Science is amazing. Some European scientists made a breakthrough and invented an Anti-Thieves Machine. It detects and catches thieves in the streets of various cities around the world with an accuracy of 99.9%!
Naturally, various countries were interested. Germany got 2 machines, France got 3, Greece got 4, Italy got 5, and Portugal, true to its showoff image, got 10.
After one hour, in Germany, 100 thieves were caught. In France, more than 250 thieves were caught. In Greece, more than 350 thieves were caught. In Italy, more than 500 thieves were caught. In Portugal, after 30 minutes, all the machines were stolen.
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What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
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Your mama so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
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A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,” and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.
She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, “Look, lady, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already.”
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What do you call violent mermaids?
Mercenaries.
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What is the definition of a farmer?
Someone is good in their field.
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What’s a clockmaker’s favorite social media site?
TikTok.
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Chuck Norris once played with Lego.
The result was The Great Pyramids.
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A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.
“Will I be able to race this horse again?” he asks.
The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”
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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes!
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I asked Uranus if it wanted to go for a walk.
And it replied, “Sure, just don’t stand behind me.”
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Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
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HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
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I ate a cactus today...
It had a sharp taste.
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Why is March through May the best time of the month to buy a mattress?
It’s when they are the most springy.
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A boy was riding his bicycle, and he sees his mom on the porch.
He releases the handle and yells to his mom, “Look mom, no hands!”
His mom replies, “Be careful, honey.”
Then he releases his legs from the pedals and says, “Look mom, no legs!”
His mom replies more sternly, “Be careful, honey.”
The little boy then abruptly falls, to the dismay of his mom.
The boy slowly gets back up and says, “Look mom, no teeth!”
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I’ve invented a solar-powered still!
It turns sunshine into moonshine.
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Why is Superman stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants.
Why is Batman more stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.
Why is Robin even more stupid?
Because he followed what batman did.
Why is Wonder Woman stupid?
Because she wears a belt on her head.
Why is Spider-Man the most stupid superhero of them all?
Because he wears his underwear over his head.
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There was no volcanic eruption in Iceland—Chuck Norris opened the BBQ season.
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Where does a beard styling enthusiast go for vacations?
Shave-illa.
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