There was a young pregnant woman. Her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.
She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.
So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly, “Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank you.”
She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!
The woman continued to wait for her newborn and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months, and years passed, the baby never came!
Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.
They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:
“You go first!”
“No, you go first!”
😄 😄 😄
Peter goes golfing every Saturday.
One Saturday, he comes home tired and five hours late.
His wife asks him, “What took you so long?”
Peter says, “That was the worst game of golf I’ve ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Harry hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack.”
Peter’s wife says, “OMG! That’s terrible!”
Peter says, “I know. Then, for the rest of the game it was: hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. . .”
😄 😄 😄
I guess your parents are bakers.
Because they made such a cutie pie!
😄 😄 😄
As your torturer, I’m making it my mission to wake you up really early every day.
😄 😄 😄
Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
😄 😄 😄
What does a volleyball player do at prom?
Spike the punch.
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Guitar tuner: “Hi, I’m here to tune your bass guitar.”
Guy: “I didn’t call a guitar tuner.”
Guitar tuner: “Yeah, I know, but the neighbors called.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?
Band aides.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short that she makes Gary Coleman look like Shaquille O’Neal.
😄 😄 😄
Son: “Dad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?”
Dad: “Because your mother loves Roses.”
Son: “Oh... OK. Thanks, Dad!”
Dad: “No problem, Costco Hot Dog.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat when she sat on a dollar bill she squeezed a booger out of George Washington’s nose.
😄 😄 😄
You are so dumb you thought a thesaurus was a kind of dinosaur.
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What do you call two guys from Mexico playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
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Two Roofers—Bob and Dan—were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.
Bob and Dan decided that, since it was early, they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.
It was nearing 5 PM, and they hadn’t seen hide nor hair of anyone.
So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.
Bob says, “It’s the only way down. I will go first.”
Bob jumped.
Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, “Hey Bob! How deep did you go?”
Bob yells back, “I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!”
Dan jumps... and sinks clear up to his neck in manure!
“I thought when you jumped, you went up to your ankles?” he shouts at his friend.
“I did...” explained Bob, “but I landed head first!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
😄 😄 😄
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
😄 😄 😄
Earth is the third planet from the sun.
By this logic, all countries are third-world countries.
😄 😄 😄
Everyone always says that hot dogs suck.
I think German sausages are the wurst!
😄 😄 😄
A cowboy went to a chiropractor complaining of back trouble.
The Doc looked him over and could see he’d suffered some rough life.
“Have you been in any accidents lately?” he asked.
The cowboy thought about it for a moment, “No, no real accidents, I guess. Well, I been kicked by a mule last week, yesterday I got throwed by my mustang and last month a got bit by a snake.”
“You don’t call those accidents?” said the doctor with incredulity.
“Nah. Pretty sure they meant to do it on purpose.”
😄 😄 😄
What would you call a small scoop of ice cream?
A uni-cone.
😄 😄 😄
