There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great poet.
When asked to define “great”, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, no, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
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I go to the store and buy ten hot dogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas.
If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?
No self-control.
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I don’t want to be Spider-Man, I just want to be your man.
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What’s a poodle’s favorite kind of pizza?
Pupperoni.
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Remember:
It’s impolite to ask people questions about their sinuses because that’s their personal business.
Don’t be nosy.
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Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!
It’s a brand new day full of possibilities and bacon.
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An Oxford comma walks into a bar.
Orders a gin, and tonic.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ginger.”
“Ginger, who?”
“The Ginger Bread Man!”
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Why do crypto fans love donuts?
Because they’re decentralized.
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Why was the hip bone so calm during surgery?
Because it knew everything would be alright.
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When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?
When it’s a snowman’s nose!
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What did the florist say to the customer who was trying to bargain over the price of the rose bouquet?
“Take it or leaf it bud!”
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Where do beavers go to cash their paychecks?
The riverbank.
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What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
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What do you call it when a leprechaun sharts?
Lucky streak.
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Why did the Egyptian architect go to jail?
He was caught planning a pyramid scheme.
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Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
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How does a cyclist train for a race?
He recycles.
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Your mama’s so short that she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.
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December 26th is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand and Australia.
Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the US?
Black Friday.
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