Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
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Son: “Dad, have you seen “The Matrix”?”
Dad: “Is that the sequel to April Fools?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting owl.”
“Interrup...?”
“Twit twoo!”
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What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
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My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality.
I don’t know what that means, but must be pretty good if I’ve got it.
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Shrek was furious when all the fairy tale creatures were forced onto his swamp.
It was Marsh Madness.
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My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace.
After a few hours I finally found the exit.
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My therapist says I’m narcissistic.
How can someone who’s perfect be narcissistic?
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Guess what the only superhero I want to be?
YourMan.
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Why did the peanut butter and jelly get into a fight?
Because they couldn’t agree on which bread to use.
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What is red, white, and blue?
A sad candy cane.
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A guy is sitting outside on a bench eating a burger when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.
She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him, “You know, a cow died somewhere, so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?”
As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies, “It’s a shame for sure, but maybe if you weren’t eating its food, that cow might have lived.”
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Why was the bacon tree so angry when the axemen came?
Because he thought it was a ham-bush.
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Yo moma is so fat Luke Skywalker that yo moma was the Death Star.
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What was the taxidermist doing at the hot dog stand?
Stuffing his face!
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How do you wish an ice cream a happy birthday?
“Hope your birthday is gelato fun!”
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Teacher: “Pepito, what can you tell me about the death of Christopher Columbus?”
Pepito: “That I am awfully sorry, sir!”
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Where do mushrooms hang out on Saturday night?
The salad bar.
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Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.
Unfortunately, they didn’t catch on at that time, since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.
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After my retirement from the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.
Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.
She’s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: “Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.”
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”. EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.
October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”.
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here”. One of the clerks passed out.
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