What are Michael Jackson’s pronouns?
He/Hee.
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What do you call a successful bassist?
A guy whose wife has two jobs.
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Yo mama so fat every time she turns around it’s her birthday.
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Good morning!
Remember, a yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.
The boss says, “What happened to your ears?”
He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
He says, “Well, geez, I had to call the doctor.”
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An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Year’s Eve.
He asks the first police officer he sees, “Why am I here?”
“For drinking,” replies the officer.
“Great,” says the man, “When do we start?”
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What did Bruce Banner say to Spider-Man?
Don’t bug me!
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Did you know Teslas don’t have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“CIA.”
“CIA, who?”
“CI ate your last doughnut!”
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Captain Edward Smith’s last meal included lettuce on his plate.
Specifically, It was an iceberg right in front of him.
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What did the lettuce say to the ship?
ICEBERG!
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Chuck Norris can punch you in the back of the face.
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How do you repair a broken jack o’ lantern?
Use a pumpkin patch.
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What was the taxidermist doing at the hot dog stand?
Stuffing his face!
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Dear Father,
university i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son’s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear David,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
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Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
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Ganymede left Jupiter and flew out of the solar system last week.
I saw it today in the orbituaries.
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What were Stephen Hawking’s last words?
“Error 404. File not found.”
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How do you know someone is a good guitar player?
He’ll tell you.
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As a child, a lot of kids would shove things up their noses.
Did you use a bowling ball that they never got out again?
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