Bad Jokes That Are Funny



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Bad Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Bad Jokes


What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?

God save the kin.

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What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?

It was too stuffed to say anything.

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Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?

The turkey, because heโ€™s already stuffed.

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I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.

But they banned flavored vapes.

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A guy ate only metal bars for Thanksgiving.

He was gratefull.

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A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving night, planning to spend the holiday and meal together.

As the family gathers, the coupleโ€™s children are late to arrive, prompting the mother-in-law to complain aloud, โ€œUgh, your children, always late.โ€

Eventually, everyone arrives and sits down to eat. Despite the tension, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table, and no one has the strength to argue with her.

After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain again, โ€œUgh, whatโ€™s with the food here, why is it always late?โ€

A few minutes later, the couple bring out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife. Everyone eats, and the evening continues.

While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says, โ€œUgh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.โ€

A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and narrowly missing her. Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself, โ€œUgh, this clock... always late.โ€

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What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?

Plump kin.

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What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?

Lucky.

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Why wasnโ€™t the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?

No one wanted to try his stuffing.

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What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?

Grave-y!

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How would Ariana Grande break up with her boyfriend on Thanksgiving?

โ€œThank you, next.โ€

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Why are musical comedians never allowed to cook dinner during Thanksgiving?

Because they always burnham.

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Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight?

They beat the stuffing outta each other.

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Why did the band hire a turkey as a drummer?

Because he had the drumsticks!

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Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey that tried to escape the roasting pan?

He was foiled.

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How are wives like Thanksgiving turkeys?

They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

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What is a bad bowlerโ€™s favorite holiday?

Thanksgiving because they finally get a turkey.

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What if the Indians would have given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey?

Weโ€™d all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.

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What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?

โ€œEasy, I tell the bird he is going to die.โ€

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Why one should be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner?

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

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Yo mama so old, she ate Dodo on his first Thanksgiving.

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Why do poets go to the zoo to use the restroom?

So they can poo in the loo at the zoo.

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Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their โ€œtouristโ€ garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a gorgeous blond in a bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldnโ€™t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, โ€œGood morning, Father. Good morning, Father,โ€ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits, and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous blond in an even more outrageous bikini, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: โ€œGood morning, Father. Good morning Father,โ€ and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldnโ€™t stand it and said, โ€œJust a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?โ€ โ€œOh, Father, donโ€™t you recognize me? Iโ€™m Sister Angela!โ€

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A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence.

He pulls him out and says, โ€œSorry, you know the law, youโ€™ve got to go back across the border right now.โ€

The Mexican man pleads with them, โ€œNo, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!โ€

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, โ€œIโ€™m going to make it hard for him.โ€

He says, โ€œOk, Iโ€™ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence. The three words are โ€˜greenโ€™, โ€˜pinkโ€™, and โ€˜yellowโ€™.โ€

The Mexican man thinks, then says, โ€œHmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez โ€œyellow?โ€.โ€

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My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says โ€œOh, do it yourself!โ€.

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Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question:

โ€œGuess who I ran into?โ€

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Why are hemorrhoids called โ€œhemorrhoidsโ€ instead of โ€œassteroidsโ€?

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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?

Are they afraid someone will clean them?

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Why is it called tourist season if we canโ€™t shoot at them?

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently, youโ€™re not allowed to end a sentence with a preposition.

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Donald MacDonald, from the Scottish Highlands, went to study Law at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his old mother came to visit him.

โ€œAnd how do you find the English students, Donald?โ€ she asked.

โ€œMother,โ€ he replied, โ€œtheyโ€™re such terrible, noisy people... The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and wonโ€™t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.โ€

โ€œOh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful, noisy English neighbors?โ€ she asked her son.

Donald replied enthusiastically, โ€œMother, I do nothing. I simply ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.โ€

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What does vikings call English villages?

Chopping centers.

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If you ever feel lonely, just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies.

After a while, you wonโ€™t feel like you are alone anymore.

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I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.

So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.

Pushed through the crowds shouting โ€œlet me through, let me through!โ€.

I finally managed to get to the front of the crowd.

A woman turned to me and said, โ€œOh, thank goodness, are you a doctor?โ€.

I replied no, but thatโ€™s my pizza!

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Whatโ€™s the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night?

Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.

Horror night is...

When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.

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Important Announcement:

In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that arenโ€™t expecting them.

They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung:

1. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

2. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

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How is April Foolsโ€™ Day like a huge open mic night?

Millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

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Easter this year is April Foolsโ€™ Day.

Just remember that so you donโ€™t fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

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Easter and April Foolsโ€™ are on the same day this year.

For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you havenโ€™t hidden.

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What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?

โ€œApril Fool! Iโ€™m not really dead!โ€

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In the spirit of Easter, Iโ€™ve hidden eggs around the apartment.

In the spirit of April Fools, Iโ€™m not telling my roommates.

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Did you hear about the plane prank?

The twin towers fell for it.

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What do you call the people born in April who arenโ€™t particularly intelligent?

April fools.

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What did the first person to get April fooled say?

โ€œJesus! I thought you were dead!โ€

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A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whiskey and drinks it all.

Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whiskey.

Drunk, he orders a glass of whiskey.

Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whiskey.

Then he says, โ€œThatโ€™s weird. The less I drink, the drunker I get.โ€

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The wife tried to scare her husband by leaving him a breakup letter after he returned home late.

She left a note, saying:

Iโ€™ve had enough and have left you. Donโ€™t bother coming after me.

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, her husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

โ€œSheโ€™s finally gone... Yeah, I know... Iโ€™m coming to see you... Put on that nightgown I like... Love you... Canโ€™t wait to see you...โ€

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

โ€œI can see your feet. Weโ€™re out of bread. Be back in five minutes.โ€

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One day, a blonde woman entered an auto body shop claiming that sheโ€™d suffered extensive damage to her new auto.

The mechanic thought heโ€™d have some fun with her, so he told her that she didnโ€™t need him to fixed all the dents. He said she could fix them herself by blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could, and theyโ€™d all pop out.

The woman went home and proceeded to get down on her hands and knees in the driveway. She was blowing into the pipe as hard as she could and her face was turning purple when another blonde woman walked by and asked what she was doing.

After hearing the whole story, the second blonde pauses for a moment then responds, โ€œHello! The windows are down.โ€

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A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.

The lawyer: โ€œDid you actually see the accident?โ€

The witness: โ€œYes, sir.โ€

The lawyer: โ€œHow far away were you when the accident happened?โ€

The witness: โ€œThirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.โ€

The lawyer (thinking heโ€™d trap the witness): โ€œWell, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?โ€

The witness: โ€œBecause when the accident happened, I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.โ€

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Autos killing 110 a day, letโ€™s resolve to do better.

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Did you hear about the guy that washed his shorts with change in it?

He was arrested for money laundrying.

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If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?

Depends.

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Whatโ€™s the similarity between a fresh pair of shorts and a Bugatti bought by a shady businessman?

Both were laundered.

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An alcoholic is driving home from the bar at 3 am, totally annihilated.

Heโ€™s swerving between lanes and gets spotted by a patrol officer, who then pulls him over.

The cop asks the inebriated man where heโ€™s headed at such a late hour.

The drunk replies, โ€œIโ€™m just going to a lecture, officer.โ€

In disbelief, the officer asks, โ€œWho would be giving a lecture this late?โ€

The alcoholic replies, โ€œMy wife.โ€

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Johnny is struggling with recovery and, as luck would have it, he is pulled over by a policeman the one time he slips up.

โ€œSir, I smell alcohol on your breath. Have you been drinking today?โ€

โ€œWell, officer, youโ€™d be drinking too if youโ€™d just killed your wife.โ€

โ€œWHAT!? Are you confessing to murder?โ€

โ€œThe handgun is hidden under the seat. Her body, bless her soul, is wrapped in a sheet in the trunk of the car.โ€

The officer, stunned, handcuffs Johnny and calls for his sergeant.

The sergeant arrives, takes the car keys and opens the trunk.

โ€œThereโ€™s no body in here,โ€ he says to the patrolman. โ€œI thought you said there was a homicide?โ€

He then searches under the seat, โ€œAnd no gun either.โ€

The sergeant turns to Johnny for an explanation.

โ€œGee, I bet he said I was drinking too.โ€

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Why did the accountant do so well in AA?

He was already aย friend of bills.

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Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?

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The barman in the pub looked over at me and said, โ€œYour glass is empty. Fancy another one?โ€

โ€œWhy would I want two empty glasses?โ€ I asked.

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Why do so many people like to do word puzzles in the bathroom?

Because itโ€™s the best place for a vowel movement.

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Did you hear about the world crossword puzzle champion who died?

He was buried six feet down and three feet across.

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How is the solution to the toilet paper shortage the same as the solution to a crossword puzzle?

One square at a time.

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Why was the poet teaching at a prison so happy?

She had a captive audience.

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Recently, Iโ€™ve started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.

Itโ€™s a tough job, but I enjoy it.

It really has its prose and cons.

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I knew a vampire who became a poet.

He went from bat to verse.

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What do you call a drunk medieval poet?

Shakesbeer.

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A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk fall out of a plane.

The Buddhist monk says, โ€œIt will be okay, for we shall all be reincarnated.โ€

The priest says, โ€œIt will be okay, for we shall all meet in Heaven.โ€

The rabbi says, โ€œAm I the only one who remembered we were going skydiving today?โ€

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I asked my aging father why he doesnโ€™t have life insurance.

โ€œBecause, son, I want you to be truly sad when I die.โ€

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Deep sleep prevents aging.

Especially when you are driving.

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Wife: โ€œDo men wipe after they pee?โ€

Aging husband: โ€œYes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wallโ€ฆโ€

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What is a prize old people can win for aging?

Atrophy.

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Nobody wants to be alone.

A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance. Beer belly, completely bald...

I donโ€™t like her chances.

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Why did the wizardโ€™s wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer.

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Keeping The Romance Alive

I still love to spoil the love of my life.

If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me sheโ€™s on her way. I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.

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You know why vampires can raise ghouls?

Because they are neck romancers.

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Whatโ€™s it like to be kissed by a vampire?

Itโ€™s a pain in the neck.

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A cop stops a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He directs the man to blow into a breathalyzer.

Man:ย  โ€œIโ€™m afraid I canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have asthma. If I blow into that tube, I might have an asthma attack.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, weโ€™ll just get a urine sample at the station.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have diabetes. If I pee in a cup, I might get low blood sugar.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, weโ€™ll take a blood sample.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have hemophilia. I could die if I give blood.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, just walk this white line.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause Iโ€™m drunk.โ€

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Whatโ€™s the worst part about going to the doctor and being diagnosed with diabetes?

You donโ€™t get a lollipop afterward.

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Why do diabetics always have nightmares?

They canโ€™t have sweet dreams.

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What did Santa get the day after Christmas?

Diabetes.

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How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?

Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.

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Why canโ€™t diabetics have vengeance?

Because vengeance is sweet.

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Why did the broken leg go to school?

It wanted to learn how to breakdance.

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Why didย Taylor Swiftย bring a broken leg to her concert?

Because it wanted to experience firsthand the โ€œbreak-upโ€ songs sheโ€™s famous for.

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My husband is as handsome as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein.

His name is Frankenstein.

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After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet.

It was then I shared my dark secret, โ€œI put our teenage sonโ€™s shorts in his underwear drawer.โ€

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My husband cooks for me like Iโ€™m a godโ€”by placing burnt offerings before me every night.

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What do you call a dumb carnivore?

A meathead.

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What is a carnivoreโ€™s favorite bumper sticker for their car?

โ€œI love animals. They taste great.โ€

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Vegan: โ€œHey, try eating this apple.โ€

Meat-eater: โ€œHey, this tastes pretty good.โ€

Vegan: โ€œWell, thatโ€™s because itโ€™s vegan.โ€

Meat-eater: โ€œI thought it tasted it a bit funny.โ€

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How many non-vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they prefer to stay in the dark.

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Vegan: โ€œPeople who sell meat are gross!โ€

Non-vegetarian: โ€œPeople who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My non-vegetarian friend told me to eat chicken, itโ€™s very healthy.

I said no, it WAS healthy, but you ate it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder.

The barman asks, โ€œWhere did you get that?โ€

The seagull replies, โ€œDown the tip, there are heaps of them there.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In Darwin, Australia, a multi-millionaire wanted to throw a party and invited all of his friends and neighbors. He also invited Brian, the sole aboriginal in the area.

He threw the party in his mansionโ€™s garden, around the pool. Everyone was having a terrific time drinking, dancing, eating grilled prawns and oysters, and flirting.

The millionaire then announced, โ€œI have a 15-foot man-eating crocodile in my pool, and Iโ€™ll give a million dollars to anyone who joins him in the pool.โ€

The words had only left his mouth when there was a huge splash.

Everyone turned around to see Brian fighting the crocodile in the water, jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, headbutting it, choking it, biting its tail, and tossing it into the air like some kind of martial arts expert.

The water was swirling and splashing all over the place. Brian and the crocodile were both shouting and yelling.

