar flare.
😄 😄 😄
A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit’s face and said, “I’ll bet you’re wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren’t you?”
And the recruit says, “No, sir! When I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in another line again!”
😄 😄 😄
What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?
An Apocaclipse.
😄 😄 😄
A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said, “Why, my son, it is a “chechia”. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father, “It is very simple. This is a “djbellah”. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My “djbellah” protects the entire body.”
The son then asked, “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
“These are “babouches” my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These “babouches” keep us from burning our feet.”
“So tell me then,” added the boy.
“Yes, my son...”
“Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this poop?
😄 😄 😄
Boy: “Hey Beautiful, Can I have your number?”
Girl: “No, I have a boyfriend.”
Boy: “But I’m gay, can I have the number now?”
Girl: “Oh, okay! Here’s the number.”
Boy: “Thanks, I’m not really gay. Ha!”
Girl: “That’s my boyfriend’s number.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!”
The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger!”
Once again the woman smiled and thought, “Yes!”
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!”
😄 😄 😄
Girl: “What if a boy hugs me?”
Mom: “Say ‘don’t’.”
Girl: “What if he kisses me?”
Mom: “Say ‘stop’.”
The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON’T STOP!
😄 😄 😄
Madonna is 54 and her boyfriend’s 25.
Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend’s 26.
So if you’re single it’s ok, maybe he’s just not born yet.
😄 😄 😄
Friend 1: “Does she have a boyfriend?”
Friend 2: “Yes, a cute, strong and clever one.”
Friend 1: “What’s the name?”
Friend 2: “John, Michael and Bill.”
😄 😄 😄
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married... I didn’t want him to.
😄 😄 😄
I was perusing the shelves at a toy store when a customer asked an employee where the video game section was.
After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?”
“Yes,” said the customer. “My boyfriend.”
😄 😄 😄
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
😄 😄 😄
Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.
Cashier: “You must be single, right?”
Me: “Yes! How did you know?”
Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream? He deserted his post.
😄 😄 😄
The ice cream parlor asks for my order.
Parlor: “Hello Sir, can I take your order?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a male hot fudge sundae please.”
Parlor: “I’m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?”
Me: “Yes, with nuts.”
😄 😄 😄
One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter, “Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?”
The guy says, “No, we don’t have onion-flavored ice cream.”
So the kid says, “Ok,” and leaves.
The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question.
The guy again informs him that they don’t carry onion-flavored ice cream.
This goes on for a week, and the guy running the ice cream shop figures the kid is probably autistic.
So, one night, he goes home and starts to work on a recipe for onion-flavored ice cream. He stays up all night working and perfecting onion-flavored ice cream, just for this kid.
Then, the next morning, when the kid comes in at his usual time and asks if they have onion-flavored ice cream, the guy answers him.
“Yes! Yes, we have onion-flavored ice cream!”
The kid replies, “You must be stupid. Who is gonna buy onion-flavored ice cream?!”
😄 😄 😄
When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.
Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma’s nose so big, you can go bowling with her boogers!
😄 😄 😄
Yo moma so lazy, she sticks her nose out the door and let the air blow it.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so stupid she combs the hair in her nose and not on her head.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s nose is so big, she can smell a fart coming.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s nose hairs are so long that they make Bobobo jealous!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s breath is so bad that when she talks her nose hairs fall out.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill she squeezed a booger out of George Washington’s nose.
😄 😄 😄
A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.
When they ran into a family of skunks.
They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.
They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.
The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.
They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, “There’s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?”
The husband thinks for a second and says, “Hey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.”
The wife replies, “Well what about the smell?”
The husband says, “It’ll be alright, just hold its nose.”
😄 😄 😄
Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high... he just couldn’t stop as fast.
😄 😄 😄
After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
She’s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”. EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.
October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”.
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here”. One of the clerks passed out.
😄 😄 😄
Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.
Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
The ambulance.
😄 😄 😄
All mushrooms are edible.
But some mushrooms are only edible once.
😄 😄 😄
A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.
After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.
The morel of the story... killed him.
😄 😄 😄
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in racehorses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines “Preacher’s Ass shows”.
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won!
The papers said “Preacher’s Ass out in Front”. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The newspaper printed this headline “Bishop Scratches Preacher’s Ass”. This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal.
The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The headlines the next day read “Nun has the Best Ass in Town”. The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.
The paper states “Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks”. They buried the Bishop the next day.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut.
I said, “Why are you crying? I’m the one that has to find a new girlfriend.”
