Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
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What do you call alien eggs?
Eggstra-terrestrials!
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A reporter was interviewing a 102-year-old woman.
“What’s the secret to your longevity?”, he asked.
Old woman: “Simple. The biggest cause of aging is stress, and the biggest cause of stress is arguing with people. So I never argue with anyone.”
The reporter laughed, “That’s ridiculous. That can’t be the real reason.”
The old lady smiled and nodded, “You’re probably right.”
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Why is a panda the most dangerous animal in the animal kingdom?
Because the panda eats shoots and leaves.
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A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”
The pilot was silent for a moment.
Finally he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
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What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?
Automobile.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Depends on what it says in the script.
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There was a young pregnant woman. Her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.
She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.
So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly, “Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank you.”
She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby!
The woman continued to wait for her newborn and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months, and years passed, the baby never came!
Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body.
They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other:
“You go first!”
“No, you go first!”
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Peter goes golfing every Saturday.
One Saturday, he comes home tired and five hours late.
His wife asks him, “What took you so long?”
Peter says, “That was the worst game of golf I’ve ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Harry hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack.”
Peter’s wife says, “OMG! That’s terrible!”
Peter says, “I know. Then, for the rest of the game it was: hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. . .”
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I guess your parents are bakers.
Because they made such a cutie pie!
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As your torturer, I’m making it my mission to wake you up really early every day.
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Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
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What does a volleyball player do at prom?
Spike the punch.
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Guitar tuner: “Hi, I’m here to tune your bass guitar.”
Guy: “I didn’t call a guitar tuner.”
Guitar tuner: “Yeah, I know, but the neighbors called.”
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What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?
Band aides.
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Your mama’s so short that she makes Gary Coleman look like Shaquille O’Neal.
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Son: “Dad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?”
Dad: “Because your mother loves Roses.”
Son: “Oh... OK. Thanks, Dad!”
Dad: “No problem, Costco Hot Dog.”
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Yo mama so fat when she sat on a dollar bill she squeezed a booger out of George Washington’s nose.
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You are so dumb you thought a thesaurus was a kind of dinosaur.
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What do you call two guys from Mexico playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
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