What kind of books does the moon like to read?
Comet-books!
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What do you call a pencil with two erasers?
Pointless.
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I had to put my motorbike in the shop.
It needed a wheelignment.
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Success is like a fart.
It only bothers people when it’s not their own.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Beak.”
“Beak, who?”
“Beak careful that you don’t get pranked on April Fools’ Day.”
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Teacher: “Class, choose between money and brain.”
Akpos: “I’d go for the money!”
Teacher: “I’d go for brain!”
Akpos: “Well, everybody goes for what he doesn’t have.”
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Guess what happened to the man who was addicted to doing the “Hokey Pokey”?
He turned himself around.
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Why do cats hate laptops?
They don’t have a mouse.
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Two drunk guys walk into a hotel.
Skippering one word after another, they finally manage to make themselves understood by the girl at the reception.
“So you want the cheapest double room we have, right? The only free one is on the 100th floor, but the elevator is broken.”
The two guys, in order not to spend the night sleeping on a bench, load their luggage and leave for the staircase.
Since one hundred floors, drunk and with heavy bags is a really tough challenge, they decide to tell a joke every five floors.
When they reach the fiftieth floor, one of them starts laughing.
“What happened? Have you remembered a very good joke?” asks the first.
“This joke is just so hilarious! Actually, it’s so good that I’ll save it for later!” answers the second guy.
When they reach the 75th floor, the same guy bursts laughing even harder.
“Are you okay? Are you still thinking about that joke from earlier?” asks worried the first.
“Yeah, but this one is soooooo good, I’ll save it for when we finish,” answers the other guy.
Finally, exhausted and tired, they reach the 100th floor.
Panting, the first boy asks, “So, what is this joke that has tormented you so much?”
Still breathless, the other replies, “Hey, do you remember the girl who was at the reception? Here, we left before she gave us the keys.”
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Which is the clumsiest candy bar?
A Butterfinger!
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A couple had been married for 30 years and was celebrating the husband’s 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, “We’ve been so poor all these years, and I’ve never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF!
She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn.
He paused for a moment, and then said, “Well, I’d like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
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The phone rang in the principal’s office.
Principal: “Hello?”
Caller: “Umm, yes, hi, my son won’t be coming to school today because he’s got the flu.”
Principal: “OK, and who may I ask is speaking?”
Caller: “Umm, my dad.”
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My girlfriend has an OnlyFans account and it’s doing really well.
I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.
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A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.
When the police show up, they ask him what happened.
The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
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A young child told his mother, “When I grow up I’m going to play the bass guitar.”
His mother responded, “Well, honey, you know you can’t do both.”
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In a house full of caffeine addicts, they found their coffee maker broken this morning.
And now there’s trouble brewing.
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What’s Uranus’ favorite subject?
Gas-tronomy.
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What do you call a bear who lives in the Arctic and has extreme mood swings?
A bi-polar bear.
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What do you call a lazy kangaroo on Labor Day?
A pouch potato.
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You know you’re in Texas when you can say 110 degrees without fainting.
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