I’m proud to announce I have stuck to my New Year’s resolution and did not bite my nails the entire month of January.
My feet have never looked better.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Gen Z’er bring a ladder to the library?
To reach the highest shelf for the perfect Instagram shot.
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Why’s it called a Caesar salad?
Because Caesar ruled the romaines.
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Your mama is so small she hangs glides on a Doritos!
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I had to give up my glasses after they started causing more drama than a pair of celebrity spectacles.
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What’s the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?
The Man U bus has more pricks.
😄 😄 😄
Apparently, it’s good to talk to your sunflowers.
I tried to teach my sunflowers mathematics, but they ended up with square roots.
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Why does Spider-Man never get caught cheating on his wife?
He’s an expert at spinning a web of lies.
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When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
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What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
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My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.
Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.
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Wake up, you lazy!
I pray your day be profoundly fruitful.
I know it is very hard in your case, but at least try.
😄 😄 😄
How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?
He ate him on Sunday night!
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the flat Earth conspiracy?
It’s spreading around the globe.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in class?
Because the class was so bright!
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Yo momma is so dumb she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
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What’s a poodle’s favorite kind of pizza?
Pupperoni.
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Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?
Because it has got less calories.
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Millions of people celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday.
The indigenous people, however, have reservations.
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I promised my new girlfriend the sun, the moon and the stars...
So, I took her to the planetarium.
😄 😄 😄
