Best Jokes

Funny Jokes

English teacher: β€œGive me the opposite of this sentence: Children in the dark make mistakes.”

Student: β€œMistakes in the dark make children.”

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If you want to know why the Brits are so good at cycling, then just take a look at the cost of public transport.

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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

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The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.

The good news: For the next 3 months I’m protected against heartworms and fleas.

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What Happens When You Screw Up?

Biologist screws up:

Mutant virus.

Physicist screws up:

Deadly black hole.

Geologists screws up:

Rock on table is now rock on floor.

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A man called the hotel manager.

He said, β€œCome up quickly, I fought with my wife, and now she wants to throw herself out the window!”

The manager replied, β€œSir, this is a personal matter, and we can’t get involved. I can call sec…”

The man interrupted, β€œNo! This is a maintenance issue. The window won’t open!”

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Where do dead bowling pins go?

To the pit of doom!

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Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech.

In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

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What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?

The bogeyman.

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Why was the man with the big nose sad?

He could really smell his feet!

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Two dragons walk into a bar.

The first one says, β€œIt sure is hot in here.”

His friend snaps back, β€œShut your mouth!”

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What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?

The turkey.

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What do peanuts wear on their feet?


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Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?

Because they don’t have pockets.

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My dad called. He said he’s coming back home after all these years.

The Boomer rang.

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I went to watch Spider-Man playing baseball.

He was great at catching flies.

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Did you hear about the woman who tried to bribe the police with pennies?

She was taken in by the coppers.

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When the economy is good, people drink. When the economy is bad, people drink.

The moral?

Invest in alcohol.

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Which element of the periodic table is the poorest?


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If my nose runs, should I catch it?

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