What do you call an exploration mission to Uranus?
Colonoscopy.
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A guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks, “Hey, do you know Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, Kung Fu or anything like that?”
Offended, the Asian man replies, “What you think that just because I’m Asian, I know martial arts?”
The man replies, “Nah, it’s because you’re drinking my damn bourbon!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cash.”
“Cash, who?”
“Cash me if you can!”
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The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.
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Boomer to a Millennial: “Nothing in life is free.”
Also boomer to a Millennial: “The job doesn’t pay money, but it pays you in experience.”
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Roses are red, roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you.
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What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand.
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So I was driving on the free way today when I got cut off by an ambulance. All of a sudden, one of the back doors swung open, and a cooler popped out and rolled out to the shoulder.
I stopped and picked it up. I opened it and found what looked to be a severed toe. I immediately called 911.
The operator said, “911, what’s your emergency?”
I said, “Yes, I was driving behind an ambulance and a cooler with a severed toe fell out! If you can please inform me what hospital it’s going to, I can deliver it right now!”
The operator replied, “I’m sorry sir, but you can’t transport that. You need a specially certified vehicle to do so.”
I asked, “What kind of vehicle would that be?”
The operator said, “A toe-truck!”
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How does Uranus stay clean?
It takes meteor showers.
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You so ugly your mum ran up the stairs of the hospital when you were born and jumped off the roof.
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A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of drummers.
They called ground control with a list of demands. Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren’t met they will release one drummer an hour.
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Why don’t flu viruses use social media?
They prefer going viral in person.
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You must be frozen yogurt, because I want to spoon you.
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How many Apple engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
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Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Anita.”
“Anita, who?”
“Anita know when April Fools’ Day is.”
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What do you call a Bengali who works?
A work of fiction.
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Why did the Minion give Gru two banana skins for his birthday?
Because he asked for a pair of slippers.
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The sunflower couldn’t ride a bicycle anymore.
Its petals broke.
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Man, I hate organic chemistry. It can be so indecisive.
Whenever I ask oxygen if it prefers a methyl group or an ethyl group, it always responds “Ether”.
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