How did the Catholic priest finish the marathon?
He was second to nun.
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What did the butcher say to his girlfriend on their first date?
“Nice to meat you.”
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Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
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What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A har-vest.
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When I was a pre-teen, I watched a lot of anime, and really really wanted a katana.
So when I finally got one for my birthday, I was so happy, but I only played with it once.
And then all I wanted was grandma back.
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What can you find on avocado feet?
Avoca-toes.
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What do you call oyster nuns?
Cloisters.
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One day I’m going to open a furniture store named Sofa King.
That way I can make late night tv commercials and shout “Our prices are sofa king low!”.
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Yo mama so fat her school pictures were taken by a satellite.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“August.”
“August, who?”
“A gust of wind knocked me over!”
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What do you call a snowman in summer?
A puddle.
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What can you expect on September 15th which is National Camouflage Day?
Hope to not see anyone celebrating.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Esther.”
“Esther, who?”
“Esther any more cranberry sauce?”
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Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas.
As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them, noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help.
When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or a can.
Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan.
He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck, and waved goodbye.
While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by.
He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, “Sisters, somehow I don’t think that’s going to work, but I sure do admire your faith.”
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What do you call it when you can’t stop looking at Pinterest on your phone?
Pin-diction.
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Before he goes to sleep, the boogey man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
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Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, it’s going to end in a mess.
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The artist was great.
He could always draw a crowd.
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What did a brick say to a wall?
“I’ve got your back!”
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