Brian finally strangled the crocodile and let it float to the top of the pool like a dead goldfish after what seemed like an eternity.

Brian stepped out of the pool, weary, with everyone looking at him in surprise.

โ€œWell, Brian, I think I owe you a million dollars then,โ€ the millionaire responded.

โ€œNo way, boss, I donโ€™t want it,โ€ Brian replied.

So the millionaire says, โ€œMan, I have to offer you something. You won the wager. How about a million dollars?โ€

โ€œNo, thanks, I donโ€™t want it,โ€ Brian said emphatically.

The millionaire again says, โ€œCome on, I have to give you something. That was incredible. What about a brand-new Porsche, a Rolex, and some stock options?โ€

Again, Brian said, โ€œNo.โ€

โ€œWell, Brian, then what do you want?โ€ the rich man inquired, perplexed.

โ€œI want the bastard who pushed me in,โ€ said Brian.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an aborigine.

He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air.

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate aborigine.

โ€œJacky,โ€ said the tour guide, โ€œwhat are you tracking and what are you listening for?โ€

The aborigine replied, โ€œDown the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. Itโ€™s a red one. The left front tire is bald. The front ends out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.โ€

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

โ€œGod man, how do you know all that?,โ€ asked one.

The aborigine replied, โ€œI fell out off the pucken thing about half an hour ago!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man visits a friend recovering from the flu that had him bedridden for weeks.

Surprisingly, the friend says itโ€™s been a happy and wonderful experience.

โ€œHow so?โ€ asks the man.

Friend: โ€œWell, Iโ€™ve found out how much my wife loves me and how pleased she is to have me home.โ€

Man: โ€œHow do you know?โ€

Friend: โ€œWell, every time the postman, the milkman or the dustman comes by, she runs out shouting โ€˜My husband is home! My husband is home!โ€™.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guyโ€™s wife and kids all came down with the flu.

Upon returning home from the doctorโ€™s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.

After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.

The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.

She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.

He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, โ€œThree days?! The doctor canโ€™t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!โ€ Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, โ€œIf so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks up to the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks, โ€œHow did you get here?โ€

The man answers, โ€œFlu.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When my mother died, all my father said was โ€œcough, fatigue,ย feverโ€.

Heโ€™s a man of flu words.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


As an MD, I gave my motherโ€™s sister a flu shot.

Does that make me an auntie-vaxxer?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Doctors hate this one easy trick to lose 15 lbs fast!

The flu.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend.

Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my dad said, โ€œWell, have you tried euthanasia?โ€

In the background, I could hear my mom yell, โ€œFor the last time, Henry, itโ€™s pronounced โ€˜Echinacea!โ€™, โ€˜Echinacea!!!โ€™.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.

The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.

When he gets there, heโ€™s instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.

He chuckles to himself and thinks, โ€œWhatโ€™s this supposed to do, cure me!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other.ย They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass.

What a caring community we live in, God Bless.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An American Indian meets a cowboy. Since neither of them knows each otherโ€™s language, they start a sign conversation.

Indian approaches first, pointing his finger to cowboyโ€™s chest.

Cowboy responds with pointing his two fingers to Indianโ€™s face.

Then Indian makes a rooftop gesture with his hands.

To which cowboy reacts with a waving motion of his right hand.

Cowboy returns home and tells his wife about what happened to him, โ€œI met one crazy Indian in the desert. Right after seeing me, he told that heโ€™s going to shoot me in the chest, and I responded that Iโ€™ll screw up his eyes before that. He then promised to bury me, and I told him that heโ€™ll sleep with the fishes if he plans to harm me.โ€

Indian returns home and speaks to his wife, โ€œI met one crazy cowboy in the desert. When I asked him who he was, he told me heโ€™s a goat. I inquired โ€œmountain goat?โ€, and he responded โ€œno, waterfowlโ€.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three American Indians get lost in the forest.

Indian No.1: โ€œWhat do we do?โ€

Indian No.2: โ€œI donโ€™t know, weโ€™re Indian, weโ€™re not supposed to get lost in the forest!โ€

Indian No.3: โ€œWe could do like the white man and fire three shots into the air.โ€

Indian No.2: โ€œHow does that help?โ€

Indian No.3: โ€œWell, when the white man gets lost in the forest, he fires three shots into the air and then somebody comes and saves him.โ€

Indian No.2: โ€œThat sounds like a great idea!โ€ points to Indian No.1 and says, โ€œGo ahead and fire three shots in the air.โ€

Indian No.1 fires three shots into the air and they wait.

After an hour, nothing happens.

Indian No.1: โ€œSo, how long are we supposed to wait?โ€

Indian No.2: โ€œI donโ€™t know. I guess it depends on how close they are. Maybe we should try again?โ€

Indian No.3 (to Indian No.1): โ€œYeah, try firing three more shots in the air.โ€

Indian No.1: โ€œI would, but I only have two arrows left.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do Indians, Pilgrims, and Puritans have in common?

The letter โ€˜Iโ€™.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Back in the Old West, there were two scoundrels known for being dumber than a box of rocksโ€”Jeff and Dave.

One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar and said, โ€œIf any man brings me an Indianโ€™s prized horse, Iโ€™ll give him $1000.โ€

The two men looked at each other, walked out of the bar and mounted their horses.

It wasnโ€™t long before they saw a Native American, so they caught up to him and pushed him off his horse.

He fell into a ravine, but the loyal horse followed him right down there.

The two scoundrels scrambled to follow it down to the bottom to try and catch it.

Suddenly, Jeff said, โ€œDave, look at this!โ€

Dave replied, โ€œNot now! Canโ€™t you see Iโ€™m trying to catch a prized horse?!โ€

Jeff shouted again, breathlessly, โ€œI really think you should look at this.โ€

โ€œWhy donโ€™t you help me try and make $1000 instead of goofing off?!โ€

But Jeff was adamant, โ€œPlease, just take a darn look!โ€

So Dave stopped running, looked up, and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Native Americans and their horses.

Dave shook his head and said, โ€œOh... my... God... Weโ€™re going to be millionaires!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?

He had an arrow escape.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How did a wife challenge her husband during his heart attack?

By asking for his phoneโ€™s passcode before calling 911.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An emergency call center worker has been fired in Toronto, much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, โ€œI am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes, I can finally meet Allah.โ€

To which the call center employee replied, โ€œRemain calm and stay on the line.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A boy calls 911.

โ€œ911, what is your emergency?โ€

The boy replied, โ€œMy parents are fighting, and Iโ€™m scared..โ€

โ€œWell, whoโ€™s your father?โ€

โ€œWell, thatโ€™s what theyโ€™re fighting about.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dispatcher: โ€œ911, what is your emergency?โ€

Caller: โ€œYeah, Iโ€™m having trouble breathing. Iโ€™m all out of breath. Darn... I think Iโ€™m going to pass out.โ€

Dispatcher: โ€œSir, where are you calling from?โ€

Caller: โ€œIโ€™m at a pay phone. North and Foster.โ€

Dispatcher: โ€œSir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?โ€

Caller: โ€œNo.โ€

Dispatcher: โ€œWhat were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?โ€

Caller: โ€œRunning from the police.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


911 operator: โ€œ911.โ€

โ€œHello, my wife was cooking dinner, and she fell,โ€ says the husband.

โ€œWhatโ€™s the emergency?โ€

The husband replies, โ€œHow do I know when the rice is ready?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Polish man calls 911.

Operator: โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€

Pole: โ€œHelp! My wife is trying to kill me!โ€

Operator: โ€œHow do you know?โ€

Pole: โ€œI checked her medicine cabinet and found โ€˜Polish Removerโ€™!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A 911 operator gets a call.

โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€ the operator asks.

โ€œIโ€™m smoking,โ€ replied a middle-aged woman.

โ€œSorry, maโ€™am, but you shouldnโ€™t be calling 911. Please contact an expert, if you need help,โ€ the operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€ the operator asks again.

โ€œIโ€™m smoking,โ€ replied the same woman.

โ€œSorry, maโ€™am, but you should not be calling 911. You are aware you called us just now, correct?โ€

Woman: โ€œYeah.โ€

โ€œWell, then please do not call us unless you have a proper emergency. Thank you,โ€ the operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

โ€œI swear to god, if itโ€™s that woman, Iโ€™m going to have a seizure,โ€ the operator mumbles under his breath.

โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€ the operator asks again.

โ€œIโ€™m smoking,โ€ replied the same woman.

โ€œExcuse me, but you know itโ€™s a crime for prank calls like this, right? Please contact an expert if you have problems with any smoking issues,โ€ he hangs up the phone.

It rings again, with the same number.

The operator, clearly infuriated, picks up the phone, โ€œYOUโ€™RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL THIS NUMBER IF YOU DONโ€™T HAVE AN EMERGENCY!โ€

Woman: โ€œSorry, but...โ€

Operator: โ€œNO BUTS! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SMOKING, PLEASE CONTACT AN EXPERT! DO YOU HAVE AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY?!โ€

โ€œYes, I do.โ€

โ€œWhat is it, then?!โ€

โ€œIโ€™m on fire.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband: โ€œHello, 911? Yes, thereโ€™s this Hindu fellow whoโ€™s been following my wife around for the past few hours, and itโ€™s starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees, and heโ€™s... praying, or something.โ€

911 operator: โ€œSir, calm down, thereโ€™s no issue hereโ€”Hindus are well known to worship cows.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€

โ€œHey, I know itโ€™s been a week since Halloween is over, but Iโ€™m seriously starting to doubt the body hanging from my neighborโ€™s tree is not a decoration.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blondeโ€™s neighborโ€™s house was on fire, so she called 911.

The blonde told the operator, โ€œMy neighborโ€™s house is on fire!โ€

The operator asked, โ€œWhere are you?โ€

The blonde answered, โ€œAt my houseโ€.

The operator replied, โ€œNo, Iโ€™m asking how do we get there?โ€

The blonde said, โ€œIn a firetruck, duh!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œ911, where is your emergency?โ€

โ€œDamn, she gave me the wrong number.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you know that according to 911 choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a โ€œbear attackโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A terrified mother called 911.

โ€œHelp me!โ€ she said. โ€œMy son just swallowed a fork!โ€

The 911 operator told her not to worry and that he would send over an ambulance right away.

โ€œWhat should I do until it arrives?โ€ the mother asked him.

Operator: โ€œUse a spoon.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Me: โ€œHello, 911? I want to report a hit-and-run.โ€

Dispatcher: โ€œWhat was the make and model of the vehicle?โ€

Me: โ€œIt was a Lamborghini Silhouette.โ€

Dispatcher: โ€œHow do you spell that?โ€

Me: โ€œHuh!? Sorry, I mean it was a BMW Z4.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?

You knock on the door.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A boy calls 911, โ€œHello? I need your help!โ€

The operator says, โ€œAlright. What is it?โ€

The boy says, โ€œTwo girls are fighting over me!โ€

The operator asks, โ€œSo, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€

The boy says, โ€œThe ugly one is winning.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two hunters were out hunting in the woods when one of them collapsed.

The other hunter whipped out his phone and dialed 911.

The hunter tells the operator that he thinks his friend is dead.

The operator calms down the hunter and tells him to make sure heโ€™s dead.

There was a brief pause and all of a sudden a gunshot could be heard.

โ€œOkay, heโ€™s definitely dead. What next?โ€ asks the hunter.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy calls 911 and says, โ€œI need an ambulance, my wife fell down and canโ€™t get up.โ€

The operator says, โ€œOk, sir. Iโ€™m afraid our GPS is down, so Iโ€™m going to need you to give me your street address.โ€

The guy replies, โ€œWe live at 355 Kosciuszko Street.โ€

The operator responds, โ€œCould you please spell that for me, sir?โ€

The guy pauses and says, โ€œYou know what, Iโ€™m just gonna drag her over to Elm Street.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man rushed to dial 911 one evening when his wife displayed early signs of a stroke.

โ€œDonโ€™t worry, sir,โ€ reassured the dispatcher. โ€œEmergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive.โ€

โ€œHow long will the ambulance be?โ€ the man asked.

โ€œAbout eighteen feet,โ€ replied the dispatcher.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An orchestra conductor calls 911, โ€œHelp! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?โ€

The 911 operator says, โ€œSimple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The phone rang at my work.

My boss asked, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you answer it?โ€

I said, โ€œIโ€™ll let it ring for a while. That way theyโ€™ll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.โ€

My boss shouted, โ€œANSWER IT NOW!โ€

I picked up the phone and said, โ€œ911, whatโ€™s the emergency?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A biker is riding a new motorbike on the highway.

While passing a car, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window, โ€œYes?โ€

โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œNo, I havenโ€™t.โ€

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window, โ€œYes?โ€

โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œNo, I havenโ€™t.โ€

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch.

A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.

Covered in blood, the biker asks, โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œYes, I have. I had a Honda for 20 years.โ€

The biker says, โ€œTell me, where are the brakes?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home, he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice, he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs, he looked back and shouted, โ€œI thought youโ€™d be tougher than that, Batman!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a nun with a drinking problem?

A bad habit.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is black and white, black and white, black and white?

