Why did the fungi leave the party?
There wasn’t mush-room for dancing.
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What do you call a chocolate Easter Bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.
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There are no jokes about Chuck Norris.
It’s all true.
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What did one hip replacement say to the other?
“You crack me up!”
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When you laugh the whole world will laugh with you. But if you sneeze, the world will say goodbye to you.
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Why can’t Christmas trees knit?
Because they lose their needles.
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A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they’ll play a game with the kids. They’ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.
At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.
“Well,” he says, “it’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.
The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s an asshole!”
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There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, “What’s your secret?” The guy whispers, “All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants.”
In a flourish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants.
But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror.
Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and desperately asks, “Why are all the girls running away from me?”
The first guy looks up and replies, “The pickle’s on the wrong side.”
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You are so ugly if they laid you on the beach, not even the tide would take you.
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Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”
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What’s the most common operation in a Lego hospital?
Plastic surgery.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Jesus.”
“Jesus, who?”
“Jesus Christ, open the door.”
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It’s hotter than a door knob in a barn blaze out here.
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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, “GIVE US YER LOOT”?
They were both blonds.
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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
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What do you call a talking turtle?
A cartoon.
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What did the internal auditor do to liven up the office party?
He didn’t show up.
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I’m out of bed and I made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?
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If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
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How many bass guitarists do you need to change a lightbulb?
One. But the guitarist has to show him how to do it first.
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