Bad Jokes That Are Funny



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Bad Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Bad Jokes


A man sees a boy with a box of kittens. He goes over and says, โ€œOh, what cute kittens!โ€

The boy replies, โ€œYes, they are Christian kittens.โ€

About a week later, the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens.

Once again he walks over and says, โ€œMy, those are just adorable!โ€

The boy replies, โ€œYes, they are atheist kittens.โ€

The man asks, โ€œWait, werenโ€™t they Christian before?โ€

The boy looks at the man and says, โ€œYeah, but they have their eyes open now.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I hate being a depressed atheist.

Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.

He panicked and shouted, โ€œGod, help me!โ€ and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.

A voice from the heavens boomed โ€œYou say you donโ€™t believe in me, but now youโ€™re asking for my help?โ€

The atheist looked up and said, โ€œWell, ten seconds ago I didnโ€™t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists wonโ€™t claim that god did it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the atheist cross the road?

He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldnโ€™t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad. Her mother asks her whatโ€™s wrong.

She says, โ€œBill proposed to me an hour ago.โ€

Her mother asks, โ€œWhy are you so sad then?โ€

The girl replies, โ€œBecause he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesnโ€™t even believe thereโ€™s a hell.โ€

Her mother says, โ€œMarry him anyway. Between the two of us, weโ€™ll show him how wrong he is.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the evangelical atheist?

She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear an Arsenal support shirt for two weeks.

So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked and verbally abused.

It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three soccer playersโ€”one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenalโ€”are lost in the desert.

They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.

So the guy from Manchester says, โ€œWell, since Iโ€™m from ManCHESTer, Iโ€™ll get the chest.

The player from Liverpool goes, โ€œWell, in that case I'll eat the liver.

Then guy from ARSEnal says, โ€œIโ€™m not hungry...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said to her husband, โ€œLook at this, dear. Thereโ€™s an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldnโ€™t do a thing like that, would you?โ€

โ€œOf course I wouldnโ€™t!โ€ replied her husband. โ€œThe seasonโ€™s almost over!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Bad news: The lovely architect down my street has passed away.

Good news: His coffin looks super cool.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between a doctor and an architect?

An architectโ€™s mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was driving down the road today when I say a sign for fresh Amish cheese that read, โ€œMade with real Amish milk.โ€

I didnโ€™t even know you could milk the Amish.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa.

The university responsed, โ€œWhy do we need another phone company?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


AI will never take away my job.

Only an idiot would do my job.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female?

Because theyโ€™re never wrong.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?

Artificial intelligence.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man with one leg?

Anything you want. He canโ€™t run fast enough to catch you.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still donโ€™t know to whom that leg belonged.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I saw a one-legged man with no arms at the ATM today. He asked me to help him check his balance.

So I pushed the guy over.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On New Yearโ€™s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because sheโ€™s got a uniform on, sheโ€™s probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, โ€œWe love to fly and it shows.โ€

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, โ€œWinning the hearts of the world.โ€

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, โ€œGoing beyond expectations.โ€

The woman looks at him wearily and says, โ€œWhat the heck do you WANT, moron?โ€

โ€œAh!โ€ he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, โ€œAmerican Airlines!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, โ€œI need to get up and get a Coke.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t get up,โ€ said the Army Ranger, โ€œIโ€™m in the aisle seat, Iโ€™ll get it for you.โ€

As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Rangerโ€™s shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, โ€œThat looks good, Iโ€™d really like one, too.โ€

Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Rangerโ€™s other shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

โ€œWhy does it have to be this way?โ€ he asked. โ€œHow long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed the opposite direction.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.

He looks at his twisted car and says, โ€œMan, I am really lucky to be alive!โ€

Likewise the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.

He too says to himself, โ€œI canโ€™t believe I survived this wreck!โ€

The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, โ€œHey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.โ€

The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, โ€œYou know, youโ€™re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now Iโ€™m gonna see what else survived this wreck.โ€

So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.

He says to the Marine, โ€œI think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship.โ€

The Marine replies, โ€œYouโ€™re damn right!โ€ and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, โ€œYour turn!โ€

The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine and says, โ€œNahh, I think Iโ€™ll wait for the cops to show up.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Akpos told his servant, โ€œGo and water the plants.โ€

Servant: โ€œItโ€™s already raining.โ€

Akpos: โ€œSo what, take an umbrella and go!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œClass, choose between money and brain.โ€

Akpos: โ€œIโ€™d go for the money!โ€

Teacher: โ€œIโ€™d go for brain!โ€

Akpos: โ€œWell, everybody goes for what he doesnโ€™t have.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Akposโ€™s wife was busy singing in the bedroom.

Akpos: โ€œYou know, my dear, when you sing like that, I just wish you were on a radio.

Wife: โ€œWow, honey. Am I that good?โ€

Akpos: โ€œNo, at least on a radio I can change the station.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œIf your father has $10, and you

asked for $5, how much will your father

have?โ€

Akpos: โ€œ$10.โ€

Teacher: โ€œYou donโ€™t know maths.โ€

Akpos: โ€œYou donโ€™t know my father!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If you add the two numbers in your chronological age, you get your true age.

So youโ€™re 5 now, and you canโ€™t really argue the similarities. Five-year-olds have a tough time tying their shoes, can barely spell their own name, and need help reading!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why can you trust your friends more after turning 50?

Because you canโ€™t even remember each otherโ€™s names, let alone your deepest secrets!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when youโ€™re thankful when someone tells you that you have lipstick on your teeth because it means you still have teeth.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when your face has more wrinkles than an elephantโ€™s backside.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when you and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when you have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you canโ€™t see over your belly.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when you now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does Dr. Frankenstein call the cemetery?

Human Resources.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a cow with three legs?

Tri-tip.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, โ€œYour cat got run over by a car and died.โ€

The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.

His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.

A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.

โ€œWhat?โ€ he asks.

His friend replies, โ€œYour grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call tortilla chips with guns?

Loaded Nachos.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dear Justin Bieber haters, please respect him.

I owe my life to Justin.

Last August 16, 2014, I was in a coma for 4 months due to a terrible car accident. One day, my nurse turned the radio to Justinโ€™s song.

So I got up... and turned off the radio.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I hate those people who knock on your door and say โ€œYou need to get โ€˜savedโ€™ or youโ€™ll โ€˜burnโ€™โ€.

Stupid firemen.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 60th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice, luxurious hotel.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

โ€œItโ€™s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly arenโ€™t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didnโ€™t even have breakfast,โ€ she told the clerk.

The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.

The manager showed up and explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.

โ€œBut I didnโ€™t use them,โ€ the old woman said.

โ€œWell, they are here, and you could have,โ€ he replied.

The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.

โ€œWe have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,โ€ he said.

โ€œBut I didnโ€™t go to any of those shows,โ€ she said.

The manager replied, โ€œWell, we have them, and you could have.โ€

Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, โ€œBut I didnโ€™t use it!โ€

The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.

The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him.

โ€œBut madam, this check is for only $50.00,โ€ he said.

โ€œThat is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,โ€ the old lady replied.

โ€œBut I didnโ€™t!โ€ the manager shouted.

โ€œWell, too bad, I was here, and you could have.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.

I took in a breath and asked aloud, โ€œWhatโ€™s that smell?โ€

She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, โ€œChanel, 500 dollars an ounce.โ€ She turned away.

About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.

She turns to me and asks, โ€œWhatโ€™s that smell?โ€

I say, โ€œBroccoli, $1.49 a pound.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when itโ€™s not their own.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was riding on the bus and reading an article about life and death statistics.

Then, fascinated, he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says, โ€œDid you know that every time I breathe, somebody dies?โ€

The fellow turns to him and says, โ€œHave you tried mouthwash?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chhattisgarh Minister: โ€œThe voters will get electric shock if they donโ€™t vote/press the button for Congress.