A nun rolling down a hill.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, โ€œYouโ€™re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before itโ€™s too late!โ€

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later, a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says, โ€œSister, shall we just write โ€˜Attention, the bridge is demolishedโ€™?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy runs into a bar, and yells, โ€œQuick! How tall is a penguin?โ€

The bartender says, โ€œThree feet tall.โ€

The guy says, โ€œOh my God! I just ran over a nun!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink.

Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the cityโ€™s problems.

Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, โ€œListen, sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesnโ€™t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs, and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!โ€

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, โ€œI see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed...โ€

โ€œLook there you go again,โ€ said the man, โ€œHow can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even tried alcohol?โ€

โ€œOf course not!โ€ gasped the nun, โ€œThe evil alcohol has never touched my lips.โ€

โ€œDo you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?โ€

โ€œWell, I really donโ€™t know ...โ€

โ€œIโ€™ll tell you what, come into the bar with me, and Iโ€™ll buy you a drink. One drink. Iโ€™ll prove to you that evil is not inside the glass, itโ€™s inside the person.โ€

โ€œOh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, itโ€™s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit youโ€™ve aroused a curiosity in me.โ€

โ€œWell, letโ€™s go inside and settle this.โ€

โ€œNo, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this? Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this scotch you mentioned. Bring it out to me and Iโ€™ll try it.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re on!โ€ said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup.

He went into the bar and said to the bartender, โ€œTwo scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please.โ€

The bartender sighed and said, โ€œIs that darn โ€œnunโ€ out there again?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

โ€œMy daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,โ€ said God.

โ€œDear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,โ€ said the nun.

โ€œThere must be something you would have of me,โ€ said God.

โ€œWell, there is one thing,โ€ she said.

โ€œJust name it,โ€ said God.

โ€œItโ€™s those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.โ€

โ€œConsider it done,โ€ said God. โ€œBlonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.โ€

โ€œThere is one thing. But itโ€™s really small, and not worth your time,โ€ said the nun.

โ€œName it. Please,โ€ said God.

โ€œItโ€™s the M&Mโ€™s,โ€ said the nun. โ€œTheyโ€™re so hard to peel.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superiorโ€™s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

โ€œMotherโ€, the nuns pleaded, โ€œPlease give us some wisdom before you die.โ€

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, โ€œDonโ€™t sell that cow.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, โ€œThis is for washing our hair.โ€

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, โ€œThe curlers are on me.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads.

One said, โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song, and they pay him 50 bucks.โ€

โ€œOh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem, and they pay him 100 bucks.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s nothing,โ€ said the third kid. โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon, and it takes six people to collect all the money!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man calls home to his wife and says, โ€œHoney, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. Weโ€™ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion Iโ€™ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. Weโ€™re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.โ€

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, โ€œYes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didnโ€™t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?โ€

โ€œI did, theyโ€™re in your tackle box.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s Uranusโ€™ favorite party trick?

Its gas giant dance moves.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I saw someone at the grocery store who angrily stabbed a box of corn flakes, and the flakes went everywhere.

The person was arrested for being a cereal killer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I once accidentally poured glue in my sonโ€™s corn flakes.

Heโ€™s never talked to me again.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple โ€œThank youโ€ is all I need.

Not all this โ€œHow did you get in my house??!!!โ€ business.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The bed-and-breakfast was owned by a little old lady who would cook the most amazing biscuits for breakfast every morning.

The guy loved these biscuits so much that he would eat five or six every morning, and he even extended his stay at the bed-and-breakfast just so he could eat more of these amazing biscuits.

Finally, after a few weeks he decided to ask her, โ€œMaโ€™am, these are the most amazing biscuits I have ever eaten in my life. Ho do you make them taste so good?โ€

The little old lady smiled and said, โ€œItโ€™s nothing really. All I do is mix about 2 cups of flour with one teaspoon of sugar, one tablespoon of baking powder, and three mouth fulls of buttermilk.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t vampireโ€™s make good artists?

Because all they draw is blood.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?

She still hasnโ€™t gotten all the hair off her tongue.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.

โ€œShe obviously has COVID,โ€ my wife said.

โ€œWhy?โ€ I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, โ€œBecause she has no taste.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I met a girl last night and after so flirting asked her if she wanted to come home with me to play โ€œDoctorโ€.

So when we got to my place, I left her sitting on my couch with a bunch of outdated magazines on the end table for 2 1/2 hours before I came out of my bedroom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Traffic policeman: โ€œDidnโ€™t you hear my whistle, madam?โ€

Woman driver: โ€œYes, but I donโ€™t like flirting while Iโ€™m driving.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the definition of Specimen?

An Italian astronaut.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the definition of a surprise?

A fart with a lump in it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference in definition of complete vs. finished?

When you marry the right woman, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.

When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so dumb I asked her what she does for a living, and she said breathe.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My sister so dumb she genuinely spent lockdown studying for a COVID test.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy is so dumb he got hit by a parked car.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy is so dumb when he jumps the fence, the gate was open.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy is so dumb he tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy is soย dumb the computer said โ€œpress any key to continueโ€, and he was looking for the any key BUTTON.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy is so dumb he sold his car for gas money.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo sister so ugly her pillow cries at night.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your sister is so ugly when she sits on the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your sister is so ugly when she was born your mom said, โ€œWhat a treasure!โ€

And your dad said, โ€œYes, letโ€™s bury it.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your sister is so ugly when she goes to the bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy is so ugly they shot a film called โ€œGorillas in the Mistโ€ in his shower.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy is so ugly when your mom kicked him out of the house, the police arrested him for littering.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy is so uglyย he has nightmares about himself.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy is so ugly that he looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy so fat he wore a gray shirt to the zoo, they thought the elephants escaped.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy so fat when he goes camping, the bears hide THEIR food.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy so fat when God said โ€œlet there be lightโ€, he asked him to move out of the way.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo sister so fat she has two watches, one for each time zone sheโ€™s in.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo sister so fat that when she took a selfie, Instagram crashed.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your sister is so fat her Apple Watch is an iPad Pro on a rope.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo sister so fat sheโ€™s the reason London Bridge is falling down.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo sister so fat the only way she burns calories is when her food catches on fire.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Had an encounter with a dyslexic witch.

I am safe because she couldnโ€™t spell.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him.

But the witch demanded a young, handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her.

On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa.

Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that.

The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body.

She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him.

The moral of the story is, no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.

Unfortunately, they didnโ€™t catch on at that time, since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


While I was drunk last night, I was apparently accused of witchcraft.

The next day, I was hung over.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A farmer named Rick had a car accident.

In court, the trucking companyโ€™s lawyer was questioning Rick. โ€œDidnโ€™t you say, at the moment of the accident, โ€˜Iโ€™m fineโ€™,โ€ asked the lawyer?

Rick responded, โ€œWell, Iโ€™ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...โ€

โ€œI did not ask you for any details,โ€ the lawyer interrupted. โ€œJust answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, โ€˜Iโ€™m fineโ€™?โ€

Rick said, โ€œWell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road.โ€

The lawyer interrupted again and said, โ€œJudge, Iโ€™m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.โ€

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Rickโ€™s answer and said to the lawyer, โ€œIโ€™d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.โ€

Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. โ€œWell, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didnโ€™t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said โ€˜how are you feeling?โ€™. Now, what the heck would YOU say?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wife asks, โ€œWhy are you watching our wedding video backwards?โ€

Husband: โ€œI like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?

Phil Ming.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid she thought The Exorcist was a workout video.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I have inner beauty.

And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


To her credit, the registeredย nurse that prepped my father for his vasectomy was very gentle and pretty sure she didnโ€™t mean to be unkind.

But he didnโ€™t think it was very nice of her to say, โ€œJust a little prick, sir.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why should you always be kind to registeredย nurses?

Remember that they choose your catheter size.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man came storming out of the courthouse, ranting and raving, obviously really angry.

He stomped across the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, โ€œAsshole attorneysโ€.

The man next to him recoiled in outrage, saying, โ€œI want you to know I highly resent that remarkโ€.

โ€œWhy, are you an attorney?โ€

โ€œNo, Iโ€™m an asshole.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between North Korea and the USA?

In North Korea, power passes from grandfather to grandson.

In the USA, power passes from grandfather to grandfather.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

Every morning you will rise and shine!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatever you do, always give 100 %.

Unless you are donating blood.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.

One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, โ€œIf you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.โ€

Her husband didnโ€™t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking, just like he always did.

His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husbandโ€™s underwear as he slept.

A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.

After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. โ€œWhat happened?โ€ asked the wife.

โ€œYou were right! My intestines did come out, but donโ€™t worry, honey, after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed.

She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.

โ€œWhatโ€™s the matter, honey?โ€ she asks. โ€œWhy the heck are you down here at this hour?โ€

Her husband looks up at her, โ€œDo you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?โ€

โ€œSure,โ€ she answers, puzzled.

Her husband groaned in sadness, โ€œAnd do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?โ€

Wife: โ€œYes, of course.โ€

โ€œAnd do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said โ€˜You either marry her or Iโ€™ll put you in jail for 20 years!โ€™?โ€

โ€œYea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!โ€ she demanded to know.

The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said,โ€œItโ€™s just... I would have been out today.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip.

Now and then, the rabbiโ€™s grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable.

After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, โ€œI wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. Whatโ€™s your secret?โ€

The rabbi replied, โ€œThink about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of God. So they look up to me.

But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Philosophy:

A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Young actor: โ€œDad, guess what? Iโ€™ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man whoโ€™s been married for 30 years.โ€

Father: โ€œWell, keep at it, son. Maybe one day youโ€™ll get a speaking part.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An actor suffering from dementia just hit my car. I got him arrested.

As he was getting arrested, he kept saying, โ€œDo you know who I am?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do zombie actors do before they perform?

They re-hearse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor.ย He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining.

He just couldnโ€™t find a role he could sink his teeth into.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happened when the man went to the acupuncturist?

When he got home, his voodoo doll was dead.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why canโ€™t you trust acupuncture specialists?

Theyโ€™ll always stab you in the back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t violists play hide and seek?

Because no one will look for them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?

The bow is moving.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do violists stand for long periods outside peopleโ€™s houses?

They canโ€™t find the key, and they donโ€™t know when to come in.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was the toilet paper in detention?

It was unraveling all the time!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

He wanted to get to the bottom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I donโ€™t know, itโ€™s never happened.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.

But by then, it was too late.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Today I donated a watch, a phone and $500 to a poor guy.

You canโ€™t know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I never knew what happiness was until I got married.

And then it was too late.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The 5 secrets to happiness for men:

1. Find a woman who can make you laugh.

2. Find a woman who can cook.

3. Find a woman who really listens to you.

4. Find a woman who is great in bed.

5. Make sure these 4 women donโ€™t find out about each other.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?

Cool jazz.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.

The police still canโ€™t see the full picture.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What killed the painter?

He had too many strokes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art dealer: โ€œI have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them.โ€

Painter: โ€œWow! Whatโ€™s the bad news?โ€

Art dealer: โ€œHe was your doctor.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An Indian walks into a cafรฉ with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, โ€œMe want coffee.โ€

The waiter says, โ€œSure chief, coming right up.โ€

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, โ€œMe want coffee.โ€

The waiter says, โ€œWhoa, Tonto. Weโ€™re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?โ€

The Indian smiles and proudly says, โ€œMe in training for upper management: come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What if a buffalo and baboon mated?

Their child would be a real buffoon.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.

The patients are going all crazy in the cargo, playing a soccer with an invisible ball.

The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes in the back to make them stop the noise.

They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.

The pilot asks the copilot to give it a shot at calming the patients down.

The copilot goes in the back, the noise stops, and he returns to the cabin.

Half an hour later, the plane is quiet.

The pilot is impressed and asks the copilot how he did it.

The copilot replies, โ€œI told them: Soccer is not allowed indoors. You have to take it outside.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Iโ€™m thinking of taking up acting.

Does anyone know of a local soccer league I could join?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was stuck in traffic outside Washington, DC this morning. No-one was moving at all.

Then this guy knocked on my window.

I rolled it down and said, โ€œWhatโ€™s happening?โ€

He said, โ€œTerrorists have taken the entire US Congress hostage, and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if theyโ€™re not paid a $100 million dollar ransom. Weโ€™re going from car to car collecting donations.โ€

โ€œHow much is everyone giving?โ€ I asked.

He said, โ€œAbout a gallon.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathizers.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


People call my obsession with the afterlife suicidal.

Truth be told, Iโ€™m dying to find out if there is life after death.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.

The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, โ€œEnglander, your arm is infected with gangrene, we must cut it off.โ€

The English prisoner said, โ€œWell, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.โ€

The German replied, โ€œYeah, that will not be a problem.โ€

A few weeks later, the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.

The Englishman says, โ€œWell, could drop it over England like you did last time.โ€

โ€œYeah, that will be done,โ€ says the German.

The next day, the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.

Once again, the Brit says, โ€œWell, could you do the same as before?โ€

The German replies, โ€œYeah.โ€

The next day, the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.

