Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked.
😄 😄 😄
I’m a scratch golfer.
Every time I hit the ball, I scratch my head and wonder where it went.
😄 😄 😄
My sister and I decided that we want to start our own businesses.
She’s going to open a furniture store called “Sofa King” and I’m going to open a soup restaurant next door called “Stew Pit”.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the chicken cross the road?
If you saw Chuck Norris coming, you’d have crossed that road too!
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t they have Mother’s Day sales?
Because mothers are priceless.
😄 😄 😄
Terrorists in Baghdad recently blew up a drainage system.
Police there are calling it a sewer-side bombing.
😄 😄 😄
The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads “Please use toilet brush after using the toilet”.
Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?
😄 😄 😄
Three American Indians get lost in the forest.
Indian No.1: “What do we do?”
Indian No.2: “I don’t know, we’re Indian, we’re not supposed to get lost in the forest!”
Indian No.3: “We could do like the white man and fire three shots into the air.”
Indian No.2: “How does that help?”
Indian No.3: “Well, when the white man gets lost in the forest, he fires three shots into the air and then somebody comes and saves him.”
Indian No.2: “That sounds like a great idea!” points to Indian No.1 and says, “Go ahead and fire three shots in the air.”
Indian No.1 fires three shots into the air and they wait.
After an hour, nothing happens.
Indian No.1: “So, how long are we supposed to wait?”
Indian No.2: “I don’t know. I guess it depends on how close they are. Maybe we should try again?”
Indian No.3 (to Indian No.1): “Yeah, try firing three more shots in the air.”
Indian No.1: “I would, but I only have two arrows left.”
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side.
One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together, she asked me if she should change anything in her life.
I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better.
At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.
After the first day, I didn’t see anything. To be expected, of course, these things take time.
Three days later, nothing.
A week later, nothing.
Two weeks later, and I finally started to see something.
Thank god for that, I thought she knocked the light out of my eyes for good.
😄 😄 😄
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.
“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 55.”
“Fifty-five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re 82.”
“How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.
Answers St. Peter, “We added up your time sheets.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.
Cleanup was a breeze.
😄 😄 😄
What’s something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?
A family member giving you the bird.
😄 😄 😄
I guess your parents are bakers.
Because they made such a cutie pie!
😄 😄 😄
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
😄 😄 😄
A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said, “Why, my son, it is a “chechia”. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father, “It is very simple. This is a “djbellah”. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My “djbellah” protects the entire body.”
The son then asked, “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
“These are “babouches” my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These “babouches” keep us from burning our feet.”
“So tell me then,” added the boy.
“Yes, my son...”
“Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat, he doesn’t get wet.
The water gets Chuck Norrised.
😄 😄 😄
A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit.
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.
The wolf turns to the moose and says, “Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It’s been a couple days without food. You understand, right?”
The moose says, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I’ve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?”
The wolf says, “Of course.”
So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.
The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says, “I don’t even know why the hell I looked. I can’t even read.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.
😄 😄 😄
What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?
This is a fine mesh we’ve gotten ourselves into.
😄 😄 😄
I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.
It’s just really hard to find thirty-two of them willing to do it.
😄 😄 😄
