What type of salad did they serve on the Titanic?
Iceberg lettuce.
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They say it’s good luck for a seagull to poo on you.
It is, for the seagull, obviously, not for you.
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The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.
The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.
Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it.
His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.
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How do flat Earthers travel the Earth?
On a plane.
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I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”
He said, “Try the ATM outside.”
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Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.
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A mechanical engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire.
The purchasing agent says, “We need to buy a new tire.”
The mechanical engineer says, “No, I think I can fix this one.”
And the software engineer says, “Let’s drive on it for a while, maybe it’ll fix itself.”
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What is special about unicorns?
Their unique horns.
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Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
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My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.
I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
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What do you call a Puerto Rican construction worker?
A renaissance man.
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What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
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The moon landing is obviously fake.
Like come on, the moon is still up there. It never landed.
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What’s the most common operation in a Lego hospital?
Plastic surgery.
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Two corns in a field were telling each other corny jokes.
They were the laughing stalk of the field.
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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great poet.
When asked to define “great”, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, no, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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I go to the store and buy ten hot dogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas.
If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?
No self-control.
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I don’t want to be Spider-Man, I just want to be your man.
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What’s a poodle’s favorite kind of pizza?
Pupperoni.
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Remember:
It’s impolite to ask people questions about their sinuses because that’s their personal business.
Don’t be nosy.
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