What does a predator call a hummingbird?
Fast food!
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Did you hear about the man who solved a puzzle in 10 minutes?
Even though the box said 2-4 years.
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I’ve been superglued mushrooms all over my body.
My wife says it’s not right, but I’m sticking to my morels.
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You are so short that you can do push-ups underneath a closed door.
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite sport?
Fly fishing.
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Yo momma so black she makes Lando Calrissian look like Casper.
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What do vegans get instead of bird flu?
Toflu.
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Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.”
Dispatcher: “Do you have an address?”
Caller: “No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?”
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Psychiatrist: “What brought you here?”
Patient: “My wife sent me here because I like pancakes.”
Psychiatrist: “There’s nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too.”
Patient: “Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!”
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What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh!” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man, hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well, no, but... it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
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What does a panda ghost eat?
Bam-BOO!
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The Koreans were printing with movable type in 1403.
I was in 1402 and the noise kept me awake all night.
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What do you get when you cross the godfather with an attorney?
An offer you can’t understand.
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Yo mama’s so fat that the passengers of the Millenium Falcon mistook her for a small moon.
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It’s as cold as a brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska.
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A hockey player was asked, “How many accidents have you had in your career?”
The player responded, “None for sure. I’ve had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren’t accidents. The opponents did it on purpose.”
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Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.
The question they’re all asked is, “What’s 2+2?”
The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”
The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll make it 5 just to be safe.”
The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, “How much do you want it to be?”
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Yo momma’s so big when she tripped in Mos Eisley she landed in Mos Espa.
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father—who was a minister—if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, “Son, I’m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”
The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”
His father replied, “Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!”
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