Petrol prices are now so high that one company is selling a fuel that is derived from insect urine.
I believe it’s called BP.
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What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
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What did the space alien tell Franz Schubert?
“Take me to your Lieder!”
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Batman goes to a party. To his surprise, he sees that the Joker is there too.
“He must be up to something,” he thinks. And so he sneaks up behind him, knocks him out, and puts him in a back room.
When walks out, he sees the Joker again.
“How did he recover so quickly?” Once again he knocks him out and puts him in the back room.
Coming out a third time, he sees the Joker yet again.
“How can this be?!” Now furious, Batman confronts him, grabs him by his vest, and shouts, “What are you doing here, Joker?!”
And he replies, “I’m enjoying this Halloween party, dude!”
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My poor dog doesn’t have a big nose.
That makes him smell terrible.
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Children are like farts.
Your own are just about bearable, but everyone else’s are horrendous.
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the pegleg?”
The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman.
“What about your hook?”
“Well,” replied the pirate, “we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman.
“How did you get the eye patch?”
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook...”
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I’ve been cycling to work for a whole month now...
You would have thought I would be there by now.
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What do you call it when you tell a joke on top of a mountain?
Peak comedy.
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What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?
A rookie.
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Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
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What do you get if a frog eats a mushroom?
A toadstool.
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When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?
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Why did the blue paint cross the road?
To get to the other hue.
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Teenager (noun) – someone who is well-prepared for a zombie apocalypse, but not ready for tomorrow’s math test.
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On which side does a tiger have the most stripes?
The outside.
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What did the fungi say when he was offered seconds at dinner?
“No thanks. I don’t have mush-room left in my stomach.”
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A young child told his mother, “When I grow up I’m going to play the bass guitar.”
His mother responded, “Well, honey, you know you can’t do both.”
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A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
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What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says “Spit your gum out!” and the train says “Chew, chew!”
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