Chuck Norris once played with Lego.
The result was The Great Pyramids.
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You know you’re 50 when you and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.
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How do aliens refer to Uranus?
Their behind-the-scenes tour guide.
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The family got completely lost on their journey to the hot dog stand.
They took a turn for the wurst.
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Two mushrooms were talking about politics.
One mushroom said, “I think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”
The other said, “That’s a shiitake.”
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I got abducted by aliens...
I was told to do my all chores, eat my veggies, take a shower and brush my teeth.
It was then I realized I was in the mother ship.
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A youthful, cheerful woman enters an elevator with an older man.
“TGIF!” says the woman with a big smile.
“S.h.i.t,” he deadpans as he slowly turns to face her.
Thinking he didn’t hear her, the woman gently repeats “T.G.I.F.”
He merely says, “S.h.i.t.” as slowly as he can.
“T.G.I.F. is for Thank God It’s Friday, Silly!” she exclaims, exasperated.
“I know that, but it’s Thursday,” the man responds.
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The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
“Mother”, the nuns pleaded, “Please give us some wisdom before you die.”
She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”
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A database professional walks into a bar...
And joins two tables.
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
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Why should you always knock on the fridge door before opening it?
In case there’s a salad dressing.
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I went to my first full moon party at the weekend, I have to say, it eclipsed my expectations!
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What’s the difference between a bass guitar and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
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What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?
Band aides.
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Two friends were discussing what they wanted to do with their lives.
One of them suggested data science.
“I’d much rather date a person, thank you,” said another.
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What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
“It’s Christmas, Eve!”
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Why were there only 18 letters in the alphabet?
Because E.T. flew off in a UFO, and the CIA chased after him!
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Your mama so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick!
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What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda.
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What instrument does a showoff play on St. Patrick’s Day?
Brag-pipes.
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