Enjoy our team's carefully selected Bad Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
The ambulance.
😄 😄 😄
All mushrooms are edible.
But some mushrooms are only edible once.
😄 😄 😄
A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.
After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.
The morel of the story.. killed him.
😄 😄 😄
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third.
The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines “Preacher’s Ass shows”.
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won!
The papers said “Preacher’s Ass out in Front”. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The newspaper printed this headline “Bishop Scratches Preacher’s Ass”. This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal.
The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The headlines the next day read “Nun has the Best Ass in Town”. The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.
The paper states “Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks”. They buried the Bishop the next day.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut.
I said, “Why are you crying? I’m the one that has to find a new girlfriend.”
😄 😄 😄
The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but
yesterday, this conversation happened.
Boss: “Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?”
Abdul: “Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.”
Today is Abdul’s farewell party.
😄 😄 😄
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with ear piece).
😄 😄 😄
In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.
On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...
😄 😄 😄
Disney is updating a children’s classic with a pandemic theme.
It’s called “The Never Ending Story”.
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.
I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.
😄 😄 😄
Blonde enters the pharmacy.
“Do you have pregnancy test?”
“Yes, we do.”
“Are questions hard?”
😄 😄 😄
A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”
The pharmacist, surprised, responds, “No, this is a pharmacy.”
The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.
This time, the man responds, “As I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.”
Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.
Annoyed, the pharmacist says, “Look, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.”
On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, “Do you sell carrots?”
Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard its teeth get completely shattered.
The rabbit leaves, and comes back the next day.
“Do ya seh cahot juys?”
😄 😄 😄
Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.
She clearly isn’t a fan of protection.
😄 😄 😄
One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, “I’m supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time.”
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Kringle,” said the elf in charge of the workshop. “One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I’m afraid we only have four elites tonight.”
“So be it,” said Santa.
It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done, Santa was one hour overdue.
Finally, the sack was full. Santa dragged the heavy sack out of the workshop and to his sleigh. But the sleigh, of course, was very old, and some of the wood was rotting. So when Santa put the sack into the sleigh, it went right through the wood.
He hoisted the sack out of the hole, rushed to the barn, and came back with a hammer, nails, a ruler, a saw, and several planks of fresh wood.
It took two hours for Santa to fix the sleigh. By the time he was done, he was three hours overdue.
Finally, the hole in the sleigh had been patched. Santa went back to the barn to put away the hammer, the ruler, and the saw, and also to fetch his eight tiny reindeer. But when he got there, he found that he had left the door open.
“Oh no!” he said. “Some of the reindeer may have escaped!”
Indeed, when Santa entered the barn, he found that Dasher, Dancer, and Donner had run away. To make matters worse, Comet and Cupid were giving birth to fawns. Only three of the regular reindeer could pull the sleigh that year.
Santa immediately ordered some of his elves to look for the missing reindeer, and others to help Comet and Cupid give birth. Then he hitched Prancer, Vixen, and Blitzen to the sleigh without any problems. Now he needed to find five replacement reindeer. He eventually settled on Basher, Flasher, Smasher, Rudolph (this was before his nose started glowing), and Fred.
But those reindeer had never pulled a sleigh before, and it took two hours for Santa to hitch them. By the time he was done, he was five hours overdue.
Finally, a very stressed Santa Claus sat in his sleigh, ready to begin his flight. Just then, an angel walked by with a Christmas tree she had cut down.
“Good evening, Santa,” said the angel. “Where do you want me to put this?”
And so began the tradition of putting the angel at the top of the tree.
😄 😄 😄
All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, “I don’t do that sort of thing on my first date!”
“Well,” Bill replied with sarcasm, “how about on your last date?”
😄 😄 😄
One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”
Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”
“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”
The very next day, her grandpa died.
That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.
Her dad was very suspicious, but said nothing.
The very next day, Sally’s grandma died.
That night, when Sally said “Good night Mom, goodbye Dad”, Sally’s dad began to panic. He knew this couldn’t just be a coincidence.
So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.
Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.
He managed to arrive home safely, and asked his wife how her day had been.
“Oh, it was just awful!” she replied. “The Milkman died!”
😄 😄 😄
Husband whispers to wife as they’re going to sleep, “Good night, mother of six.”
“Good night, father of one,” she replies.
😄 😄 😄
A priest and a nun are having a tennis match.
The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better.
After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun.
She let it slip by and the match continues.
But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”
“Stop it!” yells the nun. “You can’t use the Lords name in vain like that!”
The priest apologizes, “I’m sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.”