😄 😄 😄
The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but
yesterday, this conversation happened.
Boss: “Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?”
Abdul: “Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.”
Today is Abdul’s farewell party.
😄 😄 😄
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with earpiece).
😄 😄 😄
In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.
On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...
😄 😄 😄
Disney is updating a children’s classic with a pandemic theme.
It’s called “The Never Ending Story”.
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.
I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.
😄 😄 😄
Blonde enters the pharmacy.
“Do you have a pregnancy test?”
“Yes, we do.”
“Are questions hard?”
😄 😄 😄
A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”
The pharmacist, surprised, responds, “No, this is a pharmacy.”
The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.
This time, the man responds, “As I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.”
Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.
Annoyed, the pharmacist says, “Look, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.”
On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”
Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard that its teeth get completely shattered.
The rabbit leaves... and comes back the next day,
“Do ya seh cahot juys?”
😄 😄 😄
Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.
She clearly isn’t a fan of protection.
😄 😄 😄
One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, “I’m supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time.”
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Kringle,” said the elf in charge of the workshop. “One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I’m afraid we only have four elites tonight.”
“So be it,” said Santa.
It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done, Santa was one hour overdue.
Finally, the sack was full. Santa dragged the heavy sack out of the workshop and to his sleigh. But the sleigh, of course, was very old, and some of the wood was rotting. So when Santa put the sack into the sleigh, it went right through the wood.
He hoisted the sack out of the hole, rushed to the barn, and came back with a hammer, nails, a ruler, a saw, and several planks of fresh wood.
It took two hours for Santa to fix the sleigh. By the time he was done, he was three hours overdue.
Finally, the hole in the sleigh had been patched. Santa went back to the barn to put away the hammer, the ruler, and the saw, and also to fetch his eight tiny reindeer. But when he got there, he found that he had left the door open.
“Oh no!” he said. “Some of the reindeer may have escaped!”
Indeed, when Santa entered the barn, he found that Dasher, Dancer, and Donner had run away. To make matters worse, Comet and Cupid were giving birth to fawns. Only three of the regular reindeer could pull the sleigh that year.
Santa immediately ordered some of his elves to look for the missing reindeer, and others to help Comet and Cupid give birth. Then he hitched Prancer, Vixen, and Blitzen to the sleigh without any problems. Now he needed to find five replacement reindeer. He eventually settled on Basher, Flasher, Smasher, Rudolph (this was before his nose started glowing), and Fred.
But those reindeer had never pulled a sleigh before, and it took two hours for Santa to hitch them. By the time he was done, he was five hours overdue.
Finally, a very stressed Santa Claus sat in his sleigh, ready to begin his flight. Just then, an angel walked by with a Christmas tree she had cut down.
“Good evening, Santa,” said the angel. “Where do you want me to put this?”
And so began the tradition of putting the angel at the top of the tree.
😄 😄 😄
All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, “I don’t do that sort of thing on my first date!”
“Well,” Bill replied with sarcasm, “how about on your last date?”
😄 😄 😄
One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”
Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”
“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”
The very next day, her grandpa died.
That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.
Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.
The very next day, Sally’s grandma died.
That night, when Sally said “Good night Mom, goodbye Dad”, Sally’s dad began to panic. He knew this couldn’t just be a coincidence.
So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.
Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.
He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.
“Oh, it was just awful!” she replied. “The Milkman died!”
😄 😄 😄
Husband whispers to wife as they’re going to sleep, “Good night, mother of six.”
“Good night, father of one,” she replies.
😄 😄 😄
A priest and a nun are having a tennis match.
The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better.
After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun.
She let it slip by and the match continues.
But alas, after a fierce backhand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”
“Stop it!” yells the nun. “You can’t use the Lord’s name in vain like that!”
The priest apologizes, “I’m sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.”
“Fair enough,” grumbles the nun.
The match continues. It’s going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another “Goddamn it! I missed!”
Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the nun into ashes...
A thundering voice emits from the skies, “Damn it! I missed!”
😄 😄 😄
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.
“Incredible!,” says his friend.
“Medical science is amazing!”
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
“Incredible!,” says his friend.
“Medical science is amazing!”
Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
😄 😄 😄
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady.
She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”
“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.
I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
“Because we’ve got no teeth,” she replied.
“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.
“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”
😄 😄 😄
There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, “What’s your secret?” The guy whispers, “All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants.”
In a flourish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants.
But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror.
Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and desperately asks, “Why are all the girls running away from me?”