Villagers: โ€œAt least, electricity will come under this pretext.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I watched the Indian version of How I Met Your Mother.

Thereโ€™s just one episode, and it was about the wedding.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Alcohol is a perfect solvent.

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Yearโ€™s Eve.

He asks the first police officer he sees, โ€œWhy am I here?โ€

โ€œFor drinking,โ€ replies the officer.

โ€œGreat,โ€ says the man, โ€œWhen do we start?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Alcoholics donโ€™t run in my family.

But sometimes they fall down the stairs.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œHi, my name is Bob, and Iโ€™m an alcoholic.โ€

โ€œSir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.โ€

โ€œI know, Iโ€™m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs donโ€™t turn into men when they drink.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husbandโ€™s key in the door.

โ€œStay where you are,โ€ she said. โ€œHeโ€™s so drunk he wonโ€™t even notice youโ€™re in bed with me.โ€

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife, โ€œHey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. Whatโ€™s going on?โ€

โ€œNonsense,โ€ said the wife. โ€œYouโ€™re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.โ€

The husband climbed out of bed and counted, โ€œOne, two, three, four. Youโ€™re right, you know.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. โ€œShe must be a poor old fool,โ€ he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.

After heโ€™s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, โ€œSo how many have you caught today?โ€ The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, โ€œYouโ€™re the eighth.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.

He says, โ€œYouโ€™ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?โ€ The bartender turns to the band and yells, โ€œFrank, Iโ€™ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy was in a bar drinking beer.

He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.

The guy says, โ€œAs soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman was leaving a Cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldnโ€™t stand the curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, โ€œI am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but Iโ€™ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?โ€

The woman replied, โ€œWell, that first hearse is for my husband.โ€

โ€œWhat happened to him?โ€

The woman replied, โ€œMy dog attacked him to death.โ€

She inquired further, โ€œWell, who is in the second hearse?โ€

The woman answered, โ€œMy mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.โ€

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

โ€œCan I borrow the dog?โ€

โ€œGet in line!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.

One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

โ€œWho are you?โ€ he asked.

โ€œIโ€™m the Devil!โ€ she responded.

โ€œWell, come on home with me,โ€ he said, โ€œI married your sister.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

โ€œHoly cow, Mister,โ€ one of them said after catching his breath, โ€œYou scared us half to deathโ€”we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?โ€

โ€œThose fools!โ€ the old man grumbled. โ€œThey misspelled my name!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I stopped by grandmotherโ€™s house and Iโ€™m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.

Sheโ€™s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess Iโ€™ll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?

Because they just had their brains scooped out!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It was so cold that the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so cold, I farted snowflakes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What a morning...

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didnโ€™t make a snowwoman.

8:15 I made a snowwoman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snowwomanโ€™s voluptuous chest.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snowwoman to wear a headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see whatโ€™s going on.

8:42 I am told the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter, โ€œYeah, if itโ€™s up your...โ€

8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 Iโ€™m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 ISIS just claimed responsibility...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?

A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A couple goes to an art gallery.

They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesnโ€™t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks: โ€œWhat are you waiting for?โ€

The husband replies, โ€œAutumn.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t pumpkins get into arguments?

Because they have no stomach for fighting.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?

Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, โ€œItโ€™s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.โ€

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, โ€œNow, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that Iโ€™d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.โ€

โ€œThen, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.โ€

โ€œWhen I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.โ€

He continued, โ€œThen I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

โ€œWhen I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.โ€

โ€œMeanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked because itโ€™s the most accurate way of measuring my weight.

If thatโ€™s true, I still donโ€™t get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.

A salesclerk comes up to her and asks what sheโ€™s looking for.

โ€œIโ€™m looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I donโ€™t know what kind he uses.โ€

โ€œIs it the ball type?โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ she replied. โ€œItโ€™s for his armpits.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One day an Irishman called Seamus went into a pharmacy in Clonmel. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle of Irish whiskey and a teaspoon.

Seamus proceeded to pour some of the amber liquid into the teaspoon and offered it to the chemist.

โ€œCould you taste this for me, please?โ€ asked Seamus.

The chemist took the teaspoon, put it into his mouth, swilled the liquid around and swallowed it.

โ€œDoes that taste sweet to you?โ€ says Seamus.

โ€œNo, not at all,โ€ says the pharmacist.

โ€œOh thatโ€™s a relief,โ€ says Seamus. โ€œDoctor Flannigan told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, โ€œIโ€™d like to have some birth control pills.โ€

Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, โ€œExcuse me, Mrs. Smith, but youโ€™re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?โ€

The woman responded, โ€œThey help me sleep better.โ€

The pharmacist thought some more and continued, โ€œHow in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?โ€

The woman said, โ€œI put them in my granddaughterโ€™s orange juice and I sleep better at night.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of

feminine product for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

The salesgirl says confused, โ€œSir, I thought you were looking for some

feminine product for your wife?โ€

He answers, โ€œYou see, itโ€™s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause itโ€™s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œAlcohol may intensify the effects of this medicationโ€

I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Ever had to force your dog into taking its medication?

Itโ€™s the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know youโ€™re up to something.

So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they donโ€™t bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes.

But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

Thatโ€™s scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I just got a job at a pharmacy. The pay isnโ€™t great...

But the percs are amazing!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of feminine product, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, โ€œSon, how old are you?โ€

โ€œEight,โ€ the boy replied.

The man continued, โ€œDo you know what these are used for?โ€

The boy replied, โ€œNot exactly, but they arenโ€™t for me. Theyโ€™re for him. Heโ€™s my brother. Heโ€™s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he canโ€™t do either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My pharmacist recently lost his arm.

Now I call him my โ€œphacistโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?

She said, โ€œGod was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?

โ€œYou are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?

He said, โ€œHey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I heard an uber from your eyebrows to your hairline is like 40$.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I saw your hairline I thought you worked at McDonaldโ€™s.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo hairline is so bad when you look in the mirror yo hairline looks like an endangered specie.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The lice in your head are starting to concern over deforestation.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your forehead is a 20-mile taxi ride from your eyebrows to your hairline.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.

The wife and the mother-in-law.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Girlfriend: โ€œDarling, can I go out in this dress?โ€

Boyfriend: โ€œYes dear, itโ€™s already dark out.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Marriage is an institution of three rings:

engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A golden rule of the wife:

There isnโ€™t a problem in the world that couldnโ€™t be created.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The relationship between a man and a woman is a psychological one.

The woman is psycho, the man is logical.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An Iranian on taking revenge on America:

โ€œAmerica has no hero that we can target. Itโ€™s a huge country, but no real heroes. Who are we going to assassinate there? Spider-Man? SpongeBob?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why America failed to save the world from Coronavirus?

Thor is in Asgard.

Iron Man died.

Captain is now old.

Hulk doesnโ€™t have much power.

The rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona.

And China ate Spider-Man and Batman.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Spider-Man was found dead this morning.

Police believe he committed insecticide.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the childrenโ€™s activity center.

Itโ€™s like theyโ€™d never seen a naked man before.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyoneโ€™s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, โ€œDid you see what your monkey just did?โ€

โ€œNo, what?โ€

โ€œHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table โ€“ whole!โ€

โ€œYeah, that doesnโ€™t surprise me,โ€ replied the guy, โ€œHe eats everything in sight, donโ€™t worry, Iโ€™ll pay for the cue ball.โ€

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.

He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

The monkey found a cherry on the bar.

He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, โ€œDid you see what that filthy ape just did?โ€

โ€œNo, what?โ€ asked the man.

โ€œWell, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.โ€

โ€œYeah, that doesnโ€™t surprise me,โ€ replied the guy. โ€œHeโ€™ll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband says to his wife.

