Yo momma is so stupid when I said “Drinks are on the house” she got a ladder.
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Who is the best cricket player?
Batman.
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You know you’re 50 when you have to use your GPS to locate your feet because you can’t see over your belly.
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If today is really Pi Day, it would never end.
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Why was the mermaid couple so indecisive?
Because they both refused to wear the pants in the relationship.
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What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?
Eat donuts.
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How is a colonoscopy like reading a book?
Once you reach the appendix, you’re done.
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What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?
Ancient Greece.
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People call my obsession with the afterlife suicidal.
Truth be told, I’m dying to find out if there is life after death.
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I keep trying to get into horse racing, but they’re too fast for me.
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A T-Rex told his girlfriend, “I love you this much,” as he stretched out his arms.
To which the girlfriend replied, “That’s not very much at all!”
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Politicians are like diapers.
They need to be changed often, and for the same reasons.
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
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Why does Messi never get locked out of his house?
Because he always has a key-pass.
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What do you get when you cross a pineapple and a pig?
A porky–pine.
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A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.
The police still can’t see the full picture.
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What did Mario say to Princess Peach?
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.”
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What kind of books does the moon like to read?
Comet-books!
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What is the propeller used for on an airplane?
Many people do not know this, but is actually for air conditioning.
If you ever get to see it when the propeller stops, the pilot suddenly starts sweating.
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Donald MacDonald, from the Scottish Highlands, went to study Law at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his old mother came to visit him.
“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.
“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people... The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”
“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful, noisy English neighbors?” she asked her son.
Donald replied enthusiastically, “Mother, I do nothing. I simply ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
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