I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, “Don’t do that again.”
“Sorry,” I said, “It must be the nerves.”
“Fair enough,” he replied, “But there was no need to hold the microphone to your ass.”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Chicken.”
“Chicken, who?”
“Just chicken this is the right house!”
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Three astronauts are sitting at a table: one from the US, one from Russia and one from Poland.
The US astronaut says, “We’re going to Mars.”
The Russian says, “We made it to the moon.”
The Pole says, “We’re going to the sun.”
The other two astronauts say, “You can’t land on the sun, you’ll burn. There’s nothing to land on.”
The polish guy says, “Don’t tell anyone, but we’re going at night!”
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What is the difference between a cookie and a cracker.
Cookies don’t care if you pull down a civil war statue.
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
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Do you come from a family of math nerds?
If you do, then you have square roots!
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Why was the toilet paper in detention?
It was unraveling all the time!
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How do people know Taylor Swift had a breakup?
Because she releases a whole album about it.
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Your mama so short when she got in the car she couldn’t reach the steering wheel.
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My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told them to pipe down.
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Why was the programmer always running into walls?
He couldn’t C#.
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It was a regular day in first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living.
Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didn’t really understand their parents’ jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all.
When they got to Little Johnny, he stood up and said, “My dad cuts people in half.”
“Oh, really?” asked the teacher with a smile, “You mean he’s a magician?”
“I don’t know,” said Johnny.
“A surgeon, maybe?” asked the teacher.
“I don’t know,” repeated Johnny.
“Then why do you think he cuts people in half?” asked the confused teacher.
“Because I have two half brothers and three half sisters.”
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My girlfriend said I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.
What a Joker.
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I’m not Superman, I’m not Batman, I’m not Spider-Man...
But I’m your Man.
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Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn’t use proper pun-ctuation.
😄 😄 😄
WWhat music does SpongeBob listen to while jellyfishing?
Something catchy.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saw-urus.
How do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?
Do-you-think-he-saw-urus Rex.
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What do you call a sad little blue planet?
A gloom.
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Why is North Korea so good at geometry?
Because they have a supreme ruler!
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the evangelical atheist?
She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.
😄 😄 😄
