A telephone rang.
“Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”
“Yes, it is,” came the reply.
“Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
😄 😄 😄
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed.
He said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
😄 😄 😄
A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains, “Excuse me, Father, I don’t mean to trouble you, but I’m very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers.”
The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he’s speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.
“That is truly a noble calling,” he says. “Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to the priesthood.”
“That sounds like a very involved process,” the donut confesses. “I’m not sure I have the time.”
“If you don’t mind me asking...” replies the priest. “What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you’re not willing to commit to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?”
“Well...” the donut answers. “See, it’s because I’m holey.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cumin.”
“Cumin, who?”
“Don’t break my heart, I’m only cumin.”
😄 😄 😄
Why was Portugal the best colonial power?
Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.
😄 😄 😄
When everything’s coming your way...
You’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
😄 😄 😄
The red panda had a wild night last night.
He was caught red-handed.
😄 😄 😄
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being—an animal.”
Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past, “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, “RALPH, wake up! You crapped the bed!”
😄 😄 😄
I’m thinking of switching my major to geology.
I think I’d do well because I keep discovering a new rock bottom.
😄 😄 😄
My lucky day! I didn’t have enough money for the Honda, but the dealership took pity on me and gave me an old Fiesta.
I couldn’t afford an Accord, but I was accorded a Ford.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
😄 😄 😄
I’m not an organ donor, but I’d be happy to give you my heart.
😄 😄 😄
Vacationers spend too much time and money at donut shops.
They’re torus traps.
😄 😄 😄
A farmer goes to the bank for a loan. He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully, he can get a good crop.
The banker apologizes and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the bank is simply unwilling to loan to anyone planning to plant peanuts. However, the banker says, the bank is willing to loan on other crops. The banker recommends sunflowers.
The farmer is devastated, but eventually agrees to give sunflowers a try. Anything to get the loan and get some seed in the ground, he says.
At harvest time, another farmer asks how the sunflowers worked out.
The farmer admits that they’ve done very well—so well that he expects to be able to pay back the bank, put money away for the winter and even, possibly, have money left over for next year’s peanuts!
😄 😄 😄
What did the florist say to the customer who was trying to bargain over the price of the rose bouquet?
“Take it or leaf it bud!”
😄 😄 😄
What did the bully do to the orange?
Beat him to a pulp.
😄 😄 😄
Wake up, the garbage truck is ready to pick you up.
😄 😄 😄
Who is the most non-acidic baseball player ever?
Al-Kaline.
😄 😄 😄
What do Saiyans wear to the beach?
Trunks.
😄 😄 😄
I saw a lady in tears at the store.
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.
I gave her 100$ because I felt sorry for her.
Plus I had just found about $1,600 in the parking lot.
😄 😄 😄