The first guy looks up and replies, “The pickle’s on the wrong side.”
😄 😄 😄
A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.
A woman with a small dog walked up to sit on another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked, “Would you mind if I throw him a bit?”
“Not at all,” the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.
😄 😄 😄
Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs”.
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.
Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
😄 😄 😄
Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.
He comes upon a question:
What separates the head from the body?
Ahmed answers:
The axe.
😄 😄 😄
A man left for work one Friday morning.
Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
“That would be fine with me”, he replied.
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
😄 😄 😄
Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, it’s going to end in a mess.
😄 😄 😄
Love is a lot like peeing your pants.
Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.
😄 😄 😄
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.”
After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.”
“Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”
George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.”
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news, “Diane is your half-sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.”
“Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”
😄 😄 😄
One time I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message.
30 seconds later I heard my uncle crying in the next room...
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
😄 😄 😄
My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.”
Me: “Hey babe, what do you wanna eat?”
Her: “Nothing.”
Me: Flies to Africa.
😄 😄 😄
My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
😄 😄 😄
My friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
😄 😄 😄
You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe beside you, and you’re being chased by a lion. What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel!
😄 😄 😄
A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl.
“It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”
“Then I’d be a football fan.”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Superman stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants.
Why is Batman more stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.
Why is Robin even more stupid?
Because he followed what batman did.
Why is Wonder Woman stupid?
Because she wears a belt on her head.
Why is Spider-Man the most stupid superhero of them all?
Because he wears his underwear over his head.
😄 😄 😄
A pharmacist returns to his shop from lunch to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” He asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” explains the assistant. “But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.”
“What!” The pharmacist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”
😄 😄 😄
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “arthritis.”
😄 😄 😄
What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?
8 pirates.
😄 😄 😄
Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him!
😄 😄 😄
What do a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.
😄 😄 😄
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath, he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don’t want to go to Iraq either...
😄 😄 😄
“Where did you get this mushroom recipe?” The husband asks his wife.
“In a detective novel,” she answers.
😄 😄 😄
What is blue and lies under a mushroom?
Smurf poop.
😄 😄 😄
A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
😄 😄 😄
Two men—one a brunette and the other a blonde—were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.
The brunette guy says, “What works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.”
The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks – with no luck.
He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.
The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, “You dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!”
😄 😄 😄
Broccoli: “Hey, I look like a tree.”
Mushroom: “Wow, I look just like an umbrella.”
Walnut: “I look exactly like a brain.”
Banana: “Man, can we change the topic please?”
😄 😄 😄
When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?
When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy.
There were no survivors.
😄 😄 😄
A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.
Without any preliminaries, she said she wanted a divorce.
“On what grounds?” asked the lawyer.
“I don’t think he is faithful to me,” she replied.
“And what makes you think he isn’t faithful?” asked the lawyer.
“Well,” replied the young lady, “I don’t think he is the father of my child.”
😄 😄 😄
This guy was sitting in his attorney’s office.
His lawyer says, “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?”
“Give me the bad news first,” he says.
“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,” his lawyer informs him.
“That’s the bad news?” asks the man incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman walks into the Social Worker’s office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW!” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they’re all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one he is Terry, also.”
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker, “I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell “Terry!”, and when it’s time for dinner, I just yell “Terry!”, and they all come running.
And if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.”
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”
“I call them by their surnames.”
😄 😄 😄
Retail job interview (2012).
“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”
“You mean after the global pandemic or before the war?”
😄 😄 😄
It’s true women do make less money than men. But it’s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.
Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.
Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
😄 😄 😄
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.
😄 😄 😄
A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
They celebrate it in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.
The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, “Isn’t it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?”
The wife replies saying, “Yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here without clothes,” with a naughty voice.
Both don’t doubt for a moment and they take off their clothes. They sit back down at the table giggling.
The wife says, “You know honey, even my mamillae are just as hot as 50 years ago.”
“No wonder,” the man replies, “one of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.
😄 😄 😄
A woman is approaching a very small Bistro.
She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer.
Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard.
“Are you the boss of this Bistro?” she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
“Ehhh. No. Not at all!” the barkeeper replies.
“Would you please call him here?” the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
“Oh, I’m very sorry, but no. Impossible!” the barkeeper sighs who has fun with this situation.
“Would you then please do me a great favor?” the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
“Of course. Whatever you wish!” the barkeeper moans.
“I want to leave a message for the boss,” she says and lets first one, then two fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
“What message?” the barkeeper asks with two fingers in his mouth.
“Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady’s toilet.”
😄 😄 😄
Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.
It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.
😄 😄 😄
A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, “Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?”
The Harvard student replies, “At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.”
The kid said, “Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?”
😄 😄 😄
My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.
She used to say “You shall not pass!”
😄 😄 😄
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”
😄 😄 😄
One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his backyard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
“Hello Johnny, what are you up to?” he asked.
“My goldfish died and I’m gonna bury him,” Johnny replied.
“That’s a really big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbor.
“That’s because he’s inside your cat!”
😄 😄 😄
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”, he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
😄 😄 😄
Math teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
Student: “A drinking problem.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so ugly, her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.
😄 😄 😄
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”
😄 😄 😄
A balding man was getting a haircut.
The man’s barber said, “Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the front?”
Man: “No.”
Barber: “They say you’re a thinker.”
Man: “Oh?!”
Barber: “Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the back?”
Man: “No.”
Barber: “They say you’re a lover.”
The man perked up.
Man: “What do they say if you’re bald in the front and the back?”
Barber: “That you only think you’re a lover.”
😄 😄 😄
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who falls overboard and can’t swim?
Bob.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lilly.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?
Frank.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?
Claude.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?
Phil.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?
Eve.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?
Lou.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?
Rob.
😄 😄 😄
Guess why football stadiums are so cool?
Most seats have a fan on them!
😄 😄 😄
My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.
So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?
She couldn’t do either.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?
None – they gave up.
😄 😄 😄
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
😄 😄 😄
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
😄 😄 😄
It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.
😄 😄 😄
A couple goes to the cinema.
“Two tickets, please,” says the man.
“Hobbit?” asks the cashier lady.
“No, that’s my wife.”
😄 😄 😄
A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.
After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later, the rooster walks in.
He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
😄 😄 😄
My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldn’t fix.
I suggested, “Break its legs.”
😄 😄 😄
My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.
😄 😄 😄
The only clan thing you find in a well cleaned big nose is fingerprints.
😄 😄 😄
The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the man with the big nose sad?
He could really smell his feet!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?
Birds are always perching on it!
😄 😄 😄
Your nose is so big that when you lie on your back in the pool, people think it’s a shark!
😄 😄 😄
What’s worse than having a big nose?
Having a big nose and tiny hands!
😄 😄 😄
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning in the ocean?
He was just too far out, man.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid, when she threw a grenade at me, I pulled the pin and threw it back.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so stupid, she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so stupid, she cut holes in her umbrella to see if it was raining.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so stupid, she yelled into an envelope because she wanted to send a voicemail.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so small, she has to wear a torn napkin as a dress.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, she has to hold a sign up that says, “Don’t spit, I can’t swim”.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old, she rode dinosaurs to school.
😄 😄 😄
I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”
I said, “Not at all.”
He said, “‘Kiss?’”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel”
😄 😄 😄
My neighbors listen to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
😄 😄 😄
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I eat mop.”
“I eat mop, who?”
“That’s revolting!”
😄 😄 😄
Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”
She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
😄 😄 😄
I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
😄 😄 😄
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
😄 😄 😄
Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris once ate a Rubik’s Cube and pooped it out solved.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
😄 😄 😄
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
😄 😄 😄
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
“Excuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,” he said politely, “but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.”
“That’s right.”
“Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.”
“Well, today is his birthday.”
😄 😄 😄
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
😄 😄 😄
If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?
Fleas.
😄 😄 😄
One alien says to another, “The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”
The second alien replies, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do aliens not eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
😄 😄 😄
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, people thought she was a Funko Pop.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so hot, she makes the sun sweat.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so hot, when she got into the Arctic Ocean, it turned into a hot tub.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, when she visits Antarctica, locals call it summertime.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, rangers banned her from National Parks for starting forest fires.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, her hugs give third-degree burns.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, scientists deemed her the leading cause of global warming.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she bought a solar-powered flashlight.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old, she farts dust!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old, when she was young, rainbows were black and white!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old, her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the cameras.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat, she left the house in high heels and when she came back, she had on flip flops.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat, she sat on a dollar and when she got up there were 4 quarters.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat, when she gets on the scale it says, “to be continued.”
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat, she gets group insurance!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat, a picture of her would fall off the wall!
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama's appetite is so huge, she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama's so disgusting, she keeps maggots as pets.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma's arm-pits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama's got a leather wig with suede sideburns.
😄 😄 😄
An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.
The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!”
She said, “I can teach it good manners.”