โ€œWell,โ€ begins the Brit, โ€œcould you just...โ€

The German snapped, โ€œNo! We think you are trying to escape!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A male driver is pulled over by a cop.

Man: โ€œWhatโ€™s the problem, officer?โ€

Cop: โ€œYou were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.โ€

Man: โ€œNo sir, I was going 65.โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, you were going 80.โ€

Cop: โ€œIโ€™m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.โ€

Man: โ€œBroken tail light? I didnโ€™t know about a broken tail light!โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, youโ€™ve known about that tail light for weeks.โ€

Cop: โ€œIโ€™m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.โ€

Man: โ€œOh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.โ€

Man: โ€œShut your mouth, woman!โ€

Cop: โ€œMaโ€™am, does your husband always talk to you this way?โ€

Wife: โ€œNo, only when heโ€™s drunk.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend thinks heโ€™s intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man sees a boy with a box of kittens. He goes over and says, โ€œOh, what cute kittens!โ€

The boy replies, โ€œYes, they are Christian kittens.โ€

About a week later, the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens.

Once again he walks over and says, โ€œMy, those are just adorable!โ€

The boy replies, โ€œYes, they are atheist kittens.โ€

The man asks, โ€œWait, werenโ€™t they Christian before?โ€

The boy looks at the man and says, โ€œYeah, but they have their eyes open now.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I hate being a depressed atheist.

Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.

He panicked and shouted, โ€œGod, help me!โ€ and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.

A voice from the heavens boomed โ€œYou say you donโ€™t believe in me, but now youโ€™re asking for my help?โ€

The atheist looked up and said, โ€œWell, ten seconds ago I didnโ€™t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists wonโ€™t claim that god did it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the atheist cross the road?

He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldnโ€™t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad. Her mother asks her whatโ€™s wrong.

She says, โ€œBill proposed to me an hour ago.โ€

Her mother asks, โ€œWhy are you so sad then?โ€

The girl replies, โ€œBecause he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesnโ€™t even believe thereโ€™s a hell.โ€

Her mother says, โ€œMarry him anyway. Between the two of us, weโ€™ll show him how wrong he is.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the evangelical atheist?

She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear an Arsenal support shirt for two weeks.

So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked and verbally abused.

It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three soccer playersโ€”one plays for Manchester United, one for Liverpool and one for Arsenalโ€”are lost in the desert.

They come across a dead camel and are having trouble deciding who gets what.

So the guy from Manchester says, โ€œWell, since Iโ€™m from ManCHESTer, Iโ€™ll get the chest.

The player from Liverpool goes, โ€œWell, in that case I'll eat the liver.

Then guy from ARSEnal says, โ€œIโ€™m not hungry...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said to her husband, โ€œLook at this, dear. Thereโ€™s an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldnโ€™t do a thing like that, would you?โ€

โ€œOf course I wouldnโ€™t!โ€ replied her husband. โ€œThe seasonโ€™s almost over!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Bad news: The lovely architect down my street has passed away.

Good news: His coffin looks super cool.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between a doctor and an architect?

An architectโ€™s mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was driving down the road today when I say a sign for fresh Amish cheese that read, โ€œMade with real Amish milk.โ€

I didnโ€™t even know you could milk the Amish.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa.

The university responsed, โ€œWhy do we need another phone company?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


AI will never take away my job.

Only an idiot would do my job.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female?

Because theyโ€™re never wrong.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?

Artificial intelligence.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man with one leg?

Anything you want. He canโ€™t run fast enough to catch you.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.

We still donโ€™t know to whom that leg belonged.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I saw a one-legged man with no arms at the ATM today. He asked me to help him check his balance.

So I pushed the guy over.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On New Yearโ€™s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because sheโ€™s got a uniform on, sheโ€™s probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, โ€œWe love to fly and it shows.โ€

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, โ€œWinning the hearts of the world.โ€

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, โ€œGoing beyond expectations.โ€

The woman looks at him wearily and says, โ€œWhat the heck do you WANT, moron?โ€

โ€œAh!โ€ he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, โ€œAmerican Airlines!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, โ€œI need to get up and get a Coke.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t get up,โ€ said the Army Ranger, โ€œIโ€™m in the aisle seat, Iโ€™ll get it for you.โ€

As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Rangerโ€™s shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, โ€œThat looks good, Iโ€™d really like one, too.โ€

Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Rangerโ€™s other shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

โ€œWhy does it have to be this way?โ€ he asked. โ€œHow long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed the opposite direction.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.

He looks at his twisted car and says, โ€œMan, I am really lucky to be alive!โ€

Likewise the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.

He too says to himself, โ€œI canโ€™t believe I survived this wreck!โ€

The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, โ€œHey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.โ€

The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, โ€œYou know, youโ€™re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now Iโ€™m gonna see what else survived this wreck.โ€

So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.

He says to the Marine, โ€œI think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship.โ€

The Marine replies, โ€œYouโ€™re damn right!โ€ and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, โ€œYour turn!โ€

The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine and says, โ€œNahh, I think Iโ€™ll wait for the cops to show up.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Akpos told his servant, โ€œGo and water the plants.โ€

Servant: โ€œItโ€™s already raining.โ€

Akpos: โ€œSo what, take an umbrella and go!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œClass, choose between money and brain.โ€

Akpos: โ€œIโ€™d go for the money!โ€

Teacher: โ€œIโ€™d go for brain!โ€

Akpos: โ€œWell, everybody goes for what he doesnโ€™t have.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Akposโ€™s wife was busy singing in the bedroom.

Akpos: โ€œYou know, my dear, when you sing like that, I just wish you were on a radio.

Wife: โ€œWow, honey. Am I that good?โ€

Akpos: โ€œNo, at least on a radio I can change the station.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œIf your father has $10, and you

asked for $5, how much will your father

have?โ€

Akpos: โ€œ$10.โ€

Teacher: โ€œYou donโ€™t know maths.โ€

Akpos: โ€œYou donโ€™t know my father!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If you add the two numbers in your chronological age, you get your true age.

So youโ€™re 5 now, and you canโ€™t really argue the similarities. Five-year-olds have a tough time tying their shoes, can barely spell their own name, and need help reading!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why can you trust your friends more after turning 50?

Because you canโ€™t even remember each otherโ€™s names, let alone your deepest secrets!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when youโ€™re thankful when someone tells you that you have lipstick on your teeth because it means you still have teeth.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when your face has more wrinkles than an elephantโ€™s backside.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when you and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when you have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you canโ€™t see over your belly.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re 50 when you now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does Dr. Frankenstein call the cemetery?

Human Resources.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

Itโ€™s my jingle bell rock.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a cow with three legs?

Tri-tip.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections.

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

โ€œGovernor, our town has been experiencing two big problems,โ€ says one of the leaders.

The politician pounds his table, โ€œOk, tell me what they are,โ€ย he impatiently replies, all the while looking around to confirm if the excessive display got a favorable response.

โ€œOK, our first problem is a flu outbreak, but we lack doctors and hospitals, and the second one is...โ€

The politician cuts him off, โ€œStop right there, Iโ€™ll make some calls,โ€ as the politician animatedly grabs his phone, punches the numbers, and makes his calls.

โ€œYes! Yes! That would be great, tomorrow then,โ€ he loudly replies before punching another number for another call. โ€œYes, a hospital, I will pay for it personally.โ€

He hangs up and turns to everyone, โ€œGood news, everyone! I have arranged for a group of doctors to come here tomorrow and check on those afflicted,โ€ he loudly proclaims. โ€œI have also called for the immediate construction of a hospital, which would begin as soon as we are able to find a suitable area today. Now, what was your other problem?โ€

โ€œYes, our second problem is that we donโ€™t have cellphone coverage here.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

โ€œThis is your doctor. Weโ€™ve had the results back from your tests, and weโ€™ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!โ€

โ€œOh my gosh!โ€ cries the man. Heโ€™s in a panic now. โ€œWhat are you going to do, doctor?โ€

โ€œWell, weโ€™re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.โ€

โ€œWill that cure me?โ€ asked the man, hopefully.

The doctor replied, โ€œWell, no, but... itโ€™s the only food we can get under the door.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, โ€œYour cat got run over by a car and died.โ€

The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.

His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.

A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.

โ€œWhat?โ€ he asks.

His friend replies, โ€œYour grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call tortilla chips with guns?

Loaded Nachos.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dear Justin Bieber haters, please respect him.

I owe my life to Justin.

Last August 16, 2014, I was in a coma for 4 months due to a terrible car accident. One day, my nurse turned the radio to Justinโ€™s song.

So I got up... and turned off the radio.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I hate those people who knock on your door and say โ€œYou need to get โ€˜savedโ€™ or youโ€™ll โ€˜burnโ€™โ€.

Stupid firemen.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 60th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice, luxurious hotel.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

โ€œItโ€™s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly arenโ€™t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didnโ€™t even have breakfast,โ€ she told the clerk.

The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.

The manager showed up and explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.

โ€œBut I didnโ€™t use them,โ€ the old woman said.

โ€œWell, they are here, and you could have,โ€ he replied.

The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.

โ€œWe have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,โ€ he said.

โ€œBut I didnโ€™t go to any of those shows,โ€ she said.

The manager replied, โ€œWell, we have them, and you could have.โ€

Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, โ€œBut I didnโ€™t use it!โ€

The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.

The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him.

โ€œBut madam, this check is for only $50.00,โ€ he said.

โ€œThat is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,โ€ the old lady replied.

โ€œBut I didnโ€™t!โ€ the manager shouted.

โ€œWell, too bad, I was here, and you could have.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.

I took in a breath and asked aloud, โ€œWhatโ€™s that smell?โ€

She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, โ€œChanel, 500 dollars an ounce.โ€ She turned away.

About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.

She turns to me and asks, โ€œWhatโ€™s that smell?โ€

I say, โ€œBroccoli, $1.49 a pound.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Success is like a fart.

It only bothers people when itโ€™s not their own.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was riding on the bus and reading an article about life and death statistics.

Then, fascinated, he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says, โ€œDid you know that every time I breathe, somebody dies?โ€

The fellow turns to him and says, โ€œHave you tried mouthwash?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chhattisgarh Minister: โ€œThe voters will get electric shock if they donโ€™t vote/press the button for Congress.

Villagers: โ€œAt least, electricity will come under this pretext.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I watched the Indian version of How I Met Your Mother.

Thereโ€™s just one episode, and it was about the wedding.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Alcohol is a perfect solvent.

It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Yearโ€™s Eve.

He asks the first police officer he sees, โ€œWhy am I here?โ€

โ€œFor drinking,โ€ replies the officer.

โ€œGreat,โ€ says the man, โ€œWhen do we start?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Alcoholics donโ€™t run in my family.

But sometimes they fall down the stairs.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œHi, my name is Bob, and Iโ€™m an alcoholic.โ€

โ€œSir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.โ€

โ€œI know, Iโ€™m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs donโ€™t turn into men when they drink.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husbandโ€™s key in the door.

โ€œStay where you are,โ€ she said. โ€œHeโ€™s so drunk he wonโ€™t even notice youโ€™re in bed with me.โ€

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife, โ€œHey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. Whatโ€™s going on?โ€

โ€œNonsense,โ€ said the wife. โ€œYouโ€™re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.โ€

The husband climbed out of bed and counted, โ€œOne, two, three, four. Youโ€™re right, you know.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. โ€œShe must be a poor old fool,โ€ he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.

After heโ€™s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, โ€œSo how many have you caught today?โ€ The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, โ€œYouโ€™re the eighth.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.

He says, โ€œYouโ€™ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?โ€ The bartender turns to the band and yells, โ€œFrank, Iโ€™ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy was in a bar drinking beer.

He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.

The guy says, โ€œAs soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldnโ€™t stand the curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, โ€œI am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but Iโ€™ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?โ€

The woman replied, โ€œWell, that first hearse is for my husband.โ€

โ€œWhat happened to him?โ€

The woman replied, โ€œMy dog attacked him to death.โ€

She inquired further, โ€œWell, who is in the second hearse?โ€

The woman answered, โ€œMy mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.โ€

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

โ€œCan I borrow the dog?โ€

โ€œGet in line!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.

One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

โ€œWho are you?โ€ he asked.

โ€œIโ€™m the Devil!โ€ she responded.

โ€œWell, come on home with me,โ€ he said, โ€œI married your sister.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

โ€œHoly cow, Mister,โ€ one of them said after catching his breath, โ€œYou scared us half to deathโ€”we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?โ€

โ€œThose fools!โ€ the old man grumbled. โ€œThey misspelled my name!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I stopped by grandmotherโ€™s house and Iโ€™m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.

Sheโ€™s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess Iโ€™ll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?

Because they just had their brains scooped out!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It was so cold that roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It was so cold that the squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so cold, I farted snowflakes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What a morning...

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didnโ€™t make a snowwoman.

8:15 I made a snowwoman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snowwomanโ€™s voluptuous chest.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snowwoman to wear a headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see whatโ€™s going on.

8:42 I am told the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter, โ€œYeah, if itโ€™s up your...โ€

8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 Iโ€™m on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 ISIS just claimed responsibility...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman?

