Chuck Norris’s ATM PIN number is the last four digits of Pi.
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What kind of pets does a band have?
Trum-pets.
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Chuck Norris once saw Spider-Man on a wall and then folded his newspaper.
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If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.
I guess that’s why they moo.
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Did you hear about the physical therapist who asked his date to meet him at the gym?
She didn’t show up, and that’s when he knew they weren’t gonna work out.
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What do you call a restaurant that predominantly uses garlic as an ingredient that caters to literary nerds?
Allicin Wonderland.
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What did Jupiter say to Neptune?
“Hey! I can see Uranus from here!”
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Apparently, it’s good to talk to your sunflowers.
I tried to teach my sunflowers mathematics, but they ended up with square roots.
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My family is all worried about my addiction to dot puzzles.
It’s OK though... I know where to draw the line.
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A mummy calls a restaurant.
“Hello, I’d like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.”
“Could you spell it out, please?” said the voice from the restaurant.
“Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”
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How do you tell poisonous mushrooms apart from edible ones?
You give them to someone else to eat first.
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Have you heard about the new game getting released?
It’s AI is 20 years ahead of it’s time, the graphics are truly real life, it has an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible.
It’s called “Go outside and ride your bike!”.
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Chuck Norris once lent his silly string to a teenager.
We now know him as Spider-Man.
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What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
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What’s the lazy baker’s favorite recipe?
Loaf bread.
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An Indian walks into a café with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Me want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Me in training for upper management: come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.”
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At the IRS audit.
IRS: “According to your tax return, you claim got money for nothing and checks for free.”
Taxpayer: “Am I in trouble for that?”
IRS: “We’d say you’re in dire straits.”
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A preschool teacher asked her students in class, “Who can count from one to ten?”
Little 3-year-old Timmy swiftly raised his hand, “I can!” and started counting, “One, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!”
The teacher is impressed, “Well done Timmy! Who taught you that?”
“My uncle Bobby!” Timmy said.
“Can you count past ten?” The teacher asked Timmy.
“That’s easy!” Timmy continued, “Jack, Queen, King…”
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When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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What are Schrodinger’s cat’s pronouns?
Is/isn’t.
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