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?”
It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.
She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said “Brr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"
😄 😄 😄
Three guys are in the woods: a really smart guy, an average and a really dumb guy.
They are bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting.
A little while later he comes back with a deer.
The average guy asks, “How did you do that?”
The really smart guy says, “I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer and I shoot deer.”
The average guy says, “I think I understand,” and leaves.
A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon.
He really dumb goes gasp, “How did you do that!?”
And the average looks at him funny and says, “Well I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon and I shoot raccoon.
The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, “Oooohh ok, I think I can do that…,” and leaves.
Hours pass and the guy finally returns hurt, bloody and horribly mingled. They run to help him.
Finally one of the guys asked him what happened.
This is what he said, “I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train and I shoot train, but train keeps coming.
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.”
No one stands up.
Teacher: “Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb.” Waves her finger around the left side of the room.
Little Johnny stands up.
Teacher: “Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?”
Little Johnny: “No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.”
😄 😄 😄
You so dumb, you have to stop during track workouts to ask for directions.
😄 😄 😄
You so dumb, you once tried to exchange a bib number because you thought the whole thing was printed upside down.
😄 😄 😄
Man: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God: “So you would love her?”
Man: “But God, why did you make her so dumb?”
God: “So she would love you?”
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.
😄 😄 😄
When the Tooth fairy comes to your house, she takes your tooth and gives you money.
When Chuck Norris comes to your house, he breaks your tooth and takes your money.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.
It’s now called Red Bull.
😄 😄 😄
When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
😄 😄 😄
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.
I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
😄 😄 😄
My father was stupid.
He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
😄 😄 😄
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great-uncle fought for the west!
😄 😄 😄
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
😄 😄 😄
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap.
When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move, he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’s lap?”, I asked.
“No!”, he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”
😄 😄 😄
At the family reunion.
Boy: “I’m here to talk about our family, but Mom always taught me that if I don’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. Good Day.”
😄 😄 😄
Good moms let you lick the beaters.
Great moms turn them off first.
😄 😄 😄
What is a Jews’ biggest dilemma?
Free Pork.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a shekel!
😄 😄 😄
Why are synagogues round?
So the Jews can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.
😄 😄 😄
Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!
😄 😄 😄
How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
The players don’t yell “Fore!” they yell “$3.99!”.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a Jews favorite band?
Nickelback.
😄 😄 😄
In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
When it graduates from medical school.
😄 😄 😄
Why do Jews have big noses?
Because the air is free.
😄 😄 😄
How does every racist joke start?
By looking over your shoulder!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
😄 😄 😄
Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.
He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
The Reverend Morgan then sat down.
Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.”
😄 😄 😄
A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.
While in the church, the girl asked her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied to the girl, “Because white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”
After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, “But, then why is the groom wearing black?”
😄 😄 😄
A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.
During his meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.”
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose your mother took it, do you?”
He said, “Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure!”
He sat down and wrote:
Dear mom,
After you visited me, the silver plate has been missing. I’m not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and I’m not saying that you don’t take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love
Your son
Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:
Dear Son,
I’m not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you don’t sleep with her, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.
Love
Mom
😄 😄 😄
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?”, said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
😄 😄 😄
A priest had 3 people at confession.
He went to Guy 1 and asked, “What sin did you commit?”
Guy 1 responded, “I murdered someone.”
The priest responded, “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”
He did so and stood back.
The priest asked Guy 2 and asked, “What sin did you commit?”
Guy 2 responded, “I cheated on my wife.”
The priest responded, “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”
He did so and stood back as well.
Then it was the 3rd person’s turn.
The priest asked him, “So, what sin did you commit?”
Nervously, Guy 3 responded, “Um…well, you see, Father…I peed in the holy water.”
😄 😄 😄
I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...
I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.
😄 😄 😄
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
“Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.”
😄 😄 😄
Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
😄 😄 😄
So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, this is a singles bar.”
😄 😄 😄
A skunk fell into the river and stank to the bottom.
😄 😄 😄
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
😄 😄 😄
Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
😄 😄 😄
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
😄 😄 😄
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
😄 😄 😄
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
😄 😄 😄
Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.
😄 😄 😄
It’s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.
He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.
He responds, “No, the seat’s empty.”
The first man exclaims, “What?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?”
The neighbor responds, “Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven’t been together.”
The first man responds,” I’m sorry to hear that. Wasn’t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could’ve taken that seat?”
The neighbor responds, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
😄 😄 😄
An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.
“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.”
“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?”
