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My boss told me that work might be a little blue today.

But I didn’t know that meant the copiers were taking the day off.

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As a comedian, I see no point in going on stage.

They’re just going to laugh at me.

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A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she’s got a uniform on, she’s probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, β€œWe love to fly and it shows.”

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, β€œWinning the hearts of the world.”

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, β€œGoing beyond expectations.”

The woman looks at him wearily and says, β€œWhat the heck do you WANT, moron?”

β€œAh!” he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, β€œAmerican Airlines!”

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A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:

Customer: β€œYoooo, I ordered a pizza and came with no toppings on it or anything, it’s just bread!”

Domino’s: β€œWe’re sorry to hear about this.”

Customer (minutes later): β€œNever mind, I opened the pizza upside down...”

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What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?

β€œFor Lease Navidad”

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My best mates and I played a game of hiding and seek.

It went on for hours... Well, good friends are hard to find.

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I tried to dye my hair blue, but it didn’t work out.

I guess you could say it was a dye-lemma.

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A lion would never play golf.

But a Tiger Wood.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œOwl.”

β€œOwl, who?”

β€œOwl be seeing you!”

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β€œHow long has your unit been broken?” says the specialist.

β€œTwo weeks,” says the customer.

β€œWhy did you wait so long?” says the specialist. This hot weather is no joke.”

β€œMy in-laws were here,” said the customer. β€œThey wanted to stay for a month.”

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What happened to the Elf on the Shelf who met a skunk?

He became elfully stinky!

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I entered a Roblox building competition.

But got disqualified because my design was a copy-pastemasterpiece.

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It is hotter than a bake sale on the fourth of July.

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How much room does a fungi need to grow?

As mush-room as possible.

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What do you call tortilla chips with guns?

Loaded Nachos.

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What’s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.

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Man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that he thinks he can see into the future.

The doctor asks, β€œWhen did this start?”

The patient replies, β€œNext Tuesday.”

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What do you call a sneaky blue bean?

A navy bean.

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Did you know that they don’t serve Thanksgiving leftovers at rehab?

People there are trying to quit cold turkey.

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Why did Spider-Man quit his day job?

He was tired of being a web developer.

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