“Fair enough,” grumbles the nun.
The match continues. It’s going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another “Goddamn it! I missed!”
Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the nun into ashes...
A thundering voice emits from the skies, “Damn it! I missed!”
😄 😄 😄
One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road.
He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.
“What are those big bulges in your running shorts?” she asked.
“Tennis balls,” answered the man, smiling back.
“Wow,” said the blonde, looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable.”
😄 😄 😄
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
“Incredible!,” says his friend.
“Medical science is amazing!”
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
“Incredible!,” says his friend.
“Medical science is amazing!”
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
😄 😄 😄
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady.
She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”
“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.
I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
“Because we’ve got no teeth”, she replied.
“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.
“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”
😄 😄 😄
There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, “What’s your secret?” The guy whispers, “All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants.”
In a flourish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants.
But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror.
Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and desperately asks, “Why are all the girls running away from me?”
The first guy looks up and replies, “The pickle’s on the wrong side.”
😄 😄 😄
A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.
A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked, “Would you mind if I throw him a bit?”
“Not at all,” the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.
😄 😄 😄
Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs”.
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.
Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
😄 😄 😄
Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.
He comes upon a question:
What separates the head from the body?
Ahmed answers:
The axe.
😄 😄 😄
A man left for work one Friday morning.
Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
“That would be fine with me”, he replied.
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
😄 😄 😄
Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, it’s going to end in a mess.
😄 😄 😄
Love is a lot like peeing your pants.
Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.
😄 😄 😄
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.”
After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.”
“Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”
George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.
A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.”
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news, “Diane is your half sister too, George. I’m awfully sorry about this.”
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.”
“Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”
😄 😄 😄
One time I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message.
30 seconds later I heard my uncle crying in the next room...
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
😄 😄 😄
My friend: “My girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.”
Me: “Hey babe, what do you wanna eat?”
Her: “Nothing.”
Me: Flies to Africa.
😄 😄 😄
My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
😄 😄 😄
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
😄 😄 😄
You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe beside you, and you’re being chase by a lion. What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel!
😄 😄 😄
A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl.
“It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”
“Then I’d be a football fan.”
😄 😄 😄
How did the blonde die at the baseball game?
She drowned during the wave.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home is.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Superman stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants.
Why is Batman more stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.
Why is Robin even more stupid?
Because he followed what batman did.
Why is Wonder Woman stupid?
Because she wears a belt on her head.
Why is Spiderman the most stupid superhero of them all?
Because he wears his underwear over his head.
😄 😄 😄
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “arthritis.”
😄 😄 😄
What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?
8 pirates.
😄 😄 😄
Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him!
😄 😄 😄
What does a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.
😄 😄 😄
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don’t want to go to Iraq either...
😄 😄 😄
“Where did you get this mushroom recipe?” Husband asks his wife.
“In a detective novel,” she answers.
😄 😄 😄
What is blue and lies under a mushroom?
Smurf poop.
😄 😄 😄
A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
😄 😄 😄
Two men — one a brunette and the other a blonde — were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.
The brunette guy says, “What works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato and put it in your swim trunk.”
The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks – with no luck.
He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.
The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, “You stupid! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!”
😄 😄 😄
Broccoli: “Hey, I look like a tree.”
Mushroom: “Wow, I look just like an umbrella.”
Walnut: “I look exactly like a brain.”
Banana: “Man, can we change the topic please?”
😄 😄 😄
When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?
When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy.
There were no survivors.
😄 😄 😄
A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.
Without any preliminaries she said she wanted a divorce.
“On what grounds?” asked the lawyer.
“I don’t think he is faithful to me,” she replied.
“And what makes you think he isn’t faithful?” asked the lawyer.
“Well,” replied the young lady, “I don’t think he is the father of my child.”
😄 😄 😄
This guy was sitting in his attorney’s office.
His lawyer says, “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?”
“Give me the bad news first,” he says.
“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,” his lawyer informs him.
“That’s the bad news?” asks the man incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman walks into the Social Worker’s office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW!” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they’re all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one he is Terry, also.”
The social worker raises an eyebrow, but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker, “I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell “Terry!”, an’ when it’s time for dinner, I just yell “Terry!”, an’ they all come a runnin.
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.”
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”
“I call them by their surnames.”
😄 😄 😄
Retail job interview (2012).
“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”
“You mean after the global pandemic or before the war?”
😄 😄 😄
It’s true women do make less money than men. But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs.
Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.
Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
😄 😄 😄
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.
😄 😄 😄
A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
They celebrate it in the same hotel as where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.
