What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
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Yo daddy so ugly yo momma first saw him at the zoo.
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What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
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I got in touch with my inner self today.
I’m never using cheap toilet paper again.
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You’re a wiener!
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What do you get if you trip over a Pokémon?
A bulbous sore.
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Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.
Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.
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Three elderly ladies sit on a park bench.
The first tells her companions, “Wow, it’s windy today.”
The second responds, “No, it’s Thursday.”
The third says, “So am I. Let’s get a drink.”
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Four turtles were celebrating their 40th birthdays together, when they ran out of ice cream.
They decided the biggest one—Fred—should go to the store and get more. Fred went into the bedroom to get some money.
The rest of them waited for Fred to come back, but after a couple of days they started getting frustrated.
The smallest one said, “Poor Fred. Ever since he turned 40 he’s really getting slow.”
A voice from the bedroom said, “If you’re gonna start saying bad things about me behind my back, l’m not even going!”
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Why did Tiger Woods return the donuts?
Because there was a hole-in-one.
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Yo mama so old her breast milk is powder.
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What holds the moon up?
Moon beams!
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Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.
Woman: “I need to buy some arsenic.”
Pharmacist: “Why do you need arsenic?”
Woman: “I need arsenic because I want to give it to my husband.”
Pharmacist: “WHAT?”
Woman: “You heard me! I want to give it to my husband!”
Pharmacist: “Why on earth would you want to do that?”
Woman: “Because he’s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!”
Pharmacist: “Well why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”
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What drink breaks the ice?
Flirt-Tea.
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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driver—a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tie—poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, “Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, “Sure.”
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“Impressive. One of my sheep is yours,” said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, “You’re on.”
“You are an auditor,” said the shepherd without hesitation.
“That’s correct,” said the young man, impressed. “However did you guess?”
“It wasn’t a guess,” replied the shepherd. “You show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I haven’t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!”
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What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
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One day, I watched my father grilling burgers.
When they were done, he handed me one telling me it was a bison burger.
He then left, and never came back.
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Why wasn’t one of the gingerbread men decorated?
He wasn’t cut out for the job.
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How do you make the ice cream more expensive?
Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.
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You call it a bad sense of humor, I call it ‘pun-ctuality’.
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