You know you’re 50 when you now have more hair on your knuckles than you do on your head.
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What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A six-foot toothbrush.
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Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?
He was making up for lost thyme.
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Did you know most Egyptian people are related to the same Pharaoh?
They have Tut-in-common.
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Why don’t we have a Reality Show where flat Earthers walk to the end of the Earth?
Because that would be edgy.
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What do you call a male buffalo?
A buffellow.
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A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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I have a joke about the flu...
But I hope you don’t get it.
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What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow?
Reality.
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What is Harry Potter’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
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Which clients do short auditors like best?
Small businessmen.
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I put an electric fence around my garden.
My neighbor is dead against it.
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Father’s Day was near when I brought my son to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.
When I looked back, my son was picking up one card after another, opening them up, and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way.
“Son, what are you doing?” I asked. “Haven’t you found a nice card for daddy yet?”
“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”
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Why did the cool roofer stop hanging out with his friends?
He realized they were squares.
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I entered a Roblox building competition.
But got disqualified because my design was a copy-pastemasterpiece.
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Let’s be frank... you’re OLD!
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Water.”
“Water, who?”
“Water you doing tonight?”
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What is a Guitarist’s Favorite Snack?
String cheese.
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What do you call a rampaging cow under the full moon?
Udder lunacy.
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A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she won’t admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.
While she’s standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, dear?”
When there’s no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.
Again there’s no response, so he moves right to his wife’s shoulder and asks, “What’s for dinner, dear?”
At this, his wife turns around angrily and says, “For the third time, sausages!”
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