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I donโ€™t always look at the heavens.

But when I do, itโ€™s because Iโ€™m looking at Uranus.

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How many bronze players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Who knows, they canโ€™t climb the ladder.

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Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.

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What kind of shoes do artists wear?

Sketchers.

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She: โ€œI cheated on you.โ€

He: โ€œMe too.โ€

She: โ€œApril, 1.โ€

He: โ€œMarch, 20.โ€

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Why do llamas have such long necks?

To make sure their heads stay on.

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Which nut has the most calories for the human body?

The Donut.

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I used to be a boy trapped in a womanโ€™s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

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Which candy bar is handsome, talented, rich, and lacks for nothing?

A Bounty-ful!

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Whatโ€™s something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?

A family member giving you the bird.

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his fatherโ€”who was a ministerโ€”if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, โ€œIโ€™ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ€

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, โ€œSon, Iโ€™m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโ€™ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโ€™t get hair cut!โ€

The young man waited a moment and replied, โ€œYou know Dad, Iโ€™ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ€

His father replied, โ€œYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ€

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A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, โ€œHey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. Iโ€™ll help you get the wagon up later.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s mighty nice of you,โ€ Willis answered, โ€œbut I donโ€™t think Pa would like me to.โ€

โ€œAw, come on, boy,โ€ the farmer insisted.

โ€œWell okay,โ€ the boy finally agreed, and added, โ€œbut Pa wonโ€™t like it.โ€

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host.

Willis: โ€œI feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t be foolish!โ€ the neighbor said with a smile. โ€œBy the way, where is he?โ€

Willis: โ€œUnder the wagon.โ€

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Why couldnโ€™t the joker enter the shop?

Because there was a board outside stating โ€œNo funny businessโ€.

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What would donutsโ€™ favorite drink be?

The hole-y water.

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If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a boring nerd...

Iโ€™d have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

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What does Enya season her roast potatoes with?

Only Thyme.

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A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.

The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub โ€œThe George and Dragonโ€ which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.

Entering the barroom, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather-padded booths, and a mahogany bar with brass rails, polished to a shine, they went up to the bar and asked for a room.

โ€œRooms cost ยฃ20 per night, we donโ€™t accept euros, and you must be out by 7am tomorrow, or else you pay for both days.โ€

โ€œAlright then, could I get something to eat, ma?โ€

โ€œThe kitchen closed at 6, and I am not going back there until 11am tomorrow, no matter what you say. Anything else?โ€

โ€œYes, could I please talk to George?โ€

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You know what they say about Anti Jokes?

Sheโ€™s married to Uncle Jokes.

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I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day.

We just... I donโ€™t know. We just clicked.

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Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, heโ€™s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them.

To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one.

Heโ€™s going to call it YouTwitFace.

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