Guess why football stadiums are so cool?
Most seats have a fan on them!
😄 😄 😄
I went out to a seafood restaurant the other day.
My friend ate all the prawns. Rather shellfish of him.
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My friends came over for band practice.
My dad came downstairs with a jar of peanut butter and said, “I brought this to go with your jam.”
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I used to work at an orange juice factory but was fired because I couldn’t concentrate.
So I tried my hand at being a lumberjack. I couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Then I gave being a barber a go. But I didn’t cut it.
I was then hired as a tailor and found I wasn’t suited for the job.
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Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year.
Hers is in February and mine in July.
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What’s the best way to make a million dollars in horse racing?
Start with 2 million.
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Two men—one a brunette and the other a blonde—were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.
The brunette guy says, “What works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.”
The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks – with no luck.
He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.
The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, “You dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!”
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A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said, “Stay here and be very quiet. I’ll be across the field.”
A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.
“What’s wrong?” the father asked. “I told you to be quiet.”
The son answered, “Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said “Should we eat them here or take them with us?” I guess I just panicked.”
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What’s a planet’s favorite keyboard key?
The space bar!
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I got in trouble for calling Uranus a gasbag.
But let’s be honest, it’s full of hot air!
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I said to the gym teacher, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said, “How flexible are you?”
I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
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How does the moon do his nails?
Eclipse them.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Water.”
“Water, who?”
“Water you doing telling Halloween jokes right now? Don’t you have things to do?”
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Friend: “I don’t want to bore you with my problems...”
Me: “Awesome, thank you!”
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Why did Helen Keller’s husband often become upset with her?
Because she just didn’t listen.
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I hate it when someone tries to butter me up.
I like jam more.
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My Papa was a World War 2 Navy veteran, and he used to boast about how he saved 300+ sailors from dying from an excruciating death.
He shot the cook.
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Yo mama so fat she wakes up on both sides of the bed.
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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
😄 😄 😄
I love your sweater.
I think it’s made out of spouse material.
😄 😄 😄