Husband: โ€œIโ€™m going down to the pub, get your coat on.

Wife: โ€œOoh, am I coming?โ€

Husband: โ€œNo, Iโ€™m turning the heating off.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot that you can tell who has plastic surgery.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.

He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.

In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.

Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.

As he lay dying, he cried out, โ€œGod, how could you do this to me?โ€

And a voice from the heavens responded, โ€œTo tell you the truth, Thompson, I didnโ€™t recognize you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.

Itโ€™s my wifeโ€™s birthday and I thought, โ€œWhat the hell! Iโ€™ll treat her.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut youโ€™ve ever seen.

โ€œGive me two shots of Jack Daniels,โ€ he says to the bartender. โ€œOne for me, and one for you.โ€

โ€œYou know, I donโ€™t drink on the job,โ€ the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, โ€œAnd thatโ€™s why I like you better than my barber!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Aliens: โ€œWeโ€™ve come to destroy the Earth.โ€

Greta: โ€œItโ€™s a bit late, right?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

โ€œHuman creature,โ€ the alien bellows, โ€œwe last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.โ€

The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, โ€œWell, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. Weโ€™d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and weโ€™d eat it right off the stick.โ€

โ€œThat is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?โ€

โ€œOh, nowadays we use two sticks.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so fat when she farts scientists on Tatooine think the star around Coruscant just went supernova.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat she pooped out the Death Star!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mommaโ€™s so fat she uses Kamonians as toothpicks.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mammaโ€™s so fat I saw her using a Star Destroyer as an ironing board.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat she played basketball with the Death Star.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mommaโ€™s so fat the Millenium Falcon can hide in her belly button.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that you had to use a toothpick to compete in the javelin.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that I canโ€™t see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that when you get angry at people for making fun of you, all you can do is bite their ankles.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You are so short that you can do push-ups underneath a closed door.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You are so short you fell from curb and nearly dies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that you can save on rent by living in a dollโ€™s house.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short you could use a pillow as your bed and still have some wiggle room.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short she sat on a coin and her feet didnโ€™t touch the ground.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama is so short she doesnโ€™t roll dice she pushes them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she gotta use an elevator to go up each step.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mommaโ€™s hair is so short she curls the hair with a grain of rice.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short that she does pull-ups on a staple.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short that she can play handball on the curb.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short that when she sneezes she hits her head on the floor.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she committed suicide by jumping off the curb.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. Itโ€™s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.

His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, โ€œNo, they are for the funeral.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three kids one day found a magical slide.

There was a sign next to it saying โ€œwhatever you wish for comes true once you slide downโ€.

One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.

The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.

The third kid went down and said, โ€œWeeeeeeee!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a petrol station and says, โ€œCan I please have a KitKat Chunky?โ€

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

โ€œNo,โ€ says the man, โ€œI wanted a normal KitKat, fatty.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled โ€œThe Milky Bars are on me!โ€, people just cheered.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Public Service Announcement:

โ€œIf you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggsโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?

A Tinder surprise.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I went to a church menโ€™s campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.

Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.

A few minutes go by, then someone asks, โ€œHey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good.โ€

โ€œTo which Joe replies, โ€œChocolate sausage.โ€

This gets everyoneโ€™s attention.

When the sausage finished cooking, Joe offers a piece to anyone who wanted to try it.

A few of the guys take a cut and eat it, then get confused looks on their faces.

The same guy asks Joe again, โ€œThis doesnโ€™t taste any different than normal sausage. Chocolate?..โ€

Still waking up, Joe clears his throat and says, โ€œThe horse was named Chocolate.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


life is NOT like a box of chocolates.

Itโ€™s more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

โ€œSon,โ€ said the man, โ€œeating too much candy isnโ€™t good for you.โ€

โ€œMy grandfather lived to be 100,โ€ Johnny replies.

โ€œDid he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œNo,โ€ said Johnny, โ€œHe minded his own damn business!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.

As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.

He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.

Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, โ€œIโ€™m God, looks like you were wrong about me.โ€

Nietzsche replies, โ€œNot at all. If youโ€™re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There was a young pregnant woman. Her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.

She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.

So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly, โ€œBe nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank you.โ€

She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!

The woman continued to wait for her newborn and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months, and years passed, the baby never came!

Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.

They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:

โ€œYou go first!โ€

โ€œNo, you go first!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain. So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion.

Only the prefect couldnโ€™t stand Rod, so he told him, โ€œYou will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back... erm... a pair of crocodile shoes!โ€

Roderick salutes and leaves.

Two years later, a search and rescue team is sent to India, to recover his remains.

After weeks of hacking through the jungle, they finally find him.

With a huge, thick beard and wearing rags, Rod sits on the riverbank holding a huge cudgel in his hands. Behind him is a gigantic pile of dead crocodiles.

A crocodile swims by; Rod whacks it on the head with the cudgel, drags it out of the water, examines its feet, and throws him on the pile with a curse, โ€œDamn, another one without shoes!!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors.

They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach andโ€”both of them having certain โ€œneedsโ€โ€”eventually start hooking up.

This keeps going as months turn into years and they fall in love.

One day she notices he looks depressed.

Scarlett says to him, โ€œListen, that plane crash was the best thing that ever happened to me because it means that the two of us are together. If there is anything at all I can do to cheer you up, please let me know.โ€

He tells her, โ€œActually, there is something. Put on a set of my clothes and tuck your hair up under one of my hats. Rub mud on your face so it looks like a beard and start walking down the beach.โ€

Scarlett thinks this is weird but, wanting to make him happy, goes along with it.

Once she gets about 200 yards down she turns around and sees her boyfriend running up to her shouting, โ€œBRO! BRO! Youโ€™ll never believe who Iโ€™m sleeping with!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Then I said, โ€œYour beard makes you look thinner.โ€

...But that didnโ€™t seem to cheer her up.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I was a young boy, my father taught me how to be a bearded man.

He took me into the bathroom, picked up a razor, and ate it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts.

โ€œHouston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.โ€

โ€œHouston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.โ€

โ€œHouston, we have a problem. Half of the moon is painted red and they continue.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.โ€

โ€œHouston, we have a problem. Whole moon is now red.โ€

โ€œNow is our time! Open compartment 3B/C, it contains white paint. And start painting: Coca-Cola.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.

โ€œFather, father look,โ€ the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. โ€œThe Americans have gone to the moon.โ€

The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, โ€œAll of them?โ€

โ€œNo, just 3,โ€ replies the kid.

โ€œDamn it!โ€ The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I am half Spider-Man, half batman and half moon knight...

Poor.

With no powers.

With mental disorders.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.

So when he got home from school, I said to him, โ€œSteve, do you mind sitting down, Iโ€™ve got something to tell you.โ€

โ€œDad, guess what?!โ€ he shouted excitedly.

โ€œSteve, this is important.โ€ I urged.

โ€œNo way, Dad. Listen!โ€

โ€œSteve. Please. Donโ€™t make this hard for me. Itโ€™s about your mum and me.โ€

โ€œDad! Shut up! Iโ€™ve just won ยฃ250,000 on a scratch card!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s amazing son! Your old Dadโ€™s really made up for you!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.

So I rang her and said, โ€œGuess what, I won the jackpot.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDude, guess what?โ€

โ€œWhat?โ€

โ€œI canโ€™t believe theyโ€™re still together after all that crap theyโ€™ve been through?โ€

โ€œWho?โ€

โ€œMy butt cheeks.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I went to Dunkinโ€™ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...

Iโ€™ve been banned for life from that shop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

Donuts.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A brief rise in suicide is related to the Covid pandemic.

Murderers are working from home.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I canโ€™t work with idiots.

