What did Darth Vader say to the Emperor at the Star Wars auction?
“What is thy bidding, my master?”
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A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:
“Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
“Never mind. Found one!”
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How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?
Rename Uranus to Ouranus.
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What does CHEVROLET stand for?
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time.
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My great uncle Chuck started the Elf on a Shelf tradition.
Well, actually he was a drunk on a bunk, but we toned it down for the kids.
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I’m trying to learn how to find a ripe avocado.
It’s not that hard.
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Why is the woman afraid of the vampire?
Because he is all bite and no bark.
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What is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?
Imagination.
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What do an insurance policy and a woman have in common?
They are both expensive, difficult to understand, and what you get is not guaranteed.
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.
One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.
The colleague asked, “Why do you always drive so fast through intersections?”
To which the statistics teacher responded, “Well, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!”
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My kids are buying me gifts for Father’s Day.
I hope I can afford it.
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My local store sells clothes made of bricks.
It’s a hardware store.
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Disney just tweeted that they wont be making new Marvel Universe movies, but the Tweet was cut short.
Looks like they ran out of characters.
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What do you call a zombie that writes the music?
Decomposer.
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What does CPA stand for?
Can’t Pass Again.
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I am sweating like a penguin in a tropical rainforest.
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Did you hear about the blue man who walked into a bar?
He was feeling quite cyan.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Abbie and Mannie.”
“Abbie and Mannie, who?”
“Abbie birthday and Mannie happy returns of the day!”
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