Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?
He only had two worms.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call rain on Turkey Day?
Fowl weather.
😄 😄 😄
I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.
Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.
😄 😄 😄
Nope, that’s not the smell of morning bacon.
It’s our house burning!
😄 😄 😄
What do the ministry of magic and Chelsea F.C. fans have in common?
They both find Potter undesirable.
😄 😄 😄
Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.
In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes of silence.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
😄 😄 😄
My friend said he was going to start a feeling-blue club, but I declined.
I’m more of an upbeat kind of person.
😄 😄 😄
How many Apple engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Doughnut.”
“Doughnut, who?”
“Doughnut forget to share your donuts with me!”
😄 😄 😄
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
Nun.
😄 😄 😄
A man enters a golfing tournament, but he is terrible at golf.
However, an evil leprechaun lives at the golf course.
He says to the man, “I see you are terrible at golf, but I can help you win the tournament, if you agree to never marry.”
The man agrees.
After he wins the tournament, the leprechaun asks for his name.
The man says, “Father Smith,” as he adjusts his priest’s collar.
😄 😄 😄
I had to call an electrician out today after getting my finger stuck in the socket while trying to plug in my iPhone.
I can’t believe how much I was charged.
😄 😄 😄
Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.
One falcon turns to the other and says, “Man, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.”
The second falcon turns back and says, “You’d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.”
😄 😄 😄
On the occasion of Teachers’ Day, the teacher was having a casual chat with his students.
Teacher: “Neil, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Neil: “Sir, I want to be just like you.”
Teacher, impressed: “And why is that?”
Neil: “Because even I love doing nothing.”
😄 😄 😄
Who came after Augustus?
Septembrus.
😄 😄 😄
A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities.
I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally, I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
“No,” she replied, “but we have a lobby, and you can wait there.”
😄 😄 😄
A man went to the pet shop to buy a budgie.
“I would like a blue budgie please” he said to the assistant.
“I haven’t got a blue one,” the assistant replied. “I’ll sell you a green one and a tin of paint. You can paint it yourself.”
“OK,” said the man, “that’ll do.”
The next day, the man comes back. The budgie is dead.
“Look at this,” said the man. “It died while I was painting it.”
“That’s odd,” said the assistant, “I’m sure that paint was safe.”
The man replies, “I never got round to painting it. It died when I was burning the old paint off…”
😄 😄 😄
It’s flu season and I just saw 3 homeless people caring for each other. They were giving each other flu shots under the overpass.
What a caring community we live in, God Bless.
😄 😄 😄