Thatโ€™s why I work from home and got rid of all the mirrors.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before โ€œworking from homeโ€ became a thing, I had no idea how great it would feel to walk around naked and fart all day whilst working!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so poor she chases after the garbage truck with a shopping list.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so hairy people wonder why she wears a fur coat to a nude beach.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so dumb she thought Call of Duty was a game about pooping.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so dumb when she got locked in a grocery store she starved to death.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old her breast milk is powder.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid the zombies walked past her because they didnโ€™t smell any brains.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat NASA thought she was a planet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat Darth Vader couldnโ€™t even force choke her.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat she fed an entire zombie apocalypse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat when she wears her yellow raincoat people yell out โ€œtaxi!โ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take.

Donโ€™t get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I known it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system.

Uranus is between them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god?

Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But Iโ€™m not sure if Iโ€™ll keep them.

The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.

I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.

I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.

What luck! An ad for โ€œGorilla removalโ€.

I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.

5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.

At this point, I asked the guy, โ€œHey whatโ€™s the plan?โ€

He said, โ€œWell, Iโ€™m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and youโ€™ll never see that Gorilla again.โ€

To which I asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s the shotgun for?โ€

โ€œWell, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is another fancy name for a sun fart?

A solar flare.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruitโ€™s face and said, โ€œIโ€™ll bet youโ€™re wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, arenโ€™t you?โ€

And the recruit says, โ€œNo, sir! When I get out of the army Iโ€™m never gonna stand in another line again!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young Arab boy asks his father, โ€œWhat is that strange hat you are wearing?โ€

The father said, โ€œWhy, my son, it is a โ€œchechiaโ€. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.โ€

โ€œAnd what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?โ€ asked the boy.

โ€œOh, my son!โ€ exclaimed the father, โ€œIt is very simple. This is a โ€œdjbellahโ€. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My โ€œdjbellahโ€ protects the entire body.โ€

The son then asked, โ€œBut Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?โ€

โ€œThese are โ€œbabouchesโ€ my son,โ€ the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These โ€œbabouchesโ€ keep us from burning our feet.โ€

โ€œSo tell me then,โ€ added the boy.

โ€œYes, my son...โ€

โ€œWhy are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Boy: โ€œHey Beautiful, Can I have your number?โ€

Girl: โ€œNo, I have a boyfriend.โ€

Boy: โ€œBut Iโ€™m gay, can I have the number now?โ€

Girl: โ€œOh, okay! Hereโ€™s the number.โ€

Boy: โ€œThanks, Iโ€™m not really gay. Ha!โ€

Girl: โ€œThatโ€™s my boyfriendโ€™s number.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman goes to her boyfriendโ€™s parentsโ€™ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasnโ€™t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriendโ€™s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the womenโ€™s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, โ€œGinger!โ€

The woman thought, โ€œThis is great!โ€ and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didnโ€™t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, โ€œDammit, Ginger!โ€

Once again the woman smiled and thought, โ€œYes!โ€

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didnโ€™t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, โ€œDammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Girl: โ€œWhat if a boy hugs me?โ€

Mom: โ€œSay โ€˜donโ€™tโ€™.โ€

Girl: โ€œWhat if he kisses me?โ€

Mom: โ€œSay โ€˜stopโ€™.โ€

The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DONโ€™T STOP!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Madonna is 54 and her boyfriendโ€™s 25.

Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriendโ€™s 26.

So if youโ€™re single itโ€™s ok, maybe heโ€™s just not born yet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Friend 1: โ€œDoes she have a boyfriend?โ€

Friend 2: โ€œYes, a cute, strong and clever one.โ€

Friend 1: โ€œWhatโ€™s the name?โ€

Friend 2: โ€œJohn, Michael and Bill.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My boyfriend and I broke up.

He wanted to get married... I didnโ€™t want him to.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was perusing the shelves at a toy store when a customer asked an employee where the video game section was.

After pointing it out, the employee asked, โ€œIs there anything specific youโ€™re looking for?โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ said the customer. โ€œMy boyfriend.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.

Cashier: โ€œYou must be single, right?โ€

Me: โ€œYes! How did you know?โ€

Cashier: โ€œBecause youโ€™re ugly.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?

He deserted his post.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The ice cream parlor asks for my order.

Parlor: โ€œHello Sir, can I take your order?โ€

Me: โ€œYes, Iโ€™d like a male hot fudge sundae please.โ€

Parlor: โ€œIโ€™m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?โ€

Me: โ€œYes, with nuts.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter, โ€œDo you have onion-flavored ice cream?โ€

The guy says, โ€œNo, we donโ€™t have onion-flavored ice cream.โ€

So the kid says, โ€œOk,โ€ and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question.

The guy again informs him that they donโ€™t carry onion-flavored ice cream.

This goes on for a week, and the guy running the ice cream shop figures the kid is probably autistic.

So, one night, he goes home and starts to work on a recipe for onion-flavored ice cream. He stays up all night working and perfecting onion-flavored ice cream, just for this kid.

Then, the next morning, when the kid comes in at his usual time and asks if they have onion-flavored ice cream, the guy answers him.

โ€œYes! Yes, we have onion-flavored ice cream!โ€

The kid replies, โ€œYou must be stupid. Who is gonna buy onion-flavored ice cream?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mommaโ€™s nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo moma so lazy she sticks her nose out the door and let the air blow it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s so stupid she combs the hair in her nose and not on her head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s nose is so big she can smell a fart coming.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s nose hairs are so long that they make Bobobo jealous!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s breath is so bad that when she talks her nose hairs fall out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat when she sat on a dollar bill she squeezed a booger out of George Washingtonโ€™s nose.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.

When they ran into a family of skunks.

They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.

The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, โ€œThereโ€™s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?โ€

The husband thinks for a second and says, โ€œHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.โ€

The wife replies, โ€œWell what about the smell?โ€

The husband says, โ€œItโ€™ll be alright, just hold its nose.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high... he just couldnโ€™t stop as fast.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

Sheโ€™s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the womenโ€™s restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: โ€œCode 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.โ€

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We donโ€™t have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a โ€œCAUTION โ€“ WET FLOORโ€ sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers heโ€™d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed โ€œWhy canโ€™t you people just leave me alone?โ€. EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the โ€œMission Impossibleโ€ theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his โ€œMadonna Lookโ€ using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled โ€œPICK ME! PICK ME!โ€.

October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed โ€œOH NO! ITโ€™S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!โ€.

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly โ€œHey! Thereโ€™s no toilet paper in hereโ€. One of the clerks passed out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


All mushrooms are edible.

But some mushrooms are only edible once.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.

After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story... killed him.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in racehorses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines โ€œPreacherโ€™s Ass showsโ€.

The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won!

The papers said โ€œPreacherโ€™s Ass out in Frontโ€. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The newspaper printed this headline โ€œBishop Scratches Preacherโ€™s Assโ€. This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal.

The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The headlines the next day read โ€œNun has the Best Ass in Townโ€. The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.

The paper states โ€œNun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucksโ€. They buried the Bishop the next day.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut.

I said, โ€œWhy are you crying? Iโ€™m the one that has to find a new girlfriend.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: โ€œAbdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?โ€

Abdul: โ€œSir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.โ€

Today is Abdulโ€™s farewell party.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with earpiece).

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.

On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Disney is updating a childrenโ€™s classic with a pandemic theme.

Itโ€™s called โ€œThe Never Ending Storyโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disneyโ€™s Up for Halloween.

Iโ€™ll dress up as an old guy and sheโ€™ll dress up as a tombstone.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Blonde enters the pharmacy.

โ€œDo you have a pregnancy test?โ€

โ€œYes, we do.โ€

โ€œAre questions hard?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, โ€œDo you sell carrots?โ€

The pharmacist, surprised, responds, โ€œNo, this is a pharmacy.โ€

The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.

This time, the man responds, โ€œAs I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.โ€

Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.

