A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!”
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, “Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”
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What happened to the guy who stole a pun?
He needed to be pun-ished.
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Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
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What did the newspaper say to the ice cream?
What’s the scoop?
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Why is Donald Trump so good at the racetrack?
He’s a stable genius.
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Yo mama so fat when she wears her yellow raincoat people yell out “taxi!”.
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It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle.
He just didn’t have the balls to do it.
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Why did the daughter start eating donuts?
Because her mother said, “You better eat hole foods.”
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Why is nostalgia like grammar?
We find the present tense and the past perfect.
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Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
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What do you call an extraterrestrial that speaks Portuguese?
A Brazalien.
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What are Michael Jackson’s pronouns?
He/Hee.
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What are bombing instructors in Jihad camps getting tired of hearing?
“OK Boomer!”
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I just found out that the UK doesn’t have a kidney bank.
But at least it has a Liverpool.
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Chuck Norris can make fire by rubbing together two pieces of ice.
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What’s the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?
The Man U bus has more pricks.
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Good morning!
Remember, life is too short to skip breakfast...
Or to wear matching socks.
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A beaver hit a wall.
And yells out dam.
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My friend said that my haircut makes me look like a rooster.
I said it’s a cock-a-doodle do.
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My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleep on the sofa.
I said that it made me feel manly like I was camping.
With a really angry bear somewhere close by...
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