While testing a newly installed computer, an army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer “Yes”.
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, “Yes, what?”
Instantly the machine replied, “Yes, sir!”
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Why do brides cry at the wedding?
Because they never marry the best man.
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I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms.
But it was a shii-take!
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An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.
He panicked and shouted, “God, help me!” and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.
A voice from the heavens boomed “You say you don’t believe in me, but now you’re asking for my help?”
The atheist looked up and said, “Well, ten seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.”
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Did you hear about the mermaid who decided to join human society?
Despite her efforts, others still viewed her as a fish out of water.
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My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace.
After a few hours I finally found the exit.
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How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?
Juans upon a time.
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Two computer nerds start arguing about if they have to pronounce it gif or jif.
The argument gets extremely heated and it goes on for hours.
In the end they just decide to have the sandwich with just the jelly.
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It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
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I recently heard that Turkeys aren’t allowed to play baseball.
No matter how many times they hit, they’ll always hit fowl balls.
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What do waitresses and chemists have in common?
They both need to check the table periodically.
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Did you hear about the boy who always carries a stone with him that he used to throw at people who play Christmas music in October?
He calls it his Jingle Bell Rock.
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Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
“Yep, she got the house.”
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I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.
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From now on, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.
It’s a solid plan.
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Yo mama so fat Naruto couldn’t make enough shadow clones to surround her.
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I just love the new Minecraft update.
It’s ground-breaking.
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Why did the man reach the bowling alley before his friends?
To get the ball rolling.
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I tried to tell a joke about Uranus.
But I couldn’t planet right.
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The phone rang at my work.
My boss asked, “Why don’t you answer it?”
I said, “I’ll let it ring for a while. That way they’ll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.”
My boss shouted, “ANSWER IT NOW!”
I picked up the phone and said, “911, what’s the emergency?”
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