The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, “Isn’t it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?”
The wife replies saying, “Yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here naked,” with a naughty voice.
Both don’t doubt for a moment an they take off their clothes. They sit back down on the table giggling.
The wife says, “You know honey, even my nipples are just as hot as 50 years ago.”
“No wonder,” the man replies, “one of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.
😄 😄 😄
A woman is approaching a very small Bistro.
She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer.
Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard.
“Are you the boss of this Bistro?” she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
“Ehhh. No. Not at all!” the barkeeper replies.
“Would you please call him here?” the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
“Oh, I’m very sorry, but no. Impossible!” the barkeeper sighs who has fun with this situation.
“Would you then please do me a great favour?” the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
“Of course. What ever you wish!” the barkeeper moans.
“I want to leave a message for the boss,” she says and let first one, then two fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
“What message?” the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
“Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady’s toilet.”
😄 😄 😄
Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.
It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.
😄 😄 😄
A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, “Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?”
The Harvard student replies, “At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.”
The kid said, “Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?”
😄 😄 😄
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”
He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.
He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”
😄 😄 😄
One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
“Hello Johnny, what are you up to?” he asked.
“My goldfish died and I’m gonna bury him,” Johnny replied.
“That’s a really big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbor.
“That’s because he’s inside your cat!”
😄 😄 😄
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”, he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
😄 😄 😄
Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
Student: “A drinking problem.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo’ mama is so ugly, her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.
😄 😄 😄
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”
😄 😄 😄
A balding man was getting a haircut.
The man’s barber said, “Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the front?”
Man: “No.”
Barber: “They say you’re a thinker.”
Man: “Oh?!”
Barber: “Do you know what they say if you’re bald in the back?”
Man: “No.”
Barber: “They say you’re a lover.”
The man perked up.
Man: “What do they say if you’re bald in the front and the back?”
Barber: “That you only think you’re a lover.”
😄 😄 😄
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a guy who falls overboard and can’t swim?
Bob.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lilly.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?
Frank.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?
Claude.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?
Phil.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?
Eve.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?
Lou.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a guy who keeps vomiting?
Chuck.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?
Rob.
😄 😄 😄
Guess why football stadiums are so cool?
Most seats have a fan on them!
😄 😄 😄
My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.
So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?
She couldn’t do either.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?
None – they gave up.
😄 😄 😄
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
😄 😄 😄
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
😄 😄 😄
It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.
😄 😄 😄
A couple goes to the cinema.
“Two tickets, please,” says the man.
“Hobbit?” asks the cashier lady.
“No, that’s my wife.”
😄 😄 😄
A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.
After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later, the rooster walks in.
He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
😄 😄 😄
My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.
😄 😄 😄
The only clan thing you find in a well cleaned big nose is fingerprints.
😄 😄 😄
The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the man with the big nose sad?
He could really smell his feet!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?
Birds are always perching on it!
😄 😄 😄
Your nose is so big that when you lie on your back in the pool, people think it’s a shark!
😄 😄 😄
What’s worse than having a big nose?
Having a big nose and tiny hands!
😄 😄 😄
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning in the ocean?
He was just too far out, man.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid, when she threw a grenade at me, I pulled the pin and threw it back.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so stupid, she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so stupid, she cut holes in her umbrella to see if it was raining.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so stupid, she yelled into an envelope because she wanted to send a voice mail.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so small, she has to wear a torn napkin as a dress.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so small, she committed suicide by jumping off the curb.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, she has to hold a sign up that says, “Don’t spit, I can’t swim”.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old, she rode dinosaurs to school.
😄 😄 😄
I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”
I said, “Not at all.”
He said, “‘Kiss?’”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I eat mop.”
“I eat mop, who?”
“That’s revolting!”
😄 😄 😄
Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.
I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”
She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.
😄 😄 😄
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
😄 😄 😄
Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris once ate a Rubik’s Cube and pooped it out solved.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
😄 😄 😄
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
😄 😄 😄
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
“Excuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,” he said politely, “but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.”
“That’s right.”
“Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.”
“Well, today is his birthday.”
😄 😄 😄
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
😄 😄 😄
One alien says to another, “The dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”
The second alien replies, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do aliens not eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, people thought she was a Funko Pop.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so hot, she makes the sun sweat.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so hot, when she got into the Arctic ocean, it turned into a hot tub.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, when she visits Antarctica, locals call it summertime.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, rangers banned her from National Parks for starting forest fires.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, her hugs give third-degree burns.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, scientists deemed her the leading cause of global warming.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so dumb, she bought a solar-powered flashlight.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old, she farts dust!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old, when she was young, rainbows were black and white!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so old, her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the cameras.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals."
