A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”
😄 😄 😄
There is rumor of a new “Amish Flu” out of Pennsylvania.
The symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little horse and buggy.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of vehicle?
Gas-guzzler.
😄 😄 😄
What did 49er Linebacker always have stuck in his teeth?
Quarterbacks.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
😄 😄 😄
Mortal: “What is a million years like to you?”
God: “Like one second.”
Mortal: “What is a million pounds like to you?”
God: “Like one penny.”
Mortal: “Can I have a penny?”
God: “Just a second...”
😄 😄 😄
How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. She calls the emergency number and demands that a police officer come and do something about the intimidating blackness.
😄 😄 😄
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
😄 😄 😄
When my mother died, all my father said was “cough, fatigue, fever”.
He’s a man of flu words.
😄 😄 😄
My friend had mushrooms during the party.
Now he’s a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you iron a 4 leaf clover?
You don’t want to press your luck!
😄 😄 😄
Why do Stormtroopers only have iPhones?
Because they couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.
😄 😄 😄
What did the Rams fan do when his team won the Super Bowl?
He turned off his XBox.
😄 😄 😄
Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net.
Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.
As he embraced me, he sighed, “OK, let’s go over the rules of volleyball one last time.”
😄 😄 😄
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers.
😄 😄 😄
What does the youngest flower child say?
“Last bud not least!”
😄 😄 😄
Yo daddy is so dumb the computer said “press any key to continue”, and he was looking for the any key BUTTON.
😄 😄 😄
A telephone rang.
“Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”
“Yes, it is,” came the reply.
“Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
😄 😄 😄
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
Satan realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “Happy Anniversary honey! I was just remembering how happy we were 30 years ago.
Wife: “You idiot, we did not know each other 30 years ago.”
Husband: “That’s why we were so happy!”
😄 😄 😄
