The most loyal, kind and noble of all dog breeds is the hot dog.
He’s the only one who feeds the hand that bites him.
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On the occasion of Teachers’ Day, the teacher was having a casual chat with his students.
Teacher: “Neil, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Neil: “Sir, I want to be just like you.”
Teacher, impressed: “And why is that?”
Neil: “Because even I love doing nothing.”
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What do you call a bear who lives in the Arctic and has extreme mood swings?
A bi-polar bear.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Erin.”
“Erin, who?”
“Erin as fast as I could but couldn’t catch the leprechaun.”
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The most annoying thing about working from home is awkward Skype calls with clients.
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Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?
Because he was a neck-romancer.
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How does the enthusiastic man eat his hot dog?
With relish.
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I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said, “Wow, that’s cool!”
And he replied, “Sorry, ma’am, it can only warm.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream?
What’s the scoop?
😄 😄 😄
I don’t like peanut butter.
It just isn’t my jam.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot.
😄 😄 😄
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”
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I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it’s just not as big.
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A soapbox orator addresses a crowd on the glories of communism, “Come the revolution, everyone will eat strawberries and cream!”
A man at the front whimpers, “But I don’t like strawberries and cream...”
The speaker thunders, “Come the revolution, you will like strawberries and cream!”
😄 😄 😄
Why do aliens only abduct white people?
Because they are easier to see in the dark.
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An alien drops by the White House and exclaims, “Take me to your leader.”
The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.
“Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!” calls a Senator.
“You are right,” responds the alien.
“See you on Thursday!”
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A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.
Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.
He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.
As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, “Do you know, fancy that, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”
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Did you hear about the Wall Street investment banker who won $10 million in the lottery?
He’s so happy that he’s giving some serious thought to paying back his student loan.
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I used to be a plumber.
But then all of my confidence went down the drain.
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After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.
When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.
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