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Teacher: โ€œHow far have you gone with your homework Johnny?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œAbout 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is:

โ€œAm I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Client on group chat: โ€œThis is jeans week so feel free to wear jeans tomorrow.โ€

Me: โ€œDang, does that mean I have to wear pants?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman walks into the Social Workerโ€™s office, trailed by 15 kids.

โ€œWOW!โ€ the social worker exclaims, โ€œAre they ALL yours?โ€

โ€œYeah, theyโ€™re all mine,โ€ the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, โ€œSit down Terry.โ€ All the children rush to find seats.

โ€œWell,โ€ says the social worker, โ€œthen you must be here to sign up. Iโ€™ll need all your childrenโ€™s names.โ€

โ€œThis oneโ€™s my oldest โ€“ he is Terry.โ€

โ€œOK, and whoโ€™s next?โ€

โ€œWell, this one he is Terry, also.โ€

The social worker raises an eyebrow, but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

โ€œAll right,โ€ says the caseworker, โ€œIโ€™m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?โ€

Their Mother replied, โ€œWell, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell โ€œTerry!โ€, anโ€™ when itโ€™s time for dinner, I just yell โ€œTerry!โ€, anโ€™ they all come a runnin.

Anโ€™ if I need to stop the kid whoโ€™s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. Itโ€™s the smartest idea I ever had, namingโ€™ them all Terry.โ€

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, โ€œBut what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?โ€

โ€œI call them by their surnames.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.

Now, I didnโ€™t buy it and he certainly didnโ€™t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and went to the jewelers.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a blood-sucking arachnid on the moon?

A lunar tick.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.

Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just canโ€™t read his notes.

So, he says to the audience, โ€œIs there a pharmacist in the house?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?

His father was hard-boiled.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„





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