Yo mamma’s so ugly they cut her Cantina scenes in Star Wars.
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There was a company that sent people to everyone’s homes and claimed that they could track you from your smell.
But they couldn’t do that without your con-scent.
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It only takes Chuck Norris 10 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
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A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, doctor! I think I'm going deaf.”
And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms.”
And he says, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”
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All mushrooms are edible.
But some mushrooms are only edible once.
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Did you hear that a man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him?
The official cause of death was “Exposure to the elements”.
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If they used money in space, guess what it would be called?
Starbucks!
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It's the season to be fall-y.
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Yo mama so stupid Jar Jar questioned her existence!
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I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding.
After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.
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I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
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The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
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What is a monster’s favorite part of a birthday celebration?
I scream.
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What does Spider-man wear when it gets cold out?
A Peter Parka.
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A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist take a vacation to the ocean.
The physicist was fascinated by the waves, so he walked into the ocean to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves. Obviously, he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist wanted to research the amazing flora and fauna of the ocean, so he walked into the water as well. He, too, never returned.
The chemist thought for a while, then noted in his lab notebook:
The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.
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What was the weather like at the rap concert?
There was a Lil Wayne.
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My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder.
But that’s impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.
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How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?
Apply the pumpkin patch.
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Three elderly ladies sit on a park bench.
The first tells her companions, “Wow, it’s windy today.”
The second responds, “No, it’s Thursday.”
The third says, “So am I. Let’s get a drink.”
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Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator.
I was wrong on so many levels.
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