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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

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It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle.

He just didn’t have the balls to do it.

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I told my friend that I want to live on Uranus.

They said, β€œI guess you’re really into extreme living conditions!”

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Isn’t ending a relationship with Taylor Swift the best way to make it more public?

You get a whole album.

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While I was drunk last night, I was apparently accused of witchcraft.

The next day, I was hung over.

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A mushroom walks up to a tomato and asks him out on a date.

As the evening wears on, the tomato is just sitting there, not saying much and looking miserable.

β€œWhat’s wrong?” the mushroom says. β€œAren’t you enjoying yourself?”

β€œI guess I’m just not a fun-gi,” says the tomato.

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What disease did the YouTuber contract?

Influenza.

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Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes on them?

So that when they come into port, they can Scandinavian.

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Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.

The cashier said, β€œThere’s no way I can take this. It’s fake.”

Johnny said, β€œWell, the car’s not real either.”

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What do you call a female horse that refuses to work while the sun is up?

A Nightmare!

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Two married unicorns are lying in bed.

The husband unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says, β€œBig storm’s a brewin.”

The wife unicorn then replies, β€œWell, then I’m glad we didn’t go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah.”

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When asked to write an essay on what he was thankful for on Thanksgiving, little Johnny wrote:

I am thankful I am not a turkey.

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Henning Brand discovered phosphorous by boiling urine.

That’s why they call it P.

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My grandma was famous for her delicious strawberries.

She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so everyone could visit and enjoy them.

I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

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Yo mama so ugly when she watches TV the channels change themselves.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œBoo.”

β€œBoo, who?”

β€œDon’t cry, it’s only Tuesday!”

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TIL that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden.

Who the hell is going to let me know when it’s raining in Sweden?!

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The nose was very tired because it kept running.

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Yo mama so poor when I stepped on a cigarette to put it out she said β€œHey, who turned off the heat?”

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Yo momma is so smelly even Banthas want to run away from her as fast as possible.

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