A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A couple goes to an art gallery.

They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesnโ€™t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks: โ€œWhat are you waiting for?โ€

The husband replies, โ€œAutumn.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t pumpkins get into arguments?

Because they have no stomach for fighting.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?

Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, โ€œItโ€™s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.โ€

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, โ€œNow, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that Iโ€™d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.โ€

โ€œThen, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.โ€

โ€œWhen I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.โ€

He continued, โ€œThen I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

โ€œWhen I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.โ€

โ€œMeanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked because itโ€™s the most accurate way of measuring my weight.

If thatโ€™s true, I still donโ€™t get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.

A salesclerk comes up to her and asks what sheโ€™s looking for.

โ€œIโ€™m looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I donโ€™t know what kind he uses.โ€

โ€œIs it the ball type?โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ she replied. โ€œItโ€™s for his armpits.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One day an Irishman called Seamus went into a pharmacy in Clonmel. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle of Irish whiskey and a teaspoon.

Seamus proceeded to pour some of the amber liquid into the teaspoon and offered it to the chemist.

โ€œCould you taste this for me, please?โ€ asked Seamus.

The chemist took the teaspoon, put it into his mouth, swilled the liquid around and swallowed it.

โ€œDoes that taste sweet to you?โ€ says Seamus.

โ€œNo, not at all,โ€ says the pharmacist.

โ€œOh thatโ€™s a relief,โ€ says Seamus. โ€œDoctor Flannigan told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, โ€œIโ€™d like to have some birth control pills.โ€

Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, โ€œExcuse me, Mrs. Smith, but youโ€™re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?โ€

The woman responded, โ€œThey help me sleep better.โ€

The pharmacist thought some more and continued, โ€œHow in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?โ€

The woman said, โ€œI put them in my granddaughterโ€™s orange juice and I sleep better at night.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of

feminine product for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

The salesgirl says confused, โ€œSir, I thought you were looking for some

feminine product for your wife?โ€

He answers, โ€œYou see, itโ€™s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause itโ€™s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œAlcohol may intensify the effects of this medicationโ€

I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Ever had to force your dog into taking its medication?

Itโ€™s the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know youโ€™re up to something.

So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they donโ€™t bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes.

But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

Thatโ€™s scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I just got a job at a pharmacy. The pay isnโ€™t great...

But the percs are amazing!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of feminine product, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, โ€œSon, how old are you?โ€

โ€œEight,โ€ the boy replied.

The man continued, โ€œDo you know what these are used for?โ€

The boy replied, โ€œNot exactly, but they arenโ€™t for me. Theyโ€™re for him. Heโ€™s my brother. Heโ€™s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he canโ€™t do either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My pharmacist recently lost his arm.

Now I call him my โ€œphacistโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?

She said, โ€œGod was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?

โ€œYou are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?

He said, โ€œHey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I heard an uber from your eyebrows to your hairline is like 40$.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I saw your hairline I thought you worked at McDonaldโ€™s.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo hairline is so bad when you look in the mirror yo hairline looks like an endangered specie.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know youโ€™re going bald when you use more toothpaste than shampoo.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The lice in your head are starting to concern over deforestation.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your forehead is a 20-mile taxi ride from your eyebrows to your hairline.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.

The wife and the mother-in-law.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Girlfriend: โ€œDarling, can I go out in this dress?โ€

Boyfriend: โ€œYes dear, itโ€™s already dark out.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Marriage is an institution of three rings:

engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A golden rule of the wife:

There isnโ€™t a problem in the world that couldnโ€™t be created.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The relationship between a man and a woman is a psychological one.

The woman is psycho, the man is logical.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An Iranian on taking revenge on America:

โ€œAmerica has no hero that we can target. Itโ€™s a huge country, but no real heroes. Who are we going to assassinate there? Spider-Man? SpongeBob?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why America failed to save the world from coronavirus?

Thor is in Asgard.

Iron Man died.

Captain is now old.

Hulk doesnโ€™t have much power.

The rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona.

And China ate Spider-Man and Batman.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Spider-Man was found dead this morning.

Police believe he committed insecticide.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the childrenโ€™s activity center.

Itโ€™s like theyโ€™d never seen a naked man before.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyoneโ€™s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, โ€œDid you see what your monkey just did?โ€

โ€œNo, what?โ€

โ€œHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table โ€“ whole!โ€

โ€œYeah, that doesnโ€™t surprise me,โ€ replied the guy, โ€œHe eats everything in sight, donโ€™t worry, Iโ€™ll pay for the cue ball.โ€

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.

He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

The monkey found a cherry on the bar.

He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, โ€œDid you see what that filthy ape just did?โ€

โ€œNo, what?โ€ asked the man.

โ€œWell, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.โ€

โ€œYeah, that doesnโ€™t surprise me,โ€ replied the guy. โ€œHeโ€™ll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband says to his wife.

Husband: โ€œIโ€™m going down to the pub, get your coat on.

Wife: โ€œOoh, am I coming?โ€

Husband: โ€œNo, Iโ€™m turning the heating off.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot that you can tell who has plastic surgery.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.

He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.

In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.

Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.

As he lay dying, he cried out, โ€œGod, how could you do this to me?โ€

And a voice from the heavens responded, โ€œTo tell you the truth, Thompson, I didnโ€™t recognize you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.

Itโ€™s my wifeโ€™s birthday and I thought, โ€œWhat the hell! Iโ€™ll treat her.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut youโ€™ve ever seen.

โ€œGive me two shots of Jack Daniels,โ€ he says to the bartender. โ€œOne for me, and one for you.โ€

โ€œYou know, I donโ€™t drink on the job,โ€ the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, โ€œAnd thatโ€™s why I like you better than my barber!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Aliens: โ€œWeโ€™ve come to destroy the Earth.โ€

Greta: โ€œItโ€™s a bit late, right?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

โ€œHuman creature,โ€ the alien bellows, โ€œwe last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.โ€

The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, โ€œWell, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. Weโ€™d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and weโ€™d eat it right off the stick.โ€

โ€œThat is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?โ€

โ€œOh, nowadays we use two sticks.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so fat when she farts scientists on Tatooine think the star around Coruscant just went supernova.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat she pooped out the Death Star!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mommaโ€™s so fat she uses Kamonians as toothpicks.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mammaโ€™s so fat I saw her using a Star Destroyer as an ironing board.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat she played basketball with the Death Star.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mommaโ€™s so fat the Millenium Falcon can hide in her belly button.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that you had to use a toothpick to compete in the javelin.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that I canโ€™t see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that when you get angry at people for making fun of you, all you can do is bite their ankles.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You are so short that you can do push-ups underneath a closed door.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You are so short you fell from curb and nearly dies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that you can save on rent by living in a dollโ€™s house.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short you could use a pillow as your bed and still have some wiggle room.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short she sat on a coin and her feet didnโ€™t touch the ground.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama is so short she doesnโ€™t roll dice she pushes them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she gotta use an elevator to go up each step.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mommaโ€™s hair is so short she curls the hair with a grain of rice.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short that she does pull-ups on a staple.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short that she can play handball on the curb.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short that when she sneezes she hits her head on the floor.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mamaโ€™s so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she committed suicide by jumping off the curb.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. Itโ€™s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.

His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, โ€œNo, they are for the funeral.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three kids one day found a magical slide.

There was a sign next to it saying โ€œwhatever you wish for comes true once you slide downโ€.

One kid stepped up and slid down, he wished for a river of chocolate, thus he swam in a chocolate river.

The second kid slid down and wished for a mountain of money, he then landed in a pile of money.

The third kid went down and said, โ€œWeeeeeeee!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a petrol station and says, โ€œCan I please have a KitKat Chunky?โ€

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

โ€œNo,โ€ says the man, โ€œI wanted a normal KitKat, fatty.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled โ€œThe Milky Bars are on me!โ€, people just cheered.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Public Service Announcement:

โ€œIf you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggsโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?

A Tinder surprise.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I went to a church menโ€™s campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.

Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.

A few minutes go by, then someone asks, โ€œHey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good.โ€

โ€œTo which Joe replies, โ€œChocolate sausage.โ€

This gets everyoneโ€™s attention.

When the sausage finished cooking, Joe offers a piece to anyone who wanted to try it.

A few of the guys take a cut and eat it, then get confused looks on their faces.

The same guy asks Joe again, โ€œThis doesnโ€™t taste any different than normal sausage. Chocolate?..โ€

Still waking up, Joe clears his throat and says, โ€œThe horse was named Chocolate.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


life is NOT like a box of chocolates.

Itโ€™s more like a jar of jalapenos: what you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

โ€œSon,โ€ said the man, โ€œeating too much candy isnโ€™t good for you.โ€

โ€œMy grandfather lived to be 100,โ€ Johnny replies.

โ€œDid he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œNo,โ€ said Johnny, โ€œHe minded his own damn business!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.

As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.

He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.

Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, โ€œIโ€™m God, looks like you were wrong about me.โ€

Nietzsche replies, โ€œNot at all. If youโ€™re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There was a young pregnant woman. Her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.

She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.

So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly, โ€œBe nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank you.โ€

She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!

The woman continued to wait for her newborn and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months, and years passed, the baby never came!

Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.

They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:

โ€œYou go first!โ€

โ€œNo, you go first!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain. So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion.

Only the prefect couldnโ€™t stand Rod, so he told him, โ€œYou will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back... erm... a pair of crocodile shoes!โ€

Roderick salutes and leaves.

Two years later, a search and rescue team is sent to India, to recover his remains.

After weeks of hacking through the jungle, they finally find him.

With a huge, thick beard and wearing rags, Rod sits on the riverbank holding a huge cudgel in his hands. Behind him is a gigantic pile of dead crocodiles.

A crocodile swims by; Rod whacks it on the head with the cudgel, drags it out of the water, examines its feet, and throws him on the pile with a curse, โ€œDamn, another one without shoes!!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors.

They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach andโ€”both of them having certain โ€œneedsโ€โ€”eventually start hooking up.

This keeps going as months turn into years and they fall in love.

One day she notices he looks depressed.

Scarlett says to him, โ€œListen, that plane crash was the best thing that ever happened to me because it means that the two of us are together. If there is anything at all I can do to cheer you up, please let me know.โ€

He tells her, โ€œActually, there is something. Put on a set of my clothes and tuck your hair up under one of my hats. Rub mud on your face so it looks like a beard and start walking down the beach.โ€

Scarlett thinks this is weird but, wanting to make him happy, goes along with it.

Once she gets about 200 yards down she turns around and sees her boyfriend running up to her shouting, โ€œBRO! BRO! Youโ€™ll never believe who Iโ€™m sleeping with!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Then I said, โ€œYour beard makes you look thinner.โ€

...But that didnโ€™t seem to cheer her up.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I was a young boy, my father taught me how to be a bearded man.

He took me into the bathroom, picked up a razor, and ate it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts.

โ€œHouston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.โ€

โ€œHouston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.โ€

โ€œHouston, we have a problem. Half of the moon is painted red and they continue.โ€

โ€œItโ€™s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.โ€

โ€œHouston, we have a problem. Whole moon is now red.โ€

โ€œNow is our time! Open compartment 3B/C, it contains white paint. And start painting: Coca-Cola.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.

โ€œFather, father look,โ€ the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. โ€œThe Americans have gone to the moon.โ€

The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, โ€œAll of them?โ€

โ€œNo, just 3,โ€ replies the kid.

โ€œDamn it!โ€ The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I am half Spider-Man, half batman and half moon knight...

Poor.

With no powers.

With mental disorders.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.

So when he got home from school, I said to him, โ€œSteve, do you mind sitting down, Iโ€™ve got something to tell you.โ€

โ€œDad, guess what?!โ€ he shouted excitedly.

โ€œSteve, this is important.โ€ I urged.

โ€œNo way, Dad. Listen!โ€

โ€œSteve. Please. Donโ€™t make this hard for me. Itโ€™s about your mum and me.โ€

โ€œDad! Shut up! Iโ€™ve just won ยฃ250,000 on a scratch card!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s amazing son! Your old Dadโ€™s really made up for you!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.

So I rang her and said, โ€œGuess what, I won the jackpot.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œDude, guess what?โ€

โ€œWhat?โ€

โ€œI canโ€™t believe theyโ€™re still together after all that crap theyโ€™ve been through?โ€

โ€œWho?โ€

โ€œMy butt cheeks.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I went to Dunkinโ€™ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...

Iโ€™ve been banned for life from that shop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

Donuts.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A brief rise in suicide is related to the Covid pandemic.

Murderers are working from home.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I canโ€™t work with idiots.

Thatโ€™s why I work from home and got rid of all the mirrors.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before โ€œworking from homeโ€ became a thing, I had no idea how great it would feel to walk around naked and fart all day whilst working!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so poor she chases after the garbage truck with a shopping list.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so hairy people wonder why she wears a fur coat to a nude beach.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so dumb she thought Call of Duty was a game about pooping.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so dumb when she got locked in a grocery store she starved to death.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old her breast milk is powder.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid the zombies walked past her because they didnโ€™t smell any brains.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat NASA thought she was a planet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat Darth Vader couldnโ€™t even force choke her.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat she fed an entire zombie apocalypse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat when she wears her yellow raincoat people yell out โ€œtaxi!โ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take.

