How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to change it, five to moan about it, and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out.
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Yo moma is so fat Luke Skywalker that yo moma was the Death Star.
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Which one of Santa’s helpers visits mermaids?
The Elf on the Shelfish.
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I am so single. I went to Grand Canyon, alone.
I yelled “I love you” just to hear it said back to me.
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Yo mama’s so fat she blew up the Deathstar.
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What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
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Yo mama so poor she waves around a Popsicle and calls it air conditioning.
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I have a lot of experience catching women who’ve been thrown off their feet, feel free to fall.
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What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?
Eve.
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After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker’s boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, “If you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?”
Quickly he replied, “If it was you who asked, I’d still have 4 pickles.”
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In 1945 Chuck Norris drank a Red Bull and jumped out of a plane.
For image results, Google the word Hiroshima.
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I have a racing goose for sale.
Let me know if you wanna take a quick gander.
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Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
They couldn’t get the moose in the oven!
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The electrician’s favorite ice cream flavor is shock-a-lot.
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Friend 1: “I think my mom’s getting serious about straightening up my room once and for all.”
Friend 2: “How do you know?”
Friend 1: “She’s learning to drive a bulldozer.”
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Why did the gastroenterologist choose this specialty?
There was an opening.
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I’m balding and that makes me sad. But thanks to the miracle of science...
I take antidepressants and now I’m never sad!
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Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.”
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, “B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact. How did he do it?”
God smiled all-knowingly, “Jesus saves.”
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My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears.
Looking back, it was obvious. He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
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A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.
After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.
The morel of the story... killed him.
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