I don’t always look at the heavens.
But when I do, it’s because I’m looking at Uranus.
😄 😄 😄
How many bronze players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows, they can’t climb the ladder.
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Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.
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What kind of shoes do artists wear?
Sketchers.
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She: “I cheated on you.”
He: “Me too.”
She: “April, 1.”
He: “March, 20.”
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Why do llamas have such long necks?
To make sure their heads stay on.
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Which nut has the most calories for the human body?
The Donut.
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I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
😄 😄 😄
Which candy bar is handsome, talented, rich, and lacks for nothing?
A Bounty-ful!
😄 😄 😄
What’s something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?
A family member giving you the bird.
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father—who was a minister—if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, “Son, I’m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”
The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”
His father replied, “Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!”
😄 😄 😄
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”
“Aw, come on, boy,” the farmer insisted.
“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host.
Willis: “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”
Willis: “Under the wagon.”
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Why couldn’t the joker enter the shop?
Because there was a board outside stating “No funny business”.
😄 😄 😄
What would donuts’ favorite drink be?
The hole-y water.
😄 😄 😄
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a boring nerd...
I’d have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
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What does Enya season her roast potatoes with?
Only Thyme.
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A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.
The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub “The George and Dragon” which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.
Entering the barroom, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather-padded booths, and a mahogany bar with brass rails, polished to a shine, they went up to the bar and asked for a room.
“Rooms cost £20 per night, we don’t accept euros, and you must be out by 7am tomorrow, or else you pay for both days.”
“Alright then, could I get something to eat, ma?”
“The kitchen closed at 6, and I am not going back there until 11am tomorrow, no matter what you say. Anything else?”
“Yes, could I please talk to George?”
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You know what they say about Anti Jokes?
She’s married to Uncle Jokes.
😄 😄 😄
I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day.
We just... I don’t know. We just clicked.
😄 😄 😄
Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them.
To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one.
He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.
😄 😄 😄