Annoyed, the pharmacist says, โ€œLook, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.โ€

On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, โ€œDo you sell carrots?โ€

Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard that its teeth get completely shattered.

The rabbit leaves... and comes back the next day,

โ€œDo ya seh cahot juys?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isnโ€™t a fan of protection.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, โ€œIโ€™m supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m so sorry, Mr. Kringle,โ€ said the elf in charge of the workshop. โ€œOne of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. Iโ€™m afraid we only have four elites tonight.โ€

โ€œSo be it,โ€ said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done, Santa was one hour overdue.

Finally, the sack was full. Santa dragged the heavy sack out of the workshop and to his sleigh. But the sleigh, of course, was very old, and some of the wood was rotting. So when Santa put the sack into the sleigh, it went right through the wood.

He hoisted the sack out of the hole, rushed to the barn, and came back with a hammer, nails, a ruler, a saw, and several planks of fresh wood.

It took two hours for Santa to fix the sleigh. By the time he was done, he was three hours overdue.

Finally, the hole in the sleigh had been patched. Santa went back to the barn to put away the hammer, the ruler, and the saw, and also to fetch his eight tiny reindeer. But when he got there, he found that he had left the door open.

โ€œOh no!โ€ he said. โ€œSome of the reindeer may have escaped!โ€

Indeed, when Santa entered the barn, he found that Dasher, Dancer, and Donner had run away. To make matters worse, Comet and Cupid were giving birth to fawns. Only three of the regular reindeer could pull the sleigh that year.

Santa immediately ordered some of his elves to look for the missing reindeer, and others to help Comet and Cupid give birth. Then he hitched Prancer, Vixen, and Blitzen to the sleigh without any problems. Now he needed to find five replacement reindeer. He eventually settled on Basher, Flasher, Smasher, Rudolph (this was before his nose started glowing), and Fred.

But those reindeer had never pulled a sleigh before, and it took two hours for Santa to hitch them. By the time he was done, he was five hours overdue.

Finally, a very stressed Santa Claus sat in his sleigh, ready to begin his flight. Just then, an angel walked by with a Christmas tree she had cut down.

โ€œGood evening, Santa,โ€ said the angel. โ€œWhere do you want me to put this?โ€

And so began the tradition of putting the angel at the top of the tree.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, โ€œI donโ€™t do that sort of thing on my first date!โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ Bill replied with sarcasm, โ€œhow about on your last date?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

โ€œGood night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.โ€

Her dad asked her, โ€œWhy goodbye?โ€

โ€œOh, I dunno, I just felt like it.โ€

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.

โ€œGood night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.

Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.

The very next day, Sallyโ€™s grandma died.

That night, when Sally said โ€œGood night Mom, goodbye Dadโ€, Sallyโ€™s dad began to panic. He knew this couldnโ€™t just be a coincidence.

So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.

Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.

He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.

โ€œOh, it was just awful!โ€ she replied. โ€œThe Milkman died!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband whispers to wife as theyโ€™re going to sleep, โ€œGood night, mother of six.โ€

โ€œGood night, father of one,โ€ she replies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A priest and a nun are having a tennis match.

The priest is very competitive, but canโ€™t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better.

After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€, startling the nun.

She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce backhand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€

โ€œStop it!โ€ yells the nun. โ€œYou canโ€™t use the Lordโ€™s name in vain like that!โ€

The priest apologizes, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.โ€

โ€œFair enough,โ€ grumbles the nun.

The match continues. Itโ€™s going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€

Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the nun into ashes...

A thundering voice emits from the skies, โ€œDamn it! I missed!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.

His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.

โ€œIncredible!,โ€ says his friend.

โ€œMedical science is amazing!โ€

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

โ€œIncredible!,โ€ says his friend.

โ€œMedical science is amazing!โ€

Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.

Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his friend but canโ€™t find him.

He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, โ€œDoc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.โ€

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, โ€œOh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady.

She said to me, โ€œSonny, would you like some nuts? Iโ€™ve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if youโ€™d like.โ€

โ€œSure.โ€, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

โ€œWhat a nice ladyโ€, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.

I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you eat them yourself?โ€

โ€œBecause weโ€™ve got no teeth,โ€ she replied.

โ€œThen why do you buy them?โ€, I asked.

โ€œOh, because we just love the chocolate around them.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.

Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, โ€œWhatโ€™s your secret?โ€ The guy whispers, โ€œAll you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants.โ€

In a flourish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants.

But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror.

Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and desperately asks, โ€œWhy are all the girls running away from me?โ€

The first guy looks up and replies, โ€œThe pickleโ€™s on the wrong side.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit on another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked, โ€œWould you mind if I throw him a bit?โ€

โ€œNot at all,โ€ the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, โ€œI hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.โ€

โ€œOdd,โ€ her companion replies, โ€œbut if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.โ€

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.

โ€œTwo dogs, please,โ€ she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their โ€œdogsโ€.

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.

Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, โ€œWhat part did you get?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.

He comes upon a question:

What separates the head from the body?

Ahmed answers:

The axe.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, โ€œHow would you like it if you didnโ€™t see me for two or three days?โ€

โ€œThat would be fine with meโ€, he replied.

Monday went by and he didnโ€™t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Love is like farting.

If you have to force it, itโ€™s going to end in a mess.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Love is a lot like peeing your pants.

Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, โ€œDad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.โ€

After dinner, Georgeโ€™s dad took him aside, โ€œSon, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, sheโ€™s a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.โ€

โ€œSusan is actually your half-sister, and Iโ€™m afraid you canโ€™t marry her.โ€

George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, โ€œDiane said yes! Weโ€™re getting married in June.โ€

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news, โ€œDiane is your half-sister too, George. Iโ€™m awfully sorry about this.โ€

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

โ€œDad has done so much harm. I guess Iโ€™m never going to get married,โ€ he complained. โ€œEvery time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.โ€

โ€œHee hee,โ€ his mother chuckled, shaking her head, โ€œDonโ€™t pay any attention to what he says. Heโ€™s not really your father.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One time I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message.

30 seconds later I heard my uncle crying in the next room...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend: โ€œMy girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.โ€

Me: โ€œHey babe, what do you wanna eat?โ€

Her: โ€œNothing.โ€

Me: Flies to Africa.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My kids wonโ€™t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend keeps saying, โ€œEvery time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.โ€

I said, โ€œTry ordering Tacos instead.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re riding a horse full speed, thereโ€™s a giraffe beside you, and youโ€™re being chased by a lion. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A first-grade teacher canโ€™t believe her student isnโ€™t hepped up about the Super Bowl.

โ€œItโ€™s a huge event. Why arenโ€™t you excited?โ€

โ€œBecause Iโ€™m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,โ€ says the student.

โ€œWell, thatโ€™s a lousy reason,โ€ says the teacher. โ€œWhat if your parents were morons? What would you be then?โ€

โ€œThen Iโ€™d be a football fan.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t orphans play baseball?

They donโ€™t know where home is.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is Superman stupid?

Because he wears his underwear over his pants.

Why is Batman more stupid?

Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.

Why is Robin even more stupid?

Because he followed what batman did.

Why is Wonder Woman stupid?

Because she wears a belt on her head.

Why is Spider-Man the most stupid superhero of them all?

Because he wears his underwear over his head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A pharmacist returns to his shop from lunch to find a man leaning against the wall.

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with him?โ€ He asks his assistant.

โ€œHe came in for some cough syrup,โ€ explains the assistant. โ€œBut I couldnโ€™t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.โ€

โ€œWhat!โ€ The pharmacist says, horrified. โ€œYou canโ€™t treat a cough with laxatives!โ€

โ€œOf course you can,โ€ the assistant declares. โ€œLook at him โ€“ heโ€™s far too scared to cough.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, โ€œCrushed nuts?โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ he replied, โ€œarthritis.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?

