Yo momma’s so fat she uses Kamonians as toothpicks.
😄 😄 😄
Your nose was on time, but you must have been a few minutes late.
😄 😄 😄
My father asked me how my last hike went.
I told him, “It had its ups and downs.”
😄 😄 😄
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy and says, “I tink I will ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.”
Murphy asks, “Ave yer got vertigo?”
Paddy replies, “No, I only live round the corner.”
😄 😄 😄
I bought a life-size 3D model of plankton from SpongeBob.
4 days later I got an empty box full of bubble wrap.
I still don’t know where plankton is.
😄 😄 😄
Why do people ignore filled donuts?
Because they are just full of themselves.
😄 😄 😄
What do they have for breakfast in earthquake zones?
Panquakes.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
😄 😄 😄
My kids are the sunshine of my life.
Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.
😄 😄 😄
I went to buy an Invisible Man comic yesterday.
I couldn’t see any.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Not as old as.”
“Not as old as, who?”
“Still not as old as you!”
😄 😄 😄
No need to Apollo-gize, I know you didn’t moon what you said!
😄 😄 😄
If Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks you, even Google won’t be able to find you.
😄 😄 😄
What is Tiger Woods’ spirit animal?
I don’t know, but his wife said he was a cheetah.
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “John, show us where North America is.”
John: “Here it is.”
Teacher: “Good! Now, class, who discovered North America?”
Class: “John!”
😄 😄 😄
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1. Crimes
2. Accidents
3. Marriages
😄 😄 😄
A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.
Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.
Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.
“Well”, said the teacher, “the first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”
😄 😄 😄
Yep, that’s one of the reasons why I’m so popular.
😄 😄 😄
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears.
Looking back, it was obvious. He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
😄 😄 😄
My friend said that my haircut makes me look like a rooster.
I said it’s a cock-a-doodle do.
😄 😄 😄
