What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?
We’ve got a rocky road ahead of us...
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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
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A lawyer tries a case out of town, accompanied by his corporate client.
After the case is given to the jury, the lawyer and his client wait for the verdict, which doesn’t come in for days. After the second day, the lawyer tells his client to go home, and he’ll let him know as soon as the verdict comes in.
The client goes home but pesters the lawyer every hour or so by text message for an update (of which there is none, of course).
Finally, the jury comes back with a verdict in the client’s favor.
Still sitting in the courtroom, the lawyer texts his client, “Justice has been served.”
The client shoots right back, “Appeal immediately!”
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A guy’s wife and kids all came down with the flu.
Upon returning home from the doctor’s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.
She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, “Three days?! The doctor can’t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!” Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, “If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?”
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I’m not buying this sweater.
It’s made of ex-boyfriend material.
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Black Friday – the day when people spend money they don’t have on things they don’t need.
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It just seems that lately nobody really notices all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort I put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much I try to ‘get in the spotlight’ and display my art, people seem to just pass it by and go on like they haven’t even noticed it, not even giving it a glance or a moments thought.
I’m in a rut right now. Its hard to stay motivated and creative when all the hard work goes unnoticed, despite the pay being good.
For those wondering, I design camouflage.
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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
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My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel.
I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me.
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“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
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I went to a haunted bed-and-breakfast in France.
That place was giving me the crêpes.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Turnip.”
“Turnip, who?”
“Turnip the radio, please!”
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It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
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Happy 30th, the age where society expects us to have our life together, but we’re still figuring out how to fold a fitted sheet.
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Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
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My doctor warned me that constantly singing Frank Sinatra songs was bad for my health, but I just wouldn’t listen.
And now, the end is near.
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Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
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What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
I-Scream!
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What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
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I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...
I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.
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