Best Jokes (94)



What does a predator call a hummingbird?

Fast food!

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Did you hear about the man who solved a puzzle in 10 minutes?

Even though the box said 2-4 years.

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Iโ€™ve been superglued mushrooms all over my body.

My wife says itโ€™s not right, but Iโ€™m sticking to my morels.

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You are so short that you can do push-ups underneath a closed door.

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What is Spider-Manโ€™s favorite sport?

Fly fishing.

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Yo momma so black she makes Lando Calrissian look like Casper.

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What do vegans get instead of bird flu?

Toflu.

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Dispatcher: โ€œ911, what is your emergency?โ€

Caller: โ€œI heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.โ€

Dispatcher: โ€œDo you have an address?โ€

Caller: โ€œNo, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?โ€

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Psychiatrist: โ€œWhat brought you here?โ€

Patient: โ€œMy wife sent me here because I like pancakes.โ€

Psychiatrist: โ€œThereโ€™s nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too.โ€

Patient: โ€œExcellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!โ€

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What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

โ€œThis is your doctor. Weโ€™ve had the results back from your tests, and weโ€™ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!โ€

โ€œOh my gosh!โ€ cries the man. Heโ€™s in a panic now. โ€œWhat are you going to do, doctor?โ€

โ€œWell, weโ€™re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.โ€

โ€œWill that cure me?โ€ asked the man, hopefully.

The doctor replied, โ€œWell, no, but... itโ€™s the only food we can get under the door.โ€

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What does a panda ghost eat?

Bam-BOO!

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The Koreans were printing with movable type in 1403.

I was in 1402 and the noise kept me awake all night.

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What do you get when you cross the godfather with an attorney?

An offer you canโ€™t understand.

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Yo mamaโ€™s so fat that the passengers of the Millenium Falcon mistook her for a small moon.

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Itโ€™s as cold as a brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska.

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A hockey player was asked, โ€œHow many accidents have you had in your career?โ€

The player responded, โ€œNone for sure. Iโ€™ve had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they werenโ€™t accidents. The opponents did it on purpose.โ€

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Three college graduatesโ€”one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economicsโ€”sit for a job interview.

The question theyโ€™re all asked is, โ€œWhatโ€™s 2+2?โ€

The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, โ€œA solution exists.โ€

The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, โ€œ3. But weโ€™ll make it 5 just to be safe.โ€

The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, โ€œHow much do you want it to be?โ€

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Yo mommaโ€™s so big when she tripped in Mos Eisley she landed in Mos Espa.

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his fatherโ€”who was a ministerโ€”if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, โ€œIโ€™ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ€

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, โ€œSon, Iโ€™m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโ€™ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโ€™t get hair cut!โ€

The young man waited a moment and replied, โ€œYou know Dad, Iโ€™ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ€

His father replied, โ€œYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ€

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