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How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, β€œI hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

β€œPop, what are you talking about?!” the son screams.

β€œWe can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.

β€œWe’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

β€œLike Heck, they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. β€œI’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, β€œYou are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.

β€œThey’re coming for Easter and paying their own way.”

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What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

Every morning you will rise and shine!

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What did the chef say to his staff on Labor Day?

β€œLet’s take a break and cook up some fun!”

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Why is Yoda such a good gardener?

Because he has green fingers.

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Monkey sees an Elephant climbing a banana tree.

Confused, monkey calls out to elephant, β€œHey, elephant, why are you climbing that tree?”

Elephant says, β€œI’m going to eat me a mango!”

Monkey responds, β€œBut that isn’t a mango tree!”

Elephant says, β€œDon’t worry about it, I brought my own.”

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What do you call a Malphite getting a double kill against Azir and Anivia?

Killing two birds with one stone.

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Why did the teacher wear sunglasses on Teachers’ Day?

He wanted to show others how bright his class was.

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In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it.

A student handed in his work with β€œThe Magna Carta was signed in 1215” written 150 times.

The teacher asked the boy, β€œWhy did you write this?”

The boy replied, β€œBecause you always say that history repeats itself!”

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Why should you be quiet inside a pharmacy?

You might wake the sleeping pills.

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You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe, who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say?

β€œPoetry!”

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What kind of tea do Niners Cornerbacks drink?

Penaltea.

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Who would be the best food to hang out with, a strawberry, a banana or a mushroom?

A mushroom of course, because he’s a fun-gi.

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A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.

β€œThere must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. β€œI’m too young to die. I’m only 55.”

β€œFifty-five?” says Saint Peter. β€œNo, according to our calculations, you’re 82.”

β€œHow’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.

Answers St. Peter, β€œWe added up your time sheets.”

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What do you get when you cross a pineapple and a pig?

A porky–pine.

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Chuck Norris won a guitar battle with a violin.

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I just saw this guy going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit’s feet.

I thought he’s pushing his luck!

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Did you hear about the dyslexic who was told he wouldn’t be good at poetry by others?

So far he has made 3 jugs and a vase, which are lovely.

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What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mush-rooms.

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Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!

It’s a brand new day full of possibilities and bacon.

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