What’s a dragon’s favorite snack?
Fire-crackers.
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Don’t you love sitting on the sofa late at night with a glass of wine in your hand?
Until the police come along and kick you out of IKEA.
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Teacher: “Which is the best hand to use when writing something, the left hand or the right hand?”
Pupil: “None of them. It’s better to use a pen or pencil.”
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I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.
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What’s a teacher’s favorite way to celebrate National Teacher Day on May 2nd?
By giving students a pop quiz to see if they’ve been may-taining their knowledge.
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Doctor: “I’ve got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live.”
Patient: “What could be worse news than that?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to contact you for the last 6 days.”
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Picked up a set of 20 Disney shorts on vinyl for only $30.
To be honest, though, I think they’d chafe less in cotton.
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Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, it’s going to end in a mess.
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One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night.
It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon.
Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted by the noises of the deceased chickens.
We had a poultrygeist.
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I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.
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When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hot dogs and my favorite candy.
You can’t do that these days...
Too many damned security cameras.
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Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
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You can’t fit inside a tuna can.
But a tuna can.
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What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
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How do we know the IRS likes poor people?
Because they appear to create so many of them.
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If Spider-Man suddenly runs out of web when he’s chasing bad guys, what is he called?
Peter Parkour.
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What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
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Why don’t marketers make good chefs?
Because they’re too obsessed with serving ads rather than actual cooking.
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A skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, “We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.”
“How do I know which to choose?” she asked.
“That’s easy,” said St. Peter. “You have to spend a day in each place before making a decision.”
With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell.
The elevator doors opened, and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her.
She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times.
That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant.
She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy.
Before she knew it, her day in hell was over, and she returned to heaven.
The day in heaven was OK. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp.
At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision.
“Well, heaven was great and all,” the nurse said, “but I had a better time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell.”
With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.
When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.
When the devil walked over, she said to him, “I don’t understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking.”
The devil smiled and said, “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.”
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I recently went to a restaurant, they poisoned my tiramisu. Guess what?
I tiramisued them.
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