Chuck Norris can play volleyball with a bowlingball.
😄 😄 😄
You are so dumb you returned a puzzle because it was broken.
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I wanted to impress my crush, so I told her about my millionaire dad.
Now she is my mom.
😄 😄 😄
You know why Amish SUVs get such bad mileage?
Because they’re real grass-guzzlers.
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Why can’t you trust acupuncture specialists?
They’ll always stab you in the back.
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Black Friday came earlier this year for me...
My TV was stolen.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it!
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What do you call an otter who’s obsessed with trains?
A trainsp-otter.
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Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
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I found a pebble that looked like a guitar pick.
Must be for rock music.
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In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed.
Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, “Well me laddie, I got you this time with two live lobsters, three weeks after the season closed!”
The Newfie says, “No, my son. You are wrong! These are two trained lobsters I caught two weeks before the season ended.”
The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained? Like how?”
“Well, my son, each day I takes these two from my house, down to the wharf, and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim, I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles, and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!”
“Likely story,” the Fisheries Officer says. “Let’s take them on down to the wharf and see if its true.”
So, the Newfoundlander goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another.
After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, “How about whistling?”
The Newfoundlander says, “What for?”
The Fisheries Officer says, “To call in the lobsters.”
“What lobsters?” the Newfie asks.
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It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
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An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, “I’m going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?”
His wife answers, “Yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.”
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, “Honey, are you sure you don’t want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.”
“No, no, I’m sure I’ll remember what you asked for.”
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, “Well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!”
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What do you call a dog in August?
A hot dog.
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
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Why do women talk less in February?
Cause there are only 28 days.
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These three blondes were going to purchase a Christmas tree, but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.
The first blonde said, “I don’t care how long it takes us, I want a perfect tree.”
The other two blondes agreed saying, “We won’t leave until we find the right one.”
Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and hungry friends and said, “I promise the next tree we come across we’ll chop it down and take it home and I won’t care if it’s decorated for Christmas or not.”
😄 😄 😄
I love summer in the UK.
My favorite day of the year.
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Uranus can really bring the gas.
😄 😄 😄
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said, “Si.”
😄 😄 😄
