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Two Karens are out for lunch.

The waiter approaches them and asks, β€œIs anything OK?”

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I don’t always look at the heavens.

But when I do, it’s because I’m looking at Uranus.

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How many bronze players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Who knows, they can’t climb the ladder.

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Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.

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What kind of shoes do artists wear?

Sketchers.

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She: β€œI cheated on you.”

He: β€œMe too.”

She: β€œApril, 1.”

He: β€œMarch, 20.”

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Why do llamas have such long necks?

To make sure their heads stay on.

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Which nut has the most calories for the human body?

The Donut.

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I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

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Which candy bar is handsome, talented, rich, and lacks for nothing?

A Bounty-ful!

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What’s something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?

A family member giving you the bird.

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his fatherβ€”who was a ministerβ€”if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, β€œI’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, β€œSon, I’m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, β€œYou know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, β€œYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

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A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, β€œHey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

β€œThat’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, β€œbut I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

β€œAw, come on, boy,” the farmer insisted.

β€œWell okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, β€œbut Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host.

Willis: β€œI feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

β€œDon’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. β€œBy the way, where is he?”

Willis: β€œUnder the wagon.”

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Why couldn’t the joker enter the shop?

Because there was a board outside stating β€œNo funny business”.

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What would donuts’ favorite drink be?

The hole-y water.

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If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a boring nerd...

I’d have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

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What does Enya season her roast potatoes with?

Only Thyme.

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A tourist driving across rural England decided to stay the night in a small town.

The only place with rooms available was a quaint English pub β€œThe George and Dragon” which had a lovingly painted sign with a Knight beside a defeated dragon blowing in the evening breeze.

Entering the barroom, which while empty had a roaring fire against the back wall, leather-padded booths, and a mahogany bar with brass rails, polished to a shine, they went up to the bar and asked for a room.

β€œRooms cost Β£20 per night, we don’t accept euros, and you must be out by 7am tomorrow, or else you pay for both days.”

β€œAlright then, could I get something to eat, ma?”

β€œThe kitchen closed at 6, and I am not going back there until 11am tomorrow, no matter what you say. Anything else?”

β€œYes, could I please talk to George?”

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You know what they say about Anti Jokes?

She’s married to Uncle Jokes.

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I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day.

We just... I don’t know. We just clicked.

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