Quarantine has been hard. I’ve run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves.
It’s only going to get worse, though... this is just the tip of the iceberg.
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Teacher: “Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word ‘geometry’.”
Little Johnny: “A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, ‘Gee, I’m a tree!’.”
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What kind of money did the Elf on the Shelf use?
Jingle bills.
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Can you guess where that famous painter’s ear went?
Not sure, but I saw it get in a Van and Gogh!
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A hunter shoots a flying goose one day.
Proud of his hit he walks to fetch it only to see a farmer waiting for him, holding the goose.
“Sorry sir, this goose is mine. I shot it,” explains the hunter.
The farmer replies with a smirk, “But it landed on my property, so it’s mine.”
“Excuse me? You can’t just take what’s mine! Hand it over, right now!” The hunter is clearly angry.
The farmer’s grin gets bigger.
“Alright alright,” the farmer says calmingly. “Let’s settle this with a simple game we use around here to resolve an argument. The winner will keep the goose. The rules are simple. I’ll kick you in the nuts and see how much time it takes you to recover. Then you’ll do the same to me. Whoever recovers faster is the winner.”
The hunter, provoked and angry, agrees immediately.
The two get ready, the farmer kicks first. He takes a full swing and hits the hunter right between the legs.
The hunter nearly blacks out. A moment passes before he screams in agonizing pain, holding his crotch. His knees give in and he falls face-first onto the ground.
Time passes and the hunter does his best to endure the pain and get back up.
Eventually, still in pain, the hunter gets back onto his feet.
With teary eyes and a sore throat he says, “Now it’s my turn!”
The farmer looks at him smiling, shakes his head and goes, “Nah, man, It’s fine, you can have it. Here’s the goose, I didn’t want it anyway,” and walks off, laughing out loud.
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What is Dr. Pepper’s PhD in?
Fizz-ics.
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April doesn’t fool Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris fools April.
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What is a pressing thought of every pig?
“Why do all bacon get cooked and cookies get baked?”
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I’m currently obsessed with the Moon.
Although I think it’s just a phase.
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What did the banker say to the electrician?
“We will pay for your current account.”
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What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?
“If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.”
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Not sure if there’s been a break-in...
...or I just need to clean up.
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A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.
A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, “Your cat got run over by a car and died.”
The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.
His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.
A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.
“What?” he asks.
His friend replies, “Your grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.”
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What did dad say when he got a universal remote for Father’s Day?
This changes everything!
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Why are the cranberries red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
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What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?
Aria 51.
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What do you call a female horse that refuses to work while the sun is up?
A Nightmare!
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The good news is that you could make a lot of money by selling billboard space on your forehead.
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What did the underpaid data scientist say?
“I need arrays.”
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I have never seen a UFO before.
Because I’m always able to correctly identify the flying object.
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