Got an email asking me to invest in Egyptian architecture.
Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that firecrackers light themselves.
😄 😄 😄
“Hey there buddy, I have a bunch of old albums, would you like 2 CD’s...?
“Sure thanks!”
“...to see DEEZ NUTZ!”
😄 😄 😄
My sister said to me, “Mom wants you to help us fix Thanksgiving Day dinner.”
I said, “Why? Is it broken?”
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
😄 😄 😄
Doctor: “I’m sorry to say you’ve got lung cancer.”
Patient (tearing up): “Oh god, no!”
Doctor: “Sorry to say it because it’s not true, lol April Fool!”
Patient (angry): “What the hell?!”
Doctor: “Yeah, pranked you, the cancer’s in your pancreas.”
😄 😄 😄
Why is it okay to tell Helen Keller jokes?
Because she can’t hear them anyway!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a potato that has turned to the Dark side?
Vader Tots.
😄 😄 😄
I asked Uranus if it wanted to go for a walk.
And it replied, “Sure, just don’t stand behind me.”
😄 😄 😄
Have you ever seen something so attractive and so hot that it makes you melt like ice cream when you see try to get close to it?
I haven’t. I think I’m seeing stars.
😄 😄 😄
I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning”.
If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day.
On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
😄 😄 😄
What did one German man say to the other German man?
I have no idea, I can’t speak German.
😄 😄 😄
What US state is round on the sides but tall in the center?
Ohio.
😄 😄 😄
Ever heard of the planet party?
Uranus was the star, always the center of attraction.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Sue.”
“Sue, who?”
“Sue-prize it is your birthday!”
😄 😄 😄
What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?
OLAY.
😄 😄 😄
A glorious morning to you, little cow!
It’s time to get moo-ving!
😄 😄 😄
A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections.
He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.
“Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems,” says one of the leaders.
The politician pounds his table, “Ok, tell me what they are,” he impatiently replies, all the while looking around to confirm if the excessive display got a favorable response.
“OK, our first problem is a flu outbreak, but we lack doctors and hospitals, and the second one is...”
The politician cuts him off, “Stop right there, I’ll make some calls,” as the politician animatedly grabs his phone, punches the numbers, and makes his calls.
“Yes! Yes! That would be great, tomorrow then,” he loudly replies before punching another number for another call. “Yes, a hospital, I will pay for it personally.”
He hangs up and turns to everyone, “Good news, everyone! I have arranged for a group of doctors to come here tomorrow and check on those afflicted,” he loudly proclaims. “I have also called for the immediate construction of a hospital, which would begin as soon as we are able to find a suitable area today. Now, what was your other problem?”
“Yes, our second problem is that we don’t have cellphone coverage here.”
😄 😄 😄
Dave from my work retired today, at his retirement party he stepped out for a cigarette and I noticed every body called him Scarecrow.
I asked, “Why?”
Turns out he was outstanding in the field.
😄 😄 😄
