Jokes About English



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English Jokes


An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.

The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, “Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene, we must cut it off.”

The English prisoner said, “Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.”

The German replied, “Yeah, that will not be a problem.”

A few weeks later, the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.

The Englishman says, “Well, could drop it over England like you did last time.”

“Yeah, that will be done,” says the German.

The next day, the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.

Once again, the Brit says, “Well, could you do the same as before?”

The German replies, “Yeah.”

The next day, the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.

“Well,” begins the Brit, “could you just...”

The German snapped, “No! We think you are trying to escape!”

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“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.

“Why not, son?”

“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”

“But why don’t you want to go today?”

“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”

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To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

“Hello.”

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A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted.

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What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff.

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What is the longest word in the English language?

“Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

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Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.

While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, “Mira el mosca.”

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, “No, senor, “la mosca”, es feminina.”

Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, “Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.”

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