8 pirates.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?

Right where ye left him!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do a man whoโ€™s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath, he asked, โ€œPlease, may I hide under your skirt? Iโ€™ll explain later.โ€

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, โ€œSister, have you seen a soldier?โ€

The nun replied, โ€œHe went that way.โ€

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, โ€œI canโ€™t thank you enough, sister. You see, I donโ€™t want to go to Iraq.โ€

The nun said, โ€œI understand completely.โ€

The soldier added, โ€œI hope Iโ€™m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!โ€

The nun replied, โ€œIf you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I donโ€™t want to go to Iraq either.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œWhere did you get this mushroom recipe?โ€ The husband asks his wife.

โ€œIn a detective novel,โ€ she answers.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is blue and lies under a mushroom?

Smurf poop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

โ€œHow wonderful! I hope you donโ€™t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?โ€

โ€œHe ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ€

โ€œOh, how tragic! What about your second husband?โ€

โ€œHe also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ€

โ€œOh, how terrible! Iโ€™m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.โ€

โ€œHe died of a broken neck.โ€

โ€œA broken neck?โ€

โ€œHe wouldnโ€™t eat the mushrooms.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two menโ€”one a brunette and the other a blondeโ€”were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.

The brunette guy says, โ€œWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.โ€

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks โ€“ with no luck.

He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.

The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, โ€œYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Broccoli: โ€œHey, I look like a tree.โ€

Mushroom: โ€œWow, I look just like an umbrella.โ€

Walnut: โ€œI look exactly like a brain.โ€

Banana: โ€œMan, can we change the topic please?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?

When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norrisโ€™ first job was as a paperboy.

There were no survivors.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.

Without any preliminaries, she said she wanted a divorce.

โ€œOn what grounds?โ€ asked the lawyer.

โ€œI donโ€™t think he is faithful to me,โ€ she replied.

โ€œAnd what makes you think he isnโ€™t faithful?โ€ asked the lawyer.

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the young lady, โ€œI donโ€™t think he is the father of my child.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


This guy was sitting in his attorneyโ€™s office.

His lawyer says, โ€œDo you want the bad news first or the terrible news?โ€

โ€œGive me the bad news first,โ€ he says.

โ€œYour wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,โ€ his lawyer informs him.

โ€œThatโ€™s the bad news?โ€ asks the man incredulously. โ€œI canโ€™t wait to hear the terrible news.โ€

โ€œThe terrible news is that itโ€™s of you and your secretary.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman walks into the Social Workerโ€™s office, trailed by 15 kids.

โ€œWOW!โ€ the social worker exclaims, โ€œAre they ALL yours?โ€

โ€œYeah, theyโ€™re all mine,โ€ the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, โ€œSit down Terry.โ€ All the children rush to find seats.

โ€œWell,โ€ says the social worker, โ€œthen you must be here to sign up. Iโ€™ll need all your childrenโ€™s names.โ€

โ€œThis oneโ€™s my oldest โ€“ he is Terry.โ€

โ€œOK, and whoโ€™s next?โ€

โ€œWell, this one he is Terry, also.โ€

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

โ€œAll right,โ€ says the caseworker, โ€œIโ€™m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?โ€

Their Mother replied, โ€œWell, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell โ€œTerry!โ€, and when itโ€™s time for dinner, I just yell โ€œTerry!โ€, and they all come running.

And if I need to stop the kid whoโ€™s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. Itโ€™s the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.โ€

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, โ€œBut what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?โ€

โ€œI call them by their surnames.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Retail job interview (2012).

โ€œWhere do you see yourself in 10 years?โ€

โ€œYou mean after the global pandemic or before the war?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s true women do make less money than men. But itโ€™s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.

Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.

Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people donโ€™t?

Depreciation.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

They celebrate it in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.

The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, โ€œIsnโ€™t it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?โ€

The wife replies saying, โ€œYes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here without clothes,โ€ with a naughty voice.

Both donโ€™t doubt for a moment and they take off their clothes. They sit back down at the table giggling.

The wife says, โ€œYou know honey, even my mamillae are just as hot as 50 years ago.โ€

โ€œNo wonder,โ€ the man replies, โ€œone of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.

It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, โ€œExcuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?โ€

The Harvard student replies, โ€œAt Harvard, you donโ€™t end a sentence with a preposition.โ€

The kid said, โ€œSorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.

She used to say โ€œYou shall not pass!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, โ€œNow Iโ€™ll show you this frog in my pocket.โ€

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.

He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, โ€œThatโ€™s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his backyard.

The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.

โ€œHello Johnny, what are you up to?โ€ he asked.

โ€œMy goldfish died and Iโ€™m gonna bury him,โ€ Johnny replied.

โ€œThatโ€™s a really big hole for a goldfish, isnโ€™t it?โ€ asked the neighbor.

โ€œThatโ€™s because heโ€™s inside your cat!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

โ€œIf I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?โ€, he asked her.

The secretary replied, โ€œEverything but my earrings.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Math teacher: โ€œIf I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?โ€

Student: โ€œA drinking problem.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so ugly her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he canโ€™t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When heโ€™s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave heโ€™d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, โ€œJust bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A balding man was getting a haircut.

The manโ€™s barber said, โ€œDo you know what they say if youโ€™re bald in the front?โ€

Man: โ€œNo.โ€

Barber: โ€œThey say youโ€™re a thinker.โ€

Man: โ€œOh?!โ€

Barber: โ€œDo you know what they say if youโ€™re bald in the back?โ€

Man: โ€œNo.โ€

Barber: โ€œThey say youโ€™re a lover.โ€

The man perked up.

Man: โ€œWhat do they say if youโ€™re bald in the front and the back?โ€

Barber: โ€œThat you only think youโ€™re a lover.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde enters a library.

She goes to the counter and says, โ€œIโ€™ll like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.โ€

The librarian says, โ€œMaโ€™am this is a library.โ€

So the blonde leans in and whispers, โ€œIโ€™d like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who falls overboard and canโ€™t swim?

Bob.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?

Lilly.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?

Frank.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?

Claude.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?

Phil.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?

Eve.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?

Lou.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?

Neal.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?

Chuck.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?

Rob.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess why football stadiums are so cool?

Most seats have a fan on them!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.

So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?

She couldnโ€™t do either.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?

None โ€“ they gave up.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wife: โ€œI look fat. Can you give me a compliment?โ€

Husband: โ€œYou have perfect eyesight.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.

Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A couple goes to the cinema.

โ€œTwo tickets, please,โ€ says the man.

โ€œHobbit?โ€ asks the cashier lady.

โ€œNo, thatโ€™s my wife.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.

After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in.

He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldnโ€™t fix.

I suggested, โ€œBreak its legs.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The only clan thing you find in a well cleaned big nose is fingerprints.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was the man with the big nose sad?

He could really smell his feet!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the worst thing about having a big nose?

Birds are always perching on it!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your nose is so big that when you lie on your back in the pool, people think itโ€™s a shark!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s worse than having a big nose?

Having a big nose and tiny hands!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning in the ocean?

He was just too far out, man.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid when she threw a grenade at me, I pulled the pin and threw it back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so stupid she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so stupid she cut holes in her umbrella to see if it was raining.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so stupid she yelled into an envelope because she wanted to send a voicemail.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so stupid I told her Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so small she has to wear a torn napkin as a dress.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she has to hold a sign up that says โ€œDonโ€™t spit, I canโ€™t swimโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old she rode dinosaurs to school.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, โ€œDo you mind if I put some music on?โ€

I said, โ€œNot at all.โ€

He said, โ€œโ€˜Kiss?โ€™โ€

I said, โ€œLetโ€™s listen to the music first and see how we feelโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My neighbors listen to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?

Make them stub their toe.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œI eat mop.โ€

โ€œI eat mop, who?โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s revolting!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.

