Best Jokes

Funny Jokes

An Irishman walks into NASA and asks:

β€œCan Ireland my spaceship on the moon?”

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I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.

And this is why we need the Oxford comma.

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I signed up for yoga, and our new instructor is awesome.

She really bends over backwards for us.

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April Fools’ Day.

The day, every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

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Once a boy was killing mosquitoes.

The girl asked him, β€œHow many mosquitoes have you killed?”

He replied, β€œ3 female and 2 male.”

She asked, β€œHow did you know that they were male or female?”

He replied, β€œ3 were sitting in front of the mirror and the 2 were sitting on the treadmill.”

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What did the grape say when the peanut butter tried to stick to it?

β€œStop jammin me!”

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Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?

To reach the high notes.

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Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

Because he was out-standing in his field.

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A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:

1. Heart disease

2. Chuck Norris

3. Cancer

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A brain walks into a bar and says, β€œI’ll have a pint of beer please.”

The barman looks at him and says, β€œI’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”

β€œWhy not?” asks the brain.

β€œYou’re already out of your head.”

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Yo Mamas teeth are so yellow I can’t believe it’s not butter.

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A newborn pony walks into a pharmacy.

He asks the pharmacist, β€œDo you have any Cepacol lozenges? I’m a little hoarse.”

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You know you’re in Texas when you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off!

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A mother, father and daughter onion are out for a walk.

They get to the streetlight at an intersection and as the walk sign lights up, they begin to cross but a careless driver catches the daughter onion and she rolls to the side of the road, horribly injured.

She is rushed to the hospital and after a few hours the doctor comes to the waiting room to speak to the parents, β€œSir, ma’am, I have good news and bad news.”

β€œOkay, give it to us, Doc, we want to know how she’s doing.”

β€œWell,” says the doctor, β€œthe good news is your daughter is going to live.”

The parent onions feel a huge relief, then ask for the bad news.

β€œThe bad news is, she’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of her life.”

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What did Elon Musk get when changing Twitter’s name?

A bunch of X-employees.

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What do you call an amazing day up a mountain?

A peak experience.

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Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly disappointing.

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What do you call a blood-sucking arachnid on the moon?

A lunar tick.

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What do you call an aboriginal hanging in a tree?


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A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

The trainee shouts back, β€œAnd do you know who you are talking to, you fool?!”

β€œNo,” replied the CEO indignantly.

β€œGood!” replied the trainee, and slams down the phone.

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