My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
π π π
Little Johnnyβs chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
βNow, class. Observe what happens to the two worms,β said the professor, putting the first worm in the glass of water.
The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It writhed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.
βNow kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?β he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, βDrink whiskey and you wonβt get worms!β
π π π
Has anyone elseβs gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and Iβve grown bigger ever since.
π π π
All this talk recently about following the Swedish model...
I tried following a Swedish model one time.
Apparently, Sweden has restraining orders, too.
π π π
What would you callΒ an unidentified object which landed in Australia?
Australien.
π π π
Yo mama so fat when she sat on a dollar bill she squeezed a booger out of George Washingtonβs nose.
π π π
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?
Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
π π π
The Koreans were printing with movable type in 1403.
I was in 1402 and the noise kept me awake all night.
π π π
If mermaid is woman, then what do you call a man version of mermaid?
Merbutler.
π π π
When my boss asked me why I showed up late for our Zoom meeting, I told him that he wouldnβt believe the network traffic.
π π π
Can you guess what the calendar worker got fired for?
He took a day off without telling anyone!
π π π
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
π π π
Why did Tiger Woods return the donuts?
Because there was a hole-in-one.
π π π
Your mama so short she went under Trumpβs wallο»Ώ.
π π π
Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born.
π π π
It is so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
π π π
Why did the new Little Mermaid actress have to be someone without any cosmetic enhancements?
Because there is enough plastic in the ocean already.
π π π
How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?
It uses Heinz sight.
π π π
A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.
He presumes, because sheβs got a uniform on, sheβs probably an off duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, βWe love to fly and it shows.β
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, βWinning the hearts of the world.β
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, βGoing beyond expectations.β
The woman looks at him wearily and says, βWhat the heck do you WANT, moron?β
βAh!β he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, βAmerican Airlines!β
π π π
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
π π π
