Getting dress for work is so stressful. Should I put on yoga pants or sweatpants?
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Why did the bearded man sue the barber who sneakily shaved off his beard?
He barber-ed a grudge against him.
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How did the chocolate frog sneak into Hogwarts?
It used the invisibility croak.
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An alcoholic is driving home from the bar at 3 am, totally annihilated.
He’s swerving between lanes and gets spotted by a patrol officer, who then pulls him over.
The cop asks the inebriated man where he’s headed at such a late hour.
The drunk replies, “I’m just going to a lecture, officer.”
In disbelief, the officer asks, “Who would be giving a lecture this late?”
The alcoholic replies, “My wife.”
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What’s a sheep’s favorite holy text?
The Baa-ble.
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Yo daddy so drunk his breath gave you liver failure.
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Yo mama so fat every time she turns around it’s her birthday.
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Who is the only Looney Tunes character with a doctorate?
Elmer PhD.
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What do you call a possessed bird?
A polter-goose.
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A burglar broke into our house last night.
I didn’t shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.
Our three cats did the rest.
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The physics student asks to go to the bathroom. Professor asks, “Liquid, Solid or Gas?”
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Yo mama so ugly when she watches TV the channels change themselves.
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Why don’t Mexicans use ChatGPT?
Cos they’ll never cheat on an essay.
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How many pharmacists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, every six hours for the next ten days.
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I went to my first full moon party at the weekend, I have to say, it eclipsed my expectations!
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Uranus’ puns are my favorite kind of humor.
They’re truly universal.
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I’m in a really boring geology class.
I dust can’t sand it.
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How do you know it’s time to retire?
It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!
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Our local woods are full of mushrooms right now.
I’m always tripping on them.
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A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink.
Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city’s problems.
Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, “Listen, sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs, and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed...”
“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even tried alcohol?”
“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”
“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”
“Well, I really don’t know ...”
“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me, and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that evil is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”
“Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”
“Well, let’s go inside and settle this.”
“No, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this? Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this scotch you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”
“You’re on!” said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup.
He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please.”
The bartender sighed and said, “Is that darn “nun” out there again?!”
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