Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?
Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.
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You can’t fit inside a tuna can.
But a tuna can.
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What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
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How do we know the IRS likes poor people?
Because they appear to create so many of them.
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If Spider-Man suddenly runs out of web when he’s chasing bad guys, what is he called?
Peter Parkour.
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What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
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Why don’t marketers make good chefs?
Because they’re too obsessed with serving ads rather than actual cooking.
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A skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, “We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.”
“How do I know which to choose?” she asked.
“That’s easy,” said St. Peter. “You have to spend a day in each place before making a decision.”
With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell.
The elevator doors opened, and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her.
She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times.
That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant.
She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy.
Before she knew it, her day in hell was over, and she returned to heaven.
The day in heaven was OK. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp.
At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision.
“Well, heaven was great and all,” the nurse said, “but I had a better time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell.”
With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.
When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.
When the devil walked over, she said to him, “I don’t understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking.”
The devil smiled and said, “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.”
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I recently went to a restaurant, they poisoned my tiramisu. Guess what?
I tiramisued them.
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Guess what made the sea monster such a successful comedian?
He was always kraken everyone up.
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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students, “Today we’ll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage.”
With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.
“Hello, may I please speak to Dave?” says the professor when the other person answers.
“No, I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” says the person on the other end.
“You see that students, that’s surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like.”
He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number.
When it answers, the professor asks, “Hi, can Dave come to the phone?”
“I told you you have the wrong number!”
“That’s irritation, my friends,” says the professor. “Now, let’s look at what rage looks like.”
He picks up the phone and dials the number again.
When it answers he asks, “Is Dave available?”
“LISTEN, YOU IDIOT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I’LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE!!!”
“And that’s rage.”
“Professor, you forgot the fourth stage,” says a young man in the front row.
“And what might that be?” asks the professor.
“It’s called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate.”
He comes up to the podium, takes the professor’s phone and dials the same number.
“Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?”
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Why did the cowboy take hay to bed?
To feed his nightmares.
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A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital.
The patient has had major surgery on both of his hands.
“Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?”
“I don’t see why not,” replies the doctor.
“That’s funny,” says the man. “I wasn’t able to play it before.”
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Hot dog, it’s your birthday!
Let’s be Frank, you’re probably planning to party your buns off, so go ahead – don’t be a weenie!
Relish every moment of your celebration!
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I was too lazy to go out shopping today, so to make it feel like Black Friday, I punched a few family members while online shopping.
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Yo Mama is so old Adam and Eve were at her graduation ceremony.
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What is Yoda’s preferred seat on an aeroplane?
Next to a Windu.
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I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
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A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachers’ Day evening and says, “Can I have a beer.”
The barman says, “I don’t know, can you?”
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What did Elon Musk get when changing Twitter’s name?
A bunch of X-employees.
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