These days, shoes are called snickers.
😄 😄 😄
I don’t put ketchup and mustard on my hot dog, I relish it.
😄 😄 😄
What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?
Reapply.
😄 😄 😄
An old lady goes to the doctor, super irritated.
She unloads on the doctor, “Doctor, my friends are all being awful people! They’re all telling me I fart all the time, and it’s just plain rude of them!
“Oh really?” The doctor says.
“YEAH! They’re ALL silent so I have no idea why they’d point them out. On top of all that, for them to tell me my gas is enough to gag a maggot. How could your friends say that!!”
“I see,” the doctor says.
“YEAH!! I’ve even felt a few fly out in the office and you’ve not had a SINGLE problem in this visit.”
“Here, take these pills, they should help you out.” The doctor says.
It’s been a day now, and the doctor’s pensively reviewing some charts, when all of a sudden the old lady busts into practice, shouting at the receptionist for the doctor to see her RIGHT AWAY.
She says, “Doctor, what the hell have you done with these pills?! I’m farting ALL THE TIME now and it smells like a landfill!”
After a deep breath, the doctor says, “Now that your nose is fixed, let’s work on your gas and ears.”
😄 😄 😄
I tried to dye my dog’s hair blue.
But I guess he was blue-ish.
😄 😄 😄
If you don’t like hot dogs, I think you’re the wurst.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Mario prefer to hang out with Toad more than Luigi?
Because he’s a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
I know everything there is to know about sushi.
You could say I’m an a-fish-onado.
😄 😄 😄
As a Canadian, I never realized how slow my internet was until today.
I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!
😄 😄 😄
One of my favorite things I like to do is go home to be ugly in peace.
😄 😄 😄
I think Saturn’s name is the best in our solar system.
It has a nice ring to it.
😄 😄 😄
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.
I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.
😄 😄 😄
A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well and a genie pops out.
The genie tells him, “You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish.”
“I want a dragon.”
“Are you sure? That’s pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?”
“I want to learn how to fold a fitted sheet.”
“What color dragon do you want?”
😄 😄 😄
The shady workers behind the Mexican restaurant...
That’s nacho business.
😄 😄 😄
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
Stock boy: “No, ma’am. They’re dead.”
😄 😄 😄
I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.
She had a nasty habit.
😄 😄 😄
A sailor walks into a thrift store after he lost a limb to a giant octopus.
He said, “I heard this is a second-hand shop, where they at?”
😄 😄 😄
Working from home:
the place where your hours are made up and your pants don’t matter.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Neptune made up of gas?
Because it is next to Uranus.
😄 😄 😄
What do rednecks and aristocrats have in common?
Both groups like marrying their cousins.
😄 😄 😄
