Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
“Yep, she got the house.”
😄 😄 😄
I don’t like people who do not cover their mouths and noses when they sneeze.
These people make me sick.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can blow up things, without a bomb.
😄 😄 😄
My Millennial son called me for the first time in a year and a half.
I changed the Netflix password.
😄 😄 😄
How do you stop a warrior from charging?
Take away his credit card.
😄 😄 😄
What type of tomato smells best?
A Roma.
😄 😄 😄
I made a blue smoothie today.
It was berry good.
😄 😄 😄
So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, this is a singles bar.”
😄 😄 😄
On Teachers’ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?
To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.
😄 😄 😄
What has four legs but can’t walk?
Half an octopus.
😄 😄 😄
I just couldn’t decide which Asian takeout food I like the best, Japanese or Chinese.
I ended up calling it a Thai.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, geez, I had to call the doctor.”
😄 😄 😄
I was walking down the road along with my dog, looking cool in my black sunglasses when a YouTuber pulled me aside.
He said, “If you can walk round the park and back to me, I’ll give you 10 bucks. The catch is that you will have to do it blindfolded.”
I accepted his challenge and completed it in under 5 minutes. He was surprised and asked me how I did it so quickly.
I replied, “It was just a walk in the park for me. As a blind person, I can’t even see the problem with your challenge.”
😄 😄 😄
I didn’t always like mushrooms, but they’ve finally started to grow on me.
😄 😄 😄
When Mario collects coins with his cap in Super Mario Odissey...
You for sure know he is very cappytalistic.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
😄 😄 😄
The orthopedic doctor was feeling a bit patella-tive after a long day of surgeries.
😄 😄 😄
What is a pirate’s least favorite workout?
Planks. His favorite is chest day.
😄 😄 😄
When does a hot dog have a close shave?
At the barber-cue!
😄 😄 😄
What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?
U.V. Ray.
😄 😄 😄
