What did the teacher say about the student’s attempt at making pizza?
There’s so mush-room for improvement.
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It’s hotter than six fat guys in a minivan with no air conditioning fighting over a fried bucket of chicken drumsticks.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Abby.”
“Abby, who?”
“Abby birthday to you!”
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Which element of the periodic table is the poorest?
Antimony.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
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What does a doctor call a colonoscopy?
An ANALysis.
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Friend 1: “I just invented something to help get people out of bed in the morning. It’s called “Rise and Shine Juice”.
Friend 2: “Cool! What’s in it?”
Friend 1: “Yeast and shoe polish.”
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I’m not Superman, I’m not Batman, I’m not Spider-Man...
But I’m your Man.
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The boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.
Boss: “Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?”
Abdul: “Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.”
Today is Abdul’s farewell party.
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What do you get when you cross an alien and something white and fluffy?
A martian-mallow!
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Australian Santa: “What would you like for Christmas, little girl?”
Girl: “A Barbie.”
Girl wakes up to find a Broil King BBQ under the tree.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Tamara.”
“Tamara, who?”
“Tamara we’ll have turkey leftovers!”
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I decided to donate my body to science.
For the time being, I’m following a routine to preserve it with ethanol until they need it.
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How do you know when the moon is going broke?
When it’s down to its last quarter.
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A group of computer scientists walk into a restaurant and ask for a table for 4.
The waitress replies, “But sir, there are 5 of you.”
The computer scientist says, “No, look, there are 4 of us, see! 0...1...2...3...4...”
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Guess what the ship had to go to therapy for?
He was a nervous wreck!
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What do you call London without electricity?
Londoff.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I eep.”
“I eep, who?”
“Gross, you eat poo?!”
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She: “I cheated on you.”
He: “Me too.”
She: “April, 1.”
He: “March, 20.”
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What does a nut with the flu sound like?
CAAAASHEW!
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