Teacher: “Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.”
No one stands up.
Teacher: “Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb.” Waves her finger around the left side of the room.
Little Johnny stands up.
Teacher: “Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?”
Little Johnny: “No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the alien go off in his ship?
He needed some space
😄 😄 😄
The boss said I should go home because I really don’t look good.
I don’t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.
😄 😄 😄
What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
😄 😄 😄
I what is a crackers weight measured in?
In grahams.
😄 😄 😄
My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
“Are we expecting guests?” I asked.
“No,” she replied.
“Then why did you buy so much bread?”
😄 😄 😄
April Fools’ Day is a great day to pull pranks.
Except on me, if you’re smart.
😄 😄 😄
Two retired British Army officers are speaking.
1st officer: “Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”
2nd officer: “I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”
1st officer: “I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village, and armed with my rifle we set out.
Several hours into the hunt and deep in a mangrove swamp, we stumbled upon fresh tracks.
It was not more than a few minutes of tracking the great beast when we heard it—a low, guttural sound from behind.
I quickly turned and as I readied my rifle, the tiger leaped from the shadows, teeth, and claws bared. Rrrraaaaaarrrrrr! I shat my pants.”
2nd officer: “Of course, you shat your pants, old chap. You were attacked by a Bengal Tiger!”
1st officer: “No, right now when I went ‘Rrrraaaaaarrrrr!’.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the two turkeys who got into a fight?
They beat the stuffing outta each other.
😄 😄 😄
Two eggs went for a comedy gig, guess what one egg said to the another?
Let’s get cracking.
😄 😄 😄
I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.
Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.
😄 😄 😄
This young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting non-stop.
The girl can’t stand the smell and says, “Stop that! It’s disgusting!”
The guy says, “Don’t blame me, it’s the dog.”
“Don’t blame him,” says the girl. “He was cooked perfectly.”
😄 😄 😄
How many HR people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in, the other to investigate the lightbulb’s complaint it was touched inappropriately.
😄 😄 😄
How was your ear operation?
Thursday.
😄 😄 😄
No need to Apollo-gize, I know you didn’t moon what you said!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and a NASCAR driver?
Tiger Woods plays golf for a living, but enjoys smashing up his car on his days off.
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
😄 😄 😄
Where do kids get ice cream cakes on their birthdays?
At sundae school.
😄 😄 😄
Love is a lot like peeing your pants.
Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl aboard.”
😄 😄 😄
