Yo daddy is so dumb the computer said “press any key to continue”, and he was looking for the any key BUTTON.
😄 😄 😄
A telephone rang.
“Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”
“Yes, it is,” came the reply.
“Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
😄 😄 😄
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
Satan realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
😄 😄 😄
Husband: “Happy Anniversary honey! I was just remembering how happy we were 30 years ago.
Wife: “You idiot, we did not know each other 30 years ago.”
Husband: “That’s why we were so happy!”
😄 😄 😄
Broccoli looks into the trunk of his car.
He sees an extra tire and exclaims, “Oh! I have a-spar-a-gus!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“August.”
“August, who?”
“A gust of wind knocked me over!”
😄 😄 😄
For April Fools, my girlfriend replaced my Alpha-Bits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
😄 😄 😄
A world-renowned chemist has passed away.
His will specifies that all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be put in his body.
“Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?” they ask his wife.
To which she replies, “No, just Barium.”
😄 😄 😄
My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Pat.”
“Pat, who?”
“Pat on your coat—we’re going to the St. Patty’s Day parade.”
😄 😄 😄
Are aliens from invasion movies actually British?
Because all they do is colonize.
😄 😄 😄
My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.
It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
😄 😄 😄
Just because someone found out how to connect a keyboard and a portable radio together doesn’t make them a nerd
That would be stereotyping.
😄 😄 😄
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh harder.
😄 😄 😄
I think my anime jigsaw puzzle was too simple. It was...
One Piece.
😄 😄 😄
You so dumb you think intermittent fasting is a kind of speedwork.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
😄 😄 😄
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends’ food looked like.
😄 😄 😄
Never fight a math teacher. You’ll always be outnumbered.
😄 😄 😄
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
😄 😄 😄
