What did the chef say to his staff on Labor Day?
“Let’s take a break and cook up some fun!”
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How do you know when the moon is going broke?
When it’s down to its last quarter.
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An elephant, a giraffe and a penguin walk in to a bar.
It’s at this point I realize that there is something wrong with my pint.
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Chuck Norris can fold a fitted sheet.
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Why did the pumpkin pie go to the doctor?
It was feeling crummy.
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Wife: “I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?”
Husband: “Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.”
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What did Helen Keller say to the retail sales person who wanted to help her?
“I’m just looking.”
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What does a dyslexic Mexican smoke?
Tabasco.
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A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of drummers.
They called ground control with a list of demands. Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren’t met they will release one drummer an hour.
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A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time. He goes for a hike and sees a moose.
He asks the park ranger, “Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman. “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”
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What do you call a Chinese lobster?
A crust-asian.
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I watched the cricket for four hours today and I finally understand it...
It uses its legs to make a noise.
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The computer programmer to his son: “Here, I brought you a new basketball.”
Son: “Thank you, daddy, but where is the user’s guide?”
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Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?
It helps with division.
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Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt.
People write on walls, use emojis, and worship cats.
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Why did the Gen Z’er bring a ladder to the library?
To reach the highest shelf for the perfect Instagram shot.
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When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
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Did you hear about the hippy scientist?
He only did organic chemistry.
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Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning.
Because I can’t get out of bed.
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You’ll never hear Uranus complain.
Because it’s got a good atmosphere about it.
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