Jokes: Blonde Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Blonde Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Blonde enters the pharmacy.

“Do you have pregnancy test?”

“Yes, we do.”

“Are questions hard?”

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One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road.

He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.

“What are those big bulges in your running shorts?” she asked.

“Tennis balls,” answered the man, smiling back.

“Wow,” said the blonde, looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable.”

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I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickle.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her.

She replied, “This jar of pickle says to store it in a cool, dark location.”

I said, “Okay, how about in the fridge?”

She said “No, silly, there’s a little light inside.”

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How did the blonde die at the baseball game?

She drowned during the wave.

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Two men — one a brunette and the other a blonde — were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.

The brunette guy says, “What works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato and put it in your swim trunk.”

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks – with no luck.

He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.

The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, “You stupid! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!”

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Three women escape from prison — a blonde and two brunettes — and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farm house.

Inside the house there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.

One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, “There’s just three burlap sacks in here!”

To which his partner replies, “Then kick them just to be sure it’s not them hiding”.

The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, “MEEEYYOWW!”

The officer says, “Oh, its just a stupid cat in there.”

So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, “RUUFFF RUFFF!”

The officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid dog!”

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, “POTATOES!”

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Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.

Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”

“Why not?”

“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

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Why don’t blondes eat bananas?

They can’t find the zipper.

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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, “GIVE US YER LOOT!”

They were both blonds.

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde worked as office assistants for Mrs. Jessell.

They realized that Mrs. Jessell was leaving work early every day, so one day they decided that when she left early, they’d sneak out a few minutes later.

Minutes after Mrs. Jessell left, they all did the same.

The brunette took a nap.

The redhead got ready for a date.

The blonde went over to her boyfriends house. When she walked in, she saw Mrs. Jessell and her boyfriend smooching on the couch. She backed out the door without them noticing her, feeling very shaky.

The next afternoon, after Mrs. Jessell left work early, the brunette and redhead said they were going to go home as well. But the still shaky blond decided to stay behind.

“Why?” they asked her.

“Because,” she replied, “yesterday I almost got caught!”

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Brunette Mary and blonde Liz were talking in the office one day.

Mary: “Wow, that is some cold you have, Liz.”

Liz: “Tell me about it. I just cannot get rid of it.”

Mary: “Try some Cold-Doc 3. I have a bottle in my desk. Just take 3 tablespoons before you go to bed and you’ll be fine. Here ya go.”

Liz: “Thanks, I’ll give it a try.”

Next Day Liz was standing by her desk jumping up and down, waving her arms in the air and kicking her legs out.

Mary: “Liz, It is nice to see you are feeling better. Is that a new dance?”

Liz: “Oh No, I still don’t feel that great. I took the medicine you gave me and just realized it said to shake well before using.”

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A blonde buys two horses and she can’t tell them apart.

So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off.

So she does. But then the other horse’s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.

So she can’t tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears.

So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused.

She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, “The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!”

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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.

The voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.

Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, “Is that you, Lord?”

The voice answered, “NO, IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!”

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A blonde enters a library.

She goes to the counter and says, “I’ll like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.”

The librarian says, “Ma’am this is library.”

So the blonde leans in and whispers, “I’d like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.”

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A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, “I brought some water so we don’t get dehydrated.”

The redhead says, “I brought some suntan lotion so we don’t get sunburned.”

Then the blonde says, “I brought a car door.”

The other girls ask, “Why did you bring that?”

The blonde says, “So I can roll down the window if it gets hot.”

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One Sunny afternoon, two blondes walk down the street.

One of them suddenly points at the sun and says: “Look! That’s the moon over there!”

The other one says: “No, that’s the sun!”

The first one: “No, it’s the moon!”

The other one, again: “No, it’s the sun!”

After arguing for a while, the “smart” one says: “Let’s go to that house over there and ask, what’s right!”

They go to the house and ring the doorbell. Another blonde opens the door.

The “smart” one asks: “Excuse us, can you tell us, whether it’s the sun or the moon in the sky?”

The blonde looks and says: “I wouldn’t know! I’ve only been living here for two weeks!”

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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable”.

Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”

The redhead replies, “She's a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull’.”

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Why don’t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they can’t find number eleven on their phone.

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How do you drown a blonde?

Remind her that life is inane, repetitive, and intrinsically meaningless.

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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

You tell her a joke on Wednesday.

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A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

After walking along for a while they eventually found a lamp and rubbed it.

A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home.

Poof! She was transported back home.

The brunette wished to be back at home with her family.

Poof! She was magically transported back home.

The blonde then says, “Aww, I wish my friends were here.”

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Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

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