What is a math teacher’s favorite sum?
Summer!
😄 😄 😄
Judge: “Lady, you shoplifted a can of tomatoes, so I sentence you to four weeks in prison, one for each tomato.”
Lady’s husband: “Your honor, don’t forget, she also stole a can of peas.”
😄 😄 😄
I said to my kid, “Someone just told me that you’re acting like an owl.”
My son: “Who?”
Me: “Exactly.”
😄 😄 😄
A patient goes to the dentist for a tooth extraction.
The dentist gives him some anesthesia and then quickly pulls out the tooth.
He says to the patient, “That’ll be $500, please.”
The patient says, “What! $500 for 5 minutes of extraction work? That’s a complete rip-off!”
The dentist replies, “Well, I can make it longer if you’d like.”
😄 😄 😄
My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel.
I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me.
😄 😄 😄
How many pretty girls are there at a monastery?
Nun.
😄 😄 😄
Why do single people look forward to Ramadan?
It’s the only month they might ever have a date.
😄 😄 😄
What is another fancy name for a sun fart?
A solar flare.
😄 😄 😄
I asked my aging father why he doesn’t have life insurance.
“Because, son, I want you to be truly sad when I die.”
😄 😄 😄
One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.
Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.
The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.
Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, “Bring me my red shirt.”
The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.
The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterward when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.
He responded, “If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me.”
The crew had a newfound admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery.
About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said, “Boys, bring me my brown pants!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg cracked a yolk!
😄 😄 😄
Where did Vegeta go after death?
Into the Frieza.
😄 😄 😄
What did the American hot dog say to the German hot dog?
You’re the wurst.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call Harry when he’s in a rush?
Hurry Styles.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Yoda.”
“Yoda, who?”
“Yoda one getting older today!”
😄 😄 😄
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
😄 😄 😄
What made the pig go to the kitchen?
Because he felt like bacon.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short that when I was dissin’ her she tried to jump kick me in the ankle.
😄 😄 😄
Remember Dexter, who was going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson?
Not sure which race yet.
😄 😄 😄
