Donut judge me for being a dessert lover!
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Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes, and you have to smear them with avocado?
I really suck at guac-a-mole.
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What happened when the sparrow flew into the electric fan?
Shredded tweet.
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If I ever go missing, I would like my photo, but on wine bottles instead of milk cartons.
This way my friends will know where to look for me.
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Why can’t you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?
You can’t take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!
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Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.
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A sailor walks into a thrift store after he lost a limb to a giant octopus.
He said, “I heard this is a second-hand shop, where they at?”
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How does Uranus stay clean?
It takes meteor showers.
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If a spider can bite you and make you a Spider-Man, can you bite me so I can be your man?
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Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.
He comes upon a question:
What separates the head from the body?
Ahmed answers:
The axe.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Doughnut.”
“Doughnut, who?”
“Doughnut forget to close the door!”
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What do you call a boring person from Finland?
A dolphin.
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What do the New York Yankees and pancakes have in common?
They both need a good batter!
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A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel’s elevator.
On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, “Giorgio, $100 an ounce.”
On the next floor, an equally beautiful woman steps on and says, “Chanel, $150 an ounce.”
The old lady’s floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, “Broccoli, 49 cents a pound.”
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The artist was great.
He could always draw a crowd.
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I’m a clown... and everyone nose.
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There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, “What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?”
The other one replied, “No, people will think we’re trying to break in.”
The other one said, “Well, do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?”
The other one answered, “No, people will think we’re too stupid to use the coat hanger.”
The other one said, “Well, we better think of something quick because it’s starting to rain and the sunroof is open.”
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My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.
I’ve done that, but now what do I do with the letters?
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What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
“I be-leaf in you.”
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I stayed in a hotel recently where the towels were so thick...
I could hardly close my suitcase.
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