What do you call a Thursday that feels a bit off?
Thirst-day, because it’s always craving the weekend.
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Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey that tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
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Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn... I think I’m going to pass out.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, where are you calling from?”
Caller: “I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?”
Caller: “No.”
Dispatcher: “What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?”
Caller: “Running from the police.”
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What’s worse than having a big nose?
Having a big nose and tiny hands!
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One fine day Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car.
As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
“Oh no,” Ole protested, “I was only doing tirty, officer.”
“No, you were doing fifty,” replied the cop.
“Really, officer, I was only doing tirty”, Ole replied stubbornly.
“Well,” bellowed the cop, “I clocked you doing FIFTY!”
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up, “Officer, you really shouldn’t argue with Ole ben he’s been drinking.”
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A Sunni and a Shia Muslim have a child together.
They name her Sushi.
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I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
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Work is really interfering with my enjoyment of working from home.
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Me: “Hello, 911? I want to report a hit-and-run.”
Dispatcher: “What was the make and model of the vehicle?”
Me: “It was a Lamborghini Silhouette.”
Dispatcher: “How do you spell that?”
Me: “Huh!? Sorry, I mean it was a BMW Z4.”
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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She: “I cheated on you.”
He: “Me too.”
She: “April, 1.”
He: “March, 20.”
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What’s the name of the Democratic skeleton from Brooklyn, New York who’s running for president?
Bony Sanders.
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What do waitresses and chemists have in common?
They both need to check the table periodically.
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What does the moon like to have on its toast?
Space Jam!
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A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 60th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice, luxurious hotel.
The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.
“It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the clerk.
The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.
The manager showed up and explained that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.
“But I didn’t use them,” the old woman said.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” he replied.
The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
“We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” he said.
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
The manager replied, “Well, we have them, and you could have.”
Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, “But I didn’t use it!”
The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.
The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him.
“But madam, this check is for only $50.00,” he said.
“That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” the old lady replied.
“But I didn’t!” the manager shouted.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
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What do you call a Shrek fan girl?
An O-girl!
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was trying to escape the gravitational pull of your mother.
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Your mama’s so short she does backflips under the bed.
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So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said, “Si.”
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What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
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