I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, โ€œHoney thereโ€™s a witch at the door. What shall I do?โ€

She shouted back, โ€œJust give her some candy and tell her to get lost.โ€

My mother-in-law hasnโ€™t spoken to me since.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Iโ€™m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris once ate a Rubikโ€™s Cube and pooped it out solved.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There is no chin behind Chuck Norrisโ€™ beard. There is only another fist.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

โ€œExcuse me for disturbing you, maโ€™am,โ€ he said politely, โ€œbut I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and Iโ€™ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s right.โ€

โ€œEvery day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.โ€

โ€œWell, today is his birthday.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?

Fleas.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One alien says to another, โ€œThe dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.โ€

The second alien replies, โ€œAre they an emerging intelligence?โ€

The first alien says, โ€œI donโ€™t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do aliens not eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, youโ€™ll be a mile away and youโ€™ll have their shoes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short people thought she was a Funko Pop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun sweat.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so hot when she got into the Arctic Ocean it turned into a hot tub.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so hot when she visits Antarctica locals call it summertime.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so hot rangers banned her from National Parks for starting forest fires.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so hot her hugs give third-degree burns.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so hot scientists deemed her the leading cause of global warming.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so dumb she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so dumb she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so dumb she sits on the TV and watches the couch!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so dumb she watches โ€œThe Three Stoogesโ€ and takes notes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so dumb she bought a solar-powered flashlight.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so old she farts dust!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so old when she was young, rainbows were black and white!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so old her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so ugly when she walks into a bank they turn off the cameras.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest they said "Sorry, no professionals".

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so fat she sat on a dollar and when she got up there were 4 quarters.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says โ€œto be continuedโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so fat she gets group insurance!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so fat a picture of her would fall off the wall!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo Mama's appetite is so huge she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo Mama's so disgusting she keeps maggots as pets.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma's arm-pits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama's got a leather wig with suede sideburns.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.

The owner said, โ€œHeck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!โ€

She said, โ€œI can teach it good manners.โ€

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, โ€œDid you learn your lesson?โ€

It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.

She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.

The parrot said โ€œBrr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three guys are in the woods: a really smart guy, an average and a really dumb guy.

They are bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting.

A little while later he comes back with a deer.

The average guy asks, โ€œHow did you do that?โ€

The really smart guy says, โ€œI see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer and I shoot deer.โ€

The average guy says, โ€œI think I understand,โ€ and leaves.

A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon.

He really dumb goes gasp, โ€œHow did you do that!?โ€

And the average looks at him funny and says, โ€œWell I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon and I shoot raccoon.

The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, โ€œOooohh ok, I think I can do thatโ€ฆ,โ€ and leaves.

Hours pass and the guy finally returns hurt, bloody and horribly mingled. They run to help him.

Finally one of the guys asked him what happened.

This is what he said, โ€œI see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train and I shoot train, but train keeps coming.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œNow class, if you are dumb, please stand up.โ€

No one stands up.

Teacher: โ€œOh cโ€™mon. I know someone over here is dumb.โ€ Waves her finger around the left side of the room.

Little Johnny stands up.

Teacher: โ€œOh, Johnny, you think youโ€™re dumb?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œNo, I just feel bad youโ€™re standing alone.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You so dumb you have to stop during track workouts to ask for directions.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You so dumb you once tried to exchange a bib number because you thought the whole thing was printed upside down.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Man: โ€œGod, why did you make woman so beautiful?โ€

God: โ€œSo you would love her?โ€

Man: โ€œBut God, why did you make her so dumb?โ€

God: โ€œSo she would love you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When Chuck Norris was a baby, he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When the Tooth fairy comes to your house, she takes your tooth and gives you money.

When Chuck Norris comes to your house, he breaks your tooth and takes your money.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.

Itโ€™s now called Red Bull.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesnโ€™t hire stupid people.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.

I picked a guyโ€™s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My father was stupid.

He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great-uncle fought for the west!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, โ€œI brought some water so we donโ€™t get dehydrated.โ€

The redhead says, โ€œI brought some suntan lotion so we donโ€™t get sunburned.โ€

Then the blonde says, โ€œI brought a car door.โ€

The other girls ask, โ€œWhy did you bring that?โ€

The blonde says, โ€œSo I can roll down the window if it gets hot.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunnyโ€™s lap.

When it was his turn, Jake didnโ€™t move, he just stared.

โ€œDonโ€™t you want to sit on the bunnyโ€™s lap?โ€, I asked.

โ€œNo!โ€, he shouted. โ€œThereโ€™s a man in his mouth!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At the family reunion.

Boy: โ€œIโ€™m here to talk about our family, but Mom always taught me that if I donโ€™t have anything nice to say, I shouldnโ€™t say anything at all. Good Day.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Good moms let you lick the beaters.

Great moms turn them off first.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is a Jewsโ€™ biggest dilemma?

Free Pork.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

Somebody dropped a shekel!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are synagogues round?

So the Jews canโ€™t hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says โ€œConvert to Christianity and weโ€™ll give you $100.โ€

The one says to the other, โ€œShould we do it?โ€

The other says โ€œNo! Are you crazy?โ€

The first guy replies โ€œHey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... Iโ€™m gonna do it.โ€

So he walks into the church, and a little while later, he walks back out.

The friend says โ€œWell, did you get the money?โ€

He replies โ€œOh thatโ€™s all you people think about, isnโ€™t it?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?

Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?

The players donโ€™t yell โ€œFore!โ€ they yell โ€œ$3.99!โ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s a Jews favorite band?

Nickelback.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?

When it graduates from medical school.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.

His father replied, โ€œTen dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, Iโ€™d be happy to give you a dollar, hereโ€™s a quarter.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do Jews have big noses?

Because the air is free.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?

He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, โ€œHey kids, do you want to buy some toys?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How does every racist joke start?

By looking over your shoulder!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St Johnโ€™s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.

He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, โ€œIf I had all the beer in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€ ย

With even greater emphasis he added, โ€œAnd if I had all the wine in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€

Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, โ€œAnd if I had all the whiskey in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€

The Reverend Morgan then sat down.

Jerry, St Johnโ€™s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, โ€œFor our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.

While in the church, the girl asked her mother, โ€œWhy is the bride dressed in white?โ€

The mother replied to the girl, โ€œBecause white is the color of happiness and itโ€™s the happiest day of her life today.โ€

After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, โ€œBut, then why is the groom wearing black?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldnโ€™t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate.

Reading his momโ€™s thoughts, his son volunteered, โ€œI know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.โ€

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, โ€œEver since your mother came to dinner, Iโ€™ve been unable to find the silver plate. You donโ€™t suppose your mother took it, do you?โ€

He said, โ€œWell I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure!โ€

He sat down and wrote:

Dear mom,

After you visited me, the silver plate has been missing. Iโ€™m not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and Iโ€™m not saying that you donโ€™t take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love

Your son

Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:

Dear Son,

Iโ€™m not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and Iโ€™m not saying that you donโ€™t sleep with her, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love

Mom

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, โ€œWhat are you doing? Sneakers wonโ€™t help you outrun that bear.โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t need to outrun the bear,โ€ the first guy says. โ€œI just need to outrun you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, โ€œThis is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.โ€

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, โ€œWhich do you want, son?โ€

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

โ€œWhat did I tell you?โ€, said the barber. โ€œThat kid never learns!โ€

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

โ€œHey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?โ€

The boy licked his cone and replied, โ€œBecause the day I take the dollar, the game is over!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A priest had 3 people at confession.

He went to Guy 1 and asked, โ€œWhat sin did you commit?โ€

Guy 1 responded, โ€œI murdered someone.โ€

The priest responded, โ€œDrink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.โ€

He did so and stood back.