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat, she left the house in high heels and when she came back, she had on flip flops.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat, she sat on a dollar and when she got up there was 4 quarters.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat, when she gets on the scale it says, “to be continued.”
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat, she gets group insurance!
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so fat, a picture of her would fall off the wall!
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama's appetite is so huge, she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama's so disgusting, she keeps maggots as pets.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma's arm-pits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama's got a leather wig with suede sideburns.
😄 😄 😄
An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.
The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!”
She said, “I can teach it good manners.”
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?”
It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.
She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said “Brr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"
😄 😄 😄
Three guy are in the woods: a really smart guy, an average and a really dumb guy.
They are bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting.
A little while later he comes back with a deer.
The average guy asks, “How did you do that?”
The really smart guy says, “I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer and I shoot deer.”
The average guy says, “I think I understand,” and leaves.
A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon.
He really dumb goes gasp, “How did you do that!?”
And the average looks at him funny and says, “Well I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon and I shoot raccoon.
The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, “Oooohh ok, I think I can do that…,” and leaves.
Hours pass and the guy finally returns hurt, bloody and horribly mingled. They run to help him.
Finally one of the guys asked him what happened.
This is what he said, “I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train and I shoot train, but train keep coming.
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.”
No one stands up.
Teacher: “Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb.” Waves her finger around the left side of the room.
Little Johnny stands up.
Teacher: “Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?”
Little Johnny: “No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.”
😄 😄 😄
You so dumb, you have to stop during track workouts to ask for directions.
😄 😄 😄
You so dumb, you once tried to exchange a bib number because you thought the whole thing was printed upside down.
😄 😄 😄
Man: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God: “So you would love her?”
Man: “But God, why did you make her so dumb?”
God: “So she would love you?”
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.
😄 😄 😄
When the Tooth fairy comes to your house, she takes your tooth and gives you money.
When Chuck Norris comes to your house, he breaks your tooth and takes your money.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull.
😄 😄 😄
Yo daddy is so stupid that he got locked in a grocery store and starved!
😄 😄 😄
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!
😄 😄 😄
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap.
When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move, he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’s lap?”, I asked.
“No!”, he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”
😄 😄 😄
At the family reunion.
Boy: “I’m here to talk about our family, but Mom always taught me that if I don’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. Good Day.”
😄 😄 😄
Good moms let you lick the beaters.
Great moms turn them off first.
😄 😄 😄
How does every racist joke start?
By looking over your shoulder!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
😄 😄 😄
Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.
He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
The Reverend Morgan then sat down.
Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.”
😄 😄 😄
A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.
While in the church, the girl asked her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied to the girl, “Because white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”
After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, “But, then why is the groom wearing black?”
😄 😄 😄
A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.
During his meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there’s more between him and his roommate.
Reading his mom’s thought, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.”
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose your mother took it, do you?”
He said, “Well I doubt it, but l'll email her just to be sure!”
He sat down and wrote:
Dear mom,
After you visited me, the silver plate has been missing. I’m not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and I’m not saying that you don’t take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love
Your son
Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:
Dear Son,
I’m not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you don’t sleep with her, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.
Love
Mom
😄 😄 😄
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?”, said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
😄 😄 😄
A priest had 3 people at confession.
He went to Guy 1 and asked, “What sin did you commit?”
Guy 1 responded, “I murdered someone.”
The priest responded, “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”
He did so and stood back.
The priest asked Guy 2 and asked, “What sin did you commit?”
Guy 2 responded, “I cheated on my wife.”
The priest responded, “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”
He did so and stood back as well.
Then it was the 3rd person’s turn.
The priest asked him, “So, what sin did you commit?”
Nervously, Guy 3 responded, “Um…well, you see, Father…I peed in the holy water.”
😄 😄 😄
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
“Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.”
😄 😄 😄
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
😄 😄 😄
It’s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.
He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.
He responds, “No, the seat’s empty.”
The first man exclaims, “What?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?”
The neighbor responds, “Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven’t been together.”
The first man responds,” I’m sorry to hear that. Wasn’t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could’ve taken that seat?”
The neighbor responds, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
😄 😄 😄
An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.
“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.”
“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?”
“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.
“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you have against some people?
Well… for example: knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenades…
😄 😄 😄
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it! It's an asshole!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
😄 😄 😄
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying “I know the whole truth”.
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
😄 😄 😄
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
😄 😄 😄
Doctor: “I’ve got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live.”