Donโ€™t get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I known it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system.

Uranus is between them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god?

Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do you have solar panels on your home yet? I just had some put on. But Iโ€™m not sure if Iโ€™ll keep them.

The other day I was in my house and the computer and lights are flickering. So I did, what you would do, I went outside to check my new solar cells.

I get outside and look up at the roof, and there is a Gorilla messing with my solar panels.

I grabbed my phone and searched for what to do.

What luck! An ad for โ€œGorilla removalโ€.

I called the number and they said they were in the neighborhood and would be there in 5 minutes.

5 minutes later a white van showed up and as I approached the van this guy came around and opened the back van door. He pulled out a ladder, boxing gloves, a shotgun, and out jumped a little dog.

At this point, I asked the guy, โ€œHey whatโ€™s the plan?โ€

He said, โ€œWell, Iโ€™m going to put the ladder against the house, climb up on the roof, put on the boxing gloves, and box the gorilla off the roof. The little dog will bite him in the nuts and youโ€™ll never see that Gorilla again.โ€

To which I asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s the shotgun for?โ€

โ€œWell, if by chance the Gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is another fancy name for a sun fart?

A solar flare.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruitโ€™s face and said, โ€œIโ€™ll bet youโ€™re wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, arenโ€™t you?โ€

And the recruit says, โ€œNo, sir! When I get out of the army Iโ€™m never gonna stand in another line again!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young Arab boy asks his father, โ€œWhat is that strange hat you are wearing?โ€

The father said, โ€œWhy, my son, it is a โ€œchechiaโ€. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.โ€

โ€œAnd what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?โ€ asked the boy.

โ€œOh, my son!โ€ exclaimed the father, โ€œIt is very simple. This is a โ€œdjbellahโ€. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My โ€œdjbellahโ€ protects the entire body.โ€

The son then asked, โ€œBut Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?โ€

โ€œThese are โ€œbabouchesโ€ my son,โ€ the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These โ€œbabouchesโ€ keep us from burning our feet.โ€

โ€œSo tell me then,โ€ added the boy.

โ€œYes, my son...โ€

โ€œWhy are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Boy: โ€œHey Beautiful, Can I have your number?โ€

Girl: โ€œNo, I have a boyfriend.โ€

Boy: โ€œBut Iโ€™m gay, can I have the number now?โ€

Girl: โ€œOh, okay! Hereโ€™s the number.โ€

Boy: โ€œThanks, Iโ€™m not really gay. Ha!โ€

Girl: โ€œThatโ€™s my boyfriendโ€™s number.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman goes to her boyfriendโ€™s parentsโ€™ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasnโ€™t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriendโ€™s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the womenโ€™s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, โ€œGinger!โ€

The woman thought, โ€œThis is great!โ€ and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didnโ€™t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, โ€œDammit, Ginger!โ€

Once again the woman smiled and thought, โ€œYes!โ€

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didnโ€™t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, โ€œDammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Girl: โ€œWhat if a boy hugs me?โ€

Mom: โ€œSay โ€˜donโ€™tโ€™.โ€

Girl: โ€œWhat if he kisses me?โ€

Mom: โ€œSay โ€˜stopโ€™.โ€

The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DONโ€™T STOP!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Madonna is 54 and her boyfriendโ€™s 25.

Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriendโ€™s 26.

So if youโ€™re single itโ€™s ok, maybe heโ€™s just not born yet.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Friend 1: โ€œDoes she have a boyfriend?โ€

Friend 2: โ€œYes, a cute, strong and clever one.โ€

Friend 1: โ€œWhatโ€™s the name?โ€

Friend 2: โ€œJohn, Michael and Bill.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My boyfriend and I broke up.

He wanted to get married... I didnโ€™t want him to.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was perusing the shelves at a toy store when a customer asked an employee where the video game section was.

After pointing it out, the employee asked, โ€œIs there anything specific youโ€™re looking for?โ€

โ€œYes,โ€ said the customer. โ€œMy boyfriend.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Just went to the store and bought milk, cereal, juice and ice cream.

Cashier: โ€œYou must be single, right?โ€

Me: โ€œYes! How did you know?โ€

Cashier: โ€œBecause youโ€™re ugly.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?

He deserted his post.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The ice cream parlor asks for my order.

Parlor: โ€œHello Sir, can I take your order?โ€

Me: โ€œYes, Iโ€™d like a male hot fudge sundae please.โ€

Parlor: โ€œIโ€™m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?โ€

Me: โ€œYes, with nuts.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter, โ€œDo you have onion-flavored ice cream?โ€

The guy says, โ€œNo, we donโ€™t have onion-flavored ice cream.โ€

So the kid says, โ€œOk,โ€ and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question.

The guy again informs him that they donโ€™t carry onion-flavored ice cream.

This goes on for a week, and the guy running the ice cream shop figures the kid is probably autistic.

So, one night, he goes home and starts to work on a recipe for onion-flavored ice cream. He stays up all night working and perfecting onion-flavored ice cream, just for this kid.

Then, the next morning, when the kid comes in at his usual time and asks if they have onion-flavored ice cream, the guy answers him.

โ€œYes! Yes, we have onion-flavored ice cream!โ€

The kid replies, โ€œYou must be stupid. Who is gonna buy onion-flavored ice cream?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips, 2 chocolate bars and an ice cream.

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mommaโ€™s nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo moma so lazy she sticks her nose out the door and let the air blow it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s so stupid she combs the hair in her nose and not on her head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s nose is so big she can smell a fart coming.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s nose hairs are so long that they make Bobobo jealous!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mamaโ€™s breath is so bad that when she talks her nose hairs fall out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat when she sat on a dollar bill she squeezed a booger out of George Washingtonโ€™s nose.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.

When they ran into a family of skunks.

They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.

The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, โ€œThereโ€™s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?โ€

The husband thinks for a second and says, โ€œHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.โ€

The wife replies, โ€œWell what about the smell?โ€

The husband says, โ€œItโ€™ll be alright, just hold its nose.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high... he just couldnโ€™t stop as fast.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

Sheโ€™s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the womenโ€™s restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: โ€œCode 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.โ€

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We donโ€™t have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a โ€œCAUTION โ€“ WET FLOORโ€ sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers heโ€™d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed โ€œWhy canโ€™t you people just leave me alone?โ€. EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the โ€œMission Impossibleโ€ theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his โ€œMadonna Lookโ€ using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled โ€œPICK ME! PICK ME!โ€.

October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed โ€œOH NO! ITโ€™S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!โ€.

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly โ€œHey! Thereโ€™s no toilet paper in hereโ€. One of the clerks passed out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


All mushrooms are edible.

But some mushrooms are only edible once.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.

After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story... killed him.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut.

I said, โ€œWhy are you crying? Iโ€™m the one that has to find a new girlfriend.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: โ€œAbdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?โ€

Abdul: โ€œSir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.โ€

Today is Abdulโ€™s farewell party.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with earpiece).

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.

On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Disney is updating a childrenโ€™s classic with a pandemic theme.

Itโ€™s called โ€œThe Never Ending Storyโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disneyโ€™s Up for Halloween.

Iโ€™ll dress up as an old guy and sheโ€™ll dress up as a tombstone.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Blonde enters the pharmacy.

โ€œDo you have a pregnancy test?โ€

โ€œYes, we do.โ€

โ€œAre questions hard?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, โ€œDo you sell carrots?โ€

The pharmacist, surprised, responds, โ€œNo, this is a pharmacy.โ€

The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.

This time, the man responds, โ€œAs I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.โ€

Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.

Annoyed, the pharmacist says, โ€œLook, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.โ€

On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, โ€œDo you sell carrots?โ€

Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard that its teeth get completely shattered.

The rabbit leaves... and comes back the next day,

โ€œDo ya seh cahot juys?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isnโ€™t a fan of protection.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, โ€œIโ€™m supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m so sorry, Mr. Kringle,โ€ said the elf in charge of the workshop. โ€œOne of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. Iโ€™m afraid we only have four elites tonight.โ€

โ€œSo be it,โ€ said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done, Santa was one hour overdue.

Finally, the sack was full. Santa dragged the heavy sack out of the workshop and to his sleigh. But the sleigh, of course, was very old, and some of the wood was rotting. So when Santa put the sack into the sleigh, it went right through the wood.

He hoisted the sack out of the hole, rushed to the barn, and came back with a hammer, nails, a ruler, a saw, and several planks of fresh wood.

It took two hours for Santa to fix the sleigh. By the time he was done, he was three hours overdue.

Finally, the hole in the sleigh had been patched. Santa went back to the barn to put away the hammer, the ruler, and the saw, and also to fetch his eight tiny reindeer. But when he got there, he found that he had left the door open.

โ€œOh no!โ€ he said. โ€œSome of the reindeer may have escaped!โ€

Indeed, when Santa entered the barn, he found that Dasher, Dancer, and Donner had run away. To make matters worse, Comet and Cupid were giving birth to fawns. Only three of the regular reindeer could pull the sleigh that year.

Santa immediately ordered some of his elves to look for the missing reindeer, and others to help Comet and Cupid give birth. Then he hitched Prancer, Vixen, and Blitzen to the sleigh without any problems. Now he needed to find five replacement reindeer. He eventually settled on Basher, Flasher, Smasher, Rudolph (this was before his nose started glowing), and Fred.

But those reindeer had never pulled a sleigh before, and it took two hours for Santa to hitch them. By the time he was done, he was five hours overdue.

Finally, a very stressed Santa Claus sat in his sleigh, ready to begin his flight. Just then, an angel walked by with a Christmas tree she had cut down.

โ€œGood evening, Santa,โ€ said the angel. โ€œWhere do you want me to put this?โ€

And so began the tradition of putting the angel at the top of the tree.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, โ€œI donโ€™t do that sort of thing on my first date!โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ Bill replied with sarcasm, โ€œhow about on your last date?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

โ€œGood night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.โ€

Her dad asked her, โ€œWhy goodbye?โ€

โ€œOh, I dunno, I just felt like it.โ€

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.

โ€œGood night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.

Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.

The very next day, Sallyโ€™s grandma died.

That night, when Sally said โ€œGood night Mom, goodbye Dadโ€, Sallyโ€™s dad began to panic. He knew this couldnโ€™t just be a coincidence.

So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.

Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.

He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.

โ€œOh, it was just awful!โ€ she replied. โ€œThe Milkman died!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband whispers to wife as theyโ€™re going to sleep, โ€œGood night, mother of six.โ€

โ€œGood night, father of one,โ€ she replies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A priest and a nun are having a tennis match.

The priest is very competitive, but canโ€™t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better.

After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€, startling the nun.

She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce backhand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€

โ€œStop it!โ€ yells the nun. โ€œYou canโ€™t use the Lordโ€™s name in vain like that!โ€

The priest apologizes, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.โ€

โ€œFair enough,โ€ grumbles the nun.

The match continues. Itโ€™s going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€

Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the nun into ashes...

A thundering voice emits from the skies, โ€œDamn it! I missed!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.

His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.

โ€œIncredible!,โ€ says his friend.

โ€œMedical science is amazing!โ€

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

โ€œIncredible!,โ€ says his friend.

โ€œMedical science is amazing!โ€

Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.

Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his friend but canโ€™t find him.

He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, โ€œDoc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.โ€

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, โ€œOh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady.

She said to me, โ€œSonny, would you like some nuts? Iโ€™ve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if youโ€™d like.โ€

โ€œSure.โ€, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

โ€œWhat a nice ladyโ€, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.

I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you eat them yourself?โ€

โ€œBecause weโ€™ve got no teeth,โ€ she replied.

โ€œThen why do you buy them?โ€, I asked.

โ€œOh, because we just love the chocolate around them.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.

Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, โ€œWhatโ€™s your secret?โ€ The guy whispers, โ€œAll you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants.โ€

In a flourish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants.

But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror.

Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and desperately asks, โ€œWhy are all the girls running away from me?โ€

The first guy looks up and replies, โ€œThe pickleโ€™s on the wrong side.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit on another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked, โ€œWould you mind if I throw him a bit?โ€

โ€œNot at all,โ€ the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, โ€œI hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.โ€

โ€œOdd,โ€ her companion replies, โ€œbut if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.โ€

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart.

โ€œTwo dogs, please,โ€ she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their โ€œdogsโ€.

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.

Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, โ€œWhat part did you get?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.

He comes upon a question:

What separates the head from the body?

Ahmed answers:

The axe.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, โ€œHow would you like it if you didnโ€™t see me for two or three days?โ€

โ€œThat would be fine with meโ€, he replied.

Monday went by and he didnโ€™t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Love is like farting.

If you have to force it, itโ€™s going to end in a mess.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Love is a lot like peeing your pants.

Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, โ€œDad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.โ€

After dinner, Georgeโ€™s dad took him aside, โ€œSon, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, sheโ€™s a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.โ€

โ€œSusan is actually your half-sister, and Iโ€™m afraid you canโ€™t marry her.โ€

George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, โ€œDiane said yes! Weโ€™re getting married in June.โ€

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news, โ€œDiane is your half-sister too, George. Iโ€™m awfully sorry about this.โ€

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

โ€œDad has done so much harm. I guess Iโ€™m never going to get married,โ€ he complained. โ€œEvery time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.โ€

โ€œHee hee,โ€ his mother chuckled, shaking her head, โ€œDonโ€™t pay any attention to what he says. Heโ€™s not really your father.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One time I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message.

30 seconds later I heard my uncle crying in the next room...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend: โ€œMy girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.โ€

Me: โ€œHey babe, what do you wanna eat?โ€

Her: โ€œNothing.โ€

Me: Flies to Africa.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My kids wonโ€™t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend keeps saying, โ€œEvery time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.โ€

I said, โ€œTry ordering Tacos instead.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re riding a horse full speed, thereโ€™s a giraffe beside you, and youโ€™re being chased by a lion. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A first-grade teacher canโ€™t believe her student isnโ€™t hepped up about the Super Bowl.

โ€œItโ€™s a huge event. Why arenโ€™t you excited?โ€

โ€œBecause Iโ€™m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,โ€ says the student.

โ€œWell, thatโ€™s a lousy reason,โ€ says the teacher. โ€œWhat if your parents were morons? What would you be then?โ€

โ€œThen Iโ€™d be a football fan.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why donโ€™t orphans play baseball?

They donโ€™t know where home is.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is Superman stupid?

Because he wears his underwear over his pants.

Why is Batman more stupid?

Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.

Why is Robin even more stupid?

Because he followed what batman did.

Why is Wonder Woman stupid?

Because she wears a belt on her head.

Why is Spider-Man the most stupid superhero of them all?

Because he wears his underwear over his head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A pharmacist returns to his shop from lunch to find a man leaning against the wall.

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with him?โ€ He asks his assistant.

โ€œHe came in for some cough syrup,โ€ explains the assistant. โ€œBut I couldnโ€™t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.โ€

โ€œWhat!โ€ The pharmacist says, horrified. โ€œYou canโ€™t treat a cough with laxatives!โ€

โ€œOf course you can,โ€ the assistant declares. โ€œLook at him โ€“ heโ€™s far too scared to cough.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, โ€œCrushed nuts?โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ he replied, โ€œarthritis.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?

8 pirates.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?

Right where ye left him!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do a man whoโ€™s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œWhere did you get this mushroom recipe?โ€ The husband asks his wife.

โ€œIn a detective novel,โ€ she answers.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is blue and lies under a mushroom?

Smurf poop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

โ€œHow wonderful! I hope you donโ€™t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?โ€

โ€œHe ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ€

โ€œOh, how tragic! What about your second husband?โ€

โ€œHe also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ€

โ€œOh, how terrible! Iโ€™m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.โ€

โ€œHe died of a broken neck.โ€

โ€œA broken neck?โ€

โ€œHe wouldnโ€™t eat the mushrooms.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two menโ€”one a brunette and the other a blondeโ€”were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.

The brunette guy says, โ€œWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.โ€

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks โ€“ with no luck.

He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.

The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, โ€œYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Broccoli: โ€œHey, I look like a tree.โ€

Mushroom: โ€œWow, I look just like an umbrella.โ€

Walnut: โ€œI look exactly like a brain.โ€

Banana: โ€œMan, can we change the topic please?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?

When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norrisโ€™ first job was as a paperboy.

There were no survivors.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.

Without any preliminaries, she said she wanted a divorce.

โ€œOn what grounds?โ€ asked the lawyer.

โ€œI donโ€™t think he is faithful to me,โ€ she replied.

โ€œAnd what makes you think he isnโ€™t faithful?โ€ asked the lawyer.

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the young lady, โ€œI donโ€™t think he is the father of my child.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


This guy was sitting in his attorneyโ€™s office.

His lawyer says, โ€œDo you want the bad news first or the terrible news?โ€

โ€œGive me the bad news first,โ€ he says.

โ€œYour wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,โ€ his lawyer informs him.

โ€œThatโ€™s the bad news?โ€ asks the man incredulously. โ€œI canโ€™t wait to hear the terrible news.โ€

โ€œThe terrible news is that itโ€™s of you and your secretary.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman walks into the Social Workerโ€™s office, trailed by 15 kids.

โ€œWOW!โ€ the social worker exclaims, โ€œAre they ALL yours?โ€

โ€œYeah, theyโ€™re all mine,โ€ the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, โ€œSit down Terry.โ€ All the children rush to find seats.

โ€œWell,โ€ says the social worker, โ€œthen you must be here to sign up. Iโ€™ll need all your childrenโ€™s names.โ€

โ€œThis oneโ€™s my oldest โ€“ he is Terry.โ€

โ€œOK, and whoโ€™s next?โ€

โ€œWell, this one he is Terry, also.โ€

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

โ€œAll right,โ€ says the caseworker, โ€œIโ€™m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?โ€

Their Mother replied, โ€œWell, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell โ€œTerry!โ€, and when itโ€™s time for dinner, I just yell โ€œTerry!โ€, and they all come running.

And if I need to stop the kid whoโ€™s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. Itโ€™s the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.โ€

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, โ€œBut what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?โ€

โ€œI call them by their surnames.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Retail job interview (2012).

โ€œWhere do you see yourself in 10 years?โ€

โ€œYou mean after the global pandemic or before the war?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s true women do make less money than men. But itโ€™s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.

Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.

Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people donโ€™t?

Depreciation.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

They celebrate it in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.

The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, โ€œIsnโ€™t it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?โ€

The wife replies saying, โ€œYes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here without clothes,โ€ with a naughty voice.

Both donโ€™t doubt for a moment and they take off their clothes. They sit back down at the table giggling.

The wife says, โ€œYou know honey, even my mamillae are just as hot as 50 years ago.โ€

โ€œNo wonder,โ€ the man replies, โ€œone of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.

It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, โ€œExcuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?โ€

The Harvard student replies, โ€œAt Harvard, you donโ€™t end a sentence with a preposition.โ€

The kid said, โ€œSorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.

She used to say โ€œYou shall not pass!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, โ€œNow Iโ€™ll show you this frog in my pocket.โ€

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.

He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, โ€œThatโ€™s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his backyard.

The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.

โ€œHello Johnny, what are you up to?โ€ he asked.

โ€œMy goldfish died and Iโ€™m gonna bury him,โ€ Johnny replied.

โ€œThatโ€™s a really big hole for a goldfish, isnโ€™t it?โ€ asked the neighbor.

โ€œThatโ€™s because heโ€™s inside your cat!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

โ€œIf I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?โ€, he asked her.

The secretary replied, โ€œEverything but my earrings.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Math teacher: โ€œIf I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?โ€

Student: โ€œA drinking problem.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so ugly her hairline is receding just to get away from her face.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he canโ€™t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When heโ€™s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave heโ€™d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, โ€œJust bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A balding man was getting a haircut.

The manโ€™s barber said, โ€œDo you know what they say if youโ€™re bald in the front?โ€

Man: โ€œNo.โ€

Barber: โ€œThey say youโ€™re a thinker.โ€

Man: โ€œOh?!โ€

Barber: โ€œDo you know what they say if youโ€™re bald in the back?โ€

Man: โ€œNo.โ€

Barber: โ€œThey say youโ€™re a lover.โ€

The man perked up.

Man: โ€œWhat do they say if youโ€™re bald in the front and the back?โ€

Barber: โ€œThat you only think youโ€™re a lover.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde enters a library.

She goes to the counter and says, โ€œIโ€™ll like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.โ€

The librarian says, โ€œMaโ€™am this is a library.โ€

So the blonde leans in and whispers, โ€œIโ€™d like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who falls overboard and canโ€™t swim?

Bob.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?

Lilly.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?

Frank.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?

Claude.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?

Phil.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?

Eve.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?

Lou.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?

Neal.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?

Chuck.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?

Rob.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess why football stadiums are so cool?

Most seats have a fan on them!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.

So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?

She couldnโ€™t do either.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?

None โ€“ they gave up.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wife: โ€œI look fat. Can you give me a compliment?โ€

Husband: โ€œYou have perfect eyesight.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.

Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A couple goes to the cinema.

โ€œTwo tickets, please,โ€ says the man.

โ€œHobbit?โ€ asks the cashier lady.

โ€œNo, thatโ€™s my wife.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.

After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.

Minutes later, the rooster walks in.

He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend was ill and had a runny nose she couldnโ€™t fix.

I suggested, โ€œBreak its legs.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The only clan thing you find in a well cleaned big nose is fingerprints.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was the man with the big nose sad?

He could really smell his feet!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the worst thing about having a big nose?

Birds are always perching on it!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your nose is so big that when you lie on your back in the pool, people think itโ€™s a shark!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s worse than having a big nose?

Having a big nose and tiny hands!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning in the ocean?

He was just too far out, man.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid when she threw a grenade at me, I pulled the pin and threw it back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so stupid she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so stupid she cut holes in her umbrella to see if it was raining.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so stupid she yelled into an envelope because she wanted to send a voicemail.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so stupid I told her Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so small she has to wear a torn napkin as a dress.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she has to hold a sign up that says โ€œDonโ€™t spit, I canโ€™t swimโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so old she rode dinosaurs to school.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, โ€œDo you mind if I put some music on?โ€

I said, โ€œNot at all.โ€

He said, โ€œโ€˜Kiss?โ€™โ€

I said, โ€œLetโ€™s listen to the music first and see how we feelโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My neighbors listen to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?

Make them stub their toe.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œI eat mop.โ€

โ€œI eat mop, who?โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s revolting!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Last Halloween there was a knock on the door.

I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, โ€œHoney thereโ€™s a witch at the door. What shall I do?โ€

She shouted back, โ€œJust give her some candy and tell her to get lost.โ€

My mother-in-law hasnโ€™t spoken to me since.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Iโ€™m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

No, they eat the fingers separately.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris once ate a Rubikโ€™s Cube and pooped it out solved.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There is no chin behind Chuck Norrisโ€™ beard. There is only another fist.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

โ€œExcuse me for disturbing you, maโ€™am,โ€ he said politely, โ€œbut I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and Iโ€™ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s right.โ€

โ€œEvery day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.โ€

โ€œWell, today is his birthday.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If Martians live on Mars and Venusians live on Venus, who lives on Pluto?

Fleas.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One alien says to another, โ€œThe dominant life forms on the planet earth appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.โ€

The second alien replies, โ€œAre they an emerging intelligence?โ€

The first alien says, โ€œI donโ€™t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do aliens not eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, youโ€™ll be a mile away and youโ€™ll have their shoes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short people thought she was a Funko Pop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun sweat.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so hot when she got into the Arctic Ocean it turned into a hot tub.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so hot when she visits Antarctica locals call it summertime.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so hot rangers banned her from National Parks for starting forest fires.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so hot her hugs give third-degree burns.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so hot scientists deemed her the leading cause of global warming.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so dumb she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing away all the W's.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so dumb she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so dumb she sits on the TV and watches the couch!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so dumb she watches โ€œThe Three Stoogesโ€ and takes notes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so dumb she bought a solar-powered flashlight.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so old she farts dust!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so old when she was young, rainbows were black and white!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so old her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so ugly when she walks into a bank they turn off the cameras.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest they said "Sorry, no professionals".

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so fat she sat on a dollar and when she got up there were 4 quarters.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says โ€œto be continuedโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so fat she gets group insurance!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so fat a picture of her would fall off the wall!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo Mama's appetite is so huge she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo Mama's so disgusting she keeps maggots as pets.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma's arm-pits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama's got a leather wig with suede sideburns.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.

The owner said, โ€œHeck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!โ€

She said, โ€œI can teach it good manners.โ€

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, โ€œDid you learn your lesson?โ€

It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.

She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.

The parrot said โ€œBrr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three guys are in the woods: a really smart guy, an average and a really dumb guy.

They are bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting.

A little while later he comes back with a deer.

The average guy asks, โ€œHow did you do that?โ€

The really smart guy says, โ€œI see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer and I shoot deer.โ€

The average guy says, โ€œI think I understand,โ€ and leaves.

A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon.

He really dumb goes gasp, โ€œHow did you do that!?โ€

And the average looks at him funny and says, โ€œWell I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon and I shoot raccoon.

The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, โ€œOooohh ok, I think I can do thatโ€ฆ,โ€ and leaves.

Hours pass and the guy finally returns hurt, bloody and horribly mingled. They run to help him.

Finally one of the guys asked him what happened.

This is what he said, โ€œI see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train and I shoot train, but train keeps coming.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œNow class, if you are dumb, please stand up.โ€

No one stands up.

Teacher: โ€œOh cโ€™mon. I know someone over here is dumb.โ€ Waves her finger around the left side of the room.

Little Johnny stands up.

