Jokes About English

Enjoy our team's carefully selected English Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

English Jokes

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence.

He pulls him out and says, β€œSorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”

The Mexican man pleads with them, β€œNo, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, β€œI’m going to make it hard for him.”

He says, β€œOk, I’ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence. The three words are β€˜green’, β€˜pink’, and β€˜yellow’.”

The Mexican man thinks, then says, β€œHmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez β€œyellow?”.”

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Chuck Norris once taught a French Bulldog to be English.

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Chuck Norris speaks English, French, Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese.

At the same time in every sentence.

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My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says β€œOh, do it yourself!”.

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Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question:

β€œGuess who I ran into?”

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I used to own a raven. It could speak English.

But the only word it could speak was β€œcar”.

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A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, β€œIn English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, β€œYeah, right.”

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Why are hemorrhoids called β€œhemorrhoids” instead of β€œassteroids”?

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Whose cruel idea was it for the word β€˜lisp’ to have β€˜s’ in it?

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If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

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How is it possible to have a civil war?

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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, β€œWhere’s the self-help section?”

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

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Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

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A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn’t very good, they got along very well.

One day, he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions.

Lawyer: β€œHave you any grounds?”

Polish man: β€œYes, an acre and half and a nice little home.”

Lawyer: β€œNo, I mean, what is the foundation of this case?”

Polish man: β€œIt’s made of concrete.”

Lawyer: β€œI don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”

Polish man: β€œNo, we have a carport, and not need one.”

Lawyer: β€œI mean, what are your relations like?”

Polish man: β€œAll my relations are still in Poland.”

Lawyer: β€œIs there any infidelity in your marriage?”

Polish man: β€œWe have a hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.”

Lawyer: β€œDoes your wife beat you up?”

Polish man: β€œNo, I always get up before her.”

Lawyer: β€œWhy do you want this divorce?”

Polish man: β€œShe’s going to kill me.”

Lawyer: β€œWhat makes you think that?” Polish man: β€œI’ve got proof.”

Lawyer: β€œWhat kind of proof?”

Polish man: β€œShe’s going to poison me. She bought a bottle at the drugstore and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read English pretty well, and it says: POLISH REMOVER.”

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A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.

He went to a shop and found a nice-looking VR set.

Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, β€œWhat happens if this doesn’t work?”

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, β€˜GUARANTEE NO SPOILED’.

Feeling assured, he paid for the VR set and returns to his hotel.

He tried to use the VR set after returning to the hotel, but it wouldn’t even switch on.

He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.

When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, β€œBrother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.”

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A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.

The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub β€œThe George and Dragon” which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.

Entering the barroom, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather-padded booths, and a mahogany bar with brass rails, polished to a shine, they went up to the bar and asked for a room.

β€œRooms cost Β£20 per night, we don’t accept euros, and you must be out by 7am tomorrow, or else you pay for both days.”

β€œAlright then, could I get something to eat, ma?”

β€œThe kitchen closed at 6, and I am not going back there until 11am tomorrow, no matter what you say. Anything else?”

β€œYes, could I please talk to George?”

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Why did the pun fail his English class?

He didn’t use proper pun-ctuation.

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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as β€œEuro-English”.

In the first year, β€œs” will replace the soft β€œc”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard β€œc” will be dropped in favour of β€œk”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome β€œph” will be replaced with β€œf”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent β€œe” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing β€œth” with β€œz” and β€œw” with β€œv”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary β€œo” kan be dropd from vords kontaining β€œou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Europ vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.

Upon reaching it, one of the first things he did was go into a department store.

He found his way to the menswear department, where a young lady offered to help him.

β€œQuiero calcetines (I want socks),” said the man.

β€œI don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.

β€œNo, no quiero trajes, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want suits, I want socks),” said the man.

β€œWell, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.

β€œNo, no quiero camisas, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want shirts, I want socks),” repeated the man.

β€œI still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.

β€œNo, no quiero pantalones, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want pants, I want socks),” insisted the man.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair.

Holding them up, he proclaimed, β€œEso sΓ­ que es (Now that’s it)!”

β€œThen why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!” yelled the salesgirl.

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How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?

An itsy bitsy book.

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What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?

Norman Rock Wells.

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Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?

He didn’t speak English.

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What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?

β€œTo be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”

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What language do things that fly in the sky speak?

Plane English.

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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently, you’re not allowed to end a sentence with a preposition.

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Donald MacDonald, from the Scottish Highlands, went to study Law at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his old mother came to visit him.

β€œAnd how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.

β€œMother,” he replied, β€œthey’re such terrible, noisy people... The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”

β€œOh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful, noisy English neighbors?” she asked her son.

Donald replied enthusiastically, β€œMother, I do nothing. I simply ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

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Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?

First he’ll bellowulf at you, then he’ll shakespeare.

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English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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What does vikings call English villages?

Chopping centers.

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What do you call an important English snake?

Sir Pent.

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I went to an English camping party with some vegetables.

We stayed in a tea-pea.

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What instrument do English people play?

The Anglo-Saxophone.

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An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.

The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, β€œEnglander, your arm is infected with gangrene, we must cut it off.”

The English prisoner said, β€œWell, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.”

The German replied, β€œYeah, that will not be a problem.”

A few weeks later, the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.

The Englishman says, β€œWell, could drop it over England like you did last time.”

β€œYeah, that will be done,” says the German.

The next day, the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.

Once again, the Brit says, β€œWell, could you do the same as before?”

The German replies, β€œYeah.”

The next day, the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.

β€œWell,” begins the Brit, β€œcould you just...”

The German snapped, β€œNo! We think you are trying to escape!”

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A student holds a gun to his English teacher, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!”

English teacher: β€œYou mean history.”

Student: β€œDon’t change the subject!”

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β€œDad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.

β€œWhy not, son?”

β€œWell, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”

β€œBut why don’t you want to go today?”

β€œBecause our English teacher died yesterday!”

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To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.


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A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted.

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What do you call London without electricity?


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What is the longest word in the English language?

β€œSmiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

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Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.

While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.

Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path.

The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, β€œMira el mosca.”

The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, β€œNo, senor, β€œla mosca”, es feminina.”

Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, β€œGood heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight.”

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