Patient: “What could be worse news than that?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to contact you for the last 6 days.”
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.”
Friend: “Wow, that’s really impressive! What did she say?!”
Husband: “Come out from under that sofa, you coward!”
😄 😄 😄
Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.
Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.”
Pharmacist: “Why do you need arsenic?”
Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband.”
Pharmacist: “WHAT?”
Woman: “You heard me! I want to kill my husband!”
Pharmacist: “Why on earth would you want to do that?”
Woman: “Because he’s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!”
Pharmacist: “Well why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”
😄 😄 😄
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
😄 😄 😄
Before Marriage.
Boy: “Ah at last. I can hardly wait.”
Girl: “Do you want me to leave?”
Boy: “No, don't even think about it.”
Girl: “Do you love me?”
Boy: “Of Course. Always have and always will.”
Girl: “Have you ever cheated on me?”
Boy: “Never. Why are you even asking?”
Girl: “Will you kiss me?”
Boy: “Hell no. Are you crazy?”
Girl: “Can I trust you?”
Boy: “Yes.”
Girl: “Darling!”
After Marriage… (Read from bottom to top)
😄 😄 😄
Earth is the third planet from the sun.
By this logic, all countries are third world countries.
😄 😄 😄
I wanna be the sun of your life!
Then stay at 1 000 000 km of me!
😄 😄 😄
What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?
Turn into bacon.
😄 😄 😄
After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.
Murphy objected, “If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!”
“What do you think we are, stupid?” Declan replied, “We’ll send our
man at night!”
😄 😄 😄
Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Europe.”
“Europe, who?”
“No, YOU’RE a poo!”
😄 😄 😄
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
😄 😄 😄
Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon?
Because it doesn’t need cleaning!
😄 😄 😄
We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons. If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.
😄 😄 😄
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently.
When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said:
“No. That’s why we want to go to the moon.”
😄 😄 😄
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.
She asks him: “Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?”
He: “Like the moon.”
The teacher: “That’s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful”.
Little johnny: “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
😄 😄 😄
Your momma so short, she takes a shower in a raindrop.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so short, she can’t say a thing without a microphone!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so short, when she plays fortnite, she can hide under the freaking store.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so short, she has to slam dunk her bus fare.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so short, she poses for trophies!
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so hot, doctors say her blood type is lava.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama so hot, when Electra and Haspiel saw her, they burned to death.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so hot, I gotta wear oven mitts to touch her.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so hot, she makes jalapeños cry.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so hot, she makes the sun look like Antarctica.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so dumb and hungry, the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so dumb, when dad said it’s chilly outside she brought a spoon and a bowl.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so dumb, when y’all were driving to Disneyland, she saw a sign that said “Disneyland left”, so she went home.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so dumb, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old, she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so old, I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama is so old, Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so old, she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so ugly, that most Snapchat filters make her better looking.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so ugly, she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama is so ugly, she made One Direction go another direction.
😄 😄 😄
Your momma so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks!
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so ugly, she made an onion cry.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so stupid, when I said, “Drinks are on the house,” she got a ladder.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so stupid, she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said “concentrate”.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so stupid, when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn’t find the “CALL” button.
😄 😄 😄
Yo Mama’s so stupid, she thinks Los Angeles is where God lives with all his angels.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid, I said, “Kool-Aid,” and she jumped through the wall.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat, when she fell I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so fat, that the National Weather Service names each of her farts.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight not your phone number.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma so fat, she can’t reach her back pocket.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat, when she died, she broke the stairway to heaven.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so scary, you thought the monsters in your closet were friends.
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s appetite is so huge, even after eating an elephant for breakfast, she demanded for a whale as dessert.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to save a fish from drowning.
😄 😄 😄
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey—he’s always stuffed.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
😄 😄 😄
Why are cats better than babies?
Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
😄 😄 😄
How do you drown a blonde?
Remind her that life is inane, repetitive, and intrinsically meaningless.
😄 😄 😄
Student: “503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?”
Teacher: “502.”
Student: “How do you put an elephant in a fridge?”
Teacher: “No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!”
Student: “Just open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.”
Student: “How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?”
Teacher: “Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.”
Student: “No! Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.”
Student: “The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?”
Teacher: “The lion?”
Student: “No! The giraffe because he’s in a fridge.”
Student: “Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?”
Teacher: “Sally stepped on the alligator's mouth?”
Student: “The gators are at the party.”
Student: “But Sally dies anyway. Why?”
Teacher: “She drowned?!”
Student: “No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.”
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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
😄 😄 😄
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
😄 😄 😄