Teacher: โ€œOh, Johnny, you think youโ€™re dumb?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œNo, I just feel bad youโ€™re standing alone.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You so dumb you have to stop during track workouts to ask for directions.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You so dumb you once tried to exchange a bib number because you thought the whole thing was printed upside down.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Man: โ€œGod, why did you make woman so beautiful?โ€

God: โ€œSo you would love her?โ€

Man: โ€œBut God, why did you make her so dumb?โ€

God: โ€œSo she would love you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When Chuck Norris was a baby, he farted for the first time, that is when the big bang first happened.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When the Tooth fairy comes to your house, she takes your tooth and gives you money.

When Chuck Norris comes to your house, he breaks your tooth and takes your money.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.

Itโ€™s now called Red Bull.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesnโ€™t hire stupid people.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.

I picked a guyโ€™s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My father was stupid.

He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great-uncle fought for the west!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, โ€œI brought some water so we donโ€™t get dehydrated.โ€

The redhead says, โ€œI brought some suntan lotion so we donโ€™t get sunburned.โ€

Then the blonde says, โ€œI brought a car door.โ€

The other girls ask, โ€œWhy did you bring that?โ€

The blonde says, โ€œSo I can roll down the window if it gets hot.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunnyโ€™s lap.

When it was his turn, Jake didnโ€™t move, he just stared.

โ€œDonโ€™t you want to sit on the bunnyโ€™s lap?โ€, I asked.

โ€œNo!โ€, he shouted. โ€œThereโ€™s a man in his mouth!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At the family reunion.

Boy: โ€œIโ€™m here to talk about our family, but Mom always taught me that if I donโ€™t have anything nice to say, I shouldnโ€™t say anything at all. Good Day.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Good moms let you lick the beaters.

Great moms turn them off first.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is a Jewsโ€™ biggest dilemma?

Free Pork.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

Somebody dropped a shekel!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are synagogues round?

So the Jews canโ€™t hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says โ€œConvert to Christianity and weโ€™ll give you $100.โ€

The one says to the other, โ€œShould we do it?โ€

The other says โ€œNo! Are you crazy?โ€

The first guy replies โ€œHey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... Iโ€™m gonna do it.โ€

So he walks into the church, and a little while later, he walks back out.

The friend says โ€œWell, did you get the money?โ€

He replies โ€œOh thatโ€™s all you people think about, isnโ€™t it?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?

Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?

The players donโ€™t yell โ€œFore!โ€ they yell โ€œ$3.99!โ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s a Jews favorite band?

Nickelback.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?

When it graduates from medical school.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Jewish boy asks his father for twenty dollars.

His father replied, โ€œTen dollars, what in the world do you need five dollars for, Iโ€™d be happy to give you a dollar, hereโ€™s a quarter.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do Jews have big noses?

Because the air is free.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?

He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, โ€œHey kids, do you want to buy some toys?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How does every racist joke start?

By looking over your shoulder!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St Johnโ€™s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.

He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, โ€œIf I had all the beer in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€ ย 

With even greater emphasis he added, โ€œAnd if I had all the wine in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€

Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, โ€œAnd if I had all the whiskey in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€

The Reverend Morgan then sat down.

Jerry, St Johnโ€™s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, โ€œFor our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.

While in the church, the girl asked her mother, โ€œWhy is the bride dressed in white?โ€

The mother replied to the girl, โ€œBecause white is the color of happiness and itโ€™s the happiest day of her life today.โ€

After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, โ€œBut, then why is the groom wearing black?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldnโ€™t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate.

Reading his momโ€™s thoughts, his son volunteered, โ€œI know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.โ€

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, โ€œEver since your mother came to dinner, Iโ€™ve been unable to find the silver plate. You donโ€™t suppose your mother took it, do you?โ€

He said, โ€œWell I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure!โ€

He sat down and wrote:

Dear mom,

After you visited me, the silver plate has been missing. Iโ€™m not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and Iโ€™m not saying that you donโ€™t take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love

Your son

Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:

Dear Son,

Iโ€™m not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and Iโ€™m not saying that you donโ€™t sleep with her, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love

Mom

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, โ€œWhat are you doing? Sneakers wonโ€™t help you outrun that bear.โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t need to outrun the bear,โ€ the first guy says. โ€œI just need to outrun you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, โ€œThis is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.โ€

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, โ€œWhich do you want, son?โ€

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

โ€œWhat did I tell you?โ€, said the barber. โ€œThat kid never learns!โ€

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

โ€œHey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?โ€

The boy licked his cone and replied, โ€œBecause the day I take the dollar, the game is over!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A priest had 3 people at confession.

He went to Guy 1 and asked, โ€œWhat sin did you commit?โ€

Guy 1 responded, โ€œI murdered someone.โ€

The priest responded, โ€œDrink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.โ€

He did so and stood back.

The priest asked Guy 2 and asked, โ€œWhat sin did you commit?โ€

Guy 2 responded, โ€œI cheated on my wife.โ€

The priest responded, โ€œDrink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.โ€

He did so and stood back as well.

Then it was the 3rd personโ€™s turn.

The priest asked him, โ€œSo, what sin did you commit?โ€

Nervously, Guy 3 responded, โ€œUmโ€ฆwell, you see, Fatherโ€ฆI peed in the holy water.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...

I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. Itโ€™s been 4 days, Iโ€™m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, โ€œWhatโ€™s the word on the street?โ€

โ€œOnce my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two dragons walk into a bar.

The first one says, โ€œIt sure is hot in here.โ€

His friend snaps back, โ€œShut your mouth!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, โ€œHey, this is a singles bar.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A skunk fell into the river and stank to the bottom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

Thereโ€™s no menuโ€”you get what you deserve.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You canโ€™t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youโ€™re signing someoneโ€™s cast.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are hockey players like goldfish?

You could tap on the glass and youโ€™d get their attention.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.

He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.

He responds, โ€œNo, the seatโ€™s empty.โ€

The first man exclaims, โ€œWhat?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?โ€

The neighbor responds, โ€œWell the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we havenโ€™t been together.โ€

The first man responds,โ€ Iโ€™m sorry to hear that. Wasnโ€™t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that couldโ€™ve taken that seat?โ€

The neighbor responds, โ€œNo, theyโ€™re all at the funeral.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.

โ€œJust jump out the window,โ€ a man yells. โ€œIโ€™m a baseball player. I can catch you.โ€

โ€œWait,โ€ she says. โ€œWhat team do you play for?โ€

โ€œThe Cincinnati Reds,โ€ shouts the man.

โ€œEhhhh,โ€ shrugs the woman. โ€œIโ€™ll take my chances with the fire.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you have against some people?

Wellโ€ฆ for example, knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenadesโ€ฆ

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Do not be racist, be like Mario.

Heโ€™s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that theyโ€™ll play a game with the kids. Theyโ€™ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.

At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.

โ€œWell,โ€ he says, โ€œitโ€™s what mommy calls me sometimesโ€.

The little girl screams, โ€œDonโ€™t eat it! Itโ€™s an asshole!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?

To get another rib.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At school, Little Johnnyโ€™s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so itโ€™s very easy to blackmail them by saying โ€œI know the whole truthโ€.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnnyโ€™s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, โ€œJust donโ€™t tell your father.โ€

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, โ€œPlease donโ€™t say a word to your mother.โ€

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, โ€œThen come give your Daddy a great big hug!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Doctor: โ€œIโ€™ve got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live.โ€

Patient: โ€œWhat could be worse news than that?โ€

Doctor: โ€œIโ€™ve been trying to contact you for the last 6 days.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband: โ€œI had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end.โ€

Friend: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s really impressive! What did she say?!โ€

Husband: โ€œCome out from under that sofa, you coward!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.

Woman: โ€œI need to buy some arsenic.โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWhy do you need arsenic?โ€

Woman: โ€œI need arsenic because I want to give it to my husband.โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWHAT?โ€

Woman: โ€œYou heard me! I want to give it to my husband!โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWhy on earth would you want to do that?โ€

Woman: โ€œBecause heโ€™s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWell why didnโ€™t you tell me you had a prescription?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A child asked his father, โ€œHow were people born?โ€

So his father said, โ€œAdam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.โ€

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, โ€œWe were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.โ€

The child ran back to his father and said, โ€œYou lied to me!โ€

His father replied, โ€œNo, your mom was talking about her side of the family.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before Marriage.

Boy: โ€œAh at last. I can hardly wait.โ€

Girl: โ€œDo you want me to leave?โ€

Boy: โ€œNo, don't even think about it.โ€

Girl: โ€œDo you love me?โ€

Boy: โ€œOf Course. Always have and always will.โ€

Girl: โ€œHave you ever cheated on me?โ€

Boy: โ€œNever. Why are you even asking?โ€

Girl: โ€œWill you kiss me?โ€

Boy: โ€œHell no. Are you crazy?โ€

Girl: โ€œCan I trust you?โ€

Boy: โ€œYes.โ€

Girl: โ€œDarling!โ€

After Marriageโ€ฆ (Read from bottom to top)

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Earth is the third planet from the sun.

By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œI wanna be the sun of your life!โ€

โ€œThen stay at 1 000 000 km of me!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?

Turn into bacon.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After the Americans went to the Moon, Murphy and Declan announced that the Kerry Men would go one better and send a man to the Sun.

Murphy objected, โ€œIf you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!โ€

โ€œWhat do you think we are, stupid?โ€ Declan replied, โ€œWeโ€™ll send our

man at night!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œEurope.โ€

โ€œEurope, who?โ€

โ€œNo, YOUโ€™RE a poo!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.

Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons.

If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.

She asks him: โ€œLittle Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?โ€

He: โ€œLike the moon.โ€

The teacher: โ€œThatโ€™s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peacefulโ€.

Little Johnny: โ€œNo, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?

He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your momma so short she takes a shower in a raindrop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so short she canโ€™t say a thing without a microphone!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so short when she plays Fortnite she can hide under the freaking store.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she has to slam dunk her bus fare.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so hot doctors say her blood type is lava.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so hot when Electra and Haspiel saw her, they burned to death.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama is so hot I gotta wear oven mitts to touch her.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so hot she makes jalapeรฑos cry.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so hot she makes the sun look like Antarctica.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so dumb she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama is so dumb and hungry the only letters in the alphabet she knows are K.F.C.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama is so dumb when dad said itโ€™s chilly outside she brought a spoon and a bowl.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo momma so dumb when yโ€™all were driving to Disneyland she saw a sign that said โ€œDisneyland leftโ€ so she went home.

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Yo momma is so dumb she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!

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Yo mama so old she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.

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Yo momma is so old I slapped her in the back and her boobs fell off.

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Yo momma so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

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Yo Mama is so old Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.

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Yo mama so old she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.

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Yo mama is so ugly that most Snapchat filters make her better looking.

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Yo mama so ugly she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.

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Your mama is so ugly she made One Direction go in another direction.

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Your momma so ugly when she looks in the mirror the reflection ducks!

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Yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry.

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Yo momma is so stupid when I said โ€œDrinks are on the houseโ€ she got a ladder.

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Yo mamaโ€™s so stupid she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said โ€œconcentrateโ€.

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Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldnโ€™t find the โ€œCALLโ€ button.

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Yo Mamaโ€™s so stupid she thinks Los Angeles is where God lives with all his angels.

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Yo mama so stupid I said โ€œKool-Aidโ€ and she jumped through the wall.

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Yo mamaโ€™s so fat when she fell I didnโ€™t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

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Yo mama is so fat that the National Weather Service names each of her farts.

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Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, โ€œI need your weight, not your phone number.โ€

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Yo momma so fat she canโ€™t reach her back pocket.

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Yo mama so fat when she died she broke the stairway to heaven.

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Yo mama so scary you thought the monsters in your closet were friends.

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Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.

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Yo mamaโ€™s so fat I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.

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Yo mamaโ€™s appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.

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Yo mama so stupid she tried to save a fish from drowning.

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Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkeyโ€”heโ€™s always stuffed.

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Why didnโ€™t the chicken cross the road?

Because there was a KFC on the other side.

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Why are cats better than babies?

Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.

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Why donโ€™t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they canโ€™t find the number eleven on their phone.

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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

You tell her a joke on Wednesday.

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A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

After walking along for a while they eventually found a lamp and rubbed it.

A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home.

Poof! She was transported back home.

The brunette wished to be back at home with her family.

Poof! She was magically transported back home.

The blonde then says, โ€œAww, I wish my friends were here.โ€

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Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

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Student: โ€œ503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?โ€

Teacher: โ€œ502.โ€

Student: โ€œHow do you put an elephant in a fridge?โ€

Teacher: โ€œNo you canโ€™t fit an elephant in a fridge!โ€

Student: โ€œJust open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œHow do you put a giraffe in the fridge?โ€

Teacher: โ€œOpen the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œNo! Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.โ€

Student: โ€œThe Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?โ€

Teacher: โ€œThe lion?โ€

Student: โ€œNo! The giraffe because heโ€™s in a fridge.โ€

Student: โ€œSally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?โ€

Teacher: โ€œSally stepped on the alligator's mouth?โ€

Student: โ€œThe gators are at the party.โ€

Student: โ€œBut Sally dies anyway. Why?โ€

Teacher: โ€œShe drowned?!โ€

Student: โ€œNo! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.โ€

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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake!

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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

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