Best Jokes
English teacher: “Give me the opposite of this sentence: Children in the dark make mistakes.”
Student: “Mistakes in the dark make children.”
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If you want to know why the Brits are so good at cycling, then just take a look at the cost of public transport.
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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?
An Apocaclipse.
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The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.
The good news: For the next 3 months I’m protected against heartworms and fleas.
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What Happens When You Screw Up?
Biologist screws up:
Mutant virus.
Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole.
Geologists screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor.
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A man called the hotel manager.
He said, “Come up quickly, I fought with my wife, and now she wants to throw herself out the window!”
The manager replied, “Sir, this is a personal matter, and we can’t get involved. I can call sec…”
The man interrupted, “No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won’t open!”
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Where do dead bowling pins go?
To the pit of doom!
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Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech.
In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
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What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The bogeyman.
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Why was the man with the big nose sad?
He could really smell his feet!
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Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
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What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turkey.
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What do peanuts wear on their feet?
Cashews.
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Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have pockets.
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My dad called. He said he’s coming back home after all these years.
The Boomer rang.
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I went to watch Spider-Man playing baseball.
He was great at catching flies.
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Did you hear about the woman who tried to bribe the police with pennies?
She was taken in by the coppers.
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When the economy is good, people drink. When the economy is bad, people drink.
The moral?
Invest in alcohol.
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Which element of the periodic table is the poorest?
Antimony.
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If my nose runs, should I catch it?
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