The priest asked Guy 2 and asked, โ€œWhat sin did you commit?โ€

Guy 2 responded, โ€œI cheated on my wife.โ€

The priest responded, โ€œDrink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.โ€

He did so and stood back as well.

Then it was the 3rd personโ€™s turn.

The priest asked him, โ€œSo, what sin did you commit?โ€

Nervously, Guy 3 responded, โ€œUmโ€ฆwell, you see, Fatherโ€ฆI peed in the holy water.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...

I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. Itโ€™s been 4 days, Iโ€™m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, โ€œWhatโ€™s the word on the street?โ€

โ€œOnce my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two dragons walk into a bar.

The first one says, โ€œIt sure is hot in here.โ€

His friend snaps back, โ€œShut your mouth!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, โ€œHey, this is a singles bar.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A skunk fell into the river and stank to the bottom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? Thereโ€™s no menuโ€”you get what you deserve.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You canโ€™t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youโ€™re signing someoneโ€™s cast.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are hockey players like goldfish?

You could tap on the glass and youโ€™d get their attention.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.

He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.

He responds, โ€œNo, the seatโ€™s empty.โ€

The first man exclaims, โ€œWhat?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?โ€

The neighbor responds, โ€œWell the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we havenโ€™t been together.โ€

The first man responds,โ€ Iโ€™m sorry to hear that. Wasnโ€™t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that couldโ€™ve taken that seat?โ€

The neighbor responds, โ€œNo, theyโ€™re all at the funeral.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.

โ€œJust jump out the window,โ€ a man yells. โ€œIโ€™m a baseball player. I can catch you.โ€

โ€œWait,โ€ she says. โ€œWhat team do you play for?โ€

โ€œThe Cincinnati Reds,โ€ shouts the man.

โ€œEhhhh,โ€ shrugs the woman. โ€œIโ€™ll take my chances with the fire.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you have against some people?

Wellโ€ฆ for example, knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenadesโ€ฆ

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do not be racist, be like Mario.

Heโ€™s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that theyโ€™ll play a game with the kids. Theyโ€™ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.

At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.

โ€œWell,โ€ he says, โ€œitโ€™s what mommy calls me sometimesโ€.

The little girl screams, โ€œDonโ€™t eat it! Itโ€™s an asshole!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?

To get another rib.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At school, Little Johnnyโ€™s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so itโ€™s very easy to blackmail them by saying โ€œI know the whole truthโ€.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnnyโ€™s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, โ€œJust donโ€™t tell your father.โ€

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, โ€œPlease donโ€™t say a word to your mother.โ€

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, โ€œThen come give your Daddy a great big hug!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Doctor: โ€œIโ€™ve got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live.โ€

Patient: โ€œWhat could be worse news than that?โ€

Doctor: โ€œIโ€™ve been trying to contact you for the last 6 days.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband: โ€œI had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.โ€

Friend: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s really impressive! What did she say?!โ€

Husband: โ€œCome out from under that sofa, you coward!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.

Woman: โ€œI need to buy some arsenic.โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWhy do you need arsenic?โ€

Woman: โ€œI need arsenic because I want to give it to my husband.โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWHAT?โ€

Woman: โ€œYou heard me! I want to give it to my husband!โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWhy on earth would you want to do that?โ€

Woman: โ€œBecause heโ€™s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWell why didnโ€™t you tell me you had a prescription?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A child asked his father, โ€œHow were people born?โ€

So his father said, โ€œAdam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.โ€

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, โ€œWe were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.โ€

The child ran back to his father and said, โ€œYou lied to me!โ€

His father replied, โ€œNo, your mom was talking about her side of the family.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before Marriage.

Boy: โ€œAh at last. I can hardly wait.โ€

Girl: โ€œDo you want me to leave?โ€

Boy: โ€œNo, don't even think about it.โ€

Girl: โ€œDo you love me?โ€

Boy: โ€œOf Course. Always have and always will.โ€

Girl: โ€œHave you ever cheated on me?โ€

Boy: โ€œNever. Why are you even asking?โ€

Girl: โ€œWill you kiss me?โ€

Boy: โ€œHell no. Are you crazy?โ€

Girl: โ€œCan I trust you?โ€

Boy: โ€œYes.โ€

Girl: โ€œDarling!โ€

After Marriageโ€ฆ (Read from bottom to top)

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Earth is the third planet from the sun.

By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œI wanna be the sun of your life!โ€

โ€œThen stay at 1 000 000 km of me!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?

Turn into bacon.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.

Murphy objected, โ€œIf you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!โ€

โ€œWhat do you think we are, stupid?โ€ Declan replied, โ€œWeโ€™ll send our

man at night!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œEurope.โ€

โ€œEurope, who?โ€

โ€œNo, YOUโ€™RE a poo!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.

Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons.

If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.

She asks him: โ€œLittle Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?โ€

He: โ€œLike the moon.โ€

The teacher: โ€œThatโ€™s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peacefulโ€.

Little Johnny: โ€œNo, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?

He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your momma so short she takes a shower in a raindrop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so short she canโ€™t say a thing without a microphone!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so short when she plays Fortnite she can hide under the freaking store.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she has to slam dunk her bus fare.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so hot doctors say her blood type is lava.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so hot when Electra and Haspiel saw her, they burned to death.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama is so hot I gotta wear oven mitts to touch her.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so hot she makes jalapeรฑos cry.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun look like Antarctica.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so dumb she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so dumb and hungry the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama is so dumb when dad said itโ€™s chilly outside she brought a spoon and a bowl.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so dumb when yโ€™all were driving to Disneyland she saw a sign that said โ€œDisneyland leftโ€ so she went home.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma is so dumb she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma is so old I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo Mama is so old Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so ugly that most Snapchat filters make her better looking.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so ugly she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama is so ugly she made One Direction go in another direction.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your momma so ugly when she looks in the mirror the reflection ducks!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma is so stupid when I said โ€œDrinks are on the houseโ€ she got a ladder.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s so stupid she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said โ€œconcentrateโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldnโ€™t find the โ€œCALLโ€ button.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo Mamaโ€™s so stupid she thinks Los Angeles is where God lives with all his angels.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid I said โ€œKool-Aidโ€ and she jumped through the wall.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s so fat when she fell I didnโ€™t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so fat that the National Weather Service names each of her farts.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, โ€œI need your weight, not your phone number.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so fat she canโ€™t reach her back pocket.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat when she died she broke the stairway to heaven.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so scary you thought the monsters in your closet were friends.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s so fat I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid she tried to save a fish from drowning.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkeyโ€”heโ€™s always stuffed.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why didnโ€™t the chicken cross the road?

Because there was a KFC on the other side.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are cats better than babies?

Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they canโ€™t find the number eleven on their phone.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

You tell her a joke on Wednesday.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

After walking along for a while they eventually found a lamp and rubbed it.

A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home.

Poof! She was transported back home.

The brunette wished to be back at home with her family.

Poof! She was magically transported back home.

The blonde then says, โ€œAww, I wish my friends were here.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Student: โ€œ503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?โ€

Teacher: โ€œ502.โ€

Student: โ€œHow do you put an elephant in a fridge?โ€

Teacher: โ€œNo you canโ€™t fit an elephant in a fridge!โ€

Student: โ€œJust open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œHow do you put a giraffe in the fridge?โ€

Teacher: โ€œOpen the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œNo! Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œThe Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?โ€

Teacher: โ€œThe lion?โ€

Student: โ€œNo! The giraffe because heโ€™s in a fridge.โ€

Student: โ€œSally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?โ€

Teacher: โ€œSally stepped on the alligator's mouth?โ€

Student: โ€œThe gators are at the party.โ€

Student: โ€œBut Sally dies anyway. Why?โ€

Teacher: โ€œShe drowned?!โ€

Student: โ€œNo! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


















© 2022-2023 jokes.best