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Looking for a boyfriend in engineering.

The odds are good, but the goods are odd.

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Why did the spaceship bring a snack to Uranus?

It wanted to have a gas-tro picnic.

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If you add the two numbers in your chronological age, you get your true age.

So you’re 5 now, and you can’t really argue the similarities. Five-year-olds have a tough time tying their shoes, can barely spell their own name, and need help reading!

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Did you hear about the baseball player who can spot a fast-food restaurant from miles away?

He leads the league in Arby eyes.

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Why was red in awe of orange?

Because orange blue green.

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A beaver is eating an ice cream. He has a sour look on his face.

β€œI wish I’d reached the stick already,” he mumbles to himself.

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Why was the math book sad on National Pi Day?

Because it had too many problems.

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My wife and I have an open relationship.

Found out last night.

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What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow?

The β€œinedible snowman”.

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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s very time-consuming.

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If I wanted to be taller, I’d just wear higher shoes. This is the height I want to be at.

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Customer: β€œThis sushi is terrible.”

Waiter: β€œSir, this is an aquarium!”

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Did you hear about the new strategy where companies collaborate with ill celebrities?

It’s called influenza marketing.

It’s really going viral.

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What do you call a grape that’s always getting into trouble?

A mis-grape.

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The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.

The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, β€œOuch!” and gripping his temples.

The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, β€œOuch!” and gripping his temples.

Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, β€œOuch!” and gripping her temples.

The Scarecrow says, β€œWhat’s the matter with you guys?”

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Good morning!

May your day be as positive as your WiFi signal.

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Yo mama’s so flatulent that she forced the Mustafarians to wear masks!

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What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?

Lucky.

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Nope, that’s not the smell of morning bacon.

It’s our house burning!

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My addiction to helium is out of control, but...

No one is taking my cries for help seriously.

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