Why do coders get Halloween confused with Christmas?
Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.
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I own a solar powered food maker.
It’s an apple tree.
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My barber wanted me to sign a long-term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused.
I couldn’t accept all those perms and conditions.
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The kid next door challenged me to a water balloon fight.
I’m just going to update my Facebook status while waiting for the kettle to boil.
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Why do people hate to shave off their beards?
They’re naturally attached to it.
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It sits in a corner and still travels around the world, guess who?
A stamp.
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Why did the dolphin go to the dentist?
He had an appointment.
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It’s always coming but never comes, can you guess what it is?
Tomorrow.
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The human brain is amazing.
It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.
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You should get your flu vaccination.
It’s worth a shot.
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What happens when developers ask a silly question?
They get a silly ANSI.
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Her: “When’s your birthday?”
Me: “January first.”
Her: “What year?”
Me: “Every year.”
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A senator is visiting a primary school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” the senator says, “that would be an ACCIDENT.”
A girl raises her hand, “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside… that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains the senator. “That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room is silent—none of the other children dare volunteer.
“What?” asks the Senator, “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, Little Johnny in the back raises his hand.
In a timid voice, he says, “If an airplane carrying a senator was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy.”
“Marvelous!” the senator beams. “And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says Johnny, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be any great loss.”
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Last night I made fish tacos.
They looked at them and just swam away.
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My wife was talking about funeral plans.
My Wife: “I said we’ll give you a military send off like the sailors on a ship.”
Me: “I was in the Air Force.”
My Wife: “OK, we’ll toss you out of an airplane.”
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What are the official sea creatures of National Pi Day?
Octopi.
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Why did the donut visit the dentist?
He needed a chocolate filling.
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Look up “rib” in the dictionary and it says “To vex, irritate or annoy”.
Look up “rib” in the Bible and it says “Woman”.
Coincidence?
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My friend said he was going to start a feeling-blue club, but I declined.
I’m more of an upbeat kind of person.
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Did you hear about the flat Earth conspiracy?
It’s spreading around the globe.
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