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Chuck NorrisΒ once lent his silly string to aΒ teenager.

We now know him as Spider-Man.

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Why do coders get Halloween confused with Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

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I own a solar powered food maker.

It’s an apple tree.

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My barber wanted me to sign a long-term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused.

I couldn’t accept all those perms and conditions.

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The kid next door challenged me to a water balloon fight.

I’m just going to update my Facebook status while waiting for the kettle to boil.

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Why do people hate to shave off their beards?

They’re naturally attached to it.

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It sits in a corner and still travels around the world, guess who?

A stamp.

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Why did the dolphin go to the dentist?

He had an appointment.

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It’s always coming but never comes, can you guess what it is?

Tomorrow.

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The human brain is amazing.

It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.

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You should get your flu vaccination.

It’s worth a shot.

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What happens when developers ask a silly question?

They get a silly ANSI.

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Her: β€œWhen’s your birthday?”

Me: β€œJanuary first.”

Her: β€œWhat year?”

Me: β€œEvery year.”

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A senator is visiting a primary school.

In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers, β€œIf my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.”

β€œNo,” the senator says, β€œthat would be an ACCIDENT.”

A girl raises her hand, β€œIf a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside… that would be a tragedy.”

β€œI’m afraid not,” explains the senator. β€œThat is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”

The room is silentβ€”none of the other children dare volunteer.

β€œWhat?” asks the Senator, β€œIsn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, Little Johnny in the back raises his hand.

In a timid voice, he says, β€œIf an airplane carrying a senator was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy.”

β€œMarvelous!” the senator beams. β€œAnd can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”

β€œWell,” says Johnny, β€œbecause it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be any great loss.”

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Last night I made fish tacos.

They looked at them and just swam away.

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My wife was talking about funeral plans.

My Wife: β€œI said we’ll give you a military send off like the sailors on a ship.”

Me: β€œI was in the Air Force.”

My Wife: β€œOK, we’ll toss you out of an airplane.”

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What are the official sea creatures of National Pi Day?

Octopi.

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Why did the donut visit the dentist?

He needed a chocolate filling.

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Look up β€œrib” in the dictionary and it says β€œTo vex, irritate or annoy”.

Look up β€œrib” in the Bible and it says β€œWoman”.

Coincidence?

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My friend said he was going to start a feeling-blue club, but I declined.

I’m more of an upbeat kind of person.

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