I promised my new girlfriend the sun, the moon and the stars...
So, I took her to the planetarium.
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Boomers: When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.
Generation X: When life hands you lemons, create a business to market lemon juice as a healthy, low carb, low sugar variation to lemonade. Make millions.
Millennials: Lol, as if anyone would just “hand me” some lemons.
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Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their boats?
So when they come back to port they can...
Scandinavian.
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When I went to the doctor, I said, “Doctor, every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy.”
He replied, “How long have you been getting these Disney spells?”
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The Planets:
71% water + 29% land = Earth
100% land + 0% Chocolate = Mars
100% land + 0% Fertility = Venus
100% land and lava + 0% Freddy = Mercury
100% land + 0% Dog = Pluto
100% gas = Uranus
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Need a couch? Have you tried Sofa Kings?
Their prices are sofa king cheap!
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Why did the knee specialist turn into a priest?
He wanted to have a mea-knee-ingful life.
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Where does a camel go after he’s eaten his main course?
To the desert trolley.
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Why did the mushroom never have a lot of money?
Because he was just too spore.
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“How long has your unit been broken?” says the specialist.
“Two weeks,” says the customer.
“Why did you wait so long?” says the specialist. This hot weather is no joke.”
“My in-laws were here,” said the customer. “They wanted to stay for a month.”
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The artist was great.
He could always draw a crowd.
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I’m proud to say that I never make the same mistake twice.
I commit my mistakes more than twice just to make sure.
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What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow?
The “inedible snowman”.
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A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army. Neither of the 3 are very happy about it, and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam.
As they are waiting in line at the doctor’s office, their desperation builds up untill right before it’s the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox, “Fox, I might have a plan. Bite off my ear, trust me on this one!”
The fox does so, and the rabbit enters the office.
A few moments later, he gets out yelling, “I was rejected, guys!”
“Because of your ear?” they ask.
“Yes, because without it, I can’t detect the enemy as well,” says rabbit.
“Good thinking,” they say.
And with that in mind the fox turns to the bear, “Rip my tail off!”
The bear doesn’t even hesitate and does so.
Then, the fox takes his turn in the office.
After a while he comes back yelling, “I am rejected too! Without my tail, I can’t be as sneaky and agile as I need to be.”
Now it was the bear’s turn to ask, “Quickly, guys, knock out all of my teeth, because a bear without teeth isn’t scary at all!”
The rabbit and the fox start beating the muzzle of the bear, completly breaking his face untill there is no tooth is left in his mouth.
He then proceeds to go inside the doctor’s office.
Not long after he gets out, he shouts, “Rejecwew!”
“Nice,” they say. “Because of your teeth, right?”
“Nwo,“ says the bear. “Too fat.”
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What did the salad say to the chef?
Lett-uce go!
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What did the Star Wars fan with a lisp say?
May the Fourth be with you.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Banana.”
“Banana, who?”
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Banana.”
“Banana, who?”
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Orange.”
“Orange, who?”
“Orange you glad I didn’t say banana!”
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Which bakery should you go to on the Fourth of July?
The one that sells pastries with stars and stripes. The rest are just un-pastry-otic.
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What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?
By live stream.
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What is a myth?
A female moth.
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