Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere!
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Yo mama so stupid she thought The Exorcist was a workout video.
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Why did the astronaut grow a beard in space?
He wanted spacial hair.
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Why do toadstools grow so close together?
They don’t need mush-room.
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Where do bad beavers go?
They’re dammed to hell.
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I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her.
She replied, “This jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.”
I said, “Okay, how about in the fridge?”
She said, “No, silly, there’s a little light inside.”
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I have so mush-room in my heart for you.
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Good morning!
Today is a good day to have a good day, especially if you've had your coffee.
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Yo mama’s so fat she crashed the Fortnite servers.
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My sister and I decided that we want to start our own businesses.
She’s going to open a furniture store called “Sofa King” and I’m going to open a soup restaurant next door called “Stew Pit”.
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Why do zombies speak Latin?
Because it’s a dead language.
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Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.
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Why are T-Rex’s unable to clap their hands?
Because they are extinct.
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It’s hard to have a serious conversation with an astronaut, you would think they would understand the gravity of the situation!
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I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.
1. My credit card number.
2. My social security number.
3. Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate.
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I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.”
After a twenty-second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
She replied, “Yeah... but I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”
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My kid has a stuffed alpaca toy.
I call it her Dolly Llama.
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Your mama so stupid she put a watch in the piggy bank and said she was saving time.
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I see double!”
Doctor: “Sit on the chair please.”
Patient: “Which one?”
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Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:
Step 1. Get a pumpkin.
Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.
Step 3. Give it a little push.
Step 4. Enjoy.
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