A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.
The boss felt sorry for him and didn’t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.
He said to the worker, “Why don’t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?”
The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.
“Sir,” he whispers, his throat feeling worse, “Please slow down, there’s a road crew up ahead.”
“Okay,” the driver whispers back, “I’ll try not to wake them.”
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What do you call a game-winning laser?
Viktor-E.
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How are pandas made?
You punch a polar bear in the eyes.
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I’m a poet and I know it.
“I dug,
You dug,
He dug,
She dug,
We all dug!”
It’s not a great poem, but it’s deep.
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My wife bought me a Lego car set to build, and it said +3 years in the box.
I got the last laugh, I finished it in 2.
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A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
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Yo mama’s appetite is so huge even after eating an elephant for breakfast she demanded a whale as dessert.
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Getting old certainly has its benefits.
Every birthday party is a surprise birthday party when you reach 80 years of age.
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Uranus’ puns are my favorite kind of humor.
They’re truly universal.
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My commute to work today was just awful!
Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.
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Never laugh at your girlfriend’s choices.
You’re one of them.
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There was an ad in the newspaper:
An agriculturist looks for a woman with a tractor.
A photo of the tractor is required.
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My friend told me that mentioning Uranus in science class is embarrassing.
I replied, “Don’t worry, it’s just a gas!”
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Do you know that the plural of penny is pence?
But we just say pennies because it makes more cents.
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What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie.. or not to brie...
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Once I tried to paint the sky, but I blue it.
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Why are hamburgers so happy at barbeques?
They get to meet all their old flames.
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What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
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What’s the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day.
On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
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What did people say when the headless horseman started dating a zombie?
He’s lost his head!
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