What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?
By live stream.
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What is a myth?
A female moth.
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I used to be one of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot.
But then I discovered oven mitts.
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I saw someone at the grocery store who angrily stabbed a box of corn flakes, and the flakes went everywhere.
The person was arrested for being a cereal killer.
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At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying “I know the whole truth”.
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
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I think if women really got to know me, they’d find my personality a lot like a chocolate Easter Bunny.
On the outside sweet but hollow and disappointing on the inside.
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What’s the best way to make a million dollars in horse racing?
Start with 2 million.
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I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.
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My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food.
Sushi left me.
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What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?
“I’m sorry, I’m too mature for you.”
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If you don’t wake up soon, I will eat your breakfast.
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My wife asked me, “Why are there holes in your pants?”
I said, “It’s Sunday, right?”
My wife: “Yeah?”
Me: “Well, these are my holy pants.”
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Why do driving instructors make good physical therapists?
Because they can teach fine motor skills.
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What do you say at a robot funeral?
Rust in peace.
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Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?
So that it’ll fit inside the box.
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How do you get inside a locked cemetery at night?
Simple, use a skeleton key to unlock the gates.
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I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.
I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.
When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, “Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.”
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There’s a new battle royale game launching on September 1st.
It’s called “Back to School!”.
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What is it called when shapes play pranks on each other?
Geometrick.
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It’s so hot Siri asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water.
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