I didn’t always like mushrooms, but they’ve finally started to grow on me.
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I have a lot of experience catching women who’ve been thrown off their feet, feel free to fall.
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Why is it that Uranus smells distinctly like farts?
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Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.
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I didn’t wear my glasses to the party because I wanted to make a spectacle of myself.
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Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
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Why do we call the aliens creating the pyramids a conspiracy theory?
It’s obviously a pyramid scheme.
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Your mama’s so short that she has to look up to look down.
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How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.
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What’s the only drink size they allow in North Korea?
A supreme liter.
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What is the best time of day to play Super Mario?
The Wii hours of the morning.
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What do you call a Puerto Rican dish that’s not spicy?
A mistake.
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How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?
He ate him on Sunday night!
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An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy.
After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him.
After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they throw him a party and make him a chocolate cake with orange icing.
The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”
“My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”
To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”
“How come you’ve never spoken before?” asks his father.
“Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
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Why did the registered nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?
Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.
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Your mama is so hot I gotta wear oven mitts to touch her.
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Back in the Old West, there were two scoundrels known for being dumber than a box of rocks—Jeff and Dave.
One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar and said, “If any man brings me an Indian’s prized horse, I’ll give him $1000.”
The two men looked at each other, walked out of the bar and mounted their horses.
It wasn’t long before they saw a Native American, so they caught up to him and pushed him off his horse.
He fell into a ravine, but the loyal horse followed him right down there.
The two scoundrels scrambled to follow it down to the bottom to try and catch it.
Suddenly, Jeff said, “Dave, look at this!”
Dave replied, “Not now! Can’t you see I’m trying to catch a prized horse?!”
Jeff shouted again, breathlessly, “I really think you should look at this.”
“Why don’t you help me try and make $1000 instead of goofing off?!”
But Jeff was adamant, “Please, just take a darn look!”
So Dave stopped running, looked up, and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Native Americans and their horses.
Dave shook his head and said, “Oh... my... God... We’re going to be millionaires!”
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I’m never afraid to make a Uranus pun.
They’re always out of this world.
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What do you say to the otter with a bad tooth?
“You otter see the dentist.”
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When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.
But when we grew up, the electricity bill is what made us afraid of the light.
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