“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.
“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you have against some people?
Well… for example, knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenades…
😄 😄 😄
A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they’ll play a game with the kids. They’ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.
At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.
“Well,” he says, “it’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.
The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s a donkey!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
😄 😄 😄
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying “I know the whole truth”.
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
😄 😄 😄
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
😄 😄 😄
Doctor: “I’ve got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live.”
Patient: “What could be worse news than that?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to contact you for the last 6 days.”
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.”
Friend: “Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!”
Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”
😄 😄 😄
Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.
Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.”
Pharmacist: “Why do you need arsenic?”
Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to give it to my husband.”
Pharmacist: “WHAT?”
Woman: “You heard me! I want to give it to my husband!”
Pharmacist: “Why on earth would you want to do that?”
Woman: “Because he’s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!”
Pharmacist: “Well why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”
😄 😄 😄
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
😄 😄 😄
Before Marriage.
Boy: “Ah at last. I can hardly wait.”
Girl: “Do you want me to leave?”
Boy: “No, don't even think about it.”
Girl: “Do you love me?”
Boy: “Of Course. Always have and always will.”
Girl: “Have you ever cheated on me?”
Boy: “Never. Why are you even asking?”
Girl: “Will you kiss me?”
Boy: “Hell no. Are you crazy?”
Girl: “Can I trust you?”
Boy: “Yes.”
Girl: “Darling!”
After Marriage… (Read from bottom to top)
😄 😄 😄
Earth is the third planet from the sun.
By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.
😄 😄 😄
“I wanna be the sun of your life!”
“Then stay at 1 000 000 km of me!”
😄 😄 😄
What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?
Turn into bacon.
😄 😄 😄
After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.
Murphy objected, “If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!”
“What do you think we are, stupid?” Declan replied, “We’ll send our
man at night!”
😄 😄 😄
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Europe.”
“Europe, who?”
“No, YOU’RE a poo!”
😄 😄 😄
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
😄 😄 😄
We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons.
If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.
😄 😄 😄
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.
She asks him: “Little Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?”
He: “Like the moon.”
The teacher: “That’s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful”.
Little Johnny: “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
😄 😄 😄
Your momma so short, she takes a shower in a raindrop.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so short, she can’t say a thing without a microphone!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so short, when she plays Fortnite, she can hide under the freaking store.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, she has to slam dunk her bus fare.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so short, she poses for trophies!
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so hot, doctors say her blood type is lava.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, when Electra and Haspiel saw her, they burned to death.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so hot, I gotta wear oven mitts to touch her.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so hot, she makes jalapeños cry.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so hot, she makes the sun look like Antarctica.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so dumb and hungry, the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so dumb, when dad said it’s chilly outside she brought a spoon and a bowl.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so dumb, when y’all were driving to Disneyland, she saw a sign that said “Disneyland left”, so she went home.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so dumb, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old, she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so old, I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama is so old, Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old, she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so ugly, that most Snapchat filters make her better looking.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so ugly, she made One Direction go in another direction.
😄 😄 😄
Your momma so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks!
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so ugly, she made an onion cry.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so stupid, when I said, “Drinks are on the house,” she got a ladder.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so stupid, she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said “concentrate”.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so stupid, when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn’t find the “CALL” button.
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama’s so stupid, she thinks Los Angeles is where God lives with all his angels.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid, I said, “Kool-Aid,” and she jumped through the wall.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat, when she fell I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so fat, that the National Weather Service names each of her farts.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight, not your phone number.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so fat, she can’t reach her back pocket.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat, when she died, she broke the stairway to heaven.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so scary, you thought the monsters in your closet were friends.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s appetite is so huge, even after eating an elephant for breakfast, she demanded a whale as dessert.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to save a fish from drowning.
😄 😄 😄
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey—he’s always stuffed.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
😄 😄 😄
Why are cats better than babies?
Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
😄 😄 😄
Student: “503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?”
Teacher: “502.”
Student: “How do you put an elephant in a fridge?”
Teacher: “No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!”
Student: “Just open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.”
Student: “How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?”
Teacher: “Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.”
Student: “No! Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.”
Student: “The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?”
Teacher: “The lion?”
Student: “No! The giraffe because he’s in a fridge.”
Student: “Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?”
Teacher: “Sally stepped on the alligator's mouth?”
Student: “The gators are at the party.”
Student: “But Sally dies anyway. Why?”
Teacher: “She drowned?!”
Student: “No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
😄 😄 😄
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
😄 😄 😄