Enjoy our team's carefully selected Double Meaning Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third.
The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines “Preacher’s Ass shows”.
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won!
The papers said “Preacher’s Ass out in Front”. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The newspaper printed this headline “Bishop Scratches Preacher’s Ass”. This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal.
The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The headlines the next day read “Nun has the Best Ass in Town”. The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.
The paper states “Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks”. They buried the Bishop the next day.
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A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.
“You got to ride him to win,” the trainer says, “because I’ve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.”
“Will there be any room for me?” the jockey asks.
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A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.
“What are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.
“Race it,” replies the jockey, surprised.
“Well, by the look of it,” the man says, “You’ll win!”
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I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did!
Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.
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I keep trying to get into horse racing, but they’re too fast for me.
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I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”
After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
She replied, “Yeah... but I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”
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“Doctor, doctor! I’ve broken my arm in three places!”
Well, stop going to those places then.
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My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn’t buy it and he certainly didn’t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewelers.
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A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.
A woman with a small dog walked up to sit in another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.
The man asked, “Would you mind if I throw him a bit?”
“Not at all,” the woman replied.
The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.
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A man left for work one Friday morning.
Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
“That would be fine with me”, he replied.
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
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Last night I made fish tacos.
They looked at them and just swam away.
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My kids won’t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.
Then I ate their tacos.
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My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
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Today I made a big pot of pasta,
but when I went to dump the pot into the sink, I think I strained something.
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I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.
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I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.
They said, “No, just until the end of June.”
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If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?
Diabetes.
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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach “a worthless idiot” is it?” Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your parents.”
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Everyone during the summer tries to make sure they have an air conditioner.
But no one has any air shampoo.
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I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer please. I just ate.”
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When you walk in to class and your teacher says “Take a seat”.
Response: “Where do you want me to take it to?”
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What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.
Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.
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I complained to my Maths teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.
He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.
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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”, he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
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I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.
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A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.
“Will I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks.
The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”
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“Mum, I just won this phone in a race!”
“Who was in the race?”
“The owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”
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I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...
They’re too fast. I’d never win.
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I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, “What do you do?”
I replied, “I race motorcycles.”
She asked further, “Do you usually win many races?”
I said, “No, the bikes are much faster than I am.”
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I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.
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Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.
It was the guy in the booth behind her.
“Not so loud!” he said.
“What?” she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.
“I said not so loud!” was his muffled reply.
Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.
“How was your day?” questioned the man from behind once again.
“Pretty good,” responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.
“Did you pass the exam?” came the next question from behind.
“I don’t know, I didn’t get my grade yet,” replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty.
“I’ll have to call you back when I’m out of here”, came the voice from behind once again, “some nut job is answering every question I ask you!”
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Diet Day 1:
I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
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To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.
“Hello.”
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A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.
She must be exhausted.
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Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?
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If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They’re normally around 90 degrees.
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On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, “What are your parents’ names?”
The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing and my mother’s name is Smiling.”
The teacher said, “Are you kidding?”
The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.”
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It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.
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A couple goes to the cinema.
“Two tickets, please,” says the man.
“Hobbit?” asks the cashier lady.
“No, that’s my wife.”
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A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, “Do you have frog legs?”
The waiter looks offended, “No, I’ve always walked like that!”
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A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.
After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”
The neighbor looks at him slowly, “Wait, inside?!”
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My neighbors listen to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
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