Two Karens are out for lunch.
The waiter approaches them and asks, βIs anything OK?β
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I donβt always look at the heavens.
But when I do, itβs because Iβm looking at Uranus.
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How many bronze players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows, they canβt climb the ladder.
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Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.
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What kind of shoes do artists wear?
Sketchers.
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She: βI cheated on you.β
He: βMe too.β
She: βApril, 1.β
He: βMarch, 20.β
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Why do llamas have such long necks?
To make sure their heads stay on.
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Which nut has the most calories for the human body?
The Donut.
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I used to be a boy trapped in a womanβs body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
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Which candy bar is handsome, talented, rich, and lacks for nothing?
A Bounty-ful!
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Whatβs something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?
A family member giving you the bird.
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his fatherβwho was a ministerβif they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, βIβll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.β
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, βSon, Iβm really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youβve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnβt get hair cut!β
The young man waited a moment and replied, βYou know Dad, Iβve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.β
His father replied, βYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!β
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A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, βHey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. Iβll help you get the wagon up later.β
βThatβs mighty nice of you,β Willis answered, βbut I donβt think Pa would like me to.β
βAw, come on, boy,β the farmer insisted.
βWell okay,β the boy finally agreed, and added, βbut Pa wonβt like it.β
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host.
Willis: βI feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.β
βDonβt be foolish!β the neighbor said with a smile. βBy the way, where is he?β
Willis: βUnder the wagon.β
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Why couldnβt the joker enter the shop?
Because there was a board outside stating βNo funny businessβ.
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What would donutsβ favorite drink be?
The hole-y water.
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If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a boring nerd...
Iβd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
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What does Enya season her roast potatoes with?
Only Thyme.
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A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.
The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub βThe George and Dragonβ which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.
Entering the barroom, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather-padded booths, and a mahogany bar with brass rails, polished to a shine, they went up to the bar and asked for a room.
βRooms cost Β£20 per night, we donβt accept euros, and you must be out by 7am tomorrow, or else you pay for both days.β
βAlright then, could I get something to eat, ma?β
βThe kitchen closed at 6, and I am not going back there until 11am tomorrow, no matter what you say. Anything else?β
βYes, could I please talk to George?β
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You know what they say about Anti Jokes?
Sheβs married to Uncle Jokes.
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I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day.
We just... I donβt know. We just clicked.
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