What is Dracula’s favorite type of moon phase?
A Blood moon.
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A poet writes in verse.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
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What is a poet’s favorite legume?
Rhyma-beans!
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Why are two medians in a single data set funny?
Because it’s a co-median.
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What did the hipster tell his chef friend with a beard?
“You ought to shavour every bite!”
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Police have arrested a gang of corn flakes that they allege committed a spree of armed robberies throughout the metro area.
A Police spokesman described them as cereal offenders.
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Me: “Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and Facebook?
My Dad: “We used to keep useless information to ourselves.”
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The teacher asks Little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
“Yes,” he says, “my daddy taught me.”
“Can you tell me what comes after three?”
“Four,” answers Little Johnny.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven,” answers Little Johnny.
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?”
“A jack,” answers Little Johnny.
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A man with a wooden eye is at a dance.
During a slow dance, he can’t find a partner to dance with him.
He sees from the opposite side of the dance floor a girl with a large nose.
Seeing that she is also without a dance partner, he makes his move.
He approaches her and is frank with her, asking, “Would you dance with me?”
Filled with excitement, she yells, “Would I!”
Without missing a beat, the man retorts, “BIG NOSE BIG NOSE BIG NOSE!!!”
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Did you know all sushi comes from female fish?
Otherwise, it would be called suhe.
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How does a Gen Z’er tell a joke?
Idk bc fml lmao.
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What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
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One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God. “Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun. “They’re so hard to peel.”
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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
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July 1st is International Reggae Day.
This is the day I dread.
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Happy 30th, the age where society expects us to have our life together, but we’re still figuring out how to fold a fitted sheet.
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What do you call a dog with 2 legs?
Snoop Dogg.
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I went to a haunted bed-and-breakfast in France.
That place was giving me the crêpes.
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My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.
I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.
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Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, “Ain’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!”
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